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Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham,

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the capital of British Pakistan.

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They all know me.

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Do you like my suit?

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Number one, Citizen Khan.

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Once upon a Christmas time
in Sparkhill...

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..there lived a young Pakistani man
named Mr Khan.

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As well as being handsome

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and frequently mistaken
for George Clooneys,

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Mr Khan was a cheerful
sort of fellow.

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But this particular Christmas, he
was feeling a bit down in the dumps.

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Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

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Merry Christmas!

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Merry Christmas, Mr Khan!

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I'm not a community leader
and nobody knows me.

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Hm, there's something not right
with Mr Khan.

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Mr Khan? Yes.

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You know, beard, glasses...
BLUE STAR HOIKS

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Oh, Mr Khan.

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So what do you think
is wrong with him, then?

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Well, if you ask me,

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it all goes back to when
he first moved to Sparkhill.

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The year was 1989,

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when Band Aid were top
of the Christmas charts again.

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A flight to Pakistan cost only £149.

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£199 if you wanted an actual seat.

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And the world was Mr Khan's oyster.

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Hello, Keith!

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Hang on...

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You'll like this.

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Salman, I like him, Mr Khan.

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What? Salman, I like him.

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Salman who? Salman Rushdie?

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No. No.

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Isn't that what you Muslims say?
No.

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What do you say, then?
I need a briefcase, Keith.

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Oh, right.

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No. I don't plan on staying in
Sparkhill for ever.

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Oh, no.

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I've got big dreams, ambitions.

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I'm going to be somebody,
like Robert Maxwell.

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Whatever he can do,
I can do, too, eh?

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What about this, Mr Khan?

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It's got a vinyl finish, lots of
space for important documents.

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No, no, no, no.

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I need something that says
I'm a proper businessman,

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a mover, a shaker, huh?

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I'm Mr Khan, they'll all know me.

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How about this?

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Executive briefcase,

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genuine leather, combination locks,
brass finish.

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Not bad, huh?

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How much? No charge.

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I can't afford that!
Hang on...

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What did you say?

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Call it a wedding present.

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Ha-ha! Thank you, Keith!

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Oh, yes.

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I'll get my name on it,
huh, in gold letters.

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That is extra.

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Very generous of you, Keithy.

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I suppose, now you're married, Mrs
Khan will want a place of her own?

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Oh, Keith, Keith, Keith, Keith...

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I promised her father
I'll keep her safe and warm

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with a roof over her head.

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You get all that in a flat
above a chip shop.

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Ah, no mortgage, no ties.

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Apart from this one, hey?

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I still can't believe
we own our own home.

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Yes, I'll do all the DIYs, huh?

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Make this a home.

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Our home.

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Ah, just the two of us.

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Erm...

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The three of us. Hey?

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Toilet not work.

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Oh, I'd forgotten about you.

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Ha!

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Oh, and I have another bit of news
I need to tell you.

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Oh, me, too! Welcome, Mr Khan.

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Welcome, Riaz. Ready?

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In a minute. Mrs Khan
has got something to tell me.

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You go first.

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Well, Riaz as has given me
a tip-off

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that Mr Javed is looking for
investors for his new business.

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He's going into
the mobile phone business.

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What's a mobile phone?

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I don't know.

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Where's my briefcase?

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Ah-ha!

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Here we go.

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HE CHUCKLES

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How do I look?
Like a proper businessman.

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Wish me luck. Good luck.

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Oh, no, no. Hang on...

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What was your news?
I'll tell you later.

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No, just tell me now, sweetie.
OK.

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I'm going to have a baby.

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Ah, ha-ha-ha!

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That's wonderful, wonderful,
wonderful news!

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Oh, no. Hold on.

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You need to have something to eat.
Have you eaten? Sit down.

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Oh, no, you can't sit on there,
but... I'm fine!

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Mr Khan, we should go.

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Riaz, I am going to be a daddy.

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Congratulations. But the Mr Javed.

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Forget Mr Javed.

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I need to make this house
a palace fit for my family.

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Nine months later, Mr Khan's
dream house was taking shape.

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Even if his business career,
just like Robert Maxwell's,

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was about to sink.

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So what's this meeting you've got,
then?

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I'm about to be a founder member

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of the Sparkhill Pakistani
Business Association.

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Wow, you're going to be like
one of them yuppies.

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Better than that, Keithy.

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I'm going to be a Pakistani yuppie.

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A "puppie"!

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Very impressive.
I'm on my way, Keith.

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Nothing and no-one can stop me now.

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Oh...!

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Hospital. Oh, twaddi!

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Are you OK?

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Once again, our handsome young
business mogul

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had his plans thwarted.

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How would Britain cope
without this man's genius?

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But thankfully, four years later,
opportunity knocked again...

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Thanks for taking me to
the bus station, Riaz. No problem.

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I'm going to try and get a meeting
with Mr Alan Sugars.

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Never heard of him.
He makes rubbish computers.

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The school just called.

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Shazia has got her head
stuck in the climbing frame.

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And Naani ate beetroot.

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Need hospital. Too much gas.

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And I'm pregnant again.

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Come on.
Come on, here we go.

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And so, the handsome Mr Khan
soldiered on

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until Christmas Eve, 2016.

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When fate, in the unlikely form
of Ginger Dave,

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presented him with one more chance.

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Merry Christmas, Riaz!

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Wa'alaikum salaam.

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I said, Merry Christmas!

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For the community centre.
Oh...

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Oh, the penny drops.

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Riaz, when I said the penny drops,
I didn't literally mean a penny.

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I need the coins for the electric
meter. Oh, no, you don't. Look...

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Heh-hey...!

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Oh.

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Ah-ah-ah-ah.

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COINS RATTLE

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Thank you.
What are you collecting for?

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Who cares? Something to do with
the community centre.

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New car park, new roof,
I don't know.

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I didn't know we needed a new roof.
We don't.

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Your eyebrows are moving
up and down.

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That's because I'm trying
to tell you something

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of a slightly sensitive nature.
Oh.

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Listen, Riaz, if I can raise
enough money for this place,

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they'll have to name it after me.
Oh, that again.

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Yes, that again.

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Why shouldn't it be named after me?

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Nowadays, all buildings
are named after someone.

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You've got the Burj Khalifa,
named after President Khalifa.

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St Paul's Cathedral,
named after St Paul.

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And Windsor Castle,
named after...Barbara Windsor.

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Hello, Mr Khan.

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Oh, hello, Dave.

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Are you going to help me
with my fundraising?

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Get the community centre
a new name...new roof!

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I'd love to help, but I'm very busy.

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We're using the community centre
as a shelter for refugees

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over the Christmas period.

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We've got a cross-faith committee

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led by a rabbi, a priest
and an imam.

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Is this some kind of joke?

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What's a rabbi doing here?

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We don't have anything in common
with these people, Dave.

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Apart from snippy-snipping.

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This is charity in action, Mr Khan.

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Surely, as a fundraiser, you're
in favour of helping refugees.

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Of course.

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I think it's very important
that we welcome in

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the sad, the desperate
and the disadvantaged.

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We welcomed you, didn't we?

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Anyway, everyone knows
you're only raising money

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so you can get the community centre
named after you.

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Whereas I am not doing this
for personal recognition.

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But because, well, as a Muslim,
it's my duty to help those in need.

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MOCKINGLY: "As a Muslim,
it's my duty to help those in need."

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Although, as it turns out,

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I am going to be getting
some recognition, too. What?

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Our community centre
has been recognised by the Queen.

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I'm going to a special Christmas
dinner at Buckingham Palace tomorrow

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to receive an award.

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The Queen?!

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Buckingham Palace?!

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An award?!

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An award... What for?

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Outstanding services
to the community.

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Outstanding services
to the community?!

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Yes. But... Yes?

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But... But what?

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But that's me!

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Mr Khan, I'm community leader,
they all know me.

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Mr Khan...

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Has this got anything to do with
Prince Harry?

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Mr Khan...

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I bet it is Prince Harry.

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This is a ginger crony conspiracy!

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Mr Khan...

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I'll tell you what, this is nothing
short of an absolute outrage!

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Mr Khan! What?

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You're invited, too.

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What a wonderful gesture.

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Merry Christmas.

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And a happy Hanukkah-schmonikka
to you, too.

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Then the Queen will say,

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"How do you do, Mr Khan?"

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Then I'll say,
"How do you do, Your Majesty?"

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Make sure you get a selfie,
then I can put it on Instagram.

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and then shell get tagged by
William and Kate

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and then, like,
I'll be friends with them.

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00:11:05,940 --> 00:11:08,540
Ah, sweetie,

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the Queen doesn't do "selfies".

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She does "onesies".

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Imagine, the Queen and me
in a onesie together.

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Now, that would be something,
wouldn't it? It really would.

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00:11:23,980 --> 00:11:27,020
Now, I need to create a good
impression. Where's my briefcase?

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There you are. Oh, hello, darling.
Have you seen my briefcase?

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00:11:30,300 --> 00:11:32,780
Well, never mind about that.
You have to go and buy biscuits.

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00:11:32,780 --> 00:11:35,540
Shazia's brought the children round
and we've run out.

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We've got lots of biscuits.
Someone ate them all.

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I'm sorry.

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I didn't realise you rationed them.

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I was considering
issuing ration books,

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but I thought you'd probably
eat those, too!

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Just go.
All right, I'll go in a minute.

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I need to find my briefcase first.

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00:11:53,980 --> 00:11:56,780
And I need you to help me with the
Christmas dinner tomorrow. Yes, OK.

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00:11:56,780 --> 00:11:59,100
And at some point, you have to
go over to Mrs Malik's house

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and unblock her sink. I've got
a large accumulation of fat.

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You're not kidding.

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Sweetie, you don't understand.

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You still haven't put up
the Christmas lights

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and I've been asking you to do it
for days.

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But I got my hands full already.

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00:12:19,900 --> 00:12:23,020
Dad, Amjad's off to work
and I need to feed Little Mo.

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00:12:23,020 --> 00:12:25,460
Can you change Nadia's nappy?
Oh, twadi!

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Is this your briefcase, sir?

251
00:12:30,620 --> 00:12:32,180
No!

252
00:12:32,180 --> 00:12:35,700
This is Grandpa's special case!

253
00:12:35,700 --> 00:12:38,880
You mustn't stop him, Dad.
You'll stifle his creativity.

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00:12:39,620 --> 00:12:41,760
Well done, Mo. Good boy.

255
00:12:42,260 --> 00:12:44,220
What do you need
that old briefcase for, anyway?

256
00:12:44,220 --> 00:12:45,900
It's what I've been trying
to tell you.

257
00:12:45,900 --> 00:12:47,820
I've got a special dinner
in London tomorrow.

258
00:12:47,820 --> 00:12:51,420
I don't care if you're having dinner
with the Queen of England

259
00:12:51,420 --> 00:12:52,780
in Buckingham Palace.

260
00:12:52,780 --> 00:12:54,860
Well, it's funny
you should say that...

261
00:12:54,860 --> 00:12:57,780
Tomorrow is Christmas Day
and we need you here.

262
00:12:57,780 --> 00:13:00,620
But the community centre
is getting an award. So what?

263
00:13:00,620 --> 00:13:02,100
So what?!

264
00:13:02,100 --> 00:13:05,100
I've been waiting for this moment
for the past 30 years.

265
00:13:05,100 --> 00:13:07,700
Well, you can't go. But...

266
00:13:07,700 --> 00:13:08,780
Stop.

267
00:13:08,780 --> 00:13:11,260
It's Christmas Day and you need
to be here with your family

268
00:13:11,260 --> 00:13:12,760
and that's that.

269
00:13:14,310 --> 00:13:15,350
Right!

270
00:13:17,140 --> 00:13:18,340
Fine!

271
00:13:18,340 --> 00:13:20,680
I'll change the crappy nappy!

272
00:13:21,455 --> 00:13:23,980
Then I'll put
the Boxing Christmas lights up!

273
00:13:23,980 --> 00:13:28,580
And then I'll shove my hand
up Mrs Malik's U-bend!

274
00:13:31,580 --> 00:13:33,820
Because that's all I'm good for.

275
00:13:33,820 --> 00:13:35,340
All the little jobs.

276
00:13:35,340 --> 00:13:37,620
I'm not a big shot.

277
00:13:37,620 --> 00:13:39,780
I'm not a businessman.

278
00:13:39,780 --> 00:13:42,540
I'm not even a community leader!

279
00:13:44,760 --> 00:13:47,020
I'm just a nobody!

280
00:13:49,940 --> 00:13:51,480
Toilet not working.

281
00:13:56,620 --> 00:13:58,460
Poor Mr Khan.

282
00:13:58,460 --> 00:14:01,980
Instead of going to
Buckingham Palace to meet the Queen,

283
00:14:01,980 --> 00:14:05,220
with his executive briefcase,

284
00:14:05,220 --> 00:14:09,800
he had to go to Mr Ali's
Cash And Carry to buy a plunger.

285
00:14:15,380 --> 00:14:17,300
'Proper businessman...

286
00:14:17,300 --> 00:14:18,560
'Who was I kidding?'

287
00:14:21,700 --> 00:14:24,160
'Stupid briefcase!

288
00:14:25,380 --> 00:14:28,860
'I'll never need that ever again.'

289
00:14:34,880 --> 00:14:35,980
Oh, twadi!

290
00:14:35,980 --> 00:14:37,900
Oh, help!

291
00:14:37,900 --> 00:14:39,380
Help! Oh, God!

292
00:14:39,380 --> 00:14:40,860
No!

293
00:14:40,860 --> 00:14:42,180
Argh!

294
00:14:44,540 --> 00:14:45,940
There we are.

295
00:14:45,940 --> 00:14:48,360
All safe and sound.

296
00:14:53,240 --> 00:14:55,540
If you're after my wallet,
you're wasting your time.

297
00:14:55,540 --> 00:14:57,140
I threw it in the canal.

298
00:14:57,140 --> 00:14:59,420
Along with my house keys
and my mobile blooming phone.

299
00:14:59,420 --> 00:15:02,180
Of course I'm not.

300
00:15:02,180 --> 00:15:04,300
Do I look like a mugger?

301
00:15:05,260 --> 00:15:07,780
A chugger, then.
You're all after money.

302
00:15:07,780 --> 00:15:10,380
Don't be such a silly, Mr Khan.

303
00:15:10,380 --> 00:15:12,020
You know who I am?

304
00:15:12,020 --> 00:15:14,620
Of course I do. You're my mission.

305
00:15:14,620 --> 00:15:19,360
I was sent by a higher power
to help you.

306
00:15:19,360 --> 00:15:22,620
Oh, not Reverend Green, who knocks
on our door every Christmas!

307
00:15:22,620 --> 00:15:24,620
Higher than that.

308
00:15:28,300 --> 00:15:31,060
Look, Mrs... Whoever you are.

309
00:15:31,060 --> 00:15:33,260
Well, I suppose you could call me...

310
00:15:33,260 --> 00:15:34,920
Angel-a.

311
00:15:36,500 --> 00:15:37,980
Right.

312
00:15:37,980 --> 00:15:39,940
Or Angel-ena.

313
00:15:39,940 --> 00:15:43,340
Or Angel-ica.

314
00:15:43,340 --> 00:15:45,300
I'm saying...

315
00:15:45,300 --> 00:15:47,620
I'm an angel.

316
00:15:47,620 --> 00:15:49,700
You know, from heaven.

317
00:15:49,700 --> 00:15:51,100
OK.

318
00:15:51,100 --> 00:15:53,780
Obviously,
I'm not actually an angel.

319
00:15:53,780 --> 00:15:55,340
Obviously.

320
00:15:55,340 --> 00:15:57,900
I mean, I haven't got my wings yet.

321
00:15:58,980 --> 00:16:01,420
Well, it's been lovely
chitty-chatting, but I have to go.

322
00:16:01,420 --> 00:16:03,460
No! Don't do it.

323
00:16:03,460 --> 00:16:06,380
You've got so much to live for.
What?

324
00:16:06,380 --> 00:16:08,820
You were going to jump in the canal.
No, I wasn't.

325
00:16:08,820 --> 00:16:11,020
I'm trying to get my briefcase back.

326
00:16:11,020 --> 00:16:13,980
But I might as well jump into the
canal. What difference does it make?

327
00:16:13,980 --> 00:16:16,380
Oh, how can you say that?

328
00:16:16,380 --> 00:16:18,620
Every life has meaning.

329
00:16:18,620 --> 00:16:21,380
Not mine.
I wanted to be somebody.

330
00:16:22,277 --> 00:16:23,837
"Mr Khan, they all know me."

331
00:16:25,100 --> 00:16:26,940
I was just kidding myself.

332
00:16:26,940 --> 00:16:28,200
I'm a nobody.

333
00:16:28,200 --> 00:16:30,860
I should never have moved
to Sparkhill.

334
00:16:32,980 --> 00:16:34,700
What if you never did?

335
00:16:34,700 --> 00:16:36,140
What?

336
00:16:36,140 --> 00:16:41,060
I'm going to show you what
Sparkhill would be like without you.

337
00:16:42,460 --> 00:16:45,020
SHE CHANTS

338
00:16:45,020 --> 00:16:48,740
SHE ULULATES

339
00:16:50,380 --> 00:16:51,946
And they say Muslims are weird.

340
00:16:55,820 --> 00:16:58,660
Well, what do you think?
About what?

341
00:16:58,660 --> 00:17:02,420
Sparkhill, as it would be
if you'd never moved here.

342
00:17:02,420 --> 00:17:05,100
Right, you do realise
it's all the same. Is it?

343
00:17:05,100 --> 00:17:08,520
Yes. Is it, though?
Yes, it is, though.

344
00:17:09,760 --> 00:17:12,140
Hang on,
where is Tasty Fried Chicken?

345
00:17:12,140 --> 00:17:14,620
Ah-ha, you see?

346
00:17:14,620 --> 00:17:17,380
Without you here,
they've gone out of business.

347
00:17:19,580 --> 00:17:23,140
Sparkhill without a chicken shop,
has the world gone mad?

348
00:17:23,140 --> 00:17:24,900
And look over there.

349
00:17:26,220 --> 00:17:30,060
That should be Mr Ali's
Cash And Carry. He's gone, too.

350
00:17:30,060 --> 00:17:32,980
But what about my cheap
toilet rolls?

351
00:17:32,980 --> 00:17:36,720
Without the amount you buy,
he's gone out of business, as well.

352
00:17:38,540 --> 00:17:41,060
What's going on?
Is this some kind of trick?

353
00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:47,060
I told you, this is a version of
Sparkhill where you never existed.

354
00:17:49,780 --> 00:17:51,620
Riaz!

355
00:17:51,620 --> 00:17:53,820
It's me. Your old friend, Mr Khan.

356
00:17:55,780 --> 00:17:58,620
What are you doing?
Muslims don't drink!

357
00:17:58,620 --> 00:18:00,580
I lost my faith a long time ago.

358
00:18:00,580 --> 00:18:03,340
But you're the funeral director
at the mosque.

359
00:18:03,340 --> 00:18:04,980
Wow...

360
00:18:04,980 --> 00:18:08,340
That's what I should have done.
Where were you 25 years ago?

361
00:18:08,340 --> 00:18:10,460
Right,
just stop messing around, huh,

362
00:18:10,460 --> 00:18:12,920
and just tell this crazy woman
that you know me.

363
00:18:14,020 --> 00:18:17,140
I've never met you before in my
life. Has she paid you to do this?

364
00:18:17,140 --> 00:18:19,060
Stop lying! Keep back!

365
00:18:19,060 --> 00:18:20,000
I wear Hai Karate.

366
00:18:22,620 --> 00:18:24,020
Riaz!

367
00:18:29,340 --> 00:18:31,780
I realise it's a lot for you
to take in.

368
00:18:31,780 --> 00:18:34,500
This can't be real.
This is just a dream.

369
00:18:34,500 --> 00:18:36,580
Do I look like a dream to you?

370
00:18:37,517 --> 00:18:38,520
Ow!

371
00:18:39,420 --> 00:18:42,260
So you're really an angel?
Angel-in-waiting.

372
00:18:42,260 --> 00:18:45,180
But why did they send you to me?
You do know I'm Muslim?

373
00:18:45,180 --> 00:18:46,580
Oh, that's OK.

374
00:18:46,580 --> 00:18:51,180
We're all mixed up together up
there - Christians, Muslims, Jews.

375
00:18:51,180 --> 00:18:53,540
Turns out we were all right.

376
00:18:53,540 --> 00:18:56,540
What about the Hindus?
Ah, no, I'm afraid not.

377
00:18:56,540 --> 00:18:58,380
I knew it!

378
00:18:59,740 --> 00:19:02,380
We're just one big, happy family.

379
00:19:02,380 --> 00:19:05,140
We do each other's festivals
and everything.

380
00:19:05,140 --> 00:19:08,380
Christmas, Eid, Rosh Hashana...

381
00:19:08,380 --> 00:19:10,420
How's that working out for you?

382
00:19:10,420 --> 00:19:12,220
Ramadan's pretty tough.

383
00:19:13,180 --> 00:19:15,740
Now, close your eyes. There's
one more thing I want you to see.

384
00:19:15,740 --> 00:19:18,180
But this is just a community centre.
Is it, though?

385
00:19:18,180 --> 00:19:19,780
Yes, it is, though!

386
00:19:24,380 --> 00:19:25,820
You can open them now.

387
00:19:27,780 --> 00:19:29,180
What do you think?

388
00:19:29,180 --> 00:19:30,420
Is this...

389
00:19:31,420 --> 00:19:32,540
..heaven?

390
00:19:33,620 --> 00:19:35,340
No, it's a pound shop.

391
00:19:35,340 --> 00:19:37,460
It looks like heaven to me!

392
00:19:37,460 --> 00:19:40,140
Trust me,
heaven's nothing like this.

393
00:19:40,140 --> 00:19:42,780
So what happened
to the community centre?

394
00:19:42,780 --> 00:19:45,820
Without you, Mr Khan,
there is no community centre.

395
00:19:45,820 --> 00:19:47,020
What?

396
00:19:47,020 --> 00:19:51,140
Well, for 25 years, you were
the one constant in that place.

397
00:19:51,140 --> 00:19:54,900
Mosque managers, caretakers,
they all came and went.

398
00:19:54,900 --> 00:19:57,020
But you were always there.

399
00:19:58,060 --> 00:20:01,180
Well, I am the only one who knows
how to fiddle the electric meter.

400
00:20:01,180 --> 00:20:02,860
You kept that place going.

401
00:20:02,860 --> 00:20:04,780
And they still never named the place
after me.

402
00:20:04,780 --> 00:20:07,980
But without you, it didn't survive.

403
00:20:07,980 --> 00:20:11,260
It was bought up
by some greedy businessman.

404
00:20:11,260 --> 00:20:13,860
Oi, you two,
buy something or clear off.

405
00:20:13,860 --> 00:20:15,500
Ha-ha, hello, Dave!

406
00:20:15,500 --> 00:20:17,340
It is Dave, isn't it?

407
00:20:17,340 --> 00:20:19,740
That's right. Dave Prentice.
This is my shop.

408
00:20:19,740 --> 00:20:22,200
Ha! Are you the greedy businessman?

409
00:20:23,020 --> 00:20:24,100
Yes.

410
00:20:24,100 --> 00:20:26,220
Ginger Dave!

411
00:20:26,220 --> 00:20:28,740
Are you taking the ginger biscuit?

412
00:20:30,420 --> 00:20:31,980
I find that term offensive.

413
00:20:31,980 --> 00:20:36,380
Chill-ax, Davey. It's just
a bit of banter between friends.

414
00:20:36,380 --> 00:20:38,260
I'm not your friend.

415
00:20:38,260 --> 00:20:39,240
Keith!

416
00:20:41,300 --> 00:20:44,020
Oh, Keithy!
My next door neighbour.

417
00:20:45,140 --> 00:20:47,320
AS KEITH: Salman I like him,
Mr Khan.

418
00:20:48,320 --> 00:20:49,600
Sorry?

419
00:20:49,600 --> 00:20:51,200
We're not neighbours.

420
00:20:51,200 --> 00:20:54,820
The house next door to me
has been left to rot for 25 years.

421
00:20:54,820 --> 00:20:58,200
How dare you? Anyway, you're the one
who put the wallpaper up.

422
00:20:58,200 --> 00:21:00,600
Buy something or clear off.

423
00:21:03,070 --> 00:21:04,110
Keith!

424
00:21:06,500 --> 00:21:09,180
Excuse me, sir. How much is this?

425
00:21:12,280 --> 00:21:13,160
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

426
00:21:13,160 --> 00:21:13,980
One pound.

427
00:21:13,980 --> 00:21:15,360
Oh...!

428
00:21:17,300 --> 00:21:19,040
Erm, what about this?

429
00:21:20,120 --> 00:21:21,500
That's one pound, too.

430
00:21:21,500 --> 00:21:24,220
Everything's a pound.
It's a pound shop.

431
00:21:25,420 --> 00:21:27,500
I never thought of that.
Thank you, sir.

432
00:21:27,500 --> 00:21:29,320
That's OK, Amjad.

433
00:21:29,320 --> 00:21:30,820
At least you know who I am.

434
00:21:30,820 --> 00:21:33,760
No, I...I did think I do.

435
00:21:33,760 --> 00:21:36,740
Yes, you do. You just call me sir.
You always call me sir.

436
00:21:36,740 --> 00:21:39,500
Mummy says it's polite
to call people sir.

437
00:21:39,500 --> 00:21:42,740
Amjad, hurry up.
We can't be seen in here.

438
00:21:42,740 --> 00:21:45,780
Let's go
before anyone recognises us.

439
00:21:45,780 --> 00:21:48,940
I see you haven't changed.
You're still the same, huh.

440
00:21:52,300 --> 00:21:54,900
Amjad's not the same, though.

441
00:21:54,900 --> 00:21:56,500
He looked up to you.

442
00:21:56,500 --> 00:21:59,340
Now he's stuck at home
with his mother.

443
00:21:59,340 --> 00:22:01,500
He'll survive. They all will.

444
00:22:05,404 --> 00:22:06,644
Hello, sweetie.

445
00:22:07,420 --> 00:22:08,280
Oh...

446
00:22:08,740 --> 00:22:11,420
Hello.
So you know who I am?

447
00:22:11,420 --> 00:22:14,900
Of course I know who you are.
We were married, weren't we?

448
00:22:14,900 --> 00:22:16,260
Were?

449
00:22:16,260 --> 00:22:20,220
Well, it was 25 years ago. I know.
It was the happiest day of my life.

450
00:22:20,220 --> 00:22:22,420
Oh, mine, too.

451
00:22:22,420 --> 00:22:26,780
And then you got a briefcase
and became a proper businessman.

452
00:22:26,780 --> 00:22:29,220
I always wanted to be
a proper businessman.

453
00:22:29,220 --> 00:22:31,260
And then you went off
on your business trips

454
00:22:31,260 --> 00:22:33,540
and stayed away for weeks
in five-star hotels.

455
00:22:34,860 --> 00:22:36,620
These five-star hotels,

456
00:22:36,620 --> 00:22:39,940
did they have infinity pools
and executive suites?

457
00:22:39,940 --> 00:22:41,140
Idiot!

458
00:22:41,140 --> 00:22:44,060
And then one day
you never came back. What?

459
00:22:44,060 --> 00:22:47,380
And that was the end of it. Since
then, it's just been me and my mum.

460
00:22:47,380 --> 00:22:49,540
But what about our children?
What children?

461
00:22:49,540 --> 00:22:52,020
Alia and Shazia.
Who?

462
00:22:52,020 --> 00:22:54,260
Don't you see, Mr Khan?

463
00:22:54,260 --> 00:22:56,140
They never existed.

464
00:22:56,140 --> 00:22:58,180
Oh, it can't be.

465
00:22:59,300 --> 00:23:01,500
And we had grandchildren, too.

466
00:23:01,500 --> 00:23:03,620
Little Mo and Baby Nadia.

467
00:23:03,620 --> 00:23:06,300
I don't know what you're talking
about. Sweetie, tell me...

468
00:23:06,300 --> 00:23:07,580
Tell me this isn't real.

469
00:23:07,580 --> 00:23:09,740
Tell me you're still
my little gulab jamun.

470
00:23:09,740 --> 00:23:11,380
Stay away from me.

471
00:23:11,380 --> 00:23:14,980
You made your choice.
You left me and you left Sparkhill.

472
00:23:14,980 --> 00:23:16,900
Come on, Mum.

473
00:23:16,900 --> 00:23:18,780
No... Wait!

474
00:23:19,780 --> 00:23:21,420
Come back!

475
00:23:21,420 --> 00:23:22,780
Come back!

476
00:23:23,677 --> 00:23:26,260
I want to live in Sparkhill!

477
00:23:26,260 --> 00:23:29,560
I want to live in Sparkhill!

478
00:23:29,560 --> 00:23:32,820
I want to live in Sparkhill!
I want to live in Sparkhill!

479
00:23:32,820 --> 00:23:34,580
Mr Khan...
I want to live in Sparkhill!

480
00:23:34,580 --> 00:23:36,920
Mr Khan... Are you OK?

481
00:23:36,920 --> 00:23:38,200
Riaz?

482
00:23:39,340 --> 00:23:43,140
I fished this out of the canal. Have
you seen a woman, about this tall?

483
00:23:44,140 --> 00:23:46,260
Hang on...you know my name.

484
00:23:46,260 --> 00:23:48,400
You're Mr Khan. They all know do.

485
00:23:48,400 --> 00:23:49,760
And this is Sparkhill?

486
00:23:49,760 --> 00:23:53,220
Sparkhill with a chicken shop
and a community centre

487
00:23:53,220 --> 00:23:55,280
and a cash-and-carry?
Yes.

488
00:23:55,280 --> 00:23:57,180
And Mrs Khan...

489
00:23:57,180 --> 00:23:58,820
and Alia

490
00:23:58,820 --> 00:23:59,720
and the other one?

491
00:23:59,720 --> 00:24:01,380
Yes.

492
00:24:01,380 --> 00:24:05,700
And you're a big,
fat Muslim undertaker?

493
00:24:05,700 --> 00:24:08,080
OK. Oh, Riaz.

494
00:24:08,640 --> 00:24:10,073
Don't take this the wrong way...

495
00:24:11,260 --> 00:24:12,760
..but I love you!

496
00:24:17,520 --> 00:24:18,780
Sparkhill!

497
00:24:18,780 --> 00:24:20,260
Yeah!

498
00:24:20,260 --> 00:24:22,840
Hello, Sparkhill!

499
00:24:23,820 --> 00:24:27,540
Merry Christmas,
Mr Ali's Cash-And-Carry!

500
00:24:27,540 --> 00:24:29,300
Woohoo!

501
00:24:29,300 --> 00:24:32,180
Merry Christmas,
my Pakistani people!

502
00:24:33,460 --> 00:24:34,900
Woohoo!

503
00:24:34,900 --> 00:24:37,980
Merry Christmas,
Tasty Fried Chicken!

504
00:24:37,980 --> 00:24:42,780
Make mine a bargain bucket
and six extra hot wings!

505
00:24:43,860 --> 00:24:45,340
Whoa!

506
00:24:45,340 --> 00:24:46,460
Argh!

507
00:24:48,300 --> 00:24:49,700
Watch it!

508
00:24:53,880 --> 00:24:56,260
Merry Christmas, everyone!

509
00:25:02,100 --> 00:25:04,360
I should have let him
go and get his silly award.

510
00:25:04,360 --> 00:25:06,300
What if he's done something stupid?

511
00:25:06,300 --> 00:25:09,920
If he's not coming back,
can I have his chair?

512
00:25:11,260 --> 00:25:14,260
Is that all you can think of?
No, you're right.

513
00:25:14,260 --> 00:25:15,760
Can I had his footstool, too?

514
00:25:16,300 --> 00:25:17,780
I'm back!

515
00:25:17,780 --> 00:25:19,280
Oh, buggers!

516
00:25:19,980 --> 00:25:22,420
Where have you been?
We've all been so worried.

517
00:25:22,420 --> 00:25:24,580
Well, some of us have.

518
00:25:24,580 --> 00:25:27,460
I've been...getting
Christmas presents.

519
00:25:27,460 --> 00:25:29,100
You stupid, stupid man!

520
00:25:29,100 --> 00:25:31,700
How could you go off like that?
We called and called.

521
00:25:31,700 --> 00:25:33,860
What on earth were you thinking of?
Why...?

522
00:25:33,860 --> 00:25:34,920
Oh!

523
00:25:41,580 --> 00:25:43,940
Well, I think
that covers everything.

524
00:25:46,120 --> 00:25:47,680
I'm so glad to be back...

525
00:25:48,320 --> 00:25:49,740
..with all my family.

526
00:25:49,740 --> 00:25:53,600
My lovely, beautiful daughter Alia.

527
00:25:55,175 --> 00:25:57,860
And other daughter...Shazia.

528
00:25:57,860 --> 00:26:00,260
Also lovely and beautiful.

529
00:26:02,200 --> 00:26:04,500
And Amjad's here, too.

530
00:26:05,660 --> 00:26:07,160
I love you all.

531
00:26:07,900 --> 00:26:10,980
And I wouldn't change a thing
about any of you.

532
00:26:10,980 --> 00:26:13,940
Shall I cook us something?
No, thank you.

533
00:26:13,940 --> 00:26:15,900
DOORBELL RINGS

534
00:26:15,900 --> 00:26:17,300
Who's that?

535
00:26:17,300 --> 00:26:21,780
I ordered us a Tasty Fried Chicken
for us on the way home. Yeah!

536
00:26:21,780 --> 00:26:24,520
I come bearing wings!

537
00:26:25,594 --> 00:26:26,749
What an angel.

538
00:26:32,460 --> 00:26:33,800
Here you are.

539
00:26:33,826 --> 00:26:36,620
Now, give me a nappy to change.
You don't have to do that.

540
00:26:36,620 --> 00:26:38,060
No, but I want to.

541
00:26:38,060 --> 00:26:39,420
I love poop.

542
00:26:39,420 --> 00:26:41,980
Lovely, lovely poopy!

543
00:26:41,980 --> 00:26:45,520
He's just doing all this so he can
go to Buckingham Palace tomorrow.

544
00:26:45,520 --> 00:26:48,540
No, I'm not,
you great big biscuit barrel!

545
00:26:50,820 --> 00:26:53,900
There's only one palace
I want to be in.

546
00:26:53,900 --> 00:26:56,020
And I'm standing in it right now,

547
00:26:56,020 --> 00:26:58,580
right here, in Sparkhill.

548
00:26:59,860 --> 00:27:03,620
And so our story ends happily
for Mr Khan,

549
00:27:03,620 --> 00:27:08,300
who spent another lovely
poopy Christmas with his family.

550
00:27:09,460 --> 00:27:12,600
You know,
this is the best Christmas ever.

551
00:27:13,580 --> 00:27:15,180
I've learned...

552
00:27:15,180 --> 00:27:18,780
that people you love
are all that matters.

553
00:27:18,780 --> 00:27:21,580
And in our own small way...

554
00:27:21,580 --> 00:27:25,460
we can all make a difference
in this world.

555
00:27:25,460 --> 00:27:27,860
Isn't that right? A doggy!

556
00:27:30,100 --> 00:27:31,900
Exactly.