Announcer: HERE IS A PREVIEW
OF SOME OF THE PROGRAMS YOU'LL BE ABLE TO SEE
COMING SHORTLY ON BBC TELEVISION.
TO KICK OFF WITH, THERE'S VARIETY.
PETER WESTAND BRIAN JOHNSON STAR IN RAIN STOPPED PLAY
A WACKY NEW COMEDY SERIES
ABOUT THE GAY EXPLOITS OF TWO TELEVISION CRICKET COMMENTATORS
WITH E.W. SWANTON AS AGGIE, THE KOOKY SCOTS MAID.
FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T LIKE VARIETY, THERE'S VARIETY
WITH BRIAN CLOSE AT THE TALK OF THE TOWN.
AND OF COURSE, THERE'LL BE SPORT.
THE CLASSICS SERIES RETURN TO BBC 2
WITH 26 EPISODES OF JOHN GALSWORTHY'S "SNOOKER MY WA Y"
WITH NYREE DAWN PORTER REPEATING HER TRIUMPH
AS JOE DA VIS.
AND OF COURSE, THERE'LL BE SPORT.
COMEDY IS NOT FORGOTTEN, WITH JIM LAKER
IN 13 WEEKS OF OFFSPIN BOWLING.
JIM PLAYS THE ZANY BACHELOR BOWLER
IN A NEW SERIES, OWZAT
WITH ANNELEY DRUMMOND-HA YE, ON MR. SOFTEE, AS HIS WIFE.
AND OF COURSE, THERE'LL BE SPORT.
PANORAMA WILL BE RETURNING
INTRODUCED AS USUAL BY TONY JACKLIN
AND LULU WILL BE TACKLING THE OLD MAN OF HOY.
AND FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO PREFER DRAMA, THERE'S SPORT.
ON SHOW OF THE WEEK, KENNETH WOSTENHOLME SINGS.
AND FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T LIKE TELEVISION
THERE'S DAVID COLEMAN.
AND OF COURSE, THERE'LL BE SPORT.
BUT NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT...
SPORT.
(Sousa's "Liberty Bell March" playing)
MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS.
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll
(music ends with a rude noise)
(wind blowing)
(wind instruments play ethereal tune)
(banging and sawing)
(roaring '2Os dance music plays)
(recording wobbles and slows to a stop)
(metal clangs)
(fly buzzing)
(hammer pounds nail)
(more hammering)
Man: GO ON. BLIMEY!
LOOK WHAT WE FOUND!
(men mutter enthusiastically)
Man: WHAT AN AMAZING FIND.
Man 2: IT REALLY IS FANTASTIC.
Man 1: IT'S THE ARCHAEOLOGICAL FIND OF THE CENTURY.
Man 2: IT IS, INDEED, INDEED, INDEED.
Man 1: GENTLEMEN, FROM THIS SINGLE PART
AND MONTHS OF PAINSTAKING RESEARCH
WE HAVE BEEN ABLE TO ACCURATELY RECONSTRUCT THIS ENTIRE BEAST.
(audience laughter)
HELLO.
ON ARCHAEOLOGY TODAY TONIGHT
I HAVE WITH ME PROFESSOR LUCIEN KASTNER
OF OSLO UNIVERSITY.
GOOD EVENING.
HOW TALL ARE YOU, PROFESSOR?
I BEG YOUR PARDON?
HOW TALL ARE YOU?
I'M ABOUT FIVE FOOT TEN.
AND AN EXPERT IN EGYPTIAN TOMB PAINTINGS
SIR ROBERT... ARE YOU REALLY FIVE FOOT TEN?
YES.
FUNNY, YOU LOOK MUCH SHORTER THAN THAT TO ME.
ARE YOU SLUMPED FORWARD IN YOUR CHAIR AT ALL?
UH, NO, I, I...
EXTRAORDINARY.
SIR ROBERT EVERSLEY
WHO'S JUST RETURNED FROM THE EXCAVATIONS AT EL ARA
AND WHO MUST BE WELL OVER SIX FOOT.
ISN'T THAT RIGHT, SIR ROBERT?
YES.
IN FACT, I THINK
YOU'RE SIX FOOT FIVE, AREN'T YOU?
UH, YES.
(canned applause)
OH, THAT'S MARVELOUS.
I MEAN, YOU'RE
A TOTALLY DIFFERENT KIND OF SPECIMEN
TO PROFESSOR KASTNER.
STRAIGHT IN YOUR SEAT
ERECT, FIRM...
YES. I THOUGHT WE WERE HERE
TO DISCUSS ARCHAEOLOGY.
YES, YES, OF COURSE WE ARE.
YES, ABSOLUTELY, YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!
THAT'S POSITIVE THINKING FOR YOU.
YOU WOULDN'T HAVE SAID A THING LIKE THAT, WOULD YOU
YOU FIVE-FOOT-TEN-INCH WEED?
(audience laughter)
SIR ROBERT EVERSLEY... WHO'S VERY INTERESTING...
WHAT HAVE YOU DISCOVERED
IN THE EXCAVATIONS AT EL ARA?
WELL, BASICALLY, WE HAVE FOUND
A COMPLEX OF TOMBS...
VERY GOOD SPEAKING VOICE.
WHICH PRESENT DRAMATIC EVIDENCE
OF POLYNESIAN INFLUENCE
IN EGYPT IN THE THIRD DYNASTY
WHICH IS QUITE REMARKABLE.
HOW TALL WERE THE POLYNESIANS?
THEY WERE...
SHH!
WELL, THEY WERE RATHER SMALL, SEAFARING...
SHORT MEN, WERE THEY... ALL SQUAT AND BENT UP?
WELL, I REALLY DON'T KNOW.
WHO WERE THE TALL PEOPLE?
I'M AFRAID I DON'T KNOW.
WHO'S THAT VERY TALL TRIBE IN AFRICA?
WELL, THIS IS HARDLY ARCHAEOLOGY.
THE WATUTSI, THAT'S IT, THE WATUTSI!
OH, THAT'S THE TRIBE.
SOME OF THEM WERE EIGHT FOOT TALL.
OH! CAN YOU IMAGINE THAT?
EIGHT FOOT OF WATUTSI.
NOT ONE ON ANOTHER'S SHOULDERS, OH, NO!
EIGHT FOOT OF SOLID WATUTSI!
THAT'S WHAT I CALL TALL.
YES, BUT IT'S NOTHING TO DO WITH ARCHAEOLOGY.
OH, TO HELL WITH ARCHAEOLOGY!
(loud shattering)
(shouting): MAY I PLEASE SPEAK?
(quavering): I CAME ALL THE WAY FROM OSLO
TO DO THIS PROGRAM.
I'M A PROFESSOR OF ARCHAEOLOGY!
I'M AN EXPERT IN ANCIENT CIVILIZATIONS.
ALL RIGHT, I'M ONLY FIVE FOOT TEN.
ALL RIGHT, MY POSTURE IS BAD
ALL RIGHT, I SLUMP IN MY CHAIR.
BUT I'VE HAD MORE WOMEN THAN EITHER OF YOU TWO!
(hysterically): I'VE HAD HALF OF BLOODY NORWAY
THAT'S WHAT I'VE HAD!
SO, YOU CAN KEEP YOUR ROBERT EVERSLEY!
AND KEEP YOUR BLOODY WATUTSI!
(shrieking): I'D RATHER HAVE MY LITTLE BODY!
MY LITTLE, FIVE-FOOT- TEN-INCH BODY.
(sobbing)
BLOODY FOOL, LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO HIM.
DON'T "BLOODY FOOL" ME.
I'LL DO WHAT I LIKE
BECAUSE I'M SIX FOOT FIVE
AND I EAT PUNKS LIKE YOU FOR BREAKFAST.
I'LL GET YOU FOR THAT, EVERSLEY!
I'LL GET YOU IF I HAVE TO TRAVEL
TO THE FOUR CORNERS OF THE EARTH!
(western-film theme music playing)
(traditional Egyptian music playing)
Woman: THE DIG WAS GOING WELL THAT YEAR.
WE'D DISCOVERED SOME HITTITE BAKING DISHES
FROM THE FIFTH DYNASTY.
AND SIR ROBERT WAS HAPPIER THAN I'D EVER SEEN HIM.
(with organ accompaniment)
♪ TODAY... I HEAR THE ROBIN SING ♪
♪ TODAY... THE THRUSH IS ON THE WING ♪
♪ TODAY WHO KNOWS WHAT LIFE WILL BRING ♪
♪ TODAY... ♪
(aghast): WHY!
A SUMERIAN DRINKING VESSEL OF THE FOURTH DYNASTY.
♪ TODAY... ♪
CATALOGUE THIS POT, DANIELLE.
IT'S... FOURTH DYNASTY.
(joyously): OH! IS IT?
YES, IT'S... SUMERIAN.
OH, HOW WONDERFUL!
OH, I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU.
I'M HAPPY, TOO.
NOW AT LAST WE KNOW THERE WAS A SUMERIAN INFLUENCE
HERE IN ABU SIMNEL IN THE EARLY PRE-DYNASTIC PERIOD
2,000 YEARS BEFORE THE REIGN OF TUTANKHAMEN.
♪ TODAY... I HEAR THE ROBIN SING ♪
♪ TODAY... THE THRUSH IS ON THE WING ♪
♪ TODAY WHO KNOWS WHAT LIFE WILL BRING... ♪
(music ends discordantly)
ALL RIGHT, EVERSLEY, GET UP OUT OF THAT TRENCH.
DON'T FORGET...
I'M SIX FOOT FIVE.
THAT DOESN'T WORRY ME.
KASTNER!
(whining): HERE, LORD.
UP!
(grunts)
ELEVEN FOOT THREE?
(maniacally): I'M SO TALL! I AM SO TALL!
DANIELLE.
(grunts daintily)
ELEVEN FOOT SIX.
DAMN YOU!
ABDUL!
FIFTEEN FOOT FOUR!
MUSTAPHA!
NINETEEN FOOT THREE!
DAMN YOU!
(all grunting breathlessly)
(fists smacking)
(yelping and shouting)
(smacking and shouting continue)
(woman screams)
(men grunting)
UH, AND THERE WE END THIS EDITION OF ARCHAEOLOGY TODAY.
NEXT WEEK, THE SILBURY DIG BY COLE PORTER
WITH PEARL BAILEY AND ARTHUR NEGUS.
(groans)
AND NOWAN APPEAL FOR SANITY
FROM THE REVEREND ARTHUR BELLING.
YOU KNOW, THERE ARE MANY PEOPLE IN THE COUNTRY TODAY
WHO, THROUGH NO FAULT OF THEIR OWN, ARE SANE.
SOME OF THEM WERE BORN SANE.
SOME OF THEM BECAME SANE LATER IN THEIR LIVES.
IT IS UP TO PEOPLE LIKE YOU AND ME
WHO ARE OUT OF OUR TINY LITTLE MINDS...
(laughter)
TO TRY AND HELP THESE PEOPLE OVERCOME THEIR SANITY.
YOU CAN START IN SMALL WAYS
WITH PING-PONG BALL EYES AND A FUNNY VOICE
AND THEN YOU CAN PAINT HALF OF YOUR BODY RED
AND THE OTHER HALF GREEN
AND THEN YOU CAN JUMP UP AND DOWN IN A BOWL OF TREACLE
GOING...
(squawking loudly)
AND THEN YOU CAN GO, "NEURH, NEURH, NEURH!"
AND THEN YOU CAN ROLL AROUND ON THE FLOOR
GOING "PTING, PTING, PTING, PTING."
Man: THE REVEREND ARTHUR BELLING
IS VICAR OF ST. LOONY UP THE CREAM BUN AND JAM.
AND NOW...
GOOD EVENING.
MY NAME IS LEAPY LEE.
NO, SORRY... THAT'S THE NAME OF ME FAVORITE SINGER.
MY NAME IS MRS. FRED STOLLE.
NO, NO, MRS. FRED STOLLE IS
THE WIFE OF ME FAVORITE TENNIS PLAYER.
MY NAME IS BANANAS.
NO, NO, THAT'S ME FAVORITE FRUIT.
I'M MRS. A-NICE-EVENING- OUT-TO-THE-PICTURES-
THEN-PERHAPS-A-DANCE-AT-A-CLUB- THEN-BACK-TO-HIS-PLACE-
FOR-A-QUICK-CUP-OF-COFFEE- AND-A-LITTLE-BIT-OF...
NO, NO, SORRY.
THAT'S ME FAVORITE WAY OF SPENDING A NIGHT OUT.
PERHAPS I AM LEAPY LEE.
YES! I MUST BE LEAPY LEE!
HELLO, FANS. LEAPY LEE HERE.
♪ LITTLE ARROWS THAT WILL... ♪
(phone rings)
HELLO?
EVIDENTLY I'M NOT LEAPY LEE.
I THOUGHT I PROBABLY WOULDN'T BE.
THANK YOU, I'LL TELL THEM.
HELLO, DENIS COMPTON HERE.
NO, NO. I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN IT DOWN.
NOW, WHERE'S THAT NUMBER?
I'M MAO ZEDONG.
I'M P.P. ARNOLD.
I'M MARGARET THATCHER.
I'M SIR GERALD NABARRO.
HELLO? SIR LEN HUTTON HERE.
COULD YOU TELL ME, PLEASE...
OH, AM I?
OH, THANK YOU.
GOOD EVENING.
I'M MRS. WHAT-NUMBER-ARE- YOU-DIALING-PLEASE?
GOOD MORNING.
ARE YOU THE REGISTRAR?
I HAVE THAT FUNCTION.
WELL, I WAS HERE ON SATURDAY
GETTING MARRIED TO A BLOND GIRL
AND I'D LIKE TO CHANGE, PLEASE.
I'D LIKE TO HAVE THIS ONE INSTEAD, PLEASE.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
WELL, THE OTHER ONE
WASN'T ANY GOOD
SO I'D LIKE TO SWAP IT FOR THIS ONE, PLEASE.
I HAVE PAID; I PAID ON SATURDAY.
HERE'S THE TICKET.
AH, NO, THAT WAS WHEN YOU WERE MARRIED.
YES, THAT WAS WHEN I WAS MARRIED TO THE WRONG ONE.
I DIDN'T LIKE THE COLOR.
THIS IS THE ONE I WANT TO HAVE.
SO, IF YOU COULD JUST CHANGE THE FORMS ROUND
I CAN TAKE THIS ONE BACK WITH ME NOW.
I CAN'T DO THAT.
LOOK, MAKE IT SIMPLE, I'LL PAY AGAIN.
NO, YOU CAN'T DO THAT.
LOOK, ALL I WANT YOU TO DO
IS CHANGE THE WIFE
SAY THE WORDS, "BLAH, BLAH, BLAH"
BACK TO MY PLACE, NO QUESTIONS ASKED.
I'M SORRY, SIR, BUT WE'RE NOT ALLOWED TO CHANGE.
YOU CAN AT HARRODS.
YOU CAN'T.
YOU CAN; I CHANGED MY RECORD PLAYER
AND THERE WASN'T A GRUMBLE.
IT'S DIFFERENT.
AND I CHANGED MY PET SNAKE.
AND I CHANGED MY ROBIN DAY TIE.
WELL, YOU CAN'T CHANGE A BLOODY WIFE!
OH, ALL RIGHT!
WELL, CAN I BORROW ONE FOR THE WEEKEND?
NO!
OH, BLIMEY!
I ONLY WANTED A JOLLY GOOD...
(loud whistle blows)
ALL RIGHT, BREAK IT UP.
WHAT'S YOUR NUMBER, THEN?
ALL RIGHT. NAME?
COOK.
(blows whistle)
NEXT, PLEASE. NAME?
UH, WATSON.
MR. WATSON.
UH, NO... DOCTOR.
AH, MR. DOCTOR.
NO, NOT MISTER... DOCTOR.
OH. DR. DOCTOR.
NO. DR. WATSON.
DR. WATSON DOCTOR.
OH, JUST CALL ME DARLING.
HELLO, MR. DARLING.
NO... DOCTOR!
HELLO, DOCTOR DARLING.
(whistle blows)
BUT AT WEMBLEY, PLAY HAD RESUMED.
(whistle blows)
(crowd cheering)
(bass reverberates)
MEANWHILE, NEARBY
THE DAY WAS JUST BEGINNING FOR MUGSY SPANIEL
A CONVICTED GANGSTER AND WELL-KNOWN SWELL GUY.
BREAKFAST, DEAR.
OH, THANK YOU, DEAR.
(humming)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MUGSY.
(machine gunfire)
EN JOY THE EGGS.
YES, INDEED, THIS WAS THE WORK OF NONE OTHER THAN EGGS DIAMOND
LEADER OF THE NOTORIOUS CHICKEN GANG.
(audience laughter)
(clucking)
DIMSDALE.
WITH THE CHICKEN GANG OFF THE BLOTTER
A MAN'S LIFE WASN'T WORTH THE PAPER IT WAS PRINTED ON.
ALREADY THERE HAVE BEEN MURDERS COMMITTED HERE AND HERE
AND THE LATEST ONE RIGHT HERE.
(gun fires)
HE'S RIGHT, YOU KNOW.
(gasps)
THE POWERFUL FORCES EGGS HAD LOOSED ON THE CITY
WERE TO BE HIS UNDOING.
RETURN WITH US NOW TO THE HIDEOUT.
(rapid gunfire and clucking)
THESE AND OTHER FASCINATING LIES ARE YOURS FOR THE READING
IN THIS BEAUTIFULLY BOUND VOLUME.
BUY IT NOW, SUCKERS.
THIS IS AN IDEAL GIFT... A MUST FOR ALL YOU OUT THERE
WHO LONG TO SOUND CLEVER AT YOUR NEXT COCKTAIL PARTY.
AH, JOHN...
ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MY NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBOR.
JOHN STOKES
THIS IS A SNIVELING LITTLE RAT-FACED GIT.
HELLO, I NOTICED A SLIGHT LOOK OF ANXIETY
CROSS YOUR FACE FOR A MOMENT JUST THEN.
BUT YOU NEEDN'T WORRY, I'M USED TO IT.
THAT'S THE TROUBLE
OF HAVING A SURNAME LIKE "GIT."
OH... YES, YES.
WE THOUGHT ABOUT CHANGING IT BY DEED-POLL
TO WATSON OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
BUT A SNIVELING LITTLE RAT-FACED WATSON'S
JUST AS BAD, EH?
YES, YES, I SUPPOSE SO.
OH, THAT'S MY WIFE.
DARLING, COME AND MEET MR... WHAT WAS IT?
STOKES, JOHN STOKES.
OH, YES. JOHN STOKES, THIS IS MY WIFE
DREARY FAT BORING OLD.
OH, UH, HOW DO YOU DO?
(with a manly voice): HOW DO YOU DO?
DARLING, THERE YOU ARE.
YES, YES, HERE I AM, YES.
OH, IS THIS YOUR WIFE?
YES, YES, YES, THIS IS THE WIFE.
YES.
UM... DARLING, THESE...
THESE ARE THE GITS.
WHAT?
THE GITS.
OH, HEAVEN'S SAKES, WE ARE BEING FORMAL.
DOES IT HAVE TO BE SURNAMES?
OH, NO, NO.
NOT AT ALL.
UM, NO, THIS... THIS IS MY WIFE, NORAH.
UH... NORAH JANE, NORAH JANE STOKES.
THIS IS SNIVELING LITTLE RAT-FACED GIT.
AND THIS IS HIS WIFE
DREARY FAT BORING OLD GIT.
I WAS JUST TELLING YOUR HUSBAND
WHAT AN AWFUL BORE IT IS
HAVING A SURNAME LIKE GIT.
OH! OH, WELL, IT'S NOT THAT BAD.
OH, YOU'VE NO IDEA HOW THE KIDS GET TAUNTED.
WHY, ONLY LAST WEEK DIRTY LYING LITTLE TWO-FACED
CAME RUNNING HOME FROM SCHOOL, SOBBING HIS EYES OUT
AND OUR YOUNGEST, GHASTLY SPOTTY HORRIBLE VICIOUS LITTLE
IS JUST AT THE AGE
WHEN TAUNTS LIKE "SHE'S A GIT" REALLY HURT.
YES.
DO... DO YOU LIVE ROUND HERE?
YES, WE LIVE UP THE ROAD, NUMBER 49...
YOU CAN'T MISS IT.
WE'VE JUST HAD THE OUTSIDE PAINTED
WITH WARM PUS.
IT'S VERY NICE, ACTUALLY.
GOES NICELY WITH THE VOMIT AND CATARRH
WE'VE HAD SMEARED OVER THE FRONT DOOR.
I THINK WE OUGHT TO BE GOING.
WE HAVE TWO CHILDREN TO COLLECT.
OH, WELL, BRING THEM ROUND FOR TEA TOMORROW.
IT'S GHASTLY SPOTTY CROSS-EYED'S BIRTHDAY
AND SHE'S HAVING A DISEMBOWELING PARTY
FOR A FEW FRIENDS.
THE NAUSEAS WILL BE THERE, AND DOUG AND JANICE MUCUS
AND THE RECTUMS FROM SWANAGE.
AH, JOHN...
ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MY NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBOR.
JOHN, THIS IS MR. WATSON.
HELLO, I NOTICED A SLIGHT LOOK OF ANXIETY
CROSS YOUR FACE JUST THEN
BUT YOU NEEDN'T WORRY...
I PREFERRED THE DIRTY VERSION.
WELL, I'VE BEEN A HUNTER ALL MY LIFE.
I LOVE ANIMALS.
THAT'S WHY I LIKE TO KILL 'EM.
I WOULDN'T KILL AN ANIMAL I DIDN'T LIKE.
GOOD DAY, ROY.
Narrator: HANK AND ROY SPIM ARE TOUGH, FEARLESS BACKWOODSMEN
WHO HAVE CHOSEN TO LIVE
IN A VIOLENT, UNRELENTING WORLD OF NATURE'S CREATURES
WHERE ONLY THE FITTEST SURVIVE.
TODAY THEY ARE OFF TO HUNT MOSQUITOES.
Roy: THE MOSQUITO'S A CLEVER LITTLE BASTARD.
YOU CAN TRACK HIM FOR DAYS AND DAYS
UNTIL YOU REALLY GET TO KNOW HIM LIKE A FRIEND.
HE KNOWS YOU'RE THERE, AND YOU KNOW HE'S THERE.
IT'S A GAME OF WITS.
YOU HATE HIM, THEN YOU RESPECT HIM
THEN YOU KILL HIM.
Narrator: SUDDENLY, HANK SPOTS THE MOSQUITO THEY'RE AFTER.
NOW MORE THAN EVER
THEY MUST RELY ON THE SKILLS THEY HAVE LEARNT
FROM A LIFETIME'S HUNTING.
HANK GAUGES THE WIND.
ROY EXAMINES THE MOSQUITO'S SPOOR.
THEN...
IT'S A SUCCESS.
THE MOSQUITO NOW IS DEAD.
BUT ROY MUST MAKE SURE.
Roy: THERE'S NOTHING MORE DANGEROUS THAN A WOUNDED MOSQUITO.
Narrator: BUT THE HUNT IS NOT OVER.
WITH WELL-PRACTICED SKILL, HANK SKINS THE MOSQUITO.
THE WINGS OF A FULLY GROWN MALE MOSQUITO CAN FETCH ANYTHING
UP TO.8 OF A PENNY ON THE OPEN MARKET.
THE LONG DAY IS OVER
AND IT'S BACK TO BASE CAMP FOR A NIGHT'S REST.
HERE, SURROUNDED BY THEIR TROPHIES
ROY AND HANK PREPARE FOR A MUCH TOUGHER ORDEAL... A MOTH HUNT.
WELL, I FOLLOW THE MOTH IN THE HELICOPTER
TO LURE IT AWAY FROM THE FLOWERS
AND THEN ROY COMES ALONG IN THE LOCKHEED STAR FIGHTER
AND ATTACKS IT WITH AIR-TO-AIR MISSILES.
A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE ASKED US
WHY WE DON'T USE FLY SPRAY.
WELL, WHERE'S THE SPORT IN THAT?
Narrator: FOR ROY, SPORT IS EVERYTHING.
EVER SINCE HE LOST HIS LEFT ARM BATTLING WITH AN ANT
ROY HAS RISKED HIS LIFE IN THE PURSUIT OF TINY CREATURES.
BUT IT'S NOT ALL WORK, AND FOR RELAXATION
THEY LIKE NOTHING MORE THAN A DAY'S FISHING.
WHEREVER THERE IS A CHALLENGE, HANK AND ROY SPIM WILL BE THERE
READY TO CARRY ON THE PRIMORDIAL STRUGGLE
BETWEEN MAN AND INOFFENSIVE, TINY INSECTS.
OH, I'VE HAD SUCH A MORNING
IN THE HIGH COURT.
I COULD STAMP MY LITTLE FEET
THE WAY THOSE Q.C. S CARRY ON.
DON'T I KNOW IT, LOVE.
OBJECTION HERE, OBJECTION THERE.
AND THAT NICE POLICEMAN
GIVING HIS EVIDENCE SO WELL...
BEAUTIFUL SPEAKING VOICE.
WELL, AFTER A BIT
ALL I COULD DO WAS BANG MY LITTLE GAVEL.
YOU WHAT, LOVE?
I BANGED ME GAVEL.
I DID ME "SILENCE IN COURT" BIT.
OH! IF LOOKS COULD KILL
THAT PROSECUTING COUNSEL WOULD BE IN FOR 30 YEARS.
HOW DID YOUR SUMMING UP GO?
I WAS PLEASED, ACTUALLY.
I WAS TRYING TO HAVE A BUTCH VOICE:
(in deep voice): "WHAT THE JURY MUST UNDERSTAND..."
AND THEY LOVED IT.
I COULD SEE THAT FOREMAN EYEING ME.
REALLY?
YES, CHEEKY DEVIL.
WAS HE THAT TALL MAN WITH?
NO, JUST A MINUTE, I MUST FINISH.
ANYWAY, I FINISHED UP WITH:
(low voice): "THE ACTIONS OF THESE VICIOUS MEN
"IS A VIOLENT STAIN ON THE COMMUNITY
"AND THE FULL PENALTY OF THE LAW
"IS SCARCELY SUFFICIENT
TO DEAL WITH THEIR GHASTLY CRIMES."
AND I WAGGLED MY WIG.
JUST EVER SO SLIGHTLY
BUT IT WAS A STUNNING EFFECT.
OH, I BET IT WAS...
LIKE THAT SUPER TIME I WORE THAT STRIPED ROBE
IN THE MAGISTRATES COURT.
OH, AYE.
HELLO, MRS. THING.
HELLO, MRS. ENTITY.
HOW ARE YOU, THEN?
OH, I HAVE HAD A MORNING.
BUSY?
BUSY? HUH!
I GOT UP AT 5:00
I MADE MYSELF A CUP OF TEA
I LOOKED OUT OF THE WINDOW.
WELL, BY THEN I WAS SO WORN OUT
I HAD TO COME AND HAVE A SIT-DOWN.
I'VE BEEN HERE FOR SEVEN HOURS.
YOU MUST BE EXHAUSTED.
OH, HAVE YOU BEEN SHOPPING?
NO, I'VE BEEN SHOPPING.
FUNNY.
I'M WORN OUT.
I'VE BEEN SHOPPING FOR SIX HOURS.
WHAT HAVE YOU BOUGHT, THEN?
NOTHING.
NOTHING AT ALL.
A COMPLETE WASTE OF TIME.
WICKED, ISN'T IT?
WICKED, IT'LL BE WORSE
WHEN WE JOIN THE COMMON MARKET.
THAT NICE MR. HEATH WOULD NEVER ALLOW THAT.
IT'S FUNNY HE NEVER MARRIED.
HE'S A BACHELOR.
OOH! THAT WOULD EXPLAIN IT.
OH, DEAR ME
ALL THIS CHATTING AWAY WEARS ME OUT.
YES. I BET MRS. REGINALD MAUDLING
DOESN'T HAVE TO PUT UP WITH ALL THIS DRUDGERY
GETTING UP AT 5:00 IN THE MORNING
MAKING A CUP OF TEA
LOOKING OUT OF THE WINDOW, CHATTING AWAY.
NO! IT'D ALL BE DONE FOR HER.
YES, SHE'D HAVE THE WHOLE DAY FREE
FOR PLAYING SNOOKER.
SHE PROBABLY WOULDN'T GO
THROUGH ALL THE DRUDGERY OF PLAYING SNOOKER
DAY IN, DAY OUT.
NO, IT WOULD ALL BE DONE FOR HER.
SHE WOULDN'T EVEN HAVE TO LIFT A CUE.
SHE PROBABLY DOESN'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT A BILLIARD ROOM IS.
NO... STILL, IT'S NOT AS BAD AS THE OLD DAYS.
MRS. STANLEY BALDWIN
USED TO HAVE TO GET UP AT 5:00 IN THE MORNING
AND GO OUT AND CATCH PARTRIDGES
WITH HER BARE HANDS.
YES, AND MRS. WILLIAM PITT THE ELDER
USED TO HAVE TO GET UP AT 3:00
AND GO BURROWING FOR TRUFFLES
WITH THE BRIDGE OF HER NOSE.
MRS. BEETHOVEN USED TO HAVE TO GET UP AT MIDNIGHT
TO SPUR ON THE MYNAH BIRD.
LAZY CREATURES, MYNAH BIRDS.
YES.
WHEN BEETHOVEN WENT DEAF
THE MYNAH BIRD JUST USED TO MIME.
OOH! WHAT'S HAPPENING?
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
IT'S ONLY A FLASHBACK.
(plays first four notes of Symphony No. 5 )
(clicking)
YOU DON'T FOOL ME, YOU STUPID MYNAH BIRD.
I'M NOT DEAF YET.
JUST YOU WAIT.
(laughs)
OH! BUGGER.
SHUT UP!
RIGHT IN THE WING.
SHUT YOUR BEAK!
GOTT IN HIMMEL, I NEVER GET ANY PEACE HERE.
(plays first seven notes of Symphony No. 5)
(plays the wrong note and repeats)
LUDWIG!
WHAT?!
HAVE YOU SEEN THE SUGAR BOWL?!
NO, I HAVEN'T SEEN THE BLOODY SUGAR BOWL!
YOU KNOW, THE SUGAR BOWL!
SOD THE SUGAR BOWL!
I'M TRYING TO FINISH THIS STINKING TUNE!
(cries)
IT'S DRIVING ME SPARE!
SO SHUT UP!
(continues playing first notes of Symphony No. 5)
(switches to opening bars of "Washington Post March")
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
(switches back to first notes of Symphony No. 5 )
LUDWIG, HAVE YOU SEEN THE JAM SPOON?!
STUFF THE JAM SPOON!
IT WAS IN THE SUGAR BOWL!
LOOK, GET OUT, YOU OLD RAT-BAG!
BUZZ OFF AND SHUT UP!
I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU SEE IN THAT PIANO!
LEAVE ME ALONE!
(plays first eight notes of Symphony No. 5 correctly)
(laughing): I'VE GOT IT! I'VE GOT IT!
(plays first seven notes)
DO YOU WANT PEANUT BUTTER
OR SANDWICH SPREAD FOR YOUR TEA?
WHAT?!
PEANUT BUTTER!
I'VE FORGOTTEN IT!
I HAD IT! I HAD IT!
DO YOU WANT PEANUT BUTTER
OR SANDWICH SPREAD?!
I DON'T CARE!
OOH! I DON'T KNOW.
(fumbling around, attempting first notes of Symphony No. 5 )
I HAD IT.
I HAD IT, YOU OLD BAG.
MEIN LIEBER GOTT!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
(clanking and banging)
WHAT'S THAT?!
IT'S THE PLUMBER!
(clanking and banging continue)
GOTT IN HIMMEL, I'M GOING OUT!
WELL, IF YOU'RE GOING OUT
DON'T FORGET WE'VE GOT THE MENDELSSOHNS COMING FOR TEA
SO DON'T FORGET TO ORDER SOME PIKELETS!
PIKELETS! PIKELETS!
SHAKESPEARE NEVER HAD THIS TROUBLE.
DO YOU WANT TO BET?
INCIDENTALLY, IT'S...
(hums first eight notes of Symphony No. 5 )
YOU'RE RIGHT!
INCIDENTALLY, WHY NOT CALL HIM HAMLET?
HAMLET! I LIKE, MUCH BETTER THAN DAVID.
MICHELANGELO, YOU CAN USE DAVID.
I WON'T SUE.
THANKS, BUT I'VE HAD A BETTER IDEA.
Woman: MICHELANGELO!
YES, DEAR!
I'VE HAD ANOTHER SON.
OH, MY LIFE.
COMPOSER?
I WOULDN'T WISH IT ON MY SON.
HE'S A SENSITIVE BOY, ALREADY.
I'D RATHER HE WAS A SEWAGE ATTENDANT OR A RAT CATCHER.
AHA! RATS AT 42A KARTOFFELNSTRASSE.
HEY, MITZI! I'VE GOT TO GO TO POTATO STREET.
Mitzi: PUT YOUR GALOSHES ON.
DEPRESSED BY RATS?
DO MICE GET YOU DOWN?
THEN WHY NOT VISIT COLIN MOZART'S
RODENT EXTERMINATING BOUTIQUE?
RATS EXTIRPATED, MICE PUNISHED
VOLES TORN APART BY COLIN MOZART
MUNICH'S LEADING FURRY ANIMAL LIQUIDATOR.
(doorbell chimes)
YES?
COLIN MOZART.
OH, THANK GOODNESS YOU'VE COME.
WE'RE HAVING A TERRIBLE TIME
WITH THEM BLEEDING RATS.
I THINK THEY LIVE
IN HIS STUPID PIANO ALREADY.
Beethoven: GET OUT THE BLOODY PIANO
YOU STUPID, FURRY, BUCKTOOTHED GITS!
GET OUT!
(continues trying to compose Symphony No. 5)
GOTT IN HIMMEL!
GET YOUR STINKING TAIL OUT OF MY FACE.
SHUT UP!
SO ANYWAY, BEETHOVEN WAS RATHER GLAD
WHEN HE WENT DEAF.
Jimmy Durante: ♪... SO LET'S CELEBRATE ♪
♪ I'M FEELING GREAT ♪
♪ I'M THE GUY THAT FOUND THE LOST CHORD. ♪
WELL, I WAS EVER SO GLAD
THEY ABOLISHED HANGING, YOU KNOW
BECAUSE THAT BLACK CAP JUST DIDN'T SUIT ME.
YES, DO YOU REMEMBER
THE GLASGOW TREASON TRIAL?
OH, YES, I WORE A BODY STOCKING ALL THROUGH IT.
NO, HEN, AT THE PARTY AFTERWARDS.
OH, THAT'S RIGHT, YOU WERE WALKING OUT
WITH THAT VERY BUTCH CLERK OF THE COURT.
THAT'S RIGHT... HE MADE ME WANT TO TURN QUEEN'S EVIDENCE.
...SPECIALLY IN THAT ARSON CASE.
WHAT WAS THE VERDICT?
THEY PREFERRED THE BROWN WIG.
I LOVE THE SCOTTISH ASSIZES.
I KNOW WHAT THEY MEAN
BY A REALLY WELL HUNG JURY.
OH! GET BACK IN THE WITNESS BOX.
YOU'RE TOO SHARP TO LIVE.
I'LL SMACK YOUR LITTLE BOTTY!
HAVE YOU TRIED THAT NEW BODY RUB J.P. S USE?
I HAD A MAGISTRATE IN BRADFORD YESTERDAY.
FUNNILY ENOUGH I FELT LIKE ONE
IN A LUNCHTIME RECESS TODAY.
BUT THE ONES I REALLY LIKE
ARE THOSE VOICE-OVER ANNOUNCERS ON THE BBC...
YOU KNOW, AFTER THE PROGRAMS ARE OVER.
OH, AYE... COURSE, THEY'RE BENT AS SAFETY PINS.
I KNOW, BUT THEY'VE GOT BEAUTIFUL SPEAKING VOICES:
"AND NOW A CHOICE OF VIEWING ON BBC TELEVISION."
"HERE ARE TONIGHT'S FOOTBALL RESULTS."
Both: MMM...
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll