So, um, where did the idea come from, then?
Making A Christmas Carol, why?
It came from Charles Dickens.
He put the groundwork in.
And I've just tied up a few loose ends and put a couple of jokes in.
I'm the Ghost of Christmas Present.
I'm up to the minute,
which is why they're making me look like Russell Brand.
Who is the definition of up to the minute.
But I seem to be talking about, like, uh,
Colin and Justin at the jungle.
So, um, you know it's a collision of two up-to-date iconic figures...
- Sorry to interrupt, I've got... - Yeah?
I've got a new business. Haven't you heard?
- Have you? What's your new business? - Yeah.
Yeah. I'm, um...
Pilates teacher.
Oh, how's it going?
Yeah, I think I've overstretched myself.
Yeah.
I think they're calling...
Ripped By mstoll
So, what you say is, "I've got a new business."
Yeah.
And then I'll say, "What's your new business?"
You'll tell me what your new business is.
I'll ask you how your new business is going
and then you will say something amusing relating to the new business.
Shall I give an example?
It's not a great example.
It's just a very linear shit example.
I've got a new business, Josh.
- What's your new business? - I'm making glass.
- Glass? How's business? - Yeah.
I am shattered.
OK? OK?
He's got a new business.
- I've got a new business. - What's your business?
Uh, Toyah Wilcox impersonator.
A Toyah Wilcox impersonator? How's business?
Well, it's going really well and why, it's a mystery.
- Aye! - Aye, yeah.
- Oh, look, they're all at it! - Oh!
- What's your new business? - I'm running a cobblers!
You're running a cobblers? How's business?
Not great, it's got no soul.
Oh, I like it!
Now the game is I've got a new business.
Then someone asks, "What's your new business?"
You say what your business is, then someone else asks,
"How's your business?"
And you reply something funny relating to your business.
Just a little bit of homework.
DVD extras, it saves, you know, doing a documentary.
- I've got a new business. - Seriously?
- Mmm, yeah. - What's your new business?
I'm designing and building yoyos.
Really? How's business?
- Up and down. There we go. - There we go!
Hello! Oh, I love this... It's like being Kilroy, go on.
Who's got a question?
Oh, look... I love it, honestly, I do.
You know, I'd really like to read the news or something. Go on.
I wanna know if you ever found the ATM in Gatwick Airport
when you asked me where it was.
- Did I? - Yeah.
Oh!
And I didn't realise it was you until you'd gone
and I wanted to say how great you were.
- And you were gone. - Aw!
- And then I was gone? - Yeah.
Now, for anyone who didn't hear that, apparently I asked this man here,
- what's your name, sir? - Nick.
Nick. I asked him,
apparently when I was at Gatwick Airport, where the ATM machine was?
I've never been to Gatwick Airport.
It's a murder of crows. Murder of crows.
Do you know what a collective name for penguins is though?
It's a packet.
A packet, yeah.
Not really, it's a joke.
- Oh, right. - A packet of penguins.
God, it's hard work, isn't it?
Get back to your carpentry.
I'm just concentrating on breathing at the moment.
- Oh, I've got a new business. Yeah. - Oh, what's your business.
Yeah. I, uh...
I mean this is random, but times are hard, I, uh...
I'm a little Red Riding Hood lookalike.
- How's it going? - Yeah, it keeps the wolf from the door.
There we go!
- I've got a new business. - You've got a new business?
- What's your business? - Driving trains.
Driving trains. How's that going?
- It's on track. - It's on track!
All righty!
- I've just opened a library. - Have you?
How's that going?
Bit quiet.
Oh, get out of the box.
I've got a new business as well. Just started it up.
Hotel laundry.
- How's that going? - Bit of a sticky patch.
- Oh. - Richard!
Hello, my darling.
I'm sorry I swore then, but I guess...
You being in the show you'd know that. I'm sorry I forget.
How did you find out you could do that Nan laugh?
How did I find out I could do that Nan laugh?
It was when I went to drama college.
We had to do a thing called zoo study, animal study.
And they made me, um, watch the hyenas.
And they went....
So, what's your new business?
Um, it's loft conversions.
- How's it going? - It's going through the roof.
- I've got a new business. - Have you? What's your business?
Um, litter picking.
Oh, how's that? How's it going?
I'm cleaning up.
I'm not gonna bow to the pressure.
Everyone's having a go at this business thing.
I mean, it's really an interesting thing.
It's really taken off in the last three or four months
with everyone in the show, suddenly has got their own businesses.
Uh, all sorts of things are going on.
I mean, I've been hearing, you know, Matt Horne,
bless him, he's a busy actor, very busy actor, big star.
He must have his finger in 10 or 15 other parties businesswise.
In fact, you should ask him about them because I can't do him justice.
They've all got 'em. David Tennant, I mean it's amazing.
It's amazing. Catherine's got loads of her own.
So, Josh, Josh, I've got a new business.
- Yeah. - No, you haven't! What is it?
I've started a psychiatry practice.
Psychiatry practice? Brilliant. How's it going?
Yeah, it's mental.
Yeah? What's your new business?
I've started a psychiatry practice.
- Oh, yeah. How's it going? - It's mental.
I'd like that as my job, just thinking up new businesses.
- It sort of is. - It is a bit!
Yeah.
I've got a new business.
What is it? What's your business?
- It's called Transformations. - Mmm.
And what I do is,
I help men who want to dress up like women.
Really? How's it... How's it going?
Oh, it's a drag.
See the trick is to signal, what, what the punch line's gonna be.
I've got a new business. I've got a new business.
- Yeah. - Do you? What do you do?
I'm a magician.
- Oh, how's that going? - It's tricky.
Megan said a similar one, but I thought of that one last night.
Yeah, no, I know that you thought it first.
No. No, you could alter it though.
But I've got a new business.
- Oh, what's your new business? - What's your business?
I am making and distributing metronomes.
Oh.
- Metronomes? - Yeah.
- How's your business. - Yeah, we are ticking over.
Oh.
Did I tell you about my other business?
No. What's your other business?
I'm a Fonz impersonator.
- How's that going? - Happy Days.
Oh, nice!
- I've got a business actually. - What's your business?
It's making these leather straps that hold up trousers.
- Um, how is business? - It's belting.
Let's get on with rehearsal.
That's how it is. So, standby and, cue...
Cath, did I mention I've got a new business?
- No. - Yeah. I'm...
- What's your new business? - I'm making statues of religious icons.
Statues of religious icons? How's business?
I'm making a profit.
I've got a new company.
- You've got a new business. - New business.
God almighty!
For once it wasn't me.
She's got a new company.
I've got a new uniform.
You see, you try, you try to inject a little bit of creativity.
And they trample all over it.
So, what's your new business?
Come here, so that we can see.
She's forgotten.
It's looking after the unwell.
Looking after the unwell?
- How's that going? - Very poorly.
Nice.
So, I've got a business.
- You've got a new business? - A new business, yeah.
What's your new business?
It's a shop that sells ice cream and stamps.
Wow. Interesting.
It's diverse. How is business?
I've got it licked.
Uh.
- Oh, yeah. - Yeah.
I think you should leave.
I expected a better response than that. I expected a little bit more...
I've actually got another business.
Really?
Yeah, I've got another business, yeah.
What I do is I licence out machinery which digs tunnels into the ground.
- Yeah? - Really?
Uh, how's that going?
Borin'.
- Borin'. - I got a new business actually.
- Really? - I'm just making fireplaces.
Making fire places?
- How's that going? - Great.
I've got a business. I've got a business.
- You've got a business? - Oh, that's lucky.
Yeah, yeah. Demolishing massive clocks.
- Really? How's business? - Yeah.
We've hit the big time.
- Oh! - Think about it.
- Nice. - I like that business.
Is what?
Is my face real?
Right.
The one underneath it is, my love.
That's what you meant?
Is the face you've got underneath there real?
Right. Do you know, I'm actually 25?
Do you think this is me?
Have you never watched Doctor Who?
Do you know that person who goes, "Is my face bowered?"
That is also me!
Look a face, a face... Wrinkly old me!
Is my face real? OK.
That's quite normal.
No! Is the answer.
You're staring at me.
It does look different, yeah.
This is called, "Ah!"
This is a prosthetic where I'm pretending to be an old person.
But, yes, prior to your original question,
yes, my face is real.
Anyone else?
What, has your carer fucked off already?
Thank you for your question.
So, uh...
- I've got a business. - Have you?
- It's a new business? - Yeah, it is a new business.
Oh, what's your new business?
I'm a lifeguard.
- Really? - Yeah.
- How's that? How's it going? - Yeah, keeping my head above water.
We're beginning to run out now.
- I've got a business, though. - Have you?
Yeah, I've got a business, yeah. Um, I'm... You don't know what it is.
- What is your new business? - Yeah, it's selling broken calculators.
Selling broken... You have been up all night.
How's business?
The numbers just aren't adding up.
Oh, I like it.
Nice.
I...
No more business.
Uh, Ghost of Christmas Past is Ben Miller.
Ghost of Christmas Present is David Tennant.
And Ghost of Christmas Future is Roger Lloyd Pack.
And also we have another ghost which is Jake.
Um...
Who's my husband and that's Dominic Coleman.
Did you hear about my new business?
- Hmm? - Did you hear about my new business?
- You've got a new business? - I have. Yeah.
It's all about vomit analysis.
- Vomit analysis? - Yeah.
- How's that going? - Just sick of it.
OK.
I don't want to tread on your toes.
But I have got a new business.
- OK, what is it? - I have...
I've bought a library.
Oh, I know. I know you'd...
- Oh, how's it going? - Shhh!
Oh!
I've thrown people out.
I've been very un-Christmas like.
I mean I know you know that,
cos it was only about 10 minutes ago, but, you know...
I'm taking no chance.
- Where's me little candle? - By the side of the bed.
Oh, yeah, well, it should be in my hands.
Catherine?
I don't want to be a smartass but you should be in bed.
Oh, very funny!
Fuck it, I was wrong!
I hope we've got cameras on us, cos I could use this as a show reel.
I do. Honestly, I love a microphone and love an autocue, thank you.
Hello. Was it you? No, it wasn't you, darling.
It was you, darling.
Did you have fun on Doctor Who?
Oh, I loved it on Doctor Who.
I don't think David's here, we could reminisce.
Are you here?
Come out! I didn't know David Tennant was here!
Oh, come on!
Whoo!
It's only the Doctor!
Oh, my God!
We could be the new Richard and Judy.
Oh, we're set!
Oh!
What? Oh, well, there'll be another one.
- Oh, let's hope. - Oh, yes.
Until we find our new calling?
Bizarrely, I tried to combine two of my businesses.
- Yeah. - Yeah, I tried to combine
my library with my, um, catering business.
All right. How's it going?
I got shut down for cooking the books.
Come on!
So, I've got a new business.
- Really? What's that, then? - Yeah.
Uh, I'm running a charity for dyslexics.
- Fantastic. How's it going? - Yeah, it's going really wull.
Let it, give it a while.
Let the penny drop.
I've got one more business. Yeah, just a business.
It's removing nutrients from urine.
- Oh, how's your business? - Piece of piss.
I'm sorry.
Have you met Ash? Do you know about the business?
Have you picked it up?
Yeah, now I have, but I just...
I bet you've got a few.
- I've got one. - You do no. All right. You never...
- About a bloke. I've been... - No, not about a bloke.
No, I've been buying and selling mouthwash.
No.
I've got a new business. Buying and selling mouthwash...
- Wait for the... - Which is going really well.
You say, "I've got a new business."
This is how the show takes so long.
So, I've got a new business.
What's your new business?
Well, I'm buying and selling mouthwash.
Buying and selling mouthwash? How's business?
Menthol.
That's very good.
Because it's a bit like my new business.
I, uh, I set up a psychiatry practice.
- Psychiatry practice. How's that going? - Psychiatry practice.
Mental.
- Oh, dear. - Yeah.
It's the time of enterprise.
Well, shall I take my clobber off?
Do you need that for the rehearsal?
- There you go. - Just now. Just so?
Do you like this for the house? What would you like?
Cos I, you know, I'm here to please.
I don't think we're going to get to David.
No.
That's optimism for you, ain't it?
Thanks very much.
I have them all the time. You just don't notice.
You can change or go and hang out
with the Strictly Come Dancing people for half an hour.
- Oh, go on! - Just hang out...
- Go on! - Is it on the telly right now?
...people will be intrigued.
What is he doing? My cha-cha-cha is a triumph?
Do you want to go on and say, "We're going on."
Come on, then, Viennese Walz...
Oh, of course you can change. Yes, I do.
See you later. Yeah, go on. What's the new business?
No? Not interested in my new business?
Of course. I'm always interested.
This lady's hovering with a key.
She's been there since 1986.
- Oh. Oh, yeah. Yeah? - Catherine?
Catherine, I forgot to tell you I've got a new business.
- Shut up! - No, no, it's really good.
- I've teamed up with a sculptor. - Yeah.
And, um, we're making iron busts of famous people.
Well, how's that going?
Forging ahead.
I like it.
I've got a business, Tom.
I've got a business.
Seriously what is your business?
Um, it's running a club for overweight athletes.
How's that? How's business?
Been hitting a few hurdles to be honest.
And exit. Oh, risotto time. Follow me.
Then you say, "Oh, no, I've burnt it."
- Right, yes. - Then I'm going to say,
"Well, risotto is notoriously difficult to time."
Then you come back out to say...
- Jonie. - Jonie.
And I'll go...
Something else that I've forgotten.
And just for the record there is nothing effeminate about me.
Ooh, risotto, risotto, risotto!
- I've got a new business. - Really?
- Have you got a new business? - Yeah.
- Yeah. No. What is it? - How's the business going?
Oh, sorry. That's right.
- How ironic. - And take two.
- I've got a new business. - Have you?
- Yeah. - What's the business?
I'm a prostitute.
Really? A prostitute?
- How's it going? - I am fucked!
I've got a new business...
Um, so I'm going to get my face off.
This isn't my face, let's clarify that.
Well, end of the, um...
End of the line basically.
No, end of both shows.
Both days. Um...
It was real marathon.
- But I think we've got it all. - And I did that again.
- Oh, hello! Hi! - Hi!
I've got a new business.
I'm giving this up.
I'm got no words left to answer you.
No, wait, I'm going the wrong way! God, I'm literally going mad.
I've got a new business.
What is your business?
I've setup a charity for the deaf.
- How's it going? - Pardon?
So, we can cut 'em all out.
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