1 00:00:02,560 --> 00:00:06,560 This programme contains very strong language and adult humour. 2 00:00:19,200 --> 00:00:22,240 Welcome aboard this Brexit roadshow bus. 3 00:00:22,280 --> 00:00:26,280 And first, I just want to say how crucial you local volunteers are. 4 00:00:26,520 --> 00:00:29,000 We really feed off your energy. 5 00:00:29,040 --> 00:00:31,600 They feed off our energy. 6 00:00:33,360 --> 00:00:36,760 So, er, after we've set up stall in the local shopping centre, 7 00:00:36,800 --> 00:00:40,240 we're going to get speeches from our three galacticos. 8 00:00:40,280 --> 00:00:43,520 There's our young left-wing tyro, Jackie. 9 00:00:43,560 --> 00:00:46,280 There's Spencer - he's a veteran anti-Euro, 10 00:00:46,320 --> 00:00:50,320 self-made millionaire, and many of you will have seen him on TV, 11 00:00:50,400 --> 00:00:54,400 most recently chasing anti-fracking demonstrators with a muck spreader. 12 00:00:55,080 --> 00:00:56,840 And Priya, of course, 13 00:00:56,880 --> 00:00:59,800 who is a rising star of the Conservative Party, 14 00:00:59,840 --> 00:01:02,440 and this week was featured in the Sunday Times' 15 00:01:02,480 --> 00:01:05,760 Britain's 1,000 Most Influential Asians list. 16 00:01:05,800 --> 00:01:07,360 998. 17 00:01:07,400 --> 00:01:09,600 Yeah, OK. So, when you talk to people, 18 00:01:09,640 --> 00:01:11,680 do mention last night's TV debate. 19 00:01:11,720 --> 00:01:13,960 Stress how Cameron looked a bit sweaty. 20 00:01:14,000 --> 00:01:15,760 By all means mention Farage, 21 00:01:15,800 --> 00:01:18,440 but try to stay away from anything that's a bit rapey. 22 00:01:18,480 --> 00:01:20,280 If you're stuck for something to say, 23 00:01:20,320 --> 00:01:22,800 then just list the lot who support Remain - 24 00:01:22,840 --> 00:01:25,000 the bankers, the property developers, 25 00:01:25,040 --> 00:01:27,080 Londoners, Osborne, Blair, 26 00:01:27,120 --> 00:01:29,000 Mandelson, Simon Cowell. 27 00:01:29,040 --> 00:01:30,880 Everybody hates them, basically. 28 00:01:30,920 --> 00:01:33,880 Oh, and try not to get drawn into any abuse about John Major. 29 00:01:33,920 --> 00:01:35,280 The old fool! That's exactly... 30 00:01:35,320 --> 00:01:37,720 He should never have been returned into the community! 31 00:01:37,760 --> 00:01:41,040 ..the sort of thing not to say. 32 00:01:41,080 --> 00:01:43,600 Lauren. Lauren, YOU should take a selfie. 33 00:01:43,640 --> 00:01:45,240 Sorry, Brett, I'm kind of busy. 34 00:01:45,280 --> 00:01:47,400 To mark this moment of total triumph... 35 00:01:48,800 --> 00:01:50,280 The final Primaries. 36 00:01:50,320 --> 00:01:51,840 Yeah, Hillary's done it. 37 00:01:51,880 --> 00:01:54,000 So the contest begins. 38 00:01:54,040 --> 00:01:55,480 Now the gloves can come off. 39 00:01:55,520 --> 00:01:57,400 Mr Trump can really go on the attack. 40 00:01:57,440 --> 00:02:00,200 Well, he's sort of already, er... 41 00:02:00,240 --> 00:02:02,920 Folks will remember where they were when this happened, 42 00:02:02,960 --> 00:02:05,120 just like at other great historical moments, 43 00:02:05,160 --> 00:02:07,880 like when Americans first landed on the moon, 44 00:02:07,920 --> 00:02:09,920 or when Kennedy got assassinated. 45 00:02:09,960 --> 00:02:11,520 It wasn't exactly a great moment. 46 00:02:11,560 --> 00:02:12,760 It was in my family. 47 00:02:12,800 --> 00:02:14,880 Got a lot of numbers I need to analyse. 48 00:02:14,920 --> 00:02:17,280 Oh, sure, sure, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 49 00:02:17,320 --> 00:02:20,640 I misjudge situations sometimes. It's fine, you're good. 50 00:02:24,680 --> 00:02:27,760 Do you know the first words Mr Trump ever said to me? 51 00:02:27,800 --> 00:02:29,440 "Let's get this done." 52 00:02:29,480 --> 00:02:31,720 That's just him in a nutshell, isn't it? 53 00:02:31,760 --> 00:02:33,760 "Let's get this done," he said, 54 00:02:33,800 --> 00:02:36,480 and I picked up his golf bags, and off we went. 55 00:02:36,520 --> 00:02:38,280 You were caddying for him? 56 00:02:38,320 --> 00:02:40,040 I had that honour. 57 00:02:40,080 --> 00:02:43,000 By the ninth hole, he had offered me this job. 58 00:02:43,040 --> 00:02:45,720 He liked the way I could quote the whole of his book, 59 00:02:45,760 --> 00:02:48,680 How To Kick Ass, verbatim. 60 00:02:48,720 --> 00:02:50,720 That's a good word, huh? 61 00:02:50,760 --> 00:02:53,400 Verbatim. That's Latin. 62 00:02:53,440 --> 00:02:56,200 Oh, oh, you've got your headphones on. 63 00:02:56,240 --> 00:02:59,720 Why the hell did Cameron ever agree to a referendum? 64 00:02:59,760 --> 00:03:02,960 Just giving publicity to all the morons in the party. 65 00:03:03,000 --> 00:03:06,680 Oh-So-Pretty Patel, Chris 50-Shades-Of-Grayling, 66 00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:08,480 the Ayatollah Gove, 67 00:03:08,520 --> 00:03:12,000 Iain Duncan On-The-Spectrum Smith. Actually, I... 68 00:03:12,040 --> 00:03:15,360 All the mental defectives we normally hide in the attic 69 00:03:15,400 --> 00:03:17,360 are running around the building. 70 00:03:17,400 --> 00:03:19,560 Cameron's strategy is a load of fucking... 71 00:03:20,960 --> 00:03:23,400 Unity unit, Oliver speaking. Yeah, now? 72 00:03:23,440 --> 00:03:27,120 I know your lot need to attack Cameron's debate performance, 73 00:03:27,160 --> 00:03:31,080 but if you could just not call him the L word, because... 74 00:03:31,120 --> 00:03:34,040 Lesbian? No, liar. What are YOU watching? 75 00:03:34,080 --> 00:03:36,080 Tony? David has been very careful... 76 00:03:36,120 --> 00:03:39,880 This isn't a big thing, but I just feel now might be the time 77 00:03:39,920 --> 00:03:41,880 to remind certain individuals... 78 00:03:41,920 --> 00:03:44,360 Absolutely. Gotcha. 79 00:03:44,400 --> 00:03:46,960 Er, OK, firstly, well done, everyone. 80 00:03:47,000 --> 00:03:49,720 Secondly, well done, everyone. 81 00:03:49,760 --> 00:03:53,280 Thirdly, just a reminder that this unit's job 82 00:03:53,320 --> 00:03:56,560 is to ensure that we Tories engaged on both sides 83 00:03:56,600 --> 00:04:00,120 of the fantastic national conversation of this referendum 84 00:04:00,160 --> 00:04:03,880 remain, um...pals. 85 00:04:03,920 --> 00:04:06,880 Let's make sure we don't end up in a circular firing squad, 86 00:04:06,920 --> 00:04:09,960 but instead in two firing squa... 87 00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:11,920 Admittedly, er, facing each other, 88 00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:14,360 but not shooting below the belt. 89 00:04:14,400 --> 00:04:18,160 Because those kind of injuries to the, um... 90 00:04:18,200 --> 00:04:20,880 ..below the belt area, they won't heal. 91 00:04:20,920 --> 00:04:24,440 Basically, we have to remember that the Conservative Party 92 00:04:24,480 --> 00:04:26,520 has always been a broad church. 93 00:04:26,560 --> 00:04:29,840 The place where they murder each other? 94 00:04:29,880 --> 00:04:33,880 Not Broadchurch, Ruby. A broad church. 95 00:04:57,880 --> 00:04:59,720 Come in. Don't hover. 96 00:04:59,760 --> 00:05:01,440 Never hover. 97 00:05:01,480 --> 00:05:04,600 President Putin hates people who hover. Right. 98 00:05:04,640 --> 00:05:07,920 Litvinenko used to hover. Right. 99 00:05:07,960 --> 00:05:11,080 I'm joking! 100 00:05:11,120 --> 00:05:13,400 President Putin, he likes a joke, 101 00:05:13,440 --> 00:05:16,680 but never laugh until he laughs, 102 00:05:16,720 --> 00:05:18,840 in case it's not a joke. 103 00:05:18,880 --> 00:05:20,240 Um, why... 104 00:05:34,200 --> 00:05:35,600 ..it is safer. 105 00:05:35,640 --> 00:05:38,560 No-one in earshot can understand English, 106 00:05:38,600 --> 00:05:41,400 if you get my drift? Drift? 107 00:05:41,440 --> 00:05:44,480 How good is your English? Swell. 108 00:05:44,520 --> 00:05:47,160 OK, you will need English, because one of your duties 109 00:05:47,200 --> 00:05:49,720 will be going through the English language newspapers. 110 00:05:49,760 --> 00:05:52,240 At the moment, you will find there is really only one story. 111 00:05:52,280 --> 00:05:53,800 The EU referendum. Yes. 112 00:05:53,840 --> 00:05:56,080 The British government has made the schoolboy error 113 00:05:56,120 --> 00:05:58,520 of asking the people what they want. What do they want? 114 00:05:58,560 --> 00:06:02,560 They want it to be over. 115 00:06:03,240 --> 00:06:05,800 I felt the non-confrontational format 116 00:06:05,840 --> 00:06:08,320 of last night's debate was a positive. 117 00:06:08,360 --> 00:06:10,560 What, you mean it not being a debate? 118 00:06:10,600 --> 00:06:12,880 David was excellent, but do you know, 119 00:06:12,920 --> 00:06:16,320 I'd like to see a bit more George Osborne in front of the camera. 120 00:06:16,360 --> 00:06:18,720 Yeah, cos he is very popular. 121 00:06:18,760 --> 00:06:21,480 Sentences you will never hear - 122 00:06:21,520 --> 00:06:23,960 "Jose Mourinho, so humble." 123 00:06:24,000 --> 00:06:26,720 "Mike Ashley looks so healthy." 124 00:06:26,760 --> 00:06:29,080 "I really like that George Osborne." 125 00:06:29,120 --> 00:06:33,120 Sometimes I feel, Oliver, that you can drift into negativity. 126 00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:37,960 Well, I better go and stick my head in Noel Edmonds's magic box. 127 00:06:38,800 --> 00:06:42,800 By the way, if you get asked about the registration extension, 128 00:06:42,920 --> 00:06:45,080 we have to say that we don't have an opinion. 129 00:06:45,120 --> 00:06:47,560 Oh, that's all right, I don't have an opinion. 130 00:06:47,600 --> 00:06:51,440 I mean, generally, I try not to. 131 00:06:51,480 --> 00:06:54,400 So, very excitingly, when we get to be shopping centre, 132 00:06:54,440 --> 00:06:58,280 we're expecting a visit from that star Brexiteer John Redwood MP. 133 00:06:59,640 --> 00:07:01,240 So that's good. 134 00:07:01,280 --> 00:07:03,200 We're after the waverers. 135 00:07:03,240 --> 00:07:05,400 So the key things to remember are... 136 00:07:05,440 --> 00:07:09,000 One - the other side have resorted constantly to Project Fear. 137 00:07:09,040 --> 00:07:10,640 We're better than that. 138 00:07:10,680 --> 00:07:13,680 Two - don't forget to mention the millions of Turkish criminals 139 00:07:13,720 --> 00:07:15,560 swarming toward our shores. 140 00:07:15,600 --> 00:07:17,080 And three - terrorism is... 141 00:07:17,120 --> 00:07:19,480 OK, don't want to overload with directives. 142 00:07:19,520 --> 00:07:23,520 They don't want to overload people. 143 00:07:24,680 --> 00:07:27,160 So the key thing is, we want to go out there 144 00:07:27,200 --> 00:07:31,200 and remind people it is time to claim our country back. 145 00:07:32,040 --> 00:07:34,680 So let's go out there and spread the passion, 146 00:07:34,720 --> 00:07:37,840 and, yes, you will have access to a toilet. 147 00:07:37,880 --> 00:07:41,800 So the referendum is people who don't know what's going to happen 148 00:07:41,840 --> 00:07:43,840 asking people who don't understand 149 00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:45,960 a question no-one knows the answer to. 150 00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:47,640 The beauty of democracy. 151 00:07:47,680 --> 00:07:51,120 Now, as well as monitoring the narrative in the Western press, 152 00:07:51,160 --> 00:07:54,880 this unit's duties also include coordinating the President's diary 153 00:07:54,920 --> 00:07:56,680 with the internal secretariat 154 00:07:56,720 --> 00:07:57,920 and walking his dog. 155 00:07:57,960 --> 00:07:59,600 We walk the president's dog? 156 00:07:59,640 --> 00:08:01,120 YOU walk the president's dog. 157 00:08:01,160 --> 00:08:04,320 Every day at 11 and 3. The lead is there. 158 00:08:04,360 --> 00:08:07,120 Oh, and where are the bags? Bags? 159 00:08:07,160 --> 00:08:08,840 For the poop. 160 00:08:08,880 --> 00:08:12,880 It's Putin's dog. It shits where it wants. Oh, OK. 161 00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:18,160 Do you know what Mr Trump says to me every time he sees me? 162 00:08:19,040 --> 00:08:20,480 "Go, fella." 163 00:08:20,520 --> 00:08:22,480 Sometimes with a little thumbs up. 164 00:08:22,520 --> 00:08:25,200 And once, he said, "Kill 'em, fella." 165 00:08:25,240 --> 00:08:27,800 And once, he said, "Don't get too close." 166 00:08:27,840 --> 00:08:29,640 But I had a bad cold, so, um... 167 00:08:29,680 --> 00:08:32,040 Hey, team. Great day. 168 00:08:32,080 --> 00:08:34,360 Lauren, how are yesterday's numbers? 169 00:08:34,400 --> 00:08:36,800 Did Donald do better with the ladies? 170 00:08:36,840 --> 00:08:39,400 Well, Hillary is still... Crooked Hillary. 171 00:08:39,440 --> 00:08:41,080 Always use her full name. Oh, right. 172 00:08:41,120 --> 00:08:43,080 Well, er, we are still struggling. 173 00:08:43,120 --> 00:08:45,760 Do we like the word "struggling"? I don't think we do. 174 00:08:45,800 --> 00:08:49,320 "Striving" is a much better word, and "succeeding" is the best word. 175 00:08:49,360 --> 00:08:52,000 Well, we are still striving to succeed 176 00:08:52,040 --> 00:08:54,000 with Donald's female approval ratings. 177 00:08:54,040 --> 00:08:55,920 "Triumphing" is a good word, too. 178 00:08:55,960 --> 00:08:59,160 So, Lauren, using all of your experience, 179 00:08:59,200 --> 00:09:00,960 what ideas do you have for us? 180 00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:03,440 Well, when I was working on Bush's campaign 181 00:09:03,480 --> 00:09:05,480 and Kerry was doing better with women, 182 00:09:05,520 --> 00:09:08,160 I set up a big sort of up close and personal interview 183 00:09:08,200 --> 00:09:11,240 with Barbara Walters, so I was thinking maybe if Donald did... 184 00:09:11,280 --> 00:09:13,760 An interview with a top female journalist! Yeah. 185 00:09:13,800 --> 00:09:16,280 I love that idea. That is a great idea. 186 00:09:16,320 --> 00:09:19,400 Who did you have in mind? Cathy Grey. No, she's banned. Oh. 187 00:09:19,440 --> 00:09:21,400 Donald banned her. Didn't like her attitude. 188 00:09:21,440 --> 00:09:24,320 Oh. Well, er... 189 00:09:24,360 --> 00:09:25,640 Mary Sherman? 190 00:09:25,680 --> 00:09:27,320 Also banned. Again, attitude. 191 00:09:27,360 --> 00:09:29,120 Er, Katie Weisberg? Banned. 192 00:09:29,160 --> 00:09:30,960 June Corrigan? Banned. Oh. 193 00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:33,920 Did you get the list of journalists that are banned that I sent you? 194 00:09:33,960 --> 00:09:36,760 Yeah, I tried to print it but the printer kind of overheated, so... 195 00:09:36,800 --> 00:09:40,520 What about Janet Hardy? She'd be ideal. Yes! She's sma... Oh. 196 00:09:40,560 --> 00:09:44,240 No, think she's banned. That question about the hands. 197 00:09:44,280 --> 00:09:47,120 Oliver, this isn't a big thing, 198 00:09:47,160 --> 00:09:49,640 but in order to achieve an environment 199 00:09:49,680 --> 00:09:53,160 that is conflict neutral... Don't be abusive about party members, 200 00:09:53,200 --> 00:09:54,720 don't say mental defectives, 201 00:09:54,760 --> 00:09:57,320 don't refer to the physical appearance of women 202 00:09:57,360 --> 00:09:59,840 and don't call anyone a slag. 203 00:09:59,880 --> 00:10:01,440 You didn't call anyone a slag. 204 00:10:01,480 --> 00:10:04,760 Oh, no, that's right. I didn't get onto Boris. 205 00:10:04,800 --> 00:10:08,400 Now, Ruby, that place round the corner must be open. 206 00:10:08,440 --> 00:10:12,440 How about cappuccinos all round? Great idea. 207 00:10:16,120 --> 00:10:18,840 Oh, you want me to go and get them? 208 00:10:18,880 --> 00:10:20,440 Sure. 209 00:10:20,480 --> 00:10:23,800 It is just round one corner, isn't it? 210 00:10:23,840 --> 00:10:27,840 Just cos more than that and I can get confused. 211 00:10:28,760 --> 00:10:32,320 This is the direct line from the president. 212 00:10:32,360 --> 00:10:34,760 It must always be answered before the third ring, 213 00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:36,160 that is the president's rule. 214 00:10:36,200 --> 00:10:37,960 If for some reason I am not in the room, 215 00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:40,280 you must answer it before the third ring. 216 00:10:40,320 --> 00:10:41,680 OK, we practice it now. 217 00:10:41,720 --> 00:10:43,880 Sit at your desk. Sit. I will be phone. 218 00:10:46,720 --> 00:10:49,320 Ring-ring. Ring-ring. Ring-ring. 219 00:10:49,360 --> 00:10:51,760 We need to work on your reaction time. 220 00:10:51,800 --> 00:10:55,000 Well, I thought that went pretty well. Tea all round? 221 00:10:55,040 --> 00:10:58,160 Look, Spencer, you have got to try to stick to the facts. 222 00:10:58,200 --> 00:11:00,000 We're fighting the snooze factor, Gerry. 223 00:11:00,040 --> 00:11:01,440 We've got to do what Trump does. 224 00:11:01,480 --> 00:11:03,600 Say one attention-grabbing thing a day. 225 00:11:03,640 --> 00:11:06,320 Even if it's complete bollocks? Especially if it's bollocks. 226 00:11:06,360 --> 00:11:07,960 That's how it grabs attention. 227 00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:10,640 I've just tweeted that since we've joined the EU, 228 00:11:10,680 --> 00:11:13,000 there's been a rise in the number of veruccas. 229 00:11:13,040 --> 00:11:15,880 Let's see Jon Snow try and fact-check that. 230 00:11:15,920 --> 00:11:18,880 OK, but facts... Don't get bogged down on facts, Jerry. 231 00:11:18,920 --> 00:11:20,440 That's the old politics. 232 00:11:20,480 --> 00:11:23,640 Just got a text in from Iain Duncan Smith. 233 00:11:23,680 --> 00:11:27,640 He's making a big speech, and he's offering a bottle of champagne 234 00:11:27,680 --> 00:11:29,640 for anyone that can come up with a joke 235 00:11:29,680 --> 00:11:31,440 that can definitely get him a laugh. 236 00:11:31,480 --> 00:11:34,040 A joke that will definitely get a laugh 237 00:11:34,080 --> 00:11:37,360 even when it's been told by Iain Duncan Smith? 238 00:11:37,400 --> 00:11:40,160 Yes. There's no joke that can survive that. 239 00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:42,360 Actually, you know, once you get to know him... 240 00:11:42,400 --> 00:11:44,640 Why would I want to get to know him? He's quite funny. 241 00:11:44,680 --> 00:11:46,440 He is pretty funny, actually. See? 242 00:11:46,480 --> 00:11:48,640 Cos he looks like an egg with a mouth. 243 00:11:48,680 --> 00:11:51,080 Oh, OK, listen up, everybody. 244 00:11:51,120 --> 00:11:55,000 They've just sent through some bullet points for tomorrow. 245 00:11:55,040 --> 00:11:57,640 They want us to focus in on Cameron saying 246 00:11:57,680 --> 00:12:01,680 he wants to pave a road from Ankara to Brussels, and... 247 00:12:01,800 --> 00:12:04,400 Priya, you've got a question. About tomorrow? 248 00:12:04,440 --> 00:12:06,160 Yes. Will he be dressed like that? 249 00:12:06,200 --> 00:12:09,280 The Union Jack - well, it makes us look a bit...Ukippy. 250 00:12:09,320 --> 00:12:12,280 Look, the thing is, Gerry, it's very difficult 251 00:12:12,320 --> 00:12:15,240 to convince people that you're a sober, serious politician 252 00:12:15,280 --> 00:12:18,240 if you're sitting next to someone who's come dressed as a street party. 253 00:12:18,280 --> 00:12:20,840 If it was good enough for John Bull, it's good enough for me. 254 00:12:20,880 --> 00:12:24,880 John Bull is a fictional character. No, he's not! 255 00:12:25,880 --> 00:12:27,600 I think he was, Spencer. 256 00:12:27,640 --> 00:12:30,320 You'll take this waistcoat from my cold, dead body. 257 00:12:34,360 --> 00:12:36,360 Hope Davis? No. 258 00:12:36,400 --> 00:12:38,720 Jennifer Schultz. I think she's banned too. 259 00:12:38,760 --> 00:12:41,480 Really? She's quite pro-Donald, why is she banned? 260 00:12:42,800 --> 00:12:46,720 Rex! Why is Jenny Schultz on the banned list? 261 00:12:46,760 --> 00:12:48,040 The nose. 262 00:12:48,080 --> 00:12:51,480 Oh, yeah, the nose. The nose. Said it freaked him out. 263 00:12:51,520 --> 00:12:53,080 Said it followed him around the room. 264 00:12:53,120 --> 00:12:55,400 You see, it's that sort of response to women that... 265 00:12:55,440 --> 00:12:58,280 How about Jennifer Lawrence? She's not a journalist. 266 00:12:58,320 --> 00:13:01,480 OK, but if she's just asking some questions, how hard can that be? 267 00:13:01,520 --> 00:13:03,680 No, he needs to be interviewed by someone - 268 00:13:03,720 --> 00:13:05,440 you know, someone more substantial. 269 00:13:06,680 --> 00:13:08,440 Kim Kardashian. No, Brett. 270 00:13:08,480 --> 00:13:10,400 No, no, Kim is a big Trump fan. 271 00:13:10,440 --> 00:13:12,800 She said that he's clever and Hillary's dull. 272 00:13:12,840 --> 00:13:14,880 That was Kim Jong-un. 273 00:13:14,920 --> 00:13:16,920 Oh, OK! 274 00:13:16,960 --> 00:13:19,400 But Kim Kardashian - it's a thought. 275 00:13:19,440 --> 00:13:21,600 It's not a thought. Well... 276 00:13:21,640 --> 00:13:23,480 Maybe it's a thought. 277 00:13:23,520 --> 00:13:25,200 But here's a different thought. 278 00:13:25,240 --> 00:13:28,760 Muhammad Ali's funeral - Mr Trump needs to be there. 279 00:13:28,800 --> 00:13:30,520 Why would Mr Trump want to go there? 280 00:13:30,560 --> 00:13:33,000 Because Bill Clinton is going, and if he has a plus one, 281 00:13:33,040 --> 00:13:35,080 that means Hillary's going. Not necessarily. 282 00:13:35,120 --> 00:13:37,600 This funeral is turning into a Clinton land grab. 283 00:13:37,640 --> 00:13:39,600 We need to get our tanks on that lawn. 284 00:13:39,640 --> 00:13:41,960 Maybe don't use the word... Shoot. 285 00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:45,200 Rex! What did that shaky journalist guy have? 286 00:13:45,240 --> 00:13:48,200 The one that Trump mocked. It wasn't Parkinson's, was it? 287 00:13:48,240 --> 00:13:50,400 A congenital joint condition. 288 00:13:50,440 --> 00:13:52,680 Great. Then we are good to go. 289 00:13:52,720 --> 00:13:55,560 This is the perfect place for Mr Trump to look presidential. 290 00:13:55,600 --> 00:13:58,200 Where's it being held? The KFC Yum! Centre. 291 00:13:58,240 --> 00:14:01,880 We need a ticket. Rex! Any luck on StubHub? We'll pay top dollar. 292 00:14:01,920 --> 00:14:04,320 Lauren, I need you to get one of your journalist friends 293 00:14:04,360 --> 00:14:06,960 to write a piece on the similarities between Trump and Ali. 294 00:14:07,000 --> 00:14:08,800 Both fighters, both winners. 295 00:14:08,840 --> 00:14:11,760 Both had big hands, both had lots of wives. 296 00:14:11,800 --> 00:14:14,160 Oh, hey, Ali didn't go to Vietnam either. 297 00:14:14,200 --> 00:14:16,200 Stop googling, Brett. 298 00:14:19,160 --> 00:14:22,640 Thinking of the future when we're all back on the same side again, 299 00:14:22,680 --> 00:14:24,920 we did agree to avoid certain words 300 00:14:24,960 --> 00:14:26,960 when talking about our Brexity brethren... 301 00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:28,400 "Judas", 302 00:14:28,440 --> 00:14:30,640 "turncoat", "traitor", 303 00:14:30,680 --> 00:14:33,600 "motherfucker"... 304 00:14:33,640 --> 00:14:36,320 Yeah, I-I-I'm told you did. 305 00:14:36,360 --> 00:14:40,200 In a phone call to Michael Gove, preceded by the words, erm... 306 00:14:40,240 --> 00:14:42,360 "little" and "speccy". 307 00:14:42,400 --> 00:14:44,560 Well, no, I'm not disputing its accuracy in any way, 308 00:14:44,600 --> 00:14:46,200 I'm just trying to keep the peace. 309 00:14:46,240 --> 00:14:49,560 Now, erm, just a different reminder, erm... 310 00:14:49,600 --> 00:14:52,360 The last thing anyone wants is for someone like you 311 00:14:52,400 --> 00:14:55,560 dredging up old stuff about, erm... 312 00:14:55,600 --> 00:14:59,440 Liam Fox and that unfortunate friend of his. 313 00:14:59,480 --> 00:15:00,880 God, no! 314 00:15:00,920 --> 00:15:03,000 Yeah, love to Barbara. See you at Henley. Tony... 315 00:15:03,040 --> 00:15:04,400 Tony. 316 00:15:04,440 --> 00:15:06,000 This isn't a big thing, 317 00:15:06,040 --> 00:15:08,280 but...I'm still wondering if 318 00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:13,040 Well, Sara, 319 00:15:13,080 --> 00:15:15,520 we're very lucky to have Oliver. 320 00:15:15,560 --> 00:15:18,240 He's got the most fantastic, erm... 321 00:15:18,280 --> 00:15:20,440 address book. 322 00:15:20,480 --> 00:15:23,680 Er, I heard that he was fired from The Sun. 323 00:15:23,720 --> 00:15:27,600 Oh, that was a long time ago. 324 00:15:27,640 --> 00:15:30,280 I think Kelvin MacKenzie found him a bit aggressive, 325 00:15:30,320 --> 00:15:33,840 but he's really mellowed with age, 326 00:15:33,880 --> 00:15:37,040 and the...courses he's had to go on. 327 00:15:37,080 --> 00:15:39,240 But well done, you, on all of this. 328 00:15:39,280 --> 00:15:40,640 And... 329 00:15:40,680 --> 00:15:42,840 Ruby, why is SHE here? 330 00:15:42,880 --> 00:15:45,120 Oh, we're VERY lucky to have Ruby. 331 00:15:45,160 --> 00:15:49,160 The way she brings that fantastic youthful energy. 332 00:15:52,640 --> 00:15:56,240 And her father is... 333 00:15:59,760 --> 00:16:03,760 Yeah, a very large party donor. 334 00:16:03,840 --> 00:16:07,280 Oliver - the poster. We can't be seen to be biased. 335 00:16:07,320 --> 00:16:09,280 Mick Hucknall's having a go at Corbyn 336 00:16:09,320 --> 00:16:11,040 for not fighting hard enough for Remain. 337 00:16:11,080 --> 00:16:12,960 Scrubby talentless has-been. 338 00:16:13,000 --> 00:16:14,760 Which one of them do you mean? 339 00:16:14,800 --> 00:16:18,800 Well... Either. 340 00:16:23,560 --> 00:16:26,480 Ring, ring! Ring, ring! 341 00:16:26,520 --> 00:16:28,360 Better. Better. 342 00:16:28,400 --> 00:16:30,040 Now, some basic dos and don'ts. 343 00:16:30,080 --> 00:16:32,640 Don't cough or sneeze in his presence, 344 00:16:32,680 --> 00:16:34,680 don't attempt any small talk and, erm... 345 00:16:34,720 --> 00:16:37,120 if he asks you to wrestle him, 346 00:16:37,160 --> 00:16:40,560 just make an excuse - say that you have a hernia or something. 347 00:16:42,160 --> 00:16:46,040 No, I mean, all this scaremongering is absurd. 348 00:16:46,080 --> 00:16:48,800 I mean, the economy will not collapse if we leave the EU. 349 00:16:48,840 --> 00:16:52,840 But...I would like to put my house on the market. 350 00:16:53,120 --> 00:16:56,240 Looks like the deadline for voter registration's been extended. 351 00:16:56,280 --> 00:16:59,960 That's a shame, cos I don't think WE lost out on any new votes. 352 00:17:01,400 --> 00:17:04,040 No, well, the site crashed after ten at night. 353 00:17:04,080 --> 00:17:06,320 All our lot will have been in bed. 354 00:17:06,360 --> 00:17:09,680 And if it's all the same... I'd rather not be paid in sterling. 355 00:17:09,720 --> 00:17:12,200 See your mate Mr Corbyn's gone very quiet. 356 00:17:12,240 --> 00:17:13,320 He's not my mate. 357 00:17:13,360 --> 00:17:16,120 I didn't vote for him so he could start singing the national anthem 358 00:17:16,160 --> 00:17:17,920 and wearing a tie like some fascist. 359 00:17:17,960 --> 00:17:20,160 No, but, I mean... Permission to come aboard! 360 00:17:20,200 --> 00:17:23,280 What's that? Another one for my collection. 361 00:17:23,320 --> 00:17:24,600 Collection? Yeah. 362 00:17:24,640 --> 00:17:26,000 See, in my barn 363 00:17:26,040 --> 00:17:29,120 I've got what I call my Museum Of Official Stupidity. 364 00:17:29,160 --> 00:17:31,560 It's my way of rolling back the nanny state. 365 00:17:31,600 --> 00:17:35,120 This...is why we're a nation of obese kids - 366 00:17:35,160 --> 00:17:36,440 and after the referendum 367 00:17:36,480 --> 00:17:38,440 there won't BE a European Court of Human Rights 368 00:17:38,480 --> 00:17:41,480 that they can go waddling off to, bleating that their human right 369 00:17:41,520 --> 00:17:43,600 to have a big blubbery ass has been violated. 370 00:17:43,640 --> 00:17:44,840 Someone might have seen you. 371 00:17:44,880 --> 00:17:46,600 Nope. Might have been CCTV. 372 00:17:46,640 --> 00:17:48,680 Not any more... 373 00:17:48,720 --> 00:17:51,680 Here, have a look at this. 374 00:17:51,720 --> 00:17:53,320 Here's how my lovely Margosia 375 00:17:53,360 --> 00:17:55,400 will arrive at our wedding - 376 00:17:55,440 --> 00:17:57,120 a coach and four white horses. 377 00:17:57,160 --> 00:17:59,920 Very ecologically friendly. Damn, I hadn't thought of that. 378 00:17:59,960 --> 00:18:01,520 But I'm going to do it anyway. 379 00:18:01,560 --> 00:18:05,160 And here is my beautiful bride-to-be. 380 00:18:05,200 --> 00:18:07,480 Ain't she stunning? 381 00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:10,440 She's very... 382 00:18:10,480 --> 00:18:12,760 ..striking. 383 00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:14,240 How old is Margosia? 384 00:18:14,280 --> 00:18:18,280 27. Hmm... 385 00:18:18,680 --> 00:18:22,680 I fuckin' hate the way she does that. 386 00:18:39,800 --> 00:18:42,320 How is the news digest coming along? 387 00:18:42,360 --> 00:18:44,760 Big news in all the English papers, 388 00:18:44,800 --> 00:18:46,520 there was a huge storm. 389 00:18:46,560 --> 00:18:47,680 About what? 390 00:18:47,720 --> 00:18:51,720 No, that's it - there was a huge storm. 391 00:18:52,640 --> 00:18:55,280 Oh, wait - a man in the West has cured cancer. 392 00:18:55,320 --> 00:18:56,560 Really?! 393 00:18:56,600 --> 00:18:58,960 His name is...Noel Edmonds, 394 00:18:59,000 --> 00:19:01,560 he has invented a magic box. 395 00:19:01,600 --> 00:19:05,600 Yes. I will explain about this Noel Edmonds another time. 396 00:19:07,040 --> 00:19:10,240 I wonder how Preeya's getting on with Brexit. 397 00:19:10,280 --> 00:19:13,200 With her desk here, it's almost like she's here in spirit. 398 00:19:13,240 --> 00:19:16,240 Square, wooden, and you can't get in its drawers... 399 00:19:16,280 --> 00:19:17,920 is the kind of joke I would make 400 00:19:17,960 --> 00:19:21,440 if I didn't know it was... inappropriate. 401 00:19:21,480 --> 00:19:25,120 Here we go, it's confirmed - Hillary Clinton has the nomination. 402 00:19:25,160 --> 00:19:26,760 Hillary really worries me. 403 00:19:26,800 --> 00:19:28,120 Why, Ruby? 404 00:19:28,160 --> 00:19:30,440 The two Ls in Hillary. 405 00:19:30,480 --> 00:19:33,600 Why does she need the extra one? It's just a bit greedy. 406 00:19:33,640 --> 00:19:35,040 Well, this doesn't help. 407 00:19:35,080 --> 00:19:37,880 Someone's dredging up smears about Liam Fox. 408 00:19:37,920 --> 00:19:40,160 The unfortunate friend? 409 00:19:40,200 --> 00:19:42,280 You've seen it already? 410 00:19:42,320 --> 00:19:45,600 Y-Yeah... Obviously I've seen it. 411 00:19:45,640 --> 00:19:49,640 Social media can be so anti-cohesive, can't it? I... 412 00:19:50,080 --> 00:19:53,800 I feel that we need a meeting to recalibrate our strategy. 413 00:19:53,840 --> 00:19:55,240 Sorry. For what? 414 00:19:55,280 --> 00:19:57,360 Oh, I...thought I'd groaned out loud. 415 00:19:57,400 --> 00:20:01,400 No. Oh. That's all right, then. 416 00:20:02,440 --> 00:20:04,640 There's a new Harry Potter play. 417 00:20:04,680 --> 00:20:07,080 Would the President be interested to know that? No. 418 00:20:07,120 --> 00:20:09,880 The President has no interest in this Harry Potter. 419 00:20:09,920 --> 00:20:11,920 Not since Snape died. 420 00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:13,840 He was in pieces. 421 00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:16,000 Will he be interested in this Mourinho court case? 422 00:20:16,040 --> 00:20:18,720 Of course. Chelsea Football Club is owned by Mr Abramovich, 423 00:20:18,760 --> 00:20:20,440 a close associate - 424 00:20:20,480 --> 00:20:23,160 who did not buy the President a yacht, by the way. 425 00:20:23,200 --> 00:20:25,000 He did not buy the President a yacht? 426 00:20:25,040 --> 00:20:27,800 No. He did not buy him a yacht. 427 00:20:27,840 --> 00:20:31,560 Note that down in case anybody asks. 428 00:20:31,600 --> 00:20:34,480 Phwoor, it's humid. 429 00:20:34,520 --> 00:20:36,600 Looks like it might rain. 430 00:20:57,280 --> 00:20:59,400 In English, Alexei. 431 00:20:59,440 --> 00:21:01,800 Sorry. He wants the digest. 432 00:21:01,840 --> 00:21:04,120 And nothing about the anti-doping story? 433 00:21:04,160 --> 00:21:08,160 They can stick their tests up their ass. 434 00:21:11,000 --> 00:21:15,000 Well, come on. We'll go in together. 435 00:21:15,240 --> 00:21:17,640 And don't limp. 436 00:21:17,680 --> 00:21:21,680 He hates limpers. 437 00:21:23,760 --> 00:21:25,680 Celebration drink! 438 00:21:25,720 --> 00:21:28,240 I guess whichever side you're on, 439 00:21:28,280 --> 00:21:30,800 a female candidate, it's a historic moment. 440 00:21:30,840 --> 00:21:34,520 Yeah, right? Go, sister. 441 00:21:34,560 --> 00:21:36,880 Now, how do we nail the bitch? 442 00:21:36,920 --> 00:21:39,840 Brett, how are we doing on the Muhammad Ali funeral? 443 00:21:39,880 --> 00:21:41,880 His family are not responding to our calls. 444 00:21:41,920 --> 00:21:43,400 That is just rude. 445 00:21:43,440 --> 00:21:46,160 Tell them we'll negotiate on him being a pallbearer. 446 00:21:46,200 --> 00:21:48,120 Uh, I found some names that aren't on the list. 447 00:21:48,160 --> 00:21:51,960 And, should none of them work out, there is always Piers Morgan. 448 00:21:52,000 --> 00:21:53,560 He makes Donald look sympathetic. 449 00:21:53,600 --> 00:21:55,360 Next to Piers, anyone looks sympathetic. 450 00:21:55,400 --> 00:21:57,840 He's a guy, and he's British. 451 00:21:57,880 --> 00:21:59,160 Well, if we can't find a woman, 452 00:21:59,200 --> 00:22:01,480 the nearest thing to a woman is probably a British guy. 453 00:22:01,520 --> 00:22:04,360 Am I right, Brett? Sure. 454 00:22:04,400 --> 00:22:06,240 But, no - well done, 455 00:22:06,280 --> 00:22:08,560 we will float the women you have found past him. 456 00:22:08,600 --> 00:22:11,040 Here's the list. With the resumes. 457 00:22:11,080 --> 00:22:12,360 Yeah... 458 00:22:12,400 --> 00:22:13,960 He'll want photographs. 459 00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:16,360 In fact... 460 00:22:16,400 --> 00:22:19,200 just photographs. 461 00:22:19,240 --> 00:22:22,560 You know what they should have done over Mike Ashley and the zero hours? 462 00:22:22,600 --> 00:22:24,000 They should have kept telling him 463 00:22:24,040 --> 00:22:26,400 he was expected to appear before the committee, 464 00:22:26,440 --> 00:22:28,320 then dragged him all the way down to London 465 00:22:28,360 --> 00:22:30,520 and then told him he wasn't needed that day. 466 00:22:30,560 --> 00:22:33,480 And then they should have body-searched him on his way out. 467 00:22:33,520 --> 00:22:35,440 But what happened to Sports Direct shares 468 00:22:35,480 --> 00:22:38,400 while Ashley was being grilled? They went up, 469 00:22:38,440 --> 00:22:41,120 cos all the investors thought, "That's a PROPER boss, 470 00:22:41,160 --> 00:22:44,080 "one who says, 'You have your baby in your own time, in the toilet.'" 471 00:22:44,120 --> 00:22:45,680 But that's an allegation. 472 00:22:45,720 --> 00:22:47,800 The same with this Mourinho nonsense. 473 00:22:47,840 --> 00:22:49,360 Everyone rushes to the court now. 474 00:22:49,400 --> 00:22:51,280 "Oh, the manager called me a bad name." 475 00:22:51,320 --> 00:22:53,640 "Oh, my boss says he's ex-SAS 476 00:22:53,680 --> 00:22:55,760 "and he's got a gun and he's going to shoot me." 477 00:22:55,800 --> 00:22:59,200 "My parents left me in a forest full of bears." 478 00:22:59,240 --> 00:23:02,240 Anyway, what's a doctor DOING on a football pitch? 479 00:23:02,280 --> 00:23:05,760 1956 Cup Final, the goalie Bert Trautmann 480 00:23:05,800 --> 00:23:08,480 played on with a broken neck. HE didn't need a doctor. 481 00:23:08,520 --> 00:23:11,080 Well, he did... Load of fuss. 482 00:23:11,120 --> 00:23:14,400 Anyway, this doctor'll be fine cos she's a looker. 483 00:23:14,440 --> 00:23:17,040 Here. There's another one of my Margosia. 484 00:23:17,080 --> 00:23:18,760 That's when she was Miss Gdansk. 485 00:23:18,800 --> 00:23:22,000 You sure she's not after your money? 486 00:23:22,040 --> 00:23:25,360 No, seriously, are you sure she's not after your money? 487 00:23:25,400 --> 00:23:28,880 I love this one! She don't mince her words, does she? 488 00:23:30,160 --> 00:23:32,760 What's up? Well, I've just noticed we're parked illegally - 489 00:23:32,800 --> 00:23:34,560 the sign says not after four. 490 00:23:34,600 --> 00:23:37,440 Another job for Spencer.