1 00:00:00,763 --> 00:00:03,733 [man reading bottle] 2 00:00:03,834 --> 00:00:07,170 - Hello, doctor's office. - Uh, hey, Doc. 3 00:00:07,271 --> 00:00:07,870 It's been about five hours now. 4 00:00:07,970 --> 00:00:12,676 - Mm-hmm. - And... still... going strong, baby! 5 00:00:12,775 --> 00:00:17,047 Oh, yeah! [laughing] Oh, yeah! 6 00:00:17,147 --> 00:00:20,577 - Ohhhh, yeah. - Oh, yeah. 7 00:00:20,578 --> 00:00:24,008 [intense electronic music] 8 00:00:25,089 --> 00:00:27,489 sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~ 9 00:00:27,490 --> 00:00:29,358 [phone ringing] 10 00:00:29,499 --> 00:00:32,036 - Hello, this is TripTank. - Yes, hello, I walked in on my son 11 00:00:32,136 --> 00:00:35,072 watching your television show with his pants around his ankles. 12 00:00:35,172 --> 00:00:38,008 - Okay. - My son was sitting there, 13 00:00:38,108 --> 00:00:42,212 dressing up his [bleep] like a hot fudge sundae. 14 00:00:42,313 --> 00:00:44,747 If I'm honest, that's not the worst thing he could have been doing. 15 00:00:44,847 --> 00:00:46,616 He had two scoops of ice cream on his lap, 16 00:00:46,716 --> 00:00:49,519 chocolate and caramel sauce, whipped cream. 17 00:00:49,620 --> 00:00:51,488 I don't even want to tell you about the banana. 18 00:00:51,587 --> 00:00:52,990 Please don't tell me about the banana. 19 00:00:53,090 --> 00:00:55,626 - It was right there next to his penis. - Oh, boy. 20 00:00:55,725 --> 00:00:59,129 Here's the topper. A cherry, right on the tip! 21 00:00:59,230 --> 00:01:02,157 [upbeat electronic music] 22 00:01:02,431 --> 00:01:05,149 2x18 - Buck Wild 23 00:01:05,184 --> 00:01:07,114 [steady beeping] 24 00:01:07,214 --> 00:01:09,215 [device beeping] 25 00:01:09,316 --> 00:01:13,019 No, that can't be. Huh? 26 00:01:13,120 --> 00:01:16,256 Steve, I've been waiting for you. 27 00:01:16,357 --> 00:01:20,795 - How... how do you know my name? - I've been watching you. 28 00:01:20,894 --> 00:01:24,230 Do not be afraid. Let me please you. 29 00:01:24,331 --> 00:01:28,601 - I yearn to touch another. - Oh. Oh, wait-wait-wait-wait. 30 00:01:28,702 --> 00:01:30,604 [tapping helmet] It's not safe for me. 31 00:01:30,703 --> 00:01:34,441 I'll protect you. You can breathe in here. It's safe. 32 00:01:34,542 --> 00:01:37,278 - Oh, okay. - What the hell are you doing?! 33 00:01:37,378 --> 00:01:39,712 Gary? Jesus, you scared me. 34 00:01:39,813 --> 00:01:41,815 You remove that helmet, and you're a dead man. 35 00:01:41,915 --> 00:01:44,150 I wasn't... Look, I need this, okay? 36 00:01:44,251 --> 00:01:46,452 - Can you just give us a minute? - Us?! 37 00:01:46,552 --> 00:01:49,712 Steve, there's no one here. You're cracking up, man! 38 00:01:49,747 --> 00:01:52,825 It's space fever. It's got you seeing things. 39 00:01:52,926 --> 00:01:56,363 - But... but... - Hey, listen to me. You're hallucinating. 40 00:01:56,462 --> 00:01:58,164 Your blood pressure's off the [bleep] charts. 41 00:01:58,265 --> 00:02:00,334 Another minute of this, and I'll be sending you 42 00:02:00,335 --> 00:02:03,230 - back to base in a box. - But... but she yearned for me. 43 00:02:03,231 --> 00:02:06,173 Come on. Let's get you back to the pod. 44 00:02:06,272 --> 00:02:08,509 I'm putting you on lockdown until this passes and we get you stable. 45 00:02:08,609 --> 00:02:11,846 Yeah, okay, that's probably a good idea. 46 00:02:13,146 --> 00:02:13,580 [sighs] 47 00:02:13,681 --> 00:02:18,150 What? Huh? 48 00:02:18,251 --> 00:02:22,022 That son of a bitch. I knew she was real! 49 00:02:22,122 --> 00:02:26,159 Gary, you dirty bastard. I saw her first! 50 00:02:26,259 --> 00:02:27,360 [lock rattling] 51 00:02:27,760 --> 00:02:30,953 No! [pounding] 52 00:02:32,232 --> 00:02:35,935 Yeah, we're in rhythm now. Yeah, yeah, that's us. 53 00:02:36,036 --> 00:02:39,601 Oh, oh, that's us. [grunting] [slurps] 54 00:02:40,133 --> 00:02:42,575 [loopy horn music] 55 00:02:45,446 --> 00:02:48,048 All right, gentlemen, let's get your hands out of your pockets 56 00:02:48,147 --> 00:02:50,351 and put some greenery on that scenery. 57 00:02:50,450 --> 00:02:54,788 Welcome to the main stage the very beautiful... Cinnamon. 58 00:02:54,889 --> 00:02:56,990 [bluesy music plays] 59 00:02:57,090 --> 00:03:00,194 - Yawn. I've seen better. - Come on, babe. 60 00:03:00,294 --> 00:03:02,963 Put some gasoline in that dancing machine. 61 00:03:03,063 --> 00:03:04,298 [creaking] 62 00:03:04,397 --> 00:03:06,966 - Oh, talk about two left feet. - Like she has hooves. 63 00:03:07,067 --> 00:03:10,369 - Hey, watch it. - You actually have hooves, 64 00:03:10,471 --> 00:03:13,941 and you dance a hell of a lot better than that. 65 00:03:14,040 --> 00:03:15,276 Oh, what am I watching here? 66 00:03:15,376 --> 00:03:18,812 You know, this is just making me sad. 67 00:03:18,912 --> 00:03:20,280 This is the striptease, [music] 68 00:03:20,379 --> 00:03:24,418 the highest of the terpsichorean art forms, 69 00:03:24,518 --> 00:03:26,787 the dance of goddesses. 70 00:03:26,887 --> 00:03:30,858 The striptease should be sensual and arousing. 71 00:03:30,958 --> 00:03:32,460 This looks like the dance you do 72 00:03:32,560 --> 00:03:34,427 when somebody tells you your aunt died. 73 00:03:34,527 --> 00:03:37,688 - You guys know I can hear you, right? - Oh, yeah? Well, congratulations. 74 00:03:37,723 --> 00:03:40,599 If only you could hear the music, 'cause then maybe you'd realize 75 00:03:40,699 --> 00:03:44,170 - you are nowhere near the beat, sister. - You think this is so easy? 76 00:03:44,270 --> 00:03:47,240 - Why don't you get up here and try it? - Oh, God, now you've done it. 77 00:03:47,341 --> 00:03:49,477 Let a pro show you how this is done. 78 00:03:49,577 --> 00:03:52,312 [upbeat music starts] One, two, three, and bump. 79 00:03:52,412 --> 00:03:53,581 That's where you bump the hip. 80 00:03:53,681 --> 00:03:56,316 - Can you hear that, Paprika? - It's Cinnamon. 81 00:03:56,415 --> 00:03:57,484 Oh, no, you got to earn the right 82 00:03:57,585 --> 00:03:59,286 to be called Cinnamon on my stage, sweetheart. 83 00:03:59,385 --> 00:04:03,324 Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to get down off the stage now. 84 00:04:03,424 --> 00:04:05,359 You know, not every situation calls for violence, 85 00:04:05,459 --> 00:04:08,328 you Neanderthal. Don't make a maniac out of me! 86 00:04:08,427 --> 00:04:10,096 Let him go, Gary. He's kind of helping. 87 00:04:10,197 --> 00:04:12,875 You're damn right I'm helping. Now, shake that ass. 88 00:04:12,910 --> 00:04:14,967 [smack, cheering] See, now we got 'em paying attention. 89 00:04:15,067 --> 00:04:17,903 Come on, shake it, shake it. 90 00:04:18,004 --> 00:04:20,473 There we go. Thanks, scumbag. 91 00:04:20,574 --> 00:04:22,209 But don't forget to show some financial love 92 00:04:22,309 --> 00:04:23,610 to my girl Cinnamon here. 93 00:04:23,709 --> 00:04:25,680 That's right, I called you Cinnamon. [slap] 94 00:04:25,779 --> 00:04:28,715 You've earned it. A quarter?! 95 00:04:28,815 --> 00:04:29,716 How about I put a quarter of my foot up your ass?! 96 00:04:29,817 --> 00:04:30,751 You cheap bastard. 97 00:04:30,851 --> 00:04:32,586 [heavy thud] 98 00:04:32,685 --> 00:04:34,387 Oh, you want a piece of chicken, huh? 99 00:04:34,488 --> 00:04:36,423 Feeling like a tough guy? [patrons screaming] 100 00:04:36,523 --> 00:04:39,527 Get your goddamn feet off my stage. 101 00:04:39,627 --> 00:04:40,327 Ahh! 102 00:04:40,427 --> 00:04:42,163 Hey there, big boy. [smack] 103 00:04:42,263 --> 00:04:45,465 - The first thing you need to do is... - Oh, my God, Steve. 104 00:04:45,566 --> 00:04:47,802 You'll never believe it, man, not in a million years. 105 00:04:47,901 --> 00:04:52,172 - Hold, please. What is it, Roy? - Buck LaFontaine is coming in 106 00:04:52,273 --> 00:04:56,377 - to direct a "TripTank" sketch today. - What?! Buck LaFontaine? 107 00:04:56,477 --> 00:04:58,879 He's my favorite "TripTank" director of all time. 108 00:04:58,978 --> 00:05:02,348 - I grew up watching his sketches. - Yeah, me too, man. 109 00:05:02,449 --> 00:05:04,050 He directed all the classics. 110 00:05:04,151 --> 00:05:06,152 [as a robot] "Robot Vagina-tron." 111 00:05:06,252 --> 00:05:08,128 And the one with that chef that can't stop farting. 112 00:05:08,163 --> 00:05:11,425 Hell, yeah, man, "Bon Appé-toots." [laughs] 113 00:05:11,526 --> 00:05:13,227 Hey, do you remember "Sammy the Nut-Hungry Squirrel"? 114 00:05:13,326 --> 00:05:15,729 Do I remember? "Lick my nuts." 115 00:05:15,828 --> 00:05:19,600 Both: Lick my nuts! Lick my nuts! Lick my nuts! 116 00:05:19,699 --> 00:05:23,469 - Ooh, ooh, quiet, here comes Ashley. - Guys, did you hear?! 117 00:05:23,571 --> 00:05:27,006 Buck LaFontaine is coming into the office today! 118 00:05:27,107 --> 00:05:27,708 Lick my nuts. 119 00:05:27,807 --> 00:05:31,277 All: Lick my nuts! Lick my nuts! 120 00:05:31,377 --> 00:05:32,579 And, sir, you should know, 121 00:05:32,679 --> 00:05:36,050 - I'm a guy that always gives 100%. - Impressive. 122 00:05:36,150 --> 00:05:42,922 But we're looking for someone who says they give 110%. 123 00:05:43,023 --> 00:05:46,427 Well, but if 100% is the maximum possible effort, 124 00:05:46,526 --> 00:05:49,028 I mean, what does that extra 10% even mean? 125 00:05:49,129 --> 00:05:53,634 - It sounds better. - Uh, "it does sound better." 126 00:05:53,734 --> 00:05:57,771 - Okay. I'm a guy that always gives 110%... - No, no, no, no, no. 127 00:05:57,872 --> 00:06:01,408 You already said you're one of those 100% guys. 128 00:06:01,507 --> 00:06:03,443 Okay, well, I wasn't gonna offer this 129 00:06:03,543 --> 00:06:06,612 straight out of the gate, but I'll give you 120%. 130 00:06:06,713 --> 00:06:09,215 120? Ha. That's ridiculous. 131 00:06:09,316 --> 00:06:10,384 It's not even possible. 132 00:06:10,484 --> 00:06:14,355 All right, what if I gave you, say... a 112%? 133 00:06:14,390 --> 00:06:16,557 Hmm, 112. 134 00:06:17,510 --> 00:06:21,733 100 and 12%. 135 00:06:23,263 --> 00:06:24,198 Welcome aboard! 136 00:06:24,297 --> 00:06:25,699 [laughs] 137 00:06:31,437 --> 00:06:35,408 Ever since I was a boy, I wanted four wives. 138 00:06:35,509 --> 00:06:37,177 [sweeping harp music] 139 00:06:37,278 --> 00:06:40,179 [smooching] 140 00:06:40,280 --> 00:06:41,581 [snorts] 141 00:06:41,682 --> 00:06:44,251 [crowd cheering] 142 00:06:44,350 --> 00:06:45,985 Ooh! [chuckling] 143 00:06:46,086 --> 00:06:48,189 You minx. [laughs] 144 00:06:48,288 --> 00:06:51,491 Careful girls, save some for me. [women moaning] 145 00:06:51,591 --> 00:06:55,583 I'm about to jump on the never-ending bang train. 146 00:06:55,618 --> 00:06:58,199 Pelvic thrust times four. 147 00:06:58,299 --> 00:07:01,274 [upbeat music] 148 00:07:03,304 --> 00:07:06,547 Is that a hair... oh, oh, no. [gagging] 149 00:07:06,906 --> 00:07:07,707 [laughing mildly] 150 00:07:07,807 --> 00:07:10,543 For charity. 151 00:07:10,643 --> 00:07:12,413 No, Veronica, you don't look fat. 152 00:07:12,513 --> 00:07:14,314 No, Tammy, your nose doesn't look too big. 153 00:07:14,413 --> 00:07:17,082 No, Sarah, your boobs aren't too small. 154 00:07:17,184 --> 00:07:18,852 Oh... you. 155 00:07:18,951 --> 00:07:20,855 [corny sitcom laughter] 156 00:07:22,956 --> 00:07:24,157 Ugh-ugh, next. 157 00:07:24,256 --> 00:07:24,824 Ugh-ugh, next. 158 00:07:24,925 --> 00:07:25,658 Ugh-ugh, next. 159 00:07:25,759 --> 00:07:27,804 Ugh-ugh... [crunch] Ow! 160 00:07:27,900 --> 00:07:29,602 What's in there? [canned laughter] 161 00:07:29,727 --> 00:07:33,707 Okay, who hasn't [bleep] yet? Huh? 162 00:07:33,742 --> 00:07:35,183 [buzzer sounds] Meh. 163 00:07:35,621 --> 00:07:38,689 [intense electronica] 164 00:07:50,142 --> 00:07:53,579 Buck LaFontaine hasn't directed "TripTank" in 20 years. 165 00:07:53,679 --> 00:07:56,481 - Why is he coming out of retirement now? - It's for charity, man. 166 00:07:56,582 --> 00:07:57,649 All the money raised from the sketch 167 00:07:57,750 --> 00:08:00,319 go to fund a local orphanage or some bullshit. 168 00:08:00,419 --> 00:08:03,188 Oh, that's great! Wait a minute, money raised? 169 00:08:03,289 --> 00:08:04,390 How does that even work? 170 00:08:04,489 --> 00:08:06,558 Seems like the only thing being raised around here are the stakes. 171 00:08:06,659 --> 00:08:08,894 Right this way, Mr. LaFontaine. [laughs] 172 00:08:09,193 --> 00:08:10,727 Whoo, this brings me back, yeah. 173 00:08:10,762 --> 00:08:13,064 Last time I was in this building, I made Lou Diamond Philips 174 00:08:13,065 --> 00:08:15,934 wear a diaper and eat about a dozen live goldfish. 175 00:08:16,035 --> 00:08:17,302 [cackles] Philips. 176 00:08:17,403 --> 00:08:19,605 He's talking about "Goo-Goo Ga Ga Goldfish Gulper"! 177 00:08:19,705 --> 00:08:21,841 Oh, that's my favorite sketch. 178 00:08:21,941 --> 00:08:24,910 Back then, we only used this lobby for smoking opium 179 00:08:25,009 --> 00:08:28,312 and shooting bottle rockets out of our butt cracks. [laughs] 180 00:08:28,412 --> 00:08:29,281 Yeah, a lot of people got burned. 181 00:08:29,380 --> 00:08:32,983 Both: Oh, my God, Buck LaFontaine! 182 00:08:33,084 --> 00:08:37,022 Can you idiots keep it down? Buck is trying to work in here. 183 00:08:37,122 --> 00:08:38,390 Both: [softly] Buck LaFontaine. 184 00:08:38,489 --> 00:08:42,793 [weeping] [squirrel chittering] 185 00:08:42,893 --> 00:08:45,397 But I haven't got a dress. 186 00:08:45,498 --> 00:08:48,400 [sobbing] 187 00:08:51,069 --> 00:08:52,571 [cooing sadly] 188 00:08:52,671 --> 00:09:00,956 [chittering] [uplifting orchestral music] 189 00:09:14,026 --> 00:09:15,794 Oh. 190 00:09:15,893 --> 00:09:16,827 [knock at door] 191 00:09:16,927 --> 00:09:18,028 Oh, dear, the prince has arrived. 192 00:09:18,129 --> 00:09:23,835 I'm here to escort you to the ball, Cinderell... Aah! 193 00:09:23,936 --> 00:09:27,638 [groaning] 194 00:09:27,739 --> 00:09:31,843 Um, are your step-sisters home? A-Any one of them. 195 00:09:31,944 --> 00:09:33,345 You know the one with the wart on her nose? 196 00:09:33,445 --> 00:09:35,146 Does she have any plans tonight? 197 00:09:35,245 --> 00:09:37,249 [energetic music] 198 00:09:38,983 --> 00:09:41,153 ["tropical" music] 199 00:09:41,253 --> 00:09:43,355 - Yeah, the usual. - You got it, Johnny. 200 00:09:43,455 --> 00:09:46,525 Blue Hawaii, two umbrellas, coming right up. 201 00:09:46,624 --> 00:09:50,362 - Whoa, who is that? - Johnny Bahama. 202 00:09:50,461 --> 00:09:53,164 He's the chillest dude from Key West to Kokomo, man. 203 00:09:53,281 --> 00:09:56,568 Nobody's more beach than Johnny Bahama... nobody. 204 00:09:56,668 --> 00:09:59,738 What about him? He seems pretty beach too. 205 00:09:59,837 --> 00:10:03,374 Better saddle up, brother. It's gonna be a beach-off. 206 00:10:03,475 --> 00:10:08,681 Hey, Sandy, rum and Pineapple Hang-Ten. Three umbrellas. 207 00:10:08,781 --> 00:10:09,614 [record scratch] 208 00:10:09,715 --> 00:10:13,651 Well, well, well, Daytona Jack. Been a while. 209 00:10:13,750 --> 00:10:15,252 Aloha. 210 00:10:15,354 --> 00:10:18,590 Yeah, I was down in Aruba. Spent a week on the beach. 211 00:10:18,690 --> 00:10:23,127 - I... love the beach. - I just spent a month in Puerto Rico. 212 00:10:23,228 --> 00:10:25,162 That beach, I really love. 213 00:10:25,263 --> 00:10:27,798 Well, Aruba was kind of my pre-vacation. 214 00:10:27,898 --> 00:10:32,871 In August, I'm going to Cancun... for six years. 215 00:10:32,970 --> 00:10:34,071 Mahalo. 216 00:10:34,172 --> 00:10:37,242 You know, I was born on the beach at Cancun. 217 00:10:37,343 --> 00:10:40,045 It was two-for-one margaritas at Senor Snail's, 218 00:10:40,144 --> 00:10:42,946 and my mom wouldn't leave the wet T-shirt contest 219 00:10:43,047 --> 00:10:45,617 - to go to the hospital. - Margaritas. 220 00:10:45,716 --> 00:10:48,052 That reminds me of the first time I met Jimmy Buffett. 221 00:10:48,153 --> 00:10:50,989 You know what he told me, man? "Life's a beach." 222 00:10:51,089 --> 00:10:52,123 He's a wise man. 223 00:10:52,224 --> 00:10:55,292 I went boogie-boarding with him in Panama City one time. 224 00:10:55,393 --> 00:10:59,328 He gave me his flip-flop. [inhales deeply] 225 00:10:59,330 --> 00:11:03,601 Yeah, well, I have Frankie Avalon's actual foot. 226 00:11:03,701 --> 00:11:05,903 You think you're more beach than me, brah? 227 00:11:06,004 --> 00:11:10,808 Hey, man, if the aqua sock fits... Sandy, scratch that Hang-Ten. 228 00:11:10,908 --> 00:11:14,946 Give me an empty coconut shell full of drink umbrellas. 229 00:11:15,047 --> 00:11:17,148 [munching] 230 00:11:19,216 --> 00:11:20,085 Oh, you think that's beach? 231 00:11:20,185 --> 00:11:24,455 Sandy, give me a sand castle bucket full of tanning oil. 232 00:11:24,556 --> 00:11:28,960 [gulping] 233 00:11:29,060 --> 00:11:30,128 Ahh! 234 00:11:30,228 --> 00:11:31,829 Oh, you want to talk about tanning? 235 00:11:31,930 --> 00:11:32,864 [grunting] 236 00:11:32,964 --> 00:11:34,133 Ah! 237 00:11:34,233 --> 00:11:37,768 I'm literally more tan where my shirt goes. 238 00:11:37,869 --> 00:11:38,970 You want to talk about shirts? 239 00:11:39,071 --> 00:11:43,008 I wear a little, tiny Hawaiian shirt on my balls. 240 00:11:43,108 --> 00:11:44,542 A-bam! 241 00:11:47,345 --> 00:11:51,583 Not bad, Johnny. But there's one thing you should know. 242 00:11:51,683 --> 00:11:54,619 [grunting] 243 00:11:56,220 --> 00:11:59,056 That's right. I shit live hermit crabs. 244 00:11:59,157 --> 00:11:59,624 [laughs] 245 00:11:59,725 --> 00:12:01,759 Dude, how? 246 00:12:01,859 --> 00:12:05,462 I... am... the beach! 247 00:12:05,562 --> 00:12:10,202 The [bleep] you say! No! Father, avenge me! 248 00:12:10,302 --> 00:12:13,105 [conch reverberating] 249 00:12:13,205 --> 00:12:16,141 I'm coming, Son! 250 00:12:16,240 --> 00:12:18,109 [people screaming] 251 00:12:18,209 --> 00:12:20,712 Hum-a-hum-a-nuk-a-nuk-a- op-a-wa-ha! 252 00:12:20,811 --> 00:12:22,880 [people screaming] 253 00:12:26,284 --> 00:12:28,820 Yeah, I guess that guy's pretty beach. 254 00:12:28,921 --> 00:12:30,022 [laugh track] 255 00:12:30,122 --> 00:12:31,923 [upbeat music] 256 00:12:32,023 --> 00:12:34,225 Ooh, ha-ha-ha. 257 00:12:34,325 --> 00:12:37,996 Uh-oh, now what did you do? 258 00:12:38,095 --> 00:12:38,662 [audience gasps] 259 00:12:38,763 --> 00:12:39,663 [women groaning] 260 00:12:39,763 --> 00:12:43,502 [bell dinging] 261 00:12:46,504 --> 00:12:47,773 [giggling hoarsely] 262 00:12:47,873 --> 00:12:50,074 Looks like I should have gotten off the bang train 263 00:12:50,173 --> 00:12:54,046 a few stops earlier. Choo-choo! 264 00:12:54,146 --> 00:12:56,681 [sitcom laughter] Am I right, ladies? 265 00:12:56,781 --> 00:12:58,883 First dad joke. 266 00:13:15,501 --> 00:13:19,105 Oh, my God, Steve, Steve... 267 00:13:19,204 --> 00:13:20,405 Oh, my God, Steve, 268 00:13:20,505 --> 00:13:22,408 I just took me a whiz next to the master himself. 269 00:13:22,507 --> 00:13:25,711 Oh, my God, that's amazing. Did you get a look at it? 270 00:13:25,810 --> 00:13:27,712 No, but I saw its shadow. 271 00:13:27,813 --> 00:13:31,015 - It looked like a Goddamn Brontosaurus. - Whoa. 272 00:13:31,116 --> 00:13:32,190 [laughing] 273 00:13:32,769 --> 00:13:33,870 Excuse me, Mr. LaFontaine, 274 00:13:33,970 --> 00:13:35,971 I'm supposed to take your lunch order. 275 00:13:36,072 --> 00:13:39,074 [chuckles] Let me tell you a story about lunch, kid. 276 00:13:39,174 --> 00:13:42,343 So I'm in Thailand shooting a thing with Rebecca De Mornay. 277 00:13:42,443 --> 00:13:45,396 Now, back then, if you wanted to smuggle something into 278 00:13:45,397 --> 00:13:48,349 southern Asia, it had to go, boop, right up your keister. 279 00:13:48,449 --> 00:13:51,320 [thinking] And there I was, standing in front of Buck LaFontaine 280 00:13:51,420 --> 00:13:54,556 as he was telling me one of his legendary Hollywood stories. 281 00:13:54,656 --> 00:13:56,491 I didn't know it then, but I could certainly say now, 282 00:13:56,592 --> 00:13:58,760 that that was the best day of my life. 283 00:13:58,861 --> 00:14:00,630 Little did I know that those mariachis 284 00:14:00,730 --> 00:14:03,866 had replaced my parachute with a stack of King James Bibles. 285 00:14:03,966 --> 00:14:06,369 Until I noticed that his fly was down. 286 00:14:06,468 --> 00:14:08,403 And at that moment, I had to make a split-second decision, 287 00:14:08,504 --> 00:14:13,208 a decision that would alter the course of the rest of my life. 288 00:14:13,308 --> 00:14:16,478 Four different types of mayonnaise, if you can believe it. 289 00:14:16,578 --> 00:14:18,046 Excuse me, Mr. LaFontaine. 290 00:14:18,146 --> 00:14:20,248 I think you accidentally left you fly down. 291 00:14:20,348 --> 00:14:22,784 Ha-ha. That's no accident, son. 292 00:14:22,885 --> 00:14:24,520 I had the zippers removed from every pair of pants I own. 293 00:14:24,620 --> 00:14:27,423 Saves me at least a half an hour a day. 294 00:14:27,524 --> 00:14:28,890 [laughing] 295 00:14:28,991 --> 00:14:30,425 Wow. 296 00:14:30,525 --> 00:14:31,592 Damn, I never thought of that... that's genius. 297 00:14:31,693 --> 00:14:33,062 So can I get you anything from the food truck? 298 00:14:33,161 --> 00:14:34,129 Nothing for me, kid. 299 00:14:34,230 --> 00:14:37,599 - I'm eating beaver for lunch. - Hell, yeah! 300 00:14:37,698 --> 00:14:40,535 Well, I'm just thinking, i I go and get my cosmetology degree, 301 00:14:40,636 --> 00:14:42,637 then I can starting doing... [music changes] 302 00:14:42,737 --> 00:14:45,006 Oh, that's my song! 303 00:14:45,106 --> 00:14:49,611 - Whoo! - Oh, yeah, that's my jam. 304 00:14:49,712 --> 00:14:52,481 Let's make it rain up in here, you lonely bastards. 305 00:14:52,581 --> 00:14:53,650 [loopy horn notes] 306 00:15:01,894 --> 00:15:02,928 [grunts] Uhh! 307 00:15:03,029 --> 00:15:05,365 Sir William of Barry. Ha-ha, you old goat! 308 00:15:05,465 --> 00:15:09,000 What brings you to the Tower of Dragos? 309 00:15:09,101 --> 00:15:10,535 Same as you. Gonna kill Dragos. 310 00:15:10,635 --> 00:15:12,204 You know, bring peace to the realm. 311 00:15:12,304 --> 00:15:14,207 How about you? How are your other quests? 312 00:15:14,307 --> 00:15:17,742 Pretty good. I killed a warlock, and I [bleep]-ed a Chimera. 313 00:15:17,842 --> 00:15:20,246 Look at you. I sucked off a Kraken. 314 00:15:20,346 --> 00:15:21,914 That is so awesome. 315 00:15:23,381 --> 00:15:24,416 On three. 316 00:15:24,516 --> 00:15:25,984 Both: One, two, three! 317 00:15:26,084 --> 00:15:28,353 Oh, you mother-[bleep]. 318 00:15:28,454 --> 00:15:32,525 - Oh, shit! - Hey, Dragos. 319 00:15:32,625 --> 00:15:35,829 [dragon screeching] Ah, son of a bitch! 320 00:15:35,928 --> 00:15:38,831 - Sorry about that. Had to do it. - Hey, no worries, mate. 321 00:15:38,930 --> 00:15:40,999 I kind of always knew I'd die by betrayal. 322 00:15:41,100 --> 00:15:42,201 Well, the realm's safe. 323 00:15:42,300 --> 00:15:45,203 I guess you can go on back to your family now. 324 00:15:45,303 --> 00:15:47,906 - Nothing left to slay. - Shit. 325 00:15:48,006 --> 00:15:52,544 I mean... yay. My family. 326 00:15:52,605 --> 00:15:53,972 [children screaming] 327 00:15:54,072 --> 00:15:54,908 - Father. - Papa's home. 328 00:15:55,008 --> 00:15:55,875 Daddy! 329 00:15:55,975 --> 00:15:56,909 [children clamoring] 330 00:15:57,009 --> 00:15:59,879 Is it true? You climbed into the butt of a warlock 331 00:15:59,979 --> 00:16:01,180 and you blew him up? 332 00:16:01,279 --> 00:16:04,583 Whoa-ho-ho-ho. Those are just... legends. 333 00:16:04,683 --> 00:16:07,952 I've heard a lot of legends since you've been gone, Ian. 334 00:16:08,053 --> 00:16:11,791 Mostly ones about you shagging horrible creatures and elves. 335 00:16:11,890 --> 00:16:14,926 I never had sex with an elf... during this quest. 336 00:16:15,027 --> 00:16:18,163 Look, Sandra, baby, I know I haven't been around much, 337 00:16:18,264 --> 00:16:19,765 but the realm is safe now. 338 00:16:19,865 --> 00:16:21,900 - We can start over. - Really? 339 00:16:22,000 --> 00:16:23,403 [laughs] 340 00:16:23,503 --> 00:16:25,571 You're all of a sudden going to be a family man, 341 00:16:25,670 --> 00:16:29,508 be a father, a husband, without no creatures on the side? 342 00:16:29,609 --> 00:16:34,080 Provide for us, be here all day, every day? 343 00:16:34,179 --> 00:16:35,313 [singsong] I brought presents. 344 00:16:35,413 --> 00:16:36,348 [children cheer] 345 00:16:36,448 --> 00:16:38,918 For Matilda, the wings of a harpy. 346 00:16:39,018 --> 00:16:43,055 - Will they make me fly? - No, they're just dead, cut-off wings. 347 00:16:43,155 --> 00:16:46,091 And for Connor and Jack, we've got goblin swords. 348 00:16:46,192 --> 00:16:47,927 - Yay! Swords! - Yay! 349 00:16:48,027 --> 00:16:50,630 - Agh! It's in me! - My penis! 350 00:16:50,730 --> 00:16:53,399 Great, Ian! Real responsible! 351 00:16:53,499 --> 00:16:55,534 Give our children weapons, right?! 352 00:16:55,634 --> 00:16:58,870 Honestly, and what did you get me, huh? Another mouth to feed? 353 00:16:58,971 --> 00:17:02,674 A nudie picture of some owl-bear you're banging? 354 00:17:02,775 --> 00:17:07,512 Or the same thing you always get me... STDs and side of nothing! 355 00:17:07,614 --> 00:17:11,483 Of course I got you something. Don't play me like that. 356 00:17:11,584 --> 00:17:14,253 Look, I've got you... this? 357 00:17:14,353 --> 00:17:17,856 A gorgon head? What the hell am I gonna do with... 358 00:17:17,956 --> 00:17:19,424 [gasps] 359 00:17:19,525 --> 00:17:21,094 Oh, don't look at... don't look at that. 360 00:17:21,193 --> 00:17:22,662 Whoa-oh, oopsies. 361 00:17:22,761 --> 00:17:23,996 Don't look, I've got to put it back in the sack. 362 00:17:24,096 --> 00:17:26,298 - Get it, Daddy, get... - Don't look, don't look. 363 00:17:26,398 --> 00:17:31,069 No. No, what have I... what have I done? 364 00:17:31,170 --> 00:17:32,571 [dramatic music] 365 00:17:32,671 --> 00:17:35,274 I'm just going on a quest to save my family! 366 00:17:35,374 --> 00:17:37,009 They were all turned to stone! 367 00:17:37,108 --> 00:17:38,713 I don't know how it happened. 368 00:17:40,483 --> 00:17:42,018 [phone ringing] Hello, TripTank. 369 00:17:42,118 --> 00:17:45,255 Hello, Steven. This is the network calling. 370 00:17:45,354 --> 00:17:46,654 Oh, what can I do for you? 371 00:17:46,755 --> 00:17:48,291 I just wanted you to know that everyone is delighted 372 00:17:48,390 --> 00:17:52,995 with the job you've all been doing, so no one needs to die. 373 00:17:53,094 --> 00:17:53,895 Did you say "die"? 374 00:17:53,995 --> 00:17:57,766 "TripTank" is fun and funny. Punishments and vivisections 375 00:17:57,867 --> 00:18:02,472 - are completely unnecessary... for now. - Oh, that's... great? 376 00:18:02,572 --> 00:18:04,040 So just keep up the good work, Steve. 377 00:18:04,139 --> 00:18:06,475 And try not to think about the terrible consequences 378 00:18:06,574 --> 00:18:09,578 that befall those who fail us. [laughing hoarsely] 379 00:18:10,914 --> 00:18:14,250 - I mean, good-bye. - Okay, bye-bye. 380 00:18:14,351 --> 00:18:15,984 "Bye-bye"? Why the hell would I say bye-bye? 381 00:18:16,084 --> 00:18:19,488 Who says bye-bye? God, Steve, you're an idiot. 382 00:18:19,589 --> 00:18:20,656 [banging, clattering] 383 00:18:20,755 --> 00:18:21,823 Hey, what's going on in there? 384 00:18:21,924 --> 00:18:23,526 Oh, my God, it's a total disaster. 385 00:18:23,626 --> 00:18:26,562 Buck's lost his mind. He's off the reservation. 386 00:18:26,661 --> 00:18:28,898 He thought the camera was a coffeemaker, man. 387 00:18:28,998 --> 00:18:30,799 He replaced the microphone with a live snake. 388 00:18:30,899 --> 00:18:34,102 He's got the key grip doing the dolly grip's job. 389 00:18:34,203 --> 00:18:36,938 - What?! That's crazy! - Guys, I don't know. 390 00:18:37,040 --> 00:18:39,041 Maybe Buck's not the director he used to be. 391 00:18:39,140 --> 00:18:41,444 Man, if this sketch isn't the best thing he's ever done, 392 00:18:41,543 --> 00:18:43,145 they're gonna shut down that orphanage. 393 00:18:43,245 --> 00:18:44,714 [both gasp] Wait, what? 394 00:18:44,813 --> 00:18:47,637 Again, it just seems like that's just a dramatic kind of... 395 00:18:47,672 --> 00:18:48,885 [crashing, screaming] 396 00:18:48,985 --> 00:18:51,463 Oh, that's bad. 397 00:18:51,498 --> 00:18:53,056 [engine revving] 398 00:18:53,156 --> 00:18:56,025 [upbeat electronic music] 399 00:19:04,881 --> 00:19:08,052 You guys, I'm really nervous about this screening. 400 00:19:08,152 --> 00:19:09,886 Remember, if this sketch isn't great, 401 00:19:09,987 --> 00:19:11,688 them poor orphans are out on their tits. 402 00:19:11,787 --> 00:19:14,857 It's gonna be a dirty-ass crying shame. Crying shame. 403 00:19:14,959 --> 00:19:16,326 Can one of you please explain, step by step, 404 00:19:16,427 --> 00:19:20,330 how a "TripTank" sketch could in any way affect an orphanage? 405 00:19:20,430 --> 00:19:22,164 Let's roll it. 406 00:19:22,265 --> 00:19:24,168 [film reel whirring] 407 00:19:24,267 --> 00:19:27,171 [dramatic music] 408 00:19:27,270 --> 00:19:28,738 Bring forth the condemned. 409 00:19:35,211 --> 00:19:37,546 [crowd jeering] 410 00:19:37,646 --> 00:19:40,316 Grayclaw, before I hand down your sentence, 411 00:19:40,417 --> 00:19:41,218 I must go on record and say 412 00:19:41,317 --> 00:19:42,853 that the gruesome depictions 413 00:19:42,952 --> 00:19:47,123 of mutilation and cannibalism at these proceedings 414 00:19:47,223 --> 00:19:52,194 has turned my pyloric stomach inside out. 415 00:19:52,295 --> 00:19:53,464 You're a monster! 416 00:19:53,564 --> 00:19:55,098 Yes, I'm a monster. 417 00:19:55,198 --> 00:19:59,335 Monster you needed to snap out of your delusion called society. 418 00:19:59,436 --> 00:20:02,573 The only crime we commit is this great lie called order. 419 00:20:02,672 --> 00:20:05,808 Order's a slave to chaos, and I am its prophet. 420 00:20:05,909 --> 00:20:09,211 Your laws are crimes. You are all guilty! 421 00:20:09,312 --> 00:20:12,615 Enough. Grayclaw, I hereby sentence you to death... 422 00:20:12,716 --> 00:20:17,388 the execution to be carried out immediately. 423 00:20:17,488 --> 00:20:20,423 This is why your kind will always burn, Grayclaw. 424 00:20:20,524 --> 00:20:21,458 Laws are an agreement. 425 00:20:21,557 --> 00:20:24,027 [all screaming] Who's talking? 426 00:20:25,061 --> 00:20:29,031 No. Please... ohhhhh! 427 00:20:29,132 --> 00:20:31,901 Whyyyy? 428 00:20:32,001 --> 00:20:35,371 [whispering] Sweet oblivion, here I come. 429 00:20:38,374 --> 00:20:41,711 [laughing heartily] 430 00:20:41,812 --> 00:20:44,480 - I love it, I love it! - Beautiful! 431 00:20:44,581 --> 00:20:47,417 - Yeah! - Wonderful! Tour de force! 432 00:20:47,517 --> 00:20:49,919 Buck LaFontaine is back on top. 433 00:20:50,018 --> 00:20:51,255 The orphanage is saved! 434 00:20:51,354 --> 00:20:53,724 - Now, where's my lunch? - I've got it, Buck. 435 00:20:53,725 --> 00:20:55,445 sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~ 436 00:20:55,467 --> 00:20:57,863 The striptease should be sensual and arousing. 437 00:20:57,962 --> 00:21:01,871 You're dancing like you got a piece of shit in your shoe or something. 438 00:21:01,906 --> 00:21:05,352 The dance you're doing looks like... like she just had foot surgery. 439 00:21:05,387 --> 00:21:07,421 This looks like the dance you do with, 440 00:21:07,422 --> 00:21:10,474 you've got so fat ass, it looks like you pooped your pants.