♪ When you're love, you know you're in love
♪ No matter what you try to do
♪ You might as well resign yourself
♪ To what you're going through
♪ If you're a hard man or if you're a child
♪ It still might get to you
♪ Don't kid yourself you've seen it all before
♪ A million mouths have said that too ooh-ooh
♪ I've had my hard times in the past
♪ I've been a husband and a lover too
♪ I've lain alone and cried at night
♪ Over what love made me do
♪ And the loved ones who let me down
♪ And didn't share my point of view... ♪
This is me, son. I'd better get to work.
No, please don't go.
Come on, mate. You don't want to be late on your first day, do you?
Hm?
- You can tell me all about it at teatime. Yeah? - Mm.
- See you later. - See you later.
You knock 'em dead, son.
Come on.
Here's your PE kit. Don't sell it. I want it all back, all right?
Give us a kiss. Have a brilliant day. Enjoy it.
Have a good first day. Yeah?
Right.
- You weren't thinking of keeping that, were you? - No, course not.
I'm only messing. Bugger all in it anyway.
Well, don't you look dapper, eh?
First day? Yeah, it's my Nessa's first day an' all.
Got a son here too. He's over there with his coat on backwards.
- Here you are. You won't mind, would you? - Oh, um...
Only got baby Graham left and then I am free.
- You got any more? - Er, no, only Dean. - Ah.
Here you are. You would charm the birds out of the trees, wouldn't you?
Just like your daddy.
- Mrs Dempsey? - Yeah.
Seems the money from Ian's zoo trip last term is still outstanding.
- All right. - If you're having difficulty...
- Keep your wig on. I'll just give it to you tomorrow. - Right.
This is the third of my lot that she's tried to teach.
What she really needs is a bloody good shag.
- Pork belly, Pauline? - Hm? - Pork belly for dinner tonight?
I asked Russell to keep some back from this morning's delivery.
Sorry, Brian.
That sounds lovely.
Oh, Russell. Have a care, man.
What sort of impression does canoodling in the street have on Spake's good name?
- Not a very good one? - Exactly. Put him down. He's got the scrag end to sort.
- Yes, sorry, Mr Spake. - Look we are engaged, Mr Spake.
Yes, but engaged in what, Dawn?
- I gotta go. - Russell! There's a queue forming.
- I'm coming, Mr Spake. - Er...
I don't think so.
Be with you in a minute
- Mrs Spake, I've finished in the front room. - The 'lounge', please, Stephanie.
I'll do upstairs next, I can see you're busy in here.
Frank Ardle.
- Jack Fryer. - Bastard.
Let's keep this civilized.
Malcolm Gates.
Maurice Cole.
And Terry Kirke.
- Cheers, Gordon, you fat wazzock. - No need for that. - No-one's letting you go though.
You bastard.
You lot'll be next. The place has only got six months.
Hi, love.
Dean's in bed. He waited up as long as he could, but he's shattered so...
I think he had a good first day.
Er, I've... I've kept your tea warm.
So, er...
.. now that Dean's in school,
I want to get a job.
And um... and I found this.
I'll keep the cleaning on.
It's sales work, it's evenings.
- So -- - Exotic lingerie?
- I know it -- - What the hell's exotic lingerie?
Well, it's... selling underwear.
What, to dirty old men?
No, it's 'ladies only' parties, look.
I don't want you doing that.
- Don't be silly. It's just underwear. - No.
I got laid off.
What?
- God, Terry, they can't do that. - It's a friggin' joke.
If it wasn't for us they wouldn't even have a poxy factory.
Love, I'm so sorry.
But, look, you'll find something else. I can get more work.
Have you got any idea what it's like out there?
- Terry, I -- - I don't want to talk about it.
- Dean, that's the rent money. - Mum, look, we're rich.
No, love, don't play with that.
Er, Terry,
we're popping down the shops to get something for tea.
- Isn't Dad getting up today? - He will love... later.
Come on.
But, Mum, please. He's not had his tea yet.
Right, what can I get you lovely ladies?
Er, neck of lamb please, Mr Spake.
Mum, is Daddy angry at us?
- No, of course not, love. He... He's just a bit sad. - Because he lost his job?
He's done what?
- Is this true, Stephanie? - Mum, it's not his fault.
- Well, whose fault is it then? - Mum, they're laying everyone off.
So he says. He can't keep his mouth shut, that one.
- His temper will be the undoing of him. - Mum, please.
Oi! The kiddie's taking money from the spastic box?
Course he's not, he just... likes the dog on it is all.
My husband's an invalid.
Oh.
Two thin pork sausages, please.
I hope Terry's not lying around at home wallowing in self pity.
You don't want to end up on the social, Stephanie.
I'm going to get a job.
- Doing what? - Sales.
Sales?
Aw, Stephanie, love, don't be daft.
I mean, you've got to have something about you to do that.
I thought you were staying for a cup of tea. You always do on Wednesday.
I'm sorry, but I've got an appointment
- and I really don't want to be late. - No, of course.
Probably for the best. I've got things to be getting on with too.
Mrs Spake, my wages...
On the side.
Thanks, Mrs Spake.
Oh, Stephanie, hang on.
You've mopped me into a corner.
- Oh. - Oh!
I will if you will.
- Er, I... - Oh, come on.
Well, there you have it.
What do you think, ladies?
It seems shocking, I realise that,
but I'm telling you, women want to
reignite the passion in their marriages, make sex fun.
There are people out there who think women aren't interested in sex.
But they're wrong.
And I want you to help me prove it.
Beats selling wicker.
Sod it. I'm in.
I can't do this.
- I thought it was just selling underwear. - Where are you going?
We can make some money with this. She just said 30% on everything we sell.
I don't think I can stand up in front of a group of women and talk about...
- .. those. - We've got to give it a go though.
Right?
Oh, my God. Did I really just invest in a box of...
- marital aids? - Yeah, you bloody did.
Oh, it's gonna be a right giggle.
My Kieren is gonna soddin' love all this. What husband wouldn't, eh?
- Not telling yours? - Er... no, I will.
- I just... need to prove it'll work first. - You will.
Now all we need to do is get ourselves a party.
Those factory bosses don't give a toss about the likes of us.
That's the beauty of this. You'll be your own boss.
50 up front, the rest next week and that's it, you're in.
I really like my hair now the perm's dropped.
You should get a perm, they're great for lank hair.
Um, Lisa,
would you ever host one of those party-plan sales things?
Not bloody likely, they're awful.
Some tacky woman begging you to buy plastic stackable containers.
How desperate do you have to be to do that?
Don't you ever want more
than... just this?
Yeah, course. I can't wait to have a baby like you and not have to work.
I think Barry should get his sperm counted or summat...
cos there's definitely summat up with his pecker.
I bloody love this song.
I don't know, Jim. I'm not sure. It's a lot of money.
Maybe you have to run it past the little wife.
I'll think about it.
- All right, there you are. - Cheers. You didn't have to get a round in.
I'm not in the workhouse yet, Barry.
I know, mate.
Here's to you finding something soon.
What did he want?
Nothing.
Are you all right?
Yeah, I just...
I've had too many beers.
Oh, you didn't have that many.
- What's wrong? - Nothing.
I'm... just... knackered.
Listen, Nita, would you do me a favour?
Will you take this back for me?
Selling this stuff, it's... it's not really me.
Oh, mate. That's a shame.
Is that for the Blue Peter bring-and-buy sale?
No.
No, love.
Nice one, thanks for that. I owe you a pint.
I'll hold you to that.
Who was that?
Jim... from down the pub.
What did he want?
- Where's the rent money? - I gave it to Jim. 50 quid deposit on a cab.
His cousin's setting up a business. Needs another 50 by the end of the week.
We don't have another 50 quid. That was all we had.
- We'll ask your mum for a loan. - She doesn't have any money. - What about your dad's accident money?
- How can you even suggest that? - We'll pay it back.
It'll be our own business. No-one to answer to. It's a good earner.
And in the meantime, we live off what? You've spent everything we have.
- Give me a break. - No, extra cleaning isn't gonna sort this.
- I'll have to find something else. - You can't do anything else.
What the hell am I gonna do? I can't even touch the stuff, let alone sell it.
You need to get over that sharpish.
Go on then.
- Oh, my God. What is that? - A willy warmer.
Quick, son. I don't want the world and his wife seeing this.
- Nita, you get sexier every day. - Kieren, where did you get that?
- Thinking about that for your fella, now the weather's turned. - Where did you get that?
A friend. I promise.
He makes promises like he makes babies -- easy to make hard to deliver.
Do you wanna buy a telly? It's got a remote control. Show her.
She doesn't wanna buy a telly.
Not when she's got these to keep her entertained, eh?
Out.
Well, I better get these back while Terry's out.
Have you still not told him?
No, he's um...
It's complicated.
When it comes to the men we love, it always is.
Stephanie?!
I'm going to clear under the bed, so you can give it a good hoover through this time.
I will be up in a minute, Mrs Spake.
Brian can get through as many as three shirts a day.
I think it must be something to do with working with meat.
Oh, did I tell you Councillor Matlock has given Brian the nod.
The Rotary... are about to make an approach.
Mrs Spake, um, I've taken on some sales work
and I'm looking for someone to host a party at their house.
You'll get money off the goods I sell and um... a free gift.
A party.
Tupperware, is it?
I'm really very sorry if I offended you, Mrs Spake.
No, no, not offended, dear, just...
- not sure it's up my street. - Of course. - I am open-minded.
- No, I know. - Just... just not that open-minded.
Pauline,
the Rotary is within my grasp.
Councillor Matlock says it's gonna be a very busy time for me.
Oh, you're sat in the dark.
I won't be around as much in the evenings,
so you might want to think about taking up a hobby, Pauline.
Something to get you out of the house.
- The other Rotary wives meet every Wednesday for sherry -- - Yes.
Thank you, Brian. Now, if you don't mind,
I have a bird to baste.
I have to be quick,
Brian's nearly finished his ablutions.
I will... host that party.
What?
Oh, Mrs Spake, that's fantastic!
Thank you. Um...
Well, you'd better invite some of your friends.
Can you fire up the heated towel rail, my love?
I want white doves to be released after my wedding but...
- Mm-hm. - .. my dad said he won't pay for that barm-pot nonsense
and what's wrong with his racing pigeons.
Can you imagine? A flock of dirty, grey racing pigeons
- doing their business all over my nice white frock. - Ohh.
- He's off his blinkin' rocker. - Mm.
I'll be with you in a minute, Mrs Matlock.
- Oh, hello, Pauline. - Bunny.
Oh, it's nice to sit down.
I'm run ragged with all Councillor Matlock's business.
It's a social whirl.
- Nice to have some girl time. - We'll have some girl time at your party, Mrs Spake, won't we?
Party?
Oh, it... it's nothing.
You should come, Mrs Matlock. Mrs Spake was saying she doesn't know who else to invite.
- I don't... I don't think it's -- - When is it? - Tonight.
Oh, what a stinker. Tonight's cribbage.
- Can't make it. - Aw. - Oh.
- Hey, let's just see if Nigel's ready for you. - Thank you.
- Right, Pauline. - Oh!
Let's meet our lovely hostess on Mr & Mrs.
- Mum, do you want a biscuit with your tea? - Not if they've got raisins in.
You can't make a habit out of all this going-out lark
now you're on the breadline.
- Mum, I'm working tonight. - Slaving at that Mrs Spake's
at one of her fancy dos.
Ooh, she's got above her station, that one.
Well, she's paying me, we need the money.
- And what are you doing, Terry? - Playing darts.
Uhh.
Pot's up to a hundred quid.
- It'll get me the money for the cab. - That's your big plan, is it?
Betting our future on the throw of a dart.
Oh, thanks, love.
That's lovely.
- Ooh. - I think we should cancel.
Well, it's too late for that Mrs Spake. We'll be fine. We can do this.
- Can we? - Pauline, it's just a bit of fun.
It doesn't feel like fun.
Well, it will be.
Right, I'll set up.
- Oh. - What is it?
The marital aids. I've left them on the bus.
Is that a bad thing?
- Are you sure, Nita? - Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
- She lives on Cleary Avenue. - OK. - It's on the other side of town.
I wouldn't normally ask but I don't know what else to do. As soon as Kieren's home, I'm coming.
Dave reckons pot may go up to 250.
Nice one. We've just got to keep our eyes on the prize, mate.
Barry doesn't like me coming to watch. Says I put him off.
- She does. - Do I put you off, Terry?
Well, bugger me, it's the Jackson 5.
Now we know why he couldn't keep us on.
Spent all the money on fancy togs.
Someone just threw a pork scratching at me.
Hold the line, Russell, we're men of meat.
This is Gordon's fight not ours.
Sorry I'm early. I didn't want to miss a thing.
So what time does the show start?
Pauline, the door was open.
We could have been any old Tom, Dick or Harry.
I hadn't realised you lived this far down the Avenue.
Bunny, I thought you couldn't come.
Our Helena's back from London.
Thought this might be more fun for her than cribbage.
Oh, yes, how nice. Hello, dear.
- Er, I hope you don't mind? - No, no.
Linda, Margery, the more the merrier.
Help yourself to an asparagus roll.
- Oh! - Well, thank you. - Take your coats too.
Do help yourself.
Oh, my God!
- Steph? - Hi! Hi!
Oh, I didn't know you were back.
- You look amazing. - I can't believe my mother dragged me to this.
Some boring salesperson trying to flog a load of old tat.
Oh! Oh, well, I'll try not to be too boring.
- Oh, my God, you're not -- - Excuse us.
- Bunny Matlock is here. This party is going to be a disaster. - No, it'll be fine.
Can't you just do the clothing range?
Do you have to do... the other things?
Yes, we do, it's all or nothing.
- Oh. - Hello?
- Vera, dear. - You all right?
- What an interesting blazer. Go through to the lounge. Help yourself to nibbles. - Lovely.
Masculine Vera and the neighbours are one thing, but Bunny...
- Well -- - Here we are Mrs Spake.
Let's get this party started.
♪ Let's get physical, physical
♪ I wanna get physical.
♪ Let's get into physical... ♪
Tell them I've had a turn.
Send them home, Stephanie.
Yes! Yes! Go on.
- Good luck. - ♪ Gordon is a moron
- Excuse me, excuse me.
- If you don't mind... - ♪ Gordon is a moron... ♪
- That's enough. Settle down. - Come on, Gordon.
Here we go.
- Nice. - Very nice.
- Oh, unlucky. - Go on, Gordon. - Go on, Gord.
- Yes! - Nice. Well done. - Well done.
Well done. Well done, Gordon.
Councillor Matlock and I adore the Algarve.
- He does the golf. - Mini golf?
No, full size.
I have to say these are quite odd.
Oh, my Russell would have a heart attack if he saw me in this.
- I didn't know you were married. - I'm not.
So, just write down what lingerie you're interested in.
But careful not to spend all your money cos there's more... things to come.
Oh, I'll go, I'll go. That'll be Nita.
- Oh, Nita, you're an angel. - How's it going? - Terrible.
That's potpourri, dear.
Mmm.
Oh, I'm sorry, did you want some?
Oh, it's like a wake.
Oh.
- Everything all right? - Nita, this is Pauline, our hostess. - Hiya.
- And she's got the..... - Yep, here.
Ohh. My goodness.
- Ready? - No. - Yeah, come on.
So, ladies,
now for the... main attraction.
Allow me to introduce...
.. the Stallion.
Oh.
Is that a food blender?
Turn that thing off.
Now.
OK, look, I know. I was shocked when I first saw it.
But...
it's for you and your husband...
to...
.. spice things up in the bedroom, have some fun together.
Fun? Fun?
- To enhance your sex life. - Are you saying there's something wrong with my marriage?
- Mother. - No, course not. - I refuse to discuss my marriage with a...
group of strangers.
'Let the bed be undefiled: for fornicators and adulterers God will judge.'
- Hebrews 13:4. - Well, let's leave the Hebrews out of this, Rose.
Mother, you're making a scene.
This might be what you're used to in London, Helena, but not here.
Now, pack up this disgusting equipment and leave.
Bunny, this isn't your house, it's mine.
And if this isn't your cup of tea...
and you can't or won't join in the fun...
I think it's you who should leave.
Is anyone else leaving with Bunny?
- Helena? - I'm staying.
You always were under that one's spell.
Oh, Lord, what have I done?
I've ruined Brian's Rotary chances.
Oh, sod it!
OK, right, ladies, let's keep the drama in the bedroom, shall we?
So, who fancies trying this one on?
Oh, dear.
Come on, Tezza. Get in the zone. Just a double top.
- I can smell the money. - Come on, Terry. - Go on, Terry. - You can do it.
- Here we go. - Tezza. - Come on. - Get on it.
That's it. Come on.
Remember, ladies, there is sex sugar for the winner -- whatever that is.
No cheating, Dawn.
Done!
No wonder you've finished, there's nothing to it.
It may be small but Sam knew what to do with it, God rest his soul.
Nearly every day for 25 years he's put his bloody coffee mug down on the arm of the sofa.
Now there's a ring on the arm of that sofa...
and it makes me smile every time I see it.
He was like a randy little squirrel in the bedroom.
To Sam. Proof that diamonds aren't built as big as bricks.
- Sam. - To Sam. - To Sam.
Ta-da!
Well, see, the problem is I need a bigger bit of paper to fit Russell in.
Cheer up, Terry, you're not doing that bad.
- I need to do better. - Whoa, ho, ho.
Nice little arse on that one.
I need that deposit back.
It's non-refundable, mate.
'Ey up. Looks like you boys have got this one in the bag.
- You'll be getting t'drinks in? - Not likely.
Quick as I can earn it my fiancee'll spend it.
Aye, they know how to fleece us, that's for sure.
Here.
She's at my boss's gaff tonight, right, at a party.
He thinks it's Tupperware,
but his cleaner is selling all this...
sex toy, exotic lingerie stuff
to his wife and her poncy friends.
She must be a right slapper.
Whoa!
Calm down.
- This your property, miss? - I wish. I live down the Stone Park Estate.
Why? Thinking of visiting?
Yes, thank you, Dawn.
- Good evening, officers. - Evening.
Well, would you care to come in?
Thank you.
This is my residence.
- Is there a problem? - We had a report that it was being used as a house of...
- .. disrepute. - I beg your pardon?
Oh! Oh, this is ridiculous.
It's probably my mother. Sorry.
Er, it's all above board, officer. I'm the sales rep.
- And what are you selling? - Something a bit bigger than your truncheon.
- Dawn! - Um, I'm selling nightwear
and underwear and marital aids.
Which, as far as I'm aware, is not against the law.
No. Maybe it should be.
So if you don't mind, officer, I'll ask you please to leave.
This is not Greenham Common. This is 1982
and we're women in the throes of a sexual awakening.
Good to know.
Come quick! Nita's collapsed!
- Bloody hell. - We need an ambulance. - Is she hurt?
- What's her name? - Nita Dempsey.
Nita, can you hear me? What happened?
She fainted, banged her head.
Fancy dress, was it?
Yes, something like that.
That's a um...
neck... massager.
Thanks.
- Ooh. - Ooh, that's it, ladies. Treat yourselves.
- Did everyone order? - Yeah, I've got loads of envelopes for Steph.
'Ey, she's given me two.
I reckon I'm going to do it. Put the money towards my wedding.
Right. Who wants to play spin the vibrator?
- Me! - Boob juice for the winner.
Right.
Oh.
What on earth's going on?
- Where's my wife? - Hello, Mr Spakey.
- 'Ey, do you wanna play? - Do you mind!
Mother?
I feel like a right... fool.
- What must t'doctor have thought? - That this was his lucky night.
Mrs Spake, your husband's here to collect you.
- He seemed pretty angry. I've asked him to wait outside. - Oh.
Pauline, thank you for tonight.
- You were brilliant and I'm sorry if I've got you in trouble. - Oh...
Right, Mrs Dempsey, your blood tests are fine.
But I do advise pregnant women to curb their alcohol intake.
- I'm pregnant? - According to your urine test.
Well, I can't be. I've only just had a baby.
I can't be pregnant.
You're pregnant?
Neet, that's wonderful.
I got home to find Linda Godfrey in skimpy underwear which left very little to the imagination.
And I'll never be able to look my mother in the eye again.
How dare you bring this filth into my house.
It's not filth, Brian.
I knew exactly what I was getting myself into.
And do you know what, Brian? I liked it.
I had bloody fun!
I'm sat in this house all day long and I'm bored!
I've got a boring life.
And I didn't properly know it until tonight.
I can't BREATHE in this house!
You're out to work, talking to all and sundry,
and I'm on my own all day long,
planning whether to cook you a turkey fricassee or a chicken chasseur.
Do you want Ovaltine?
What?!
Shut your mouth. You look like a dying trout.
Brian?
Thanks for dropping me at the top of the road.
Course. Don't want your neighbours thinking you've been nicked... again.
- Again?! - Yeah. You seem like the type who might spend most Friday nights in the cells.
- Do I now? - Mm.
Although, to be fair, you're probably a bit better looking than our usual Friday-night crowd.
I suppose that's me out of the selling game.
Yeah? Shame. It looked like it was going so well.
It was until you showed up.
Well, look, if you do decide to give it another go,
I hope I'm the guy to break up the next one.
Your friend dropped it off.
Jesus, Terry.
So, did you make any sales...
.. at your sex party?
The lads down the pub had a great laugh.
My wife selling... dildos to the butcher's wife.
- I'm sorry. I should have told you. - You're no better than a prostitute.
That's a stupid thing to say.
I told you, I don't want my wife selling that stuff.
What about what I want, Terry?
I want to work. I... I want it for... for me, for us.
- You wouldn't be doing it if I hadn't lost my job. - Well, you did.
Then you threw away all of our money. So here we are, Terry.
- You lied to me. - Maybe you should ask yourself why.
It looks like you don't need me at all.
You can explain to him what his precious mother's been up to.
Come on.
Let's go to bed.
OK.
Ooh! Hello, Tigger.
I wondered when you'd bounce in.
- Where's Daddy? - I think Daddy had a sleepover at Uncle Barry's.
Come here, you!
Mum!
♪ .. is one in a million
♪ Eyes can see
♪ That we
♪ Got a highway to the sky
♪ I don't wanna hear your... ♪
I'm making coffee.
Better not. I'm late.
Ooh!
Last night was...
wonderful.
Ooh.
But now you've got that party business out of your system, we can go back to the way things were.
I'll see you tonight.
I just hope the whole town's not talking about it.
Oh, God.
- Neet, that's a lot of money. - It's over £150.
- Bloody hell. - We did it.
You did it.
I should go. My mother's taken to her bed with one of her heads.
- Oh, I'm sorry. - Don't be. It's the best fun I've had in ages.
How are you feeling
after... last night?
Trapped.
So, it wasn't planned then?
I didn't plan for four, let alone five.
- How are you feeling? - Er, well, Terry found out about the party,
- threw a fit and then buggered off. - Oh, love.
Well, he'll come round. Just needs to get it out of his system
- and then he'll come crawling back. - Mm.
Stephanie Kirke.
It is our duty to sexually awaken the women of Sheffield.
Ooh!
You haven't eaten much, Terry. You need a good meal inside you.
Have you heard anything from Steph?
- Leave it, Lisa. - Barry, Steph should be here, begging him to come home.
- She went behind his back -- - I'm really not hungry.
Sorry.
It's none of our business. We can't start taking sides.
- Steph must have had her reasons. - Man up, Barry, for God's sake.
I'll see you after my shift.
Hello?
Steph, I...
Here's that money so you can buy into the cab.
- I earned it from being no better than a prostitute. - Steph --
- If you don't use it for that, use it to pay her. - Hey, hey -- - Let go of me!
♪ Alone in the night as the daylight brings
♪ A cool empty silence
♪ The warmth of your hand and a cold, grey sky
♪ It fades to the distance
♪ The image has gone, only you and I
♪ It means nothing to me
♪ This means nothing to me
♪ Oh, Vienna ♪