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Ripped & Corrected By mstoll
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"Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?"
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Sorry, Dad.
How old's this sad weirdo supposed to be?
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The maid be 13, my sweet.
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Yeah, cos I'm 13.
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Exactly.
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I thought it might be fun to hear
my Juliet spoke in her true voice
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before a middle-aged man with
two half-coconuts down his bodice
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gets hold of it.
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I don't say stuff like this, Dad.
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I'd sound like a complete turnip!
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Yes, dear.
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'Tis thy sweet and useful timbre
I would feign here,
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not the monosyllabic series of grunts
that passes for your conversation.
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Oh, what?!
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I take the view that having
my romantic ingénue say,
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"Uhh, what, shut up, Romeo, you're
so weird, uhh, shut up, I hate you,"
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would be slightly less effective
than mine own timeless poetry.
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Timeless is the word,
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as in "feels like goes on
for bloody ever".
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You've never given it a chance.
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You've only seen Henry VI, Part 1.
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Part 1? What, you mean there's more?!
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I mean, don't take this the wrong way,
son, but, God, I was bored!
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I thought I was actually outside
my own body watching meself die.
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He sat there cracking his nuts
in the quiet bits.
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I tried to shush him,
but he would not be shushed.
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He's a stubborn man, your father, William.
A stubborn, common man.
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Which is why you married me.
Posh birds love a bit of rough.
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I married beneath me,
and now you've done the same, William.
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And what's that supposed to mean?
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It means that he was 17
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and he got a scheming little 26-year-old
tithe farm milking-slap
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up the duffington, that's what!
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Oh, you think you're so posh, Mary Arden.
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Like you ain't sewn into your winter
knickers like everybody else.
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I'm trying to work!
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I've come from London
to hear Sue read my Juliet.
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Well, I'm not happy, doll.
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Burbage pays you as an actor,
not a writer.
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It's fine. I've sent word to the theatre
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that the two tunnels which lie
beneath the bridge be blocked.
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Pardon?
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The two tunnels which lie
beneath the bridge be blocked.
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Two tunnels?
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Beneath a bridge? Anyone?
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Nose, my loves. Nose!
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I've told Burbage that my nose be snotted
and I would not work this week or next.
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Why didn't you just say "nose"?
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It's what I do!
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Now, Susanna, again.
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All right, if I have to.
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"Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?"
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Dad, nobody talks like this!
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It's poetry.
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Sometimes I regret teaching you to read.
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I do think it could be
a little less flowery, love.
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I mean, why doesn't she just say,
"Where are you, Romeo?"
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Because, my love,
it doesn't mean, "Where are you?"
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It means, "Why are you Romeo?"
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That's a bit weird.
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Yeah. Romeo is just his name.
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Well, exactly.
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Juliet is saying, "Why are you
a member of a family that I hate?"
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People will definitely think
you mean, "Romeo, where are you?"
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That's what I thought it meant.
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Yeah. I did, too.
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It's bloody obvious.
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I think, to be clear, you're going
to have to have Juliet say,
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"Romeo, Romeo!
Why are you called Romeo?"
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"A member of a family that I hate?"
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That'd do it.
Although if I was being really picky,
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Romeo is just his Christian name,
isn't it? And that's not the issue.
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It's his surname that's the problem.
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Well, yes. Actually, I was sort of hoping
people wouldn't notice that.
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- I think they might.
- Duh!
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So you think she should say, "Montague,
Montague! Wherefore art thou Montague?"
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No. Cos that'd sound like
she's lost her cat.
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Look, it's... probably best
if you leave this to me, my love.
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I'm-I'm on a bit of a roll.
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I'm particularly pleased with the comedy
scene where a group of rival serving men
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exchange a series
of increasingly obscure insults.
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Will, I've told you.
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Don't do comedy.
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It's not your strong point.
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It is my strong point, Wife.
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It's just requires lengthy explanation
and copious footnotes.
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If... If you do your research,
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my stuff is actually really funny.
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So excited to hear about
Mr Shakespeare's teen romance.
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Such a good idea for a story.
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Yeah, it's all right, I suppose.
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Better than his usual stuff.
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Has he let slip any hints
about the romance plot?
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Er, this lad falls in love with this lass,
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and she falls in love with him...
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and they live happily ever after.
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Nice and short,
which makes a change from his Henrys.
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- And an amazing part for a girl.
- Kate,
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you've got to drop that. Just cos your mum
rents rooms to my master
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don't mean he's going to put you
in one of his plays.
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It just seems so unfair that the theatre
employs men to perform female roles
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when I, a real woman, am ready and eager.
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Ah, Kate, splendid!
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Store these new pages in my bureau,
would you? And, Bottom,
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bring ale and pie.
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A "good morrow" would be nice.
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I'm famished!
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The coach promised a refreshment cart,
but, oh, not on this particular service,
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you'll be stunned to hear
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I hate it when they do that.
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Plus, they were filling ruts
'twixt Stokenchurch and Chipping Norton
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and had laid on replacement donkeys.
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In fact, one donkey for six of us,
plus bags.
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Of course, the snortish brute
guffed its last after but three furlongs
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and they had to send for another
from Birmingham.
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We spent two nights in a hedge.
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And did we see a single rut being filled?
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Oh, no, I was forgetting! This is England.
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One wouldst more likely see
a toothless crone with a tooth
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than an English rut-filler
actually filling a rut!
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Fortunately, I had my quill and ink and
was able to make passing use of the time.
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Oh, my God, Mr Shakespeare,
it's brilliant.
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Timeless. Deathless!
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"The Most Tragical History
Of Romeo And Julian."
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Oh, yes...
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That should be Juliet, obviously.
Romeo And Julian was but a working title.
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Early exploratory stuff.
It meanteth nothing.
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Yeah, right
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- What?
- Well, come on, master.
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We live in same house.
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I've heard you reading out your sonnets.
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Especially 1 to 126.
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Those poems are about
a platonic hierarchical relationship.
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God's naughty etchings!
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Why does everybody presume
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that just because I write 126 love poems
to an attractive boy, I must be...
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...I must be some kind of
bechambered hugger-tugger.
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Juliet is an utterly amazing part.
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Yes, I really think I've got her voice.
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You have, you have. She's perfect.
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00:07:12,480 --> 00:07:16,314
The real challenge will be to find
an actor to do her justice.
143
00:07:16,360 --> 00:07:20,148
Master Condell was quite brilliant
as Queen Margaret in my Henrys.
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But I fear he'd be too old
to play the ingénue.
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On the other hand, I don't want a boy.
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These downy-scrotumed squeakers
lack depth.
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Ahem.
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Pardon, Kate?
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Leaping amphibian
caught in the ruby pipe
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which starts with a swallow
but knows naught of birds.
151
00:07:37,440 --> 00:07:38,475
Pardon?
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00:07:41,520 --> 00:07:43,909
I think he means,
have you got a frog in your throat?
153
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But you can never be sure with him.
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I'll get it.
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As if anyone else was ever going to!
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Yes, Bottom. Or, alternatively,
I could get it and you could write a play
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and use the money you earn to pay me.
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Except, hang on, no, that wouldn't work,
because you can't read or write.
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00:08:00,600 --> 00:08:05,071
So perhaps our current distribution of
labour is the sensible and equitable one.
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That's just mean, that is.
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Ahem.
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What?
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00:08:12,800 --> 00:08:17,430
I was hinting that the answer
to your Juliet dilemma could be...
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00:08:18,680 --> 00:08:20,955
Oh, Kate, don't go there.
165
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Lady-acting is illegal.
166
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Besides which, girls can't act.
167
00:08:25,320 --> 00:08:28,710
Just as they cannot practise law,
cure the sick,
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00:08:28,760 --> 00:08:31,320
handle financial matters
or stand for any office.
169
00:08:33,080 --> 00:08:36,038
But no woman has ever been allowed
to try any of those things.
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Because they can't do them!
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God's bodikins, Kate, what's not to get?
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Now, please, forget this nonsense
and let me focus.
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It's not Juliet I'm worried about,
it's Romeo.
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I can't seem to get a handle on him.
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His character eludes me.
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Master Robert Greene is without.
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Rob Greene...
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who doth hate my gutlings?
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What does he want?
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Ahh...
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Master Shaky Poet!
182
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A word, if you please.
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00:09:02,000 --> 00:09:04,992
Shakespeare, Master Greene.
My name is Shakespeare.
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00:09:05,040 --> 00:09:06,393
I know your name, sirrah.
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00:09:06,440 --> 00:09:08,112
I was addressing you by trade.
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00:09:08,160 --> 00:09:09,878
Shaky Poet.
187
00:09:09,920 --> 00:09:12,229
Just as I would address a house-builder
as Master Builder
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00:09:12,280 --> 00:09:14,953
or a ship's carpenter as Master Carpenter.
189
00:09:15,000 --> 00:09:16,558
What would you call a bear-baiter,
Mr Greene?
190
00:09:16,600 --> 00:09:17,715
Master Baiter.
191
00:09:19,800 --> 00:09:21,916
- See what I did there?
- Brilliant. Loved it.
192
00:09:23,200 --> 00:09:27,239
I am come on a mission of great delicacy.
193
00:09:27,280 --> 00:09:32,752
My nephew, Florian Greene,
has fallen for a most unsuitable girl -
194
00:09:32,800 --> 00:09:36,270
the Lady Rosaline,
daughter of a mere country knight.
195
00:09:36,320 --> 00:09:38,629
There can of course be no question
of such a lowly match,
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00:09:38,680 --> 00:09:41,194
so the boy must be kept from her.
197
00:09:41,240 --> 00:09:44,471
And what part of this unedifying tale
of upper-class entitlement
198
00:09:44,520 --> 00:09:45,919
is of interest to me?
199
00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:50,590
Florian travels to Cambridge next week
to take his place at the university.
200
00:09:50,640 --> 00:09:53,108
You must keep him here till then.
201
00:09:53,160 --> 00:09:57,597
You see, this lowly boarding house
is far from court.
202
00:09:57,640 --> 00:09:59,437
And Miss Rosaline
will never find him here.
203
00:09:59,480 --> 00:10:02,358
I am a busy writer, sirrah.
Why should I do this?
204
00:10:02,400 --> 00:10:04,755
Because I am Master of the Queen's Revels,
205
00:10:04,800 --> 00:10:09,590
and if you don't,
I will deny your plays licence.
206
00:10:09,640 --> 00:10:12,200
You mean you're corruptly using
your public position
207
00:10:12,240 --> 00:10:14,117
to further your own private interests?
208
00:10:14,160 --> 00:10:15,752
Er, duh!
209
00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:21,231
I will have the boy sent to you
this e'en, bound tight,
210
00:10:21,280 --> 00:10:23,111
for his blood runs hot.
211
00:10:23,160 --> 00:10:26,596
I myself will return in a week
for a farewell dinner.
212
00:10:26,640 --> 00:10:27,789
Good day.
213
00:10:29,960 --> 00:10:33,475
Zounds! I am due at the theatre
to discuss my new romance,
214
00:10:33,520 --> 00:10:36,159
but now must play nursey-nursey
wipey-nosey
215
00:10:36,200 --> 00:10:39,237
to a rogering, roistering
student clodhopper!
216
00:10:39,280 --> 00:10:42,477
And all because Robert Greene
be made Master of Revels.
217
00:10:42,520 --> 00:10:44,158
Why be he Master of Revels?
218
00:10:44,200 --> 00:10:46,350
What qualifies him to be my judge?
219
00:10:46,400 --> 00:10:48,231
He's posh and he went to Cambridge.
220
00:10:48,280 --> 00:10:49,395
Exactly.
221
00:10:49,440 --> 00:10:51,670
His very birth did guarantee him
advancement
222
00:10:51,720 --> 00:10:53,551
whilst mine precluded it.
223
00:10:53,600 --> 00:10:57,115
It is almost as if there be suspended
over this scepter'd isle
224
00:10:57,160 --> 00:10:58,752
a ceiling made of glass...
225
00:11:00,080 --> 00:11:04,278
...against which men of lower birth,
such as I, must always bonk our noggins.
226
00:11:05,920 --> 00:11:08,115
D'you think that's why
you're going a bit bald?
227
00:11:09,360 --> 00:11:11,316
I am not going bloody bald.
228
00:11:11,360 --> 00:11:13,316
I have a very big brain.
229
00:11:17,920 --> 00:11:22,994
Mr Burbage, I am the senior actor
of female roles in this company.
230
00:11:23,040 --> 00:11:26,953
My dear Condell, the ingénue
in Master Shakespeare's promised play
231
00:11:27,000 --> 00:11:28,956
is a maid of 13 summers,
232
00:11:29,000 --> 00:11:30,752
a young bud scarce yet in bloom.
233
00:11:30,800 --> 00:11:32,233
And your point?
234
00:11:33,600 --> 00:11:37,149
I think it seeks an actor
that doesn't have to shave his ears.
235
00:11:38,560 --> 00:11:40,949
Good morrow! Good morrow, all.
236
00:11:41,000 --> 00:11:43,275
Don't you "good morrow" me,
Mr Shakespeare.
237
00:11:43,320 --> 00:11:44,548
This new romance you're writing...
238
00:11:44,600 --> 00:11:45,669
Aye. Romeo And Julian.
239
00:11:45,720 --> 00:11:46,914
Juliet.
240
00:11:46,960 --> 00:11:48,188
As I said.
241
00:11:48,240 --> 00:11:49,878
Romeo And Juliet.
242
00:11:49,920 --> 00:11:52,593
Burbage says you want me
to play some bloody nanny.
243
00:11:52,640 --> 00:11:54,790
The nurse is a fine comedy role.
244
00:11:54,840 --> 00:11:56,796
Oh! Comedy. Ooh!
245
00:11:56,840 --> 00:11:58,637
Don't give it to him, then.
246
00:11:59,760 --> 00:12:01,273
- I can do comedy.
- Yeah...
247
00:12:01,320 --> 00:12:04,551
But only in London, yeah?
Not really Florence, is it?
248
00:12:04,600 --> 00:12:07,114
Yes, we all know you worked
in Italy, Kempe.
249
00:12:07,160 --> 00:12:09,230
Ooh, did I get an award?
250
00:12:09,280 --> 00:12:10,349
Can't remember.
251
00:12:10,400 --> 00:12:13,198
Oh, that's right, I did. Yeah.
A proper one.
252
00:12:13,240 --> 00:12:15,356
Not English. Italian, yeah?
253
00:12:15,400 --> 00:12:17,595
Commedia dell'arte. Mm!
254
00:12:17,640 --> 00:12:18,914
Heard of it?
255
00:12:18,960 --> 00:12:23,590
Since you became big in Italy, Kempe, an
insufferable smuglington hast thou become!
256
00:12:23,640 --> 00:12:26,837
Yeah, but an insufferable smuglington
who's big in Italy.
257
00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:30,475
I am the senior lady actor
and I insist on playing Juliet!
258
00:12:30,520 --> 00:12:32,476
Look, the play isn't even finished.
259
00:12:32,520 --> 00:12:34,795
I'm stuck on the character of my Romeo.
260
00:12:34,840 --> 00:12:37,638
And what's more,
as yet I don't have an ending.
261
00:12:37,680 --> 00:12:40,717
Surely our young lovers
will live happily ever after.
262
00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:43,069
Hmm. Well, that's the obvious ending.
263
00:12:43,120 --> 00:12:44,189
Yes.
264
00:12:44,240 --> 00:12:46,276
The ending the crowd will want.
265
00:12:46,320 --> 00:12:48,117
Yes.
266
00:12:48,160 --> 00:12:49,832
So I thought I'd kill them instead.
267
00:12:51,720 --> 00:12:53,073
Kill them?
268
00:12:53,120 --> 00:12:54,758
Our teenage sweethearts?
269
00:12:54,800 --> 00:12:56,870
Yes. Theatre should be challenging.
270
00:12:56,920 --> 00:12:58,797
And entertaining.
271
00:12:58,840 --> 00:13:00,319
- Mainly challenging.
- Oh!
272
00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:05,151
I just need to work out
a decent double death plot.
273
00:13:05,200 --> 00:13:07,475
I can do dying! I'm good at dying.
274
00:13:07,520 --> 00:13:08,589
Hmm, yeah!
275
00:13:08,640 --> 00:13:10,198
On stage every night. Oh!
276
00:13:11,680 --> 00:13:14,592
Who said that? Oh, I did, so...
277
00:13:15,640 --> 00:13:18,677
Mr Shakespeare, I need this role.
278
00:13:18,720 --> 00:13:20,790
I can woo Romeo. I know I can.
279
00:13:20,840 --> 00:13:24,150
Let me show you.
Find a way for me to prove it.
280
00:13:25,200 --> 00:13:27,270
Bit sad, though. Begging.
281
00:13:29,960 --> 00:13:33,839
We've had a delivery!
282
00:13:33,880 --> 00:13:37,873
Lock up the beef and ale, Bottom.
Tell the poor to bar their doors.
283
00:13:37,920 --> 00:13:41,310
We unleash the most parasitic creature
in Christendom...
284
00:13:41,360 --> 00:13:42,952
the English posh boy.
285
00:13:44,640 --> 00:13:47,473
Stay your hand a moment, Bottom.
Have you your dagger handy?
286
00:13:47,520 --> 00:13:48,635
Do you think he's dangerous?
287
00:13:48,680 --> 00:13:52,309
Possibly. These Oxbridge yobbos
are extraordinarily strong,
288
00:13:52,360 --> 00:13:55,716
having spent their entire lives
with literarily enough to eat.
289
00:13:58,600 --> 00:14:03,116
They join clubs called the Burst Ballsack
and the Fisted Peasant...
290
00:14:04,520 --> 00:14:07,478
...where they gorge and fight
and roger and quaff
291
00:14:07,520 --> 00:14:09,715
till they coat the walls
with gut porridge.
292
00:14:09,760 --> 00:14:10,749
A bit jealous, are we?
293
00:14:10,800 --> 00:14:12,313
Bloody jealous!
294
00:14:12,360 --> 00:14:15,989
Particularly, as when they graduate,
they all get to be bishops and ambassadors
295
00:14:16,040 --> 00:14:17,473
and members of the privy council.
296
00:14:17,520 --> 00:14:19,750
In England, I'm afraid
it's not what you know,
297
00:14:19,800 --> 00:14:23,759
it's what dead farmyard animals
you rogered at university!
298
00:14:24,840 --> 00:14:26,159
We can put it off no longer.
299
00:14:26,200 --> 00:14:27,679
Unleash the posh boy!
300
00:14:35,400 --> 00:14:37,356
Rosaline...
301
00:14:37,400 --> 00:14:38,628
Rosaline!
302
00:14:38,680 --> 00:14:40,910
Wherefore art thou Rosaline?
303
00:14:40,960 --> 00:14:43,076
Goodness. This is spooky.
304
00:14:43,120 --> 00:14:45,839
He's asking why his beloved's name
is Rosaline.
305
00:14:47,680 --> 00:14:51,389
Actually, I think he's asking
where Rosaline is.
306
00:14:51,440 --> 00:14:54,876
Probably best to leave
the linguistic interpretation to me.
307
00:14:54,920 --> 00:14:56,478
Where are you, Rosaline?
308
00:14:56,520 --> 00:14:57,555
Where are you?
309
00:14:57,600 --> 00:14:59,238
I wish I knew where you were.
310
00:15:00,480 --> 00:15:01,629
Gonna admit I was right?
311
00:15:03,040 --> 00:15:04,678
O brutal love.
312
00:15:04,720 --> 00:15:06,597
Despised love.
313
00:15:06,640 --> 00:15:11,191
Love is the angry thorn
upon the false rose, and I...
314
00:15:11,240 --> 00:15:12,389
am a prick.
315
00:15:14,280 --> 00:15:18,353
Blimey, have we got to spend a week
with this arse-mungel?
316
00:15:18,400 --> 00:15:20,550
Resist your thuggish interjections,
Bottom.
317
00:15:20,600 --> 00:15:24,559
I see in this lovelorn loon
the very model of my Romeo.
318
00:15:24,600 --> 00:15:27,637
O thou rude and deceiving table!
319
00:15:29,160 --> 00:15:32,596
Four legs hast thou,
yet none are Rosaline's.
320
00:15:32,640 --> 00:15:35,632
I would cut off every one
and eat upon the floor
321
00:15:35,680 --> 00:15:38,752
for but one glance at Rosaline's
sweet knees.
322
00:15:39,840 --> 00:15:42,752
I'm sorry,
but this bloke's a total wankington.
323
00:15:44,080 --> 00:15:46,913
You must make allowance
for his youth and ardour.
324
00:15:46,960 --> 00:15:50,475
Curse the floor
that doth not support Rosaline.
325
00:15:52,080 --> 00:15:55,117
Curse the ceiling
that doth not shelter Rosaline.
326
00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:02,356
Curse the bondsman
that doth not serve Rosaline.
327
00:16:02,400 --> 00:16:04,516
Well, maybe he's a bit of a wankington.
328
00:16:05,960 --> 00:16:07,632
Sirrah, who are you?
329
00:16:07,680 --> 00:16:09,796
My name is Will Shakespeare,
Master Florian.
330
00:16:09,840 --> 00:16:13,071
And I've been charged with keeping you
safe till you go to university.
331
00:16:13,120 --> 00:16:14,269
Never.
332
00:16:14,320 --> 00:16:18,632
I will leave this place at once and search
the world until I find my Rosaline.
333
00:16:18,680 --> 00:16:20,716
I'm afraid that's out of the question.
334
00:16:20,760 --> 00:16:22,591
Then I will kill myself.
335
00:16:22,640 --> 00:16:25,950
Rosaline, Rosaline!
Wherefore art thou Rosaline?
336
00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:28,719
Mr Shakespeare, I've learned
one of Juliet's speeches,
337
00:16:28,760 --> 00:16:30,512
and if you'll just let me
show you what I...
338
00:16:30,560 --> 00:16:33,438
Kate, I'm really, really busy!
339
00:16:33,480 --> 00:16:35,755
"What's in a name?
That which we call a rose
340
00:16:35,800 --> 00:16:38,189
"By any other name would smell as sweet."
341
00:16:38,240 --> 00:16:39,798
- Not now, Kate!
- Sorry.
342
00:16:39,840 --> 00:16:42,991
Now, Master Florian, don't be foolish.
343
00:16:43,040 --> 00:16:44,996
You're going to have to put Rosaline
out of your mind.
344
00:16:45,040 --> 00:16:47,031
Rosaline?
345
00:16:47,080 --> 00:16:48,229
Rosaline?
346
00:16:49,640 --> 00:16:51,835
Who's this foul trollop Rosaline?
347
00:16:51,880 --> 00:16:53,438
Why, your love, I thought.
348
00:16:53,480 --> 00:16:54,799
Kate...
349
00:16:56,240 --> 00:16:59,277
Kate be my love.
I will love none but my Kate.
350
00:16:59,320 --> 00:17:02,312
Kate? You... You... You mean, our Kate?
351
00:17:03,520 --> 00:17:05,750
Where she breathes, flowers bloom.
352
00:17:05,800 --> 00:17:07,791
Where she sings, pixies dance.
353
00:17:07,840 --> 00:17:11,230
Her most blowingly flatulent fartle-barfle
354
00:17:11,280 --> 00:17:16,229
be more sweetly scented
than all the perfumes of Arabia!
355
00:17:16,280 --> 00:17:19,238
Well, you see, you're wrong there.
She's not a bad-looking bird,
356
00:17:19,280 --> 00:17:21,874
but let me tell you, if she leaves
one hanging in a room,
357
00:17:21,920 --> 00:17:23,797
you're still chewing on it an hour later.
358
00:17:28,360 --> 00:17:31,591
My Kate doth teach
the candles to burn bright.
359
00:17:31,640 --> 00:17:33,517
Kate, Kate!
360
00:17:33,560 --> 00:17:36,996
Zounds!
I've got to get some of this stuff down.
361
00:17:38,240 --> 00:17:39,832
He is my Romeo, all right.
362
00:17:39,880 --> 00:17:43,350
And what a bit of luck, him going
all diddly-doodah over our Kate!
363
00:17:43,400 --> 00:17:44,992
We'd thought to be his jailer
364
00:17:45,040 --> 00:17:48,032
but what better chains to keep him
close than those of love?
365
00:17:49,640 --> 00:17:51,596
Mr Shakespeare...
366
00:17:51,640 --> 00:17:53,915
Something quite interesting
has just happened.
367
00:17:53,960 --> 00:17:56,997
Yes, I know, Kate.
Master Florian has taken a shine to you.
368
00:17:57,040 --> 00:17:58,951
Just string him along for a week,
will you?
369
00:17:59,000 --> 00:18:02,197
Let him sing beneath your balcony,
write you sonnets, that sort of thing.
370
00:18:02,240 --> 00:18:03,912
I'm sure it's nothing serious.
371
00:18:03,960 --> 00:18:05,393
It is...
372
00:18:05,440 --> 00:18:07,317
quite serious.
373
00:18:07,360 --> 00:18:08,952
He's asked me to marry him.
374
00:18:09,000 --> 00:18:09,989
Well...
375
00:18:10,040 --> 00:18:11,268
Well, that's very sweet...
376
00:18:11,320 --> 00:18:12,878
Marry?!
377
00:18:12,920 --> 00:18:14,717
He can't marry you!
378
00:18:14,760 --> 00:18:18,275
Robert Greene thought Rosaline not
good enough for his precious Florian
379
00:18:18,320 --> 00:18:20,470
and she be the daughter of a knight.
380
00:18:20,520 --> 00:18:23,717
Your mum washes my puffling pants!
381
00:18:23,760 --> 00:18:26,672
Yes, but 'tis not Robert Greene
who would marry me.
382
00:18:26,720 --> 00:18:28,119
'Tis Florian.
383
00:18:28,160 --> 00:18:31,994
And when he does,
my station will be somewhat elevated...
384
00:18:32,040 --> 00:18:33,996
considerably, I might add,
385
00:18:34,040 --> 00:18:35,029
above your own.
386
00:18:35,080 --> 00:18:39,392
But... but, Kate, if you marry Florian,
his uncle will blame me
387
00:18:39,440 --> 00:18:41,954
and never license another of my plays.
388
00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:44,992
Hmm! It's not my problem, though, is it?
389
00:18:46,080 --> 00:18:50,039
Particularly since you won't let me
play Juliet, even though I'd be brilliant,
390
00:18:50,080 --> 00:18:52,196
and it's my dream.
391
00:18:52,240 --> 00:18:54,959
But, Kate, you know very well
that it is illegal
392
00:18:55,000 --> 00:18:57,434
for girls to do anything interesting.
393
00:18:57,480 --> 00:18:58,754
Thus...
394
00:18:58,800 --> 00:19:04,591
our only recourse is to marry, and if we
can marry rich, besotted idiots, then...
395
00:19:04,640 --> 00:19:05,755
all the better.
396
00:19:08,200 --> 00:19:10,236
Bottom, we have to stop this marriage.
397
00:19:10,280 --> 00:19:11,599
We must distract the boy!
398
00:19:11,640 --> 00:19:12,789
Well, that shouldn't be difficult.
399
00:19:12,840 --> 00:19:15,195
The randy little ponce
fancies anything in a skirt.
400
00:19:15,240 --> 00:19:16,992
That's right. Yes, of course.
401
00:19:17,040 --> 00:19:21,192
So... so all we need to do is find someone
in a skirt whom he definitely can't marry.
402
00:19:22,360 --> 00:19:24,191
Oh, my God, it's so obvious!
403
00:19:25,400 --> 00:19:27,994
Whoo-hoo, masters!
404
00:19:28,040 --> 00:19:30,474
See, here I am!
405
00:19:30,520 --> 00:19:34,718
Mistress Sauce Quickly,
a shy but biddable young maid,
406
00:19:34,760 --> 00:19:36,318
who is all ripe...
407
00:19:36,360 --> 00:19:38,316
and hot and drippy.
408
00:19:38,360 --> 00:19:39,429
Players!
409
00:19:57,920 --> 00:19:59,353
Well, Master Florian? What...
410
00:20:01,240 --> 00:20:03,037
What think you of Mistress Sauce Quickly?
411
00:20:03,080 --> 00:20:05,833
Does she not make
your loins tremble
412
00:20:05,880 --> 00:20:08,792
and your codpiece cry, "Woof, woof"?
413
00:20:08,840 --> 00:20:11,354
Are you blind?
She looks like a man in a dress!
414
00:20:11,400 --> 00:20:14,915
Besides, I am spoken for my Kate.
415
00:20:14,960 --> 00:20:18,077
Ah, but Kate be pure and chaste
till wed...
416
00:20:18,120 --> 00:20:21,749
while Mistress Sauce Quickly
doth promise the lot before dinner.
417
00:20:23,520 --> 00:20:25,033
Not a bad point, actually.
418
00:20:30,880 --> 00:20:32,279
Sweet, good night!
419
00:20:33,440 --> 00:20:37,911
This bud of love
by summer's ripening breath
420
00:20:37,960 --> 00:20:42,238
May prove a beauteous flower
when next we meet.
421
00:20:42,280 --> 00:20:43,679
Good night.
422
00:20:43,720 --> 00:20:45,119
Good night!
423
00:20:45,160 --> 00:20:47,071
As sweet repose and rest
424
00:20:47,120 --> 00:20:51,671
Come to thy heart
as that within my breast!
425
00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:03,152
Sorry, Mistress Sauce Quickly,
that does it. Kate's the one for me.
426
00:21:03,200 --> 00:21:05,714
I shall stand beneath Kate's balcony
427
00:21:05,760 --> 00:21:07,398
and strum my lute!
428
00:21:11,440 --> 00:21:14,193
If that's a figure of speech,
don't let the watchman catch you.
429
00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:19,552
Oh, well, in that case,
perhaps I'll just play her some music.
430
00:21:27,680 --> 00:21:31,719
I should be angry with you
for pinching my lines like that.
431
00:21:31,760 --> 00:21:33,193
But you did do them rather well.
432
00:21:33,240 --> 00:21:35,515
The verse is so beautiful.
433
00:21:36,560 --> 00:21:40,189
Look, Kate, crazy as it sounds,
434
00:21:40,240 --> 00:21:42,754
perhaps Juliet would be better played
by a girl.
435
00:21:43,880 --> 00:21:44,949
And so...
436
00:21:45,000 --> 00:21:48,197
If I were at some point to try,
and I only say "try",
437
00:21:48,240 --> 00:21:51,277
to help you become an actor,
438
00:21:51,320 --> 00:21:54,232
would you prefer that
to marrying a pervy posh boy?
439
00:21:54,280 --> 00:21:57,477
Oh, Mr Shakespeare, you know I would!
But...
440
00:21:57,520 --> 00:22:00,876
But I am promised now,
and that is binding in law.
441
00:22:00,920 --> 00:22:05,357
Well, then, we must come up with a plan
to get this boy to give you up.
442
00:22:05,400 --> 00:22:07,675
And I've got a corker.
443
00:22:07,720 --> 00:22:10,473
Even better than a middle-aged man
in lipstick?
444
00:22:10,520 --> 00:22:12,795
Yes. Even better than that.
445
00:22:25,360 --> 00:22:27,476
Good e'en, old apothecary.
446
00:22:27,520 --> 00:22:30,876
Good e'en, my master.
A dark night for business.
447
00:22:32,120 --> 00:22:34,714
Perhaps thy business be dark also?
448
00:22:34,760 --> 00:22:37,479
Yes, well, I... I suppose it is a bit.
449
00:22:37,520 --> 00:22:40,671
My... friend loves this girl...
450
00:22:40,720 --> 00:22:42,153
I see, my master.
451
00:22:42,200 --> 00:22:47,672
And this "friend" has a spotted cod-dangle
and a murky discharge?
452
00:22:47,720 --> 00:22:49,119
Not at all.
453
00:22:49,160 --> 00:22:52,914
You take bat spit and goat snot
and rub upon your...
454
00:22:52,960 --> 00:22:54,473
I mean, your friend's...
455
00:22:54,520 --> 00:22:56,670
Apothecary, I be not poxed.
456
00:22:56,720 --> 00:23:01,510
I just need a simple potion that will
render a person seemingly dead
457
00:23:01,560 --> 00:23:04,552
but from which they will fully recover
at the appropriate moment.
458
00:23:04,600 --> 00:23:07,068
Well, we have Play Dead.
459
00:23:07,120 --> 00:23:10,510
Or else you could buy my own brand of
the mixture, which is exactly the same
460
00:23:10,560 --> 00:23:12,630
but half the price.
461
00:23:12,680 --> 00:23:16,036
Hm, I... I think I'll stick to
the popular brand, thank you.
462
00:23:16,080 --> 00:23:19,550
I'm happy to pay a little more
for the nebulous sense of comfort
463
00:23:19,600 --> 00:23:21,397
that a public brand imbues.
464
00:23:26,560 --> 00:23:27,913
Master Florian!
465
00:23:27,960 --> 00:23:29,871
I come with a message
from your true love, Kate.
466
00:23:29,920 --> 00:23:32,957
Why, sirrah, if you speak Kate's words,
then you are her mouth.
467
00:23:33,000 --> 00:23:34,399
Er, not really.
468
00:23:34,440 --> 00:23:36,908
And so must I kiss thee.
469
00:23:36,960 --> 00:23:39,554
No, this is not consensual!
470
00:23:39,600 --> 00:23:41,113
Oh! Oh, urgh!
471
00:23:41,160 --> 00:23:42,229
God!
472
00:23:42,280 --> 00:23:44,714
Your breath doth stink
like you dine on dung.
473
00:23:44,760 --> 00:23:47,194
Deliver your message and be gone.
474
00:23:47,240 --> 00:23:50,437
Mistress Kate has gone
to the local chapel.
475
00:23:50,480 --> 00:23:53,517
Her countenance was dark and wild.
I fear some madness is come upon her.
476
00:23:53,560 --> 00:23:56,233
She called for you, master.
Hurry lest you be too late.
477
00:24:02,520 --> 00:24:05,910
Right, Kate, you swig the potion,
Florian finds you,
478
00:24:05,960 --> 00:24:08,349
thinks you dead
and breaks off the engagement.
479
00:24:08,400 --> 00:24:10,630
I can't see how it can possibly go wrong.
480
00:24:10,680 --> 00:24:14,150
Well, to play Juliet...
481
00:24:21,360 --> 00:24:23,157
But soft, he comes!
482
00:24:25,040 --> 00:24:26,792
Oh...
483
00:24:26,840 --> 00:24:29,274
So dark.
484
00:24:29,320 --> 00:24:30,389
I fear my love's not here,
485
00:24:30,440 --> 00:24:33,637
for surely her bright eyes
would be a lantern in the gloom.
486
00:24:33,680 --> 00:24:35,398
- Knob.
- Ssh!
487
00:24:35,440 --> 00:24:36,429
What's this?
488
00:24:37,760 --> 00:24:39,796
My Kate lies cold.
489
00:24:39,840 --> 00:24:40,989
Does she sleep?
490
00:24:43,960 --> 00:24:45,075
No, she is dead!
491
00:24:45,120 --> 00:24:47,634
Now will he say, "Oh, well, bad luck.
492
00:24:47,680 --> 00:24:49,989
"I'll just have to forget about her
and go to Cambridge."
493
00:24:50,040 --> 00:24:51,393
Poisoned.
494
00:24:52,440 --> 00:24:54,795
Dead from poison?
495
00:24:54,840 --> 00:24:55,829
Dead!
496
00:24:55,880 --> 00:24:59,793
"Oh, well, win some, lose some,
plenty more totty in Cambridge."
497
00:24:59,840 --> 00:25:04,072
If Kate be dead,
then Florian need not live.
498
00:25:04,120 --> 00:25:07,874
Perchance some trace of poison
does linger on her lips.
499
00:25:07,920 --> 00:25:09,990
A kiss and I will share her fate.
500
00:25:11,080 --> 00:25:12,433
Blimey.
501
00:25:12,480 --> 00:25:14,391
He's taking it a bit harder
than I expected.
502
00:25:14,440 --> 00:25:17,273
And yet no friendly drop remains.
503
00:25:18,480 --> 00:25:21,040
Perchance she did brush her teeth
504
00:25:21,080 --> 00:25:22,593
and then gargle after drinking it.
505
00:25:24,160 --> 00:25:26,276
Thus...
506
00:25:26,320 --> 00:25:28,993
with a dagger I die!
507
00:25:29,040 --> 00:25:30,917
No, no! She... she be not dead!
508
00:25:30,960 --> 00:25:34,316
The potion only made her seem dead.
She'll wake up any second!
509
00:25:34,360 --> 00:25:36,351
Bolingbrokes!
510
00:25:40,240 --> 00:25:41,559
He dies.
511
00:25:43,720 --> 00:25:46,359
Now cracks a noble heart!
512
00:25:48,680 --> 00:25:50,796
Good night, sweet idiot.
513
00:25:53,120 --> 00:25:55,156
Thy heart was big,
514
00:25:55,200 --> 00:25:57,430
thy brain... tiny.
515
00:25:58,680 --> 00:26:00,591
Soft! I wake.
516
00:26:00,640 --> 00:26:02,153
Did the plan work?
517
00:26:02,200 --> 00:26:04,998
Did Florian find my still body,
think me dead
518
00:26:05,040 --> 00:26:06,837
and depart for Cambridge with a shrug?
519
00:26:06,880 --> 00:26:09,235
Well, two out of three ain't bad.
520
00:26:10,720 --> 00:26:14,349
Right, good. Don't panic,
we can deal with this.
521
00:26:14,400 --> 00:26:17,631
We just need another brilliant plan.
522
00:26:17,680 --> 00:26:19,432
Welcome, Master Greene,
523
00:26:19,480 --> 00:26:22,358
to young Florian's farewell feast.
524
00:26:22,400 --> 00:26:26,313
Burbage and his company
and Mistress Sauce Quickly have joined us
525
00:26:26,360 --> 00:26:28,157
to make of it a merry evening.
526
00:26:28,200 --> 00:26:29,315
Excellent, excellent.
527
00:26:29,360 --> 00:26:31,749
Come, Florian, embrace your uncle!
528
00:26:35,800 --> 00:26:37,074
He looks half dead.
529
00:26:38,680 --> 00:26:40,352
He is, Master Greene. He is.
530
00:26:40,400 --> 00:26:43,790
I did a bit of serious roistering
with young Flozza last night.
531
00:26:43,840 --> 00:26:46,354
Buckets of oysters, barrels of ale!
532
00:26:48,720 --> 00:26:49,709
Come, sirrah, your hand.
533
00:26:51,440 --> 00:26:52,839
Good lad.
534
00:26:52,880 --> 00:26:57,476
Cold, stiff, unbending -
just as a gentleman should be.
535
00:27:00,720 --> 00:27:03,757
- Dinner is served, my masters.
- Shall we?
536
00:27:03,800 --> 00:27:07,236
So I said to Johnny Heminges -
lovely actor, sweet, sweet man -
537
00:27:07,280 --> 00:27:10,670
I said to Johnny, "Have you ever
played Gammer Gurton's Needle"?
538
00:27:10,720 --> 00:27:15,350
He said, "I've played Gammer Gurton,
ducky, but the needle came from props!"
539
00:27:21,320 --> 00:27:22,514
Brilliant, Burbage!
540
00:27:22,560 --> 00:27:25,120
I always say there's nothing
more fascinating
541
00:27:25,160 --> 00:27:27,310
than actors talking about themselves!
542
00:27:29,000 --> 00:27:30,228
Tell us more!
543
00:27:30,280 --> 00:27:34,034
What about Florian?
Thou hast not touched thy food.
544
00:27:34,080 --> 00:27:37,390
Posh boys must quaff and gorge
whilst others starve.
545
00:27:38,480 --> 00:27:40,835
Can't keep this up much longer.
Let's go for it.
546
00:27:40,880 --> 00:27:44,270
Tell me, Florian, have you seen anything
of the fair Rosaline
547
00:27:44,320 --> 00:27:46,390
who once you did love so well?
548
00:27:46,440 --> 00:27:48,795
Rosaline? Who is Rosaline?!
549
00:27:48,840 --> 00:27:51,274
You said you loved me! Your Kate!
550
00:27:51,320 --> 00:27:55,393
Kate? Love Kate?
Thou said thou didst love me!
551
00:27:55,440 --> 00:27:57,032
Your Mistress Sauce Quickly.
552
00:27:58,640 --> 00:28:03,475
Bravo, lad! I see you've been roistering,
as a varsity man should.
553
00:28:03,520 --> 00:28:05,112
And, Master Shakespeare,
554
00:28:05,160 --> 00:28:11,872
it seems you have cured my nephew
of all silly notions of romance.
555
00:28:11,920 --> 00:28:13,911
Well, yes, I think
you could say we've done that.
556
00:28:15,720 --> 00:28:17,790
Bra-vo.
557
00:28:26,120 --> 00:28:27,712
But look now, what's this?
558
00:28:29,240 --> 00:28:33,597
Why, he's passed out in his plate.
You'd think he was at Cambridge already!
559
00:28:40,120 --> 00:28:42,998
We took him to Cambridge,
where, not surprisingly,
560
00:28:43,040 --> 00:28:45,031
they found him cold, unco-operative
561
00:28:45,080 --> 00:28:47,958
and expecting advancement
without effort or talent.
562
00:28:50,240 --> 00:28:53,710
In short, a perfect member
of the English Establishment.
563
00:28:53,760 --> 00:28:56,638
Although he will have decomposed
long before he graduates,
564
00:28:56,680 --> 00:28:58,750
I imagine he'll get a first.
565
00:29:00,400 --> 00:29:02,152
Amazing tale, Husband.
566
00:29:02,200 --> 00:29:06,432
Particularly the bit about the maid
drugging herself in a tomb,
567
00:29:06,480 --> 00:29:12,032
only for her young lover to think her dead
and killing himself before she wakes up.
568
00:29:12,080 --> 00:29:13,593
Yes.
569
00:29:13,640 --> 00:29:16,757
If only I could think of an ending
for my play as easily.
570
00:29:19,000 --> 00:29:24,000
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll