BIRDS SING
MUSIC: The Touch by Stan Bush
♪ You got the touch... ♪
So...
Nestonbury, we meet again.
# You got the power...
♪ Yeah! ♪
HIGH PITCHED BUZZING
♪ You got the touch. ♪
TRIBAL DRUMMING
..you think the same freedom applies
to somebody who has an unendurable, in their judgment, condition?
Would you fuck Paxman?
Repeatedly.
Really?
I thought you liked cool guys with...tattoos.
Oh, I do... (Oh, thank God.)
..but Paxman is another level.
Mmm. The whole quizmaster vibe,
how he never backs down when he knows he's right.
And you know he's packing heat.
That's why they give him such a big desk.
PAXMAN: You are a lover. Borrow Cupid's wings and soar with them.
# You got the touch
♪ You got the power. ♪
All right, dickheads.
Oh...my...God...
Kent effing Blackwell!
All right, mate - lose the hard-on. Sorry.
Alison. That's where my sunglasses went!
Nah. Caught these in Brizzle.
That's what we call Bristol, there.
Sarah.
What? OK.
Anyway...I'm moving back.
Right, so being a DJ worked out, then?
Yeah, totally fucking worked out.
So much so you've come back home?
Yeah. Wow.
A real live DJ living in Nestonbury.
I know, mate. Get used to it. HE LAUGHS
Come for the old room back.
Mate, you can stay as long as you like.
Oh, he can, can he?
Er, it's my shop too!
Chill out, Alan Sugar.
I can pay the rent.
Soon as I get my job back at Bird Zone.
Will they have you back, though?
Didn't you give a pelican some acid?
Yeah.
Tried to fuck a buzzard. HE SNORTS
MUSIC: Party Up by DMX
# Woo! Y'all gon' make me lose my mind
# Up in here, up in here
♪ Y'all gon' make me go... ♪
Things are going to be so epic now Kent's back.
You are such a gimp for him.
No.
He's my oldest friend and he's always had my back.
Like that time he melted all your Warhammer figures?
Yeah, to teach me how sad they were.
Look, Kent's all right.
You're just being all Dawson's Creek about it because you two...
Were fucking pissed and it didn't mean anything.
OK...
Any change, then?
From a tenner?
That's fine.
Mmm...
So what have you chumps been up to?
Still coming here every night and doing the pub quiz on a Thursday?
No. The...
pub quiz was cancelled because...
a lot of the same questions started coming up.
Mostly about Nazis.
Even the music round.
And the picture round. And the...
Nazi round.
So, just kicking round the shop, then?
Thought you were going to India? I am.
I'm just saving up. KENT SNORTS
Obviously doesn't want to go, then. Obviously.
Yeah, fucking do, actually. Especially now you're back.
Well, to get my decks I sold pills.
Probably a bit hardcore for you, though. Yea
No.
No, I'm...I'm well hardcore. I'd...I'd sell pills.
I just don't know anyone that could, like, hook me up.
I do. Want me to text my dealer?
No, no, no - don't worry about it. It's cool...
Brilliant. KENT LAUGHS
Got to through with it now. Yeah.
Sooner the better, mate.
Whoa, whoa, come on, guys.
It's the first time we've all been together in over a year.
We should celebrate that.
With a proper old-school Neston big one.
MUSIC: Bangarang by Skrillex
♪ Still ain't got my marbles. ♪
Great night. Great night.
Classic Neston.
Standard.
♪ Still ain't got my marbles. ♪
Oh, come on, mate. It's only fucking Bird Zone.
All right, Jason. Bye.
Twat. Got your job back, then?
They want me to come in for an interview, which is bollocks,
cos I know for a fact that Danny's got his GCSE mocks coming up,
so they definitely need cover.
Well, they'd be lucky to have you.
Thanks, mate. All right, Morph. A new needle's
I say new - I got it off eBay so it might be a bit wonky.
OK. What?
And it's going in your spine so breathe in. A
Nyyaaah....
HE STRAINS AGAINST THE PAIN
'Morpheus...'
'..listen...'
THUNDER ROLLS
'Morpheus!'
Aargh!
Greetings, Morpheus.
(Sean Bean!)
No. Not actually Sean Bean.
I am your subconscious mind,
manifesting itself into the form you trust the most.
Makes sense.
I am your spirit guide.
And I have a gift from the spirit world.
Really?
Come closer.
Don't be shy.
Come closer.
Agh!
What was that?
A wake-up call, lad.
You've been a right donkey about this Alison lass.
Don't... Don't have feelings for Alison.
So you've never dreamed about taking her to
the top of the Empire State building on Valentine's Day,
waiting till everyone's gone and then losing your virginity
up against the 10 pence telescope?
Hey, I-I lost my virginity when I was 15.
You can't lie to me, lad.
I'm in your head, Morpheus.
Yeah, well, you weren't there then, because I was on my French exchange.
Look, I think we've got off on the wrong foot.
Take a stump.
Ah... This tattoo you're getting -
what's it even of? It's a...
1:5000 scale map of the land of Westeros.
Why you getting that?
Because I like Game Of Thrones.
Obvs. Well, you're pussyfooting around it,
If you want a shot with this Alison you've got to be more assertive.
You know? Confident.
Like Paxman.
What is it with everyone and Paxman?
Just something about him.
He never backs down when he knows he's right.
And you know he's packing heat.
Sean?
(Can I call you Ned?)
Fuck off.
No...
No, wait, Sean...
Sean...
Sean!
SEAN!
Sean!
Oh, shit - I've written "Sean" now.
MUSIC: Dr Greenthumb by Cypress Hill
♪ Hello my name is Dr Greenthumb ♪ Hello
# I'd like to tell you just where I'm from
♪ In the hills... ♪ So...
what's the name of this dealer, anyway?
Supplier.
He deals to the dealers.
His shit's so pure
they call him The Holy Man.
OK.
And what's the punishment, again, if you're caught selling pills?
Dunno about the police,
but when my mum caught me she made me eat all of them.
With her. DOORBELL RINGS
At Glastonbury.
You know, I...I might just wait outside.
You know? Keep watch, in case there's a...
raid. You get your shit together! Yeah, sorry
I am taking a big risk, bringing you here, so just...be cool.
Be...cool.
Got it.
Hi, June.
We're here to see The Holy Man.
He's upstairs.
CHRIS!
ALISON'S HERE!
All right... Hiya.
This is Sarah.
What up?
Oh...
So you WERE serious about a...
menage a...
..three. No.
Well, maybe.
Not now.
Huh.
Nice turtle.
Nah.
She's looking to score.
Yeah, OK.
It's...
the only place Mum won't look.
FLESHLIGHT POPS
You not got any pills left?
No, no, we finished them, didn't we? When we...
At that christening.
Mmm. Mmm.
Oh...
Wasted trip.
Want to smoke a spliff?
Boom.
Erm, wait there.
Got to smoke it out the window
otherwise she'll disconnect my Sky box.
Oh.
So what's the deal with you two? Are you like...
having sex?
I wouldn't call it sex,
but fluids are exchanged.
If you did want to get some pills,
you could always find...
..the stash.
What's...
the stash?
Back in the '90s,
there was a festival, down in Cox's Meadow, called...
..Orbital.
No, wait - Orbital played there.
Festival was called...
The Chemical Brothers.
Anyway, right, there was this bunch of dealers.
They wanted to knock out their pills at the festival,
but they knew they'd never get them past security.
So they formed a plan.
One week before the festival,
they went into the middle of Cox's Meadow,
and buried this fat stash of bangers,
right in the middle of the field.
The festival...
was built up around them.
They bought their tickets.
Walked straight in.
Planned to dig them up and sell them.
(But they never dug them up.)
Because they were murdered?
No. Cos they were murdered!
What?
Wait, no - that's what you just said. No...
got mangled on some old speed - forgot they'd done it.
Rumour has it...
they're still buried there...
..waiting.
So, let's talk Bird Zone.
Kent, I want to take you back,
but things at Bird Zone are a bit different now.
You can't just smoke weed in the staffroom any more.
So it's just like an outside only thing. No,
you're not allowed to be boxed.
What if you didn't see me get stoned,
and I got deodorant and shit?
I'd have to tell Carol.
What happened to you, man?
You're just sucking corporate dick now.
I want to vouch for you, but after the Pelican thing...
Jason, I didn't know it was acid. You did though, didn't you?
You told everyone you were going to do it and you filmed it.
Yeah, because it was fucking funny.
Yeah, it was funny!
So are you going to give me them shifts?
I'll have to speak to Carol about it.
Fucking hell. Jason's turned into a massive shaft.
You're taking the job though, right? Making him sweat.
Sarah wants a hand with them pills anyway. What's all this?
I'm resurrecting Neston's premier pub quiz.
And I want all of you to come. It is going to be insane.
The first letter of every bonus answer spells out a secret word.
Star Wars?
No.
You know, Alison's not going to shag you just because you're
doing a pub quiz. What?
Where the hell are you getting that from?
So, you are not doing this to be like Paxman,
because you know she fancies Paxman? No, that's gibberish.
So, you're just doing a pub quiz for no reason?
Are they new shoes?
Might be.
For no reason? For no reason!
Come on, you silly sausage. Let's go dig up some drugs from the past.
♪ Attention, please Attention, please, motherfuckers. ♪
Can I just say? Digging is shit.
Did the Holy Man give any detail?
He just said they were under a tree.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Yeah, I know, but it's obviously this one.
Oh, just shut up and keep digging.
It's all right for you, you've got a spade.
I've got this...dwarf whatever that is.
If we swap spades, will you stop bitching?
No, I'd rather keep bitching. Yeah, guys, it's nearly six.
It's time to wrap this up. Why? Pub quiz.
You said you'd all come and watch me be the quizmaster.
Yeah, I only said that so you'd help with the digging.
Alison, you love a quiz, don't you? Er...
I'll have to hurry you. Don't know.
Is it any good? Yes. Come on, Kent, back me up
Mmm...
So, it's betrayal. You're just a bunch of Lando Calrissians.
Oh, easy, mate.
I'm going to start walking to the pub.
And you've got a choice -
you can follow me or stay here on
a fool's errand, digging up defunct bangers from the '90s.
Whatever you think is the right thing to do.
DRAMATIC MUSIC
You're never going to find them!
They look gnarly. '90s pills, mate. Suppose
Some of them have got mould on them. What kind of mould grows on Ecstasy?
Fucking trippy mould, mate.
Look, guys, I'm not sure about this. What if we kill someone?
I don't think I could live with that on my conscience.
Holy Man says you get over it.
Well, I bet you're fucking chuffed. What?
Well, you can't sell the pills, so once again you can't go to India.
Come on, Kenty, who's going to buy these?
Mick the Druid?
He probably would, actually.
Came to your senses then? Sorry, what?
Oh, my fucking God, pub quiz!
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, totally.
Fuck's sake, a pound in the pot.
Why? You going to strip for us?
ALL: Sorry.
Found them, then? Yeah, just working out wh
Yeah, because your sister is being a massive nerd about it.
Fuck off, they're covered in mould.
You have no idea what they're going to do to someone. o
What? If there's mould, there's water, which
will have leached out and rendered the tablets totally inert.
What are you saying? Well, they've been there 20 years.
I mean, they're complex long chain molecules.
They would have completely denatured.
I mean, it's basic organic chemistry.
Wow, good knowledge.
Yeah, well... I know a lot of facts, Alison.
Well, are you sure they won't work, like, a little bit?
Watch. Mate, don't even do that.
Why, they're completely harmless.
Right, that's enough now. He seems pretty confident.
I'll show you confidence. Here we go.
Bosh. Bosh. Bosh.
Stop taking Ecstasy! Shan't.
Bosh. Mate, stop it. You stop it!
Bosh.
Bosh! Jesus Christ. Everyone calm down, yeah?
They're not going to work. I know the science.
I read it on the British Pharmacological Society website.
And I'll prove it.
Morph, you're not holding your phone.
I know.
It's Chalky.
That's a pint of coins, mate.
Got it.
OK, guys, welcome.
My name is Morpheus and I'll be your quizmaster this evening.
Can I get a glass of water up here, please?
Now, I appreciate the spirit, but can we keep the team names clean?
As I do have to read them out.
We could just about get away with "Quiz In My Pants",
but new name, please, for -
"My name's Morpheus and I have a boner, especially when I look at
Ah!
That's better.
So, let's get started with Round One.
HE SLURS: Round One.
Sorry, my tongue is hot, hot.
Fuck it, Morph.
Uh, I'll just check my notes.
SQUEAKY VOICE: Jeremy Paxman!
Won't be needing those.
I do it from...
Which capital city is Manchester United?
# Eezer...
# Eezer
# Eezer...
# Eezer Goode, Eezer Goode He's Ebeneezer Goode
♪ Eezer Goode, Eezer Goode He's Ebeneezer Goode. ♪
HE MUMBLES "EEZER GOODE"
Fucking hell.
The Great Wall of China is at which wall?
Answer the question, you... MIC BLEEPS
China, China. Yeah.
What is my grandmother's maiden name?
Morpheus.
Pull yourself together, lad.
I can't, Sean.
My head is broken.
Remember, what would Paxman do?
DRAMATIC MUSIC
HE WHIMPERS
Mate? OK, this is a starter for 10.
Music Round.
Just a snippet.
Snippet. Music. Write it down.
# No reason, just seems so pleasing
# Gonna make you, make you, make you notice
# Gonna use my arms
# Gonna use my legs
# Gonna use my style
# Gonna use my sidestep
♪ Gonna use my fingers... ♪
Gonna take this off now.
♪ My imagination. ♪
Come on. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
What is happening? Wow, wow.
SCREAMING
That's enough!
INDISTINCT SHOUTING
Take it away!
Oh, my God. It burns.
Where am I? Where am I?
Get in there now. Get in there.
You need to chunder right now.
No, Kent, I need to go out there and tell the world how I feel.
I've never felt so in love.
Yeah, because you've had ten pills from the '90s,
and tried wanking off in front of a pub.
You're standing in the way of love, mate.
I'm stopping you making a prick of yourself.
Sarah's right about you.
You've never had my back, have you? I'm going out there.
Tactical chunder, come on! Let the demons out!
Throw up. Never!
Go on, stare at the piss.
Let the piss do the work.
This is a beautiful moment, Kent.
This is what I missed. Right.
I'm going in manually.
HE GARGLES
What the fuck are you doing?
Bonding. I thought that was what we were playing at.
What?
Occupied!
Oh, sorry.
Oh, wait, Jason. Did you talk to Carol?
Yeah. She said she'd...put you on probation.
Probation? That's bullshit.
She says you're...unpredictable.
Where the fuck did she get that from?
I don't know.
HE RETCHES
There we go. Good boy.
Tell her I'll think about it.
There we go. OK. Easy. Easy.
So glad you're back, mate.
No India, then? Nope.
I might just stay here, pretend I'm a DJ.
Oh, I forgot you used to wear bindis.
You kept that? Yeah, for a roach.
Morph?
Fancy a hit?
No.
I'm flying through space at 1,000 miles an hour.
How about a blow back?
Come on.
I'll put the spliff into my mouth, we press lips,
and I gently blow the smoke into yours.
I will do that.