1
00:00:04,235 --> 00:00:05,268
Hi, Mommy.
2
00:00:05,370 --> 00:00:06,336
Today, my friend Zack
3
00:00:06,438 --> 00:00:08,104
tried to drink a large apple juice.
4
00:00:08,206 --> 00:00:09,706
It didn't end well.
5
00:00:09,808 --> 00:00:11,107
He peed himself.
6
00:00:11,209 --> 00:00:13,109
How close were you?
Do we need to burn your shoes?
7
00:00:13,211 --> 00:00:14,210
[Scoffs]
8
00:00:14,279 --> 00:00:15,578
Good.
9
00:00:15,680 --> 00:00:16,646
Look what I got you.
10
00:00:16,748 --> 00:00:19,816
My very own Costco membership card!
11
00:00:19,884 --> 00:00:21,784
Now when we go together on Sundays,
12
00:00:21,820 --> 00:00:24,087
you can enter six to
eight paces ahead of me.
13
00:00:24,155 --> 00:00:25,955
Plus, when offers say
"limit one per customer,"
14
00:00:26,057 --> 00:00:28,591
guess who is two customers now.
15
00:00:28,660 --> 00:00:29,892
Hey, there's my friend Zack.
16
00:00:29,928 --> 00:00:31,758
You and me. The answer was you and me.
17
00:00:31,970 --> 00:00:34,510
Evan,
they gave me a bag for my underwear!
18
00:00:34,761 --> 00:00:36,229
Bye.
19
00:00:39,738 --> 00:00:42,171
What does that mean... WWJD?
20
00:00:42,240 --> 00:00:45,174
It stands for "What Would Jesus Do?"
21
00:00:45,703 --> 00:00:49,045
Or maybe it stands for
"What Would Jessica Do?"
22
00:00:49,114 --> 00:00:50,046
[Laughs]
23
00:00:50,148 --> 00:00:51,314
She would put that in a safe place,
24
00:00:51,383 --> 00:00:53,316
because a replacement card costs $16.
25
00:00:53,418 --> 00:00:55,418
[Whistles]
26
00:00:56,254 --> 00:00:58,721
S03E06
What Would Jessica Do
27
00:00:58,823 --> 00:00:59,889
♪ Fresh off the boat ♪
28
00:00:59,991 --> 00:01:01,591
♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪
29
00:01:01,693 --> 00:01:03,726
♪ If you don't know,
homey, now you know ♪
30
00:01:03,828 --> 00:01:04,994
♪ Fresh off the boat ♪
31
00:01:05,096 --> 00:01:07,330
♪ Homey,
you don't know where I come from ♪
32
00:01:07,432 --> 00:01:08,865
♪ But I know where I'm goin' ♪
33
00:01:08,967 --> 00:01:10,146
♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪
34
00:01:10,210 --> 00:01:11,956
sync and corrected by ninh
www.addic7ed.com
35
00:01:15,273 --> 00:01:17,240
Oh, and we need more dish soap.
36
00:01:17,342 --> 00:01:18,474
Let's get a barrel.
37
00:01:18,576 --> 00:01:20,176
When it's empty, I saw it in half...
38
00:01:20,278 --> 00:01:21,611
Two flower pots.
39
00:01:21,713 --> 00:01:22,678
Ooh!
40
00:01:22,781 --> 00:01:23,946
What a list.
41
00:01:24,048 --> 00:01:26,315
What a beautiful Costco shopping list.
42
00:01:27,007 --> 00:01:28,418
Oh, could you add Frosted Flakes?
43
00:01:28,605 --> 00:01:30,887
That would be grrrrreat!
44
00:01:32,097 --> 00:01:33,723
It's what the tiger on the box says.
45
00:01:33,792 --> 00:01:37,059
How does a tiger know
more English than Grandma?
46
00:01:37,162 --> 00:01:39,629
Well,
I think Honey and I are gonna head out.
47
00:01:39,731 --> 00:01:41,564
Saturday nights are
when we remind ourselves
48
00:01:41,633 --> 00:01:43,399
that we're not just roommates.
49
00:01:43,501 --> 00:01:44,467
[Both laugh]
50
00:01:44,569 --> 00:01:47,169
Okay, they didn't need to know that,
sweetie.
51
00:01:47,540 --> 00:01:49,172
Oh, Louis, how much do I owe you?
52
00:01:49,240 --> 00:01:50,640
Oh, please, put away your wallet.
53
00:01:50,708 --> 00:01:51,307
It's on me.
54
00:01:51,409 --> 00:01:52,141
You sure?
55
00:01:52,243 --> 00:01:54,122
Yes, Louis, you sure?
56
00:01:54,206 --> 00:01:56,012
Absolutely. It's the friends discount.
57
00:01:56,114 --> 00:01:58,948
Oh, thanks, Lou. You know what?
58
00:01:59,050 --> 00:02:00,783
Why don't you stop by my dental office
59
00:02:00,885 --> 00:02:03,186
for a cleaning anytime,
60
00:02:03,288 --> 00:02:04,720
at the "friends price."
61
00:02:04,789 --> 00:02:06,355
I do have a little time on Sunday
62
00:02:06,458 --> 00:02:08,257
while Jessica and Evan are at Costco...
63
00:02:08,359 --> 00:02:10,326
Like five to eight hours.
64
00:02:10,395 --> 00:02:12,224
Done. I'll see you then.
65
00:02:12,362 --> 00:02:14,130
I think it's lovely you
spend Saturday nights
66
00:02:14,232 --> 00:02:15,631
focused on your marriage.
67
00:02:15,733 --> 00:02:16,799
When I have a wife,
68
00:02:16,901 --> 00:02:19,302
I'm gonna touch butts
with her every day.
69
00:02:21,098 --> 00:02:21,971
Louis: We, uh...
70
00:02:22,073 --> 00:02:24,106
We've been putting off "the talk."
71
00:02:24,209 --> 00:02:25,508
[Chuckles]
72
00:02:25,610 --> 00:02:26,909
Ah. [Chuckles]
73
00:02:29,781 --> 00:02:31,247
Evan: Hey, Monica.
74
00:02:31,349 --> 00:02:32,582
Hey, Sam.
75
00:02:32,650 --> 00:02:34,050
Hey, Jason.
76
00:02:34,152 --> 00:02:35,384
[Sighs]
77
00:02:35,487 --> 00:02:37,086
[Indistinct talking]
78
00:02:37,188 --> 00:02:38,921
I feel so calm here,
79
00:02:39,023 --> 00:02:42,158
just knowing all the
bulk deals are waiting.
80
00:02:44,729 --> 00:02:48,397
An entire case of
mushroom soup for $4.99?
81
00:02:48,466 --> 00:02:51,167
Damn it, Costco, you've done it again.
82
00:02:56,441 --> 00:02:57,607
Ooh, can we get this?
83
00:02:57,709 --> 00:02:59,642
[High-pitched voice]
♪ It's not unusual ♪
84
00:02:59,744 --> 00:03:02,345
♪ To be loved by anyone ♪
85
00:03:02,447 --> 00:03:04,213
That's silly.
What would you even use that for?
86
00:03:04,315 --> 00:03:05,381
It's 80% off.
87
00:03:05,483 --> 00:03:06,514
We'll get two.
88
00:03:09,954 --> 00:03:11,888
Hey, Jessica! Evan!
89
00:03:11,990 --> 00:03:12,922
Don't wander far.
90
00:03:13,024 --> 00:03:15,558
I'm debuting a spicy-ranch spread.
91
00:03:15,660 --> 00:03:17,927
Hi, Marie. How's your cat, Sadie, doing?
92
00:03:18,029 --> 00:03:20,029
19 years old and still
bringing me mouse heads,
93
00:03:20,131 --> 00:03:21,163
bless her heart.
94
00:03:24,981 --> 00:03:26,869
- I like the cool, fiesta flavor.
- I don't like this,
95
00:03:26,971 --> 00:03:29,972
but it's free,
so I will continue to chew.
96
00:03:30,074 --> 00:03:32,241
[Rapping] ♪ Me and my homies,
we tighter than a glove ♪
97
00:03:32,277 --> 00:03:34,911
♪ We chop a lot of game is
how we do at the playaz club ♪
98
00:03:34,979 --> 00:03:36,679
♪ Jump in the pool or
kick it in the tub ♪
99
00:03:36,748 --> 00:03:39,448
♪ 'Cause we kick much
ass at the playaz club ♪
100
00:03:39,484 --> 00:03:41,817
♪ Somethin' to roll to,
somethin' to stroll to ♪
101
00:03:41,886 --> 00:03:44,186
♪ If you's a playa in the game,
this will hold you ♪
102
00:03:44,255 --> 00:03:46,422
♪ Mo' money,
mo' money for the bank roll ♪
103
00:03:46,457 --> 00:03:48,758
♪ Stick to the script,
don't slip in the nine-fo ♪
104
00:03:48,826 --> 00:03:50,960
♪ You can't resist it,
but don't get it twisted ♪
105
00:03:50,995 --> 00:03:53,563
♪ V.I.P.,
that means the number's not listed ♪
106
00:03:53,631 --> 00:03:56,432
♪ Membership is based on clout
and how you carry yourself ♪
107
00:03:56,534 --> 00:03:58,134
♪ Now, homey, what you all about? ♪
108
00:03:58,236 --> 00:03:59,035
♪ I stack paper and kick it... ♪
109
00:03:59,137 --> 00:04:00,236
[Crunch]
110
00:04:02,507 --> 00:04:04,640
♪ Miss Goody-Two-Shoe,
I see you later ♪
111
00:04:04,709 --> 00:04:07,376
♪ I ain't got time,
you ain't nothin' but a playa hater ♪
112
00:04:07,445 --> 00:04:09,245
♪ Me and my homies,
we tighter than a glove ♪
113
00:04:09,314 --> 00:04:12,014
♪ We chop a lot of game is how
we do it at the playaz club ♪
114
00:04:12,083 --> 00:04:13,449
Another great Sunday.
115
00:04:13,484 --> 00:04:16,285
And not too rough on the old pocketbook.
116
00:04:16,387 --> 00:04:17,453
Oh, by the way,
117
00:04:17,522 --> 00:04:19,355
my friend Zack wants to
hang out next Sunday.
118
00:04:19,424 --> 00:04:21,157
Great,
next Sunday's our toilet paper run.
119
00:04:21,225 --> 00:04:22,758
We could use the extra set of hands
120
00:04:22,794 --> 00:04:24,594
to help carry the 144-pack.
121
00:04:24,696 --> 00:04:26,662
Ooh, birthday cake.
Whose birthday is it?
122
00:04:26,731 --> 00:04:28,431
Look at the price, Carmine.
123
00:04:28,499 --> 00:04:31,767
At 5 cents a cubic-inch,
it's all our birthdays.
124
00:04:31,869 --> 00:04:32,668
[Laughs]
125
00:04:35,740 --> 00:04:37,873
Oh, you did great.
126
00:04:37,976 --> 00:04:41,811
No cavities. Very little plaque.
127
00:04:41,879 --> 00:04:43,212
[Muffled talking]
128
00:04:45,750 --> 00:04:47,216
[Chuckles] That's true.
129
00:04:47,318 --> 00:04:48,284
Tooth plaque is bad,
130
00:04:48,353 --> 00:04:50,152
and the plaque you hang
on the wall is good.
131
00:04:50,254 --> 00:04:51,220
I never thought of that.
132
00:04:51,255 --> 00:04:52,421
You're all done, buddy.
133
00:04:52,490 --> 00:04:53,322
Mm.
134
00:04:56,327 --> 00:04:58,294
Gah! What happened?!
135
00:04:58,329 --> 00:05:00,296
I threw a whitener into
the fluoride treatment.
136
00:05:00,398 --> 00:05:01,664
The "friends price."
137
00:05:01,733 --> 00:05:02,965
You're welcome, pal.
138
00:05:03,034 --> 00:05:04,834
Huh, it's very bright.
139
00:05:05,153 --> 00:05:06,602
It's just, uh...
140
00:05:07,322 --> 00:05:08,070
very bright.
141
00:05:08,172 --> 00:05:09,639
You'll get used to it.
142
00:05:09,741 --> 00:05:13,376
Your teeth haven't been this
clean since you were born.
143
00:05:13,444 --> 00:05:15,111
They're birth white.
144
00:05:15,213 --> 00:05:16,646
Trust me. Everyone's gonna love it.
145
00:05:16,748 --> 00:05:17,613
Aah!
146
00:05:18,683 --> 00:05:20,699
What happened to your teeth?
147
00:05:20,932 --> 00:05:22,618
Marvin snuck tooth whitener in.
148
00:05:22,720 --> 00:05:24,787
I should've bought those sunglasses.
149
00:05:24,856 --> 00:05:26,055
I didn't ask for this.
150
00:05:26,124 --> 00:05:28,024
Now I know how people
who wake up in bathtubs
151
00:05:28,092 --> 00:05:31,227
without their kidneys feel... Violated.
152
00:05:31,295 --> 00:05:32,628
Clean but violated.
153
00:05:32,697 --> 00:05:33,663
Did you get it?
154
00:05:33,765 --> 00:05:35,931
Yes, I got your tiger sugar flakes.
155
00:05:36,000 --> 00:05:37,733
They're in the variety pack.
156
00:05:37,802 --> 00:05:39,168
Oh, Dad?
157
00:05:39,237 --> 00:05:40,202
Yes?
158
00:05:40,271 --> 00:05:41,137
Oh, sorry.
159
00:05:41,205 --> 00:05:42,638
That's my default way of speaking.
160
00:05:42,774 --> 00:05:45,508
I meant, "Ohh, Dad."
161
00:05:47,745 --> 00:05:48,878
Yes!
162
00:05:52,864 --> 00:05:55,594
_
163
00:05:56,387 --> 00:05:57,954
It's not so bad.
164
00:05:58,123 --> 00:06:00,028
Give it a week. I'm sure it'll fade.
165
00:06:01,059 --> 00:06:02,758
Aah!
166
00:06:02,860 --> 00:06:04,460
It's like living with a lighthouse.
167
00:06:04,562 --> 00:06:06,916
[Sighs] I feel like
it's gaining strength.
168
00:06:07,212 --> 00:06:09,265
Mom, could you pick up some
more Frosted Flakes today?
169
00:06:09,333 --> 00:06:10,700
Well,
you still have the variety pack left.
170
00:06:10,768 --> 00:06:11,901
I'm not going to buy new cereal
171
00:06:11,969 --> 00:06:13,869
when there's still
perfectly good cereal left.
172
00:06:13,971 --> 00:06:16,572
But the rooster on the
box looks so serious.
173
00:06:18,160 --> 00:06:20,776
Finish these, then I'll buy more.
174
00:06:21,408 --> 00:06:22,745
Evan, come on, I want to get there early
175
00:06:22,847 --> 00:06:24,380
for the gas station fistfights!
176
00:06:24,482 --> 00:06:25,948
You know I love that.
177
00:06:27,719 --> 00:06:29,719
Why are you so dressed up?
178
00:06:30,153 --> 00:06:32,054
Is a guest author coming today?
179
00:06:32,826 --> 00:06:34,156
Is Dean Koontz coming back?
180
00:06:34,258 --> 00:06:36,932
Sorry, Mommy.
I can't go to Costco today.
181
00:06:37,038 --> 00:06:38,847
Zack and his mom are picking me up.
182
00:06:39,017 --> 00:06:40,396
What do you mean? Where are you going?
183
00:06:40,614 --> 00:06:41,664
To church.
184
00:06:44,895 --> 00:06:47,943
Church? What do you mean "church"?
185
00:06:48,080 --> 00:06:50,525
Zack's always talking about it,
and it sounds fun.
186
00:06:50,609 --> 00:06:52,766
Remember,
I told you he wanted to hang out?
187
00:06:52,835 --> 00:06:53,516
[Horn honks]
188
00:06:53,665 --> 00:06:54,468
That's them.
189
00:06:54,570 --> 00:06:55,769
Don't sit in the beanbag chairs
190
00:06:55,838 --> 00:06:57,739
without someone to pull you out.
191
00:07:02,545 --> 00:07:03,477
Church?
192
00:07:03,579 --> 00:07:05,426
- Yeah, that was surprising.
- But why?
193
00:07:05,598 --> 00:07:07,164
He knows we're mostly lapsed Buddhists
194
00:07:07,233 --> 00:07:08,899
who believe in some Chinese superstition
195
00:07:08,968 --> 00:07:11,201
but also like Christmas
but in a festive,
196
00:07:11,304 --> 00:07:12,570
not-religious way.
197
00:07:12,605 --> 00:07:15,406
He's probably just exploring.
I went through a similar phase.
198
00:07:15,508 --> 00:07:16,674
I was raised Buddhist
199
00:07:16,742 --> 00:07:19,009
but wanted to see what
else was out there.
200
00:07:19,078 --> 00:07:20,511
I almost converted to Mormonism.
201
00:07:20,613 --> 00:07:22,012
So, we give up coffee,
202
00:07:22,081 --> 00:07:24,248
and in exchange, we get a second wife?
203
00:07:28,256 --> 00:07:29,251
Hmm.
204
00:07:33,473 --> 00:07:36,160
Ultimately,
I just love caffeine too much.
205
00:07:36,262 --> 00:07:37,661
Church.
206
00:07:37,730 --> 00:07:38,829
Why would he want to go there
207
00:07:38,898 --> 00:07:40,364
instead of to Costco with me?
208
00:07:40,433 --> 00:07:42,399
Jessica, don't worry.
It's just one Sunday.
209
00:07:42,501 --> 00:07:43,534
You're right.
210
00:07:43,961 --> 00:07:45,502
You're right. It's just one Sunday.
211
00:07:45,571 --> 00:07:47,204
He's probably gonna be bored.
212
00:07:47,273 --> 00:07:49,873
It's fine. I'll just go to Costco alone.
213
00:07:49,976 --> 00:07:51,041
It's no big deal.
214
00:07:51,143 --> 00:07:52,443
If you want, I can go with you.
215
00:07:52,545 --> 00:07:55,045
Oh, uh, it's...
216
00:07:55,910 --> 00:07:59,149
It's just that I know people there,
and...
217
00:07:59,724 --> 00:08:00,784
You get it?
218
00:08:03,946 --> 00:08:06,323
Each one has a higher fiber
content than the last.
219
00:08:06,392 --> 00:08:07,725
Zero sugars?!
220
00:08:07,793 --> 00:08:09,760
How does this even qualify as a cereal?
221
00:08:09,862 --> 00:08:10,761
[Sighs]
222
00:08:10,830 --> 00:08:12,296
What if we put it in our pockets
223
00:08:12,365 --> 00:08:13,831
and slip it down our pant legs,
224
00:08:13,899 --> 00:08:15,299
like in "Shawshank Redemption"?
225
00:08:15,401 --> 00:08:16,333
Mom will find it.
226
00:08:16,402 --> 00:08:18,302
She always sniffs out wasted food.
227
00:08:18,404 --> 00:08:20,489
Remember when I didn't
eat my pizza crusts?
228
00:08:25,211 --> 00:08:27,845
She can get real creative.
229
00:08:27,913 --> 00:08:29,313
That's what we need to do...
230
00:08:29,415 --> 00:08:30,547
Get creative.
231
00:08:31,261 --> 00:08:32,282
Rice Krispie Treats!
232
00:08:32,351 --> 00:08:34,679
If marshmallow and butter
can make these taste good,
233
00:08:34,837 --> 00:08:36,086
they'll make all of these taste good.
234
00:08:36,975 --> 00:08:39,312
So, like a Bad Cereal Treat?
235
00:08:39,418 --> 00:08:42,026
Like a Bad-Ass Cereal Treat.
236
00:08:42,094 --> 00:08:43,482
Step aside.
237
00:08:43,619 --> 00:08:45,562
I'm gonna get my chef on.
238
00:08:45,665 --> 00:08:47,731
I present to you...
239
00:08:47,833 --> 00:08:49,433
the B.A.C.T...
240
00:08:49,502 --> 00:08:51,201
The Bad-Ass Cereal Treat.
241
00:08:53,439 --> 00:08:54,405
[Crunching]
242
00:08:58,411 --> 00:09:00,310
Is yours getting any smaller?
243
00:09:00,379 --> 00:09:01,712
No.
244
00:09:01,781 --> 00:09:03,013
We should just keep chewing.
245
00:09:03,163 --> 00:09:03,703
_
246
00:09:03,809 --> 00:09:05,100
_
247
00:09:05,248 --> 00:09:07,438
_
248
00:09:07,576 --> 00:09:08,677
_
249
00:09:08,754 --> 00:09:09,720
[Louis chuckling]
250
00:09:09,822 --> 00:09:10,821
Nope. It's just me.
251
00:09:10,923 --> 00:09:13,023
She's just making fun of my teeth again.
252
00:09:13,092 --> 00:09:15,192
Each time more hurtfully than the last.
253
00:09:15,261 --> 00:09:16,260
[Laughs]
254
00:09:22,001 --> 00:09:25,269
♪ Every time I think of you ♪
255
00:09:25,337 --> 00:09:29,273
♪ I always catch my breath ♪
256
00:09:29,308 --> 00:09:33,644
♪ And there's a heart
that's breaking ♪
257
00:09:33,713 --> 00:09:37,214
♪ Down this long-distance
line tonight ♪
258
00:09:37,316 --> 00:09:40,117
♪ I ain't missing you at all ♪
259
00:09:40,186 --> 00:09:42,186
♪ Missing you ♪
260
00:09:42,254 --> 00:09:44,855
♪ Since you've been gone ♪
261
00:09:44,990 --> 00:09:46,356
♪ Missing you ♪
262
00:09:46,459 --> 00:09:49,026
♪ I ain't missing you ♪
263
00:09:49,128 --> 00:09:50,227
♪ Missing you ♪
264
00:09:50,296 --> 00:09:51,695
Help! Someone!
265
00:09:51,764 --> 00:09:53,263
Assist!
266
00:09:55,334 --> 00:09:57,968
♪ I ain't missing you at all ♪
267
00:10:03,109 --> 00:10:04,675
Ritz me, Marie. I've had a day.
268
00:10:04,744 --> 00:10:06,076
Where's Evan?
269
00:10:06,145 --> 00:10:08,078
Oh, no. You didn't lose him, did you?
270
00:10:08,147 --> 00:10:10,280
No. I didn't lose Evan.
271
00:10:10,867 --> 00:10:12,516
Although I might have.
272
00:10:12,804 --> 00:10:14,351
I just might have.
273
00:10:15,051 --> 00:10:16,787
What? Sorry. I got distracted.
274
00:10:16,889 --> 00:10:19,757
Bailey's wearing a tight smock again.
275
00:10:27,967 --> 00:10:29,945
Hello, Evan!
276
00:10:30,250 --> 00:10:31,869
I forgot you were out.
277
00:10:31,937 --> 00:10:34,671
That's right. You had, uh, church.
278
00:10:34,774 --> 00:10:36,467
How was it? Boring?
279
00:10:36,586 --> 00:10:37,674
How boring was it?
280
00:10:37,777 --> 00:10:39,176
It wasn't boring at all.
281
00:10:39,245 --> 00:10:40,477
Everyone knows everyone.
282
00:10:40,546 --> 00:10:42,346
There's crackers and grape juice.
283
00:10:42,448 --> 00:10:44,782
They talk about values,
and they tell stories.
284
00:10:44,884 --> 00:10:46,216
Like, once, there was this flood,
285
00:10:46,285 --> 00:10:48,919
so this man Noah decided to build a boat
286
00:10:48,988 --> 00:10:50,020
for all the animals.
287
00:10:50,122 --> 00:10:52,256
He built a boat by himself?
288
00:10:52,324 --> 00:10:54,863
Yeah, and he was 600 years old!
289
00:10:55,048 --> 00:10:55,826
What?
290
00:10:55,895 --> 00:10:58,262
And then he got two of
every animal on Earth
291
00:10:58,364 --> 00:11:00,063
and sailed around for 40 days.
292
00:11:00,166 --> 00:11:01,398
Even snakes?
293
00:11:01,500 --> 00:11:02,900
Yeah, he saved every animal.
294
00:11:02,968 --> 00:11:04,001
You're telling me a man
295
00:11:04,069 --> 00:11:06,136
had the chance to let
all the snakes drown,
296
00:11:06,238 --> 00:11:08,205
and instead,
he put two of them on a boat?
297
00:11:08,274 --> 00:11:09,206
No, that's not real.
298
00:11:09,308 --> 00:11:10,841
Next Sunday, you should come with me.
299
00:11:10,943 --> 00:11:12,276
You can hear about it yourself.
300
00:11:12,378 --> 00:11:14,211
Wait. You're going back next Sunday?
301
00:11:14,246 --> 00:11:16,613
But Costco just got the
big bags of rice in stock.
302
00:11:16,682 --> 00:11:18,582
We could put one on the bathroom scale
303
00:11:18,651 --> 00:11:20,551
and see if you weigh more than it yet.
304
00:11:20,619 --> 00:11:22,035
That does sound fun,
305
00:11:22,127 --> 00:11:24,112
but I think I'd rather go to church.
306
00:11:24,217 --> 00:11:26,123
Next week, there's a guitarist coming.
307
00:11:31,964 --> 00:11:33,263
Mmm.
308
00:11:33,365 --> 00:11:34,731
Oh, Louis, my friend, come over here
309
00:11:34,800 --> 00:11:36,466
and meet the old boys
from dental school.
310
00:11:36,502 --> 00:11:38,001
[Muffled] Hello. Nice to meet you.
311
00:11:38,103 --> 00:11:40,037
Oh, buddy. These burgers are so good.
312
00:11:40,139 --> 00:11:41,171
Great. Juicy.
313
00:11:41,273 --> 00:11:42,706
Perfect temp. Eh.
314
00:11:42,775 --> 00:11:44,575
Ah, don't mind Ted.
315
00:11:44,643 --> 00:11:45,843
You know how every ad says
316
00:11:45,878 --> 00:11:47,611
four out of five dentists
recommend a product?
317
00:11:47,680 --> 00:11:49,379
He's that fifth guy.
318
00:11:49,448 --> 00:11:51,048
He can just never get on board.
319
00:11:51,083 --> 00:11:52,916
What can I say? I'm hard to please.
320
00:11:53,018 --> 00:11:54,184
[Laughter]
321
00:11:54,253 --> 00:11:56,086
I gave Louis the cleaning
of his life last week
322
00:11:56,155 --> 00:11:57,554
at the "friends price."
323
00:11:57,623 --> 00:11:59,923
Go ahead. Reveal that ivory curtain.
324
00:11:59,992 --> 00:12:02,759
Um... actually, I need
to work the floor, so...
325
00:12:02,862 --> 00:12:03,994
Come on, now. Don't be shy.
326
00:12:04,096 --> 00:12:05,395
You look like a million bucks.
327
00:12:05,464 --> 00:12:06,530
- No, I'm good.
- Come on.
328
00:12:06,632 --> 00:12:08,065
Smile. Smile.
329
00:12:08,167 --> 00:12:09,032
I don't want to smile.
330
00:12:09,134 --> 00:12:09,800
Smile!
331
00:12:09,869 --> 00:12:10,567
No!
332
00:12:10,669 --> 00:12:12,202
I never wanted this!
333
00:12:12,271 --> 00:12:15,706
You can't just change the color
of a man's teeth without asking.
334
00:12:15,774 --> 00:12:18,041
Hey, I did you a favor, as a friend.
335
00:12:18,110 --> 00:12:19,943
I liked my old teeth hue.
336
00:12:20,045 --> 00:12:22,679
I gave you 250 bucks of free work,
337
00:12:22,748 --> 00:12:24,414
and I made you easier on the eyes.
338
00:12:24,516 --> 00:12:26,316
I took you from a seven to an eight...
339
00:12:26,418 --> 00:12:27,870
An eight and a half.
340
00:12:28,147 --> 00:12:31,321
I was never a seven!
341
00:12:34,193 --> 00:12:35,225
[Thudding]
342
00:12:37,162 --> 00:12:38,428
It's getting harder.
343
00:12:38,464 --> 00:12:39,763
And I think, somehow, bigger.
344
00:12:39,865 --> 00:12:40,797
It's Saturday night.
345
00:12:40,866 --> 00:12:42,466
If we don't finish by tomorrow morning,
346
00:12:42,568 --> 00:12:43,967
we won't get our Frosted Flakes.
347
00:12:44,069 --> 00:12:45,602
Like Tupac... R.I.P... said,
348
00:12:45,704 --> 00:12:47,204
"No matter how hard it gets,
349
00:12:47,306 --> 00:12:49,273
stick your chest out, keep your head up,
350
00:12:49,375 --> 00:12:50,874
and handle it."
351
00:12:50,943 --> 00:12:52,542
Are they getting any closer
to catching his killer?
352
00:12:52,611 --> 00:12:53,777
No. They have no leads.
353
00:12:53,846 --> 00:12:55,779
Cops are chasing their own tails!
354
00:13:00,307 --> 00:13:02,357
Don't look at me while I do this.
355
00:13:12,031 --> 00:13:14,665
[Swishing]
356
00:13:14,733 --> 00:13:15,732
[Spits]
357
00:13:18,704 --> 00:13:20,604
Do you know what Evan is
doing alone in his room?
358
00:13:20,706 --> 00:13:22,372
Already? He's only 9.
359
00:13:22,474 --> 00:13:23,473
He's praying.
360
00:13:23,542 --> 00:13:25,542
Oh, yes, that's, uh...
what I thought, too.
361
00:13:25,644 --> 00:13:26,743
What is he saying?
362
00:13:26,812 --> 00:13:28,612
What conversation does he
need to be having with God
363
00:13:28,681 --> 00:13:30,080
that he can't have with his own mother?
364
00:13:30,149 --> 00:13:31,281
If you're so curious,
365
00:13:31,350 --> 00:13:32,582
maybe you should go to church with him.
366
00:13:32,685 --> 00:13:34,484
You know my family wasn't religious.
367
00:13:34,586 --> 00:13:36,420
I just didn't grow up that way.
368
00:13:36,522 --> 00:13:38,255
It all just seems so strange.
369
00:13:38,357 --> 00:13:40,190
The only thing I know about Christianity
370
00:13:40,292 --> 00:13:43,293
is the sad story of
Mary's son leaving her.
371
00:13:44,296 --> 00:13:45,762
There's more to it than that.
372
00:13:45,864 --> 00:13:48,065
I do believe there's
something bigger out there.
373
00:13:48,167 --> 00:13:50,233
And there are upsides
to organized religion.
374
00:13:50,336 --> 00:13:52,069
I biked around for a
summer with the Mormons,
375
00:13:52,204 --> 00:13:53,203
and you should've seen my calves.
376
00:13:53,305 --> 00:13:54,338
I mean, like pow, pow!
377
00:13:54,440 --> 00:13:55,805
He's just a boy.
378
00:13:55,884 --> 00:13:57,607
He doesn't need pow-pow calves.
379
00:13:57,710 --> 00:13:59,543
But he does need to find his own way,
380
00:13:59,611 --> 00:14:01,812
and you have to let him
see where this leads.
381
00:14:01,914 --> 00:14:03,246
What if I can't?
382
00:14:03,349 --> 00:14:04,581
You have to.
383
00:14:15,194 --> 00:14:16,827
[Deep voice] Evan.
384
00:14:19,131 --> 00:14:19,930
God?
385
00:14:20,032 --> 00:14:22,666
Yes, Evan. It's me... God.
386
00:14:22,735 --> 00:14:24,868
I have a special message for you.
387
00:14:24,970 --> 00:14:26,803
Don't go to church anymore.
388
00:14:26,905 --> 00:14:28,071
What?!
389
00:14:28,173 --> 00:14:31,675
There's too many people already.
It's just too much.
390
00:14:31,777 --> 00:14:35,245
Go to Costco with Mommy instead.
391
00:14:35,347 --> 00:14:36,947
[Gasps] Mommy!
392
00:14:37,049 --> 00:14:39,916
I was just getting some applesauce.
393
00:14:40,019 --> 00:14:41,418
Jessica!
394
00:14:41,520 --> 00:14:43,620
I'm disappointed in your betrayal.
395
00:14:43,722 --> 00:14:44,788
But I forgive you.
396
00:14:44,890 --> 00:14:46,757
That's what Jesus would do.
397
00:14:49,103 --> 00:14:50,469
And, please, wipe off the microphone
398
00:14:50,571 --> 00:14:51,770
when you're finished with it.
399
00:14:51,872 --> 00:14:53,705
It's for both of us.
400
00:14:59,177 --> 00:15:00,176
[Crunching]
401
00:15:00,278 --> 00:15:01,733
I'm going to church, brothers.
402
00:15:01,800 --> 00:15:03,876
By the way,
if you hear the voice of God,
403
00:15:03,942 --> 00:15:04,710
it's just Mom.
404
00:15:04,789 --> 00:15:06,680
_
405
00:15:06,773 --> 00:15:08,598
_
406
00:15:09,255 --> 00:15:10,788
Evan, take this loaf with you!
407
00:15:10,890 --> 00:15:12,456
Maybe the homeless will want it!
408
00:15:12,558 --> 00:15:14,191
[Sighs]
409
00:15:14,293 --> 00:15:16,560
I'm washing down bites like pills.
410
00:15:17,029 --> 00:15:18,996
You faked being God?
411
00:15:19,031 --> 00:15:21,198
I mean, I know I say I'm
a god on the dance floor,
412
00:15:21,300 --> 00:15:23,167
but never in front of the children.
413
00:15:23,235 --> 00:15:24,501
I didn't know what else to do!
414
00:15:24,570 --> 00:15:26,570
I thought if I could just
get him back to Costco...
415
00:15:26,639 --> 00:15:27,704
Eddie: Aah!
416
00:15:29,909 --> 00:15:32,142
I fink I chipped my toof.
417
00:15:40,019 --> 00:15:42,052
I'm sorry. I just can't recommend it.
418
00:15:42,088 --> 00:15:43,720
[Sighs] Oh, come on, Ted.
419
00:15:44,192 --> 00:15:45,555
[Louis clears throat]
420
00:15:46,792 --> 00:15:47,858
Marvin: Louis.
421
00:15:47,927 --> 00:15:49,693
Well, do you have an appointment?
422
00:15:49,728 --> 00:15:52,863
Uh... look, I know things
were awkward the other night.
423
00:15:52,965 --> 00:15:54,965
Eddie! Kiddo, what happened?
424
00:15:55,067 --> 00:15:56,266
B.A.C.T.
425
00:15:56,368 --> 00:15:58,635
Oh, is that an acronym for
a Rice Krispie-style treat
426
00:15:58,704 --> 00:15:59,803
you tried to make out of the duds
427
00:15:59,872 --> 00:16:01,071
of a variety pack?
428
00:16:01,907 --> 00:16:03,907
I'm a dentist. I've seen everything.
429
00:16:03,976 --> 00:16:06,577
Well, hop up in the chair,
and let's bib you up.
430
00:16:06,645 --> 00:16:08,946
I'll take a gold cap like Big
Daddy Kane, if you got it.
431
00:16:09,048 --> 00:16:10,842
No. Just a normal cap.
432
00:16:11,081 --> 00:16:13,217
I'm sorry I blew up at the restaurant.
433
00:16:13,319 --> 00:16:14,518
No, I'm sorry.
434
00:16:14,587 --> 00:16:15,786
It was presumptuous of me to assume
435
00:16:15,888 --> 00:16:17,988
that you wanted to
look so damn fantastic.
436
00:16:18,090 --> 00:16:18,722
[Chuckles]
437
00:16:18,791 --> 00:16:19,957
You were never a seven.
438
00:16:20,025 --> 00:16:22,493
You were always a nine.
439
00:16:22,561 --> 00:16:24,194
Mm-hmm.
440
00:16:25,464 --> 00:16:26,964
[Sighs] Oh.
441
00:16:27,032 --> 00:16:27,731
Um...
442
00:16:27,833 --> 00:16:28,999
Just so we're clear,
443
00:16:29,068 --> 00:16:31,235
I'm going to pay full price
for Eddie's dental work.
444
00:16:31,303 --> 00:16:33,370
I think it's better that way,
for our friendship.
445
00:16:33,472 --> 00:16:34,538
Agreed.
446
00:16:34,640 --> 00:16:36,273
And I'll pay full price
at your restaurant.
447
00:16:36,308 --> 00:16:37,908
Well, I'm glad we worked this out.
448
00:16:38,010 --> 00:16:38,976
Yeah.
449
00:16:39,078 --> 00:16:40,077
Oh.
450
00:16:40,146 --> 00:16:41,778
Oh.
451
00:16:41,881 --> 00:16:43,013
[Both chuckle]
452
00:16:43,115 --> 00:16:44,047
Oh, and don't worry.
453
00:16:44,083 --> 00:16:45,516
That whitening agent that I use
454
00:16:45,651 --> 00:16:47,117
only lasts four to six weeks. [Sighs]
455
00:16:47,186 --> 00:16:48,752
Which is why I cannot recommend it.
456
00:16:48,854 --> 00:16:49,953
We get it, Ted!
457
00:16:50,055 --> 00:16:51,355
Okay?
458
00:16:51,570 --> 00:16:53,092
We get it!
459
00:16:55,661 --> 00:16:57,995
Hey, Jessica. Special today...
460
00:16:58,097 --> 00:16:59,596
Ritz-os.
461
00:16:59,698 --> 00:17:01,965
Who needs tortilla chips to make nachos?
462
00:17:04,603 --> 00:17:06,603
Oh, no. I can make it less spicy.
463
00:17:06,672 --> 00:17:08,672
Can I talk to you about something?
464
00:17:08,741 --> 00:17:09,806
Oh, sure.
465
00:17:09,909 --> 00:17:11,642
I just need to make some more samples,
466
00:17:11,744 --> 00:17:13,143
so how about I get the crackers,
467
00:17:13,212 --> 00:17:14,144
you get the salsa.
468
00:17:14,213 --> 00:17:15,212
We'll chat in the aisle.
469
00:17:22,588 --> 00:17:24,021
So, how can I help?
470
00:17:24,123 --> 00:17:25,589
You were right.
471
00:17:25,658 --> 00:17:27,391
I have lost Evan...
472
00:17:28,327 --> 00:17:29,459
to church.
473
00:17:29,528 --> 00:17:31,495
We used to spend every Sunday together,
474
00:17:31,564 --> 00:17:34,698
and now he goes there
instead of here with me.
475
00:17:35,195 --> 00:17:36,567
Oh, I see.
476
00:17:36,635 --> 00:17:38,368
And why does this upset you so?
477
00:17:38,437 --> 00:17:40,737
[Sighing] I don't know.
478
00:17:41,259 --> 00:17:44,608
I'm afraid I'm losing my baby
to something I don't understand.
479
00:17:45,267 --> 00:17:47,444
Well, you know,
the first rule of sampling is,
480
00:17:47,513 --> 00:17:49,646
always ask the customer what it is
481
00:17:49,748 --> 00:17:51,281
they like about the sample.
482
00:17:51,350 --> 00:17:53,584
Shouldn't the first rule be hygiene?
483
00:17:53,619 --> 00:17:56,420
Have you asked Evan what
he likes about church?
484
00:17:56,522 --> 00:18:00,457
Yes, he says it's fun,
everybody knows everybody,
485
00:18:00,559 --> 00:18:03,093
they talk about values,
and they have good snacks.
486
00:18:03,162 --> 00:18:06,029
Sounds like a place
we both know and love.
487
00:18:06,098 --> 00:18:06,930
What place?
488
00:18:06,999 --> 00:18:08,732
Look around you.
489
00:18:10,035 --> 00:18:11,768
[Organ plays]
490
00:18:11,837 --> 00:18:13,503
The community.
491
00:18:13,606 --> 00:18:15,351
The values.
492
00:18:15,908 --> 00:18:18,342
The sense of calm I get
just walking in the door.
493
00:18:18,444 --> 00:18:21,511
Church is Evan's Costco!
494
00:18:24,316 --> 00:18:25,415
Excuse me, sir.
495
00:18:25,484 --> 00:18:27,251
Are you Greg?
496
00:18:27,353 --> 00:18:29,086
[Organ stops] Your wife sent me.
497
00:18:29,121 --> 00:18:30,887
You're supposed to be getting
chicken nuggets and milk.
498
00:18:34,197 --> 00:18:35,559
[Sighs]
499
00:18:35,661 --> 00:18:37,227
[Bells tolling]
500
00:18:41,100 --> 00:18:41,932
Mommy!
501
00:18:42,034 --> 00:18:42,666
[Sighs]
502
00:18:42,735 --> 00:18:44,434
This is your bulk deals,
503
00:18:44,536 --> 00:18:46,336
and if that's what you want,
you can have it.
504
00:18:46,405 --> 00:18:49,573
I mean, I wish that bulk
deals were your bulk deals,
505
00:18:49,642 --> 00:18:50,474
but whatever.
506
00:18:50,576 --> 00:18:51,608
You're young. You have time.
507
00:18:51,710 --> 00:18:52,542
Eternity.
508
00:18:52,611 --> 00:18:54,011
Sure.
509
00:18:54,079 --> 00:18:56,046
For now,
the only thing that matters to me
510
00:18:56,115 --> 00:18:58,015
is that we get to
spend Sundays together.
511
00:18:58,083 --> 00:19:00,083
So, you'll come to church with me?
512
00:19:00,152 --> 00:19:02,519
I will come to outside church with you,
513
00:19:02,554 --> 00:19:03,887
and then you can go in.
514
00:19:03,956 --> 00:19:05,489
I'm good out here.
515
00:19:05,557 --> 00:19:07,391
But I'll wait for you.
516
00:19:07,459 --> 00:19:09,826
And then you can tell me all about it.
517
00:19:09,928 --> 00:19:12,362
Today, we learned about this man Jonah
518
00:19:12,431 --> 00:19:14,831
who lived in the belly of a
whale for three whole days.
519
00:19:14,933 --> 00:19:15,966
Impossible.
520
00:19:16,068 --> 00:19:17,868
- What was that?
- Nothing. Go on.
521
00:19:17,970 --> 00:19:19,269
Oh, and get this.
522
00:19:19,305 --> 00:19:21,438
They have something
called Sunday School here.
523
00:19:21,540 --> 00:19:24,274
It's school on Sundays!
524
00:19:24,343 --> 00:19:26,043
No kidding?!
525
00:19:26,111 --> 00:19:27,444
Ah!
526
00:19:32,572 --> 00:19:35,085
Evan,
you ready for me to drive you to church?
527
00:19:35,154 --> 00:19:36,787
I thought I'd come to Costco today.
528
00:19:36,855 --> 00:19:40,857
They just got in the off-model
Kenneth Cole kids' blazers.
529
00:19:40,959 --> 00:19:41,992
Is that okay?
530
00:19:42,061 --> 00:19:45,162
Oh, y-yeah. Of course it is.
531
00:19:45,230 --> 00:19:48,098
Great,
and I can go to church next Sunday.
532
00:19:49,301 --> 00:19:50,934
[Softly] We'll see.
533
00:19:51,036 --> 00:19:52,402
Eddie, I'll pick you up some porridge
534
00:19:52,438 --> 00:19:53,704
since you could only eat soft food.
535
00:19:53,772 --> 00:19:55,305
Does that mean I don't
have to finish this?
536
00:19:55,374 --> 00:19:56,540
Of course you don't.
537
00:19:56,642 --> 00:19:59,009
And I don't expect Emery to
have to finish it by himself.
538
00:20:01,013 --> 00:20:02,746
I'll boil it and make a stock.
539
00:20:02,848 --> 00:20:04,081
[Both sigh]
540
00:20:06,652 --> 00:20:08,018
Okay.
541
00:20:08,120 --> 00:20:10,220
Let's go get you that blazer.
542
00:20:10,322 --> 00:20:13,323
My right arm is slightly
longer than my left.
543
00:20:13,425 --> 00:20:15,759
It's like God made my
body for factory mistakes.
544
00:20:15,861 --> 00:20:18,295
Or maybe I've just always
held your right hand
545
00:20:18,397 --> 00:20:20,931
with just enough tension to stretch it.
546
00:20:21,561 --> 00:20:23,734
God's got nothing on Mommy.
547
00:20:30,388 --> 00:20:32,095
Okay. You're up.
548
00:20:33,682 --> 00:20:36,182
I weigh more than the rice. I'm growing!
549
00:20:37,226 --> 00:20:39,226
You think you're ready for
the keg of mayonnaise yet?
550
00:20:39,820 --> 00:20:42,196
Someday, but not today.
551
00:20:42,265 --> 00:20:45,566
Okay, now let's try it
with this carpet steamer.
552
00:20:45,668 --> 00:20:47,534
If I weigh less, we get Pop-Tarts.
553
00:20:47,637 --> 00:20:50,537
If I weigh more,
we never speak of it again.
554
00:20:57,302 --> 00:20:59,948
sync and corrected by ninh
www.addic7ed.com