Sync by explosiveskull www.addic7ed.com
The show felt pretty good.
Yeah. I think I nailed that dance.
Yeah.
What do you want for dinner?
What are our options?
Vending machine dinner or no dinner.
Um...
I'm too tired to decide.
What city are we in, again?
Uh, I don't know. I always forget to look.
Hmm.
-Hey, Kate? -Hmm?
Do you think maybe it's time to do something different?
I mean, look at our lives.
We are 36 years old,
we have no husbands, no kids, no real jobs.
-Our lives are amazing. -I know!
The only thing that would make our lives better
is if we had our own comedy special.
Yeah.
♪ If we only had a special
♪ Our lives would be perfect
♪ It might be hard to make
♪ But it will be worth it
♪ We're making a special of songs and also comedy
♪ We're making a special
♪ With dick jokes and whimsy
♪ We've got determination and pizzazz
♪ And we can almost sing
♪ We're making a special
♪ For Garfunkel and Oates ♪
But comedy specials are expensive.
How are we gonna afford it?
-Guess we have to find a way to raise the money. -Yeah.
We could have a bikini plane wash
or a bikini train wash
or a bake sale.
We don't know how to do any of those things.
Yeah.
Oh, I know.
We could put on a show!
A fundraiser concert!
Yeah, yeah, we can have one of those giant thermometers, you know.
And then, the more money we make,
the higher the temperature gets.
Oh, I can totally picture it.
Hi. This is very exciting.
I can't believe this is actually happening!
We have a sold-out show and a big thermometer!
-I know. -I've seen bigger.
Tonight is gonna be amazing.
Can you guys keep it down?
I'm trying to watch sports in your green room.
-Our bad. -Yeah, sorry.
So what are you girls doing tonight, songs?
Still doing that?
Yep. Songs.
That's cool.
Oh.
Shouldn't you go out there?
Oh, I don't go until they start chanting my name.
But you're our opener.
Anthony! Anthony!
Sounds like they're ready for me.
Good luck.
Have a good set.
Welcome to the musical comedy of Garfunkel and Oates
or as I like to call it, "Music."
Are you guys big fans of Garfunkel and Oates
or just the same song 100 times?
Why did I eat so many hot dogs?
Get out, get out.
Oh, this is bad. The thermometer hasn't moved at all.
You can't handle comedy.
I am comedy, you can't handle it.
Pieces of shit. I mean, come on!
You know what I like about Garfunkel and Oates?
Nothing.
Ladies and gentlemen, there are some performers
who come along once in a lifetime
and change the way you think about comedy.
And then, there are people who have to use guitars.
Here's the latter.
Please welcome Garfunkel and Oates.
Uh! Another flawless victory.
That is a great crowd.
You guys are gonna have a lot of fun.
Really? 'Cause it seemed like they hated you.
I'm an artist.
You ready?
Yeah.
Fuck them! Fuck those stupid motherfuckers!
Who gives a fuck what they think?
They can go fuck themselves in their stupid audience faces.
So fuck them! Fuck them forever!
Radiate sunshine.
Hugs. Get weird. Spit in the mouth of the wolf.
Hey.
Hey, guys!
Thank you for coming!
-Oh, my gosh! -Hey, everybody!
-Thank you to The Neptune for hosting our fundraiser. -Mmm-hmm. Yes.
Because we're pretty sure that...
Well, we're hopeful that someday we'll be able to have a special.
Yeah.
And if you guys donate tonight,
the thermometer will go up and up and up.
And if we reach 100%,
we'll get to make an hour-long comedy special.
Yeah!
So is anyone in the audience pregnant?
You are?
What's your name?
-Jenna. -Jenna?
-Yeah. -Well, Jenna, this song is for you.
♪ Pregnant women are smug
♪ And everyone knows it nobody says it
♪ Because they're pregnant
♪ Effing son of a gun
♪ You think you're so deep now
♪ You give me the creeps now that you're pregnant
♪ I can't count all the ways how
♪ You speak in cliches now
So, do you want a boy or girl?
Oh, doesn't matter as long as it's healthy.
Really? 'Cause I don't feel those two things are related at all.
-You never have to... -No, no, as long as it's healthy.
♪ I can't wait to hear someone say
♪ Don't care if it's brain dead
♪ Don't care if it's limbless if it has a penis
♪ Pregnant women are smug
♪ And everyone knows it nobody says it
♪ Because they're pregnant
♪ This Zen world you're enjoying
♪ Makes you really annoying
So, is it a boy or girl?
Oh, we know, but we're not telling.
What you're gonna name it?
-Oh, we know, but we're not telling. -Who's the father?
Oh, we know, but we're not telling.
♪ Bitch, I don't really care
♪ I was being polite since you have no life now that you're pregnant
♪ You say you're walking on air
♪ You think that you're glowing but you've been ho'ing
♪ And now you're pregnant
♪ You're just giving birth now
♪ You're not Mother Earth now
Yeah, I've a lot going on. I got my degree, I moved, I wrote a novel.
Gosh, you know, everything seems so trivial now that I'm pregnant.
I also built that nuclear fusion reactor.
You know, I can't even really remember
what I did before I was pregnant.
Everything just seems so meaningless. Ha-ha-ha!
♪ Pregnant women are smug
♪ Everyone knows it nobody says it
♪ Because they're pregnant
♪ Effing son of a gun
♪ You think you're so deep now, you give me the creeps now
♪ Now that you're pregnant ♪
Thank you.
Oh, my gosh! You guys, look, It's already going up.
Thank you!
We had a woman in the front row once,
and she was like, "I'm pregnant. I'm pregnant."
And she was holding hands with this guy.
And I was like, "Oh, are you the father?"
And he was just like...
Yeah, Kate was trying to be positive, she goes,
"Are you in the running?" He's like...
-What a supportive dude, you know? -Yeah.
Kate and I were both like, "My kind of guy."
So this next song is about when you run into someone,
and they know who you are, but you don't know who they are.
And they call you on it.
'Cause everyone's a bad actor.
You're like...
And they are like, "You don't remember me, do you?"
You're like, "No."
And then they get mad, and you're like, "I don't like this feeling."
Like, it's about that.
So we have a theory as to why that happens.
♪ You say hello and I say hello back
♪ You say it's nice to see me again crap
♪ This conversation just keeps going
♪ Want to get through this without you knowing
♪ You can see it in my eyes my calculating bullshit lies
♪ You look at me so appalled
♪ 'Cause I don't recognize you at all
♪ Now, am I am asshole or are you just boring?
♪ 'Cause one of these two things must be true
♪ Am I self-absorbed preoccupied and shockingly cunty?
♪ Or is there just nothing memorable about you?
♪ Well, even if I'm arrogant and totally suck
♪ I'm still betting on the latter
♪ 'Cause you're bland as fuck
♪ I don't know who you are
♪ I don't have a freaking clue
♪ So get a catchphrase get an accent
♪ Fuck your face up with a tattoo
♪ Okay, so fine so now you know
♪ That I don't know so there you go
♪ You don't even look a little familiar to me
♪ And I blame you
♪ I blame you
♪ I'm willing to bet this happens to you a lot
♪ This can't be the first blank stare that you've got
♪ You're a sand-filled desert without a mirage
♪ You're a Honda Accord in a parking garage
♪ You're camouflage on camouflage
♪ You're a dumb white guy on Entourage
♪ You've chosen no form of expression
♪ Yet expect to make an impression
♪ Now, am I a shithead or are you just blech?
♪ Hey, I think that question is pretty fair
♪ Now, you're looking at me like I just drop-kicked a baby
♪ But I won't remember you anyway
♪ So I don't care
♪ Your overwhelming averageness is such a drag
♪ So fix the situation or wear a name tag
♪ I don't know who you are, not even a little bit
♪ So carry nun-chucks adopt a black kid
♪ To make people give a shit
♪ Okay, so fine so now you know
♪ That I don't know so there you go
♪ You don't even look a little familiar to me
♪ And I blame you
♪ I blame you
♪ 'Cause...
WE CAN'T AFFORD THE SONG WE ARE COVERING
♪ And I blame you ♪
Thank you.
When I turned 30, I gave a gift to myself,
which was, I emailed all of my friends,
in this huge mass email,
and I'm like, "Guess what? I'm turning 30
"This means, I will no longer take you or pick you up from the airport at all."
I mean, I remember getting up at 4:30
and taking someone to Long Beach, to the airport.
And I was like, "This is... This is the last one."
Yeah.
So I turned 30, and I was still doing this thing that the next song is about,
which is, basically, you text a relationship out of existence.
I shouldn't say "relationship."
-And hoping that no one notices. -Yeah.
No, but you were doing it with relationships.
-Yeah. -This wasn't, like, one date,
and like, "Maybe I'll see you soon."
This was, like, somewhere where you had to tell them.
So Riki sat me down and said, "You are not allowed to do this anymore."
And I thought, "Yeah, you're right."
And so, I, um... I typed up a form letter,
and, uh...
I have a stack of them. I keep them in my glove compartment.
And then, when I'm ready to tell someone that it's over,
basically, I just, like, fill out their name, then I, like, circle.
Like, it's been one, two, three, four dates, whatever, you circle.
And then, I, like, stamp my name.
It's a nicer way to go about things.
Bu this next song is basically, uh,
about our girlfriends who breakup with their boyfriends in this manner.
♪ We've been on a bunch of dates
♪ I weigh debates that this creates
♪ And hate that state of forced introspection
♪ We traded wit we swapped some spit
♪ You fingered me a little bit
♪ But we never really had a connection
♪ You did nothing wrong I have no excuse
♪ Just my intuition telling me we shouldn't reproduce
♪ I know I have to end it but pretend to just suspend it
♪ By contending that I'm busy all week
♪ I let the foregone linger on text back with an emoticon
♪ Withdraw from you by being oblique
♪ Inside I know my tactics just delay it
♪ But I'd do anything so I don't have to say it
♪ I'll draw this out forever like it's Vietnam
♪ Then one day I'll be gone like Bambi's mom
Aw.
♪ 'Cause there's the right thing to do
♪ Then there's what I'm gonna do
♪ There's so much I should say, but instead
♪ I do the fade away
♪ Fade away
♪ Now I'm fading like chalk on a sidewalk
♪ Or the polio virus after Jonas Salk
♪ Like a Jewish guy at Sizzler on Yom Kippur
♪ The Whig Party post Millard Fillmore
♪ The erection of a man on antidepressants
♪ The cast of Diff'rent Strokes after adolescence
♪ Reproductive rights below the Mason Dixon
♪ Native Americans after the barter system
♪ Your thyroid gland after Hashimoto
♪ The family in the Back to the Future photo
♪ Yeah, I fade away
♪ We say that men are assholes who don't communicate
♪ We revel in our victimhood and amplify our hate
♪ We find ways to be indignant like it's a sport
♪ Then dissect their malignance with the views we distort
♪ The way men break up may be sloppy and terse
♪ What they do is bad but what we do is worse
♪ We pretend to ourselves it's the nice thing to do
♪ To let you down gently
♪ By just not fucking telling you
♪ And deep down we know it's the worst way to play it
♪ But we are what we have
♪ Huge pussies
♪ And women are hypocrites
♪ Especially ones in comedy bands
♪ We see your faults but not our own
♪ Then we wonder why we're all alone
♪ We fill you up with maybes excuses and stalls
♪ But like a baby in China
♪ It's better to have balls
♪ Not the Good Wife type like Christine Baranski
♪ So I'll pull out and leave like I'm Roman Polanski
Aw.
♪ 'Cause there's the right thing to do
♪ Then there's what I'm gonna do
♪ There's so much I should say but instead
♪ I do the fade away
♪ Fade away
♪ Like Verbal Kint fading into Keyser Soze
♪ The rights in Arizona for a guy named Jose
♪ Opportunities for a college grad
♪ The love between your mom and dad
♪ Gonna Peter out like a gay Cetera
♪ Iranian relations since the Reagan era
♪ Black Nike sales after Heaven's Gate
♪ Summer Camp attendance at Penn State
Right?
♪ The name Adolf after World War II
♪ Like Debbie Gibson's pop career
♪ Out of the blue
♪ Yeah, I fade away
♪ 'Cause I don't wanna get to know you
♪ I just want to blow you
♪ Off ♪
Thank you.
Do you remember how we finished that song?
Yeah. Oh, I remember!
So we had one line left. It was a Debbie Gibson line,
which is, like, not the best line in the song.
But we just couldn't finish it.
We couldn't find anything else that faded away.
And so we were like, "Let's go write somewhere."
-And so, we were gonna go to a hotel and have lunch. -Yeah.
You know, like, a different place than we usually are at.
And then, I'm like, "Do you want to take a helicopter somewhere?"
Kate's like, "Yes, I do."
-We didn't have, like, any plan. -Mmm-mmm.
-We just drove to Long Beach. -We didn't have any luggage.
-Not to take anyone to the airport. -No.
-To take ourselves to the helicopter pad. -Well, yeah.
-We took ourselves to the heliport. -Yeah.
And then, we just flew to Catalina. Mmmhmm.
And we just spent the night,
and then, we wrote one line.
-We're in Catalina. -We're on a roof.
-Yeah. -We're drinking champagne, writing a song.
We were like, "We are gonna get so much work done.
"It's beautiful. We're gonna isolate ourselves."
And then, we did that one and we're like,
"It was all right."
♪ Debbie Gibson's pop career
♪ Out of the blue
♪ Yeah, I fade away
♪ Fade away ♪
We were like, "Let's go to the store 'cause we need stuff,"
-and we bought a bottle of champagne and a toothbrush. -Yup.
That's all we needed, it turned out.
Yeah.
That's my second-favorite time with you in a helicopter.
What was your first-favorite time?
-At the Grand Canyon. -Oh.
Okay.
So, we...
-We were four hours outside of the Grand Canyon? -Sure. Yeah.
We were, like, in Tempe or one of those cities. I don't know.
And we convinced this guy who worked at the comedy club to drive us...
We were like, "If you drive us to the Grand Canyon,
"we'll take you on a helicopter."
So we get to the helicopter and they put earphones on you,
and play music as we're, like, taking off.
Yeah, there's a playlist of songs that I didn't like before,
and now I love them.
Yeah.
-Two Train songs, by the way. -Mmm-hmm.
Two! There was, like, five songs on the thing,
and there was two Train songs.
-Oh, and then, that U2 song. -Yeah, Beautiful Day.
Yeah. Which... Okay. That song, "Eh," but now, "Oh, yeah!"
We're, like, flying over the trees.
-It's, like, just as you're taking off... -Yeah.
♪ It's a beautiful day ♪
And then, you're over the Grand Canyon.
-And you keep crying. -You keep crying.
Like, "Yes, it is!
"Oh, my God!"
We're bawling.
And the bouncer who came with us is like, "What's happening?
"Who are these women?"
"Look, there is a moose!" "Oh, my God!"
Such a beautiful day.
It's beautiful. Oh, yes, I love the sun.
And then, it's like... ♪ Tell me... ♪
-And we're, like, singing. -And we're, like "Yeah!"
It was, like, so emotional.
And then, we had to ride four hours back with this guy,
who didn't like us as much on the way back.
And then, we had to go do a show.
And I kind of want to say that may have been our worst show we've ever done.
-Really? -You remember that, that Sunday night show?
-I don't remember it. -We both stood behind. We were selling merch.
And we were like, "Why did we only sell two CDs?"
-Yeah. -Aw. I know, it was the worst night of our lives.
Hey, guys, we only sold two of our CDs.
We only took a helicopter over the Grand Canyon, and then two CDs!
It was a really bad day.
So I'm sure you guys noticed you were given kazoos as you walked in,
like every comedy show. Um...
For those of you who don't know...
If your kazoo is "broken," it's 'cause you're blowing into it.
This is a common mistake. Don't feel dumb. It's like...
Nothing happens. So you just have to hum.
Yeah.
So we're gonna play you the first song we ever wrote.
And we wrote it for this short that we were doing together.
♪ I used to dream that I would be
♪ A bright and shiny star on TV
♪ Or maybe I would go to college
♪ Like Harvard ♪ Or Devry
♪ I would live in an apartment
♪ In Paris or in Cincinnati ♪
And then, we liked writing songs together so much
that we continued, and here we are.
And we used to give kazoos to the audience,
and we'd have them kazoo with us during this one part.
So we'll show you the part... We'll kazoo the part
and then everyone can join in.
It's very easy, but, yeah, you'll see.
You guys feeling ready?
So we're gonna bring it down a little.
It's a very serious song.
♪ I've got too many questions in my mind
♪ And I've got too many answers to find
♪ Can I give up all I've imagined?
♪ Am I imagical enough for this to happen?
-♪ Because I like you -♪ I like you
-♪ I like you
♪ And like can lead to like like
♪ And like like can lead to love
♪ As sure as the stars above, I'd really like to
-♪ Kiss you -♪ Fuck you
Oh.
♪ Can I be the man you're looking for?
♪ Can I be a girl forever more?
♪ I'll try real hard not to lose her
♪ I'll try to be less of a loser
-♪ Because I like you -♪ I like you
-♪ I like you
♪ And like can lead to like like
♪ And like like can lead to love
♪ As sure as the stars above I'd really like to
-♪ Kiss you -♪ Fuck you
-♪ Kiss you
♪ Fuck you ♪
Oh, my God, you guys!
♪ Because I like you I like you, I like you I like you
♪ And like can lead to like like
♪ And like like can lead to love
♪ As sure as the stars above I'd really like to
-♪ Kiss you -♪ Hold you, fist you
-♪ Jack you, rim you -♪ Kiss you, kiss you
-♪ Kill you -♪ Kiss you
♪ Fuck you ♪
Damn!
It sounded amazing, guys.
Oh, wait, look! Look, what's happening!
We're halfway special.
Yeah!
I feel like when we walked out here,
you guys had one thought.
And that thought is,
"Those two girls, they're rappers."
-Yeah, and you're right. -Yeah.
-This is real. -We are rappers.
We're also really, really late bloomers,
and, um, because of that we're really bad at giving hand jobs.
Yeah. We sort of missed that phase.
Like, we both kissed someone in, like, seventh grade,
then kind of like, nothing, nothing, nothing, college, nothing,
and then sex.
So, like, once you're 30, no one will teach you.
I was once, like, trying to do it.
I was just working really hard at it.
-That's right. -Because that's how you do it.
What, like you're conducting?
I call this "The symphony of butterflies."
Look at that.
-Phoo! -Wow!
-That is quite a penis. -I know.
But anyways, I was trying to do it, and I was trying to do it.
And then, the guy was just like, "You know what? Just let me do it.
"Let me do it." And I was like, "Oh, I'm sorry.
-"Go ahead." -Aw, so sweet.
-Yeah, really romantic. -You guys still together?
-Oh, yes. -Yeah.
So, DJ, hit us up.
Yo, yo. We made this beat ourselves.
That's why it's so good.
♪ Hand job, bland job I don't understand job
♪ I've got a problem and I can't contain it
♪ I use my icky sticky rhymes to help me explain it
♪ Handy Js are like Stonehenge to me
♪ Robert Stack can't even unsolve this mystery
♪ I'm the messed up child of a baby boomer
♪ I was in the gifted class but a total late bloomer
♪ Now, I got a secret to get off my chest
♪ Went from kissing to sex but never learned the rest
♪ In high school I was in the marching band
♪ Not learning what to do with my hand
♪ While other girls were dripping like a Jackson Pollock
♪ I blossomed later than Mayim Bialik ♪
Oh, wait.
-Oh, shit. -It didn't happen.
-It didn't. -Do we have the wrong track?
Right? It didn't do the thing.
You can stop the track now, sir.
-Really? -Uh... Yeah.
It didn't do.
We have, like, a thing from the Blossom soundtrack.
-Did we send him an old version? -I don't know.
-Should I run and get my computer? -Yeah.
-Fuck! Really? -Yeah.
Guys, okay, hold on.
I'll be back!
Um...
Okay, guys.
While she's gone, I've just got to vent a little bit.
Like, she's a terrible person.
You guys, like, you can't even imagine my pain.
Like, all she does is yell at me.
And call me names and tell me I'm ugly
and untalented.
I know. It's really hard.
She's clearly a bitch.
I think the show is going well considering we have the wrong track.
It's been really fun.
I'm having a good time. Lot of stairs in this place,
but it's good. Okay.
I'm trying to think if I know any jokes.
Oh, thank God.
Are we gonna email him the track?
Okay. What's your email, Owen?
-Yeah, they want the laptop? -Yeah, yeah.
Oh, great.
So...
Hold on. Let me slip into something less comfortable.
-Kate, people expect perfection, you know? -I know.
And we've been word-perfect so far.
We made no mistakes tonight, every joke was airtight.
Okay, let's try it. Just keep it up. Levels might not be perfect.
You guys ready?
Yo, DJ, hit us up.
Yo, this beat came right from my laptop that's why it's so good.
Oh, yeah.
♪ Hand job, bland job I don't understand job
♪ I've got a problem and I can't contain it
♪ I use my icky sticky rhymes to help me explain it
♪ Handy Js are like Stonehenge to me
♪ Robert Stack can't even unsolve this mystery
♪ I'm the messed up child of a baby boomer
♪ I was in the gifted class but a total late bloomer
♪ Now, I got a secret to get off my chest
♪ Went from kissing to sex but never learned the rest
♪ In high school I was in the marching band
♪ Not learning what to do with my hand
♪ While other girls were dripping like a Jackson Pollock
♪ I blossomed later than Mayim Bialik
♪ I'm investigating bones like Deschanel
♪ Trying to make it stand up like Dave Chappelle
♪ When I stare down the barrel of a semi-hard dick
♪ I feel more singled out than
♪ Chris Hardwick
♪ I studied Bach Jacques Chirac and Isaac Asimov
♪ But I wasn't on the ski bus jerking people off
♪ Wouldn't let you touch my chest
♪ Like you're Vapo rubbing Vicks in
♪ Let alone deep throat your Tricky Dick Nixon
♪ I wanna learn how to make your Watergates flow
♪ I'm resigned like Spiro Agnew that I might never know
♪ How to HJ your L.B. Johnson
♪ Know less about dicks than Samantha Ronson
♪ Yeah
♪ I should have explored new frontiers like Wil Wheaton
♪ But I was more conservative than Alex P. Keaton
♪ I've fallen into crisis just like the Dow
♪ I wanna give a hand job but I don't know how
♪ Hand job, bland job I don't understand job
♪ Do I spit, do I squeeze do I ever touch the top?
♪ How can I learn when you always make me stop?
♪ Now, I'm on a full-blown investigation
♪ To unlock the secrets of ejaculation
♪ I need a translator like I'm reading Balzac
♪ To crack the Rosetta Stone over your ball sack
Ow!
♪ The top is the part that confuses me the most
♪ It looks like a Silly Putty Pac-Man ghost
♪ Sometimes it's Jell-O jiggling sometimes it's denser
♪ But they all look like a Darth Vader Pez dispenser
♪ Like Sam Jackson I'm not as good with Shaft
♪ When it's soft and flabby like President Taft
♪ It's like a deep south queen that you wanna make straight
♪ Will I make it upright if I move it like a Shake Weight?
♪ Move it like a Shake Weight move it like a Shake Weight
♪ I'm pumping like breaks that aren't anti-lock
♪ Trying not to go psycho on your Alfred Hitchcock
♪ I go a little faster and then I retard
♪ It's like a hamster that you don't wanna squeeze too hard
♪ I'm working my hand till I get arthritis
♪ I'll be holdin' till I get the Golden Touch of Midas
♪ I think, therefore I am getting my Descartes on
♪ Till I fully comprehend your Marcia Gay Hard-on
♪ But the biggest throbbing question of all's
♪ Seriously, what do you do with the balls?
♪ Do I roll 'em like dice do I mold them like clay?
♪ Do I tickle them like Elmo or throw 'em like a partay?
♪ Do I move 'em all around or cup it slow?
♪ It's like the two bald critic puppets from The Muppet Show
♪ Just sitting there cranky and superfluous
♪ How 'bout I don't touch them unless you insist?
♪ Hand job, bland job I don't understand job
♪ Do I spit, do I squeeze do I ever touch the top?
♪ ♪ How can I learn when you always make me stop?
♪ How can I learn when you always make me stop? ♪
Thank you.
Thanks, guys.
I feel like that song is more of a cautionary tale.
Like, don't be like us.
If you can learn, you should do it.
One time, we were actually here, at the university,
and Riki told a group of 1,000 kids, freshman class...
-You said that very thing. -They hired us to play at the freshman orientation,
which, probably in retrospect, was not the best fit, but...
That was when... This was what, probably six years ago?
-Yeah. -And that's when we were doing our douche rap.
And, uh, I never saw...
♪ But the douche, but the douche, but the motherfucking douche
♪ Thought it was a perfect party
♪ Now it's just a lot of Ed Hardy
♪ This party just took a turn for the douche ♪
So we did that song.
And there was, like, a mass exit of just, like, 18-year-old boys
wearing, like, dragon shirts.
They all found each other on the first day.
They're like, "You have a dragon on your shirt,
"I have a dragon on my shirt. Let's be friends."
And then, they came to our show and they're like,
-"Let's get out of here." -Yeah.
It was the biggest mass exit we've ever had.
And we were so excited. We were like, "Yes!"
It was like a douche parade and we were so happy.
And then, Riki told all of the kids,
she was like, "Just start learning now, everyone. Start to learn..."
I was like, "Girls, start jerking these guys off right now."
I've never heard a roar so...
-All the guys were like... -"Yeah!"
I think all the dragon shirts were like,
"What did we just miss?"
Yeah.
Speaking of college...
-This is a good transition. -Oh, yeah.
This next song is about my bisexual phase in college, so...
♪ There comes a time in everyone's life
♪ When they choose stasis or they choose to grow
♪ To be open to new views and experiences
♪ And challenge what they think they know
♪ We don't live in a black and white world
♪ And sexuality exists in the gray
♪ You can't define those roles so rigidly
♪ By saying someone's totally straight or totally gay
♪ 'Cause people are just people
♪ And love today is omnisexual
♪ God, I love this new side of me as a modern heteroflexible
♪ So with the help of a lot of booze
♪ I find a girl and we make out
♪ And it feels the same as kissing a guy
♪ So I don't see what all the fuss is about
♪ We keep hooking up and it feels so good
♪ And with my new broad outlook firmly in place
♪ I've come so far it feels so right
♪ There's a vagina in my face and I'm all...
Ew!
♪ Holy shit I didn't expect that!
♪ I didn't know I'd react that way
♪ I was repelled like negatively charged ions in a magnetic field
♪ Or like I got pricked by a thorn
♪ I'm Cinderella and it's midnight and my coach turned into a woman
♪ I haven't been that close to a vagina since I was born
♪ I thought I understood what was up down there
♪ But it's just so human when you see it up close
♪ It's a messy visible secreting organ
♪ Real woman genitals are kind of gross
♪ I thought it'd be smooth and non-threatening
♪ Or non-existent like Barbie's
♪ Instead it looks like a half-eaten Beef 'n Cheddar
♪ In the garbage can at Arby's
♪ It's wrinkly and flappy and uneven and messy
♪ And kind of pink but also kind of brown
♪ With a super aggressive tongue-like hole
♪ And a hoody triangle protruding skin mound
♪ It's like a weather-beaten deflated football
♪ Or a decomposing bloody pear
♪ Or a toothless mouth with gum rot and yeast
♪ That's salivating and covered in hair
♪ I knew it smelled weird but this is extreme
♪ Like old French dressing at a salad bar
♪ Or expired banana Activia
♪ Or a dead, rotting turtle you left in your car
♪ It reminds me of the smell of my grandma's house
♪ Or a guinea pig with bacterial disease
♪ Wafting from a jar of formaldehyde
♪ Or fresh SpaghettiOs and warm blue cheese
♪ Oh, God, I can't believe I said that
♪ That was insensitive and immature
♪ I swear I'm not homophobic or anti-woman
♪ Just caught off guard for sure
♪ The female anatomy's divine and perfect
♪ And should be eternally celebrated
♪ And revered for its role as beautiful vessel
♪ Wherein all life is created
♪ And when I think about it, I'm like
Oh, I can't think about it!
♪ I'm sorry for the confusion, ma'am
♪ I guess I'm not that evolved
♪ And my illusions of bisexuality just instantly dissolved
♪ I mourn the cool new life I'd envisioned
♪ Where love renders gender preference obsolete
♪ 'Cause when I looked a vagina in the eye
♪ I made a hasty ungraceful retreat
♪ So my sad but definite conclusion is
♪ That my mouth is for food and penises only
♪ But I'm happy so many people like it down there
♪ Otherwise I'd be really lonely
♪ And I can't believe I have one of those
♪ Ew ♪
-Thank you. -Thank you.
Whoo!
You guys, I was so affected by the visceral memory of that that my shoes came off.
That was not planned.
And my extra pick that I keep in my shoe.
-Is it a pick that has your name on it? -Yep.
Happy birthday.
We didn't know this for a while.
Two years into our friendship, Riki mentioned
she had gone to music camp when she was a kid.
And I was like, "Oh, I went to music camp."
We were at the same music camp when we were 10.
We met when we were children.
-Yeah. -And we didn't know it.
-So weird. -Isn't that weird?
We could have been doing this the whole time.
Yeah.
We would have had a special by now.
Yeah.
It would have been like, "Kid wonders. They're 12 years old."
"And they only sing dick jokes. It's not weird."
So this next song is... Well, how do we explain this?
Well, uh, Riki actually froze her eggs...
-Last year. -Yeah.
I did the whole process.
Thank you.
Everyone else is like, "Oh."
Is it like some implication or something?
I don't know what it's an implication of.
Or they start laughing 'cause they think it's a joke.
-Right. I'm like, "No. No." -It's a real thing.
I'm 36, I'm like, "Yeah, I did that."
I have a video of Riki in the parking lot of LAX...
Because all of these shots have to be timed at the right time.
And Riki's just like... Like a badass.
I was like... Yeah.
This is the part of the special where we cut to that video.
Oh, my God!
-We do? We still have it? -We have it.
Okay. I'm doing my IVF drugs in the airport parking lot.
So I take one hydro something.
Swirl it around.
-Now what? -Look.
I don't know if I'm gonna be able to look.
Oh, what is that?
Now, I've got to find... Not a vein. Ow!
-Not a vein? -Yeah.
But luckily, I'm fucking see-through.
Is there another one after this one?
-Yep. -Another one?
Yeah, so I did that, and we went on tour.
And I was really emotional the whole tour,
and I was crying a lot.
-Well, yeah. -And I started, kind of, yelling at the audience.
It was the only time I really didn't appreciate the audience.
I was, like, mad at them, and I didn't know why.
Like, I just didn't know what to do with all my feelings.
It was like a storm, but it might strike, it might not,
-but I was always just like, "Oh, here we go." -Yeah.
And then, there was this... I don't remember where we were.
-Colorado? Denver. Yeah. -I do. Denver.
And there was this couple in the front row.
And I'm like, "You guys are together?"
She's like, "Yeah." I'm like, "Who's this?"
She was like, "Dan," I was like, "Is he worth it?"
For real.
She's like, "What?" I'm like, "What did you give up to be with Dan?
"Is Dan so great?"
I'm not even joking. And she was like... Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
But the weird thing was, on her face, she was like...
She was like, "He's not so great."
You could see it. I know.
And I was like, "What did you want to be before Dan?"
She's like, "Architect."
I'm like, "What are you now?"
And she's like, "Not an architect."
I was like, "See? All for Dan.
"What's so great about Dan?"
-And I just stood there uncomfortably. -Yeah.
And it literally... I was walking around the stage being like,
All the ladies in the house who gave up
their dreams for a man, say, "Hey."
Not kidding.
And Kate's like, "Hey!"
But I didn't give up my dreams for a man,
'cause here we are.
So we were talking about if I do have a frozen-egg baby.
I think that's the technical term, right?
You call them that their whole lives? I don't know.
But if I do have a frozen-egg baby,
and it asks, "Where do babies come from?"
It'll be like, "Oh, what do I say to that?"
LAX? I don't know.
So we wrote a little lullaby for that frozen-egg baby
in hopes that maybe someday that little boy or little girl will sing along,
you know, at bedtime.
Mommy, where do babies come from?
It's pretty simple, actually.
♪ When a man doesn't love a woman very, very much
♪ He signs away his paternal rights and jizzes in a cup
♪ Then with lots of money and scientific genius
♪ Hormones, pain and of course, um
♪ Jesus
♪ The process begins the way God intended
♪ With a transvaginal ultrasound
♪ With a wand longer than a ukulele
♪ When it comes out of my body it makes this sound
♪ I give myself daily intradermal injections
♪ An acute blood thinner and estrogen concurrence
♪ Cryopreservation through hormonal activation
♪ And none of it's covered by insurance
♪ Then I'm knocked out and you're removed
♪ And combined with a stranger's cum
♪ And as the saying goes
♪ You win some ♪ You lose some
♪ You dispose of the defective ones in a hazardous waste bin
♪ And then you're frozen until I'm certain
♪ It's time to unthaw you into a person
♪ Then you'll expire or you'll make the grade
♪ And that, my darling, that's how babies are made
♪ It's so easy and natural
♪ Hush, little egg-baby don't say a word
♪ Mama's gonna freeze you till she gets rich
♪ And when that day finally arrives
♪ You'll be constructed in a petri dish
♪ With sperm donor 8W6-3
♪ The silent partner of our family
♪ So hush, little egg-baby don't be sad
♪ Just because I never fucked your dad
♪ I know there are orphans everywhere
♪ But I'm going to pretend that isn't real
♪ Don't look at me like that just 'cause I admit it
♪ You had kids and you knew the deal
♪ Yeah, I feel guilty about overpopulation
♪ And ruining the environment for forever
♪ But Osama bin Laden had 20 kids
♪ So fuck you, or whatever
♪ Sadly, procreation is not a meritocracy
♪ And we need to prevent a real-life idiocracy
♪ Though it may be the ultimate form of narcissism
♪ It's also a way to re-reverse reverse Darwinism
♪ I want all the stuff I don't need to make a bucket list
♪ It doesn't make me greedy it just makes me a feminist
♪ Now I'm thinking back through all the guys I've dated
♪ If they heard this song they'd fucking hate it
♪ It's so easy and natural
♪ Hush, little egg-baby don't you cry
♪ You'll have the best genes Mommy can buy
♪ I don't want to wait until I get in dire straits
♪ My friends say if I want kids, I should go out on some dates
♪ These working bitches don't have time to leave it to the fates
♪ The world deserves more Rikis
♪ And the world deserves more Kates
♪ So hush, little egg-baby dad's are overrated
♪ He did what mattered when he masturbated
♪ Hush, little egg-baby just hold firm
♪ Mama's gonna buy you designer sperm
♪ And if that sperm gives you random traits
♪ Mama's gonna test your DNA
♪ And if your DNA doesn't make things clear
♪ Mama's gonna just have to live in fear
♪ And if that fear turns into guilt
♪ Mama's gonna hold on to what we've built
♪ And if I hold too tight as to suffocate
♪ I'll buy you lots of things to overcompensate
♪ And if that overcompensation's too transparent
♪ I'll pretend it's somehow better with no male parent
♪ And if you say but, Mom, who's my dad?
♪ I'll say, I don't know and it's just too bad
♪ And if that badness forms a hole in your heart
♪ I'll wanna make it up to you won't know where to start
♪ I'll probably start by saying it's just you and me
♪ And there's no such thing as a normal family
♪ So fuck being normal let's do this shit
♪ Mama's gonna freeze you till she gets rich ♪
Look, it's going. It's happening.
Yay!
-This is all thanks to your love. -Thank you.
-And enthusiasm. -And your money.
Your love and your money.
Yeah.
-So now we're gonna sing a song about a blowjob. -Yeah.
-Do you wanna expand on that? -Yeah, I do.
This is a stream of consciousness song,
what you think about when you're blowing someone.
And the song begins kind of, like, five or six minutes in,
where you're like, "Okay," you know?
You're like... It's so cool, but you're like,
-"Mmm-hmm. -Mmm-hmm."
Yeah, so it's right there.
Yeah.
♪ I've been down here such a long, long time
♪ My neck is at a weird angle and I don't love the view
♪ I've been working hard here
♪ You're not sure what else to do
♪ Maybe I'll try eye contact
♪ Nope, no eye contact I feel like a creep
♪ Maybe it'll be over soon and I can go to
♪ Ew
♪ I just chagged I hate chagging it's so embar...
♪ I did it again
♪ Who was the first woman to put a dick in her mouth?
♪ So avant-garde what a pioneer
♪ God, I don't know anything about the history of women
♪ If a hipster comes on someone's face
♪ Does he make it in a figure-eight like little come-glasses?
♪ Pearl vision
♪ I wanna make you feel good
♪ And stopping now would feel kind of wrong
♪ I wanna make you feel good
♪ But only if it doesn't take too long
♪ What should I do? My mouth is so dry
♪ Is it considered lubricant if I start to cry?
♪ If my dad saw me now I would feel so bad
♪ Oh, my God, stop thinking about my dad!
♪ The length of time down here I'm willing to do
♪ Is directly proportional to how much I like you
♪ I feel like you should know that and hurry up
♪ 'Cause guess what?
♪ I don't like you that much
♪ Or maybe I do
♪ Who are you?
Seriously. Who are you?
♪ I'm 36 years old and I forgot who I'm blowing
♪ I can't be down here any longer with not knowing
♪ You got one of those dicks that I can't seem to place
♪ I'll pretend to take a deep breath and look up at your face
Oh! It's Derek!
♪ I wanna make you feel good
♪ And stopping now would feel kind of wrong
♪ I wanna make you feel good
♪ But only if it doesn't take too long
What's that sound?
It's silence!
♪ I feel like I haven't heard silence in such a long time
♪ Is this the first time I've stopped talking in, like two years?
♪ Am I talking to fill the void of the great, big empty?
♪ Am I always like...
♪ So I don't have to face my fears?
♪ Do I really need a dick in my mouth to stop talking?
♪ Don't I ever shut the fuck up?
♪ God, I'm so sick of myself
♪ I need to talk to my therapist about why I talk so much
♪ Am I scared of si...
♪ Yes, he's cumming! Yes, he's cumming!
♪ Yes, he's cumming!
♪ Whoa!
♪ He's cumming ♪
Thank you.
Yeah.
So does anyone here know what God's loophole is?
-Yes. -Yes.
For those of you who don't know,
it's when Christian girls stay virgins till they're married, but have anal sex,
so God's loophole.
So we just thought, you know, staying pure through anal,
why not write a song about it?
♪ All my life I've been good
♪ Do what my mom and dad and God say I should
♪ Go to church and Bible School
♪ To live by God's rule
♪ So whatever people tell me that the Bible tells me
♪ I will do
♪ Walk the halls of high school with my purity ring
♪ Unlike those other girls, I've got my morals in check
♪ It was easy to do till I got a boyfriend
♪ And pardon my French but he's cute as heck
♪ But I made a pact to keep my hymen intact
♪ And Jesus and I are tight
♪ Never learned about the birds and bees
♪ I was taught to keep an aspirin in between my knees
♪ 'Cause the Bible says premarital sex is wrong
♪ But Jason says that guys can't wait that long
♪ I don't want to lose him to someone who'll do him
♪ I need to figure something out
♪ Well, there's a loophole in The Scripture that works really well
♪ So I can get him off without going to Hell
♪ It's my Hail Mary full of grace
♪ In Jesus' name we go to fifth base!
♪ Oh, thank you for making me holy
♪ And thank you for giving me holes to choose from
♪ And since I'm not a Godless whore
♪ He'll have to come in the back door
♪ Therefore, fuck me in the ass 'cause I love Jesus
♪ The good Lord would want it that way
♪ Give me that sweet sensation of a throbbing rationalization
♪ It's just between you and me
♪ 'Cause everyone knows it's the sex that God can't see
♪ It's hard to be as pure as me
♪ To resist the urge to lose my vaginal virginity
♪ To wait until my marriage bed
♪ To give my husband my unsullied maiden head
♪ So take your cock out, shove it in my ass
♪ Fuck me until you cum
♪ Oops! I mean, let's join our souls and unite our bodies
♪ And fly with the wings of God
♪ Whatever you do, don't touch my clitoris
♪ If you ring Satan's doorbell God can't ignore this
♪ And no prophylactics when you put it in
♪ 'Cause birth control's for sluts and it's a sin
♪ I've emptied my bowels and laid out the towels
♪ I'm ready for romance
♪ Now, I'm praying to the power that's the highest
♪ But of all of my holes this ones the driest
♪ But we can't procreate if we anally copulate
♪ And God is okay with sodomy but only if you're straight
♪ And I'm staying pure no matter what
♪ So I'm okay with everything butt
♪ Everything butt
♪ Oh, fuck me in the ass 'cause I love Jesus
♪ The good Lord would want it that way
♪ Give me that sweet sensation of a rock hard rationalization
♪ It's just between you and me
♪ 'Cause everyone knows it's the sex that God can't see
♪ I do whatever the Bible tells me to
♪ Except for the parts that I choose to ignore
♪ Because they're unrealistic and inconvenient
♪ But the rest I live by for sure
♪ So let's not talk about how the Good Book bans
♪ Shellfish, polyester and divorce
♪ And how it condones slavery and killing gays
♪ Because those parts don't count, of course
♪ Let's cherry-pick the part about losing my cherry
♪ And mine it for ambiguities and omissions
♪ To circumvent any real sacrifice
♪ But still feel pious in my arbitrary parroted positions
♪ And don't you dare question my convictions
♪ And don't look closely at the contradictions
♪ Just focus on the sacrificial crucifixion
♪ And have faith in its complete jurisdiction
♪ As the only way to measure if you're good or not
♪ And in a debate, just say to "have faith"
♪ Because when you're up against logic it's the only card you've got
♪ So close your eyes take a deep breath
-♪ And fuck me in the ass 'cause I love Jesus -♪ Jesus
♪ The good Lord would want it that way
♪ Give me that sweet sensation of an irrational rationalization
♪ It's just between you and me
♪ 'Cause everyone knows it's the sex
♪ That God can't see
♪ Yeah, my chastity belt has locks
♪ But sometimes you need to think outside the box ♪
-Thank you. -Thank you.
I wonder...
-What? -Do you want to try the Rainbow?
-We've never played it live. -We've never done this song live, ever.
-Um... -We only have one more on the list, but...
-Do you want to try it? -Uh-huh.
I was supposed to go to our friend's wedding tomorrow,
and I'm not gonna make it 'cause of the storm.
Oh, yeah, you were gonna play this song.
Yeah, I was gonna play this at our friend Tig's wedding,
and, uh, I am not gonna get there in time, so...
-I've been practicing it. -So this is for Tig.
This one's for Tig and Stephanie. I mean...
This might be totally cut 'cause I don't know if I know this,
-but let's find out. -Yeah.
We've never done this live,
and we've never sung it together.
No.
We only recorded it, and separately.
-Okay, here we go. -Here it goes.
This one's for Tig and Stephanie.
♪ Just after the storm breaks
♪ With the perfect amount of light
♪ You can catch a glimpse of magic
♪ If the timing is right
♪ Rainbows are improbable beautiful and rare
♪ But so are you and so is this the love that we share
♪ Too vast to hold and too small to name
♪ It's no wonder why
♪ You have to stand between the rain and the sun
♪ To see a rainbow in the sky
♪ All the things that had to go right
♪ All the things that had to go wrong
♪ That lead us to the place where we were going all along
♪ Right now, they fall away
♪ Right now, it's just us two
♪ Right now, we make a promise
-I just want to cry. -I know.
It's our own song, you can't cry.
♪ If you do then I do, too
♪ Don't know how we found it but we did somehow
♪ All the moments of our lives
♪ Were leading up to now
♪ I used to feel uncertain but now I realize
♪ When I wanna see my future I just look into your eyes
♪ Too vast to hold and too small to name
♪ It's no wonder why
♪ You have to stand between the rain and the sun
♪ To see a rainbow in the sky
♪ All the things that make you you
♪ All the things that make me me
♪ That lead us to the place where we were always meant to be
♪ Right now they fall away
♪ Right now it's just us two
♪ Right now we make a promise
♪ If you do then I do, too ♪
Wow!
We did it!
That's crazy.
I don't think we've ever done a sincere song at a show ever.
-No. -That was a first.
You guys, it's getting really close.
We really need your help. We've got one more song.
We are really close to getting our special,
and we can't thank you enough. This is really exciting.
So, in this last song,
we play the same woman two years apart singing about love.
-In this song, I'm 29. -And I'm 31.
And this song is called...
29/31.
♪ For the first time in my life I see it clearly
♪ I realize the power of being a woman
♪ I'm 29 years old and time's on my side
♪ I'm in my prime I've hit my stride
♪ I got so much charisma and so many options
♪ It's nice to always have my pick
♪ There's nobody left I'm all alone!
♪ I'm at the top of my game possibilities are endless
♪ And I just feel really pretty
♪ I'm holding out for someone who meets my standards
♪ Won't settle for anything less than perfect
♪ I know what I want and I can have it
♪ I'm surrounded by love and peace
♪ There's nobody left I'm all alone!
♪ Why did I wait what's wrong with me?
♪ In two short years I'm gonna be 33
♪ Who the hell will want me then? My ovaries are shrinking
♪ I'm disgusting and everyone feels bad for me
♪ And I never get invited to dinner parties anymore
♪ Things unfold when they're supposed to
♪ 'Cause everything happens for a reason
♪ It'll happen for me when I'm not even looking
♪ He'll just appear and I'll just know
♪ And he'll love me forever without any work
♪ Who needs to try when things are meant to be?
-♪ There's nobody left! -♪ I'm a catch just look at me
-♪ I'm all alone -♪ I'm smart and hot and have lots of interests
-You're such an idiot -♪ The man of my dreams is definitely out there
You think you're so special because people tell you that now,
but that will stop and be replaced with looks of pity!
♪ To make my life complete
♪ The world is a buffet of love
-♪ La, la, la, la -Oh, what, you think biological reality
doesn't apply to you?
And your adorable cocoon of agelessness?
Well, it does!
While you're just waiting around and focusing on you, guess what?
You're gonna miss your window!
♪ Everything happens for a reason
♪ You know I truly believe that
♪ Yeah, you said that before
♪ Oh, my God, it does, though
♪ Everything happens for a reason
♪ What about the Haitian earthquake or cellulite on skinny women?
♪ Just say hey, universe, I'm ready
♪ It'll happen when you least expect it
♪ Well, I don't expect it at all now
♪ So I guess it's right around the corner
♪ Maybe you're putting out the wrong vibe
♪ Maybe you're closed off to love
♪ Let me tell you a secret, it's called the secret
♪ Here's another secret you're an asshole
♪ Your negativity is a self-fulfilling prophecy
♪ The reason things go well for me is 'cause of positivity
♪ Well, I'm positive fertility always begins to atrophy
♪ When infantile fantasy eclipses true reality
♪ It never occurred to me that things won't work out perfectly
♪ When God closes a door you see, he opens a window
You realize that's a smaller opening, right?
You used to be able to walk out a door,
and now you climb out some slightly ajar window somewhere.
Possibly falling, like, eight stories to your death.
That is not an upgrade.
And, you know, what's else?
-♪ There's nobody left! -♪ Seven billion people on the planet
-♪ I'm all alone! -♪ My options will never ever run out
♪ I'm so happy aren't you happy?
♪ I'm so happy you can't love someone else until you love yourself
♪ You can't love someone else till you love yourself
♪ 'Cause life is
-♪ Good ♪ -♪ Over ♪
Thank you, guys.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Yeah!
I can't believe we're actually gonna get to make our special!
I know! What do you think it'll be like? Should we use a split screen?
Well, I don't know. Yeah, that would be great.
Hey, rad show, ladies.
-Thanks. -Oh, thank you.
Uh, so I'm here to get the thermometer
and the rest of the money you owe me.
Oh, I thought we already paid you.
No, the mercury wasn't included.
I'm actually surprised you guys wanted to use mercury.
We usually just fill that thing with paper.
-Oh. -Oh. Okay.
Well, how much do we owe you?
Well, what did you make doing the show?
Oh, my God! You owe me exactly what you made on your show.
What a coincidence.
I can't believe we're not gonna be able to make our special.
I know.
I really wanted one of those.
Me, too.
I guess we could try to make it for really cheap.
Or we could just get married and have kids.
That's funny.
We should write a song about that.
♪ You didn't do it didn't reach your goal
♪ Your heart is broken you're an asshole
♪ In the end you didn't have what it takes
♪ So here's to you and your huge mistakes
♪ You're humiliated hollowed out and exhausted
♪ You were in the ring fighting the fight and you lost it
♪ This isn't your time this wasn't for you
♪ At least you did everything you could do
♪ You're a loser but a dreamer
♪ You're tired but you're strong
♪ You're going on no evidence
♪ You don't listen to common sense
♪ You went all in and you were wrong
♪ You are such a loser good for you
♪ It's something that a lot of people can't do
♪ Trying is hard that's why people don't do it
♪ Losing is hard they can't make it through it
♪ But not you
♪ You are such a loser
♪ Here's to you
♪ 'Cause you deserve a cheering section, too ♪
Sync by explosiveskull www.addic7ed.com