Come on kids, breakfast is on the table.
Piss.
Mum. Have you moved the dustpan and brush?
I don't know!
Lilly, Charlie, Martha, downstairs now.
Coming!
Why aren't you dressed? Breakfast is on the table.
Where's Dad? Sleeping in a skip, probably.
Only kidding. He's back in the mobile home - skip with a roof.
I thought he was back with us. We can't have both Dad and Nana.
There's not enough room, OK?
And Nana is the one that needs help.
Nana says we don't have to get dressed today because it's Saturday.
It is not. She doesn't know what day it is.
You don't know what day it is.
I think I do.
Look at my phone, all right, and tell me.
What are you doing? Minecraft.
Oi! Give it here. Now get on with your breakfast.
I'm going to get your clothes.
Mum. Could you chuck down the kids' clothes?
There you go.
That's mine.
Oh, we've got to go, we've got to go.
Right, quick, put that on.
It's dirty! Put that on. I'm not a girl.
Get your shoes on. We've got five minutes to get out of the house, OK?
'Why? Why can't I have my kids?
'Fucking Brussels. Thank God we voted out.' Erm...
Calm down, please, sir. 'I ordered a fucking cab have an hour ago.'
Calm down, please. 'I will calm down when the fucking cab gets here.'
Morning. Morning. Morning. Morning.
'I was just wondering how to get on the dark web to do research.'
Morning, Anick. 'I've been abused.'
Don't panic, Anick. 'I want you to help me, OK?'
OK. Well, have you got anywhere you can go?
Morning. 'Well, it was my stepdad.' All right?
Um. Sorry. Well, if he's been physically abusive, you must let us know.
'Well, it was 30 years ago.' Erm, OK.
Hello, Intake Assessment, how can I help you?
'Fucking Theresa May, what's she know about kids, eh?'
Al, I've done something really stupid, I think.
Why the doubt? These aren't real, are they?
Hopefully none of this is.
It's all dream,
from which I will awake to find that, in reality,
I am Piers Morgan,
and then I can do the world a favour and top myself.
If I could be any celebrity, it would be Rihanna.
I'd get back together with Chris Brown,
and I'd head-butt him in the tip of his cock.
OK, thanks for that.
Look, you've been watering fake plants.
It doesn't matter, we've all done it.
Well, we haven't, but...
Just got a few things I need to be getting on with.
Like, for example, someone's been fat shaming kids in a playground.
Christ. You won't tell anyone, will you?
What, about the fat shaming? Yes, Nat, I will, it's my job.
No, about the plants.
I really don't think anyone will be interested.
Look, if you don't mind,
I have got to find a home for four refugee children, so...
..and booking a mini break for Catlin,
which is less of a priority in work time, but...
Hello, Al Kavanagh.
'Hello, I'm just witnessing some child abuse.'
OK, can you give me some details?
Is this a matter for the police?
'Well, I've just seen a child in a buggy with pierced ears.
'It's non-consensual mutilation.' Yeah, ring the main number. Google it.
I just had someone call up about a kid having pierced ears
like it was FGM.
You wouldn't think it was quite so humorous if you'd been with
the Ahmeds for the last three months like I have.
The Somali family?
Shit, sorry. What happened with...?
Maandeeq, yeah. Well, her mum swore blind
that she'd protect her daughter,
but now, nowhere to be seen.
I think they've taken her home to get it done.
How's your mum? Well, going downhill.
Like, this morning, she got up,
tried to make Martha go to bed
because she thought it was the evening.
Yeah, that's like when Aerosmith played this gig,
they started with their encore and they were so off their heads they
just walked offstage thinking, "Well, that gig went quick."
It just throws me out with my mum there.
You know, I actually sent the kids to school this morning with their
pyjamas on under their clothes.
Can I mention care home?
She's my mum.
I can't put her into care.
What if it's one of these places where they feed them cat food and
piss in the tea? They're not all like that.
I've got a mate that works in one, he says it's like a hotel.
He's got his name down for it, 25 years in advance.
Something really bad's happened.
Nat, it doesn't matter that you watered the fake plants.
It's not about the plants.
Two girls have gone missing from their foster family.
How long? Last night.
How old? I don't know their ages.
Where are you getting this non-information from?
PC Harris. He said to call an emergency meeting.
Well, why is he involved so quickly? They left a note.
And they're...
Why are you whispering that?
Don't want to cause offence.
It's only offensive if it's in a sentence with other words
like, "I fucking hate..."
Right, the chair of the safeguarding board has been informed.
The foster parents are on their way in, as is their teacher.
Shouldn't you be out there looking for them?
I mean, they've only been missing since end of school yesterday.
They can't have gone far.
It's important to verify their backgrounds so we know whether to
look in the local pubs or, you know...
Syria.
You assume they might have gone to Syria based on what, their names?
Hey, I'm not being racist.
Not that Muslims are a race, anyway.
And I also gave the possibility they might be getting shitfaced in the pub.
Does shitfaced have a minus sign in the middle?
Hyphen.
A horizontal line between two words is called a hyphen.
I never knew that. Does shitfaced have one?
It's optional. Welcome to the nerve centre.
Everyone, this is Mary and Mike,
Alina and Surah's foster parents.
Please take a seat.
Thank you, Nitin.
Yes? Well, I thought it would be remiss
to not involve the one person in the office who might
have some insight into the forces behind radicalisation
in the Islamic community.
You're a Hindu. Lapsed.
I've got a lot of Muslim friends,
but, I mean, the insights I gained as a police officer...
You were in traffic enforcement.
Yeah, but... Thank you, Nitin.
Sorry about that.
I'm Denise, team leader.
This is PC Harris,
our psychologist, Miss Williams, and our senior social workers,
Alastair Kavanagh and Rose Denby.
And a fat fucking lot of use you've been.
Excuse me? That's not going to help, Mary.
Well, we've been asking for support and you don't even return our calls.
This is the first time we've actually heard
there are any issues at all.
If there have been communication problems, I can only apologise.
Well, this whole department's fucked.
I mean, that idiot out there, I forget his name.
Nitin.
He told me to make sure my phone wasn't on silent in case the girls ring.
To be fair, you're not the best at answering your phone.
Oh, shut up, Mike. How about a bit of support?
I know how to check my phone.
That's yours, Mary. It isn't.
It is. It isn't.
You asked me to change it to something more distinctive
cos you kept missing your calls.
It's Jessica. I haven't got time to talk about her bloody polyps now!
And this is form tutor Mr Reynolds.
The meeting room is now sealed.
Yeah, thank you, Nitin.
Off.
I am Denise, acting up manager.
Can I introduce you to...?
Er, let's not do this. I'm terrible with names.
How does he run a classroom, then?
I know Mike and Mary and the rest of you.
You are going to be no help.
Do I know you? Either that or he's a clairvoyant.
Yes, you know me. Bike theft from the school grounds.
You said the best way to stop it would be to suggest
the kids left their bikes at home.
Yep, right. Take us through your reasons for
trying to get in touch with us.
Well, we've always tried to treat our foster kids as equals.
Friends, But lately, Surah and Alina have
started throwing it back at us.
Have Cams been involved?
Cams, who's she? Child and Adolescent Mental Health services.
Yeah, well, we did get a referral.
Oh, good. For an assessment in six months.
God, that soon? Well done.
I mean, obviously I've been aware
of Mike and Mary's concerns.
There has been a distance, a seriousness to them,
ever since they started wearing the hijab, really.
Which one's that? Head and chest.
So, they've become more religious?
Well, we've always been very open about religion.
Always said they should be free to explore and celebrate their heritage.
Which is? Syrian.
Right. I mean, I didn't want to have to say this, but... "Sleeper cell."
Oh, for fuck's sake. Read the file. They came in when they were five.
They could have easily been radicalised.
Was there a reason the children were placed with you rather
than a Muslim family when they were orphaned?
Their parents were atheists, but their larger family were Muslim.
And with their increased interest in Islam,
did that come with any change in their political opinions?
You mean, "Did they give a little cheer every Isis were mentioned on
"the news?" No. Would it be so bad if they went off to Syria, cos then
we could give their places to a couple of your refugee kids, Al.
Briefly, Al, where are we on that?
Struggling. We are trying to keep them together as a family,
but no-one is prepared to take on four traumatised siblings who
witnessed the brutal murder of their parents.
None of our local well-meaning Christian families with a spare room?
Or a garden shed. Hello!
Can we get back onto our girls?
Yeah. Right.
Did they take any clothes with them when they left?
No. I...
I found this note.
It was in Surah's bedroom. I couldn't make head nor tail of it.
Cass, can we get your psychologist's point of view on that, please?
"Sure, we'll piss off the neighbours in the
"place that feels the tears...
"Place to lose your fears.
"Reckless behaviour.
"It's our paradise.
"It's our war zone. My enemy, my ally, prisoners, then we are free.
"It's a thriller."
Right, well, it suggests feelings of alienation,
lack of respect for authority. And, um...
a looking for release, and the breaking of conventions.
Ah. Sorry, I have to go.
I've got a kid with bipolar on the top of the Tisk hotel.
Nat, do you want to make a copy of this?
A forgery, is that legal?
No, just scan it!
We need to get MI5 involved right now.
MI5? Sorry, do you have any training in intelligence?
Are you saying I'm not intelligent again? No, I wasn't,
but your response would confirm that.
Enemies, fears, paradise, war zone.
Are you saying that could have nothing to do with terrorism?
There is just no way our girls would be involved in anything like that.
Right, I'm contacting border security.
Yeah, I'm with Mary. They're obviously going through
a strange time, but I can't imagine it's anything like you're
suggesting. And you'd know what to look for, would you?
I've done the online Prevent course.
So, they could be radicals and you wouldn't know.
I would be amazed if that was true.
That's what people always say when these things happen.
"Oh, they seemed so normal, didn't expect this."
That's exactly what they said about the Paris attacks.
No. Everyone said those guys were weird and unstable.
You know what? You lot can sit here ticking boxes,
but if the worst happens, there'll be blood on your hands.
I'm going to find those girls.
And by the time I do, you lot will still be here
checking over the minutes.
What is he saying?
He won't find them.
So, we are supposed to be reassured by the fact that the person who is
looking for our girls isn't going to find them?
Thanks.
Someone's got to get to those girls before he does.
How was it in there? All hands to the pumps?
Well, Denise won't be getting her hands dirty.
Hey, Rose, can you look at the file in the...?
Hello. Hi, Mum. 'Police, please.'
Mum, it's me. What's wrong?
'It's my daughter. She's not come home yet.
'And I'm worried about her.'
This is your daughter.
'Don't be silly. My daughter's eight years old.
'And I need to find her.'
Mum?
Oh, piss flaps.
Why don't you go and get her sorted and I'll hold the fort here?
Look, someone's got to get out and look for those girls.
OK, well, I tried geo-locating them, but that drew a blank.
How did you do that?
Because they're not tagged. Twitter profiles.
But all I got was a photo of them in a swimming pool.
That is not geo-locating.
That is cyberstalking.
OK, whatever. I did my bit,
so now I'm going to book a haircut for lunchtime.
Well, there's nothing stopping me going out and looking for them
right now. Well, if you're up for it.
Yeah. Where shall I start?
I'm not really up with where teenage girls hang.
In my day, it would have been Our Price
or pick and mix counter at Woolworths. Pubs.
Try all the pubs. Let me pull their photos from the files.
'Hello?' Oh, hi, Mum.
Yeah, I'm just going to walk out of the office, OK?
So that I can hear you.
So, Nitin. Why's this haircut so important?
Please tell me you have a job interview.
It's kind of an interview...
but for sex.
You're becoming a porn star?
No, Al, I have a date.
A date! Oh, wow.
So, your two years of being left swiped on Tinder are finally over.
Ha-ha. Actually, it's a friend of Nat's.
A friend or someone upon whom she wishes great harm?
She's really lovely actually.
And, erm, she's been through a hard time recently.
A bit damaged.
So, I thought she could do with some cheering up.
And Nitin fits into that how?
I'm actually a very charming man.
She's been through a horrible divorce.
She just needs to get back out there.
Oh, so, that makes more sense.
So, low standards. Low self-esteem.
So, how did you describe Nitin to her?
Handsome.
But everyone lies when they're setting up blind dates.
And just as someone who will be really grateful
because he doesn't get much.
I sold him as a sort of practice date to get her back on the horse.
You know, not a long-term prospect, just a bit of fun.
Well, you're not go to say anything about that than?
I just find it a bit too painful.
Yeah. There we are.
Oh, before I go, Nitin. Yeah, ha-ha, I'm a pity shag.
No, actually, I was going to give you this.
It's the name and number of a barber.
Are they from the 1950s?
I don't think people call them barbers any more.
I thought the term was resurgent with the millennials.
Do you go there yourself?
Oh, no. OK, yeah, that makes me more interested.
Don't get me wrong, I mean, your hair's...
You know, it's hair that's been...
It's been cut. But I just need something
that's going to make more of a statement.
Yeah, your hair is about as wild as you are, Nitin.
I know you've got me down as Mr Conventional, Al,
but I do have a jazz side.
Yeah, it's not expressed through hair though, is it?
Well, it might be. Martin, thank you.
Yes. I owe you an equivalent recommendation.
Not money. I can't give you any money, just to make that clear.
Mum!
Hello, dear.
You're back early.
Got the kettle on. Thank God you're here.
Well, why wouldn't I be?
Because you rang and said I wasn't here
and you were going to look for me.
No, I didn't.
You did. You're getting confused a lot, Mum, at the moment.
I just don't know.
Look, Mum,
I hate saying this, but I'd really think that it's time that we...
We started thinking about you maybe going...
..to a home.
But I've got a home.
This one. No, Mum, this is my home.
You live somewhere else.
Why aren't I there then?
Well, because you need help at the moment.
But I'm not really sure what I've got to offer you any more.
I understand what you mean.
Sorry, Mum.
So, when are you moving out then?
Listen, you know your mate at the care home?
'Are you coming round to it then?'
Well, you know, as long as they're not
chained to the walls or eating out of troughs,
yeah, I am prepared to consider it.
'Well, I've already spoke to him
'and you're welcome to pop round and a room has just become available.'
What? You mean someone's just died?
'Yep. Working at an old people's home
'must be like being at a permanent murder mystery party.
'Not that they're being killed, but...'
Do you know what? Think I might head down there,
so that she can have a look at the place. I've got to get this sorted.
Oh, hi. Have you seen these missing girls at all?
Excuse me, sir... Already gave.
Facebook in work hours? Don't let Denise catch you.
Oh, Catilin goes ape if I don't immediately like her posts.
But I was actually working until a few moments ago.
Just looking at the girls' Facebook pages.
I thought you took the piss out of Nitin for looking at their tweets.
Yeah, but he doesn't know what he's doing.
But I've been looking at who their friends are, where they go,
what they do. I think I've built up a pretty good profile
of their behaviour, just based on relationships.
Frequent locations.
You'd make a great copper.
How dare you?
Actually, I should send this to the police. To PC Harris?
Well, not just to him. He'd probably send it back
saying it had been printed upside down.
Yeah, but it wouldn't have been printed upside down.
He'd just be reading it the wrong way up.
Yeah, I was making a joke about him being stupid.
So, we don't think they're terrorists or anything?
No. No, I mean they're interested in Islam.
Apparently, their grandfather was an Iman.
But, no, they only started wearing the hijab
when they got tattoos behind their ears to cover them up.
The foster parents don't mind, but the school don't like it.
Tattoos, that explains the lyric.
Sorry? What? What lyric?
You know, a note.
"So, we'll piss off the neighbours.
"In the place that feels the fears, the place to lose your tears.
"Yeah, reckless behaviour."
It's from Pillow Talk, Zayn Malik's single from his debut album.
Who is that?
It doesn't matter. Can you just Google them for me?
It broke my heart when he left 1D and dumped poor old Perrie,
but he's got his head screwed on, our Zayn.
There's a secret gig in London tonight.
Well, not so secret if you're a fan girl.
Then you'll know it's at Koko.
For once, your vacuous pastimes have paid off.
Really? My guess is they're in the queue.
I've got a contact in the Met. I'll get onto him, too.
Nat, you are a genius.
Thank you.
Listen. I, er, ran it up the flagpole.
My theory. And the consensus is I might be going off the deep end.
You don't say. Well, Nat reckons that note was by Zayn Malik.
I knew it! Isis preacher.
No. From One Direction.
And Al's police mate in the Met
is going to a secret gig in London tonight to track them down.
So, an apology would be nice.
Do you know what, mate? If you get it wrong,
maybe you get a slap on the wrist in a seminar.
I've only got to be wrong once.
I'm sorry, you're under pressure as well.
And we all die. Oh, now, see.
Now, you've blown it. Because for a moment there,
I had actual sympathy for your position.
But now I think you probably wear Batman underpants.
Why didn't you say anything in the meeting?
Sometimes, I'm concentrating so hard on taking the notes,
I don't actually process what's being said until much later.
OK, I'm going to take back the genius tag, but well done.
Hey, we think we've found the girls.
There is a secret Zayn Malik gig.
Zayn who? I respect you for not knowing that.
I didn't know it myself. Well, thank God they're all safe.
Yes, well, hope so.
Not been found yet, but they're more likely to be there
than on the Turkish-Syrian border.
Excuse me, hi.
Have you seen these missing girls?
You'll have to buy a drink first.
OK. A sparkling water.
That'll be ?2.20.
So, have you seen them? No.
Right. Well, you have a marvellous day.
And I hope you get bought out by Wetherspoon's.
The police confirmed the girls have been seen on CCTV
and they're out on the way to be picked up now.
Wow! So, I'm going to ring the foster parents.
Nat can you update Denise?
Yeah, yeah, I'll tell her it was all thanks to me.
Hey, maybe I should be a social worker.
Why is that funny? I've obviously got a flair for it
and there's a poster in the waiting area
that says you can be fast tracked.
In two years, I could be on your team.
I've got two years to get a new job.
Yeah, I'm not actually qualified for anything else
apart from trolling Jeremy Hunt's Facebook page.
Hello, this is a message for Mike and Mary.
It's Alastair Kavanagh from social services.
Can you give me a ring, please, ASAP?
It's good news.
Well, job done.
That feels...
Well, just plain weird.
How was that care home? My mum refused to even go in.
She just run off to look for a cab.
What, so you didn't even see it?
Oh, no, I saw it.
And the next time I see it,
I reckon it'll be on an undercover Panorama special.
Oh, really? I'd honestly rather she was in prison.
Your mate must be banking on getting Alzheimer's
through his Twilight years to cope with that place.
Oh, shit, it's the kid's school.
What have they been up to now?
Hello. 'Mrs Denby, hello again.'
Is everything OK? 'Yes, you are aware
'that your children have pyjamas...'
Yeah, yeah, no, I am aware they had
their pyjamas on under their clothes.
'Yes, can I ask why?'
It was chilly.
Well, we're going to have to...
Oh. Well, it won't happen again.
I apologise.
Bye.
Oh, happy day!
All is well with the world!
Oh, Jesus!
What happened? Well, because you tell me I'm boring,
so I told him to surprise me.
That's what you say when you're drunk in a restaurant,
not when you're getting a haircut. I've got to post this as a warning.
So, why didn't you complain when he held the mirror up?
Because he said it was on trend.
Fuck knows why I listened to him, he had spikes in his cheeks.
Anyway, it doesn't matter because you heard what Nat said.
Her friend's just using me for practice.
Sorry, she just cancelled. Why?
She just saw the pic.
Oh, for f...