IN THE MODERN BRITAIN, UNITED UNDER A GREAT LEADER
IT'S THE HOUSEWIVES OF BRITAIN WHO ARE GETTING THINGS MOVING.
HERE, A COACH LOAD OF LOVELY LADIES ARE ON THEIR WAY
TO SPEED UP PRODUCTION IN A CAR FACTORY.
AND HERE WE ARE, BOYS, IT'S THE NO-HURRY BRIGADE
HANGING AROUND FOR ENDLESS OVERTIME.
AND JUST WATCH THESE GALLANT GIRLS GO INTO ACTION.
NOT WORKING FAST ENOUGH?
WELL, THERE'S AN ANSWER FOR THAT.
YES, THIS IS CERTAINLY THE WAY TO SPEED UP PRODUCTION.
THIS IS THE RECIPE FOR INCREASED PRODUCTIVITY
TO MEET THE THREAT OF THOSE NASTY FOREIGNERS
WHEN BRITAIN TAKES HER NATURAL PLACE
AT THE HEAD OF THE BRITISH COMMON MARKET.
AND HOW'S THIS FOR A WAY TO BEAT STRIKERS?
THOSE SPOTTY CONTINENTAL BOYS
WILL SOON HAVE TO LOOK OUT FOR MRS. BRITAIN.
AND TALKING OF WINDMILLS
THESE GIRLS AREN'T AFRAID TO TILT AT THE PERMISSIVE SOCIETY.
BUSINESS IS BOOMING IN THE SO-CALLED ARTS
BUT TWO CAN PLAY AT THAT GAME, CHUM.
AND IT'S NOT JUST THE MODERN SO-CALLED PLASTIC ARTS
THAT GET THE CLEAN-UP TREATMENT.
DESDEMONA...
COME ON, DEARS!
AND THOSE CONTINENTALS HAD BETTER WATCH OUT
FOR THEIR DIRTY FOREIGN LITERATURE.
JEAN-PAUL SARTRE AND JEAN GENET WON'T KNOW WHAT'S HIT THEM.
NEVER MIND THE FOULNESS OF THEIR LANGUAGE...
COME '73, THEY'LL ALL HAVE TO WRITE IN BRITISH.
YOU CAN KEEP YOUR FASTIDIOUS CONTINENTAL BIDETS, MRS. FOREIGNER...
MRS. BRITAIN KNOWS HOW TO KEEP HER FEET CLEAN.
BUT SHE'LL BATTLE LIKE BINGO, BOYS
WHEN IT COMES TO KEEPING THE TV SCREEN CLEAN.
BETTER WATCH OUT FOR THOSE NASTY CONTINENTAL SHOWS
ON THE SNEAKY SECOND CHANNEL.
BUT APART FROM ATTACKING
THAT PRURIENT HOTBED OF LEFT-WING CONTINENTALISM
AT SHEPHERDS BUSH
WHAT ELSE DO THESE ORDINARY MUMS THINK?
DO THEY ACCEPT HEGELIANISM?
NO!
DO THEY PREFER LEIBNITZ TO WITTGENSTEIN?
NO! NO!
AND WHERE DO THEY STAND ON YOUNG PEOPLE?
JUST HERE, DEAR.
THEIR POWER IS GROWING DAILY
AND WHEN THESE GIRLS ROLL THEIR SLEEVES UP
IT'S ARMS ALL THE WAY.
YES, THIS IS THE WAY TO FIGHT
THE CONSTANT WAR AGAINST PORNOGRAPHY.
AND NOW...
IT'S...
MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS.
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll
DOCTOR!
WHERE IS THE DOCTOR?
HELLO!
ARE YOU THE BRAIN SPECIALIST?
HELLO!
ARE YOU THE BRAIN SPECIALIST?
NO!
NO, I AM NOT THE BRAIN SPECIALIST.
NO, NO, I AM NOT!
YES! YES, I AM!
MY BRAIN HURTS!
WELL, LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT IT, MR. GUMBY.
NO, NO, NO...
MY BRAIN IN MY HEAD.
OH!
IT'LL HAVE TO COME OUT.
OUT... OF MY HEAD?
YES! ALL THE BITS OF IT.
NURSE!
NURSE, TAKE MR. GUMBY TO A... BRAIN SURGEON.
YES, DOCTOR.
WHERE'S THE LANCET?
HE'S BRILLIANT, YOU KNOW.
WHERE'S THE BLOODY LANCET?
MY BRAIN HURTS, TOO.
GLOVES...
GLASSES...
MOUSTACHE...
HANDKERCHIEF...
I'M GOING TO OPERATE!
OPERATE, OPERATE...
GET BITS OF BRAIN!
HELLO!
OH!
WE FORGOT THE ANESTHETIC!
ANESTHETIC!
I'VE COME TO ANESTHETIZE YOU!
GOOD EVENING.
TONIGHT I'D LIKE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT... OH, UH...
EXCUSE ME, THIS IS ALL WRONG.
ONE MOMENT.
HELLO, AGAIN.
AS I WAS SAYING...
AH, OH, WAIT, THIS IS STILL NOT QUITE RIGHT.
SORRY.
NO, NO, SORRY, NO, NOT RIGHT.
AH, THIS IS BETTER.
NOW, TONIGHT I WANT TO LOOK AT THE MEANING OF LIFE...
OH! OW! OH! OH!
NO, NO, NO...
NO, NO, PLEASE!
HMM, AH, WELL...
THIS'LL DO NICELY.
GOOD EVENING.
TONIGHT I'D LIKE TO TALK TO YOU
ABOUT THE MEANING OF LIFE
IN THE CONTEXT OF...
The 9:00 news, which was to have followed
has been canceled tonight
so we can bring you the quarterfinals
of the All-Essex Badminton Championship.
Your commentator as usual is Edna O'Brien.
Hullo, fans.
Begorra, an' to be sure there's some fine badminton
down there in Essex this afternoon.
We really...
HMM.
GEORGE?
YES, GLADYS?
THERE'S A MAN HERE WITH A MOUSTACHE.
I ALREADY GOT ONE.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT
WHAT'S HE WANT, THEN?
HE SAYS, DO WE WANT
A DOCUMENTARY ON MOLLUSKS?
MOLLUSKS?!
YES!
WHAT'S HE MEAN, "MOLLUSKS"?
MOLLUSKS!
GASTROPODS, LAMELLIBRANCHS, CEPHALOPODS!
OH, MOLLUSKS.
I THOUGHT YOU SAID "BACON."
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
WHAT'S HE CHARGE, THEN?
IT'S FREE.
OH! WHERE DOES HE WANT US TO SIT?
HE SAYS YES!
GOOD EVENING.
TONIGHT, MOLLUSKS.
THE MOLLUSK IS A SOFT-BODIED, UNSEGMENTED INVERTEBRATE ANIMAL
USUALLY PROTECTED BY A LARGE SHELL.
ONE OF THE MOST NUMEROUS GROUPS OF INVERTEBRATES
IT IS EXCEEDED IN NUMBER OF SPECIES
ONLY BY THE ARTHROPODS, VIZ...
NOT VERY INTERESTING, IS IT?
WHAT?
I WAS TALKING TO HIM.
OH.
ANYWAY, THE TYPICAL MOLLUSK, VIZ A SNAIL...
CONSISTS OF A PROMINENT MUSCULAR PORTION...
THE HEAD-FOOT... A VISCERAL MASS AND A SHELL
WHICH IS SECRETED BY THE FREE EDGE OF THE MANTLE.
DREADFUL, ISN'T IT?
WHAT?
I WAS TALKING TO HIM!
OH... WELL, ANYWAY...
IN SOME MOLLUSKS, HOWEVER, VIZ, SLUGS
THE SHELL IS ABSENT OR RUDIMENTARY.
SWITCH HIM OFF.
WHEREAS IN OTHERS, VIZ CEPHALOPODS
THE HEAD-FOOT IS GREATLY MODIFIED
AND FORMS TENTACLES, VIZ THE SQUID.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
SWITCHING YOU OFF.
DON'T YOU LIKE IT?
OH, IT'S DREADFUL.
EMBARRASSING.
IS IT?
YES, IT'S PERFECTLY AWFUL.
DISGRACEFUL!
I DON'T KNOW HOW THEY GOT THE NERVE TO PUT IT ON.
IT'S SO BORING.
WELL, IT'S NOT MUCH OF A SUBJECT, IS IT?
BE FAIR.
WHAT DO YOU THINK, GEORGE?
GIVE HIM ANOTHER 20 SECONDS.
ALL RIGHT.
ANYWAY, THE MAJORITY OF MOLLUSKS
ARE INCLUDED IN THREE LARGE GROUPS:
THE GASTROPODS, THE LAMELLIBRANCHS
AND THE CEPHALOPODS.
WE KNOW THAT!
HOWEVER, WHAT IS MORE INTERESTING
IS THE, UH... MOLLUSK'S, UH...
SEX LIFE.
OH!
YES, THE MOLLUSK IS A RANDY LITTLE FELLOW
WHOSE PRIMITIVE BRAIN SCARCELY STRAYS
FROM THE SUBJECT OF YOU-KNOW-WHAT.
DISGUSTING!
OUGHT NOT TO BE ALLOWED.
THE RANDIEST OF THE GASTROPODS
IS THE LIMPET.
THIS HOT-BLOODED LITTLE BEAST
WITH ITS TENTLIKE SHELL IS ALWAYS ON THE JOB.
ITS EXTRAMARITAL ACTIVITIES
ARE SOMETHING STARTLING.
FRANKLY, I DON'T KNOW HOW THE FEMALE LIMPET
FINDS THE TIME TO ADHERE TO THE ROCK FACE.
HOW AM I DOING?
DISGUSTING.
BUT MORE INTERESTING.
OH, YES.
ANOTHER LOOSE-LIVING GASTROPOD IS THE PERIWINKLE.
THIS SHAMELESS LITTLE LIBERTINE
WITH ITS CHARACTERISTIC VENTRAL LOCOMOTION...
IS NOT THE MARRYING KIND...
"ANYWHERE, ANYTIME" IS ITS MOTTO.
UP WITH THE SHELL AND THEY'RE AT IT.
WHAT ABOUT THE LAMELLIBRANCHS?
I'M COMING TO THEM.
THE GREAT SCALLOP...
THIS TATTY, SCROFULOUS OLD RAPIST
IS SECOND IN DEPRAVITY ONLY TO THE COMMON CLAM.
THIS LATTER IS A RIGHT WHORE!
A HARLOT, A TROLLOP
A CYNICAL, BED-HOPPING, FIRM-BREASTED
RABELAISIAN BIT OF SEAFOOD
THAT MAKES FANNY HILL LOOK LIKE A DEAD POPE.
AND FINALLY AMONG THE LAMELLIBRANCH BIVALVES
THAT MOST DEPRAVED OF THE WHOLE SUBSPECIES, THE WHELK.
THE WHELK IS NOTHING BUT A HOMOSEXUAL OF THE WORST KIND.
THIS GAY BOY OF THE GASTROPODS
THIS QUEER CRUSTACEAN, THIS MINCING MOLLUSK
THIS SCREAMING, PRANCING, LIMP-WRISTED QUEEN OF THE DEEP
MAKES ME SICK.
HAVE YOU GOT ONE?
HERE!
LET'S KILL IT.
DISGUSTING!
THERE, THAT'LL TEACH IT.
WELL, THANK YOU FOR A VERY INTERESTING PROGRAM.
OH, NOT AT ALL, THANK YOU.
YES, THAT WAS VERY NICE.
THANK YOU.
OH, THANK YOU.
AND GOOD NIGHT.
AND NOW A WORD FROM THE MAN IN THE...
STREET.
ANYWAY...
OOO...
COOCHY, COOCHY, COOCHY...
...DEAR LITTLE FELLOW.
LOOK AT THE TWINKLE IN HIS EYE.
OH, HE'S A LITTLE DEAR, ISN'T HE?
YOU SHOULDN'T LET HIM SUCK ON A DUMMY, MY DEAR.
OH, MY GOD... NO!
DON'T TOUCH IT!
THE MINISTER FOR NOT LISTENING TO PEOPLE
TOURED BATLEY TODAY TO INVESTIGATE ALLEGATIONS
OF VICTIMIZATION IN HOME-LOAN IMPROVEMENT GRANTS
MADE LAST WEEK BY THE SHADOW-MINISTER
FOR JUDGING PEOPLE AT FIRST SIGHT
TO BE MARGINALLY WORSE THAN THEY ACTUALLY ARE.
AT THE HOME OFFICE, THE MINISTER FOR INSERTING HIMSELF
IN BETWEEN CHAIRS AND WALLS IN MEN'S CLUBS
WAS AT HIS DESK AFTER A SHORT ILLNESS.
HE SPENT THE MORNING DEALING WITH THE IRISH SITUATION
AND LATER IN THE DAY HAD LONG DISCUSSIONS
WITH THE MINISTER FOR RUNNING UPSTAIRS TWO AT A TIME
FLINGING THE DOOR OPEN
AND SAYING, "HA, HA, CAUGHT YOU, MILDRED."
IN THE COMMONS THERE WAS ANOTHER DAY OF HEATED DEBATE
ON THE THIRD READING OF THE TRADE PRACTICES BILL.
MR. ROLAND PENROSE
THE UNDERSECRETARY FOR MAKING DEEP GROWLING NOISES...
LAUNCHED A BITTER PERSONAL ATTACK
ON THE EX-MINISTER FOR DELVING DEEP INTO A BLACK SATIN BAG
AND PRODUCING A TUBE OF EUTHYMOL TOOTHPASTE.
LATER IN THE DEBATE
THE JUNIOR MINISTER FOR BEING FRIGHTENED
BY ANY KIND OF FARM MACHINERY
CHALLENGED THE UNDERSECRETARY OF STATE
FOR HIDING FROM TERENCE RATTIGAN
TO PRODUCE THE CURRENT YEAR'S TRADING FIGURES
AS SUPPLIED BY THE DEPARTMENT OF STEALING PACKETS OF BANDAGES
FROM THE SELF-SERVICE COUNTER AT TIMOTHY WHITES
AND SELLING THEM AGAIN AT A CONSIDERABLE PROFIT.
PARLIAMENT ROSE AT 11:30
AND, CRAWLING ALONG A DARK PASSAGEWAY INTO THE OLD RECTORY
BROKE DOWN THE DOOR TO THE SERVING HATCH
PAINTED THE SPARE ROOM
AND NEXT WEEKEND I THINK THEY'LL BE ABLE
TO MAKE A START ON THE BOYS' BEDROOM.
WHILE AMY AND ROGER... UP IN LONDON FOR TWO DAYS...
GO TO SEE THE MYSTERIOUS MR. GRENVILLE.
HE IN TURN HAS BEEN REVEALED BY D'ARCY
AS SOMETHING LESS THAN AN HONEST MAN.
SYBIL FEELS ONCE AGAIN
A RESURGENCE OF HER OLD AFFECTION
AND SHE AND BALREAU RETURN
TO HER LITTLE HOUSE IN CLERMONT-FERRAND...
THE KIND OF TWO-UP, TWO-DOWN HOUSE
THAT MOST FRENCH WORKERS... AND, INDEED, MOST WORKERS
THROUGHOUT THE EUROPEAN COMMUNITY... ARE LIVING IN TODAY.
THE EASE OF CONSTRUCTION
USING ON-SITE PREFABRICATION FACILITIES
MAKES CHEAP HOUSING A REALITY.
THE WALLS OF THESE HOUSES ARE LINED
WITH PRESTRESSED ASBESTOS, WHICH KEEPS THE HOUSE WARM AND SNUGGLY
AND EVER SO SAFE FROM THE BIG BAD RABBIT
WHO CAN SCRATCH AND SCRATCH FOR ALL HE'S WORTH
BUT HE JUST CAN'T GET INTO PORKY'S HOUSE.
WHERE IS PORKY?
HERE HE IS.
WHAT A FUNNY LITTLE CHAP.
BUT PORKY IS ONE OF THE LUCKY ONES.
HE SURVIVED THE URBAN UPHEAVAL OF THE '30s AND '40s.
FOR HIM, JARROW IS STILL JUST A MEMORY.
THE HUNGER MARCHES, THE EAST END RIOTS
THE COLLAPSE OF THE LABOR GOVERNMENT IN 1931
ARE DIM REMINDERS OF THE DAYS
BEFORE A NEWFOUND AFFLUENCE SWEPT THE LAND
MAKING IT CLEAN AND TIDY
AND MAKING ALL THE SHOPS FULL OF NICE THINGS:
LOVELY CHOO-CHOO TRAINS AND TOYS
AND SHINY CARS THAT GO "BRRM, BRRM, BRRM"
AND EVERYBODY WAS HAPPY AND SINGING ALL THE DAY LONG
AND NOBODY SAW THE BIG BAD RABBIT EVER AGAIN.
BUT, OF COURSE, IT'S ALL VERY EASY
TO BLAME THE BIG BAD RABBIT
WHEN BY-ELECTIONS ARE GOING AGAINST THE GOVERNMENT.
UT HOW OFTEN DO YOU THINK
WE SHOULD REALLY BE BLAMING OURSELVES?
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, THAT'S WHERE WE OUGHT TO START LOOKING.
HELLO... ALL THE ACTIVITY YOU CAN SEE HERE IN PROGRESS
IS PART OF THE INTRICATE...
PREPARATIONS FOR THE BRITISH NAVAL EXPEDITION TO LAKE PAHOE.
THE LEADER OF THE EXPEDITION IS
SIR JANE RUSSELL.
SIR JANE, WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF YOUR EXPEDITION?
WELL, THIS IS A COMPLETELY UNCHARTED LAKE
WITH, LIKE, HITHERTO UNCLASSIFIED MARINE LIFE, MAN
SO THE WHOLE SCENE'S WIDE OPEN FOR A SCIENTIFIC EXPLORATION.
ONE CAN SEE THE IMMENSE AMOUNT OF PREPARATION INVOLVED.
HAVE THERE BEEN MANY DIFFICULTIES
IN SETTING UP THIS VENTURE?
WELL, THE REAL HANG-UP WAS WITH THE BREAD, MAN
BUT WHEN THE TOP-BRASS PIGS CAME THROUGH
WE GOT IT TOGETHER IN A COUPLE OF MOONS.
COMMODORE BETTY GRABLE, WHO'S A REAL SUB-AQUA HEAD
HAS GOT IT TOGETHER DIVING-WISE
AND, LIKE, THE WHOLE GIG'S BEEN A REAL GAS, MAN.
THANK YOU.
LIEUTENANT COMMANDER DOROTHY LAMOUR.
PIECES OF EIGHT.
DOROTHY, YOU'RE IN CHARGE OF THE SECURITY AND LIAISON
FOR THIS OPERATION.
RIGHT ON.
YOU'VE KEPT THIS ALL VERY HUSH-HUSH SO FAR, SHIPMATE.
YEAH, IT'S BEEN REALLY HEAVY, MAN
WITH ALL THESE FREAKS FROM THE FASCIST PRESS
TRYING TO BLOW THE WHOLE SCENE.
THERE'S NO DOUBT ABOUT IT
THIS EXPEDITION DOES HAVE
SOME RATHER UNUSUAL ASPECTS, JIM LAD.
FOR A START, WHY DO THE SENIOR PERSONNEL ALL BEAR THE NAMES
OF HOLLYWOOD FILM STARS OF THE '40s
AND FEMALE ONES AT THAT?
SHIVER ME TIMBERS, 'TIS THE BLACK SPOT
AND SECONDLY, I BE NOT AFRAID OF THEE, BLIND PEW!
WHY DO THEY TALK THIS RATHER STRANGE, STILTED
UNDERGROUND JARGON?
BELAY THE MAIN BRACE, SQUIRE TRELAWNEY, THIS BE MY SHIP NOW!
AH! A TRANQUILIZING DART FIRED
BY THE COWARDLY BBC HEALTH DEPARTMENT DOGS.
THEY'VE DONE FILLED ME FULL OF CHLORPROMAZINE! DAMN!
I'M SORRY ABOUT MY COLLEAGUE'S RATHER UNCONVENTIONAL BEHAVIOR.
THE NAVY'S OUT OF SIGHT!
COME TOGETHER WITH THE R.N.
IT REALLY IS SOMETHING OTHER THAN ELSE.
CAN YOU DIG IT, MAN?
HELLO... I'M SORRY ABOUT MY COLLEAGUE'S
RATHER UNCONVENTIONAL BEHAVIOR JUST NOW
BUT THINGS HAVEN'T BEEN TOO EASY FOR HIM RECENTLY...
TROUBLE AT HOME...
RATHER CONFIDENTIAL, SO I CAN'T GIVE YOU ALL THE DETAILS
INTERESTING THOUGH THEY ARE.
THREE BOTTLES OF RUM WITH HIS WEETABIX, AND SO FORTH.
ANYWAY... APPARENTLY, THE GIRL WASN'T EVEN...
ANYWAY, THE ACTIVITY YOU SEE BEHIND ME...
IT'S THE MOTHER I FEEL SORRY FOR.
I'LL START AGAIN.
THE ACTIVITY YOU SEE BEHIND ME IS PART OF THE PREPARATIONS
FOR THE NEW NAVAL EXPEDITION TO LAKE PAHOE.
THE MAN IN CHARGE OF THIS EXPEDITION IS
VICE ADMIRAL SIR JOHN CUNNINGHAM.
SIR JOHN, HELLO, THERE.
HELLO... WELL, FIRST OF ALL
I'D LIKE TO APOLOGIZE
FOR THE BEHAVIOR OF CERTAIN OF MY COLLEAGUES
YOU MAY HAVE SEEN EARLIER
BUT THEY ARE FROM BROKEN HOMES
CIRCUS FAMILIES AND SO ON
AND THEY ARE IN NO WAY REPRESENTATIVE
OF THE NEW, MODERN, IMPROVED BRITISH NAVY.
THEY ARE A SMALL, VOCIFEROUS MINORITY.
AND MAY I TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY
OF EMPHASIZING THAT THERE IS NO CANNIBALISM
IN THE BRITISH NAVY...
ABSOLUTELY NONE.
AND WHEN I SAY NONE
I MEAN THERE IS A CERTAIN AMOUNT...
MORE THAN WE ARE PREPARED TO ADMIT...
BUT ALL NEW RATINGS ARE WARNED
THAT IF THEY WAKE UP IN THE MORNING
AND FIND ANY TOOTH MARKS AT ALL
ANYWHERE ON THEIR BODIES
THEY'RE TO TELL ME IMMEDIATELY
SO THAT I CAN IMMEDIATELY TAKE EVERY MEASURE
TO HUSH THE WHOLE THING UP.
AND FINALLY, NECROPHILIA IS RIGHT OUT.
NOW, THIS EXPEDITION IS PRIMARILY
TO INVESTIGATE REPORTS OF CANNIBALISM AND NECROPHILIA IN...
THIS EXPEDITION IS PRIMARILY
TO INVESTIGATE REPORTS OF UNUSUAL MARINE LIFE
IN THE AS-YET UNCHARTED LAKE PAHOE.
AND WHERE EXACTLY IS THE LAKE?
UH... 22A, RUNCORN AVENUE.
YES, THAT'S RIGHT, 22A.
RUNCORN AVENUE?
YES, IT'S JUST BY BLENHEIM CRESCENT.
DO YOU KNOW IT?
UH, YOU MEAN IT'S IN AN ORDINARY STREET?
IT IS NOT AN ORDINARY STREET...
IT'S GOT A LAKE IN IT!
YES, BUT I...
LOOK, HOW MANY STREETS DO YOU KNOW
THAT HAVE GOT LAKES IN THEM?
I MEAN, IS IT VERY LARGE?
OF COURSE IT'S NOT LARGE.
YOU COULDN'T GET A LARGE LAKE IN RUNCORN AVENUE!
YOU'D HAVE TO KNOCK DOWN THE TOBACCONIST'S!
JENKINS...
NO!
I'M NOW STANDING IN RUNCORN AVENUE.
SIR JOHN, WHERE EXACTLY IS THE LAKE?
UH, WELL LET'S SEE, THAT'S 18...
THAT'S 20, SO THIS MUST BE THE ONE.
UM, EXCUSE ME, UM...
YES, THIS IS THE ONE, ALL RIGHT.
BUT IT'S AN ORDINARY HOUSE.
LOOK, I'M GETTING PRETTY IRRITATED
WITH THIS LINE OF QUESTIONING.
BUT IT DOESN'T EVEN LOOK LIKE A LAKE.
LOOK, YOUR WHOLE APPROACH SINCE THIS INTERVIEW STARTED
HAS BEEN TO MOCK THE NAVY.
WHEN I THINK THAT FOR THE LIKES OF YOU
I HAD BOTH MY LEGS BLOWN OFF...
BUT YOU HAVEN'T HAD BOTH YOUR LEGS BLOWN OFF!
I WAS TALKING METAPHORICALLY, YOU FOOL.
JENKINS...
PUT THAT DOWN.
RIGHT, IS THE EQUIPMENT READY?
DIVING EQUIPMENT ALL READY, MAN.
RIGHT... NOW, QUITE SIMPLY
THE APPROACH TO LAKE PAHOE IS UP THE STEPS
AND THEN WE COME TO THE SHORES OF THE LAKE.
NOW, I'M GOING TO PRESS THE BELL
JUST TO SEE IF THERE'S ANYONE IN.
HELLO?
GOOD MORNING, I'M LOOKING FOR A LAKE PAHOE.
THERE'S A MR. PADGETT.
NO, NO, A LAKE.
THERE'S NO LAKE HERE, MATE.
THIS IS RUNCORN AVENUE.
WHAT'S THAT CAMERA DOING?
CAMERA? WHAT'S HE WANT?
OOH, ARE WE ON THE TELLY?
HE'S LOOKING FOR A LAKE.
LAKE PAHOE.
OH, YOU WANT DOWNSTAIRS, 22A, THE BASEMENT.
AH! THANK YOU VERY MUCH, GOOD MORNING.
COME ON, MEN, DOWNSTAIRS.
UH, WERE YOU SUCCESSFUL, SIR JOHN?
IT'S IN THE BASEMENT.
IN THE BASEMENT?
PIECES OF EIGHT!
UGH!
HELLO?
OH, I THINK IT'S SOMEONE ABOUT THE DAMP.
HELLO.
TELL THEM
ABOUT THE BLEEDING RATS, TOO.
I'LL GO.
YES?
GOOD MORNING, IS THIS LAKE PAHOE?
WELL, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT, BUT IT'S BLEEDING DAMP.
ARE YOU FROM THE COUNCIL?
NO, WE ARE THE OFFICIAL BRITISH NAVAL EXPEDITION TO THIS LAKE.
MAY WE COME IN?
HANG ON.
BLOODY SHARKS.
GET BACK IN...
GET IN.
WELL, THAT WOULD APPEAR TO BE THE END OF THE EXPEDITION.
THE MAGNA CARTA...
WAS IT A DOCUMENT SIGNED AT RUNNYMEDE
IN 1215 BY KING JOHN
PLEDGING INDEPENDENCE TO THE ENGLISH BARONS
OR WAS IT A PIECE OF CHEWING GUM ON A BEDSPREAD IN DORSET?
THE LATTER IDEA IS THE BRAINCHILD OF A MAN
NEW TO THE FIELD OF HISTORICAL RESEARCH.
MR. BADGER, WHY... WHY ARE YOU ON THIS PROGRAM?
WELL, I THINK I CAN ANSWER THIS QUESTION
MOST SUCCESSFULLY IN MIME.
BUT WHY DORSET?
WELL, I HAVE FOR A LONG TIME BEEN SUFFERING
FROM A SPECIES OF BRAIN IN JURY
WHICH I INCURRED DURING THE RIGORS OF CHILDBIRTH
AND I'D LIKE TO CONCLUDE BY PUTTING MY FINGER UP MY NOSE.
MR. BADGER, I THINK YOU'RE THE SILLIEST PERSON
WE'VE EVER HAD ON THIS PROGRAM
AND SO I'M GOING TO ASK YOU
TO HAVE DINNER WITH ME.
MY WIFE MAUREEN RAN OFF WITH A BOTTLE OF BELL'S WHISKEY
DURING THE ABERDEEN VERSUS RAITH ROVERS MATCH
WHICH ENDED IN A GOAL-LESS DRAW.
ROBSON, PARTICULARLY, IN GOAL, HAD A MAGNIFICENT FIRST HALF
HIS FINE POSITIONAL SENSE PREVENTING THE BUILD-UP
OF ANY SEVERE PRESSURE ON THE SUSPECT ABERDEEN DEFENSE.
McLOUGHLAN MISSED AN EASY CHANCE
TO CLINCH THE GAME TOWARDS THE FINAL WHISTLE
BUT RAITH MUST BE WELL SATISFIED
WITH THEIR POINT.
DO PLEASE GO ON.
THIS IS THE LEAST FASCINATING CONVERSATION I'VE EVER HAD.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO ORDER, SIR?
YES, MR. BADGER, WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO START WITH?
UH, I'LL HAVE A WHISKEY TO START WITH.
FOR FIRST COURSE, SIR?
AYE.
AND FOR MAIN COURSE, SIR?
UH, I'LL HAVE A WHISKEY FOR MAIN COURSE
AND I'LL FOLLOW THAT WITH A WHISKEY FOR PUDDING.
YES, SIR, AND WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE WITH IT, SIR? A WHISKEY?
NO, A BOTTLE OF WINE.
"FINE, SIR," HE SAID BETWEEN CLENCHED TEETH
KNOWING FULL WELL IT WAS A MOST UNREWARDING PART.
THIS IS THE SILLIEST SKETCH I'VE EVER BEEN IN.
SHALL WE STOP IT?
YEAH, ALL RIGHT.
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll