Ripped & Corrected By mstoll
Gawd, I hope this is the final.
- Are you ready? Are you sure? - I'm ready.
- One, two, three. - Come on.
All right.
- I'm not playing if you're gonna be silly. - Suit yourself. Don't do me no favours.
All right.
- 19-6. - Come on, it's my serve.
- Are you sure? - 19 and 6 equals 25.
At least it did when I went to school.
- All right, all right. It's only a game. - Give me the ball.
God, would you two get a move on?
It's like bleeding Chinese water torture in here.
- I'm winning, though, Mrs Moon. - She's never?
- I ain't even trying. - Oh, yes, you are.
Never seen you try so hard.
6-20. Match point.
The reason I've got so good
is they've got a table in the canteen at my dad's works now.
They can't expect him to eat his dinner off his lap.
No, it's a ping-pong table.
Are we playing or what?
I do it every day. It's ever such good exercise, you know.
Well, it don't seem to have done you much good, Veronica.
You've put on at least a stone since last summer.
- That's my glands, innit? - Mum, come on, it's my serve.
- You're in the way! Move! - Am I?
- Yes! - Oh, I am sorry.
Would you move, please?
God.
- 7-20. - That weren't fair. I weren't ready, was I?
I expect she took her eye off the ball!
Give us the ball and I'll do it again.
- I don't know where it is. - Well, look for it, then.
Oh!
Sorry.
Here, Mum, do you remember that Walt Disney film, Dumbo?
- The one about the fairy elephant? - That's not very funny, Maggie.
I'll have to put in in hot water now.
- That's that, then. She's only got one ball. - Her and Hitler.
Oh, it's lovely this New Look, innit?
Do you think Princess Elizabeth will get married in the New Look?
No, I expect she'll wear slacks and a head scarf and Phil will get his demob suit out of the pawn.
Don't you think King George would borrow him the money for a new whistle, eh?
Sometimes, Veronica, you still have the ability to amaze me.
- Thanks, Mrs Moon. - All right, Stan. Hello, Dad.
Hello, Mr Moon.
- We had a terrific weekend, Mum. - Always do my best.
We went up the Arsenal reserves, right. Then we went to see the Changing of the Guard.
Here, why do they keep changing 'em?
Cos my dad took me to see 'em once and they looked all right to me.
Stan, go and unpack your case.
His cold's cleared up anyway.
That's down to him. Keeping him standing all day on a freezing football terrace.
He wanted to go, he loved it. And since I only get access at weekends...
- Oh, don't start all that again. - I used to take Frieda out of a Saturday night.
If it's inconvenient, you don't have to see him at all.
- Sit down, Dad, I'll make you a nice cup of tea. - If your mum's solicitor don't object.
The kettle's on, Mr Moon. Because I've got a squashed ball.
Eh?
- Hot water's the only thing for it, innit? - We've been playing ping-pong.
Me and Veronica are having the day off work to watch the royal wedding.
- Front stalls at the Abbey? - No, sit out all night on the pavement.
- She'll have a cold next. - Rather you than me.
I don't see myself gawping at the crowned heads of Europe poncing down the Mall.
- They're all interbred, you know. - They are.
They're cousins on both sides. They shouldn't do it, it's very dangerous.
Very funny things can happen. My friend married her cousin, their boy had ears out here.
I must have had the water too hot. It's melted.
And your Clement Atlee has gone and offered her 100 extra clothing coupons for her frock.
We could do with that.
Be fair. Your wedding day is supposed to be the best day of your life.
- Yeah, but after that, it's downhill all the way. - Downhill all the way.
You'll never guess what happened at the council. I suppose I should be pleased.
Does this knife and fork signify there is something in the oven for my tea
or haven't you cleared the table since breakfast?
This Agatha Christie ain't half got me confused.
- Mum. - Oh, sorry, Harvey.
- There's some nice oxtail stew in the oven. - Lovely.
If I hadn't looked up the end, I wouldn't know where I was.
Mum, you have missed the point. It's supposed to be a whodunnit.
Oh, I know who done it. It was the vicar.
Miss Marple has just stumbled across a body in a greenhouse.
It's a big house, she's got about 17 people in the library
and the vicar hasn't even come in yet.
I think she's got the end wrong.
- Do you want to hear my news? - Yeah, course I do.
I've been given a committee chairmanship.
- Oh, good. - Yeah, in a way.
- But it's a bit embarrassing. - Why?
Because I was dead against the committee being formed in the first place.
Here comes the vicar.
Then the Tories ganged up with the more sentimental Labour group members
and decided we needed a Royal Wedding Committee.
A Royal Wedding Committee?
You're not chairing the Royal Wedding Committee?
Yeah, it's a bit ironic, isn't it?
Oh, Harvey, if your dad was alive, he'd be so proud of you now.
Yeah. It's a start, I suppose.
I may get Parks and Recreations next or Housing. A bloke can get his teeth into that.
Mind you, you've left it a bit late. She's getting married next Thursday.
- What exactly is this committee gonna do? - Its functions are twofold.
- The allocation of union jacks and bunting. - Bunting.
But the main thing is I've got to organise a buffet and ball.
- Can I put you and Geoff down for tickets? - You bet your socks.
We'll have a right knees-up. You've had a whip-round to buy her a present?
A present? My taxes are paying for her honeymoon, that's enough.
What do they want to make you chairman for?
Cos no one else wants the bleeding job.
I'm just a comedian, here to make you laugh.
Morning, Hilda. You're bright and early.
The agency always check up on us to make sure we put in a full day.
- Sounds like the Gestapo. - I don't mind. I like to make an effort.
I must say you look very nice for first thing Tuesday morning.
Oh, thank you, kind sir.
- Kettle on? - Yes. Mr Elliot wanted tea when he got in.
What, Mr Quentin's?
- Or do you mean Mr Richard? - Suppose so.
- Mr Quentin's son? - He said he was.
What did he look like?
Well, a bit...
That's him.
Oh. Hello, Harvey. I thought you were that nice temporary typist with a cup of tea for me.
- Splendid legs. - Well, I did play for the Orient.
It's so good to be back with your rapier-like wit again.
Got fed up with the Irish blarney? You've been away long enough.
I was entitled to a decent holiday. Hadn't been away since the war.
- How was Eire anyway? - Delightful.
Yes, it rained most of the time, but...
...there were compensations. - Colleen's?
Cream. Salmon. The lamb, they've got lamb.
It's all right for some, innit?
Why are you so jaundiced this morning?
I'd have thought, there you are, out alone in that office with that pretty little thing.
- Where is everybody, by the way? - Miss Sprake's visiting her mum.
Ryder's gone with your dad to take the minutes for some Law Society sub-committee.
Their presents will have to keep, then.
There you are. You can toast the Royal Couple on Thursday.
Don't talk to me about the Royal Couple.
Have you come just to spread gloom and despondency?
I have, as it happens.
Oh.
Did you know how I felt when you took on Rita's case?
I recall you being... put out.
Put out? I was bloody betrayed. You had no right...
- I didn't know you'd bear a grudge. - Grudge? It's not a matter of history.
She still won't let me see my boy except at weekends.
She's talking about citing me for desertion.
Well, perhaps it was an error of judgement...
Course it was a bleeding error of judgement.
You're representing the wife of an employee, friend and political comrade against him?
I'm wondering if it's an error of my judgement staying in your employment.
- You've really been saving this up. - I didn't want to say it before.
Might have spoiled your holiday.
Oh. Thanks.
Frieda?
- Harvey, don't come in, please! - Eh?
Please, you must wait outside.
What, and come back later?
- I'll be through in a second. - You got someone in there?
All right.
I'm finished now. You can come in.
If I'd have known that you was entertaining a gentleman caller...
- I beg your pardon? - Red light.
- Harvey, what can I tell you? Times are hard. - How many coupons do I need?
Is there no end to your talents?
- Yes, I know, it's incredible, isn't it? - Didn't know you were a photographer.
Well, not for a while. I used to use them just as reference for my paintings,
but now I'm beginning to...
- They're good. - Yeah?
- No, I'm still a little rusty. - So's that. What is it?
It's a vertical enlarger. It's a bit old, but it still works.
- I know how it feels. - You see?
At least Erich doesn't smile at the camera.
But I thought people were supposed to smile? Watch the birdie. Say cheese.
Harvey, this is not a snap.
This is a portrait of Erich. It's a study of Erich. I'm trying to show...
If you're trying to show that Erich is a miserable old sod, you've pulled it off.
You just don't understand, do you?
I'm trying to find a photographic style that complements my paintings.
I don't know, to find some sort of...
...synthesis between the actual and the interpretive.
You've lost me there.
I knew I would. Listen, congratulations on your appointment.
Your mother told me.
- The reluctant royalist. - Oh, yeah, that.
Ironic, innit? I sincerely hope you're free on Saturday night.
Saturday... Harvey, this is such short notice.
I'm gonna need your support.
Yes, but usually on Saturday nights you're busy with Stanley.
This weekend's different.
Oh, Harvey. You keep changing the rules. You must give me warning.
- I can't face it on my own. - I'm going to a dinner party with Adrian.
And he wants to show my photographs.
Oh, very nice.
- Why don't you come? Adrian won't mind. - I can't.
- I've got to be at my own ball. - Harvey, any other night.
Yeah, well, when Princess Margaret Rose gets hitched, I'll hold you to that.
Look, why don't you take someone else? I don't mind.
Eh?
Really, I don't.
I'm glad you don't mind, because that's exactly what I'm gonna do.
- Encore. - What?
Try again, Stanley.
Il y a un chat sur un table.
Une.
What, "une chat"?
No, "une table". Because, in French, table is feminine.
- Why? - It just is.
Feminine? Would you go out with a table that's got legs like this?
Stanley, some French words are masculine and some are feminine.
Oh. Here, Mags, if your legs were French, they'd be masculine.
Oi, you, don't be so bloody personal.
I don't get it, Uncle Leo.
Look, Stanley, as I've explained, some things in French are masculine
and some are feminine, regardless of sex.
Why can't things be things like in English?
Well, it's not entirely illogical.
I was taught
that masculine nouns are things that go over or into things...
That's terribly nice, Rita.
...whereas feminine nouns are things that are entered or covered.
- What sort of school did you go to? - It was approved.
It's turned out good, innit?
Yeah, I helped Mum turn this old dress into the New Look, Leo.
- I thought it was a brand-new outfit. - I thought it was a parachute.
- There's pins in the back of this. - Are you sure?
- How's the French going? - Mustn't grumble.
Uncle Leo's just explained some French nouns.
Table's feminine, legs are feminine and window's feminine.
I can't think of anything French that's masculine.
- That's why the Maginot Line fell apart. - Here's one there.
I've only called round to flog some tickets for the Royal Wedding...
- You've got tickets for the Royal Wedding? - Have you?
- No, the buffet and ball at Hackney Town Hall. - It's a limerick.
- There once was a Councillor Moon... - With a face like...
...like a lightly-stewed prune.
At a buffet and ball at Hackney Town Hall...
Someone ate it all up with a spoon.
I know you and Leo are good dancers.
- Of course, Harvey, I'll have a couple of tickets. - Thanks. That'll be a guinea.
How about you, Mags?
I dunno, I'll have to have a word with Tom first.
I could be your date for the night.
You had a contretemps with the Fräulein?
- That's French and German. - You getting on all right with languages?
Oh, oui, except Latin.
I hate Mr Barker. He throws a blackboard duster at you.
Anyway, it's not a proper language. No one speaks it any more.
It's what's known as a dead language, son.
- I speak a bit of Latin. - You?
Yeah, "decree nisi" is Latin, innit?
Anyway, if we didn't do more Latin, we could do more swimming.
The baths were closed all summer and now they're open, we can't go till next spring.
- There's plenty of time for swimming, son. - I'll get my tête down. Bonsoir, you lot.
Aw, gawd, he must be growing up if he can take himself to bed without being told five times.
Don't he know why the swimming baths were closed all through the summer?
No, all goes over the kids' heads, thank God.
I read the Americans are working on an anti-polio vaccine.
I hope they get their bloody skates on, that's all.
You sold your ticket. You ain't forgotten where the door is?
- Rita, tempus fugit. - I'm not cross.
We have Welsh rabbit,
sausages and mash potato,
eggs on toast, beans on toast...
I'll have the fish. As long as it hasn't got a lot of bones in it.
It's got to have some bones.
- Go on, Vi, live dangerously. - All right.
- Fish. - What afters have you got?
- There's some rhubarb dumplings. - I'll have some of that.
- With a portion of custard? - Of course.
Rhubarb.
- No "entray"? - What?
- Main course. - Oh, yeah.
I'll have the Welsh rabbit.
But after the rhubarb.
- Are you sure? - I just said so, didn't I?
- And two teas? - Yeah.
And two teas. Thank you.
Thank you.
Why do you order your afters before your starters?
Because last time I had my starters before my afters,
by the time I'd finished my starters, the afters was off.
Oh.
That was a lovely film.
I think that young Michael Redgrave is ever so handsome.
- Didn't think you still noticed those things, Vi. - Of course I do.
Wouldn't go out with you if you weren't a looker.
You're not so dusty yourself.
Who do you think he reminds me of?
- Michael Redgrave? - Yeah.
- Me? - No, seriously.
- Who do you think he reminds me of? - Your Harvey.
Oh, no, I mean I love my Harvey. That's different, innit? Do you give up?
- Ernie Bevin. - No. Prince Philip.
Who?
"Who?" He's only marrying Princess Elizabeth, isn't he?
Oh! Him. He's Greek, isn't he?
Yeah, well, nobody's perfect, Geoff.
You know Maggie and her friend Veronica?
- The simple one? - Yeah.
- She's not Greek? - No. They're gonna sleep out on the pavement.
You've lost me this time.
So they can get a better view of the wedding parade.
Oh. I see.
I wish I could see the wedding parade, Geoff.
We're a bit old for kipping in the street, Vi.
Yeah, I know.
Mind you, I did it for the old Queen's diamond jubilee.
- I bet you were quite a girl, eh? - I've had my moments.
One fish, one rhubarb with a portion of custard. Thank you.
Do you think we could watch it on a television set, Geoff?
Who do we know with a television set?
You told me your son had an electrical shop.
- Yeah, but... - He's bound to have one.
He might, but it's just he may not be watching it.
You don't sound very keen.
No, it's just that... well, Watford's a bit off the beaten track.
- Don't you want me to meet your son? - No.
- There's nothing the matter with him, is there? - He's not got two heads.
- Is it me you're ashamed of, then? - No. Don't be daft.
Well, then, I think it's high time we were introduced.
- I'll phone him after when I'm in the pub. - I didn't know we were going to the pub.
- Of course I'm going to the pub. - After that rhubarb?
All right!
Come on, you lot!
Wakey, wakey.
The sun's been up for hours. Come on, you lot.
Time to get up. Let's be having you.
Oh, yeah.
- Morning, Mags. - Did you sleep all right?
Can't remember. I was asleep.
- Oh, gawd. - Ooh.
What's the matter?
I've got a twinge in my... you know.
- What, your bum? - Shh.
- We've all got one, you know. - I think I've caught a chill.
- Trust you. - I knew I shouldn't have worn 'em.
Wore what?
Those frilly underpinnings your mum brought from France.
- You haven't? - I have.
What, in this weather, Veronica?
Yes. You can't wear flannelette, not for a state occasion, can you?
- You ought to sort things out with your Frieda. - Yeah, Geoff, I think you're right.
Why don't you bring her round to Albert's?
Go on, son, go in and say you're sorry.
Does a man good to swallow his pride sometimes.
Frieda, now, look...
Sorry.
Thanks, Harvey.
Still, at least it's not raining.
Yeah, it's a pity the sun's not shining for 'em.
The vicar was sick at my wedding.
Glad I weren't there.
Still, perhaps it'll clear up later.
Well, at least it ain't raining.
No. Oh... shall we go through?
- Where's Albert? - He's up on the roof.
You got a cat called Albert and all?
Oh, no.
He's adjusting the aerial.
Oh.
Very nice.
All matching.
How are the lads? My grandsons are doing their stint in the forces.
They're all right, but they don't write often enough.
No, they never do.
- Harvey was in India. - Oh.
Your Albert all right? It's snowing up there.
Ah, that's more like it.
Well done, Albert.
- He can't hear you through the tube. - Eh?
Oh!
Albert!
It's all right now!
Um... I'll put the kettle on, shall I?
Albert will be down directly.
Harvey, get the whisky.
Ooh, look.
Sorry.
Nearly forgot.
A little something to warm the cockles.
Whisky. Oh, you really shouldn't have.
Thank you very much. Would you put it on the sideboard, please?
Lena! Didn't you tell him?
Not exactly. No.
Oi! Aren't you supposed to be at school?
No, I've got the day off for the Princess's wedding.
- Wish I had. I'd come swimming with you. - You're joking, in't you?
- My mum warned me about blokes like you. - Getcha.
- 40 years, Dad. - No, 37, Albert.
Oh, don't be stupid, Dad. That wasn't exactly a flash in the pan, was it?
- Rosie and I agreed that whoever went first... - Dad!
How can anybody replace Mum? She was a marvellous woman.
- She was special. - My mum's not half bad either.
I can speak up for myself, Harvey, and I'm not gonna replace nobody.
In the park? Or more likely in the pub.
The ceremony's gonna start in a minute.
Why don't we all have a nice cup of tea?
All right.
You said Dad just wants to bring a couple of pals round.
You said we haven't seen him for months.
You never said nothing about some old gold digger.
- Albert! - It's nothing personal, Mrs Moon.
- Did he mean me? - I'm sure Albert didn't mean it.
He hadn't better, or I'll slap him round the ear hole.
- Albert gets excited. - Of course I get excited!
My mother has only been gone three years.
Albert, Violet is a friend of mine.
I'm afraid Albert flies off the handle every time Dad meets a lady.
I didn't know you were a philanderer, Geoff.
Oh, for gawd's sake. Look, why don't we all have a drink?
Oh, yes, that's always the bloody answer, isn't it?
Albert, I've got my own life to lead.
We're not stopping here for my mum to be insulted. Can you get us our coats?
- They can get their own coats. - We'll get our own coats.
- Albert doesn't mean it! - He sounds sincere to me.
I'm so sorry.
There is her Royal Highness...
They're coming!
- Can you see who it is? - I hope it's King Michael of Rumania.
He's lovely, he is. And he had to pay his own fare over.
- Yeah? - I went out with a boy from Rumania. Randolph.
He come from Romford.
Do you mind not pushing in the back there, please!
- Bloody cheek! - Yeah, bloody cheek!
I ain't kipped out all night just to have a look at your back. At-choo!
- Bless you. - I told you not to wear them French knickers.
They're coming!
I don't suppose there's any chance of you taking your helmet off?
- Why, can't you see? - No, she wants to spend a penny!
"I am proud of my country and my wife."
Oh...
Oh, look, there's a lovely picture of the Royal Couple. Don't she look happy?
It's only day one, innit?
Ah, it's not fair.
- I'll never get a chance to see it now. I'm too old. - Princess Margaret's coming up.
If I'd known Albert would cut up like that, I'd have slept out with Maggie and Veronica.
They didn't see nothing neither.
Or stayed at home and heard it on my wireless.
Never mind, Mum. Take you to the pictures next week. See it on the news.
But I wanted to see it for real.
- It ain't for real on the television. - At least it's on the same day!
- I dreamed about him last night. - Who?
Prince Philip.
I wonder if they'll have a boy or a girl.
Hey, Mum.
You don't think they had to get married, do you?
Ooh! You know that's treason?
Well, I won't tell if you won't.
Oh, Harvey, but that's such an honour.
Fancy that. Can't wait to tell my mum.
Being asked to be a judge.
No, no, no.
No, it's more a justice of the peace.
"By personal request of the King."
Well, only technically. Via the Lord Chancellor's office.
Oh, Lord Chancellor.
- He's head of all the judges, isn't he? - That's right.
- I'm learning so much in this job, Harvey. - Good.
It's far more interesting than when I was at the glue factory.
Do you think they want me here next week?
I will.
You. You're almost a judge, I'm just a typist.
As a matter of fact, I've got tickets for a show tonight. But I suppose you're tied up?
Well, I usually wash my hair on Fridays.
- Oh. - But it dries really quick.
Morning, all.
Coffee.
Well, I'd better beard the beast in his den.
I'll take that.
Enter!
Yes?
- I just wondered... - Yes.
...where Ryder is this morning?
I don't know that it's any of your business.
But he has a bad head cold so I told him to take the day off rather than infect the rest of us.
- Good idea. - Thank you.
My son is in court and Miss Sprake is, I believe, still visiting Leicestershire.
And that is the end of the news.
You did have some purpose in coming into my office, did you?
- This arrived this morning, sir, out of the blue. - It's also out of the question.
With respect, sir, it's official, sir.
A summons, no doubt, for failing to produce the coffee?
What on earth made you apply for the magistracy?
I didn't apply. Someone must have put my name forward.
And why on earth did they appoint you?
Probably the union from when I was a shop steward.
The union? But that's a conflict of interests.
- That's what I thought at first. - I'm relieved to hear it. Coffee, Moon.
But then I thought there's few enough working-class people on the bench.
A bloke that can understand the problems of the ordinary man in the street.
Moon, before you turn into Sir Galahad before my eyes,
be warned,
you cannot sit in the police court and remain in my employ.
More to the point,
I'm told there's a lot of it about in Kenya.
What, jobs?
No, coffee.
Now, are you sure you'll be all right?
It's only a bit of a cold, Mum.
You said you felt all achey.
I do a bit.
I know we've got a thermometer somewhere.
Stan, look, there's that green earring! I haven't seen that since summer.
That's lucky, innit?
- I don't think you've got a temperature. - Well, I do feel a bit hot.
Stay wrapped up. You're supposed to be in bed really.
I can't listen to the wireless in bed.
I've got to go down the salon. Veronica is off sick and all.
- Yeah, it's her cold I caught. - Mrs Vallence says she'll pop in.
- And I'll look back, all right? - Mum, I'll be all right. I ain't a kid.
What's the matter with you? You've just got over a cold.
Janice will catch a cold waiting for you to unlock the shop.
Blimey, you're right.
She said, "Can't you ring the bell?" I said, "I can, but I can't ride the bike!"
You got a train to catch?
- As it happens, I have. - Eh!
Sorry, Mum. Please may I leave the table?
- An old-fashioned thank you wouldn't go amiss. - Thanks. Very tasty. What was it?
- Half hour queuing at the butcher's. - Oh, meat, was it?
- Cheek. - Cheek? Eurgh!
Here, that's the second time you've shaved today.
- Hello. He's just doing his face. - Didn't you shave in the morning?
- Only had time to do the left side. - Never known him shave twice before.
- Where's he taking you? - Mum, go keep Miss Marple company.
Oh, a wink's as good as a nod.
Miss Marple? Oh, I'm sorry, you have company?
No, no. She's in my book.
You don't mind if I carry on, do you?
- No, no, course not, please. - Only I'm in a bit of a hurry.
Ah, yes, of course, the committee.
No, not the committee. Not tonight.
The other morning when Richard was round, why did you rush out?
Who? Oh, Dick Elliot.
Well, course, he's more your sort.
Cultured. Well-off.
Didn't know he was a four-by-two.
What are you talking about?
- Harvey, why are you behaving like this? - You really don't know?
You're not still sulking about Adrian, are you?
Listen, if it's really so important...
I'll cancel my dinner.
No, I wouldn't want you to put yourself out.
Besides, I took your advice.
I got myself a date for tomorrow night and tonight and all.
Ah.
Right, we're starting.
All right, Stan? What are you doing wrapped up like a bag of laundry?
I got Veronica's cold, didn't I?
- Hello, my dear. It smells delicious. - It should, it's tinned.
- We nearly started without you. - The trolley came off the wires at Manor House.
Mags, sit at the table. The soup's ready.
That's the third time I've had that driver this week. He does it deliberately.
How you can all cope with that ghastly form of transport, I don't know.
- Now you know what it feels like. - Indeed I do.
The sooner I get some petrol coupons, the better.
- We'll have to give the White Unicorn a miss. - If it keeps me off the bus, who cares?
I think he's got a temperature.
Let's just hope he's better tomorrow.
He had a cold last week.
I know. He's not getting the right food.
Perhaps if you didn't boil everything to death.
Your mother means rations just aren't enough for a growing boy.
Yeah. Thank you, that is what I mean. You can't get vitamins.
- I hope it is only a cold. - What do you mean?
I know you'll think I'm stupid but when you have two colds one after the other...
This girl in the workshop, her sister had two colds.
But she had been swimming.
Hang on.
Here, Mags, any more of that soup?
Stanley.
How do you feel? Achey?
Well, a bit.
- Wobbly? - Yeah.
Stanley, you haven't been to the swimming baths lately, have you?
No, course not.
Look what was under his bed.
You stupid little bugger!
You never bleeding listen, do you?
What?
- Don't want a drink, do you? - I think I need one after sitting through that lot.
- Get you a pint, shall I? - Harvey.
- Light ale, all right? - Lovely.
- It's like a rugby scrum. - Thought you was a footballer?
I was.
Until I did my cartilage.
Funny crowd, ain't they?
- Theatregoers? - Yeah.
- Do you see what he's getting at? - Who?
Priestley.
Is he the one pretending to be Professor Linden?
- No, JB Priestley. He wrote it. - Oh.
They don't make it up as they go along, the actors.
Put 'em on stage without a script, they wouldn't know their arse from their elbow.
I know that. I do go to the pictures.
It's just I've never seen nothing in a proper theatre before.
- First time for everything. - I hope so.
I think he's got his head well screwed on, Priestley.
He's trying to get our message across to the middle classes.
You see, Napoleon said that we are a nation of shopkeepers.
No, no, I tell a lie. I have seen the panto.
So how come you know so much about theatre, then?
I used to go out with someone... She'd have enjoyed this.
I didn't say I wasn't enjoying it.
Only, do we have to stay for the second half?
- Don't you want to see what happens? - No, not really.
The poor little scamp.
He's always been so keen on his sport.
His football and cricket and running and swimming.
- I'm sure he will be all right. - But suppose...
Mrs Moon, we don't know anything. You must try not to think the worst.
Well, why isn't Harvey here? That show must have been finished an hour ago.
Harvey will have had to escort the young lady to her door, he's always a gentleman.
About blooming time!
You needn't bother to take that coat off, neither!
- Harvey. - No one else here?
- No. - I come round as soon as I heard.
I would have gone to the hospital, only Rita didn't tell my mum which one.
I don't know which either. She just flagged down the first passing lorry.
- Which hospital is he in? - I don't know.
- She was in such a state when she left. - I'm gonna make a start.
- I'll go round them all. - Harvey, wait a minute.
I'd do something about my collar, if I were you.
In any case, they're almost certainly on their way back now.
You've no doubt missed them. I was going to give it another hour,
make myself a cup of tea and wait for news.
- It's probably nothing. - Polio ain't nothing.
Mum said he'd been swimming.
What's Rita thinking of?
Come on, you can't blame Rita. Stanley played truant.
Truant? If his mum and dad were still together...
Come on, I've known this family a long time now and I've seen you lavish love and affection...
You know where I was when he really needed me?
Poncing about at the theatre picking the bones out of JB Priestley
- with some silly little tart from the office. - You can't feel guilty about that.
Can't I? You've seen one of them iron lungs.
You can't play football in one of them, I tell you.
Oh, hello.
Princess Elizabeth, God bless her.
- I must have dozed off. - Me and all.
- How could I sleep with Stan? - Oh, Mum, it ain't your fault.
God bless... Prince Philip.
Must be gone 12:00. We'd better go home.
God bless the Duke of Wellington.
Stayed open all day, the Duke of Wellington did.
- Be quiet or I'll call the police. - God bless you!
I have asked you to be quiet.
Disturbing sick people.
Mrs Moon.
I told you we'll know nothing until morning when Mr Milner sees him.
Mister? I want him to see a doctor.
Mum, a mister is a doctor. The head doctor.
I used to be a nurse.
You look too nice to be a nurse.
Then you should know better than to sit around cluttering up my hospital.
Go home.
I warned you.
Quiet!
Give them a uniform, they're all the same.
Come in.
- I hope you don't mind. - Of course not. Please come in.
Have you had any news about Stanley?
No, not yet. Maggie said she'd phone about now, that's why, if you don't mind...
- Please make yourself at home. - I've got Harvey with me.
That's fine.
- I'll never forgive myself. I was out on the town. - No, Harvey, you can't blame yourself.
I didn't see him for six years.
Hello.
Hang on a tick.
Frieda.
Hello.
Hello, Adrian, I can't talk to you right now because we're waiting for an important call.
Yes, yes, I'll call you back this afternoon. Goodbye.
- I hope we aren't putting you to any trouble. - No, of course not.
Ooh, someone at the door.
Hello, I'm a friend of Harvey's. I'm sorry if I've called at an awkward time.
- You have. - Ah.
- Only, you weren't at work. - I'm sorry.
Something sort of cropped up.
- Nothing serious, I hope? - Harvey's son has been taken to hospital.
Nothing to disrupt office procedure for.
We don't know it's polio yet, Harvey, God willing.
Goodness me. Anything I can do to help?
Are you a doctor?
Mrs Moon, this is Mr Elliot, Harvey's employer.
- Oh, really? - Mrs Moon. I'm pleased to meet you.
Oh, he's a lot younger than I thought.
He's the younger Mr Elliot.
Oh, then he's a lot older than I thought. Harvey's always talking about you.
- Mum, I'm not in the mood for small talk. - All right, all right.
- Is he taking you to the Saturday pictures? - Harvey, don't.
The only reason I called round the other day was to ask Frieda to mediate.
Richard wanted me to be a sort of peacemaker.
- You never told me that. - You never gave me the chance.
- You just jumped to silly conclusions. - From a great height.
Why doesn't the bloody phone ring?
I was gonna give some good news but perhaps now's not the time.
- I could do with some of that. - Ah, in that case.
After a long and tedious argument with my father,
I finally persuaded him to allow you to take up the magistrate's appointment.
It wasn't easy. I convinced him it might reflect well on the practice.
- Why did you do that? Guilty conscience. - Not at all.
It was me who prompted the Labour Party to put your name forward in the first place.
It was a long time ago, but the Lord Chancellor's office finally shifted the bump.
So he can take his rightful place on the bench.
Do they know Harvey's not posh?
Exactly. He's the man in the street. Everyman.
He'll make a fair-minded magistrate. One the offender can identify with.
Sounds like a bit of a back-handed compliment to me.
It wasn't meant to be.
I hope the boy's all right.
- I'll be thinking of you. - Thanks.
Right. Better get back to the office.
There's just me and that pretty temporary typist.
- You want to watch your step with her. - You know Hilda?
Harvey says she's flighty.
Ah.
Did she enjoy the theatre, Harvey?
Is that my dinner? About time.
Sounds chirpy enough.
Yes, he was running a slight temperature on admission, but since then...
Then why did we admit?
Mother was hysterical. The child was complaining of aching limbs.
And he'd been to a swimming pool which was implicated in several cases during the summer.
Very well.
How do you feel, young man?
Well, I was feeling a bit funny at first.
But I'm all right now.
Oh, a doctor, are you?
- No. - Well, I am.
And we'll decide if you're all right, OK?
You were complaining of aching limbs.
Apparently you had a similar attack last week.
It was only a bit of a cold.
Oh, I see.
Right, let's get on, sister.
Are my mum and dad here?
They're outside and they can come in and comfort...
I mean visit you,
as soon as we've finished.
Nurse.
The... lumbar puncture if you please.
Right, Stanley.
I want you to take off your pyjama bottoms,
roll into a little ball,
and be very, very brave.
You ain't sticking that up me.
I'll get my mum onto you.
I can't stand the smell in these places.
How can you just sit there?
You got a hanky?
Not for me.
How is he?
There's certainly no sign of paralysis.
Thank God.
Ah, Rita, my dear, you're back.
- How is he? What's the news? - We can breathe again.
- He's all right. - Thank God for that.
You sit yourself down, I'll make you a cup of tea.
No, forget about that. I'm having a drink. What a relief.
- Hello, Leo. Oh. - Oh, Harvey.
You shouldn't order cabs when you can't afford 'em.
Leo, you ain't got a shilling, have you?
- Of course. - He was only sixpence short.
- I've got to give him a tip. - Is he outside?
- He's at the door. - Come on, what are you having?
- Does this mean we're walking home? - I'll have another word with Leo.
Mags, what are you having?
- What are you having? - Gin.
Don't. It makes you violent. I'll have a port.
- Do you want something? - I'll have a gin.
- You must be very relieved, Mrs Moon. - I've been worried sick.
Well, cheers. Here's to Stan.
Poor little mite. All that suffering.
Here's to us. When the chips are down, we're still a family.
You should never have let him go swimming in the first place.
You can't blame Rita for that. She didn't know the boy had gone swimming.
She's his mother. She should take more care of him.
I suppose you know everything Harvey gets up to?
- He's old enough to take care of hisself. - No, he ain't.
- How do you know? - You never even taught him to swim.
Last time we took him to a beach, he had to be rescued.
- That was because of the landmines. - They were no bleeding landmines.
Gawd.
Gin don't make you violent, it makes you mad.
Oh, good! In that case, I'll have another one, if I'm gonna be stuck here.
We touched on this once in a St John's Ambulance lesson. It's psychological.
People build up all this tension, then it has to explode.
They saw a lot of it in the Air Force with blokes coming back from bombing.
Your dad wouldn't know about that.
- Don't anybody bother to ask me to sit down. - There's a chair.
Why are you starting on me? I haven't said anything.
Because she cares about you.
What are you on about?
If you didn't care about each other, you'd have nothing to fight about!
- I suppose it makes sense. - No, it don't.
I still think that boy is gonna run wild.
You should take your mother home. These prefabs aren't built to last.
Come on, Mum, we're going home.
Oh, good! We could have gone home in the first place.
I hope I'm gonna see you all at the dance tonight?
- Of course. - Thanks for the drink.
Have you ever thought of a family holiday?
Lovely.
- You coming tonight, Mags? - No. Tom says he's sick.
- He says he's sick? - He says he's sick!
Well, you could always dance with me.
- I don't want to dance with you. - Tart.
If you two are gonna dance together who'll dance with me?
- Don't do your Boris Karloff now. - Boris Karloff?
You ain't half put some weight on round your neck, Harvey.
You say the sweetest things. People will think I'm the waiter.
I mean, I hope to God I'm not the only bloke in this rig-out.
It don't say black tie on the ticket.
What did you go and hire it for, then?
The committee resolved that I should be dressed for the occasion. Never again.
So, when is our carriage arriving?
I don't fancy getting on the trolley bus dressed like this.
Oh, sorry.
You've got a nerve showing your face around here after the way I was spoken to.
Now, now, Vi. Here's a little peace offering.
Oh, you do look lovely, Vi.
All red, white and blue.
Great news about the lad, eh, Harvey?
The best I've ever heard.
- Who let you in, Frieda? - No, her brother.
He was just off to work. She'd gone to see her girlfriend, he said.
"Adrienne", I think he said.
No, that's her boyfriend. That's the fella what keeps the art gallery.
Sounds like a girl's name to me.
It's a mistake anyone can make. Even after they've met him.
- Shut up, put your trousers on. - Put my foot in it, have I?
- Not for the first time, neither. - Now, then, it was Albert that was rude, not me.
- I've been thinking about Albert. - I don't want his name mentioned in my house.
You must have spoiled him rotten when he was a nipper.
I was away from home a lot. I suppose Rosie did make a bit of a fuss of him.
Bit of a mummy's boy, eh?
I think when she died, he took it worse than anybody.
He's always been a bit wary of my friends since then.
- Oh, there's been others before me, has there? - Nothing serious, Vi.
- This time it is serious? - Mind your own business.
- If it was up to me, it would be. - Put your own house in order first.
All right, all right. I'll talk to him.
You made a will, Geoff?
It's a funny time to start touting for business, Harvey.
You'd be surprised how people put it off, the problems it causes.
- You ain't left a will, have you, Mum? - I've signed some papers.
- What papers? - Never you mind.
- Anyway, it's all going to Stanley. - The gas cooker?
- And my silver fish knives. - I bet Geoff's made a will.
- I haven't, as a matter of fact. - Harvey!
It's all right, Vi. I have managed to put a bit by because I've always been in work.
- Even in the worst times. - There you are, you see.
If you and Mum get hitched, and Mum outlives you,
everything you've got comes down to me.
That's a bit money-grubbing.
- I'm just trying to explain the law. - Don't tell him all your business.
Your Albert, he's got a wife, two kids.
He doesn't want to wave goodbye to your nest egg, Geoff,
just cos you've got an eye for a pretty face.
I see what you mean, Harvey. So what do I do?
Pop in the office first thing Monday morning. Fit you in about 10:30.
Ever since he became a judge, there's no living with him.
If I'm all right, why can't I go home?
Because you've got to see the head doctor on Monday.
- There ain't nothing wrong with my head. - That's not funny.
Do you think he'll come after me again with that big needle?
- How should I know? - You was a nurse.
- Children, children! - Oh, no!
This evening we have a lovely surprise for you to have with your milky drink.
Oh, Mags, look at that.
Nice, innit?
- Jammy sod. You picked a good time to be ill. - Princess Elizabeth's wedding cake.
Which was kindly donated to this children's ward.
Now, before I have the great honour of cutting this beautiful cake...
I weren't really ill.
Once I'd bunked off Latin to go swimming, I was frightened to go back the next day.
What? You've put us all through hell on earth!
- I didn't know everyone would go hysterical. - Stanley!
- Promise you won't tell Mum. - Why shouldn't I?
Because then I'll really end up in hospital.
- Hooray! Hip, hip... - Hooray.
Hooray!
I'll let you have all of my cake.
Talk about Twinkletoes.
Oh, Rita has to be light on her feet to stop her tripping over her tongue.
Oh, no, no!
Oi, waiter! I'll have two champagne cocktails!
Don't be cruel, Rita.
Harvey, you look very distinguished.
Distinguished? His arse is as shiny as his shoes.
Sorry I never come round, but well... Dick probably told you.
- Is he all right, your boy? - Oh, yeah, thank God.
You never actually told me you was married.
Didn't I? Well, I'm more separated than married.
Yeah, well, I'm not.
This is my husband, Clark. He's in the Royal Navy.
Clark, this is Councillor Moon.
- How do? - Pleased to meet you.
We got back to Portsmouth two days early so I got a 48-hour pass.
- Glad you could come to the ball. - Yes, it's nice.
Come on.
Excuse me, but we don't get much dancing on the ship and I love to tango.
You look as if someone just walked over your grave.
Someone very nearly did. What are you doing here?
- I thought you invited me? - I thought you were going to Adrian's?
So, I decided to have a migraine.
I'll never understand women.
I know.
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll