Wait, you're saying we need to go into witness protection?
SHE GASPS This is nice.
And it's bang in the centre of Swindon.
Look, I've got a job for yous, ain't I?
There's a couple of girls causing a bit of trouble.
Need taking out.
Have you come courting?
You became a man today.
Respect.
No, I don't want money.
Just a bit of help... Sergeant.
Normally, when I'm out and about,
someone - and I've timed this -
someone will stop me roughly every 14 minutes and say,
"Hey, John, how about a selfie?", or
"Hey, John, how about tickets for the rugby?"
The answer to that, by the way, is no.
If you want to go to the internationals,
join your local club and get involved in grass-roots sport.
Well, today, I took a brisk-ish
45-minute walk into the studio
and not one person batted an eyelid.
Why? Well, because, as you can see, I've grown a "goatee".
Now, in week one of witpro,
a lot of people think they have to shave their heads,
or dye their eyebrows purple.
Relax, you don't need to go to extremes.
Small, subtle changes are often the most effective.
If you part your hair to the right, part it to the left.
If you're normally clean-shaven,
what about a five o'clock shadow?
And don't forget to think about your surroundings.
Is this a blazer and tie environment
or is it more old lacrosse sweater
and trackie bum-bums?
Remember, the aim of the game is to blend in.
Why don't you just fuck off, Jackie?
Hell, I'll give you fuck off!
Pay your electric, then you can tell me to fuck off.
All right?
Costs nothing to smile, you stuck-up bitch.
Ta-da! What're you doing?
Now, don't panic.
I've not spent a fortune.
Believe it or not, all this was achieved for under £6.
Yeah, I believe it.
Dandelions in a yoghurt pot
are an inexpensive alternative to costly petrol station flowers.
This feature wall...
is Christmas wrapping paper.
An absolute steal at this time of year.
And I LOVE these balloons.
They just say, "Who cares?
"Let's dance barefoot. "
Right? Right.
Hey, have you noticed some of the neighbours are a little bit...?
Well, a bit lively.
What do you mean?
Well, like that lady who stands in her doorway, smoking.
Little bit in-your-face.
Who, Jackie? Yeah.
No, she's lovely.
Now...
.. what do you think?
I THINK that's the knackered office chair
I've seen in the skip outside for the past three days.
It's shabby chic.
SHE SCREAMS
There's nothing to see here, son.
Body's gone.
Went days ago.
Did she...
have any family?
I wouldn't know about that. Now, go on. On your way.
Who did you come to Christmas last then, eh?
Asking for 200 quid.
And who gave it you and has not had it back yet, eh?
Oh, fuck off! Hiya, Jackie.
All right, Mystique, love. I'm just nipping to Costcutters.
Do you want me to get you a scratchcard?
Oh, no, you're all right, love.
Oh, piss off.
Go on, then. Get us 15...
and get one for yourself.
Hey, get the champagne ready. SHE GIGGLES
Oh, here she is, look.
Dictionary Corner.
Oh, you think you're so much better than us, don't you?
What are you doing on our estate anyway?
Who the fuck are you?!
Right, Leanne, I'm worried.
Don't be. All this paint was totally free,
because it might contain dangerous levels of lead.
Well, I might be willing to take those odds.
No, no, it's not that...
By the way, don't put any of that in my room.
.. I'm worried that I'm sticking out too much on the estate.
People seem to be reacting badly to me and...
I'm worried that I'm drawing attention to myself.
I'm glad you've come to me about this, Rhons.
So, I was thinking...
I could shave off my eyebrows
and draw them on with eyeliner pencil...
and maybe carry a bottle of Newkie Brown with me wherever I go?
I mean, I wouldn't have to drink it,
just always be holding it.
SHE CLEARS THROAT
Accent coaching.
Hmm? We need to workshop your accent.
Nothing major, just a few little tweaks
to make you sound a bit more like
you were allowed to watch TV as a child.
I was allowed to watch TV as a child.
I was allowed to watch Blue Peter.
Now, in your own time.
Just your normal voice.
SHE CLEARS THROAT
Nice weather we're having, isn't it?
Telly said it was going to piss it down.
Great start.
OK, um...
you've got a very rigid top palate.
It's fine, it's just something we're going to have to work with.
BOTH: Er-r-r-r.
A- a-a-ah.
Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh.
Eh, eh, eh.
Country supper.
Nigh, needy, Netanyahu.
Imagine you've got a mouthful of marbles.
SHE MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY
No, less marbles.
SHE MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY
One big marble.
SHE MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY
Yes.
SHE MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY
Now, soften that "wuh".
Wuh.
No, soften the "wuh".
What do you mean, "Soften the wuh?" Yes, that's it! Oh!
Nice weather.
Yes. Nice weather!
Throw it away. Nice weather.
Ha, yes!
OK, you're ready.
Are you sure? Definitely.
I actually think, for the first time, I'm hearing Sarah Penn.
Do you know what? I was actually cast as Bo Peep in my school play
and I don't think it was just because
they knew my mum could handle the costumes. It's time to shine, Rhons.
Let's go say hi to Jackie.
Hiya, Jackie.
All right?
IRISH ACCENT: Nice weather we're having.
Telly said it were going to piss it down.
What?
Nice weather we're having.
Telly said it were going to piss it down.
Are you taking the piss?
Sorry, Jackie, love.
You've not been introduced to Sarah,
so, you weren't to know.
Sarah's deaf.
Oh, luvvie!
Oh, fucking hell.
I'm so sorry, I didn't know.
That's all right, I should have said.
I would never...
I would never say anything to hurt a deafie.
That's all right, Sarah don't mind.
You're all right, aren't you, Saz?
Oh, fucking hell!
God bless her.
Now, listen to me...
Can she understand me?
Translate.
I don't care what anyone says,
you've got every right to walk these streets.
God bless you, you poor bastard.
Oh, she's beautiful, ain't she?
Can you tell her she's beautiful?
Fag? I'm all right, Jackie.
Come on, Sarah.
SHE COOS
Come on, come on.
Careful!
Oh, my God!
Do you know what I think it was?
The "wuh" sound.
You didn't soften the "wuh".
You told her I was deaf.
Even by your standards...
Look, I'm sorry, I am not going along with this.
I am not pretending to be deaf.
It's just wrong. Look, Rhona, if you'd asked me this morning
did I want you to have to pretend to be a deaf-mute,
I would have said, "No, course not," but that's how it's gone.
And at the end of the day,
it's got you the exact result you wanted with Jackie.
I wish I'd thought of it for Mystique.
Really, I do.
Playing deaf?
That's Oscar shit.
What up, doggy stylers?
It's me, Leanne, the doggy hairdresser.
Now, we have talked again and again
about how a good cut can transform a puppy's self-esteem.
They know when they look good and they respond to that -
which is why, today, we're talking about doggy nail varnish.
Now, Cookie here is a little boy,
so obviously we're not going to go for anything too glam.
By and large, we're sticking to more muted earth tones.
Now...
Slag.
HE GASPS
Bosh!
Adrian, that doesn't look to me like
you're researching the Dundas Aqueduct.
All right, mate? Found out where one of them works.
Let's go over there and fuck shit up.
'Can't, Lee. '
My nan's coming round.
Oh, all right. Fair play.
I'll go on my own, but keep your phone on
in case I need you to come over with a you-know-what.
Piss off!
It's natural, innit?
What am I meant to do, put a cork in its arse?
All right, love?
Oh...
bless you, love.
Good for you. Fuck 'em.
Fuck 'em.
Sorry, are you the person asking about Rhona Fairburn?
Yeah. Well, what it is, is I'm her ex-boyfriend.
You're James? Yeah, that's me.
James, who's 32 and a civil engineer?
Yeah, mate. Anyway, it's a bit embarrassing,
but, basically, she needs to get herself tested.
If you could tell her to meet me in a half-hour
by the nettles behind McDonald's.
Well, I'm afraid Rhona isn't actually in today, so...
That's all right. I'll just come back tomorrow, then.
Am I all right to sit here and have a Chomp?
Actually, she's not going to be in for quite some time.
She's on jury duty, a complex fraud case.
It might take several months, apparently... Oh, shit.
.. but, by all means, finish your Chomp,
but then do, please, leave quickly.
TV: These days, our money has to work even harder for us
and one of our biggest expenditures
is on our property. Last year, we spent...
Hey, guess who texted me?
Your number one fan, Jackie.
Well, you shouldn't really be giving her your number.
She's coming round for a cuppa...
What?.. and she's bringing her sisters.
And she says there's someone she wants you to meet.
Oh, God, no. Leanne, tell her no.
Well, to be honest, she didn't really ask.
She just said she was coming over.
I'm not going to act deaf.
Well, you don't have to.
That's the beauty of deaf Sarah Penn.
You just sit in the corner and leave the talking to me.
Fine.
Now...
I got the Fimo out...
.. and I made you this.
Ta-da!
Get that off me.
Right.
You, erm, got some good news for me, then?
Right, yeah. So, we found out where they live,
but they ain't been there in, like, three days.
So, I went to one of their works, yeah, and spoke to this bitch...
Oi!
Don't call women bitches.
Your mother's a woman. Right, sorry.
Erm, so, yeah, she said that she's on jury service or some shit
and wouldn't be back for ages.
Shit.
Right, well, they're in witness protection, then.
How do you know?
Well, when you go into witness protection
and it ain't permanent or nothing,
they tell your work that you're going to jury duty for...
however long.
Right, well, this is good, though, mate. Good information. Yeah?
Right, I'll be in touch with you, yeah.
I'm impressed, mate.
You're a proper gangster.
HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS
All right, boss?
Daddy's come to Londis.
Oi, boss, put these on my tab, yeah.
No tabs, you need to pay for that.
Yeah, fuck that, man.
I come in here every day, man.
Put it on my tab.
You don't know who you're messing with.
This is what your daddy should have done.
Did you hear me?
Insolent! Now, get out, man!
BELL RINGS
HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS
Before I was a carer, I was actually a corporate lawyer,
but it was all contracts and paperwork,
and no-one ever talked about love. You know what I mean? Yeah.
So, one day, I just walked out of the office,
didn't know where was going,
and I...
I walked into a hospital...
.. and I just said...
"How can I help?"
Thank God for people like you, Mystique, love.
I couldn't do what you do.
Hand on heart, couldn't be fucked.
Told you, didn't I? Like Lady Di.
Well, thanks.
You know, it's so nice to have visitors,
and I can tell it means a lot to her.
Look how peaceful she is.
She understands, doesn't she,
all this is for her?
Oh, I'd like to think so, Jackie.
He's upstairs, go on up.
Mate, where's the gun?
What?
Why? I just need it.
For what? Look, I've been disrespected.
This guy. You don't need to know, just give it.
We can't just, like, go around shooting people.
Or what? You think I can't handle it?
Yeah? Think you're the big boss man, yeah?
Just cos you shot... Shh!
CAT YELPS
Mate, since when did you have a cat?
I shagged this girl, so she gave me her cat.
Right, come on! Gareth's got to have his tea now.
Give me the gun.
No. Get off. No. Get off of...
What the fuck?
Bender.
BUZZER
I wonder who that could be.
Jackie, have you got something up your sleeve?
Someone's got a visitor, I think.
Mystique, this is my sister, Michelle.
Michelle, Mystique.
All right. Shell's a dinner lady at St Wilfred's.
They've got one there.
We thought it would be nice if we brought him round to meet Sarah.
This is Nathan.
Sarah, love, this is Nathan!
Nathan is deaf!
Aww.
Don't you love it when they do all this?
It's like another world, innit? Go on, then, don't be shy.
Talk to him with your little hands.
Come on! He's got on two buses to get here.
Ooh, look how excited he is.
I think someone's sweet on someone.
What's wrong with him, Shell?
Maybe he's a bit overtired.
He's playing up. You're going to have to take him home, Shell.
Come on, come on.
I'll see you on Thursday, Shell.
Sorry about that Sarah, love.
They're like a dog with two dicks at this age, deaf or not.
Oh, my Go...!
What the fuck?
Christ be praised!
It's a miracle!
That African preacher did the job for you, Saz.
You're healed. Stop it. Just...
I'm not deaf. I'm sorry.
What the hell is going on with you two?
You're hiding something, I know it.
OK.
OK, you're right, Jackie.
We have been hiding something. SARAH CLEARS THROAT
No. No more lies.
These people deserve to know the truth.
They're our friends, we can trust them.
Oh, my... You said you didn't want to pretend any more.
It's time to come clean about who we really are.
Right, can we just, say...
Fucking hell.
Yeah.
That's right, everyone, we are lesbians.
We had to flee our last place because of intolerance.
Remember when Peggy threw Mark Fowler
out of the Queen Vic for being HIV?
Well, it was like that.
We were nervous about not being accepted here,
so we decided to live as a simple deaf girl
and her beautiful carer as a cover story.
Yep, yep, that's what the situation is.
Thinking about it now, the plan was mental.
Almost nonsensical, but...
.. we're very emotional people.
It was wrong, and I'm sorry...
.. but we're just two ordinary girls
driven wild by each other's bodies.
Hey...
now listen to me, Mystique...
.. you've got nothing to apologise for.
I'll be honest with you, the last six months I was in prison,
I went over to fanny myself.
Same as my Mark and cock.
Straight as a ruler all his life but, inside,
you couldn't keep him off it.
That is a lovely story, Julie.
Thank you.
You won't get no grief, not round here.
And if you do, they'll have us to answer to.
Right, girls? Thanks, guys.
I'm so glad there's no more secrets between us.
Also, cos we're planning to adopt, so...
Adopt more stereotypically lesbian mannerisms,
so, you know, this doesn't happen again.
No, we're planning to adopt.
Hopefully, a brown one.
She's talking about greyhounds.
An ex-racer.
I've always wanted a puppy. You're going to have a baby with me.
DOOR OPENS Only me.
Tony!
This young man - Ian, is it?
Hmm. This young man, Ian, is an angel.
Well, I don't know about that, Mrs Forrest.
Vonne, please.
So, I had a flat tyre
and Ian just happened to be passing the house
and he stopped, God bless him,
and he changed the tyre for me.
Did he? I think a man should be able to change a tyre, don't you, Ian?
Tony can't change a light bulb.
KETTLE WHISTLES
Do you take milk and sugar?
Three sugars, please...
Vonne.
I'm afraid it's only Canderel.
Tony has to be careful.
This must be Michael...
.. and Tonya.
They're a credit to you both.
What are you doing?
Why don't you just give me the names, Tony?
Nice and simple, instead of all this
accidentally-give-it-to-the-lawyers shit.
I told you, it's safer if they can't trace it.
We know they're in witness protection.
Are they? Oh, bloody hell.
God! It never rains but it pours, does it?
You knew that'd happen.
Now, I'd take issue with you there, Ian.
I've always played you with a straight bat.
You're going to get us their address.
You know, it's really very limited what I can do on this.
Sergeant is mainly a ceremonial role.
Now, Kirsty, she heads up the admin team,
and a little bird tells me,
when she was off sick last year,
she may or may not have been spotted at Cheltenham racecourse.
Ripe for blackmail,
if you don't mind me telling my grandmother how to suck...
HE WAILS:.. eggs.
Right, then.
Tony, what are you doing?
I just thought I could see some... ants on the skirting.
There. Thank you.
Now, Ian, I wanted to give you something for your trouble
and I won't take... Ah, now, Mrs Forrest...
I won't take no for an answer.
Well, then, I won't try.
It's very kind of you. I'll... I'll just go and get my purse.
Oops!
Just give me a couple of days.
Hey, I know how much is in that bottle, Candice.
I've had a pen on it.
Oh, here they are, the two lovebirds.
Just like me and Carl before it went to shit.
God bless you.
Great. So, I don't have to pretend to be deaf any more,
but we do have to constantly pretend to be an item
in and around the estates.
I think it's genius.
Although you'll probably have to shave a bit of your hair,
cos you're obviously the butch one.
Leanne, we can stop holding hands now, you know.
Yeah, I know.
This...
Us...
It's over.
Where is the address?
Rest assured, I am working on it.
Wipe your own arse.
We need to find out what's inside that bear, Leanne.
I'm opening it up.
THEY SCREAM
Oh, God. What is it?
GUNSHOT