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Ripped & Corrected By mstoll
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Ah, a toast, Will.
A toast to the age of exploration,
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and for once I'm paying.
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Every ship returning from the New World
brings riches to Albion's shore.
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Everyone's coining it in!
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You've got that right, Kit. Hmm!
I'm making plenty gold myself.
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You should get a piece of it, Will.
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Timid bull don't pleasure no cow.
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No, thank you, Lucy.
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I'm aware that the city's sharp boys
in their Italian-designed tights
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are coining it big on the New World
commodity market,
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also, that the occasional bonus
even trickles down
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to smaller investors like yourselves,
but I'm a conservative sort of bloke.
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I prefer to keep my money
in my puffling pants.
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Rubbish! You told me you were investing
in Burbage's new theatre.
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Bricks and mortar, Kit. Very different.
Solid. Respectable.
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Why invest in malodorous leaves
and tuberous root vegetables
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from a mosquito swap in North Virginia,
when you can build here in London,
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using bricks made of solid dung
and straw?
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Well, it's your loss, mate.
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Robert Greene is setting up a syndicate
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to buy the cargo off the next ship
that docks.
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He needs investors and - mmph! -
this fella's in!
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Me too.
I'm saving up to buy a warship,
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so I can cruise the Ivory Coast
freeing slaves.
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I've often wondered
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how you won your own freedom, Lucy.
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Perchance I'll immortalise the story
in a play.
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I bribed my way out with a diamond ring,
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which I cut from the man
who first stole me from my home.
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Goodness! You cut off his finger?
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It wasn't on his finger.
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Thoroughly invigorating woman.
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I'd miss her if she did go off and become
a lady pirate.
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Ahh!
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Quid agis, Marlowe?
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Omne bene, gratias, Greene.
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Ni illud velum sic habis bonum mane,
Shakespeare.
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Um... um... wait, I know this.
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Ah, yes, I was forgetting.
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You speak but little Latin.
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Sad. Come, now, Marlowe.
Have you money for your investment?
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I would fain not stay a moment longer in
these immoral surroundings than I must.
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Hey! Mr Greene! Here again so soon?
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Hey! Phwoar!
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You are a naughty boy.
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I know not what you mean.
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I am here to speak to Mr Marlowe.
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'Tis true, I occasionally visit
this establishment,
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but only in order to raise up fallen women
with Bible-reading.
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It is unlike you
to take the missionary position.
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The money, Marlowe.
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Da mihi pecunia.
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Hic pecunia mea.
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Just bung that on whatever's
in the next ship.
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Mr Shakespeare, vis ad obsedendam
in unico tempores opportunitate?
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- Um... Vis - that's "would".
- He's asking if you want to invest.
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Oh, uh, right. Well...
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Non ego... non.
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Non... quick...
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tibi...
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...keepus cashus...
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No matter. Most of the cargo
is already sold.
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The sacks of potatoes are spoken for,
likewise the bags of tobacco.
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Before long, the only thing
left on that boat
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will be a couple of cases of
syphilis sive morbus Gallicus.
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Oh, sorry, Will. You wouldn't get it.
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Latin joke.
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Need to have gone to Cambridge.
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Deum, daem, dadum,
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dadum, dadum da bloody dum.
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It's no good, Kate.
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It won't stay in that which supports a hat
but be not a hook,
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has a crown but be not a king,
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and is fringed with hair
but be not my Bolingbrokes.
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Pardon?
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He means his head, love.
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You will, Mr Shakespeare, you will.
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You already have your schoolboy Latin
to build on.
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I taught myself from scratch.
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Yes, but I think it's easier for girls,
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their heads being
otherwise so empty that...
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that there's more room to learn things.
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Yes, because that's really logical
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I don't know why you care, anyway.
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I mean, how many dead Romans
are you going to be chatting with?
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Apart from the obvious social advantages
of knowing Latin,
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all legal documents are writ
in the language of the Caesars.
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If I'm to be a theatre owner, I must be
able to read the contracts.
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Theatre owner?
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Such an exciting idea, Mr Shakespeare.
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Isn't it? Yes. Burbage must move
his productions to south of the river
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to escape the wrath of the God-prodding
pure-titties who run the city.
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Oh, I hate those God-prodding
pure-titties.
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They're so grim.
There's no singing, no dancing...
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Yes, and most crucially, no point!
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I searched the Bible in vain
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for the passage that tells us
that putting horseshoe nails
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on the inside of your codpiece
will give you a front-row cloud in heaven.
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Still, the pure-titties' righteous fury
could be the making of me,
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for Burbage has asked me to come in
with him as investor and producer.
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Such a joyful happenstance!
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And what's more,
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he has hinted that if I can but finish
my great teen romance in time,
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it will open the new house.
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Why don't you just tell him it's finished?
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- Because it isn't.
- It is if you want it to be.
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Liberate yourself. Just stop writing.
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Put a big full stop, and you're done.
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But nothing will be concluded
of plot or character.
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Trust me, no-one will notice.
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They're not really following, anyway.
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Your plays are too long.
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I mean, Richard III was nearly four hours.
That's just wrong.
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People cheered.
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Yeah, they were glad it was over!
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Didn't you get that?
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Bottom, your barbs do bite most bitterly.
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Well, no-one else will tell you except me.
You give 'em too much.
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Kate, you don't agree with this, do you?
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Well, they are quite long, Mr Shakespeare.
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I mean, it's all great.
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It's just sometimes, less is more.
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A short play's a good play.
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You don't want Juliet's balls dropping
halfway through the balcony scene.
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Well, that's true.
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And 'tis ever a danger
with these beardless youths
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that we must employ to play the ladies.
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Of course, if an actual girl
were playing the role...
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Oh, God, here we go.
Would you let it drop, woman?
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Girls can't act.
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No, no, Bottom. I confess I'm beginning to
come round to Kate's way of thinking.
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I would love to hear my Juliet
in the true voice of a maid.
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Sadly, we're constrained by law.
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It's so frustrating!
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A woman may not disport herself on stage
for fear she be thought a trollop.
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It does seem silly, but there it is.
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If ever I am to hope to sneak you
into Burbage's company,
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it must be in disguise.
You must make him believe that you be that
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which, though it hath teats,
hath no breasts,
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and though it hath balls,
be not a game of tennis.
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- You mean a man, right?
- Yes, I mean a man.
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A bit tortured, that one, if I'm honest,
Master.
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You have to let 'em roll
and then edit later.
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Now, I must be on my way.
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I'm to meet Burbage to discuss
our great venture.
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- Let me come.
- You, Kate? How so?
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I speak Latin,
I understand compound interest.
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I can be your secretary.
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But you're a girl.
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Girls can't be secretaries.
It's unheard of.
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Exactly!
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And so I shall come disguised as a man,
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and if I can do that without discovery,
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then surely I can audition as a boy
to play Juliet.
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Well, I suppose I could do with
a Latin speaker on my team.
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Oh, no. I don't like this at all.
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This is just rubbish, this is.
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You have an objection, Bottom?
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Yes, I have got a flippin' objection.
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I can't read, I can't write, I own nothing
and I'm sewn into my underwear,
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but at least I've got more rights
and status than any bloomin' bird!
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You start edging women into the workplace,
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then where's that going to leave
all of us pig-ignorant blokes?
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Now, Kate, be ever vigilant.
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The tiniest mistake could see you unmasked
as a weak and timorous girlie.
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What sort of mistake? Any hints?
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Well, do not, under any circumstances,
discuss your feelings.
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Not discuss feelings?
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What do men talk about?
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Sex, beer and sport.
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On the subject of feelings,
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if a rehearsal begins,
do not cry at the sad bits,
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and if blood sports be suggested,
and a pack of dogs
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be set upon a tethered goat for fun,
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you must cry, "Kill! Kill!"
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Not, "But he looks so sweet.
Why do we have to hurt him?"
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And, of course, there's the most important
factor of all in pretending to be a man.
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What's that?
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I must ne'er be seen to perform
a multitude of tasks
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all at the same moment.
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For 'tis a fact well known that men
cannot perform a multitude of tasks
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all at the same moment.
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Actually, that's a fundamental
misunderstanding on the part of you girls.
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In fact, men can perform a multitude
of tasks all at the same moment.
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We just prefer to sit around
drinking beer.
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So, Master Shakespeare, we come,
as promised, to discuss plans
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for our new theatre and... Who's this?
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Cuthbert, my secretary. A young fellow
who would make a life in the theatre.
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Wotch, you bunch of hugger-tuggers!
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Anyone get any minge last night?
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Boo-hey! I love minge.
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Seems a very pleasant fellow, Will.
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Yes, come and sit down, Cuthbert.
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Tell you what, perhaps later on
we'll go bear-baiting, eh?
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Brilliant! I certainly won't cry!
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So, Will, as you know,
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the God-prodding pure-titties in the city
have forced our company
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beyond London's walls, so we plan to build
south of the river, in Southwark.
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Yes. England's first
purpose-built theatre.
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Think of it, Burbage!
We're actually inventing the form.
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Absolutely.
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It falls upon us to lay
the very foundation stone
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of theatre architecture.
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So, a playhouse.
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What is it?
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A big space... for people to stand in.
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Yes. That's a good beginning.
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Yes. What else? What else?
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A stage at one end, probably?
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A stage, for certain. A stage.
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This is so exciting,
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and since our building will be only
for the production of plays
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and not also for boozing and bear-baiting,
as has been the custom to date,
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there's no limit to the effects
we can install!
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Traps, drapes, screens -
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with such devices great battles
and mighty tempests can be presented.
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Hmm, yeah? Really?
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Not sure.
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You have an observation to make, Kempe?
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Just saying. Battles? Tempests? Bit dated?
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Wrong thing to say? Don't care.
Said it now, so...
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Dated, Kempe?
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Not going to lie. All that shouting,
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all that, "Oh, I'm a king
and my army's all dead..."
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That's not relatable.
That's not interesting.
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What do you suggest?
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Well, instead of setting the big scene
in a battle,
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why not set it
in the king's counting house?
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In an office?
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Observational, see?
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Minimal is the new epic.
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Yeah? Instead of having heroic characters
struggling with war and murder,
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they could all be really ordinary
and worried about really tiny things,
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like, "Oh, did you use my quill?"
"Oh, was that your quill?"
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00:10:48,080 --> 00:10:50,992
"Well, yeah. That was my quill.
It's got my name on it."
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00:10:51,040 --> 00:10:52,314
"Oh, sorry."
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00:10:52,360 --> 00:10:56,353
"Well, you can borrow it, but if you ask,
maybe. Please respect my stuff."
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That sort of thing. It'd be brilliant.
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Do shut up, Kempe.
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We must consider the auditorium too.
242
00:11:02,400 --> 00:11:04,231
We'll need a toilet, methinks.
243
00:11:04,280 --> 00:11:05,952
Will's plays be very long.
244
00:11:06,000 --> 00:11:07,228
Very, very long.
245
00:11:07,280 --> 00:11:09,111
Incredibly long. Like mad long.
246
00:11:09,160 --> 00:11:10,434
They're not long!
247
00:11:10,480 --> 00:11:11,833
A bit long, Will.
248
00:11:11,880 --> 00:11:15,793
Yes, we'll definitely need a big trench
out the back to piss in.
249
00:11:17,280 --> 00:11:19,669
And numerous closeted stalls
for the ladies,
250
00:11:19,720 --> 00:11:21,870
20 or 30, I'd say,
otherwise there'll be a queue.
251
00:11:21,920 --> 00:11:24,115
The ladies?
You think we should cover for them?
252
00:11:24,160 --> 00:11:25,354
Well, of course, yeah.
253
00:11:25,400 --> 00:11:28,278
While there be no ladies on stage,
many do attend the play.
254
00:11:28,320 --> 00:11:33,348
Yes, well, I suppose we could knock up
a little shed and put a bucket in it.
255
00:11:33,400 --> 00:11:35,550
So, the conveniences.
256
00:11:35,600 --> 00:11:38,592
A 20-yard pissoir for the men,
257
00:11:38,640 --> 00:11:41,677
and a single bucket in a cupboard
for the ladies.
258
00:11:41,720 --> 00:11:44,109
Mr Burbage, a single stall?
259
00:11:44,160 --> 00:11:47,789
Surely you can see that in times
of greatest traffic, such as the interval,
260
00:11:47,840 --> 00:11:50,752
a large queue will form of angry ladies
with their legs crossed.
261
00:11:50,800 --> 00:11:53,519
Remember, sirrah,
that what we design here today
262
00:11:53,560 --> 00:11:57,599
will set the pattern for theatres
across future centuries.
263
00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:01,439
So, as I say...
264
00:12:02,480 --> 00:12:04,869
...a 20-yard pissoir for the men
265
00:12:04,920 --> 00:12:07,036
and a single bucket in a cupboard
for the ladies.
266
00:12:07,080 --> 00:12:08,638
Have a care, young Kate,
267
00:12:08,680 --> 00:12:11,877
for your outrageous special pleading
for your own sex will unmask you.
268
00:12:11,920 --> 00:12:14,514
- It's just so unfair!
- Right, lunch!
269
00:12:14,560 --> 00:12:16,312
I have a meat pie.
270
00:12:16,360 --> 00:12:17,839
- Meat pie.
- Meat pasty.
271
00:12:17,880 --> 00:12:19,359
Meat pie.
272
00:12:23,040 --> 00:12:26,077
Oh, I've made a lovely little salad,
which you're all welcome to pick at.
273
00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:28,236
Just some fresh leaves and carrot goujons.
274
00:12:28,280 --> 00:12:31,909
Also some rose petals, just for scent
and colour, but you can eat them.
275
00:12:31,960 --> 00:12:34,793
You're a bloody girl, aren't you?
276
00:12:34,840 --> 00:12:38,150
An ambitious little bitchington
trying to steal my job!
277
00:12:38,200 --> 00:12:40,236
No. Minge! Flange!
278
00:12:40,280 --> 00:12:41,599
Anal!
279
00:12:43,160 --> 00:12:45,196
We get one like you every fortnight.
280
00:12:45,240 --> 00:12:47,390
Silly little girls pretending to be boys,
281
00:12:47,440 --> 00:12:51,797
in the pathetic hope that they'll be
as good at being girls as boys are.
282
00:12:51,840 --> 00:12:53,637
Be gone, you foul sluttage.
283
00:12:53,680 --> 00:12:55,671
And find yourself a husband!
284
00:12:55,720 --> 00:12:58,154
So, theatre design complete. Now,
285
00:12:58,200 --> 00:13:00,760
if you want to be in on this venture,
you've got to invest.
286
00:13:00,800 --> 00:13:03,234
Four quid minimum shares.
Are you in or out?
287
00:13:03,280 --> 00:13:06,989
In, Burbage. I journey to Stratford
this very e'en to get the cash!
288
00:13:07,040 --> 00:13:07,950
Hoorah.
289
00:13:08,000 --> 00:13:10,230
For there is a tide in the affairs of men
290
00:13:10,280 --> 00:13:13,955
which, taken at the flood,
leads on to fortune.
291
00:13:16,280 --> 00:13:17,429
Meaning?
292
00:13:17,480 --> 00:13:21,393
Well, I'm just reiterating, really...
293
00:13:21,440 --> 00:13:24,000
...that I'm going to Stratford
to get the cash.
294
00:13:24,040 --> 00:13:25,439
His stuff's too long.
295
00:13:25,480 --> 00:13:27,118
- Oh, very long.
- Very, very long.
296
00:13:29,440 --> 00:13:31,476
God, what a journey!
297
00:13:31,520 --> 00:13:36,435
Lost a whole half-day stuck behind
a seriously unhelpful shepherd,
298
00:13:36,480 --> 00:13:40,268
who simply refused to pull his sheep over
to the side of the lane.
299
00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:42,959
Let me tell you,
when we finally did edge alongside,
300
00:13:43,000 --> 00:13:46,709
we all made some seriously rude gestures
out of the carriage window.
301
00:13:46,760 --> 00:13:50,469
Which was satisfying, but considering it
took three hours to pass him,
302
00:13:50,520 --> 00:13:52,317
rather tiring on the arm.
303
00:13:54,120 --> 00:13:56,111
Well, I'm glad you're back, love.
304
00:13:56,160 --> 00:13:59,550
Your "dad jobs" list's getting longer
than a pure-titty's sermon.
305
00:13:59,600 --> 00:14:00,874
Aye, mistress.
306
00:14:00,920 --> 00:14:02,956
Such was the longing I felt for thee,
307
00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:05,514
so fervently did tug the bonds of love
308
00:14:05,560 --> 00:14:09,519
that I must needs forswear all other
thoughts and hasten to thy side.
309
00:14:09,560 --> 00:14:11,357
What d'you want?
310
00:14:11,400 --> 00:14:12,833
The family savings.
311
00:14:12,880 --> 00:14:14,438
Our savings?
312
00:14:14,480 --> 00:14:15,913
Yep. All of them.
313
00:14:15,960 --> 00:14:17,518
The whole four quid.
314
00:14:17,560 --> 00:14:20,313
What about our plans to buy New Place?
315
00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:24,831
And Susanna's dowry? She be 13
and thus fast approaching marrying age.
316
00:14:24,880 --> 00:14:27,314
And she's such a gobby little bitchington,
317
00:14:27,360 --> 00:14:31,353
I really don't think we're going to
off-load her for less than ten bob.
318
00:14:31,400 --> 00:14:33,072
Shut up! God, you're so weird.
319
00:14:33,120 --> 00:14:35,111
Everything I do is wrong. Shut up!
320
00:14:35,160 --> 00:14:38,277
And I've told you ten times
to move your cup and plate
321
00:14:38,320 --> 00:14:39,912
and tidy away your clothes.
322
00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:42,190
I'm busy.
323
00:14:42,240 --> 00:14:43,719
Why is it always me?
324
00:14:43,760 --> 00:14:45,990
Ask the twins. Shut up.
325
00:14:46,040 --> 00:14:47,234
'Tis true, Wife.
326
00:14:47,280 --> 00:14:50,317
Unless we can happen upon a youth
who finds selfish lethargy
327
00:14:50,360 --> 00:14:53,318
and impenetrable self-righteousness
attractive,
328
00:14:53,360 --> 00:14:55,828
we may stuck with her for quite a while.
329
00:14:55,880 --> 00:14:57,836
I didst not ask to be brought forth
330
00:14:57,880 --> 00:15:00,440
- into the world.
- What do you mean, you want our savings?
331
00:15:00,480 --> 00:15:03,074
I want them in order to double them.
332
00:15:03,120 --> 00:15:04,439
Treble them.
333
00:15:04,480 --> 00:15:07,517
Burbage and I intend to build a theatre
on the south bank.
334
00:15:11,280 --> 00:15:12,679
Wife...
335
00:15:12,720 --> 00:15:14,711
nearly all the money's gone.
336
00:15:14,760 --> 00:15:16,796
Our savings? Stolen?
337
00:15:16,840 --> 00:15:20,037
Yes. We had four pounds,
and now there's only one.
338
00:15:20,080 --> 00:15:21,399
Oh, the shame of it.
339
00:15:21,440 --> 00:15:22,634
Your own son.
340
00:15:23,720 --> 00:15:24,675
Mum?
341
00:15:24,720 --> 00:15:26,631
He took it. Your father.
342
00:15:26,680 --> 00:15:30,673
To think, me, an Arden,
married to a thief!
343
00:15:30,720 --> 00:15:33,518
Oh, yeah, cos it's all about you,
isn't it?
344
00:15:33,560 --> 00:15:36,916
He's been fined again.
Illegal wool-trading.
345
00:15:36,960 --> 00:15:40,270
He bought and sold sheepskin
without paying the excise.
346
00:15:40,320 --> 00:15:41,912
Oh, the shame of it!
347
00:15:41,960 --> 00:15:44,110
The very shame.
348
00:15:44,160 --> 00:15:46,958
Dad, be this true?
Are you become a criminal?
349
00:15:47,000 --> 00:15:48,274
Criminal?
350
00:15:48,320 --> 00:15:51,949
Well, depends how you define "criminal".
351
00:15:52,000 --> 00:15:53,558
Somebody who has broken the law.
352
00:15:53,600 --> 00:15:55,750
But which law?
353
00:15:55,800 --> 00:15:57,995
Real law or natural law?
354
00:15:58,040 --> 00:15:59,155
Real law.
355
00:15:59,200 --> 00:16:01,350
What about all the bankers and traders
356
00:16:01,400 --> 00:16:03,960
who've tempted thousands
to lose everything
357
00:16:04,000 --> 00:16:06,468
in a fruitless search for
mythical El Dorados?
358
00:16:06,520 --> 00:16:08,238
They're the real criminals.
359
00:16:08,280 --> 00:16:11,317
Yes. If by "the real" you mean "also".
360
00:16:13,560 --> 00:16:17,553
None of this makes it all right
for you to steal my life savings!
361
00:16:17,600 --> 00:16:19,431
Look, I was desperate!
362
00:16:19,480 --> 00:16:21,835
When you turned down my idea
363
00:16:21,880 --> 00:16:25,919
for a dad-son double act,
it was the last straw.
364
00:16:25,960 --> 00:16:27,598
This is my fault?!
365
00:16:27,640 --> 00:16:29,995
Well, I do think you might have
considered the idea, William.
366
00:16:30,040 --> 00:16:31,996
I still think we can make it work.
367
00:16:32,040 --> 00:16:34,315
I have to find three pounds
in the next week,
368
00:16:34,360 --> 00:16:38,558
and shameless, self-indulgent,
cross-generational fame-whoring
369
00:16:38,600 --> 00:16:41,433
ain't gonna do the job!
370
00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:45,719
So, Mr Shakespeare,
371
00:16:45,760 --> 00:16:47,990
you wish to invest after all?
372
00:16:48,040 --> 00:16:49,837
Yes. I... I have a pound
373
00:16:49,880 --> 00:16:53,111
and would hope for a great return,
as you promised.
374
00:16:53,160 --> 00:16:54,991
I also said you should hurry, sir.
375
00:16:55,040 --> 00:16:59,431
All the investments are made -
the potatoes, the tobacco, the spices.
376
00:16:59,480 --> 00:17:02,950
But what about those cases of
syphilis whatnot you mentioned?
377
00:17:03,000 --> 00:17:04,991
You said there might be
some of those left.
378
00:17:06,640 --> 00:17:11,668
And so does this upstart crow's
lack of education condemn him.
379
00:17:11,720 --> 00:17:14,598
I have him in my clutches!
380
00:17:14,640 --> 00:17:16,153
Hmm...
381
00:17:16,200 --> 00:17:18,316
Well, now, let me see.
382
00:17:19,480 --> 00:17:24,349
Yes, it seems, in fact, there are a number
of cases of syphilis reported
383
00:17:24,400 --> 00:17:25,992
on a ship just docked.
384
00:17:26,040 --> 00:17:28,395
Then I would beg you,
let me invest in one.
385
00:17:28,440 --> 00:17:29,839
By all means.
386
00:17:29,880 --> 00:17:34,078
Although, caveat emptor.
For the purposes of my duty of care,
387
00:17:34,120 --> 00:17:37,510
you are aware of the nature
of that in which you would invest?
388
00:17:37,560 --> 00:17:40,199
Who cares?
It's been imported from America.
389
00:17:40,240 --> 00:17:43,471
We in England will instantly
adopt anything from America.
390
00:17:44,560 --> 00:17:47,279
What is a potato but a starchy tuber?
391
00:17:47,320 --> 00:17:49,709
What is tobacco but a dried weed?
392
00:17:49,760 --> 00:17:53,275
What is a corn cob
but a big yellow bobbly dildo?
393
00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:59,233
I would invest in the very next case
of syphilis that be brought ashore.
394
00:17:59,280 --> 00:18:00,998
I have a pound.
395
00:18:01,040 --> 00:18:03,793
I fear the minimum stake would be two.
396
00:18:03,840 --> 00:18:05,637
I have but one.
397
00:18:05,680 --> 00:18:07,989
The trap shuts.
398
00:18:08,040 --> 00:18:11,999
Why, sir, let me lend you another.
399
00:18:12,040 --> 00:18:13,519
Really?
400
00:18:13,560 --> 00:18:14,629
You'd do that for me?
401
00:18:14,680 --> 00:18:17,240
And for surety on the capital?
402
00:18:17,280 --> 00:18:19,475
Name it. My house? My wife?
403
00:18:19,520 --> 00:18:22,080
No, sir, nothing so onerous.
404
00:18:22,120 --> 00:18:24,270
Let us just say that, for my one pound,
405
00:18:24,320 --> 00:18:26,880
I would want merely one pound back...
406
00:18:26,920 --> 00:18:28,512
Well, that seems very reasonable.
407
00:18:28,560 --> 00:18:31,199
...of your flesh.
408
00:18:32,920 --> 00:18:35,195
So, the investment's sorted.
409
00:18:35,240 --> 00:18:37,879
I'm off to the Red Lion.
410
00:18:37,920 --> 00:18:40,992
Burbage is conducting
preliminary auditions for my Juliet
411
00:18:41,040 --> 00:18:43,634
and if I'm not careful,
he'll choose the wrong boy.
412
00:18:43,680 --> 00:18:46,672
Oh, Mr Shakespeare, let me try again.
Please!
413
00:18:46,720 --> 00:18:47,835
Kate, I've told you.
414
00:18:47,880 --> 00:18:50,394
In order to be a girl,
you must first be a boy.
415
00:18:50,440 --> 00:18:51,668
Give me another go.
416
00:18:51,720 --> 00:18:52,869
Give me some hints.
417
00:18:52,920 --> 00:18:55,559
I just need to get deeper into character.
418
00:18:55,600 --> 00:18:58,319
Well... all right.
419
00:18:58,360 --> 00:19:02,592
Supposing we go to the tavern where
the new American potato tuber be served,
420
00:19:02,640 --> 00:19:04,551
diced into batons and fried.
421
00:19:04,600 --> 00:19:07,876
- Oh, God, I love them!
- Aye, all men do. Women also.
422
00:19:07,920 --> 00:19:11,754
And here, Kate, lies the rub,
for without care you will be exposed.
423
00:19:11,800 --> 00:19:12,915
How so, Mr Shakespeare?
424
00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:16,953
When the diced potato tuber be offered,
do not refuse to order your own,
425
00:19:17,000 --> 00:19:19,070
only then to steal it
from another's plate.
426
00:19:19,120 --> 00:19:20,872
Oh, my God, I so do that.
427
00:19:20,920 --> 00:19:23,673
For then will all at table
know you are a girl.
428
00:19:23,720 --> 00:19:25,438
I'll be so careful.
429
00:19:25,480 --> 00:19:28,040
Will you also lend me
another suit of clothes
430
00:19:28,080 --> 00:19:30,116
so they don't recognise me from last time?
431
00:19:30,160 --> 00:19:32,230
All right. But we have to hurry.
432
00:19:34,360 --> 00:19:35,998
Kate, you must decide!
433
00:19:36,040 --> 00:19:37,951
I can't! I can't.
434
00:19:38,000 --> 00:19:41,310
Every garment from the wardrobe
hath been hurled upon the bed
435
00:19:41,360 --> 00:19:42,793
and yet you still claim
436
00:19:42,840 --> 00:19:46,116
that you have not a single thing
with which to robe yourself!
437
00:19:46,160 --> 00:19:49,789
Full, round and plumpish
all do make me look.
438
00:19:49,840 --> 00:19:53,150
But, Kate, can't you see
this is a case in point?
439
00:19:53,200 --> 00:19:55,634
As with the diced, fried tuber-batons.
440
00:19:55,680 --> 00:19:57,671
Girls can't stop being girlie.
441
00:19:57,720 --> 00:19:59,790
'Tis at the very core of their nature.
442
00:19:59,840 --> 00:20:03,230
A man would simply grab the first pair
of puffling pants to hand,
443
00:20:03,280 --> 00:20:04,838
give them the sniff test,
444
00:20:04,880 --> 00:20:08,589
and if they be not actually rotted
with his dung, shove em on!
445
00:20:08,640 --> 00:20:10,596
I've only ever owned a single pair!
446
00:20:10,640 --> 00:20:13,234
I've had these on for 15 years.
447
00:20:13,280 --> 00:20:14,838
You must decide.
448
00:20:14,880 --> 00:20:17,030
All right. Which do you think?
449
00:20:17,080 --> 00:20:19,640
- These or these?
- Those.
450
00:20:19,680 --> 00:20:20,669
So you hate these?
451
00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:22,790
You think I look full, round and plumpish
in these?
452
00:20:22,840 --> 00:20:25,115
No, you asked me, by Jehovah's nostrils!
453
00:20:25,160 --> 00:20:29,756
You... you forced a choice upon me and
then you turned that choice into a slight!
454
00:20:29,800 --> 00:20:32,394
Was ever there a thing so girlie?
455
00:20:32,440 --> 00:20:35,318
- This is impossible!
- All right. I'll go with these.
456
00:20:35,360 --> 00:20:37,874
Finally. And actually,
for what it's worth,
457
00:20:37,920 --> 00:20:39,876
I think you look very nice
in those puffling pants.
458
00:20:39,920 --> 00:20:41,558
Yeah, right. As if. I do not.
459
00:20:41,600 --> 00:20:42,828
You're obviously lying.
460
00:20:42,880 --> 00:20:45,758
Oh, God. Look, Kate,
I'm sorry, but I'm not doing this.
461
00:20:45,800 --> 00:20:48,678
It's quite clear that you can never
convince as a man
462
00:20:48,720 --> 00:20:52,190
and, therefore, there is no possibility
of your ever earning the opportunity
463
00:20:52,240 --> 00:20:55,437
to convince as a woman.
Now, I have far more pressing concerns.
464
00:20:55,480 --> 00:20:59,268
You wait, Mr Shakespeare.
I will find a way to prove my worth.
465
00:20:59,320 --> 00:21:06,237
Kate, gentle Kate, thou provest thy worth
every day with thy joyous smile,
466
00:21:06,280 --> 00:21:10,751
thy girlish laugh and the soft, tender
grace that all Eve's daughters
467
00:21:10,800 --> 00:21:12,950
bring to the rough world of men.
468
00:21:13,000 --> 00:21:16,675
Oh, Mr Shakespeare,
you are like he who gives support,
469
00:21:16,720 --> 00:21:19,837
like that which sweetens
all that it covers.
470
00:21:19,880 --> 00:21:23,270
You are a great poet
and are like the heavens.
471
00:21:23,320 --> 00:21:27,233
Kate, your words move me,
but I would fain know their meaning.
472
00:21:27,280 --> 00:21:30,158
Why, he who gives support is a patron,
473
00:21:30,200 --> 00:21:33,158
that which sweetens all that it covers
be but icing,
474
00:21:33,200 --> 00:21:35,395
a great poet is a bard,
475
00:21:35,440 --> 00:21:37,670
and the heavens, of course, be starred.
476
00:21:37,720 --> 00:21:40,280
Put them together and you get...
477
00:21:40,320 --> 00:21:43,630
Patron... icing... bard... starred.
478
00:21:44,680 --> 00:21:46,238
I'll leave it with you.
479
00:21:48,880 --> 00:21:52,668
God!
Her and her women's emancipation stuff.
480
00:21:52,720 --> 00:21:54,039
Yeah.
481
00:21:54,080 --> 00:21:57,152
Talk about having a diced, fried
tuber-baton on her shoulder...
482
00:21:59,080 --> 00:22:01,389
I think I'm outward-going
and with a great personality.
483
00:22:01,440 --> 00:22:04,591
It's my dream to play Juliet,
and I really, really want it.
484
00:22:05,640 --> 00:22:06,709
Thank you. Next.
485
00:22:06,760 --> 00:22:09,797
But you haven't heard my backstory!
486
00:22:09,840 --> 00:22:11,478
My mum's just got the plague!
487
00:22:11,520 --> 00:22:13,795
I was bullied at dame school.
488
00:22:13,840 --> 00:22:15,558
I'm bringing up my sister's son.
489
00:22:15,600 --> 00:22:16,749
I said next!
490
00:22:16,800 --> 00:22:18,279
You'll see.
491
00:22:18,320 --> 00:22:20,231
I'll be a futtocking star,
492
00:22:20,280 --> 00:22:22,555
and then you'll look like dicks.
493
00:22:24,200 --> 00:22:27,351
Crappage. Crappage! Crappage.
They all be crappage.
494
00:22:27,400 --> 00:22:31,154
At this rate, our theatre will be built
before we find our Juliet.
495
00:22:31,200 --> 00:22:34,237
But you've got your bloody Juliet. Me!
496
00:22:34,280 --> 00:22:38,353
Except, oh, that's right, once an actor
who plays women reaches a certain age,
497
00:22:38,400 --> 00:22:39,992
the roles dry up.
498
00:22:41,480 --> 00:22:45,678
My dear Condell,
Juliet be but a maid of 13.
499
00:22:45,720 --> 00:22:50,271
And Romeo be 14, yet no doubt
Burbage here will be playing him.
500
00:22:50,320 --> 00:22:53,073
Oh, yes, it's all right for actors
who play men.
501
00:22:53,120 --> 00:22:55,793
They can be geriatric
and still get romantic leads.
502
00:22:55,840 --> 00:22:58,274
But we actors who play women
are tossed away
503
00:22:58,320 --> 00:23:00,959
in favour of younger actors
who play women.
504
00:23:01,000 --> 00:23:02,433
Enough of this carping.
505
00:23:02,480 --> 00:23:04,516
We've a play to cast
and a theatre to build.
506
00:23:04,560 --> 00:23:07,632
Speaking of which, Will,
have you your four pounds investment?
507
00:23:07,680 --> 00:23:08,999
At any moment, Burbage.
508
00:23:09,040 --> 00:23:11,076
I expect news of my investment
on the hour.
509
00:23:11,120 --> 00:23:14,510
Mr Shakespeare, we've just got a note
from the Board of Trade.
510
00:23:14,560 --> 00:23:15,879
Ah, brilliant!
511
00:23:15,920 --> 00:23:18,593
Not brilliant. I'm ruined.
512
00:23:18,640 --> 00:23:20,995
My investment was in twice-poxed sailors.
513
00:23:21,040 --> 00:23:24,077
Your ignorance condemns you, sirrah.
514
00:23:24,120 --> 00:23:26,429
Syphilis sive morbus Gallicus
515
00:23:26,480 --> 00:23:29,313
is but the recently coined
term for the French disease,
516
00:23:29,360 --> 00:23:34,878
but since the name be conjured by the poet
and astronomer Hieronymus Fracastorius
517
00:23:34,920 --> 00:23:37,070
in his Latin lyrical verse cycle,
518
00:23:37,120 --> 00:23:41,272
an oikish country bum-snot like you
knows not of it.
519
00:23:41,320 --> 00:23:44,915
I'm sorry, Burbage. I'm broke,
and cannot invest in your theatre.
520
00:23:44,960 --> 00:23:48,236
Oh, I think your problems are
a little more urgent than that, sirrah.
521
00:23:48,280 --> 00:23:54,230
I would have my pound back, and if it be
not in monies, then let it be in flesh!
522
00:23:55,360 --> 00:23:56,918
But I... I have no monies.
523
00:23:56,960 --> 00:23:59,679
Then these officers of the law
will keep you safe
524
00:23:59,720 --> 00:24:02,678
until a court of law orders
that my debt be paid!
525
00:24:02,720 --> 00:24:07,510
But, Greene, a pound of flesh cut from
a man means certain death.
526
00:24:07,560 --> 00:24:09,391
Hmm... yes.
527
00:24:10,560 --> 00:24:12,755
I'll get a lawyer! I'll fight this case!
528
00:24:12,800 --> 00:24:14,916
Your case is hopeless, sirrah!
529
00:24:14,960 --> 00:24:16,757
I have my signed bond.
530
00:24:16,800 --> 00:24:20,236
There is not a man in London
who will represent you.
531
00:24:20,280 --> 00:24:22,032
Take him away.
532
00:24:23,080 --> 00:24:27,631
All rise for His Honour
Sir Robert Roberts, judge presiding.
533
00:24:27,680 --> 00:24:28,999
Be seated.
534
00:24:31,600 --> 00:24:34,831
Who will speak for the prosecution?
535
00:24:34,880 --> 00:24:37,678
I, my lord, will prosecute.
536
00:24:37,720 --> 00:24:42,157
Being a Cambridge graduate,
I am of course a qualified lawyer.
537
00:24:42,200 --> 00:24:44,395
And who will speak for the defence?
538
00:24:44,440 --> 00:24:47,989
I fear none, my lord,
for this case is so hopeless
539
00:24:48,040 --> 00:24:51,635
that there be not a single man in London
who will speak for this wretch.
540
00:24:51,680 --> 00:24:53,079
Not so, sir.
541
00:24:54,320 --> 00:24:57,710
I am a man... and a lawyer.
542
00:24:57,760 --> 00:25:00,877
And I will defend this wronged man.
543
00:25:00,920 --> 00:25:02,478
You, sirrah, who are you?
544
00:25:02,520 --> 00:25:04,511
I am Cuthbert Capulet, Your Honour.
545
00:25:04,560 --> 00:25:08,348
Do you wish to argue that Master Greene
should not take his bond?
546
00:25:08,400 --> 00:25:10,197
Go for it, good Kate.
547
00:25:10,240 --> 00:25:12,549
Nail him with some brilliant Latin stuff.
548
00:25:13,600 --> 00:25:15,750
On the contrary, my lord,
549
00:25:15,800 --> 00:25:19,395
if Mr Greene wishes to cut a pound
of flesh from my client, then he must,
550
00:25:19,440 --> 00:25:21,192
for 'tis his legal right.
551
00:25:21,240 --> 00:25:22,559
- What?!
- Master Greene,
552
00:25:22,600 --> 00:25:24,670
you may extract your bond.
553
00:25:24,720 --> 00:25:28,554
Oh, how sweet
554
00:25:28,600 --> 00:25:33,196
will be this unkindest cut of all.
555
00:25:33,240 --> 00:25:37,836
Please, Master Greene.
The quality of mercy is not strained.
556
00:25:37,880 --> 00:25:41,873
It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven
upon the earth beneath.
557
00:25:41,920 --> 00:25:44,992
Not even iambic pentameter
can save you now!
558
00:25:45,040 --> 00:25:46,996
Tarry a little.
559
00:25:47,040 --> 00:25:48,678
There is something else.
560
00:25:49,800 --> 00:25:54,715
This bond doth give thee here
no jot of blood.
561
00:25:54,760 --> 00:25:56,637
I beg your pardon?
562
00:25:56,680 --> 00:25:58,352
Take then thy bond.
563
00:25:58,400 --> 00:26:01,915
Take thou thy pound of flesh,
but in the cutting it,
564
00:26:01,960 --> 00:26:04,997
if thou doth shed one drop
of Christian blood...
565
00:26:05,040 --> 00:26:06,712
No blood?! How can I avoid it?
566
00:26:06,760 --> 00:26:08,318
Exactly, sirrah.
567
00:26:08,360 --> 00:26:11,750
If you must take your flesh,
you must needs also steal blood,
568
00:26:11,800 --> 00:26:14,234
and thus would my client die.
569
00:26:14,280 --> 00:26:17,352
Well, I must say,
this does alter things a bit.
570
00:26:17,400 --> 00:26:19,960
Will you still take your bond,
Master Greene?
571
00:26:20,000 --> 00:26:22,958
I shall be happy enough to try you
straight' way after for murder.
572
00:26:23,000 --> 00:26:27,630
But, my lord, this Capulet's argument
is utterly spurious!
573
00:26:27,680 --> 00:26:29,910
Why, flesh contains blood!
574
00:26:29,960 --> 00:26:33,350
Flesh be not flesh without it.
You do not visit the butcher and say,
575
00:26:33,400 --> 00:26:36,597
"A pound of beef, and don't forget
to leave the blood in," do you?
576
00:26:36,640 --> 00:26:40,269
Actually, that's very true. Master Greene
is entirely and absolutely right.
577
00:26:40,320 --> 00:26:44,029
Your whole pound-of-flesh argument
is in fact wafer-thin rubbish!
578
00:26:44,080 --> 00:26:48,073
I'm sorry, Mr Shakespeare, you're going to
have to let him carve a steak off.
579
00:26:48,120 --> 00:26:49,269
But I'll die!
580
00:26:49,320 --> 00:26:50,230
Hmm. Sorry.
581
00:26:50,280 --> 00:26:51,952
Right, lunch recess.
582
00:26:58,240 --> 00:26:59,958
A moment, Mr Greene!
583
00:27:01,320 --> 00:27:03,072
Your Honour, may I approach the bench?
584
00:27:03,120 --> 00:27:05,031
Come.
585
00:27:05,080 --> 00:27:08,197
Just wanted to say, nice gown.
586
00:27:08,240 --> 00:27:09,468
Really loving it.
587
00:27:09,520 --> 00:27:11,272
Thanks so much.
588
00:27:11,320 --> 00:27:13,390
I thought it might make me look
a bit full, round and plumpish.
589
00:27:13,440 --> 00:27:17,592
So, a salad-eater who thinks a perfectly
nice gown makes him look fat.
590
00:27:17,640 --> 00:27:19,756
Or should I say, makes her look fat?
591
00:27:19,800 --> 00:27:21,119
You're a girl!
592
00:27:21,160 --> 00:27:22,513
It's true!
593
00:27:23,560 --> 00:27:26,074
Ever since I first came to London
as a young girl
594
00:27:26,120 --> 00:27:28,031
I've known that it's a man's world.
595
00:27:28,080 --> 00:27:31,595
And to prosper I must needs become one.
596
00:27:31,640 --> 00:27:34,074
Please, do not expose me.
597
00:27:34,120 --> 00:27:35,917
Don't worry, I get it. I really do.
598
00:27:35,960 --> 00:27:38,110
Just let my client walk
and your secret's safe.
599
00:27:41,120 --> 00:27:42,235
Case dismissed!
600
00:27:42,280 --> 00:27:45,955
- What?!
- Costs awarded against the plaintiff.
601
00:27:46,000 --> 00:27:47,672
- Set at...
- I need four quid.
602
00:27:47,720 --> 00:27:48,914
Four pounds!
603
00:27:48,960 --> 00:27:51,428
- I love your shoes.
- Thanks, Judge Robert.
604
00:27:51,480 --> 00:27:52,913
Please...
605
00:27:52,960 --> 00:27:54,837
call me Bob.
606
00:27:59,000 --> 00:28:03,710
Kate saved my sweet white
country arsington and no mistake.
607
00:28:03,760 --> 00:28:06,149
If the judge hadn't turned out
to be another woman,
608
00:28:06,200 --> 00:28:09,033
I'd be a couple of giblets
short of a playwright.
609
00:28:09,080 --> 00:28:11,469
Yeah, well, it's lucky
you didn't have to rely on
610
00:28:11,520 --> 00:28:13,875
her stupid pound-of-flesh argument.
611
00:28:13,920 --> 00:28:16,912
It's bloody obvious flesh contains blood.
612
00:28:16,960 --> 00:28:21,158
If the end of one of your play's
hinged on such a half-baked notion,
613
00:28:21,200 --> 00:28:25,955
all would boo and jeer
and call thee a total wankington.
614
00:28:27,000 --> 00:28:28,194
Hmm, yes.
615
00:28:28,240 --> 00:28:29,798
Absolutely.
616
00:28:29,840 --> 00:28:31,558
Although it might work.
617
00:28:31,600 --> 00:28:35,388
You know, if I buried it
in a lot of iambic pentameter.
618
00:28:35,440 --> 00:28:37,635
Well, it's your call, love.
619
00:28:37,680 --> 00:28:39,159
You're the genius.
620
00:28:39,200 --> 00:28:41,714
Yes, Wife. I absolutely am.
621
00:28:44,000 --> 00:28:49,000
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll