Cleaver!
Ed?
To Scarlet, the first great love of my life.
I only hope that David will treat you well.
Rake!
As you know, Mr Thompson is wanted on 126 separate charges,
ranging form murder to drug dealing, weapons smuggling,
extortion and bribing public officials.
Everything on that phone went viral, except any mention of me.
I need you to get me bail, Cleaver.
Probably fairly brief life behind bars if I don't cooperate
and certain death if I do.
"The night is shattered
"The blue stars shiver in the distance..."
Oh, shit.
- Drive! - Where?
Just drive! Drive, drive.
♪ Now thank we all our God
♪ With hearts and hands and voices
♪ Who wondrous things hath done
♪ In whom His world rejoices
♪ Who from our mothers' arms
♪ Hath blest us on our way... ♪
I know one of them's... one of them's all the wet, isn't it?
Yes, that's right.
The other one's this one, whatever that is.
- Lovely sermon, Stanley. - Oh, thank you Lorraine.
Murray, how are you?
Oh, tickety-boo, thanks, Lorraine.
How's the book coming along, Murray?
Oh well it's...
You know, some days are more productive than others,
but that's... that's the life of a writer, Charles.
I heard it was a murder mystery.
Ooh, I love a good murder mystery.
You were a lawyer, weren't you, Murray?
Oh, well, I was a garden variety suburban conveyancer.
There's not much murder around in my field.
Look, my sister's selling a place. She's looking for a solicitor.
- Maybe I could mention you... - Very kind, Stan, but I'm...
I'm actually really trying to focus on the book at the moment.
I've got to be very mono-focus.
Oh, a very serious matter, writing a book.
Bye-bye, Murray!
Cheerio, Doreen!
Hello, Murray.
Good morning, Sylvia.
Fuck me.
She's gorgeous!
Check this one out.
Not that one, not that one, not that one, not that one.
How pretty is she in that bonnet?
How old is she now, Tons?
Four weeks. She's a good girl.
She gets a little yappy at night, but.
And that dick Brian from across the road starts going spastic.
Yeah, Brian's an arsehole.
So then I bring her inside and Denis says he doesn't want her on the bed.
The bugger didn't really want a dog in the first place, you know.
So I said to him, "Until Kimmy can sleep with both of us,
"you're not gettin' any, pal."
Next night, Kimmy's up on the bed with us, watching Miss Fisher.
What a story! It's got everything.
It's the feelgood story of our time.
And the ending, when the three of you are on the bed together...
.. it's...
And what's amazing is even though
I've only been waiting here for 10 minutes, it feels like two hours,
and that's the magic of your storytelling.
That's your great gift.
Every time you open your mouth,
it feels like time expands, infinitely.
And it makes me think of Denis and how lucky he is,
because after 15 years of marriage to you
he must feel like he has lived for centuries!
He must feel like he has been alive forever!
- Mustn't keep you, Janey. - That's 42.50, thanks, Tons.
Where's my wallet?
Hope I'm not keeping you, Murray.
Time is infinite and cares are short-lived, Tonia.
Oh, how lovely.
Oh.
Darling, you home?
Fuzz?
Who's there?
Oh, anything but this.
Come on, you bastards.
.. with pedigree ram semen...
Or that!
The Bundina River is expected to peak at six metres
following the heavy rain right up until Friday.
Oh, you sonofabitch!
It was a very moving piece.
So, Rose, who's on Australian Story tonight?
Tonight, Mack, we are telling the story of Barney Meagher.
Ah, the balloon hero.
There's an epic journey if ever there was one.
It's extremely heart-warming.
Barney Meagher found courage on a day he never expected to find it.
It's amazing the way ordinary people find courage.
Yes, Mack, it is a truly fascinating story.
I don't want to spoil the...
Oh, come on!
Fuck.
Come on, you... Come on, you fucking fucker!
You monumental cock!
Oh, yes!
Oh, yeah, you don't like that, do ya?
Oh, yeah, you bastard!
Oh, shit.
- Doc? - Hey.
Hello? Doc... Doc, don't hang up.
- Don't hang up! I got ya. - Hello?
I got ya.
Don't hang...
Don't hang up. Hello?
- Hello? - Hello, hello!
Yes? Yes?
Hi. Murray, how are you?
Yes, I am officially going fucking stir crazy.
I just committed radiocide.
What's up?
- We had another break-in. - Oh, God.
Did they leave another note?
No, I think it was just Ed's way of saying, "I'm thinking of you."
But there was another lawyer found hanging in an attic.
Fuck!
OK, Wendy, can you just get yourself in a car
and put Fuzz in the boot if need be and come up here until it blows over?
Cleave... Sorry, Murray,
if they wanted to do something to us they would have by now.
It's been four months.
Yeah, well, I think that's because Ed always fancied you.
In fact, I know he did.
Hey, did you know that Barney's
going to be on Australian Story tonight?
- Yeah, I heard. - Have you been in touch with him?
Yeah, well once or twice.
I mean, fuck, I'll go mental otherwise.
I only get to speak to you once a week.
OK. Can you tell me that you haven't done something stupid?
I mean, have you...
.. have you done or said anything that Cleaver would do or say?
No. And it's doing my head in.
I can't ignore my every natural instinct much longer.
Are you sure the cops are still a no go?
Yes, I'm sure!
It might as well be Ed's private army.
- Doc? - Hello?
Doc?
Hello?
Fuck! Oh, Doc! Oh, you piece of fucking...
I'm not here to defend Edgar Thompson.
Last thing I want to do.
But I am here to defend justice, and it's too little...
It's just too little.
I'm Cal McGregor
and it's, uh... and it's time to cross to Scotty for a sports update.
And we're out.
Oh, not... not this!
Not this!
Oh, fuck!
I told you months ago that ute wouldn't last very long, Murray.
I loved it well, but not too wisely.
I'll give you a ride.
How you going, Alli?
Hey.
That's not the problem, Hilly, and you know it.
The problem is the leaking.
OK, let me be crystal clear with you.
If a word of this appears online
before seven this evening, you will be fired.
Davey.
Davey? Since when Davey?
I saw you in the House today, mate. Strong bloody stuff.
Poor old Ed Thompson must be shaking in his boots.
They send you to warn me off?
Well, I volunteered.
Now, I know you won't believe this,
but I've got a soft spot for you, Davey.
I think you're a lame duck
and you're about as interesting as dinner with the ex-in-laws,
but I do admire your pointless tenacity.
So, stop attacking Ed Thompson.
- It will not end well. - How do you know?
Because nothing involving Thommo ends well.
This entire process has been a farce.
Three judges have recused themselves from hearing Thompson's trial.
Your mate Casswell has seen to it
there's been no progress in this case whatsoever.
Hey! Your blokes aren't all cleanskins.
If that's true, they won't be MPs for much longer.
I am not fucking around here, Davey.
Why are you doing this?
Because, as the hangman said to the client,
I'd rather have my job than yours.
I hope tea's alright.
You wouldn't happen to have something stronger?
Uh, no, I'm afraid those days are long past.
Since the cancer, I'm trying to live well.
- Mmm. - Although it mightn't look that way.
It looks a lot better than when Judith's here.
Then it's just chaos.
She's a real artist. You haven't met Judith, have you?
Uh, no. She's, uh... she's a friend of a friend.
How's your book coming along?
Oh, you know.
Have you spoken to your kids recently?
Ah, yeah, yes, about a week or so ago.
The time difference with London's a real pain in the neck at the moment.
You've got three, right?
- Yep. - What are their names again?
Adam, Max and Zoe.
Oh, that's right. You guys Jewish?
No, why?
Well, none of those names sound necessarily Jewish on their own,
but you put them together and they sound kinda Jewish.
Ah, yeah. No, no Jewishness.
Do you want some?
Oh, no, drugs have... never been my thing.
Ha, Simon pure and Simon simple, eh?
Mm-hm. Pretty much.
So, what about the guy your wife left you for? Is he another lawyer?
What's with all the questions, Sarah Ferguson?
Well, you're a bit of a mystery man.
Everyone's speculating about 'poor Murray'.
Poor Murray? Is that what they call me?
Poor Murray?
Well, you know, the cancer and everything.
There's nothing to speculate about, alright?
There's nothing to see here. Very dull.
It's just an ordinary suburban story.
Marriage, work, divorce, illness,
breakdown, self-publish a book.
- That can't be all there is to you. - That's all there is.
Are you a spy?
One of those sleeper cells who's going to kill us all one night?
You really don't strike me as being in any way suburban.
Did you say something about needing to get back to your dad's?
No? Why?
Do you want to get rid of me?
No, no, I don't want to get rid of you.
Hey, I need to pee.
- It's outside, right? - Yeah, there's... there's a trick.
Whistle. For the...
I grew up around here. I know how to deal with snakes.
Shit.
Oh, shit!
Oh!
- What happened? - No I just...
Oh, I stood up and knocked over the bloody tea into your...
Oh, right on top of your... drugs. Sorry.
Oh, that's cool. I've got more.
Do you feel like pizza?
Tonight, the incredible story
of Barney Meagher...
This is all there is.
.. the man who survived the odds in a runaway balloon,
who landed a hero and has taken the world by storm.
That's tonight on Australian Story.
Look, we don't have to watch it.
No, we're watching it.
No, I don't want to watch it.
- Yeah, right. - Listen to me.
We're not watching it. I wish I'd never said yes.
Yet somehow you did and I cannot wait to hear what you have to say.
Look, I thought we were through this.
The last few months have been fine. They've been good, right?
Oh, we're not watching it.
OK.
I'm sure Scarlet will tape it anyway.
Oh, for God's sake, I told you,
I spent the better part of an hour talking about you.
Oh, well, let's hope that the batteries didn't die.
You were asked to be in it.
You could have been in it. They wanted you in it.
Mama!
That's tonight on Australian Story.
Do you like Australian Story?
Oh, no. Oh, no.
Actually, I... I find it really, um...
It makes me cry.
Do we have to? I find it really emotionally manipulative, sort of.
Murray, it's half an hour.
Please?
Oh, God. Do not...
Do not... do it.
Good evening and welcome to Australian Story. I'm Tony Jones.
Four months ago, Barney Meagher was an unknown Sydney lawyer.
But then a present of a hot-air balloon ride
changed his life forever.
Having staved off near certain death on two fronts,
Barney became an instant celebrity,
an unlikely media hot spot both at home and internationally.
In a single moment, his life changed irrevocably.
This is his story.
Mama, it's on!
Well, the three days that Barney was in the balloon was a nightmare.
Well, the kids thought it was cool at first,
but after 24 hours they were really worried.
It was a big relief when he came home.
And he said, "I'm no hero,
"I'm just a man who froze his arse off in a basket."
Oh, but now he's...
.. well, he's famous.
He's written a bestseller.
Doesn't matter what you're watching now, he seems to be there.
But Barney's still basically Barney.
I wasn't into relationships per se,
but we still saw a fair bit of each other over the years.
I pretty much fell in love with her the moment I laid eyes on her.
She was the most beautiful thing that I'd ever seen,
but I wasn't in her orbit then.
We had mutual friends from uni... including Cleaver Greene.
I was studious. I did well.
Cleaver never studied. He did well.
We've been working together ever since we graduated.
Just gonna zip out and, um... strain the potatoes.
Yeah, a lot of us back then were,
well, how do I put it?
Into ourselves.
- Murray? - G'day, Barn.
I didn't expect to be hearing from you, Murray.
Ah, mate, I'm just watching
your Australian Story on the telly.
Very exciting. It's a ripper, I tell ya.
Yeah, I was... I...
.. telling Maria today I was really looking forward to it.
- Maria? - Yes, Maria.
You... remem... you remember Maria?
Ah, yeah, mate, can I call you back once the show's over?
OK great. Thank you, Barney!
Can I have your mum's phone?
.. from all the guys I'd dated.
It's Cleaver.
Mama!
Barnyard, what the fuck!
Is this the Australian Story thing?
Yes, it's the Australian Story thing!
Cleave, everyone knows you and I have been mates for 30 years,
including Edgar Thompson.
So it'd be weird if I didn't mention you.
Mate, it's not the mention. It's not... It's the photos!
Why would you give them photos?
Because they asked for them. Anyway, why wouldn't I?
Because 11 out of the 13 people who live in this town
are inexplicably addicted to the ABC, OK?
That's all they ever talk about.
Phryne Fisher's Doctor Blakey fuckin' Murder bullshit,
and Australian fucking Story.
I'm meant to be in hiding
and they are currently watching me on the telly.
Oh, right. Oh, sorry.
You are so busy out there whooping it up with Hamish and Andy
and fuckin' Kyle and Kochie and Karl and all of your celebrity pals,
I can't open a magazine these days without seeing your mush on it.
You've become a whore.
You wanna know why I've turned into a whore, Cleave?
I didn't want to tell you this until you were back safe.
But three months ago, I got a bill for the rescue for the balloon
from the Australian and New Zealand navies.
$1.2 million, Cleave.
Jesus.
And that was after negotiating them down from 1.8!
So I have to promote my book and make paid appearances
whenever I can.
I honestly look forward to your safe return, Cleave,
so you can start paying off the 600 grand that is your share.
.. embrace it with passion and joy.
Has my stuff about you been on yet?
To Scarlet, the first great love of my life.
I only wish I'd had more understanding of who we were,
and who we would become.
That night you spent with Cleaver made me want to die.
I only hope... that David will treat you well
and you find the happiness you deserve.
I honestly thought I was a goner, but then a few days after
I got home post-balloon, I went and saw my oncologist
and he did the usual tests
and they came back negative, as in no traces of cancer.
So, he thought, "Well, this can't be right,"
and he did the tests again and the same result.
My cancer wasn't in remission, it was gone.
- That's amazing. - Mmm.
This is Adam, this is Zoe and this is Max.
They're your kids' names.
The unbelievable coincidence!
- Yes. - Amazing.
Barney's book, Up, Up and Away...
You sure they didn't play the bit I said about you
while I was on the phone?
.. is still the nation's number one bestseller...
Yep.
Babe, I have no control over the editing.
Uh-huh.
Look, I will get the raw footage from them.
I will do that first thing.
They misspelled his name.
What? Whose name?
Ha! Our son's name!
It is not Ian, I-A-N, it is Iain, I-A-I-N.
The only mention of our child in your little story
was on a card and it was misspelled!
Babe, I filled in a form...
And I am referred to, lovingly, I am sure,
as your 'current partner'.
Babe, you refused to be on the show.
These people need vision, hence the word 'television', right?
Yeah, I refused to be on the show because I value our privacy.
Well, you can't have it both ways.
You can't value your privacy and expect to be a star.
Oh, God. Listen, Barney.
You are not a star.
You sat in a basket.
That, uh...
.. that Barney seemed like a nice guy, didn't he?
Oh, yeah.
What about that Cleaver... Cleaver Greene fella?
He seemed like a bit of a character, didn't he?
From what they said on the show, he sounded like a total dick.
- Did he? - Mmm.
You sure you don't want to try some?
Do you think it is medicinal?
I mean, you know how they're talking about how it's all medicinal?
Yeah. Oh, definitely. No doubt about it.
- Really? - Yeah.
Maybe just a little go.
Hey, hey, watch it there, kemosabe.
You've gotta learn to walk before you can run. That's strong stuff.
Ooh! Ah!
Ooh!
I'm Oscar Summons! I'm Oscar Summons.
I'm your Greens candidate for the Senate in the next federal election.
Ah!
What's up?
Didn't you say you had testicular cancer?
Yeah.
There are two balls down there.
I thought you'd lost one.
Yes... yes that's... an implant.
- They put in an implant? - Yeah.
Why? What is that? Is that, like, a cosmetic thing?
- Are you that vain? - No.
That's...
.. so I can keep my balance.
What?
Melissa! Melissa, how are you feeling, Melissa? Melissa!
Once the darling of the Sydney social set,
Melissa Partridge returned home today
with her tail firmly between her legs,
deported from the United States
having been discovered in possession of cocaine outside an LA nightclub.
The former prostitute and author of two bestsellers
has recently been garnering unwelcome headlines.
She and now ex-boyfriend Hollywood bad boy Lyle Jeffrey
have recently been observed on three occasions brawling in public.
Your call could not be connected.
Please check the number and try again.
Your call could not be connected.
Please check the number and try again.
Turn it over.
You need a new battery.
Ohh!
I'll call George. He'll come right out.
OK, maybe I should call George.
Right, of course.
Oh, it's just... you know...
Listen, I don't want the world to know about us either.
My ex is from Mayford. It's like the Capulets and the Montagues.
I gotta be on my best behaviour.
Or what?
Oh, Neil is into what he calls counterculture.
- Counterculture? - Mmm.
What I call getting pissed and beating me up.
Ahh.
The jealous type.
So... even though he tries to screw anything with a pulse.
I'm just texting you George's number.
Mm-hm.
There you go.
Well, see ya, Mr Greene.
See ya.
Don't worry, I didn't notice until you took your glasses off in bed.
I won't tell a soul, promise.
I won't even ask why you're here.
No, but you'll Google me when you get home.
There's a very, very bad guy I used to know
who would like to kill me.
Do you remember that thing you used to...
.. you used to do with your belt?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, what the hell?
I've never seen a battery fried like this before.
Well, they don't make 'em like they used to, do they, George?
Yes, Murray, yes, yes. I don't know what's going on.
43 years, mate, I've never seen anything like this.
Well, I guess we'll wait on the autopsy results.
What's the damage there, mate?
Ah, 245.
245? Holy shit, that seems a bit steep.
So, you see Australian Story last night?
Yeah. Yes.
Bloody amazing, wasn't it?
Yeah, incredible.
So, um, Alli gave you my number?
- Beg your pardon? - Alli Franklin.
No, I don't know how you got that idea.
No, no. I think I just, um... I Googled George, mechanic, Mayford.
Ah, right. OK.
Why... Why do you ask?
Oh, it's just that Don Schultz drove by here yesterday
and he said he saw you two chatting.
Did he? Oh, it's a small town, isn't it?
Yeah. Well, he... yes, he did.
Well, I guess she ran you home.
Yeah, she ran me home and then we...
.. we had a cup of tea and then she... she hit the old frog and toad.
- Really? - Yeah, why?
Well, it's just that Suse and I,
we went round to her dad's place last night
and we never saw hide nor hair of her.
Oh, well, when I say cuppa, I meant... like, the whole pot and,
um... of tea,
and then we had some pizza and... I don't know,
time just flew by.
Pretty lass, hey?
Is she?
Yeah, I suppose she's... I mean, she's very...
She's a very pleasant person, and very strong Christian values.
- Bastard of an ex. - Yeah, apparently so.
Listen, it's 240? Just take 250,mate.
- We'll call it. - Alright.
- That's... - Thank you.
.. all good.
I think about it almost every night.
About what?
The way you used to tie my hands together with your belt and fuck me.
I don't have a belt with me.
I can get you a belt.
I would love it if you could get me a belt!
- He's here! - Hey, comrades.
Thank you.
Thanks.
Look, I don't want to take up too much of your time.
I know how awful this part of the process can be.
There was just one or two things that I'd like to say.
Why should we listen to you?
- Sorry? - Why should we listen to you?
Would you shut up and let him speak?
Why?
What has he done that confers on him control of this room, huh?
What insights does he have to give to us that we don't know already?
How to hire a hot-air balloon?
No, wait, that... that was his pal.
No, he got cancer, he sat in a basket and then he was rescued
and his cancer disappeared.
Did he find a cure that the rest of us can use?
Fuck, no.
Is this what we're looking to for salvation, people?
Is this what celebrity has come to?
You know, get sick, do nothing and we'll make you a star.
I have absolutely no interest in anything you have to say, sir,
but I can't speak for the rest of the people in this room.
So why don't you just belt out a few of your greatest hits
and then piss off?
Yeah, like I said, I don't want to take up too much of your time.
So I just wanted to wish you all the very best.
I really do.
So, it's like parallel universes.
How's that?
Well, I was the 'it' girl last year, but you're the 'it' guy this year.
I've noticed you've been having a bit of a tricky time.
It's been really surreal, Barney.
At first I thought that Lyle was just dark and complicated,
but... turns out he was just a bully.
You OK?
Where's Cleaver?
I don't know.
No-one wants to talk to me all of a sudden.
I need to see him.
I can't help you. He's in hiding.
I have no idea where he is.
- Well, you must have a number. - I don't.
- Come on, buddy. - Miss, he's in hiding.
Just give me a number. Give me your phone.
- I don't have a number. - Bullshit!
Bullshit! He loves me, you know.
He fucking worships me. He would wanna know that I was back.
All he has to do is turn on the news to know that.
Don't you play fucking games with me.
Why are you so determined to keep us apart?
I'm not. Miss, you're not well.
Oh, really? I'm fucked, Barney.
I am completely fucked.
That's why I need to see Cleaver.
- You need help. - I need Cleaver!
Oh, no, Barney, don't go, please!
Please, I beg you. Please don't go.
I need help. You're right, I need help.
Do you really not know where Cleaver is?
I don't know where he is.
Then maybe you can help me.
I'll do what I can.
I just need a connection.
Just to get me through the next couple of days.
That's all and then that's it.
I just need a little assistance, and then I promise
I am gonna straighten up and I am going to fly right, I promise.
You're a criminal lawyer. You must know someone.
Don't tell me it's ice.
No! It's just coke! Jesus!
I just need a couple of lines. What's the big fucking deal?
I need a number.
Please? Pretty please?
Miss, no. That's the last thing...
Oh, well, fuck off, then, you dickhead!
Miss!
You've never been anything but a fat fucking loser, Barney!
Oh, God!
- Hi, Doc. - Hey. How you going?
Oh, yeah, fine. You know... Yeah, fine.
I, um... I attacked a Greens senate candidate.
Not all eyes will weep for you.
What do you mean?
What do you mean, what do I mean?
Oh, you sound weird. Have you done something stupid? Have you been you?
What? No. God no.
Oh, my God. What have you done?
Thank you!
Adam and Zoe are both at sleepovers.
Max is here.
Max is the one I'm most afraid of.
Brilliant as I am,
I got him the new edition of the World of the Warcraft.
The Game of the War.
Game... Oh, I got him some fucking war game.
So we won't see him for at least three years.
Come on.
How's that?
It's nice.
I like nice things.
Do you know how many pairs of shoes I have in LA, Barney?
No, Miss.
Gotta be... 150.
Gotta be.
Every time I buy a pair of shoes, I think about the needy
and the poor people.
And how the money I spend on shoes
could contribute to a village in Africa or something.
I think about that for about three seconds,
and then I buy the shoes.
Just rest.
Hey, babe, can you call me back?
I need some help with something. It's important.
It's like a bad Coke commercial.
What are you talking about? It's really...
Oh, yeah?
- Oh, God! - Cleaver! Cleaver!
You scared the shit out of me! What are you doing here?
We can't risk this, OK?
George was sticking his nose in this morning.
It's too late. Everybody knows about us.
What do you mean, everybody knows about us?
Where's the corkscrew?
The guy drove past.
It was a drive-by. He saw us chatting.
Is that all it takes for people to assume
you're having sex in this town?
It's all it takes to get tongues wagging around here, I'm afraid.
They can't be sure. They don't know, do they?
It's just gossip.
It's irresponsible gossip that just happens to be accurate.
We could analyse this all night,
or we could take a couple of joints and a bottle of wine to bed.
Well, that's quite a conundrum there.
Do you want dinner or not?
You know me. I want it all.
Well, you can't have it all tonight.
Well, you can have it all on the weekend when Barney takes the kids,
but tonight, it's just smooching in the kitchen... and a bit of pasta.
- Arghh! - Stop it! Dammit! Stop it!
Stop it! Shit.
Judith?
Alli?
Am I crazy?
But, you know, with all the art in here,
I thought she might have been an Aboriginal lady.
Ahh.
They're really beautiful works, Judith.
Aren't they?
I always find the Kimberley such an inspiration.
It's my Dreaming.
Is it?
Yeah.
- Oh... Oh, shit! - Oh, God! Ohh!
Just hold it up. Hold it... Hold it up.
- Just... Argh. - Ohh!
- Just hold it. - Oh...
Max!
It's alright.
Max, it's not what it looks like, alright?
We're not bad people, you know.
So is there any way we can start again?
Reboot? Start from an agreed minimal position that we're not bad people?
From day one, I felt like Scarlet's understudy.
I felt like our relationship is the result of desperation,
not happiness, on both our parts.
And I know that I'm overreacting to all of this balloon bullshit,
but every moment since you were rescued
has confirmed my worst fears.
I don't know if I can do this, Barney.
It's starting to feel more wrong than right.
- It's gonna be OK. - Let me go!
Mummy's going to be alright. It's just a small cut.
- Let me go! - Would you stop...
- Let me go! - .. struggling? Max!
Stop touching me!
Just calm down.
NO!
So where are you off to next?
I'm in no hurry. This last trip was so intense.
The land just spoke to me.
Right.
Judith, if I may be so bold, uh... where are you planning on staying?
Well, don't be silly. This is my home.
Yes, which you have leased to me,
fully paid in advance, for six months.
If there's any confusion, I still have two months left.
Murray, let's not let legal mumbo jumbo stand in our way, pet.
Yes, it's not actually mumbo jumbo. It's very straightforward.
Um, you have rented your house to me for money.
I am the occupant.
I get to decide who comes through the door and how long they stay.
But, darling, I'm not kicking you out.
I think we'll be very happy here together.
No, we won't, Judith, I promise you.
Do you have a copy of the lease on you?
Well, you know there's no lease.
It was a cash up front deal.
Yes, I was curious about that, Murray.
In my experience, cash up front usually means
you don't want any recorded evidence of your stay, hmm?
You may have the sofa.
I need to piss Niagarishly.
Oh, don't worry, Alli. You can rely on my discretion.
But if this is any more than 24 hours old,
everyone around here will know anyway.
Oh, so she's an Aborigine? She's from fucking Knightsbridge.
She taught Maggie Thatcher how to pronounce her vowels.
She got my fucking cash, and she's got me by the balls!
Oh, Cleaver, relax. The woman's a total fraud.
Call her bluff.
What do you mean?
Everyone round here knows it.
Oh, well, everyone around here seems to know everything.
Mayford appears to be the blessed
fucking vortex of universal knowledge.
What are the traditional telltale signs of a painter?
Well, for me, it's paintings.
Yeah, but can you see any easels?
Or brushes? Paint on the floor?
There's not a blank canvas in this room. They're all finished works.
Oh, other people's finished works?
Oh, so she's heading out west
and conning real Aboriginal artists out of their work?
Yep. Signing them and then sells them as her own.
Oh, the evil cow.
Oh, let her try and kick me out of here.
I will see her in court.
Alli! Alli! Look what you made me do!
Where is she? Huh?
I don't know.
That wasn't her, that was Judith! Where's my wife?
I don't know, mate. I don't know where she is.
Don't blame me. You can't blame me.
I had no fuckin' choice.
Just put the gun down. We can talk about it.
She comes here, disrespecting herself with you!
Disrespecting me!
- It didn't have to be like this. - No.
It didn't have to be like this.
If you hadn't have got pissed every night,
beaten the crap out of that beautiful girl,
it wouldn't have been like this, you pathetic fuck.
ARGGH!
So...
So.
Now we... we call the cops.
Don't know what Henry's thinking, Ray.
Henry's a fuckin' dolt. Thicker than a whale sandwich, you know?
Why are they still here?
And why do you keep topping them up?
Because that's what you do.
Yeah, but, I mean, they've hauled Neil off.
Judith's on her way to the morgue.
What's with all the party lights?
Oh, what a terrible business. You alright, sweetheart?
Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine.
Oh, Tonia.
- What about you, Murray? - Fine, Stanley, yes. All good.
- I came as soon as I heard. - I'll pop the kettle on, shall I?
Yeah, that'd be good.
Ah, George.
What about some wine?
What time did the last ones leave?
5:30.
Holy shit. Where did all that Scotch come from?
Charles had a case of it in his car. Always does.
My first-ever mid-Mayford murder mystery party.
- I'm scared now. - Why?
My force-fields are down.
You can't stay.
No, I can't stay.
You could... come with me.
I really liked Murray Rose.
Eh?
Cleaver Greene, he scares me.
The chaos. I can't deal with chaos right now.
I'd better get Dad home.
Oh, come on, you fuckin' thing.
Good morning, Mr Greene. It's a pleasure to finally meet you.
Let go!
We'll be needing two glasses.
Oh my god!
Oh, just after I caved in entirely on Thompson.
She's mine. You understand?
You keep your hands off him.
To allegations of deeds most found.
You were in Columbia.
It's so good to see you.
- Guys. - You better take your shoes off.
Mum's new rule in the house.