Ripped & Corrected By mstoll
Open your mouth.
Can you remember how that tastes?
Yeah, but erm...
- Incoming! - Ah.
Bit of warning next time.
Is that canapé more tasty, less tasty, or the same?
Hmm.
More tasty.
More tasty, less tasty, or the same?
Erm... more tasty?
Oh, wait, that was the same as the last one.
You should have said, "The same".
Come on, Judy, take it seriously.
Please don't think I'm not grateful
for you offering to cater, Mum.
When Mike down The Nelson told me the kitchen was being done up
the exact week that you and Leo are getting married...
well, I thought - destiny.
It's just I don't know if this is helping.
- How else will I get it right? - Mum, you always get it right.
That'll be the next lot. I hope you've left room.
I don't know how much more I can take.
This is like vol-au-vent Russian roulette. What am I gonna do?
Don't ask me.
I'm busy doing the finishing touches to your hen night.
Do you think she'll be offended if I ask somebody else?
I know not everyone likes liver.
So I thought, "Why not mix liver with things people do like?"
Liver and chocolate.
- Jackie, you like chocolate. - Carbs.
I've been on stags you wouldn't believe.
Strippers punching out the best man in a rundown theme pub.
20-stone blokes crying their eyes out at 4am
- on Scotswood Bridge. - You're not coming to mine.
Remember drinks after work when I blagged you into the casino?
I lost half a month's wages.
You loved it.
And when we had to stay late and to kill time we re-played
the entire 1987 BDO Darts Championship, match for match?
Still don't see why I had to be Eric Bristow.
Look, my point is, when I'm there, fun happens.
- When I'm not there? - OK. OK, you can come.
But I have to warn you, James could be planning anything.
It might get... intense.
I can do intense.
Don't say I didn't warn you.
So, what's Judy doing for her hen?
I am not drinking out of a straw with a cock on the end of it.
I am definitely not gonna be wearing a pink cowboy hat.
And I am definitely not sucking whipped cream
out of the chest hair of some moonlighting PE teacher
dressed as a naughty fireman.
Come on, Pam, who's to say Jackie hasn't planned
something classy, restrained and tasteful?
Thank God you're here to soak up the madness.
I'll just take this lot out and then we're ready.
- What's this? - You were taking the bins out.
Oh, this isn't my rubbish. But it was in my bin.
But whose could it be? Let's have a look, shall we?
Coffee grounds, a stack of menus with the word "menu" misspelled,
stale cupcakes covered in what looks like minced beef.
It's like it's come from some sort of café.
Tasty Tony.
This is the fourth time this week.
My bin says "Salon", his "Café". How's that difficult?
Anj, the thing with Tony is, if you want something doing,
- it's best to do it yourself. - Do you think this is funny?
Well, it's only a bin, Anj.
My bin that I pay for.
Right, I'll have a word.
What, you want us to go now?
Uh-uh, now.
This stag do...
You mean the stag do to end all stag dos.
Stagmageddon. Stagpocalypse.
It's not gonna be mucky, is it?
Mucky? Dad, how can you think so little of me?
Cos I found this - James's secret stag plans.
Secret.
- Whoa. Look at you two. - Fit!
These... are yours.
Eh?
You put them in my bin. Again.
Uh-oh. Bin wars.
I pay for that bin, but if it's full of your rubbish,
that means I need to pay for another bin with my money!
I told James to put it in the right bin.
I am dangerously undertrained.
I don't care whose fault it was,
it just doesn't happen again. Understood?
Yes.
Oh, there's your cab.
So, what do you reckon? Karaoke in a rough pub
or chicken in a basket down the bingo?
I don't know, Pam. They're your family.
And no mucky stuff on this stag do.
Uh...
No rubbish in the salon bins. No muck on the stag do.
Let's stag!
I cannot wait to get mortal.
Mortal?
Shitface. Pissed. Wasting NHS resources.
Flat on my back and fighting the pavement.
- It's not gonna be like that. - Tonight anything can happen.
You and you are gonna love what I've got planned.
Sorry I'm late. Got room for one more?
- Hiya. - More the merrier.
- But she's a girl. No offence. - See?
Told you they'd notice.
Whoa. You cannot have a girl on a stag do.
- What if we want to be... rude? - You want rude?
I'll make you blush like a vicar in a gloryhole.
- It's not gonna be like that. - It's my stag. She's coming.
This is an all-male environment where male things happen.
Manly things.
All-male men doing manly things to another man.
- She's going for it! - Just like your mam.
Wow.
Oh, oh, yes!
- I think she'll keep up. - Welcome aboard.
Lucky for you there was a no-show.
But don't come crying when things get staggy.
So... who's ready for Leo's stag do?
I said...
- Shoes. - Who's ready for Leo's stag do?
No, Mum, grab a big plate. Pile it high. Here you go.
How great is this place? You can eat as much as you want.
I'm not sure it'll be much.
Are you mad? They've got everything -
curry, sweet and sour, meat.
After all this healthy eating, I deserve a night of greasy fun.
All those healthy diet pills.
I could do this for your wedding.
Piles of everything.
Sometimes less is more, Mum.
First things first. Stag uniforms.
Oh, no.
Oh, yes. Customised and everything.
Get 'em on. Here we go.
One for you and catch.
- Snog a stranger? - Yeah.
That's a standard night out.
Piggy-back race on a fat man? What is this?
Stag check list. Do one and you tick it off.
Streak across... Rynek Glowny? What's a Rynek Glowny?
It's the main square in Krakow.
In Poland.
- You didn't? - Oh, mate. He did.
Oh, I did. I saved the coupons from the paper,
bought the cheap plane tickets and we are invading Poland.
Poland. Where we'll be going go-kart racing,
visit a beer festival
and enjoy cheap strippers all night.
24 hours of madness then back home.
Mate, you legend!
I honestly thought we'd just end up down The Nelson.
No.
- These are for yesterday. - No way, man.
Because today it's...
Shit.
What about the go-karting and discount strippers?
And all that Polish sausage?
- How can you get dates wrong? - It's OK, mate.
Anyone could have made that mistake.
- But we can still have a stag. - How?
- Just go down The Nelson. - Aye. Aye.
- Oh, come on. - No way.
Nah, it's not over yet.
It's over. I messed up the tickets.
Have you got more booze?
Obvs. I got it for the coach to the airport.
Break that out. Get everyone good and pissed.
Stag, get your tee-shirt on.
You. If he's still sober when I get back, there'll be trouble.
- Big fella. Come with me. - Yes, ma'am.
W-W-W-Wait. I don't understand. What's going on?
If we can't go to Poland, I'll bring it here.
Well, that all sounds like a lovely story but...
There you go. That's one ticked off.
And before the rest of you start getting ideas,
that was purely pity. Right, c'mon.
- She's your boss? - I know.
Hi.
- Oh! - Oh, hi.
Sorry we're late.
Well, this place looks...
...like the freezer's packed up and they had to cook everything.
I know. In't it brilliant?
Come on, son...
anyone could have made the same mistake.
But it was gonna be awesome.
Do you know what's Polish for awesome?
Niesamowite.
Man, it was gonna be niesamowite.
We'll have a few drinks then head into town. It'll be fun.
- Hiya. - Whey-hey!
- Now then, lads. - What the f?
We've got Polish vodka, Polish beer, pickled beetroot
and some very strange-looking sweets.
And...
...this. - Fucking hell!
Kielbasa wes...
- Wesa... - Weselna.
Known to its mates as the Wedding Sausage.
When I told Piotr at the Polski Sklep
you were getting married, he insisted I took one.
There you go. Early wedding present.
Welcome to Poland, son.
Whatever else happens, you are definitely getting the sausage.
I mean, come on. A bin's a bin.
You'd think she'd see the funny side of it.
It's like when I accidentally shaved Mrs Scott's head,
she didn't find that funny either.
Then again, nor did Mrs Scott.
Oooh, spring rolls.
- Dad, move, man! - Sorry, lads. Sorry, sorry.
- Who's winning? - Move!
Well, they say he's the best man
but he's driving like a pensioner in a snow storm.
And he's about to be lapped by the groom.
The shame must be unbearable.
My car's broke. It's not even moving.
Who needs go-karting when you got the real thing?
I haven't played this for years and you're still shit at it.
- Fetch! - What the?
Play nice you two or it's going back in the attic!
I remember one time,
I caught her using my sunbed to defrost poultry.
Left the salon stinking like a Chicken Cottage.
Spring roll?
For God sake, woman, you're obsessed!
I've said sorry, Tony's said sorry, what more do you want?
I want to know my bin's not full
of your husband's rotten garbage.
- Get off! - Two giant men are wrestling.
It's all gone a bit Godzilla very quickly.
Yeah!
And the groom, he takes it.
Right. I want a re-match and I want it now.
And I want to be the white one.
Everyone, play along.
What's going on?
If it's your birthday, this place gives you a free cake.
So you're not a hen, you're a birthday girl.
It's all you can eat. Why do you need free cake?
Who'd come here for their birthday?
So, who's the birthday girl?
That would be me.
Happy Birthday.
I didn't even get you a card.
- Who needs Poland, eh? - But there's not much chance
of scoring with a fittie on the family settee.
There's Kat... if you dare.
She's OK. Average.
You know, these days I tend to go for the proper A-list lasses.
- Really? - Mm.
- Like who, pray tell? - Wouldn't you like to know?
Yes, I would, that's why I'm asking. Go on.
- No. - Name one.
- Just one. Go on. - OK.
I'm sorry again about your bins.
I know how much the salon means to you.
I'm over it.
If you think Tony has a problem finding the right bin,
imagine what it's like sleeping with him.
- I'll give you clues. - OK.
Fittest bird we know, proper into me, Mam's boss.
Bad enough trying to upsell collagen lip fillers
with him always hanging around the place
banging on about his clicky hip.
- Anji? - Sssshhh!
As if. You're, like, a four in bad lighting, she's like a nine.
She'd laugh you out the room.
We weren't laughing, Leo.
No, no, no.
We were too busy doing it.
Ah, come on. He's had a lot of trouble with that hip.
Not enough to lay off the kebabs.
And the chips. And the burgers.
Hey, I think somebody's had enough to drink.
It's a hen. Getting pissed is the whole point. Waiter!
Look what you've done now.
My sticky ribs.
- Just a bit there and there. - I'm OK. I'm OK, Mum.
You're covered.
No one douses my sister in sweet and sour sauce.
- Not on her hen do. - No, Jackie. No!
You're insane!
- You think this is funny? - No!
Cheeky cow. You want a food fight?
I'll give you a food fight!
Death or glory!
Nostrovia!
You see, the thing is, Leo, what women want...
Now, I can't wait to hear this. Come on.
What they want... what a woman wants...
Just nod, smile and say, "Yes" and you'll be grand.
- How about we ask one? Kat? - No. I'm staying out of this.
They want a man who knows what he wants and how to get it.
Ah, so I take it the date went well, then?
Well, we snogged on the doorstep,
she asked me how I wanted my bacon done in the morning.
So you tell me, eh?
Well, he's not the only one who knows how to please the ladies.
Up top.
I've got it. I've got it. What a woman wants is simply...
No, mate, you're ok.
Way I see it, I have a lifetime with Judy to figure it out.
Isn't he precious?
Right. Let's head out. To town!
Or, we could just stay here?
- Yes! - Right, more vodka shots.
- Yes! - Nostravia!
I said, "The sign says all you can eat, not all you can throw."
Now, out!
- Nice work, Pam. - Me? It was you who started it.
Yeah, and it's me that'll finish it.
And it's my hen night and...
And we're all gonna get along. All right?
Friends?
Friends.
Get out!
Oh, I never got my banana fritter.
I'm sorry.
Mate... mate, look...
I just want to say, mate...
Great stag, mate. Great stag.
Cheers. And we didn't even get out the front door.
When you get to my age, there's nothing in town that can beat
the couch, the telly and a toilet without a queue.
Estrovia.
Hey, you want to watch that one, mate.
Tell us about it.
She's looking at you like she's the dog and you're the bone.
What? No, she's just a mate.
Mate? Mate! 'Ey, mates don't hug and kiss each other.
- There you are, big fella. - Cheers, Kat.
Come on, Stag. Your turn.
Have it. Yes.
That's... Wimp.
Beat the master. Watch me.
So we've done the beer festival.
- The A-Z of Polish beers. - Done the go-karting.
Thank God I didn't let your mam throw it out.
But... we haven't done the strippers.
Oh, OK.
- What? - Come on, then.
Strip!
Get it off! Get it off!
- Get it off! Get it off! - No, man!
OK.
If I'm doing this. I'm doing it properly. Lights.
- Music. - On it.
Is anyone here under the age of 18?
- Me! - Sing for me, girls.
Whooooo!
- Come here, Poppadom. - Get off me, man!
- And now for the main event. - Yes!
Who knows what's Polish for...
tiny?
Er... Mam! This is a private show.
Put it away, man, James.
It's not big and it's not clever.
- Hiya, Peggy. - Hiya, love.
Why aren't you lot out doing something I wouldn't approve of?
Change of plan.
Why have you got rice in your bra?
It was a hen night, Tony. It got a bit messy.
Come here, Ratman.
Hey, why's Kat here?
She came to the stag last minute. It's OK, right?
Sure. Why not?
Where did all this lot come from?
- Poland! - Nostrovia!
Why don't I run us something up in the kitchen?
- If you don't mind. - I'm dying to get my hands
on that shiny new cooker of yours.
Right, four vodka shots.
Nostrovia!
Punched out a horse? And you ticked it?
Yeah. The horse was asking for it.
No way.
...then they started throwing food at each other
so I hid under the table.
- They had very nice carpet. - It sounds class.
That smells... interesting.
Oh, it's an old Arkley recipe.
Take whatever's in the kitchen, throw it in the pot,
turn up the heat and add vodka.
- You OK? - Just... er... give us a minute.
I'll get some water.
I thought you wanted a repeat performance?
This just feels a bit wrong.
I think I'm gonna be sick.
James and Anji?
He told us they'd slept together once already.
I thought he was winding us up.
Upstairs now. Doing... stuff?
Looks like I'm not the only one with a thing for older women.
- Strippers? - No. Unless you count James.
- Drug use? Fist fights? - No and no.
- So what did you do, then? - We went to Poland.
Who's Mrs Jones?
- Hiya. - I need to have a word.
- A serious word. - Are you all right?
Yeah. Look I think you're a great girl.
And erm... a great boss.
And erm... a great girl...
Are you coming on to me?
No. You're coming on to me. Aren't you?
- What are you up to? - Nothing.
You'll never guess what he thinks. He thinks I fancy him.
- Oh, does he? - I don't fancy her.
I just didn't want her to get the wrong impression about me.
And do you fancy him?
Leo. He's a lovely lad and he's a good laugh. But seriously?
He's a mummy's boy. You're soft as muck.
I prefer something a bit... you know?
A bit... rough.
- I can do rough. - His pyjamas have cars on them.
Racing cars.
So, sorry, flower, nothing doing.
Which is lucky for me cos he's head over heels for you.
You're never going to let us forget this, are you?
- Nah! - Oh, God!
- Mam! Hi. - Get out of me way!
How about a dance? You always like a dance.
Leo, I need to change... I've got a bra full of Egg Foo Yung.
Selfie! Yes, that's it...
There we go. Oooh, come back.
Tony, will you tell your son to let me go?
- Move. I need the toilet. - No, you can't because...
Because... Because Judy had a bit of an incident up there.
It is not pretty.
Well, the food at the restaurant was very greasy and...
- I'd give it a minute. - Who wants to eat?
Sorry.
Cheers, Peg. I'm starving. Looks nice.
Cheers, Peggy.
- Mmmm... This tastes really... - Boozy?
Oh, I was going to cook off the booze,
then I thought, if I cook off the booze,
they won't be able to taste the booze.
So I added more booze, just to be sure.
- Mam? - Upstairs.
- Shit! - What?
James and Anji. Upstairs.
Sorry. When you said James and Anji upstairs...
- I thought you meant... - I did.
Only time you fancy us is when you're too drunk to stand up.
- Even I can take a hint. - Sorry, pet.
It's fine. We can be friends.
Mates? Sort of mates? Pen pals?
I think your mam's gonna notice I'm not downstairs.
- Let's go. - No, I can do it.
- Sorry about the wash basket. - It's fine.
What's a basket full of sick between... this?
What are you two doing in there?
I know he's my son and I love him.
But what was Anji thinking of?
The jammy bastard.
Not as jammy as me, like.
At least he died doing what he loved.
Maybe Pam will see that they're two responsible adults
- and it's none of our business. - Have you met Pam?
If they don't come down soon, there'll be no sausage left.
What? She's OK.
Jimmy's taken care of her. I'm so proud of him.
Proud?
Yes. My boy knew exactly what to do.
Because Anji was ill.
So I just made sure she had plenty of water
and something to be sick in.
To save Mam's carpet.
My guardian angel.
Right, Anji.
I'm gonna lend you one of my coats
and then I'm gonna ring you a cab.
- How on earth? - I took care of business.
- Chill. - Nothing happened.
- Thank God. If your mam had... - Here you are.
I think it's for the best.
Be careful not to vomit on it.
You should never try and repeat a one-night stand.
Does anyone fancy a cup of tea?
You what, Peggy?
Nothing happened.
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll