Hi, Mommy.
Today, my friend Zack
tried to drink a large apple juice.
It didn't end well.
He peed himself.
How close were you? Do we need to burn your shoes?
[Scoffs]
Good.
Look what I got you.
My very own Costco membership card!
Now when we go together on Sundays,
you can enter six to eight paces ahead of me.
Plus, when offers say "limit one per customer,"
guess who is two customers now.
Hey, there's my friend Zack.
You and me. The answer was you and me.
Evan, they gave me a bag for my underwear!
Bye.
What does that mean... WWJD?
It stands for "What Would Jesus Do?"
Or maybe it stands for "What Would Jessica Do?"
[Laughs]
She would put that in a safe place,
because a replacement card costs $16.
[Whistles]
S03E06 What Would Jessica Do
♪ Fresh off the boat ♪
♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪
♪ If you don't know, homey, now you know ♪
♪ Fresh off the boat ♪
♪ Homey, you don't know where I come from ♪
♪ But I know where I'm goin' ♪
♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪
sync and corrected by ninh www.addic7ed.com
Oh, and we need more dish soap.
Let's get a barrel.
When it's empty, I saw it in half...
Two flower pots.
Ooh!
What a list.
What a beautiful Costco shopping list.
Oh, could you add Frosted Flakes?
That would be grrrrreat!
It's what the tiger on the box says.
How does a tiger know more English than Grandma?
Well, I think Honey and I are gonna head out.
Saturday nights are when we remind ourselves
that we're not just roommates.
[Both laugh]
Okay, they didn't need to know that, sweetie.
Oh, Louis, how much do I owe you?
Oh, please, put away your wallet.
It's on me.
You sure?
Yes, Louis, you sure?
Absolutely. It's the friends discount.
Oh, thanks, Lou. You know what?
Why don't you stop by my dental office
for a cleaning anytime,
at the "friends price."
I do have a little time on Sunday
while Jessica and Evan are at Costco...
Like five to eight hours.
Done. I'll see you then.
I think it's lovely you spend Saturday nights
focused on your marriage.
When I have a wife,
I'm gonna touch butts with her every day.
Louis: We, uh...
We've been putting off "the talk."
[Chuckles]
Ah. [Chuckles]
Evan: Hey, Monica.
Hey, Sam.
Hey, Jason.
[Sighs]
[Indistinct talking]
I feel so calm here,
just knowing all the bulk deals are waiting.
An entire case of mushroom soup for $4.99?
Damn it, Costco, you've done it again.
Ooh, can we get this?
[High-pitched voice] ♪ It's not unusual ♪
♪ To be loved by anyone ♪
That's silly. What would you even use that for?
It's 80% off.
We'll get two.
Hey, Jessica! Evan!
Don't wander far.
I'm debuting a spicy-ranch spread.
Hi, Marie. How's your cat, Sadie, doing?
19 years old and still bringing me mouse heads,
bless her heart.
- I like the cool, fiesta flavor. - I don't like this,
but it's free, so I will continue to chew.
[Rapping] ♪ Me and my homies, we tighter than a glove ♪
♪ We chop a lot of game is how we do at the playaz club ♪
♪ Jump in the pool or kick it in the tub ♪
♪ 'Cause we kick much ass at the playaz club ♪
♪ Somethin' to roll to, somethin' to stroll to ♪
♪ If you's a playa in the game, this will hold you ♪
♪ Mo' money, mo' money for the bank roll ♪
♪ Stick to the script, don't slip in the nine-fo ♪
♪ You can't resist it, but don't get it twisted ♪
♪ V.I.P., that means the number's not listed ♪
♪ Membership is based on clout and how you carry yourself ♪
♪ Now, homey, what you all about? ♪
♪ I stack paper and kick it... ♪
[Crunch]
♪ Miss Goody-Two-Shoe, I see you later ♪
♪ I ain't got time, you ain't nothin' but a playa hater ♪
♪ Me and my homies, we tighter than a glove ♪
♪ We chop a lot of game is how we do it at the playaz club ♪
Another great Sunday.
And not too rough on the old pocketbook.
Oh, by the way,
my friend Zack wants to hang out next Sunday.
Great, next Sunday's our toilet paper run.
We could use the extra set of hands
to help carry the 144-pack.
Ooh, birthday cake. Whose birthday is it?
Look at the price, Carmine.
At 5 cents a cubic-inch, it's all our birthdays.
[Laughs]
Oh, you did great.
No cavities. Very little plaque.
[Muffled talking]
[Chuckles] That's true.
Tooth plaque is bad,
and the plaque you hang on the wall is good.
I never thought of that.
You're all done, buddy.
Mm.
Gah! What happened?!
I threw a whitener into the fluoride treatment.
The "friends price."
You're welcome, pal.
Huh, it's very bright.
It's just, uh...
very bright.
You'll get used to it.
Your teeth haven't been this clean since you were born.
They're birth white.
Trust me. Everyone's gonna love it.
Aah!
What happened to your teeth?
Marvin snuck tooth whitener in.
I should've bought those sunglasses.
I didn't ask for this.
Now I know how people who wake up in bathtubs
without their kidneys feel... Violated.
Clean but violated.
Did you get it?
Yes, I got your tiger sugar flakes.
They're in the variety pack.
Oh, Dad?
Yes?
Oh, sorry.
That's my default way of speaking.
I meant, "Ohh, Dad."
Yes!
_
It's not so bad.
Give it a week. I'm sure it'll fade.
Aah!
It's like living with a lighthouse.
[Sighs] I feel like it's gaining strength.
Mom, could you pick up some more Frosted Flakes today?
Well, you still have the variety pack left.
I'm not going to buy new cereal
when there's still perfectly good cereal left.
But the rooster on the box looks so serious.
Finish these, then I'll buy more.
Evan, come on, I want to get there early
for the gas station fistfights!
You know I love that.
Why are you so dressed up?
Is a guest author coming today?
Is Dean Koontz coming back?
Sorry, Mommy. I can't go to Costco today.
Zack and his mom are picking me up.
What do you mean? Where are you going?
To church.
Church? What do you mean "church"?
Zack's always talking about it, and it sounds fun.
Remember, I told you he wanted to hang out?
[Horn honks]
That's them.
Don't sit in the beanbag chairs
without someone to pull you out.
Church?
- Yeah, that was surprising. - But why?
He knows we're mostly lapsed Buddhists
who believe in some Chinese superstition
but also like Christmas but in a festive,
not-religious way.
He's probably just exploring. I went through a similar phase.
I was raised Buddhist
but wanted to see what else was out there.
I almost converted to Mormonism.
So, we give up coffee,
and in exchange, we get a second wife?
Hmm.
Ultimately, I just love caffeine too much.
Church.
Why would he want to go there
instead of to Costco with me?
Jessica, don't worry. It's just one Sunday.
You're right.
You're right. It's just one Sunday.
He's probably gonna be bored.
It's fine. I'll just go to Costco alone.
It's no big deal.
If you want, I can go with you.
Oh, uh, it's...
It's just that I know people there, and...
You get it?
Each one has a higher fiber content than the last.
Zero sugars?!
How does this even qualify as a cereal?
[Sighs]
What if we put it in our pockets
and slip it down our pant legs,
like in "Shawshank Redemption"?
Mom will find it.
She always sniffs out wasted food.
Remember when I didn't eat my pizza crusts?
She can get real creative.
That's what we need to do...
Get creative.
Rice Krispie Treats!
If marshmallow and butter can make these taste good,
they'll make all of these taste good.
So, like a Bad Cereal Treat?
Like a Bad-Ass Cereal Treat.
Step aside.
I'm gonna get my chef on.
I present to you...
the B.A.C.T...
The Bad-Ass Cereal Treat.
[Crunching]
Is yours getting any smaller?
No.
We should just keep chewing.
_
[Louis chuckling]
Nope. It's just me.
She's just making fun of my teeth again.
Each time more hurtfully than the last.
[Laughs]
♪ Every time I think of you ♪
♪ I always catch my breath ♪
♪ And there's a heart that's breaking ♪
♪ Down this long-distance line tonight ♪
♪ I ain't missing you at all ♪
♪ Missing you ♪
♪ Since you've been gone ♪
♪ Missing you ♪
♪ I ain't missing you ♪
♪ Missing you ♪
Help! Someone!
Assist!
♪ I ain't missing you at all ♪
Ritz me, Marie. I've had a day.
Where's Evan?
Oh, no. You didn't lose him, did you?
No. I didn't lose Evan.
Although I might have.
I just might have.
What? Sorry. I got distracted.
Bailey's wearing a tight smock again.
Hello, Evan!
I forgot you were out.
That's right. You had, uh, church.
How was it? Boring?
How boring was it?
It wasn't boring at all.
Everyone knows everyone.
There's crackers and grape juice.
They talk about values, and they tell stories.
Like, once, there was this flood,
so this man Noah decided to build a boat
for all the animals.
He built a boat by himself?
Yeah, and he was 600 years old!
What?
And then he got two of every animal on Earth
and sailed around for 40 days.
Even snakes?
Yeah, he saved every animal.
You're telling me a man
had the chance to let all the snakes drown,
and instead, he put two of them on a boat?
No, that's not real.
Next Sunday, you should come with me.
You can hear about it yourself.
Wait. You're going back next Sunday?
But Costco just got the big bags of rice in stock.
We could put one on the bathroom scale
and see if you weigh more than it yet.
That does sound fun,
but I think I'd rather go to church.
Next week, there's a guitarist coming.
Mmm.
Oh, Louis, my friend, come over here
and meet the old boys from dental school.
[Muffled] Hello. Nice to meet you.
Oh, buddy. These burgers are so good.
Great. Juicy.
Perfect temp. Eh.
Ah, don't mind Ted.
You know how every ad says
four out of five dentists recommend a product?
He's that fifth guy.
He can just never get on board.
What can I say? I'm hard to please.
[Laughter]
I gave Louis the cleaning of his life last week
at the "friends price."
Go ahead. Reveal that ivory curtain.
Um... actually, I need to work the floor, so...
Come on, now. Don't be shy.
You look like a million bucks.
- No, I'm good. - Come on.
Smile. Smile.
I don't want to smile.
Smile!
No!
I never wanted this!
You can't just change the color of a man's teeth without asking.
Hey, I did you a favor, as a friend.
I liked my old teeth hue.
I gave you 250 bucks of free work,
and I made you easier on the eyes.
I took you from a seven to an eight...
An eight and a half.
I was never a seven!
[Thudding]
It's getting harder.
And I think, somehow, bigger.
It's Saturday night.
If we don't finish by tomorrow morning,
we won't get our Frosted Flakes.
Like Tupac... R.I.P... said,
"No matter how hard it gets,
stick your chest out, keep your head up,
and handle it."
Are they getting any closer to catching his killer?
No. They have no leads.
Cops are chasing their own tails!
Don't look at me while I do this.
[Swishing]
[Spits]
Do you know what Evan is doing alone in his room?
Already? He's only 9.
He's praying.
Oh, yes, that's, uh... what I thought, too.
What is he saying?
What conversation does he need to be having with God
that he can't have with his own mother?
If you're so curious,
maybe you should go to church with him.
You know my family wasn't religious.
I just didn't grow up that way.
It all just seems so strange.
The only thing I know about Christianity
is the sad story of Mary's son leaving her.
There's more to it than that.
I do believe there's something bigger out there.
And there are upsides to organized religion.
I biked around for a summer with the Mormons,
and you should've seen my calves.
I mean, like pow, pow!
He's just a boy.
He doesn't need pow-pow calves.
But he does need to find his own way,
and you have to let him see where this leads.
What if I can't?
You have to.
[Deep voice] Evan.
God?
Yes, Evan. It's me... God.
I have a special message for you.
Don't go to church anymore.
What?!
There's too many people already. It's just too much.
Go to Costco with Mommy instead.
[Gasps] Mommy!
I was just getting some applesauce.
Jessica!
I'm disappointed in your betrayal.
But I forgive you.
That's what Jesus would do.
And, please, wipe off the microphone
when you're finished with it.
It's for both of us.
[Crunching]
I'm going to church, brothers.
By the way, if you hear the voice of God,
it's just Mom.
_
Evan, take this loaf with you!
Maybe the homeless will want it!
[Sighs]
I'm washing down bites like pills.
You faked being God?
I mean, I know I say I'm a god on the dance floor,
but never in front of the children.
I didn't know what else to do!
I thought if I could just get him back to Costco...
Eddie: Aah!
I fink I chipped my toof.
I'm sorry. I just can't recommend it.
[Sighs] Oh, come on, Ted.
[Louis clears throat]
Marvin: Louis.
Well, do you have an appointment?
Uh... look, I know things were awkward the other night.
Eddie! Kiddo, what happened?
B.A.C.T.
Oh, is that an acronym for a Rice Krispie-style treat
you tried to make out of the duds
of a variety pack?
I'm a dentist. I've seen everything.
Well, hop up in the chair, and let's bib you up.
I'll take a gold cap like Big Daddy Kane, if you got it.
No. Just a normal cap.
I'm sorry I blew up at the restaurant.
No, I'm sorry.
It was presumptuous of me to assume
that you wanted to look so damn fantastic.
[Chuckles]
You were never a seven.
You were always a nine.
Mm-hmm.
[Sighs] Oh.
Um...
Just so we're clear,
I'm going to pay full price for Eddie's dental work.
I think it's better that way, for our friendship.
Agreed.
And I'll pay full price at your restaurant.
Well, I'm glad we worked this out.
Yeah.
Oh.
[Both chuckle]
Oh, and don't worry.
That whitening agent that I use
only lasts four to six weeks. [Sighs]
Which is why I cannot recommend it.
We get it, Ted!
Okay?
We get it!
Hey, Jessica. Special today...
Ritz-os.
Who needs tortilla chips to make nachos?
Oh, no. I can make it less spicy.
Can I talk to you about something?
Oh, sure.
I just need to make some more samples,
so how about I get the crackers,
you get the salsa.
We'll chat in the aisle.
So, how can I help?
You were right.
I have lost Evan...
to church.
We used to spend every Sunday together,
and now he goes there instead of here with me.
Oh, I see.
And why does this upset you so?
[Sighing] I don't know.
I'm afraid I'm losing my baby to something I don't understand.
Well, you know, the first rule of sampling is,
always ask the customer what it is
they like about the sample.
Shouldn't the first rule be hygiene?
Have you asked Evan what he likes about church?
Yes, he says it's fun, everybody knows everybody,
they talk about values, and they have good snacks.
Sounds like a place we both know and love.
What place?
Look around you.
[Organ plays]
The community.
The values.
The sense of calm I get just walking in the door.
Church is Evan's Costco!
Excuse me, sir.
Are you Greg?
[Organ stops] Your wife sent me.
You're supposed to be getting chicken nuggets and milk.
[Sighs]
[Bells tolling]
Mommy!
[Sighs]
This is your bulk deals,
and if that's what you want, you can have it.
I mean, I wish that bulk deals were your bulk deals,
but whatever.
You're young. You have time.
Eternity.
Sure.
For now, the only thing that matters to me
is that we get to spend Sundays together.
So, you'll come to church with me?
I will come to outside church with you,
and then you can go in.
I'm good out here.
But I'll wait for you.
And then you can tell me all about it.
Today, we learned about this man Jonah
who lived in the belly of a whale for three whole days.
Impossible.
- What was that? - Nothing. Go on.
Oh, and get this.
They have something called Sunday School here.
It's school on Sundays!
No kidding?!
Ah!
Evan, you ready for me to drive you to church?
I thought I'd come to Costco today.
They just got in the off-model Kenneth Cole kids' blazers.
Is that okay?
Oh, y-yeah. Of course it is.
Great, and I can go to church next Sunday.
[Softly] We'll see.
Eddie, I'll pick you up some porridge
since you could only eat soft food.
Does that mean I don't have to finish this?
Of course you don't.
And I don't expect Emery to have to finish it by himself.
I'll boil it and make a stock.
[Both sigh]
Okay.
Let's go get you that blazer.
My right arm is slightly longer than my left.
It's like God made my body for factory mistakes.
Or maybe I've just always held your right hand
with just enough tension to stretch it.
God's got nothing on Mommy.
Okay. You're up.
I weigh more than the rice. I'm growing!
You think you're ready for the keg of mayonnaise yet?
Someday, but not today.
Okay, now let's try it with this carpet steamer.
If I weigh less, we get Pop-Tarts.
If I weigh more, we never speak of it again.
sync and corrected by ninh www.addic7ed.com