[knock at door]
- You wanted to see me, Mr. Downey? - Yes, Wayne. Have a seat.
As you know, we recently had a specialist come in
and install some software that monitors
what people are using the company Internet for,
- you know, keeping track of work flow... - Oh, yes.
- Of productivity. - I'm tracking.
So you want to tell me why you're using the company
Internet to post on Craigslist as "HornyThriftyDad"?
Well... [clears throat] First off, I'm a dad.
[techno music]
2x12 - How the Sausage is Made
sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~
[girls giggling]
Ugh, come on! I can't believe this.
There's, like, a hundred dudes working here
and only two toilets. That's insane, right?
- It... that... this is insane. - Goddamn lunchtime rush.
I got to take my hot two at 3:00, man.
This ain't negotiable.
Train is coming down the track, man.
- [phone rings] Hello, TripTank. - Yes, hi, TripTank.
Confession time. I've been impersonating a rabbi
because I thought it would help me pick up chicks.
Well, that sounds like a terrible idea.
Right, and now I'm at this thing called a bris,
and I'm starting to panic a little bit,
because I thought I was coming to eat lunch or something.
I guess I got it confused with brisket, but they are not related at all.
- Nope, not even close. - Yeah.
So now they're asking me to cut off the tip
of this kid's penis, I guess, and I have a feeling
this could go sideways pretty quick. So I was wondering if maybe
you could walk me through how to do it, please.
Ah, no problem. That's an easy one.
Let me transfer you.
[bell dings]
Good morning. Nice to see you.
- Good morning, Doctor. - Same to you, Nancy.
- How's the family? - Thanks for asking. They're great.
All right, let's see who's up first here.
- Oh, my. Well, I'd better get into it. - Good luck, sir.
[vase shatters]
- [chuckles] Excuse me. - Ah, I'll clean it up.
- Acute renal failure. - Is it serious, Doc?
I thought we agreed you'd stay off the caffeine, Bob.
I need my coffee in the mornings.
Well, I'm afraid you have kidney disease, and it's
- pretty far along. - Oh, God.
What am I gonna tell Martha?
You tell Martha the truth. I'm not gonna sugarcoat it, Bob.
This is a serious operation with a 50-50 survival rate,
but I'm the best in the game,
- and I'm gonna give it all I've got. - [sniffles] Thanks, Doc.
- Sorry about that. - No biggie.
[heart rate monitor beeps] [indistinct conversations]
Oh, hello there. Time for "Versus."
[heavy metal music]
[heart monitor beeps]
[orchestra tuning up]
[heavy metal music] [shrieking]
[all gasp]
[heart rate monitor beeping]
Oh, Doctor, thank you. How can we ever repay you?
Saving lives is my reward.
- Pardon me. - No pardons necessary, Doctor.
Winner: hard work and the right tools.
There goes my hero.
[techno music]
[trombone plays wacky tune]
Another Chummy Mary, Joe, and make it spicy this time.
Oh, my God!
A Bloody Mary with Chamato? So disgusting!
Hey, Joe, true or false? Chamato's all the slop those guys empty
out of their boots from "Deadliest Catch" or something, right?
- Pretty sure that's false. - Now look at Andrew and I,
perfectly tasty and appropriate drinks that reflect our
personalities and individual senses of style and taste.
So you're fruity? [all laugh]
I am exotic and mysterious!
Little subtle nuances of flavor! My sophisticated tastes
are so far above what you could possibly imagine that...
[speaks gibberish]
All right, simmer down, chicken boy.
- Don't make a maniac out of me. - You hungry? I'm going for a burger.
- Whoo! You know it. - See you later, guys.
Whoa, what is this about? Don't worry, I got this.
So why isn't Andrew invited to get burgers?
Let me guess.
You don't want to be seen hanging out in public with a gay guy?
What the hell are you on about? I'm in public with him now!
Jerk Chicken, you know I've never really come out.
Some people don't need to.
Trust me when I tell you it ain't a secret.
- I'm still figuring it out. - Figuring what out?
That hair plus those clothes equals you are gay as a tangerine, man.
I'm talking Judy Garland making out with Liberace!
Gay as a... as a super gay guy!
Hey, Joe. You know Andrew's gay, right?
Cool. My nephew's gay.
- You want his number? - No!
- He's an underwear model. - Uh...
See? Joe's perfectly fine with Andrew's alternative sexuality,
and these people are clearly no strangers to sodomy and perversion.
So what happens to be your special problem with our queer friend here?
Dude, Andrew doesn't want to go 'cause he's a vegetarian.
He doesn't eat meat!
[snickering]
Mmm! That's not what I heard, am I right?
I bet he can inhale a kielbasa without choking.
- You know what I mean, lady? - That's inappropriate!
Okay, calm down, Susie. You know I'm just kidding.
Hey, you want us to bring you something back?
- What do you guys eat? - Gay people eat...
Don't worry. I'll get you something.
He's here! He's queer!
- Get used to it, people! - Oh!
He means well. [laughs nervously]
No, he doesn't.
[trombone plays wacky tune]
We haven't moved in, like, ten minutes, man.
- I'm touching cotton over here. - I might poop my pants.
I'm honestly... I'm honestly starting to worry.
This grumper wants to get out and take a look at the world now.
- Ohh! - I say we use the ladies' room, man.
I bet it's real nice in there.
Candelabras, travertine, and shit.
No, dude, we can't just walk in there.
Oh, look, there's Ashley.
- Hey, Ashley, come over here. - What's going on here?
Police lineup at the Special Victims Unit?
Very funny, Ashley. We need to get
in that ladies' room toot sweet, man.
- Ew! No. - Come on, Ashley.
- It's an emergency. - Let me guess.
- Prune cobbler in the cafeteria? - Oh, I went back for thirds.
Just let us in that damn bathroom.
Hell, no. You guys don't want to go in there, it's terrible.
- It's the worst bathroom I've ever seen. - Oh, come on. Don't be like that.
I'm dead serious, guys. It's like a portal to hell in there.
- You don't want any part of it. - Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.
I'm having a contraction.
Don't talk for a second. [inhales and exhales]
Hey, Steve. [whispers] Prune cobbler.
[groans] See you later, boys. Good luck.
All right, Ashley, you can do this.
Here we go.
[techno music]
[music] [both panting]
You're not gonna bite my head off now, are you?
[high voice] Oh, no.
[deep voice] Only the females do that.
[techno music]
"If you've found this letter, consider yourself very lucky."
- Hmm. - "After years of testing,
"I finally figured out how to send a carbon life force back in time."
- Interesting. - "Read carefully, "and prepare ahead of time.
"Get all the props and items listed here
- before you attempt." - Okay.
"You will need a portable rolling chalkboard,
- 1-inch piece of red chalk..." - Got it.
- "A six-pack of Ginger Ale..." - Check.
- "A knife..." - Got it.
"And one retired magician's white rabbit."
- Got it. - "Now, onto the list.
"One: the calendar must read
- November 22nd." - Mm-hmm.
- "It must be 4:30 A.M. or P.M." - Check.
"The sky must be littered with cumulus nimbus clouds."
- Yep. - "There mustn't be
"any goldfish within a mile radius of your location.
- "One crisp $2 bill must be in your wallet." - Check.
"Your license must be expired."
- Check. - "Your right thumb must be painted red..."
- Hmm. Hmm. - "The left, black. "Also, you must have thumbs.
"An annoying car alarm must be going off
- somewhere in the vicinity." - Check.
"A poster of the original 'Tron' "must be taped to the wall facing you.
"Brush your teeth with a boar head's bristle.
"One Smurf figurine must be in your pocket.
- Any Smurf will do. I used Brainy." - Got it.
"Batteries should be removed "from all smoke alarms.
"A copy of 'Time' magazine should be in the room anywhere."
- Check. - "Eat a banana and its peel.
"Take a piss. Turn on an oscillating fan.
"Turn off an oscillating fan. "Take any or all eyeglasses,
"place them in a pink scarf, and smash them.
- Say the name 'Gilda Radner' backwards." - Rendar Adlig.
"Drink half the six-pack of Ginger Ale.
Sing the song 'Back in Time' by Huey Lewis but in French."
♪ Remonter dans le temps ♪
"Do one push-up. "Call someone you know, burp,
"then hang up and disconnect your phone immediately.
"Say, 'Picasso was a Spaniard!' but with an Australian accent."
[Australian accent] Picasso was a Spaniard.
"Laugh maniacally for three seconds exactly."
[laughs maniacally] "Now take the red piece of chalk
"and write on the chalkboard
"the month, day, and year that you were born.
"Below that date, write today's date.
"Below that date, write the day, month, and year
- "that you'd like to travel back to. - Mmm.
"You should not write any year
"before you were born or the time travel will not work.
"You can only travel back in time
"to the years that you've already experienced.
"Take the Ambien. Insert it up your ass.
"Pick up the rabbit by the ears.
"Pick up the knife. Slice the rabbit's neck.
"Pocket the list and close your eyes.
"Smile, you're about to travel back in time
"to the date you wrote on the chalkboard.
Warning: you will not be able to get back."
What? [zap]
[phone ringing]
Hello, PoopTank... I mean TripTank... how can I help you?
Hey, TripTank, remember me?
It's Weasely Pete [chuckles] from the golden age of animation.
- Oh, yeah, I think I remember you. - Look, I'm just calling to put
my hat in the ring for a job.
Wait, weren't you in those really racist cartoons?
"Weasely Pete Jabs the Japs"? That was written for me.
I didn't... I didn't come up with that. I'm not... I'm not a writer.
Yeah, that's not the one I was thinking about.
- "Weasely Pete and 3/5 of a Pal?" - Yep, that's it.
I had... I had no problem with that guy.
You know, we got along great on the set. He was in my wedding.
- That doesn't make it okay. - "Weasely Pete and the Women Drivers."
All right, that one was me, but I stand by it.
- That one still holds up. - Please don't call back.
Oh, thanks for saving my place, man. I can't believe
you didn't want anything from the turkey leg cart.
- Eh, everything's so expensive. - That's why I keep telling you, man.
You got to get yourself a Preferred Pooper Pass.
15% off all concessions and merchandise.
Yeah, but, you know, there's so many blackout dates.
It's not really worth it.
Hey, what are you staring at?
What's the matter? You never seen a gay guy before?
Welcome to the 21st century, you Philistines!
Hey, you want me to play you something on the jukebox?
- Show tunes, ABBA, or something? - No!
What are you guys into, Barbara Streisand?
Asshole. [trombone plays wacky tune]
[techno music]
Two burgers and two fries. [slurps]
Thanks for choosing Burger Burger.
Oh, hey, Trent, [chuckles] how was the game?
Did you throw like 600 touchdowns?
[giggles]
- Uh, yeah. Do I know you? - Oh, Trent, you regular huckster.
We only have every other class together.
Remember that time in Social Justice when we both reached for that pencil
and we touched hands and then something happened with my body?
Excuse me, I'm trying to order, troll. I want a large fry,
and I don't want them too greasy,
so try to keep your face away from them!
One fry... coming up.
[laughing]
[both smooching]
[girl laughing]
[laugh echoes]
[ominous music]
[evil laugh]
Do it, Sandy. Not enough to kill,
just enough to make her pay.
No, Sandy, this isn't how you were raised.
Turn the other cheek. [sighs]
I am so sick of your goody-goody horse shit. Look at her!
If she doesn't cut some corners once in a while,
she is not going to make it!
- She's a late bloomer. - Tsk-tsk-tsk-tsk-tsk!
Sandy, it's just you and me here, okay? Just poison the bitch.
No, don't! You're above this.
- Ah, shut up! - Did you just [bleep] touch me?
Yeah. What are you gonna do about it, pray that I say, "Sorry"?
That's it!
- Aah! - No!
Aah!
Why? Why? Why?
[garbled yelling]
[gasps] What have I done? No. No!
I don't deserve to live. I'm sorry, Sandy.
I'm no angel! [choking]
[girl] Hey, fries, troll! Fries!
That's it! That's all I ordered!
Where are my fries? She can't find it!
Where are my fries, troll?
[laughter echoes]
[phone rings]
- Hello. TripTank. - Ah, hi.
I was just calling to look into a job at TripTank.
Oh, great. We're currently hiring animators.
Full disclosure: I am a head that has been kept alive
through some really amazing doctors in Switzerland,
so I... my drawing is, uh...
middle-of-the-road, but even that said,
I feel like it's probably, for you guys, the all-star team.
I don't want to seem insensitive, but how does that even work?
Um, I can hold a pen in the left side of my mouth.
I can hold a pen in my nose. Uh, I can hold a pen in my ear.
Well, you sound like you'd fit right in.
- Okay, cool. - I'm not at my desk right now.
- Is there any way I can email you back? - That would be great.
I am GregsHeadAlive @zurichmedicalcenter.org.
Okay, there's an email heading your way, Greg.
[chuckles] Yeah.
[techno music]
[dog barks] [boys laughing]
[upbeat music]
[dog whimpers]
[ominous music] [dog whines]
You're a good boy. Now, where did they touch you, exactly?
[techno music]
- Oh! - # There once was a baby #
♪ Who never left his womb ♪
♪ Now he's 34 and not going anywhere soon ♪
♪ It's Ma and Frankie. ♪
That's me. [chuckles]
[humming melody]
[doorbell rings]
Coming!
- Oh, hello, Russell. - Uh, hi, Mrs. Campese.
So Frankie tells me you got a new job.
Yeah, at, uh, Joey's Pizzeria.
- On Route 6? - Yep.
Oh, I love their garlic knots. Let me get Frankie for you.
Frankie! Frankie, wake up!
Russell's here! [yawns]
Russ, hey, man. How's it going?
- Uh, good, Frankie. And you? - Bring it in, bro.
Oh... [laughs] Ah, no, th... that's okay.
- I'll stay out here. - Come on, I want to hang out.
Uh, we are hanging out. [chuckles]
- Get in here. - Go on. Go on, dear.
- Frankie wants to see you. - Ugh...
Um, so how do I get... okay, what do I, um...
- Just lower your shoulder. - Okay, I see. Uh-huh.
Oh, ow. Have you been working out?
[groans]
Oh, you're wearing corduroy, huh?
Oh! Woo-hoo! There you go.
Oh, and no shoes inside.
What's up, bro? Beer?
- No, thank you. - You stop drinking, you pussy?
- So did you go out with Carla? - Yeah.
- You tap that shit? - Uh...
- Tell me you hit that. - Um...
- She got a friend for me? - For you?
- Yeah. - Um, well...
I see. You're saving the friend
so you can have a little three-way action. Nice, Russ.
[shudders] What's wrong?
I just feel a little weird talking about that in here.
If we whisper, she can't hear us.
I made chili, boys.
This chili's the bomb.
- Does Russell want cornbread? - You want cornbread?
Negative on the cornbread, Ma!
Yo, don't spill any on the floor.
- Ma will freak out. - The floor?
- It's homemade. - He doesn't want it, Ma!
- Okay. Jeez. - My fantasy football team is crushing it.
Hey, if you do that three-way, hook me up and video it.
Video? Why?
I need some new material for the spank bank.
Oh, jee... oh, no. You do that in here?
- Frankie? - Yeah, Ma?
Bobby's here.
Bobby, you big dummy,
- get your fat ass in here. - Oh, boy.
♪ It's Ma and Frankie ♪
Oh, this means we're getting close.
Yeah. I haven't seen it since they added the 3-D.
Hello, TripTank employees, and welcome to the men's room.
I'm Ron, and I'll be acting as your chief bathroom liaison.
You'll be pooping in just a few minutes,
but, first, let's go over a few simple ground rules,
or, in this case, brown rules. [laughs]
All personal items may be stowed in one of two locations...
this door-mounted hook or this convenient little shelf.
You sit tight, banana.
Next, fasten your toilet belts
by inserting them into the buckle on your left.
Remember, you must be at least 43 inches tall to poop.
Sorry, Timmy. Maybe next year.
Now that you're ready to poop, remember the number one rule...
or should I say, "Number two rule"?
No flash photography in the stalls. [laughs]
But in all seriousness, don't be a [bleep] pervert.
And, hey, have a great poop in there.
Hola, empleados de TripTank...
I'm so excited! This is gonna be great!
It's like a dream come true, man.
[dramatic music]
[indistinct chatter]
[all gasp]
Hey, that's Lefty Calhoun.
- That's Lefty Calhoun. - That's Lefty Calhoun.
- What can I do for you? - Two things.
First, you can bring me a shot of whiskey.
- And what's the second? - You can go tell your Sheriff Perkins
that Lefty Calhoun's ridden into town,
and I'll be sitting here on this stool until
he has the guts to face me man-to-man.
[all gasp]
Hmm. And he's there right now?
I knew this day would come.
[bird screeches] I'm Sheriff Perkins. You were looking for me?
- Ha! I'm looking for an answer. - What answer is that?
Is it true what they say about you, Sheriff?
And just what do they say about me, stranger?
[gulps]
They say that you got the smallest dick in the West.
- What's it to you? - Well, I'm Lefty Calhoun,
and I say I've got the smallest dick in the West.
- Whoa! - He ain't got the smallest!
Well, maybe you do, and maybe you don't.
We'll never know. I got nothing to prove anymore.
[chuckles] Spoken with the confidence of a big-dicked man.
[all gasp]
Now, don't start going off half-cocked now, son.
Hell, I could be full-cocked and I'd still be half your size, Sheriff.
Them's fighting words, son.
Well, then, why don't you put your money where my small dick is?
[bird screeches]
[music]
On draw.
Three, two, one... draw!
[chuckles] Yeah.
[all gasp]
- Well? - You're still married
to the smallest dick in the West.
Yeah... "lucky me."
[techno music]
And now, the pig who's secretly a pedophile.
Hey, pig, want to go back to the park and play with the kids?
[ominous music]
Uh... uh...
yes.
[techno music]
I can't believe we made it.
- We're finally here. - Keep it cool.
I know you're nervous, but let's just enjoy the smooth ride.
[inspirational rock music] Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
- Ha-ha! - Whoo! Oh!
- Whoa, man! - Whoo!
I think I'm gonna... [grunts]
- Get out there! Yoo! - Whoo! I hope it never stops!
You still with me, brother?
Aah! Whoo! Yes! Oh, yeah!
- Whoo! - I'm doing it!
- Woo-hoo-hoo!
[flatulence] Oh, yeah!
[toilet flushes]
- Whew! Well, back to it, I guess. - Hell, yeah, man.
That leftover prune cobbler ain't gonna eat itself.
sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~
Uh... hey, Greg's alive head.
Just calling back, and I just wanted
to check what kind of health coverage you guys
have, 'cause I got a couple preexisting conditions
and sometimes they're sticklers about it, you know,
being just a head in a jar.
Anyway, you got the email. Hit me back.