Gentlemen, welcome to my universe.
- Whoa! - Oh, holy shit.
It's a feast for the eyes
and a veritable buffet for the dick.
Oh, good. My dick is starving.
So get into it
'cause tonight, you're my guests here.
Enjoy some women, do some drugs.
Nothing's off-limits.
So, hey, man, have you been able
to talk to ghosts your whole life
- or is it like a... - Except for that.
We don't talk about that in public.
Oh, yeah, right. No, me neither.
- That's... that's gross. - Come on, man! Don't be weird!
- I'm being totally weird. - So, Danny,
now, I've been following you for a long time,
uh, not stalking you, obviously,
but following you on Instagram, and, uh,
I've noticed that all of these parties
have orgies taking place.
Do you know, kind of, when that tends to happen or...
Orgies, uh, are like an avalanche.
You can't force them.
You just gotta let them happen naturally.
Although... hang on, they...
they do make avalanches happen, right?
They light the dynamite and throw it off the helicopter.
Hey, man, could you take your shoes off?
- Yeah! I'm so sorry. - Oh, shit...
Nah, you're cool, man.
- Just this little bitch. - Hey, Danny.
Oh, excuse me, gentlemen.
I gotta let these ladies use my dick as a coke mirror.
- Sure, sure, sure. - But enjoy yourself.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
Thank you, Danny Poker!
Man, I can't fucking believe we're at a Danny Poker party.
I know, I know, right?
It is, uh... it's very arousing.
Hey. Really, dude?
- Come on. - Don't listen to him.
He doesn't see what I see, sweet stuff.
You caught my eye from across the room.
I want you in my mouth.
I'm ready, are you? Shit!
Ah, what happened to the chocolate?
Don't worry. Just a blown fuse.
Don't let your pussies dry up.
- Synced and corrected by hawken45 - - www.addic7ed.com -
Get out.
- Suck face in the toilet. - Yeah, go suck toilet.
What were you two even doing in here?
What was... what was going on?
You saw that piece-of-shit ghost, right?
Yeah, I did. But are you testing me
or are we allowed to talk about ghosts now?
That guy shows up at all my parties,
turns off all the goddamn electricity
like some sort of retarded Thomas Edison.
Fucking ghosts, right?
I mean, you can't live with them
'cause technically they're not alive,
and I could totally live without them,
so I guess I don't really have a point.
I mean, how am I gonna bounce that guy, right?
I mean, if anybody sees me talking to a ghost,
like, they're gonna know why I'm so good at cards.
- Yeah, that would suck. - Yeah.
Well, you know, I could talk to him.
- Seriously? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Getting rid of ghosts is kind of my thing.
Whoo! Yes.
Hey-o!
Hello, my name is Pac. Yes, I can see you.
Unfortunately, this is a private event,
so I'm gonna have to politely ask you to get the fuck out.
I'd be more than happy to leave this Sodom and Gomorrah.
- Good. - Just as long as he leaves, too.
That is my son Elijah.
He left for Rumspringa about a year ago
and now it is time for him
to come back to the Amish community.
Okay, what if he doesn't want to?
He does.
You see, I have six daughters.
- Wow. - Elijah is my only son.
He's the family's only hope to continue the bloodline.
He just needs a friendly reminder.
That's where I come in.
All right, consider it done.
- You can go. - How can I "consider it done"
if you haven't done it yet?
No, no, I mean it... I'm going to do it.
- It's as good as done. - I'll just wait until you do it.
Dude, it's a fucking figment of speech.
- Will you get on with it? - Oh, my God!
Yes, I will.
Hey, Elijah? Got some coke there, huh?
- Yeah, man. - Okay, my name is Pac
and I'm a medium.
And the ghost of your father is here.
He wants you to put an end to all this
and wrap up your Ramstinger.
- Rumspringa. - Roomstinger.
- My dad's really here? - Yes, really.
He's standing right here with us.
Fuck you, Dad!
No, uh, he's actually over here.
Fuck you, Dad!
This is the life I want to lead!
Not... not that life of cow shit!
Tell him that Hannah's husband has died.
- Who's Hannah? - Wait, Hannah?
- What about Hannah? - As children,
they played double Dutch every night after dinner.
- That's sweet. - She grew
to be a full-bodied, sturdy woman...
- Mm. - with long hair
and strong legs and good milking hands.
Yeah, I can see why anyone would like that.
All the other men in the village are married off.
He'd literally be the only one left she could marry.
- What's he saying? - Uh, he's saying
that Hannah's husband dropped dead.
- R-really? - Really. If you go back now,
all the fresh milk you can handle.
- Fine. - Excellent. Good. Yeah.
Okay, and now you can consider it done
and go into your light. Is it this one?
I don't trust Elijah will make it
out of this devil's playground on his own.
What are you talking about? He's fine. Look at him.
You must escort him home.
Come on, man! You're ruining my night!
All I wanna do is have my way with that chocolate fountain
for a few half hours!
Okay, fuck. Fine, fine. Yes, I'll go.
Wait for me, my sweet.
You've got this, man.
Now, I know chicks can be intimidating,
but you just gotta be aggressive, bro.
Chicks love aggression!
Are you equipped to give dating advice?
No, not really.
Ooh, I'm starving. Are we gonna eat?
- Hey, guys. - Elijah!
- Ta-da! - Hi, guys.
- The "prodigidal" son returns. - Hi.
Not me... him. Big huggers, huh?
- That's nice. - Hi.
Super sweet, but I got a big party to get back to,
so let's wrap it up.
- Last one. - Hi!
- Um, guys, this is Pac. - Hello.
He's from a West Coast community.
Hi.
He... he rides the short wagon around town.
Ah.
Hold on a second, did you just introduce me as retarded?
Did you? Um...
- Hi. - Who the fuck is that?
- Elijah, language! - Sorry.
I'm still cleansing the mouth palate.
- Who is that? - Oh, that's
Jebediah Klopfenstein,
a recent transfer from a community in Pennsylvania.
- Shit. - Hannah seems to like him.
What's not to like?
He's a paragon of Amish culture,
pure as the day is long.
Never even taken a Rumspringa.
- That's fucking insane! - Elijah!
Sorry.
I thought my dumb dad said
she wouldn't have any fucking suitors.
- Well, he did. - I can't compete
with Amish Seann William Scott.
Oh, yeah. Nailed it.
Hey, listen, listen, listen to me.
Okay, so he's a bona fide bohunk times 10.
Okay, so what? So are we, right?
Plus, think about your odds. They're still pretty good.
There's only one other guy and he's a fucking transfer.
You were her double Dutch partner, man.
Come on, show her the ropes.
Show her the ropes, jump her in.
- Yeah. - Yeah!
Come on! Let's go.
- Come on. - All right.
Hey, hey, get the fuck out there.
Come on, go. Go, go, go, go.
Fuck!
Just wipe it off casually, man.
Just... this doesn't need to be a disaster.
- Yes. - Okay.
Bailamos.
- Hi. Hi, Hannah. - Elijah!
Oh, it's been so long!
Yes! Um, may I have this dance?
Um, actually...
Bring her back. Bring her back to her childhood, yeah!
Amish Style.
Fuck!
Hey, you ladies ever been with an Indian Jew before?
Eh, your loss.
Excuse me, ladies.
You wanna do a group shot here
and get the group party started, if you know what I mean?
- I don't know what you mean. - All right, well,
why don't I start the avalanche?
Pour whatever kind of booze you wanna drink in there
and I'll swallow whatever it is you give me.
Uh-oh! Oh, no!
My tongue is stuck. Aw, man!
Hey, can one of you just lick right here?
Kind of get it loose. If you both do it,
it will happen a lot quicker.
- N-no? - Perv.
Don't leave me here... ow, my tongue!
Ah, fuck. I thought that was gonna work.
Damn it!
Pac, come on, man! You had to call now?
I was about to get an orgy started
with, like, so many chicks.
Oh, that's so many rad, Clyde.
Listen, I need you to find everything you can
about a guy named Jebediah Klopfenstein.
He's a legit hunk-asaurus,
so maybe type that into your search.
Does that have anything to do with a ghost case?
Yeah, of course it's for the ghost case, man.
I'm just... I'm trying to get back to the party, okay?
Bro, you've gotta get a smartphone, okay?
You need to be able to look that stuff up yourself.
I know. I just... I like my flip phone.
It makes hanging up feel more urgent, you know?
- Hey. - Hey, man.
At least we tried.
I just don't belong here.
What? No, no, no, no. No, no, Elijah.
I don't know. You can't give up, okay?
And not just because I wanna go eat a chocolate fountain,
but because, I gotta tell you,
there's something fishy about that Jebediah guy.
- What do you mean? - What do I mean?
Didn't your sister say he never went
on his Ramstein or whatever?
- Yeah. - So how the fuck
could he possibly know that dance?
Am I right?
- He's a fucking phony! - He's a fucking phony!
Okay, even if that's true, how do we prove it?
Dude, I can't be the retard and the mastermind, okay?
- It's too much for me to handle. - There's only one way.
- Your father says there's only... - That asshole's still here?
Yeah, that asshole is still here.
Fuck you, Dad!
No, he... he's actually over here.
- Whatever. - No, not "whatever," okay?
His unfinished business is you.
He's not going anywhere because you are
the most important fucking thing to him.
He never said that to me.
Well, he's trying to right now
in a really weird, roundabout way.
So why don't we hear the clingy old fucker out?
- All right. - Yeah?
Does he have a white glove?
Jebediah Klopfenstein!
I challenge you to an Amish-Off!
Bitch.
- What was that? - Um, nothing.
Because I am the most bearded Amish man in this community,
it is my duty and honor
to judge the age-old tradition,
the Amish-Off.
My beard is longer.
I should be judging this Amish-Off
and you know it.
Ooh, intense.
Well, now that that is settled,
we may commence with the competition.
Two men enter,
two men leave,
but one man will feel a little bad about himself
and be less impressive to the opposite sex.
So, without further ado,
one, two, three,
- Amish-Off! - Yeah!
Elijah, Elijah, Elijah!
Elijah!
Go!
Come on!
Put your body weight into it.
- Kill him! - Time's up.
Unh!
Whoo!
Time's up.
Go!
How hard is it to peel a potato, man?
Noink.
Come on!
- Come on, peel. - Time's up.
- Hey. - You know that
Jebediah Klopfenstein you were asking me about?
- Yeah. - Well, turns out
Jebediah Klopfenstein's not even his real name.
His real name is Jedediah Klopfenstein.
I didn't hear any difference there, so...
Jedediah. There's a "D" in there.
He created this alias so he can throw his "D"
all over the Amish community.
Yes, Clyde! You just cracked the whole case wide open, man.
Text me everything you have on him.
Will do.
So, uh, on another note, how is the party going?
Uh, I assume by that you mean how's your chocolate fountain?
Indeed, I do.
- Still flowing. - Uh, yes.
I knew it would be, Clyde. I just... I knew it would be.
Okay, bye.
Something else is flowing right here.
Dude, dude, what are you doing?
This is my wife.
- Cool. - No, no, no, no, no, no.
Could you go away from us, please?
All right. Geez, sorry.
I thought the avalanche was starting.
Time's up.
Ah, fuck it!
- You win. - Whoo!
Yeah!
- Ooh! - Ooh!
You're so crazy!
What is that sound?
I, uh, haven't a clue.
Appears to be coming
- from your pocket. - Hannah!
That's not mine!
Oh, no?
Oh, shit!
I just popped my suspenders.
That's funny...
because I just dialed the number
of one Jedediah Klopfenstein.
- Bam! - See, that's not me.
That's got a "D" in it.
Yeah, well, the "D" is in your mouth now, buddy.
The jig is up.
That's right, everybody.
I'm not West Coast Amish.
I'm also not retarded.
I wanted to clear that up earlier,
but I wanted to find the right time.
I'm just a regular guy who talks to ghosts
who happens to have just saved the purity of your bloodline.
Uh, wait. You talk to ghosts?
Yeah, that's not important.
It's... shit. It's a force of habit.
I'm sorry. I'm always explaining that shit.
Just forget about that part. All you need to know
is that with my technological savvy
and Elijah's bravery,
we just saved sweet Hannah
from this despicable piece-of-shit predator.
Noink. This yuck-mouthed, dancing,
douchebag imposter
goes all across the country infiltrating Amish communities,
tricking girl after girl
after girl after girl.
Holy shit, how many hot Amish girls are there?
You bang all these chicks?
- Should I become Amish? - Pac!
Huh? Yeah, look. Here, see for yourself.
- Unh! - Ooh...
ew!
Take him away.
Gently, of course.
We don't believe in violence.
So, um,
would you get a cider with me?
I thought you'd never ask.
- Thank you... - Hey.
- For your help, Pac. - Yeah, don't worry about it.
- You can just... you can go. - Yeah, yeah, will do.
What's going on? What... why are you still here?
- Just leave already! - I don't know.
- Something's wrong. - Elijah and Hannah
have stolen a carriage!
Oh, shit. I know exactly where they're going.
- Vegas. - What?
They asked if the horse had enough hay in him
to make it to Manhattan!
Well, that was my next guess.
Hey, ladies.
- Hey, handsome head. - Hello.
You wanna find a bedroom with me?
- Interesting. - Mm.
For one-on-one sex?
- Yeah. - How old-fashioned.
Whoa! Um, I'm not complaining,
but that was a little violent.
Oh.
You're making me your little prisoner, huh?
- Mm-hmm. - I like that.
Waterboard me. Just kidding.
- Seriously, don't waterboard me. - Okay.
Don't stop. I really like this.
I really do.
What the fuck?! Oh, fuck!
Fuck, I can't even see!
I mean, I guess I can. I just... I don't wanna open my eyes!
Fuck.
Okay. Wait, a little more.
Dude, I'm fucking
handling this, okay?
You gotta vanish.
My new friend can't see you here.
- Get out. Get out of here. - Aw!
All right, fine!
Dude! Dude, what the hell?
You got what you wanted. You got the dream girl, right?
You got high standing in your fucking community or whatever.
What... what are you doing here?
- Dude, this was all her. - Oh, it was all her?
You expect me to believe that shit?
When Elijah told me of the wonders he saw in the world,
I realized I can't settle down without experiencing Rumspringa.
- Ugh. - I don't want her
to have any regrets after we're married.
So you brought her here? Dude, this is where regrets come
to get fucking pregnant, okay?
You gotta hit that blunt once or twice,
take her home, get out of here.
- No, we're going home. - Good. Fucking great.
- Go now. - As soon as we experience
the life-altering event
that everyone around here keeps talking about
called, um, Danny's Poker Orgy.
Oh, God, I hate that idea so hard.
- Sounds exciting! - No, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah.
No. Come on, man, you can't be cool with this!
Dude, I'm sorry, Pac. I...
I think we'll look back on this someday and laugh.
- I don't think so. - Pac, no! Stop them!
I'm trying! They're so horny
and young.
Nice shot, Josh!
- You ready to go home? - Yep.
- Okay. - Good choice, good choice.
- Yeah, yeah. Skedaddle. - Come, Hannah.
Okay!
There. Well, looks like your son
is officially done with his Rimjobba.
I wanna thank you for all your help today, Pac.
You know, I hope you learned something today
about the Amish people.
We're not just ring bologna...
Oh, my God, shut your face! Shut up your face
and just fucking leave already, okay?
I didn't learn anything. I never do.
I just wanted to try the goddamn chocolate fountain!
Hey, anybody got
a larger-than-an-eight-gauge butt plug?
Oh, I can't wait to get out of this den of iniquity!
Oh!
It's what I do.
Thank you.
Ah, fuck!
Hey, guy!
Let's keep the fountain for another hour
for my brother.
Now, this is the room where the magic happens.
But when I'm not doing card tricks,
I like to have orgies in here.
- Oh, hello, ladies. - Oh.
Toss me a towel. Should be fun.
You know what? Let's, uh...
let's use the backup orgy room, all right?
Come back, come back, come back, come back!
It's really not as bad as it looks, I promise.
- Avalanche. - Fuck you!
Amish Style!
- Synced and corrected by hawken45 - - www.addic7ed.com -