1 00:00:07,720 --> 00:00:10,154 NARRATOR: Humans fear the dark. 2 00:00:11,360 --> 00:00:13,476 They fear the night. 3 00:00:13,760 --> 00:00:18,117 They fear the things in the night that go bump... 4 00:00:18,320 --> 00:00:19,639 (THUD) 5 00:00:19,720 --> 00:00:22,917 ...that go squeak... - (GATE SQUEAKING) 6 00:00:23,240 --> 00:00:25,834 ...that go click... - (CLICKS) 7 00:00:25,920 --> 00:00:29,117 ...that go creak. - (CREAKING) 8 00:00:30,240 --> 00:00:31,389 (SNORING) 9 00:00:31,480 --> 00:00:33,869 Daryl. There's someone downstairs. 10 00:00:34,280 --> 00:00:35,474 Shelves. 11 00:00:35,560 --> 00:00:36,675 (RATTLING) 12 00:00:40,480 --> 00:00:42,630 (WHISPERING) Okay. I'll go. 13 00:00:43,400 --> 00:00:46,437 This is where you say, "Wendy, no, I'll go." 14 00:00:46,640 --> 00:00:47,789 I'll go, Wendy. 15 00:00:47,880 --> 00:00:50,713 Don't be ridiculous! You're a physical coward and you're afraid of the dark. 16 00:00:50,800 --> 00:00:52,950 True. I'll call the police. 17 00:00:53,200 --> 00:00:54,758 (THUDDING) 18 00:00:56,320 --> 00:01:00,108 I will not have people I don't know touching our things. 19 00:01:05,480 --> 00:01:06,549 Mum? 20 00:01:07,600 --> 00:01:09,079 What the hell? 21 00:01:10,600 --> 00:01:13,512 NARRATOR: A creature that softly and quietly 22 00:01:13,600 --> 00:01:18,833 reaches out its six long, webbed, scaly green fingers and goes... 23 00:01:20,200 --> 00:01:21,792 Wakey, wakey. 24 00:01:22,280 --> 00:01:24,510 (BABY BAWLING) 25 00:01:25,920 --> 00:01:27,035 Oh. 26 00:01:29,680 --> 00:01:33,070 Hey, matey! It's sleepy time. What are you... 27 00:01:34,760 --> 00:01:35,988 (SIGHS) 28 00:01:39,840 --> 00:01:41,034 (CLEARS THROAT) 29 00:01:41,120 --> 00:01:44,032 Okay, squeakify... Blah, blah, blah, blah. 30 00:01:44,120 --> 00:01:46,953 Beascreamify... Grunt bum! 31 00:01:47,440 --> 00:01:50,113 Vicar! Always forget the vicar! 32 00:01:50,680 --> 00:01:51,908 Ah. 33 00:01:52,440 --> 00:01:53,919 Whoopsie! 34 00:01:55,080 --> 00:01:58,197 - (WINDSHIELD SHATTERS) - (CAR ALARM BLARING) 35 00:02:00,880 --> 00:02:03,314 VICAR: Anyone here apart from God? 36 00:02:08,600 --> 00:02:09,828 (GROWLS) 37 00:02:14,880 --> 00:02:16,108 (GROWLS) 38 00:02:16,200 --> 00:02:17,519 (SCREAMS) 39 00:02:21,760 --> 00:02:23,398 I think he enjoyed that. 40 00:02:23,480 --> 00:02:24,879 (FARTS) 41 00:02:25,480 --> 00:02:27,948 NARRATOR: This Bogeyman's name 42 00:02:28,040 --> 00:02:29,553 is Fungus. 43 00:02:30,000 --> 00:02:32,992 Fungus the Bogeyman. 44 00:02:33,560 --> 00:02:35,790 (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) 45 00:02:40,000 --> 00:02:44,000 Ripped & Corrected By mstoll 46 00:03:19,760 --> 00:03:23,116 NARRATOR: As the working night draws to a close, 47 00:03:23,200 --> 00:03:26,909 the Bogeys leave behind the world of Drycleaners, 48 00:03:27,400 --> 00:03:32,030 the bogey term for surface dwellers, i.e. You people. 49 00:03:34,720 --> 00:03:35,994 Twenty-three. 50 00:03:36,760 --> 00:03:38,239 What's that for? 51 00:03:38,320 --> 00:03:40,595 - What are we going to put on it? - Wendy. 52 00:03:40,680 --> 00:03:46,038 A shelf does not have to support objects in order to have an ontological identity, okay? 53 00:03:47,720 --> 00:03:49,836 Oh, look, it's him. Thingymybob. 54 00:03:49,960 --> 00:03:52,349 - Church bloke, teaches RS at school. - I've never seen anything like it. 55 00:03:52,440 --> 00:03:58,549 It was bright green and bristly, like a gooseberry, with fangs and mucus. 56 00:03:58,760 --> 00:04:01,228 A gooseberry with fangs and mucus? Christ, what's he on? 57 00:04:01,320 --> 00:04:02,799 I know it makes me sound a little bit mad, 58 00:04:02,880 --> 00:04:05,838 but I think it's possible that the Devil walks in Daventry, 59 00:04:05,920 --> 00:04:07,319 in the form of a monster. 60 00:04:07,400 --> 00:04:11,075 Okay, are we entirely happy that this guy is teaching RS at Lucy's school? 61 00:04:11,160 --> 00:04:15,233 Which guy? Oh, my God! It's Juicy Jake! 62 00:04:15,440 --> 00:04:17,317 LUCY: Oh, he is fit. 63 00:04:17,520 --> 00:04:18,839 - Juicy Jake? - WENDY: Right. 64 00:04:18,920 --> 00:04:19,955 Plans for the day. 65 00:04:20,040 --> 00:04:22,873 I would never have referred to my RS teacher as "Juicy Jake." 66 00:04:22,960 --> 00:04:24,791 - We know what your plans are. - He probably wasn't fit. 67 00:04:24,880 --> 00:04:26,233 - She was, actually. - How about yours? 68 00:04:26,320 --> 00:04:30,108 - Unlikely that she'd be called Jake, then. - Anybody interested in my plans for the day? 69 00:04:31,440 --> 00:04:35,399 I am going to the leisure centre, my place of employment as a manager, 70 00:04:35,480 --> 00:04:38,711 a job I dislike, but for which I am paid a salary... 71 00:04:38,800 --> 00:04:42,190 If you speak, I will disembowel you with this tiny spoon. 72 00:04:42,360 --> 00:04:45,238 A salary which just about enables us not to live like pigs. 73 00:04:45,320 --> 00:04:47,788 So you are going to write a grovelling email to Growse and Growse 74 00:04:47,880 --> 00:04:49,359 begging for your job back. 75 00:04:49,440 --> 00:04:51,271 And you are going to get on with your revision. 76 00:04:51,360 --> 00:04:54,352 - (GROANS) Oh, God! - And don't say God, it's rude. 77 00:04:57,160 --> 00:05:02,154 NARRATOR: Meanwhile, Bogeys descend to their beloved homeland, Bogeydom, 78 00:05:02,400 --> 00:05:07,428 where all that civilised humanity holds dear is considered repulsive. 79 00:05:08,160 --> 00:05:12,790 Bright light is vulgar, tidiness is antisocial, personal hygiene, 80 00:05:12,880 --> 00:05:16,634 should it ever occur accidentally, is a terrible misfortune, 81 00:05:16,720 --> 00:05:20,793 for unlike Drycleaners, the Bogeys relish muck. 82 00:05:21,400 --> 00:05:24,472 They adore eye blistering pongs. 83 00:05:24,840 --> 00:05:26,910 They love filth. 84 00:05:28,600 --> 00:05:29,828 Fungus! 85 00:05:30,200 --> 00:05:31,519 Wallow! 86 00:05:31,800 --> 00:05:33,631 You get 'em screaming? 87 00:05:33,720 --> 00:05:36,473 I had a nice bit of vicar. Horrorshow. 88 00:05:36,560 --> 00:05:38,994 Always appreciative, your topside vicar. 89 00:05:39,080 --> 00:05:41,958 I like to think I set him up for the evening. 90 00:05:42,320 --> 00:05:43,355 You? 91 00:05:43,440 --> 00:05:47,115 Ooh, brace of littlies in a, er, bunk bed. 92 00:05:47,560 --> 00:05:48,913 Two for the price of one. 93 00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:50,399 Slimebags. 94 00:05:50,960 --> 00:05:54,999 NARRATOR: Slimebags, like horrorshow and other similar compounds 95 00:05:55,080 --> 00:06:00,200 we shall encounter, a casual, colloquial ejaculation meaning, 96 00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:02,954 "That's nice. How lovely." 97 00:06:04,120 --> 00:06:05,553 Good evening. 98 00:06:07,920 --> 00:06:11,071 FUNGUS: Ah, the fug and fester of the old slum. 99 00:06:12,880 --> 00:06:16,316 Oh, the moan away Moon stirring it up again. 100 00:06:19,240 --> 00:06:20,593 Now 101 00:06:23,120 --> 00:06:24,155 that reminds me, 102 00:06:24,240 --> 00:06:28,597 must get Mildew some really pimple squalor stems for our anniversary. 103 00:06:32,480 --> 00:06:35,199 Mmm. Scrummy bummy. 104 00:06:38,520 --> 00:06:39,509 (INHALES) 105 00:06:39,640 --> 00:06:42,393 Properly fuscous and maggot scum. 106 00:06:45,560 --> 00:06:49,553 Hmm. Or maybe try and catch a noxious niff at the Odeum. 107 00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:53,992 "Foetid. Leprous. Pullulating." 108 00:06:54,440 --> 00:06:56,158 Hmm, that's right up my blowaga. 109 00:06:56,240 --> 00:06:57,958 Have to get a whiff of that. 110 00:06:58,040 --> 00:07:02,830 NARRATOR: Interestingly, it's not always the most extravagant acts of bogeying 111 00:07:02,920 --> 00:07:05,753 that have the greatest impact on the surface world. 112 00:07:05,840 --> 00:07:12,518 Take for instance the remarkable chain of events started by a simple falling tile. 113 00:07:12,760 --> 00:07:15,877 Ring renty people for fix roof tile! Look at car! 114 00:07:16,000 --> 00:07:18,639 And I tell you this house is jinxed. 115 00:07:18,760 --> 00:07:21,513 What is jinx? Who is jinxing? You are old crazy woman, Harry! 116 00:07:21,600 --> 00:07:24,160 Morning, Basienka. Morning, Harry. 117 00:07:24,240 --> 00:07:26,276 I am so sorry about your car. 118 00:07:26,640 --> 00:07:31,475 If it's any help at all, I can offer you a further 33% off the full leisure centre package. 119 00:07:31,560 --> 00:07:33,232 And how does that help us, Wendy? 120 00:07:33,320 --> 00:07:37,916 Well, normally there's a £100 joining fee, but I'm very happy to waive that just for you. 121 00:07:38,080 --> 00:07:39,195 She waive us pounds? 122 00:07:39,280 --> 00:07:41,669 Wendy, with respect, love, we've already told you, 123 00:07:41,760 --> 00:07:44,399 we're not interested in joining your bloody leisure centre. 124 00:07:44,480 --> 00:07:45,549 Super. 125 00:07:45,640 --> 00:07:49,394 - It's not super, you stupid, toffee-nosed... - And it's Wendy. 126 00:07:50,280 --> 00:07:52,919 Hey! Ask them if they want any shelves. 127 00:08:14,920 --> 00:08:16,512 (MICE SQUEAKING) 128 00:08:29,200 --> 00:08:30,394 - Boo! - Ooh! 129 00:08:30,480 --> 00:08:33,677 Don't touch me with those hands! They're all clean and dry. 130 00:08:33,760 --> 00:08:37,548 Mmm, smells abominable. What is it, my direling? 131 00:08:37,960 --> 00:08:40,599 I'm afraid it's just slobbages again, 132 00:08:40,680 --> 00:08:42,318 but they've got a good crust. 133 00:08:42,400 --> 00:08:45,358 Fartwinkle. You can't beat a crusty slobbage. 134 00:08:51,920 --> 00:08:53,512 (EXHALES) 135 00:08:55,520 --> 00:08:58,239 Mmm, sputumfester. 136 00:08:58,680 --> 00:09:00,750 Every day you snort your trousers, 137 00:09:00,840 --> 00:09:04,628 and every day they're thoroughly marinaded in viscous filth. 138 00:09:06,200 --> 00:09:08,873 Mildew. You're a reeking marvel. 139 00:09:08,960 --> 00:09:11,155 Be an ogre and pass the lice. 140 00:09:14,040 --> 00:09:15,155 Here. 141 00:09:15,560 --> 00:09:18,711 - Shall I shell the soggies, my direling? - Please, sourheart. 142 00:09:19,520 --> 00:09:21,476 - (GOBBLES) - Oh, don't gobble 'em. 143 00:09:21,560 --> 00:09:22,879 I need the slime. 144 00:09:23,160 --> 00:09:24,752 It's just a little one. 145 00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:28,474 (SPITS) 146 00:09:31,560 --> 00:09:33,357 Where's the bogeybaby? 147 00:09:33,440 --> 00:09:36,079 Fungus, Mould's nearly 100. 148 00:09:36,600 --> 00:09:38,670 He's starting to mutate. 149 00:09:39,080 --> 00:09:43,358 He'll be wanting to lick the boils out of bogey girls' armpits any day now, 150 00:09:43,440 --> 00:09:45,192 if he isn't already. 151 00:09:45,440 --> 00:09:46,759 (SIGHS) 152 00:09:48,280 --> 00:09:51,636 He's in his bogroom, making his homework all grubby. 153 00:09:53,960 --> 00:09:55,029 Ah! 154 00:09:55,120 --> 00:09:57,554 It's a project on Drycleaners. 155 00:09:58,720 --> 00:10:00,756 Oh, yeah. Oh! 156 00:10:00,840 --> 00:10:02,193 (FARTS) 157 00:10:02,480 --> 00:10:04,198 (MOUSE SQUEAKING) 158 00:10:14,480 --> 00:10:16,152 The Book of Bogeyology. 159 00:10:16,240 --> 00:10:18,276 That's a fine old tome, eh? 160 00:10:18,520 --> 00:10:21,796 That particular copy belonged to your grandfather. 161 00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:24,833 - Mind you don't get the pages clean. - Why, Dad? 162 00:10:24,920 --> 00:10:26,990 Well, it's got sentimental value. 163 00:10:27,440 --> 00:10:29,396 What's the point of bogeying in the dark? 164 00:10:29,480 --> 00:10:33,109 If the Drys don't see us, how do they know we've ever been there? 165 00:10:33,560 --> 00:10:34,834 Well... 166 00:10:35,960 --> 00:10:38,428 (FARTS) It's The Social Contract. 167 00:10:39,160 --> 00:10:41,037 NARRATOR: The Social Contract. 168 00:10:41,160 --> 00:10:46,393 Drycleanerkind and Bogeydom exist in a state of symbiotic harmony. 169 00:10:46,720 --> 00:10:48,392 Humans crave fear. 170 00:10:48,720 --> 00:10:51,518 It is their pleasure to be frightened. 171 00:10:51,600 --> 00:10:54,478 It also teaches them respect for their difficult environment. 172 00:10:54,600 --> 00:10:57,512 Bogeys furnish the necessary terror. 173 00:10:57,600 --> 00:11:03,232 In return, the grateful surface-dwellers collect all their most toxic detritus, 174 00:11:03,680 --> 00:11:08,231 rotting rubbish and radioactive slurry, and deliver it to Bogeydom, 175 00:11:08,400 --> 00:11:11,870 by burying it in what they call "landfill". 176 00:11:12,160 --> 00:11:17,188 The seepage of these deposits dirtifies our water and empoxulates our food. 177 00:11:17,520 --> 00:11:20,353 - So... - Yes, blah, blah, I've read the page. 178 00:11:20,440 --> 00:11:22,670 But why are they not supposed to see us? 179 00:11:22,760 --> 00:11:25,069 Ah, the great paradox, Mould. 180 00:11:26,800 --> 00:11:28,153 Look at you. 181 00:11:28,240 --> 00:11:30,151 You're a fine figure of a bogey boy. 182 00:11:30,240 --> 00:11:34,552 Buboes on your chest, and a perennial infection I can smell halfway down the street. 183 00:11:34,640 --> 00:11:39,953 Folk 'round here see you coming, they rejoice, but up there, oh, it's all back to front. 184 00:11:40,040 --> 00:11:41,837 You'd scare the Drys to death. 185 00:11:41,960 --> 00:11:45,316 That is why we only do Drys who won't be believed. 186 00:11:45,520 --> 00:11:47,909 Children. Politicians. Vicars. 187 00:11:48,080 --> 00:11:50,799 Well, if no one believes us, what's the point? 188 00:11:51,280 --> 00:11:53,396 Your grandmother Fistula. 189 00:11:55,680 --> 00:11:59,116 FUNGUS: Oh, bog, she was a damned revolting looking woman. 190 00:11:59,200 --> 00:12:03,876 As a tiny bogey, I'd sit on her lap while she fed me from her middle breast. 191 00:12:04,320 --> 00:12:09,997 Oh, yes, she always saved the really putrid stuff for me, and she'd speak about Bilge, 192 00:12:10,320 --> 00:12:12,231 your celebrated grandfather. 193 00:12:12,320 --> 00:12:13,878 - Fungus... - She'd say. 194 00:12:13,960 --> 00:12:17,350 ...your father Bilge is one mighty Bogey. 195 00:12:17,480 --> 00:12:21,951 Every night, when you're asleep and farting in your stinking cot, 196 00:12:22,200 --> 00:12:25,556 he puts on his boots and he goes Up Top, 197 00:12:25,640 --> 00:12:30,270 where the sky is huge and the air is cruelly clear. 198 00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:35,351 He goes up there for you and for me and all of Bogeydom. 199 00:12:35,920 --> 00:12:39,959 But he also goes for the sake of Drycleanerkind. 200 00:12:40,880 --> 00:12:46,034 But, Mummy, do the Drycleanseses forget us when they are growed up? 201 00:12:46,440 --> 00:12:48,954 They forget the Bogeymen, my pus. 202 00:12:49,480 --> 00:12:51,948 But the fear never leaves them. 203 00:12:53,800 --> 00:12:55,074 (VOMITS) 204 00:12:55,240 --> 00:12:57,595 Oh. (CHUCKLES) 205 00:12:59,480 --> 00:13:02,950 But what if Bilge just didn't go? What if none of you went? 206 00:13:03,040 --> 00:13:04,712 What if there was no bogeying? 207 00:13:04,800 --> 00:13:07,792 No bogeying? That's madness. 208 00:13:08,160 --> 00:13:10,151 There'll always be bogeying. 209 00:13:10,280 --> 00:13:14,512 And you're going to be a fine Bogeyman, like your grandfather. 210 00:13:14,960 --> 00:13:17,554 - Now, you do your best... - Do your best? 211 00:13:17,720 --> 00:13:19,870 Is that the best you can do? 212 00:13:20,760 --> 00:13:21,909 Right. 213 00:13:39,880 --> 00:13:41,552 Ah. (FARTS) 214 00:13:53,200 --> 00:13:55,191 Right. (GRUNTS) 215 00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:57,154 Okay. 216 00:13:57,520 --> 00:14:00,193 So, special holiday offer. 217 00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:04,519 First month free, no joining fee, sign up with a friend, 218 00:14:04,600 --> 00:14:08,832 you get mates' rates discounts. Sign up with a friend, what do you get? 219 00:14:09,360 --> 00:14:10,634 Leaflets. 220 00:14:10,720 --> 00:14:12,790 No, no, you're handing out the leaflets. 221 00:14:12,880 --> 00:14:14,711 Carli, what do you get? 222 00:14:15,080 --> 00:14:17,753 Sorry, I thought you was talking to Carly. 223 00:14:18,360 --> 00:14:20,635 Carli with an "i", what do you get? 224 00:14:20,920 --> 00:14:22,194 Leaflets. 225 00:14:27,280 --> 00:14:28,474 Okay. 226 00:14:33,640 --> 00:14:34,834 My direling. 227 00:14:35,200 --> 00:14:38,351 Surprise starter, bubble and squeak. 228 00:14:38,560 --> 00:14:39,834 Oh. 229 00:14:44,960 --> 00:14:47,394 (SNIFFS) 230 00:14:49,080 --> 00:14:51,992 What is that, Fungus? Can you smell? 231 00:14:52,480 --> 00:14:53,959 (BOTH SNIFFING) 232 00:14:54,040 --> 00:14:56,918 Oh, something's definitely not gone off in here! 233 00:14:57,000 --> 00:14:59,036 (SNIFFING) 234 00:15:00,680 --> 00:15:01,954 It's you! 235 00:15:02,040 --> 00:15:04,395 Oh, Fungus, your Funk! 236 00:15:04,720 --> 00:15:07,188 Your wonderful eye-watering stench! 237 00:15:07,280 --> 00:15:08,554 What's wrong with it? 238 00:15:08,640 --> 00:15:10,790 I've never had trouble with my Funk. 239 00:15:10,880 --> 00:15:12,279 It's wilting. 240 00:15:12,400 --> 00:15:15,119 Oh. Quick, my drear, muck me up! 241 00:15:16,920 --> 00:15:19,115 Ripe rotting fish-heads! 242 00:15:20,320 --> 00:15:22,880 Splash it on! Splash it all over! 243 00:15:24,120 --> 00:15:26,793 - Oh. Ooh. - That's it. 244 00:15:27,680 --> 00:15:29,989 - Splash of toilet water? - Bucket! 245 00:15:30,560 --> 00:15:31,959 Loads! 246 00:15:36,080 --> 00:15:37,195 Splash it under! 247 00:15:37,280 --> 00:15:39,475 - More under the pits! - Lift them up! Lift them up! 248 00:15:39,560 --> 00:15:41,073 That's it! 249 00:15:56,280 --> 00:15:57,633 Wallow! 250 00:15:57,720 --> 00:15:59,153 Oh. Tincture? 251 00:15:59,240 --> 00:16:01,834 Essential. Saliva, my drear? 252 00:16:01,920 --> 00:16:03,558 Two ticks. 253 00:16:04,000 --> 00:16:05,433 (FARTS) 254 00:16:06,040 --> 00:16:08,395 - How's that smell? - Nauseating. 255 00:16:09,240 --> 00:16:10,673 Horrorshow. 256 00:16:11,800 --> 00:16:14,075 - Bogeygents? - These are on me. 257 00:16:14,160 --> 00:16:17,232 - You look vile this evening, my drear. - (FARTS) 258 00:16:18,400 --> 00:16:21,870 - (CHUCKLES) - Oh, bog, Livvy! I could sail away on that one. 259 00:16:22,440 --> 00:16:25,671 Two spittoons of your finest slime, please, my drear. 260 00:16:25,760 --> 00:16:29,150 In fact, make them potties, and a bag of Krunchy Kockroaches. 261 00:16:29,240 --> 00:16:31,196 - Cheese and bunion? - Mmm. 262 00:16:31,280 --> 00:16:33,475 All right, snot nose. (FARTS) 263 00:16:34,040 --> 00:16:38,556 But your Funk is not quite as nauseating as usual. 264 00:16:39,880 --> 00:16:41,552 Anything in the paper? 265 00:16:41,640 --> 00:16:43,995 Bogey boy found using shampoo. 266 00:16:44,400 --> 00:16:46,675 The skid was drinking it, but still. 267 00:16:46,760 --> 00:16:48,716 That'll be the parents off to the Swamp. 268 00:16:48,800 --> 00:16:52,076 Sludge will have 'em excombogeycated in a sniffy. 269 00:16:52,520 --> 00:16:57,674 Call me Dry-ist, but if you can't bring up your own child to have a decent respect for filth 270 00:16:57,760 --> 00:17:02,231 and personal degradation, well, there's no place for you in Bogeydom. 271 00:17:05,000 --> 00:17:06,319 (FARTS) 272 00:17:06,760 --> 00:17:08,751 Saliva, you're a hag. 273 00:17:09,400 --> 00:17:11,516 Cheeky! (FARTS LOUDLY) 274 00:17:11,840 --> 00:17:13,592 (CHUCKLES) 275 00:17:15,080 --> 00:17:16,513 It's true, you know. 276 00:17:16,600 --> 00:17:18,079 About Snotsoup. 277 00:17:18,160 --> 00:17:19,878 She's got a twin sister. 278 00:17:19,960 --> 00:17:21,279 Yes. Yes. 279 00:17:21,360 --> 00:17:23,271 Matter of fact, I did know that. 280 00:17:23,360 --> 00:17:25,476 Syphila? Sphincta? 281 00:17:25,720 --> 00:17:28,280 - Bactoria. - (GASPS) Bactoria. 282 00:17:28,800 --> 00:17:32,190 Apparently she went topside one night, never came back. 283 00:17:32,320 --> 00:17:36,711 Centuries ago this was, but it explains a lot about old Snotters. 284 00:17:37,120 --> 00:17:42,114 Precisely what does it "explain" about Her Toxicity, Sludge Snotsoup? 285 00:17:42,400 --> 00:17:44,038 Officer Clench. 286 00:17:44,280 --> 00:17:46,475 Would you care to join us for a little fartstarter? 287 00:17:46,560 --> 00:17:48,312 Am I looking at you? 288 00:17:48,480 --> 00:17:51,552 No. No. I'll just, er, not speak. 289 00:17:58,440 --> 00:18:04,231 I think, er, what my friend was saying, er, Officer, was that the selfexcombogeycation 290 00:18:04,320 --> 00:18:08,359 of Bactoria Snotsoup may have inspired Her Toxicity 291 00:18:08,440 --> 00:18:12,228 to the very high standards of vigilance that we so admire. 292 00:18:12,320 --> 00:18:14,595 Your names are going in my scrotebook. 293 00:18:14,920 --> 00:18:16,911 - Thank you very much. - Yours first. 294 00:18:17,040 --> 00:18:19,349 Fungus. As in spreading. 295 00:18:20,040 --> 00:18:22,270 Fungus, son of Bilge? 296 00:18:22,400 --> 00:18:24,152 I have that honour. 297 00:18:26,880 --> 00:18:30,555 NARRATOR: Bilge the Impure, son of Miasma the Swinish, 298 00:18:30,640 --> 00:18:35,350 son of Scabies the Besmirched, son of Pox the Unwiped and Richly Warted, 299 00:18:35,440 --> 00:18:40,833 and in his turn, father of Fungus and grandfather of Mould. 300 00:18:41,480 --> 00:18:45,632 Bilge bestrode Bogeydom like a colossus. 301 00:18:45,760 --> 00:18:48,797 His achievement was unparalleled. 302 00:18:48,920 --> 00:18:52,879 He so relished bogeying the houses of the humans, 303 00:18:52,960 --> 00:18:56,236 that he would continue even into broad daylight. 304 00:18:56,560 --> 00:18:59,836 But not a hair of his snout was ever seen. 305 00:19:00,160 --> 00:19:02,720 A master of his craft. 306 00:19:08,200 --> 00:19:09,315 Hmm. 307 00:19:10,480 --> 00:19:11,674 (SIGHS) 308 00:19:12,640 --> 00:19:13,709 Phew. 309 00:19:13,800 --> 00:19:18,590 I remember Spasm Clench when he was just a streaky smear in his father's pants. 310 00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:23,037 (HAMMERING) 311 00:19:31,800 --> 00:19:32,994 Say it. 312 00:19:33,080 --> 00:19:35,150 Everyone's gone on holiday. 313 00:19:35,280 --> 00:19:36,998 Why can't we go on holiday? 314 00:19:37,080 --> 00:19:39,150 Because it's not a holiday for your mum. 315 00:19:39,240 --> 00:19:41,879 - She has to work. - All she does is work. 316 00:19:42,240 --> 00:19:45,038 All you do is squeak things with your spanner. 317 00:19:45,920 --> 00:19:49,708 You know, in many ways, you're very lucky, coming from a non-traditional family. 318 00:19:49,960 --> 00:19:51,109 What do you mean "non-traditional"? 319 00:19:51,200 --> 00:19:53,350 Well, your mum's the breadwinner and I'm a stay-at-home dad. 320 00:19:53,440 --> 00:19:54,919 Total role reversal. 321 00:19:55,000 --> 00:19:59,437 I bet quite a few of your off-on-holiday friends are actually quite jealous. 322 00:19:59,760 --> 00:20:01,591 Dan's got a dad and two mums. 323 00:20:01,680 --> 00:20:06,071 Lily's got two dads, and Jojo and Marie live with their aunts who are identical twins 324 00:20:06,160 --> 00:20:08,310 and one of them's an archaeologist. 325 00:20:08,400 --> 00:20:10,914 I've got a dad who hasn't got a job. 326 00:20:11,240 --> 00:20:13,515 Not exactly Angelina Jolie, are you? 327 00:20:17,160 --> 00:20:18,639 (HAMMERING) 328 00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:20,119 (BURPS) 329 00:20:21,400 --> 00:20:23,311 (BOTH GROANING) 330 00:20:25,560 --> 00:20:27,471 (STOMACHS GRUMBLING) 331 00:20:29,040 --> 00:20:31,554 (BURPING LOUDLY) 332 00:20:33,560 --> 00:20:35,676 I accept the challenge. 333 00:20:36,120 --> 00:20:37,439 Ah. 334 00:20:40,120 --> 00:20:42,429 (BURPING LOUDER) 335 00:20:44,960 --> 00:20:46,473 Five-two, to me. 336 00:20:46,560 --> 00:20:48,596 Oi, you going to throw up? 337 00:20:48,680 --> 00:20:49,874 Oh, sadly not. 338 00:20:49,960 --> 00:20:51,439 Don't worry, old scum. 339 00:20:51,520 --> 00:20:53,476 Mildew does a cracking enema... 340 00:20:53,560 --> 00:20:56,916 - Wrong end. - Works both ends, believe me. 341 00:20:57,280 --> 00:21:00,158 Oh, she's a damned ugly woman, my wife. 342 00:21:01,280 --> 00:21:02,633 (STOMACH GROWLING) 343 00:21:04,560 --> 00:21:06,790 (STOMACH CONTINUES GROWLING) 344 00:21:07,680 --> 00:21:09,796 (BURPING LOUDLY) 345 00:21:12,560 --> 00:21:14,551 - (CHUCKLING) - Right. 346 00:21:17,840 --> 00:21:19,558 (STRAINING) 347 00:21:22,120 --> 00:21:23,951 - (TINY BURP) - (GASPS) 348 00:21:25,320 --> 00:21:27,470 What's the matter with me? 349 00:21:27,840 --> 00:21:29,159 Your Funk! 350 00:21:29,240 --> 00:21:31,117 - No! - It's wilting! 351 00:21:31,200 --> 00:21:32,553 (PANICKING) 352 00:21:32,800 --> 00:21:34,950 Is that the best you can do? 353 00:21:36,480 --> 00:21:37,754 - Fungus! - Ah! 354 00:21:38,200 --> 00:21:40,953 Wherefore could not I produce a burp? 355 00:21:41,040 --> 00:21:44,874 I had most need of flatulence and the gas stuck in my throat. 356 00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:46,279 It's just a dream. 357 00:21:46,360 --> 00:21:48,555 My very Bogeyhood is compromised. 358 00:21:48,720 --> 00:21:51,029 That's just the potties talking. 359 00:21:51,120 --> 00:21:53,429 You're the bogiest Bogey I know. 360 00:21:53,560 --> 00:21:58,953 But losing my Funk, and now this, what if it's an indication? 361 00:21:59,560 --> 00:22:02,438 Now, come on, grime your face, flush your teeth, 362 00:22:02,520 --> 00:22:04,829 let's get you into bogeybed, chop chop. 363 00:22:05,320 --> 00:22:09,871 Who knows, there might be something rancid for you if you get your snakes on. 364 00:22:10,160 --> 00:22:11,673 Come on. 365 00:22:11,960 --> 00:22:13,393 Uppy-puppy. 366 00:22:13,680 --> 00:22:19,357 Mildew. You are the most septic disfigured harridan I've ever... 367 00:22:19,920 --> 00:22:21,797 Big glass of cold pus. 368 00:22:21,880 --> 00:22:24,269 Little strokey on your botty beard. 369 00:22:24,400 --> 00:22:27,631 You'll be fast a-bye-byes in a brace of peristaltic convulsions. 370 00:22:27,960 --> 00:22:30,155 I think I'm going to vomit. 371 00:22:30,240 --> 00:22:31,389 See? 372 00:22:31,480 --> 00:22:33,550 All's right with the world. 373 00:22:33,720 --> 00:22:35,392 - Come on. - (FARTS) 374 00:22:36,760 --> 00:22:38,478 So, what do you think? 375 00:22:38,880 --> 00:22:40,279 Cucumberface. 376 00:22:40,360 --> 00:22:42,874 Yeah. Yeah, it's all cucumbery. 377 00:22:43,160 --> 00:22:45,276 Does my skin look all radiant? I did radishes and that 378 00:22:45,360 --> 00:22:47,396 'cause it said it would give me the skin of a 16-year-old, 379 00:22:47,480 --> 00:22:50,631 but I'm like, do I look two years older? 380 00:22:51,600 --> 00:22:53,033 Oh, my days. 381 00:22:53,320 --> 00:22:56,073 - It's only Dean Williams. - Oh, my days. 382 00:22:56,160 --> 00:22:59,038 He's so, so year 10. 383 00:22:59,920 --> 00:23:01,512 Is he looking at us? 384 00:23:02,280 --> 00:23:03,713 I don't know. 385 00:23:06,880 --> 00:23:08,871 Oh, my God! He looked at me. He looked at me! 386 00:23:08,960 --> 00:23:12,635 Okay, just act really grown up, yeah, and sophisticated and that. 387 00:23:12,720 --> 00:23:14,119 Order a cappuccino. 388 00:23:14,200 --> 00:23:16,998 You don't have to drink it. Just look moody. 389 00:23:21,280 --> 00:23:23,714 Oh, thanks very much. 390 00:23:24,560 --> 00:23:25,834 This you? 391 00:23:27,560 --> 00:23:29,118 Long time ago. 392 00:23:29,200 --> 00:23:30,758 You wouldn't recognise me now. 393 00:23:30,840 --> 00:23:32,990 No, I'm pretty sure I would. 394 00:23:44,240 --> 00:23:48,199 NARRATOR: Despite the threat of exposure, shame and excombogeycation, 395 00:23:48,280 --> 00:23:50,555 there does exist, in Bogeydom, 396 00:23:50,640 --> 00:23:54,872 a certain regrettable, sordid, criminal appetite. 397 00:23:55,480 --> 00:23:58,074 A desire to smell, touch and taste 398 00:23:58,160 --> 00:24:01,789 the hideous commodities of the surface world. 399 00:24:02,920 --> 00:24:07,311 It is a perversion suffered mostly by the young. 400 00:24:07,600 --> 00:24:12,151 Like-minded Bogey youths gather furtively to share items of contraband. 401 00:24:12,680 --> 00:24:16,719 Soap is tasted, talcum powder is inhaled, 402 00:24:17,000 --> 00:24:19,639 soft furniture coverings are caressed. 403 00:24:19,800 --> 00:24:23,475 In extreme cases, chocolate is unwrapped. 404 00:24:24,440 --> 00:24:25,839 For those not yet addicted, 405 00:24:25,920 --> 00:24:30,596 but merely Dry Curious, this is a perilous step too far. 406 00:24:39,920 --> 00:24:41,797 Anything tasty down there? 407 00:24:41,880 --> 00:24:44,155 What do you actually want, Dad? 408 00:24:44,880 --> 00:24:46,711 I want you to be happy. 409 00:24:47,680 --> 00:24:51,559 Whenever I'm a bit uncertain about things, you know what I do? 410 00:24:52,400 --> 00:24:54,038 I lie in a ditch. 411 00:24:54,280 --> 00:24:58,114 I let the filthy water run into every crevice of my body. 412 00:24:58,920 --> 00:25:01,480 - Does that work? - Not always. No. 413 00:25:01,560 --> 00:25:05,030 But if I climb out of the ditch, all richly basted with scum 414 00:25:05,120 --> 00:25:07,429 and I still feel disenchanted, 415 00:25:08,120 --> 00:25:09,792 I go pigsticking. 416 00:25:11,000 --> 00:25:12,831 Do you want to give it a go? 417 00:25:12,920 --> 00:25:14,751 Bit of adult entertainment. 418 00:25:14,840 --> 00:25:16,512 You're old enough. 419 00:25:18,520 --> 00:25:22,354 One of the few instances in life when smaller is better. 420 00:25:22,760 --> 00:25:25,877 You get a good stick with a little one, you see? 421 00:25:27,720 --> 00:25:29,676 - (GRUNTS) - (PIG SQUEALS) 422 00:25:30,840 --> 00:25:32,034 Your turn. 423 00:25:32,120 --> 00:25:34,236 Then they slide down, you see. 424 00:25:34,320 --> 00:25:36,276 Last one stuck to the wall wins. 425 00:25:36,360 --> 00:25:37,713 Hours of fun. 426 00:25:37,800 --> 00:25:40,075 I remember this one game with Wallow, back in, ooh... 427 00:25:40,160 --> 00:25:41,718 Dad, this is tragic. 428 00:25:41,800 --> 00:25:43,597 Is this what I have to look forward to? 429 00:25:43,680 --> 00:25:46,148 Son, it doesn't get much better than this. 430 00:25:46,240 --> 00:25:48,674 - That's what scares me. - I don't understand. 431 00:25:48,760 --> 00:25:49,829 I know. 432 00:25:49,920 --> 00:25:52,832 You don't understand me because I'm not like you. 433 00:25:52,920 --> 00:25:56,390 Mould, you are the noxious grime between my buttocks. 434 00:25:56,480 --> 00:25:59,040 You are the stinking canker beneath my... 435 00:25:59,120 --> 00:26:01,588 How long can we go on pretending? 436 00:26:02,440 --> 00:26:03,589 Dad. 437 00:26:05,200 --> 00:26:06,792 I'm Dry Curious. 438 00:26:08,840 --> 00:26:11,274 That's right. Your son is a daisy-sniffer. 439 00:26:11,360 --> 00:26:14,318 What are they going to say to that down at King Baugeas? 440 00:26:15,200 --> 00:26:16,349 Mould. 441 00:26:17,080 --> 00:26:18,399 Mould! 442 00:26:22,400 --> 00:26:24,197 No son of mine... 443 00:26:29,520 --> 00:26:31,590 Well, maybe, that's it, isn't it? 444 00:26:31,680 --> 00:26:34,478 Maybe I'm just not cut out to be your son. 445 00:26:52,560 --> 00:26:55,438 I hope your boots aren't clean, young bogey-mi-lad, 446 00:26:55,520 --> 00:26:58,432 I've only just finished scummaging this floor. 447 00:26:59,000 --> 00:27:00,353 (DOOR CLOSES) 448 00:27:03,120 --> 00:27:04,519 Hello, drear. 449 00:27:05,600 --> 00:27:06,953 Off to work. 450 00:27:07,040 --> 00:27:09,998 Just need my things. 451 00:27:10,440 --> 00:27:12,317 - Fungus. - Can't talk. 452 00:27:14,080 --> 00:27:15,479 Can't talk. 453 00:27:28,160 --> 00:27:30,230 FUNGUS: Fathers and sons. 454 00:27:30,320 --> 00:27:32,390 Eternal conundrum. 455 00:27:34,440 --> 00:27:37,318 You think you're leading by example and then you turn 'round 456 00:27:37,400 --> 00:27:39,709 and find they haven't even been looking! 457 00:27:39,800 --> 00:27:41,392 Total waste of effort. 458 00:27:41,480 --> 00:27:43,436 Makes you downfarted. 459 00:27:43,720 --> 00:27:46,473 Quite frankly, you wonder what's the point. 460 00:27:48,480 --> 00:27:50,675 Oh, what's the matter with me? 461 00:27:53,080 --> 00:27:54,957 Work, Fungus. 462 00:27:55,040 --> 00:27:56,393 Focus on the work. 463 00:27:56,480 --> 00:27:58,914 The work will always be there. 464 00:28:00,000 --> 00:28:01,479 Or will it? 465 00:28:02,320 --> 00:28:05,073 What if my clients tire of my grisly ministrations? 466 00:28:05,160 --> 00:28:08,436 What if I do not do what I do? 467 00:28:10,200 --> 00:28:13,715 I would have nothing but the arid consolations of philosophy. 468 00:28:13,840 --> 00:28:16,308 Me putrescent, ergo sum. 469 00:28:16,760 --> 00:28:19,320 "I stink, therefore I am." 470 00:28:26,440 --> 00:28:27,919 Oh, Harry. 471 00:28:29,280 --> 00:28:30,918 Harry! Harry! 472 00:28:31,000 --> 00:28:33,150 - (BOTH SCREAMING) - What's that? 473 00:28:33,240 --> 00:28:35,117 FUNGUS: But then, there you see, that happens, 474 00:28:35,200 --> 00:28:38,795 and it's like getting into bed and finding a lovely poo on your pillow. 475 00:28:39,040 --> 00:28:43,272 Oh, this silly worry, Fungus, it's the thin end of the bum wedge. 476 00:28:43,920 --> 00:28:47,629 You've got to pull yourself up by your jockstraps, old scab. 477 00:28:51,720 --> 00:28:53,438 Think about Mildew. 478 00:28:53,760 --> 00:28:57,355 Foulest smelling bogey woman I ever clapped nostrils on. 479 00:28:58,280 --> 00:29:02,990 She's never been topside, not once in her whole life, and damn right. 480 00:29:03,320 --> 00:29:07,518 The Surface is no place for a self-respecting slattern like my wife. 481 00:29:09,960 --> 00:29:11,632 Think about Mould. 482 00:29:12,440 --> 00:29:14,271 This is what he wants. 483 00:29:14,880 --> 00:29:18,919 All this appalling tidiness and beauty. 484 00:29:19,640 --> 00:29:21,232 (CAMERA WHIRRING) 485 00:29:31,880 --> 00:29:35,236 Argh. (SNEEZES) 486 00:29:36,680 --> 00:29:38,716 I spruced it up a bit. 487 00:29:39,600 --> 00:29:41,830 Oh, bog on a bike! 488 00:29:42,000 --> 00:29:44,309 - Ah, oh! Ooh! - (SPLASHES) 489 00:29:45,480 --> 00:29:47,072 Ah. 490 00:29:48,560 --> 00:29:52,997 Not quite a ditch, I suppose, but in this game, Fungus, 491 00:29:53,800 --> 00:29:56,598 you've got to take what life throws you into. 492 00:29:56,680 --> 00:29:58,079 Keep calm 493 00:29:59,320 --> 00:30:00,878 and trump on. 494 00:30:01,600 --> 00:30:03,158 (FARTING) 495 00:30:23,360 --> 00:30:25,476 Basienka. Is that it? 496 00:30:26,600 --> 00:30:28,556 WENDY: Oh. Good heavens! DARYL: What's going on? 497 00:30:28,640 --> 00:30:30,995 You are scaredy spooky superstitious, Harry! 498 00:30:31,080 --> 00:30:33,230 There was ectoplasm in our bed. 499 00:30:33,320 --> 00:30:36,232 Is what it was, Harry? Ectoplasm? 500 00:30:36,440 --> 00:30:37,998 Yes, ectoplasm. 501 00:30:38,520 --> 00:30:40,192 DARYL: Another set of neighbours gone. 502 00:30:40,280 --> 00:30:42,919 I think we could have really liked them if we'd only got to know them. 503 00:30:43,000 --> 00:30:44,149 Ow! What? 504 00:30:44,280 --> 00:30:46,350 Why would you... What's the... 505 00:30:46,840 --> 00:30:48,319 Oh, maybe not. 506 00:30:57,400 --> 00:31:01,837 Bless my rotting thundercrackers! Look at your fingernails. They're white. 507 00:31:06,040 --> 00:31:09,237 What's the matter with your dinner? Doesn't it smell bad? 508 00:31:13,840 --> 00:31:15,273 (INHALES) 509 00:31:17,720 --> 00:31:19,153 Oh, my bog! 510 00:31:19,680 --> 00:31:21,079 I know this. 511 00:31:22,320 --> 00:31:23,912 That's lavender. 512 00:31:25,520 --> 00:31:27,112 And it's coming from you. 513 00:31:27,200 --> 00:31:28,838 Your Funk, Mould. 514 00:31:29,440 --> 00:31:31,078 That's your Funk. 515 00:31:31,800 --> 00:31:33,358 You going to tell her, or am I? 516 00:31:33,440 --> 00:31:35,635 Tell me what? Are you ill? 517 00:31:36,320 --> 00:31:38,151 One way of putting it. 518 00:31:39,880 --> 00:31:41,359 Get your coat. 519 00:31:42,360 --> 00:31:44,590 I want to show you something. 520 00:32:07,040 --> 00:32:08,189 Sit. 521 00:32:10,720 --> 00:32:15,714 All rise for Her Toxicity, Sludge Snotsoup, Justice of all Bogeydom. 522 00:32:17,920 --> 00:32:20,115 SNOTSOUP: This court is now in session. 523 00:32:20,200 --> 00:32:25,797 Let the rusty wheels of Bogey justice turn in judderingly inefficient circles. 524 00:32:26,280 --> 00:32:28,077 Describe the sins of the guilty. 525 00:32:28,160 --> 00:32:29,673 The accused, Your Horror. 526 00:32:29,760 --> 00:32:31,557 The accused. Was there washing? 527 00:32:31,640 --> 00:32:33,153 - Yes, Your Horror. - Wiping? 528 00:32:33,240 --> 00:32:36,596 - Yes, Your Horror. - Was there scrubbing, soaking, 529 00:32:36,760 --> 00:32:39,797 swabbing, sweeping, polishing, 530 00:32:39,880 --> 00:32:42,599 primping and, or purging? 531 00:32:42,680 --> 00:32:44,193 Yes, Your Horror. 532 00:32:45,560 --> 00:32:47,755 Was there chocolate? 533 00:32:47,960 --> 00:32:49,757 I regret so, Your Horror. 534 00:32:50,560 --> 00:32:56,396 Then the assembled are all charged with Decency in a Public Place. 535 00:32:56,800 --> 00:32:58,279 (GAVEL BANGS) 536 00:33:00,560 --> 00:33:02,039 FUNGUS: Who's she? 537 00:33:03,200 --> 00:33:04,599 They're looking at you. 538 00:33:04,680 --> 00:33:05,795 I don't know them. 539 00:33:05,880 --> 00:33:08,235 It is my moist pleasure 540 00:33:08,320 --> 00:33:12,313 to exile you all to The Swamp of No Return. 541 00:33:13,040 --> 00:33:14,234 (BANGING) 542 00:33:14,320 --> 00:33:17,278 SNOTSOUP: Uncleanliness is next to Bogliness. 543 00:33:17,360 --> 00:33:21,638 Clench, take these fragrant aberrations away, I tire of them. 544 00:33:22,560 --> 00:33:24,516 Move! Off we go. 545 00:33:25,720 --> 00:33:27,358 You're disgusting! 546 00:33:29,520 --> 00:33:30,635 Ma'am. 547 00:33:30,720 --> 00:33:31,994 Mmm! 548 00:34:03,040 --> 00:34:04,678 FUNGUS: At times like this, 549 00:34:04,760 --> 00:34:08,355 a Bogeyman has no option but to reach for his crutch. 550 00:34:10,000 --> 00:34:13,117 A classic cockroach tail in a fine glass. 551 00:34:13,360 --> 00:34:17,399 A little slash of toad phlegm, a weeping of cellar-aged discharge, 552 00:34:17,480 --> 00:34:19,311 a good retch of turps, 553 00:34:19,800 --> 00:34:24,271 fingered, not slopped and get it down you son. 554 00:34:26,560 --> 00:34:28,312 MILDEW: It's all my fault. 555 00:34:28,400 --> 00:34:30,595 Didn't I dirtify him enough as a child? 556 00:34:30,680 --> 00:34:32,398 I should have seen the signs. 557 00:34:32,480 --> 00:34:35,199 All that time locked in the bathroom. 558 00:34:36,280 --> 00:34:38,316 He was washing his hands. 559 00:34:39,880 --> 00:34:41,791 What did you say to him? 560 00:34:42,080 --> 00:34:44,594 I showed him the error of his ways. 561 00:34:51,320 --> 00:34:52,469 Mould? 562 00:34:53,200 --> 00:34:54,474 Mould? 563 00:35:16,240 --> 00:35:17,514 Oh, no. 564 00:35:19,240 --> 00:35:20,355 Oh. 565 00:35:46,520 --> 00:35:49,592 Oh, my bog. 566 00:35:50,480 --> 00:35:51,799 Oh, the sky! 567 00:35:52,480 --> 00:35:53,674 Ah! 568 00:35:54,480 --> 00:35:56,038 Oh, it's the sky! 569 00:35:57,040 --> 00:35:58,632 (CHUCKLING) 570 00:36:09,320 --> 00:36:13,359 My drear, why do you torment me with this obscene object? 571 00:36:13,640 --> 00:36:16,154 Because that is where he has gone! 572 00:36:16,760 --> 00:36:17,909 We must report him. 573 00:36:18,000 --> 00:36:20,389 We're not going to report him, Fungus. 574 00:36:20,480 --> 00:36:22,710 We're going to Daventry. Right now. 575 00:36:22,800 --> 00:36:25,598 Mildew, crepuscular light of my life. 576 00:36:25,680 --> 00:36:29,036 In Daventry, it is day. There is sky. 577 00:36:29,280 --> 00:36:32,192 I cannot begin to describe the horror of the sunlit sky, my drear... 578 00:36:32,280 --> 00:36:35,078 If we don't go now, we will lose him. 579 00:36:35,800 --> 00:36:39,679 He's my little boy, my louse, my weevil. 580 00:36:40,200 --> 00:36:42,953 I carried him in my womb for nine months. 581 00:36:43,040 --> 00:36:45,634 Then in my secondary wombsack for 12 months, 582 00:36:45,720 --> 00:36:48,792 then in my tertiary birth bladder for six years, 583 00:36:48,880 --> 00:36:51,189 then laid him in an egg membrane and gestated... 584 00:36:51,280 --> 00:36:54,158 "Thou shalt not be daylight seen." 585 00:36:54,240 --> 00:36:57,357 Fungus! I say this with fierce nasal hair, 586 00:36:58,480 --> 00:37:03,076 take me to Daventry or you are not the bogey I picked! 587 00:37:25,400 --> 00:37:27,550 You don't want to take it too short. Is that okay? 588 00:37:38,880 --> 00:37:40,279 - (HORN HONKS) - Oh! 589 00:37:40,640 --> 00:37:42,119 (HORNS HONKING) 590 00:37:45,960 --> 00:37:47,393 EVE: Get in! 591 00:37:50,880 --> 00:37:52,757 (TYRES SCREECHING) 592 00:38:01,680 --> 00:38:04,194 Mildew, if you want to turn back... 593 00:38:04,280 --> 00:38:08,353 If I turned back I wouldn't be worth the steam off my own discharge. 594 00:38:08,840 --> 00:38:11,354 So, let's go Topside. 595 00:38:31,360 --> 00:38:32,952 (TYRES SCREECHING) 596 00:38:33,040 --> 00:38:35,156 EVE: Sorry, bit corner-y round here. 597 00:38:35,240 --> 00:38:38,676 Have you seen my driving glasses? Only these are my readers, not my see-ers. 598 00:38:40,280 --> 00:38:42,271 Much obliged, ta. 599 00:38:43,400 --> 00:38:45,197 Oh, my God, you're a monster! 600 00:38:45,360 --> 00:38:46,998 (LAUGHING) Kidding. 601 00:38:47,200 --> 00:38:48,758 I know what you are. 602 00:38:48,960 --> 00:38:51,315 I'm Eve and you're safe. 603 00:38:51,760 --> 00:38:54,274 Welcome to the surface, Bogeyman. 604 00:39:22,040 --> 00:39:23,234 All right. 605 00:39:23,360 --> 00:39:25,669 I'm all right. 606 00:39:26,920 --> 00:39:28,638 That's ground. 607 00:39:30,160 --> 00:39:32,720 So where's the 608 00:39:32,960 --> 00:39:34,359 S-K-Y? 609 00:39:34,720 --> 00:39:36,836 It's above you, my direling. 610 00:39:36,920 --> 00:39:38,751 It's the most terrible colour, 611 00:39:38,840 --> 00:39:42,150 and it's much bigger than you could possibly imagine. 612 00:39:42,240 --> 00:39:44,879 But it is held in place, somehow. 613 00:39:45,280 --> 00:39:48,397 You understand? It is not going to fall on you. 614 00:39:49,240 --> 00:39:51,629 Oh, my bog! 615 00:39:52,680 --> 00:39:53,749 (CRASHES) 616 00:39:53,960 --> 00:39:55,279 FUNGUS: Mildew? 617 00:39:55,760 --> 00:39:57,318 Come back to me. 618 00:39:57,600 --> 00:39:59,830 Come back to me, my direling. 619 00:40:03,400 --> 00:40:05,755 The S-K-Y. 620 00:40:06,400 --> 00:40:07,992 It was on fire! 621 00:40:08,320 --> 00:40:10,834 It's not on fire, my drear. 622 00:40:11,080 --> 00:40:13,275 And you must look at it again. 623 00:40:13,400 --> 00:40:17,313 Because everywhere we go, the sky is going to be there. 624 00:40:17,720 --> 00:40:19,472 And we have to go. 625 00:40:25,480 --> 00:40:27,869 See? Nothing to be frightened of. 626 00:40:29,120 --> 00:40:31,429 (SCREAMING) 627 00:40:31,800 --> 00:40:34,234 We're all going to broil! 628 00:40:34,680 --> 00:40:36,272 - Mildew. - Oh! 629 00:40:36,360 --> 00:40:37,509 Mildew. 630 00:40:37,600 --> 00:40:40,068 (MILDEW SCREAMING) 631 00:40:46,240 --> 00:40:50,233 Sermon. As many of you will know, I had a terrifying experience the other day. 632 00:40:50,320 --> 00:40:53,471 Gathered here in this lovely church of ours, it seems frankly incredible. 633 00:40:53,560 --> 00:40:55,710 Did I really see what I saw? 634 00:40:56,000 --> 00:40:57,752 It makes me wonder if I'm a bloody loony. 635 00:40:57,840 --> 00:41:01,549 Sermon. I am not a loony. Pause for laughter, won't get any, 636 00:41:01,640 --> 00:41:03,995 plug on what I imagined I saw the other day. 637 00:41:04,080 --> 00:41:05,718 (SCREAMING) 638 00:41:09,680 --> 00:41:11,033 Have we met? 639 00:41:11,280 --> 00:41:12,759 I think we've met. 640 00:41:13,120 --> 00:41:17,796 Look, just a suggestion, why don't we agree that this isn't happening? 641 00:41:18,520 --> 00:41:20,795 Isn't really happening, is it? 642 00:41:22,440 --> 00:41:23,953 Scumtastic. 643 00:41:24,680 --> 00:41:26,398 I bid you good day. 644 00:41:41,080 --> 00:41:43,435 (SCREAMING) 645 00:41:43,520 --> 00:41:44,873 That way. 646 00:41:48,400 --> 00:41:50,470 We need to disguise ourselves. 647 00:41:50,560 --> 00:41:51,959 Pig poo. 648 00:41:52,040 --> 00:41:53,314 No, my drear, 649 00:41:53,400 --> 00:41:57,678 if we are to move amongst the Drycleaners we need to look like them. 650 00:41:57,760 --> 00:42:01,389 And strange as it may seem to us, they don't wear poo. 651 00:42:03,680 --> 00:42:07,798 You know, don't you? That it is against the law to face-fold? 652 00:42:10,360 --> 00:42:12,191 We need to face-fold. 653 00:42:12,920 --> 00:42:15,309 But I don't know how. 654 00:42:16,640 --> 00:42:18,039 NARRATOR: Face-folding. 655 00:42:18,120 --> 00:42:22,272 A biological process that exploits the Bogeys many stench bladders, 656 00:42:22,360 --> 00:42:24,555 fart pockets and belch sacks. 657 00:42:24,760 --> 00:42:27,991 By redistributing fumes and vapours around the body, 658 00:42:28,080 --> 00:42:31,277 the Bogey is able to manipulate his physical form, 659 00:42:31,360 --> 00:42:34,272 much like a chameleon, puffer fish 660 00:42:34,640 --> 00:42:37,074 or a surface-dwelling bride-to-be. 661 00:42:37,320 --> 00:42:41,791 In times past, Bogey radicals experimented with face-folding, 662 00:42:41,920 --> 00:42:44,036 as a form of self-sculpture. 663 00:42:44,200 --> 00:42:47,556 Some iconic images infiltrated topside culture. 664 00:42:47,760 --> 00:42:51,150 Artworks created under the Bogey influence include 665 00:42:51,280 --> 00:42:52,998 the Venus De Milo, 666 00:42:53,560 --> 00:42:55,790 the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel 667 00:42:56,040 --> 00:42:57,792 and the Mona Lisa. 668 00:42:58,400 --> 00:43:00,709 Naturally, this had to stop. 669 00:43:01,080 --> 00:43:03,640 When it was discovered that face-folding could replicate 670 00:43:03,720 --> 00:43:08,510 the hideously deformed features of a Drycleaner, the practise was banned. 671 00:43:09,000 --> 00:43:12,117 The concept is now considered revolting. 672 00:43:22,720 --> 00:43:24,915 Remember, I'm me. 673 00:43:26,360 --> 00:43:28,157 I'm always me. 674 00:43:36,640 --> 00:43:38,790 (FARTING) 675 00:43:48,880 --> 00:43:50,074 Fungus? 676 00:43:51,040 --> 00:43:52,473 (GURGLING) 677 00:44:15,800 --> 00:44:17,074 Ta-da! 678 00:44:21,120 --> 00:44:22,314 Oh, uh... 679 00:44:24,160 --> 00:44:26,515 What have you done with my husband? 680 00:44:26,640 --> 00:44:29,393 Mildew. It's still me. 681 00:44:30,120 --> 00:44:33,829 Prove it, eh. What's my favourite colour? What's my favourite book? 682 00:44:33,920 --> 00:44:36,195 What is my favourite smell? 683 00:44:36,760 --> 00:44:39,069 Erm... (STAMMERING) 684 00:44:39,520 --> 00:44:42,193 Hang on, don't rush me, drear. 685 00:44:42,680 --> 00:44:44,318 It'll come to me, um... 686 00:44:44,440 --> 00:44:47,796 Well, yes. Yes, that does sound like the sort of thing Fungus would say. 687 00:44:47,880 --> 00:44:49,598 But I need more proof. 688 00:44:49,920 --> 00:44:51,035 Uh... 689 00:44:52,200 --> 00:44:53,553 - The... - Oh! 690 00:44:55,760 --> 00:45:00,595 The fold holds in all the Bogeyniffs and Funk, 691 00:45:00,760 --> 00:45:04,116 but if you... (SNORTS) 692 00:45:09,600 --> 00:45:11,556 Ooh, dead badger. 693 00:45:13,640 --> 00:45:16,234 (SNIFFING) Rotten eggs. 694 00:45:18,120 --> 00:45:19,553 (SNIFFING) 695 00:45:20,200 --> 00:45:22,475 Day old nappies in a heatwave. 696 00:45:23,000 --> 00:45:24,797 Oh, Fungus. 697 00:45:25,600 --> 00:45:27,192 It is you. 698 00:45:27,400 --> 00:45:29,675 Yes, it is, my pus. Now... 699 00:45:31,720 --> 00:45:33,597 You're gonna have to be brave. 700 00:45:34,680 --> 00:45:37,194 Braver than you've ever been before. 701 00:45:38,280 --> 00:45:39,508 It's your turn. 702 00:45:39,600 --> 00:45:40,919 Oh, no. 703 00:45:42,560 --> 00:45:43,754 Mum? 704 00:45:44,200 --> 00:45:45,633 Yeah, listening. 705 00:45:46,880 --> 00:45:50,998 When you and Dad met, how did you know that he was like, the one? 706 00:45:52,600 --> 00:45:55,239 The one, as in the man you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. 707 00:45:55,320 --> 00:45:56,753 Oh, God. 708 00:45:57,640 --> 00:46:00,234 Anthony, my boss, he's not happy. 709 00:46:00,960 --> 00:46:03,076 How am I supposed to boost the membership 710 00:46:03,160 --> 00:46:07,438 when all I've got to boost it with are those cretins Pinky and bloody Perky? 711 00:46:08,000 --> 00:46:10,878 Couldn't find their own backsides with a dedicated app. 712 00:46:11,640 --> 00:46:13,870 Sorry, darling, sorry. What was your question? 713 00:46:13,960 --> 00:46:16,076 You said God. That's rude. 714 00:46:17,080 --> 00:46:18,308 (SIGHS) 715 00:46:32,440 --> 00:46:34,158 Are you a scientist? 716 00:46:34,240 --> 00:46:35,958 I'm an inventor. 717 00:46:36,440 --> 00:46:38,954 Inventrix. Inventatrice. 718 00:46:39,680 --> 00:46:43,275 I invented Superdooperglue. Like superglue, only more dooper. 719 00:46:43,720 --> 00:46:46,553 And it's all thanks to your lot and your emunctory effusions. 720 00:46:46,640 --> 00:46:49,677 That's what Superdooper is, see. Distilled Bogey bogies. 721 00:46:49,920 --> 00:46:52,514 I pick it up wherever I can see it, rooftops mostly. 722 00:46:52,600 --> 00:46:55,034 It's wonderful stuff, really viscous. 723 00:46:55,120 --> 00:46:59,989 Just think the country's best-selling adhesive, and all made from your old grollies. 724 00:47:00,840 --> 00:47:02,592 How do you know about us? 725 00:47:02,680 --> 00:47:04,432 Ah, well. 726 00:47:07,400 --> 00:47:08,594 Shoo. 727 00:47:09,440 --> 00:47:11,590 (SIGHING) When I was a kid, 728 00:47:12,280 --> 00:47:15,113 I felt like I didn't fit in. I know what you're gonna say, 729 00:47:15,200 --> 00:47:17,430 "All kids feel like that." You feel like that. 730 00:47:17,520 --> 00:47:20,956 But I really didn't belong. Anywhere. 731 00:47:21,240 --> 00:47:25,392 I certainly didn't belong in my family. They couldn't make head nor tail of me. 732 00:47:27,360 --> 00:47:30,511 It's an expression. Anyway, one day, 733 00:47:32,440 --> 00:47:34,908 a bogey runaway came into my life. 734 00:47:35,480 --> 00:47:38,199 She had problems. She was Drypolar. 735 00:47:39,160 --> 00:47:42,118 I sheltered her. We learned from each other, 736 00:47:42,240 --> 00:47:46,199 and I've spent my life helping Bogeys ever since. So there you have it. 737 00:47:46,280 --> 00:47:47,952 You're my family now. 738 00:47:49,000 --> 00:47:50,149 Oh. 739 00:47:50,480 --> 00:47:52,516 Oh. Oh, my goodness. 740 00:47:52,640 --> 00:47:54,437 - (CHUCKLING) - (FARTING) 741 00:47:54,680 --> 00:47:55,954 Oh, sorry. 742 00:47:56,040 --> 00:47:58,952 Oh, not to worry, dear. Better out than in. 743 00:48:01,480 --> 00:48:03,198 EVE: Well, I never. 744 00:48:04,600 --> 00:48:05,999 (SNIFFING) 745 00:48:07,920 --> 00:48:10,115 Freshly cut grass. (SNIFFING) 746 00:48:10,800 --> 00:48:12,233 - Lemons. - I know. 747 00:48:12,320 --> 00:48:13,673 My funk's all wrong. 748 00:48:13,760 --> 00:48:15,671 Not a problem here, dear. 749 00:48:16,360 --> 00:48:18,316 That's all behind you now. 750 00:48:22,760 --> 00:48:24,830 (RUMBLING) 751 00:48:25,720 --> 00:48:28,951 Would you mind not watching whilst I'm getting changed? 752 00:48:32,800 --> 00:48:35,030 (GURGLING) 753 00:48:35,120 --> 00:48:36,792 (YELPING) 754 00:48:38,120 --> 00:48:39,269 Ah. 755 00:48:41,640 --> 00:48:42,834 Say it. 756 00:48:43,520 --> 00:48:45,476 It's a work in progress. 757 00:48:46,920 --> 00:48:49,275 Try giving it a bit of a wiggle. 758 00:49:12,040 --> 00:49:15,749 Ow! Smack the buzzards, these new feet really pinch... 759 00:49:16,080 --> 00:49:18,230 We just need to wear them in a bit. 760 00:49:20,280 --> 00:49:24,159 Beetrootflecked diarrhoea, Anne of Green Bogeys, Parisian drain. 761 00:49:24,440 --> 00:49:27,637 Your favourite colour, book and smell. 762 00:49:28,640 --> 00:49:30,631 Oh, sourheart. 763 00:49:32,840 --> 00:49:34,114 Which way? 764 00:49:36,720 --> 00:49:37,948 This way. 765 00:49:39,960 --> 00:49:41,871 MILDEW: Ow! Ooh! 766 00:49:43,880 --> 00:49:46,917 I reported the matter to your newspaper because I was displeased 767 00:49:47,000 --> 00:49:51,278 to find a drunken lout in fancy dress thrashing about in my pond. 768 00:49:52,360 --> 00:49:54,590 The incident is now closed. 769 00:49:57,440 --> 00:49:59,271 Oh, for God's sake. 770 00:50:00,680 --> 00:50:01,795 Oi! 771 00:50:02,360 --> 00:50:04,635 What the hell do you think you're playing at? 772 00:50:05,080 --> 00:50:06,479 MR MARTIN: Oi! 773 00:50:11,960 --> 00:50:13,951 - Oi! - (GROWLING) 774 00:50:22,120 --> 00:50:25,635 Oh, that's just horrid. 775 00:50:42,360 --> 00:50:44,316 BASIENKA: I telling you, I check the radiator. 776 00:50:44,400 --> 00:50:46,277 Not the radiator... Ow! 777 00:50:49,120 --> 00:50:50,269 What? 778 00:50:51,360 --> 00:50:52,679 Toolbox. 779 00:50:57,600 --> 00:50:58,953 BASIENKA: So? 780 00:51:00,520 --> 00:51:01,999 Harry. 781 00:51:03,440 --> 00:51:04,759 Harry! 782 00:51:17,040 --> 00:51:19,031 (RETCHING) 783 00:51:19,120 --> 00:51:20,997 Ew, my guts. It's not natural. 784 00:51:21,080 --> 00:51:24,868 Try and stay calm, my drear, and not give us away. 785 00:51:26,840 --> 00:51:28,068 Over here. 786 00:51:28,800 --> 00:51:30,597 I am keeping absolutely calm. 787 00:51:30,680 --> 00:51:32,079 Calm, calm. 788 00:51:32,480 --> 00:51:35,995 (GASPS) What are they doing to his hair? 789 00:51:36,440 --> 00:51:40,149 That's what they do here, my drear. Come, look away, come on. 790 00:51:42,000 --> 00:51:44,116 Come on, get in here, in here. 791 00:51:46,600 --> 00:51:48,431 (BREATHING HEAVILY) 792 00:51:49,800 --> 00:51:51,233 What are you doing? 793 00:51:52,040 --> 00:51:54,395 Piddling nostrils. (SNIFFING) 794 00:51:54,720 --> 00:51:57,632 I'm trying to get a scent on Mouldy. (SNIFFING) 795 00:51:58,240 --> 00:51:59,719 Have you got him? 796 00:52:00,400 --> 00:52:01,719 I have. 797 00:52:02,960 --> 00:52:04,439 It's this way. 798 00:52:44,200 --> 00:52:47,636 Welcome. What can I do for... Ooh, you? 799 00:52:47,840 --> 00:52:48,875 Your monster. 800 00:52:48,960 --> 00:52:51,315 Look, I did not use the word monster. 801 00:52:53,080 --> 00:52:54,877 Was it travelling alone? 802 00:52:55,400 --> 00:52:56,833 Evidently not. 803 00:52:57,440 --> 00:52:58,714 How many? 804 00:52:59,160 --> 00:53:00,275 Two? 805 00:53:00,760 --> 00:53:02,273 Male or female? 806 00:53:03,000 --> 00:53:04,274 One of each? 807 00:53:04,680 --> 00:53:06,398 A married couple? 808 00:53:07,160 --> 00:53:08,752 You are a priest! 809 00:53:09,560 --> 00:53:12,313 Did they strike you as a married couple? 810 00:53:12,800 --> 00:53:13,915 Yes. 811 00:53:16,440 --> 00:53:18,954 Now we're getting somewhere, Father. 812 00:53:22,160 --> 00:53:24,958 So, how many people can you fit in that hall, then? 813 00:53:25,080 --> 00:53:26,877 Only needs to fit one. 814 00:53:28,880 --> 00:53:30,438 You all right, girls? 815 00:53:30,560 --> 00:53:31,834 What's up? 816 00:53:31,920 --> 00:53:33,353 It's her birthday this weekend. 817 00:53:33,440 --> 00:53:36,716 She's got a party and it's like a disco in the church hall with a DJ and everything. 818 00:53:36,800 --> 00:53:38,392 - A disco? - Mmm-hmm. 819 00:53:38,480 --> 00:53:40,118 In a church hall? 820 00:53:42,080 --> 00:53:43,479 Unmissable. 821 00:53:44,320 --> 00:53:45,992 Yeah. It will be. 822 00:53:46,720 --> 00:53:48,392 It's got a theme. 823 00:53:51,720 --> 00:53:53,039 Monster. 824 00:53:55,080 --> 00:53:57,389 - A Daventry monster party. - What? 825 00:53:59,840 --> 00:54:00,955 Cool. 826 00:54:01,880 --> 00:54:03,552 I'll see you there. 827 00:54:04,320 --> 00:54:05,548 Maybe. 828 00:54:09,320 --> 00:54:12,710 BOTH: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. 829 00:54:14,160 --> 00:54:15,513 (SNIFFING) 830 00:54:17,000 --> 00:54:18,513 It goes in here. 831 00:54:20,040 --> 00:54:22,156 Mildew. Ring the doorbell. 832 00:54:22,880 --> 00:54:24,632 What if someone hears me? 833 00:54:26,080 --> 00:54:27,991 That's the point, my drear. 834 00:54:28,320 --> 00:54:29,878 It's a diversion. 835 00:54:37,960 --> 00:54:39,791 (DOORBELL RINGING) 836 00:54:46,960 --> 00:54:49,030 (DOORBELL RINGING) 837 00:54:53,360 --> 00:54:54,793 Can I help you? 838 00:54:54,920 --> 00:54:57,559 Er, I answered the door to you, love. What can I do for you? 839 00:54:57,640 --> 00:55:00,438 Oh, no, no, no, nothing. I'm fine, thank you. 840 00:55:01,000 --> 00:55:02,194 I'm a diversion. 841 00:55:02,280 --> 00:55:03,998 Oh, are you, now? 842 00:55:20,840 --> 00:55:22,353 - (KNOCKING) - (GASPS) 843 00:55:29,720 --> 00:55:31,597 Okay, I'll tell you what we'll do. 844 00:55:31,680 --> 00:55:35,639 You wait there and I'll go and see whatever it is that you're diverting me from. 845 00:55:37,920 --> 00:55:39,069 Mould! 846 00:55:39,600 --> 00:55:40,589 We found you. 847 00:55:40,680 --> 00:55:43,194 - They found me. - Mould! It's me. 848 00:55:44,320 --> 00:55:45,833 (WHOOSHING) 849 00:55:46,360 --> 00:55:49,557 - Mum? - Direling, I've been so worried! 850 00:55:53,480 --> 00:55:54,959 Is that my dad? 851 00:55:55,040 --> 00:55:56,519 Bog, he's hideous. 852 00:55:56,600 --> 00:55:58,352 Fungus, change back. 853 00:55:58,880 --> 00:56:00,632 Hang on a minute. 854 00:56:01,440 --> 00:56:03,078 Are you sure you want to do that? 855 00:56:03,160 --> 00:56:06,232 She should be folding back to human. That lad should get off the street. 856 00:56:06,320 --> 00:56:07,389 She's got a point. 857 00:56:07,480 --> 00:56:09,436 Get inside, all of you. 858 00:56:24,640 --> 00:56:27,359 No use giving me cleanly looks, young lady. 859 00:56:27,440 --> 00:56:29,510 You brought this on yourself. 860 00:56:35,760 --> 00:56:37,239 - (CLEARS THROAT) - What? 861 00:56:37,320 --> 00:56:40,437 Uh, Your Horror, unfortunate intelligence. 862 00:56:40,600 --> 00:56:44,798 Dear bog, that's you in a snailshell. What is it? Puke it up, man. 863 00:56:44,880 --> 00:56:47,917 A whole family has defected, ma'am. It's, er... 864 00:56:48,200 --> 00:56:49,394 Fungus. 865 00:56:49,480 --> 00:56:52,597 Fungus of the House of Bilge? 866 00:56:54,040 --> 00:56:55,792 Give me my gavel. 867 00:56:59,880 --> 00:57:04,396 - The whole family, excombogeycated. - Ow! 868 00:57:04,480 --> 00:57:08,598 Exile to The Swamp of No Return. 869 00:57:12,480 --> 00:57:14,516 What you looking at? Carry on. 870 00:57:38,800 --> 00:57:40,392 I can't believe it. 871 00:57:40,760 --> 00:57:42,637 Oh, drear. 872 00:57:48,440 --> 00:57:50,715 You're very knowledgeable, madam. 873 00:57:52,280 --> 00:57:54,111 Tea. Try it. 874 00:57:54,800 --> 00:57:56,438 Doesn't matter how good your fold is, 875 00:57:56,520 --> 00:57:59,990 if you can't drink a cup of tea, people will spot you a mile off. 876 00:58:00,600 --> 00:58:04,513 Oh. Thank you for looking after our son. 877 00:58:04,800 --> 00:58:06,916 It was my pleasure. He's a wonderful boy. 878 00:58:07,000 --> 00:58:12,233 Mould, would you introduce us to this pox-ridden stinking hag? 879 00:58:13,600 --> 00:58:15,875 - Oh, I meant, erm... - No, I know. 880 00:58:16,360 --> 00:58:18,715 - My name's Eve. - She's my friend. 881 00:58:20,040 --> 00:58:21,837 I'm staying here with her. 882 00:58:21,920 --> 00:58:24,309 Oh. If that's what you want, pet. 883 00:58:24,960 --> 00:58:27,838 I'm afraid, madam, we must be on our way. 884 00:58:27,920 --> 00:58:29,399 I'm staying with Eve. 885 00:58:29,480 --> 00:58:31,710 Mould. Listen to your father. 886 00:58:31,800 --> 00:58:34,075 - I said... - I heard you, Mouldy. 887 00:58:34,880 --> 00:58:35,915 Let's be off. 888 00:58:36,000 --> 00:58:37,752 He can stay if he wants. 889 00:58:39,720 --> 00:58:41,950 Why do you not fear us, madam? 890 00:58:43,080 --> 00:58:44,229 We are Bogeys. 891 00:58:44,320 --> 00:58:45,355 Why should I? 892 00:58:45,440 --> 00:58:46,668 You're a Drycleaner. 893 00:58:46,760 --> 00:58:49,274 And so's he. If you'd only let him. 894 00:58:51,720 --> 00:58:53,711 Mould, uh, Mildew, uh... 895 00:58:54,360 --> 00:58:58,239 I fear we are no longer welcome in this dessicated house. 896 00:58:58,320 --> 00:59:01,392 - But... - Don't you say another word. 897 00:59:18,280 --> 00:59:20,999 (SPEAKING FRENCH) 898 00:59:22,040 --> 00:59:25,350 Daryl, have you been fighting with a very small wolverine? 899 00:59:25,840 --> 00:59:27,751 I wear these scars with pride. 900 00:59:27,840 --> 00:59:31,389 Solicitors have taken to fighting with tiny little cake forks, have they? 901 00:59:31,480 --> 00:59:33,550 No, I've been gardening. 902 00:59:34,120 --> 00:59:36,076 - Why? - Because I'm a gardener. 903 00:59:36,160 --> 00:59:37,798 Man versus shrubbery. Get it on. 904 00:59:37,880 --> 00:59:39,472 (SCOFFING) That is so lame. 905 00:59:39,560 --> 00:59:41,915 You've got a law degree, you can't be a gardener. 906 00:59:42,000 --> 00:59:44,434 Well, actually I can, Wendy. But not the other way round. 907 00:59:44,520 --> 00:59:48,479 Being a qualified gardener wouldn't entitle me to be a lawyer. 908 00:59:48,800 --> 00:59:50,199 But I'm not just a gardener. 909 00:59:50,280 --> 00:59:54,876 I'm an odd job man-cum-handyman, slash gardener, brackets mainly gardener. 910 00:59:55,520 --> 00:59:59,798 It's my life. Okay? I do not want to be a solicitor, ever again. 911 00:59:59,920 --> 01:00:00,955 Your life. 912 01:00:01,040 --> 01:00:03,349 Full stop, end of conversation. 913 01:00:04,680 --> 01:00:06,716 So can I have 200 quid? 914 01:00:07,160 --> 01:00:08,275 What? 915 01:00:08,360 --> 01:00:10,920 Actually, 500 would be better. 916 01:00:11,000 --> 01:00:14,675 Oh, would it, actually? And may we know what you'd like that for? 917 01:00:14,760 --> 01:00:19,151 My Daventry monster party. Costume, make-up, decorations, food, 918 01:00:19,800 --> 01:00:22,837 shiny balloons in shapes and a proper DJ. 919 01:00:23,760 --> 01:00:26,638 Yeah. That'll probably cost 500 quid. 920 01:00:28,440 --> 01:00:30,749 - Ah. Okay. - What? 921 01:00:30,840 --> 01:00:35,550 And you're gonna earn 500 quid by pruning some bloody bush, are you? 922 01:00:35,800 --> 01:00:37,597 Oh, I shall prune unceasingly. 923 01:00:37,680 --> 01:00:40,797 I shall prune with a joyful song in my heart. 924 01:00:41,000 --> 01:00:42,797 - Yes. - Yay! 925 01:00:43,200 --> 01:00:44,428 DARYL: Yay! 926 01:00:45,720 --> 01:00:48,917 MILDEW: I'll tell you something, drear, you should be glad you're not a bogeywoman. 927 01:00:49,000 --> 01:00:52,310 These Drycleaner bras. They've only got two cups. 928 01:00:52,680 --> 01:00:53,749 - Agony. - MALE VOICE: Psst. 929 01:00:53,840 --> 01:00:57,071 Your fold might need a little bit of a tweak, my sourheart. 930 01:00:57,680 --> 01:00:59,193 MALE VOICE: Psst! 931 01:01:00,280 --> 01:01:05,115 I'm taking an almighty punt, here. But are you Fungus the Bogeyman? 932 01:01:08,600 --> 01:01:09,919 Wallow. 933 01:01:12,160 --> 01:01:15,470 Well, well. So, this is folding. 934 01:01:15,760 --> 01:01:17,398 Can I just... 935 01:01:19,200 --> 01:01:22,670 Oh, Bog, Fung, that's terrible. How can you bear it? 936 01:01:23,000 --> 01:01:26,595 When I get home, I'm going straight down The King, for a right fourstomachsful. 937 01:01:26,680 --> 01:01:29,877 No. I'm afraid that's not going to happen. 938 01:01:30,160 --> 01:01:32,833 - Have I been barred? - Worse, old scum. 939 01:01:33,120 --> 01:01:36,476 Snotsoup's had you all excombogeycated. 940 01:01:40,000 --> 01:01:41,319 I'm so sorry. 941 01:01:41,800 --> 01:01:44,519 Don't. Just tell us what to do. 942 01:01:45,880 --> 01:01:48,075 Fungus, what do we do? 943 01:01:53,880 --> 01:01:55,996 We face-fold permanently. 944 01:01:57,200 --> 01:02:00,636 We stay up here, on the surface. 945 01:02:02,120 --> 01:02:04,076 For the rest of our lives. 946 01:02:05,480 --> 01:02:07,038 As Drycleaners. 947 01:02:10,920 --> 01:02:12,638 What else can we do? 948 01:02:30,400 --> 01:02:31,992 Oh, my bog. 949 01:02:32,560 --> 01:02:34,710 You look so, scrubbed. 950 01:02:40,600 --> 01:02:44,149 Oh, that's, that's a cracking fold, old scab. 951 01:02:45,640 --> 01:02:47,392 Now, my hungry direlings, 952 01:02:47,480 --> 01:02:51,792 the Drys often leave offerings by the roadside, 953 01:02:52,080 --> 01:02:55,436 I don't know why. Spiritual thing, I expect but anyway, 954 01:02:55,520 --> 01:02:59,798 I've managed to bag a brace of human baby bum bags. 955 01:03:00,920 --> 01:03:03,832 Should be something worth picking out of those. 956 01:03:16,080 --> 01:03:17,149 Mmm. 957 01:03:22,120 --> 01:03:23,394 Fungus. 958 01:03:24,160 --> 01:03:27,118 We're like soggies without our shells out here. 959 01:03:28,280 --> 01:03:31,590 We can't get by on the occasional human baby bum bag. 960 01:03:32,600 --> 01:03:35,194 MILDEW: We need help. Surface-dweller help. 961 01:03:35,360 --> 01:03:37,271 From a Dry we can trust. 962 01:03:37,440 --> 01:03:39,556 No! Absolutely not. 963 01:03:50,840 --> 01:03:52,751 (RINGING DOORBELL) 964 01:04:00,480 --> 01:04:01,833 I should've put money on it. 965 01:04:01,920 --> 01:04:04,639 You coming back here with your tail between your legs. 966 01:04:04,960 --> 01:04:06,757 Come on, Fungus, spit it out. 967 01:04:06,840 --> 01:04:09,035 Not literally, I've just washed that step. 968 01:04:09,600 --> 01:04:12,637 I have decided on behalf of my family 969 01:04:13,040 --> 01:04:14,598 - that we need... - Of course you do. 970 01:04:14,680 --> 01:04:17,274 - Your help. - We? Where's this we? 971 01:04:18,320 --> 01:04:21,153 I see one pathetic face-folded 972 01:04:21,240 --> 01:04:23,879 ex-Bogeyman, begging at my door. 973 01:04:25,920 --> 01:04:28,388 - I can't get the hang of these... - (SNAPPING) 974 01:04:36,880 --> 01:04:39,314 So you need my help. 975 01:04:40,120 --> 01:04:41,712 Say it, Fungus. 976 01:04:42,280 --> 01:04:45,590 Say, "Eve, after all this time. 977 01:04:46,560 --> 01:04:48,039 "I need you." 978 01:04:49,920 --> 01:04:51,592 I need you, Eve. 979 01:05:02,200 --> 01:05:04,031 TROY: Great little property I've got for you today. 980 01:05:04,120 --> 01:05:05,314 Very special place. 981 01:05:05,400 --> 01:05:07,277 FUNGUS: How am I supposed to drink out of that? 982 01:05:07,360 --> 01:05:09,271 EVE: You have a responsibility to your son. 983 01:05:09,360 --> 01:05:11,635 Do you want my help and my money or don't you? 984 01:05:11,720 --> 01:05:12,755 Who are these people? 985 01:05:12,840 --> 01:05:14,558 Our new neighbours, they're lovely. 986 01:05:14,640 --> 01:05:16,676 DARYL: Possibly on a witness protection scheme. 987 01:05:16,760 --> 01:05:18,990 - Milk, everyone? - He wants to milk everyone? 988 01:05:19,080 --> 01:05:22,470 You're welcome to milk my wife, but I'm not, erm... 989 01:05:22,560 --> 01:05:24,835 I'm having a Daventry monster party. 990 01:05:24,920 --> 01:05:25,989 Can I come? 991 01:05:26,080 --> 01:05:28,594 Quite frankly, Runny, you are one creepy dude. 992 01:05:28,680 --> 01:05:31,433 EVE: Secrets, Fungus. You keep mine. And I'll keep yours. 993 01:05:31,520 --> 01:05:35,433 You betray me, and I will hit you so hard, it will kill your whole family. 994 01:05:35,520 --> 01:05:37,556 - Concentrate. - I'm trying! 995 01:05:37,640 --> 01:05:39,358 If you'll let me, I'd like to help. 996 01:05:39,440 --> 01:05:40,555 Do you want to work for me? 997 01:05:40,640 --> 01:05:42,232 SCARFACE: The Bogeyman is protected. 998 01:05:42,320 --> 01:05:44,276 I need you to help me flush him out. 999 01:05:44,360 --> 01:05:48,194 WENDY: You cannot take people's bins and tip them out in your kitchen. 1000 01:05:48,280 --> 01:05:51,238 I was trying to be Dry, like you told me to for our son. 1001 01:05:51,320 --> 01:05:52,878 Are you trying? 1002 01:05:54,000 --> 01:05:58,000 Ripped & Corrected By mstoll