Sync and corrections by btsix www.addic7ed.com
Hmm. Let's see what else the cards say.
This card means you're a man.
Okay.
(LAUGHS) No, I'm kidding.
It means you're nice.
I'm learning truth about myself.
(LAUGHS)
Hey, Dad, what if I called you "Papa"?
"I love the sea, Papa!"
How are your card fingers feeling?
That's a weird thing to say, Papa.
Have you seen cards like... this?!
What?
No! Not today!
No Card Wars!
(SPLASH)
She sunk like a stone!
(GROANS)
Ah, there's no time to go back!
The tourney starts in an hour!
BMO is always fine.
I don't understand.
Card Wars... the great and venerable game of old.
It is the king and queen of tabletop games.
It combines the mechanics of simulated combat,
hand management,
commodity speculation,
worker placement,
blind auctioning,
and set collection.
Battle happens in one of four combat lanes,
each deriving its power from one of the 16 themed elements...
Corn, wheat, blue, crystals,
(WAVES ROARING) acumen, torpor, frozen lakes, lizard holes, learning...
(WAVES RUMBLING)
(YAWNS LOUDLY)
That's too many rules.
I don't do cards to follow rules.
But you could be so good!
Daddy's pro-tege!
Of course I'd be good at it, but I'm not into it.
Look, I lost track of how old I am.
Maybe I'm almost 40. I don't know.
I at least need to unpack my last decade
before embarking on my next decade.
I've got to win and be dignified.
20s are for regretting, 30s are for being dignified,
and 40s are older than I ever want to be.
Hmm.
O... kay.
You give me one of your...
bones...
and I'll play one of your games.
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLES) (GROANS)
I activate the Barrel.
I floop the Cooper.
- Mmmwah! - Mmmwah!
Cute!
Welcome, Charlie, to the 59th Card Wars Doubles Classic!
That's Todd and Jennings signing in.
And over there, Benton and Mike R.
Luke and Captain Majesty.
Mr. Outrageous and Mr. International.
Who's that, Papa?
That's... uh... the reigning champs.
Jake?
(WAVES BUILD)
Grand Prix.
Man, I thought you swore off tourney play...
Like, angrily swore it off.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Oh. Uh, pardon.
Hello, Jake.
Is that you, Moniker?
How are you?
- We've been just grea... - Her?
Oh, this is my daughter/ Card Wars partner, Charlie!
'Sup?
That's fantastic, Jake.
You always wanted kids.
Well, she's a chip off the old block, I'll bet.
Us, we're running the local after-school C.W. program...
Just like where you and me first met.
(WAVES RUMBLING)
Most days, we're busy running the screen-printing shop,
but, uh, we still make time for the tourney...
- (RUMBLING FADES) - just for fun, you know.
Yes! We're all here to have fun!
Well, got to sign in.
Come, Charlie!
Nice meeting you.
That's your ex, huh?
What?
Nothing.
You've definitely got a type.
(LAUGHS)
ANNOUNCER: Round 1!
Jake and Charlie... A.K.A. Team Dignified...
Versus Reggie and Pete the punk.
Ohhhh! Blah, blah, blah!
Commence Card Wars!
I floop the Hay Barn, and I attack with Feed Man!
ANNOUNCER: A solid move from the veteran Jake.
I cast Bean Ball Bomba.
Bean Ball!
Bean Ball?!
Feed Man's power source is gone!
No, no, no!
No... big deal.
(INHALES SHARPLY)
Your turn, sweetie.
Okay.
I'll play...
this one.
(BEEP)
(CHUCKLES) "Floop."
(WHIRRRRR!)
Granary Weevil... on your first draw?!
Unprecedented.
And combined with a downed Feed Man,
that means...
ANNOUNCER: He's right... It's Infinite Haymaker!
That's game!
A stunning move from the newcomer Charlie.
She's a real pro-tege.
We win!
Whoo! (LAUGHS) (LAUGHING)
Yeah, I'm out.
What?!
One bone, one game.
But I'm not done burying my 20s.
Do you want more bones? Is that it?!
Nah. I only need one.
Catch ya on the flip, Papa.
(SQUISH!)
(RATTLE!)
Announcer: Round 2 starts in five minutes.
Still dignified.
Psst.
Lost your partner, huh?
Hey, don't worry... we won't tattle.
(TING!)
I will crush you, Grand Prix.
(WIND WHISTLING)
I'm home!
Hey, you two been kissing?
What-what?!
(CREAK!)
Me hungy.
Gomp!
All y'all keep quiet! Charlie's flexin'!
Let's see.
Finally, I've got the hair of the mother
and a bone of the father.
Time to do a rare turbo-boosted personal reading.
Self-care mega-blow.
Announcer: It's the semi-final round,
and Mr. Outrageous has Jake on the ropes.
JAKE: (THINKING) I can still play my Ultra Dog and force a draw.
And while technically a legal move,
it's considered a low-class maneuver
this late in the tourney.
(GROANS)
Jake.
Do it!
I play... Ultra Dog!
Announcer: A shocking move!
Ultra Dog attacks the Tilled Field with "Cold Nose"!
Which means... cat's game!
But by tourney rules,
the slight point lead gives the win to Team Dignified!
They advance to the finals versus Grand Prix and Moniker.
Just a garbage, garbage win.
(CHUCKLES EVILLY)
(GASPS) What am I doing?!
(WAVES RUMBLING)
(CARDS SHUFFLE)
All right. The deck is ripe.
Let's see what the cards say.
Dad! Why are you here?
This one's about me!
(GROANING)
That's too much sandwich! You got to chew!
Gah!
Is this my 20s?
Dad was right.
I've got to fix these "faults of youth."
My 30s?
I look lost.
My 40s.
I'm afraid.
Also, I'm naming you "Gibbon."
My 50s.
Midlife crisis.
Good luck, Gibbon!
My 60s.
I'm unfamiliar with my changing body.
My 70s.
I begin to lose people around me.
My 80s.
I'm afraid again.
My 90s.
I'm content and wise!
Yeah!
Wrinkles!
Oh, no!
I've been a total wand to my dad!
I've got to go help him!
Come on, Jakey. pull it together.
Blah! Win! Win at all costs!
No! I bury you!
Feel your 20s!
No, no, no!
CHARLIE: Be cool.
Mom?
No, Papa. It's your 90-year-old daughter.
You flake!
Be content.
(SCREAMS)
Whoa!
Whoo! Whoo!
Whoop! Whoop! Whoop! Whoop!
(BOTH WHOOPING)
Ka-pow!
Whoop! Yeah!
Whoop! What-what?!
Dignified!
♪
Yeah!
Winners... Grand Prix and Moniker Des Louise.
(WAVES RUMBLING)
(RUMBLING FADES)
Good game, Grand Prix, Moniker.
♪
Sync and corrections by btsix www.addic7ed.com
(CHUCKLES) Okay.