And this for a new high score.
Go on, my son. Aim and fire.
Oh! 135 points!
In your face!
One minute you're top of the world, the next minute you're nobody.
Maybe it's time to stop playing with your little balls and do something else.
Well, I can't stop now. I need to get back up that leader board.
There's a theatre festival starting next week.
You should get a bit of culture before your brain shrinks to the size of marbles.
Oh. We get loads of culture, thank you. When did you guys last see a show?
I watched a couple of dogs humping in the street the other day.
That's not really a show, Grumio. You say that. I were clapping.
Yeah! Maybe it's not your thing. Well, no, no, let me see.
'Some of Rome's most revered and uncompromising directors
present all of Aelius' tragedies.'
That'll be a barrel of laughs. Well, it'll be a barrel of...
art and adult sophistication, which is very much our thing.
180! I've got an 180! Ooh!
He's done it! He's only gone and fucking done it! Ha-ha! Ha-ha!
50 denarii a ticket? And that's sitting behind a pillar.
I'd prefer it, from behind the pillar, to be honest. I'll have to find something cheaper.
Do you think those dogs'd doing an encore? Stop! Stop right there!
That's him. isn't it? That's our Cupid.
Cherubic little face, body of a big, beautiful baby.
Wow. Yeah, he's uncanny. You what? No, I'm not.
I am Iona Ruffina, the actress/director/writer?
Cool job. I haven't finished.
/producer. For months I've been searching for a Cupid
for my upcoming production - The Bastard King.
Just when I'm about to give up the search and use a dummy,
what do I see, right in front of my own theatre?
The all-conquering god of love himself.
Me name's Grumio. Charmed.
And Sebastus, you will, of course, know. Hey. Call me Seb.
Oh, hi. I'm Stylax. This is Marcus. Great. I won't remember that.
Now if you'll excuse me buddies, I need to go stretch it out before rehearsals.
Now Grumio, my dear child,
would you consider playing the role? Ohh! No, you're all right.
Sounds like a right faff. Just consider it, for me?
For dear little old me? He did say no.
But if he would just consider it. I don't think he's capable of that.
It will be very well paid, of course. Just consider it, Grumio.
Oh, please do and we'll talk tomorrow. Until then, adieu.
Bless you.
Eggy bread. Nice. Uh-uh. Not before you agree to be in this play.
Bloody Hell! I haven't got time for a play, it'll get in the way of me housework.
No more than your napping and overall shitness does already.
Oh, come on, Grumio. Then we can hang out at the theatre. Did you see all the hotties there?
Only because of that actor guy. I could be an actor guy.
I can stretch and speak nicely and not remember people's names.
Come on, Grumio, it'll be a doddle. I promise.
Eggy bread, look.
Oh, this is too, too splendid.
Finally, we have an upgrade on the dummy. Don't speak too soon.
So, how much do you reckon you can pay him? Yes, I was thinking.
95 denarii? How does that sound?
Could we make it 100?
Hm. Your agent is a tough cookie, Grumio.
Very well, 100 it is.
Oh! We're going to go on such a journey, my little cherub.
As long as it's an easy journey. Oh, it's too easy.
You are the Deus ex machina, the god from the machine,
on stage for a mere moment
to soften the heart of the bastard king,
who's imposed a sex ban on his daughters. Oh, Wicked! Sounds amazing!
Oh, it is. It's quite wonderful. Can I be in it as well then?
I'd make a great king, or prince. There's no prince in the play.
A friend of the prince? No, there is no prince.
A general guy?
And it's all been cast, my dear. I just want to be involved any way I can.
I love the theatre, you see. Of course. Well, you could understudy Sebastus, if you like.
We do need someone for that. Yeah, great. What's the pay like?
There is no pay. Deal.
What! Really? Grumio's in a play?
Yeah, and I'm actually pretty tight with the director, Iona...
Iona Ruffina?
You know Iona Ruffina? Yeah, I... Do you know Iona Ruffina?
I know her work. I saw her Hecuba.
It was so powerful and so bloody.
Wow. The classic Iona combo.
We've actually been invited to a little soiree at her place, if you fancy meeting her?
Oh, maybe you're such an uncultured idiot after all.
Thank you.
Behold, for it is he, Cupid himself made flesh.
So, when do I use the bow and arrow? Oh, you don't actually use it, darling.
Oh, right. What about the wings? Can I use them? Are you asking if you can fly?
I suppose I am, yeah. Then no, you walk on, using your legs.
And that's lunch, people.
Right. I'll be in my dressing room.
Your food awaits you, Seb - steak, medium-rare with chips.
Yum!
Is my steak in my dressing room? Oh, you don't get a dressing room, darling, or a steak.
What food do I get, then? You get the food of encouragement,
and you're doing terribly well.
Hey, er, Seb? One moment.
Come!
Hey, Seb.
We met yesterday. Uh-ha. Could be.
Outside the theatre. I'm Stylax.
I meet a lot of people.
So I'm your new understudy.
Congrats, dude! That must be huge for you.
I should say, though, I've never missed a performance, so don't get any ideas.
Oh, no, that's fine. I'm only really interested in that type of thing.
Humping the fans, you know. Oh, buddy, you've got this all wrong.
Shit, sorry, I just assumed you were... No, I was.
I was humping her silly. I mean you've got it the wrong way round.
You can't have your pudding unless you eat your greens, can you?
You can if you're a grown-up. We're not grown-ups though, we're actors
and she wasn't in here because I'm any old ham, it's because I'm the lead
and that takes years of graft. I'm sorry to break it to you, buddy.
No. Sure. Nice coat, by the way. Oh, thank you. It's 100% yak.
Why should they get a dressing room and not me?
Dude, you barely get dressed, what would you even use it for?
To eat my steak in. That's what actors with proper agents get.
You're not a proper actor. I'm a god. I'm a godding god!
A god should get a dressing room. Or you can tell that fruity bint I'm walking.
Don't call Iona Ruffina a fruity bint, she's a major artist.
Not to mention a close, personal friend.
I'll ask about the steak, just leave it to me.
And I want a long, jazzy coat and all if him and Seb are getting one.
No, we don't get one. He got one and I bought a fake that looks similar.
It's an amazing coat to be fair. Thank you.
It's 15% yak.
Ah, ciao, Marcus.
Grumio and the understudy.
And you.
Who are you? Yes. Iona, this is my girlfriend, Delphine.
I'm a huge fan of your work.
Thank you, child. Too, too kind.
And may I ask 'et tu Gauloise?' Yes. You speak Gallic?
Tres petit peu.
I toured Gaul many moons ago.
Terrific audiences. Even better lovers.
Yes. Entre, entre.
We have wine, punch. Hm. Yes, I know, I...
I wonder, Iona, could we discuss Grumio's contract a sec?
What? Now? After rehearsals have begun? That's most irregular.
Just I know other actors get dressing rooms. And at a private soiree at the director's home?
Oh, dear me, no. And Seb gets a steak.
Seb is the star. Look, I'll see if there's a box room he can have.
Take that now or make me angry.
And the steak? You know what divas these actors can be.
Only when their agents indulge them. Very Well. A small room and a small steak.
No chips.
Hey, Seb. How's it going?
Stylax. Your understudy.
Oh, that's my coat. You've bought my coat.
Yeah, I figured as your understudy, I should cover all the bases.
And that's great, buddy, I respect that, but that is my coat.
It's fake, but yeah. Hm. Don't buy my shoes.
I won't. I promise.
Seb. Ah.
I've been collecting these for aeons.
This one's from Turkey.
Look. I took my Hecuba there.
I saw that production. That was so powerful. And so bloody, as I recall.
Well, it was a call to arms,
for we women, to defy the male oppressors
and seize our independence politically, financially, sexually.
You must savour your freedom, child.
At your age, I was travelling the world,
experiencing a kaleidoscope of cultures and orgasms.
That's what really made me who I am.
Er, shall we get a drink, Delphine? No, no.
Darling, have you been to Tingitana?
I've only ever been to Gaul and Rome.
Go. Drop everything and go.
The men are vast.
This statue is absolutely to scale.
Ha-ha! Good stuff. Let's go get that drink.
And the hammams are too, too divine.
What's a hammam?
Bless the child. What is a hammam?
Tomorrow, I shall take you to mine.
There's a masseur there by the name of Abu who will open you up.
This party's jizz, innit? They ran out of chicken drummers ages ago.
I'm starting to think the acting's jizz as well.
Unless you're the star you're basically just scenery. Quick game of marbles?
Big time. You know where you stand with marbles.
Swing by my dressing room if you'd like to have sex with me.
Oh, Sebastus. Buddy.
Oh, my foot! Oh, my lovely foot!
Holy jove! What happened, Seb?
I slipped on something, it must've been this...
..bauble. You're drunk. Alas, what am I to do?
No, I'm fine, I'm absolutely... Oh!
My leg's broken. Oh!
The understudy.
Thank the gods we have an understudy!
Welcome aboard, darling.
Hoo! Being a king's the best, man. I get to wear a big metal hat and everything.
You know you have to learn lines. Yeah. I'll be fine.
It's a bloody nightmare. And I've only got one. One? You can't learn one line?
I know it now, it's like, 'Shut your mouth, for the love of God!'
'Open your heart for the god of love.' See? It's murder. I should be paid more.
Oh. Don't start that again. I got you a steak, didn't I?
Well done. Thank you.
No, the steak. I want it well done. Speak to Iona.
Yeah, speaking to Iona is what got me in shit last night.
That's why she introduced Delphine to a range of international dildos.
No, no. Iona would've done that anyway. That's just what she's like.
And tell her I want to fly. You see what I'm dealing with?
In the show! My character wouldn't just plod on stage like some shitty mortal.
It should fly on. On a winch.
A winch!? That's not your character. That's just you being lazy.
Get me a winch or I walk. Well! Those are the two options.
And a cream bun. For your character or for you?
Both of us, actually.
Behold, I am your... What was it again?
King. Yeah, I am your king and...
If. And if...
Just if. And just if.
No, no, it's just if. Ok, yeah. I'll start again. Behold...
Oh, this is taking too long. Seb! Seb? Oh, is he here?
I need you to get Stylax up to speed.
It's the least you can do since it was your drunken lechery that landed us in this mess.
Now chop, chop.
Behold, I am your king!
If you cross me I will crush you!
Woah. That's really good, man. I know.
Shame no-one's going to hear it. Yeah, that is harsh.
Sorry, are you guys in the play?
Hi. Yeah, I am. I'm the king. Not now, please, hon.
We've got some serious acting work to do here. Well, have we?
Look, dude, you're bad, really bad,
so we need to knuckle down to get you ready. No more distractions.
Behold!
I just wanted to say what an honour it is to work with someone
of your experience and artistry. Of course.
And we're new to this industry, so if at any point I offended you I am truly sorry
and as a token of goodwill I'd like to revert back to Grumio's original deal.
Bless you, that's too, too decent of you, Marcus.
And in exchange, could you maybe not
suggest to Delphine that she, you know...
No, I'm afraid I don't know.
Well, I guess, sleep around?
I beg your pardon? It's just she's my girlfriend
so obviously I'd prefer it if you didn't encourage her to have sex with Turks.
She's not your property, young man, and neither am I.
No, I know.
I will not be censored by you or jove himself.
I'm an artist and I speak from the heart. Right. OK.
Well, in that case, I think it's best from now on that you keep away from Delphine.
Absolutely not. I've already made the booking of the hammam.
Or I might have to pull my client out of your show. Careful, young man,
you've not got what it takes to play hard ball with me.
Well, I've got the hardest balls you've ever...felt, so try me.
Now? Little bit longer.
You're the boss.
Salve, Grumio. All right, Landlord?
Haven't seen you around here for a while.
Been starring in a play. Well, with your natural flamboyance,
it was only a matter of time.
Yeah, except me crappy agent's not getting me what I want.
That's showbiz for you. That'll do, Davis.
What's his problem, then? Won't pay his rent.
Reckon he will now, though.
Delphine. Hey. What's going on?
Ciao, Marcus. We've just been to the hammam.
Abu was incredible. Right.
And what about our chat? Have you forgotten that, maybe?
There's no need to mince your words.
I told Delphine what you said. You... Oh, God.
And you can't stop me from seeing people, Marcus.
I'm not your little pet mouse who only gets let out of the cage when her owner says so.
I know. It's not like that. You can leave the cage whenever.
Ahh, but there is still a cage. And there, obviously, is no cage.
I'm sorry. I was worried she's pushing us apart. Maybe that's for the best.
Why? What do you mean? Iona's asked me to go to Turkey with her.
I'm going to be her PA. Turkey? That's bloody miles away.
Don't worry, she'll be taken care of.
The gentlemen there are very generous.
Well, you can forget about your Cupid then, you thespy shitbag.
Oh, really. Yeah. Dust off that dummy because Grumio is out.
Interesting. That's certainly not what his new agent's been saying.
Oi! What do you think you're doing?
Now, don't get mardy. Who is it? Who's your new agent?
Salve, Marcus. Don't raise your voice at my client, please.
You've got to be kidding me. He's a very strong negotiator.
He's already got me me winch. And his fee up front.
You'll always be me first agent, Marcus, I'll never forget you,
but I needed someone hungrier. I'm hungry, Grumio. I'm bloody starving.
'Cause my primadonna twat of a slave won't cook me dinner.
Here's your 10%. Er, I thought it were you that got the 10%.
Hm. Don't think so.
Oh, the rent's due.
Oh, it chafes a bit. It chafes. The winch is chafing my client.
Get him a cushion. A once kind king and now a fool...
Delphine's going to Turkey on a six-month tour with the largest penises.
To my kin become so cruel. To my kin become so cruel.
I've lost her. I don't know what to do. I've lost her. I don't know what to do.
No, that's not your line. You say, "Spurned the love of my fair queen."
Spurned the love of my fair queen. So what do I do about Delhpine?
No, that's not a line. Stop rhyming with me then.
Listen to me, then.
What do I do about Delphine going to Turkey? I need a bloody miracle.
So, pray to the gods, then, I guess. Now test me, please.
A once kind king and now a fool to my kin become so cruel.
Spurned the love of my fair queen with violent rage and words obscene.
Oh, Cupid, come down from above and soften this hard heart with love.
I think, my friend, you know it. Yes!
Behold, I am your king! Nice one, Your Majesty.
I am so proud of you, buddy.
I wont lie, there were times when I thought you were a workshy boob
who only cared about girls and coats.
No offence. None taken.
But you have really knuckled down and risen to the challenge.
I couldn't have done it without you. Well, of course. It's mostly me,
but you played your part, Ajax.
Ajax?
Do you still not know my name? No, but I like you,
whoever you are. Now you get out there
and you show those disappointed people who bought tickets to see me
that you're here instead. And you're not as good, obviously,
but not bad. I'll do my best.
I'll be watching from the wings.
Break a leg, brother. You, too.
Oh, er, Seb, I think you've got my coat!
Oh, hey. Hey.
I'm actually on stage in five minutes, so... Five minutes is fine.
Sorry I tried to control you. I get it, Marcus.
You thought if I went away we'd break up. Basically, yes...
and I really don't want that. I know. I don't want that, either.
Great. So you won't go to Turkey then? No, I'm still going.
I'll just try not to sleep with other people. How hard will you try?
Do you mind?
This isn't 100% yak.
I'm coming.
Ladies and gentlemen, forgive us for this somewhat false start.
We have an understudy taking the part of the king.
And I can only imagine that his nerves are getting the better of him.
It was you. You're the one who baubled me.
Behold, I am your...argh!
Oh... Bloody hell!
Fear not, stay in your seats.
Gardy gordy... The show must go on!
Fuck!
Well, that went quite badly.
Apparently, first nights always do.
But even so, shooting the director's a real no-no. Tell me about it!
Me agent's dropped me. It's not all bad, though. I'm guessing Turkey's off.
It is. The humid bathrooms and vast penises will have to wait.
And in a way it was a classic Iona production,
powerful and bloody. Sure.
Let's never go back to the theatre again, eh? Steak for Grumio! Well done.
Oh. Might just pop back one last time.
There you go, sir.