GRUMIO: Excuse me, we're looking for the deli counter.
WOMAN: Certainly. Turn left at Lighting
and it's just past Ladies' Wear.
GRUMIO: Nice one, ta.
Ah, we should leave. People are giving us some pretty dirty looks.
Nah, we fit right in, man.
I mean, sure, we might not be cash-rich, but it's obvious we're classy guys.
Here we go, the tasting counter. Get stuck in, it's free.
Yeah, really classy.
If you load up, you can taste a full meal.
Can I help you, gentlemen?
Yeah, we're just browsing, thanks.
And eating.
I'm browsing with me mouth.
We're just having a little taste, you know? Try before you buy?
And are you planning to buy that chicken leg?
Probably not now, to be honest.
We're really sorry about this.
No, we're not. This is totally legit.
For all this guy knows, we could be mega-minted poshos in disguise.
- It would be a superb disguise. - Cheers.
Now, take us to the bed section, my good man.
I want to try one of them for a bit.
Mmm-hmm. Security!
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
Ah. This chair is like a torture device.
I've asked Flavia for one with back support so many times.
At least you get a chair. I have to stand still all day.
Yeah, do you think you stand a bit stiller?
It's hard to score if you keep jiggling.
No, I don't want you to score.
Come on, getting balls in your jug is the only fun part of my day.
- Ah! Stop it. - All right, calm down.
- I don't want them in my jug. - All right, open your mouth, then.
- What? No. - Give him something to aim at.
I don't want your bloody balls in my mouth!
Well, might shut you up for once, water boy.
Yes, sorry. He's been trying to get balls in my jug all day.
- I don't care. - Paper balls, that is.
- Stop talking. - Water man.
Boys! I'd like to introduce you to Ramases.
He's here on work experience.
Hey, you guys. Cool office.
FLAVIA: I'm giving him a little tour of the company,
starting with the talking turds in the copy room and working our way up.
We should press on before we catch worms.
Could I maybe stay and play the jug game for a bit, please?
No, no, we're going to the grain store, so chop-chop.
Ooh, and have you thought about my request for a chair with back support?
I have, and if the problem persists I will take steps...
Because I really think it will.
...to hire a copier with a stronger back.
Right. I'm sure I'll manage, then.
Good-o.
It's so bloody demeaning.
Even that gimpy work-experience kid gets treated better than us.
Oh, you can say that again.
He's got a sedan chair, look!
Hup!
Oi, Ramases. It's Stylax and Marcus, the talking turds.
Oh, hey, guys.
Is this sedan chair yours?
It's my dad's, actually. I sort of crashed my one taking it off-road.
Holy shit!
I know, it was really stupid and I've learnt my lesson.
My dad's one's way bigger, though, if you guys need a lift?
All right. Who's the flat-top?
This is Ramases. He's Egyptian.
Oh, right, yeah. Them the ones with the pointy houses?
Pyramids, yeah, and please, guys, you can call me Rambo.
I said Rambo could join us for dinner tonight, if that's all right, Grumio?
Fine, yeah. There is no dinner.
Right. First-class slaving.
Hey, it's cool. I've got my dad's charge card for the Emporium
if you wanna run and grab some stuff.
Wicked. I mean, I'd rather not run, but...
So take the sedan, if you like.
Yeah, I do like.
(SOFTLY) Excuse me.
No. No, no, no, no, no, not you again.
Go on, shoo. Hop it. I will not allow you to ravage our luxury foods.
Mmm, how about I buy 'em, then?
"Ptolemy Ahmenenhet"?
Is the name of my master, yes.
He sent me to fetch his scran.
And I am absolutely delighted you chose us, sir.
Pray tell what your master is craving and I will do my utmost to help.
I thought you might. Well, he mainly likes meat.
Lovely. Shall I fetch a basket?
Get a trolley, I would.
I thought I'd cover all the major food groups.
I'm so sorry about this, Rambo.
It's cool, man. It's Dad's money. He won't even notice.
(CHUCKLES) You ever had mice?
We have, but more as an infestation than a delicacy.
So is Daddy properly loaded?
Uh, yeah, I guess so.
He owns, like, a shipping company
and a sawmill thing and a marble whatever it's called. Hole?
- Quarry? - (LAUGHS) Yeah.
And the grain company.
The grain company that we work for? He owns that?
Yeah. Well, I actually own it now. He kind of gave it to me.
- Boom! Well done, Rambo. - Well, sort of.
I'd much rather be working at the shipping place, to be honest,
but I sort of burnt my boats there after the, erm...
Fire. So Dad moved me to grain, which is obviously super lame.
(LAUGHS) But at least I met you guys.
Nice mice.
The spoilt brat has the whole company.
When I was his age, I didn't even have pubes.
Really? You said he was 16.
Yeah, I was a late starter.
The point is, this kid can force Flavia to get me a new chair
and fix the bogs, and oil that very squeaky door.
And lower the price of grain.
Er... Yeah, maybe. I mean...
People are starving, Marcus. I haven't eaten bread for weeks.
I thought you were on a wheat-free diet.
Not by choice, dickhead. I can't afford it.
The grain companies are fucking us in the arse here
and then expecting us to swallow it.
Oh yeah, that does sound bad.
It's a disgrace, and a little more urgent than a squeaky door.
Well, you haven't heard it. It's like...
(HIGH-PITCHED GROANING)
But yeah, ending starvation.
I'll add that to the list.
Salve, Grumio.
All right, Landlord?
Obvious question, why are you licking a bag?
Oh yeah. I got in a load of posh nosh last night, didn't I?
The bag's still got salami juice on it.
Oh right, lovely, lovely.
Do you fancy a dab?
Er, no, I'll leave it for now, thanks.
Oh, no, I've still got Rambo's card.
Oh, yes, I've still got Rambo's chuffing card!
Oh, yeah, my master'll like that.
Your master must be quite the foodie, sir.
Oh, he's one of the foodiest fellas you'll ever meet.
So what else is good here, then?
Ah, now, we are famed for our seafood.
Your what? "Seafood"? What's seafood?
Fruits de mer, sir. Cockles, whelks, crabs, mussels.
What, them shiny pebbles? That's food, is it?
They are something of a delicacy, sir.
Right. Well, bung 'em in the bag, then.
Mmm-hmm.
And give me one of them pies with legs.
Oh.
- No, no. - (STYLAX EXCLAIMS)
Oh, keep still.
No, you're not even supposed to be in here.
So two points for straight in?
Yeah, wicked, and one point if it goes in off the backboard.
"Backboard"? Do you mean me?
So what we calling this game, then?
How about Get the Ball in the Jug? Or Super Juggy Throw Throw? Or...
- Jugball? - Yes!
Jugball. You're a genius.
Yeah, we should play every day.
You could make it company policy. Come on.
(LAUGHS) All right, yeah. Brilliant.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That would be brilliant.
In fact, there are loads of cool changes you could make now you're in charge, Rambo.
We could have, I don't know, comfy chairs, working toilets, non-squeak doors.
What do you mean, "in charge"?
And if you lower the price of grain, people will buy more.
Whoa! Steady on, Professor.
I don't get any of that business-y shit. I said I'd leave all that to Flavia.
He's just a dickless intern.
Flavia is out of touch.
She just sits in her office getting her nails done
while the staff get bad backs and blocked-up bogs.
I'm sorry, Prof, I promised my dad I wouldn't rock the boat.
I did that at the shipping company and three people drowned.
I should just keep my head down.
Sorry, do you own the company?
Big time.
Right. Well, in that case, I will keep my jug still and I'm sorry for calling you dickless.
Yes! Congratulations, boss. Great throw.
Mmm. Oh, yeah.
(SCREAMS, GRUNTS)
- From downtown, for five points. - Interception!
- Turnover. - Interception? Since when?
Just now. He shoots...
- Oh. - He scores!
That's eight-all. New ball, please, Prof.
Uh-huh, coming up.
Hey, we should make it doubles,
then we'd have someone to pass to and high-five and stuff.
- Yes! Love it. - Yeah.
Let's choose teammates.
Who's sporty in here? Everyone, who's good at sport?
No! Whatever it is that's happening out here, no.
And why is water boy strapped to a column?
"Water man". But, yes, I completely agree.
We're playing jugball.
As I say, no. You're going to the legal department where I put you.
Oh, come on, it's eight-all.
Oh, I'm sorry that this massive grain company is getting in the way
of your cretinous game, shredder.
It's not cretinous, it's brilliant,
and if you actually cared about this company,
you'd give people squeakier chairs and lower the price of toilets or whatever.
Right, guys?
Yeah! Well, something like that.
Okay. Well, clearly someone's a little bit tired,
so let's go and get a nice glass of milk.
I'm not tired, you're tired. You're tired and you're fired.
(ALL GASPING)
Excuse me? You're firing me?
That's right, Flave.
It is time to make way for a guy who knows what's really needed round here.
Ha! You don't even know how to wipe your own bottom.
Not me, the Professor.
He's got ideas. Big ones. Isn't that right, Prof?
Damn right, Rambo.
I see. In two days, you'll be begging me to come back.
Yeah? In two days, you'll be begging us for change! On the streets!
(LAUGHS) Oh! Yes, Prof. Rinse her!
(DOOR SQUEAKING)
Right, let's go jugball. Everyone has to watch.
Ooh.
Now, that's a good chair.
GRUMIO: Ah.
(GROANING)
(GROANING INTENSIFIES)
Me tooth's all hurty.
That's one of me best ones and all.
Maybe it's a wisdom tooth.
Unlikely Grumio would have any of them.
(CHUCKLES) Why are you dressed like an adult?
Because I'm a big cheese now, baby, and don't you forget it.
Well, don't you forget to lower the price of the grain, then.
Yes, yes, on my list. Below fixing the loos but above the squeaky door.
- You, we've gots to go. - (EXCLAIMS)
(CLEARING THROAT)
Good morning, everyone. My name is Marcus Gallo,
I'm the new head of HR,
and under my watch this company is going to look after everyone,
from the brainy boffins in accounts
all the way down to Lina the cleaner, starting today.
Oh, yeah, also starting today, guys, there's a big jugball tournament
right here on the jugball court,
so please come and watch Stylax and his teammate take on me and Urbo.
Whoa, where'd you get him from?
He works in finance, I think.
For Jove's sake, he's like a tree.
Yeah, hence why he moved me up here.
What? You can't change the rules just 'cause you've found a tree man.
You have to check with me first.
No I don't, it's my sport. I invented it.
I've been playing it for ages. It's my sport.
Sorry, is this still the meeting?
No, that's... Ignore that.
Basically, my point was, hello, I'm Marcus,
I'm gonna do some really good stuff around here for you, so...
Like what?
Like, well, give you comfier chairs and unblock the toilets and oil that squeaky door.
Oh. Thank you.
Yes, exactly.
For too long, this company has put profits above people.
- Yeah. - So if there's anything you need,
at any point, just ask and I will deliver.
Thank you very much.
Can I go and find a big man for my jugball side, please?
Yep. Not exactly what I had in mind, but yeah, okay, fine.
- Wicked, thanks. - (LAUGHS) Go on, then.
It's terrible. I can't eat anything.
You don't know any dentists, do you?
Well, Davus here could extract the bad tooth if you want.
What? Really? Is he a dentist, then?
Yeah. Well, he's a dent-ish, in as much as he's got a hammer.
- Davus. - Yep?
Smash out Grumio's bad tooth, will you?
Of course, boss. I'll just give this a little wipe.
Oh, very good. Very medical.
All right, fella, just lean back for me there.
Do you not want to know which tooth it is first?
Yeah, go on then, mate.
It's that wonky one there.
Right, well, sort of aim in that ballpark.
Right, stay still for me.
Ah, I might leave it, actually.
Yeah, that's probably for the best.
Yeah.
Ah, I don't like it!
Everyone's loving it under the new boss-man.
I've heard several people call you "nice" and one woman even say "fairly hot."
Well, if you listen to what people need, they will thank you for it.
Yeah. Thanks for letting me get my new partner, by the way, Big Paulus.
Oh, he's good, isn't he?
Well, he's tall, yeah.
Which is what's it all about now we've raised the jug
and swapped the papyrus for apples and stuff.
Bitey, bitey, eyes shut tight-y.
Oh, my Jove!
Ah, where did you get him from?
I just saw him guarding the grain store and I was like,
"Yes, please, big boy, you're coming with me," and I'm killing Rambo thanks to you.
Well, you are welcome.
Hang on a second, so who's guarding the grain store now?
Oh, yeah, no... No one.
Oh, shit. Stop!
Stop! Stop it! Ah!
Oi! Oi!
Ah!
Well, well, well, the Professor.
What brings you out here, then?
Oh, just concluding, you know, a big sale.
Pleasure doing business with you!
Uh-huh. How much did they steal?
Not much. A bit, yeah. Quite a lot, actually.
It's fine, though, I can handle it.
'Course you can.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I've just bought darling little Rex here
and I've got a busy day of stroking ahead of me.
Yeah. Erm... Out of interest, what would you do if you were me?
Some kind of nose job, I imagine.
(LAUGHS) About the burglary.
Oh, that's easy. Make a few cutbacks, fire some of the fat ones,
and if you're very low on grain, of course you're gonna have to raise the price.
Right, yep, that's not an option.
So maybe get fired and buy a puppy then.
Really working for me.
(CHUCKLES)
And which style of cuisine would your master most favour today, sir?
He's still keen on the seafood, but he's after something soft.
Soft, sir?
He's a busy man, he don't want to waste time chewing.
I understand completely, in which case I would suggest caviar.
Cavi-are what?
They're fish eggs. Soft as silk but terrifically tasty.
- "Fish eggs"? - Mmm-hmm.
Fish. Eggs.
Mmm-hmm.
Fish eggs.
- Ah. - Eh.
Ahh.
Now that, my friend, is scrummy.
Mmm.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Hello again. Just to say, despite what I said earlier,
we sadly had a burglary this afternoon so now I have to make a few cutbacks.
Fixing the toilets will have to wait.
- Oh, typical. - It is typical.
It's typical of one or two antisocial grain thieves who ruin it for everyone.
Well, no, it's your fault for moving Big Paulus up here to play their stupid jug game.
Shut up. It's a great game.
Yeah, well, either way we also can't afford new chairs.
Oh! Classic.
Yeah, you say you're one of us,
but you're just another lying exec looking after your mates.
Well, I for one won't stand for it.
Right, okay.
Anyone else won't stand for it?
Raise your hand if you won't stand for it.
Well, that is good to know, because we do need to make some redundancies.
- So... You're all fired. - What?
I was stretching. I wasn't... I will stand for it.
We need to reduce spending pretty urgently.
I'm afraid it's a case of no pain, no grain.
Oh, yeah, Prof, I meant to say, the company bought this gold jug for the tournament later.
Mmm-hmm, so we'll need a bit more pain then. Sorry.
Let's lose the guy with the monobrow and Lina the cleaner.
What? You can't fire Lina.
Why are you still here?
End of meeting, everyone back to work.
Apart from those who've been sacked, obviously. You have to go.
(CLEARS THROAT) Now.
(DOOR SQUEAKING)
He's not even fixed the squeaky door.
Oh, fish eggs. Cor!
CROWD: (CHANTING) The workers united will never be defeated.
The workers united will never be defeated.
- The workers... - Oh no, please.
(BOOING)
I'm a worker, too. I'm working very hard here.
Lina's worked here for 45 years.
So she probably needs a rest, then.
Give us back our jobs, you arsehole.
Well, not now you all hate me.
CROWD: The workers united will never be defeated.
WOMEN: Give us grain. When do we want it?
Now. What do we want? Cheaper grain.
When do we want it? Now.
Delphine, what you doing here?
What are you doing here, Marcus?
You said you'd cut grain prices and then you raise them.
I had to. Can you not protest against me, please?
Why would you do that?
Because he's looking after himself and his cronies, love.
Can you not interrupt, mate?
I'm trying to have a conversation with my girlfriend.
You go out with this arsehole?
I do, yes.
And stop calling me that.
Because you could do a lot better.
Yes, thank you. Shut up, please.
Yeah, dump him.
CROWD: Dump him! Dump him!
Dump him!
(GROANS) I mean, this is not how I thought today would go.
Yeah, welcome to my world.
Okay, let's go, Team Rambo.
Hit it, girls.
(CHANTING) Rambo, Rambo, he's our man. If he can't do it, no one can.
What? Why don't I have girls?
I invented the game, I get the cheerleaders. That's the rules.
Oh, Prof, I meant to say, I gave them all jobs in marketing.
Hope that's cool.
Uh-huh.
You three are fired, in that case. We can't afford you any more.
(GROANING)
(DOOR SQUEAKING)
Hey-up. Has it started yet?
Ah, not yet, G-man, you're just in time.
Yo, Rambo, looks like I got a cheerleader of my own.
Okay, well, please don't employ him.
Give us a chant then, G-man.
Come on, Stylax, you can do it.
Stick that ball in the bastard jug.
Not bad.
(SHOUTING)
CHEERLEADERS: R-A-M-B-O.
Ram-bo!
(SHOUTING)
Go Rambo!
Ah!
Okay, 53-all. Next point wins.
Urbo!
Yes, Paulus.
Bitey, bitey, eyes shut tight-y!
(DOOR SQUEAKING)
Oh. Hi, Dad.
Don't you, "Hi, Dad" me, you little prick. What did I say?
What was the one thing I told you to do?
- Floss? - Keep your nut down.
- I did. - So why, for Sphinx sakes,
is there not one, but two protests going on outside that door?
The Professor did that, not me.
Oh, oh, well, hang on.
And why are you chucking apples at some geezer strapped to a column?
Aurelius. Great to meet you, sir. Love the beard.
It's jugball. It's... He invented it. It was all him.
Oh, finally he admits it.
I couldn't give a pharaoh's fat one.
I've only come down here because I've been contacted by the bloody Emporium.
You've spent 15,420 denaris, and mostly on caviar.
That wasn't me, I promise.
Oh right, yeah. Tutankhamen. Give me the bleeding card back.
I don't know where it is. I haven't seen it since I gave it to...
Oh, brilliant.
Have you got my card, boy?
Mmm, yeah.
Give it back then, fuck face.
I'd rather not, to be honest.
Give it to me. Let it go. Let it go.
(GRUNTS)
Thank you.
Now you, my palm, your arse, now.
Move it!
I'll eat you alive, I'm telling you.
(DOOR SQUEAKING)
Ah, bulls-eye!
Me tooth. He's knocked out me hurty tooth.
(LAUGHS)
- Well, I couldn't say no. - Ha!
Ptolemy made me an absurdly generous offer.
And what about that puppy you were carrying around?
Oh, I put him down.
- In every sense. - Oh.
That little dirt dispenser shat all over my mosaic.
And Rambo? Was he put down?
Sadly not. He's now managing the family vineyard,
which sounds like a monumentally stupid idea to me, but there you go.
Yeah. And how about us?
Are there still jobs for us here?
- Oh, yes. - Oh!
I've got some big jobs for you.
(GROANING)
Quick game of sponge bucket?
Hmm? Yeah, go on then.
Oh.
- Oh! - Oh!
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll February 2017
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll March 2017 - Released on www.Addic7ed.com