1
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Ripped & Corrected By mstoll
2
00:00:27,080 --> 00:00:28,752
Open your mouth.
3
00:00:34,800 --> 00:00:37,314
Can you remember
how that tastes?
4
00:00:38,240 --> 00:00:39,468
Yeah, but erm...
5
00:00:39,520 --> 00:00:41,511
- Incoming!
- Ah.
6
00:00:45,240 --> 00:00:46,832
Bit of warning next time.
7
00:00:46,880 --> 00:00:51,590
Is that canapé more tasty,
less tasty, or the same?
8
00:00:51,640 --> 00:00:52,914
Hmm.
9
00:00:52,960 --> 00:00:54,075
More tasty.
10
00:00:55,440 --> 00:00:58,671
More tasty, less tasty,
or the same?
11
00:00:58,720 --> 00:01:00,551
Erm... more tasty?
12
00:01:01,360 --> 00:01:04,511
Oh, wait, that was the same
as the last one.
13
00:01:04,560 --> 00:01:06,357
You should have said,
"The same".
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Come on, Judy,
take it seriously.
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Please don't think
I'm not grateful
16
00:01:10,680 --> 00:01:12,671
for you offering to cater, Mum.
17
00:01:12,720 --> 00:01:17,157
When Mike down The Nelson told
me the kitchen was being done up
18
00:01:17,200 --> 00:01:20,112
the exact week that you
and Leo are getting married...
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00:01:20,600 --> 00:01:23,319
well, I thought - destiny.
20
00:01:23,360 --> 00:01:25,191
It's just I don't know
if this is helping.
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00:01:25,240 --> 00:01:28,755
- How else will I get it right?
- Mum, you always get it right.
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That'll be the next lot.
I hope you've left room.
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00:01:35,640 --> 00:01:37,312
I don't know how much more
I can take.
24
00:01:37,360 --> 00:01:40,397
This is like vol-au-vent Russian
roulette. What am I gonna do?
25
00:01:40,440 --> 00:01:41,589
Don't ask me.
26
00:01:41,640 --> 00:01:44,950
I'm busy doing the finishing
touches to your hen night.
27
00:01:45,000 --> 00:01:47,514
Do you think she'll be offended
if I ask somebody else?
28
00:01:49,120 --> 00:01:52,669
I know not everyone likes liver.
29
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So I thought, "Why not mix liver
with things people do like?"
30
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Liver and chocolate.
31
00:02:01,600 --> 00:02:04,114
- Jackie, you like chocolate.
- Carbs.
32
00:02:08,800 --> 00:02:10,950
I've been on stags
you wouldn't believe.
33
00:02:11,520 --> 00:02:14,830
Strippers punching out the best
man in a rundown theme pub.
34
00:02:14,880 --> 00:02:17,030
20-stone blokes crying
their eyes out at 4am
35
00:02:17,080 --> 00:02:19,310
- on Scotswood Bridge.
- You're not coming to mine.
36
00:02:19,360 --> 00:02:22,796
Remember drinks after work when
I blagged you into the casino?
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I lost half a month's wages.
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00:02:24,520 --> 00:02:25,748
You loved it.
39
00:02:25,800 --> 00:02:28,439
And when we had to stay late
and to kill time we re-played
40
00:02:28,480 --> 00:02:31,597
the entire 1987 BDO Darts
Championship, match for match?
41
00:02:31,640 --> 00:02:34,359
Still don't see
why I had to be Eric Bristow.
42
00:02:34,400 --> 00:02:37,119
Look, my point is,
when I'm there, fun happens.
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00:02:37,600 --> 00:02:40,797
- When I'm not there?
- OK. OK, you can come.
44
00:02:40,840 --> 00:02:44,037
But I have to warn you, James
could be planning anything.
45
00:02:44,080 --> 00:02:46,071
It might get... intense.
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I can do intense.
47
00:02:53,040 --> 00:02:55,031
Don't say I didn't warn you.
48
00:02:55,080 --> 00:02:57,435
So, what's Judy doing
for her hen?
49
00:02:58,160 --> 00:03:01,152
I am not drinking out of a straw
with a cock on the end of it.
50
00:03:01,200 --> 00:03:05,512
I am definitely not gonna be
wearing a pink cowboy hat.
51
00:03:05,560 --> 00:03:08,154
And I am definitely not
sucking whipped cream
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00:03:08,200 --> 00:03:11,237
out of the chest hair
of some moonlighting PE teacher
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dressed as a naughty fireman.
54
00:03:12,680 --> 00:03:15,399
Come on, Pam, who's to say
Jackie hasn't planned
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something classy,
restrained and tasteful?
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00:03:18,120 --> 00:03:20,190
Thank God you're here
to soak up the madness.
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00:03:20,880 --> 00:03:23,189
I'll just take this lot out
and then we're ready.
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- What's this?
- You were taking the bins out.
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Oh, this isn't my rubbish.
But it was in my bin.
60
00:03:51,960 --> 00:03:55,191
But whose could it be?
Let's have a look, shall we?
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Coffee grounds, a stack of menus
with the word "menu" misspelled,
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00:04:02,320 --> 00:04:05,995
stale cupcakes covered in
what looks like minced beef.
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00:04:06,040 --> 00:04:08,554
It's like it's come
from some sort of café.
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00:04:08,600 --> 00:04:09,874
Tasty Tony.
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00:04:09,920 --> 00:04:12,150
This is the fourth time
this week.
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My bin says "Salon", his "Café".
How's that difficult?
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00:04:14,640 --> 00:04:18,155
Anj, the thing with Tony is,
if you want something doing,
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- it's best to do it yourself.
- Do you think this is funny?
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00:04:20,920 --> 00:04:22,911
Well, it's only a bin, Anj.
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00:04:22,960 --> 00:04:24,473
My bin that I pay for.
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Right, I'll have a word.
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What, you want us to go now?
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Uh-uh, now.
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00:04:40,040 --> 00:04:41,439
This stag do...
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You mean the stag do
to end all stag dos.
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Stagmageddon. Stagpocalypse.
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00:04:46,480 --> 00:04:48,072
It's not gonna be mucky,
is it?
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00:04:48,120 --> 00:04:52,033
Mucky? Dad, how can you think
so little of me?
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00:04:52,080 --> 00:04:54,753
Cos I found this -
James's secret stag plans.
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00:04:56,200 --> 00:04:57,315
Secret.
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00:04:58,520 --> 00:05:01,353
- Whoa. Look at you two.
- Fit!
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00:05:01,400 --> 00:05:03,516
These... are yours.
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00:05:03,560 --> 00:05:04,959
Eh?
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You put them in my bin. Again.
85
00:05:06,840 --> 00:05:08,159
Uh-oh. Bin wars.
86
00:05:08,200 --> 00:05:10,634
I pay for that bin, but
if it's full of your rubbish,
87
00:05:10,680 --> 00:05:13,478
that means I need to pay
for another bin with my money!
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00:05:13,520 --> 00:05:15,670
I told James to put it
in the right bin.
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I am dangerously undertrained.
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I don't care whose fault it was,
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it just doesn't happen again.
Understood?
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Yes.
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Oh, there's your cab.
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00:05:25,840 --> 00:05:28,752
So, what do you reckon?
Karaoke in a rough pub
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00:05:28,800 --> 00:05:31,075
or chicken in a basket
down the bingo?
96
00:05:31,120 --> 00:05:33,270
I don't know, Pam.
They're your family.
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00:05:35,720 --> 00:05:37,756
And no mucky stuff
on this stag do.
98
00:05:37,800 --> 00:05:39,518
Uh...
99
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No rubbish in the salon bins.
No muck on the stag do.
100
00:05:45,720 --> 00:05:47,472
Let's stag!
101
00:05:50,080 --> 00:05:52,071
I cannot wait to get mortal.
102
00:05:52,120 --> 00:05:53,235
Mortal?
103
00:05:53,280 --> 00:05:56,078
Shitface. Pissed.
Wasting NHS resources.
104
00:05:56,120 --> 00:05:58,031
Flat on my back
and fighting the pavement.
105
00:05:58,080 --> 00:06:00,833
- It's not gonna be like that.
- Tonight anything can happen.
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00:06:00,880 --> 00:06:03,348
You and you are gonna love
what I've got planned.
107
00:06:06,480 --> 00:06:08,789
Sorry I'm late.
Got room for one more?
108
00:06:08,840 --> 00:06:10,432
- Hiya.
- More the merrier.
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00:06:10,480 --> 00:06:12,391
- But she's a girl. No offence.
- See?
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Told you they'd notice.
111
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Whoa. You cannot have a girl
on a stag do.
112
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- What if we want to be... rude?
- You want rude?
113
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I'll make you blush
like a vicar in a gloryhole.
114
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- It's not gonna be like that.
- It's my stag. She's coming.
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This is an all-male environment
where male things happen.
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Manly things.
117
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All-male men doing manly things
to another man.
118
00:06:40,680 --> 00:06:43,911
- She's going for it!
- Just like your mam.
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Wow.
120
00:06:46,280 --> 00:06:47,713
Oh, oh, yes!
121
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- I think she'll keep up.
- Welcome aboard.
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Lucky for you
there was a no-show.
123
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But don't come crying
when things get staggy.
124
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So... who's ready
for Leo's stag do?
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I said...
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- Shoes.
- Who's ready for Leo's stag do?
127
00:07:12,000 --> 00:07:16,596
No, Mum, grab a big plate.
Pile it high. Here you go.
128
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How great is this place?
You can eat as much as you want.
129
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I'm not sure it'll be much.
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Are you mad?
They've got everything -
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curry, sweet and sour, meat.
132
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After all this healthy eating,
I deserve a night of greasy fun.
133
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All those healthy diet pills.
134
00:07:32,720 --> 00:07:34,517
I could do this
for your wedding.
135
00:07:34,560 --> 00:07:36,676
Piles of everything.
136
00:07:36,720 --> 00:07:39,075
Sometimes less is more, Mum.
137
00:07:39,760 --> 00:07:43,036
First things first.
Stag uniforms.
138
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Oh, no.
139
00:07:44,400 --> 00:07:47,358
Oh, yes.
Customised and everything.
140
00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:49,550
Get 'em on. Here we go.
141
00:07:49,600 --> 00:07:52,068
One for you and catch.
142
00:07:52,120 --> 00:07:53,758
- Snog a stranger?
- Yeah.
143
00:07:53,800 --> 00:07:55,233
That's a standard night out.
144
00:07:55,280 --> 00:07:57,840
Piggy-back race on a fat man?
What is this?
145
00:07:57,880 --> 00:08:00,155
Stag check list.
Do one and you tick it off.
146
00:08:00,200 --> 00:08:04,557
Streak across... Rynek Glowny?
What's a Rynek Glowny?
147
00:08:04,600 --> 00:08:06,352
It's the main square in Krakow.
148
00:08:07,800 --> 00:08:10,109
In Poland.
149
00:08:10,160 --> 00:08:12,310
- You didn't?
- Oh, mate. He did.
150
00:08:12,360 --> 00:08:15,432
Oh, I did. I saved the coupons
from the paper,
151
00:08:15,480 --> 00:08:19,109
bought the cheap plane tickets
and we are invading Poland.
152
00:08:21,120 --> 00:08:25,113
Poland. Where we'll be going
go-kart racing,
153
00:08:25,160 --> 00:08:26,798
visit a beer festival
154
00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:30,879
and enjoy cheap strippers
all night.
155
00:08:31,640 --> 00:08:33,312
24 hours of madness
then back home.
156
00:08:33,360 --> 00:08:34,918
Mate, you legend!
157
00:08:34,960 --> 00:08:37,315
I honestly thought we'd just end
up down The Nelson.
158
00:08:37,360 --> 00:08:38,475
No.
159
00:08:38,520 --> 00:08:40,988
- These are for yesterday.
- No way, man.
160
00:08:41,040 --> 00:08:43,110
Because today it's...
161
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Shit.
162
00:08:47,960 --> 00:08:49,075
Shit.
163
00:08:50,600 --> 00:08:53,353
What about the go-karting
and discount strippers?
164
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And all that Polish sausage?
165
00:08:55,000 --> 00:08:58,470
- How can you get dates wrong?
- It's OK, mate.
166
00:08:58,520 --> 00:09:00,670
Anyone could have made
that mistake.
167
00:09:00,720 --> 00:09:02,472
- But we can still have a stag.
- How?
168
00:09:02,520 --> 00:09:04,875
- Just go down The Nelson.
- Aye. Aye.
169
00:09:04,920 --> 00:09:06,194
- Oh, come on.
- No way.
170
00:09:06,240 --> 00:09:07,992
Nah, it's not over yet.
171
00:09:08,040 --> 00:09:09,917
It's over.
I messed up the tickets.
172
00:09:09,960 --> 00:09:11,359
Have you got more booze?
173
00:09:11,400 --> 00:09:14,392
Obvs. I got it for the coach
to the airport.
174
00:09:14,440 --> 00:09:16,590
Break that out.
Get everyone good and pissed.
175
00:09:16,640 --> 00:09:18,551
Stag, get your tee-shirt on.
176
00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:22,639
You. If he's still sober when
I get back, there'll be trouble.
177
00:09:22,680 --> 00:09:25,513
- Big fella. Come with me.
- Yes, ma'am.
178
00:09:25,560 --> 00:09:28,120
W-W-W-Wait. I don't understand.
What's going on?
179
00:09:28,160 --> 00:09:30,310
If we can't go to Poland,
I'll bring it here.
180
00:09:30,360 --> 00:09:33,079
Well, that all sounds
like a lovely story but...
181
00:09:36,400 --> 00:09:38,436
There you go.
That's one ticked off.
182
00:09:38,480 --> 00:09:40,789
And before the rest of you start
getting ideas,
183
00:09:40,840 --> 00:09:43,354
that was purely pity.
Right, c'mon.
184
00:09:44,400 --> 00:09:46,595
- She's your boss?
- I know.
185
00:09:48,800 --> 00:09:49,994
Hi.
186
00:09:50,040 --> 00:09:51,393
- Oh!
- Oh, hi.
187
00:09:51,440 --> 00:09:52,793
Sorry we're late.
188
00:09:52,840 --> 00:09:55,035
Well, this place looks...
189
00:09:55,080 --> 00:09:57,992
...like the freezer's packed up
and they had to cook everything.
190
00:09:58,040 --> 00:09:59,598
I know. In't it brilliant?
191
00:09:59,640 --> 00:10:01,676
Come on, son...
192
00:10:01,720 --> 00:10:04,029
anyone could have made
the same mistake.
193
00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:06,272
But it was gonna be awesome.
194
00:10:06,320 --> 00:10:08,754
Do you know what's Polish
for awesome?
195
00:10:08,800 --> 00:10:11,314
Niesamowite.
196
00:10:11,360 --> 00:10:12,952
Man, it was gonna be
niesamowite.
197
00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:16,276
We'll have a few drinks then
head into town. It'll be fun.
198
00:10:17,400 --> 00:10:18,799
- Hiya.
- Whey-hey!
199
00:10:18,840 --> 00:10:21,149
- Now then, lads.
- What the f?
200
00:10:21,200 --> 00:10:24,272
We've got Polish vodka,
Polish beer, pickled beetroot
201
00:10:24,320 --> 00:10:26,197
and some very strange-looking
sweets.
202
00:10:26,240 --> 00:10:27,639
And...
203
00:10:29,000 --> 00:10:30,991
...this.
- Fucking hell!
204
00:10:31,040 --> 00:10:33,031
Kielbasa wes...
205
00:10:33,080 --> 00:10:34,957
- Wesa...
- Weselna.
206
00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:37,036
Known to its mates
as the Wedding Sausage.
207
00:10:37,960 --> 00:10:39,996
When I told Piotr
at the Polski Sklep
208
00:10:40,040 --> 00:10:42,349
you were getting married,
he insisted I took one.
209
00:10:42,400 --> 00:10:44,152
There you go.
Early wedding present.
210
00:10:44,200 --> 00:10:45,997
Welcome to Poland, son.
211
00:10:46,040 --> 00:10:49,032
Whatever else happens, you are
definitely getting the sausage.
212
00:10:49,960 --> 00:10:52,315
I mean, come on. A bin's a bin.
213
00:10:52,360 --> 00:10:54,954
You'd think
she'd see the funny side of it.
214
00:10:55,640 --> 00:10:58,677
It's like when I accidentally
shaved Mrs Scott's head,
215
00:10:58,720 --> 00:11:00,358
she didn't find that funny
either.
216
00:11:00,400 --> 00:11:02,277
Then again, nor did Mrs Scott.
217
00:11:02,320 --> 00:11:03,833
Oooh, spring rolls.
218
00:11:06,160 --> 00:11:09,118
- Dad, move, man!
- Sorry, lads. Sorry, sorry.
219
00:11:09,160 --> 00:11:10,718
- Who's winning?
- Move!
220
00:11:10,760 --> 00:11:12,910
Well, they say he's the best man
221
00:11:12,960 --> 00:11:15,758
but he's driving like
a pensioner in a snow storm.
222
00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:17,711
And he's about to be lapped
by the groom.
223
00:11:17,760 --> 00:11:19,751
The shame must be unbearable.
224
00:11:19,800 --> 00:11:21,518
My car's broke.
It's not even moving.
225
00:11:21,560 --> 00:11:24,279
Who needs go-karting
when you got the real thing?
226
00:11:24,320 --> 00:11:27,710
I haven't played this for years
and you're still shit at it.
227
00:11:27,760 --> 00:11:29,716
- Fetch!
- What the?
228
00:11:29,760 --> 00:11:32,115
Play nice you two
or it's going back in the attic!
229
00:11:32,160 --> 00:11:34,116
I remember one time,
230
00:11:34,160 --> 00:11:36,674
I caught her using my sunbed
to defrost poultry.
231
00:11:36,720 --> 00:11:39,075
Left the salon stinking like
a Chicken Cottage.
232
00:11:39,120 --> 00:11:40,235
Spring roll?
233
00:11:40,280 --> 00:11:42,748
For God sake, woman,
you're obsessed!
234
00:11:42,800 --> 00:11:46,190
I've said sorry, Tony's said
sorry, what more do you want?
235
00:11:46,240 --> 00:11:47,992
I want to know my bin's not full
236
00:11:48,040 --> 00:11:50,349
of your husband's
rotten garbage.
237
00:11:50,400 --> 00:11:53,153
- Get off!
- Two giant men are wrestling.
238
00:11:53,200 --> 00:11:55,555
It's all gone a bit Godzilla
very quickly.
239
00:11:55,600 --> 00:11:56,749
Yeah!
240
00:11:56,800 --> 00:11:59,598
And the groom, he takes it.
241
00:12:00,760 --> 00:12:04,469
Right. I want a re-match
and I want it now.
242
00:12:04,520 --> 00:12:06,750
And I want to be the white one.
243
00:12:11,120 --> 00:12:13,554
Everyone, play along.
244
00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:15,079
What's going on?
245
00:12:15,120 --> 00:12:18,396
If it's your birthday, this
place gives you a free cake.
246
00:12:18,440 --> 00:12:21,079
So you're not a hen,
you're a birthday girl.
247
00:12:21,120 --> 00:12:24,112
It's all you can eat.
Why do you need free cake?
248
00:12:24,160 --> 00:12:26,674
Who'd come here
for their birthday?
249
00:12:31,680 --> 00:12:33,159
So, who's the birthday girl?
250
00:12:34,720 --> 00:12:36,039
That would be me.
251
00:12:44,840 --> 00:12:47,229
Happy Birthday.
252
00:12:47,280 --> 00:12:49,669
I didn't even get you a card.
253
00:12:52,200 --> 00:12:55,510
- Who needs Poland, eh?
- But there's not much chance
254
00:12:55,560 --> 00:12:57,790
of scoring with a fittie
on the family settee.
255
00:12:59,720 --> 00:13:02,280
There's Kat... if you dare.
256
00:13:02,920 --> 00:13:04,831
She's OK. Average.
257
00:13:04,880 --> 00:13:08,714
You know, these days I tend to
go for the proper A-list lasses.
258
00:13:10,280 --> 00:13:12,157
- Really?
- Mm.
259
00:13:12,200 --> 00:13:14,760
- Like who, pray tell?
- Wouldn't you like to know?
260
00:13:14,800 --> 00:13:16,756
Yes, I would, that's why
I'm asking. Go on.
261
00:13:16,800 --> 00:13:18,472
- No.
- Name one.
262
00:13:18,520 --> 00:13:20,636
- Just one. Go on.
- OK.
263
00:13:20,680 --> 00:13:22,796
I'm sorry again about your bins.
264
00:13:22,840 --> 00:13:24,717
I know how much the salon
means to you.
265
00:13:24,760 --> 00:13:26,193
I'm over it.
266
00:13:27,480 --> 00:13:30,313
If you think Tony has a problem
finding the right bin,
267
00:13:30,360 --> 00:13:32,749
imagine what it's like
sleeping with him.
268
00:13:35,320 --> 00:13:36,833
- I'll give you clues.
- OK.
269
00:13:36,880 --> 00:13:42,238
Fittest bird we know,
proper into me, Mam's boss.
270
00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:44,555
Bad enough trying
to upsell collagen lip fillers
271
00:13:44,600 --> 00:13:46,795
with him always
hanging around the place
272
00:13:46,840 --> 00:13:48,398
banging on about his clicky hip.
273
00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:51,877
- Anji?
- Sssshhh!
274
00:13:53,080 --> 00:13:56,629
As if. You're, like, a four in
bad lighting, she's like a nine.
275
00:13:56,680 --> 00:13:58,716
She'd laugh you out the room.
276
00:13:58,760 --> 00:14:00,478
We weren't laughing, Leo.
277
00:14:00,520 --> 00:14:01,748
No, no, no.
278
00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:05,917
We were too busy doing it.
279
00:14:05,960 --> 00:14:08,474
Ah, come on. He's had a lot
of trouble with that hip.
280
00:14:08,520 --> 00:14:10,829
Not enough to lay off
the kebabs.
281
00:14:10,880 --> 00:14:13,189
And the chips. And the burgers.
282
00:14:14,120 --> 00:14:17,112
Hey, I think somebody's had
enough to drink.
283
00:14:17,160 --> 00:14:20,596
It's a hen. Getting pissed is
the whole point. Waiter!
284
00:14:22,120 --> 00:14:24,315
Look what you've done now.
285
00:14:24,360 --> 00:14:25,918
My sticky ribs.
286
00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:28,918
- Just a bit there and there.
- I'm OK. I'm OK, Mum.
287
00:14:28,960 --> 00:14:30,632
You're covered.
288
00:14:30,680 --> 00:14:33,672
No one douses my sister
in sweet and sour sauce.
289
00:14:33,720 --> 00:14:35,950
- Not on her hen do.
- No, Jackie. No!
290
00:14:37,000 --> 00:14:38,592
You're insane!
291
00:14:38,640 --> 00:14:41,313
- You think this is funny?
- No!
292
00:14:41,360 --> 00:14:43,078
Cheeky cow.
You want a food fight?
293
00:14:43,120 --> 00:14:45,759
I'll give you a food fight!
294
00:14:46,800 --> 00:14:48,518
Death or glory!
295
00:14:55,760 --> 00:14:57,352
Nostrovia!
296
00:15:02,560 --> 00:15:05,438
You see, the thing is, Leo,
what women want...
297
00:15:05,480 --> 00:15:07,869
Now, I can't wait to hear this.
Come on.
298
00:15:08,200 --> 00:15:10,191
What they want...
what a woman wants...
299
00:15:10,240 --> 00:15:13,471
Just nod, smile and say, "Yes"
and you'll be grand.
300
00:15:13,520 --> 00:15:18,275
- How about we ask one? Kat?
- No. I'm staying out of this.
301
00:15:18,320 --> 00:15:20,880
They want a man who knows
what he wants and how to get it.
302
00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:24,037
Ah, so I take it the date
went well, then?
303
00:15:24,080 --> 00:15:26,594
Well, we snogged
on the doorstep,
304
00:15:26,640 --> 00:15:29,154
she asked me how I wanted
my bacon done in the morning.
305
00:15:29,200 --> 00:15:30,872
So you tell me, eh?
306
00:15:30,920 --> 00:15:34,913
Well, he's not the only one who
knows how to please the ladies.
307
00:15:34,960 --> 00:15:36,678
Up top.
308
00:15:36,720 --> 00:15:41,077
I've got it. I've got it.
What a woman wants is simply...
309
00:15:41,120 --> 00:15:42,712
No, mate, you're ok.
310
00:15:42,760 --> 00:15:45,877
Way I see it, I have a lifetime
with Judy to figure it out.
311
00:15:45,920 --> 00:15:48,798
Isn't he precious?
312
00:15:48,840 --> 00:15:51,912
Right. Let's head out. To town!
313
00:15:51,960 --> 00:15:54,269
Or, we could just stay here?
314
00:15:54,320 --> 00:15:57,471
- Yes!
- Right, more vodka shots.
315
00:15:57,520 --> 00:16:00,637
- Yes!
- Nostravia!
316
00:16:00,680 --> 00:16:04,753
I said, "The sign says all you
can eat, not all you can throw."
317
00:16:04,800 --> 00:16:05,994
Now, out!
318
00:16:06,040 --> 00:16:09,430
- Nice work, Pam.
- Me? It was you who started it.
319
00:16:09,480 --> 00:16:11,357
Yeah, and it's me
that'll finish it.
320
00:16:11,400 --> 00:16:13,072
And it's my hen night and...
321
00:16:13,120 --> 00:16:15,588
And we're all gonna get along.
All right?
322
00:16:16,120 --> 00:16:17,235
Friends?
323
00:16:18,080 --> 00:16:19,195
Friends.
324
00:16:22,120 --> 00:16:23,348
Get out!
325
00:16:23,400 --> 00:16:25,709
Oh, I never got
my banana fritter.
326
00:16:25,760 --> 00:16:27,751
I'm sorry.
327
00:16:30,360 --> 00:16:32,510
Mate... mate, look...
328
00:16:32,560 --> 00:16:34,949
I just want to say, mate...
329
00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:37,389
Great stag, mate. Great stag.
330
00:16:37,440 --> 00:16:40,432
Cheers. And we didn't even get
out the front door.
331
00:16:41,240 --> 00:16:43,959
When you get to my age, there's
nothing in town that can beat
332
00:16:44,000 --> 00:16:47,470
the couch, the telly
and a toilet without a queue.
333
00:16:48,120 --> 00:16:50,156
Estrovia.
334
00:16:50,200 --> 00:16:53,112
Hey, you want to watch
that one, mate.
335
00:16:53,160 --> 00:16:54,878
Tell us about it.
336
00:16:54,920 --> 00:16:58,117
She's looking at you like she's
the dog and you're the bone.
337
00:16:58,160 --> 00:17:01,118
What? No, she's just a mate.
338
00:17:02,080 --> 00:17:06,471
Mate? Mate! 'Ey, mates don't hug
and kiss each other.
339
00:17:10,440 --> 00:17:12,874
- There you are, big fella.
- Cheers, Kat.
340
00:17:12,920 --> 00:17:14,911
Come on, Stag. Your turn.
341
00:17:19,000 --> 00:17:20,991
Have it. Yes.
342
00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:23,508
That's... Wimp.
343
00:17:33,640 --> 00:17:35,631
Beat the master. Watch me.
344
00:17:36,720 --> 00:17:38,438
So we've done the beer festival.
345
00:17:38,480 --> 00:17:40,675
- The A-Z of Polish beers.
- Done the go-karting.
346
00:17:40,720 --> 00:17:43,188
Thank God I didn't let your mam
throw it out.
347
00:17:43,240 --> 00:17:46,630
But... we haven't done
the strippers.
348
00:17:48,320 --> 00:17:50,311
Oh, OK.
349
00:17:52,120 --> 00:17:53,633
- What?
- Come on, then.
350
00:17:55,960 --> 00:17:57,154
Strip!
351
00:18:02,520 --> 00:18:05,193
Get it off! Get it off!
352
00:18:05,240 --> 00:18:07,629
- Get it off! Get it off!
- No, man!
353
00:18:07,680 --> 00:18:08,795
OK.
354
00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:12,633
If I'm doing this. I'm doing it
properly. Lights.
355
00:18:13,400 --> 00:18:14,674
- Music.
- On it.
356
00:18:14,720 --> 00:18:17,075
Is anyone here
under the age of 18?
357
00:18:17,120 --> 00:18:19,270
- Me!
- Sing for me, girls.
358
00:18:22,720 --> 00:18:24,711
Whooooo!
359
00:18:29,160 --> 00:18:32,675
- Come here, Poppadom.
- Get off me, man!
360
00:18:33,280 --> 00:18:36,590
- And now for the main event.
- Yes!
361
00:18:36,640 --> 00:18:38,915
Who knows what's Polish for...
362
00:18:38,960 --> 00:18:40,075
tiny?
363
00:18:44,080 --> 00:18:46,389
Er... Mam!
This is a private show.
364
00:18:46,440 --> 00:18:48,590
Put it away, man, James.
365
00:18:48,640 --> 00:18:50,551
It's not big
and it's not clever.
366
00:18:52,200 --> 00:18:54,191
- Hiya, Peggy.
- Hiya, love.
367
00:18:54,240 --> 00:18:57,471
Why aren't you lot out doing
something I wouldn't approve of?
368
00:18:57,520 --> 00:18:58,919
Change of plan.
369
00:18:58,960 --> 00:19:01,155
Why have you got rice
in your bra?
370
00:19:01,200 --> 00:19:03,839
It was a hen night, Tony.
It got a bit messy.
371
00:19:03,880 --> 00:19:05,871
Come here, Ratman.
372
00:19:06,600 --> 00:19:08,431
Hey, why's Kat here?
373
00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:10,675
She came to the stag
last minute. It's OK, right?
374
00:19:10,720 --> 00:19:11,994
Sure. Why not?
375
00:19:12,040 --> 00:19:13,837
Where did all this lot
come from?
376
00:19:13,880 --> 00:19:16,599
- Poland!
- Nostrovia!
377
00:19:16,640 --> 00:19:20,110
Why don't I run us something up
in the kitchen?
378
00:19:20,160 --> 00:19:22,515
- If you don't mind.
- I'm dying to get my hands
379
00:19:22,560 --> 00:19:24,915
on that shiny new cooker
of yours.
380
00:19:24,960 --> 00:19:26,951
Right, four vodka shots.
381
00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:28,991
Nostrovia!
382
00:19:32,120 --> 00:19:34,395
Punched out a horse?
And you ticked it?
383
00:19:34,440 --> 00:19:36,431
Yeah.
The horse was asking for it.
384
00:19:42,240 --> 00:19:43,639
No way.
385
00:19:43,680 --> 00:19:47,195
...then they started throwing
food at each other
386
00:19:47,240 --> 00:19:49,276
so I hid under the table.
387
00:19:49,320 --> 00:19:53,393
- They had very nice carpet.
- It sounds class.
388
00:19:54,600 --> 00:19:56,158
That smells... interesting.
389
00:19:56,200 --> 00:19:57,997
Oh, it's an old Arkley recipe.
390
00:19:58,040 --> 00:20:01,669
Take whatever's in the kitchen,
throw it in the pot,
391
00:20:01,720 --> 00:20:05,110
turn up the heat and add vodka.
392
00:20:09,760 --> 00:20:13,469
- You OK?
- Just... er... give us a minute.
393
00:20:14,360 --> 00:20:15,509
I'll get some water.
394
00:20:15,560 --> 00:20:18,028
I thought you wanted
a repeat performance?
395
00:20:19,760 --> 00:20:22,115
This just feels a bit wrong.
396
00:20:27,200 --> 00:20:29,350
I think I'm gonna be sick.
397
00:20:34,480 --> 00:20:36,471
James and Anji?
398
00:20:36,520 --> 00:20:38,715
He told us they'd slept together
once already.
399
00:20:38,760 --> 00:20:40,273
I thought he was winding us up.
400
00:20:40,320 --> 00:20:42,834
Upstairs now. Doing... stuff?
401
00:20:42,880 --> 00:20:45,838
Looks like I'm not the only one
with a thing for older women.
402
00:20:50,160 --> 00:20:53,152
- Strippers?
- No. Unless you count James.
403
00:20:53,720 --> 00:20:57,030
- Drug use? Fist fights?
- No and no.
404
00:20:57,080 --> 00:20:59,878
- So what did you do, then?
- We went to Poland.
405
00:21:00,640 --> 00:21:02,631
Who's Mrs Jones?
406
00:21:03,400 --> 00:21:05,436
- Hiya.
- I need to have a word.
407
00:21:05,480 --> 00:21:08,233
- A serious word.
- Are you all right?
408
00:21:08,280 --> 00:21:11,078
Yeah. Look I think
you're a great girl.
409
00:21:11,120 --> 00:21:13,953
And erm... a great boss.
410
00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:16,434
And erm... a great girl...
411
00:21:16,720 --> 00:21:18,711
Are you coming on to me?
412
00:21:18,760 --> 00:21:22,594
No. You're coming on to me.
Aren't you?
413
00:21:22,640 --> 00:21:24,039
- What are you up to?
- Nothing.
414
00:21:24,080 --> 00:21:27,038
You'll never guess what he
thinks. He thinks I fancy him.
415
00:21:27,080 --> 00:21:29,275
- Oh, does he?
- I don't fancy her.
416
00:21:29,320 --> 00:21:32,118
I just didn't want her to get
the wrong impression about me.
417
00:21:32,160 --> 00:21:33,639
And do you fancy him?
418
00:21:35,760 --> 00:21:40,880
Leo. He's a lovely lad and he's
a good laugh. But seriously?
419
00:21:41,840 --> 00:21:45,037
He's a mummy's boy.
You're soft as muck.
420
00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:48,036
I prefer something a bit...
you know?
421
00:21:48,840 --> 00:21:50,068
A bit... rough.
422
00:21:50,120 --> 00:21:54,432
- I can do rough.
- His pyjamas have cars on them.
423
00:21:54,480 --> 00:21:56,516
Racing cars.
424
00:21:56,560 --> 00:21:59,552
So, sorry, flower,
nothing doing.
425
00:22:00,000 --> 00:22:03,709
Which is lucky for me cos
he's head over heels for you.
426
00:22:03,760 --> 00:22:06,274
You're never going to let us
forget this, are you?
427
00:22:06,320 --> 00:22:08,072
- Nah!
- Oh, God!
428
00:22:08,120 --> 00:22:11,157
- Mam! Hi.
- Get out of me way!
429
00:22:11,200 --> 00:22:13,395
How about a dance?
You always like a dance.
430
00:22:13,440 --> 00:22:17,911
Leo, I need to change... I've
got a bra full of Egg Foo Yung.
431
00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:19,951
Selfie! Yes, that's it...
432
00:22:20,000 --> 00:22:22,560
There we go.
Oooh, come back.
433
00:22:23,080 --> 00:22:26,072
Tony, will you tell your son
to let me go?
434
00:22:26,120 --> 00:22:29,317
- Move. I need the toilet.
- No, you can't because...
435
00:22:29,360 --> 00:22:33,831
Because... Because Judy had
a bit of an incident up there.
436
00:22:33,880 --> 00:22:35,438
It is not pretty.
437
00:22:35,480 --> 00:22:38,313
Well, the food at the restaurant
was very greasy and...
438
00:22:38,360 --> 00:22:41,238
- I'd give it a minute.
- Who wants to eat?
439
00:22:41,280 --> 00:22:42,395
Sorry.
440
00:22:42,440 --> 00:22:44,510
Cheers, Peg. I'm starving.
Looks nice.
441
00:22:44,560 --> 00:22:46,790
Cheers, Peggy.
442
00:22:46,840 --> 00:22:50,674
- Mmmm... This tastes really...
- Boozy?
443
00:22:51,960 --> 00:22:54,428
Oh, I was going to cook off
the booze,
444
00:22:54,480 --> 00:22:56,436
then I thought,
if I cook off the booze,
445
00:22:56,480 --> 00:22:58,630
they won't be able to taste
the booze.
446
00:22:58,680 --> 00:23:01,831
So I added more booze,
just to be sure.
447
00:23:03,640 --> 00:23:05,631
- Mam?
- Upstairs.
448
00:23:05,680 --> 00:23:07,636
- Shit!
- What?
449
00:23:08,720 --> 00:23:11,951
James and Anji. Upstairs.
450
00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:16,118
Sorry. When you said James
and Anji upstairs...
451
00:23:16,160 --> 00:23:18,151
- I thought you meant...
- I did.
452
00:23:20,120 --> 00:23:24,398
Only time you fancy us is when
you're too drunk to stand up.
453
00:23:25,040 --> 00:23:27,634
- Even I can take a hint.
- Sorry, pet.
454
00:23:28,080 --> 00:23:30,310
It's fine. We can be friends.
455
00:23:31,560 --> 00:23:35,075
Mates? Sort of mates? Pen pals?
456
00:23:36,960 --> 00:23:39,349
I think your mam's gonna notice
I'm not downstairs.
457
00:23:39,400 --> 00:23:41,834
- Let's go.
- No, I can do it.
458
00:23:42,840 --> 00:23:45,479
- Sorry about the wash basket.
- It's fine.
459
00:23:45,520 --> 00:23:48,353
What's a basket full of sick
between... this?
460
00:23:53,040 --> 00:23:55,031
What are you two doing in there?
461
00:23:58,240 --> 00:24:00,470
I know he's my son
and I love him.
462
00:24:00,520 --> 00:24:02,511
But what was Anji thinking of?
463
00:24:02,560 --> 00:24:04,551
The jammy bastard.
464
00:24:04,600 --> 00:24:06,636
Not as jammy as me, like.
465
00:24:06,680 --> 00:24:08,079
At least he died doing
what he loved.
466
00:24:08,120 --> 00:24:11,157
Maybe Pam will see that
they're two responsible adults
467
00:24:11,200 --> 00:24:13,998
- and it's none of our business.
- Have you met Pam?
468
00:24:14,040 --> 00:24:18,397
If they don't come down soon,
there'll be no sausage left.
469
00:24:25,520 --> 00:24:27,829
What? She's OK.
470
00:24:27,880 --> 00:24:31,509
Jimmy's taken care of her.
I'm so proud of him.
471
00:24:31,560 --> 00:24:32,879
Proud?
472
00:24:32,920 --> 00:24:36,117
Yes. My boy knew exactly
what to do.
473
00:24:36,160 --> 00:24:37,912
Because Anji was ill.
474
00:24:37,960 --> 00:24:40,428
So I just made sure
she had plenty of water
475
00:24:40,480 --> 00:24:42,118
and something to be sick in.
476
00:24:42,160 --> 00:24:44,037
To save Mam's carpet.
477
00:24:44,080 --> 00:24:46,435
My guardian angel.
478
00:24:47,320 --> 00:24:49,117
Right, Anji.
479
00:24:49,160 --> 00:24:51,310
I'm gonna lend you
one of my coats
480
00:24:51,360 --> 00:24:53,351
and then I'm gonna
ring you a cab.
481
00:24:55,280 --> 00:24:57,794
- How on earth?
- I took care of business.
482
00:24:57,840 --> 00:24:59,637
- Chill.
- Nothing happened.
483
00:24:59,680 --> 00:25:02,638
- Thank God. If your mam had...
- Here you are.
484
00:25:02,680 --> 00:25:04,238
I think it's for the best.
485
00:25:04,280 --> 00:25:06,236
Be careful not to vomit on it.
486
00:25:06,280 --> 00:25:10,432
You should never try and repeat
a one-night stand.
487
00:25:11,680 --> 00:25:14,877
Does anyone fancy a cup of tea?
488
00:25:14,920 --> 00:25:16,717
You what, Peggy?
489
00:25:18,680 --> 00:25:20,113
Nothing happened.
490
00:25:42,000 --> 00:25:47,000
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll