I've been accused of a crime and there is
I think, a presumption of guilt.
Rebecca Thornton alleges that you raped her on the film set of Japes.
Ordinary woman. Looks average. Is average. What if you did it to me?
I envy you, Paul.
Your wife loves you, your daughter loves you. Even I love you.
Everybody wants to be a victim these days,
because it makes life so much easier to explain,
but I will not let you use him as an excuse for a life poorly led.
I don't have the answers to this.
You keep looking at me as if you expect me to have answers.
I choose to believe him.
Do you understand that?
This programme contains strong language and adult content.
The soap's broke.
Sorry? The soap dispenser, it's broken. That's broken.
It's Rebecca. Rebecca Thornton, am I right?
Yeah.
I know who you are, too.
Are you here with him, then? I'd better go.
I was really sorry to hear about your daughter.
Thank you. You were there, I think.
I served you lunch. In Bedford, I mean.
I'm not lying. I'm really not lying.
It's not about punishing him or anything like that.
I just feel like, if I don't get this straight in my head now,
I'll never, ever be happy.
He did do this to me. And to you.
In fact, I feel like I'm doing this for you.
For you and your daughter.
I feel like I'm saying what you should have said...
..a long time ago.
OK.
Marie, Zoe.
Zoe, Marie.
Zoe is the woman who's going to get your man off.
Pleasure to meet you. Are you OK? You look a bit peaky. I'm fine.
This is just a simple one.
The judge sets a date for the trial, blah, blah, blah.
The important thing is, then they've got 42 days to give us
everything they've got against you.
If I was a betting man, I'd bet they've got fuck all.
She's just told me I was there that day. What are the bets on that?
Shit.
You go ahead.
I'll divert them. Just be careful of them. Mm-hm.
Not so tight.
I'm a very grateful man today.
Grateful because my daughter is finally out of her coma.
I'm grateful, too, that no-one else was harmed.
I don't like hospitals. Nobody likes hospitals.
I think Grandad will have to join us later, Billy.
I've decided I want to be called Bill from now on.
OK...Bill.
Is she, um...
Does she look... Do you want to see a photo?
I took this for Grandad, while she was sleeping.
She wasn't sleeping, she was in a coma.
Yeah.
OK?
Hello. Hello!
Could you hear us talking outside your door?
Yes, Bill.
It's very good to see you.
I'm sorry I look like this.
It's OK.
How are you doing? Frances said she's going to come, later.
She wanted me to come first and she made you a card.
Very nice.
Can you tell her it's very nice?
Yeah.
This...
I didn't mean...
You understand, I wasn't myself.
Yeah.
Yeah. I have...
SHE SIGHS
Dad told me all about it, Mum, OK?
It's fine.
All about what?
What you're like and what you've done before. And that you love me
and I should try to remember that.
I do love you.
Do you mind if I go now?
Billy.
I'm going to go.
I don't know whether to go after him or just let him cry.
What have I done?
You've done what you do.
I'm sorry.
That's not what...
I'll go and get Billy and find your dad.
This isn't...
This is really too much for all of us, isn't it?
I'm pleased you're OK.
We all are.
Just got caught up on the phone, you know.
A phone call?
Bill was very brave.
Good. Good, Billy, good.
Bill. He wants to be called Bill now. Oh.
Great...Bill. I like that.
I'll see you tomorrow.
'Dee? Dee!'
I don't have time for this!
Then, go and leave me alone!
You're going to school. And before you claim you're sick,
I'm pretty sure a hangover's not contagious.
The time before the time again, the way time turns, it turns again.
I have no idea what that means.
I don't want to go to school today. Do you have a good reason why not?
No.
Well, then, come on, then. Leo specifically requested me on set...
What does he want from you this time?
I won't ask again!
OK.
14 boxes.
Of what? They delivered everything they have, and they're early.
Is that a problem? It's good, it's tit-for-tat.
We give them the tit, tell them that
their witness is lying about the Chevy -
thank you broken, tail light, thank you, Jerry.
This is their tat back.
They are trying to catch us on the hop, bury us.
Their tat looks pretty thorough.
That's just the evidence they intend to use, not the evidence they don't.
We've got a schedule for that.
Got to go through that too, mark what we want.
I'm hoping for at least eight more boxes.
At least.
Anyway, we're combing through, finding the nits.
And one chewy bit - Rebecca claims that during the attack,
a runner knocked on the door
alerting Paul that he had a prior appointment. A runner?
Isn't that what you call them?
Anyway, someone might have heard something.
Rebecca can't decide, though, if it was a man or a woman that knocked.
So, they are looking for him or her, but they haven't found him or her.
It's all pretty desperate.
Even the press has turned.
Your Danielle has done us a favour.
Has she? The note was a masterstroke.
"I choose to believe."
I mean, they could have bit us on the bum,
but it turns out that driving a car into a complainant's house
has actually been interpreted as, "My daddy's innocent,
"and this is how much I mean it."
And thank God, she's OK.
OK. We need you in two different rooms.
Paul, you are in our evidential suite.
Marie, you're with Zoe, she asked for some time.
With me? She charges 400 an hour, so answer well, but answer quickly,
OK?
Are they likely to call me in the trial?
Them?
No.
Always backfires, calling the wife.
Backfires? Why?
They can't go after you too hard, juries don't like it.
And going after you soft risks the juries thinking, well,
if this woman can love him, then why can't we?
Sounds almost like a game.
We might call you.
Maybe.
It depends on whether we think it would benefit the case or not.
So this is an audition?
Tell me about him. What would you like to know?
A happy marriage?
Well, we're still in love.
I consider that an achievement.
I still love him, he still loves me.
That is an achievement.
And, the infidelity.
He slips. Regularly?
Yes. There's talk you have some sort of deal with him.
Not a deal. I just ask that he be honest.
And is he honest?
Yes, I believe so. So if he were to, say,
sleep with someone in this office, he'd tell you about it?
Yeah. How soon after the event?
Next time I saw him. And that honesty, it doesn't hurt?
It sounds quite raw, to me.
Well, that's a negative way of putting things.
What's a positive? That I trust that he loves me.
Better, well, I know that he loves me.
And that these weaknesses are not relevant to that.
It's a Catholic thing?
No.
It's a love thing.
I'm going to need to ask you some questions about your sex life.
I'm fully prepared to answer any questions.
Good. Paul has a large sexual appetite?
Well...
I'm the wrong woman to ask.
I've never slept with another man.
How many times a month would you say you had sex?
Don't mind me.
Er, twice a week.
I suppose that's eight times a month, maybe more.
Is that above average?
Do you have a regular position?
Missionary? You on top?
Well, my husband's a big man,
so it tends to be me on top.
Is the sex ever violent?
No. Never in fun?
He never pins you to the bed, never holds your wrists,
never pulls your hair?
No, no, no, none of those things, no.
Has he ever asked you to do anything you're not comfortable with?
No. He's never objectified you?
Never asked you to perform with other men or women?
No.
Has he ever had sex with you without consent?
No. No.
There has been no time when you've felt reluctant
and he's forced himself upon you? No.
Do you consider the sex to be loving?
Well of course, always.
And yet he has sex with other women?
Yes. Do you think that sex is loving?
The sex he has with other women?
Is that relevant to your deal... sorry, your arrangement?
No, I don't think that that sex is loving.
And I don't like my husband for feeling that he needs it,
but in the absence of my being able to persuade him of that,
I hold on to what I have.
My family.
Great news about Dee!
Yeah, great.
We're still with you, you know that?
Ready? And, action!
You see, the problem is, you thought it was solid ground.
The problem was... It wasn't solid.
In many ways, it's the opposite of solid.
It's the water that did it.
You know what water and mud make?
Puddles? Trouble. That's what they make, my old mate.
Trouble. I was expecting you to say something
about it being good for ducks.
Now, never trust a man or animal with a beak.
My mother always told me, and my father had a beak.
Well, as interesting as your mother is...
They had to take him to the doctor in the end, my dad.
You should have seen the bill!
Oh, for fuck's sake!
Cut! Reset.
It's like a monkey driving a bus.
I just don't understand how this is my problem.
Ratings are down.
I know. The channel may look to make some changes.
I don't want the change to involve a beautiful,
moving death scene of one of my main characters.
They'd do that?
Can I just say my balls ache, it's fucking cold in here!
He seems to think the problem is Carl.
Can we do something about Paul's balls, please?
He's wrong.
'I don't want you overreacting.'
They don't understand, he's slowing things down,
stopping me actually. I know he's always improvised... They like what he's doing.
They just want you to try to match his energy.
Well, then, even more time will be wasted.
You're not listening.
They want two of him.
Not two of you.
The ratings are down.
And they want to try to refocus the show slightly,
and they want to be sure that you're not going to make that difficult
for them. In particular, difficult for Carl.
Where's Leo telling me all of this?
Good question. But I am.
And that's OK. Spineless cunt.
You know the one thing I've always admired about you?
Your ability to adjust.
When one thing doesn't work, there's always another thing.
And that's how you tell me to cope with our daughter.
What's your phrase? "Survival is momentum."
This is only humiliating if you let it be.
You used the word,
I didn't.
I'm going for a smoke. Paul.
I smoke alone.
Thank you.
Not at all.
I was delighted you came round.
You can't remember?
No. I don't.
1980, you, me and him.
After the first series of Crooked Peaks.
Japes wasn't even a twinkle in the channel controller's eye.
I don't remember.
You said you needed a swim.
It was midnight, we didn't have our swimming gear with us.
What, we went in naked?
You were so forthright about it.
Stripping before we'd even had a chance to think.
No. I don't remember this at all.
I was still... not used to women.
I'd slept with maybe three.
Not in my underwear?
I said to him that night,
"If you ever get tired of her, I'd love to take her out."
That's a very strange thing to say, ask permission.
Well, I needed to check how serious he was about you.
What did he say?
He said...
..he didn't think he was tired of you,
he wasn't sure he ever would be.
Come on then, in we go!
I loved those times with the two of you.
Those were the times I loved most of all.
I meant what I said, while we were washing up.
That if he does need to spend some time in jail,
I wanted you to know you can be looked after.
That you have options.
Wow. So, er...
if he's found guilty, I divorce him and marry you?
Light entertainment's most eligible pensioner?
I never actually... I'm a mother!
Dee's a grown woman.
And how many stepfathers can claim to have changed a child's nappies?
Carl, I've never known you date a woman over 40!
I don't have the body of a 40-year-old.
One minute you're telling me to stand by him,
the next minute you're telling me to run off with you!
I didn't say... It wasn't...
You're not sure what you mean.
Well, I know how I feel.
It's not much, but it's all I've got.
I don't want him to be guilty, either.
You think I want that?
I mean,
all the things I could have told the police.
It's not about me being an opportunist,
it's just stating for the record... What could you have told the police?
I've always wanted to be with you
more than I've ever wanted to be with anyone else.
What could you have told the police, Carl?
About all the infidelity.
Marie, I love you.
Ohh!
Do you know what? I've decided, I don't mind people looking anymore.
I don't even mind the cuntsing church judging me,
because it's a kind of honesty, and they should look.
Because I may have married a monster,
and I'm the clue to who that monster really is.
Me, I'm it, and I am bored with dishonesty.
I'm not being dishonest.
Carl, you don't love me.
I'm just the closest thing you've got to an excuse
for not loving anyone else.
An excuse for a loveless life.
And I can't be weak.
I am surrounded by weakness and I can't be weak.
I just can't be.
And I'm sorry if you never found the one.
But me? No.
I'm not it.
I can promise you that.
'anything of great subtance, but it was absolutely delicious.
'And there was a little spice in there, and I just remember...'
Just spent the last few hours
watching the edited highlights of your porn collection.
OK...
Oh! Nice.
Posh!
Anyway...
..bit of a breakthrough in the unused prosecution evidence.
Not sure they've noticed it.
Been logged without thought, you see. Junior detective.
Anyway, fan letters, via your agency, from Rebecca to you,
Nice standard letters, nothing sexy.
"Dear Paul, I just wanted to apologise
"for missing your public appearance in Sheffield last week."
No, don't read the letter.
Look at the envelope. Notice the postmark?
That's what the detective missed.
This is after. She sent me this after.
See, none of this sex case stuff, you know, it's never about...
You always expect it'll be a revelation
when you understand everything, when everything becomes clear,
you know, it's the handkerchief with blood on
held by Colonel Mustard in the Billiards Room.
But surely this solves it.
What it fundamentally is about is credibility,
and these letters are good.
But confused young girl sends letters to famous man -
you know, it's not proof.
She sent me fan mail after she said I raped her.
I know, and you imagine that'd be enough,
but the truth is, you're a celebrity, she's a girl.
They know you fucked everything,
they know she's confused and vulnerable.
And when she's able to describe you quite intimately,
which she may be able to, I'd say,
"Nah. He definitely touched her, definitely rape,"
if I was a juror.
I don't understand.
Now, I haven't shown Jerome these yet, these letters,
cos I wanted to chat to you first,
so this is off the record, OK?
Just a friend giving another friend some advice. OK.
Right, imagine another scenario.
You tell the jury we had sex.
She regretted it, got a bit obsessive about it,
her mind turned it from bad sex into rape.
As a juror, I'd believe that.
We had sex?
It was a long time ago, a lot of women ago.
But that would...
I'd lie on the stand?
Unhelpful word, "lie".
It's good strategy, solves the problem, fills a hole.
If I was them, I wouldn't like that, me changing my mind.
Good. You're considering it.
I'll leave you to it.
I'm not sure this is a good idea.
By the time Zoe's through with those girls,
everyone will look like
they've changed their minds about everything.
Give it some thought. Like I say, not official advice.
I just like to win, that's all.
Thanks for the coffee.
Oh! One more thing.
Marie. Be careful with her.
With wives, when they crack, they CRACK.
We need her beside us on this one.
I've put Marie through a lot. Never this, though, mate.
Never this.
Oh...
I should have thought to come and collect this.
Well, I wouldn't have wanted you here without me, to be honest.
Do you want some help? No.
'Hello, and welcome to a brand-new series of Smuggle...!'
Why are you watching this? I feel like we should.
'It's fast, it's furious, it's dangerous.
'It's quizzing, ladies and gentlemen.
'It's quizzing.'
'No, honestly, it's an honour to be here
'on a show that I've long admired,
'if only for the fact that this is the one show I've been on
'that my gran would actually choose to watch.'
Aren't you going to answer it? No.
It could be something important.
Well, he'll leave a message, then, won't he?
'Shall we meet the contestants?'
You're angry with him. No.
Are you angry with him cos he's not seen me? No.
Because that's fine, OK?
I feel like I've got a clear head.
The car crash gave you a good spring clean, did it?
I'm just saying that it's safe, like, not to worry about me.
It's safe? Now?
I'm much better...than I have been...
..in a long, long time.
Time before,
the time again,
the way time turns, it turns again.
Is that a poem?
I'm sorry if I haven't been what you needed.
But it always felt like it was him and you,
and you never even needed me.
And you did this.
And I thought we'd lost you.
And I felt so ashamed.
That's an extremely Catholic way of looking at it, Mum,
making my sin your sin.
I'm the fuck-up, not you.
You may only see him in you,
but there's a lot of me in there, too.
You missed a very good opportunity to tell me I'm not a fuck-up there.
But that's OK, I absolve you.
Now, fuck off home, would you?
Please?
10 to 1 she isn't wearing any knickers.
It's all the rage now, you know, no knickers.
Carl, take the bet. What bet?
Are you ready for me to take your order?
Rebecca, love, this menu's confusing the fuck out of me.
Could you come over here, do you think?
It's about the steaks.
How rare do they come?
Because...I like my blood, youngster.
We can do them rare. Ah!
Four steaks then, please. You'll join us, Marie?
Not in everything, Leo, but steak's OK.
Make sure he tips you well.
You're a bad man. He's right.
And a slightly richer man.
Lunch is on you, Carlio. No knickers - none at all.
Don't you worry, I'll get you an advert to pay for it. Hang on!
What a treat for my team, my wonderful boys.
What a treat, ey, Marie? Oh, yes, an absolute treat.
I'd like to change my testimony.
As I think the Sergeant explained, the case is no longer in my hands.
We've charged you. You've come to the wrong place.
But I remember her. I remember Rebecca Thornton.
I'm sure you do.
Tell your lawyers.
You know, there's...one thing I don't understand.
Everyone loves you.
Everyone's throwing money at you,
everyone applauds whenever you speak.
How come you want to do damage to women?
I don't. I don't do damage to women.
I'm pleased your daughter's made a full recovery.
I thought you'd be home.
Well, you weren't home, so I went out.
I was with Dee. You missed Smuggle.
72 episodes - first one without me in it.
Do you want to ask me about her?
I don't know how he did, I couldn't bear to watch it.
Simon phoned, said it wasn't the same.
I think he was just pissed off that he couldn't get a client to do it.
He also said...
..that he had a meeting at the BBC
and that people were asking after me.
And he says that's happening more and more.
You've got a bit of colour in your cheeks.
Have I?
What can it be, I wonder?
Anger, resentment? Love, shame?
Jerry thinks you're vulnerable, thinks you might leave us.
He thinks we need you.
He says wives often crack. I am not cracking.
Anyway, I was out because I went to the police station.
What? To do what? Well, nothing, as it turned out.
It turned out I went to the wrong place.
But I wanted to make it official.
We're going to say I slept with her.
Slept with who? Rebecca Thornton.
What? Why?
It makes the case harder to refute.
And did you? Sleep with her?
It makes a better story.
We had sex, I didn't want to see her again.
She wrote fan letters to me, you see, after the event.
So the thinking is, we suggest a rape claim as a revenge,
because I didn't stay interested in her.
Did you fuck her?
You...you're not listening. It's a sound legal...
Did you fuck her, Paul?
I honestly can't remember.
No, you would have told me.
You would have told me if you did.
There may have been people, other women,
that I didn't tell you of.
None of them meant anything. Nothing significant.
I was trying to protect you. Who knocked on your door that day?
Interrupting you, they were interrupting you for me.
Who knocked on your door? It wasn't a runner, was it?
I don't remember the DAY, Marie, let alone some door knocker.
Are you sure you didn't hurt her?
I wouldn't. You know that.
I'm not sure I know anything anymore.
'Carl!'
Carl?!
Carl! Marie?
I need to find Paul!
He's doing lines, I think. It's Dee.
What? Dee's taken a turn for the worse.
What?
They said she's taken an overdose.
He's in his trailer. I'll get him.
He's with the director, I think. Get the car running, let me...
I'll extract him, I'll run.
Paul! Paul!
She's not looking her best. We had to use charcoal.
What has she taken? A cocktail, really.
There was quite a lot of alcohol in her system,
some kind of barbiturate and some cocaine.
Cocaine?
She's 15. It doesn't look like any long-term damage has occurred.
We're going to want to keep her in overnight.
Dad? Daddy?
Darling. It's OK. You're OK now.
What time is it?
After three.
OK, so...I've got a big filming day tomorrow,
so...we should probably head back.
You go. I'll stay.
You know she won't want you here, don't you?
Yeah.
Do you ever think we damaged her?
No!
Do you ever think I damaged her?
Because I don't know what you do for her that I don't.
Don't know why she loves you but not me.
I'll see you back at home.
You're here. I can go if you'd rather...
I sort of expected you to come sooner. No excuses.
No excuses I accept - no reason I find more difficult.
OK. Am I expected to do this all on the doorstep?
That note, the note you left in the car - it was beautiful, actually.
It was brief, anyway. Brevity's an underrated quality, I think.
It wasn't suicide. I know.
If it was suicide, it would've been shit suicide and I wouldn't do it shit. I know.
It was also not a cry for help.
I'm not going to embrace that stereotype either.
It wasn't shit suicide or a cry for help.
You're simply a terrible driver. No, I'm just an idiot.
I'm a lucky idiot. Let's just keep it like that.
Do you know, the question I always get asked...
..as a man with a long career behind him...
..is, "What was your hardest job?"
and I always say, "Teaching my daughter to drive." I always say it.
They never print it, but I always say it.
They never print the interesting things I say, just the bitchy things.
I've helped your case. Well, you've certainly done SOMETHING.
Dad. Do you know, I tried it once. Suicide.
Not that this with you is...
I was 13, and I took 22 aspirins
that I'd stolen from the chemist's in town.
And then I vomited most of them back up again,
and then I got this horrible gastric flu,
but no death, as you can see.
Pills are just a terrible way to go. They're just messy.
I know driving a car into a brick wall, it's messy, messy,
but they're also not the method I'd recommend, for future reference.
Have I told you about my dad? Doing family history?
Maybe I should get some biscuits.
He wasn't a brave man, my dad, but for some reason
he signed up to fight in World War II. Volunteered, you know.
Fought for the Crown, fought for the Brits. Fuck knows why.
He must have been a braver man in those days.
And he came back from that.
Nearly 5,000 came home to Ireland and he came back and his mind was...
God knows what'd happened to it. And he was called a traitor.
Called a collaborator. He didn't even get pity.
And your grandmother hated him for it as well. Yeah, I never liked her.
He used to piss the bed and she would throw the sheet over
the balcony in the tenements so everyone could see what a weak man he was.
And when he beat me, she never hid that either.
We like a strong woman in our family.
It's a hard thing to live
a life without pity, particularly when you deserve it.
He never fucked me...
..but he did touch me when he beat me.
You know, he'd touch himself.
He didn't think I saw but of course I did.
There was one time, he had me with my hands tied over
the back of a chair, bare arse,
he was beating me with this big studded belt - my belt, actually -
I fancied myself as a bit of a rocker in those days, twat that I was -
and he was halfway through and I turned the chair around
and grabbed his erection with my tied hands
and twisted it for all I was worth.
I looked into his eyes as I did it.
Didn't say anything.
Didn't need to.
He never touched me after that.
Then the next year, discovered comedy,
I met your mother and I just fucked offski.
And if I told that to somebody, they would assume that I was guilty.
The abused become the abusers, after all,
not realising...
that I've spent my entire life trying not to be that man.
And I've succeeded.
And then they did this.
And in that moment, when they accused me of being him,
I finally understand what it is to be him,
because when I want sympathy I get suspicion,
and when I want pity I get hatred.
Which is to say thank you.
Thank you.
I needed you to say you believe me.
You can't imagine how much it means to me.
Did I do this? Is this my fault? Is it? Dad.
Cos I don't love much in this world.
I know we're all supposed to love one another and et cetera, but...
You're my daughter, and I don't love - I truly don't love...
..anyone as much as I love you.
That's...
nice.
That's nice to hear.
You mean it?
Of course I do.
To keep you safe.
The idea, the very idea that I might have damaged you... You didn't.
I'm here.
You do mean it. Yes.
Can I come home, Dad? What?
I want to come home on a trial. I'm not sure.
You want me...
You want me walking into the courtroom beside you.
Can I...come home, please?
I'm not sure. I don't want you damaged.
I don't want any more damage.
There is no more damage you could do.
I would like to come home.
Will you let me come home, please? I can think of nothing I'd like more.
Hello? We're home.
Marie, we're home.
And that is "we".
All of which is to say... room for a little one?
Rhetorical question. Of course there is.
Hi, Mum. She wanted to come home.
Have a little TLC, you know? Hello.
One more for you to look after, but hey, what's one more?
Once more into the breach.
One more.
All together again, just as we should be.