1 00:00:00,066 --> 00:00:00,866 [knock at door] 2 00:00:00,867 --> 00:00:05,866 - You wanted to see me, Mr. Downey? - Yes, Wayne. Have a seat. 3 00:00:07,866 --> 00:00:09,865 As you know, we recently had a specialist come in 4 00:00:09,866 --> 00:00:11,865 and install some software that monitors 5 00:00:11,866 --> 00:00:13,865 what people are using the company Internet for, 6 00:00:13,866 --> 00:00:16,865 - you know, keeping track of work flow... - Oh, yes. 7 00:00:16,866 --> 00:00:18,865 - Of productivity. - I'm tracking. 8 00:00:18,866 --> 00:00:22,366 So you want to tell me why you're using the company 9 00:00:22,367 --> 00:00:25,866 Internet to post on Craigslist as "HornyThriftyDad"? 10 00:00:26,866 --> 00:00:30,866 Well... [clears throat] First off, I'm a dad. 11 00:00:31,866 --> 00:00:33,865 [techno music] 12 00:00:34,366 --> 00:00:37,365 2x12 - How the Sausage is Made 13 00:00:37,866 --> 00:00:40,865 sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~ 14 00:00:40,866 --> 00:00:42,865 [girls giggling] 15 00:00:42,986 --> 00:00:45,985 Ugh, come on! I can't believe this. 16 00:00:45,986 --> 00:00:47,985 There's, like, a hundred dudes working here 17 00:00:47,986 --> 00:00:50,985 and only two toilets. That's insane, right? 18 00:00:50,986 --> 00:00:53,985 - It... that... this is insane. - Goddamn lunchtime rush. 19 00:00:53,986 --> 00:00:55,985 I got to take my hot two at 3:00, man. 20 00:00:55,986 --> 00:00:56,985 This ain't negotiable. 21 00:00:56,986 --> 00:00:58,985 Train is coming down the track, man. 22 00:00:58,986 --> 00:01:02,985 - [phone rings] Hello, TripTank. - Yes, hi, TripTank. 23 00:01:02,986 --> 00:01:05,985 Confession time. I've been impersonating a rabbi 24 00:01:05,986 --> 00:01:07,985 because I thought it would help me pick up chicks. 25 00:01:07,986 --> 00:01:08,985 Well, that sounds like a terrible idea. 26 00:01:08,986 --> 00:01:11,985 Right, and now I'm at this thing called a bris, 27 00:01:11,986 --> 00:01:14,985 and I'm starting to panic a little bit, 28 00:01:14,986 --> 00:01:16,985 because I thought I was coming to eat lunch or something. 29 00:01:16,986 --> 00:01:19,985 I guess I got it confused with brisket, but they are not related at all. 30 00:01:19,986 --> 00:01:20,985 - Nope, not even close. - Yeah. 31 00:01:20,986 --> 00:01:22,985 So now they're asking me to cut off the tip 32 00:01:22,986 --> 00:01:25,985 of this kid's penis, I guess, and I have a feeling 33 00:01:25,986 --> 00:01:28,985 this could go sideways pretty quick. So I was wondering if maybe 34 00:01:28,986 --> 00:01:30,985 you could walk me through how to do it, please. 35 00:01:30,986 --> 00:01:31,985 Ah, no problem. That's an easy one. 36 00:01:31,986 --> 00:01:33,986 Let me transfer you. 37 00:01:34,986 --> 00:01:35,986 [bell dings] 38 00:01:37,986 --> 00:01:40,986 Good morning. Nice to see you. 39 00:01:42,986 --> 00:01:45,985 - Good morning, Doctor. - Same to you, Nancy. 40 00:01:45,986 --> 00:01:48,985 - How's the family? - Thanks for asking. They're great. 41 00:01:48,986 --> 00:01:51,985 All right, let's see who's up first here. 42 00:01:51,986 --> 00:01:55,985 - Oh, my. Well, I'd better get into it. - Good luck, sir. 43 00:01:55,986 --> 00:01:57,985 [vase shatters] 44 00:01:57,986 --> 00:01:59,986 - [chuckles] Excuse me. - Ah, I'll clean it up. 45 00:02:02,986 --> 00:02:06,985 - Acute renal failure. - Is it serious, Doc? 46 00:02:06,986 --> 00:02:09,985 I thought we agreed you'd stay off the caffeine, Bob. 47 00:02:09,986 --> 00:02:11,985 I need my coffee in the mornings. 48 00:02:11,986 --> 00:02:14,764 Well, I'm afraid you have kidney disease, and it's 49 00:02:14,799 --> 00:02:17,985 - pretty far along. - Oh, God. 50 00:02:17,986 --> 00:02:19,985 What am I gonna tell Martha? 51 00:02:19,986 --> 00:02:22,985 You tell Martha the truth. I'm not gonna sugarcoat it, Bob. 52 00:02:22,986 --> 00:02:25,985 This is a serious operation with a 50-50 survival rate, 53 00:02:25,986 --> 00:02:28,985 but I'm the best in the game, 54 00:02:28,986 --> 00:02:33,985 - and I'm gonna give it all I've got. - [sniffles] Thanks, Doc. 55 00:02:33,986 --> 00:02:35,985 - Sorry about that. - No biggie. 56 00:02:35,986 --> 00:02:40,985 [heart rate monitor beeps] [indistinct conversations] 57 00:02:40,986 --> 00:02:43,269 Oh, hello there. Time for "Versus." 58 00:02:43,986 --> 00:02:46,985 [heavy metal music] 59 00:02:58,986 --> 00:03:01,985 [heart monitor beeps] 60 00:03:01,986 --> 00:03:04,985 [orchestra tuning up] 61 00:03:15,986 --> 00:03:18,985 [heavy metal music] [shrieking] 62 00:03:26,986 --> 00:03:27,986 [all gasp] 63 00:03:29,986 --> 00:03:32,985 [heart rate monitor beeping] 64 00:03:32,986 --> 00:03:37,985 Oh, Doctor, thank you. How can we ever repay you? 65 00:03:37,986 --> 00:03:40,985 Saving lives is my reward. 66 00:03:40,986 --> 00:03:45,985 - Pardon me. - No pardons necessary, Doctor. 67 00:03:45,986 --> 00:03:49,985 Winner: hard work and the right tools. 68 00:03:49,986 --> 00:03:51,985 There goes my hero. 69 00:03:51,986 --> 00:03:54,985 [techno music] 70 00:03:57,986 --> 00:04:00,985 [trombone plays wacky tune] 71 00:04:03,986 --> 00:04:06,985 Another Chummy Mary, Joe, and make it spicy this time. 72 00:04:06,986 --> 00:04:07,985 Oh, my God! 73 00:04:07,986 --> 00:04:10,985 A Bloody Mary with Chamato? So disgusting! 74 00:04:10,986 --> 00:04:13,985 Hey, Joe, true or false? Chamato's all the slop those guys empty 75 00:04:13,986 --> 00:04:16,985 out of their boots from "Deadliest Catch" or something, right? 76 00:04:16,986 --> 00:04:18,985 - Pretty sure that's false. - Now look at Andrew and I, 77 00:04:18,986 --> 00:04:22,485 perfectly tasty and appropriate drinks that reflect our 78 00:04:22,486 --> 00:04:25,985 personalities and individual senses of style and taste. 79 00:04:25,986 --> 00:04:28,985 So you're fruity? [all laugh] 80 00:04:28,986 --> 00:04:30,985 I am exotic and mysterious! 81 00:04:30,986 --> 00:04:34,985 Little subtle nuances of flavor! My sophisticated tastes 82 00:04:34,986 --> 00:04:37,985 are so far above what you could possibly imagine that... 83 00:04:37,986 --> 00:04:40,985 [speaks gibberish] 84 00:04:40,986 --> 00:04:42,985 All right, simmer down, chicken boy. 85 00:04:42,986 --> 00:04:45,985 - Don't make a maniac out of me. - You hungry? I'm going for a burger. 86 00:04:45,986 --> 00:04:48,985 - Whoo! You know it. - See you later, guys. 87 00:04:48,986 --> 00:04:53,985 Whoa, what is this about? Don't worry, I got this. 88 00:04:53,986 --> 00:04:55,985 So why isn't Andrew invited to get burgers? 89 00:04:55,986 --> 00:04:56,985 Let me guess. 90 00:04:56,986 --> 00:05:00,985 You don't want to be seen hanging out in public with a gay guy? 91 00:05:00,986 --> 00:05:03,985 What the hell are you on about? I'm in public with him now! 92 00:05:03,986 --> 00:05:06,985 Jerk Chicken, you know I've never really come out. 93 00:05:06,986 --> 00:05:07,985 Some people don't need to. 94 00:05:07,986 --> 00:05:09,985 Trust me when I tell you it ain't a secret. 95 00:05:09,986 --> 00:05:12,985 - I'm still figuring it out. - Figuring what out? 96 00:05:12,986 --> 00:05:16,985 That hair plus those clothes equals you are gay as a tangerine, man. 97 00:05:16,986 --> 00:05:19,985 I'm talking Judy Garland making out with Liberace! 98 00:05:19,986 --> 00:05:21,985 Gay as a... as a super gay guy! 99 00:05:21,986 --> 00:05:23,985 Hey, Joe. You know Andrew's gay, right? 100 00:05:23,986 --> 00:05:25,863 Cool. My nephew's gay. 101 00:05:25,898 --> 00:05:26,985 - You want his number? - No! 102 00:05:26,986 --> 00:05:28,985 - He's an underwear model. - Uh... 103 00:05:28,986 --> 00:05:32,985 See? Joe's perfectly fine with Andrew's alternative sexuality, 104 00:05:32,986 --> 00:05:36,985 and these people are clearly no strangers to sodomy and perversion. 105 00:05:36,986 --> 00:05:40,985 So what happens to be your special problem with our queer friend here? 106 00:05:40,986 --> 00:05:43,985 Dude, Andrew doesn't want to go 'cause he's a vegetarian. 107 00:05:43,986 --> 00:05:45,985 He doesn't eat meat! 108 00:05:45,986 --> 00:05:46,985 [snickering] 109 00:05:46,986 --> 00:05:50,985 Mmm! That's not what I heard, am I right? 110 00:05:50,986 --> 00:05:52,985 I bet he can inhale a kielbasa without choking. 111 00:05:52,986 --> 00:05:54,985 - You know what I mean, lady? - That's inappropriate! 112 00:05:54,986 --> 00:05:57,985 Okay, calm down, Susie. You know I'm just kidding. 113 00:05:57,986 --> 00:05:59,985 Hey, you want us to bring you something back? 114 00:05:59,986 --> 00:06:00,985 - What do you guys eat? - Gay people eat... 115 00:06:00,986 --> 00:06:02,985 Don't worry. I'll get you something. 116 00:06:02,986 --> 00:06:04,985 He's here! He's queer! 117 00:06:04,986 --> 00:06:07,985 - Get used to it, people! - Oh! 118 00:06:07,986 --> 00:06:10,985 He means well. [laughs nervously] 119 00:06:10,986 --> 00:06:11,985 No, he doesn't. 120 00:06:11,986 --> 00:06:13,585 [trombone plays wacky tune] 121 00:06:15,126 --> 00:06:17,125 We haven't moved in, like, ten minutes, man. 122 00:06:17,126 --> 00:06:20,125 - I'm touching cotton over here. - I might poop my pants. 123 00:06:20,126 --> 00:06:21,125 I'm honestly... I'm honestly starting to worry. 124 00:06:21,126 --> 00:06:24,125 This grumper wants to get out and take a look at the world now. 125 00:06:24,126 --> 00:06:26,125 - Ohh! - I say we use the ladies' room, man. 126 00:06:26,126 --> 00:06:28,125 I bet it's real nice in there. 127 00:06:28,126 --> 00:06:30,125 Candelabras, travertine, and shit. 128 00:06:30,126 --> 00:06:32,125 No, dude, we can't just walk in there. 129 00:06:32,126 --> 00:06:33,125 Oh, look, there's Ashley. 130 00:06:33,126 --> 00:06:36,125 - Hey, Ashley, come over here. - What's going on here? 131 00:06:36,126 --> 00:06:38,125 Police lineup at the Special Victims Unit? 132 00:06:38,126 --> 00:06:40,125 Very funny, Ashley. We need to get 133 00:06:40,126 --> 00:06:42,125 in that ladies' room toot sweet, man. 134 00:06:42,126 --> 00:06:44,125 - Ew! No. - Come on, Ashley. 135 00:06:44,126 --> 00:06:46,125 - It's an emergency. - Let me guess. 136 00:06:46,126 --> 00:06:49,125 - Prune cobbler in the cafeteria? - Oh, I went back for thirds. 137 00:06:49,126 --> 00:06:50,125 Just let us in that damn bathroom. 138 00:06:50,126 --> 00:06:52,125 Hell, no. You guys don't want to go in there, it's terrible. 139 00:06:52,126 --> 00:06:56,125 - It's the worst bathroom I've ever seen. - Oh, come on. Don't be like that. 140 00:06:56,126 --> 00:06:59,125 I'm dead serious, guys. It's like a portal to hell in there. 141 00:06:59,126 --> 00:07:01,125 - You don't want any part of it. - Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. 142 00:07:01,126 --> 00:07:02,125 I'm having a contraction. 143 00:07:02,126 --> 00:07:05,125 Don't talk for a second. [inhales and exhales] 144 00:07:05,126 --> 00:07:07,125 Hey, Steve. [whispers] Prune cobbler. 145 00:07:07,126 --> 00:07:10,125 [groans] See you later, boys. Good luck. 146 00:07:10,126 --> 00:07:12,125 All right, Ashley, you can do this. 147 00:07:12,126 --> 00:07:14,126 Here we go. 148 00:07:17,126 --> 00:07:20,125 [techno music] 149 00:07:21,349 --> 00:07:26,284 [music] [both panting] 150 00:07:26,285 --> 00:07:29,284 You're not gonna bite my head off now, are you? 151 00:07:29,285 --> 00:07:30,284 [high voice] Oh, no. 152 00:07:30,285 --> 00:07:32,285 [deep voice] Only the females do that. 153 00:07:34,285 --> 00:07:36,284 [techno music] 154 00:07:38,285 --> 00:07:41,284 "If you've found this letter, consider yourself very lucky." 155 00:07:41,285 --> 00:07:43,284 - Hmm. - "After years of testing, 156 00:07:43,285 --> 00:07:46,284 "I finally figured out how to send a carbon life force back in time." 157 00:07:46,285 --> 00:07:48,284 - Interesting. - "Read carefully, "and prepare ahead of time. 158 00:07:48,285 --> 00:07:50,284 "Get all the props and items listed here 159 00:07:50,285 --> 00:07:51,284 - before you attempt." - Okay. 160 00:07:51,285 --> 00:07:53,284 "You will need a portable rolling chalkboard, 161 00:07:53,285 --> 00:07:54,284 - 1-inch piece of red chalk..." - Got it. 162 00:07:54,285 --> 00:07:55,284 - "A six-pack of Ginger Ale..." - Check. 163 00:07:55,285 --> 00:07:57,284 - "A knife..." - Got it. 164 00:07:57,285 --> 00:07:58,284 "And one retired magician's white rabbit." 165 00:07:58,285 --> 00:07:59,284 - Got it. - "Now, onto the list. 166 00:07:59,285 --> 00:08:01,284 "One: the calendar must read 167 00:08:01,285 --> 00:08:03,284 - November 22nd." - Mm-hmm. 168 00:08:03,285 --> 00:08:05,618 - "It must be 4:30 A.M. or P.M." - Check. 169 00:08:05,619 --> 00:08:08,284 "The sky must be littered with cumulus nimbus clouds." 170 00:08:08,285 --> 00:08:09,284 - Yep. - "There mustn't be 171 00:08:09,285 --> 00:08:11,284 "any goldfish within a mile radius of your location. 172 00:08:11,285 --> 00:08:14,284 - "One crisp $2 bill must be in your wallet." - Check. 173 00:08:14,285 --> 00:08:16,284 "Your license must be expired." 174 00:08:16,285 --> 00:08:17,285 - Check. - "Your right thumb must be painted red..." 175 00:08:17,469 --> 00:08:19,284 - Hmm. Hmm. - "The left, black. "Also, you must have thumbs. 176 00:08:19,285 --> 00:08:20,284 "An annoying car alarm must be going off 177 00:08:20,285 --> 00:08:22,284 - somewhere in the vicinity." - Check. 178 00:08:22,285 --> 00:08:25,284 "A poster of the original 'Tron' "must be taped to the wall facing you. 179 00:08:25,285 --> 00:08:26,829 "Brush your teeth with a boar head's bristle. 180 00:08:26,864 --> 00:08:29,284 "One Smurf figurine must be in your pocket. 181 00:08:29,285 --> 00:08:31,618 - Any Smurf will do. I used Brainy." - Got it. 182 00:08:31,619 --> 00:08:33,284 "Batteries should be removed "from all smoke alarms. 183 00:08:33,285 --> 00:08:36,284 "A copy of 'Time' magazine should be in the room anywhere." 184 00:08:36,285 --> 00:08:37,284 - Check. - "Eat a banana and its peel. 185 00:08:37,285 --> 00:08:39,284 "Take a piss. Turn on an oscillating fan. 186 00:08:39,285 --> 00:08:43,284 "Turn off an oscillating fan. "Take any or all eyeglasses, 187 00:08:43,285 --> 00:08:45,284 "place them in a pink scarf, and smash them. 188 00:08:45,285 --> 00:08:47,284 - Say the name 'Gilda Radner' backwards." - Rendar Adlig. 189 00:08:47,285 --> 00:08:49,284 "Drink half the six-pack of Ginger Ale. 190 00:08:49,285 --> 00:08:52,284 Sing the song 'Back in Time' by Huey Lewis but in French." 191 00:08:52,285 --> 00:08:54,284 ♪ Remonter dans le temps ♪ 192 00:08:54,285 --> 00:08:57,284 "Do one push-up. "Call someone you know, burp, 193 00:08:57,285 --> 00:08:59,284 "then hang up and disconnect your phone immediately. 194 00:08:59,285 --> 00:09:02,284 "Say, 'Picasso was a Spaniard!' but with an Australian accent." 195 00:09:02,285 --> 00:09:04,284 [Australian accent] Picasso was a Spaniard. 196 00:09:04,285 --> 00:09:06,284 "Laugh maniacally for three seconds exactly." 197 00:09:06,285 --> 00:09:09,284 [laughs maniacally] "Now take the red piece of chalk 198 00:09:09,285 --> 00:09:10,284 "and write on the chalkboard 199 00:09:10,285 --> 00:09:12,284 "the month, day, and year that you were born. 200 00:09:12,285 --> 00:09:14,284 "Below that date, write today's date. 201 00:09:14,285 --> 00:09:16,284 "Below that date, write the day, month, and year 202 00:09:16,285 --> 00:09:17,284 - "that you'd like to travel back to. - Mmm. 203 00:09:17,285 --> 00:09:18,284 "You should not write any year 204 00:09:18,285 --> 00:09:21,284 "before you were born or the time travel will not work. 205 00:09:21,285 --> 00:09:22,284 "You can only travel back in time 206 00:09:22,285 --> 00:09:24,284 "to the years that you've already experienced. 207 00:09:24,285 --> 00:09:26,284 "Take the Ambien. Insert it up your ass. 208 00:09:26,285 --> 00:09:28,284 "Pick up the rabbit by the ears. 209 00:09:28,285 --> 00:09:30,284 "Pick up the knife. Slice the rabbit's neck. 210 00:09:30,285 --> 00:09:31,284 "Pocket the list and close your eyes. 211 00:09:31,285 --> 00:09:33,284 "Smile, you're about to travel back in time 212 00:09:33,285 --> 00:09:35,284 "to the date you wrote on the chalkboard. 213 00:09:35,285 --> 00:09:37,284 Warning: you will not be able to get back." 214 00:09:37,285 --> 00:09:38,907 What? [zap] 215 00:09:40,115 --> 00:09:41,114 [phone ringing] 216 00:09:41,115 --> 00:09:44,114 Hello, PoopTank... I mean TripTank... how can I help you? 217 00:09:44,115 --> 00:09:46,114 Hey, TripTank, remember me? 218 00:09:46,115 --> 00:09:50,114 It's Weasely Pete [chuckles] from the golden age of animation. 219 00:09:50,115 --> 00:09:53,114 - Oh, yeah, I think I remember you. - Look, I'm just calling to put 220 00:09:53,115 --> 00:09:54,114 my hat in the ring for a job. 221 00:09:54,115 --> 00:09:57,114 Wait, weren't you in those really racist cartoons? 222 00:09:57,115 --> 00:10:00,114 "Weasely Pete Jabs the Japs"? That was written for me. 223 00:10:00,115 --> 00:10:02,114 I didn't... I didn't come up with that. I'm not... I'm not a writer. 224 00:10:02,115 --> 00:10:04,114 Yeah, that's not the one I was thinking about. 225 00:10:04,115 --> 00:10:07,114 - "Weasely Pete and 3/5 of a Pal?" - Yep, that's it. 226 00:10:07,115 --> 00:10:08,114 I had... I had no problem with that guy. 227 00:10:08,115 --> 00:10:11,114 You know, we got along great on the set. He was in my wedding. 228 00:10:11,115 --> 00:10:15,114 - That doesn't make it okay. - "Weasely Pete and the Women Drivers." 229 00:10:15,115 --> 00:10:17,114 All right, that one was me, but I stand by it. 230 00:10:17,115 --> 00:10:19,114 - That one still holds up. - Please don't call back. 231 00:10:19,115 --> 00:10:21,614 Oh, thanks for saving my place, man. I can't believe 232 00:10:21,615 --> 00:10:24,114 you didn't want anything from the turkey leg cart. 233 00:10:24,115 --> 00:10:27,114 - Eh, everything's so expensive. - That's why I keep telling you, man. 234 00:10:27,115 --> 00:10:29,114 You got to get yourself a Preferred Pooper Pass. 235 00:10:29,115 --> 00:10:32,114 15% off all concessions and merchandise. 236 00:10:32,115 --> 00:10:34,114 Yeah, but, you know, there's so many blackout dates. 237 00:10:34,115 --> 00:10:35,814 It's not really worth it. 238 00:10:35,945 --> 00:10:36,944 Hey, what are you staring at? 239 00:10:36,945 --> 00:10:38,944 What's the matter? You never seen a gay guy before? 240 00:10:38,945 --> 00:10:42,944 Welcome to the 21st century, you Philistines! 241 00:10:42,945 --> 00:10:44,944 Hey, you want me to play you something on the jukebox? 242 00:10:44,945 --> 00:10:46,944 - Show tunes, ABBA, or something? - No! 243 00:10:46,945 --> 00:10:48,944 What are you guys into, Barbara Streisand? 244 00:10:48,945 --> 00:10:50,944 Asshole. [trombone plays wacky tune] 245 00:10:51,590 --> 00:10:53,895 [techno music] 246 00:10:58,945 --> 00:11:00,944 Two burgers and two fries. [slurps] 247 00:11:00,945 --> 00:11:03,944 Thanks for choosing Burger Burger. 248 00:11:03,945 --> 00:11:05,944 Oh, hey, Trent, [chuckles] how was the game? 249 00:11:05,945 --> 00:11:07,944 Did you throw like 600 touchdowns? 250 00:11:07,945 --> 00:11:08,944 [giggles] 251 00:11:08,945 --> 00:11:14,944 - Uh, yeah. Do I know you? - Oh, Trent, you regular huckster. 252 00:11:14,945 --> 00:11:16,944 We only have every other class together. 253 00:11:16,945 --> 00:11:21,944 Remember that time in Social Justice when we both reached for that pencil 254 00:11:21,945 --> 00:11:25,944 and we touched hands and then something happened with my body? 255 00:11:25,945 --> 00:11:28,944 Excuse me, I'm trying to order, troll. I want a large fry, 256 00:11:28,945 --> 00:11:30,944 and I don't want them too greasy, 257 00:11:30,945 --> 00:11:33,944 so try to keep your face away from them! 258 00:11:33,945 --> 00:11:36,945 One fry... coming up. 259 00:11:37,945 --> 00:11:38,944 [laughing] 260 00:11:38,945 --> 00:11:41,944 [both smooching] 261 00:11:41,945 --> 00:11:42,944 [girl laughing] 262 00:11:42,945 --> 00:11:45,944 [laugh echoes] 263 00:11:45,945 --> 00:11:47,944 [ominous music] 264 00:11:47,945 --> 00:11:49,944 [evil laugh] 265 00:11:49,945 --> 00:11:52,944 Do it, Sandy. Not enough to kill, 266 00:11:52,945 --> 00:11:54,944 just enough to make her pay. 267 00:11:54,945 --> 00:11:57,944 No, Sandy, this isn't how you were raised. 268 00:11:57,945 --> 00:12:00,944 Turn the other cheek. [sighs] 269 00:12:00,945 --> 00:12:05,944 I am so sick of your goody-goody horse shit. Look at her! 270 00:12:05,945 --> 00:12:08,944 If she doesn't cut some corners once in a while, 271 00:12:08,945 --> 00:12:11,944 she is not going to make it! 272 00:12:11,945 --> 00:12:14,944 - She's a late bloomer. - Tsk-tsk-tsk-tsk-tsk! 273 00:12:14,945 --> 00:12:17,944 Sandy, it's just you and me here, okay? Just poison the bitch. 274 00:12:17,945 --> 00:12:19,944 No, don't! You're above this. 275 00:12:19,945 --> 00:12:24,944 - Ah, shut up! - Did you just [bleep] touch me? 276 00:12:24,945 --> 00:12:27,944 Yeah. What are you gonna do about it, pray that I say, "Sorry"? 277 00:12:27,945 --> 00:12:28,944 That's it! 278 00:12:28,945 --> 00:12:29,944 - Aah! - No! 279 00:12:29,945 --> 00:12:31,944 Aah! 280 00:12:31,945 --> 00:12:33,944 Why? Why? Why? 281 00:12:33,945 --> 00:12:34,944 [garbled yelling] 282 00:12:34,945 --> 00:12:39,944 [gasps] What have I done? No. No! 283 00:12:39,945 --> 00:12:43,944 I don't deserve to live. I'm sorry, Sandy. 284 00:12:43,945 --> 00:12:47,502 I'm no angel! [choking] 285 00:12:50,945 --> 00:12:52,944 [girl] Hey, fries, troll! Fries! 286 00:12:52,945 --> 00:12:54,944 That's it! That's all I ordered! 287 00:12:54,945 --> 00:12:57,944 Where are my fries? She can't find it! 288 00:12:57,945 --> 00:13:00,944 Where are my fries, troll? 289 00:13:00,945 --> 00:13:02,944 [laughter echoes] 290 00:13:02,945 --> 00:13:04,944 [phone rings] 291 00:13:04,945 --> 00:13:06,944 - Hello. TripTank. - Ah, hi. 292 00:13:06,945 --> 00:13:08,944 I was just calling to look into a job at TripTank. 293 00:13:08,945 --> 00:13:10,944 Oh, great. We're currently hiring animators. 294 00:13:10,945 --> 00:13:13,944 Full disclosure: I am a head that has been kept alive 295 00:13:13,945 --> 00:13:17,460 through some really amazing doctors in Switzerland, 296 00:13:17,495 --> 00:13:20,879 so I... my drawing is, uh... 297 00:13:21,029 --> 00:13:23,944 middle-of-the-road, but even that said, 298 00:13:23,945 --> 00:13:26,944 I feel like it's probably, for you guys, the all-star team. 299 00:13:26,945 --> 00:13:30,944 I don't want to seem insensitive, but how does that even work? 300 00:13:30,945 --> 00:13:32,944 Um, I can hold a pen in the left side of my mouth. 301 00:13:32,945 --> 00:13:35,944 I can hold a pen in my nose. Uh, I can hold a pen in my ear. 302 00:13:35,945 --> 00:13:37,944 Well, you sound like you'd fit right in. 303 00:13:37,945 --> 00:13:39,944 - Okay, cool. - I'm not at my desk right now. 304 00:13:39,945 --> 00:13:42,944 - Is there any way I can email you back? - That would be great. 305 00:13:42,945 --> 00:13:49,944 I am GregsHeadAlive @zurichmedicalcenter.org. 306 00:13:49,945 --> 00:13:51,944 Okay, there's an email heading your way, Greg. 307 00:13:51,945 --> 00:13:53,944 [chuckles] Yeah. 308 00:13:53,945 --> 00:13:56,945 [techno music] 309 00:13:58,208 --> 00:14:03,507 [dog barks] [boys laughing] 310 00:14:03,508 --> 00:14:05,507 [upbeat music] 311 00:14:05,508 --> 00:14:08,507 [dog whimpers] 312 00:14:08,508 --> 00:14:10,507 [ominous music] [dog whines] 313 00:14:10,508 --> 00:14:15,507 You're a good boy. Now, where did they touch you, exactly? 314 00:14:15,508 --> 00:14:18,572 [techno music] 315 00:14:20,508 --> 00:14:21,507 - Oh! - # There once was a baby # 316 00:14:21,508 --> 00:14:23,507 ♪ Who never left his womb ♪ 317 00:14:23,508 --> 00:14:26,507 ♪ Now he's 34 and not going anywhere soon ♪ 318 00:14:26,508 --> 00:14:28,507 ♪ It's Ma and Frankie. ♪ 319 00:14:28,508 --> 00:14:30,507 That's me. [chuckles] 320 00:14:30,508 --> 00:14:32,507 [humming melody] 321 00:14:32,508 --> 00:14:34,507 [doorbell rings] 322 00:14:34,508 --> 00:14:35,508 Coming! 323 00:14:37,288 --> 00:14:42,287 - Oh, hello, Russell. - Uh, hi, Mrs. Campese. 324 00:14:42,288 --> 00:14:45,287 So Frankie tells me you got a new job. 325 00:14:45,288 --> 00:14:47,287 Yeah, at, uh, Joey's Pizzeria. 326 00:14:47,288 --> 00:14:49,287 - On Route 6? - Yep. 327 00:14:49,288 --> 00:14:54,287 Oh, I love their garlic knots. Let me get Frankie for you. 328 00:14:54,288 --> 00:14:56,287 Frankie! Frankie, wake up! 329 00:14:56,288 --> 00:14:59,287 Russell's here! [yawns] 330 00:14:59,288 --> 00:15:01,287 Russ, hey, man. How's it going? 331 00:15:01,288 --> 00:15:04,287 - Uh, good, Frankie. And you? - Bring it in, bro. 332 00:15:04,288 --> 00:15:08,287 Oh... [laughs] Ah, no, th... that's okay. 333 00:15:08,288 --> 00:15:10,287 - I'll stay out here. - Come on, I want to hang out. 334 00:15:10,288 --> 00:15:12,287 Uh, we are hanging out. [chuckles] 335 00:15:12,288 --> 00:15:15,287 - Get in here. - Go on. Go on, dear. 336 00:15:15,288 --> 00:15:17,287 - Frankie wants to see you. - Ugh... 337 00:15:17,288 --> 00:15:21,287 Um, so how do I get... okay, what do I, um... 338 00:15:21,288 --> 00:15:25,287 - Just lower your shoulder. - Okay, I see. Uh-huh. 339 00:15:25,288 --> 00:15:28,287 Oh, ow. Have you been working out? 340 00:15:28,288 --> 00:15:30,287 [groans] 341 00:15:30,288 --> 00:15:32,287 Oh, you're wearing corduroy, huh? 342 00:15:32,288 --> 00:15:36,287 Oh! Woo-hoo! There you go. 343 00:15:36,288 --> 00:15:39,287 Oh, and no shoes inside. 344 00:15:39,288 --> 00:15:41,287 What's up, bro? Beer? 345 00:15:41,288 --> 00:15:44,287 - No, thank you. - You stop drinking, you pussy? 346 00:15:44,288 --> 00:15:46,145 - So did you go out with Carla? - Yeah. 347 00:15:46,180 --> 00:15:48,287 - You tap that shit? - Uh... 348 00:15:48,288 --> 00:15:49,287 - Tell me you hit that. - Um... 349 00:15:49,288 --> 00:15:51,287 - She got a friend for me? - For you? 350 00:15:51,288 --> 00:15:52,287 - Yeah. - Um, well... 351 00:15:52,288 --> 00:15:55,185 I see. You're saving the friend 352 00:15:55,220 --> 00:15:58,287 so you can have a little three-way action. Nice, Russ. 353 00:15:58,288 --> 00:16:01,287 [shudders] What's wrong? 354 00:16:01,288 --> 00:16:03,287 I just feel a little weird talking about that in here. 355 00:16:03,288 --> 00:16:05,287 If we whisper, she can't hear us. 356 00:16:05,288 --> 00:16:07,287 I made chili, boys. 357 00:16:07,288 --> 00:16:09,287 This chili's the bomb. 358 00:16:09,288 --> 00:16:12,287 - Does Russell want cornbread? - You want cornbread? 359 00:16:12,288 --> 00:16:15,287 Negative on the cornbread, Ma! 360 00:16:15,288 --> 00:16:16,287 Yo, don't spill any on the floor. 361 00:16:16,288 --> 00:16:18,287 - Ma will freak out. - The floor? 362 00:16:18,288 --> 00:16:20,287 - It's homemade. - He doesn't want it, Ma! 363 00:16:20,288 --> 00:16:25,287 - Okay. Jeez. - My fantasy football team is crushing it. 364 00:16:25,288 --> 00:16:28,287 Hey, if you do that three-way, hook me up and video it. 365 00:16:28,288 --> 00:16:29,287 Video? Why? 366 00:16:29,288 --> 00:16:31,287 I need some new material for the spank bank. 367 00:16:31,288 --> 00:16:34,287 Oh, jee... oh, no. You do that in here? 368 00:16:34,288 --> 00:16:36,287 - Frankie? - Yeah, Ma? 369 00:16:36,288 --> 00:16:37,287 Bobby's here. 370 00:16:37,288 --> 00:16:40,287 Bobby, you big dummy, 371 00:16:40,288 --> 00:16:42,287 - get your fat ass in here. - Oh, boy. 372 00:16:42,288 --> 00:16:44,287 ♪ It's Ma and Frankie ♪ 373 00:16:44,288 --> 00:16:46,287 Oh, this means we're getting close. 374 00:16:46,288 --> 00:16:49,287 Yeah. I haven't seen it since they added the 3-D. 375 00:16:49,288 --> 00:16:52,287 Hello, TripTank employees, and welcome to the men's room. 376 00:16:52,288 --> 00:16:56,287 I'm Ron, and I'll be acting as your chief bathroom liaison. 377 00:16:56,288 --> 00:16:59,287 You'll be pooping in just a few minutes, 378 00:16:59,288 --> 00:17:02,287 but, first, let's go over a few simple ground rules, 379 00:17:02,288 --> 00:17:05,287 or, in this case, brown rules. [laughs] 380 00:17:05,288 --> 00:17:10,287 All personal items may be stowed in one of two locations... 381 00:17:10,288 --> 00:17:13,287 this door-mounted hook or this convenient little shelf. 382 00:17:13,288 --> 00:17:15,287 You sit tight, banana. 383 00:17:15,288 --> 00:17:17,287 Next, fasten your toilet belts 384 00:17:17,288 --> 00:17:20,287 by inserting them into the buckle on your left. 385 00:17:20,288 --> 00:17:23,287 Remember, you must be at least 43 inches tall to poop. 386 00:17:23,288 --> 00:17:26,287 Sorry, Timmy. Maybe next year. 387 00:17:26,288 --> 00:17:29,287 Now that you're ready to poop, remember the number one rule... 388 00:17:29,288 --> 00:17:32,287 or should I say, "Number two rule"? 389 00:17:32,288 --> 00:17:35,287 No flash photography in the stalls. [laughs] 390 00:17:35,288 --> 00:17:38,287 But in all seriousness, don't be a [bleep] pervert. 391 00:17:38,288 --> 00:17:41,287 And, hey, have a great poop in there. 392 00:17:41,288 --> 00:17:43,287 Hola, empleados de TripTank... 393 00:17:43,288 --> 00:17:45,287 I'm so excited! This is gonna be great! 394 00:17:45,288 --> 00:17:47,287 It's like a dream come true, man. 395 00:17:47,288 --> 00:17:50,287 [dramatic music] 396 00:17:50,288 --> 00:17:53,287 [indistinct chatter] 397 00:17:53,288 --> 00:17:55,287 [all gasp] 398 00:17:55,288 --> 00:17:56,287 Hey, that's Lefty Calhoun. 399 00:17:56,288 --> 00:18:00,950 - That's Lefty Calhoun. - That's Lefty Calhoun. 400 00:18:01,288 --> 00:18:03,287 - What can I do for you? - Two things. 401 00:18:03,288 --> 00:18:05,287 First, you can bring me a shot of whiskey. 402 00:18:05,288 --> 00:18:09,287 - And what's the second? - You can go tell your Sheriff Perkins 403 00:18:09,288 --> 00:18:12,287 that Lefty Calhoun's ridden into town, 404 00:18:12,288 --> 00:18:14,287 and I'll be sitting here on this stool until 405 00:18:14,288 --> 00:18:17,287 he has the guts to face me man-to-man. 406 00:18:17,288 --> 00:18:18,287 [all gasp] 407 00:18:18,288 --> 00:18:22,287 Hmm. And he's there right now? 408 00:18:22,288 --> 00:18:25,287 I knew this day would come. 409 00:18:25,288 --> 00:18:28,287 [bird screeches] I'm Sheriff Perkins. You were looking for me? 410 00:18:28,288 --> 00:18:32,287 - Ha! I'm looking for an answer. - What answer is that? 411 00:18:32,288 --> 00:18:34,287 Is it true what they say about you, Sheriff? 412 00:18:34,288 --> 00:18:37,287 And just what do they say about me, stranger? 413 00:18:37,288 --> 00:18:39,287 [gulps] 414 00:18:39,288 --> 00:18:42,956 They say that you got the smallest dick in the West. 415 00:18:42,991 --> 00:18:46,287 - What's it to you? - Well, I'm Lefty Calhoun, 416 00:18:46,288 --> 00:18:49,287 and I say I've got the smallest dick in the West. 417 00:18:49,288 --> 00:18:51,287 - Whoa! - He ain't got the smallest! 418 00:18:51,288 --> 00:18:52,287 Well, maybe you do, and maybe you don't. 419 00:18:52,288 --> 00:18:56,287 We'll never know. I got nothing to prove anymore. 420 00:18:56,288 --> 00:18:59,287 [chuckles] Spoken with the confidence of a big-dicked man. 421 00:18:59,288 --> 00:19:01,287 [all gasp] 422 00:19:01,288 --> 00:19:03,287 Now, don't start going off half-cocked now, son. 423 00:19:03,288 --> 00:19:08,287 Hell, I could be full-cocked and I'd still be half your size, Sheriff. 424 00:19:08,288 --> 00:19:10,287 Them's fighting words, son. 425 00:19:10,288 --> 00:19:14,287 Well, then, why don't you put your money where my small dick is? 426 00:19:14,288 --> 00:19:15,287 [bird screeches] 427 00:19:15,288 --> 00:19:17,287 [music] 428 00:19:17,288 --> 00:19:19,287 On draw. 429 00:19:19,288 --> 00:19:23,287 Three, two, one... draw! 430 00:19:23,288 --> 00:19:25,287 [chuckles] Yeah. 431 00:19:25,288 --> 00:19:28,287 [all gasp] 432 00:19:30,288 --> 00:19:31,287 - Well? - You're still married 433 00:19:31,288 --> 00:19:34,287 to the smallest dick in the West. 434 00:19:34,288 --> 00:19:37,287 Yeah... "lucky me." 435 00:19:37,288 --> 00:19:40,288 [techno music] 436 00:19:43,228 --> 00:19:47,027 And now, the pig who's secretly a pedophile. 437 00:19:47,028 --> 00:19:51,027 Hey, pig, want to go back to the park and play with the kids? 438 00:19:51,028 --> 00:19:53,027 [ominous music] 439 00:19:53,028 --> 00:19:58,027 Uh... uh... 440 00:19:58,028 --> 00:20:00,027 yes. 441 00:20:00,028 --> 00:20:03,027 [techno music] 442 00:20:09,178 --> 00:20:10,177 I can't believe we made it. 443 00:20:10,178 --> 00:20:12,177 - We're finally here. - Keep it cool. 444 00:20:12,178 --> 00:20:16,177 I know you're nervous, but let's just enjoy the smooth ride. 445 00:20:16,178 --> 00:20:21,177 [inspirational rock music] Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo! 446 00:20:21,178 --> 00:20:24,177 - Ha-ha! - Whoo! Oh! 447 00:20:24,178 --> 00:20:27,177 - Whoa, man! - Whoo! 448 00:20:27,178 --> 00:20:28,177 I think I'm gonna... [grunts] 449 00:20:28,178 --> 00:20:33,177 - Get out there! Yoo! - Whoo! I hope it never stops! 450 00:20:33,178 --> 00:20:35,177 You still with me, brother? 451 00:20:35,178 --> 00:20:39,177 Aah! Whoo! Yes! Oh, yeah! 452 00:20:39,178 --> 00:20:41,177 - Whoo! - I'm doing it! 453 00:20:41,178 --> 00:20:43,177 - I'm doing it! - Woo-hoo-hoo! 454 00:20:43,178 --> 00:20:46,177 [flatulence] Oh, yeah! 455 00:20:46,178 --> 00:20:48,177 [toilet flushes] 456 00:20:48,178 --> 00:20:51,177 - Whew! Well, back to it, I guess. - Hell, yeah, man. 457 00:20:51,178 --> 00:20:53,978 That leftover prune cobbler ain't gonna eat itself. 458 00:20:54,179 --> 00:20:55,491 sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~ 459 00:20:55,492 --> 00:20:57,697 Uh... hey, Greg's alive head. 460 00:20:57,732 --> 00:20:58,291 Just calling back, and I just wanted 461 00:20:58,292 --> 00:21:01,291 to check what kind of health coverage you guys 462 00:21:01,292 --> 00:21:04,291 have, 'cause I got a couple preexisting conditions 463 00:21:04,292 --> 00:21:06,291 and sometimes they're sticklers about it, you know, 464 00:21:06,292 --> 00:21:08,291 being just a head in a jar. 465 00:21:08,292 --> 00:21:10,686 Anyway, you got the email. Hit me back.