1
00:00:06,453 --> 00:00:08,796
This is a year-round Christmas store?
2
00:00:09,328 --> 00:00:11,471
You must be the happiest woman on Earth!
3
00:00:11,648 --> 00:00:12,747
I'm a man.
4
00:00:12,748 --> 00:00:13,739
That's great.
5
00:00:13,764 --> 00:00:15,725
Anyway, I saw this...
6
00:00:15,904 --> 00:00:16,941
at the sign store,
7
00:00:16,966 --> 00:00:19,521
and I bought it to
prove how serious I am
8
00:00:19,546 --> 00:00:20,713
about working here.
9
00:00:21,005 --> 00:00:22,505
Yeah, we're not really
hiring. It's just...
10
00:00:22,507 --> 00:00:24,425
I've got a bomb!
11
00:00:25,594 --> 00:00:27,511
And now that I've got your attention,
12
00:00:27,512 --> 00:00:29,056
here's my résumé.
13
00:00:30,599 --> 00:00:34,936
This says you were a
babysitter from 1997 to 1998,
14
00:00:34,937 --> 00:00:36,687
then there's a 15-year gap...
15
00:00:36,688 --> 00:00:39,023
Look, I know I'm not perfect,
16
00:00:39,024 --> 00:00:42,526
but let me tell you about
another imperfect employee.
17
00:00:42,527 --> 00:00:44,319
His name was Rudolph,
18
00:00:44,320 --> 00:00:46,363
and he was a joke.
19
00:00:46,364 --> 00:00:49,993
Some say his mother made
it with a doorbell light,
20
00:00:49,994 --> 00:00:51,911
but when he was given a chance,
21
00:00:51,912 --> 00:00:54,080
Rudolph went down in history,
22
00:00:54,081 --> 00:00:56,874
and that reindeer's name was Rudolph.
23
00:00:56,875 --> 00:01:01,670
All I'm asking for is a chance
to get my life back on track.
24
00:01:01,671 --> 00:01:04,882
Last week, I threw
myself at a married man.
25
00:01:04,883 --> 00:01:07,885
I'm like a lollipop with a
question mark on its wrapper.
26
00:01:07,886 --> 00:01:10,013
I don't know what's going on inside.
27
00:01:10,014 --> 00:01:11,597
But if anything can remind me
28
00:01:11,598 --> 00:01:13,724
of what's good and right in the world,
29
00:01:13,725 --> 00:01:15,434
it's this place.
30
00:01:15,435 --> 00:01:18,687
They say there's a war on Christmas.
31
00:01:18,688 --> 00:01:21,815
Well, sir, put me on the front line,
32
00:01:21,816 --> 00:01:23,984
'cause if any Grinches or Scrooges
33
00:01:23,985 --> 00:01:25,945
dare come over that hill,
34
00:01:25,946 --> 00:01:29,281
I'll make them wish
they'd never been born!
35
00:01:29,282 --> 00:01:32,368
[humming "O Tannenbaum"]
36
00:01:34,370 --> 00:01:35,579
Oh, no.
37
00:01:35,580 --> 00:01:37,916
Those Santas must be
coming from a funeral.
38
00:01:39,835 --> 00:01:42,420
I'm so sorry for your loss, Santas.
39
00:01:45,090 --> 00:01:46,257
[sighs]
40
00:01:46,258 --> 00:01:47,716
[tires squealing]
41
00:01:47,717 --> 00:01:48,842
[crash]
42
00:01:48,843 --> 00:01:50,261
Jeepers!
43
00:01:52,222 --> 00:01:54,431
Why is your phone going
straight to voice mail?
44
00:01:54,432 --> 00:01:56,433
Jacqueline, hi! Huh?
45
00:01:56,434 --> 00:02:00,980
So not all toxic mold is black,
but all black mold is toxic...
46
00:02:00,981 --> 00:02:02,189
What are you doing here?
47
00:02:02,190 --> 00:02:03,857
I need a place to stay.
48
00:02:03,858 --> 00:02:06,944
I just found out my ex-husband
sold the town house.
49
00:02:06,945 --> 00:02:08,237
He's in escrow.
50
00:02:08,238 --> 00:02:09,947
Ugh. He's such an escrow.
51
00:02:09,948 --> 00:02:12,033
I had to clean out my closets
52
00:02:12,034 --> 00:02:13,867
and get the jewelry from the safe.
53
00:02:13,868 --> 00:02:15,077
Of course you can stay here,
54
00:02:15,078 --> 00:02:16,787
but wouldn't you rather
be in a fancy hotel?
55
00:02:16,788 --> 00:02:18,664
When I did the Today show,
they put me in a hotel
56
00:02:18,665 --> 00:02:20,833
where the hallways had
trays of free floor food.
57
00:02:20,834 --> 00:02:22,459
No, I can't afford that right now.
58
00:02:22,460 --> 00:02:24,336
But you have 12 million...
59
00:02:24,337 --> 00:02:26,338
You shut your wet mouth!
60
00:02:26,339 --> 00:02:29,258
Don't ever let anyone know how
little I got in the divorce.
61
00:02:29,259 --> 00:02:31,343
Now get me inside...
62
00:02:31,344 --> 00:02:34,430
before someone helicopters over
this neighborhood and sees me.
63
00:02:34,431 --> 00:02:36,015
[acoustic guitar strumming]
64
00:02:36,016 --> 00:02:37,432
[helicopter rotors whirring]
65
00:02:37,433 --> 00:02:39,351
Flores!
66
00:02:39,352 --> 00:02:42,479
Flores para los muertos!
67
00:02:42,480 --> 00:02:43,605
Are they buying it?
68
00:02:43,606 --> 00:02:45,649
[helicopter rotors whirring]
69
00:02:45,650 --> 00:02:48,945
♪ ♪
70
00:02:48,946 --> 00:02:50,529
Mrs. Voorhees...
71
00:02:50,530 --> 00:02:52,031
Oh, wait. You're divorced.
72
00:02:52,032 --> 00:02:53,241
What do I call you now?
73
00:02:53,242 --> 00:02:54,783
Mrs. Voor-hers?
74
00:02:54,784 --> 00:02:56,035
Ms. White.
75
00:02:56,036 --> 00:02:57,661
That's my Sioux family name.
76
00:02:57,662 --> 00:03:01,040
It was given to us in the 1920s
by a sarcastic census taker.
77
00:03:01,041 --> 00:03:03,292
Okay, Ms. White,
78
00:03:03,293 --> 00:03:05,211
what are you doing back in New York?
79
00:03:05,212 --> 00:03:07,879
Kimmy, I need your help.
80
00:03:07,880 --> 00:03:09,006
Help?
81
00:03:09,007 --> 00:03:11,134
That's what we elves are born to do.
82
00:03:11,135 --> 00:03:13,135
Oh, you are dressed like an elf.
83
00:03:13,136 --> 00:03:15,095
I just assumed it was the trucker pills.
84
00:03:15,096 --> 00:03:17,931
So what's the hardest thing in the world
85
00:03:17,932 --> 00:03:19,475
for a trophy wife to do?
86
00:03:20,102 --> 00:03:22,228
Lose the jerk but keep the perks.
87
00:03:22,229 --> 00:03:23,396
Trademark me.
88
00:03:24,439 --> 00:03:27,441
Julian's the jerk, and
the perks are everything
89
00:03:27,442 --> 00:03:30,069
I worked him so hard to achieve.
90
00:03:30,070 --> 00:03:33,530
And I'm gonna get it all back.
91
00:03:33,531 --> 00:03:35,116
[dramatic music]
92
00:03:35,117 --> 00:03:37,629
[upbeat music]
93
00:03:37,654 --> 00:03:39,966
Sync and corrections by btsix
www.addic7ed.com
94
00:03:39,991 --> 00:03:43,017
Resync by CookiesMonsta
95
00:03:43,041 --> 00:03:44,458
[Bankston] ♪ Unbreakable ♪
96
00:03:44,459 --> 00:03:46,168
♪ They alive, damn it ♪
97
00:03:46,169 --> 00:03:47,795
♪ It's a miracle ♪
98
00:03:47,796 --> 00:03:48,921
♪ Unbreakable ♪
99
00:03:48,922 --> 00:03:50,131
♪ They alive, damn it ♪
100
00:03:50,132 --> 00:03:52,549
♪ But females are strong as hell ♪
101
00:03:52,550 --> 00:03:53,592
♪ Unbreakable ♪
102
00:03:53,593 --> 00:03:54,676
♪ They alive, damn it ♪
103
00:03:54,677 --> 00:03:56,470
♪ It's a miracle ♪
104
00:03:56,471 --> 00:03:57,512
♪ Unbreakable ♪
105
00:03:57,513 --> 00:03:58,722
♪ They alive, damn it ♪
106
00:03:58,723 --> 00:04:00,099
That's gonna be, uh...
107
00:04:00,100 --> 00:04:03,227
you know, a fascinating transition.
108
00:04:03,228 --> 00:04:04,104
[singers] ♪ Damn it ♪
109
00:04:04,646 --> 00:04:06,897
The first thing we have to do
is let the city know I'm back.
110
00:04:06,898 --> 00:04:08,440
I'll get my jumbo sidewalk chalk.
111
00:04:08,441 --> 00:04:11,402
Luckily, the gatekeepers of
New York society are all moms
112
00:04:11,403 --> 00:04:13,570
at St. Clotilde's School for Fancy Boys,
113
00:04:13,571 --> 00:04:14,863
where Buckley is kept.
114
00:04:14,864 --> 00:04:16,031
[jazzy music]
115
00:04:16,032 --> 00:04:17,449
They're thin, they're rich,
116
00:04:17,450 --> 00:04:19,410
and I'm their natural enemy...
117
00:04:19,411 --> 00:04:20,702
A gorgeous divorcée
118
00:04:20,703 --> 00:04:22,746
with the pelvic floor
of a 12-year-old boy.
119
00:04:22,747 --> 00:04:23,914
[Kimmy] Gross.
120
00:04:23,915 --> 00:04:25,666
[Jacqueline] But if I can
win over their queen,
121
00:04:25,667 --> 00:04:27,084
the others will follow.
122
00:04:27,085 --> 00:04:30,379
Reg is dragging me to the prewar
auction at J.O. Brothers tonight,
123
00:04:30,380 --> 00:04:32,173
and I am not doing that sober,
124
00:04:32,174 --> 00:04:34,342
so who's up for margaritas
125
00:04:34,343 --> 00:04:37,678
after Pilates Stella McCartney
vegan ankle boot bánh mì detox?
126
00:04:37,679 --> 00:04:39,013
[all laughing]
127
00:04:39,014 --> 00:04:40,514
Deirdre Robespierre.
128
00:04:40,515 --> 00:04:41,932
Owen R.'s mom?
129
00:04:41,933 --> 00:04:43,350
He's so cool!
130
00:04:43,351 --> 00:04:45,560
I have custody of Buckley this week.
131
00:04:45,561 --> 00:04:46,895
You go to after-school pickup
132
00:04:46,896 --> 00:04:48,981
and let the other nannies know I'm back.
133
00:04:48,982 --> 00:04:50,732
If anyone asks where I've been,
134
00:04:50,733 --> 00:04:52,818
just say the Côte d'Azur.
135
00:04:52,819 --> 00:04:55,154
[garbled words]
136
00:04:55,155 --> 00:04:57,031
Right, I forgot.
137
00:04:57,032 --> 00:04:58,199
Say I've been in Europe...
138
00:04:58,200 --> 00:04:59,783
Traveling and trying to figure out
139
00:04:59,784 --> 00:05:02,161
how to spend my half of $3 billion.
140
00:05:02,162 --> 00:05:03,329
Got it?
141
00:05:03,330 --> 00:05:06,665
Okay, now I'm meeting a
broker to look at apartments.
142
00:05:06,666 --> 00:05:07,833
You know what to do...
143
00:05:07,834 --> 00:05:09,126
- [crashing]
- [screams]
144
00:05:09,127 --> 00:05:10,919
[Titus] Heavenly Father!
145
00:05:10,920 --> 00:05:12,921
Titus, what happened?
146
00:05:12,922 --> 00:05:14,506
Much like Icarus,
147
00:05:14,507 --> 00:05:17,009
a friend of mine who once put
too much stuff in his closet,
148
00:05:17,010 --> 00:05:18,969
I put too much stuff in my closet.
149
00:05:18,970 --> 00:05:21,513
[Kimmy] Oh, my gosh.
150
00:05:21,514 --> 00:05:22,557
[sobs]
151
00:05:23,975 --> 00:05:26,185
Oh, Jacqueline's gonna be
staying with us for a few days.
152
00:05:26,186 --> 00:05:27,602
You two have met before, right?
153
00:05:27,603 --> 00:05:29,021
Doorman at Barney's.
154
00:05:29,022 --> 00:05:31,690
We buried a robot together.
155
00:05:31,691 --> 00:05:33,150
[scoffs]
156
00:05:33,151 --> 00:05:35,569
I can't believe "clo-zay" is gone.
157
00:05:35,570 --> 00:05:37,821
Well, do you really
need all these clothes?
158
00:05:37,822 --> 00:05:40,282
I mean, when's the last time you wore...
159
00:05:40,283 --> 00:05:41,616
red suspender shorts
160
00:05:41,617 --> 00:05:42,868
or puffy white gloves?
161
00:05:42,869 --> 00:05:43,994
[Titus] Yes.
162
00:05:43,995 --> 00:05:45,454
Mickey-Mousing hasn't been
a thing in the community
163
00:05:45,455 --> 00:05:46,705
for quite some time.
164
00:05:46,706 --> 00:05:48,290
So why don't you get rid
of some of this stuff?
165
00:05:48,291 --> 00:05:51,502
Because each one of these
pieces is a little piece of me.
166
00:05:51,503 --> 00:05:53,421
Especially this pleather vest
167
00:05:53,422 --> 00:05:56,215
that melted onto me after
I fell asleep at a beach.
168
00:05:56,216 --> 00:05:57,466
Then give it to Goodwill.
169
00:05:57,467 --> 00:05:59,718
When I was a kid, that's where
I got my cool nurse shoes,
170
00:05:59,719 --> 00:06:01,636
and I was all, "Hi, I'm a nurse.
171
00:06:01,637 --> 00:06:04,056
After our shift, let's go
to the bar at the Ramada."
172
00:06:04,057 --> 00:06:05,474
The world would be a better place
173
00:06:05,475 --> 00:06:07,309
if everyone dressed more like me.
174
00:06:07,310 --> 00:06:09,729
Speaking of which, is
that my elf costume?
175
00:06:10,688 --> 00:06:13,274
Oh, no, I left mine in that river.
176
00:06:13,275 --> 00:06:16,402
[quirky music]
177
00:06:16,403 --> 00:06:18,237
♪ ♪
178
00:06:18,238 --> 00:06:19,654
There's my ID.
179
00:06:19,655 --> 00:06:20,948
[sighs]
180
00:06:20,949 --> 00:06:22,449
What the hell are you doing here?
181
00:06:22,450 --> 00:06:26,328
Being in a stupid-face contest
and coming in second.
182
00:06:26,329 --> 00:06:29,498
Well, I'm here cleaning my room out
to take stuff back to Connecticut.
183
00:06:29,499 --> 00:06:30,999
Connecticut!
184
00:06:31,000 --> 00:06:34,169
Do you know what my life is
like now because of you?
185
00:06:34,170 --> 00:06:36,297
I'm on a field hockey team.
186
00:06:36,298 --> 00:06:38,382
I scored twice against Country Day,
187
00:06:38,383 --> 00:06:39,758
and it's all your fault!
188
00:06:39,759 --> 00:06:41,386
Are you seriously still mad at me?
189
00:06:42,637 --> 00:06:44,263
I did it for your own good, Xan.
190
00:06:44,264 --> 00:06:46,098
Someday you'll thank me.
191
00:06:46,099 --> 00:06:48,683
Yeah, when pigs fly.
192
00:06:48,684 --> 00:06:49,893
Oh, my God.
193
00:06:49,894 --> 00:06:52,146
I sound so lame now!
194
00:06:52,147 --> 00:06:53,147
And stupid.
195
00:06:53,148 --> 00:06:55,232
Pigs fly all the time, Xan,
196
00:06:55,233 --> 00:06:56,525
or did you think prize pigs
197
00:06:56,526 --> 00:06:58,860
walk to international pig competitions?
198
00:06:58,861 --> 00:07:00,571
[groans]
199
00:07:00,572 --> 00:07:01,738
[huffs]
200
00:07:01,739 --> 00:07:02,906
[mimics gunshot]
201
00:07:02,907 --> 00:07:05,951
♪ ♪
202
00:07:05,952 --> 00:07:08,287
- This is not gonna be easy.
- I get it.
203
00:07:08,288 --> 00:07:11,582
After all these years, I
still haven't thrown away
204
00:07:11,583 --> 00:07:13,500
my late husband's clothes...
205
00:07:13,501 --> 00:07:15,627
and not just 'cause I dress up in them
206
00:07:15,628 --> 00:07:17,796
to cash his disability checks.
207
00:07:17,797 --> 00:07:19,590
I suppose I could part with this.
208
00:07:19,591 --> 00:07:22,134
It's irrelevant now that Drew
Carey's the host of the show.
209
00:07:22,135 --> 00:07:23,511
Yeah.
210
00:07:23,512 --> 00:07:25,095
And my bunion outgrew these
211
00:07:25,096 --> 00:07:27,848
limited-edition Air Jordache thigh-tops.
212
00:07:27,849 --> 00:07:30,725
Oh, and these shants.
213
00:07:30,726 --> 00:07:33,604
Oh, shorts that are as long as pants.
214
00:07:33,605 --> 00:07:34,813
Bye, shants.
215
00:07:34,814 --> 00:07:36,440
Good for you, Titus.
216
00:07:36,441 --> 00:07:38,150
Good for mankind, Lillian.
217
00:07:38,151 --> 00:07:40,361
Imagine a world where everyone shares
218
00:07:40,362 --> 00:07:42,321
my sense of fabulousness.
219
00:07:42,322 --> 00:07:43,989
There'd be no more war,
220
00:07:43,990 --> 00:07:45,866
no more famine,
221
00:07:45,867 --> 00:07:47,618
no more stupid polo shirts
222
00:07:47,619 --> 00:07:49,495
where the horse is,
like, the whole shirt!
223
00:07:49,496 --> 00:07:51,580
Oh, yay!
224
00:07:51,581 --> 00:07:54,541
Go, Titus!
225
00:07:54,542 --> 00:07:57,169
[bell ringing]
226
00:07:57,170 --> 00:07:58,587
♪ ♪
227
00:07:58,588 --> 00:07:59,754
Hey, guys.
228
00:07:59,755 --> 00:08:00,881
Remember me?
229
00:08:00,882 --> 00:08:03,592
I brought in those nut brownies
that almost killed a couple kids?
230
00:08:03,593 --> 00:08:05,677
Cool, cool.
231
00:08:05,678 --> 00:08:07,680
Owen R.
232
00:08:10,766 --> 00:08:13,853
You must be Owen's nanny. Whatevs.
233
00:08:14,937 --> 00:08:15,854
I love you.
234
00:08:15,855 --> 00:08:17,939
Oh, you're Kimmy,
235
00:08:17,940 --> 00:08:19,274
Buckley's nanny.
236
00:08:19,275 --> 00:08:20,234
You smell like summer.
237
00:08:20,235 --> 00:08:22,528
It's actually pre-fall,
but you're sweet.
238
00:08:22,529 --> 00:08:25,322
So where has Jacqueline
been? We miss her.
239
00:08:25,323 --> 00:08:26,741
Traveling in Yerp.
240
00:08:27,534 --> 00:08:29,493
Euur-up.
241
00:08:29,494 --> 00:08:32,454
Well, please tell her I
would love to see her
242
00:08:32,455 --> 00:08:33,705
whenever she has time.
243
00:08:33,706 --> 00:08:35,332
She would like that.
244
00:08:35,333 --> 00:08:38,126
Oh, any chance she could
do a playdate today?
245
00:08:38,127 --> 00:08:40,003
Owen has blimping until 3:00.
246
00:08:40,004 --> 00:08:41,380
Would 3:30 work?
247
00:08:41,381 --> 00:08:42,590
Um...
248
00:08:42,591 --> 00:08:43,715
checking...
249
00:08:43,716 --> 00:08:45,592
calendar.
250
00:08:45,593 --> 00:08:48,137
Let me see.
251
00:08:49,722 --> 00:08:50,972
Aww...
252
00:08:50,973 --> 00:08:52,016
Hmm.
253
00:08:53,602 --> 00:08:54,560
Yes?
254
00:08:54,561 --> 00:08:56,061
Oh, then it's a date.
255
00:08:56,062 --> 00:08:56,978
[phone beeps]
256
00:08:56,979 --> 00:08:58,522
Buckley playdate, 3:30.
257
00:08:58,523 --> 00:09:00,857
- [phone beeps]
- Owen playdate, 3:30.
258
00:09:00,858 --> 00:09:04,861
[Siri] I found the following on the
web for "urine playmate, teen dirty."
259
00:09:04,862 --> 00:09:06,071
Siri, no!
260
00:09:06,072 --> 00:09:08,031
[laughs]
261
00:09:08,032 --> 00:09:11,076
♪ ♪
262
00:09:11,077 --> 00:09:13,495
Now they filled in the sinkhole.
263
00:09:13,496 --> 00:09:15,247
Where am I supposed to number two
264
00:09:15,248 --> 00:09:17,332
when I have a gentleman caller?
265
00:09:17,333 --> 00:09:22,380
♪ ♪
266
00:09:24,674 --> 00:09:27,301
Pardon me, do you have
any more mannequins?
267
00:09:27,302 --> 00:09:29,303
My pieces will warrant a window display.
268
00:09:29,304 --> 00:09:31,430
Mannequins? No, we don't have...
269
00:09:31,431 --> 00:09:32,473
Hey!
270
00:09:32,474 --> 00:09:33,474
Sicko!
271
00:09:33,475 --> 00:09:34,517
Beat it!
272
00:09:38,521 --> 00:09:40,815
You got donations, just
throw 'em on the pile.
273
00:09:42,233 --> 00:09:45,277
[ominous music]
274
00:09:45,278 --> 00:09:48,280
♪ ♪
275
00:09:48,281 --> 00:09:49,781
All the better.
276
00:09:49,782 --> 00:09:51,575
My clothes will be plucked
from this hellhole
277
00:09:51,576 --> 00:09:53,910
like so many little orphans Annie.
278
00:09:53,911 --> 00:09:55,329
Exactly.
279
00:09:55,330 --> 00:09:58,873
Your clothes are special, like Annie.
280
00:09:58,874 --> 00:10:00,959
The rest of this stuff, it's ugly.
281
00:10:00,960 --> 00:10:03,003
No one wants it,
282
00:10:03,004 --> 00:10:04,254
like the other orphans,
283
00:10:04,255 --> 00:10:07,341
who eventually aged out of the system.
284
00:10:07,342 --> 00:10:10,469
[light instrumental music]
285
00:10:10,470 --> 00:10:16,518
♪ ♪
286
00:10:18,811 --> 00:10:19,978
[sighs]
287
00:10:19,979 --> 00:10:22,230
I'm so proud.
288
00:10:22,231 --> 00:10:29,322
♪ ♪
289
00:10:33,702 --> 00:10:36,077
Well, my apartment search
has been a disaster.
290
00:10:36,078 --> 00:10:39,831
Everything is either too
expensive or just horrible.
291
00:10:39,832 --> 00:10:41,458
Look at this view.
292
00:10:41,459 --> 00:10:44,419
If I can see New Jersey,
that means it can see me.
293
00:10:44,420 --> 00:10:48,590
Okay, so at pickup, I talked
to Mrs. Robespierre...
294
00:10:48,591 --> 00:10:51,176
What? She was there?
295
00:10:51,177 --> 00:10:53,053
Her style... how effortless was it
296
00:10:53,054 --> 00:10:54,971
on a scale from none to zero?
297
00:10:54,972 --> 00:10:56,682
Look, after school, I dropped
Buckley off at Little League,
298
00:10:56,683 --> 00:10:58,099
even though he didn't
have any equipment...
299
00:10:58,100 --> 00:10:59,267
Because he's an owner.
300
00:10:59,268 --> 00:11:01,603
He just watches the games
from his luxury tree.
301
00:11:01,604 --> 00:11:04,314
Okay, but later today, he has a playdate
302
00:11:04,315 --> 00:11:06,358
with Owen and Owen's mom.
303
00:11:06,359 --> 00:11:08,235
[laughing] Oh, Kimmy!
304
00:11:08,236 --> 00:11:10,071
I could just kiss you!
305
00:11:11,239 --> 00:11:12,906
But we shouldn't, right?
306
00:11:12,907 --> 00:11:14,033
Because...
307
00:11:16,827 --> 00:11:18,079
I should go get dressed.
308
00:11:19,330 --> 00:11:21,289
Maybe I've been overthinking this.
309
00:11:21,290 --> 00:11:23,291
I mean, I haven't been gone that long,
310
00:11:23,292 --> 00:11:25,586
and I am the best to be around.
311
00:11:25,587 --> 00:11:26,878
Listen to this laugh.
312
00:11:26,879 --> 00:11:29,924
[laughing heartily]
313
00:11:31,092 --> 00:11:32,467
More rosé?
314
00:11:32,468 --> 00:11:34,052
[laughing]
315
00:11:34,053 --> 00:11:35,887
I am fun,
316
00:11:35,888 --> 00:11:38,181
and I absolutely underestimated Deirdre.
317
00:11:38,182 --> 00:11:39,558
What a sweetheart!
318
00:11:39,559 --> 00:11:41,351
She's so nice.
319
00:11:41,352 --> 00:11:42,853
She remembered my name,
320
00:11:42,854 --> 00:11:44,563
and she said since
you've been traveling,
321
00:11:44,564 --> 00:11:45,732
she'll come to you.
322
00:11:51,862 --> 00:11:53,447
And where exactly
323
00:11:53,448 --> 00:11:55,532
do you expect her to go?
324
00:11:55,533 --> 00:11:56,491
Perhaps we should meet
325
00:11:56,492 --> 00:11:57,743
at the apartment that I don't have?
326
00:11:57,744 --> 00:12:00,746
Or did you expect her to come here?
327
00:12:00,747 --> 00:12:01,996
To this?
328
00:12:01,997 --> 00:12:04,584
I call it Kimmy's
Klubhouse, with two "K" s.
329
00:12:06,377 --> 00:12:08,879
That's why Deirdre wanted
to have a playdate,
330
00:12:08,880 --> 00:12:10,672
to see how I'm living now.
331
00:12:10,673 --> 00:12:12,466
Can't you just say we'll
meet in the park?
332
00:12:12,467 --> 00:12:14,301
She'll see right through that.
333
00:12:14,302 --> 00:12:15,677
People don't go to the park
334
00:12:15,678 --> 00:12:18,222
when they have their own
backyards and terraces.
335
00:12:19,515 --> 00:12:22,559
Unless you have something
even better planned.
336
00:12:22,560 --> 00:12:25,771
Like visiting a place where
it's Christmas all year
337
00:12:25,772 --> 00:12:28,774
and you have to guess
whether it's a man?
338
00:12:28,775 --> 00:12:30,734
It has to be something
that requires access,
339
00:12:30,735 --> 00:12:33,111
connections, special treatment.
340
00:12:33,112 --> 00:12:34,571
I went to a playdate once
341
00:12:34,572 --> 00:12:36,281
where the kids got to
run the Greek economy.
342
00:12:36,282 --> 00:12:37,407
We can beat that.
343
00:12:37,408 --> 00:12:38,909
What are nine-year-old boys into?
344
00:12:38,910 --> 00:12:41,077
Koosh balls. Pokémon.
345
00:12:41,078 --> 00:12:42,245
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
346
00:12:42,246 --> 00:12:44,790
Yes, the Mutant Ninja Turtles.
I can work with that.
347
00:12:44,791 --> 00:12:46,834
Really? That one's still a thing?
348
00:12:46,835 --> 00:12:48,251
- Why?
- Focus up, Kimmy.
349
00:12:48,252 --> 00:12:49,962
I need you to run back
to the town house...
350
00:12:55,760 --> 00:12:56,885
Just practicing.
351
00:12:56,886 --> 00:12:58,428
I knew there was more plan.
352
00:12:58,429 --> 00:12:59,638
What's up?
353
00:12:59,639 --> 00:13:01,264
♪ Heroes in a half shell ♪
354
00:13:01,265 --> 00:13:02,516
♪ Turtle power ♪
355
00:13:02,517 --> 00:13:04,894
Whoever wrote that song
deserves to be a billionaire!
356
00:13:05,603 --> 00:13:08,188
[quirky music]
357
00:13:08,189 --> 00:13:09,314
Oh.
358
00:13:09,315 --> 00:13:12,066
♪ ♪
359
00:13:12,067 --> 00:13:13,819
What are you still doing here?
360
00:13:13,820 --> 00:13:15,487
Are you crying?
361
00:13:15,488 --> 00:13:18,365
No, this is the cool way
to do your makeup now.
362
00:13:18,366 --> 00:13:19,533
I know.
363
00:13:19,534 --> 00:13:20,867
I subscribe to Teen Beat.
364
00:13:20,868 --> 00:13:23,662
[sighs] You're insane.
365
00:13:23,663 --> 00:13:27,833
♪ ♪
366
00:13:27,834 --> 00:13:30,126
Look, I know change is hard...
367
00:13:30,127 --> 00:13:31,294
Do you?
368
00:13:31,295 --> 00:13:33,839
This house has been the
only constant in my life.
369
00:13:33,840 --> 00:13:36,090
Every year, it's like,
"Here's your new mom,
370
00:13:36,091 --> 00:13:37,300
your new school,
371
00:13:37,301 --> 00:13:38,385
your new nose"...
372
00:13:38,386 --> 00:13:40,513
What? No. Shut up!
373
00:13:41,890 --> 00:13:44,725
I actually had to leave my home
when I was about your age.
374
00:13:44,726 --> 00:13:45,976
Yeah?
375
00:13:45,977 --> 00:13:48,520
Well, I bet you hate the
person who made you do it.
376
00:13:48,521 --> 00:13:49,688
Guess what, Kimmy.
377
00:13:49,689 --> 00:13:50,814
For me,
378
00:13:50,815 --> 00:13:52,190
that person's you.
379
00:13:52,191 --> 00:13:54,526
♪ ♪
380
00:13:54,527 --> 00:13:56,528
But that makes me the Reverend.
381
00:13:56,529 --> 00:13:57,988
I'm not the Reverend.
382
00:13:57,989 --> 00:14:05,037
♪ ♪
383
00:14:08,666 --> 00:14:10,041
Oh, Kimmy.
384
00:14:10,042 --> 00:14:11,292
Wonderful.
385
00:14:11,293 --> 00:14:13,211
[whispering] Thank you.
386
00:14:13,212 --> 00:14:14,170
Thank you.
387
00:14:14,171 --> 00:14:15,255
Oh, Kimmy,
388
00:14:15,256 --> 00:14:17,966
I also need you to call my hotel.
389
00:14:17,967 --> 00:14:21,595
My suite is so big, I keep getting lost.
390
00:14:21,596 --> 00:14:23,764
Have them send up a guide monkey.
391
00:14:23,765 --> 00:14:25,098
Does Deirdre look impressed?
392
00:14:25,099 --> 00:14:26,641
Damn it, don't look.
393
00:14:26,642 --> 00:14:29,060
- Does she?
- I'm a good person, right?
394
00:14:29,061 --> 00:14:31,521
- Who cares?
- I know I'm not perfect.
395
00:14:31,522 --> 00:14:33,607
I sometimes look at magazine
covers without paying for them,
396
00:14:33,608 --> 00:14:35,233
and I've made some kissing mistakes...
397
00:14:35,234 --> 00:14:36,192
Hey.
398
00:14:36,193 --> 00:14:38,653
Making out with John Mayer is
just part of living in New York.
399
00:14:38,654 --> 00:14:41,698
But I also help you all the time,
400
00:14:41,699 --> 00:14:42,991
and I don't step on cracks,
401
00:14:42,992 --> 00:14:44,701
even though I haven't
seen my mother in years,
402
00:14:44,702 --> 00:14:47,078
and sending Xan to Connecticut
was for her own good.
403
00:14:47,079 --> 00:14:48,789
It doesn't make me the Reverend.
404
00:14:48,790 --> 00:14:50,540
I think it's time for
some Mutant Ninja Turtles
405
00:14:50,541 --> 00:14:52,166
to go an adventure!
406
00:14:52,167 --> 00:14:54,210
These costumes are just wonderful.
407
00:14:54,211 --> 00:14:55,503
The tortoise shells were collected
408
00:14:55,504 --> 00:14:58,632
by Buckley's grandfather during a
hunting trip to the Galápagos.
409
00:14:58,633 --> 00:14:59,842
Oh.
410
00:15:00,468 --> 00:15:02,343
We need to get through this, Schmidt.
411
00:15:02,344 --> 00:15:03,971
You're not the Reverend, okay?
412
00:15:03,972 --> 00:15:06,265
Now get these kids underground,
and don't let the police see you.
413
00:15:07,182 --> 00:15:08,308
All right, Turtles!
414
00:15:08,309 --> 00:15:10,351
Let's go to your secret
hideout in the sewer!
415
00:15:10,352 --> 00:15:11,812
[together] Yeah!
416
00:15:11,813 --> 00:15:13,815
[both laugh]
417
00:15:15,024 --> 00:15:16,441
Okay, come on.
418
00:15:16,442 --> 00:15:18,402
- Be safe.
- Bye.
419
00:15:20,822 --> 00:15:22,949
She should not be able to do that.
420
00:15:23,699 --> 00:15:24,783
[grunts]
421
00:15:24,784 --> 00:15:25,700
[car horn blaring]
422
00:15:25,701 --> 00:15:27,368
[Buckley] Look, a rat!
423
00:15:27,369 --> 00:15:29,203
- Is it Master Splinter?
- Mm-hmm.
424
00:15:29,204 --> 00:15:30,163
Oh, yeah!
425
00:15:30,164 --> 00:15:31,289
There's hundreds of them.
426
00:15:31,290 --> 00:15:32,749
Ugh.
427
00:15:32,750 --> 00:15:35,002
So how's the apartment hunt?
428
00:15:35,003 --> 00:15:35,961
[scoffs]
429
00:15:35,962 --> 00:15:38,296
Everything's too affordable.
430
00:15:38,297 --> 00:15:40,590
I really like that new
building that Rem Koolhaas
431
00:15:40,591 --> 00:15:42,008
and Michael Stipe designed.
432
00:15:42,009 --> 00:15:44,385
The Rem Koolhaas R.E.M. Cool House?
433
00:15:44,386 --> 00:15:45,428
[gasps]
434
00:15:45,429 --> 00:15:46,387
Hmm?
435
00:15:46,388 --> 00:15:47,640
[laughs]
436
00:15:49,099 --> 00:15:51,685
Oh, a Birkin bag.
437
00:15:51,686 --> 00:15:53,020
It's the one that's made entirely
438
00:15:53,021 --> 00:15:54,896
out of famous Internet cats.
439
00:15:54,897 --> 00:15:56,106
Oh, no, no, I know.
440
00:15:56,107 --> 00:15:57,732
It's just, those came out last year.
441
00:15:57,733 --> 00:16:00,527
This is exactly why I
love you, Jacqueline.
442
00:16:00,528 --> 00:16:02,153
You don't care what anybody thinks.
443
00:16:02,154 --> 00:16:05,115
[laughing] Oh, Deirdre.
444
00:16:05,116 --> 00:16:07,408
I never can tell if
you're trying to help me
445
00:16:07,409 --> 00:16:09,243
or destroy me!
446
00:16:09,244 --> 00:16:10,370
[both laugh]
447
00:16:10,371 --> 00:16:11,746
I honestly don't know!
448
00:16:11,747 --> 00:16:12,873
[laughs]
449
00:16:12,874 --> 00:16:15,458
I have a degree in political
science from Princeton,
450
00:16:15,459 --> 00:16:18,336
and all that wasted mental
energy has to go somewhere.
451
00:16:18,337 --> 00:16:21,840
[both laughing]
452
00:16:21,841 --> 00:16:24,885
[slow jazz music]
453
00:16:24,886 --> 00:16:26,678
♪ ♪
454
00:16:26,679 --> 00:16:29,056
I'll be in intimates.
455
00:16:29,057 --> 00:16:34,061
♪ ♪
456
00:16:34,062 --> 00:16:35,687
Is this some sort of joke?
457
00:16:35,688 --> 00:16:38,565
Is this sticker a phone
call from Crank Yankers?
458
00:16:38,566 --> 00:16:39,733
Is it?
459
00:16:39,734 --> 00:16:44,738
♪ ♪
460
00:16:44,739 --> 00:16:47,741
The culottes can also be used
as pants for stuffed animals.
461
00:16:47,742 --> 00:16:53,831
♪ ♪
462
00:17:08,721 --> 00:17:09,846
Hey, Titus,
463
00:17:09,847 --> 00:17:12,015
you got a D battery on you?
464
00:17:12,016 --> 00:17:16,895
I want to whip a Philadelphia
snowball at those hipsters.
465
00:17:16,896 --> 00:17:18,939
Millennials.
466
00:17:18,940 --> 00:17:20,273
They'll appreciate me.
467
00:17:20,274 --> 00:17:22,068
Millennia, this is perfect.
468
00:17:23,235 --> 00:17:26,446
For our sketch show about ladies
who work at Jennifer Convertibles!
469
00:17:26,447 --> 00:17:27,697
Unacceptable!
470
00:17:27,698 --> 00:17:29,407
You people don't know the meaning
471
00:17:29,408 --> 00:17:31,786
of the word "sensuali-Titus-travaganza!"
472
00:17:32,745 --> 00:17:34,454
That's it!
473
00:17:34,455 --> 00:17:35,956
♪ ♪
474
00:17:35,957 --> 00:17:37,498
Donation canceled!
475
00:17:37,499 --> 00:17:39,333
Pearls before swine!
476
00:17:39,334 --> 00:17:40,710
I should have known better.
477
00:17:40,711 --> 00:17:42,629
You people don't deserve Titus!
478
00:17:42,630 --> 00:17:45,173
♪ ♪
479
00:17:45,174 --> 00:17:47,717
And I was wearing this when I came in.
480
00:17:47,718 --> 00:17:49,552
♪ ♪
481
00:17:49,553 --> 00:17:50,845
Hey!
482
00:17:50,846 --> 00:17:52,847
Buddy, get out of here!
483
00:17:52,848 --> 00:17:57,393
♪ ♪
484
00:17:57,394 --> 00:18:00,021
This is why I never open
myself up to the world.
485
00:18:00,022 --> 00:18:01,773
I just get rejected like
a crinkly dollar bill
486
00:18:01,774 --> 00:18:02,941
in a vending machine!
487
00:18:02,942 --> 00:18:04,317
Titus, no.
488
00:18:04,318 --> 00:18:05,693
You're very smooth.
489
00:18:05,694 --> 00:18:07,361
You're like a pudding man.
490
00:18:07,362 --> 00:18:09,030
Good-bye, cruel world!
491
00:18:09,031 --> 00:18:10,740
♪ ♪
492
00:18:10,741 --> 00:18:14,494
I wish Bruce Willis had let
that asteroid hit you!
493
00:18:14,495 --> 00:18:16,329
Hashtag spoiler alert!
494
00:18:16,330 --> 00:18:19,332
♪ ♪
495
00:18:19,333 --> 00:18:20,875
[both laughing]
496
00:18:20,876 --> 00:18:23,837
We killed Bebop the pig man
and ate so much pizza!
497
00:18:23,838 --> 00:18:26,423
[both laugh]
498
00:18:27,842 --> 00:18:30,010
Well, this was so much fun.
499
00:18:30,011 --> 00:18:31,552
I would say, "See you
tonight," but lucky for you,
500
00:18:31,553 --> 00:18:33,888
you don't have a husband.
501
00:18:33,889 --> 00:18:36,099
I just mean you don't have
a husband who drags you
502
00:18:36,100 --> 00:18:37,767
to auctions every other night.
503
00:18:37,768 --> 00:18:39,811
You know Reg and his art.
504
00:18:39,812 --> 00:18:41,604
He and his sister have the
world's largest collection
505
00:18:41,605 --> 00:18:43,189
of Greek incest pottery.
506
00:18:43,190 --> 00:18:44,941
Well, let me come with you.
I'll keep you company.
507
00:18:44,942 --> 00:18:46,901
Oh, that's so sweet,
508
00:18:46,902 --> 00:18:49,195
but it's just no fun when you can't bid.
509
00:18:49,196 --> 00:18:51,322
I'm not sure I know what you mean.
510
00:18:51,323 --> 00:18:54,367
Darling, can I tell you something?
511
00:18:54,368 --> 00:18:55,702
As a friend?
512
00:18:55,703 --> 00:18:56,953
I don't know. Can you?
513
00:18:56,954 --> 00:18:59,539
I'm honestly not sure.
514
00:18:59,540 --> 00:19:02,042
I have a 150 IQ, but I spent all morning
515
00:19:02,043 --> 00:19:03,668
picking out dog stationery.
516
00:19:03,669 --> 00:19:06,587
Maybe I'm just tormenting
you just to feel alive,
517
00:19:06,588 --> 00:19:10,550
but also there is a chance
this is real empathy.
518
00:19:10,551 --> 00:19:12,635
We may never know! [laughs]
519
00:19:12,636 --> 00:19:14,971
Okay, friend, what is it?
520
00:19:14,972 --> 00:19:17,515
Some hateful rumor about my divorce?
521
00:19:17,516 --> 00:19:20,685
Oh, you are not as dumb as
I say people say you are.
522
00:19:20,686 --> 00:19:22,353
Look,
523
00:19:22,354 --> 00:19:24,189
I hate to dignify this,
524
00:19:24,190 --> 00:19:25,857
but there is a rumor
525
00:19:25,858 --> 00:19:27,942
that you only got $12
million from Julian.
526
00:19:27,943 --> 00:19:29,610
Wow.
527
00:19:29,611 --> 00:19:31,612
That is absurd.
528
00:19:31,613 --> 00:19:34,532
I've never had 12 of anything.
529
00:19:34,533 --> 00:19:37,035
$12 million. [scoffs]
530
00:19:37,036 --> 00:19:39,787
I mean, would a dozenaire
have a chauffeured Bentley?
531
00:19:39,788 --> 00:19:40,997
I don't think so.
532
00:19:40,998 --> 00:19:42,540
[laughs]
533
00:19:42,541 --> 00:19:45,585
Get in the car, kids.
Let's get in the car.
534
00:19:45,586 --> 00:19:49,505
[opera music playing]
535
00:19:49,506 --> 00:19:50,882
See you tonight, sweetie.
536
00:19:50,883 --> 00:19:52,342
[laughs]
537
00:19:52,343 --> 00:19:54,344
[woman singing opera]
538
00:19:54,345 --> 00:19:55,553
Excuse me.
539
00:19:55,554 --> 00:20:01,184
♪ ♪
540
00:20:01,185 --> 00:20:04,187
Stay down.
541
00:20:04,188 --> 00:20:05,479
Get to that bus.
542
00:20:05,480 --> 00:20:06,814
What's a bus?
543
00:20:06,815 --> 00:20:08,649
I can't keep this up.
544
00:20:08,650 --> 00:20:11,194
♪ ♪
545
00:20:11,195 --> 00:20:14,655
[piano music]
546
00:20:14,656 --> 00:20:17,075
Titus! [laughs]
547
00:20:17,076 --> 00:20:18,826
Titus, you'll never believe it!
548
00:20:18,827 --> 00:20:20,578
Go away, Lillian.
549
00:20:20,579 --> 00:20:23,081
I've decided to live
as a bed from now on.
550
00:20:23,082 --> 00:20:25,208
But your clothes are gone!
551
00:20:25,209 --> 00:20:26,751
Somebody took 'em!
552
00:20:26,752 --> 00:20:27,961
- They did?
- Yeah!
553
00:20:27,962 --> 00:20:29,797
Oh, that's... Wait a minute.
554
00:20:30,798 --> 00:20:31,923
Oh, Titus,
555
00:20:31,924 --> 00:20:35,009
you are not on Crank Yankers.
556
00:20:35,010 --> 00:20:37,470
It's not a show anymore,
557
00:20:37,471 --> 00:20:39,139
and they would call you.
558
00:20:39,140 --> 00:20:42,600
[upbeat instrumental music]
559
00:20:42,601 --> 00:20:44,936
I just wish we could have
met the chic sophisticate
560
00:20:44,937 --> 00:20:46,271
that was rummaging through a Dumpster
561
00:20:46,272 --> 00:20:47,772
on a hot weekday afternoon.
562
00:20:47,773 --> 00:20:51,525
I'm just happy there's
another Titus out there.
563
00:20:51,526 --> 00:20:53,903
It's too bad we'll never know who he is.
564
00:20:53,904 --> 00:20:55,446
He could have been my stunt
double if I were ever
565
00:20:55,447 --> 00:20:57,865
to get cast in a movie
that involves stairs.
566
00:20:57,866 --> 00:20:59,575
Well, I'll see you back at the house.
567
00:20:59,576 --> 00:21:01,661
I found some unshredded mail in there,
568
00:21:01,662 --> 00:21:04,165
so I'm gonna go open up a Kohl's card.
569
00:21:08,252 --> 00:21:13,257
♪ ♪
570
00:21:15,843 --> 00:21:17,635
One of my Mickey-Mousing gloves.
571
00:21:17,636 --> 00:21:19,137
Other Titus must have dropped it.
572
00:21:19,138 --> 00:21:26,227
♪ ♪
573
00:21:26,228 --> 00:21:29,939
Teddy von Bearington's
pants and/or my culottes.
574
00:21:29,940 --> 00:21:36,989
♪ ♪
575
00:21:39,741 --> 00:21:41,534
My shants!
576
00:21:41,535 --> 00:21:42,744
Can I help you, pal?
577
00:21:43,537 --> 00:21:44,662
So sorry.
578
00:21:44,663 --> 00:21:47,415
It's just that I threw
away some clothes earlier,
579
00:21:47,416 --> 00:21:48,708
and then I Hansel-and-Gretel'd myself
580
00:21:48,709 --> 00:21:52,753
to your backless... car... thingy.
581
00:21:52,754 --> 00:21:54,630
Hang on.
582
00:21:54,631 --> 00:21:55,840
I know you.
583
00:21:55,841 --> 00:21:57,133
I don't think so.
584
00:21:57,134 --> 00:21:58,301
I am an enigma.
585
00:21:58,302 --> 00:21:59,927
No, dude, you're the...
586
00:21:59,928 --> 00:22:02,556
You're the first guy I ever hit on.
587
00:22:03,557 --> 00:22:04,975
I'm Mikey?
588
00:22:06,352 --> 00:22:08,853
I came out to you.
589
00:22:08,854 --> 00:22:10,104
Of course.
590
00:22:10,105 --> 00:22:11,564
I remember your wrists.
591
00:22:11,565 --> 00:22:13,358
Titus Andromedon.
592
00:22:13,359 --> 00:22:15,318
You may know me from my
attendance at such films
593
00:22:15,319 --> 00:22:16,694
as Must Love Dogs
594
00:22:16,695 --> 00:22:18,905
and the first 20 minutes
of Interstellar.
595
00:22:18,906 --> 00:22:20,865
Anyway, you dropped these.
596
00:22:20,866 --> 00:22:22,409
Sorry.
597
00:22:22,410 --> 00:22:26,079
I'm not exactly out out
at work, you know?
598
00:22:26,080 --> 00:22:27,747
I got to put up a front.
599
00:22:27,748 --> 00:22:29,790
Go to the strip club with the guys,
600
00:22:29,791 --> 00:22:32,378
airbrush a hot chick on
the back of my truck.
601
00:22:33,795 --> 00:22:35,463
Oh...
602
00:22:35,464 --> 00:22:37,257
I get it.
603
00:22:37,258 --> 00:22:39,967
Putting yourself out there is scary.
604
00:22:39,968 --> 00:22:41,219
Right?
605
00:22:41,220 --> 00:22:44,055
And with the gay stuff, I
don't know where to start.
606
00:22:44,056 --> 00:22:46,349
Sometimes I snazz things
up at work, like...
607
00:22:46,350 --> 00:22:47,725
Like with this shirt,
608
00:22:47,726 --> 00:22:49,102
but then the guys start
razzing me, like,
609
00:22:49,103 --> 00:22:50,728
"How's it going, Mr. Shirt?"
610
00:22:50,729 --> 00:22:52,313
That kind of thing.
611
00:22:52,314 --> 00:22:55,816
But when I saw your clothes
in the Dumpster, I just...
612
00:22:55,817 --> 00:22:57,277
Just thought they were real beautiful.
613
00:22:57,278 --> 00:22:58,861
[gasps]
614
00:22:58,862 --> 00:23:00,905
Thank you.
615
00:23:00,906 --> 00:23:02,782
That's...
616
00:23:02,783 --> 00:23:03,992
Thank you.
617
00:23:05,119 --> 00:23:07,328
Well, goodbye forever.
618
00:23:07,329 --> 00:23:08,913
Titus, wait.
619
00:23:08,914 --> 00:23:10,457
Don't you think it's... I don't know...
620
00:23:10,458 --> 00:23:11,874
A sign,
621
00:23:11,875 --> 00:23:14,502
running into each other like this?
622
00:23:14,503 --> 00:23:16,546
Do we believe in signs, us homos?
623
00:23:16,547 --> 00:23:18,047
I can say that, right?
624
00:23:18,048 --> 00:23:19,966
It's America. You can
say anything except...
625
00:23:19,967 --> 00:23:23,011
[jackhammer blaring]
626
00:23:28,934 --> 00:23:30,101
Jezebel.
627
00:23:30,102 --> 00:23:32,645
Right, well, look,
628
00:23:32,646 --> 00:23:34,063
you already rejected me once,
629
00:23:34,064 --> 00:23:37,525
but you remind me of Carlos
Delgado from the Mets,
630
00:23:37,526 --> 00:23:39,068
and that's just hot,
631
00:23:39,069 --> 00:23:41,112
and, uh, whatever.
632
00:23:41,113 --> 00:23:43,114
You miss 100% of the
shots you don't take.
633
00:23:43,115 --> 00:23:45,199
- Right?
- Mathematically, no.
634
00:23:45,200 --> 00:23:46,909
But I do know what you're saying.
635
00:23:46,910 --> 00:23:48,161
Okay.
636
00:23:48,162 --> 00:23:49,996
So...
637
00:23:49,997 --> 00:23:53,000
[chuckles]
638
00:23:55,127 --> 00:23:56,377
You want to go out sometime?
639
00:23:56,378 --> 00:23:58,172
Oh. [laughs]
640
00:24:05,804 --> 00:24:12,811
♪ ♪
641
00:24:19,109 --> 00:24:20,276
Yeah!
642
00:24:20,277 --> 00:24:25,698
♪ ♪
643
00:24:25,699 --> 00:24:26,949
[Jacqueline] This isn't gonna work.
644
00:24:26,950 --> 00:24:28,326
I can't do it,
645
00:24:28,327 --> 00:24:29,660
and I'm not a quitter, Kimmy.
646
00:24:29,661 --> 00:24:32,205
I watched Interstellar
all the way to the end.
647
00:24:32,206 --> 00:24:33,831
You can't keep doing this?
648
00:24:33,832 --> 00:24:35,375
Yes, me.
649
00:24:35,376 --> 00:24:37,293
Is there anyone else here?
650
00:24:37,294 --> 00:24:39,003
I try to be a good person,
651
00:24:39,004 --> 00:24:40,296
but I don't feel good at all,
652
00:24:40,297 --> 00:24:42,006
and it's not just the sewer pizza.
653
00:24:42,007 --> 00:24:43,216
Xan hates me,
654
00:24:43,217 --> 00:24:44,425
Owen got a rat bite,
655
00:24:44,426 --> 00:24:45,801
and all you're doing is lying...
656
00:24:45,802 --> 00:24:47,178
About how much money you have,
657
00:24:47,179 --> 00:24:49,472
where you live, what
monkeys do at hotels.
658
00:24:49,473 --> 00:24:50,640
And how come?
659
00:24:50,641 --> 00:24:52,683
So you can go back to
your dumb life you hated?
660
00:24:52,684 --> 00:24:53,893
What's the point?
661
00:24:53,894 --> 00:24:55,895
I don't know about Xan.
662
00:24:55,896 --> 00:24:57,938
Did you see her? Did she
get fat in Connecticut?
663
00:24:57,939 --> 00:25:01,609
But you're helping me do something
really important and good.
664
00:25:01,610 --> 00:25:03,611
'Splain it.
665
00:25:03,612 --> 00:25:05,946
I came back to New York
to help my family.
666
00:25:05,947 --> 00:25:08,866
By turning into a Deirdre and
making me fight a gutter pig?
667
00:25:08,867 --> 00:25:11,702
The Dutch bought Manhattan
for $24 worth of beads.
668
00:25:11,703 --> 00:25:13,413
Today it's worth a trillion,
669
00:25:13,414 --> 00:25:15,456
and I plan to make up the difference.
670
00:25:15,457 --> 00:25:17,667
But who even has that much beads?
671
00:25:17,668 --> 00:25:18,876
Maybe Michael's Arts & Crafts.
672
00:25:18,877 --> 00:25:20,086
Ask for Jan!
673
00:25:20,087 --> 00:25:22,213
Every year, men like Deirdre's husband
674
00:25:22,214 --> 00:25:24,131
donate billions to charity.
675
00:25:24,132 --> 00:25:27,427
They support art museums,
wiener disease research,
676
00:25:27,428 --> 00:25:30,638
super PACs that drive poor people
to the circus on election day.
677
00:25:30,639 --> 00:25:32,598
And you get free peanuts.
678
00:25:32,599 --> 00:25:34,892
You know who Robin Hood is?
679
00:25:34,893 --> 00:25:36,477
Uh, yeah.
680
00:25:36,478 --> 00:25:39,272
That Disney movie where
Robin Hood's a fox?
681
00:25:39,273 --> 00:25:41,482
When you were little, did
you think he was handsome?
682
00:25:41,483 --> 00:25:44,068
And then, like, your
crotch gets a headache?
683
00:25:44,069 --> 00:25:45,027
Are you kidding?
684
00:25:45,028 --> 00:25:46,237
That voice
685
00:25:46,238 --> 00:25:47,613
and how he didn't wear pants?
686
00:25:47,614 --> 00:25:49,073
[moans softly]
687
00:25:49,074 --> 00:25:50,741
Well, I'm trying to be Robin Hood.
688
00:25:50,742 --> 00:25:53,369
Take from the rich and give to the poor.
689
00:25:53,370 --> 00:25:55,746
If I can get back into Deirdre's world,
690
00:25:55,747 --> 00:25:59,292
I can start a charity that
will make up for 400 years
691
00:25:59,293 --> 00:26:00,418
of Dutch oppression,
692
00:26:00,419 --> 00:26:04,004
but I won't get a penny
unless I'm taken seriously,
693
00:26:04,005 --> 00:26:07,091
and if I fail, I can't go back home.
694
00:26:07,092 --> 00:26:08,302
[sighs]
695
00:26:09,678 --> 00:26:13,306
You know, in the bunker,
when a new girl showed up,
696
00:26:13,307 --> 00:26:16,643
there was one way she could
get instant respect.
697
00:26:16,644 --> 00:26:19,019
Go up to the toughest-looking girl there
698
00:26:19,020 --> 00:26:20,813
and punch her in the face.
699
00:26:20,814 --> 00:26:23,441
What does the Reverend even see in her?
700
00:26:23,442 --> 00:26:25,109
It's like, talk American, right?
701
00:26:25,110 --> 00:26:26,235
[both laugh]
702
00:26:26,236 --> 00:26:27,279
[thud] [grunts]
703
00:26:28,363 --> 00:26:30,823
[in Spanish] Now you're all my bitches!
704
00:26:30,824 --> 00:26:32,326
Mm!
705
00:26:33,410 --> 00:26:35,495
[thud]
706
00:26:35,496 --> 00:26:36,746
Who the heck are you?
707
00:26:36,747 --> 00:26:38,914
I'm Gretchen. I just
got here. [chuckles]
708
00:26:38,915 --> 00:26:40,874
[Kimmy] After that,
709
00:26:40,875 --> 00:26:42,168
no one messes with you.
710
00:26:42,169 --> 00:26:45,963
I don't know what the rich blonde
lady version of a bunker punch is...
711
00:26:45,964 --> 00:26:47,214
I do.
712
00:26:47,215 --> 00:26:49,091
Kimmy, I need you to go
back to the town house
713
00:26:49,092 --> 00:26:51,469
and get Julian's father's
slave auction paddle.
714
00:26:51,470 --> 00:26:53,554
Father? That's not long enough ago.
715
00:26:53,555 --> 00:26:56,474
And, look, I know I've been making
you run back and forth all day,
716
00:26:56,475 --> 00:26:58,476
but I can't go back to that house.
717
00:26:58,477 --> 00:26:59,893
Too many terrible memories.
718
00:26:59,894 --> 00:27:01,562
That's it!
719
00:27:01,563 --> 00:27:03,147
That's how I help Xan!
720
00:27:03,148 --> 00:27:05,941
Did you hear? She got
fat in Connecticut.
721
00:27:05,942 --> 00:27:08,986
[solemn instrumental music]
722
00:27:08,987 --> 00:27:10,237
♪ ♪
723
00:27:10,238 --> 00:27:12,448
You must have a lot of great
memories in this house.
724
00:27:12,449 --> 00:27:13,741
I don't get it.
725
00:27:13,742 --> 00:27:16,494
I was putting Windex in
your food, like, every day.
726
00:27:16,495 --> 00:27:19,205
I bet each room in this
house is special to you.
727
00:27:19,206 --> 00:27:21,207
Obviously this one is.
728
00:27:21,208 --> 00:27:22,333
It's funny,
729
00:27:22,334 --> 00:27:24,168
'cause this is also where
your tutor Charles and I
730
00:27:24,169 --> 00:27:25,711
would tongue out in secret.
731
00:27:25,712 --> 00:27:27,505
Wait. What?
732
00:27:27,506 --> 00:27:28,589
Oh, yeah.
733
00:27:28,590 --> 00:27:29,799
We'd be all...
734
00:27:29,800 --> 00:27:32,802
[smooching and moaning]
735
00:27:32,803 --> 00:27:34,887
Oh, yeah! Gimme!
736
00:27:34,888 --> 00:27:36,096
[grunts]
737
00:27:36,097 --> 00:27:37,598
[squealing] Oh, yeah!
738
00:27:37,599 --> 00:27:39,183
[squeaking]
739
00:27:39,184 --> 00:27:41,935
Wh... Why are you doing that?
740
00:27:41,936 --> 00:27:43,688
Ew! [groans]
741
00:27:43,689 --> 00:27:46,524
You must have a lot of
great memories in here.
742
00:27:46,525 --> 00:27:48,108
Breakfast on Christmas morning,
743
00:27:48,109 --> 00:27:49,443
hanging out with your friends,
744
00:27:49,444 --> 00:27:50,903
to say nothing of lunch!
745
00:27:50,904 --> 00:27:52,572
I did a lot of stuff here, too.
746
00:27:52,573 --> 00:27:53,739
For example...
747
00:27:53,740 --> 00:27:57,243
playing "Sexy Cat Burglar
Avoiding Lasers."
748
00:27:57,244 --> 00:28:00,454
♪ ♪
749
00:28:00,455 --> 00:28:03,123
Rapping my cool Kimmy raps.
750
00:28:03,124 --> 00:28:04,333
♪ Xan's got a plan ♪
751
00:28:04,334 --> 00:28:06,460
♪ With her friend Jan
in the tan van, man ♪
752
00:28:06,461 --> 00:28:07,712
♪ Aww, beatbox ♪
753
00:28:07,713 --> 00:28:09,880
[scatting]
754
00:28:09,881 --> 00:28:11,424
And look,
755
00:28:11,425 --> 00:28:14,134
a world of infinite Kimmys.
756
00:28:14,135 --> 00:28:15,428
Please stop!
757
00:28:15,429 --> 00:28:17,680
♪ ♪
758
00:28:17,681 --> 00:28:19,766
Any good memories out here?
759
00:28:19,767 --> 00:28:21,183
No.
760
00:28:21,184 --> 00:28:22,393
Cool,
761
00:28:22,394 --> 00:28:25,772
'cause this is where I threw up
baked beans and sewer pizza.
762
00:28:25,773 --> 00:28:27,940
You what? When?
763
00:28:27,941 --> 00:28:30,234
Right now!
764
00:28:30,235 --> 00:28:31,193
[retches]
765
00:28:31,194 --> 00:28:33,028
Damn it, Kimmy,
766
00:28:33,029 --> 00:28:34,822
that's where I had my first kiss.
767
00:28:34,823 --> 00:28:37,116
You're like an HGTV renovation team.
768
00:28:37,117 --> 00:28:39,786
You come into someone's home and
ruin it with your stupidity.
769
00:28:39,787 --> 00:28:42,372
You ruined the house I grew up in.
770
00:28:43,331 --> 00:28:45,083
I bet that makes it easier to leave.
771
00:28:46,209 --> 00:28:48,043
Do you think you're helping me?
772
00:28:48,044 --> 00:28:49,712
You're heading for the door.
773
00:28:49,713 --> 00:28:52,172
♪ ♪
774
00:28:52,173 --> 00:28:53,633
You're so weird.
775
00:28:53,634 --> 00:28:55,343
In bed!
776
00:28:56,970 --> 00:29:03,183
♪ ♪
777
00:29:03,184 --> 00:29:05,394
[man] Going once, going twice...
778
00:29:05,395 --> 00:29:06,854
What are you doing?
779
00:29:06,855 --> 00:29:09,148
Using my $12 million to punch Deirdre
780
00:29:09,149 --> 00:29:10,691
in her white mouth.
781
00:29:10,692 --> 00:29:14,654
Sold to the lady in the front
row for $11 1/2 million.
782
00:29:14,655 --> 00:29:16,406
[crowd gasps]
783
00:29:17,783 --> 00:29:19,158
I'm so sorry.
784
00:29:19,159 --> 00:29:21,952
I didn't recognize you, Mrs. Voorhee...
785
00:29:21,953 --> 00:29:24,079
I mean Ms. White.
786
00:29:24,080 --> 00:29:25,289
[crowd laughs]
787
00:29:25,290 --> 00:29:28,334
[applause]
788
00:29:28,335 --> 00:29:31,587
♪ ♪
789
00:29:31,588 --> 00:29:35,132
She must have taken Julian
for all he's worth,
790
00:29:35,133 --> 00:29:37,134
and now she's returned in full,
791
00:29:37,135 --> 00:29:39,345
like Alcibiades to Athens,
792
00:29:39,346 --> 00:29:41,473
and I have become her Eupolis.
793
00:29:42,557 --> 00:29:45,142
Oh, I picked up Mookie's stationery.
794
00:29:45,143 --> 00:29:46,852
[applause]
795
00:29:46,853 --> 00:29:49,897
[upbeat jazz music]
796
00:29:49,898 --> 00:29:54,030
♪ ♪
797
00:29:54,491 --> 00:30:00,269
Sync and corrections by btsix
www.addic7ed.com
798
00:31:06,725 --> 00:31:08,727
- Good night, everybody!
- Good night!