♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
♪ I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shining a salute to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ [Grunts]
[Chorus] * Good morning, U.S.A. *
Okay, Debs, check out that couple over there.
- [Fart] - Wait. Th-That wasn't me! I would never-
- [Farting] - [Crowd Laughing]
How great is this thing? It throws farts up to a hundred yards.
- Well, if it makes you happy. - So happy.
It has a two-gig fart library that analyzes your laughter...
- and recommends farts based on your comedic sensibility. - [Clicks]
[Man, In Cultured Accent] You enjoyed- [Fart]
Perhaps you'll enjoy- [Short Fart]
- Oh, that is nice. - Hey, guys.
- Hey, Snot. - You know Etan, my bar mitzvah study buddy.
Okay, Bubbe Judy, I'm just comin' to the end of the stairs now. Yeah, the motor stairs.
That's right. I'm almost at the bottom, so I gotta get off, okay? I gotta keep goin'.
I kno- Okay, I love you too. I have to go. Bye, Bubbe Judy.
- [Beeps] - That was my grandmother. I call her every day.
Not because I have to, because I want to. You should too.
Shaloms all around.
And, Debbie, a super shalom to you.
I didn't see you at temple this year for Yom Kippur.
You missed some off-the-hizzi atonement. You were busy?
Actually, I've sort of moved away from traditional religion.
Oh. So then might I suggest you check out theJewish mystical tradition of Kabbalah?
It's yourJudaism- [Whispers] after dark.
I didn't know you were so spiritual, Etan.
Hey, I'm spiritual too. I'm terrified of ghosts!
Well, I gotta go shave. It's been a couple of days.
But I'll catch you later, nerds. [Laughs]
I like my women like I like my dreidels- bottom-heavy?
I'll be blunt. I'm comin' on to you, Deborah. It's true. This is what's happening.
The matzo ball's in your court.
Wow. He's so... mature.
- I'm mature. - You enjoyed- [High-pitched Fart]
Perhaps you'll enjoy- [Deeper Fart]
[Laughs] He's right. I did enjoy that. Very much so.
- Has anyone seen my cell phone? - No. - Nope. Hey!
Dad, why don't you just call your cell from the land line and listen for the ring?
Because it's still on vibrate from the movies last night.
Why did I take consideration for others into account? Why?
Yes! Found it. Wait. This isn't my phone. It's not even real.
It's my phone, and it's full of jelly beans. And they are my jelly beans.
Ring, ring! Ach, it's the green jelly bean. I'm not gonna take this.
Damn it! I'll never find my phone.
You know, they should invent a way...
so that if you lose your cell phone on vibrate mode...
you can call it, enter a code and the phone rings.
That... is a great idea.
- That's a million-dollar idea, and we're gonna sell it! - What?
Oh, you're having a laugh at me.
Francine, you know I only laugh at Two and a Half Men. [Laughs]
Charlie Sheen sleeps with whores then has breakfast with a fat child.
It's funny just talking about it.
Well, Snot, that is the Super Ball conundrum:
We want them to bounce higher and higher, but then we risk losing them.
What in the world is this?
- [Clicks] - Cool!
- High-tech invitations to Etan's bar mitzvah. - * [Electronic: "Hava Nagila"]
Wow. He's rented out the fanciest ballroom in town.
Dang. For my bar mitzvah, I have to get to the park by dawn...
to get the picnic table by the swings.
It's the only one that doesn't have a swastika or a boner carved in it.
Wait. Where's my invitation?
Oh. Etan's talkin' to Debbie.
Wonder if he's inviting us as a couple? No need to wonder, Steve.
I just loaded up my question gun. Time to go answer huntin'.
Hey, Etan. Just makin' sure that-
Ooh, excuse me a moment.
- [Fart] - [Laughs Loudly]
Good stuff. Good stuff. Now, where was I?
Uh, Etan, can you give us a minute?
Sure. I gotta go set up my gift registry anyway.
I'm registering at Neiman Marcus...
or should I say, "Needless Markup." [Laughs]
Oh, Debbie, that's highbrow.
Steve, I'm sorry, but...
well, Etan asked me to be his date to his bar mitzvah, and I said yes.
What? You're dumping me for that snobby, rich kid?
Steve, I don't care that he's rich. I care that he's mature.
I'm sorry, but I need a man... not a boy.
A-A boy? Uh, c-could a boy produce tears this big? [Sobs] Huh?
She thinks Etan's more of a man than me.
You know what I think? I think a man doesn't sit around pouting.
- A man doesn't get sad, Steve. A man gets- - Even!
Oh, I was gonna say a chocolate Lab puppy.
I'm already sick of it. Can you walk it?
- There's no reason you can't walk it and get even. - Wait, I know.
Etan cares about his bar mitzvah more than anything, right?
And what do kids get for bar mitzvahs? Gifts and lots of'em.
- [Snaps Fingers] - Say no more!
Okay, say more. I don't- I actually don't know where this is going.
Etan took what was precious to me, so now I'm gonna take what's precious to him.
- That's right. I'm gonna rob Etan Cohen's bar mitzvah! [Yelps] - Oh, my God.
* ['60s Lounge Latin]
Etan took what was precious to me...
so now I'm going to take what's precious... to him.
Are you going to achieve that by rob-bing-
[Listlessly] Etan Cohen's bar mitzvah.
Okay, we got it. [Exhales]
Great job, everyone. Great job.
I just get paid the most by far, but you all make it work.
All right, Roger. Lfinished my research...
and devised the perfect plan to rob Etan Cohen's bar mitzvah.
And once Debbie sees him freak out over losin' his precious gifts...
she'll realize that he's the little boy.
- She'll be so turned off, she'll come runnin' back to me. - The fat one.
- You're still trying to win back the fat one. - Right.
Now, I analyzed blueprints of the ballroom...
and watched every heist movie from The Apple Dumpling Gang to Ocean's Twelve.
- [Groans] - I know. Don't even get me started...
on the whole "Julia Roberts playing Julia Roberts" thing.
L-It wasn't even a little wink to the audience.
- It was a huge plot point. - I know!
Anyway, the planning stage is over.
- Time to assemble my crew. - I'm in.
Sorry, but my plan requires a crack squad of professionals- starting with a getaway driver.
A wheel man? I know the perfect guy: Lucius Mayweather.
He hustles eight ball out of a bar in East Langley.
- Are you Lucius Mayweather? - Who wants to know?
- Roger? Wh-What the hell? - Roger? No. Lucius.
You must be the white boy lookin' for a wheel man. I'm in.
For God's sakes, I'm assembling my own crew.
That cracker's got a crack in his head, if you ask me.
- [Ball Bounces, Hits Floor] - You hustlin' me, boy?
[Steve Narrating] In order for my plan to work...
I need the world's greatest computer hacker...
the world's best demolitions expert...
and the world's most flexible contortionist.
Unfortunately, I wouldn't know how to begin to get ahold of them.
Which leaves me with you three. Barry, Toshi, you know my Uncle Roger.
- [Speaking Japanese] - Yeah, on my mom's side.
- Wait. Why isn't Snot here? - Snot's too close to Etan. He'd never betray him.
But don't worry. Snot will have a role to play before this is over.
Oo-ooh.
Okay. This is the layout of the ballroom.
And this is where Etan's gift table will be.
Roger, your job will be to tell Etan that someone's trying to steal his gifts.
- That's crazy. - Trust me.
This plan has more twists and turns than Lombard Street.
You know, from San Francisco?
- Ah. - Ah. - Yep, I've been there.
Now, Roger, you'll be posing as a waiter.
A waiter? [Liltingly] Cli-ché!
No. I'll be Ernest Schlumple, Etan's long-lost great-uncle.
When the Nazis annexed Alsace-Lorraine in 1940, Ernest fled to Mykonos...
where he invented a kosher lubricant that tastes like whitefish salad but-
- You're playing a waiter. - But I've been developing my Alsace-Lorraine-Mykonos accent.
- You're not doing an accent. - Oh, yeah?
Ah, you son of a bitch, you know I'm not a fighter.
- What are you doing? - Practicing stirring.
Well, you better start practicing your cell phone pitch...
because next week we have a meeting with Global Mobile!
- My God, it's happening. It's really happening! - It's happening, all right-
unlike that catchphrase I tried to start: "Nuh-uh to your uh-huh."
[Snickers, Laughs] I'm... a fan.
* [Kettledrum Roll]
[Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, goys and girls...
Etan Cohen welcomes you to...
- maturity. - [Crowd Gasps]
♪ ["Walk Like a Man"]
- [Crowd Gasps] - * [Ends] - Welcome!
Drop your gifts on the gift table and your pants on the dance floor.
- I'm talkin' to you, Aunt Rose. - [Laughter]
- Have fun, everyone! - [Applause, Fades]
- Steve, what are you doing here? - I'm Barry's "plus one."
- Mazel tov, Etan. - Thanks, Bubbe Judy.
So glad you could make it. Special day for us all.
Stick around. I'm happy to share a little bit of... maturity with you.
Come on, Barry. Let's go drop off your gift.
Wow. This is gonna put my bar mitzvah to shame.
The only decorations I have are the police tape left over from my uncle's murder.
- Hello, Debbie. Shall we dance? - * [Disco Intro]
I don't think so, Steve.
Come on. Old times?
[Man] * It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A. *
- * [Continues] - I didn't know you danced.
I do a lot of things now- adult things.
Gave myself a prostate exam this morning...
right after I drank a big cup of coffee.
- Next time I'll reverse the order. - * [Continues]
Ah, thanks, Uncle Howie.
Excuse me, sir, but when I was in the bathroom...
I overheard a boy saying he was gonna steal your gifts.
- What? Who? - I couldn't see.
I pee sitting down because of my joints.
If I was gonna steal my gifts, how could I possibly do it?
[Man] * It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A. *
- * [Continues] - You're only spelling "A" and "C."
L-I'm signaling the deejay to play more adult contemporary.
* For young men to enjoy *
* You can hang out with all the boys *
* [Continues]
- Oop, looks like we got a request for some adult contemporary. - * [Fades]
- [Applause] - * [Soft Rock, Slow]
- [Crowd Groans] - * [Soft Rock, Different Song]
- [All Groaning, Sighing] - * [Ends] - [Applause]
- Okh! Why is it so hot? - * ["Hava Nagila"]
Etan, you've been standing here staring at your presents the whole party. Come and dance.
- No! Someone is trying to steal them. - What?
- Come on. It's the chair dance. - * [Continues]
Fine.
- * [Continues] - [Crowd Applauding, Cheering]
[Gasps] The vent! That's how they're gonna steal them.
[Gasps] It's happening. L-It's happening!
L-Let me down! They're stealing my presents.
- * [Stops] - [High-pitched Screaming] They're stealing my presents!
[Steve Narrating] See, thanks to Roger, Etan will think...
someone's trying to steal the gifts on the cart.
But that's just a misdirection. The real gifts we're after are the ones in his jacket.
[Whispers] Scams make me so horny.
[Steve Narrating] All party long, Etan's relatives will be handing him...
bar mitzvah cards, each filled with cash, checks...
and written sentiments that have no monetary worth but are emotionally valuable.
What's gotten into you? No one is trying to steal your gifts.
- Hey! - Oh, God. Sorry, Snot.
Steve, I have to wear this to my bar mitzvah!
Okay, okay. Th-Then we'll get it to the cleaners right away.
Have the valet pull our bikes around. I'll be out in a second.
[Deejay] Attention. I'm no longer accepting requests...
- for "Brick House." - What the-
- Stop him! Stop Steve Smith! - [Crowd] Huh? Huh?
Etan, what are you doing?
- Your old boyfriend stole my bar mitzvah money. - What?
The presents were just a clever ruse. He was after the money the whole time.
- Aha! - [All Gasp]
This is a card saying that Steve Smith...
has paid for a tree to be planted in Israel in your name.
[All] Aw.
[Steve Narrating] What no one will know is that Etan's money...
will already have left the ballroom...
on someone who doesn't even realize it.
And I'll sneak the money off Snot before he ever knows.
It's the perfect plan.
Oh, good. Steve, you're still here.
That is, unless Snot returns for some reason and blows the whole thing.
Hey, am I crazy, or does this stain look like El Vez, the Mexican Elvis?
- The cards. He stole them! - [Crowd Gasps]
Of course! You couldn't stand that my bar mitzvah...
is a million times more awesome than your crummy one's gonna be...
so you tried to ruin it!
[Roger Narrating] And what Steve won't know is that I have my own plan.
While everyone's focused on Snot, I'll be heading to the bathroom...
to share a doobie with the busboy in exchange for an angry "HandyJ."
Everyone thinks Snot stole Etan's money. We have to come clean.
We can't. We're in too deep. Shh. Here he comes.
[Girl] Boo.
Stealing from a bar mitzvah? Totes inappropes.
That's for robbing Etan's bar mitzvah.
- But you're skinheads. You hateJews. - What? No.
We're the Lex Luthor Fan Club. They're the skinheads.
I still don't understand how Etan's cards got in my jacket.
Uh, it's a mystery all right.
Don't worry, pal. Let's look to the future. How's your bar mitzvah coming?
- He's not going to have a bar mitzvah. - [Crowd Gasps]
- Because I'm taking him before the beit din. - I don't know what that is.
- Yeah, I may have gasped too soon. - I know I gasped too soon.
Beit din? Wh-What's that?
The beit din is a council of threeJewish elders from a temple...
which rules on matters of justice.
Yours really is a rich and fascinating tradition which we despise.
Once the beit din hears what you did...
not only will they kick you out of our temple, no other temple will take you.
You'll never be bar mitzvahed- doomed to walk the earth for the rest of your days...
as a child!
The rest of my days as a child?
[Speaking Japanese]
Shh. [Speaking Japanese]
How'd the pitch go? They didn't buy it, huh?
- We... never made it there. - What?
I must have written down the wrong address.
We ended up at an abandoned warehouse where some thugs took my wallet...
held your mother down and made her watch while they kissed my neck-
- I'm sorry. L-I can't do this. - [Whispers] Just say your line.
No! Forget it. My story makes no sense.
We have a cell phone idea, but we never get to pitch it because we get lost.
You know what? If someone wants to explain this garbage to me...
I'll be in my trailer using this script to wipe my-
* ['60s Lounge Latin]
Now Snot may never get bar mitzvahed, and it's my fault.
All because you refused to do the heist my way.
- How would you doing a goofy accent have changed anything? - We'll never know now, will we?
There's only one way to save Snot's manhood.
I have to tell everyone the truth.
Debbie. Uh, what a surprise.
- So, h-how's it goin'? - Not so good.
- I'm pretty hungry. - Oh.
- And I broke up with Etan. - You-You did?
What Snot did was unforgivable, but Etan's behavior proved he's not a man at all.
[Man On P.A.] Three large pizzas with everything.
Oh, that's for me. But... let's hang out sometime.
Uh, there was supposed to be a calzone with this.
- Did you hear that, Roger? - How Debbie didn't say hi to me? No, I didn't.
My plan is actually working. I think she might want to get back together.
Oh, but she won't if she knows I'm the one who tried to rob Etan.
- So now I can't tell the truth to help Snot. - Look. If you wanna save Snot...
the beit din has to be convinced he deserves another chance.
You need to find an expert on Jewish law to defend him.
Where am I gonna find an expert on Jewish law?
You really have to ask me that?
- Herschel Hirshbaum for the defense. - [Sighs]
Don't you worry, kid. I'll win this for ya.
- We'll get your foreskin cut off all right. - What?
This council will come to order.
The accuser will state his case.
Your Honors, our noble tribe has spent millennia...
devising a formidable code of ethics.
Snot spit on that code when he tried to steal from me!
I demand his expulsion from this temple...
and that you strip him of his upcoming bar mitzvah ceremony!
- [Quietly] Thank you. - Very well.
Does the defense have a rebuttal?
[Chuckling]
Ethics he wants to talk about? [Scoffs]
Jewish history is a history of unethical conduct.
First, the Pharisees killed Jesus Christ, the only true son of God.
- Oh, boy. - And isn't it true...
that theJews put a "secret sauce" on their Reubens...
that is actually just Thousand Island?
And who shot Gianni Versace? Was it a Jew? I don't know. It was in Miami.
All right! Enough of this meshuggaas.
Snot, you are hereby banished from this temple...
and will never be bar mitzvahed.
- No! - My bill. Just so you're not shocked when you open it...
this big hat was a lot.
I'm doomed! [Sobs Loudly]
Wait! Snot had nothing to do with stealing Etan's gifts.
- It was me. I did it. - [Others Gasp]
- What? - Snot knew nothing about it.
I planted those envelopes on him.
I did it to get back at Etan for stealing my girlfriend.
[Gasps] I'm not surprised.
Steve, how could you?
If that is the case, young man, then Snot may indeed have his bar mitzvah ceremony.
Debbie, wait. [Moans]
- Snot, I'm sorry. - "Sorry" doesn't cut it, Steve.
Look. I already lost my girlfriend. I can't lose my best friend.
I promise I'll make it up to you.
How could you ever make it up to me?
[Dance, With Sampled Voices] * Captain's log, Captain's log, Ca-Ca-Captain's log *
* Is illogical, Is illogical That, sir, is illogical *
Steve, this is amazing. But how could you afford all this?
I had a garage sale and sold all my toys. Guy's gotta grow up sometime.
[In Foreign Accent] Hello, Snot. I'm Ernest Schlumple...
your long-lost relative from Alsace-Lorraine by way of Mykonos.
Wait, how'd I get here? I think I'm cracked in the head.
Bye. Have a beautiful time.
English - US - SDH