1
00:00:04,497 --> 00:00:06,417
[cell door slams]
2
00:00:07,097 --> 00:00:08,457
[theme song playing]
3
00:00:53,497 --> 00:00:55,257
[cell door slams]
4
00:01:10,377 --> 00:01:12,057
[cell door slams]
5
00:01:15,337 --> 00:01:17,257
[inmates talking indistinctly]
6
00:01:19,417 --> 00:01:21,377
I've never seen it this long.
7
00:01:21,457 --> 00:01:23,697
This is worse than Disneyland.
8
00:01:23,777 --> 00:01:24,977
You've been to Disneyland?
9
00:01:25,057 --> 00:01:28,457
Uh, we go to this off-brand
version outside of Worcester.
10
00:01:29,337 --> 00:01:31,777
For years, I thought his
name was Milton Mouse.
11
00:01:32,737 --> 00:01:34,457
- That's fucked up.
- [Laughs]
12
00:01:34,537 --> 00:01:37,057
And Snow White had a
lot of mud in her snow,
13
00:01:37,137 --> 00:01:38,297
if you know what I mean.
14
00:01:38,377 --> 00:01:40,537
What's that supposed to
mean, you're out of maxi pads?
15
00:01:40,617 --> 00:01:44,297
It means there's 100 new inmates,
but the same budget for inessentials.
16
00:01:45,097 --> 00:01:46,337
[scoffs] You hear that?
17
00:01:46,417 --> 00:01:49,657
My baby box is inessential.
18
00:01:49,737 --> 00:01:50,777
[inmate] No way.
19
00:01:50,857 --> 00:01:52,937
You can buy tampons at commissary.
20
00:01:54,897 --> 00:01:56,817
For ten bucks a box.
21
00:01:56,897 --> 00:01:59,457
We make ten cents an hour.
22
00:02:01,057 --> 00:02:04,217
Wait. What're we supposed
to do? Use toilet paper?
23
00:02:04,817 --> 00:02:08,457
I got enough tampons for this
time, if I only use one a day.
24
00:02:08,537 --> 00:02:10,617
[chuckles] Yeah, let me
know how that works out.
25
00:02:10,697 --> 00:02:12,857
One time, I ran outta tampons,
26
00:02:12,937 --> 00:02:16,857
so I used one of those, um, dinosaur
just-add-water sponges for kids.
27
00:02:16,937 --> 00:02:18,017
It was really fun.
28
00:02:18,097 --> 00:02:19,217
- [chuckles]
- 'Cause it was like,
29
00:02:19,297 --> 00:02:21,417
"Ooh, I wonder what this will be?
30
00:02:21,497 --> 00:02:24,457
- Oh! Brontosaurus Rex!"
-[laughs] Surprise.
31
00:02:24,537 --> 00:02:27,537
- Covered in baby blood!
- There ain't no Brontosaurus Rex.
32
00:02:27,617 --> 00:02:31,097
- What?
- It's Brontosaurus. Period.
33
00:02:31,177 --> 00:02:33,377
Though now they're
saying it's Apatosaurus.
34
00:02:33,897 --> 00:02:35,737
My five-year-old's crazy for that shit.
35
00:02:35,817 --> 00:02:37,617
[inmate] Hello. We are all in line here.
36
00:02:37,697 --> 00:02:39,217
- So, you need to get to the back...
- What're you...
37
00:02:39,297 --> 00:02:41,017
[Dixon] Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
38
00:02:41,097 --> 00:02:42,177
- [clamoring]
- [Dixon] Hey!
39
00:02:46,497 --> 00:02:48,337
[Dixon] Respect the fucking line.
40
00:02:49,337 --> 00:02:51,457
Just like fake Disneyland.
41
00:02:52,897 --> 00:02:54,817
[Linda] And then, you'll meet Jenny Stark.
42
00:02:54,897 --> 00:02:57,777
She's basically me, but at
Corrections Corporation and Management.
43
00:02:57,857 --> 00:03:00,177
[chuckles] One year, we switched nametags,
44
00:03:00,256 --> 00:03:01,696
and for the entire panel discussion
45
00:03:01,777 --> 00:03:05,257
I was Jenny from CCM and
she was Linda from MCC.
46
00:03:05,337 --> 00:03:06,457
It was bananas.
47
00:03:06,537 --> 00:03:08,416
- [chuckles]
- You go every year?
48
00:03:08,497 --> 00:03:10,336
It's worth it for the swag alone.
49
00:03:10,417 --> 00:03:12,256
One year, we got these
little toy jail cells
50
00:03:12,337 --> 00:03:14,176
for you to put your candy
in when you're on a diet.
51
00:03:14,257 --> 00:03:15,457
- And then... Yeah.
- [both chuckle]
52
00:03:15,537 --> 00:03:17,697
Another year we got these
Nerf-style guard batons.
53
00:03:17,776 --> 00:03:20,457
And so, anytime anyone said
something stupid at a staff meeting,
54
00:03:20,536 --> 00:03:21,976
we would just whale on them.
55
00:03:22,537 --> 00:03:24,496
Until the incident with Greg's eye, but...
56
00:03:24,577 --> 00:03:26,617
- [both chuckle]
- [phone ringing]
57
00:03:26,697 --> 00:03:28,257
Ah...
58
00:03:28,336 --> 00:03:31,216
- Shit! It's my assistant.
- Oh.
59
00:03:32,656 --> 00:03:34,017
What, Jefferson?
60
00:03:34,096 --> 00:03:36,337
Top of the morning to you, Mr. C...
61
00:03:36,417 --> 00:03:37,977
again.
62
00:03:38,056 --> 00:03:42,097
I forgot to ask if you wanted the files
done by last name or prisoner number.
63
00:03:42,177 --> 00:03:44,056
Last name. Listen, Jefferson,
64
00:03:44,137 --> 00:03:46,617
I'm gonna be in this
conference pretty much 24/7.
65
00:03:46,696 --> 00:03:47,937
It's very immersive.
66
00:03:48,016 --> 00:03:51,256
[stammers] I'm not gonna be able
to answer every little thing.
67
00:03:51,337 --> 00:03:54,297
Got it. I will hold down
the fort while you're gone.
68
00:03:54,376 --> 00:03:56,937
No. Do not hold anything down.
69
00:03:57,016 --> 00:03:59,617
I am not giving you power
over anything or anyone.
70
00:03:59,697 --> 00:04:02,017
- All you are doing is files.
- [sighs]
71
00:04:02,097 --> 00:04:03,856
You'll do those until I get back.
72
00:04:03,937 --> 00:04:06,537
And if by some miracle you
finish before I get back,
73
00:04:06,616 --> 00:04:08,257
sit... quietly.
74
00:04:08,337 --> 00:04:10,377
Copy that.
75
00:04:10,456 --> 00:04:12,057
That's a thing people say, right?
76
00:04:12,136 --> 00:04:13,137
No.
77
00:04:14,017 --> 00:04:15,657
- [dial tone]
- [scoffs]
78
00:04:15,736 --> 00:04:17,097
Assistants...
79
00:04:17,176 --> 00:04:19,936
they waste more time than they save.
80
00:04:20,017 --> 00:04:21,856
You'll get the hang of delegation.
81
00:04:21,937 --> 00:04:24,897
Just make sure that you fire
them every three months or so.
82
00:04:25,576 --> 00:04:26,697
Even if they're good?
83
00:04:26,776 --> 00:04:29,656
Especially if they're
good. I've been through 29.
84
00:04:29,737 --> 00:04:31,737
You don't want them getting too essential.
85
00:04:31,816 --> 00:04:33,937
I'm not sure that's the worry here.
86
00:04:34,017 --> 00:04:35,097
[chuckles]
87
00:04:54,657 --> 00:04:56,017
[snickers]
88
00:05:01,096 --> 00:05:02,457
[exhales sharply]
89
00:05:06,376 --> 00:05:08,176
[inmates speaking indistinctly]
90
00:05:09,217 --> 00:05:12,016
- How long has this been up?
- Only a few hours, sir.
91
00:05:12,897 --> 00:05:14,497
A few hours?
92
00:05:14,577 --> 00:05:16,017
Yeah, no. We're... [smacks lips]
93
00:05:16,096 --> 00:05:18,537
looking for the right shade
of beige to cover it up.
94
00:05:18,616 --> 00:05:20,176
You know, gotta match
the rest of the wall.
95
00:05:20,257 --> 00:05:21,297
We're not house flipping.
96
00:05:21,376 --> 00:05:23,017
The inmates see graffiti,
97
00:05:23,097 --> 00:05:26,296
they think it's okay to vandalize,
litter, destroy property.
98
00:05:26,377 --> 00:05:28,617
Oh, yeah, the broken windows theory?
99
00:05:28,696 --> 00:05:30,736
Rudy Giuliani? I mean,
wasn't that disproven?
100
00:05:30,817 --> 00:05:33,136
That man is a hero,
101
00:05:33,217 --> 00:05:35,617
and history will acknowledge that.
102
00:05:35,697 --> 00:05:36,976
Okay.
103
00:05:37,057 --> 00:05:39,976
We're upping you to a pair a day,
because we know that you can handle it.
104
00:05:40,057 --> 00:05:41,416
You lost more girls, huh?
105
00:05:41,497 --> 00:05:42,856
Ah, trimming some of the fat is all.
106
00:05:42,937 --> 00:05:44,656
We can always find new panty cattle.
107
00:05:44,737 --> 00:05:46,936
Your real problem is the
Spanish. They got momentum.
108
00:05:47,017 --> 00:05:48,817
- You got to deal...
- Shh!
109
00:05:51,697 --> 00:05:53,697
[Piscatella] ... now! This
is exactly the sort of thing
110
00:05:53,776 --> 00:05:57,016
that escalates to drugs,
and violence, and gangs.
111
00:05:58,177 --> 00:05:59,896
[inmate] Hey! Hey!
112
00:06:01,377 --> 00:06:02,656
Case in point.
113
00:06:02,737 --> 00:06:04,216
[Piscatella] Hey, hey!
114
00:06:04,297 --> 00:06:05,697
- [women grunting]
- Knock it off!
115
00:06:05,776 --> 00:06:07,537
[inmate] Oh! Bitch!
116
00:06:09,217 --> 00:06:11,577
Fuck these night shifts in the ass.
117
00:06:11,656 --> 00:06:13,857
- Aw, past your bedtime?
- Didn't say that.
118
00:06:13,936 --> 00:06:16,257
After-party at my place again, people.
119
00:06:16,336 --> 00:06:17,656
- Chez Humps!
- I'm there.
120
00:06:17,737 --> 00:06:20,577
- Me, three.
- Jesus, guys, it's 9:00 a.m.
121
00:06:21,057 --> 00:06:22,897
Yo, hook up Donuts here
with a Fallujah Omelet.
122
00:06:22,977 --> 00:06:24,097
Maybe that'll untwist his dick.
123
00:06:24,177 --> 00:06:26,457
- [chuckles]
- What's a Fallujah Omelet?
124
00:06:26,536 --> 00:06:28,696
- [chuckles]
- It's a Jäger shot and a raw egg.
125
00:06:28,777 --> 00:06:29,977
It's the breakfast of champions.
126
00:06:30,057 --> 00:06:31,576
[sighs] Yeah, I'm gonna pass.
127
00:06:31,657 --> 00:06:32,857
Come on, man. It's pure protein.
128
00:06:32,937 --> 00:06:35,137
Yeah, I gotta stay and watch her. So...
129
00:06:35,217 --> 00:06:36,177
[Dixon] Oh, I see.
130
00:06:36,256 --> 00:06:38,217
You're gonna dip your donut in Ramos here.
131
00:06:40,936 --> 00:06:43,377
Some people like their
breakfast sweet, not savory.
132
00:06:44,977 --> 00:06:47,296
You know what gets me so hot?
133
00:06:47,377 --> 00:06:49,297
Is when guys compare me to breakfast,
134
00:06:49,377 --> 00:06:51,577
and when they talk about
me like I'm not even here.
135
00:06:53,617 --> 00:06:56,536
How about you call me "that
oatmeal in the front seat"
136
00:06:56,617 --> 00:06:58,336
and I'll be so yours?
137
00:07:00,057 --> 00:07:01,936
Dude, she totally stepped on your balls.
138
00:07:02,017 --> 00:07:03,777
- [chuckling]
- Shut up, Blake.
139
00:07:03,856 --> 00:07:04,897
Shut the fuck up.
140
00:07:04,977 --> 00:07:06,297
[all chuckling]
141
00:07:09,097 --> 00:07:10,816
[dance music playing]
142
00:07:20,416 --> 00:07:22,257
[gasps] Pretty!
143
00:07:22,336 --> 00:07:24,297
- Happy Friday, ladies.
- [blows]
144
00:07:24,777 --> 00:07:26,577
I'll be back to check on you soon, okay?
145
00:07:52,777 --> 00:07:54,777
Be careful. Karma's a bitch.
146
00:07:54,856 --> 00:07:56,937
Who's Karma? That new girl?
147
00:08:11,416 --> 00:08:13,096
One more round for the thirsty gentle...
148
00:08:13,177 --> 00:08:15,057
- [bottle shattering]
- You okay?
149
00:08:15,136 --> 00:08:16,617
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
150
00:08:16,696 --> 00:08:18,376
My boss is gonna kill me!
151
00:08:18,457 --> 00:08:20,416
[Bandar] Hey, it's just
potato juice, right?
152
00:08:20,497 --> 00:08:21,776
[Maritza] No, you don't understand.
153
00:08:22,417 --> 00:08:23,536
He'll take it out of my paycheck.
154
00:08:23,617 --> 00:08:26,416
And I have a little baby
to support, and my mom...
155
00:08:26,497 --> 00:08:28,976
[sobbing] she can't work
on account of oldness.
156
00:08:29,056 --> 00:08:30,896
- I'm sorry...
- Come on, don't cry.
157
00:08:30,976 --> 00:08:31,936
Okay.
158
00:08:32,017 --> 00:08:33,697
Dudes, don't waste it.
159
00:08:33,776 --> 00:08:35,456
Get off the floor, man.
160
00:08:35,536 --> 00:08:37,216
Like, ten kinds of AIDS down there.
161
00:08:37,856 --> 00:08:40,777
Don't cry. We'll pitch
in for it, right, guys?
162
00:08:44,896 --> 00:08:47,416
- Yeah, yeah. Sure, whatever.
- Sure.
163
00:08:49,057 --> 00:08:50,536
Here.
164
00:08:51,296 --> 00:08:52,616
[sniffling]
165
00:09:01,216 --> 00:09:03,176
What, you pull that shit every night?
166
00:09:04,096 --> 00:09:07,297
It's 300 bucks. That's not
bad for a janky-ass short con.
167
00:09:08,296 --> 00:09:09,536
I don't know what you're talking about.
168
00:09:09,616 --> 00:09:10,736
You know, your boss is a friend of mine.
169
00:09:10,816 --> 00:09:12,457
You want me to go stick his
nose in that puddle back there?
170
00:09:12,536 --> 00:09:13,616
No, please, don't tell him.
171
00:09:13,696 --> 00:09:15,136
You're not bad for an amateur.
172
00:09:15,217 --> 00:09:17,137
I mean, of course, the face helps.
173
00:09:17,896 --> 00:09:19,336
Please, I have a little baby.
174
00:09:19,417 --> 00:09:20,696
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- And if I let you see...
175
00:09:20,776 --> 00:09:22,777
We gotta get you off the pity angle.
176
00:09:22,856 --> 00:09:25,096
Go straight for the dick.
177
00:09:25,177 --> 00:09:26,336
It's the better play.
178
00:09:28,057 --> 00:09:31,856
So, come on, what do
you pull in a good year?
179
00:09:31,936 --> 00:09:33,016
Fifty thousand.
180
00:09:33,097 --> 00:09:35,056
What if I said you could
make that in an hour?
181
00:09:35,137 --> 00:09:37,897
Um, I'm not a prostitute.
182
00:09:37,976 --> 00:09:40,936
Not even if the guy is
kinda hot in a mean-dad way.
183
00:09:45,097 --> 00:09:46,576
What did you say your name was?
184
00:09:47,896 --> 00:09:51,296
Yessica. It's like "Jessica," but ethnic.
185
00:09:51,376 --> 00:09:52,456
[chuckles]
186
00:09:52,537 --> 00:09:54,376
[man speaking indistinctly on PA]
187
00:09:56,257 --> 00:09:58,537
Normally, I'm not an ear girl,
188
00:09:58,616 --> 00:10:01,376
but when Vinnie told me
189
00:10:01,456 --> 00:10:03,937
that he was putting a
tongue saber in there,
190
00:10:04,016 --> 00:10:06,536
and he said he was swishing it around,
191
00:10:06,616 --> 00:10:08,857
my chair was like a wading pool.
192
00:10:08,936 --> 00:10:10,376
[both chuckle]
193
00:10:10,456 --> 00:10:11,977
I mean, don't get me wrong.
194
00:10:12,056 --> 00:10:14,656
The first time you have
word-sex, it's nice.
195
00:10:14,737 --> 00:10:17,896
- Mmm-hmm.
- But, it's just so much better
196
00:10:17,977 --> 00:10:20,497
when you really know somebody.
197
00:10:20,576 --> 00:10:22,336
So, you feel like you really know him.
198
00:10:22,417 --> 00:10:24,056
Sure, I do.
199
00:10:25,976 --> 00:10:28,537
My mom always said she
knew my dad wanted sex
200
00:10:28,616 --> 00:10:31,336
when he didn't ask for
seconds at dinner. [Snorts]
201
00:10:31,417 --> 00:10:34,777
And my dad said he knew my mom wanted sex
202
00:10:34,856 --> 00:10:37,177
when she got me and my
sister Blockbuster videos.
203
00:10:37,256 --> 00:10:38,456
[snorts]
204
00:10:40,177 --> 00:10:42,536
I always wanted to know someone that well.
205
00:10:44,336 --> 00:10:45,937
Yeah...
206
00:10:46,016 --> 00:10:47,377
me, too.
207
00:10:51,536 --> 00:10:54,776
So, your parents would
talk to you about sex?
208
00:10:54,856 --> 00:10:55,976
Mine would never.
209
00:10:56,056 --> 00:10:57,656
[chuckles] Oh, yeah.
210
00:10:57,736 --> 00:11:00,616
The birds, and the trees, and the bees...
211
00:11:00,697 --> 00:11:02,377
and the knees.
212
00:11:03,136 --> 00:11:05,896
[chuckles] I'm not sure
they told you that right.
213
00:11:08,137 --> 00:11:10,616
- [shrieks] Christ on a cracker!
- What is it?
214
00:11:11,977 --> 00:11:15,136
[sighs] The Shower Pooper strikes again.
215
00:11:15,217 --> 00:11:17,176
Ugh, this has happened before?
216
00:11:17,257 --> 00:11:18,776
Two or three times.
217
00:11:18,856 --> 00:11:21,016
How do you know it's the same person?
218
00:11:21,097 --> 00:11:24,416
- Heft, density, hue.
- [groans]
219
00:11:24,496 --> 00:11:26,656
It's as personal as a
signature, if you think about it.
220
00:11:26,737 --> 00:11:28,736
You know, that reminds me,
221
00:11:28,816 --> 00:11:31,936
there was this guy in my high school
who knew how to sign his name in...
222
00:11:32,017 --> 00:11:34,096
No, no, no, no, no, please, Suzanne.
223
00:11:34,177 --> 00:11:36,056
It is too early for that.
224
00:11:36,136 --> 00:11:38,336
We need to catch this person
before she strikes again.
225
00:11:38,416 --> 00:11:40,897
I do not even know where to start.
226
00:11:40,976 --> 00:11:47,416
Oh, one starts by following
every angle, examining every clue.
227
00:11:47,497 --> 00:11:51,697
By seeing patterns of behavior
where no one else can see.
228
00:11:51,776 --> 00:11:53,656
Until finally...
229
00:11:53,737 --> 00:11:55,616
you catch the pooper
230
00:11:55,696 --> 00:12:00,416
in a trap of her own making.
231
00:12:00,496 --> 00:12:01,897
You mean...
232
00:12:03,056 --> 00:12:04,576
like detectives?
233
00:12:08,377 --> 00:12:10,456
[man on PA] Now, the keynote
address by Kip Carnigan
234
00:12:10,537 --> 00:12:12,616
will begin at 3:00 p.m.
in the Laurel room.
235
00:12:12,697 --> 00:12:15,656
- No pre-registration...
- All right, you two are all set.
236
00:12:15,736 --> 00:12:16,816
- [Linda] Thank you.
- Mmm.
237
00:12:16,897 --> 00:12:19,136
- [Caputo] Hey, thanks.
- Have fun in there.
238
00:12:20,137 --> 00:12:21,217
[Caputo chuckles]
239
00:12:23,977 --> 00:12:25,256
Whoa.
240
00:12:25,336 --> 00:12:26,896
What are these supposed to be for?
241
00:12:26,977 --> 00:12:28,456
Promotional purposes.
242
00:12:28,537 --> 00:12:30,056
[both chuckle]
243
00:12:42,376 --> 00:12:46,576
Our prize-winning system
can detect and pinpoint
244
00:12:46,657 --> 00:12:49,537
any cell phone within a two-mile radius.
245
00:12:58,537 --> 00:12:59,816
[Russ] Linda.
246
00:13:00,817 --> 00:13:02,816
Saw you're on a panel, you rock star.
247
00:13:02,896 --> 00:13:05,696
Oh, Russ. It's just a panel,
not a breakout session.
248
00:13:05,776 --> 00:13:07,777
Still. It's huge.
249
00:13:07,856 --> 00:13:09,457
So what's the hot booth this year?
250
00:13:09,536 --> 00:13:11,257
Laser guns.
251
00:13:11,336 --> 00:13:13,096
But the wait is epic.
252
00:13:13,177 --> 00:13:15,136
Catch you two on the other
side. [Mimics gunshots]
253
00:13:15,217 --> 00:13:17,896
[woman] We at R and R Ministries
could not be more proud
254
00:13:17,977 --> 00:13:20,696
of our faith-based
rehabilitation program,
255
00:13:20,776 --> 00:13:22,936
utilizing New Testament stories
256
00:13:23,017 --> 00:13:26,936
to help inmates establish
a firm moral foundation.
257
00:13:27,016 --> 00:13:29,617
Oh, right. Because we should
treat them like Sunday schoolers,
258
00:13:29,696 --> 00:13:31,216
not dangerous criminals.
259
00:13:31,297 --> 00:13:34,136
Our fences are made from a
state-of-the-art titanium alloy,
260
00:13:34,216 --> 00:13:39,496
which is fireproof, plier-proof,
tamperproof, foolproof.
261
00:13:39,576 --> 00:13:41,696
- We could really use some of this stuff.
- Ooh.
262
00:13:41,776 --> 00:13:43,456
Not on MCC's budget.
263
00:13:45,416 --> 00:13:48,416
Think of this less as a shopping
trip and more of a brainstorming sesh.
264
00:13:48,496 --> 00:13:50,776
[beeping]
265
00:13:50,856 --> 00:13:52,176
I have enough of that in my life.
266
00:13:52,256 --> 00:13:54,896
[chuckles] It's just for fun,
silly. I think it's ice cream.
267
00:13:54,976 --> 00:13:58,096
It's time to enter the
21st century, people.
268
00:13:58,176 --> 00:14:01,936
The old-fashioned maxi
pad can be a budget-killer.
269
00:14:02,016 --> 00:14:06,416
These durable, reusable plastic
menstruation capture cups
270
00:14:06,496 --> 00:14:10,096
are a one-time expenditure
for your women's facility.
271
00:14:11,056 --> 00:14:12,136
[Caputo] And this is safe?
272
00:14:12,216 --> 00:14:13,336
Missed me. [Chuckles]
273
00:14:13,416 --> 00:14:15,456
Oh, it is 100% non-deadly.
274
00:14:15,536 --> 00:14:17,656
Right now, the laser's on setting two,
275
00:14:17,736 --> 00:14:20,456
your basic sunburn-level discomfort.
276
00:14:20,536 --> 00:14:25,496
Dial that bad boy up to ten...
we're talking third-degree burns.
277
00:14:25,576 --> 00:14:28,096
Andale, Andale! Speedy... Ow!
278
00:14:28,176 --> 00:14:29,296
[crowd laughs]
279
00:14:29,376 --> 00:14:31,056
Just a little sting.
280
00:14:31,136 --> 00:14:32,736
Nothing I can't... [yells]
281
00:14:32,816 --> 00:14:35,216
[crowd applauds]
282
00:14:36,576 --> 00:14:38,176
Nice shooting, Tex.
283
00:14:38,816 --> 00:14:39,976
[blows]
284
00:14:41,816 --> 00:14:43,296
[Kip Carnigan] Well, well.
285
00:14:43,376 --> 00:14:45,256
Wouldn't wanna run into
you in the prison yard.
286
00:14:45,336 --> 00:14:47,416
Kip Carnigan.
287
00:14:47,496 --> 00:14:49,656
They couldn't find anybody else
to give the keynote this year?
288
00:14:49,736 --> 00:14:50,776
Gandhi, maybe?
289
00:14:50,856 --> 00:14:53,416
Oh, I heard they approached him,
but his corpse was booked solid.
290
00:14:53,496 --> 00:14:54,456
- [chuckles]
- Who's your friend?
291
00:14:54,536 --> 00:14:56,776
This is Joe Caputo from Litchfield.
292
00:14:56,856 --> 00:14:58,616
He is the dark horse to be the next you.
293
00:15:00,336 --> 00:15:02,896
- Good luck with that.
- Thank you, future me.
294
00:15:04,616 --> 00:15:06,336
You're a lucky man.
295
00:15:06,416 --> 00:15:07,816
Oh, we're not...
296
00:15:07,896 --> 00:15:10,256
[sighs] Oh, my God, was that okay?
297
00:15:10,336 --> 00:15:12,296
Did I sound normal? Was that like...
298
00:15:12,376 --> 00:15:14,576
Sure. What's the big deal?
299
00:15:14,656 --> 00:15:16,896
That's Kip Carnigan, he used
to be the warden over at Sitwell
300
00:15:16,976 --> 00:15:18,216
and now he is, like...
301
00:15:18,296 --> 00:15:20,376
the face of corrections in America.
302
00:15:21,376 --> 00:15:22,616
Oh, wow.
303
00:15:24,936 --> 00:15:27,056
[softly] Okay... warden.
304
00:15:34,896 --> 00:15:35,936
[sighs]
305
00:15:36,936 --> 00:15:38,616
[Piscatella] Jefferson.
306
00:15:38,696 --> 00:15:41,496
Who does the purchase orders
for maxi pads and so forth?
307
00:15:42,216 --> 00:15:44,056
Hmm. Uh...
308
00:15:44,136 --> 00:15:47,576
you might want to talk to
the VP of Purchasing for that.
309
00:15:47,656 --> 00:15:50,136
Linda... something.
310
00:15:50,216 --> 00:15:51,736
Are you supposed to be on that?
311
00:15:51,816 --> 00:15:55,176
Mr. Caputo wants me to make
sure all his files are in order.
312
00:16:02,976 --> 00:16:04,456
[sighs]
313
00:16:20,496 --> 00:16:23,096
[softly] Ooh! That's
what I'm talking about!
314
00:16:23,176 --> 00:16:24,416
[exhales deeply]
315
00:16:26,216 --> 00:16:28,096
[whispers] I'm the boss of this bitch!
316
00:16:29,296 --> 00:16:30,896
[inmates speaking indistinctly]
317
00:16:36,216 --> 00:16:37,616
Psst.
318
00:16:37,696 --> 00:16:38,896
[in Spanish] I swear,
319
00:16:38,976 --> 00:16:42,216
you get busted with that thing
and none of us ever met you.
320
00:16:42,296 --> 00:16:43,376
[in English] It's self-defense.
321
00:16:43,456 --> 00:16:45,256
That poi snorter stole our inventory.
322
00:16:45,336 --> 00:16:47,056
[in Spanish] Inventory's not the problem.
323
00:16:48,256 --> 00:16:51,016
We got two weeks of
ripe fruit ready to sell.
324
00:16:51,096 --> 00:16:55,136
And my stupid cousin Alonso
is gonna do the selling.
325
00:16:55,216 --> 00:16:57,816
[in English] Our problem
is getting everything out.
326
00:16:57,896 --> 00:16:59,856
I don't know how fucking Chapman does it.
327
00:17:00,856 --> 00:17:02,736
Probably, she uses her sexuality?
328
00:17:03,896 --> 00:17:06,256
Why can't we use our sexuality?
329
00:17:06,336 --> 00:17:07,296
'Cause we better than that.
330
00:17:07,376 --> 00:17:09,456
Can't we just throw 'em over
the fence? It ain't that high.
331
00:17:09,536 --> 00:17:11,856
They got guards up
there with guns and shit.
332
00:17:12,536 --> 00:17:15,096
Plus, people saying they
watching us with drones now.
333
00:17:15,176 --> 00:17:18,016
[in Spanish] What if we build
our own drone that works for us?
334
00:17:18,096 --> 00:17:20,416
[in English] Um... anybody else?
335
00:17:21,256 --> 00:17:24,136
Or we could dig a tunnel, like
we're El Chapo or in the movies.
336
00:17:24,216 --> 00:17:25,656
Guys, I got an idea.
337
00:17:25,736 --> 00:17:28,296
Or we could knock out a guard and
take his uniform, like in the movies.
338
00:17:28,376 --> 00:17:31,776
Okay, anybody got any
non-movie, non-El Chapo ideas?
339
00:17:31,856 --> 00:17:35,376
Maritza's got an idea, or
she's drying out her armpits.
340
00:17:35,456 --> 00:17:38,136
Seriously, guys? I have a van.
341
00:17:44,536 --> 00:17:47,536
[Tavi] See, the hot girls stand
out front to draw people in.
342
00:17:47,616 --> 00:17:49,136
She's not that hot.
343
00:17:49,216 --> 00:17:50,776
[Chazz] You should put your
hair up like hers, Jessica.
344
00:17:50,856 --> 00:17:52,056
You have to blend in.
345
00:17:52,136 --> 00:17:55,456
Did you know a ponytail
is like a natural facelift?
346
00:17:56,656 --> 00:17:58,496
So, what's the first thing you do?
347
00:17:59,216 --> 00:18:00,816
- I find my mark.
- Good.
348
00:18:01,296 --> 00:18:02,656
Will his name be Mark?
349
00:18:04,096 --> 00:18:05,056
[sighs]
350
00:18:05,136 --> 00:18:06,176
Kidding!
351
00:18:09,216 --> 00:18:11,016
Pick a rich guy, obviously.
352
00:18:11,696 --> 00:18:13,056
Old and rich, if possible.
353
00:18:13,136 --> 00:18:15,256
You're looking for a guy who's too
ugly to have you as a girlfriend,
354
00:18:15,336 --> 00:18:16,336
if he didn't have any money.
355
00:18:16,416 --> 00:18:18,256
Aw, that's so sweet.
356
00:18:19,016 --> 00:18:20,776
Wait. Catch this.
357
00:18:21,656 --> 00:18:24,776
[Tavi] "Hmm. Hey, baby.
Do you come with the car?"
358
00:18:24,856 --> 00:18:27,416
"Tee-hee. I've totally never
heard that joke before."
359
00:18:27,496 --> 00:18:28,496
[chuckling]
360
00:18:28,576 --> 00:18:31,696
Whoa, she's giving him the head toss.
361
00:18:31,776 --> 00:18:33,936
That's like two clicks away from a blowie.
362
00:18:34,016 --> 00:18:35,096
[inaudible]
363
00:18:36,296 --> 00:18:38,656
"Ooh, your wallet looks so heavy."
364
00:18:38,736 --> 00:18:40,776
[Tavi] All right. So, now you have
your mark, what do you do next?
365
00:18:40,856 --> 00:18:43,336
[Maritza] Take his ID to
the desk and get the keys.
366
00:18:43,416 --> 00:18:45,856
[Tavi] Only now, instead of
Judy Salesgirl, you're Mrs. Mark,
367
00:18:45,936 --> 00:18:48,376
and you want to take a test
drive with your husband.
368
00:18:48,456 --> 00:18:51,816
You leave his ID, you take the keys
and you walk the mark to the car.
369
00:18:52,416 --> 00:18:55,376
If I forget to tell you guys later,
I'm having a really good time.
370
00:18:55,456 --> 00:18:57,496
[Tavi] All right. Now, you take
your mark on his test drive,
371
00:18:57,576 --> 00:18:59,696
drop him off in front
of the dealership after,
372
00:18:59,776 --> 00:19:02,416
and bam, you drive off into
the sunset. Any questions?
373
00:19:02,496 --> 00:19:06,136
What if the mark's
name happens to be Mark?
374
00:19:08,656 --> 00:19:10,576
Oh, my God! Kidding!
375
00:19:12,416 --> 00:19:13,936
[inmates talking indistinctly]
376
00:19:15,536 --> 00:19:16,536
[inhales deeply]
377
00:19:16,616 --> 00:19:18,896
Man, this shit better be on
fleek for ten bucks a box.
378
00:19:18,976 --> 00:19:21,376
[man speaking indistinctly on PA]
379
00:19:21,456 --> 00:19:23,096
Hey, you mind loaning me one of those?
380
00:19:24,656 --> 00:19:26,856
You gonna give it back after? [Laughs]
381
00:19:26,936 --> 00:19:29,616
Some of us can't afford
to feel the mountain mist.
382
00:19:29,696 --> 00:19:34,536
Well, you know, some of us is
chosen and some of us ain't.
383
00:19:34,616 --> 00:19:38,775
Like, first, we was chosen by
little white dude with the sneakers
384
00:19:38,856 --> 00:19:40,455
to sew panties for Whispers.
385
00:19:40,536 --> 00:19:43,536
Then, we was chosen by HaShem hisself
386
00:19:43,616 --> 00:19:46,896
to eat tasty broccoli
and keep his covenant.
387
00:19:47,936 --> 00:19:49,496
Hmm? Hmm, hmm?
388
00:19:49,575 --> 00:19:53,256
I know there's something in
that covenant about generosity.
389
00:19:55,215 --> 00:19:57,696
Oh, wait, wait, um, it's coming to me now.
390
00:19:57,776 --> 00:20:00,656
"If there are poor among you,
391
00:20:00,735 --> 00:20:05,256
do not be selfish or greedy towards them."
392
00:20:05,336 --> 00:20:07,335
Uh, I think that's a Christian thing.
393
00:20:08,655 --> 00:20:10,016
It's the same damn book.
394
00:20:11,295 --> 00:20:13,536
We just got different prophets is all.
395
00:20:14,016 --> 00:20:17,216
Or I guess you're still
waiting for yours to show up.
396
00:20:18,135 --> 00:20:20,856
Well, you ain't acting like
somebody who wants something from me.
397
00:20:20,936 --> 00:20:22,976
- Purchasing.
- [automated voice] What department?
398
00:20:23,055 --> 00:20:24,735
Purchasing!
399
00:20:24,816 --> 00:20:27,375
- [automated voice] What department?
- [sighs] Human being.
400
00:20:27,456 --> 00:20:29,376
Let me speak to a human.
401
00:20:29,456 --> 00:20:31,136
I'm a human.
402
00:20:31,215 --> 00:20:32,336
[automated voice] If you'd
like to connect to...
403
00:20:32,415 --> 00:20:33,615
Come in.
404
00:20:35,616 --> 00:20:36,576
You got voicemail trouble?
405
00:20:36,656 --> 00:20:39,576
Uh, typical corporate Charlie Foxtrot.
406
00:20:39,656 --> 00:20:41,415
This is why I don't wear a suit.
407
00:20:41,496 --> 00:20:43,616
This... and my quads are too big.
408
00:20:44,655 --> 00:20:46,656
[stutters] Uh, don't...
wait. Hey. Don't close that.
409
00:20:46,736 --> 00:20:47,976
Sorry.
410
00:20:50,576 --> 00:20:53,096
I'm Piper Chapman. I
don't mean to alarm you.
411
00:20:53,175 --> 00:20:55,496
I never come to the
administration like this.
412
00:20:55,575 --> 00:20:58,575
But I've been in Litchfield
for a while now...
413
00:21:00,375 --> 00:21:02,775
and I have started to feel unsafe lately.
414
00:21:02,856 --> 00:21:04,296
Scared even.
415
00:21:04,376 --> 00:21:06,576
The prison is changing somehow.
416
00:21:08,295 --> 00:21:10,776
- Graffiti on the walls...
- I'm aware.
417
00:21:11,856 --> 00:21:14,576
And I just wanted to make
sure you knew about...
418
00:21:16,736 --> 00:21:19,776
let's say, a cluster of
girls that I've noticed.
419
00:21:19,856 --> 00:21:21,416
Do they gather in groups of four or more?
420
00:21:21,495 --> 00:21:25,016
Oh, yeah. They gather. They are
pretty much always gathering.
421
00:21:25,095 --> 00:21:29,336
Have you seen them flashing hand
signals or wearing the same colors?
422
00:21:29,415 --> 00:21:32,616
I think I've seen a bunch of
them wearing red slipper socks.
423
00:21:32,696 --> 00:21:34,215
[sighs]
424
00:21:34,296 --> 00:21:36,296
And I'm not exactly sure
that this is relevant,
425
00:21:36,375 --> 00:21:38,216
but just so you have all the information,
426
00:21:38,295 --> 00:21:39,896
these girls...
427
00:21:41,496 --> 00:21:43,176
share a certain heritage,
428
00:21:43,256 --> 00:21:45,576
a certain noble heritage,
429
00:21:45,656 --> 00:21:48,336
dating all the way back to
ancient Mayan civilization.
430
00:21:48,416 --> 00:21:50,816
The Latinas. Got it.
431
00:21:50,895 --> 00:21:52,496
Well, I wasn't gonna say anything.
432
00:21:52,575 --> 00:21:53,936
Chapman...
433
00:21:55,056 --> 00:21:59,456
what you're describing is a
prison gang in its infancy.
434
00:21:59,535 --> 00:22:00,975
That sounds serious.
435
00:22:02,216 --> 00:22:03,416
[sighs] Well...
436
00:22:04,376 --> 00:22:06,896
not if we can prevent them from growing
437
00:22:06,975 --> 00:22:08,576
and getting organized.
438
00:22:08,655 --> 00:22:11,136
Thank you so much, Mr. Piscatella.
439
00:22:12,536 --> 00:22:13,976
I feel safer already.
440
00:22:15,096 --> 00:22:16,256
[exhales]
441
00:22:17,816 --> 00:22:20,175
You know what? I really love your beard.
442
00:22:20,256 --> 00:22:22,416
I've had a beard since tenth grade.
443
00:22:22,496 --> 00:22:24,656
Two beards, actually.
444
00:22:24,735 --> 00:22:27,855
The one on my face, and the
one I took to junior prom.
445
00:22:29,256 --> 00:22:30,896
Yeah.
446
00:22:30,975 --> 00:22:32,336
I like dudes.
447
00:22:34,056 --> 00:22:36,495
I will never find you adorable.
448
00:22:37,736 --> 00:22:39,495
Keep that in mind.
449
00:22:47,535 --> 00:22:49,256
When I first started out...
450
00:22:50,376 --> 00:22:52,896
I thought the best way to help an inmate
451
00:22:52,976 --> 00:22:55,856
was to get involved in
his day-to-day problems.
452
00:22:56,696 --> 00:23:00,656
The poor guy who was transferred
ten states away from his family.
453
00:23:00,735 --> 00:23:03,936
The fella who's on a
downward spiral in Seg.
454
00:23:04,016 --> 00:23:07,575
But what I learned is
that to actually help them,
455
00:23:07,656 --> 00:23:11,616
you have to make their lives feel full.
456
00:23:11,696 --> 00:23:13,496
One time I did the math.
457
00:23:13,575 --> 00:23:17,856
I figured that, all together,
the inmates on my watch
458
00:23:17,936 --> 00:23:23,216
had over 17,000 years of
time on their sentences.
459
00:23:23,295 --> 00:23:24,296
[audience gasping]
460
00:23:24,375 --> 00:23:26,295
Seventeen thousand years.
461
00:23:28,976 --> 00:23:31,656
That's longer than human recorded history.
462
00:23:33,255 --> 00:23:37,656
That is a hell of a lot of time
to get something accomplished,
463
00:23:37,736 --> 00:23:40,416
to redeem lives.
464
00:23:40,496 --> 00:23:42,456
[shudders] I just got the goosies.
465
00:23:42,536 --> 00:23:45,495
If only we can stop fixating on the days,
466
00:23:45,576 --> 00:23:48,336
and start thinking about the years.
467
00:23:48,416 --> 00:23:50,816
[chatter and applause]
468
00:23:55,616 --> 00:23:57,576
[typing]
469
00:24:03,416 --> 00:24:04,575
[groans]
470
00:24:14,895 --> 00:24:17,295
[chuckles]
471
00:24:17,376 --> 00:24:19,256
[rock music playing]
472
00:24:23,696 --> 00:24:25,695
Oh, hell, no.
473
00:24:29,016 --> 00:24:30,855
- [whimpers]
- [comical music playing]
474
00:24:30,936 --> 00:24:32,016
[giggles]
475
00:24:32,096 --> 00:24:34,376
Aw, so cute.
476
00:24:35,816 --> 00:24:37,616
[indistinct chatter]
477
00:24:38,856 --> 00:24:41,535
Maybe it's a real old person
and they can't help it.
478
00:24:41,616 --> 00:24:43,815
Nah, it's not an accident.
479
00:24:43,896 --> 00:24:46,616
Plus, you gotta be able to
squat to poop in a shower,
480
00:24:46,695 --> 00:24:49,616
and old people are bad at squatting.
481
00:24:49,695 --> 00:24:53,336
Maybe they're very busy,
and they're multitasking.
482
00:24:53,415 --> 00:24:56,376
My sister used to brush
her teeth in the shower.
483
00:25:00,096 --> 00:25:01,975
[inmates talking indistinctly]
484
00:25:02,055 --> 00:25:03,175
[inmate] Takin' all the hot water!
485
00:25:10,296 --> 00:25:11,335
Squatter.
486
00:25:11,415 --> 00:25:13,656
- A-ha!
- [gasps]
487
00:25:13,735 --> 00:25:14,815
Fuck off.
488
00:25:14,895 --> 00:25:16,815
- Sorry.
- Nice work.
489
00:25:18,975 --> 00:25:20,016
[Lorna] So, here's the thing.
490
00:25:20,095 --> 00:25:22,815
I don't think the pooper's
gonna poop at peak time.
491
00:25:22,896 --> 00:25:25,455
Oh, unless they're an
exhibitionist pooper.
492
00:25:25,536 --> 00:25:27,855
- A poopscabitionist.
- Hmm.
493
00:25:27,936 --> 00:25:29,095
Let me ask you this.
494
00:25:29,175 --> 00:25:32,376
How do they start in
those detective novels?
495
00:25:32,455 --> 00:25:36,175
They gather up the usual suspects,
people with criminal records.
496
00:25:36,255 --> 00:25:37,656
- Oh, criminal records, you say?
- [woman] Fuck off!
497
00:25:37,735 --> 00:25:40,656
Suzanne, hey. That's everyone.
498
00:25:40,735 --> 00:25:42,096
True.
499
00:25:42,175 --> 00:25:43,735
True, true, true.
500
00:25:43,815 --> 00:25:47,976
Well, they also try to get inside
of the mind of the criminal.
501
00:25:50,376 --> 00:25:52,735
Hello... Suzanne.
502
00:25:55,536 --> 00:25:56,895
Ugh...
503
00:25:58,695 --> 00:25:59,935
That's my ex.
504
00:26:00,015 --> 00:26:01,455
Oh, my goodness. She is pretty.
505
00:26:02,256 --> 00:26:04,656
She could use a little
more makeup, of course.
506
00:26:04,735 --> 00:26:07,575
They make it waterproof now, so
you never have to take it off.
507
00:26:07,656 --> 00:26:09,495
Yeah, I mean, it was good for a while,
508
00:26:09,576 --> 00:26:12,055
but then she started getting too clingy.
509
00:26:12,135 --> 00:26:15,936
You know, started leaving little
gifts on my pillow, like daisy chains.
510
00:26:16,015 --> 00:26:21,535
You don't think that she might be
leaving any other kinds of "gifts"?
511
00:26:21,615 --> 00:26:23,256
No.
512
00:26:25,575 --> 00:26:27,655
No.
513
00:26:30,336 --> 00:26:32,815
Suspect number one.
514
00:26:32,895 --> 00:26:34,855
The game is afoot.
515
00:26:34,935 --> 00:26:36,895
[man on PA] Attention, inmates.
The updated facility rules
516
00:26:36,975 --> 00:26:39,615
and inmate discipline list
is posted in the day room.
517
00:26:43,695 --> 00:26:44,856
All right, get out of here.
518
00:26:46,975 --> 00:26:49,255
All right, ladies. Up against the wall.
519
00:26:49,335 --> 00:26:50,376
This is straight-up profiling.
520
00:26:50,455 --> 00:26:52,695
Oh, no, no. These are
just random searches.
521
00:26:53,815 --> 00:26:54,975
- Get it out.
- And what about her?
522
00:26:55,056 --> 00:26:56,055
Hands against the wall.
523
00:26:56,136 --> 00:26:57,295
- I didn't do nothing.
- Shut up.
524
00:27:00,336 --> 00:27:01,656
Oh, bingo.
525
00:27:03,696 --> 00:27:05,295
How many shots is that, Humps?
526
00:27:06,295 --> 00:27:08,016
As many as you want.
527
00:27:13,255 --> 00:27:15,415
It's just one shot for you.
528
00:27:15,495 --> 00:27:17,136
Next time bring enough for everybody.
529
00:27:17,215 --> 00:27:19,695
Hey, Humphrey, how do you
know when an inmate's lying?
530
00:27:19,776 --> 00:27:21,615
- How?
- She opens her mouth.
531
00:27:22,575 --> 00:27:24,096
That's funny.
532
00:27:24,175 --> 00:27:25,215
Well, hey there, Hot Pants.
533
00:27:25,296 --> 00:27:27,015
- You talking to me?
- Well, that's your name, isn't it?
534
00:27:27,096 --> 00:27:29,136
- Actually, it's Mendoza.
- Oh, that wasn't a question.
535
00:27:29,215 --> 00:27:30,336
[groans]
536
00:27:30,415 --> 00:27:32,655
Better get a cavity search on that one.
537
00:27:32,736 --> 00:27:34,575
She's gotta be hiding
something in an ass that big.
538
00:27:34,656 --> 00:27:35,736
Oh, yeah?
539
00:27:37,335 --> 00:27:39,175
It helps to give 'em a
compliment, now and then.
540
00:27:39,255 --> 00:27:40,215
Boosts morale.
541
00:27:40,296 --> 00:27:42,295
Don't think I'm not taking
this to your superior.
542
00:27:42,375 --> 00:27:44,575
Oh, Officer Dixon
answers to Officer Dixon.
543
00:27:44,655 --> 00:27:46,375
Don't we answer to Piscatella?
544
00:27:46,455 --> 00:27:48,936
Jesus, McCullough. You
are such a boner killer.
545
00:27:49,935 --> 00:27:52,015
Make sure you go deep. [Laughs]
546
00:27:58,335 --> 00:28:02,136
"Media Relations: Turning
Scandals into Scandal-ade."
547
00:28:02,215 --> 00:28:03,895
That sounds useful. Put a star by it.
548
00:28:03,975 --> 00:28:05,055
Yeah.
549
00:28:05,136 --> 00:28:07,176
Uh... "Prison Health
Care Rights and Wrongs:
550
00:28:07,255 --> 00:28:09,855
Taking Max to the Max."
551
00:28:09,936 --> 00:28:11,136
Mmm... nah.
552
00:28:12,135 --> 00:28:15,336
"Immigration Violations:
The Next Gold Mine."
553
00:28:16,935 --> 00:28:18,135
What was the last gold mine?
554
00:28:19,575 --> 00:28:21,775
I don't know, the war on drugs, I guess?
555
00:28:21,855 --> 00:28:22,975
[chuckles]
556
00:28:28,056 --> 00:28:32,095
That thing he said, about
making their lives full.
557
00:28:32,175 --> 00:28:33,375
Feel full.
558
00:28:34,255 --> 00:28:35,695
You think we can do that at Litchfield?
559
00:28:36,415 --> 00:28:37,776
We can do whatever we want.
560
00:28:39,615 --> 00:28:41,215
Well, I want that.
561
00:28:42,255 --> 00:28:44,095
I wanna give that to them.
562
00:28:44,695 --> 00:28:46,455
As long as it fits in the budget.
563
00:28:46,536 --> 00:28:48,096
[Linda chuckles]
564
00:28:49,695 --> 00:28:51,096
[sighs heavily]
565
00:28:51,175 --> 00:28:52,735
I'm a little nervous.
566
00:28:53,895 --> 00:28:56,055
- About the panel?
- Mmm-hmm.
567
00:28:56,136 --> 00:28:57,255
You're gonna be great.
568
00:28:57,336 --> 00:28:59,455
I mean, I know purchasing
isn't a sexy topic
569
00:28:59,535 --> 00:29:01,416
like drugs or capital punishment, but...
570
00:29:01,495 --> 00:29:02,455
Don't say that.
571
00:29:02,535 --> 00:29:06,775
I just am gonna be up there
representing MCC and I...
572
00:29:06,855 --> 00:29:08,775
I really wanna knock it out of the park.
573
00:29:08,856 --> 00:29:10,335
Linda...
574
00:29:10,416 --> 00:29:13,255
you don't even know what you are.
575
00:29:14,175 --> 00:29:17,415
- You are the Mickey Mantle of MCC.
- [giggles]
576
00:29:17,496 --> 00:29:21,295
[chuckles] You are the Cy Young
of Correctional Purchasing.
577
00:29:21,375 --> 00:29:22,815
Are those sports people?
578
00:29:23,535 --> 00:29:24,895
Does the pope shit in the woods?
579
00:29:24,975 --> 00:29:26,376
[laughing]
580
00:29:26,455 --> 00:29:28,495
Oh, Joe. You're so funny.
581
00:29:31,975 --> 00:29:35,575
Oh, look, "Shanks for the Memories:
A History of Prison Weapons."
582
00:29:40,056 --> 00:29:41,575
[Reema sighs]
583
00:29:41,655 --> 00:29:42,975
Bye-bye, sleep mask.
584
00:29:43,855 --> 00:29:45,415
Time to meet my snizz.
585
00:29:45,495 --> 00:29:47,455
Think it'll stay in?
586
00:29:47,535 --> 00:29:50,215
Just don't lose it up there,
that could get serious.
587
00:29:53,376 --> 00:29:55,375
[Reema] Well, la-di-da.
588
00:29:56,376 --> 00:29:58,375
Little Miss One Percent herself.
589
00:29:58,455 --> 00:30:00,175
Hey, what are you
charging for one of those?
590
00:30:02,575 --> 00:30:04,135
Five dollars.
591
00:30:04,975 --> 00:30:07,056
Guadalupe was charging a buck yesterday!
592
00:30:07,135 --> 00:30:10,015
Inflation, like we back in the Bush era.
593
00:30:10,095 --> 00:30:12,415
Bitch, you never left the Bush era,
594
00:30:12,495 --> 00:30:14,895
judging by all that
creeping from your panties.
595
00:30:14,976 --> 00:30:16,615
I'll give you three bucks.
596
00:30:17,895 --> 00:30:18,855
You got it right now?
597
00:30:18,935 --> 00:30:20,655
No, but I can get it to
you by the end of the week.
598
00:30:20,735 --> 00:30:22,975
Don't do it. She'll charge you interest.
599
00:30:23,055 --> 00:30:24,335
That's what her people do.
600
00:30:25,895 --> 00:30:30,295
I know you did not just
call me a money lender.
601
00:30:30,375 --> 00:30:31,935
'Cause that right there
would be hate speech.
602
00:30:32,015 --> 00:30:34,695
[Alison] What if we
got something to trade?
603
00:30:34,775 --> 00:30:36,455
Something you might really want.
604
00:30:36,535 --> 00:30:38,575
No trades.
605
00:30:39,655 --> 00:30:46,135
The only language this Jew
here speak is cold hard cash.
606
00:30:46,975 --> 00:30:49,695
You see, it's okay when I say it.
607
00:31:19,895 --> 00:31:21,295
[indistinct chatter]
608
00:31:27,535 --> 00:31:28,655
Is anything the matter?
609
00:31:29,335 --> 00:31:30,895
Gold star for you, Chapman.
610
00:31:31,775 --> 00:31:33,015
Your intel was good.
611
00:31:33,095 --> 00:31:34,255
Really?
612
00:31:36,455 --> 00:31:38,535
- What did you find out?
- None of your concern.
613
00:31:39,975 --> 00:31:41,215
Let me just say,
614
00:31:41,295 --> 00:31:44,615
if you felt like assembling a
group of like-minded individuals,
615
00:31:44,695 --> 00:31:46,575
reliable inmates like yourself,
616
00:31:46,655 --> 00:31:49,175
with an interest in keeping
this prison gang-free...
617
00:31:49,975 --> 00:31:52,015
I assembled a task force once at Smith.
618
00:31:53,295 --> 00:31:55,135
There was somebody putting
bubble baths in all the fountains,
619
00:31:55,215 --> 00:31:56,455
and we totally caught her.
620
00:31:56,535 --> 00:31:57,575
Bubble bath.
621
00:31:58,495 --> 00:32:00,055
Is that related to bath salts?
622
00:32:00,135 --> 00:32:01,855
No, it's just bubbles.
623
00:32:01,935 --> 00:32:03,335
For baths?
624
00:32:03,975 --> 00:32:07,135
It was right before parents weekend,
so the administration was really upset.
625
00:32:08,815 --> 00:32:10,375
But gangs.
626
00:32:10,455 --> 00:32:11,895
Gangs, Mr. Piscatella...
627
00:32:12,935 --> 00:32:14,575
gangs are the issue here.
628
00:32:14,655 --> 00:32:17,375
And I will assemble a
task force to stop them.
629
00:32:19,055 --> 00:32:20,015
Sir.
630
00:32:20,095 --> 00:32:22,575
You really shouldn't do that
unless you're in the armed forces.
631
00:32:22,655 --> 00:32:23,935
How do you know I'm not?
632
00:32:25,895 --> 00:32:27,255
It won't happen again.
633
00:32:31,455 --> 00:32:33,935
Mr. Piscatella, you got a minute?
634
00:32:34,655 --> 00:32:36,535
- What is it, inmate?
- Gloria Mendoza.
635
00:32:36,615 --> 00:32:37,975
I just thought that you should know
636
00:32:38,055 --> 00:32:40,375
that some of your new guards
are stopping girls for no reason
637
00:32:40,455 --> 00:32:42,895
- and being extra invasive.
- Yeah?
638
00:32:42,975 --> 00:32:44,535
And everyone they're
stopping looks like...
639
00:32:44,615 --> 00:32:46,135
Like you?
640
00:32:46,615 --> 00:32:48,415
Look, I didn't go to
law school or nothing,
641
00:32:48,495 --> 00:32:51,575
but I know that they gotta be
stepping on a few civil liberties here.
642
00:32:51,655 --> 00:32:53,895
You committed a crime, inmate.
643
00:32:54,815 --> 00:32:58,055
So, if you wanna see who
"stepped on your civil liberties,"
644
00:32:58,135 --> 00:33:00,095
check under your own boot.
645
00:33:06,895 --> 00:33:09,335
Flaca and Maritza together again.
646
00:33:09,415 --> 00:33:12,775
It's like we're back in
the kitchen, but crime-ier.
647
00:33:12,855 --> 00:33:14,975
Does it show?
648
00:33:15,055 --> 00:33:17,575
Mmm-mmm, it looks like you
had a big plate of pasta.
649
00:33:17,655 --> 00:33:19,335
Oh, my God, I'm a fatty!
650
00:33:19,415 --> 00:33:20,775
But it's for a good cause.
651
00:33:21,775 --> 00:33:23,375
[sighs] Are you nervous?
652
00:33:23,455 --> 00:33:24,495
It's only boys.
653
00:33:24,575 --> 00:33:26,775
Once you get the blood
rushing to their dicks,
654
00:33:26,855 --> 00:33:28,175
they're like your servants.
655
00:33:28,255 --> 00:33:30,295
All I gotta do is convince the one guy
656
00:33:30,375 --> 00:33:33,175
who always watches me to go
inside and party with the others.
657
00:33:33,255 --> 00:33:35,855
Then there's ten minutes
before I drive the day shift up.
658
00:33:35,935 --> 00:33:39,215
Ten minutes for Alonso to grab
that shit from the wheel well.
659
00:33:40,295 --> 00:33:41,415
[whispering] Shit.
660
00:33:44,815 --> 00:33:46,175
- Go now.
- What?
661
00:33:46,255 --> 00:33:47,935
Do it! Do it now, trust me.
662
00:33:52,535 --> 00:33:53,895
What, I don't get any love?
663
00:33:55,455 --> 00:33:56,495
Well, that's a new one.
664
00:33:56,575 --> 00:33:59,455
We don't get touched a lot in
here, except by the lezzies.
665
00:33:59,535 --> 00:34:01,695
Sometimes, you need a
little human contact.
666
00:34:01,775 --> 00:34:03,255
Especially by an expert.
667
00:34:06,335 --> 00:34:07,495
[gasps]
668
00:34:13,455 --> 00:34:14,455
Ooh!
669
00:34:25,775 --> 00:34:27,095
You're all set.
670
00:34:27,175 --> 00:34:29,095
Hope it was as good for
you as it was for me.
671
00:34:29,175 --> 00:34:30,975
Don't forget about my friend over there.
672
00:34:31,055 --> 00:34:33,415
She really misses her boyfriend.
673
00:34:33,495 --> 00:34:35,255
Last frisk of the day.
674
00:34:40,575 --> 00:34:41,615
[sighs]
675
00:34:45,295 --> 00:34:46,455
[Maritza chuckles lightly]
676
00:34:47,735 --> 00:34:49,135
[sighs]
677
00:35:24,375 --> 00:35:25,535
Can I help you, miss?
678
00:35:25,615 --> 00:35:27,935
I'm just looking for now, thanks.
679
00:35:28,535 --> 00:35:30,215
So comfy.
680
00:35:30,295 --> 00:35:33,015
- I'm Lucas, if you need anything.
- Thanks.
681
00:35:42,255 --> 00:35:43,895
Ever drive one of these bad boys?
682
00:35:43,975 --> 00:35:45,415
Uh... [chuckles]
683
00:35:45,495 --> 00:35:48,375
I wasted half my life driving a Saab.
684
00:35:48,455 --> 00:35:50,455
My wife always said they
were safe in an accident.
685
00:35:50,935 --> 00:35:54,495
But they still couldn't pull any bodies
from the car wreck of our marriage.
686
00:35:55,815 --> 00:35:57,575
[both chuckle]
687
00:35:57,655 --> 00:35:58,615
You are bad.
688
00:36:00,295 --> 00:36:01,255
Well...
689
00:36:01,895 --> 00:36:03,975
you see anything here you like?
690
00:36:04,055 --> 00:36:06,215
Uh... definitely.
691
00:36:06,295 --> 00:36:07,975
Uh, what would you recommend?
692
00:36:08,055 --> 00:36:10,615
Well, the Gran Turismo is awesome,
693
00:36:10,695 --> 00:36:14,495
but the Gran Cabrio always gives me
a special little tingle. [Giggles]
694
00:36:14,575 --> 00:36:16,455
The Gran Cabrio it is.
695
00:36:17,175 --> 00:36:20,495
We're just gonna need some ID and
I'll go hook you up with the keys.
696
00:36:30,935 --> 00:36:32,815
How can we help you today, Mrs...
697
00:36:32,894 --> 00:36:33,854
Spencer.
698
00:36:34,855 --> 00:36:38,015
My hubby and I would like to take
the Gran Cabrio out for a spin.
699
00:36:39,415 --> 00:36:40,735
He's the one over there.
700
00:36:40,814 --> 00:36:42,215
Ain't he cute?
701
00:36:43,175 --> 00:36:44,215
Very distinguished.
702
00:36:44,294 --> 00:36:45,695
His name is Edward.
703
00:36:47,054 --> 00:36:49,615
All right, Mrs. Spencer.
704
00:36:49,694 --> 00:36:52,535
You are all set.
705
00:36:52,615 --> 00:36:54,734
You can take the one down
in front in Etruscan onyx.
706
00:36:55,775 --> 00:36:57,614
Uh, Etruscan...
707
00:36:57,695 --> 00:36:59,455
Between the classic obsidian
and the midnight noir.
708
00:36:59,534 --> 00:37:01,615
Oh, the Etruscan onyx!
709
00:37:05,855 --> 00:37:08,174
Wait till you feel this transaxle layout.
710
00:37:08,255 --> 00:37:10,135
A pretty lady who knows cars.
711
00:37:10,214 --> 00:37:11,774
This is like a junior high wet dream.
712
00:37:11,855 --> 00:37:14,294
It's important to chase
your dreams. After you.
713
00:37:19,975 --> 00:37:21,134
[gasps]
714
00:37:26,015 --> 00:37:27,935
Hey, sorry I got held up.
715
00:37:28,015 --> 00:37:30,254
Can't wait to tell you
more about this beauty.
716
00:37:32,695 --> 00:37:34,615
[engine starting and revving]
717
00:37:40,735 --> 00:37:42,734
[woman speaking indistinctly on PA]
718
00:37:46,334 --> 00:37:48,895
It's a pretty good squat
you got there, Jefferson.
719
00:37:48,974 --> 00:37:50,815
Strong knees.
720
00:37:50,894 --> 00:37:51,974
Thanks.
721
00:37:52,055 --> 00:37:54,055
Do you find yourself squatting
722
00:37:54,134 --> 00:37:57,215
in unusual places throughout
the course of your day?
723
00:37:57,295 --> 00:38:00,175
Places that people
wouldn't normally squat?
724
00:38:00,254 --> 00:38:02,534
What the fuck are you talking about?
725
00:38:02,615 --> 00:38:04,094
I have no idea.
726
00:38:32,475 --> 00:38:35,034
[Linda] I mean, we have all met those CFOs
727
00:38:35,115 --> 00:38:38,754
who think that Purchasing
is only about cost reduction.
728
00:38:38,835 --> 00:38:42,035
But it's like, hello, haven't they
ever heard of strategic sourcing,
729
00:38:42,114 --> 00:38:44,795
discount procurement,
or commodity cultivation?
730
00:38:44,874 --> 00:38:45,834
[man] That's fascinating.
731
00:38:45,915 --> 00:38:49,395
I'm sorry to take us
into choppy waters, but...
732
00:38:49,475 --> 00:38:51,555
how do you respond to the critics who say
733
00:38:51,635 --> 00:38:55,595
the bottom line is affecting
the prisoners' quality of life?
734
00:38:55,674 --> 00:38:57,114
Well, that is a good question.
735
00:38:58,314 --> 00:39:01,235
And at the end of the day, it is
a prison, not the Four Seasons.
736
00:39:01,314 --> 00:39:02,874
[laughing]
737
00:39:02,955 --> 00:39:04,674
[chuckles] Um... but all joking aside,
738
00:39:04,755 --> 00:39:07,835
we at MCC have found that
the prisoners' quality of life
739
00:39:07,914 --> 00:39:10,635
has actually improved
with the advent of cost...
740
00:39:10,715 --> 00:39:12,995
Why don't you tell 'em how
you doubled the beds, Linda?
741
00:39:13,074 --> 00:39:15,315
- [indistinct murmuring]
- Uh... [chuckles]
742
00:39:15,395 --> 00:39:16,434
As I was saying...
743
00:39:16,515 --> 00:39:19,074
Or tell 'em about how the
food makes everyone puke?
744
00:39:19,794 --> 00:39:20,754
[scoffs]
745
00:39:20,835 --> 00:39:23,115
Or that Sophia Burset is
in the SHU for no reason?
746
00:39:23,195 --> 00:39:24,515
Hey! That's enough.
747
00:39:24,594 --> 00:39:26,075
Well, if the gentleman has finished,
748
00:39:26,154 --> 00:39:28,235
- there will be a Q and A...
- Yeah. I'm finished all right.
749
00:39:28,314 --> 00:39:30,915
I'm finished with a company
that refuses to acknowledge
750
00:39:30,995 --> 00:39:34,035
what happens when we
monetize human beings.
751
00:39:34,115 --> 00:39:36,275
- [man] Do you wanna sit down?
- Do you even see yourselves?
752
00:39:36,354 --> 00:39:39,995
The magic lasers, and...
and prison ice cream.
753
00:39:40,074 --> 00:39:45,075
This whole thing is a disgusting display
of how industry dollars are spent.
754
00:39:45,155 --> 00:39:46,794
And I was like you a few months ago.
755
00:39:46,875 --> 00:39:49,674
I used to come to this
conference every year,
756
00:39:49,755 --> 00:39:52,434
[stammers] and I never
thought about the inmates.
757
00:39:52,515 --> 00:39:56,595
[stammering] But, you know, maybe
you're too afraid to admit it,
758
00:39:56,675 --> 00:39:59,315
but if you just go to my web
page, Dannytalkstruth.com...
759
00:39:59,394 --> 00:40:00,354
Why don't you come with me?
760
00:40:00,435 --> 00:40:01,794
Well, I bought a ticket
like everybody else.
761
00:40:01,875 --> 00:40:04,035
Hey, why don't you let
him go? He's harmless.
762
00:40:04,115 --> 00:40:06,155
- Uh, don't call me harmless, but I...
- Are you with him?
763
00:40:06,234 --> 00:40:07,194
I'm just trying to help.
764
00:40:07,275 --> 00:40:08,874
- Hey...
- Step back, step back. [Grunts]
765
00:40:08,955 --> 00:40:10,074
- [all gasp]
- [officer] That's it. You're done.
766
00:40:10,155 --> 00:40:11,595
Shit. I'm sorry.
767
00:40:11,675 --> 00:40:13,355
This is a misunderstanding.
768
00:40:13,434 --> 00:40:14,595
I am the warden at Litchfield.
769
00:40:14,675 --> 00:40:16,155
The Director of Human Activities.
770
00:40:16,235 --> 00:40:17,754
It's the same fucking thing.
771
00:40:17,835 --> 00:40:20,034
- [Pearson] It's a small point. Sorry, Joe.
- It's the same thing.
772
00:40:20,115 --> 00:40:21,234
[audience murmuring]
773
00:40:22,194 --> 00:40:25,835
- CorrectiCon Assaultimore, am I right?
- [both chuckle]
774
00:40:26,795 --> 00:40:28,475
[chuckles nervously]
775
00:40:32,795 --> 00:40:35,555
[indistinct radio chatter]
776
00:40:35,634 --> 00:40:37,554
Are you sure you don't wanna come with?
777
00:40:37,635 --> 00:40:40,074
We have to take the day
shift up in ten minutes.
778
00:40:40,155 --> 00:40:42,275
You can get pretty drunk in ten minutes.
779
00:40:42,354 --> 00:40:44,555
You want me to leave Ramos unattended?
780
00:40:44,634 --> 00:40:45,675
Or bring her with.
781
00:40:45,755 --> 00:40:47,595
You two can give us a little show.
782
00:40:49,395 --> 00:40:51,315
We're good here, thanks.
783
00:41:03,234 --> 00:41:05,754
Aren't you kinda curious
what they do in there?
784
00:41:05,835 --> 00:41:07,674
I know exactly what they do.
785
00:41:07,755 --> 00:41:11,394
Scratch each other's balls and play
Call of Duty: Guantanamo.
786
00:41:16,355 --> 00:41:19,035
Can you believe this whole maxi pad thing?
787
00:41:19,115 --> 00:41:21,555
I got a wad of toilet
paper so far up my hoohoo,
788
00:41:22,235 --> 00:41:24,075
I'm not sure it's ever gonna come out.
789
00:41:24,155 --> 00:41:26,555
And it's giving me a not-so-fresh feeling.
790
00:41:26,634 --> 00:41:29,555
I got a box of tampons at
my place. You can borrow one.
791
00:41:29,634 --> 00:41:31,955
- Really?
- Just make sure you return it.
792
00:41:33,594 --> 00:41:35,915
[both laughing]
793
00:41:53,235 --> 00:41:56,034
The torque vectoring is akin to
what you'd find at the Indy 500.
794
00:41:56,115 --> 00:41:59,355
Oh, yeah, I can feel the... torque.
795
00:41:59,434 --> 00:42:01,875
485 foot-pounds of torque.
796
00:42:01,954 --> 00:42:03,675
A Ferrari is only 400.
797
00:42:04,515 --> 00:42:06,195
You know a lot about cars.
798
00:42:06,274 --> 00:42:08,154
Uh, I sure do.
799
00:42:08,235 --> 00:42:10,794
Are there a lot of women in the industry?
800
00:42:12,514 --> 00:42:14,715
Mmm... what would you say?
801
00:42:14,794 --> 00:42:17,554
Yeah, but they're mostly glorified
hood ornaments, I'm afraid.
802
00:42:17,634 --> 00:42:20,115
- [all laughing]
- How long have you two been together?
803
00:42:20,194 --> 00:42:23,194
- Me and her?
- About ten minutes, ha!
804
00:42:23,274 --> 00:42:24,634
[nervous laughter]
805
00:42:24,714 --> 00:42:25,995
At least, it feels that way.
806
00:42:26,074 --> 00:42:28,434
Time moves pretty fast.
807
00:42:28,515 --> 00:42:30,435
- But not as fast as one of these babies!
- Mmm.
808
00:42:30,514 --> 00:42:31,875
Do you have kids?
809
00:42:31,954 --> 00:42:33,034
Yeah...
810
00:42:33,114 --> 00:42:34,875
Two spoiled little monsters.
811
00:42:34,954 --> 00:42:36,394
Fourteen and 16.
812
00:42:37,834 --> 00:42:39,234
From a previous marriage?
813
00:42:39,315 --> 00:42:41,154
Well, I've only been married the once.
814
00:42:41,235 --> 00:42:42,435
Learned my lesson.
815
00:42:42,514 --> 00:42:44,835
- I'm sorry, I thought you...
- Edward's pretty tough to nail down.
816
00:42:44,914 --> 00:42:47,634
[laughing] But you can't
blame me for trying.
817
00:42:47,715 --> 00:42:49,635
Trying to close the deal, so to speak.
818
00:42:49,714 --> 00:42:51,075
Good. What about you?
819
00:42:51,154 --> 00:42:52,194
You have kids?
820
00:42:53,955 --> 00:42:55,395
No, silly.
821
00:42:55,474 --> 00:42:57,274
Why would I keep that a secret? [Chuckles]
822
00:42:57,354 --> 00:42:58,314
Classic Edward.
823
00:42:58,395 --> 00:43:00,555
Actually, it's Teddy.
824
00:43:00,634 --> 00:43:03,034
Wait till you hear this sound system.
825
00:43:03,874 --> 00:43:05,994
[rock music playing]
826
00:43:08,034 --> 00:43:09,874
[yelling] How did you guys meet?
827
00:43:09,954 --> 00:43:11,914
Ooh, feel that bass!
828
00:43:11,994 --> 00:43:14,994
- What kind of meat?
- I just love hair metal!
829
00:43:15,075 --> 00:43:16,995
Meet! Where did you meet?
830
00:43:18,195 --> 00:43:20,554
Can you pull over? I
think I'm gonna be sick!
831
00:43:24,834 --> 00:43:25,954
[Maritza] Oh.
832
00:43:30,714 --> 00:43:32,154
[coughs]
833
00:43:35,674 --> 00:43:37,155
Are you gonna check on her?
834
00:43:38,434 --> 00:43:40,755
I was gonna ask you the same.
835
00:43:40,834 --> 00:43:42,114
[mimics retching]
836
00:43:43,714 --> 00:43:44,835
[coughs]
837
00:43:47,194 --> 00:43:48,714
[continues coughing]
838
00:43:50,595 --> 00:43:52,554
- You okay, sweetie?
- [panting]
839
00:43:56,394 --> 00:43:57,874
Hey! Where the hell are you going?
840
00:43:57,954 --> 00:43:59,274
[Teddy] What are you doing?
841
00:43:59,914 --> 00:44:01,515
[engine revving]
842
00:44:08,355 --> 00:44:09,714
So, how will you be paying?
843
00:44:09,795 --> 00:44:11,475
[indistinct chatter]
844
00:44:19,515 --> 00:44:20,715
You're missing an "E" in "careers."
845
00:44:20,794 --> 00:44:22,234
It's "carers."
846
00:44:23,715 --> 00:44:24,954
Like you care.
847
00:44:26,194 --> 00:44:27,354
Like you give a shit.
848
00:44:27,435 --> 00:44:29,115
[Sankey] "Community Carers"?
849
00:44:30,034 --> 00:44:31,114
That sounds kind of gay.
850
00:44:32,475 --> 00:44:34,434
Gay for safety, maybe.
851
00:44:34,515 --> 00:44:35,595
Gay for justice.
852
00:44:35,674 --> 00:44:37,794
- Huh?
- It is not gay.
853
00:44:37,875 --> 00:44:40,234
At least in the pejorative sense.
854
00:44:40,314 --> 00:44:42,195
We are a group of like-minded individuals
855
00:44:42,274 --> 00:44:46,674
that does not want to see this prison
overrun by gangs and gang violence.
856
00:44:46,755 --> 00:44:48,114
Don't you want that?
857
00:44:49,234 --> 00:44:50,595
I do. Ow.
858
00:44:52,834 --> 00:44:54,075
You need help spreading the word?
859
00:44:56,874 --> 00:44:58,434
[both laughing]
860
00:44:58,515 --> 00:45:00,034
I love it here.
861
00:45:00,114 --> 00:45:03,754
It's, like, where we met,
when you think about it.
862
00:45:03,834 --> 00:45:05,355
Yeah, it was pretty romantic.
863
00:45:05,434 --> 00:45:08,274
I mean, you were drooling
and dead and shit.
864
00:45:08,355 --> 00:45:09,555
[both laughing]
865
00:45:09,634 --> 00:45:12,795
And I'm freaking the fuck out.
866
00:45:12,874 --> 00:45:14,874
Can you read me something in German?
867
00:45:14,955 --> 00:45:16,674
I think it's such a pretty language.
868
00:45:16,755 --> 00:45:19,594
Yeah, maybe compared to, like, American?
869
00:45:20,235 --> 00:45:23,355
- You're so weird. [Laughs]
- Stop it! You're weird.
870
00:45:23,434 --> 00:45:25,434
Let's go find... let's go find the Rilke.
871
00:45:25,515 --> 00:45:27,234
Yes!
872
00:45:27,315 --> 00:45:29,194
- Yes!
- [giggles] Okay.
873
00:45:30,514 --> 00:45:31,834
- Turn around, it's this way.
- Mmm-mmm. What?
874
00:45:31,914 --> 00:45:34,834
- [indistinct talking]
- [laughs]
875
00:45:34,914 --> 00:45:36,514
Yay! Story time! [Giggles]
876
00:45:36,594 --> 00:45:38,274
Oh. Shh.
877
00:45:39,234 --> 00:45:40,714
She's been studying all morning.
878
00:45:42,675 --> 00:45:46,755
[gasps] Oh, my God, trig! My second
favorite category in Mathletics.
879
00:45:47,754 --> 00:45:50,595
Lucky me. A fairy
god-chink to teach me math.
880
00:45:50,674 --> 00:45:54,795
That's an offensive generalization,
although apt in this case.
881
00:45:54,874 --> 00:45:56,314
Yeah, she plays the piano, too.
882
00:45:56,394 --> 00:45:58,674
But I think bubble tea is disgusting.
883
00:45:58,755 --> 00:46:00,954
And I never liked Hello
Kitty. She has no mouth.
884
00:46:01,035 --> 00:46:01,995
Okay!
885
00:46:02,074 --> 00:46:04,635
The angle of elevation of
a hot air balloon changes
886
00:46:04,714 --> 00:46:07,834
from 25 degrees at 10:00 a.m.
to 60 degrees at 10:02 a.m.
887
00:46:07,914 --> 00:46:10,515
Did you already figure out
the point of observation?
888
00:46:11,674 --> 00:46:12,714
What the fuck is she saying?
889
00:46:13,275 --> 00:46:15,514
[chuckles] Okay, this is gonna be fun.
890
00:46:15,594 --> 00:46:18,114
But... not as fun as calculus.
891
00:46:18,195 --> 00:46:20,514
I mean, calculus is
where math meets poetry.
892
00:46:20,595 --> 00:46:22,515
And together, they give me a brain tumor.
893
00:46:22,594 --> 00:46:23,715
Okay.
894
00:46:23,794 --> 00:46:27,634
First, you're gonna need to
find out the tangent of 25
895
00:46:27,714 --> 00:46:29,715
before we can figure
out the tangent of 60.
896
00:46:29,794 --> 00:46:31,515
I'm not gonna lie, this
is kind of turning me on.
897
00:46:31,594 --> 00:46:34,275
Is this the kind of thing
I can use in real life?
898
00:46:34,354 --> 00:46:38,274
'Cause I'm supposed to be a
productive member of society.
899
00:46:38,355 --> 00:46:39,315
Or some shit.
900
00:46:39,394 --> 00:46:41,434
Yeah, well, trig is very
useful in determining
901
00:46:41,514 --> 00:46:42,994
the distance between celestial bodies.
902
00:46:43,074 --> 00:46:44,595
You're a celestial body.
903
00:46:44,674 --> 00:46:46,354
[laughs] You're embarrassing me.
904
00:46:46,434 --> 00:46:48,315
Okay. Um...
905
00:46:48,394 --> 00:46:53,154
the upward speed is
3.16 meters per second.
906
00:46:54,154 --> 00:46:56,274
See? There you go. That
wasn't too hard, was it?
907
00:46:56,355 --> 00:46:57,834
Yeah. Look at me go. [Scoffs]
908
00:46:58,594 --> 00:47:00,314
Yeah! That's the spirit. [Giggles]
909
00:47:05,514 --> 00:47:07,114
[Dixon] Are we talking
about the same McCullough?
910
00:47:07,714 --> 00:47:09,474
The one out there with
the resting bitch face.
911
00:47:09,554 --> 00:47:11,594
Oh, yeah. Oh, she could totally be cute,
912
00:47:11,674 --> 00:47:13,874
if she got Princess Diaried.
913
00:47:14,714 --> 00:47:16,034
Oh, is that like, uh...
914
00:47:17,634 --> 00:47:18,914
What is that?
915
00:47:19,554 --> 00:47:21,954
It's where the chick in the
movie is, like, all right.
916
00:47:22,034 --> 00:47:23,914
Normal. Hot-girl-actress normal.
917
00:47:23,994 --> 00:47:26,234
- Ah.
- But then, straighten the hair, right,
918
00:47:26,314 --> 00:47:29,154
take the glasses off, you fix her teeth.
919
00:47:29,234 --> 00:47:31,354
- Yeah.
- Give her a couple horse tranquilizers.
920
00:47:31,434 --> 00:47:33,634
- There you go.
- [scoffs]
921
00:47:33,714 --> 00:47:37,954
Dude, you play it so smooth, but
you're the biggest dick of all of us.
922
00:47:38,034 --> 00:47:39,114
Are you coming on to me?
923
00:47:39,194 --> 00:47:40,554
- Yes, I am.
- It's working.
924
00:47:41,794 --> 00:47:43,394
Hey, Stratman, you want my Coors?
925
00:47:43,954 --> 00:47:45,154
I haven't taken a sip of it yet.
926
00:47:45,234 --> 00:47:47,434
I'm sorry, is Officer
Dixon pacing himself?
927
00:47:47,514 --> 00:47:48,794
More room for Jäger.
928
00:47:48,874 --> 00:47:49,834
Oh.
929
00:47:50,714 --> 00:47:51,674
Sure, I guess.
930
00:47:51,754 --> 00:47:53,234
- [Dixon] There you go.
- Oh, fuck, man!
931
00:47:53,314 --> 00:47:54,714
- Oh!
- What the fuck?
932
00:47:54,794 --> 00:47:56,754
Oh! Classic!
933
00:47:56,834 --> 00:47:58,954
[laughs] Oh, classic.
934
00:47:59,034 --> 00:48:00,674
I'm never gonna be able to unsee that.
935
00:48:12,354 --> 00:48:13,554
Hey, who's the taco?
936
00:48:16,394 --> 00:48:17,554
Dude!
937
00:48:19,634 --> 00:48:21,594
Yo, amigo! What are you doing here?
938
00:48:23,034 --> 00:48:24,034
[Dixon] Hey, bro.
939
00:48:24,114 --> 00:48:25,434
You habla English?
940
00:48:25,514 --> 00:48:26,914
[Maritza] 'Lonso!
941
00:48:26,994 --> 00:48:30,834
You're supposed to trim the
bushes on Wednesday, not Tuesday.
942
00:48:32,114 --> 00:48:33,154
[in Spanish] Follow me.
943
00:48:34,034 --> 00:48:36,674
- You know this dude?
- You guys haven't met Alonso?
944
00:48:36,754 --> 00:48:38,154
He's the gardener guy.
945
00:48:38,874 --> 00:48:40,714
I don't think I've ever seen him sober.
946
00:48:40,794 --> 00:48:43,554
No wonder he don't know his
Tuesday from his Wednesday.
947
00:48:43,634 --> 00:48:45,154
Oh, a man after my own heart.
948
00:48:45,714 --> 00:48:47,154
Well, hey, bro, if you could, uh...
949
00:48:47,234 --> 00:48:49,994
take care of the weeds and shit out front,
950
00:48:50,074 --> 00:48:52,034
I know me and the fellas
would really appreciate it.
951
00:48:52,594 --> 00:48:55,554
We may be animals, but
we're not, you know, animals.
952
00:48:57,234 --> 00:48:58,914
Yes, I... I will do that.
953
00:48:59,634 --> 00:49:00,754
Thanks.
954
00:49:10,194 --> 00:49:13,114
[in Spanish] You're smarter
than you look, pretty girl.
955
00:49:17,194 --> 00:49:18,354
[sighs]
956
00:49:27,714 --> 00:49:30,794
I know. Sucks being a
lady sometimes, doesn't it?
957
00:49:40,594 --> 00:49:42,114
It was... it was all
a knee-jerk reaction.
958
00:49:42,194 --> 00:49:44,034
I would actually blame Danny for that.
959
00:49:44,114 --> 00:49:46,194
Go ahead, tell my dad. I don't care.
960
00:49:47,274 --> 00:49:49,034
Why? Why would I tell your dad?
961
00:49:49,954 --> 00:49:50,954
No, I... [stuttering]
962
00:49:51,034 --> 00:49:53,714
I'm only saying if you
did, I wouldn't care.
963
00:49:55,354 --> 00:50:00,194
Danny, telling Jack that you were
arrested by a Baltimore rent-a-cop
964
00:50:00,274 --> 00:50:04,194
would mean telling him that I was
arrested by a Baltimore rent-a-cop.
965
00:50:04,274 --> 00:50:05,834
So rest easy.
966
00:50:05,914 --> 00:50:10,554
Your career as Norma Rae is safe with me.
967
00:50:10,634 --> 00:50:12,234
Oh. Okay.
968
00:50:13,034 --> 00:50:14,234
Thanks.
969
00:50:15,714 --> 00:50:17,594
'Course I can't speak for her.
970
00:50:20,674 --> 00:50:23,034
So... Linda, huh?
971
00:50:24,514 --> 00:50:25,874
I knew you were in bed with my father,
972
00:50:25,954 --> 00:50:28,314
but I didn't know you were
doing it with Satan herself.
973
00:50:28,394 --> 00:50:30,074
We're not doing it.
974
00:50:31,314 --> 00:50:32,674
What the hell is that supposed to mean?
975
00:50:34,714 --> 00:50:37,874
From one Director of Human
Activity to another...
976
00:50:37,954 --> 00:50:39,154
[whispers] watch out for that one.
977
00:50:42,594 --> 00:50:43,834
[Linda] Okay.
978
00:50:45,674 --> 00:50:48,074
I've convinced them that you're
no longer a threat to society.
979
00:50:50,154 --> 00:50:51,754
You can leave now, Danny.
980
00:50:52,954 --> 00:50:54,234
Boo. Hiss.
981
00:50:55,554 --> 00:50:57,754
Uh-uh. Not you.
982
00:50:57,834 --> 00:50:59,754
- I know, I...
- [door closes]
983
00:50:59,834 --> 00:51:00,994
I lost my cool in there.
984
00:51:01,074 --> 00:51:05,554
You should have followed MCC protocol
never to engage with a protester.
985
00:51:05,634 --> 00:51:09,394
But that is not your worst offense.
986
00:51:11,034 --> 00:51:12,434
You, sir...
987
00:51:12,514 --> 00:51:14,514
are arrested...
988
00:51:14,594 --> 00:51:16,994
for chivalry in the first degree.
989
00:51:17,754 --> 00:51:18,954
[chuckles] What?
990
00:51:19,034 --> 00:51:21,714
[laughs] Standing up for me like that.
991
00:51:22,834 --> 00:51:26,314
You are full of surprises, mister.
992
00:51:30,874 --> 00:51:32,274
[Linda moans]
993
00:51:33,594 --> 00:51:35,034
Those Karate Kid moves.
994
00:51:35,114 --> 00:51:37,074
- I got more moves where that came from.
- Oh, yeah?
995
00:51:37,154 --> 00:51:38,474
[moaning]
996
00:51:38,554 --> 00:51:39,954
Let's see.
997
00:51:43,394 --> 00:51:44,954
[breathes deeply]
998
00:51:47,794 --> 00:51:49,354
[Linda moaning]
999
00:51:50,674 --> 00:51:51,634
Oh!
1000
00:51:52,554 --> 00:51:53,514
[exhales]
1001
00:51:54,634 --> 00:51:55,594
[giggles]
1002
00:51:57,754 --> 00:52:01,514
Let me start by saying, I am
so encouraged by this turnout.
1003
00:52:02,394 --> 00:52:06,074
I always knew that Litchfield
had a strong community of carers.
1004
00:52:06,154 --> 00:52:08,114
Women who are willing
to keep their eyes open
1005
00:52:08,194 --> 00:52:10,954
for any miscreant
activity, any malfeasance.
1006
00:52:13,754 --> 00:52:15,234
Bad stuff.
1007
00:52:16,354 --> 00:52:18,234
There is a sickness sweeping this prison.
1008
00:52:18,314 --> 00:52:19,314
Like an STD?
1009
00:52:19,394 --> 00:52:22,074
A societal STD, you might say.
1010
00:52:23,834 --> 00:52:25,194
And we...
1011
00:52:26,194 --> 00:52:27,914
we get to be the antibodies.
1012
00:52:27,994 --> 00:52:33,834
The medicated cream, I guess,
that then fights off that STD.
1013
00:52:33,914 --> 00:52:37,514
Whenever you are walking down the
halls and you sense a shadowy presence,
1014
00:52:37,594 --> 00:52:39,914
whenever the walls are
tainted with graffiti...
1015
00:52:39,994 --> 00:52:42,274
- [chuckles] She said "taint."
- Shh.
1016
00:52:42,354 --> 00:52:44,634
What I am trying to say is...
1017
00:52:46,474 --> 00:52:49,834
will you join me on a quest
to keep our hallways clean
1018
00:52:49,914 --> 00:52:52,394
and our hearts pure of purpose?
1019
00:52:53,514 --> 00:52:55,394
Piper's right, you guys.
1020
00:52:55,474 --> 00:52:59,074
You can't swing a cat around here
lately without hitting a dirty Dominican.
1021
00:52:59,153 --> 00:53:00,514
Oh, no, that's not what I meant.
1022
00:53:00,593 --> 00:53:03,754
Amen to that! You know, we're always
having to hear about Latin Pride.
1023
00:53:03,833 --> 00:53:05,914
- Yeah.
- And Black Pride.
1024
00:53:05,993 --> 00:53:07,114
And Asian Pride.
1025
00:53:07,193 --> 00:53:08,234
Wait, Asian Pride?
1026
00:53:08,314 --> 00:53:10,114
Yo, why can't there be
such a thing as White Pride?
1027
00:53:10,193 --> 00:53:14,153
Yeah! We're always hearing
about how black lives matter.
1028
00:53:14,234 --> 00:53:15,994
Well, don't our lives matter?
1029
00:53:16,073 --> 00:53:17,273
Right?
1030
00:53:17,354 --> 00:53:19,313
White lives matter.
1031
00:53:19,394 --> 00:53:21,274
[chanting] White lives matter!
1032
00:53:21,353 --> 00:53:23,314
White lives matter!
1033
00:53:23,393 --> 00:53:25,274
[all] White lives matter!
1034
00:53:25,354 --> 00:53:26,914
White lives matter!
1035
00:53:26,993 --> 00:53:28,634
White lives matter!
1036
00:53:28,714 --> 00:53:30,713
White lives matter!
1037
00:53:30,794 --> 00:53:32,393
White lives matter!
1038
00:53:32,474 --> 00:53:34,234
White lives matter!
1039
00:53:34,313 --> 00:53:36,394
White lives matter!
1040
00:53:36,473 --> 00:53:38,314
White lives matter!
1041
00:53:38,393 --> 00:53:40,034
White lives matter!
1042
00:53:40,114 --> 00:53:41,354
White lives matter!
1043
00:53:41,434 --> 00:53:43,354
White lives matter!
1044
00:53:43,433 --> 00:53:44,954
White lives matter!
1045
00:53:45,034 --> 00:53:46,594
White lives matter!
1046
00:53:46,673 --> 00:53:48,314
White lives matter!
1047
00:53:48,394 --> 00:53:49,874
White lives matter!
1048
00:53:49,954 --> 00:53:51,274
White lives matter!
1049
00:53:51,353 --> 00:53:52,913
White lives matter!
1050
00:53:52,994 --> 00:53:54,314
White lives matter!
1051
00:53:54,394 --> 00:53:55,594
White lives matter!
1052
00:53:55,673 --> 00:53:57,473
[chanting continues]
1053
00:53:59,273 --> 00:54:01,553
["Tomorrow Belongs to Me" playing]