AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.
IT'S...
(Sousa's "Liberty Bell March" playing)
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll
(music ends with squish)
HELLO.
TONIGHT ON FACE THE PRESS, WE'RE GOING TO EXAMINE
TWO DIFFERENT VIEWS OF CONTEMPORARY THINGS.
ON MY LEFT IS THE MINISTER FOR HOME AFFAIRS
WHO IS WEARING A STRIKING ORGANZA DRESS IN PINK TULLE
WITH MATCHING PEARLS AND A DIAMANTE COLLAR NECKLACE.
THE SHOES ARE IN BRUSHED PIGSKIN WITH GOLD CLASPS
BY MAXWELL OF BOND STREET.
THE HAIR IS BY ROGER, AND THE WHOLE ENSEMBLE
IS CROWNED BY A SPECTACULAR DISPLAY OF CHRISTMAS ORCHIDS.
AND ON MY RIGHT
PUTTING THE CASE AGAINST THE GOVERNMENT
IS A SMALL PATCH OF BROWN LIQUID.
(audience laughter)
WHICH COULD BE CREOSOTE
OR SOME EXTRACT
USED IN INDUSTRIAL VARNISHING.
GOOD EVENING.
(laughter)
MINISTER, MAY I PUT THE FIRST QUESTION TO YOU?
IN YOUR PLAN "A BETTER BRITAIN FOR US"
YOU CLAIMED THAT YOU WOULD BUILD
88,000 MILLION BILLION HOUSES A YEAR
IN THE GREATER LONDON AREA ALONE.
IN FACT, YOU'VE BUILT ONLY THREE IN THE LAST 15 YEARS.
ARE YOU A BIT DISAPPOINTED
WITH THIS RESULT?
NO, NO.
I'D LIKE TO ANSWER THIS QUESTION, IF I MAY, IN TWO WAYS:
FIRSTLY IN MY NORMAL VOICE
AND THEN IN A KIND OF SILLY HIGH-PITCHED WHINE.
YOU SEE, HOUSING IS A PROBLEM REALLY...
WELL, WHILE THE MINISTER IS ANSWERING THIS QUESTION
I'D JUST LIKE TO POINT OUT
THE MINISTER'S DRESS HAS BEEN MADE ENTIRELY BY HAND
FROM OVER 300 PIECES OF ARABIAN SHOT SILK...
(minister whining shrilly)
ESPECIALLY CREATED FOR THE MINISTER BY VARGAR'S OF PARIS.
THE LOW SLIM-LINE HAS BEEN CUT OFF THE SHOULDER
TO HEIGHTEN THE EFFECT OF THE MINISTER'S FINE BONE STRUCTURE.
I THINK THE MINISTER IS COMING TO THE END OF HIS ANSWER NOW
SO LET'S GO BACK OVER AND JOIN THE DISCUSSION.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, MINISTER.
TODAY SAW THE APPOINTMENT OF A NEW HEAD OF...
DON'T I SAY ANY MORE?
NO FEAR.
TODAY SAW THE APPOINTMENT
OF A NEW HEAD OF ALLIED BOMBER COMMAND
AIR CHIEF MARSHALL SIR VINCENT "KILL THE JAPS" FORSTER.
HE'S IN OUR BIRMINGHAM STUDIO.
Hello, sailors!
Listen, guess what.
The Ministerette of Aviation has made me...
(doorbell rings)
Head of the R.A.F. Ola Pola...
HELLO... MRS. ROGERS?
(in falsetto): NO...
OH, I MUST BE IN THE WRONG HOUSE.
(laughter)
OOH...
(laughter)
So from now on, we're going to do things my way.
For a start, David Hockney is going to design the bombs...
(doorbell rings)
THAT MUST BE THE NEW GAS COOKER.
(thunderous epic music plays)
(music stops abruptly)
MORNING.
MRS. G. CRUMP?
NO, MRS. G. PINNET.
THIS IS 46 EGERNON CRESCENT?
NO, ROAD, EGERNON ROAD.
ROAD, YES, SAYS HERE, YEAH.
RIGHT, COULD I SPEAK TO MRS. G. CRUMP, PLEASE?
OH, THERE'S NOBODY HERE OF THAT NAME.
IT'S MRS. G. PINNET, 46 EGERNON ROAD.
IT SAYS "CRUMP" HERE, DON'T IT, HARRY?
IT'S ON THE INVOICE.
DEFINITELY "CRUMP."
THERE MUST HAVE BEEN A MISTAKE
BECAUSE THE ADDRESS IS RIGHT
AND THAT'S DEFINITELY THE COOKER I ORDERED...
A BLUE AND WHITE COOKEASI.
WELL, YOU CAN'T HAVE THIS.
THIS IS CRUMP.
WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?
WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
WE CAN TAKE IT BACK
GET A TRANSFER SLIP FROM CRUMP TO PINNET
AND PUT IT ON A SPECIAL DELIVERY.
THAT'S BEST... WE'LL SPECIAL IT FOR YOU.
WE'LL GET IT DOWN THERE TODAY.
YOU'LL GET IT BACK IN TEN WEEKS.
TEN WEEKS?!
CAN'T YOU JUST LEAVE THIS ONE?
WHAT, THIS?
WHAT, LEAVE IT HERE?
YES.
WELL, I DUNNO.
I SUPPOSE WE COULD.
OH, BUT SHE'D HAVE TO FILL OUT
A TEMPORARY DISPATCH NOTE.
YEAH, WE COULD LEAVE IT
ON A TEMPORARY DISPATCH NOTE.
THAT'S SORTED OUT, THEN.
WHAT A MESS, ISN'T IT?
I KNOW IT'S RIDICULOUS, REALLY
BUT THERE YOU ARE.
GLAD WE COULD BE OF SUCH A HELP.
SIGN IT DOWN THERE, PLEASE, MRS. CRUMP.
PINNET.
LISTEN, JUST FOR THE BOOKS...
MAKE IT A BIT EASIER...
COULD YOU SIGN IT "CRUMP-PINNET"?
RIGHT.
RIGHT, THANK YOU VERY MUCH, DEAR.
THE COOKER'S YOURS.
YEAH, HERE WE GO.
RIGHT.
SORRY ABOUT THE BOTHER
BUT THERE YOU ARE, YOU KNOW, CHEERIO!
CHEERIO, MRS. CRUMP!
HEY, EXCUSE ME.
COOEY!
UH, CAN YOU PUT IT IN THE KITCHEN?
YOU WHAT?
WELL, I CAN'T COOK ON IT
UNLESS IT'S CONNECTED UP.
WE DIDN'T REALIZE YOU HAD
AN INSTALLATION INVOICE.
AN M.I.
NO, WE CAN'T TOUCH IT WITHOUT AN M.I.
OR AN R16.
IF IT'S A SPECIAL.
NO, IT'S NOT SPECIAL.
THAT'S BACK AT THE DEPOT.
NO, THE SPECIAL'S
THE SAME AS INSTALLATION INVOICE.
WHAT'S AN INSTALLATION INVOICE?
A PINK FORM FROM READING.
OH, WE WONDERED WHAT THAT WAS.
NOW, THESE ARE THE FORMS.
THAT'S THE ONE, LOVE.
YEAH, THIS SHOULD BE ALL I NEED.
HANG ON, THIS IS FOR PINNET...
MRS. G. PINNET.
THAT'S RIGHT, I'M MRS. G. PINNET.
WELL WE'VE GOT "CRUMP- PINNET" ON THE INVOICE.
WELL, SHALL I SIGN IT "CRUMP-PINNET," THEN?
NO, NO, NO, NOT AN M.I., NO.
NO, THAT'S FROM AREA SERVICE AT READING.
NO, CHELTENHAM, ISN'T IT?
NO, NOT THIS SIDE OF THE STREET.
LOOK, I JUST WANT IT CONNECTED UP.
WHAT ABOUT LONDON OFFICE?
NO, THEY HAVEN'T GOT THE MACHINERY.
NOT NOW.
WHAT, THE HOUNSLOW DEPOT?
NO, THEY'RE STILL ON STANDARD PRESSURE.
SAME WITH TWICKENHAM.
BUT SURELY THEY CAN CONNECT UP A GAS COOKER.
OH, YEAH, BUT NOT UNLESS IT'S AN EMERGENCY.
WELL, THIS IS AN EMERGENCY.
IT'S NOT; AN EMERGENCY IS 290...
"WHERE THERE IS ACTUAL OR APPARENT LOSS
OF COMBUSTIBLE GASEOUS SUBSTANCES."
YEAH, IT'S LIKE A LEAK.
OR A 478.
NO, THAT'S VALVE ADJUSTMENT.
Pinnet: BUT THERE CAN'T BE A LEAK
UNLESS YOU'VE CONNECTED IT UP.
NO, QUITE.
WE'D HAVE TO TURN IT ON.
WELL, CAN'T YOU TURN IT ON
AND CONNECT IT UP?
NO, BUT WHAT WE CAN DO...
AND THIS IS BETWEEN YOU AND ME;
I SHOULDN'T REALLY BE TELLING YOU THIS...
WE'LL TURN YOUR GAS ON
MAKE A HOLE IN YOUR PIPE
YOU RING HOUNSLOW EMERGENCY
THEY'LL BE ROUND HERE IN A COUPLE OF DAYS.
WHAT, A HOUSE FULL OF GAS?
I'LL BE DEAD BY THEN!
OH, WELL, IN THAT CASE
YOU'D HAVE THE SOUTHEAST AREA MANAGER
ROUND HERE LIKE A SHOT.
REALLY?
AH, YES.
"ONE OR MORE PERSONS OVERCOME BY FUMES"
YOU'D HAVE HEAD OFFICE, HOLBORN, ROUND HERE.
REALLY?
YEAH, THAT'S MURDER, YOU SEE.
OR SUICIDE.
NO, THAT'S S42.
OH.
STILL? I THOUGHT IT WAS HAINAULT.
NO, CENTRAL AREA
AND SOUTHALL MARKETING DIVISION...
THEY'RE BOTH ON THE S42 NOW.
AND THEY'D BE ABLE TO CONNECT IT UP?
OH, THEY'D DO THE LOT FOR YOU, LOVE.
AND THEY'D COME ROUND THIS AFTERNOON?
WELL, WHAT IS IT NOW, 11:30?
MURDER...
THEY'LL BE ROUND HERE BY 2:00.
OH, WELL, THAT'S WONDERFUL.
OH, RIGHT, LOVE, IF YOU'D LIKE TO LIE DOWN HERE.
ALL RIGHT.
OKAY, HARRY!
Harry: OKAY, GAS ON.
RIGHT, DEEP BREATHS, LOVE.
RING HEAD OFFICE, WOULD YOU, NORMAN?
SHALL I GO THROUGH MAINTENANCE?
NO, YOU'D BETTER GO THROUGH DEPTFORD MAINTENANCE.
PECKHAM'S ON A 207.
(all muttering)
THAT'S LEWISHAM, ISN'T IT...
(grumbling)
WHAT ABOUT TOTTENHAM?
(muttering)
NO, THAT'D BE A 5-4.
(muttering)
WHAT ABOUT LEWISHAM?
IT'S CENTRAL, ISN'T IT?
YES, OR RUISLIP.
(audience laughter)
(whirring)
(whirring slows and stops)
(humming tune)
(laughter)
GOOD MORNING.
GOOD MORNING, SIR.
CAN I HELP YOU?
HELP ME?
YEAH, I'LL SAY YOU CAN HELP ME.
YES, SIR?
I COME ABOUT YOUR ADVERT
"SMALL WHITE PUSSY CAT FOR SALE.
EXCELLENT CONDITION."
AH, YOU WISH TO BUY IT?
THAT'S RIGHT... JUST FOR THE HOUR.
ONLY I AIN'T GONNA PAY MORE'N A FIVER
'CAUSE IT AIN'T WORTH IT.
IT'S COME FROM A VERY GOOD HOME.
IT'S HOUSE TRAINED.
"CHEST OF DRAWERS..."
CHEST... DRAWERS.
(laughter)
I'D LIKE SOME CHEST OF DRAWERS, PLEASE.
YES, SIR.
DOES IT GO?
IT'S OVER THERE IN THE CORNER.
"PRAM FOR SALE... ANY OFFERS."
I'D LIKE A BIT OF PRAM, PLEASE.
AH, YES, SIR.
THAT'S IN GOOD CONDITION.
OH, GOOD... I LIKE THEM IN GOOD CONDITION, EH?
HERE IT IS, YOU SEE.
(laughter)
"BABY-SITTER."
NO, IT'S A BABY-SITTER.
BABY-SITTER?
BABY-SITTER.
BABY-SITTER...
I DON'T WANT A BABY-SITTER.
"BE A BLOOD DONOR," THAT'S IT.
I'D LIKE TO GIVE SOME BLOOD, PLEASE... WHAA!
(laughter)
OH, SPIT, WHICH ONE IS IT?
"BLONDE PROSTITUTE WILL INDULGE IN ANY SEXUAL ACTIVITY
FOR FOUR QUID A WEEK."
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
(laughter)
TIMES, PLEASE.
OH, YES, SIR, HERE YOU ARE.
THANK YOU. CHEERS.
(laughter)
(great laughter)
(door opens)
GOOD MORNING.
I'M SORRY TO HAVE KEPT YOU WAITING
BUT I'M AFRAID MY...
MY WALK HAS BECOME RATHER SILLIER RECENTLY
AND SO IT TAKES ME RATHER LONGER TO GET TO WORK.
NOW THEN, WHAT WAS IT AGAIN?
WELL, SIR, I HAVE A SILLY WALK
AND I'D LIKE TO OBTAIN A GOVERNMENT GRANT
TO HELP ME DEVELOP IT.
I SEE.
MAY I SEE YOUR SILLY WALK?
YES, CERTAINLY, YES.
(light laughter)
THAT'S IT, IS IT?
YES, THAT'S IT, YES.
MM-HMM, IT'S NOT PARTICULARLY SILLY, IS IT?
I MEAN, THE RIGHT LEG ISN'T SILLY AT ALL
AND THE LEFT LEG MERELY DOES A FORWARD AERIAL HALF TURN
EVERY ALTERNATE STEP.
YES, BUT WITH GOVERNMENT BACKING
I COULD MAKE IT VERY SILLY.
MR. PUDEY, THE VERY REAL PROBLEM IS ONE OF MONEY.
I'M AFRAID THAT THE MINISTRY OF SILLY WALKS
IS NO LONGER GETTING
THE KIND OF SUPPORT IT NEEDS.
YOU SEE, THERE'S DEFENSE, SOCIAL SECURITY
HEALTH, HOUSING, EDUCATION, SILLY WALKS...
THEY'RE ALL SUPPOSED TO GET THE SAME.
BUT LAST YEAR, THE GOVERNMENT
SPENT LESS ON THE MINISTRY OF SILLY WALKS
THAN IT DID ON NATIONAL DEFENSE.
NOW, WE GET £348 MILLION A YEAR
WHICH IS SUPPOSED TO BE SPENT
ON ALL OUR AVAILABLE PRODUCTS.
UH, COFFEE?
YES, PLEASE.
UH, MRS. TWO-LUMPS
WOULD YOU BRING US IN TWO COFFEES, PLEASE?
Yes, Mr. Teabag.
OUT OF HER MIND.
NOW, THE JAPANESE HAVE A MAN
WHO CAN BEND HIS LEG BACK OVER HIS HEAD AND BACK AGAIN
WITH EVERY SINGLE STEP, WHILE THE ISRAELIS...
(knock at door)
AH, HERE'S THE COFFEE.
(laughter)
THANK YOU... LOVELY.
YOU'RE REALLY INTERESTED IN SILLY WALKS, AREN'T YOU?
OH, RATHER.
WELL, TAKE A LOOK AT THIS, THEN.
(simple tune playing)
(laughter)
MR. PUDEY...
(crashing)
I'M NOT GOING TO MINCE WORDS WITH YOU.
I'M GOING TO OFFER YOU A RESEARCH FELLOWSHIP
ON THE ANGLO-FRENCH SILLY WALK.
LA MARCHE FUTILE?
BONJOUR.
(speaking sham French very quickly)
...COMME D'HABITUDE
AU SUJET DU "LE MARCHE COMIQUE."
ET MAINTENANT, JE VOUS PRESENTE, ENCORE UNE FOIS
MON AMI, LE POUF CELEBRE, JEAN-BRIAN ZATAPATHIQUE.
MERCI, MON PETIT CHOUCHOU, BRIAN TRUBSHAWE.
ET MAINTENANT AVEC LE PIED A DROITE ET LE PIED A GAUCHE
ET MAINTENANT L'ANGLAIS- FRANCAISE MARCHE FUTILE.
ET...
VOI...
LA!
(both humming "La Marseillaise")
(audience laughter)
(recording of "La Marseillaise" speeding up)
Announcer: AND NOW A CHOICE OF VIEWING ON BBC TELEVISION:
JUST STARTED ON BBC 2
THE SEMIFINAL OF EPISODE THREE OF KIERKEGAARD'S JOURNALS
STARRING RICHARD CHAMBERLAIN, PEGGY MOUNTAND BILLY BREMNER.
AND ON BBC 1, ETHEL THE FROG.
(laughter, theme music plays)
GOOD EVENING.
ON ETHEL THE FROG TONIGHT, WE LOOK AT VIOLENCE...
THE VIOLENCE OF BRITISH GANGLAND.
LAST TUESDAY A REIGN OF TERROR WAS ENDED
WHEN THE NOTORIOUS PIRANHA BROTHERS, DOUG AND DINSDALE
AFTER ONE OF THE MOST EXTRAORDINARY TRIALS
IN BRITISH LEGAL HISTORY
WERE SENTENCED TO 400 YEARS' IMPRISONMENT
FOR CRIMES OF VIOLENCE.
TONIGHT ETHEL THE FROG EXAMINES
THE RISE TO POWER OF THE PIRANHAS
THE METHODS THEY USED TO SUBJUGATE RIVAL GANGS
AND THEIR SUBSEQUENT TRACKING DOWN AND CAPTURE
BY THE BRILLIANT SUPERINTENDENT HARRY "SNAPPER" ORGANS
OF "Q" DIVISION.
DOUG AND DINSDALE PIRANHA WERE BORN, ON PROBATION
IN THIS HOUSE IN KIPLING ROAD, SOUTHWARK
THE ELDEST SONS IN A FAMILY OF 16.
THEIR FATHER, ARTHUR PIRANHA
A SCRAP METAL DEALER AND TV QUIZMASTER
WAS WELL KNOWN TO THE POLICE AND A DEVOUT CATHOLIC.
IN JANUARY 1928, HE HAD MARRIED KITTY MALONE
AN UP-AND-COMING EAST END BOXER.
DOUG WAS BORN IN FEBRUARY 1929 AND DINSDALE TWO WEEKS LATER
AND AGAIN A WEEK AFTER THAT.
THEIR NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBOR WAS MRS. APRIL SIMNEL.
KIPLING ROAD WERE A TYPICAL SORT OF EAST END STREET.
PEOPLE WERE IN AND OUT OF EACH OTHER'S HOUSES
WITH EACH OTHER'S PROPERTY ALL DAY LONG.
THEY WERE A CHEERY LOT, THOUGH.
WAS IT A TERRIBLY VIOLENT AREA?
(laughing)
YES, CHEERFUL AND VIOLENT.
I REMEMBER DOUG WAS VERY KEEN ON BOXING
UNTIL HE LEARNED TO WALK.
THEN HE TOOK UP PUTTING THE BOOT IN THE GROIN.
OH, HE WAS VERY INTERESTED IN THAT.
HIS MOTHER USED TO HAVE SUCH TROUBLE
GETTING HIM TO COME IN FOR HIS TEA.
HE'D BE OUT THERE PUTTING HIS LITTLE BOOT IN, YOU KNOW.
BLESS HIM.
BUT, YOU KNOW, KIDS WERE VERY DIFFERENT THEN.
THEY DIDN'T HAVE THEIR HEADS FILLED
WITH ALL THIS CARTESIAN DUALISM.
Presenter: AT THE AGE OF 15, DOUG AND DINSDALE STARTED ATTENDING
THE ERNEST PYTHAGORAS PRIMARY SCHOOL IN CLERKENWELL.
ANTHONY VINEY
YOU TAUGHT THE PIRANHA BROTHERS ENGLISH.
WHAT DO YOU REMEMBER MOST ABOUT THEM?
(voices inaudible; audience laughter)
(laughter continues)
ANTHONY VINEY.
WHEN THE PIRANHAS LEFT SCHOOL, THEY WERE CALLED UP
BUT WERE FOUND BY AN ARMY BOARD TO BE TOO MENTALLY UNSTABLE
EVEN FOR NATIONAL SERVICE.
DENIED THE OPPORTUNITY TO USE THEIR TALENTS
IN THE SERVICE OF THEIR COUNTRY
THEY BEGAN TO OPERATE WHAT THEY CALLED "THE OPERATION."
THEY WOULD SELECT A VICTIM AND THEN THREATEN TO BEAT HIM UP
IF HE PAID THEM THE SO-CALLED PROTECTION MONEY.
FOUR MONTHS LATER, THEY STARTED ANOTHER OPERATION
WHICH THEY CALLED "THE OTHER OPERATION."
IN THIS RACKET, THEY SELECTED ANOTHER VICTIM
AND THREATENED NOT TO BEAT HIM UP IF HE DIDN'T PAY THEM.
ONE MONTH LATER, THEY HIT UPON "THE OTHER OTHER OPERATION."
IN THIS, THE VICTIM WAS THREATENED
THAT IF HE DIDN'T PAY THEM, THEY WOULD BEAT HIM UP.
THIS FOR THE PIRANHA BROTHERS WAS THE TURNING POINT.
(laughter)
DOUG AND DINSDALE PIRANHA NOW FORMED A GANG
WHICH THEY CALLED "THE GANG"
AND USED TERROR TO TAKE OVER NIGHTCLUBS, BILLIARD HALLS
GAMING CASINOS AND RACE TRACKS.
WHEN THEY TRIED TO TAKE OVER THE M.C.C.
THEY WERE, FOR THE ONLY TIME IN THEIR LIVES, SLIT UP A TREAT.
AS THEIR EMPIRE SPREAD, HOWEVER
WE IN "Q" DIVISION WERE KEEPING TABS ON THEIR EVERY MOVEMENT
BY READING THE COLOR SUPPLEMENTS.
A SMALL-TIME OPERATOR WHO FELL FOUL OF DINSDALE PIRANHA
WAS VINCE SNETTERTON-LEWIS.
WELL, ONE DAY I WAS SITTING AT HOME THREATENING THE KIDS
AND I LOOKED OUT OF THE HOLE IN THE WALL
AND I SAW THIS TANK DRIVE UP AND ONE OF DINSDALE'S BOYS GETS OUT
AND HE COMES UP, ALL NICE AND FRIENDLY LIKE
AND SAYS DINSDALE WANTS TO HAVE A TALK WITH ME.
SO HE CHAINS ME TO THE BACK OF THE TANK
AND TAKES ME FOR A SCRAPE ROUND TO DINSDALE'S PLACE.
AND DINSDALE'S THERE IN THE CONVERSATION PIT
WITH DOUG AND CHARLES PAISLEY, THE BABY CRUSHER
AND A COUPLE OF FILM PRODUCERS
AND A MAN THEY CALLED KIERKEGAARD
WHO JUST SAT THERE BITING THE HEADS OFF WHIPPETS.
AND DINSDALE SAID
"I HEAR YOU'VE BEEN A NAUGHTY BOY, CLEMENT"
AND HE SPLITS ME NOSTRILS OPEN AND SAWS ME LEG OFF
AND PULLS ME LIVER OUT.
AND I SAID, "MY NAME'S NOT CLEMENT."
AND THEN HE LOSES HIS TEMPER
AND HE NAILS MY HEAD TO THE FLOOR.
Interviewer: HE NAILED YOUR HEAD TO THE FLOOR?
AT FIRST, YEAH.
ANOTHER MAN WHO HAD HIS HEAD NAILED TO THE FLOOR
WAS STIG O'TRACEY.
STIG, I'VE BEEN TOLD THAT DINSDALE PIRANHA
NAILED YOUR HEAD TO THE FLOOR.
(astonished): NO, NO, NEVER, NEVER.
HE WAS A SMASHING BLOKE.
HE USED TO GIVE HIS MOTHER FLOWERS AND THAT.
HE WAS LIKE A BROTHER TO ME.
BUT THE POLICE HAVE FILM OF DINSDALE
ACTUALLY NAILING YOUR HEAD TO THE FLOOR.
OH, YEAH, WELL... HE DID THAT, YEAH.
WHY?
WELL, HE HAD TO, DIDN'T HE?
I MEAN, BE FAIR.
THERE WAS NOTHING ELSE HE COULD DO.
I MEAN, I HAD TRANSGRESSED THE UNWRITTEN LAW.
WHAT HAD YOU DONE?
UH...
WELL, HE NEVER TOLD ME THAT.
BUT HE GAVE ME HIS WORD THAT IT WAS THE CASE
AND THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME WITH OLD DINSY.
I MEAN, HE DIDN'T WANT TO NAIL MY HEAD TO THE FLOOR.
I HAD TO INSIST.
HE WANTED TO LET ME OFF.
THERE'S NOTHING DINSDALE WOULDN'T DO FOR YOU.
AND YOU DON'T BEAR HIM ANY GRUDGE?
A GRUDGE?!
OLD DINSY?
HE WAS A REAL DARLING.
I UNDERSTAND HE ALSO NAILED YOUR WIFE'S HEAD TO A COFFEE TABLE.
ISN'T THAT RIGHT, MRS. O'TRACEY?
OH, NO, NO, NO.
YEAH, WELL, HE DID DO THAT.
YEAH, YEAH.
HE WAS A CRUEL MAN, BUT FAIR.
Interviewer: VINCE, AFTER HE NAILED YOUR HEAD TO THE FLOOR
DID YOU EVER SEE HIM AGAIN?
YEAH, AFTER THAT, I USED TO GO ROUND TO HIS FLAT
EVERY SUNDAY LUNCHTIME TO APOLOGIZE
AND WE'D SHAKE HANDS, AND THEN HE'D NAIL MY HEAD TO THE FLOOR.
EVERY SUNDAY?
YEAH, BUT HE WAS VERY REASONABLE ABOUT IT.
I MEAN, ONE SUNDAY
WHEN MY PARENTS WERE COMING ROUND FOR TEA
I ASKED HIM IF HE'D MIND VERY MUCH
NOT NAILING MY HEAD TO THE FLOOR THAT WEEK
AND HE AGREED AND JUST SCREWED MY PELVIS TO A CAKE STAND.
HE WAS THE ONLY FRIEND I EVER HAD.
(coughs)
(muffled): I WOULDN'T HEAR A WORD AGAINST HIM.
(disembodied voice): LOVELY FELLA.
CLEARLY DINSDALE INSPIRED TREMENDOUS LOYALTY AND TERROR
AMONGST HIS BUSINESS ASSOCIATES, BUT WHAT WAS HE REALLY LIKE?
I WALKED OUT WITH DINSDALE ON MANY OCCASIONS
AND FOUND HIM A MOST CHARMING AND ERUDITE COMPANION.
HE WAS WONT TO INTRODUCE ONE TO MANY EMINENT PERSONS
CELEBRATED AMERICAN SINGERS, MEMBERS OF THE ARISTOCRACY
AND OTHER GANG LEADERS.
Interviewer: HOW HAD HE MET THEM?
THROUGH HIS WORK FOR CHARITY.
HE TOOK A WARM INTEREST IN BOYS' CLUBS, SAILORS' HOMES
CHORISTERS' ASSOCIATIONS, SCOUTING JAMBOREES
AND, OF COURSE, THE HOUSEHOLD CAVALRY.
WAS THERE ANYTHING UNUSUAL ABOUT HIM?
I SHOULD SAY NOT.
DINSDALE WAS A PERFECTLY NORMAL PERSON IN EVERY WAY
EXCEPT... EXCEPT INASMUCH AS HE WAS CONVINCED
THAT HE WAS BEING WATCHED BY A GIANT HEDGEHOG
WHOM HE REFERRED TO AS SPINY NORMAN.
HOW BIG WAS NORMAN SUPPOSED TO BE?
NORMALLY HE WAS WONT TO BE ABOUT 12 FEET FROM SNOUT TO TAIL
BUT WHEN DINSDALE WAS VERY DEPRESSED
NORMAN COULD BE ANYTHING UP TO 800 YARDS LONG.
WHEN NORMAN WAS ABOUT, DINSDALE WOULD GO VERY QUIET
AND HIS NOSE WOULD SWELL UP
AND HIS TEETH WOULD START MOVING ABOUT
AND HE'D BECOME VERY VIOLENT
AND CLAIM THAT HE'D LAID STANLEY BALDWIN.
DINSDALE WAS A GENTLEMAN.
AND WHAT'S MORE, HE KNEW HOW TO TREAT A FEMALE IMPERSONATOR.
(laughter)
IT'S EASY FOR US TO JUDGE DINSDALE PIRANHA TOO HARSHLY.
AFTER ALL, HE ONLY DID WHAT MOST OF US SIMPLY DREAM OF DOING.
(grunts)
(scattered laughter)
I'M SORRY.
(laughter)
AFTER ALL, A MURDERER IS ONLY AN EXTROVERTED SUICIDE.
(laughter)
DINSDALE WAS A LOONY, BUT HE WAS A HAPPY LOONY.
LUCKY BASTARD.
MOST OF THESE STRANGE TALES CONCERN DINSDALE
BUT WHAT OF DOUG?
ONE MAN WHO MET HIM WAS LUIGI VERCOTTI.
WELL, I HAD BEEN RUNNING A SUCCESSFUL ESCORT AGENCY.
HIGH-CLASS... NO, REALLY... HIGH-CLASS GIRLS.
WE DIDN'T HAVE ANY OF THAT.
THAT WAS RIGHT OUT.
AND I DECIDED...
(phone rings)
EXCUSE ME.
HELLO?
NO, NOT NOW.
SHTOOM, SHTOOM.
RIGHT, YES, WE'LL HAVE THE WATCH READY FOR YOU AT MIDNIGHT.
THE WATCH... THE CHINESE WATCH.
(laughter)
YES, ALL RIGHT, BYE-BYE... MOTHER.
(laughter)
ANYWAY, I DECIDED THEN TO OPEN
A HIGH-CLASS NIGHTCLUB FOR THE GENTRY
AT BIGGLESWADE WITH INTERNATIONAL CUISINE
COOKING, TOP-LINE ACTS
AND NOT A CHEAP CLIP JOINT FOR PICKING UP TARTS.
THAT WAS RIGHT OUT, I DENY THAT COMPLETELY.
AND ONE NIGHT DINSDALE WALKED IN
WITH A COUPLE OF BIG LADS
ONE OF WHOM WAS CARRYING A TACTICAL NUCLEAR MISSILE.
THEY SAID I'D BOUGHT ONE OF THEIR FRUIT MACHINES
AND WOULD I PAY FOR IT.
HOW MUCH DID THEY WANT?
THREE-QUARTERS OF A MILLION POUNDS.
THEN THEY WENT OUT.
WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL FOR THE POLICE?
WELL, I'D NOTICED THAT THE LAD WITH THE THERMONUCLEAR DEVICE
WAS THE CHIEF CONSTABLE FOR THE AREA.
(laughter)
ANYWAY, A WEEK LATER THEY COME BACK
SAID THAT THE CHECK HAD BOUNCED
AND THAT I HAD TO SEE DOUG.
DOUG?
(quietly): DOUG.
I WAS TERRIFIED OF HIM.
EVERYONE WAS TERRIFIED OF DOUG.
I'VE SEEN GROWN MEN PULL THEIR OWN HEADS OFF
RATHER THAN SEE DOUG.
(laughter)
EVEN DINSDALE WAS FRIGHTENED OF DOUG.
WHAT DID HE DO?
HE USED SARCASM.
HE KNEW ALL THE TRICKS... DRAMATIC IRONY, METAPHOR
BATHOS, PUNS, PARODY, LITOTES... AND SATIRE.
Presenter: BY A COMBINATION OF VIOLENCE AND SARCASM
THE PIRANHA BROTHERS, BY FEBRUARY 1966
CONTROLLED LONDON AND THE SOUTH EAST.
IN FEBRUARY, THOUGH, DINSDALE MADE A BIG MISTAKE.
LATELY, DINSDALE HAD BECOME INCREASINGLY WORRIED
ABOUT SPINY NORMAN.
HE HAD COME TO THE CONCLUSION THAT NORMAN SLEPT
IN AN AEROPLANE HANGAR AT LUTON AIRPORT.
AND SO, ON FEBRUARY 22, 1966, AT LUTON AIRPORT...
(explosion)
EVEN THE POLICE BEGAN TO SIT UP AND TAKE NOTICE.
(laughter)
THE PIRANHAS REALIZED THEY HAD GONE TOO FAR
AND THAT THE HUNT WAS ON.
THEY WENT INTO HIDING AND I DECIDED ON A SUBTLE APPROACH
VIZ. SOME FORM OF DISGUISE
AS THE OLD HELMET AND BOOTS WERE A BIT OF A GIVEAWAY.
LUCKILY, MY YEARS WITH BRISTOL REP STOOD ME IN GOOD STEAD
AS I ASSUMED A BEWILDERING VARIETY OF DISGUISES.
I TRACKED THEM TO CARDIFF POSING AS THE REVEREND SMILER EGRET.
HEARING THEY'D GONE BACK TO LONDON
I ASSUMED THE IDENTITY OF A PORK BUTCHER, BRIAN STOATS.
ON MY ARRIVAL IN LONDON
I DISCOVERED THEY HAD RETURNED TO CARDIFF.
I FOLLOWED AS GLOUCESTER FROM KING LEAR.
ACTING ON A HUNCH
I SPENT SEVERAL MONTHS IN BUENOS AIRES AS BLIND PEW
RETURNING THROUGH THE PANAMA CANAL
AS RATTY IN TOAD OF TOAD HALL.
BACK IN CARDIFF, I RELIVED MY TRIUMPH
AS SANCHO PANZA IN MAN OF LA MANCHA
WHICH THE BRISTOL EVENING POST DESCRIBED
AS "A GLITTERING PERFORMANCE OF RARE PERCEPTION"
ALTHOUGH THE BATH CHRONICLE WAS LESS THAN ENTHUSIASTIC.
IN FACT, IT GAVE ME A RIGHT PANNING... I QUOTE...
Presenter: "AS FOR THE PERFORMANCE
"OF SUPERINTENDENT HARRY 'SNAPPER' ORGANS
"AS SANCHO PANZA
"THE AUDIENCE WERE BEMUSED BY HIS HIGH-PITCHED WELSH ACCENT
AND INTIMIDATED BY HIS ABUSIVE AD LIBS."
Organs: THE WESTERN DAILY NEWS SAID...
Presenter: "SANCHO PANZA (MR. ORGANS)
"SPOILT AN OTHERWISE IMPECCABLY CHOREOGRAPHED RAPE SCENE
"BY HIS UNSCHEDULED APPEARANCE
AND PERSISTENT CRIES OF 'WHAT'S ALL THIS, THEN? '"
(laughter)
NEVER MIND, SNAPPER, LOVE.
YOU CAN'T WIN THEM ALL.
TRUE, CONSTABLE.
COULD I HAVE MY EYELINER, PLEASE?
TELEGRAM FOR YOU, LOVE.
OH, GOOD-O.
BET IT'S FROM BINKIE.
THOSE FLOWERS ARE FOR SERGEANT LAUDERDALE
FROM THE GENTLEMAN WAITING OUTSIDE.
OH, GOOD.
30 SECONDS, SUPERINTENDENT.
OH, BLIMEY, I'M ON.
IS ME HAT STRAIGHT, CONSTABLE?
OH, IT'S FINE.
RIGHT, HERE WE GO THEN, HAWKINS.
OH, MERDE, SUPERINTENDENT.
GOOD LUCK, THEN.
(laughter)
Newspaper seller: READ ALL ABOUT IT!
PIRANHA BROTHERS ESCAPE!
(screaming)
Spooky voice: DINSDALE?
(Sousa's "Liberty Bell March" playing)
DINSDALE?
(laughter)
DINSDALE?
DINSDALE! DINSDALE!
DINSDALE!
WELL, THAT'S ALL FOR NOW, AND SO UNTIL NEXT WEEK...
(roars)
(laughter and applause)
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll