Ripped & Corrected By mstoll
Hello, Rita, my dear. Couldn't see a thing on the way here.
Can I rinse this out? I've been washing the windows.
- What, you and George Formby? - Yes.
- Haven't you finished yet, Veronica? - I'm going as fast as I can, Mrs Moon.
Well, you must be going at the speed of light cos I ain't bleedin' seen you move.
- Well, I was just having a little rest. - Oh.
I've only got this to do now.
- In a hurry to get away, then, Mrs Moon? - Well...
Cos if you like, I could lock up for you again tonight.
- Are you sure? - Yeah.
I ain't exactly in an hurry to get home, you know.
Well, if you don't mind.
I must say, you've been working quite hard recently.
You've been first in, last out every day this week.
- I don't know what's come over you. - I just like to do my little bit, you know.
That's good, Veronica. Very good.
- It is partly my business after all, Mr Brandon. - Indeed it is.
Yeah, you ain't such a bad kid.
- I think I've been a bit hard on you recently. - Oh, that's all right.
You've been a bit hard on everybody recently.
Ain't she, Mr Brandon?
- Out of the mouths of babes and innocents? - Hm.
What's this you were telling me about the lawyer
- you didn't want to talk about on the phone? - Oh, I've had some bad news.
Seems Harvey's lawyer says he can use this business of our so-called adultery.
But how?
Well, he says all he's got to do is stand up in court, say I've admitted adultery,
- I'm gonna lose custody of Stanley. - Oh, Rita, my dear, I'd no idea.
- Neither did I. Listen, I'm not complaining. - I'll simply tell them the truth.
What, end up in nick? I'm not having that!
Anyway, it's probably too late now.
Took me all my time to convince them I did do it, how will I convince them now I never?
Well, I'll convince them.
Look, my reputation as a scarlet woman is at stake here.
Anyway, wouldn't be so bad if I did do it.
But I never.
I haven't been so chaste for months.
Who's been chasing you, Mrs Moon?
No one, Veronica. That's the point.
Oh, well, never mind, eh?
I'm sure someone would if they knew that's what you wanted.
- You turn the key twice. - Twice.
- OK, don't worry. Don't worry about a thing. - How could I?
- Bye. - Good night, Veronica.
Look, they are nice people, interesting people, you will like them.
- I'm sure. Tell me, is Harvey coming? - I don't know.
I've told him about it but he said he wasn't sure.
Actually, I don't think he's so very keen.
Well, I'm not so very keen either, but I don't get a choice.
Erich, these people are my friends.
They have entertained me many times.
Oh, I would really like you to enjoy this evening, but with this attitude...
- All right, all right, I'll do my best to enjoy it. - Good.
I'll bring a book.
Ahh!
I had a word with the lawyer again today.
He says we've got a watertight case,
and he reckons we should press on with the divorce quick as we can.
- Ain't no way Rita can get out of it this time. - You sound a bit pleased with yourself.
I'd be dead chuffed if Stanley lived here. It'd be good for the boy, better environment.
He'd have you, it'd be a good influence on him. Didn't do such a bad job with me, Mum.
- Rita hasn't done such a bad job neither. - Oh, come on, be fair!
It ain't exactly your normal, stable family background, is it?
I mean, who knows? In the future, he could have Frieda's influence, an' all.
I thought she weren't too keen on this stepmother idea.
Well, she's keen on me. I thought I'd put a bit of work in, you know, splash out.
Take her away for a couple of days, you know, talk things over,
give her a chance to get used to the idea.
Oh, you got anywhere in mind?
- You promise you won't laugh? - All right.
When your mouth goes down at the corners, it means you're gonna laugh.
Mm-mm.
Margate.
In January? It'll be shut!
Oh, do us a favour, Mum, it's all I can afford.
They've got more jellyfish there than anywhere in Britain.
- That's ridiculous. How do you know? - Your dad got stung with one in 1923.
We ain't going for a swim! Just gonna sit and sort things out. She'll come round.
- And what if she don't? - I'll just have to use my charm on her.
At least you'll have the beach all to yourself in January.
There won't be any problem with Frieda. I know how to handle her.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
I think what she really needs is a family. I mean, at least she likes Stanley.
I'll get her round to my way of thinking.
Well, son, I suppose you can always tell her if she gives in and says yes,
you'll let her come home on the Saturday.
So what are you gonna be dancing tonight, Leo?
Waltz, foxtrot, quickstep.
Mum ought to be good at that, the quickstep.
- Who's seen my sequins? - Not me.
- You been messing with them? - Oh, yeah.
I've been secretly stitching them on my football shirt.
- Presumably to help you sparkle on the field. - That ain't bad, Uncle Leo!
That ain't bad at all. 'Ere, Mum, did you hear that one?
Oh, come on, you two, give us an hand. Leo, move.
- You ain't half getting touchy! - Well, you ain't seen nothing yet.
- I think I know what your problem is. - Oh, do you, Sherlock bleedin' Holmes?
I know what the problem is. Your father using this business of Leo
to try and stop me getting custody of you.
Though why I bother, I don't know.
- No, that ain't it. - Stanley, just look for the sequins.
I've got 'em!
Come on, what is it, then?
- Mum, I can't say. - Yes, you can, Mr Know All.
You opened your mouth, you finish it.
- I can't. - Why?
Because Uncle Leo's here.
- So? - Well, he ain't here enough, is he?
Oh, Mum, I can't.
Stanley, please feel free to say whatever's on your mind.
- Well, you know you like Mum? - Yes.
- And you like dancing. - Yes.
- And so does Mum. - Yes.
- And you go out with Mum. - Mm-hm.
- And you come round here a lot. - Yes.
- But you're not like all the others. - Stanley.
- What do you mean? - Well, he's never here for breakfast.
Stanley, you wash your mouth out with soap and water!
- Well, I don't get no breakfast either! - Out!
He's right, you know. You ain't getting any and neither is he.
Maggie!
All right, all right, I'm going!
Stanley, save me some of that soap!
What are you laughing at?
Oh, I'm saying nothing. I hate the taste of soap and water.
- Can I come in? - Harvey!
Are you looking forward to the party tonight?
- Don't ask. Tell me, what can I do for you? - Well...
No, don't say it. I'm a mind reader.
Something tells me you want to speak to my sister alone.
- Well... - It's all right.
I suddenly remembered I have something urgent to do in the kitchen.
How could I forget?
Has he been taking funny pills?
- Look, I wanted to ask you something. - Yes, I wanted to talk to you as well.
Ideal, then, innit? Look, don't laugh
but I thought we might have a couple of days in Margate.
The English seaside in the winter has got a charm all of its own.
- Yes, so I've heard. - Well, what about next weekend?
Er...
- Would you rather go to Brighton? - No, no, no, it's not that,
it's just that I might be going... to Paris next weekend with Adrian.
- Oh, I see. - No, Harvey, you don't see.
- I've thought a lot about this. - Yeah, well,
- Paris, Margate - it's a hard choice to make. - It's not like that, Harvey.
- Why didn't you tell me? - I knew you would react like this!
- Just give me a moment to explain! - You don't have to explain.
- You do exactly what you want. - Oh, you're being so stupid!
That wouldn't do around you, would it?
I'm a convenience, I happen to live under the same roof.
- I'm only good for one thing! - Don't overestimate yourself.
Yeah, well, tonight you can deal with your arty-farty bohemians on your tod, all right?
Shut up, Erich!
- Oh. Didn't go so well, then. - No.
- I thought you knew how to handle Frieda. - Yeah, so did I.
Here, look.
I don't know what it is about you and women, son.
Sometimes I think I took you off the breast too soon.
Purl...
...purl...
...plain.
Drop one...
...ooph, keep one.
Right.
Purl...
Just go straight through, help yourself to a drink.
Oh, er... Erich, can you take this coat?
Just a minute.
Oh, Walter! Hello, how are you? Welcome.
- Walter, this is my brother, Erich. - Erich, pleased to meet you.
- Walter is a sculptor. - I'm a baker.
I specialise in horses.
I specialise in... coats.
Go through, go through.
I'll get it.
I've just seen a bloke on the landing, hair over his collar,
little dog under his arm with ribbons on it.
I bet him and Erich have got a lot in common.
- So, what do you think, then? - About what?
Oh, for goodness' sake, Harvey, you're like a cat on hot bricks.
Now leave them stairs alone and sit down.
That's the third time I've asked you. What do you think about Geoff?
- What do you mean, what do I think? - Well, you know, what do you think?
That's a great help. Well, he's OK. I like him.
- Oh, you do, do you? - Yeah.
You're well in there, what with that allotment of his. Cabbages, potatoes...
- Typical, that is. - What is?
You'd sell your own mother for a pound of spuds and a cabbage.
- Only if you bunged in a cauliflower an' all. - Oh, very funny.
What's up? Have you had an argument with Geoff?
No!
No, it's just that I've been thinking about him and me and...
Well, I ain't sure about it all, Harvey.
Everybody keeps pushing us together, him included.
He's a good bloke. I mean, he's got his own place, railway pension.
I mean, his family are a bit much but there's nothing wrong with Geoff.
You see? That's what I mean, exactly.
Well, what's wrong with him, then?
Well, he's a bit too fond of the drink, if you ask me.
He likes a few drinks, what reasonable bloke don't?
- More than a few. - OK, so he hits the bottle occasionally.
More like the bottle hits him. Look how he was last Christmas.
Look at the state you were in. "I'll carve the turkey if someone'll hold it still"?
If it'd had any brandy in the pudding you'd have sucked it out.
Everyone gets a bit merry at Christmas, including you.
- What about New Year's Eve, then? - Same as Christmas.
Oh? Well, he was a bit merry last night,
and that was just an ordinary Thursday.
He'd probably just collected his pension.
Oh, hello, Erich. Come in.
Hello, Erich. What can we do for you, then?
Give me sanctuary. Just let me stay here till it ends down there.
That bad, is it? Sit down.
- I don't think I could have taken much more. - Some bunch, ain't they?
To me, they are like... creatures from another planet.
I don't understand how Frieda can like them.
Ah, she's a funny one, your Frieda.
Artistic temperament.
- I can't make her out sometimes. - Me neither.
You know, Harvey, I think in the past I've been ungenerous to you.
I shouldn't have discouraged Frieda from becoming too attached to you.
- I think I was wrong. - I think maybe you were right.
- And I think maybe Frieda agrees with you. - No, what I'm trying to say is, Harvey,
I'm sorry that in the past I tried to come between you.
Are you saying that you wouldn't have minded me marrying Frieda?
- Yeah, I think I am. - Well, I think it's a bit late for that now.
Harvey! There's a dog coming up the stairs! Looks like a ferret.
Well, I don't think we did too badly, do you?
- No, but have you seen that other couple? - Yes, they were rather good.
- Fancy a drink? - Ooh, not half.
Won't be a moment.
Hello.
Oh! Hello.
- Do you mind me talking to you? - No, no, not at all.
You're a very good dancer. You know that?
Oh, thank you very much. You're not so bad yourself.
Thanks.
Has your wife... Sorry.
- Carry on. - Has your wife gone?
Well, she's not my wife, actually. No, we're divorced,
I mean, we still dance together, but... No, she's gone home.
Not like me, eh? Not staying till the bitter end...
...viewing the talent.
Oh, are you now?
- What about your er... partner? Is he your er? - Leo?
Oh, no, no, he's not my... He's... He's a friend.
Oh, I see. Then he won't mind if we have a turn on the floor, eh?
Well, he's just getting me a drink.
- No, I'm sure he won't mind at all. - All right, come on.
That's better.
- Ooh! - You must be getting fat, Mum.
I'm not!
- Well, either that or that dress is too small. - No, it's the bones.
- Mm, well, you know what you say. - What?
- You've got to suffer in the cause of beauty. - Well, it ain't half nice when you get 'em off.
Yeah. Mind you, I've seen you suffering but I ain't sure it's worth it.
Oh, that's very good.
Ooh, you're happy! You had some good news, like my dad's fell in the canal or something?
I met a fella.
Did you?
Howard.
'Oward? Is that the best you can do?
Listen, he's a looker and he can dance.
So where is he, this Howard? How did you leave it with him?
Well, he's got class. He ain't all in for a bit of all-in wrestling.
He's no good for you, then.
No, listen, he's just asked me if I was gonna be there for the competition next week.
He said he'll be looking out for me.
And he's lovely.
I expect he'll move in for the kill then.
Stanley, I must get your dad to have a word with you.
I don't think there's much Dad can tell him.
I was thinking there was more things he could tell his dad.
I'm glad to see you're happier.
You've been bloody murder to live with these last weeks.
Things had to start getting better, not gone on getting worse.
Who do you think that is?
- I dunno. - 'Ere, maybe it's your Howard.
Maybe he couldn't wait till next week.
Oh, my God! Mum, look!
- Oh, Jes... - Evening.
- Would you be er... Mrs Moon? - Er... just...
Um...
Yes.
Veronica, what are you doing here?
- I take it, then, you know this young lady? - Well, yeah.
I also take it that you are the proprietress of the... Happy Curl hairdressing salon?
Yeah, yeah.
At 9.53 this evening, I discovered this young woman on the premises of your shop
- under suspicious circumstances. - Why were you there? You forget something?
No, I didn't forget nothing.
Oh, I'm sorry, Mrs Moon, I never meant to cause no trouble, honest.
- Well, what've you been up to? - I've been living there.
In the shop. For the past week or so.
Living there?
My dad's thrown me out the house.
He says he won't have me back.
Can I have a drink of water, please?
- I see. So you do know this young lady, then? - Of course I do, she's my partner.
She's my best friend! We've known her for years!
- Well, excuse me, but I have a report to fill in! - Go on, then, fill it in! No one's stopping you!
Go on, then!
Oi, ain't you got a form to fill in?
What you done?
I'm gonna have a baby.
- What? - What?
How?
"I'll just pop out for a bottle, Vi." Ooh, I should have known better.
- You don't know what's happened to him. - Oh, yes, I do.
He could have had a nasty accident.
Yeah, a pint of light and bitter could have dropped on his big toe.
Oh, come on, Mum, you don't know that's what he's been doing.
You want a bet?
I reckon we should start without him.
If we wait much longer, there'll be nothing left to start on!
Wait. We invited Geoff for Sunday dinner, you can't start without him!
But I can't wait all day, Harvey!
He's a good bloke, he won't let you down.
Sounds like it, don't it?
Here we are. Sorry I'm late, Vi. I met this bloke in the pub I know.
Yeah, pubs seem to be full of blokes you know.
I have to be sociable, Vi. I had to have a few drinks with him.
And while you've been doing that, my potatoes have been getting ruined.
There's plenty more where they came from.
Yeah, well, you can get somebody else to cook 'em for you.
'Ere, am I in the doghouse?
- No. - Oh, that's all right, then.
Ooh.
How can I be expected to marry him?
I dunno, you already sound like man and wife to me.
Anyone can meet a mate and forget what time it is.
I mean, Sunday: A bloke's entitled to a few drinks.
- Trouble with him, it's more than Sunday lunch. - Come on, Mum, go easy on him.
How come you're always on his side so much?
I like him. I think the two of you would be good together.
- Do you? - Yeah.
Well, why does he do it, Harvey?
Well, he took it bad when Rosie died
and, you know, all he's got is...
...is Albert. He's no comfort.
I mean, it often happens, blokes his age, retired.
I mean... grandchildren gone away.
He's lonely.
- What is there left for him? - Yeah, maybe you're right.
- All his engines been painted green. - Oh!
The way he's going, they'll be pink and flying.
- How is it? - Oh, well, it ain't too bad, really.
Just a bit er... well done.
- I quite like it that way. - Yeah, me too.
- Like I said, you go easy on him, eh? - All right.
Geoff!
- You quite comfortable there, Veronica? - Oh, yes, thanks, Mrs Moon.
Don't mention it.
Four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve...
Mum, I'm trying to do my homework. Can't you count in your head?
- That's the way I've always done it. - We're told to do it quiet at school.
- Can't you take that on your bed and do it? - It ain't my bed any more, it's hers.
And her stuff's all over it. Besides, there's no table,
and besides, it's so small I have to go in the hall to turn a page and besides... Is that enough?
Yeah, it is.
All right, we will be very quiet, won't we? Veronica.
Oh, yeah.
Four....
It ain't not bother for me to keep quiet.
- In fact, I just like sitting on my own sometimes. - Veronica.
Sorry.
See? No bother. Told you I could do it, didn't I?
- What did he say? - You don't want to know.
I told you.
He says she ain't his daughter, he ain't got one now.
- I told you that an' all, didn't I? - Didn't you try to explain to him
what it'll be like for her on her own with a baby, appeal to his finer emotions?
Yeah, I did. But it's kind of hard to appeal to someone's finer emotions
when you're talking to him through a letter box.
What else did he say?
He said she's a slut, a harlot, a jezebel,
and a few other things what I wouldn't care to repeat.
I've heard people call you a jezebel, Mrs Moon!
Have you?
I'm sorry, Mum. I did my best. Move your feet.
Veronica, you ain't got any more family, have you,
- like a long-lost aunt in Australia? - Australia?
Yeah, or a 22nd cousin in Outer Mongolia?
No. No, it's just me.
Are you sure you can't remember who it was?
I've told you, Mrs Moon.
It was a works beano and... I'd had too much to drink,
and, well, you always kiss with your eyes closed, don't you?
- I hope that bloke had his eyes closed, too. - Stanley!
Not even the faintest blur of an outline of a face?
- Or the size of his... - Stanley!
Nose!
No. No, not a thing.
- It's a pity. - Yeah.
Well, never mind, eh?
I quite like it here.
I'm happy here.
In fact, I think I could stay here forever, I could.
Ooh!
Excuse me. Must go to a place again.
Try not to be in there forever this time, Veronica.
I think it's kicking!
- She's got to go, Mum. - Yeah, she just told you that.
- Anyway, you keep out of this. - No, I won't!
Cos it's my bed she's in. I don't get much kip with Mum, her like this.
- I don't! - You do!
- I never! - How do you know? You're asleep.
You can't put her out, Mum, you just can't.
- If you had a cat, you'd put that out. - Oi, you!
Who said I was gonna?
I can't stand being in the same house with her.
You're lucky, I go to work, she's there, and I come home and she's here too.
I've got no escape.
But she helped me when I needed it and I won't let her down now. Is that clear?
Stanley?
- Is that clear? - Yeah, I suppose so.
It ain't fair to me, though, is it?
He's right, it ain't fair.
What can you do?
I'll think of something.
Mrs Moon! The chain's come off in my hand again!
- Are you all right? - Yeah, I'm all right.
A bit hungry, though. I couldn't half do with a bite to eat.
You should have thought of that before. Erich.
- Oh, hello, Erich. - How's Frieda?
She's still a bit frosty, like the weather, so I went out for lunch.
Oh, you've had your lunch, have you? Gawd.
Hello.
Frieda, I want to talk to you about Harvey.
- Oh, really, Erich, there is nothing to talk about. - I think there is.
You know, Harvey is very fond of you.
So?
Well, what I want to say is...
Look, Frieda, I never interfere in your private life.
- No, Erich, and that's just fine by me. - No, Frieda, please. You must decide.
- Decide what? - Between Harvey and Adrian.
Oh, no, no, if you and Harvey want to indulge in some ridiculous fantasy about Adrian...
- It's not fair to Harvey. - Oh!
So you and Harvey are all of a sudden best friends now?
Tell me, do they know at schul?
Well, perhaps after all being Jewish isn't everything.
Ooh, you've got a nerve coming round here.
- You've got a nerve coming round here. - You don't know what sort of day I've had.
Nothing to the day I've had. How low can you get?
It was my lawyer's idea. I've never made any bones about wanting Stanley,
but now I've got a chance to get him!
- Yeah, well, you know I never did it! - I don't know nothing!
- Veronica, would you mind, please? - It's family business.
- But I am family. - No, our family.
- You could have done it. - They're only rowing.
- Veronica! - Oh, you carry on.
- Don't mind me. - Please!
- Come on. - It was just getting interesting.
Jesus Christ.
There's no fire in this bedroom where I'm going, Mrs Moon.
And it gets very cold.
- She looks at home. - She is.
- You what? - This is her home.
- What, she's stopping the night? - Her father's thrown her out,
and before you ask why, I'll tell you: She's pregnant.
- No. - Yes, Dad.
- How? - Funny, that's what Stanley said.
She don't even know herself, so don't ask me.
Now listen.
Look at me!
- We've got a problem here. - I can see that.
There ain't enough room here with Veronica, so I was wondering,
seeing as how you are so keen on having Stanley,
whether you'd... take him off our hands for a while.
- What, have him come and live with us? - Yeah.
- Be glad to. Love to. - Thought you'd say that.
What about Veronica?
Well, we'll make the best of it.
- Like the Blitz. - Oh, no, the Blitz was never like this.
- At least we had the Anderson. - That's an idea.
Oh, yeah, you'd love that, wouldn't you, eh? Me in the shelter with Stan's bike.
- I mean Veronica. - Don't be silly. Veronica in a shelter!
- What would we do with the bike? - Mm...
Sorry, forgot my knitting.
Lovely and warm in here, innit?
- You know, I was just thinking... - You be careful.
If I was to stay here and have the baby,
it'd be like it had a... had a ready-made family, wouldn't it?
Well, Maggie and Stan would be like his auntie and uncle,
and you'd be like his grandmother, Mrs Moon.
I-I've come to apologise.
Harvey... ...what are you doing? It's so late.
I would have come earlier but we've got Stanley staying with us
and I caught the bleeder underneath the bed clothes reading a copy of Lilliput.
I told him off, so I had to wait till he was asleep before I come down.
Come on, get in, get in, get in.
Oh, Harvey, you're freezing! Please, stay over that side of the bed till you're warmed up.
Please, please, please.
- Ain't exactly very romantic. - Neither are cold feet.
Oh, this is ridiculous, Harvey.
I mean, it's crazy for two people to be carrying on like this.
Who's carrying on?
At night, you have to creep down the stairs.
In the morning, you have to creep back up the stairs
so that you can be found in your own bed.
It's my mum, she ain't happy about any of this. She just don't hold with it.
Harvey, you are 38 years old and your mother isn't stupid.
I mean, it would just be so nice to spend one whole night together.
Well, that... that is why I wanted you to come to Marg...
- I'm sorry for the things I said the other night. - It's OK.
Perhaps we were both a little keyed up or whatever.
Anyway, you were right. I should have told you sooner about Paris.
Erich said that it was business, not just an holiday.
Is that what you thought it was?
- You didn't tell me anything different. - You didn't give me a chance.
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. - It's all right, I'm sorry too.
So, you seem to have found an advocate in Erich all of a sudden.
Yeah.
He thinks we should get married.
That's a turn-up.
What do you think?
I think that I'm very glad you came down tonight.
- Is that an invitation to... move across? - Come on now.
Harvey, take your scarf off, huh?
- Oh! Just a moment. - What is it?
- I've got to set the alarm. - Oh, no.
Well, it's my mum. It's her bad leg.
She's just waking up earlier and earlier.
- 4.30? - Yeah.
- Where's Leo? He should be here by now. - You ain't ready yet anyway.
- What's that got to do with it? - Will you keep your head still?
Oh, that's my robe!
Yeah, I didn't think you'd mind.
I'm gonna have a bath now.
- Anyone want my water? - No.
Oh, I don't know why you didn't ask me to do your hair, Mrs Moon.
I mean, I am trained, not like Maggie.
Veronica, I know just as much about hairdressing as you're ever likely to,
- and if I can't do my own mum's hair... - Well, there is that, I suppose.
You do know her head.
- I can't take much more of this, Mags. - Me neither.
Do you have any idea how cramped we are in there?
You could always come in with me now Stan's gone round your dad's.
- With your twitching? - Oh, please yourself.
Oh, my gawd, she's taking over!
- I'm gonna swing for her, I am. - It's Leo.
Oh! Now look, Mags...
...you never know but,
fingers crossed, Howard might be back here tonight.
- Don't worry, I'll make sure she's in bed. - Yeah.
Make sure she's asleep. Right.
- How do I look? - You'll do.
- Good. Wish me luck. - I wish you luck.
I hope you do well with the dancing, too.
- My shoes. - Shoes.
- Bye. - Bye-bye.
- Eh? - I said, don't you know any other songs?
Oh, it don't matter!
Sorry, Mags, I can't hear you! I was singing!
- You're having me on. - No, no, no, cross my heart. Cross my heart.
Oh, dear!
Now you see, that would never happen with us cos I close naturally. Just lucky.
So, how do you fancy your chances tonight, then?
What exactly do you mean by that?
Oh, well, I don't think I exactly meant that. I mean on the dance floor.
Oh, I don't know. I mean...
I think I'd stand a much better chance if you were my partner.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Why? - Well, we're more of a match.
- Are we now? - Yeah, we're the same height.
You've seen my partner Shirl. I mean, she's a bleeding midget!
It don't half make it hard to lead.
Well, I think I'd have to have a word with Leo about that.
Oh, let's face it, Rita, I mean, Leo's a good dancer.
He's a great dancer, yeah, fair's fair, but he's a bit short for you.
- Is he? - Rita, my dear, I don't want to rush you,
but we're on as soon as the band returns.
- Oh, I'll... I'll just powder my nose. - Right.
Charming woman, that er... Rita.
- She is indeed. - Yeah.
- Cigarette? - Oh, thank you.
Oh, hello, love, come in.
- I wondered if I could have a word with Harvey. - He's in there, look.
- Harvey, I wondered if... - Stan.
- What? - Go to my room, love.
- Oh, this is just like being at home! - No, really, I don't want to disturb you.
No trouble, we was just going downstairs anyway. Weren't we, Stan?
'Ere, Nan, when I was a little boy, didn't you tell me it was a sin to tell a lie?
Keep your voice down.
- Well, first, I'm not going to Paris with Adrian. - Great.
- But I am going. - Look, you can't go to Paris alone.
Why not?
Look, it's not you and Adrian, it's you and my whole way of life.
That's the choice you seem to be forcing me to make.
On the one hand, there's my painting, all that goes with that.
- On the other hand, there's you. - Yeah?
Look at what a truly... bizarre relationship this is.
- Oh... - No, it is, isn't it? I mean it is.
This strange looking man,
wearing a jacket over his pyjamas and clutching an alarm clock,
appears in my bedroom every few nights.
I mean, it's hardly the... balcony scene from Romeo and Juliet.
- There's no need to bring other people into it. - There you are, you see?
You make absolutely no attempt to bridge the gap, do you? Like...
Like you wouldn't come to my party, like you insist on being jealous of Adrian
when I tell you there's nothing to be jealous of, like you refuse to meet my friends.
Oh, look, Harvey, I'm sorry, I'm getting angry. I didn't mean to get angry.
Yeah, but you managed it somehow, didn't you?
Look, all I'm saying is, I want to go to Paris, see what happens.
Maybe something will, maybe nothing.
But... God, that seems so hard for you to take.
You can't go to Paris on your own, it's full of Frenchmen.
Harvey!
Look, I'll...
...I'll see you when I get back.
Fine.
Oh, no, honestly, Leo, what do you really think we're supposed to do with this, eh,
split it down the middle - six months with you, six months with me?
- No, you can hold onto it, my dear. - No, you could hang your hat on this.
Couldn't he, Howard, eh? I'm gonna use it for a bookend.
- You'll need two for that, Rita. - No, I'll put it against the wall.
- You're all right, then. - No, I'm not. I ain't got no books.
'Ere, what do you think this is? Is it silver, Howard? Can you see?
Has it got a little lion on the back? Oh!
Oh, that reminds me. Wasn't it a lovely sprung floor, eh?
There's nothing like a good sprung floor. Isn't that what you always say, Leo, eh?
Oh, you were really good tonight. You were.
No offence, Howard. Ooh, don't he look lovely in glasses?
'Ere, I didn't say value that.
'Ere, have you seen this, Leo? Eh? Come on, have a look, love.
- Have a look, I'll hold the wheel. Go on. - No, no, Rita.
- You hold onto it, I'll look at it later. - All right, don't get aireated, you'll have a crash.
It's funny, I thought the quickstep we did was the best.
I was surprised we got more marks for the samba.
'Ere, you know that couple what won the quickstep, her face was bored stiff.
They won't be dancing together long.
You should have heard what she said after in the ladies! Ooh!
Oh, we're here! That was quick!
Do you know, Howard, this is the first thing I ever won in my whole life.
- It must be my lucky night. - Here you are, my dear.
No, I tell a lie. I did win a raffle once in Southend when I was a kid.
Plaster-of-Paris Alsatian. Only my mum lost the ticket, I never had it.
Oh, I like Southend. Do you like Southend, How...
Howard! What are you doing in there?
- Come on, we're coming in for a drink. - Actually, we're not.
It's getting rather late, I have rather a busy day tomorrow.
Also, I've got to get Howard halfway across London, you see, and er...
Good night.
I'll speak to you in the morning.
I've had it up to here with charm-y.
I've just come to pick Stanley up. Where is he?
He's gone to the flicks with Mags and Veronica. I thought I'd have some peace.
- You out of sorts, girl? - A bit.
You've got a nerve asking me that.
- All this ain't cos of that business with Stanley? - Well, it don't help.
- Nor does Veronica. - Mm, I can see that.
What about Howard?
- Did Stanley tell you about him? - Afraid so.
Little bleeder.
Didn't work out, eh? Well, never mind, there's plenty more fish in the sea.
Yeah. Trouble is, I think I'm running out of bait.
Oh, I think I'll just give up and wear my curlers in the street.
Leo would love that.
Yeah, well, he's a bit busy himself at the minute.
That's what comes of having a boyfriend who isn't a boyfriend.
Yeah, well...
- I suppose your love life's going swimmingly. - Captain Webb job.
Fine, no problems.
I thought the Jungle Telegraph told me you were taking Frieda to Thanet.
- Margate. - Oh.
Gonna treat her? Gonna take her on the funfair?
- Funfair's closed. - Well, that's just as well.
Last time we went, I had to go on the ghost train on my own.
- I can't stand all that stuff across your face. - Mm.
When you came out the ghost train,
everyone else was screaming and you were laughing. Why?
- Never you mind. - You wouldn't tell me then.
I'm not telling you now.
- I took you on the big wheel. - You know I can't stand heights.
I didn't find out till it stopped up the top and wobbled.
Don't!
'Ey, you remember that bloke that strapped us in?
He had "I hate prison" tattooed across his hand.
Didn't like the look of him.
You booked your hotel, then?
- Don't want to stay on my own, do I? - What's going on?
I told you, she's done a Captain Webb, right across the channel.
Art exhibition, Paris. All them bohemians.
So you're on your tod an' all, eh?
I don't fit in, do I?
No.
- Are you going out tonight, Leo? - Er... not as far as I know.
Why, are you proposing a date?
What's this?
Oh, gawd, remind me to take that bag of shopping home, my mum'll kill me if I forget it.
It's got tonight's dinner in it.
- Do you want to know what we're having? - What are you having?
- Got a lovely rabbit. Do you like rabbit, Leo? - In a hutch, yes.
Do you cook for yourself, or can't you be bothered?
Generally speaking, I have something out. Or a boiled egg.
A boiled egg? But that's breakfast. I'm talking about dinner.
Yes, I sometimes just have a boiled egg for dinner.
There you are, I knew it.
I was laying in bed last night thinking, "I bet Leo's hungry."
- You were? - Yeah.
I've been really worried about you, Leo.
I was imagining how nice it'd be for you, to come home from a hard day's work
find the place spotless, lovely roast dinner waiting for you on the table...
- Mm. - I mean, a boiled egg's no dinner for a man.
- What you need is an housekeeper. - Forgive my obtuseness, Maggie, but...
I think everything's getting on top of my mum at the moment.
What happened the other night? You won,
but you wouldn't think it from the way she's been acting.
- It was that Howard, weren't it? - Hm?
- He let her down, didn't he? - In a manner of speaking, yes.
I thought as much. She's been really browned off.
- Has she? - Yeah.
And it's not helping having Veronica round all the time.
In the past, if she was in a mood, she could take it out on me and Stanley
but she feels a bit 'hibited with Veronica there.
I find it hard to believe that anyone could "hibit" your mother.
- Things are getting really difficult, are they? - Not half.
- I just wish there was something I could do. - Oh, there is.
Well, you know how you said before how you'd like to have a family like us
come and live in that big place of yours, make it more like home?
Indeed, there's nothing I'd like more. Are you suggesting there's a distinct possibility?
A distinct possibility of something of the sort.
In that case, I'll come back with you tonight and propose the idea to Rita again.
Could you propose something else?
Sorry, I don't follow.
You'd do anything for my mum, wouldn't you?
What are you leading up to, madam?
Oh, it's lovely, that, knowing you'd do anything for my mum.
- Well, she has done quite a lot for me. - There you are, then.
- This could be your way of paying her back. - What do you mean?
- Having Veronica. - Having Veronica?
Yeah, well, she needs somewhere to live,
and you need an housekeeper,
and, well, you've got an house and... you could keep her.
You spin him a yarn like that, and he'll come down on you like a ton of bricks.
And him a Labour man, too. He's supposed to be for the working class.
Oh, he is for the working class, but you're the thieving class.
- Hello, Sergeant Miller. - Goodbye, Sergeant Miller.
Yeah.
- Ta-ta, Janet. - Bye.
Excuse me, Counsellor, I wonder if I could have a word.
- What is it, Harry? - It's kind of delicate, Counsellor.
Perhaps you could call in at the station on your way home, ask for Sergeant Hutchinson.
There's someone in the cells there claims he knows you.
- Says he's a very close relative of yours. - It's not my boy Stanley, is it, Harry?
No, it's not your boy Stanley, Harvey.
Hello, Harvey. I knew you'd come.
Geoff, what is all this?
Well, I had a nice little double come up yesterday. I had to celebrate.
I mean bringing me down here, saying there's a close relative of mine.
Only a question of time, innit, eh? You've got to get me out of this, Harvey, eh?
- You done this sort of thing before, have you? - No!
Geoff...
- What's the charge, George? - Drunk and disorderly.
Well, it is his first offence, George, and er...
...well, his missus passed away, you know?
37 years of marriage, you know.
I can vouch safe for his character.
So if you reckon you could see your way to...
Well,
seeing it's you, Counsellor Moon...
...I suppose we could, this time.
Thanks, George.
Yeah, well...
- Thanks, Harvey. I knew you'd do it. - Don't mention it.
- Good job it's your first offence. - Yeah.
Here, you'd better not mention anything about this to Vi.
Don't think she'd approve, somehow.
Seems to have something against drink, your mum.
Could you pass me one of those biscuits, please, Mrs Moon?
- Here you are. - No, not them ones, the other ones.
Sometimes, Veronica, you know, I think God put you on this earth
for a very special purpose.
Oh, yeah? What's that?
To improve my soul.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
All right? Come on, in the bedroom, I've got something to tell you.
- I'm eating my biscuits. - Bring 'em with you.
- I'll make crumbs. - Oh, come on, it don't matter.
All right, don't pull!
- Hello, Mr Brandon. - Veronica.
- Good evening. - Good evening.
You sod!
- Why didn't you tell me about the other night? - I didn't have the heart.
Well, you had the heart to go off with him.
Believe me, Rita, it was the best thing I could do for you.
Oh, well, you didn't do so badly yourself, did you?
Honestly, who would have thought it of Howard?
- Why not? - Well, he...
...he doesn't look it, does he?
- How are you meant to look? - Oh, come on now, don't be hard on me.
No, no, I'm serious, Rita. How are we meant to look?
You're one of the kindest people on this planet, but you don't always look it.
Anyhow, that's not why I'm here.
- I'm here to repay a debt. - What do you mean?
Maggie is at this moment helping Veronica to pack.
Where's she going?
To a large, rattling house in urgent need of the feminine touch.
- Oh, no, no, Leo, you can't be serious. - Why not?
She will drive you barmy.
- What's she doing to you? - Driving me barmy.
- It's my turn. I owe you. - No, you don't.
Listen, if I do something I do it, right?
- You won't last. - I'll give it a try.
If it doesn't work, we'll think of something else.
It will get her off your hands. You've got enough on your plate with Stanley and the divorce.
And that you can't stop me feeling responsible for.
Well, all right, you can have that one.
Oh, by the way,
I bumped into a friend of mine up west who handles quite a lot of this kind of work,
and he says that, although it seems like a pretty hopeless case,
there is one way that you could nullify this in the eyes of the law.
- What's that, then? - Resume conjugal relations.
There's been a world war since then.
'Ere, Mr Brandon,
is it true what Maggie says about me going to live with you?
- It is, Veronica. - Oh, that's good, innit?
Cos I think I'll be a bit more comfortable there. A bit more room, you know.
Well, you are a bit cramped here, ain't you, Mrs Moon?
The thing is, well, Mrs Moon's been very good to me,
and I don't think I'd like to go unless it's all right with her.
How is it with Mrs Moon?
Well...
...I only want what's best for you, Veronica.
Oh!
Come in!
- Oh, Harvey. - Hello, Erich.
I was wondering if I could, er, have a word with Frieda if she's around.
She's gone already, Harvey. She left this morning.
She didn't say goodbye?
- Do you know when she's coming back? - Next week sometime. She wasn't sure.
- Fine. - Look, Harvey, I'm sorry.
Yeah.
I always thought of this song as mine.
Yeah, I know. Every time I sang it, you joined in.
"What'll I do when you are far away?"
I wasn't far away. You were far away. I was bleedin' here.
With just a photograph.
Well, the only photograph I had of you was when you tried to grow that moustache.
I thought it made me look like Ronald Coleman.
You looked like Hitler.
Hello, is that you, Stan?
It's me.
- Hello! - Hello.
How are you feeling, Vi?
Oh, so-so. My legs are playing up a bit.
Oh, sorry to hear that.
Harvey about, is he?
- No, no, he's out. - Oh. Pity.
I met him the other day, asked me to pop round one of these nights.
- Oh, funny, he didn't mention it. - Oh.
Oh, never mind.
- Mind if I sit down? - No, make yourself comfy.
I brought you this by way of a peace offering.
Here's your tea. All right, Mum, Dad?
What the bloody?
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll