How are your hands so smooth?
Just diet and exercise.
You're not holding a mannequin hand.
Hey, Ma.
Um, nothing.
Just hanging out with some guys from work.
We're, uh, bowling.
- Roll, roll, roll, roll, crash! - Of course I'll be there tomorrow.
Hey, Bobby, it's your bowling turn.
No, I haven't seen Theresa's baby yet because it hasn't been born, Ma.
The owner of a Toyota Camry, your lights are on.
Actually, that's a very good excuse.
Roll, roll, roll, roll, miss!
All right. Love you too.
What am I doing?
Oh, no.
You're not actually bowling.
I just transported you...
No, it's just...
It was one thing when I was lying to myself about being gay,
but now that I'm officially gay...
Did you register?
You get 10% off at all Halloween pop-up stores.
Dude, I got to come out to my family,
like, at dinner tomorrow.
Are you saying we have less than 24 hours to prepare?
What does that mean? What am I supposed to prepare?
Everything!
What will you wear?
Do you have songs picked out?
Have you finalized your scent profile?
Why is everything so complicated with us people?
Decisions, decisions.
Kimmy...
which of these ties goes best with, "How dare you? He's your son!"
Um, they look the same.
Are you insane?
Burnt lilac. Amalfi Grimace.
Kim Kim Kim, a play on Rin Tin Tin,
I've been to many a coming-out.
When Lance Bass came out, I was there...
at the newsstand,
staring at that People magazine
until the guy asked me if I was gonna buy it.
Lance Bass? No, I misheard that.
But I've never actually been a part of the drama.
Tomorrow I get to play the role of... gasp...
secret boyfriend who prepared a song.
I'll be like Jackie O. At JFK's funeral.
Ain't nobody looking at that wooden box.
Titus, there was an Italian family in Durnsville,
and they were pretty old-fashioned.
They pulled their daughter out of school because she kissed a girl,
even though it was just a CPR dummy.
I kind of wonder how Mikey's family is gonna react to all this.
Oh, I know. Can you imagine the drama?
Titus. Titus, we got to do something.
I know I talk a big game about gentrification,
but now it's time for action.
Those sons of bitches opened a bakery.
Some puppies opened a bakery and we're mad about it?
Sorry, Lillian, but I can't help you.
Mikey's coming out, and I have so much to do to get ready.
Okay, but you're missing out, T.
I'm gonna take this place down old-school,
like back in the '70s when this city was a city.
When we were giving Mayor Lindsay hell
and Mayor Lindsay was giving Florence Henderson crabs
and the Crabs were a street gang that threw live crabs at people.
Is any of this real, Lillian?
Maybe.
What about you, Princess?
You want to do something important today,
or are you gonna go do cartwheels and make friends with a bee?
I'd love to, but it's a really big day for me.
- I'm starting... - Bored.
Tell us in charades.
- Oh, oh, Pac-Man. - Talking. Titus.
- Uh, Ms. Pac-Man. - Titus is talking.
- Baby Pac-Man. - Okay, we know it starts with a T.
The Pac-Mans stop having sex and go to couples counseling.
Tangerine. Thyroid. Two turtledoves.
Therapy.
You're starting therapy today!
So take a good look.
The next time you see me, I'll be totally normal.
Up high.
No?
The only therapy I ever had was a Christian summer camp
that tried to make boys less "musical."
Ooh.
♪ It was a total bangfest ♪
♪ Unbreakable ♪
♪ They alive, damn it ♪
♪ It's a miracle ♪
♪ Unbreakable ♪
♪ They alive, damn it ♪
♪ But females are strong as hell ♪
♪ Unbreakable ♪
♪ They alive, damn it ♪
♪ It's a miracle ♪
♪ Unbreakable ♪
♪ They alive, damn it ♪
That's gonna be, uh...
you know, a fascinating transition.
♪ Damn it ♪
- So how are you doing? - Great.
I'm gonna tear therapy a new one.
And then therapy will be like, "Thanks, Kimmy.
Now I've got two."
What'd you do to your leg?
Well, who knows, really?
As Beyoncé would say,
"I woke up like dis."
So I'm doing great.
You are doing great.
You're a doctor with double-pierced ears.
How cool is that?
No, I don't have double...
Okay, let's talk about you.
Why are you here, Kimmy?
Well, let's start from the beginning.
So the ghost was just a guy surfing at night?
Thumbs down.
Won't be reading that one again.
Ooh.
Ugh! Dang shoe!
Excuse me, miss.
Can you tell me how to get to the nursing college?
No, I can't, stranger.
- But I can show you. - Ooh.
Were you alone a lot as a child?
Oh, um, I guess.
Did you grow up in a two-parent household?
I'm sorry. Why are we talking about stuff from before I was kidnapped?
I'm here to talk about the bunker.
My prom date was a guy made out of cans who went home with a different girl.
Kimmy, therapy isn't a quick fix.
It takes time.
And the bunker is not the only thing that defines you.
I know that.
I just want to go fast.
Straight to the breakthrough part.
So if you need to know about my whole life, I'll do it.
Like the Micro Machines guy.
My parents met while my mom was a beauty technician
and my dad came in to get a perm.
They did it once in the bathroom of a Ruby Tuesdays,
where he said, "This must be Booby Tuesdays."
I don't really know him, but his name starts with an S or a 5.
I was born on a roller coaster during a tornado alert...
Wait. What?
What do we want?
When do we want it?
Hey there.
We thought you might want a little snack.
It's our take on a Pop-Tart.
But because both those words are gendered, we call it a j'shnerp.
But I am protesting you.
Oh, you are just the cutest.
Cutest?
I was breaking into the Fed naked
with "OPEC" written on me in pig's blood
before you were even a twinkle in the eye of the dog
that mounted your mom.
Write that down before it's lost forever.
What?
Girlie, you must have me confused
with someone who doesn't have a throwing crab in her pocket.
You should be scared of me!
Everything I own, I looted in the '77 blackout!
And when I needed new shoes,
I caused the 2003 blackout.
I'm sorry, but I'm not gonna lie to you.
But his name is Lance. What's gay about that?
Actually, Kimmy, you should know, Lance is a super-gay name.
Well, that's our time.
Wait. We're done?
No, nothing happened.
I told you this is a process.
Frasier Crane would fix people's problems in one phone call.
Then he'd throw a dinner party for the Seattle Opera
and be all, "Good God, Niles!"
- Look, you can't force a breakthrough. - So what?
I'm just gonna keep coming here
and talking forever and never accomplishing anything
like those clowns in Congress?
God, being in Congress must be fun.
Okay, your need for validation is understandable.
Some of my clients get these after every session.
Stickers?
"You're a superstar," says a star, sure...
And it's wearing a cape?
Every time we talk, you get a little reminder of your progress.
So one sticker a session?
Or do I get more stickers based on what I say?
'Cause that's a better system.
Not telling you how to do your job.
You're the sticker doctor.
Today you get three:
one for coming in,
one for doing some really good work,
and one for coming back tomorrow.
Thanks, Andrea.
Maybe that smiling purple ball is right.
I am grape at this.
Okay, that's funny.
...burning in hell with the rest of the Yankees, Lord.
Amen.
- What did I just serve myself? - It's veal face.
Don't embarrass me. I got enough going on.
Dude, I'm sorry, but I'm freaking out a little.
I feel sick to my stomach.
It's just, I don't want to upset my dad.
He's an emotional guy.
Last family fight, he got up and drove to the cemetery
to go stand in his mausoleum.
And my brother Dom, Jr.,
he won't understand.
He's a real guy's guy.
That's why he's at the gym all the time
with his roommate, Lance.
And then there's my Pupazza.
Is that a person?
If it is, this could kill her.
I hate lying to my family,
but I don't know if I can do this.
Of course you can.
And I'm right here beside you.
Come on, how bad can it be?
Mikey's not eating.
What's wrong with you? You don't want to be a little fat anymore?
No, I'm just...
I'll eat later.
Michael Michael Politano,
did you eat before you got here?
No, I'm just not hungry.
There is no God.
O Lucifer, receive your servant!
And this is just about food.
You see what you're doing to your mother?
I have half a mind to go mausoleum right now!
Satan, fill me with your seed!
May Pupazza visit you in your dreams, Michael.
No, I'm just gay. Okay?
I'm gay.
I'm nervous.
'Cause I didn't know how to tell you guys.
Titus isn't my fireman's doctor.
That was a lie.
He's my boyfriend.
That's it.
In the words of Sara Bareilles...
Michael...
do you know what the church says about homosexuality?
Hmm?
'Cause I don't anymore.
Our gay pope seems to be for it.
So who am I to go against our gay pope?
And supposedly one in ten is gay,
so one of our kids had to be.
Sure wasn't going to be Dominic, Jr.
Not unless touching boobs makes you gay!
Love makes everyone equal!
It's sad.
Her mind is gone.
Michael, look, you know I don't do big speeches.
Come here.
Thanks, Dad.
Salute!
I blame Ellen DeGeneres for this.
Those stickers are great, huh?
What's that?
A pepper saying, "Hot stuff"?
Not bad. Not bad.
Yes. Dylan loves the stickers.
So does Kimmy.
Well, they do help motivate him not to wet the bed.
Oh, Kimmy doesn't have that problem.
But she doesn't look down on Dylan.
So how old's your child?
Kimmy's what?
I'm ready to go, Dad.
Dr. Bayden said I'd get another sticker if I'm polite when I meet new people...
like this bitch.
- Ow! - Oh, s-so sorry.
These stickers are for kids.
You lied to me, Doctor.
If that even is your real name.
The stickers are just a tool for positive reinforcement.
And, yes, generally, they are for younger people,
but so are wheelie-sneakers.
Oh!
I'm fine. Don't help me.
You know what?
You were just tricking me.
You wanted me to leave, so you gave me some stickers.
You think that makes me feel grape?
No. It makes me berry sad.
'Cause you know who else used to mess with my head like that?
The Reverend!
Kimmy, I am berry sorry...
Excuse me. Very.
You have every raisin... Oh, come on, Banandrea.
This sucks eggs! I'm so mad!
Sorry about the turbulence.
A moment ago, you were quite upset.
And I apologized.
Can we just get back to you telling me all my childhood crushes are gay?
Who's next, Ricky Martin and Niles?
Wow. Okay.
Actually, I would like to talk
about how you control your temper like that.
Okay.
Well, when I was little, I was obsessed with Disney princesses.
Belle, Ariel, Tan Sally Dress-Up...
That's what they called Pocahontas in Indiana.
Mm.
But then, in the bunker, I realized I was a Disney princess.
I was held prisoner by a beast, like Belle.
I had to keep my mouth shut, like Ariel.
Yes, those movies are problematic.
You probably haven't seen Tangled,
but at the end when they cut Rapunzel's hair off,
it turns brown and "loses its magic."
What is that about?
But they all had happy endings.
So whenever my noodle got steamed, I just took a trip to my happy place.
♪ When I'm feeling sad or mad ♪
♪ And wish that I were dead ♪
♪ I hide inside my mind and sing a happy song instead ♪
♪ Ding-dong diddly, ding-dong do ♪
♪ Just sing your anger away ♪
♪ When the Reverend tries to terrorize ♪
♪ Just cover up the screams and cries ♪
♪ With a ditty you improvise ♪
♪ Over and over and every day ♪
♪ Ding-dong diddly, ding-dong do ♪
♪ Is such a helpful tune ♪
♪ It fills you with the warmest glow ♪
♪ Then bundles up your pain and woe ♪
♪ And wraps them up with a blood-red bow ♪
♪ And sends them to the moon ♪
- ♪ How did he trick us? ♪ - ♪ La, la, lo ♪
- ♪ Why did he pick us? ♪ - ♪ I don't know ♪
♪ Only to stick us far below ♪
- ♪ Where mushrooms grow ♪ - ♪ And corpses go ♪
♪ Just sing, just sing Just sing, just sing ♪
♪ So when you're angry and in a stew ♪
♪ Remember this secret I'm telling you ♪
♪ Sing ding-dong diddly, ding-dong do ♪
Wonderful.
Oh, thank you, Fairy Godmother.
Sure, dude.
Kimmy, having a coping mechanism is perfectly healthy,
but you do know that it's okay to get mad, right?
Of course.
Not!
Wayne's World.
Anger is a normal response to a lot of things.
For example, getting a 50th birthday card from your niece when you're 44.
I mean, who paid for that? She's seven!
No. Anger is bad and ugly.
It's the opposite of who I want to be.
So I don't get pissed off.
I get pissed on.
Hmm.
Look, between now and our next session,
I want you to allow yourself to be angry.
You are entitled to that emotion.
And if you do, you can have any sticker you want.
Fine. If I have to, the astronaut one that says, "You're out of this world."
I don't care.
What are you doing?
You're not supposed to eat those.
They're biscotti. They're terrible.
I don't care.
Am... Am I missing something here?
'Cause that went great, right?
It was great for you.
Not so great for me or my planned butterfly release.
Oh, my God.
Are you mad that you didn't get to be the center of attention at this?
I wrote a song that rhymed "tolerance" with...
No, you know what? I'm not even gonna tell you now.
- Wow, Titus. - That's exactly what they would have said!
But I never got to have that moment.
Not today, not ever!
Homo says what?
I never got to come out, Mikey.
That speech I was gonna give today?
I've been writing it in my head for 20 years.
I was just gonna replace "Titus" with "Mikey,"
"Mississippi" with "Queens,"
and "Miss Saigon" with "the New York Jets."
Go, Jets.
Growing up in Mississippi, coming out wasn't a thing.
You were just... funny.
And then you marry a Vonda.
In Queens, they're called Ginas.
I never got the drama, the hugs, the tears,
and, more importantly, I never got to stare bigotry in the eye
and say, "Homey don't play that."
I said it's been 20 years.
I'm happy for you, Mikey.
But the world weeps for Titus.
I need to take a somber, reflective walk.
Hey, Lillian.
Let me help you with those.
I don't need your help.
What do you think, I can't carry my own brown-bag porno?
Ah!
Oh, what are you looking at, Strawberry Shortbus?
Lillian, how do you do it?
Standing up is the only way I can.
When you're upset, you just let it all out.
I don't know how to do that.
It doesn't matter if you let it all out
if nobody takes you seriously.
Well, my therapist wants me to be mad more.
- She thinks... - She?
Oh, brother.
She thinks that I'm entitled to that emotion or whatever.
So maybe you can teach me?
Okay.
Yeah.
That's what I need!
Get back out there!
Ha!
I'll show you.
Oh, these bastards.
Come on. Follow my lead.
Can I ask you guys to wait a moment? We're filming.
Yeah, I'm walking.
I'll smack you in the mouth.
Oh, my God!
Will you be the crazy grandma in my web series?
- What... - That's Richard Belzer.
Mr. Belzer! Mr. Belzer!
It's Kimmy from watching you!
Mr. Belzer!
Watch this.
Oh, no! Oh, don't worry.
I'll pick that up 'cause I work for you!
Ah!
Wait. Where'd that come from?
You never picked it up.
What the hell is happening?
If we can't find a way to get into a fight in a New York City deli,
then Al Sharpton was right.
I'm an embarrassment to honkydom.
But what's there to get mad about in here?
They got candy and giant beer bottles...
...that make me feel like I'm shrinking.
"What's there to get mad about?"
How about this hotshot on a very important phone call?
Mommy, I tried, but it was hot, and I didn't have the things.
Mommy! Turn down the TV.
What are you watching?
No, don't! I'm taping it!
Eh!
And I'm cutting the line.
You go ahead, honey.
You people are useless.
And I don't know what your problem is.
I thought you wanted to get angry.
I guess this kind of stuff just isn't what makes me mad.
Oh, forget it.
I can't deal with you.
You're on your own.
You're on your own. You're on your own.
You're on your own, you bitch!
I'll kill you!
Aah!
Aah! Aah!
I'll eat your heart!
Aah!
Mwah.
Dude, there you are. We got to get going.
- You'll hit airport traffic. - The Belt Parkway is a parking lot.
Satan, guide them.
Sorry. I was just dramatically walking around the cemetery.
I live there at night.
That's him!
The Afro-American one.
Unless you're about to sing "Jump," you better put away that pointer, sister.
Officers, Jermaine here has been casing the neighborhood
and break-dancing in the cemetery.
I was being chased by a moth!
Anthony, that is uncalled for.
Hey, Dad, I know you don't do big speeches, but...
maybe Titus has one prepared.
You want to come out to this guy as black?
I will need a microphone, a face towel, and some live butterflies.
The game Pictionary
defines "bigotry" as two different-size stick men,
and you circle the larger one
for the "big" sound.
And then you draw a tree.
Why are you treating me like this?
Because this isn't Earth, straight astronaut.
This is the gay planet...
I mean black planet, white astronaut.
Think about it.
If you prick us, do we not bleed?
If you tickle us...
do we not Elmo?
♪ 'Cause we all can ♪
♪ Learn about tolerance ♪
♪ Hey, what's that? ♪
♪ A real tall fence ♪
He did it!
Goddamn, he did it.
Oh!
- Oh, yeah. - Wow.
The magic of tolerance.
Okay, I tried being mad, and I don't like it.
So it's not like this is Green Eggs and Ham.
I give up.
I'm done being angry.
♪ Ding-dong diddly, ding-dong diddly ♪
♪ Ding-dong diddly, ding-dong do ♪
That's snake-sational!
What happened to my dress?
Oh, this is a new special dress for the Prince's Ball.
A prince? What prince?
Well, he said he was a prince, so I let him in.
Why, Sister Kimmy...
♪ You've got me wrong ♪
♪ I'm fun, see? ♪
♪ I'm known from Gary to Muncie ♪
♪ As the freaky, funky fella with a bunker in his yard ♪
- ♪ I got good times... ♪ - Animals, get him!
- Yah! - Oh, God!
Oh, God! I'm still alive.
I can feel all of this.
Mmm, he tastes yummier than lettuce.
Aah! Oh.
Kimmy Schmidt, don't you crush my sk...
Where do you think you're going?
Bippity-boppity...
No, my face!
You broke my happy place.
It used to be like Disney World,
but now it's the unhappiest place on Earth,
like everywhere else in Florida.
Slow down. I'm drunk.
And what do you think you've learned from all this?
Nothing. That I hate the Reverend.
Biggest duh ever!
No. It's not about the Reverend.
I mean, it's a lot about the Reverend,
but to quote Salt-N-Pepa,
"That's not it."
Who else is there?
The flying lady.
I mean, she didn't take care of you, so you killed her.
I wonder who she's supposed to be, Andrea.
- What older lady... - You are.
...has been all up in my brain tubes lately?
No! Not me. I'm here for you.
I had just gotten a booty call from my doorman when you showed up.
And who did I choose? Both.
But in what order?
You first.
No, that Fairy Godmother, she set you up and then tried to leave,
and that made you mad.
Like when I flipped out on Lillian.
So can you think of any other woman in your life
who has let you down a lot
who maybe you blame 'cause of you're in the bunker?
And this glass is gonna be lights out, so...
get there quick.
My mother?
Bingo! Ain't just a river in Egypt.
Oh, daytime me is like, "This is a process.
This takes time."
But actually, it's always the parents.
Always.
They fugyup.
So what does that mean?
It's not enough that I was kidnapped for 15 years?
Now I have to deal with Lori-Ann Schmidt?
If that's your mom. Otherwise, no.
- Ow! - Me and you.
We're gonna figure this out,
like a couple of lesbians hooking up a hot-water heater.
But, hey...
that mom stuff, that's a breakthrough...
for realsies.
I don't have any stickers left, so just, um...
take a thingy.
Lillian! There you are.
I don't have time for this, Kimmy.
No, let me apologize for calling you the B word,
'cause what you really are is a massive C word...
class act.
Ah, don't apologize to me.
You were right.
I am a bitch.
No matter what anyone thinks, I'm tough as hell.
And I'll prove it.
Hit me!
I'm stronger than Houdini!
- Who? - Dini.
And I hit back.
But looking like this, they'll never see it coming.
Hey, what's going on over here?
Oh, is there a problem, Officer?
Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am.
I didn't realize you were a sweet old lady trying to save a young prostitute.
- Aw. - Why does everyone always think I'm...
Let me help you with those.
Oh, thank you so much.
Sure.
Oh.
Come on. Follow me.
Wait. What are we doing?
They think they're gonna build condos here.
Let's see 'em try.
- J'shnerp? - Who's a sweet old lady now?
♪ 'Cause we all can ♪
♪ Learn about tolerance ♪
♪ Hey, what's that? ♪
♪ A real tall fence ♪
♪ Tolerance ♪
♪ Ding-dong diddly, ding-dong diddly ♪
♪ Ding-dong diddly, ding-dong do ♪
That's snake-sational!
- Good night, everybody! - Good night!