[cell door slams]
♪ The animals the animals ♪
♪ Trapped trapped trapped till the cage is full ♪
♪ The cage is full the day is new ♪
♪ And everyone is waiting waiting on you ♪
♪ And you've got time ♪
♪ Think of all the roads ♪
♪ Think of all their crossings ♪
♪ Taking steps is easy ♪
♪ Standing still is hard ♪
♪ Remember all their faces ♪
♪ Remember all their voices ♪
♪ Everything is different ♪
♪ The second time around ♪
[cell door slams]
♪ And you've got time ♪
[cell door slams]
[crying]
[snoring]
[speaking Russian]
What are you looking for?
My mirror. Where is my mirror?
It's not there?
Not unless it suddenly turned invisible.
I have been robbed.
Where is my mirror?
What?
The magnifying mirror! The one from my desk.
The one I've seen you use for your eyebrows.
I don't know.
No one sleeps when my things go missing!
I'm not sleeping. I can't sleep.
- [snoring] - Wake up.
My mirror is missing.
We have to live together.
It would be pretty dumb to steal from you.
Like you're all geniuses.
- [snoring] - Wake up, motorboat.
Please. I didn't go to sleep until you left for the shower.
I swear. I kept myself up.
Where is my mirror?
On the desk?
She wouldn't steal from you.
She's terrified of you.
Why would I want to look at myself in the mirror?
Hey, Reznikov.
It's time to make the donuts.
I'm not ready, and my mirror is missing.
I don't give a tiger's testicle.
Look, the faster I deliver you, the faster I can get back
to my mindfulness practice, so let's go.
Do you think your time is more valuable than mine?
Fine, fine.
I'll put my face on in the kitchen, huh?
[woman] Shut up! I'm trying to sleep! Jesus.
Wait.
Where's my lip pencil?
[sobs]
Where the hell is my lip pencil?
Now, Reznikov.
Fucking thieves.
I will find you!
[woman] Shut the fuck up!
Oh, shoot. She left the light on.
[women groaning]
Thank you.
You okay?
[crying] Not even a little bit.
♪♪
[water running]
[indistinct conversations]
I'm not even looking. I don't care.
You're not even that hot.
Wait, maybe you are.
[Judy whistles]
[Judy] You know, this is starting to feel like overkill.
You think so? More like looks could kill.
Check out the stink-eye in this place.
You know, maybe that's 'cause there's a boy in the girls' room.
No, these... these ladies don't seem too bothered by me.
- [Judy groaning] - The bathroom is where
- you're the most vulnerable. - [scoffs]
I mean, haven't you ever seen Psycho or read an actuarial table?
Yoga Jones ordered this protection.
Frankly, I think it was an overreaction.
♪ I've been stealin' dem other ladies' pies ♪
♪ And ooh that was a bust ♪
♪ 'Cause them other ladies been fakin' when they bakin' ♪
♪ Using that store-bought crust ♪
♪ But Judy's pies is oh so tasty ♪
♪ And I never get my fill ♪
- ♪ So blame on it the pies ♪ - On the other hand.
♪ If you see me climbin' on your windowsill... ♪
I'll be right outside.
Oh, hey. You got the new O?
I was reading a good article.
Oh, you know, I think McCullogh walked off with that.
Oh. Here.
You want Women's Health?
- Thank you. - Enjoy.
Now, I believe those are my eggs.
I only took one bite. It was getting cold.
[sighs]
You know, this is getting ridiculous.
I can't spend the rest of my time
with some ding-dong like that following me around.
Isolation perpetuates the rumors.
That you hate black people?
Look, it was the '80s, all right?
Everybody was a moron in the '80s.
I just want to be able to walk around here without everybody looking at me
like I'm some kind of terrified bigot.
Out there is overrated.
Why don't we have a TV brought in?
Oh, no.
You know, I wouldn't want to risk sullying your karma...
your chi or whatever with such a base object.
Idiot box... I believe that's what you called it last week.
Did I? I don't remember.
Mm-hmm.
And I think you called me the idiot on the idiot box, right?
Well, it's starting to look like it's true.
Now there... there's got to be some way to clear the air,
make reparations.
Forty acres and some eggs.
Why don't you tell them again
how many black friends you have in your kitchen and your field?
Okay. You shut up, you P.C. hippie hypocrite.
I would wager that your last address
before you came here wasn't exactly in the inner city.
At least I didn't talk to puppets that use the word "jigaboo."
Mm.
No more eggs for you.
[indistinct conversations]
[operator] An inmate from Litchfield Federal Prison
is attempting to contact you.
Cal!
- Piper! - Cal.
Cal, you have no idea how badly I've wanted... to hear your voice.
Well, would you rather hear my voice
or a pre-war Gibson banjo that Earl Scruggs played at the Opry?
- Your voice for sure. - You're right, you're right.
I haven't earned it yet. I need to practice more.
So, you got Neri's message, didn't you?
What? What message?
Neri sent you a psychic message to call us.
I... I was skeptical at first, but I mean, here you are.
Cal, I've missed you so much.
There's really nobody in here for me to talk to right now.
[shouting] We are pregnant!
You got pregnant in the basement?
[squeals] I mean, we think that it might have actually happened
in the laundry room or maybe in the dining room.
Um, we're not sure.
Mom has this standing hair appointment Tuesdays from 11:00 to 1:00,
and yet her hair has never changed. It's a mystery.
I mean, we're not technically supposed to tell anyone yet
because it's only eight weeks, but I don't care. Fuck it.
Holy shit.
Wow.
Congratulations.
That's wonderful.
It is pretty cool.
I'm already bonding with the baby.
I talk to him and I sing to him, in English and in Korean.
Did I tell you that we're all learning Korean?
Oh, we've got a whole new business, Pipes.
We ship used clothes over to Korea... vintage.
Podo suhwag.
I mean, we're killing it. They can't get enough.
Neri sweeps through Goodwill, Sally Army, Saint V's,
and then she ships it over to our friend Helen Hong in Seoul.
I mean, ever since the panties dried up, we were... we were in real trouble,
but babies bring luck and inspiration.
Yeong-gam.
What do you think of the name Clarence, huh?
Clarence Chapman?
Do you know it's a boy?
I don't. Not yet.
But I am willing it to be a boy because women are terrifying.
- Yeah. - Yeah, yeah.
Neri is pretty psyched, and I am here to buy him his first banjo.
You can never start too early.
Music education sucks in schools now, which is like a total travesty.
- [voice breaking] Cal. - No, I know.
I know. I know. If it is a girl,
and it could be, she will play the fiddle.
So maybe... maybe I shouldn't pull the trigger yet on a banjo.
You're gonna be an amazing dad.
I'm totally fucking scared that I'm gonna fuck it all up.
I mean, you know where we came from.
You are so much warmer, you are so much lovelier,
and you are so much awesomer.
Plus you married the anti-mom. There's no way.
Stop it.
Wow. That is so nice of you to say.
I'm really glad you called, Pipes.
I just wanted to check in and, um, hear your voice.
[man on P.A.] All Whispers employees report to the yard.
Whispers employees to the yard.
Cal... I... I... I got to go.
I love you, Daddy.
Okay, yeah, love you.
Bye, Auntie Piper!
Okay, bye!
Bye.
[sniffling]
Looks like you got light bugs.
Might be an infestation.
Oh, gee.
I don't know what to do about that.
You got any advice for me, Ms. Nichols?
Darkness, Ms. Morello.
You fight the light with darkness.
Care to visit me on the dark side?
Well, actually, it's Mrs. Muccio now.
Didn't even spring for the hyphenate, huh?
We're very traditional.
Looks like you might need to do a little bit of cleaning up in here.
Yeah, yeah. I'll get to that one later.
That's our stall.
I'm aware.
I'm married now.
I took vows.
You know, it's, uh... it's not cheating if you're in different zip codes, right?
And, uh, there's no dick, so that's a freebie.
It's cheating if I even think about somebody else.
Lusting in the heart and all that?
Just like Jimmy Carter says.
You really telling me you didn't miss me at all?
You didn't think about me?
'Cause I sure missed you.
Of course I missed you.
But that's because I was worried about you.
Look.
Look, there's a little chip in the tile from when you cut your arm.
Aw, remember you didn't notice until after your third orgasm?
Okay, no. No, you are not helping me.
You're making me think about things
I should not be thinking about, and it's not right, Nicky.
Where'd you go?
No, stay there. Don't. Leave me alone.
Baby. I'm here.
I can touch you.
You need to be touched.
He can't give that to you.
Uh, no. No, no, no, no, no. Okay, no.
Vinny and I... we have a future.
[Nichols] Sure.
Or you have no future.
'Cause you're virtual strangers living in a fantasy world,
and it's gonna shatter into a million pieces
when the mundane realities of day-to-day life
intrude on your maiden-in-a-tower,
prince-down-below, fairy tale bullshit...
'Cause it's retarded.
Plus, he's probably been bangin'
the single mom next door the whole time anyway
because who can live on fantasy and promises for that long?
I mean, people get lonely.
Or not, okay?
Maybe it's the real thing.
I've never met the guy.
For all I know, maybe it's true love, right?
Are you sure he wouldn't get off on hearing about you with another chick?
- [Piscatella] Owens! - Here.
- Piendak. - Here.
- Sankey. - Here.
Watson.
Let me hear a verbal confirmation, inmate.
- Here. - A little bit louder now.
- Here! - Ow!
- What? - Nothing.
Sorry, my ear was too close to your mouth. My bad.
Now, ladies, due to the breach in security at the Whispers factory,
it has been decided that all employees of Whispers
will be replaced with more trustworthy inmates.
Hey, you mean we ain't got jobs no more?
Means you ain't got that job no more.
But lucky for you, a new opportunity has knocked.
- Welcome to Construction 101. - [murmurs and groans]
So, wait, is this a job or is this a class?
This is vocational training.
Uh, paid vocational training?
We was making a dollar an hour at Whispers.
- [murmurs of agreement] - If you are able to master these skills
and get a job once you're released,
the paycheck could be in your future.
But to be clear as crystal, no money... for whatever this is.
This is a class.
[groans and murmurs]
Hope it was worth it.
Mm-hmm.
You gonna fill my commissary now?
Hey, back the fuck off.
[Piscatella] Hey! Hey!
Eyes up front.
I will now introduce you
to your construction foreman instructor, Mr. McDonald.
- Ooh! [wolf-whistles] - He will walk you through safety training
so we can have an efficient and incident-free
work learning environment.
[catcalling]
Oh, baby. I'd let him jackhammer me.
I think I'm gonna need a lot of instruction.
Please let him be straight.
Wrangler jeans. He's straight.
Yeah, right. You can keep me safe, Mr. Mackadocious.
Quiet down, inmates.
Mr. Piscatella?
I have a heart condition,
and I don't know if this whole, you know, manual labor
and heat thing is gonna work for me.
I think I got a bad heart, too.
Yeah, me too.
Come up here and we'll find you an appropriate position...
Demarco.
I know what position I'd like. [tongue clicks]
That's enough, ma'am.
Ladies, safety is number one on the job site,
and safety comes with confidence and comfort using tools and equipment.
Confidence and comfort come from practice and common sense.
Now, I will be your guide and supervisor as we erect a structure.
He said "erect."
What exactly is this structure?
From the plans I've been given, it's a giant cube with a roof.
Now, anyone here have any carpentry or construction experience?
Show of hands.
- I need an apprentice. - [all] Oh!
[women clamoring]
I love your enthusiasm, ladies.
[Piscatella] Let's wait to choose an apprentice till we see who earns it.
Inmates, give us a minute while we figure out your work assignments.
If we gonna make anything off of this,
we got to get that paparazzi pizza dough.
We got to get the phone charged.
Juice up the box!
Juice up the box?
Like a juice box?
Only the juice is electricity and the box is the ph...
You called money "paparazzi pizza dough."
- Okay, fine. - I'll give you half a point for effort.
Hell, no, you ain't. This ain't no participation trophy.
Look, that's what wrong with this country.
You either score or you miss.
[mechanical clanging]
God damn it!
We lost the hydraulics!
- Try downshifting. - [man] I tried that already!
- Can you fix it? - I'm not a mechanic.
McDonald.
Let's put our new trainees to work while we wait on the fix.
Everyone, grab a shovel and let's get started.
Shouldn't we finish going through safety training before we get started?
You did. Practice and common sense.
Stay safe.
Let's get to work.
Let's go! Hard hats first, please.
How is this educational?
Lesson one... don't do crime because prison is unpleasant.
Start digging, ladies.
Grab a hard hat and a shovel!
Oops!
Silly me.
I'm so clumsy.
Got 'em!
- Let's do this. - [gasps]
What?
Don't hold out on me.
I'm not holding nothing.
But you promised to show me how to do eye makeup like you do.
Oh! That.
Right. Yeah, right!
Okay, but I've been thinking, though.
You got to bring your own pencil 'cause if you use mine,
you could get, like, pinkeye or something.
Do you have pinkeye?
I don't think so.
But I don't know.
And you got to be really careful around here.
Okay, so listen, you go to the drugstore.
You get yourself a really good black eyeliner pencil,
- and then I'll show you everything. - Right.
And it doesn't even have to be expensive neither.
Maybe pick up a mascara, too... the pink one.
And then we'll do a whole lesson, okay?
Yeah, okay. [chuckles]
Okay. Great. I got to go.
I'm gonna think about ways on how to make your eyes really pop
and make you really cute.
♪♪
Mmm, mmm.
Man.
You know, I don't know what your secret is, specs,
but you are looking even hotter than I remember.
Suck it, Nichols.
Come on. You're single, I'm single. The birds are singing. The grass is soft.
The grass is covered in off-brand weed killer.
Pretty please, okay?
I just spent 94 days in max in an eight-bed cell
with, among others, two random shriekers
and a woman who put her baby through a dryer cycle.
Oh, that is sexy.
Oh! Oh, that's nothing.
I learned to shit in front of an audience.
You know, of course, what you're flushing
is mainly just whatever's left of your humanity, so...
Yeah, well, it's not like it's been a fun fest over here.
Fuck you, Vause. This place is like a camp.
W... what happened?
Commissary run out of chocolate chips?
It's been a shitty couple of months, Nicky.
You're not the only one that has rough times.
Okay, new plan.
You and me go on a magic carpet ride to happy town.
Jesus, you have a one-track mind.
[chuckles]
For your information, I have a two-track mind.
Alright? Come join me on track deux.
Look. You can even keep your clothes on.
Oh, of course, you know,
if you don't need a vacation from your reality,
then, uh, hey, by all means, decline.
♪♪
[indistinct conversations]
Hey. Smells good.
You leave that stuff in the place?
I need to talk to you about that.
Why? Something went wrong?
No, no, no, no. No, it was fine. I mean, sorry. I left it. It's all fine.
[microwave beeps]
Ooh, you got the shrimp flavor.
That's a good one.
I haven't been eating so good lately 'cause I'm so nervous all the time.
Have you tried meditating?
Maria, I need to stop.
I almost got caught today.
I think the key word there is "almost."
Almost don't count.
So you're gonna calm yourself
and you're gonna keep doing what you're doing.
And if I don't want to?
Ain't about want.
[sighs]
[man] Keep it going!
[ratcheting]
Hey, Boo. Are you thirsty?
[Boo] Oh, fuck, yeah.
What is this, some kind of lesbian superpower
that you can fix machines like this, like a man?
- [laughs] Are you kidding? - Wow.
Oh!
[sighs]
- I got no fucking clue what I'm doing. - You don't?
I figure if I loosen and tighten the bolt repeatedly,
it eats up the whole fucking day and keeps me out of the trenches.
That's pretty smart.
Now, scram, girl. You're blowing my cover.
Oh, no, no, no. It's totally cool.
They assigned me to learn from you,
just in case if anything breaks, somebody else here knows how to fix it.
'Cause like, what if you get let out or you're busy?
How do you like them apples?
All About Eve, huh?
- Yeah, yeah. - [chuckling]
'Cause Adam... Adam told her not to eat that apple.
Then she ate it. She became wise.
Just like me.
Yeah. Tell you what.
Come on under here. I'll show you what we're doing.
[ratcheting]
[grunting]
Keep working, inmate.
Oh, Jesus. You cutting yourself now?
I thought I was the emo one.
- What? - You're bleeding.
Fuck.
I used to cut myself, but in like, cool designs.
She should cut herself.
We're all out of work because of her.
[Blake] If you can't dig and talk at the same time,
then you dig and shut up.
Shovels in the dirt now.
And don't touch them for half an hour.
I'm not doing free fixing 'cause you're a moron
and felt like seeing if they were dry.
Okay. I said it was a mistake.
Some lint got stuck to it.
[speaking Spanish]
Got time for a walk-in?
Don't expect a family discount.
You been chewing on these again?
- Some of us got a lot on our mind. - You don't think I got a lot on my mind?
I got to figure out a place to set up the salon out there.
I got to hire girls to help me.
Maybe a receptionist with great nails
so that everyone could see the work right when they walk in.
What the fuck are you talking about?
I'm talking about my future.
You got to get your cosmetology license.
You got to rent a place,
fill it with chairs and foot buckets
and get the machine that kills the germs on the tools.
Where you gonna get money for all of that?
You're lucky if you could afford a few bottles of polish.
Got a lot on your mind.
[scoffs] You got some nerve.
You got make-believe on your mind.
♪♪
You know, maybe you can...
start in someone else's place,
learn the business, and take over that shit.
You'll run it in no time.
You're like that bug that takes over the other bug
and controls it and everything.
And you're really good at figuring out business stuff,
so...
What color you want?
[sighs]
Oh, C.O. Bayley. I asked you politely to please wait outside.
- Ms. Washington is a friend. - Right, but I'm your shadow.
"Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men?
The Shadow knows." [yells theatrically]
Been listening to a retro radio podcast.
Podca... no? Okay.
All right. I'll, uh, I'll wait outside.
Ooh.
The Wise Man's Fear?
I loved The Name of the Wind. Can I... borrow that?
Knock yourself out.
What's going on with that?
[scoffs]
I... I've been assigned protection, and it's driving me bananas.
Now, I know your friends are frustrated with me,
but surely we can find some way to work that out.
Wait. Wait.
You think the black girls are gonna jump you?
Well, the crazy one has been taunting me
with songs from the show, and the big one with the puffy hair?
She cornered me in the hallway with the gal with the head wrap.
I didn't make that up.
It's not like you wouldn't deserve it after that Chitlin' mess.
[scoffs]
- They were puppets. - Puppets that reinforce stereotypes
that black people are dumb and superstitious.
They steal and they love being indentured servants.
And don't get me started on the cannibalism.
I got to tell you, it's disappointing.
Look, I sincerely regret it, but they did promote fresh food.
I mean, there was a message.
All right. Listen. I'm gonna tell you the truth.
I did a lot of blow back in the early '80s,
and it kept me thin and awake,
but it didn't do much for my cultural sensitivity
or my bank account or my gynecological health.
Now, the chips fell,
I eventually moved on, and here I am.
But it can get lonely, you know?
I'm trying to put a brave face on it,
but to tell you the truth, I could use some friends
other than a skinny hippie always in crisis.
You know, it's hard enough being in here without feeling everybody hates me.
Did it ever occur to you that it's racist to assume
that black people are gonna beat you up for being racist?
And you have a good point there.
Right. All right, look. I'm trying.
I mean, maybe I am a racist.
Maybe I'm just too stupid to know it, but shit.
I am the friendliest racist that you are ever gonna meet,
- so can't we all just get along? - [scoffs]
All right.
All right, I'll talk to them, see what's up.
Great, thank you. Thank you. I really appreciate it.
You are one of the good ones.
No, I meant that as in people in general.
Just... shh!
[water running]
[nearby giggling]
She saw me.
Nicky?
Nicky.
- [yelps] - [laughs]
What are you doing?
Hey, bummer Chapman. Get the fuck down or fuck the fuck off.
[singsong] Bum, bum-bum-bum, bummer.
My tongue feels delightful.
- Hey! - [laughing]
[Piper] Ow!
Oh, shit.
You know, from this angle,
your nose hairs are pretty prominent.
- Oh, my God. - Look at that.
She used to trim them.
You are really letting yourself go, Chapman.
Are you two crazy? What the fuck are you doing?
It's a weekly meeting, okay,
for the morally morose and successfully challenged.
- So we're just going back and forth - Yeah.
And uh, talking about all the truly dreadful, horrible shit
that we have slog through on a daily basis, you know.
- And we're smoking crack. - Oh, yeah, that, too.
Are you two fucking serious?
While not my first choice,
crack in small amounts is actually good for you.
It's gotten a bad rap over the years.
- I don't even know why. - Yeah, yeah.
Drug beggars can't be drug choosers, you know?
Perfect.
So you guys are cracked out of your minds.
Mm.
[Nichols] Whoa.
[sighs]
And you can be, too. Here.
Full disclosure, that crack's been up someone's ass.
- Probably Angie's. - Oh, definitely Angie's.
Yeah. I traded her lipstick for it.
[sniffs] Eh, don't worry, Piper. It's sterilized by the flame.
Fuck it.
Whoa.
Seriously?
Why would you offer it to me
if you weren't actually gonna share it with me?
No, I'm... I'm just surprised.
Well, don't be.
Hand it over.
Okay, so what do I do?
Breathe in...
real deep.
♪♪
[Nichols] Real deep. Hold it.
Wow...
- Wow. - Take it easy.
Take it easy? Fuck that. I was branded, okay?
Man, I did not see that coming.
Holy shit.
You're a Nazi now?
Not a Nazi. I think I'm a Nazi sympathizer.
I think that was the message. I brought this on myself.
This is what I've become. This is what I've become.
This is what I've fucking become, you guys.
How do I come back from this? I sent Stella down the hill.
- Why did I have to do that? - She stole your money.
I was acquainted with her in max.
My parents didn't teach me to be like this.
What I did to Maria?
I didn't feel bad.
I didn't think twice.
I just... went too far.
I always go too far.
I always go too fucking far.
And I can't fucking stop it.
You're not the worst person in here, Piper.
I think that I was trying to win prison.
And I've destroyed people's lives.
Give me that shit again.
Yeah.
[coughs, sniffs]
I killed someone.
- [laughs] Fuck, man. - Hmm.
What? By accident?
No.
No, I killed him.
On purpose.
Fuck, man.
Shut up, shut up, shut up.
What? How? That's impossible. You couldn't do that. I know you.
Last month.
Kubra sent someone in here to kill me, like I said he would.
In here?!
Fuckin' A.
How?
Alex, what did you do with the body?
[laughs]
You're sitting on him.
Parts of him. I mean, he's all over.
Oh, Alex
[crying] Stop.
Look, just because I sit behind a desk all day
does not mean your job is harder than mine.
As a matter of fact, it does.
You dig a hole for four hours and tell us if your job is harder.
Do you know how complicated phones have gotten since we been inside?
As complicated as finding chargers for them?
[Taystee] I'm trying! Caputo's got a different brand going on.
There go my girl, P.
Please tell these bitches
that my job is just as hard as digging a ditch.
- It's not. - [both] Oh!
Look. Why y'all trying to beat up Judy King
'Cause she racist.
Why would we beat up an old white lady?
One pop and she down.
And it would ruin the photo.
Ain't nobody trying to beat down Judy King.
- Who told you that? - She did.
She told me y'all chased her down a hallway
and Crazy Eyes was singing like a murder doll.
Wait, what photo? What are you...
We're trying to get a picture.
A picture of what?
Of Judy King.
That's it?
- Just a picture? - Just a picture.
[indistinct conversations]
[Dwight] Chapman?
Wow, you look even worse than this morning.
Are you sure you don't want to go to medical?
No. This crash... it's bad.
I'm just processing a lot of stuff, you know?
Ooh, did you have diarrhea? You need to stay hydrated.
I want to say you're all doing a great job.
- Keep it up. - Bet you don't have that problem.
- [laughter] - Right.
You hear there's a time machine in laundry.
Oh, yeah, and there's a fountain of youth in the ghetto toilet.
[man] Yeah, blue helmets.
Any y'all want water?
You know, if that shit was true, I'd go back and see my dead mom,
tell her not to date the guy that killed her.
I'd go back and not end up in this fucking place.
Y'all ever think about like, going back and killing Hitler?
Maybe I'd go back, raise Hitler right, you know,
give him lots of love and encourage his artistic side,
try to be a good mom figure to him.
Maybe he'd have less anger issues.
I'd go back and tell him to seize to Suez Canal early on.
That would secure most of the Mediterranean,
giving the Third Reich easy access to oil.
Where would you go, back in time?
- Me? - Yeah.
Uhh, well, summer of '99,
I was supposed to see Judas Priest at Ralph Wilson Stadium,
but my friend, Champ Silvers, he challenged me to drink a dirty 30-pack
in the parking lot, of Coors Light, and I puked everywhere.
I never even got in to see Rob Halford on stage.
- Regrets, you know? - Yeah.
[Francine] I'm telling you, Lorna,
if I would have known Jack was gonna try something,
I would have locked the door.
Kid's got unusual sleep patterns.
I look up, the door's open, and there's Tommy.
And his eyes are going, "What?"
And he makes a noise. "Oh."
[laughs] Oh, my goodness.
And you and Jack... you just kept going?
Yeah. Basically.
I said "Tommy, go back to your room. Your mommy and daddy are making love."
[laughs] Well, I guess at that age, he doesn't know what that means.
I hardly know what it means at my age.
Jack and I are like ships in the night.
That's why I didn't stop when I saw the kid there.
Yeah, well, Vinny and I just had the honeymoon, so...
You know what Tommy said last week?
He says, "I'm never getting married."
I said, "Well, never's a long time."
He says, "I don't want some girl spending all my money."
He don't get that mouth from me.
Franny, I... I think Vinny's cheating on me.
Oh, Lorn. You don't know that.
From what you told me, he don't sound like the type.
He hasn't visited in weeks.
We barely even talk on the phone.
[Francine] Honey, you're letting your mind run away with you.
I'm sure it's nothing. You got to trust.
- I got to know - Then you got to ask.
But what if I don't believe him? I can't live with that.
That's marriage.
You think I don't wonder where Jack's been
when he comes home after 11:00 and says he's been bowling?
You get to see Jack every day.
Honey, will just go visit him for me?
What, like at his house?
Mm-hmm.
What good will that do? Lorna!
This is the kind of garbage that got you in here.
No. No.
He is family.
And I don't mean like that.
I... I mean... I mean, just get to know him a little.
- He's your brother, for Christ's sake. - Oh.
Please! I'm begging you.
You know I would do this for you. I would do this for you.
I just can't live thinking that he's using some other housewife's oven mitt.
All right.
[laughs] I'll go to his house.
Thank you so much. I love you, my sister.
[Francine] I love you.
[clears throat]
You got an appointment?
Uh, walk-in.
Is that okay?
That depends.
Take a seat.
That's a lot of hair.
Are we really playing Barbie styling head here?
I mean, you know, I got places to be, so...
Updo it is.
Oh, yeah. That's nice. You really know what you're doing, huh?
Fabulous.
Yeah.
I'm like a real Audrey Hepburn, huh?
Thank you.
Can you do that somewhere else?
You can paint nails anywhere.
Of course.
I finally find a job I'm good at,
and it turns out be a drug front.
I got two days left in this shithole.
I can't screw it up.
Then don't screw it up.
[scoffs]
[indistinct conversations]
How's everything looking here?
Oh, you meant this? [scoffs]
- She's totally fucking dead. - Oh, yeah?
I mean, you can't get her to start at all.
You want to give it a shot?
- Yeah. - All right.
- Whoa. - [groans] Here you go, man. Got it.
Well, first off, you needed to have it in neutral to restart it.
- Uh-huh. - [man] It looks like it just overheated.
- I see. - Yeah. Should work fine now.
So if it conks out, let it cool, put it in neutral, restart it.
Easy fix.
Huh.
Listen, um, if anyone should ask,
could you make it sound way more complicated than that?
[engine turns over]
Oh, man. I'm gonna be so fucking sore tomorrow.
I got to start exercising.
Did you see how fast that thing took dirt out of the hole?
- I know. - Like, whoosh.
Man, I feel like an autoworker in Detroit
- after the robots came. - Like, "Oh, shit.
I'm an autoworker and I'm out of a job",
or like, "Yay, the robots are here
to do this shitty, horrible autoworker work, thank God"?
Hmm.
Uh, why is she running at me like that?
Mmm, mmm, mmm!
[sputtering] What the fuck was that for?
- That was dope! - Did you get it? Let me see.
Damn, she tastes like strawberries.
Oh, yeah, come on. All right.
The second one is a winner, don't you think?
- Huh? What? - What do you think?
Interracial lesbian love behind bars, okay?
We are gonna hold out for the big bucks, you know?
Make the rags fight over it.
Right? You did so good.
My mama gonna see me kissing a white woman.
What?
I'm a mammal.
[sighs] But maybe you're right. I should shave this shit.
It's like my hormones are out of whack.
Where did you get that?
Commissary.
They haven't sold those since '92.
Tell me where it came from.
I got it in the salon on trade.
I was not aware the salon was back up and running.
Oh, yeah. Updo's, down do's.
We got any 'do you want to do.
Hmm. I can see Vidal Sassoon's got nothing on you.
Business is business.
Stop giving me the side-eye.
I know how it got there.
[indistinct conversations]
[sighs]
Life is so tough, you can't make it into your own bunk?
I don't feel good.
I heard that Alex told you how our garden grows.
If you say a word, I'll end you.
I would... never.
I just... I can't believe she did what she did.
It needed to be done.
She told me, and I didn't listen.
She was all on her own.
Maybe she was, but now she's not.
I've been helping her. So has Frieda.
She has friends. Maybe not you, but other people.
I should have been there for her.
You had other things on your mind. Being a panty kingpin took a lot of work.
If I had known, I would have done something.
Honey... what she did was morally defensible.
I think ultimately she will find comfort in that.
It was kill or be killed.
Maybe you should worry about the choices you've made a little more.
[crying] She's in pain.
We are all in pain.
I miss my mirror.
And you hurt your arm.
Hot plate accident?
Another tattoo?
Don't think I didn't hear you tossing and turning all night.
It's nothing.
Show me.
[crying]
Who did that to you?
Doesn't matter. It's done.
Well, you can't go around with that horror.
I probably deserve it.
We all need help.
[gasps]
- Shh. - [crying]
[man on P.A.] Prisoner 143, report to work detail.
Prisoner 762 for medical transfer.
Hey. Hey, there.
We got to stop running into each other like this.
Yeah, or you could, uh, just stop following me.
That, uh... that whole Judas Priest thing. That was a stupid joke.
Oh.
Truth be told, I'd probably go back to when we first met.
- Okay. - I would have treated you like a person...
not like a duck, or a thing.
And I... I...
I would have liked our first time, if we had gotten there,
to have been nice.
And I would have wanted to see your face
and to have told you what I told you about loving you, but softer.
[clears throat]
I wish I hadn't been so mad.
It wasn't fair what happened.
And... so, yeah, that's probably when I'd go back to.
And I'm still trying to figure out why it happened...
Why I did what I did.
I'm sorry, Doggett.
Thank you.
Thank you for saying that.
♪♪
The backhoe broke down within the first ten minutes.
Then it turned into a scene out of Cool Hand Luke
with inmates digging trenches in the sun.
I've never seen that movie.
I've let them all down.
Well, you didn't let me down.
Not now.
Why not?
[sighs] Because I'm upset.
Is that not obvious?
You know, the school had no chance.
Don't make me feel like I'm some kind of dream killer.
At least a new dorm will help with overcrowding.
That might help boost morale a little bit.
Okay. Good, then.
Morale... is... boosted. [giggles]
Or not boosted.
[knock on door] I'll get that.
Will you watch the sauce? Keep stirring?
- Who was it? - Oh, it was no one.
[doorbell rings]
I'll get it. I'll get it.
[knock on door]
[doorbell rings]
Who the hell is that?
It's no one. It's probably just a salesperson.
[Crystal] I hear you, Mr. Caputo.
And don't you even think
about turning that sprinkler back on me again.
Again? How many times has she been here?
Shh. Keep it down.
- What? - Keep it down. Keep it down.
- [scoffs] - [Crytal] I'm not going anywhere.
I know you're in there.
Who is that?
It's Crystal Burset.
Am I supposed to know who that is?
She's married to Sophia Burset,
the inmate you guys made me put in a four-by-four box.
The human being you won't allow me to release from inhumane captivity.
Why do you keep saying "You"?
It's not me. I'm Linda.
I'm here to eat pasta and spend the night.
Can you separate me from the corporation we both work for?
[sighs]
You're right.
I'm sorry.
It's been going on for too long, and it's starting to get to me.
Hey, hey.
You're not MCC.
[doorbell ringing]
Hello! I know you're in there, Mr. MCC.
All right. I'm calling the cops.
- Don't do that. - No, this is ridiculous.
She's harassing us.
I will handle it.
[scoffs]
Crystal, it's late.
MCC denied our request under the Freedom of Information Act.
I need to know what's going on.
Pasta. And I made a salad.
And we've been at work all day. So good night.
Everything okay over there?
Who the hell is that?
I have no idea. I told you I will handle this.
Please.
Go check on the sauce.
[sighs]
I need to know that she's okay.
I mean, I don't even know if she's alive.
MCC is hiding behind its private corporate status
and not complying with federal laws.
[sighs]
The lawsuit just goes on and on, and she's lost in there.
I assure you, she is alive and well.
Well, I need proof.
I need documentation.
I need records. I need a paper trail.
I'm entitled to that.
She's a federal prisoner.
What the fuck?
I got mugged once in Newark. Don't worry. It's registered.
- What the fuck? - No. No, no, no guns.
- Put the gun away. - This is a registered gun,
and you're trespassing on private property.
You've been asked to leave,
and I'm going to ask you one more time.
Please leave now.
- Get back in your car, sir. - Oh, Jesus.
You've got a gun on my girlfriend.
Well, if your girlfriend joins you in your car,
she'll be far away from the gun.
Okay?
[Caputo] Call the office next time.
We will talk on the phone.
[door closes]
[sighs]
That was so hot.
♪♪
[moaning]
Are we sure about this? I mean, that's still really tender.
We have to do it now or it won't match.
Yeah.
Let's do it.
Okay.
Hold her tight.
[muffled groans]
[sobbing]
[crying] I'm so sorry.
[sobbing]
I know. I know.
I'm so sorry.
- [crying] - [gasps]
When God gives you a swastika, he opens a window.
[sobs]
[sniffles]
And then you remember, there is no God.
[Hoagy Lands "Lighted Windows"]
♪ I looked in lighted windows ♪
♪ Hoping I'll see ♪
♪ One lighted window ♪
♪ All lit up for me ♪
♪ One night as I was walking ♪
♪ I looked up and saw ♪
♪ A light shining and I don't know why ♪
♪ But I walked I walked I walked to her door ♪
♪ I... ♪
♪ When I looked at lighted window ♪
♪ I know that I'll see ♪
♪ One lighted window ♪
♪ Somewhere there's one lit for you ♪
♪ Oh yeah... ♪
[song fades]