1
00:00:01,968 --> 00:00:05,961
(simple, cheery tune plays)
2
00:00:07,140 --> 00:00:15,013
(humming)
3
00:00:18,000 --> 00:00:22,000
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll
4
00:00:25,658 --> 00:00:26,386
(door closes)
5
00:00:28,161 --> 00:00:33,292
(humming)
6
00:00:33,333 --> 00:00:36,302
(snoring)
7
00:00:36,336 --> 00:00:39,464
(clock ticking)
8
00:00:39,506 --> 00:00:46,105
(snoring and ticking continue)
9
00:00:46,146 --> 00:00:47,477
(alarm clock rings)
10
00:00:47,514 --> 00:00:51,644
(dramatic inspirational
music plays)
11
00:00:51,684 --> 00:00:55,017
(audience laughter)
12
00:00:57,624 --> 00:01:00,286
(propellers whirring)
13
00:01:01,628 --> 00:01:05,189
AND NOW FOR SOMETHING
COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.
14
00:01:05,231 --> 00:01:06,528
IT'S...
15
00:01:06,566 --> 00:01:10,832
(Sousa's "Liberty Bell March"
playing)
16
00:01:10,870 --> 00:01:14,636
MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS.
17
00:01:19,612 --> 00:01:23,275
[Captioning sponsored by THE
U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION
18
00:01:23,316 --> 00:01:27,116
and A&E TELEVISION NETWORKS]
19
00:01:37,630 --> 00:01:38,961
(music ends with raspberry)
20
00:01:43,470 --> 00:01:49,272
(not in unison):
HELLO, AND WELCOME TO THE SHOW.
21
00:01:49,309 --> 00:01:52,938
WITHOUT MORE ADO
22
00:01:52,979 --> 00:02:00,886
THE FIRST ITEM IS A SKETCH
ABOUT ARCHITECTS
23
00:02:00,920 --> 00:02:05,914
CALLED "THE ARCHITECTS SKETCH."
24
00:02:09,095 --> 00:02:12,929
THE ARCHITECTS SKETCH!
25
00:02:14,601 --> 00:02:17,764
THE ARCHITECTS SKETCH!
26
00:02:19,439 --> 00:02:22,602
THE ARCHITECTS SKETCH!
27
00:02:23,776 --> 00:02:25,903
UP THERE!
28
00:02:25,945 --> 00:02:28,243
UP THERE!
29
00:02:28,281 --> 00:02:31,250
UP THERE!
30
00:02:31,284 --> 00:02:34,082
(shouting continues)
31
00:02:34,120 --> 00:02:36,918
GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE
TWO BASIC SUGGESTIONS
32
00:02:36,956 --> 00:02:38,685
FOR THE DESIGN OF THIS...
33
00:02:38,791 --> 00:02:40,418
(shouting continues outside)
34
00:02:40,460 --> 00:02:42,052
(laughter)
35
00:02:42,095 --> 00:02:44,120
GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE
TWO BASIC SUGGESTIONS
36
00:02:44,164 --> 00:02:45,461
FOR THE DESIGN OF THIS...
37
00:02:45,498 --> 00:02:47,523
(shouting continues)
38
00:02:47,567 --> 00:02:49,194
SHUT UP!
39
00:02:49,235 --> 00:02:50,532
(shouting stops)
40
00:02:50,570 --> 00:02:53,368
GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE
TWO BASIC SUGGESTIONS...
41
00:02:53,406 --> 00:03:00,642
(men shouting "Sorry")
42
00:03:00,680 --> 00:03:05,174
(laughter)
43
00:03:06,319 --> 00:03:09,311
GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE
TWO BASIC SUGGESTIONS
44
00:03:09,355 --> 00:03:12,153
FOR THE DESIGN OF
THIS ARCHITECTURAL BLOCK
45
00:03:12,192 --> 00:03:13,659
THE RESIDENTIAL BLOCK.
46
00:03:13,726 --> 00:03:16,661
AND I THOUGHT IT BEST THAT
THE ARCHITECTS THEMSELVES
47
00:03:16,696 --> 00:03:19,392
CAME IN TO EXPLAIN
THE ADVANTAGES OF BOTH DESIGNS.
48
00:03:19,432 --> 00:03:20,558
(knock at door)
49
00:03:20,600 --> 00:03:22,534
THAT MUST BE
THE FIRST ARCHITECT NOW.
50
00:03:23,803 --> 00:03:28,399
AH, YES, IT'S MR. WIGGIN
OF IRONSIDE AND MALONE.
51
00:03:28,441 --> 00:03:29,635
GOOD MORNING,
GENTLEMEN.
52
00:03:29,676 --> 00:03:31,576
THIS IS A 12-STORY BLOCK
53
00:03:31,611 --> 00:03:33,476
COMBINING CLASSICAL
NEO-GEORGIAN FEATURES
54
00:03:33,513 --> 00:03:35,481
WITH ALL THE ADVANTAGES
OF MODERN DESIGN.
55
00:03:35,515 --> 00:03:37,642
THE TENANTS ARRIVE
IN THE ENTRANCE HALL HERE
56
00:03:37,684 --> 00:03:40,084
ARE CARRIED ALONG
THE CORRIDOR ON A CONVEYOR BELT
57
00:03:40,119 --> 00:03:41,814
IN EXTREME COMFORT,
AND PAST MURALS
58
00:03:41,854 --> 00:03:43,685
DEPICTING
MEDITERRANEAN SCENES
59
00:03:43,756 --> 00:03:45,519
TOWARDS THE ROTATING KNIVES.
60
00:03:45,558 --> 00:03:49,255
THE LAST 20 FEET OF THE CORRIDOR
ARE HEAVILY SOUNDPROOFED.
61
00:03:49,295 --> 00:03:51,593
THE BLOOD POURS DOWN
THESE CHUTES
62
00:03:51,631 --> 00:03:54,156
AND THE MANGLED FLESH
SLURPS INTO THESE...
63
00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:54,894
EXCUSE ME.
64
00:03:54,934 --> 00:03:55,696
HMM?
65
00:03:55,768 --> 00:03:57,497
DID YOU SAY KNIVES?
66
00:03:57,537 --> 00:03:59,971
ROTATING KNIVES, YES.
67
00:04:00,006 --> 00:04:02,907
ARE YOU PROPOSING TO
SLAUGHTER OUR TENANTS?
68
00:04:04,043 --> 00:04:05,635
DOES THAT NOT FIT IN
WITH YOUR PLANS?
69
00:04:05,745 --> 00:04:10,011
NO, WE WANTED A SIMPLE
BLOCK OF FLATS.
70
00:04:10,049 --> 00:04:11,516
AH! I SEE.
71
00:04:11,551 --> 00:04:15,248
I HADN'T CORRECTLY DIVINED YOUR
ATTITUDE TOWARDS YOUR TENANTS.
72
00:04:15,288 --> 00:04:18,257
SEE, I MAINLY DESIGN
SLAUGHTERHOUSES, YES, PITY.
73
00:04:18,291 --> 00:04:19,622
MIND YOU, THIS IS A REAL BEAUT.
74
00:04:19,659 --> 00:04:21,593
I MEAN, NONE OF YOUR BLOOD
CAKED ON THE WALLS
75
00:04:21,628 --> 00:04:23,027
AND FLESH FLYING OUT
OF THE WINDOWS
76
00:04:23,062 --> 00:04:24,757
INCONVENIENCING PASSERSBY
WITH THIS ONE.
77
00:04:24,797 --> 00:04:26,662
I MEAN, MY LIFE HAS BEEN
BUILDING UP TO THIS.
78
00:04:26,766 --> 00:04:28,256
YES, AND WELL DONE.
79
00:04:28,301 --> 00:04:30,132
BUT WE DID WANT
A BLOCK OF FLATS.
80
00:04:30,169 --> 00:04:31,261
WELL, MAY I ASK YOU
TO RECONSIDER?
81
00:04:31,304 --> 00:04:32,271
I MEAN, YOU WOULDN'T REGRET IT.
82
00:04:32,305 --> 00:04:33,533
THINK OF THE TOURIST TRADE.
83
00:04:33,573 --> 00:04:36,542
NO, IT'S JUST THAT WE WANTED
A BLOCK OF FLATS
84
00:04:36,576 --> 00:04:38,271
AND NOT AN ABATTOIR.
85
00:04:38,311 --> 00:04:40,643
YES, WELL, OF COURSE,
THAT'S JUST THE SORT
86
00:04:40,680 --> 00:04:42,671
OF BLINKERED PHILISTINE
PIG IGNORANCE
87
00:04:42,782 --> 00:04:45,615
I'VE COME TO EXPECT
FROM YOU NON-CREATIVE GARBAGE.
88
00:04:45,652 --> 00:04:48,143
YOU SIT THERE ON
YOUR LOATHSOME, SPOTTY BEHINDS
89
00:04:48,187 --> 00:04:49,654
SQUEEZING BLACKHEADS
90
00:04:49,689 --> 00:04:52,453
NOT CARING A TINKER'S CUSS
ABOUT THE STRUGGLING ARTIST.
91
00:04:52,492 --> 00:04:53,789
YOU EXCREMENT!
92
00:04:53,826 --> 00:04:57,387
YOU LOUSY, HYPOCRITICAL,
WHINING TOADIES
93
00:04:57,430 --> 00:05:01,560
WITH YOUR LOUSY COLOR TV SETS
AND YOUR TONY JACKLIN GOLF CLUBS
94
00:05:01,601 --> 00:05:03,728
AND YOUR BLEEDING
MASONIC HANDSHAKES.
95
00:05:03,770 --> 00:05:05,795
YOU WOULDN'T LET ME JOIN,
WOULD YOU
96
00:05:05,838 --> 00:05:07,396
YOU BLACKBALLING BASTARDS!
97
00:05:07,440 --> 00:05:09,738
WELL, I WOULDN'T BECOME
A FREEMASON NOW
98
00:05:09,776 --> 00:05:13,644
IF YOU WENT DOWN ON YOUR LOUSY,
STINKING, PURULENT KNEES
99
00:05:13,680 --> 00:05:15,841
AND BEGGED ME!
100
00:05:15,882 --> 00:05:18,544
WELL, WE'RE SORRY
YOU FEEL LIKE THAT
101
00:05:18,584 --> 00:05:21,052
BUT WE DID WANT
A BLOCK OF FLATS...
102
00:05:21,087 --> 00:05:23,317
NICE THOUGH
THE ABATTOIR IS.
103
00:05:23,356 --> 00:05:24,653
OH... (blows raspberry)
THE ABATTOIR.
104
00:05:24,724 --> 00:05:25,884
THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT.
105
00:05:25,925 --> 00:05:27,119
BUT IF ONE OF YOU COULD
PUT IN A WORD FOR ME
106
00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:28,127
I'D LOVE TO BE A FREEMASON.
107
00:05:28,161 --> 00:05:29,219
FREEMASONRY OPENS DOORS.
108
00:05:29,262 --> 00:05:30,194
I MEAN, I WAS...
109
00:05:30,229 --> 00:05:31,457
I WAS A BIT
ON EDGE JUST NOW
110
00:05:31,497 --> 00:05:32,794
BUT IF I WAS A MASON
111
00:05:32,832 --> 00:05:35,096
I'D JUST SIT AT THE BACK
AND NOT GET IN ANYONE'S WAY.
112
00:05:35,134 --> 00:05:36,431
THANK YOU.
113
00:05:36,469 --> 00:05:37,766
I'VE GOT
A SECONDHAND APRON.
114
00:05:37,804 --> 00:05:39,135
THANK YOU.
115
00:05:43,976 --> 00:05:45,273
I NEARLY GOT IN
AT HENDON.
116
00:05:45,311 --> 00:05:46,938
THANK YOU.
117
00:05:46,979 --> 00:05:48,913
I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT,
GENTLEMEN.
118
00:05:48,948 --> 00:05:50,381
THE SECOND ARCHITECT IS
119
00:05:50,416 --> 00:05:52,441
A MR. LEAVEY
OF WYMIS AND DIBBLE.
120
00:05:52,485 --> 00:05:54,248
GOOD MORNING, GENTLEMEN.
121
00:05:54,287 --> 00:05:56,653
THIS IS A SCALE MODEL
OF THE BLOCK.
122
00:05:56,689 --> 00:05:59,954
THERE ARE 28 STORIES
WITH 280 MODERN APARTMENTS.
123
00:05:59,992 --> 00:06:03,257
THERE ARE THREE MAIN LIFTS
AND TWO SERVICE LIFTS.
124
00:06:03,296 --> 00:06:05,787
ACCESS WOULD BE
FROM DIBBINGLEY ROAD.
125
00:06:05,832 --> 00:06:07,629
(laughter)
126
00:06:07,667 --> 00:06:10,602
THE STRUCTURE IS BUILT
ON A CENTRAL PILLAR SYSTEM
127
00:06:10,636 --> 00:06:12,331
WITH CANTILEVERED FLOORS
128
00:06:12,372 --> 00:06:14,465
IN PRE-STRESSED STEEL
AND CONCRETE.
129
00:06:14,507 --> 00:06:17,101
THE DIVIDING WALLS ON
EACH FLOOR SECTION ARE FIXED
130
00:06:17,143 --> 00:06:19,134
WITH RECESSED MAGNALLIUM
FLANGED GR...
131
00:06:19,178 --> 00:06:21,806
(laughter)
132
00:06:21,848 --> 00:06:24,612
BY AVOIDING WOOD
AND TIMBER DERIVATIVES
133
00:06:24,650 --> 00:06:27,210
AND ALL OTHER INFLAMMABLES
134
00:06:27,253 --> 00:06:30,882
WE'VE ALMOST TOTALLY REMOVED
THE RISK OF...
135
00:06:30,923 --> 00:06:34,051
(laughter)
136
00:06:34,093 --> 00:06:36,459
QUITE FRANKLY, I THINK
THE CENTRAL PILLAR SYSTEM
137
00:06:36,496 --> 00:06:37,986
MAY NEED STRENGTHENING A BIT.
138
00:06:38,030 --> 00:06:40,089
ISN'T THAT GOING
TO PUT THE COST UP?
139
00:06:40,133 --> 00:06:41,031
IT MIGHT.
140
00:06:41,067 --> 00:06:42,864
WELL, I DON'T KNOW
WHETHER I'D WORRY
141
00:06:42,902 --> 00:06:44,392
ABOUT STRENGTHENING
THAT MUCH.
142
00:06:44,437 --> 00:06:46,803
AFTER ALL, THEY'RE NOT
MEANT TO BE LUXURY FLATS.
143
00:06:46,839 --> 00:06:48,170
NO, I QUITE AGREE.
144
00:06:48,207 --> 00:06:50,607
I MEAN, PROVIDED THE
TENANTS ARE OF LIGHT BUILD
145
00:06:50,643 --> 00:06:51,871
AND RELATIVELY SEDENTARY
146
00:06:51,911 --> 00:06:53,503
AND GIVEN A SPOT
OF GOOD WEATHER
147
00:06:53,546 --> 00:06:55,207
I THINK WE'RE ONTO
A WINNER HERE.
148
00:06:55,248 --> 00:06:56,442
OH, THANK YOU.
149
00:06:56,482 --> 00:06:57,949
(crack)
150
00:06:57,984 --> 00:07:00,509
QUITE AGREE,
QUITE AGREE.
151
00:07:00,553 --> 00:07:01,611
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
152
00:07:01,721 --> 00:07:03,348
THANK YOU.
153
00:07:03,389 --> 00:07:04,822
IT OPENS DOORS, I'M TELLING YOU.
154
00:07:04,857 --> 00:07:06,722
LET'S HAVE A LOOK
AT THAT HANDSHAKE AGAIN
155
00:07:06,759 --> 00:07:07,851
IN SLOWMOTION.
156
00:07:07,894 --> 00:07:09,555
(laughter)
157
00:07:09,595 --> 00:07:12,962
WHAT OTHER WAYS ARE THERE
OF RECOGNIZING A MASON?
158
00:07:12,999 --> 00:07:19,427
(laughter)
159
00:07:42,795 --> 00:07:46,492
HAVING ONCE IDENTIFIED A MASON,
IMMEDIATE STEPS MUST BE TAKEN
160
00:07:46,532 --> 00:07:48,966
TO ISOLATE HIM
FROM THE GENERAL PUBLIC.
161
00:07:49,836 --> 00:07:51,098
HAVING ACCOMPLISHED THAT
162
00:07:51,137 --> 00:07:52,661
IT IS NOW POSSIBLE TO CURE HIM
163
00:07:52,772 --> 00:07:54,831
OF THESE UNFORTUNATE
MASONIC TENDENCIES
164
00:07:54,874 --> 00:07:58,503
THROUGH THE USE
OF BEHAVIORAL PSYCHOTHERAPY.
165
00:07:58,544 --> 00:08:00,535
IN THIS TREATMENT
166
00:08:00,580 --> 00:08:02,275
THE PATIENT IS REWARDED
FOR THE CORRECT RESPONSE
167
00:08:02,315 --> 00:08:04,146
AND PUNISHED FOR THE WRONG ONE.
168
00:08:04,183 --> 00:08:05,741
LET US BEGIN.
169
00:08:07,353 --> 00:08:11,153
WOULD YOU LIKE TO GIVE UP
BEING A MASON?
170
00:08:11,190 --> 00:08:12,555
THINK CAREFULLY.
171
00:08:13,826 --> 00:08:14,815
THINK.
172
00:08:16,028 --> 00:08:17,017
THINK.
173
00:08:19,365 --> 00:08:20,332
NO.
174
00:08:20,366 --> 00:08:21,333
NO?!
175
00:08:21,367 --> 00:08:22,834
THAT'S WRONG!
176
00:08:22,869 --> 00:08:24,837
WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!
177
00:08:24,871 --> 00:08:25,997
NO! NO!
178
00:08:26,038 --> 00:08:28,165
BAD! BAD DOG! BAD!
179
00:08:29,375 --> 00:08:31,741
THE BBC WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE
180
00:08:31,777 --> 00:08:34,177
FOR THE FOLLOWING ANNOUNCEMENT.
181
00:08:34,213 --> 00:08:40,550
(Gumbys moaning)
182
00:08:46,726 --> 00:08:48,660
(in unison):
OH!
183
00:08:48,728 --> 00:08:56,863
AND THE NEXT ITEM IS
A SKETCH ABOUT INSURANCE
184
00:08:56,903 --> 00:09:01,169
CALLED "INSURANCE SKETCH."
185
00:09:02,341 --> 00:09:04,832
INSURANCE SKETCH!
186
00:09:06,178 --> 00:09:09,306
INSURANCE SKETCH!
187
00:09:09,348 --> 00:09:10,906
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
188
00:09:10,950 --> 00:09:14,317
WELL, I'VE COME ABOUT YOUR
SPECIAL, FULLY COMPREHENSIVE
189
00:09:14,353 --> 00:09:16,184
MOTOR INSURANCE POLICY OFFER.
190
00:09:16,222 --> 00:09:17,712
WHAT WAS THAT?
191
00:09:17,757 --> 00:09:19,725
FULLY COMPREHENSIVE
MOTOR INSURANCE
192
00:09:19,759 --> 00:09:21,090
FOR ONE
AND EIGHT PENCE.
193
00:09:21,127 --> 00:09:22,458
OH! OH, YEAH.
194
00:09:22,495 --> 00:09:23,826
YEAH.
195
00:09:23,863 --> 00:09:25,387
WELL, UNFORTUNATELY, GUV
196
00:09:25,431 --> 00:09:27,194
THAT OFFER'S
NO LONGER VALID.
197
00:09:27,233 --> 00:09:28,632
YOU SEE, IT TURNED OUT
198
00:09:28,668 --> 00:09:30,465
NOT TO BE
ECONOMICALLY VIABLE
199
00:09:30,503 --> 00:09:32,630
SO WE NOW HAVE
A TOTALLY NEW OFFER.
200
00:09:32,738 --> 00:09:33,534
WHAT'S THAT?
201
00:09:33,573 --> 00:09:34,597
A NUDE LADY.
202
00:09:34,640 --> 00:09:35,197
NUDE LADY?
203
00:09:35,241 --> 00:09:36,640
YES, YOU GET A NUDE LADY
204
00:09:36,676 --> 00:09:38,166
WITH A FULLY COMPREHENSIVE
MOTOR INSURANCE.
205
00:09:38,210 --> 00:09:40,303
IF YOU JUST WANT THIRD PARTY,
SHE HAS TO KEEP HER BRA ON
206
00:09:40,346 --> 00:09:41,813
AND IF IT'S JUST THEFT...
207
00:09:41,847 --> 00:09:45,010
NO, NO, I DON'T REALLY WANT
THAT, MISTER... MISTER...
208
00:09:45,051 --> 00:09:46,643
DEVIOUS.
209
00:09:46,719 --> 00:09:49,085
MR. DEVIOUS, I JUST WANT TO KNOW
WHAT IT WOULD COST ME
210
00:09:49,121 --> 00:09:50,816
TO HAVE A FULLY
COMPREHENSIVE INSURANCE
211
00:09:50,856 --> 00:09:52,050
ON A 1970 ASTON MARTIN.
212
00:09:52,091 --> 00:09:53,058
ASTON MARTIN?
213
00:09:53,092 --> 00:09:54,059
YEAH.
214
00:09:54,093 --> 00:09:55,060
500 QUID.
215
00:09:55,094 --> 00:09:56,061
500 QUID?
216
00:09:56,095 --> 00:09:56,959
40 QUID.
217
00:09:56,996 --> 00:09:57,621
40 QUID?
218
00:09:57,663 --> 00:09:59,187
40 QUID AND A NUDE LADY.
219
00:09:59,231 --> 00:10:00,664
NO, NO, I'M NOT INTERESTED
IN A NUDE LADY.
220
00:10:00,733 --> 00:10:01,927
DIRTY BOOKS?
221
00:10:01,968 --> 00:10:04,061
NO, NO, NO, LOOK, I'M NOT
INTERESTED IN ANY OF THAT.
222
00:10:04,103 --> 00:10:05,764
I JUST WANT TO KNOW
WHAT IT WOULD COST ME
223
00:10:05,805 --> 00:10:07,397
TO HAVE A FULLY
COMPREHENSIVE INSURANCE
224
00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:08,532
ON A 1970 ASTON MARTIN.
225
00:10:08,574 --> 00:10:10,007
CAN YOU PLEASE QUOTE ME
YOUR PRICE?
226
00:10:10,042 --> 00:10:11,304
KNOCK, KNOCK.
227
00:10:11,344 --> 00:10:12,038
WHO'S THERE?
228
00:10:12,078 --> 00:10:12,806
THE REVEREND.
229
00:10:12,845 --> 00:10:13,869
THE REVEREND WHO?
230
00:10:13,913 --> 00:10:15,471
THE REVEREND MORRISON.
231
00:10:15,514 --> 00:10:17,004
OH, COME IN.
232
00:10:19,285 --> 00:10:21,116
NOW, THEN, VIC,
WHAT'S THE TROUBLE?
233
00:10:21,153 --> 00:10:23,417
WELL, IT'S ABOUT THIS LETTER
YOU SENT ME.
234
00:10:23,456 --> 00:10:24,582
EXCUSE ME.
235
00:10:24,624 --> 00:10:26,182
DO I HAVE
ANY MORE LINES?
236
00:10:26,225 --> 00:10:27,419
I DON'T KNOW, MUSH.
237
00:10:27,460 --> 00:10:29,451
I'LL HAVE A LOOK
IN THE SCRIPT.
238
00:10:30,129 --> 00:10:31,255
WHERE ARE WE?
239
00:10:31,297 --> 00:10:32,594
SHOW EIGHT.
240
00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:33,690
ARE YOU "MAN"?
241
00:10:33,799 --> 00:10:34,959
YEAH... MAN.
242
00:10:36,636 --> 00:10:38,126
NO... NO,
YOU'VE FINISHED.
243
00:10:38,170 --> 00:10:39,603
WELL, I'LL BE OFF, THEN.
244
00:10:39,639 --> 00:10:40,697
RIGHT.
245
00:10:40,806 --> 00:10:43,604
(laughter)
246
00:10:43,643 --> 00:10:45,440
"THE VICAR SITS."
247
00:10:45,478 --> 00:10:47,207
IT'S ABOUT THIS LETTER
YOU SENT ME
248
00:10:47,246 --> 00:10:48,713
REGARDING
MY INSURANCE CLAIM.
249
00:10:48,781 --> 00:10:49,873
OH, YEAH.
250
00:10:49,915 --> 00:10:50,904
YEAH, WELL, YOU SEE
251
00:10:50,950 --> 00:10:52,713
IT'S JUST THAT WE'RE NOT AS YET
252
00:10:52,818 --> 00:10:55,719
TOTALLY SATISFIED WITH
THE GROUNDS OF YOUR CLAIM.
253
00:10:55,788 --> 00:10:59,019
BUT IT SAYS SOMETHING ABOUT
FILLING MY MOUTH IN WITH CEMENT.
254
00:10:59,058 --> 00:11:02,027
OH, WELL, THAT'S JUST
INSURANCE JARGON, YOU KNOW.
255
00:11:02,061 --> 00:11:03,585
MY CAR WAS HIT
BY A LORRY
256
00:11:03,629 --> 00:11:05,358
WHILE STANDING
IN THE GARAGE
257
00:11:05,398 --> 00:11:07,298
AND YOU REFUSE
TO PAY MY CLAIM.
258
00:11:07,333 --> 00:11:08,994
OH, WELL,
REVEREND MORRISON
259
00:11:09,035 --> 00:11:10,696
IN YOUR POLICY...
260
00:11:12,038 --> 00:11:13,699
IN YOUR POLICY...
261
00:11:16,208 --> 00:11:18,039
HERE WE ARE.
262
00:11:19,712 --> 00:11:21,202
IT STATES
QUITE CLEARLY
263
00:11:21,247 --> 00:11:23,681
THAT NO CLAIM YOU MAKE
WILL BE PAID.
264
00:11:23,716 --> 00:11:24,842
(laughter)
265
00:11:24,884 --> 00:11:25,851
OH, DEAR.
266
00:11:25,885 --> 00:11:27,318
YOU SEE...
267
00:11:27,353 --> 00:11:30,083
YOU UNFORTUNATELY PLUMPED
FOR OUR "NEVERPAY" POLICY
268
00:11:30,122 --> 00:11:33,057
WHICH, YOU KNOW, IF YOU
NEVER CLAIM, IS VERY WORTHWHILE
269
00:11:33,092 --> 00:11:35,526
BUT YOU HAD TO CLAIM,
AND, WELL, THERE IT IS.
270
00:11:35,561 --> 00:11:37,426
OH, DEAR, OH, DEAR.
271
00:11:37,463 --> 00:11:38,794
STILL, NEVER MIND,
COULD BE WORSE.
272
00:11:38,831 --> 00:11:39,627
HOW'S THE NUDE LADY?
273
00:11:39,665 --> 00:11:41,963
OH, SHE'S FINE.
274
00:11:42,001 --> 00:11:44,367
(sobbing)
275
00:11:44,403 --> 00:11:46,496
LOOK, REV, I HATE
TO SEE A MAN CRY
276
00:11:46,539 --> 00:11:49,702
SO SHOVE OFF, OUT THE
OFFICE, THAT'S A GOOD CHAP.
277
00:11:49,742 --> 00:11:51,334
(laughter)
278
00:11:57,483 --> 00:11:58,950
OKAY, DEVIOUS! DON'T MOVE.
279
00:11:58,984 --> 00:12:00,383
THE BISHOP!
280
00:12:00,419 --> 00:12:02,649
(crime-series-type
music plays)
281
00:12:02,722 --> 00:12:04,417
(laughter)
282
00:12:37,123 --> 00:12:39,148
(choir singing)
283
00:12:39,191 --> 00:12:41,284
(engine roaring)
284
00:12:41,327 --> 00:12:42,988
(laughter)
285
00:12:51,837 --> 00:12:54,567
I TAKE AS MY TEXT FOR TODAY...
286
00:12:54,607 --> 00:12:55,972
THE TEXT, VIC!
287
00:12:56,008 --> 00:12:57,498
DON'T SAY THE TEXT!
288
00:12:57,543 --> 00:12:59,568
LEVITICUS 3-14.
289
00:12:59,612 --> 00:13:01,580
(explosion)
290
00:13:01,614 --> 00:13:03,013
(congregation squeals)
291
00:13:03,048 --> 00:13:04,572
WE WAS TOO LATE.
292
00:13:04,617 --> 00:13:06,915
THE REVEREND GRUNDY BIT
THE CEILING.
293
00:13:06,952 --> 00:13:09,250
(buzzing)
294
00:13:09,288 --> 00:13:10,255
HELLO?
295
00:13:10,289 --> 00:13:11,415
WHAT?
296
00:13:11,457 --> 00:13:12,583
WE'LL BE RIGHT OVER.
297
00:13:12,625 --> 00:13:16,322
(bells tolling)
298
00:13:16,362 --> 00:13:21,265
(organ playing hymn)
299
00:13:26,238 --> 00:13:27,762
AND IT IS FOR THIS REASON
300
00:13:27,807 --> 00:13:31,402
THAT THE CHRISTIAN CHURCH LAYS
UPON YOU, THE GODPARENTS...
301
00:13:31,443 --> 00:13:32,671
(ticking)
302
00:13:32,711 --> 00:13:35,805
THE OBLIGATION OF SEEING
THIS CHILD IS BROUGHT UP
303
00:13:35,848 --> 00:13:37,315
IN THE CHRISTIAN FAITH.
304
00:13:37,349 --> 00:13:39,374
THEREFORE, I NAME THIS CHILD...
305
00:13:39,418 --> 00:13:41,386
DON'T SAY THE KID'S NAME, VIC!
306
00:13:41,420 --> 00:13:43,786
FRANCESCO LUIGI...
307
00:13:43,823 --> 00:13:46,087
(explosion)
308
00:13:47,426 --> 00:13:48,518
WE WAS TOO LATE.
309
00:13:48,561 --> 00:13:50,825
THE REVEREND NEUK SAW THE LIGHT.
310
00:13:54,700 --> 00:13:58,329
THE RING, VIC...
DON'T TOUCH THE RING!
311
00:13:58,370 --> 00:14:00,270
(laughter)
312
00:14:00,306 --> 00:14:03,275
(bell tolling)
313
00:14:07,046 --> 00:14:09,913
(bell tolls, man chokes)
314
00:14:09,949 --> 00:14:11,211
HEY, VIC...
315
00:14:15,521 --> 00:14:16,988
(snaps)
316
00:14:17,022 --> 00:14:20,651
...DEARLY DEPARTED,
DUST TO DUST, ASHES TO ASHES.
317
00:14:20,693 --> 00:14:23,662
(creaking)
318
00:14:23,696 --> 00:14:24,685
(gulps)
319
00:14:26,699 --> 00:14:28,826
(cannon booms)
320
00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:30,301
(brakes screech)
321
00:14:32,972 --> 00:14:36,408
("Peter Gunn Theme" plays)
322
00:14:44,583 --> 00:14:47,313
(laughter)
323
00:14:49,255 --> 00:14:52,383
Reverend Morrison:
HELP, HELP!
324
00:14:52,424 --> 00:14:55,325
HELP, HELP!
325
00:14:55,361 --> 00:14:58,159
HELP, HELP!
326
00:14:58,197 --> 00:15:01,564
HELP, HELP!
327
00:15:21,287 --> 00:15:22,481
COME ON.
328
00:15:22,521 --> 00:15:27,618
(laughter)
329
00:15:29,361 --> 00:15:30,658
OKAY, DEVIOUS, DON'T MOVE!
330
00:15:30,729 --> 00:15:32,424
THE BISHOP!
331
00:15:32,464 --> 00:15:34,591
(crime-series-type
music plays)
332
00:15:34,633 --> 00:15:36,863
(laughter)
333
00:15:47,913 --> 00:15:49,847
THIS IS WHERE
WE CAME IN.
334
00:15:49,882 --> 00:15:50,906
YEAH.
335
00:16:00,559 --> 00:16:02,823
OH, IT'S NICE
TO BE HOME.
336
00:16:02,861 --> 00:16:04,522
(laughter)
337
00:16:04,563 --> 00:16:06,724
BUILDERS HAVEN'T
BEEN, THEN.
338
00:16:06,765 --> 00:16:07,925
NO.
339
00:16:07,967 --> 00:16:09,992
THESE TWO OLD
PEOPLE ARE TYPICAL
340
00:16:10,035 --> 00:16:12,936
OF THE HOUSING PROBLEM
FACING BRITAIN'S AGED.
341
00:16:12,972 --> 00:16:14,633
HERE! DON'T
YOU START DOING
342
00:16:14,707 --> 00:16:16,641
A DOCUMENTARY
ON US, YOUNG MAN.
343
00:16:16,709 --> 00:16:17,641
OH, PLEASE.
344
00:16:17,710 --> 00:16:18,642
NO, LEAVE US ALONE.
345
00:16:18,711 --> 00:16:19,769
OH, JUST A LITTLE ONE
346
00:16:19,812 --> 00:16:21,404
ABOUT THE APPALLING
CONDITIONS
347
00:16:21,447 --> 00:16:22,505
UNDER WHICH
YOU LIVE?
348
00:16:22,548 --> 00:16:23,879
NO, GET OUT
OF OUR HOUSE!
349
00:16:23,916 --> 00:16:24,940
GO ON.
350
00:16:27,453 --> 00:16:30,945
Man:
COME ON, GEORGE, PICK IT UP.
351
00:16:30,990 --> 00:16:32,548
WHY DON'T YOU DO A DOCUMENTARY
352
00:16:32,591 --> 00:16:34,957
'BOUT THE DRUG PROBLEM
ROUND IN WALTON STREET?
353
00:16:36,061 --> 00:16:39,553
(laughter)
354
00:16:39,598 --> 00:16:41,657
OH, I'LL GO AND HAVE A BATH.
355
00:16:44,803 --> 00:16:48,899
(declaiming): THE SPLENDOR
FALLS ON CASTLE WALLS
356
00:16:48,941 --> 00:16:51,171
AND SNOWY SUMMITS
OLD IN STORY...
357
00:16:51,210 --> 00:16:53,542
HERE! THERE'S
ALFRED LORD TENNYSON
358
00:16:53,579 --> 00:16:54,944
IN THE BATHROOM!
359
00:16:54,980 --> 00:16:58,245
WELL, AT LEAST THE POET'S
BEEN INSTALLED, THEN.
360
00:16:58,283 --> 00:17:01,184
YES, A POET IS ESSENTIAL
FOR COMPLETE HOME COMFORT
361
00:17:01,220 --> 00:17:03,620
AND ALL-YEAR-ROUND
RELIABILITY AT LOW COST.
362
00:17:03,722 --> 00:17:06,452
WE IN THE EAST MIDLANDS
POET BOARD HOPE TO HAVE
363
00:17:06,492 --> 00:17:09,120
A POET IN EVERY HOME
BY THE END OF NEXT YEAR.
364
00:17:09,161 --> 00:17:11,026
♪ POETS ARE BOTH
CLEAN AND WARM ♪
365
00:17:11,063 --> 00:17:13,031
♪ AND MOST ARE FAR
ABOVE THE NORM ♪
366
00:17:13,065 --> 00:17:15,033
♪ WHETHER HERE OR ON THE ROAM ♪
367
00:17:15,067 --> 00:17:17,365
♪ HAVE A POET IN EVERY HOME! ♪
368
00:17:17,403 --> 00:17:20,099
Man (intoning):
I WANDERED LONELY AS A CLOUD...
369
00:17:20,139 --> 00:17:21,128
(doorbell rings)
370
00:17:21,173 --> 00:17:22,868
THAT FLOATS ON HIGH OR VALE...
371
00:17:22,908 --> 00:17:23,966
GOOD MORNING,
MADAM.
372
00:17:24,009 --> 00:17:25,567
I'VE COME TO
READ YOUR POET.
373
00:17:25,611 --> 00:17:27,238
OH, YES, IT'S
IN THE CUPBOARD
374
00:17:27,279 --> 00:17:28,268
UNDER THE STAIRS.
375
00:17:28,313 --> 00:17:29,337
(coughs)
376
00:17:29,381 --> 00:17:31,645
WHAT IS IT... A SWINBURNE?
SHELLEY?
377
00:17:31,750 --> 00:17:33,308
NO, IT'S A WORDSWORTH.
378
00:17:33,352 --> 00:17:34,819
OH, BLOODY
DAFFODILS.
379
00:17:34,853 --> 00:17:36,480
Wordsworth:
BENEATH THE TREES
380
00:17:36,522 --> 00:17:39,923
FLUTTERING AND DANCING
IN THE BREEZE
381
00:17:39,958 --> 00:17:42,188
CONTINUOUS AS THE STARS
382
00:17:42,227 --> 00:17:46,254
THAT SHINE AND TWINKLE
ON THE MILKY WAY...
383
00:17:46,298 --> 00:17:48,823
(coughing): RIGHT,
THANK YOU, MADAM.
384
00:17:48,867 --> 00:17:50,664
OH, NOT AT ALL.
THANK YOU.
385
00:17:50,702 --> 00:17:52,169
(grunts)
386
00:17:54,173 --> 00:17:56,073
IT'S A NICE
DAY, ISN'T IT?
387
00:17:56,108 --> 00:17:57,973
YES, YES, THE
WEATHER SITUATION
388
00:17:58,010 --> 00:17:59,341
IS GENERALLY
FAVORABLE.
389
00:17:59,378 --> 00:18:01,312
THERE'S A RIDGE
OF HIGH PRESSURE
390
00:18:01,346 --> 00:18:02,574
CENTERED
OVER IRELAND
391
00:18:02,614 --> 00:18:04,605
WHICH IS MOVING
STEADILY EASTWARDS
392
00:18:04,716 --> 00:18:06,149
BRINGING CLOUDY WEATHER
393
00:18:06,185 --> 00:18:08,278
TO PARTS OF THE
WEST COUNTRY, WALES
394
00:18:08,320 --> 00:18:10,220
AND AREAS WEST
OF THE PENNINES.
395
00:18:10,255 --> 00:18:11,517
ON TOMORROW'S CHART...
396
00:18:11,557 --> 00:18:12,524
(loud laughter)
397
00:18:12,558 --> 00:18:14,219
THE SITUATION'S
MUCH THE SAME.
398
00:18:14,259 --> 00:18:17,422
WITH THIS OCCLUDED FRONT
BRINGING DRIER, WARMER WEATHER
399
00:18:17,463 --> 00:18:20,193
TEMPERATURES ABOUT AVERAGE
FOR THE TIME OF YEAR.
400
00:18:20,232 --> 00:18:23,326
THAT'S THREE DEGREES CENTIGRADE,
44 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT
401
00:18:23,368 --> 00:18:25,233
SO DON'T FORGET TO WRAP UP WELL.
402
00:18:25,270 --> 00:18:27,101
THAT'S ALL FROM ME. GOOD NIGHT.
403
00:18:27,139 --> 00:18:30,302
NOW ON BBC TELEVISION,
A CHOICE OF VIEWING.
404
00:18:30,342 --> 00:18:33,004
ON BBC 2, A DISCUSSION
ON CENSORSHIP
405
00:18:33,045 --> 00:18:37,311
BETWEEN DEREK HART, THE BISHOP
OF WOOLWICH AND A NUDE MAN.
406
00:18:37,349 --> 00:18:39,874
AND ON BBC 1,
ME TELLING YOU THIS.
407
00:18:39,918 --> 00:18:41,146
AND NOW...
408
00:18:41,186 --> 00:18:43,086
Woman:
WE DON'T WANT THAT, DO WE?
409
00:18:43,122 --> 00:18:45,647
DO YOU REALLY WANT
THAT CHERRY IN YOUR TEA?
410
00:18:45,691 --> 00:18:47,249
DO YOU LIKE
DOING THIS JOB?
411
00:18:47,292 --> 00:18:49,055
WELL, IT'S A
LIVING, ISN'T IT?
412
00:18:49,094 --> 00:18:50,459
I MEAN, DON'T
YOU GET BORED
413
00:18:50,496 --> 00:18:52,088
READING PEOPLE'S
POETS ALL DAY?
414
00:18:52,131 --> 00:18:56,192
WELL... YOU KNOW...
SOMETIMES, YEAH.
415
00:18:56,235 --> 00:18:59,136
ANYWAY, I THINK
I'LL BETTER BE GOING.
416
00:18:59,171 --> 00:19:01,071
YOU'VE GOT A NICE
TORCH, HAVEN'T YOU?
417
00:19:01,106 --> 00:19:02,437
(laughter)
418
00:19:02,474 --> 00:19:03,463
UH, YEAH, YEAH.
419
00:19:03,509 --> 00:19:09,209
IT'S A... IT
GOES, UH, ON AND OFF.
420
00:19:09,248 --> 00:19:10,408
HOW MANY
VOLTS IS IT?
421
00:19:10,449 --> 00:19:12,280
OH, UH... WELL,
I'LL HAVE A LOOK
422
00:19:12,317 --> 00:19:13,306
AT THE BATTERIES.
423
00:19:13,352 --> 00:19:14,319
OH, YES, YES.
424
00:19:14,353 --> 00:19:17,516
IT'S, UH... 4½ VOLTS.
425
00:19:17,556 --> 00:19:19,615
MMM, THAT'S
WONDERFUL.
426
00:19:19,658 --> 00:19:21,125
DO YOU WANT ANOTHER
LOOK AT THE POET?
427
00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:22,320
NO, NO, I MUST
BE OFF, REALLY.
428
00:19:22,361 --> 00:19:23,851
I'VE GOT THOMAS HARDY
IN THE BEDROOM.
429
00:19:23,896 --> 00:19:25,454
I'D LIKE YOU
TO LOOK AT HIM.
430
00:19:25,497 --> 00:19:27,055
OH, WELL, I
CAN'T TOUCH HIM;
431
00:19:27,099 --> 00:19:28,088
HE'S A NOVELIST.
432
00:19:28,133 --> 00:19:29,623
OH, HE KEEPS
MUMBLING ALL NIGHT.
433
00:19:29,668 --> 00:19:31,192
AH, WELL, NOVELISTS
DO, YOU SEE.
434
00:19:31,236 --> 00:19:32,533
OH, FORGET HIM!
435
00:19:32,571 --> 00:19:35,233
WHAT'S YOUR NAME, DEARY?
436
00:19:35,274 --> 00:19:36,241
HARNESS.
437
00:19:36,275 --> 00:19:38,835
NO, NO... YOUR
FIRST NAME, SILLY.
438
00:19:38,877 --> 00:19:39,844
WOMBAT.
439
00:19:39,878 --> 00:19:42,745
OH, WOMBAT!
WOMBAT HARNESS!
440
00:19:42,781 --> 00:19:46,114
TAKE ME TO THE PLACE WHERE
ETERNITY KNOWS NO BOUNDS
441
00:19:46,151 --> 00:19:48,984
WHERE THE GARDEN OF LOVE
ENCLOSES US ROUND.
442
00:19:49,021 --> 00:19:51,546
OH, HARNESS...
443
00:19:51,590 --> 00:19:54,024
ALL RIGHT, I'LL HAVE A QUICK
LOOK AT YOUR THOMAS HARDY.
444
00:19:54,059 --> 00:19:56,027
NUDE MAN, WHAT DID
YOU MAKE OF THAT?
445
00:19:56,061 --> 00:19:57,392
WELL, DON'T YOU SEE
446
00:19:57,429 --> 00:20:00,660
THAT WAS EXACTLY THE KIND
OF EXPLICIT SEXUAL REFERENCE
447
00:20:00,732 --> 00:20:01,756
I'M OBJECTING TO.
448
00:20:01,800 --> 00:20:03,961
IT IS TITILLATION
FOR THE SAKE OF IT
449
00:20:04,002 --> 00:20:06,664
A DELIBERATE ATTEMPT
AT CHEAP SENSATIONALISM.
450
00:20:06,738 --> 00:20:10,003
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE SO-CALLED
AVANT-GARDE, LEFT-WING
451
00:20:10,042 --> 00:20:11,976
INTELLECTUAL NAMBY-PAMBIES SAY.
452
00:20:12,010 --> 00:20:12,977
IT IS FILTH!
453
00:20:13,011 --> 00:20:15,377
BISHOP.
454
00:20:15,414 --> 00:20:17,314
OKAY, DON'T ANYBODY MOVE!
455
00:20:17,349 --> 00:20:20,978
(crime-series-type
music plays)
456
00:20:22,821 --> 00:20:25,688
THE BBC WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE
457
00:20:25,757 --> 00:20:27,850
FOR THE CONSTANT
REPETITION IN THIS SHOW.
458
00:20:29,628 --> 00:20:31,892
THE BBC WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE
459
00:20:31,930 --> 00:20:34,956
FOR THE CONSTANT
REPETITION IN THIS SHOW.
460
00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:36,934
Man:
WHEE, WHOOPS!
461
00:20:36,969 --> 00:20:40,063
Man 2:
OH, WHOOPS-A-DAISY!
462
00:20:40,105 --> 00:20:42,073
(men whooping)
463
00:20:42,107 --> 00:20:46,168
(sproinging)
464
00:20:46,211 --> 00:20:49,408
(laughter)
465
00:20:53,719 --> 00:20:56,313
(whimpers)
466
00:20:56,355 --> 00:20:58,323
(thumping)
467
00:20:58,357 --> 00:21:00,917
(gruffly):
SHUT UP, ALL OF YOU UP THERE.
468
00:21:00,959 --> 00:21:03,826
WHAT? CAN'T A GUY GET
SOME SLEEP AROUND HERE?
469
00:21:03,862 --> 00:21:06,262
A LITTLE PEACE
AND QUIET'S ALL I WANT.
470
00:21:06,298 --> 00:21:08,528
SHUT UP RIGHT NOW
OR I'M COMING UP.
471
00:21:08,567 --> 00:21:12,526
(chicken clucking)
472
00:21:17,876 --> 00:21:18,843
I...
473
00:21:18,877 --> 00:21:20,242
HOPE...
474
00:21:20,279 --> 00:21:21,576
YOU'RE...
475
00:21:21,613 --> 00:21:22,671
EN...
476
00:21:22,748 --> 00:21:23,840
JOY...
477
00:21:23,882 --> 00:21:25,110
ING...
478
00:21:25,150 --> 00:21:26,617
THIS!
479
00:21:28,287 --> 00:21:30,312
Dispatcher:
ATTENTION.
480
00:21:30,355 --> 00:21:33,324
THERE'S BEEN A NASTY
FIVE-FROG CURSE NEAR THE M4.
481
00:21:33,358 --> 00:21:35,417
PROCEED IMMEDIATELY TO THE AREA.
482
00:21:35,460 --> 00:21:37,690
(siren wails, frogs croak)
483
00:21:37,796 --> 00:21:38,694
Man:
OH, DEAR.
484
00:21:38,797 --> 00:21:39,695
Man 2:
LOOKS BAD.
485
00:21:39,798 --> 00:21:40,958
Man 3:
MMM, VERY BAD.
486
00:21:40,999 --> 00:21:42,159
Man 4:
QUITE AGREED.
487
00:21:42,200 --> 00:21:43,599
Man 1:
ONLY WAY THING TO DO
488
00:21:43,635 --> 00:21:45,626
WITH A MULTIPLE FROG
CURSE LIKE THIS.
489
00:21:45,671 --> 00:21:47,571
Man 4:
RIGHTO, GET THE MAGIC WAND.
490
00:21:47,606 --> 00:21:48,903
Man 3:
CLEAR THE AREA.
491
00:21:48,940 --> 00:21:50,999
FIRE!
492
00:21:51,043 --> 00:21:53,477
(explosion)
493
00:21:55,147 --> 00:21:58,548
(in loud, slow unison):
THANK YOU!
494
00:21:58,583 --> 00:22:05,921
AND NOW A SKETCH ABOUT A CHEMIST
495
00:22:05,957 --> 00:22:11,156
CALLED "THE CHEMIST SKETCH"!
496
00:22:13,365 --> 00:22:16,493
RIGHT, I'VE GOT SOME OF
YOUR PRESCRIPTIONS HERE.
497
00:22:16,535 --> 00:22:17,934
UH, WHO'S
GOT THE POX?
498
00:22:17,969 --> 00:22:20,938
(laughter)
499
00:22:22,140 --> 00:22:24,404
COME ON, WHO'S GOT THE POX?
500
00:22:24,443 --> 00:22:26,138
COME ON!
COME...
501
00:22:26,178 --> 00:22:27,440
(laughter)
502
00:22:27,479 --> 00:22:29,208
CATCH.
503
00:22:29,247 --> 00:22:32,148
WHO'S GOT A BOIL ON THE BUM?
504
00:22:32,184 --> 00:22:34,049
BOIL ON THE BOTTY.
505
00:22:34,086 --> 00:22:35,917
WHO'S GOT THE CHEST RASH?
506
00:22:37,789 --> 00:22:39,689
HAVE TO GET A BIGGER BOTTLE.
507
00:22:39,791 --> 00:22:40,689
(laughter)
508
00:22:40,792 --> 00:22:42,919
WHO'S GOT... WHO'S GOT WIND?
509
00:22:43,929 --> 00:22:44,896
CATCH.
510
00:22:44,930 --> 00:22:46,989
THE BBC WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE
511
00:22:47,032 --> 00:22:50,433
FOR THE POOR QUALITY
OF THE WRITING IN THAT SKETCH.
512
00:22:50,469 --> 00:22:53,097
IT IS NOT BBC POLICY
TO GET EASY LAUGHS
513
00:22:53,138 --> 00:22:55,800
WITH WORDS LIKE "BUM,"
"KNICKERS," "BOTTY"
514
00:22:55,841 --> 00:22:57,274
OR "WEE-WEES"...SHH!
515
00:22:57,309 --> 00:22:58,276
(laughter)
516
00:22:58,310 --> 00:22:59,572
THESE ARE THE WORDS
517
00:22:59,611 --> 00:23:02,375
WHICH ARE NOT TO BE USED
AGAIN ON THIS PROGRAM.
518
00:23:03,882 --> 00:23:06,146
(light laughter)
519
00:23:14,593 --> 00:23:15,787
(laughter)
520
00:23:15,827 --> 00:23:16,851
SEMPRINI!?
521
00:23:16,895 --> 00:23:17,884
OUT!
522
00:23:19,164 --> 00:23:23,032
RIGHT, WHO'S GOT A BOIL
ON HIS SEMPRINI, THEN?
523
00:23:23,068 --> 00:23:24,126
(laughter)
524
00:23:29,608 --> 00:23:30,575
GOOD MORNING.
525
00:23:30,609 --> 00:23:31,940
GOOD MORNING, SIR.
526
00:23:31,977 --> 00:23:34,673
GOOD MORNING, I'D LIKE
SOME AFTERSHAVE, PLEASE.
527
00:23:34,713 --> 00:23:36,476
CERTAINLY, SIR, WALK
THIS WAY, PLEASE.
528
00:23:36,515 --> 00:23:37,607
IF I COULD
WALK THAT WAY
529
00:23:37,649 --> 00:23:38,946
I WOULDN'T NEED
AFTERSHAVE.
530
00:23:38,984 --> 00:23:43,387
(laughter)
531
00:23:43,422 --> 00:23:44,389
GOOD MORNING.
532
00:23:44,423 --> 00:23:45,390
GOOD MORNING, SIR.
533
00:23:45,424 --> 00:23:46,391
CAN I HELP YOU?
534
00:23:46,425 --> 00:23:48,120
YES, I'D LIKE SOME AFTERSHAVE.
535
00:23:48,160 --> 00:23:52,290
AH, A TOILET
REQUISIT-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T.
536
00:23:52,330 --> 00:23:54,491
WOULD YOU LIKE
TO TRY THIS, SIR?
537
00:23:54,533 --> 00:23:56,000
IT'S OUR
VERY LATEST.
538
00:23:56,034 --> 00:23:57,661
IT'S CALLED
"SEA MIST."
539
00:23:57,702 --> 00:23:59,693
(dubiously): MMM,
I QUITE LIKE IT.
540
00:23:59,738 --> 00:24:01,968
HOW ABOUT SOMETHING
A LITTLE MORE MUSKY?
541
00:24:02,007 --> 00:24:03,406
THIS ONE'S
CALLED "MIMMO."
542
00:24:03,442 --> 00:24:04,568
MMM, NOT REALLY, NO.
543
00:24:04,609 --> 00:24:06,577
HAVE YOU ANYTHING
A LITTLE FISHIER?
544
00:24:06,611 --> 00:24:07,578
FISHIER?
545
00:24:07,612 --> 00:24:08,636
FISHIER.
546
00:24:08,680 --> 00:24:10,545
FISH, FISH, FISH.
547
00:24:10,582 --> 00:24:14,018
A FISHY REQUISIT-T-T-T-T-T-T-T.
548
00:24:14,052 --> 00:24:15,747
LIKE HALIBUT OR SEA BASS.
549
00:24:15,787 --> 00:24:16,651
OR BREAM?
550
00:24:16,688 --> 00:24:17,882
YES.
551
00:24:17,923 --> 00:24:19,948
NO, WE HAVEN'T
GOT ANY OF THAT.
552
00:24:19,991 --> 00:24:22,459
UH, I'VE GOT MACKEREL
OR COD OR HAKE.
553
00:24:22,494 --> 00:24:24,052
YOU HAVEN'T
GOT ANYTHING
554
00:24:24,095 --> 00:24:25,653
A LITTLE MORE
HALIBUTISH?
555
00:24:25,764 --> 00:24:26,662
UH... PARROT?
556
00:24:26,765 --> 00:24:27,663
(laughter)
557
00:24:27,766 --> 00:24:29,256
WHAT'S THAT
DOING THERE?
558
00:24:29,301 --> 00:24:31,462
OR SKATE WITH JUST
A HINT OF PRAWN.
559
00:24:31,503 --> 00:24:34,165
OR CRAB, TIGER AND ALMONDS...
VERY UNUSUAL.
560
00:24:34,206 --> 00:24:36,504
I REALLY HAD MY HEART
SET ON HALIBUT.
561
00:24:36,541 --> 00:24:39,169
WELL, SIR, WE HAD A FISHY
CONSIGNMENT IN THIS MORNING
562
00:24:39,211 --> 00:24:40,940
SO I COULD NIP
DOWN TO THE BASEMENT
563
00:24:40,979 --> 00:24:42,537
AND SEE IF I CAN COME UP TRUMPS
564
00:24:42,581 --> 00:24:44,674
WITH THIS PARTICULAR
REQUISIT-T-T-T-T-T-T-T.
565
00:24:44,783 --> 00:24:46,011
SO IT WAS HALIBUT OR?
566
00:24:46,051 --> 00:24:47,848
SEA BASS.
567
00:24:47,886 --> 00:24:50,582
SEA BASS! WON'T BE
A MOMENT-T-T-T-T-T.
568
00:24:54,159 --> 00:24:56,024
SORRY ABOUT THIS.
569
00:24:56,061 --> 00:24:59,189
(hums)
570
00:24:59,231 --> 00:25:03,031
NORMALLY WE TRY AND AVOID THESE
LITTLE PAUSES... "LONGEURS"...
571
00:25:03,068 --> 00:25:06,765
ONLY DRAMATICALLY HE'S GONE
DOWN TO THE BASEMENT, YOU SEE.
572
00:25:06,805 --> 00:25:09,171
COURSE, THERE ISN'T
REALLY A BASEMENT.
573
00:25:09,207 --> 00:25:11,471
BUT HE JUST GOES OFF
AND WE PRETEND.
574
00:25:11,510 --> 00:25:13,034
(laughter)
575
00:25:13,078 --> 00:25:16,445
ACTUALLY WHAT HAPPENS IS HE
JUST GOES OFF THERE OFF-CAMERA
576
00:25:16,481 --> 00:25:17,914
AND JUST WAITS THERE
577
00:25:17,949 --> 00:25:21,043
SO IT LOOKS AS THOUGH HE'S
GONE DOWN TO THE BASEMENT.
578
00:25:21,086 --> 00:25:22,348
(laughter)
579
00:25:22,387 --> 00:25:24,753
ACTUALLY I THINK HE'S
RATHER OVERDOING IT.
580
00:25:24,789 --> 00:25:25,813
AH!
581
00:25:25,857 --> 00:25:27,586
(laughter)
582
00:25:27,626 --> 00:25:30,026
(panting)
583
00:25:30,061 --> 00:25:31,585
AH, SORRY, SIR.
584
00:25:31,630 --> 00:25:33,825
A LOT OF STEPS.
585
00:25:33,865 --> 00:25:36,629
WELL, I'M AFRAID IT DIDN'T
COME IN THIS MORNING, SIR
586
00:25:36,668 --> 00:25:39,296
BUT WE HAVE GOT SOME DOWN
AT OUR KENSINGTON BRANCH.
587
00:25:39,337 --> 00:25:41,635
I'LL JUST NIP DOWN THERE
AND GET IT FOR YOU.
588
00:25:41,673 --> 00:25:42,662
HOW LONG WILL THAT BE?
589
00:25:42,741 --> 00:25:44,504
TWENTY MINUTES.
590
00:25:44,543 --> 00:25:45,976
TWENTY MINUTES!?
591
00:25:48,179 --> 00:25:50,875
(hums)
592
00:25:50,916 --> 00:25:51,905
PSST!
593
00:25:54,653 --> 00:25:59,681
OH, I WONDER WHAT OTHER PEOPLE
USE FOR AFTERSHAVE LOTION.
594
00:25:59,791 --> 00:26:06,321
(loudly): I USE A BODY
RUB CALLED "HALITOSIS"!
595
00:26:06,364 --> 00:26:10,630
IT MAKES MY BREATH SEEM SWEET!
596
00:26:10,669 --> 00:26:17,199
I USE AN AFTERSHAVE
CALLED "SEMPRINI"!
597
00:26:17,242 --> 00:26:19,369
(laughter)
598
00:26:19,411 --> 00:26:21,174
UH, SORRY, SORRY,
CAN'T STOP NOW.
599
00:26:21,212 --> 00:26:22,907
I'VE GOT TO GET TO KENSINGTON.
600
00:26:22,948 --> 00:26:26,884
I USE TWO KINDS OF AFTERSHAVE
LOTION: FRANKINCENSE, MYRRH...
601
00:26:26,918 --> 00:26:29,045
THREE KINDS
OF AFTERSHAVE LOTION:
602
00:26:29,087 --> 00:26:30,884
FRANKINCENSE, MYRRH, SAN...
603
00:26:30,922 --> 00:26:34,153
FOUR KINDS OF AFTERSHAVE
LOTION: FRANKINCENSE...
604
00:26:34,192 --> 00:26:38,925
I HAVE A COLD SHOWER EVERY
MORNING JUST BEFORE I GO MAD
605
00:26:38,964 --> 00:26:43,628
AND THEN I GO MAD ONE, MAD TWO,
MAD THREE, MAD FOUR...
606
00:26:43,668 --> 00:26:47,365
I USE RANCID POLECAT NUMBER TWO.
607
00:26:47,405 --> 00:26:51,136
IT KEEPS MY SKIN NICE AND SCALY.
608
00:26:51,176 --> 00:26:53,235
UH, SORRY AGAIN. CAN'T STOP.
609
00:26:53,278 --> 00:26:54,472
GOT TO GET BACK.
610
00:26:54,512 --> 00:26:55,479
(laughter)
611
00:26:55,513 --> 00:26:56,537
(panting):
WHOO!
612
00:26:56,581 --> 00:26:58,310
WELL, I'M AFRAID
THEY DON'T HAVE ANY
613
00:26:58,350 --> 00:26:59,476
IN OUR KENSINGTON
BRANCH
614
00:26:59,517 --> 00:27:01,417
BUT WE HAVE GOT SOME
DOWN IN THE DEPOT.
615
00:27:01,453 --> 00:27:02,420
WHERE'S THAT?
616
00:27:02,454 --> 00:27:03,421
ABERDEEN.
617
00:27:03,455 --> 00:27:04,422
ABERDEEN!?
618
00:27:04,456 --> 00:27:06,083
IT'S ALL RIGHT;
YOU WAIT HERE.
619
00:27:06,124 --> 00:27:07,148
I'VE GOT A CAR.
620
00:27:07,192 --> 00:27:08,784
NO, NO, NO,
I'LL TAKE THE OTHER...
621
00:27:08,827 --> 00:27:10,124
THE CRAB,
TIGER AND...
622
00:27:10,161 --> 00:27:11,788
ALMOND REQUISIT-T-T-T-T-T?
623
00:27:11,830 --> 00:27:12,819
I'LL TAKE IT.
624
00:27:16,434 --> 00:27:18,334
(humming)
625
00:27:18,370 --> 00:27:20,497
(laughter)
626
00:27:24,309 --> 00:27:25,640
(whistles loudly)
627
00:27:25,710 --> 00:27:28,304
RIGHT! RIGHT! RIGHT!
628
00:27:28,346 --> 00:27:29,779
NOW, THEN, NOW, THEN!
629
00:27:29,814 --> 00:27:30,781
YOUR TURN.
630
00:27:30,815 --> 00:27:32,180
AREN'T YOU
GOING TO SAY
631
00:27:32,217 --> 00:27:33,343
"WHAT'S ALL THIS, THEN?"
632
00:27:33,385 --> 00:27:35,046
OH, RIGHT...
WHAT'S ALL THIS, THEN?
633
00:27:35,086 --> 00:27:37,020
THIS MAN HAS BEEN
SHOPLIFTING, OFFICER.
634
00:27:37,055 --> 00:27:38,022
OH, YES?
635
00:27:38,056 --> 00:27:39,148
YES.
636
00:27:39,190 --> 00:27:40,657
ARE YOU TRYING
TO TELL ME MY JOB?
637
00:27:40,759 --> 00:27:42,386
UH, NO, BUT HE'S
BEEN SHOPLIFTING.
638
00:27:42,427 --> 00:27:43,655
LOOK, I MUST WARN YOU
639
00:27:43,728 --> 00:27:45,753
THAT ANYTHING YOU MAY
SAY WILL BE IGNORED.
640
00:27:45,797 --> 00:27:47,526
AND FURTHERMORE,
GIVEN HALF A CHANCE
641
00:27:47,565 --> 00:27:50,125
I'LL PUT MY FIST THROUGH
YOUR TEETH... F'TANG! F'TANG!
642
00:27:50,168 --> 00:27:51,567
BUT OFFICER,
THIS MAN HERE...
643
00:27:51,603 --> 00:27:53,036
LOOK, I'VE HAD
ENOUGH OF YOU.
644
00:27:53,071 --> 00:27:54,504
YOU'RE UNDER
ARREST.
645
00:27:54,539 --> 00:27:56,564
(imitates airplane
zooming and firing)
646
00:27:56,608 --> 00:27:59,543
OFFICER, IT WASN'T HIM;
HE'S THE SHOPLIFTER.
647
00:27:59,577 --> 00:28:00,601
NO, I'M NOT.
648
00:28:00,645 --> 00:28:02,169
HE'S NOT; I'M
A WITNESS.
649
00:28:02,213 --> 00:28:03,942
LOOK, ONE MORE PEEP
OUT OF YOU
650
00:28:03,982 --> 00:28:05,609
AND I'LL DO YOU FOR HERESY.
651
00:28:05,684 --> 00:28:06,912
HERESY!?
652
00:28:06,951 --> 00:28:09,010
BLIMEY, I DIDN'T EXPECT
THE SPANISH INQUISITION.
653
00:28:09,054 --> 00:28:11,318
SHUT UP! F'TANG, F'TANG!
654
00:28:11,356 --> 00:28:12,618
OOH, THAT'S NICE. RIGHT!
655
00:28:12,691 --> 00:28:14,591
I'M TAKING YOU ALONG
TO THE STATION.
656
00:28:14,626 --> 00:28:15,718
WHAT FOR?
657
00:28:15,760 --> 00:28:18,251
I'M CHARGING YOU
WITH ILLEGAL POSSESSION
658
00:28:18,296 --> 00:28:21,356
OF WHATEVER WE HAPPEN TO
HAVE DOWN THERE... RIGHT!
659
00:28:21,399 --> 00:28:23,526
LUNAR MODULE
CALLING BUZZ ALDRIN.
660
00:28:23,568 --> 00:28:24,592
COME IN.
661
00:28:24,636 --> 00:28:25,830
(imitates plane)
662
00:28:25,870 --> 00:28:28,634
♪ RAINDROPS KEEP FALLING
ON MY HEAD ♪
663
00:28:28,673 --> 00:28:30,573
♪ BUT THAT DOESN'T
MEAN THAT... ♪
664
00:28:30,608 --> 00:28:33,168
THE BBC WOULD LIKE
TO APOLOGIZE TO THE POLICE
665
00:28:33,211 --> 00:28:35,907
ABOUT THE CHARACTER
OF POLICE CONSTABLE PAN AM.
666
00:28:35,947 --> 00:28:39,212
HE WAS NOT MEANT TO REPRESENT
THE A VERAGE POLICE OFFICER.
667
00:28:39,250 --> 00:28:42,344
SIMILARLY, THE REFERENCE TO
BUZZ ALDRIN, THE ASTRONAUT
668
00:28:42,387 --> 00:28:44,480
WAS THE PRODUCT
OF A DISORDERED MIND
669
00:28:44,522 --> 00:28:48,014
AND SHOULD NOT BE CONSTRUED AS
HAVING ANY OTHER SIGNIFICANCE.
670
00:28:48,059 --> 00:28:51,153
("Star Spangled Banner" plays)
671
00:29:20,125 --> 00:29:26,894
(in slow, loud unison): AND NOW FOR
SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT!
672
00:29:26,931 --> 00:29:29,229
(tittering)
673
00:29:29,267 --> 00:29:31,098
(audience laughter)
674
00:29:31,136 --> 00:29:36,233
OH! THAT WAS FUN!
675
00:29:36,274 --> 00:29:39,471
AND NOW...
676
00:29:39,511 --> 00:29:41,138
(not in unison):
THE END! THE END!
677
00:29:43,000 --> 00:29:47,000
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll