1
00:00:03,036 --> 00:00:05,402
AND NOW FOR SOMETHING
COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.
2
00:00:06,706 --> 00:00:08,401
IT'S...
3
00:00:08,441 --> 00:00:28,727
(Sousa's "Liberty Bell March"
playing)
4
00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:34,000
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll
5
00:00:38,772 --> 00:00:40,399
(music ends with squish)
6
00:00:43,076 --> 00:00:44,509
HELLO.
7
00:00:44,544 --> 00:00:47,138
TONIGHT ON FACE THE PRESS,
WE'RE GOING TO EXAMINE
8
00:00:47,180 --> 00:00:49,478
TWO DIFFERENT VIEWS
OF CONTEMPORARY THINGS.
9
00:00:49,516 --> 00:00:51,916
ON MY LEFT IS THE MINISTER
FOR HOME AFFAIRS
10
00:00:51,951 --> 00:00:55,819
WHO IS WEARING A STRIKING
ORGANZA DRESS IN PINK TULLE
11
00:00:55,855 --> 00:00:59,791
WITH MATCHING PEARLS AND A
DIAMANTE COLLAR NECKLACE.
12
00:00:59,826 --> 00:01:03,262
THE SHOES ARE IN BRUSHED
PIGSKIN WITH GOLD CLASPS
13
00:01:03,296 --> 00:01:05,025
BY MAXWELL
OF BOND STREET.
14
00:01:05,065 --> 00:01:08,034
THE HAIR IS BY ROGER,
AND THE WHOLE ENSEMBLE
15
00:01:08,068 --> 00:01:12,061
IS CROWNED BY A SPECTACULAR
DISPLAY OF CHRISTMAS ORCHIDS.
16
00:01:12,105 --> 00:01:13,231
AND ON MY RIGHT
17
00:01:13,273 --> 00:01:15,639
PUTTING THE CASE
AGAINST THE GOVERNMENT
18
00:01:15,675 --> 00:01:17,700
IS A SMALL PATCH
OF BROWN LIQUID.
19
00:01:17,744 --> 00:01:19,905
(audience laughter)
20
00:01:19,946 --> 00:01:21,174
WHICH COULD
BE CREOSOTE
21
00:01:21,214 --> 00:01:22,545
OR SOME EXTRACT
22
00:01:22,582 --> 00:01:24,277
USED IN INDUSTRIAL
VARNISHING.
23
00:01:24,317 --> 00:01:25,284
GOOD EVENING.
24
00:01:25,318 --> 00:01:26,649
(laughter)
25
00:01:26,686 --> 00:01:29,655
MINISTER, MAY I PUT
THE FIRST QUESTION TO YOU?
26
00:01:29,689 --> 00:01:32,157
IN YOUR PLAN
"A BETTER BRITAIN FOR US"
27
00:01:32,192 --> 00:01:34,319
YOU CLAIMED THAT YOU WOULD BUILD
28
00:01:34,360 --> 00:01:36,920
88,000 MILLION BILLION
HOUSES A YEAR
29
00:01:36,963 --> 00:01:38,362
IN THE GREATER LONDON
AREA ALONE.
30
00:01:38,398 --> 00:01:41,492
IN FACT, YOU'VE BUILT
ONLY THREE IN THE LAST 15 YEARS.
31
00:01:41,534 --> 00:01:43,297
ARE YOU A BIT DISAPPOINTED
32
00:01:43,336 --> 00:01:44,496
WITH THIS RESULT?
33
00:01:44,537 --> 00:01:45,902
NO, NO.
34
00:01:45,939 --> 00:01:48,840
I'D LIKE TO ANSWER THIS
QUESTION, IF I MAY, IN TWO WAYS:
35
00:01:48,875 --> 00:01:50,240
FIRSTLY IN MY NORMAL VOICE
36
00:01:50,276 --> 00:01:52,710
AND THEN IN A KIND
OF SILLY HIGH-PITCHED WHINE.
37
00:01:52,745 --> 00:01:54,770
YOU SEE, HOUSING IS
A PROBLEM REALLY...
38
00:01:54,814 --> 00:01:57,476
WELL, WHILE THE MINISTER
IS ANSWERING THIS QUESTION
39
00:01:57,517 --> 00:01:58,882
I'D JUST LIKE TO POINT OUT
40
00:01:58,918 --> 00:02:01,614
THE MINISTER'S DRESS
HAS BEEN MADE ENTIRELY BY HAND
41
00:02:01,654 --> 00:02:04,487
FROM OVER 300 PIECES
OF ARABIAN SHOT SILK...
42
00:02:04,524 --> 00:02:06,151
(minister whining
shrilly)
43
00:02:06,192 --> 00:02:09,218
ESPECIALLY CREATED FOR THE
MINISTER BY VARGAR'S OF PARIS.
44
00:02:09,262 --> 00:02:11,730
THE LOW SLIM-LINE HAS BEEN CUT
OFF THE SHOULDER
45
00:02:11,764 --> 00:02:14,995
TO HEIGHTEN THE EFFECT OF THE
MINISTER'S FINE BONE STRUCTURE.
46
00:02:15,034 --> 00:02:18,026
I THINK THE MINISTER IS COMING
TO THE END OF HIS ANSWER NOW
47
00:02:18,071 --> 00:02:20,301
SO LET'S GO BACK OVER
AND JOIN THE DISCUSSION.
48
00:02:20,340 --> 00:02:22,308
THANK YOU
VERY MUCH, MINISTER.
49
00:02:22,342 --> 00:02:25,038
TODAY SAW THE APPOINTMENT
OF A NEW HEAD OF...
50
00:02:25,078 --> 00:02:26,306
DON'T I SAY
ANY MORE?
51
00:02:26,346 --> 00:02:27,540
NO FEAR.
52
00:02:27,580 --> 00:02:29,104
TODAY SAW THE APPOINTMENT
53
00:02:29,149 --> 00:02:31,447
OF A NEW HEAD
OF ALLIED BOMBER COMMAND
54
00:02:31,484 --> 00:02:34,920
AIR CHIEF MARSHALL SIR VINCENT
"KILL THE JAPS" FORSTER.
55
00:02:35,021 --> 00:02:36,921
HE'S IN OUR BIRMINGHAM STUDIO.
56
00:02:36,990 --> 00:02:38,218
Hello, sailors!
57
00:02:38,258 --> 00:02:39,885
Listen, guess what.
58
00:02:39,926 --> 00:02:43,521
The Ministerette of Aviation
has made me...
59
00:02:43,563 --> 00:02:45,087
(doorbell rings)
60
00:02:45,131 --> 00:02:47,725
Head of the R.A.F. Ola Pola...
61
00:02:50,170 --> 00:02:51,660
HELLO... MRS. ROGERS?
62
00:02:51,704 --> 00:02:53,228
(in falsetto):
NO...
63
00:02:53,273 --> 00:02:55,639
OH, I MUST BE
IN THE WRONG HOUSE.
64
00:02:55,675 --> 00:02:57,404
(laughter)
65
00:02:57,443 --> 00:02:58,910
OOH...
66
00:03:12,025 --> 00:03:14,323
(laughter)
67
00:03:29,842 --> 00:03:32,709
So from now on,
we're going to do things my way.
68
00:03:32,745 --> 00:03:36,306
For a start, David Hockney
is going to design the bombs...
69
00:03:36,349 --> 00:03:38,340
(doorbell rings)
70
00:03:38,384 --> 00:03:40,375
THAT MUST BE
THE NEW GAS COOKER.
71
00:03:40,420 --> 00:03:47,326
(thunderous epic music plays)
72
00:03:47,360 --> 00:03:48,793
(music stops abruptly)
73
00:03:48,828 --> 00:03:49,852
MORNING.
74
00:03:49,896 --> 00:03:50,726
MRS. G. CRUMP?
75
00:03:50,763 --> 00:03:53,231
NO, MRS. G. PINNET.
76
00:03:53,266 --> 00:03:54,927
THIS IS 46
EGERNON CRESCENT?
77
00:03:55,001 --> 00:03:57,595
NO, ROAD,
EGERNON ROAD.
78
00:03:57,637 --> 00:03:59,229
ROAD, YES,
SAYS HERE, YEAH.
79
00:03:59,272 --> 00:04:02,105
RIGHT, COULD I SPEAK TO MRS.
G. CRUMP, PLEASE?
80
00:04:02,141 --> 00:04:04,371
OH, THERE'S NOBODY
HERE OF THAT NAME.
81
00:04:04,410 --> 00:04:06,742
IT'S MRS. G. PINNET,
46 EGERNON ROAD.
82
00:04:06,779 --> 00:04:08,337
IT SAYS "CRUMP" HERE,
DON'T IT, HARRY?
83
00:04:08,381 --> 00:04:09,109
IT'S ON THE INVOICE.
84
00:04:09,148 --> 00:04:10,206
DEFINITELY "CRUMP."
85
00:04:10,250 --> 00:04:11,649
THERE MUST HAVE BEEN A MISTAKE
86
00:04:11,684 --> 00:04:12,981
BECAUSE THE ADDRESS IS RIGHT
87
00:04:13,019 --> 00:04:14,646
AND THAT'S DEFINITELY
THE COOKER I ORDERED...
88
00:04:14,687 --> 00:04:15,676
A BLUE AND WHITE COOKEASI.
89
00:04:15,722 --> 00:04:16,711
WELL, YOU
CAN'T HAVE THIS.
90
00:04:16,756 --> 00:04:17,745
THIS IS CRUMP.
91
00:04:17,790 --> 00:04:18,757
WHAT ARE WE
GOING TO DO?
92
00:04:18,791 --> 00:04:19,723
WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
93
00:04:19,759 --> 00:04:21,351
WE CAN TAKE IT BACK
94
00:04:21,394 --> 00:04:23,225
GET A TRANSFER SLIP
FROM CRUMP TO PINNET
95
00:04:23,263 --> 00:04:24,821
AND PUT IT ON
A SPECIAL DELIVERY.
96
00:04:24,864 --> 00:04:26,422
THAT'S BEST...
WE'LL SPECIAL IT FOR YOU.
97
00:04:26,466 --> 00:04:27,694
WE'LL GET IT
DOWN THERE TODAY.
98
00:04:27,734 --> 00:04:29,031
YOU'LL GET IT BACK
IN TEN WEEKS.
99
00:04:29,068 --> 00:04:30,535
TEN WEEKS?!
100
00:04:30,570 --> 00:04:32,265
CAN'T YOU JUST LEAVE THIS ONE?
101
00:04:32,305 --> 00:04:33,294
WHAT, THIS?
102
00:04:33,339 --> 00:04:34,397
WHAT, LEAVE IT HERE?
103
00:04:34,440 --> 00:04:34,997
YES.
104
00:04:35,041 --> 00:04:35,769
WELL, I DUNNO.
105
00:04:35,808 --> 00:04:36,866
I SUPPOSE WE COULD.
106
00:04:36,909 --> 00:04:38,536
OH, BUT SHE'D
HAVE TO FILL OUT
107
00:04:38,578 --> 00:04:39,909
A TEMPORARY
DISPATCH NOTE.
108
00:04:40,013 --> 00:04:41,071
YEAH, WE COULD
LEAVE IT
109
00:04:41,114 --> 00:04:42,206
ON A TEMPORARY
DISPATCH NOTE.
110
00:04:42,248 --> 00:04:43,442
THAT'S SORTED OUT, THEN.
111
00:04:43,483 --> 00:04:44,541
WHAT A MESS, ISN'T IT?
112
00:04:44,584 --> 00:04:45,676
I KNOW IT'S
RIDICULOUS, REALLY
113
00:04:45,718 --> 00:04:46,685
BUT THERE YOU ARE.
114
00:04:46,719 --> 00:04:48,243
GLAD WE COULD BE
OF SUCH A HELP.
115
00:04:48,288 --> 00:04:49,915
SIGN IT DOWN THERE,
PLEASE, MRS. CRUMP.
116
00:04:50,023 --> 00:04:51,183
PINNET.
117
00:04:51,224 --> 00:04:52,589
LISTEN, JUST
FOR THE BOOKS...
118
00:04:52,625 --> 00:04:53,751
MAKE IT A BIT EASIER...
119
00:04:53,793 --> 00:04:55,454
COULD YOU SIGN IT
"CRUMP-PINNET"?
120
00:04:55,495 --> 00:04:56,723
RIGHT.
121
00:04:56,763 --> 00:04:58,594
RIGHT, THANK YOU
VERY MUCH, DEAR.
122
00:04:58,631 --> 00:04:59,723
THE COOKER'S YOURS.
123
00:04:59,766 --> 00:05:00,733
YEAH, HERE WE GO.
124
00:05:00,767 --> 00:05:01,756
RIGHT.
125
00:05:01,801 --> 00:05:03,166
SORRY ABOUT
THE BOTHER
126
00:05:03,202 --> 00:05:05,568
BUT THERE YOU ARE,
YOU KNOW, CHEERIO!
127
00:05:05,605 --> 00:05:06,867
CHEERIO,
MRS. CRUMP!
128
00:05:06,973 --> 00:05:08,167
HEY, EXCUSE ME.
129
00:05:08,207 --> 00:05:09,572
COOEY!
130
00:05:09,609 --> 00:05:11,702
UH, CAN YOU PUT IT
IN THE KITCHEN?
131
00:05:11,744 --> 00:05:12,642
YOU WHAT?
132
00:05:12,679 --> 00:05:13,839
WELL, I CAN'T
COOK ON IT
133
00:05:13,880 --> 00:05:14,812
UNLESS IT'S
CONNECTED UP.
134
00:05:14,847 --> 00:05:15,779
WE DIDN'T
REALIZE YOU HAD
135
00:05:15,815 --> 00:05:16,873
AN INSTALLATION INVOICE.
136
00:05:16,949 --> 00:05:18,075
AN M.I.
137
00:05:18,117 --> 00:05:19,550
NO, WE CAN'T TOUCH IT
WITHOUT AN M.I.
138
00:05:19,585 --> 00:05:20,483
OR AN R16.
139
00:05:20,520 --> 00:05:21,248
IF IT'S A SPECIAL.
140
00:05:21,287 --> 00:05:22,151
NO, IT'S NOT SPECIAL.
141
00:05:22,188 --> 00:05:22,882
THAT'S BACK
AT THE DEPOT.
142
00:05:22,989 --> 00:05:23,978
NO, THE SPECIAL'S
143
00:05:24,023 --> 00:05:25,786
THE SAME AS
INSTALLATION INVOICE.
144
00:05:25,825 --> 00:05:27,452
WHAT'S AN INSTALLATION INVOICE?
145
00:05:27,493 --> 00:05:28,824
A PINK FORM
FROM READING.
146
00:05:28,861 --> 00:05:30,522
OH, WE WONDERED
WHAT THAT WAS.
147
00:05:30,563 --> 00:05:31,860
NOW, THESE
ARE THE FORMS.
148
00:05:31,898 --> 00:05:32,990
THAT'S THE
ONE, LOVE.
149
00:05:33,032 --> 00:05:34,795
YEAH, THIS SHOULD
BE ALL I NEED.
150
00:05:34,834 --> 00:05:36,426
HANG ON, THIS
IS FOR PINNET...
151
00:05:36,469 --> 00:05:37,595
MRS. G. PINNET.
152
00:05:37,637 --> 00:05:38,899
THAT'S RIGHT,
I'M MRS. G. PINNET.
153
00:05:39,005 --> 00:05:40,905
WELL WE'VE GOT "CRUMP-
PINNET" ON THE INVOICE.
154
00:05:40,973 --> 00:05:42,736
WELL, SHALL I SIGN IT
"CRUMP-PINNET," THEN?
155
00:05:42,775 --> 00:05:44,003
NO, NO, NO,
NOT AN M.I., NO.
156
00:05:44,043 --> 00:05:46,102
NO, THAT'S FROM AREA
SERVICE AT READING.
157
00:05:46,145 --> 00:05:47,442
NO, CHELTENHAM,
ISN'T IT?
158
00:05:47,480 --> 00:05:49,209
NO, NOT THIS SIDE
OF THE STREET.
159
00:05:49,248 --> 00:05:51,182
LOOK, I JUST WANT IT
CONNECTED UP.
160
00:05:51,217 --> 00:05:52,241
WHAT ABOUT
LONDON OFFICE?
161
00:05:52,285 --> 00:05:53,752
NO, THEY HAVEN'T
GOT THE MACHINERY.
162
00:05:53,786 --> 00:05:54,650
NOT NOW.
163
00:05:54,687 --> 00:05:55,779
WHAT, THE
HOUNSLOW DEPOT?
164
00:05:55,822 --> 00:05:57,449
NO, THEY'RE STILL
ON STANDARD PRESSURE.
165
00:05:57,490 --> 00:05:58,821
SAME WITH
TWICKENHAM.
166
00:05:58,858 --> 00:06:01,053
BUT SURELY THEY CAN CONNECT UP
A GAS COOKER.
167
00:06:01,094 --> 00:06:03,392
OH, YEAH, BUT NOT UNLESS
IT'S AN EMERGENCY.
168
00:06:03,429 --> 00:06:04,555
WELL, THIS IS AN EMERGENCY.
169
00:06:04,597 --> 00:06:05,791
IT'S NOT; AN
EMERGENCY IS 290...
170
00:06:05,832 --> 00:06:07,629
"WHERE THERE IS ACTUAL
OR APPARENT LOSS
171
00:06:07,667 --> 00:06:09,294
OF COMBUSTIBLE
GASEOUS SUBSTANCES."
172
00:06:09,335 --> 00:06:10,302
YEAH, IT'S
LIKE A LEAK.
173
00:06:10,336 --> 00:06:11,303
OR A 478.
174
00:06:11,337 --> 00:06:12,395
NO, THAT'S VALVE
ADJUSTMENT.
175
00:06:12,438 --> 00:06:13,769
Pinnet: BUT THERE
CAN'T BE A LEAK
176
00:06:13,806 --> 00:06:15,137
UNLESS YOU'VE
CONNECTED IT UP.
177
00:06:15,174 --> 00:06:16,004
NO, QUITE.
178
00:06:16,042 --> 00:06:17,031
WE'D HAVE
TO TURN IT ON.
179
00:06:17,076 --> 00:06:18,065
WELL, CAN'T YOU
TURN IT ON
180
00:06:18,111 --> 00:06:18,873
AND CONNECT
IT UP?
181
00:06:18,978 --> 00:06:20,411
NO, BUT WHAT
WE CAN DO...
182
00:06:20,446 --> 00:06:22,437
AND THIS IS
BETWEEN YOU AND ME;
183
00:06:22,482 --> 00:06:24,006
I SHOULDN'T REALLY
BE TELLING YOU THIS...
184
00:06:24,050 --> 00:06:24,880
WE'LL TURN
YOUR GAS ON
185
00:06:24,917 --> 00:06:25,815
MAKE A HOLE
IN YOUR PIPE
186
00:06:25,852 --> 00:06:26,978
YOU RING HOUNSLOW
EMERGENCY
187
00:06:27,019 --> 00:06:28,611
THEY'LL BE ROUND HERE
IN A COUPLE OF DAYS.
188
00:06:28,654 --> 00:06:29,621
WHAT, A HOUSE
FULL OF GAS?
189
00:06:29,655 --> 00:06:30,417
I'LL BE DEAD
BY THEN!
190
00:06:30,456 --> 00:06:32,890
OH, WELL, IN THAT CASE
191
00:06:32,959 --> 00:06:34,517
YOU'D HAVE THE
SOUTHEAST AREA MANAGER
192
00:06:34,560 --> 00:06:35,527
ROUND HERE
LIKE A SHOT.
193
00:06:35,561 --> 00:06:36,391
REALLY?
194
00:06:36,429 --> 00:06:37,487
AH, YES.
195
00:06:37,530 --> 00:06:38,997
"ONE OR MORE PERSONS
OVERCOME BY FUMES"
196
00:06:39,031 --> 00:06:40,760
YOU'D HAVE HEAD OFFICE,
HOLBORN, ROUND HERE.
197
00:06:40,800 --> 00:06:41,732
REALLY?
198
00:06:41,768 --> 00:06:43,167
YEAH, THAT'S
MURDER, YOU SEE.
199
00:06:43,202 --> 00:06:43,896
OR SUICIDE.
200
00:06:43,936 --> 00:06:45,062
NO,
THAT'S S42.
201
00:06:45,104 --> 00:06:46,128
OH.
202
00:06:46,172 --> 00:06:48,003
STILL?
I THOUGHT IT WAS HAINAULT.
203
00:06:48,040 --> 00:06:49,007
NO, CENTRAL AREA
204
00:06:49,041 --> 00:06:50,736
AND SOUTHALL
MARKETING DIVISION...
205
00:06:50,777 --> 00:06:52,244
THEY'RE BOTH
ON THE S42 NOW.
206
00:06:52,278 --> 00:06:53,802
AND THEY'D BE ABLE
TO CONNECT IT UP?
207
00:06:53,846 --> 00:06:55,370
OH, THEY'D DO THE LOT
FOR YOU, LOVE.
208
00:06:55,415 --> 00:06:57,007
AND THEY'D COME ROUND
THIS AFTERNOON?
209
00:06:57,049 --> 00:06:58,311
WELL, WHAT IS IT
NOW, 11:30?
210
00:06:58,351 --> 00:06:59,283
MURDER...
211
00:06:59,318 --> 00:07:00,683
THEY'LL BE
ROUND HERE BY 2:00.
212
00:07:00,720 --> 00:07:02,051
OH, WELL,
THAT'S WONDERFUL.
213
00:07:02,088 --> 00:07:04,318
OH, RIGHT, LOVE, IF YOU'D
LIKE TO LIE DOWN HERE.
214
00:07:04,357 --> 00:07:05,324
ALL RIGHT.
215
00:07:05,358 --> 00:07:06,325
OKAY, HARRY!
216
00:07:06,359 --> 00:07:07,383
Harry:
OKAY, GAS ON.
217
00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:08,826
RIGHT, DEEP
BREATHS, LOVE.
218
00:07:08,861 --> 00:07:10,795
RING HEAD OFFICE,
WOULD YOU, NORMAN?
219
00:07:10,830 --> 00:07:12,457
SHALL I GO THROUGH MAINTENANCE?
220
00:07:12,498 --> 00:07:15,126
NO, YOU'D BETTER GO THROUGH
DEPTFORD MAINTENANCE.
221
00:07:15,168 --> 00:07:16,226
PECKHAM'S ON A 207.
222
00:07:16,269 --> 00:07:17,531
(all muttering)
223
00:07:19,372 --> 00:07:21,169
THAT'S LEWISHAM,
ISN'T IT...
224
00:07:21,207 --> 00:07:23,175
(grumbling)
225
00:07:23,209 --> 00:07:24,506
WHAT ABOUT TOTTENHAM?
226
00:07:24,544 --> 00:07:26,102
(muttering)
227
00:07:26,145 --> 00:07:27,407
NO, THAT'D BE A 5-4.
228
00:07:27,447 --> 00:07:29,039
(muttering)
229
00:07:29,081 --> 00:07:31,015
WHAT ABOUT
LEWISHAM?
230
00:07:31,050 --> 00:07:33,314
IT'S CENTRAL, ISN'T IT?
231
00:07:33,352 --> 00:07:34,979
YES, OR RUISLIP.
232
00:07:35,021 --> 00:07:37,319
(audience laughter)
233
00:07:43,763 --> 00:07:45,162
(whirring)
234
00:07:54,307 --> 00:07:56,070
(whirring slows and stops)
235
00:08:03,182 --> 00:08:06,913
(humming tune)
236
00:08:10,590 --> 00:08:12,490
(laughter)
237
00:08:15,461 --> 00:08:16,985
(laughter)
238
00:08:48,194 --> 00:08:48,888
GOOD MORNING.
239
00:08:48,928 --> 00:08:49,895
GOOD MORNING, SIR.
240
00:08:49,962 --> 00:08:50,792
CAN I HELP YOU?
241
00:08:50,830 --> 00:08:51,762
HELP ME?
242
00:08:51,797 --> 00:08:53,492
YEAH, I'LL SAY
YOU CAN HELP ME.
243
00:08:53,533 --> 00:08:54,500
YES, SIR?
244
00:08:54,534 --> 00:08:56,297
I COME ABOUT YOUR ADVERT
245
00:08:56,335 --> 00:08:58,496
"SMALL WHITE PUSSY CAT FOR SALE.
246
00:08:58,538 --> 00:09:00,529
EXCELLENT CONDITION."
247
00:09:00,573 --> 00:09:01,699
AH, YOU WISH TO BUY IT?
248
00:09:01,741 --> 00:09:03,208
THAT'S RIGHT...
JUST FOR THE HOUR.
249
00:09:03,242 --> 00:09:04,971
ONLY I AIN'T GONNA PAY
MORE'N A FIVER
250
00:09:05,011 --> 00:09:06,308
'CAUSE IT AIN'T WORTH IT.
251
00:09:06,345 --> 00:09:07,778
IT'S COME FROM
A VERY GOOD HOME.
252
00:09:07,813 --> 00:09:08,939
IT'S HOUSE TRAINED.
253
00:09:13,386 --> 00:09:15,149
"CHEST OF DRAWERS..."
254
00:09:15,187 --> 00:09:16,654
CHEST... DRAWERS.
255
00:09:16,689 --> 00:09:18,179
(laughter)
256
00:09:18,224 --> 00:09:20,215
I'D LIKE SOME
CHEST OF DRAWERS, PLEASE.
257
00:09:20,259 --> 00:09:21,351
YES, SIR.
258
00:09:21,394 --> 00:09:22,326
DOES IT GO?
259
00:09:22,361 --> 00:09:23,555
IT'S OVER THERE
IN THE CORNER.
260
00:09:29,001 --> 00:09:31,936
"PRAM FOR SALE... ANY OFFERS."
261
00:09:34,240 --> 00:09:36,003
I'D LIKE A BIT OF PRAM, PLEASE.
262
00:09:36,042 --> 00:09:37,134
AH, YES, SIR.
263
00:09:37,176 --> 00:09:38,507
THAT'S IN GOOD CONDITION.
264
00:09:38,544 --> 00:09:40,774
OH, GOOD... I LIKE THEM
IN GOOD CONDITION, EH?
265
00:09:40,813 --> 00:09:42,337
HERE IT IS, YOU SEE.
266
00:09:43,482 --> 00:09:46,280
(laughter)
267
00:09:46,319 --> 00:09:47,308
"BABY-SITTER."
268
00:09:47,353 --> 00:09:48,479
NO, IT'S A BABY-SITTER.
269
00:09:48,521 --> 00:09:49,647
BABY-SITTER?
270
00:09:49,689 --> 00:09:50,713
BABY-SITTER.
271
00:09:50,756 --> 00:09:51,882
BABY-SITTER...
272
00:09:51,958 --> 00:09:53,152
I DON'T WANT A BABY-SITTER.
273
00:09:53,192 --> 00:09:55,854
"BE A BLOOD DONOR," THAT'S IT.
274
00:09:55,895 --> 00:09:58,693
I'D LIKE TO GIVE
SOME BLOOD, PLEASE... WHAA!
275
00:09:58,731 --> 00:10:00,528
(laughter)
276
00:10:00,566 --> 00:10:02,557
OH, SPIT,
WHICH ONE IS IT?
277
00:10:04,704 --> 00:10:07,468
"BLONDE PROSTITUTE WILL INDULGE
IN ANY SEXUAL ACTIVITY
278
00:10:07,506 --> 00:10:09,098
FOR FOUR QUID
A WEEK."
279
00:10:09,141 --> 00:10:10,768
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
280
00:10:10,810 --> 00:10:12,141
(laughter)
281
00:10:13,779 --> 00:10:15,303
TIMES, PLEASE.
282
00:10:15,348 --> 00:10:17,009
OH, YES, SIR,
HERE YOU ARE.
283
00:10:17,049 --> 00:10:18,243
THANK YOU. CHEERS.
284
00:10:18,284 --> 00:10:21,651
(laughter)
285
00:10:58,824 --> 00:11:01,918
(great laughter)
286
00:11:22,448 --> 00:11:23,779
(door opens)
287
00:11:23,816 --> 00:11:25,283
GOOD MORNING.
288
00:11:25,317 --> 00:11:27,342
I'M SORRY
TO HAVE KEPT YOU WAITING
289
00:11:27,386 --> 00:11:28,614
BUT I'M AFRAID MY...
290
00:11:28,654 --> 00:11:31,248
MY WALK HAS BECOME
RATHER SILLIER RECENTLY
291
00:11:31,290 --> 00:11:34,225
AND SO IT TAKES ME
RATHER LONGER TO GET TO WORK.
292
00:11:34,260 --> 00:11:36,285
NOW THEN,
WHAT WAS IT AGAIN?
293
00:11:36,328 --> 00:11:38,262
WELL, SIR,
I HAVE A SILLY WALK
294
00:11:38,297 --> 00:11:41,027
AND I'D LIKE TO OBTAIN
A GOVERNMENT GRANT
295
00:11:41,067 --> 00:11:42,625
TO HELP ME DEVELOP IT.
296
00:11:42,668 --> 00:11:43,692
I SEE.
297
00:11:43,736 --> 00:11:45,101
MAY I SEE YOUR SILLY WALK?
298
00:11:45,137 --> 00:11:46,627
YES, CERTAINLY, YES.
299
00:11:52,478 --> 00:11:56,278
(light laughter)
300
00:12:06,158 --> 00:12:07,420
THAT'S IT, IS IT?
301
00:12:07,460 --> 00:12:09,291
YES, THAT'S IT, YES.
302
00:12:09,328 --> 00:12:12,559
MM-HMM, IT'S NOT
PARTICULARLY SILLY, IS IT?
303
00:12:12,598 --> 00:12:14,259
I MEAN, THE RIGHT LEG
ISN'T SILLY AT ALL
304
00:12:14,300 --> 00:12:16,632
AND THE LEFT LEG MERELY DOES
A FORWARD AERIAL HALF TURN
305
00:12:16,669 --> 00:12:18,034
EVERY ALTERNATE STEP.
306
00:12:18,070 --> 00:12:19,560
YES, BUT WITH GOVERNMENT BACKING
307
00:12:19,605 --> 00:12:20,867
I COULD MAKE IT VERY SILLY.
308
00:12:20,906 --> 00:12:24,273
MR. PUDEY, THE VERY REAL
PROBLEM IS ONE OF MONEY.
309
00:12:24,310 --> 00:12:27,177
I'M AFRAID THAT THE
MINISTRY OF SILLY WALKS
310
00:12:27,213 --> 00:12:28,908
IS NO LONGER GETTING
311
00:12:28,948 --> 00:12:30,916
THE KIND OF
SUPPORT IT NEEDS.
312
00:12:30,950 --> 00:12:33,248
YOU SEE, THERE'S
DEFENSE, SOCIAL SECURITY
313
00:12:33,285 --> 00:12:35,753
HEALTH, HOUSING,
EDUCATION, SILLY WALKS...
314
00:12:35,788 --> 00:12:37,915
THEY'RE ALL SUPPOSED
TO GET THE SAME.
315
00:12:37,957 --> 00:12:39,618
BUT LAST YEAR,
THE GOVERNMENT
316
00:12:39,658 --> 00:12:42,058
SPENT LESS ON
THE MINISTRY OF SILLY WALKS
317
00:12:42,094 --> 00:12:45,689
THAN IT DID
ON NATIONAL DEFENSE.
318
00:12:45,731 --> 00:12:48,757
NOW, WE GET
£348 MILLION A YEAR
319
00:12:48,801 --> 00:12:51,736
WHICH IS SUPPOSED
TO BE SPENT
320
00:12:51,771 --> 00:12:54,831
ON ALL OUR
AVAILABLE PRODUCTS.
321
00:12:54,874 --> 00:12:55,772
UH, COFFEE?
322
00:12:55,808 --> 00:12:56,467
YES, PLEASE.
323
00:12:56,509 --> 00:12:57,908
UH, MRS. TWO-LUMPS
324
00:12:57,943 --> 00:12:59,774
WOULD YOU BRING US IN
TWO COFFEES, PLEASE?
325
00:12:59,812 --> 00:13:00,904
Yes, Mr. Teabag.
326
00:13:02,414 --> 00:13:03,312
OUT OF HER MIND.
327
00:13:03,349 --> 00:13:04,873
NOW, THE JAPANESE HAVE A MAN
328
00:13:04,917 --> 00:13:07,886
WHO CAN BEND HIS LEG BACK
OVER HIS HEAD AND BACK AGAIN
329
00:13:07,953 --> 00:13:10,717
WITH EVERY SINGLE STEP,
WHILE THE ISRAELIS...
330
00:13:10,756 --> 00:13:11,882
(knock at door)
331
00:13:11,957 --> 00:13:13,219
AH, HERE'S THE COFFEE.
332
00:13:14,794 --> 00:13:17,388
(laughter)
333
00:13:19,865 --> 00:13:21,230
THANK YOU... LOVELY.
334
00:13:26,639 --> 00:13:29,301
YOU'RE REALLY INTERESTED
IN SILLY WALKS, AREN'T YOU?
335
00:13:29,341 --> 00:13:30,501
OH, RATHER.
336
00:13:30,543 --> 00:13:32,204
WELL, TAKE A LOOK
AT THIS, THEN.
337
00:13:33,646 --> 00:13:39,278
(simple tune playing)
338
00:13:55,401 --> 00:13:57,699
(laughter)
339
00:14:06,579 --> 00:14:08,206
MR. PUDEY...
340
00:14:08,247 --> 00:14:09,305
(crashing)
341
00:14:09,348 --> 00:14:10,872
I'M NOT GOING
TO MINCE WORDS WITH YOU.
342
00:14:10,950 --> 00:14:12,781
I'M GOING TO OFFER YOU
A RESEARCH FELLOWSHIP
343
00:14:12,818 --> 00:14:14,285
ON THE ANGLO-FRENCH
SILLY WALK.
344
00:14:14,320 --> 00:14:15,981
LA MARCHE FUTILE?
345
00:14:16,021 --> 00:14:17,579
BONJOUR.
346
00:14:17,623 --> 00:14:20,421
(speaking sham French
very quickly)
347
00:14:20,459 --> 00:14:22,256
...COMME D'HABITUDE
348
00:14:22,294 --> 00:14:24,785
AU SUJET DU
"LE MARCHE COMIQUE."
349
00:14:24,830 --> 00:14:29,699
ET MAINTENANT, JE VOUS
PRESENTE, ENCORE UNE FOIS
350
00:14:29,735 --> 00:14:34,832
MON AMI, LE POUF CELEBRE,
JEAN-BRIAN ZATAPATHIQUE.
351
00:14:34,874 --> 00:14:38,071
MERCI, MON PETIT CHOUCHOU,
BRIAN TRUBSHAWE.
352
00:14:38,110 --> 00:14:42,547
ET MAINTENANT AVEC LE PIED A
DROITE ET LE PIED A GAUCHE
353
00:14:42,581 --> 00:14:45,914
ET MAINTENANT L'ANGLAIS-
FRANCAISE MARCHE FUTILE.
354
00:14:45,985 --> 00:14:46,917
ET...
355
00:14:46,986 --> 00:14:47,918
VOI...
356
00:14:47,987 --> 00:14:49,352
LA!
357
00:14:49,388 --> 00:14:51,948
(both humming
"La Marseillaise")
358
00:14:53,158 --> 00:14:55,023
(audience laughter)
359
00:14:55,060 --> 00:14:59,588
(recording of "La Marseillaise"
speeding up)
360
00:15:02,401 --> 00:15:05,598
Announcer: AND NOW A CHOICE
OF VIEWING ON BBC TELEVISION:
361
00:15:05,638 --> 00:15:07,230
JUST STARTED ON BBC 2
362
00:15:07,273 --> 00:15:10,868
THE SEMIFINAL OF EPISODE THREE
OF KIERKEGAARD'S JOURNALS
363
00:15:10,943 --> 00:15:15,107
STARRING RICHARD CHAMBERLAIN,
PEGGY MOUNTAND BILLY BREMNER.
364
00:15:15,147 --> 00:15:18,082
AND ON BBC 1, ETHEL THE FROG.
365
00:15:18,117 --> 00:15:23,020
(laughter, theme music plays)
366
00:15:23,055 --> 00:15:24,522
GOOD EVENING.
367
00:15:24,556 --> 00:15:26,786
ON ETHEL THE FROG TONIGHT,
WE LOOK AT VIOLENCE...
368
00:15:26,825 --> 00:15:28,383
THE VIOLENCE
OF BRITISH GANGLAND.
369
00:15:28,427 --> 00:15:30,793
LAST TUESDAY
A REIGN OF TERROR WAS ENDED
370
00:15:30,829 --> 00:15:34,128
WHEN THE NOTORIOUS PIRANHA
BROTHERS, DOUG AND DINSDALE
371
00:15:34,166 --> 00:15:36,293
AFTER ONE OF THE MOST
EXTRAORDINARY TRIALS
372
00:15:36,335 --> 00:15:37,597
IN BRITISH LEGAL HISTORY
373
00:15:37,636 --> 00:15:39,900
WERE SENTENCED
TO 400 YEARS' IMPRISONMENT
374
00:15:39,939 --> 00:15:41,304
FOR CRIMES OF VIOLENCE.
375
00:15:41,340 --> 00:15:42,898
TONIGHT ETHEL THE FROG EXAMINES
376
00:15:42,975 --> 00:15:44,636
THE RISE TO POWER
OF THE PIRANHAS
377
00:15:44,677 --> 00:15:47,043
THE METHODS THEY USED
TO SUBJUGATE RIVAL GANGS
378
00:15:47,079 --> 00:15:49,445
AND THEIR SUBSEQUENT
TRACKING DOWN AND CAPTURE
379
00:15:49,481 --> 00:15:52,177
BY THE BRILLIANT SUPERINTENDENT
HARRY "SNAPPER" ORGANS
380
00:15:52,217 --> 00:15:53,650
OF "Q" DIVISION.
381
00:15:53,686 --> 00:15:56,917
DOUG AND DINSDALE PIRANHA
WERE BORN, ON PROBATION
382
00:15:56,989 --> 00:15:59,685
IN THIS HOUSE
IN KIPLING ROAD, SOUTHWARK
383
00:15:59,725 --> 00:16:01,955
THE ELDEST SONS
IN A FAMILY OF 16.
384
00:16:01,994 --> 00:16:04,326
THEIR FATHER, ARTHUR PIRANHA
385
00:16:04,363 --> 00:16:07,491
A SCRAP METAL DEALER
AND TV QUIZMASTER
386
00:16:07,533 --> 00:16:10,661
WAS WELL KNOWN TO THE POLICE
AND A DEVOUT CATHOLIC.
387
00:16:10,703 --> 00:16:14,264
IN JANUARY 1928,
HE HAD MARRIED KITTY MALONE
388
00:16:14,306 --> 00:16:16,968
AN UP-AND-COMING EAST END BOXER.
389
00:16:17,009 --> 00:16:21,969
DOUG WAS BORN IN FEBRUARY 1929
AND DINSDALE TWO WEEKS LATER
390
00:16:22,014 --> 00:16:24,278
AND AGAIN A WEEK AFTER THAT.
391
00:16:24,316 --> 00:16:27,114
THEIR NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBOR
WAS MRS. APRIL SIMNEL.
392
00:16:27,152 --> 00:16:30,588
KIPLING ROAD WERE A TYPICAL
SORT OF EAST END STREET.
393
00:16:30,622 --> 00:16:33,056
PEOPLE WERE IN AND OUT
OF EACH OTHER'S HOUSES
394
00:16:33,092 --> 00:16:35,253
WITH EACH OTHER'S
PROPERTY ALL DAY LONG.
395
00:16:35,294 --> 00:16:36,886
THEY WERE A
CHEERY LOT, THOUGH.
396
00:16:36,929 --> 00:16:38,624
WAS IT A TERRIBLY
VIOLENT AREA?
397
00:16:38,664 --> 00:16:42,498
(laughing)
398
00:16:42,534 --> 00:16:45,594
YES, CHEERFUL
AND VIOLENT.
399
00:16:45,637 --> 00:16:47,730
I REMEMBER DOUG WAS
VERY KEEN ON BOXING
400
00:16:47,773 --> 00:16:49,070
UNTIL HE LEARNED
TO WALK.
401
00:16:49,108 --> 00:16:51,576
THEN HE TOOK UP PUTTING
THE BOOT IN THE GROIN.
402
00:16:51,610 --> 00:16:54,078
OH, HE WAS VERY
INTERESTED IN THAT.
403
00:16:54,113 --> 00:16:55,910
HIS MOTHER USED TO
HAVE SUCH TROUBLE
404
00:16:55,981 --> 00:16:57,778
GETTING HIM TO COME
IN FOR HIS TEA.
405
00:16:57,816 --> 00:17:00,979
HE'D BE OUT THERE PUTTING HIS
LITTLE BOOT IN, YOU KNOW.
406
00:17:01,020 --> 00:17:02,248
BLESS HIM.
407
00:17:02,287 --> 00:17:04,585
BUT, YOU KNOW, KIDS WERE
VERY DIFFERENT THEN.
408
00:17:04,623 --> 00:17:06,352
THEY DIDN'T HAVE
THEIR HEADS FILLED
409
00:17:06,392 --> 00:17:08,223
WITH ALL THIS
CARTESIAN DUALISM.
410
00:17:08,260 --> 00:17:11,991
Presenter: AT THE AGE OF 15, DOUG
AND DINSDALE STARTED ATTENDING
411
00:17:12,031 --> 00:17:15,091
THE ERNEST PYTHAGORAS
PRIMARY SCHOOL IN CLERKENWELL.
412
00:17:15,134 --> 00:17:16,226
ANTHONY VINEY
413
00:17:16,268 --> 00:17:18,031
YOU TAUGHT THE PIRANHA
BROTHERS ENGLISH.
414
00:17:18,070 --> 00:17:19,867
WHAT DO YOU REMEMBER
MOST ABOUT THEM?
415
00:17:21,640 --> 00:17:26,873
(voices inaudible;
audience laughter)
416
00:17:31,683 --> 00:17:34,618
(laughter continues)
417
00:17:48,100 --> 00:17:50,967
(laughter continues)
418
00:17:57,743 --> 00:17:59,540
ANTHONY VINEY.
419
00:17:59,578 --> 00:18:02,604
WHEN THE PIRANHAS LEFT SCHOOL,
THEY WERE CALLED UP
420
00:18:02,648 --> 00:18:06,277
BUT WERE FOUND BY AN ARMY BOARD
TO BE TOO MENTALLY UNSTABLE
421
00:18:06,318 --> 00:18:07,945
EVEN FOR NATIONAL SERVICE.
422
00:18:07,986 --> 00:18:10,181
DENIED THE OPPORTUNITY
TO USE THEIR TALENTS
423
00:18:10,222 --> 00:18:11,814
IN THE SERVICE OF THEIR COUNTRY
424
00:18:11,857 --> 00:18:14,724
THEY BEGAN TO OPERATE WHAT
THEY CALLED "THE OPERATION."
425
00:18:14,760 --> 00:18:18,457
THEY WOULD SELECT A VICTIM
AND THEN THREATEN TO BEAT HIM UP
426
00:18:18,497 --> 00:18:21,432
IF HE PAID THEM
THE SO-CALLED PROTECTION MONEY.
427
00:18:21,467 --> 00:18:23,867
FOUR MONTHS LATER,
THEY STARTED ANOTHER OPERATION
428
00:18:23,902 --> 00:18:25,870
WHICH THEY CALLED
"THE OTHER OPERATION."
429
00:18:25,938 --> 00:18:28,338
IN THIS RACKET,
THEY SELECTED ANOTHER VICTIM
430
00:18:28,373 --> 00:18:31,570
AND THREATENED NOT TO BEAT
HIM UP IF HE DIDN'T PAY THEM.
431
00:18:31,610 --> 00:18:34,602
ONE MONTH LATER, THEY HIT UPON
"THE OTHER OTHER OPERATION."
432
00:18:34,646 --> 00:18:36,307
IN THIS, THE VICTIM
WAS THREATENED
433
00:18:36,348 --> 00:18:38,873
THAT IF HE DIDN'T PAY THEM,
THEY WOULD BEAT HIM UP.
434
00:18:38,951 --> 00:18:41,886
THIS FOR THE PIRANHA BROTHERS
WAS THE TURNING POINT.
435
00:18:41,920 --> 00:18:43,217
(laughter)
436
00:18:43,255 --> 00:18:45,416
DOUG AND DINSDALE PIRANHA
NOW FORMED A GANG
437
00:18:45,457 --> 00:18:47,049
WHICH THEY CALLED "THE GANG"
438
00:18:47,092 --> 00:18:50,220
AND USED TERROR TO TAKE OVER
NIGHTCLUBS, BILLIARD HALLS
439
00:18:50,262 --> 00:18:52,025
GAMING CASINOS AND RACE TRACKS.
440
00:18:52,064 --> 00:18:53,861
WHEN THEY TRIED TO TAKE OVER
THE M.C.C.
441
00:18:53,899 --> 00:18:56,766
THEY WERE, FOR THE ONLY TIME
IN THEIR LIVES, SLIT UP A TREAT.
442
00:18:56,802 --> 00:18:58,292
AS THEIR EMPIRE SPREAD, HOWEVER
443
00:18:58,337 --> 00:19:01,135
WE IN "Q" DIVISION WERE KEEPING
TABS ON THEIR EVERY MOVEMENT
444
00:19:01,173 --> 00:19:02,697
BY READING
THE COLOR SUPPLEMENTS.
445
00:19:02,741 --> 00:19:06,507
A SMALL-TIME OPERATOR WHO
FELL FOUL OF DINSDALE PIRANHA
446
00:19:06,545 --> 00:19:08,410
WAS VINCE SNETTERTON-LEWIS.
447
00:19:08,447 --> 00:19:13,441
WELL, ONE DAY I WAS SITTING
AT HOME THREATENING THE KIDS
448
00:19:13,485 --> 00:19:16,215
AND I LOOKED OUT
OF THE HOLE IN THE WALL
449
00:19:16,255 --> 00:19:20,749
AND I SAW THIS TANK DRIVE UP AND
ONE OF DINSDALE'S BOYS GETS OUT
450
00:19:20,792 --> 00:19:23,192
AND HE COMES UP,
ALL NICE AND FRIENDLY LIKE
451
00:19:23,228 --> 00:19:25,856
AND SAYS DINSDALE WANTS
TO HAVE A TALK WITH ME.
452
00:19:25,898 --> 00:19:28,162
SO HE CHAINS ME
TO THE BACK OF THE TANK
453
00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:31,260
AND TAKES ME FOR A SCRAPE
ROUND TO DINSDALE'S PLACE.
454
00:19:31,303 --> 00:19:34,864
AND DINSDALE'S THERE
IN THE CONVERSATION PIT
455
00:19:34,940 --> 00:19:38,603
WITH DOUG AND CHARLES PAISLEY,
THE BABY CRUSHER
456
00:19:38,644 --> 00:19:40,544
AND A COUPLE OF FILM PRODUCERS
457
00:19:40,579 --> 00:19:42,410
AND A MAN
THEY CALLED KIERKEGAARD
458
00:19:42,447 --> 00:19:45,177
WHO JUST SAT THERE BITING
THE HEADS OFF WHIPPETS.
459
00:19:45,217 --> 00:19:46,445
AND DINSDALE SAID
460
00:19:46,485 --> 00:19:49,318
"I HEAR YOU'VE BEEN
A NAUGHTY BOY, CLEMENT"
461
00:19:49,354 --> 00:19:52,881
AND HE SPLITS ME NOSTRILS OPEN
AND SAWS ME LEG OFF
462
00:19:52,958 --> 00:19:54,823
AND PULLS ME LIVER OUT.
463
00:19:54,860 --> 00:19:57,454
AND I SAID,
"MY NAME'S NOT CLEMENT."
464
00:19:57,496 --> 00:20:00,021
AND THEN HE LOSES HIS TEMPER
465
00:20:00,065 --> 00:20:01,692
AND HE NAILS MY HEAD
TO THE FLOOR.
466
00:20:01,733 --> 00:20:03,894
Interviewer: HE NAILED
YOUR HEAD TO THE FLOOR?
467
00:20:04,002 --> 00:20:05,367
AT FIRST, YEAH.
468
00:20:05,404 --> 00:20:08,737
ANOTHER MAN WHO HAD
HIS HEAD NAILED TO THE FLOOR
469
00:20:08,774 --> 00:20:10,207
WAS STIG O'TRACEY.
470
00:20:10,242 --> 00:20:13,006
STIG, I'VE BEEN TOLD
THAT DINSDALE PIRANHA
471
00:20:13,045 --> 00:20:15,036
NAILED YOUR HEAD
TO THE FLOOR.
472
00:20:15,080 --> 00:20:17,913
(astonished):
NO, NO, NEVER, NEVER.
473
00:20:17,950 --> 00:20:19,850
HE WAS A SMASHING BLOKE.
474
00:20:19,885 --> 00:20:22,217
HE USED TO GIVE HIS
MOTHER FLOWERS AND THAT.
475
00:20:22,254 --> 00:20:23,744
HE WAS LIKE
A BROTHER TO ME.
476
00:20:23,789 --> 00:20:25,916
BUT THE POLICE HAVE
FILM OF DINSDALE
477
00:20:25,958 --> 00:20:28,392
ACTUALLY NAILING
YOUR HEAD TO THE FLOOR.
478
00:20:29,461 --> 00:20:32,157
OH, YEAH, WELL...
HE DID THAT, YEAH.
479
00:20:32,197 --> 00:20:33,164
WHY?
480
00:20:33,198 --> 00:20:34,495
WELL, HE HAD TO,
DIDN'T HE?
481
00:20:34,533 --> 00:20:35,557
I MEAN, BE FAIR.
482
00:20:35,601 --> 00:20:37,296
THERE WAS NOTHING
ELSE HE COULD DO.
483
00:20:37,336 --> 00:20:39,634
I MEAN, I HAD TRANSGRESSED
THE UNWRITTEN LAW.
484
00:20:39,671 --> 00:20:40,933
WHAT HAD YOU DONE?
485
00:20:40,973 --> 00:20:43,237
UH...
486
00:20:43,275 --> 00:20:44,936
WELL, HE NEVER
TOLD ME THAT.
487
00:20:45,043 --> 00:20:47,477
BUT HE GAVE ME HIS WORD
THAT IT WAS THE CASE
488
00:20:47,512 --> 00:20:49,946
AND THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH
FOR ME WITH OLD DINSY.
489
00:20:50,048 --> 00:20:52,482
I MEAN, HE DIDN'T WANT TO
NAIL MY HEAD TO THE FLOOR.
490
00:20:52,517 --> 00:20:53,484
I HAD TO INSIST.
491
00:20:53,518 --> 00:20:54,746
HE WANTED TO LET ME OFF.
492
00:20:54,786 --> 00:20:57,084
THERE'S NOTHING DINSDALE
WOULDN'T DO FOR YOU.
493
00:20:57,122 --> 00:20:58,714
AND YOU DON'T BEAR HIM
ANY GRUDGE?
494
00:20:58,757 --> 00:20:59,724
A GRUDGE?!
495
00:20:59,758 --> 00:21:00,816
OLD DINSY?
496
00:21:00,859 --> 00:21:02,588
HE WAS A REAL DARLING.
497
00:21:02,628 --> 00:21:05,859
I UNDERSTAND HE ALSO NAILED YOUR
WIFE'S HEAD TO A COFFEE TABLE.
498
00:21:05,897 --> 00:21:07,524
ISN'T THAT RIGHT,
MRS. O'TRACEY?
499
00:21:07,566 --> 00:21:10,296
OH, NO, NO, NO.
500
00:21:10,335 --> 00:21:12,565
YEAH, WELL,
HE DID DO THAT.
501
00:21:12,604 --> 00:21:13,662
YEAH, YEAH.
502
00:21:13,705 --> 00:21:16,503
HE WAS A CRUEL MAN, BUT FAIR.
503
00:21:16,541 --> 00:21:19,669
Interviewer: VINCE, AFTER HE
NAILED YOUR HEAD TO THE FLOOR
504
00:21:19,711 --> 00:21:21,178
DID YOU EVER
SEE HIM AGAIN?
505
00:21:21,213 --> 00:21:24,910
YEAH, AFTER THAT,
I USED TO GO ROUND TO HIS FLAT
506
00:21:24,983 --> 00:21:27,577
EVERY SUNDAY LUNCHTIME
TO APOLOGIZE
507
00:21:27,619 --> 00:21:30,417
AND WE'D SHAKE HANDS, AND THEN
HE'D NAIL MY HEAD TO THE FLOOR.
508
00:21:30,455 --> 00:21:32,218
EVERY SUNDAY?
509
00:21:32,257 --> 00:21:34,885
YEAH, BUT HE WAS
VERY REASONABLE ABOUT IT.
510
00:21:34,926 --> 00:21:36,154
I MEAN, ONE SUNDAY
511
00:21:36,194 --> 00:21:38,662
WHEN MY PARENTS WERE
COMING ROUND FOR TEA
512
00:21:38,697 --> 00:21:40,221
I ASKED HIM
IF HE'D MIND VERY MUCH
513
00:21:40,265 --> 00:21:42,199
NOT NAILING MY HEAD TO THE FLOOR
THAT WEEK
514
00:21:42,234 --> 00:21:46,295
AND HE AGREED AND JUST SCREWED
MY PELVIS TO A CAKE STAND.
515
00:21:46,338 --> 00:21:48,238
HE WAS THE ONLY FRIEND
I EVER HAD.
516
00:21:48,273 --> 00:21:50,537
(coughs)
517
00:21:50,575 --> 00:21:53,601
(muffled): I WOULDN'T
HEAR A WORD AGAINST HIM.
518
00:21:53,645 --> 00:21:55,704
(disembodied voice):
LOVELY FELLA.
519
00:21:55,747 --> 00:21:59,148
CLEARLY DINSDALE INSPIRED
TREMENDOUS LOYALTY AND TERROR
520
00:21:59,184 --> 00:22:03,018
AMONGST HIS BUSINESS ASSOCIATES,
BUT WHAT WAS HE REALLY LIKE?
521
00:22:03,055 --> 00:22:06,889
I WALKED OUT WITH DINSDALE
ON MANY OCCASIONS
522
00:22:06,992 --> 00:22:11,691
AND FOUND HIM A MOST CHARMING
AND ERUDITE COMPANION.
523
00:22:11,730 --> 00:22:15,632
HE WAS WONT TO INTRODUCE ONE
TO MANY EMINENT PERSONS
524
00:22:15,667 --> 00:22:19,831
CELEBRATED AMERICAN SINGERS,
MEMBERS OF THE ARISTOCRACY
525
00:22:19,871 --> 00:22:21,361
AND OTHER GANG LEADERS.
526
00:22:21,406 --> 00:22:23,101
Interviewer:
HOW HAD HE MET THEM?
527
00:22:23,141 --> 00:22:25,200
THROUGH HIS WORK FOR CHARITY.
528
00:22:25,243 --> 00:22:29,145
HE TOOK A WARM INTEREST
IN BOYS' CLUBS, SAILORS' HOMES
529
00:22:29,181 --> 00:22:32,548
CHORISTERS' ASSOCIATIONS,
SCOUTING JAMBOREES
530
00:22:32,584 --> 00:22:34,916
AND, OF COURSE,
THE HOUSEHOLD CAVALRY.
531
00:22:34,953 --> 00:22:37,717
WAS THERE ANYTHING
UNUSUAL ABOUT HIM?
532
00:22:37,756 --> 00:22:39,485
I SHOULD SAY NOT.
533
00:22:39,524 --> 00:22:44,928
DINSDALE WAS A PERFECTLY
NORMAL PERSON IN EVERY WAY
534
00:22:44,963 --> 00:22:50,026
EXCEPT... EXCEPT INASMUCH
AS HE WAS CONVINCED
535
00:22:50,068 --> 00:22:53,834
THAT HE WAS BEING WATCHED
BY A GIANT HEDGEHOG
536
00:22:53,872 --> 00:22:56,432
WHOM HE REFERRED TO
AS SPINY NORMAN.
537
00:22:56,475 --> 00:22:59,273
HOW BIG WAS NORMAN
SUPPOSED TO BE?
538
00:22:59,311 --> 00:23:03,805
NORMALLY HE WAS WONT TO BE
ABOUT 12 FEET FROM SNOUT TO TAIL
539
00:23:03,849 --> 00:23:06,579
BUT WHEN DINSDALE
WAS VERY DEPRESSED
540
00:23:06,618 --> 00:23:10,520
NORMAN COULD BE ANYTHING
UP TO 800 YARDS LONG.
541
00:23:10,555 --> 00:23:13,888
WHEN NORMAN WAS ABOUT,
DINSDALE WOULD GO VERY QUIET
542
00:23:13,992 --> 00:23:15,823
AND HIS NOSE WOULD SWELL UP
543
00:23:15,861 --> 00:23:18,352
AND HIS TEETH WOULD START
MOVING ABOUT
544
00:23:18,397 --> 00:23:20,297
AND HE'D BECOME VERY VIOLENT
545
00:23:20,332 --> 00:23:22,994
AND CLAIM THAT HE'D LAID
STANLEY BALDWIN.
546
00:23:23,034 --> 00:23:25,662
DINSDALE WAS A GENTLEMAN.
547
00:23:25,704 --> 00:23:29,003
AND WHAT'S MORE, HE KNEW HOW
TO TREAT A FEMALE IMPERSONATOR.
548
00:23:29,040 --> 00:23:30,905
(laughter)
549
00:23:31,009 --> 00:23:35,912
IT'S EASY FOR US TO JUDGE
DINSDALE PIRANHA TOO HARSHLY.
550
00:23:35,947 --> 00:23:41,908
AFTER ALL, HE ONLY DID WHAT MOST
OF US SIMPLY DREAM OF DOING.
551
00:23:43,221 --> 00:23:44,745
(grunts)
552
00:23:44,790 --> 00:23:47,418
(scattered laughter)
553
00:23:47,459 --> 00:23:48,687
I'M SORRY.
554
00:23:48,727 --> 00:23:50,092
(laughter)
555
00:23:50,128 --> 00:23:54,929
AFTER ALL, A MURDERER IS
ONLY AN EXTROVERTED SUICIDE.
556
00:23:55,000 --> 00:23:58,163
(laughter)
557
00:23:58,203 --> 00:24:03,573
DINSDALE WAS A LOONY,
BUT HE WAS A HAPPY LOONY.
558
00:24:03,608 --> 00:24:05,075
LUCKY BASTARD.
559
00:24:05,110 --> 00:24:08,341
MOST OF THESE STRANGE TALES
CONCERN DINSDALE
560
00:24:08,380 --> 00:24:09,642
BUT WHAT OF DOUG?
561
00:24:09,681 --> 00:24:12,548
ONE MAN WHO MET HIM
WAS LUIGI VERCOTTI.
562
00:24:12,584 --> 00:24:16,111
WELL, I HAD BEEN RUNNING
A SUCCESSFUL ESCORT AGENCY.
563
00:24:16,154 --> 00:24:18,452
HIGH-CLASS... NO, REALLY...
HIGH-CLASS GIRLS.
564
00:24:18,490 --> 00:24:20,014
WE DIDN'T HAVE
ANY OF THAT.
565
00:24:20,058 --> 00:24:21,184
THAT WAS RIGHT OUT.
566
00:24:21,226 --> 00:24:22,318
AND I DECIDED...
567
00:24:22,360 --> 00:24:23,327
(phone rings)
568
00:24:23,361 --> 00:24:24,453
EXCUSE ME.
569
00:24:24,496 --> 00:24:26,657
HELLO?
570
00:24:26,698 --> 00:24:28,029
NO, NOT NOW.
571
00:24:28,066 --> 00:24:29,397
SHTOOM, SHTOOM.
572
00:24:31,736 --> 00:24:37,402
RIGHT, YES, WE'LL HAVE THE WATCH
READY FOR YOU AT MIDNIGHT.
573
00:24:37,442 --> 00:24:41,469
THE WATCH...
THE CHINESE WATCH.
574
00:24:41,513 --> 00:24:43,242
(laughter)
575
00:24:43,281 --> 00:24:45,909
YES, ALL RIGHT,
BYE-BYE... MOTHER.
576
00:24:45,984 --> 00:24:47,918
(laughter)
577
00:24:47,986 --> 00:24:49,647
ANYWAY, I DECIDED
THEN TO OPEN
578
00:24:49,688 --> 00:24:51,815
A HIGH-CLASS NIGHTCLUB
FOR THE GENTRY
579
00:24:51,857 --> 00:24:54,189
AT BIGGLESWADE WITH
INTERNATIONAL CUISINE
580
00:24:54,226 --> 00:24:55,557
COOKING, TOP-LINE ACTS
581
00:24:55,594 --> 00:24:58,085
AND NOT A CHEAP CLIP JOINT
FOR PICKING UP TARTS.
582
00:24:58,129 --> 00:25:00,427
THAT WAS RIGHT OUT,
I DENY THAT COMPLETELY.
583
00:25:00,465 --> 00:25:03,525
AND ONE NIGHT
DINSDALE WALKED IN
584
00:25:03,568 --> 00:25:05,866
WITH A COUPLE
OF BIG LADS
585
00:25:05,971 --> 00:25:09,839
ONE OF WHOM WAS CARRYING A
TACTICAL NUCLEAR MISSILE.
586
00:25:09,875 --> 00:25:12,537
THEY SAID I'D BOUGHT ONE
OF THEIR FRUIT MACHINES
587
00:25:12,577 --> 00:25:13,874
AND WOULD I PAY FOR IT.
588
00:25:13,912 --> 00:25:15,573
HOW MUCH
DID THEY WANT?
589
00:25:15,614 --> 00:25:18,048
THREE-QUARTERS
OF A MILLION POUNDS.
590
00:25:18,083 --> 00:25:19,846
THEN THEY WENT OUT.
591
00:25:19,885 --> 00:25:22,581
WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL
FOR THE POLICE?
592
00:25:22,621 --> 00:25:25,886
WELL, I'D NOTICED THAT THE LAD
WITH THE THERMONUCLEAR DEVICE
593
00:25:25,924 --> 00:25:27,983
WAS THE CHIEF CONSTABLE
FOR THE AREA.
594
00:25:28,026 --> 00:25:29,220
(laughter)
595
00:25:29,261 --> 00:25:32,287
ANYWAY, A WEEK LATER
THEY COME BACK
596
00:25:32,330 --> 00:25:35,094
SAID THAT THE CHECK
HAD BOUNCED
597
00:25:35,133 --> 00:25:37,533
AND THAT I HAD
TO SEE DOUG.
598
00:25:37,569 --> 00:25:38,593
DOUG?
599
00:25:39,804 --> 00:25:41,465
(quietly):
DOUG.
600
00:25:47,379 --> 00:25:49,779
I WAS TERRIFIED OF HIM.
601
00:25:49,814 --> 00:25:52,908
EVERYONE WAS TERRIFIED OF DOUG.
602
00:25:52,951 --> 00:25:55,283
I'VE SEEN GROWN MEN
PULL THEIR OWN HEADS OFF
603
00:25:55,320 --> 00:25:56,480
RATHER THAN SEE DOUG.
604
00:25:56,521 --> 00:25:57,715
(laughter)
605
00:25:57,756 --> 00:26:00,054
EVEN DINSDALE WAS FRIGHTENED
OF DOUG.
606
00:26:00,091 --> 00:26:01,524
WHAT DID HE DO?
607
00:26:06,097 --> 00:26:08,327
HE USED SARCASM.
608
00:26:08,366 --> 00:26:11,267
HE KNEW ALL THE TRICKS...
DRAMATIC IRONY, METAPHOR
609
00:26:11,303 --> 00:26:17,674
BATHOS, PUNS, PARODY,
LITOTES... AND SATIRE.
610
00:26:17,709 --> 00:26:20,576
Presenter: BY A COMBINATION
OF VIOLENCE AND SARCASM
611
00:26:20,612 --> 00:26:22,739
THE PIRANHA BROTHERS,
BY FEBRUARY 1966
612
00:26:22,781 --> 00:26:24,874
CONTROLLED LONDON
AND THE SOUTH EAST.
613
00:26:24,950 --> 00:26:27,714
IN FEBRUARY, THOUGH,
DINSDALE MADE A BIG MISTAKE.
614
00:26:27,752 --> 00:26:30,880
LATELY, DINSDALE HAD BECOME
INCREASINGLY WORRIED
615
00:26:30,989 --> 00:26:32,854
ABOUT SPINY NORMAN.
616
00:26:32,891 --> 00:26:36,486
HE HAD COME TO THE CONCLUSION
THAT NORMAN SLEPT
617
00:26:36,528 --> 00:26:39,622
IN AN AEROPLANE HANGAR
AT LUTON AIRPORT.
618
00:26:39,664 --> 00:26:43,998
AND SO, ON FEBRUARY 22, 1966,
AT LUTON AIRPORT...
619
00:26:44,035 --> 00:26:47,664
(explosion)
620
00:26:47,706 --> 00:26:50,300
EVEN THE POLICE BEGAN
TO SIT UP AND TAKE NOTICE.
621
00:26:50,342 --> 00:26:51,639
(laughter)
622
00:26:51,676 --> 00:26:53,576
THE PIRANHAS REALIZED
THEY HAD GONE TOO FAR
623
00:26:53,612 --> 00:26:55,102
AND THAT THE HUNT WAS ON.
624
00:26:55,146 --> 00:26:57,842
THEY WENT INTO HIDING AND
I DECIDED ON A SUBTLE APPROACH
625
00:26:57,882 --> 00:26:59,406
VIZ. SOME FORM OF DISGUISE
626
00:26:59,451 --> 00:27:02,648
AS THE OLD HELMET AND BOOTS
WERE A BIT OF A GIVEAWAY.
627
00:27:02,687 --> 00:27:05,679
LUCKILY, MY YEARS WITH BRISTOL
REP STOOD ME IN GOOD STEAD
628
00:27:05,724 --> 00:27:08,693
AS I ASSUMED A BEWILDERING
VARIETY OF DISGUISES.
629
00:27:08,727 --> 00:27:12,663
I TRACKED THEM TO CARDIFF POSING
AS THE REVEREND SMILER EGRET.
630
00:27:12,697 --> 00:27:14,358
HEARING THEY'D GONE
BACK TO LONDON
631
00:27:14,399 --> 00:27:17,857
I ASSUMED THE IDENTITY
OF A PORK BUTCHER, BRIAN STOATS.
632
00:27:17,969 --> 00:27:19,436
ON MY ARRIVAL IN LONDON
633
00:27:19,471 --> 00:27:22,167
I DISCOVERED THEY HAD
RETURNED TO CARDIFF.
634
00:27:22,207 --> 00:27:25,870
I FOLLOWED AS GLOUCESTER
FROM KING LEAR.
635
00:27:25,977 --> 00:27:27,376
ACTING ON A HUNCH
636
00:27:27,412 --> 00:27:30,745
I SPENT SEVERAL MONTHS
IN BUENOS AIRES AS BLIND PEW
637
00:27:30,782 --> 00:27:32,716
RETURNING THROUGH
THE PANAMA CANAL
638
00:27:32,751 --> 00:27:35,185
AS RATTY IN TOAD OF TOAD HALL.
639
00:27:35,220 --> 00:27:38,280
BACK IN CARDIFF,
I RELIVED MY TRIUMPH
640
00:27:38,323 --> 00:27:41,349
AS SANCHO PANZA
IN MAN OF LA MANCHA
641
00:27:41,393 --> 00:27:43,725
WHICH THE BRISTOL EVENING POST
DESCRIBED
642
00:27:43,762 --> 00:27:47,198
AS "A GLITTERING PERFORMANCE
OF RARE PERCEPTION"
643
00:27:47,232 --> 00:27:49,996
ALTHOUGH THE BATH CHRONICLE
WAS LESS THAN ENTHUSIASTIC.
644
00:27:50,035 --> 00:27:52,333
IN FACT, IT GAVE ME
A RIGHT PANNING... I QUOTE...
645
00:27:52,370 --> 00:27:54,031
Presenter:
"AS FOR THE PERFORMANCE
646
00:27:54,072 --> 00:27:56,097
"OF SUPERINTENDENT
HARRY 'SNAPPER' ORGANS
647
00:27:56,141 --> 00:27:57,608
"AS SANCHO PANZA
648
00:27:57,642 --> 00:28:00,543
"THE AUDIENCE WERE BEMUSED
BY HIS HIGH-PITCHED WELSH ACCENT
649
00:28:00,578 --> 00:28:02,546
AND INTIMIDATED BY
HIS ABUSIVE AD LIBS."
650
00:28:02,580 --> 00:28:04,514
Organs:
THE WESTERN DAILY NEWS SAID...
651
00:28:04,549 --> 00:28:06,312
Presenter:
"SANCHO PANZA (MR. ORGANS)
652
00:28:06,351 --> 00:28:09,081
"SPOILT AN OTHERWISE IMPECCABLY
CHOREOGRAPHED RAPE SCENE
653
00:28:09,120 --> 00:28:10,587
"BY HIS UNSCHEDULED APPEARANCE
654
00:28:10,622 --> 00:28:12,954
AND PERSISTENT CRIES
OF 'WHAT'S ALL THIS, THEN? '"
655
00:28:12,991 --> 00:28:15,152
(laughter)
656
00:28:15,193 --> 00:28:16,421
NEVER MIND,
SNAPPER, LOVE.
657
00:28:16,461 --> 00:28:17,587
YOU CAN'T WIN THEM ALL.
658
00:28:17,629 --> 00:28:18,618
TRUE, CONSTABLE.
659
00:28:18,663 --> 00:28:20,096
COULD I HAVE
MY EYELINER, PLEASE?
660
00:28:20,131 --> 00:28:21,860
TELEGRAM FOR YOU, LOVE.
661
00:28:21,900 --> 00:28:23,060
OH, GOOD-O.
662
00:28:23,101 --> 00:28:24,227
BET IT'S FROM BINKIE.
663
00:28:24,269 --> 00:28:26,203
THOSE FLOWERS ARE FOR
SERGEANT LAUDERDALE
664
00:28:26,237 --> 00:28:27,864
FROM THE GENTLEMAN
WAITING OUTSIDE.
665
00:28:27,939 --> 00:28:28,963
OH, GOOD.
666
00:28:29,007 --> 00:28:30,736
30 SECONDS,
SUPERINTENDENT.
667
00:28:30,775 --> 00:28:32,208
OH, BLIMEY, I'M ON.
668
00:28:32,243 --> 00:28:34,177
IS ME HAT STRAIGHT,
CONSTABLE?
669
00:28:34,212 --> 00:28:35,236
OH, IT'S FINE.
670
00:28:35,280 --> 00:28:37,009
RIGHT, HERE WE GO
THEN, HAWKINS.
671
00:28:37,048 --> 00:28:38,879
OH, MERDE,
SUPERINTENDENT.
672
00:28:38,950 --> 00:28:40,611
GOOD LUCK, THEN.
673
00:28:48,359 --> 00:28:50,384
(laughter)
674
00:28:53,364 --> 00:28:55,389
Newspaper seller:
READ ALL ABOUT IT!
675
00:28:55,433 --> 00:28:57,867
PIRANHA BROTHERS ESCAPE!
676
00:28:57,902 --> 00:29:00,928
(screaming)
677
00:29:00,972 --> 00:29:02,963
Spooky voice:
DINSDALE?
678
00:29:03,007 --> 00:29:05,498
(Sousa's "Liberty Bell March"
playing)
679
00:29:10,982 --> 00:29:13,815
DINSDALE?
680
00:29:19,023 --> 00:29:21,821
DINSDALE?
681
00:29:21,860 --> 00:29:23,225
(laughter)
682
00:29:26,998 --> 00:29:28,295
DINSDALE?
683
00:29:34,305 --> 00:29:38,867
DINSDALE! DINSDALE!
684
00:29:40,345 --> 00:29:41,471
DINSDALE!
685
00:29:42,514 --> 00:29:44,277
DINSDALE!
686
00:29:49,454 --> 00:29:52,753
WELL, THAT'S ALL FOR NOW,
AND SO UNTIL NEXT WEEK...
687
00:29:52,791 --> 00:29:54,622
(roars)
688
00:29:56,494 --> 00:29:58,052
(laughter and applause)
689
00:30:00,000 --> 00:30:04,000
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll