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sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~
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Man: Gather around,
children of all ages.
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00:00:05,067 --> 00:00:07,442
Actually, legally I have
to ask that you're a child
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above the age of 17, but if
you're a cool nine-year-old
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00:00:10,192 --> 00:00:12,192
who figured out where to find
Crackle, you're cool by us.
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00:00:12,234 --> 00:00:14,942
Anyway, this is the time of year
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where families get on Amazon
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and order slightly
wrong versions of things
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their loved ones asked for.
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No, not super-wrong,
just wrong enough
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that it's not worth your
time to mail it back.
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Amazon knows what it's doing.
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Who am I, you ask?
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You'll find out soon enough.
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But for now,
let's check in on one of our heroes
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enjoying a new American tradition.
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♪ Made some cookies just for Santa ♪
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♪ Making sure he knows
that I was good ♪
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♪ Drank his milk,
hope he likes Fanta ♪
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♪ Dude is pretty fat,
he probably would ♪
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♪ Stockings full of quesadillas ♪
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♪ How do Santa's elves
keep them warm? ♪
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♪ Getting bored of this song, see ya ♪
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♪ [bleep] did you expect?
I'm just a cat ♪
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[laughs] The perfect cornerstone
to a traditional Christmas.
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[clanking]
You're almost there.
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[grunts]
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Religious customs seem
to be a lot of work,
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but I'm sure it's all
worth it in the end.
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- What the hell is that?
- Happy holidays, Ranger.
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Um, you mean "Merry Christmas."
Jesus' birthday.
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Actually, December 25th was
originally a pagan celebration
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of the winter solstice
co-opted by Western culture.
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There's actually no way of
knowing when Jesus was born.
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How very... educational.
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♪ Heading out to see the family ♪
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♪ Only person here who has a home ♪
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♪ Yeah, but don't
your parents hate you? ♪
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Who asked you? Your father was
run over by a RAV4! [door closes]
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Santa, I've been good all year.
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Please, please, please
let this be the Christmas
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you get me what I want.
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And again, that is the V-Twin
800cc Dune Buggy.
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-Santa?
- Ho-ho-ho-ho!
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You caught me delivering your presents.
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Wait a minute.
I know that voice.
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Rex! Why are you sneaking
around wearing Santa's clothes?
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Where is he?
What did you do with him?!
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You got 10 seconds, man.
[cocks]
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I... I dress up in
this outfit every year
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and hand out presents
at orphanages.
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That's Santa's job.
Five seconds!
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Cooch, I... I don't
know how to tell you this,
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but there is no Santa Claus.
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Oh... What?!
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[pukes]
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[holiday music playing]
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Who gives us presents every year?
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- Me.
- Who eats the cookies
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and drinks the milk we leave for Santa?
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- Also me.
- And the stockings?
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Me. I pretend to be Santa
on Christmas like many adults.
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- So... what'd you get me?
- A scratching post.
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I wanted a dune buggy!
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Well, I want our furniture
to last more than a year,
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so we had to meet in the middle.
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Look, I know this is coming as a shock.
[music]
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I'm sorry, Cooch.
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- May I take your bag, sir?
- Of course, Bunsen.
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- Well, what did you get me?
- Oh, I...
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all I have is this
priceless pocket watch
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my grandfather gave
to me on his deathbed.
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You could've wrapped it.
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That [bleep] knew
I wanted an Apple Watch!
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[clatters]
Hi, big brother!
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Hey, Dudley!
I'm not used to seeing you
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without your head buried
up Mom and Dad's ass!
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[laughs]
You're so funny!
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By the way, where are they?
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- I want to open a present before bed.
- I am to play you this.
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[click]
Hello, boys.
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Cliff and I decided to go
to Hawaii for Christmas.
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If it's gonna be some sort of thing
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that we're not there, then, you know,
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just grab the remote
and press "pause" now.
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So what, it's just me and you?
This sucks!
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Wait a minute. This means
we can open our presents now!
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[clicks] No, Verushka.
It's not Christmas morning yet.
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Why do you hate the holidays so much?
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Christmas is when the memories come.
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My brother playing
superhero with his new toys.
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I had received a limited-edition Burfy.
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[Burfy babbling]
But brother pretended
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00:04:21,734 --> 00:04:26,442
it was my henchman, calling me
Captain Bad Guy. [Saturn laughs]
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He beat me mercilessly...
[oranges thud, squish]
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...with a stocking full of oranges.
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[Saturn shouting] Then he stomped
my Burfy to dust before my eyes.
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And now on this Christmas,
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the feeling he created
will end him once and for all.
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Jewbot: It's called
the holiday season
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because Americans celebrate
many different traditions.
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But Christmas is so obviously
superior in every way!
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The tree!
A day of songs! Gifts!
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Hanukkah has gifts.
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And what is the relative
quality of these gifts?
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We've lost this round.
Run!
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Yeah, I'll call you
when I need a wooden top
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and some wax, chocolate coins!
Christmas wins again!
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Hey, you mind if we clear
some room for my Bendera?
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- My Kwanzaa flag!
- What on God's Earth is happening?
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Santa ain't real.
What's next?
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Chalupas?
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[distant giggling]
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What was that?
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[giggling continues]
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A hidden door?
Could be a dune buggy in there.
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"Danger, don't touch."
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Well, that was your first mistake,
telling me what to do.
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Now it's time to touch all this stuff!
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"Gunchucks."
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What's dangerous about these?
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[screams]
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Man's voice: Hee-hee-skiddle-dee-dee,
come on over and look at me.
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"Skiddle-dee-this,
skiddle-dee-that,
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take a chance and return my hat.
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Skiddle-dee-do,
skiddle-dee-dee,
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freedom for me,
and a wish for thee"?
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[gasps] Go ahead. Make a wish.
Set me free.
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What are you?
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I'm Mr. Skibumpers,
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the skididdiest Skibumper
you've ever skidooed.
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What can I ski-dee for ye?
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Yeah, I picked up like none of that.
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Your wish. What's your wish?
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Oh. Well, I guess...
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Ah-ah-ah.
I'll have my hat first.
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Bing Crosby: # My wonderful
Christmas tree... #
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Ah, nothing like
a few hours of Bing Crosby
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to set the Christmas mood.
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Ranger, perhaps we
should also include
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some traditional Hanukkah music.
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[singing in Yiddish]
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Is someone sacrificing a goat?
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Why don't I slide
on some Miriam Makeba?
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Get a little Kwanzaa up in here.
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Guys, hang on to your dick bags!
It's a Christmas miracle!
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Ho-ho-ho!
[all gasp]
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- Holy holiday shit.
- Santa Claus came to town!
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- Cookies.
- Cooch, you're telling us
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00:07:09,492 --> 00:07:11,199
that that's the real, live Santa Claus?
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Hell yes! Look at him
go after those cookies!
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[slurps, spits]
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- Fanta? What the hell?
- Jesus! Sorry, dude!
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I mean, sure, if it
was a nice summer's day.
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But when you're expecting milk...
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- This isn't possible.
- Oh, really?
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[humming]
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Shit! Is it too late for me to
pin one of my socks up there?
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Well, team, I'm off to the orphanage...
What the hell?
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I could ask you the same thing.
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Call me sensitive, but
I don't find it amusing
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- when people dress in beard-face.
- Oh, shit.
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Yeah, that creepy little
doll in your basement
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granted me one wish, and I
wished for Santa to be real.
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Cooch, no one is
supposed to go down there!
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That's where I keep the
most dangerous weapons
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the League has ever encountered!
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Skiddle-dee-dee, who me?
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- Mr. Skibumpers.
- Who is Mr. Skibumpers?
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00:08:02,992 --> 00:08:05,492
I'm glad you asked.
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00:08:05,534 --> 00:08:07,792
[jazz music plays]
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00:08:07,884 --> 00:08:10,175
♪ There's a place called Skeedle-Dee ♪
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00:08:10,217 --> 00:08:12,300
♪ A few stars past Skeedle Doo ♪
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00:08:12,342 --> 00:08:14,259
♪ It's not too far from here ♪
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00:08:14,300 --> 00:08:17,050
♪ It's just a universe or two ♪
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00:08:17,092 --> 00:08:19,926
♪ You see Skeedle-Dee was boring ♪
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00:08:19,968 --> 00:08:21,717
♪ And that wouldn't do at all ♪
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00:08:21,759 --> 00:08:23,801
♪ So I started spreading mischief ♪
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00:08:23,884 --> 00:08:26,467
♪ And was banished as a doll ♪
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00:08:26,551 --> 00:08:28,883
♪ Stranded on your planet ♪
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00:08:28,884 --> 00:08:31,425
♪ My freedom had one key ♪
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00:08:31,509 --> 00:08:33,551
♪ A mortal's wish gets granted ♪
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00:08:33,592 --> 00:08:36,342
♪ And it's Skibumpers time!
I'm free! ♪
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00:08:36,384 --> 00:08:37,717
"Skibumpers time"?
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00:08:37,718 --> 00:08:40,384
- That's a good thing or...
- Bad! Very bad!
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00:08:40,467 --> 00:08:42,300
♪ And now I won't
beat around the bush ♪
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00:08:42,342 --> 00:08:44,717
♪ I'm here to give your world a push ♪
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00:08:44,759 --> 00:08:47,217
♪ To chaos, famine, and calamity ♪
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00:08:47,259 --> 00:08:49,467
♪ Beg and plead, it'll do no good ♪
190
00:08:49,509 --> 00:08:51,968
♪ I'm only turnin' back to wood ♪
191
00:08:52,009 --> 00:08:54,259
♪ If I remove this hat
of my own free will ♪
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00:08:54,300 --> 00:08:55,676
Doesn't quite rhyme.
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00:08:57,009 --> 00:08:59,259
♪ Rex has tricked me in the past ♪
194
00:08:59,300 --> 00:09:01,175
♪ But this time I'm not going back ♪
195
00:09:01,217 --> 00:09:05,216
♪ Your misery brings
me way too many smiles ♪
196
00:09:05,217 --> 00:09:06,926
How many verses does this
thing have? [music stops]
197
00:09:07,118 --> 00:09:09,118
What? What?
Were you not enjoying that song?
198
00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:12,325
It was really just for your benefit.
I mean, it is more work for me.
199
00:09:12,367 --> 00:09:14,159
Yeah, how 'bout I just
skip to the big finish?
200
00:09:15,909 --> 00:09:18,033
[music continues]
# Mr. Skibumpers #
201
00:09:18,034 --> 00:09:22,701
♪ Is here to stay! ♪
202
00:09:22,784 --> 00:09:25,367
- You son of a bitch!
- Take it easy, Rex!
203
00:09:25,450 --> 00:09:29,367
- Santa Claus is real because of him!
- His wishes are traps!
204
00:09:29,409 --> 00:09:32,159
Last time he got out, he
tricked Captain Elastic
205
00:09:32,200 --> 00:09:35,492
into wishing for a giant penis
and the next thing we knew,
206
00:09:35,534 --> 00:09:37,742
we were fighting
a 400-foot rooster!
207
00:09:37,784 --> 00:09:39,826
[chuckles] He should have chosen
his words more wisely.
208
00:09:39,867 --> 00:09:41,159
Come on, Rex.
209
00:09:41,200 --> 00:09:43,700
Cooch asked for Santa to be real.
Christmas wins!
210
00:09:43,701 --> 00:09:45,076
All other holidays
are now null and void!
211
00:09:45,118 --> 00:09:47,034
- Now, wait a minute...
- No, I think he's got us.
212
00:09:47,076 --> 00:09:49,534
What harm could
come from giving a gift
213
00:09:49,575 --> 00:09:52,199
to every good boy
and girl on Earth?
214
00:09:52,200 --> 00:09:55,866
Which, according to this
list, appears to be over...
215
00:09:55,867 --> 00:09:59,409
950 million children?
I better get moving!
216
00:09:59,492 --> 00:10:01,534
Let's see here.
Uh, American Ranger,
217
00:10:01,617 --> 00:10:04,659
I believe you asked for one
of these when you were five.
218
00:10:04,701 --> 00:10:06,118
A Shirley Temple doll.
219
00:10:06,159 --> 00:10:09,701
My father beat me half to
death just for asking for it.
220
00:10:09,742 --> 00:10:11,450
Hmm-hmm, Jew, Jew.
221
00:10:11,492 --> 00:10:15,283
- And what did you ask for, young lady?
- A dune buggy.
222
00:10:15,325 --> 00:10:17,283
Ho-ho!
Now surely you see
223
00:10:17,325 --> 00:10:21,325
- I can't fit a dune buggy into this...
- Holy shit!
224
00:10:21,367 --> 00:10:25,118
How did... no, no, no.
L... Let's not think about it.
225
00:10:25,200 --> 00:10:28,700
Ho-ho-ho!
And for you, Titanium Rex?
226
00:10:28,701 --> 00:10:32,534
I don't want anything from
a Skibumper's abomination,
227
00:10:32,575 --> 00:10:35,159
and I kindly ask you
to leave my mansion.
228
00:10:35,200 --> 00:10:40,492
Sure, sure, just as soon as I give
this Black Saturn fellow his gift.
229
00:10:40,534 --> 00:10:42,200
Saturn's not here.
He went home.
230
00:10:42,283 --> 00:10:43,866
Come on!
I'll show you where he lives.
231
00:10:43,867 --> 00:10:46,992
[thumping] Well, it sounds
like my sleigh is on the roof!
232
00:10:47,034 --> 00:10:49,199
Not sure of the best
way to get up there.
233
00:10:49,200 --> 00:10:50,659
Do you have a ladder or a...
234
00:10:50,701 --> 00:10:51,784
Whoa! Help me!
235
00:10:51,826 --> 00:10:53,867
- Santa!
- It hurts!
236
00:10:53,909 --> 00:10:55,450
[screams]
237
00:10:55,492 --> 00:10:58,192
You guys got any more of that Fanta?
238
00:11:00,701 --> 00:11:03,992
Another nesting doll?
What the frick?!
239
00:11:03,993 --> 00:11:06,867
Mom let Verushka do the
Christmas shopping this year.
240
00:11:06,909 --> 00:11:08,617
This is worse than
that year that they got me
241
00:11:08,701 --> 00:11:12,076
a mail-order bride from Russia
because they were "worried about me."
242
00:11:12,118 --> 00:11:13,951
I wonder whatever happened
to that wildebeest.
243
00:11:14,034 --> 00:11:15,366
Hey! That was me!
244
00:11:15,367 --> 00:11:17,659
I-It was my loss.
You blossomed.
245
00:11:17,701 --> 00:11:19,242
Look, I'm just gonna cut to the chase.
246
00:11:19,325 --> 00:11:21,533
I did a little Christmas
shopping for myself.
247
00:11:21,534 --> 00:11:23,866
The entire Yeezy
season one fashion line,
248
00:11:23,867 --> 00:11:26,033
including Yeezy Boost 350s.
249
00:11:26,034 --> 00:11:28,283
Not a whole lotta money
left over for your gifts.
250
00:11:28,325 --> 00:11:30,283
Like, you know, none.
251
00:11:30,325 --> 00:11:31,534
Look, brother!
[yelps]
252
00:11:31,617 --> 00:11:35,826
It's midnight.
It's officially Christmas morning.
253
00:11:35,867 --> 00:11:39,118
You never opened my present.
254
00:11:39,159 --> 00:11:42,076
You got me a present?!
This better be a freakin' Apple Watch!
255
00:11:42,118 --> 00:11:45,867
Do you remember when we
used to play hero and villain?
256
00:11:45,909 --> 00:11:49,367
[gun cocks] I thought
we could play one last time.
257
00:11:49,409 --> 00:11:51,409
Ho-ho-ho! Ah!
[bones crack]
258
00:11:51,450 --> 00:11:54,366
[screams]
Ah, my bones!
259
00:11:54,367 --> 00:11:56,199
Cooch: You okay, Santa?
260
00:11:56,200 --> 00:11:59,409
Was that a chimney
or a [bleep] gas line?
261
00:11:59,492 --> 00:12:03,492
I mean, uh, ho-ho-ho!
Merry Christmas!
262
00:12:03,534 --> 00:12:06,784
- Father Frost!
- No [bleep] way!
263
00:12:06,826 --> 00:12:08,951
Look, I'm in a hurry.
Here's what your heart desires.
264
00:12:08,992 --> 00:12:10,283
"Resident Evil VII"?
265
00:12:10,325 --> 00:12:12,199
That's impossible!
This isn't even out yet!
266
00:12:12,200 --> 00:12:14,784
The bag made it.
I'm not sure how, but...
267
00:12:14,826 --> 00:12:16,118
Yeah, yeah, yeah, who cares?
268
00:12:16,159 --> 00:12:17,784
I wanna play it!
Outta my way!
269
00:12:17,826 --> 00:12:19,450
We did not ask for anything.
270
00:12:19,492 --> 00:12:22,909
The bag knows what you need.
It just knows!
271
00:12:22,951 --> 00:12:25,909
Oh, God, looks like it's time to go!
272
00:12:25,951 --> 00:12:29,450
Oh! Oh God!
[screams]
273
00:12:30,575 --> 00:12:32,034
Sorry, Mom and Dad.
274
00:12:32,076 --> 00:12:34,242
We're spending Christmas in
a creepy house of horrors.
275
00:12:34,283 --> 00:12:36,034
"Resident Evil VII," baby!
276
00:12:36,076 --> 00:12:39,367
[ding] Ah! The centerpiece
of any yuletide feast.
277
00:12:39,409 --> 00:12:41,366
What the...
[all exclaiming]
278
00:12:41,367 --> 00:12:43,742
- My Christmas turkey!
- My Hanukkah latkes!
279
00:12:43,826 --> 00:12:46,404
- My Kwanzaa jerk chicken!
- Do you see what happens
280
00:12:46,439 --> 00:12:48,450
when you open December
25th to all traditions?
281
00:12:48,492 --> 00:12:50,701
Hanukkah was celebrated
long before Christmas.
282
00:12:50,784 --> 00:12:52,483
Kwanzaa ain't gonna win this one,
283
00:12:52,484 --> 00:12:55,076
- but it's not goin' anywhere!
- Uh, guys?
284
00:12:55,118 --> 00:12:59,534
This latke and jerk chicken
stuffed turkey is delicious!
285
00:12:59,575 --> 00:13:03,992
Well, there's one more.
Only a billion more to go!
286
00:13:04,034 --> 00:13:06,325
Could we not look
at the hard numbers?
287
00:13:06,367 --> 00:13:08,701
I'm beginning to feel
a little overwhelmed.
288
00:13:08,742 --> 00:13:11,866
Weird to think 30 minutes
ago you didn't even exist.
289
00:13:11,867 --> 00:13:13,742
And then, boom!
Santa!
290
00:13:13,784 --> 00:13:16,033
I wonder where you were before that?
291
00:13:16,034 --> 00:13:17,617
Does this thing have a radio or a...
292
00:13:17,701 --> 00:13:20,367
Hey, do you think that bag
could work me up a quesadilla?
293
00:13:20,409 --> 00:13:23,199
I don't think there's
much that bag can't do.
294
00:13:23,200 --> 00:13:24,200
Let's take a look!
295
00:13:24,242 --> 00:13:26,242
[bag shrieking]
296
00:13:26,325 --> 00:13:29,200
[sobbing] # Silent night, holy night #
297
00:13:29,283 --> 00:13:32,199
♪ All is calm, all is bright ♪
298
00:13:32,200 --> 00:13:34,118
Where's the adult programming?
299
00:13:34,159 --> 00:13:35,423
[channels changing]
I haven't seen a naked woman,
300
00:13:35,447 --> 00:13:37,992
Skidoo or otherwise,
in thousands of years.
301
00:13:38,034 --> 00:13:39,909
Ah, you should make
yourself comfortable.
302
00:13:39,951 --> 00:13:41,701
Can I take your hat?
303
00:13:41,742 --> 00:13:43,992
What is this?
Freakin' amateur hour?
304
00:13:44,034 --> 00:13:47,242
Mister, you're dealing with
a trickster that knows all the tricks.
305
00:13:47,283 --> 00:13:49,409
Last time I told you
there was bird shit on it.
306
00:13:49,450 --> 00:13:51,951
[bleep] you, Rex.
We were at the beach.
307
00:13:51,992 --> 00:13:53,409
There were seagulls everywhere.
308
00:13:53,450 --> 00:13:55,450
Fool me once, uh... [bleep] you!
309
00:13:55,534 --> 00:13:59,118
- Ah! Give... give me this! Give...
- Ah-ah-ah. You know the rule.
310
00:13:59,200 --> 00:14:02,076
The hat only comes off
if I take it off.
311
00:14:02,159 --> 00:14:04,367
Now, are you gonna give me some privacy
312
00:14:04,409 --> 00:14:06,659
or do I need to sing it out for ya?
313
00:14:06,701 --> 00:14:09,366
♪ I'm gonna rub one out! ♪
314
00:14:09,367 --> 00:14:11,784
Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa!
No, no, no. I'll give you privacy!
315
00:14:13,034 --> 00:14:16,199
Uh, it's gettin' cold.
How many houses have we done?
316
00:14:16,200 --> 00:14:20,575
1,256.
99 million homes to go.
317
00:14:20,617 --> 00:14:24,159
22 hours left.
I'd have to bend space and time.
318
00:14:24,200 --> 00:14:26,367
- You doin' okay, dude?
- Okay?
319
00:14:26,409 --> 00:14:30,701
I've eaten almost 4,000 cookies
and pounded 200 gallons of milk.
320
00:14:30,742 --> 00:14:32,867
Why don't I have to go to the bathroom?!
321
00:14:32,909 --> 00:14:35,909
You're Santa Claus, dude.
It doesn't have to all make sense.
322
00:14:35,951 --> 00:14:37,200
Like... like how do you know
323
00:14:37,242 --> 00:14:39,575
if every kid on Earth
has been naughty or nice?
324
00:14:39,617 --> 00:14:44,575
[children's voices] I... I can hear them.
Every child on Earth.
325
00:14:44,659 --> 00:14:46,366
The black ones, red ones, white ones.
326
00:14:46,367 --> 00:14:49,575
Some of the Jewish ones.
Their voices filling my head!
327
00:14:49,659 --> 00:14:51,159
Jessica wants a dolly.
328
00:14:51,200 --> 00:14:53,784
Sammy wants his parents
to get back together.
329
00:14:53,826 --> 00:14:56,701
Get out. Get out.
Get out of my mind!
330
00:14:56,784 --> 00:14:59,492
The voices!
Make them stop!
331
00:14:59,534 --> 00:15:01,659
Santa! Pull up, dude!
332
00:15:01,701 --> 00:15:06,076
- I must silence the voices!
- Ah! Shit, shit, shit! See ya!
333
00:15:06,118 --> 00:15:07,076
Banzai!
334
00:15:09,575 --> 00:15:11,325
Oh, no! Santa?
335
00:15:11,367 --> 00:15:13,118
Santa: I can't die.
336
00:15:13,159 --> 00:15:15,242
[distorted] I am no man!
337
00:15:15,283 --> 00:15:17,909
I am a god!
338
00:15:17,951 --> 00:15:20,283
[laughs]
339
00:15:20,367 --> 00:15:24,450
Which one of you mother[bleep]
has been naughty?
340
00:15:29,075 --> 00:15:30,742
Alley-oop!
341
00:15:30,784 --> 00:15:33,451
- [laughs] Right!
- Those were handcrafted
342
00:15:33,534 --> 00:15:35,617
by my mama
in a Siberian work camp!
343
00:15:35,701 --> 00:15:36,949
Yeah. Great. Whatever.
344
00:15:36,950 --> 00:15:38,784
Uh, could I get back to
playing "Resident Evil"?
345
00:15:38,868 --> 00:15:40,075
I wanna try the VR.
346
00:15:40,117 --> 00:15:42,659
But we haven't given
you Dudley's gift yet.
347
00:15:42,701 --> 00:15:45,284
League alert: Superhuman disturbance
at Storm City Square.
348
00:15:45,325 --> 00:15:47,075
All League members requested.
349
00:15:47,117 --> 00:15:48,659
Well, looks like
you're doin' this one
350
00:15:48,701 --> 00:15:51,367
"Home Alone" style, Dudley.
I gotta go.
351
00:15:51,409 --> 00:15:53,784
Now, Dudley!
We must kill him now!
352
00:15:53,826 --> 00:15:58,950
Let him go, Verushka.
Let him go. [Burfy babbles]
353
00:15:58,992 --> 00:16:01,451
A turkey stuffed with jerk
chicken stuffed with latkes.
354
00:16:01,492 --> 00:16:03,325
What do we agree on?
It's delicious.
355
00:16:03,367 --> 00:16:04,868
But to what tradition does it belong?
356
00:16:04,950 --> 00:16:08,242
We should call it a
Hannuzaamas lat-turk-jerk!
357
00:16:08,284 --> 00:16:09,616
No, no, no, how 'bout this, though?
358
00:16:09,617 --> 00:16:10,784
Kwachriska jerky-la-turkey?
359
00:16:10,826 --> 00:16:13,847
If only there was a
catch-all term that included
360
00:16:13,848 --> 00:16:16,868
all of these traditions while
respecting their individuality.
361
00:16:16,909 --> 00:16:18,868
Oh, pick a side, Jewbot!
362
00:16:18,909 --> 00:16:21,451
Gear up!
Santa's gone blood-crazy
363
00:16:21,534 --> 00:16:24,200
and is tearing a chunk
out of Storm City.
364
00:16:25,576 --> 00:16:27,159
Santa: Your god is here!
365
00:16:27,200 --> 00:16:30,992
There is nowhere to
run, for I am everywhere!
366
00:16:31,033 --> 00:16:32,492
Cooch, what happened?
367
00:16:32,534 --> 00:16:35,367
What do you want me to say, man?
I got Skibumpered.
368
00:16:35,409 --> 00:16:38,409
Okay, team, we hit him hard
and we hit him fast.
369
00:16:38,451 --> 00:16:42,534
Santa, you've got two seconds
to pack up your fat red ass
370
00:16:42,617 --> 00:16:44,283
and head back to the North Pole!
371
00:16:44,284 --> 00:16:49,117
But I have not given you your gift.
The gift of oblivion!
372
00:16:58,117 --> 00:16:59,284
[shouts]
373
00:17:02,284 --> 00:17:05,325
Time to ring the
Christmas bells, bitch!
374
00:17:05,367 --> 00:17:07,493
What?
Well, then [bleep] you! Ya!
375
00:17:07,528 --> 00:17:10,033
[screams]
376
00:17:10,075 --> 00:17:12,826
Oh, Santa! This...
This isn't you!
377
00:17:12,868 --> 00:17:15,492
You're supposed to be
spreading yuletide cheer.
378
00:17:15,534 --> 00:17:19,659
You should welcome this!
Join me, and together we will force
379
00:17:19,701 --> 00:17:23,784
every other holiday to
bow before Christmas!
380
00:17:23,826 --> 00:17:27,450
No. I used to think that
was the American way,
381
00:17:27,451 --> 00:17:30,992
but today I tasted a
turkey that had been filled
382
00:17:31,075 --> 00:17:34,783
with Jamaican chicken
and Israeli potatoes.
383
00:17:34,784 --> 00:17:37,117
All of this has been
keeping other holidays down!
384
00:17:37,159 --> 00:17:39,534
It's fascist!
You're not Old Saint Nick!
385
00:17:39,576 --> 00:17:41,451
You're Christmas Hitler!
386
00:17:41,534 --> 00:17:44,950
And we're the Allies,
allies of Christmas.
387
00:17:45,033 --> 00:17:47,534
[screams]
[grunting]
388
00:17:51,159 --> 00:17:53,868
Stop this!
What is it you want?
389
00:17:53,909 --> 00:17:55,701
What do I desire?
390
00:17:55,742 --> 00:17:59,451
No... No one has ever
asked me what... I want.
391
00:17:59,492 --> 00:18:02,284
How is it I know the
desires of all humanity,
392
00:18:02,325 --> 00:18:04,949
but my heart remains a mystery?
393
00:18:04,950 --> 00:18:07,107
No! No, no, no, no!
This is a trick!
394
00:18:07,122 --> 00:18:10,534
I am a god!
What could I possibly desire?
395
00:18:10,617 --> 00:18:12,616
Shit, dude!
Let's find out!
396
00:18:12,617 --> 00:18:13,784
Wait a...
397
00:18:18,117 --> 00:18:20,701
- Where did he go?
- The bag, Rex.
398
00:18:20,742 --> 00:18:22,868
He went into the bag.
399
00:18:26,284 --> 00:18:29,584
[whimsical music plays]
400
00:18:29,701 --> 00:18:33,659
It's so beautiful.
401
00:18:33,701 --> 00:18:37,576
Have no fear. The League
has neutralized Santa Claus.
402
00:18:37,617 --> 00:18:40,868
- Christmas is saved!
- But... But how?
403
00:18:40,909 --> 00:18:45,367
There can't be a Christmas
without Santa. [cries]
404
00:18:45,451 --> 00:18:47,616
Of course there will
still be a Christmas.
405
00:18:47,617 --> 00:18:51,284
Will there be? All our
presents were in our van!
406
00:18:52,284 --> 00:18:53,616
Uh...
407
00:18:53,617 --> 00:18:55,325
[heavy breathing echoing]
408
00:18:57,284 --> 00:18:59,242
[breathing continues]
409
00:19:02,284 --> 00:19:03,909
[hammering]
410
00:19:13,659 --> 00:19:15,409
[ding]
Oh, my.
411
00:19:18,742 --> 00:19:20,492
[gasps]
412
00:19:20,534 --> 00:19:22,868
Please!
We were only trying to help!
413
00:19:22,909 --> 00:19:26,033
If you really wanna help,
you'll bring back Santa Claus!
414
00:19:26,075 --> 00:19:31,117
- Did someone say my name?
- Santa Claus? [music]
415
00:19:31,159 --> 00:19:35,909
- Yes, but aren't we all?
- You seem at peace.
416
00:19:35,950 --> 00:19:39,284
The bag has given me
that which I desired,
417
00:19:39,325 --> 00:19:42,576
knowledge of the true
meaning of Christmas.
418
00:19:42,617 --> 00:19:46,200
- And what is it?
- That is for you to decide.
419
00:19:46,242 --> 00:19:47,742
Kind of a cop out.
420
00:19:49,950 --> 00:19:51,284
[crowd gasps]
421
00:19:53,033 --> 00:19:55,451
Santa, I... I... I don't
know if you remember,
422
00:19:55,492 --> 00:19:58,075
but I never technically
asked for my gift.
423
00:19:58,117 --> 00:20:01,492
Worry not, Rex.
I have your back.
424
00:20:01,534 --> 00:20:03,868
[on TV] # Merry Christmas #
425
00:20:03,909 --> 00:20:05,617
♪ Merry Christmas ♪
426
00:20:05,659 --> 00:20:07,409
[TV turns off]
[Rex, high-pitched] Oh, hi there.
427
00:20:07,451 --> 00:20:10,284
A female Skidoo! How?
428
00:20:10,325 --> 00:20:12,451
I'm a present from Santa.
429
00:20:12,492 --> 00:20:15,284
I'm here to show you a good time.
430
00:20:15,325 --> 00:20:19,826
Eh, although, Santa told me
you were a man of manners.
431
00:20:19,909 --> 00:20:21,451
My apologies.
432
00:20:22,950 --> 00:20:27,909
[Rex laughs] No! Rex!
You fiddledee-[bleep]-face!
433
00:20:27,950 --> 00:20:31,451
You haven't seen the last of me!
434
00:20:33,451 --> 00:20:34,950
Thank you, Santa.
435
00:20:34,992 --> 00:20:37,784
- Did somebody say my name?
- [yelps] Oh.
436
00:20:37,826 --> 00:20:39,826
Maybe we should find
you a place to stay.
437
00:20:39,868 --> 00:20:41,826
Away... from here?
438
00:20:41,868 --> 00:20:45,075
Well, Santa, this should
be a nice little getaway.
439
00:20:45,117 --> 00:20:48,576
And I've seen you've already
made yourself at home.
440
00:20:48,617 --> 00:20:50,534
You really do drink
a lotta milk, don't you?
441
00:20:50,617 --> 00:20:54,325
Oh, Rex, the protein
found in milk is barbaric.
442
00:20:54,367 --> 00:20:59,492
This is Soylent, a drinkable
meal for a more evolved Santa.
443
00:20:59,576 --> 00:21:03,841
- I don't even need cookies anymore.
- Spectacular!
444
00:21:03,876 --> 00:21:06,949
So, look, I think the people of
Earth are all on the same page.
445
00:21:06,950 --> 00:21:09,367
They'll provide gifts
for their own children
446
00:21:09,409 --> 00:21:11,283
and you could take it easy down here.
447
00:21:11,284 --> 00:21:12,701
[laughs]
448
00:21:12,742 --> 00:21:14,200
Nonsense!
449
00:21:14,242 --> 00:21:19,534
Tell one and all that Santa
will be back next year!
450
00:21:19,576 --> 00:21:22,576
And it would be in their best interest
451
00:21:22,617 --> 00:21:27,033
[emphatically] to be very, very good.
452
00:21:27,075 --> 00:21:30,617
- That sounds threatening.
- Only if you've been bad, Rex.
453
00:21:30,659 --> 00:21:32,492
[laughs]
454
00:21:33,784 --> 00:21:36,367
Pretty sure we just
created a monster.
455
00:21:36,451 --> 00:21:38,584
Merry Christmas, world!
456
00:21:39,883 --> 00:21:40,967
Cooch: Damn, dudes!
457
00:21:41,009 --> 00:21:43,759
This turkle-durka-jermski
is tasty as hell!
458
00:21:43,800 --> 00:21:45,800
Cooch, that is the
flavor of many different
459
00:21:45,842 --> 00:21:48,925
and contradictory ideas
existing in harmony.
460
00:21:48,967 --> 00:21:51,092
And since we're surrounded
by friends and food,
461
00:21:51,134 --> 00:21:53,196
we decided that instead
of arguing about whose
462
00:21:53,197 --> 00:21:55,259
holiday is right, the
best way to enjoy it all
463
00:21:55,301 --> 00:21:57,676
would be to just shut
the [bleep] up about it.
464
00:21:58,218 --> 00:22:00,718
And God bless us everyone!
465
00:22:00,759 --> 00:22:03,759
And I mean God, not
that Yahweh bullshit.
466
00:22:03,800 --> 00:22:06,175
Mr. Skibumpers: So, not
your traditional Christmas,
467
00:22:06,217 --> 00:22:09,259
no, not at all,
with me turned back to wood,
468
00:22:09,301 --> 00:22:11,092
because I tried to [bleep] a doll.
469
00:22:11,134 --> 00:22:15,551
But one thing is crystal clear
to this old, mean Skidoo:
470
00:22:15,634 --> 00:22:18,300
The holidays only come alive
471
00:22:18,301 --> 00:22:21,460
when all of you do you.
472
00:22:21,495 --> 00:22:24,092
Also, when I get out of here,
I'm going to murder all of you.
473
00:22:24,134 --> 00:22:27,079
I hope that goes without saying.
Merry Christmas!
474
00:22:27,114 --> 00:22:29,736
["Deck the Halls" playing]
475
00:22:29,737 --> 00:22:31,737
/wait for it.../
476
00:22:46,175 --> 00:22:48,050
Huh! Yeah!
[grunts]
477
00:22:49,634 --> 00:22:53,050
Ah-ha! Ah, this a little more
bone-chilling than I thought.
478
00:22:53,092 --> 00:22:55,883
I mean, usually I'd love
it, but on Christmas?
479
00:22:55,967 --> 00:22:57,467
Uh, hey. Hey, Dudley?
480
00:22:57,509 --> 00:23:00,551
I... I need you to take the
PlayStation VR headset off.
481
00:23:00,634 --> 00:23:02,301
I mean, I'd do it myself,
482
00:23:02,342 --> 00:23:04,925
but I'm sort of paralyzed
with terror right now.
483
00:23:04,967 --> 00:23:06,919
Paralyzed, eh?
[gulping]
484
00:23:06,954 --> 00:23:10,300
Maybe I have one more
present for you. Come to Mama!
485
00:23:10,301 --> 00:23:13,050
- Oh, God! Is that the game?
- Verushka: Where do you think you're going?
486
00:23:13,092 --> 00:23:15,633
- Ah! Ah! Oh, God, too real!
- Verushka wants a stocking stuffer!
487
00:23:15,634 --> 00:23:16,967
Ah, it's too real!
488
00:23:17,050 --> 00:23:18,967
[cries] It's too real!
489
00:23:21,656 --> 00:23:24,912
sync & correction by f1nc0
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