Well, I'm back from my stupid Soul Spin job,
and I'm about to go to my stupid diner job.
I hate it all, I have minimum wage rage.
Hey.
What are you sad about? You're making cupcakes.
Oh, did you eat the first batch?
No! Elliot and Alan's little foster daughter's coming today,
and I'm making her cupcakes, but all this talk
about a little girl without her mom,
it's making me miss mine.
Yeah, well, your mom was very sweet and...
- warm and chocolatey-- - Take one.
Sometimes I wish I could just pick up the phone and tell her that I love her.
You know what? I am gonna call her.
Who?
My mom.
Gabi... your mom passed away five years ago.
You know she's not gonna pick up.
Yeah, you're right.
I'm gonna text her.
Gabi.
I'm just gonna text "I love you" to her old number.
There, I did it. Done.
Do you feel better?
Well, I'd feel better if she responded.
- Should I look? - Yes!
No, I'm scared.
You look. No, no, I'll look. I'm looking.
"I love you too, whoever you are."
- Should I tell them who I are? - Yes.
Okay, okay, okay. Um, this is Gabi. Who are you?
Peter Gabe D'Angelo,
- who's Peter Gabe D'Angelo? - I don't know! I don't know!
Let's look him up.
Okay...
Uh, do you think this could be Peter Gabe D--
Yes, please!
He freelances for Rolling Stone and Spin!
Oh my god. Sofia,
Do you know what this means?
My mom is setting me up with my soul mate from heaven!
Okay, can you send her a text and see if she can find me
a decent full-time job that I feel passionate about?
Okay, fine, but when your mom dies, she totally owes me.
♪ She's in the spotlight ♪
♪ And she turned my head ♪
♪ She'd run a red light ♪
♪ 'Cause she's bad like that ♪
♪ I like that, ooh, baby, ooh, baby ♪
♪ Baby ♪
♪ I like that ooh, baby, ooh, baby ♪
I'm loving today.
Alan and Elliot's foster daughter gets here,
my mom set me up with my soul mate,
and I finally have a reason to shave above my knees.
Gabala, no offense but you're gonna have to watch the dirty talk
in front of our new little princess.
Yeah, she's only three. Gabi, that's this many!
I hope Keisha likes princesses.
You better hope she likes queens.
Wait a sec... Does that mean I have to watch my mouth too?
What about... drinking?
And the occasional tokedy-toke of a smokedy-smoke?
Relax. We're all here to support you and Keisha.
I can't wait to spoil her rotten the way my absent,
emotionally shut-down father never did for me.
Not that I'm holding a grudge.
And she's gonna love her godmother!
Oh, no! No, no, no!
Oh, yes! Get on the train.
We're gonna need all the help we can get, sweetie.
Keisha's black, Yolanda's black, black is the new orange,
and orange you glad we're getting a three-year-old,
and I'm freaking out!
She's here!
I'll get it... No, you get it. We should both get it.
Oh my god. I've never been this excited
to meet a girl in my life!
Open the door!
Hi, guys, this is Keisha.
Damn, this place is huge.
Come in, angel.
Bat Mitzvah-aged angel.
I'm Alan, and this is my husband, Elliot.
Please tell me those two are my foster parents,
and these are my funny, gay uncles.
She has go to back! She's a hundred!
There's obviously been some kind of mistake.
Why is there baby stuff everywhere?
Oh, I get it, you thought you were getting a little kid?
- No-o... - Yes!
Miss Higgs, maybe we should talk in the other room.
So, uh, are you hungry?
Yeah, Gabi can make you anything you want,
and remember, I pay her, so it's like I'm making you anything... you want!
So, what do you want for breakfast? How do you like your eggs?
In a "to go" box? I'm not gonna be here long.
What do you mean?
Those two are gonna be just like all of my other foster parents.
Why do you think they're in there talking to Miss Higgs?
Well, maybe they're in there thanking her for bringing them you, instead of some
sticky, whiny, germy three-year-old.
Aw, well look at you... all white and cute and hopeful.
Gabi, maybe Keisha's godmother should handle this.
Baby girl...
Don't "baby girl" me. I'm not your baby.
You might be. I made a lotta mistakes in 2003.
Okay! All right! I got this. Ladies?
How about a smart watch, tablet? How about some blue chip stock?
Stop trying to impress me.
There's no way queer eye and the fat guy are gonna keep me.
- We're not keeping her. - Elliot,
we can't just return her like she's an ugly cardigan from J. Crew.
I knew you hated that present!
Look. Miss Higgs, can I be honest with you?
We ordered a three-year-old!
Can I be honest with you?
A bi-racial middle-aged gay couple is not on every kid's wish list.
And no one's knocking down the door for 13-year-old Keisha.
I thought this would be a perfect match.
- Nobody wanted Keisha? - Don't go soft, Alan.
Miss Higgs, do you mind giving us a moment to discuss?
You can wait right out here on the lovely terrace.
I don't have all day, I have other couples to disappoint.
We're not keeping her!
Did you not hear what Miss Higgs just said?
Nobody wants Keisha.
Of course not! She's old and homophobic.
If we wanted that, we'd take in my grandma.
Sweetie, I understand you're in shock.
We didn't get the three-year-old we wanted.
I didn't even want the three-year-old!
What?
I was going along with it for you.
I wanna spend my life with you!
Go on romantic cruises... with you.
Get plastic surgeries to look younger... with you!
And I wanna do all those things with you!
But I also wanna be a father and have a family.
Come on. We can be the parents we always wanted.
Open, accepting, theater-camp friendly.
Please, Elliot?
One week! We'll try it for one week!
- But if she does anything-- - She won't! We're havin' a baby!
A 13-year-old baby!
- Ta-da! - What do you think?
It looks like Tinker Bell threw up in here.
I thought you people were supposed to have good taste?
"You people"?
We can redecorate!
We're gay, Jewish and Asian. It'll be stylish, cheap, and Feng Shui-ed.
Okay, time for bed.
Elliot, wait. We need to get to know each other.
Keisha, I want you to feel comfortable.
So if there's anything you need or wanna ask us, go right ahead.
Where's the TV?
Oh, uh, we didn't put a TV in your room.
But Alan got you one of these things
where you pull the lever and it makes the animal noises?
Ba-a-a-a-a!
But... I can't sleep without a TV.
Of course you can't.
She can't sleep without a TV.
You know what, honey? You can take our room tonight.
There's a TV in there.
What? What?
We'll just lock the second drawer.
It's the final night of The Bachelorette
and I wanna know who gets the final rose.
That's what a DVR is for.
But you have to watch the finale live,
or everybody will know everything before me,
and I won't get to see the drama unfold.
It's okay. I don't need a TV. I'll just cry myself to sleep.
Oh, she's good.
Okay. I know this is a little uncomfortable,
but being a parent is all about sacrifice.
Trust me, it'll be the most rewarding thing we've ever done.
Oh my god! She picked the ex-con who works at the pre-school!
Good morning.
Hey! Just in time for breakfast.
Good, I'm starving. All they gave me to eat was an onion-flavored donut.
It was a bagel!
Keisha... why don't you go eat your breakfast out on the terrace?
So you can talk about me?
- No... - Your dude wife said we were supposed to be
honest with each other.
Fine, go outside so I can talk about you.
Last night was a nightmare.
Alan and I were up till four in the morning fighting about Keisha!
Why, what happened?
She took our bedroom and our TV, and we had to sleep in the princess bed.
If the shoe fits...
Get ready to learn from the master!
I raised three kids. And two of 'em still talk to me.
Can I have some bacon?
Oh, of course, baby!
And then maybe later we can go to a movie,
and get some Chinese food, and ooh...
and then we can knock on the door
of one of my exes, and you can scare the crap out of him
by saying, "Hey, Daddy."
- Pass. - What the hell?
Hey-y, Keisha!
Look what your super cool Uncle Joshy got you.
Your very own 3D printer, where you can print any gift you want!
The only limit...
is your imagination.
Pass.
See? She's impossible.
Honesty.
You're impossible!
Guys, she's not impossible, she's a teenager.
If you want her to have fun, just do something she likes.
Take her to mall and go shopping.
Now that's what I'm talking about. Can I kick it with you?
Yes! Kick it with her!
Josh, is it okay if I take Keisha to the mall?
Is it? I'll tell you what.
Why don't you take my platinum card,
and get Keisha a nice jacket that'll keep her warm on her...
hot air balloon ride!
Pass.
I'm telling you, every dress you tried on looked poppin'.
I think I love you.
Well, it's probably 'cause you have such a bangin' body.
Yeah, I know I love you.
You're the only one who does.
Oh, come on, Keisha.
Josh likes you. Yolanda likes you.
Alan likes you.
- Elliot-- - Doesn't.
Yeah, but Elliot doesn't like anybody at first.
When he first met me, he hated me.
But now...
Well, this story's going nowhere.
Look, I get it. I'm 13, annoying, and I got a big mouth.
Everyone says so.
Yeah, but that's how teenagers are supposed to be.
Hey, when I was your age, I was a total nightmare.
- Yeah, right. - No, I was.
I cheated on tests, I snuck out to see boys,
I had a fake I.D.
What'd you do, use it to buy booze?
No, I actually just wanted to go to this dance club in Tampa,
but you had to be 18 to get in, so...
I went to a smoke shop, and boom. Zora Martinez, nineteen, Scorpio.
Well, you gotta know your sign, 'cause bouncers are gonna ask.
And they didn't ask about the "Martinez"?
They did and that's how I got busted.
I got grounded for two weeks. But my mom understood.
She even showed me her fake I.D. from when she was my age.
She was cool like that.
You two still close?
Well, she passed away.
That sucks.
My mom's dead too.
Oh, Keisha, I'm sorry. Do you still talk to her?
I just said she's dead.
I know, but that doesn't mean you can't talk to her.
I talk to my mom all the time.
Really?
Yeah, hey, let's just say if it wasn't for her,
I would not be going out with this guy.
- Check him out. - Oh, I'm gonna check out every inch of his--
personality.
Hey! How's the pizza?
Stale and unfulfilling... like my career.
Okay, well, have fun.
I am off on my date with a hot, supercool music journalist.
I can't believe you get to go backstage and meet Drake!
Mm-hmm, well hey, listen, if it makes you feel any better,
it's not for fun, you know? It's his job. He has to write a review.
I just get to go with him!
Hi! Wow, guy who has my mom's old number, you're real and you're cute.
Hey, I'm Sofia.
I really liked your article on the breakup of Journey.
"Do Stop Believing," thank you.
Gabi, we gotta get going.
Oh, right, you gotta get there early so you can take notes
and really capture the moment?
No, I ate a special brownie and it is about to kick in.
You two have fun at the concert. I'm so glad good things keep happening to you.
Oh, hang on one second.
Oh, it's my co-worker. He's probably just calling to thank me,
I spent the day with his foster daughter, we totally bonded and,
kind of her mentor. You're welcome, Elliot.
What? When?
Okay, I'm on my way. Keisha ran away, I gotta go.
Oh my god...
Yeah, listen, Peter, I'm really sorry. I was really looking forward
to tonight, but I gotta get going.
Gabi, is there anything I can do?
Um... actually, yeah! Will you go to the concert with my soul mate?
I don't want him to like, meet anybody 'cause he's my soul mate.
No pressure.
Can't believe she ran away.
We're the worst parents ever.
Guys, don't blame yourselves.
I don't. I blame her.
What? Me? What did I do?
You were the last person to spend time with Keisha.
What did you say to her to make her run away?
Nothing, we just went to the mall, and then we went to the diner
for milkshakes.
What kind?
What? Every detail could be a clue.
Think, Gabala, think. Did she say anything
that might suggest she'd run away?
Spit it out, bitch! Everybody knows the first few hours
are the most important!
I mean, we just talked about girl stuff, you know,
like clothes and music and how both our moms are dead.
Keisha's mom's not dead.
- What? But she told me her mom-- - Keisha's mom's
been in a prison upstate for the last three years.
It was in her file.
But why would she lie?
Would you wanna tell someone your mom was in the big house?
My kids didn't.
Oh my god, you know what? I told her that I do everything I can
to stay connected with my mom. Do you think she went to to visit her in prison?
How? She doesn't have money.
Actually...
she may have $500.
Joshua, you didn't!
I wanted her to like me! All my presents were tanking.
Okay, everybody slow your damn roll.
Now, a kid just can't go visit a prison.
They have to be with an adult or be 18.
Actually...
I may have told her you can buy a fake I.D. at a smoke shop.
Gabala, you didn't.
Gabala did.
Okay, here's the plan.
Yolanda, you're gonna stay here in case she comes back,
the rest of us will divide up, we'll hit every smoke shop in the area.
We'll meet at the diner in an hour.
Okay.
Uch... looks like Tinker Bell threw up in here.
Okay, so I know your article is due in two hours,
and you were nice enough to introduce me to Drake,
so I'm gonna brew you a fresh pot of coffee
so you can start your article--
Peter?
Peter!
Hey!
Peter...
Type!
Okay, how about this? Uh, you dictate and I will type.
The cloud was maglical...
Do you mean the crowd was magical?
Good. You're good.
The music was--
Peter. Peter!
Hey! You gotta wake up and write this review.
I don't wanna. You do it.
But I-I'm not a writer.
Pwe-e-ease?
I really need this job. I'm in so much debt.
Rehab is so expensive.
Okay. Well, won't be the first time a guy passes out on me
and I have to do all the work.
We've been to eight smoke shops and still no Keisha.
Alan, what are we gonna do?
We're gonna ditch these patchouli-soaked jackets and soldier on!
You look up the bus lines, I'm gonna find the number for the prison.
Any word from Gabi and Josh?
They're on their way here, but they haven't found her, either.
Nothing for me. I'm too upset.
Me neither, I can't eat at a time like this. Two root beer floats.
How could I have trusted our daughter with Gabi. I'll tell you how!
I wasn't thinking! And now look what--
You said "our daughter."
No, I didn't.
Yes, you did. You called Keisha our daughter.
You like her.
Like her? I've got such a knot in my stomach,
I can barely eat. I can't breathe. She's killing me!
It's called worry, Elliot.
This is exactly why I wanted to bring a child into our lives.
They make everything better even when they worry you sick.
Well, I don't like it. If anything happens to her--
Get a grip, you two. I'm fine. I'm right here!
- Oh my god-- - What are you doing here?
I was just here waiting for the bus so I could see my mom.
- Are you okay? - Yeah, while I was waiting
I bought a bunch of scratchers with Josh's cash.
I was doing them in the corner.
We have to get her stomach pumped!
Those are lottery tickets!
Oh, thank god.
You had us worried sick. You can't just go running off like that.
Yeah, well, I didn't think you cared.
Neither did I.
I didn't think you wanted me around.
Neither did I!
But he does, and so do I!
And listen, sweetie, if you wanna go see your mom, we'll take you.
Seriously?
Yeah. So hand over that fake I.D.
What fake-- Fine!
Beyoncé Rihanna?
Look, I'm sorry I made it seem like I didn't want you around.
It's just...
I've never had a daughter before.
Yeah, well, I've never had two dads before.
Aw, she called us "dads"!
No, I didn't.
Yes, you did.
You like us. And you wanna hug us.
Whatever.
That means yes!
- I couldn't find her. - Me neither.
Oh my god. There she is.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
It looks like they have it under control.
Look at them! Finally coming together as a family.
Yeah, and you know, none of this would've happened
if I hadn't told her about my mom,
and told her where to get a fake I.D.
Hey! Don't forget I'm the one that gave her all that cash!
We're gonna be great parents.
Yeah, we are.
Hey. I'd like to pay for everything they're having.
And be sure to let the kid know, it's from Uncle Joshy.
So you ever been in a hot air balloon?
Pass.
Hi.
Whoo, flowers. Who are they from?
- Peter. - Don't want 'em.
After you told me how he acted that night,
the only person I want drunkenly passing out on the couch is Yolanda.
Actually, these are for me for me for writing that review for him.
Aw, well, he should have sent a maid for what he did to our bathroom.
Oh my god. Gabi...
his editor thought the article was so good,
Peter got me a gig! I'm writing an article for an indie music blog!
Here are the tickets! I can't believe it!
Now I'm the cool music journalist!
That's so great, look at you, with your words!
I know! And I had so much fun writing that review.
And turns out... I'm really good at it!
Sofia, maybe this is your thing!
- Oh my god! I have a thing! - You have a thing!
- I have a thing! - You're a writer!
Aah! Who knew?
My mom!
You know what, Gabi?
Maybe your mom wasn't leading you to your soul mate.
Maybe she was leading me to my passion.
Ohh... that's so sweet.
Still single down here, Mom!