OK,
it's this... it's quite hard to say,
basically, it seems like nobody wants the Trace.
Even my cousin don't fancy me no more, look at him.
A couple of months ago, Boy Tracy couldn't be left in a room with me
without taking his clothes off. Now he just goes on, and on,
and on about all the girls he's banged, and how I'm his goon,
I'm his boy, I'm his cousin. What went wrong?
I've had two boyfriends. Nice boys,
but both one day decided, no, no, don't want the Trace.
Look, in my defence, Ronald, he wanted a penis,
even Beyonce couldn't give him that.
As for Connor, bless him,
it's going to take him such a long time to get over me.
Look, last week,
I saw him kissing what looks like a hyena crossbred with a goat.
And he is going to keep doing that, until I...
Well, well, well.
Connor!
Emma, I want you to meet Tracey, my best friend.
- And your... ? - Ex, yeah.
Tracey, you're...
- Tracey! - Hello!
Yes, of course. Yes...
- Hi! - OK, um, well, er...
I'll just, um...
She's all right, isn't she?
- She's like a little... - Hyena?
- What? - What?
Like I've said, Trace, I smashed 100 girls out there.
- See, I'm special. - Uncle Roy!
Yes. I've come to help your mother with the night vigil,
since you and Cynthia have abandoned her.
Oh, thank you, Uncle, so much.
Tracey, you are growing fat.
Oh, Uncle! Thank you!
Thank you, you too.
I hate this man, I hate this man so much.
Brother, we have over 25 in attendance for night vigil!
- Hallelujah! - Uncle Roy and Mum,
it's like sugar-free jam and fake ketchup.
They're not great by themselves anyway,
but you mix that together, yeah,
it's a whole 'nother level of disgusting.
Yeah.
Duck face and deuces.
Uh...
Boy Tracy, will you evangelise with your auntie,
or follow this wayward girl into chaos and destruction?
Neither. I've got a lady waiting.
Hm! Womaniser. You're your father's son.
Of course.
But what happened to this one?
Brother, I tell her every day,
live your life exactly as I...
And I'll be just like you!
But I want to be Rihanna.
Nobody ever fancied me in school,
nobody ever fancied me on the estate.
I mean, am I...
No! No! No way!
You're...
- You're niche. - Very niche.
- Like K-pop. - K-pop?
OK, Karly, well, the men I've spoken to do not say K-pop,
they say I'm very sweet!
What do you say to these guys?
Well...
Hi, I just want to say that, you're, like,
the buffest guy ever, you know? You remind me of this guy
in the Freemans catalogue that I used to fancy when I was littler...
- What?! No way! - Tracey, no! No way, Trace!
Tracey, you can't just go up to a guy and expose yourself like that.
- Who does that? - You've got to wait for them to approach you.
- She'll be waiting a long time, though. - Real talk.
- Mm. - Mm.
I feel like you just insulted me,
and then you lot agreed with the insult.
Oh, my God, I'm ugly!
No, no, no, you are beautiful.
In, um...
- In a Whoopi Goldberg kind of... - Her face!
- Clothes. - Colour Purple.
Mm.
They're looking for Rita Ora.
Germans would love you.
They like those sort of clothes.
Or, you could borrow my clothes.
No, thanks! Germans, Karly?
So just, just go get myself to Germany?
I can hardly afford to get myself earrings!
So what you're saying, go there,
or Connor will be the last boyfriend I ever have?
- Mm. - Mm.
Oh, God.
Oh, my...
Jesus, high! Satan, low.
Jesus, higher up...
Satan, lower down, in the basement.
Hi, I'm Louise, I'm from...
Shut up and make a joyful noise!
Shut up your mouth and praise the Lord!
The Bible says shout in praise, my sister!
Night vigil, tonight, 9pm.
Er, I'm from the council?
Oh, my dear, why didn't you say?
Can I have a word?
OK.
Oh, my God! Tracy, I cannot believe I've got to tell you this again!
I'm not interested, OK? Stop wanting me sexually,
- stop pining for me, I'm not... - My dad told me to wait up here.
There's a woman that's come from the council, so...
- Yes, right. - She's wearing a suit!
My dad don't trust women that wear suits,
- so I'm really not trying to... - Yeah, yeah, no, I know.
I know.
Yes, it's a small church, but growing.
I'm occasionally recognised in Asda, and other department stores.
But I want to remain humble, so my entourage will come later.
How do you specifically like your tea?
None for me, thank you.
But it's English breakfast, like in Downton!
Means nothing to me, I'm Scottish.
What's the difference?
- Look, Pastor Joy... - Of sorts.
- Excuse me? - Well, if we are talking technicalisms,
I'm not officially a pastor yet.
In one way, that sums up my being here,
and why I'm coming to the night vigil.
- I don't understand. - The council has rules.
- Your church does not comply with them. - Jesu Christo!
I didn't know such rules applied to the Kingdom Of God!
Even to the Kingdom Of God.
We welcome multi-faith worship...
- Worship, that's what we do. - Multi-faith...
My dear, this is nonsense. Just come to the night vigil.
Your husband and children are welcome.
I don't have a husband, thank you very much.
You're not married?
- Oh, no children? - I know,
I've managed to maintain a successful career,
an amazing body and a sound mind,
without the assistance of a man. Wow. Unbelievable.
I'll be off, now.
But no children...
And the body clock is ticking.
Does this means I'm not to have my free will and individuality
destroyed by a toothless, crying blob? Soul-destroying news.
I'll be listening tonight, closely.
Do you think girls like stimulation via the clitoris,
or the vagina itself?
Are all girls different?
I... I wouldn't know, Trace.
I mean,
are you sure that you're OK in here?
Cos, you know, last time you was in my bedroom,
you were trying to have sex with me?
So, how much could your feelings have changed, you know?
Drastically. Do you wish they hadn't?
No... No.
I'm just saying, that if you had sexual feelings towards me,
I wouldn't mind, because you would be the only one that did...
I'm feeling a little bit,
I don't know, funny about my...
I'm feeling...
Yes! We're in!
- What? - Nothing.
Do you want to go to a party tonight? Come on.
Zzz-pow!
Like we used to.
Me, you.
Traceys embarking on an adventure!
It's at this leisure centre...
No, more like a spa club sort of place.
They do different nights.
- Shamone! - Mm.
Zzz-pow! Zzz-pow! Zzz-pow!
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! Jackpot, jackpot!
Go, go, go!
We'll get ready at Candice's, yeah?
Why?
Shut up! Can I wear your perfume, too?
Yeah, of course you can. I like your clothes...
17, 18, 19, 20, 21.
What? Gets the pecs popping.
You're so vain.
So you get to spend half an hour doing each side of your face,
but I can't do some push-ups?
Thanks, Candice.
Is it Rita Ora enough, yeah?
Yeah. Better, babe, better.
You lying?
OK, I love you...
All this boy cares about is his body.
And you. Come and let me teach you.
What're you trying to say?
If you've got something to say about my body,
- just be a man and say it, innit? - I adore every inch of you.
I wish you'd show a bit more of it tonight, though.
Where's that little crop top?
You've given all your clothes to Whoopi over here.
Well, the way you're wearing them jeans,
- it's like I gave all my clothes to you. - Ooh!
You know I get turned on when you embarrass me!
Adventure time!
Why's everyone wearing pyjamas?
What sort of weird party is this?
Names?
- _ - Names?
Yes, one moment please, sir.
Guys, can we group? Can we group?
- What's the dress code in here? - Come on, Candice!
We've gone to the wrong club, OK?
This is some sort of Heavy-R party. This is not...
Surprise!
Tracy, you said leisure centre.
Do you understand what these people are doing in here?
They are having sex!
- Are you having a laugh? - No, but I thought this might be!
How, for who? You can't even swim!
Tracy, I'm trying to live a normal life,
why did you feel this was appropriate to do to me?
Men can't go alone, it's against the rules.
- No, he's having a fucking laugh! - Aaron, fall back, man!
- You didn't know about this, did you? - No!
Oh, my God, this is fucking... this is nasty!
- It's disgusting, mate. - I didn't think we'd pass the photo test,
but then we did, I got carried away.
What photo test are you talking about?!
The selfie we took. That's kind of why I took it.
Are...
Are you telling me that I got into this club
- because of what I look like? - Yeah.
I mean... I...
I don't have a bikini.
I bought you one.
Did you hear that, Candice?
Whoops. I thought the Trace wasn't on trend.
Turns out, I got into porno palace cos of all of this!
Yes, yes!
Rita Ora better catch the next train to Germany,
because the Whoopi Goldberg train is...
Is what?
Don't know.
Excuse me!
I'm so sorry, I'm one of the buff people,
buff person coming through. Tracey.
Wait, wait, wait.
No way, man, I've got my limits.
Aaron, calm yourself, man.
We ain't signed up, anyway.
Your face and his arms can walk right in.
Er... No, thanks, mate.
So, what, we're just supposed to leave Tracey by herself, yeah?
Move out the way.
Fucking hell.
Thank you for gathering at Church of Joy Ministries.
My ministry.
God has anointed me to lead you all,
and well done, you have heard,
and will follow me to heaven.
While those less fortunate, with wax in their big ears,
will go to hell!
And they will burn.
Their faces will fall off, and...
And don't forget to tell your white and Indian friends
to come and worship!
As we are pioneers of diversity.
You told me this was Alcoholics Anonymous!
- I did not. - You definitely said this was AA.
Yes, Alpha Almighty.
- God. - Fucking liar.
God bless you!
Do return again soon!
With your Punjabi friends!
Right, this is mad!
Ah! She has a bra on, and yet no bra!
Disgusting! Go over there.
No-one's going to talk to me if they think I'm with you, and that!
Tuck it in!
Tuck it, press it, clamp it, whatever.
Don't be offensive!
See you, Tracey.
Ah! Yes, mistress! Don't think I won't hurt you.
Harder.
You can do this. You can do this.
Hi, hi, hi, yeah. I'm Tracey, what's your name? OK.
Yeah, no, I came with my cousin, yeah.
I'm a virgin. I'm still a virgin.
I'm a virgin. Yeah.
I'm a virgin. I'm actually...
Yeah, just waiting for the right person.
Maybe it's... Could be you!
Yeah. Oh, thank you.
You like them? Thank you so much.
Your penis is amazing. It's really sublime.
Cool? Yeah, yeah.
Hard enough? Is that hard enough!
Oh, shit.
It's actually all right here, isn't it?
That is quite hot.
Yeah, let's whip this off, shall we?
- No, don't. I think I'm getting a cold. - What?
- Hey. - Hiya.
- You're so beautiful. - Oh, thanks.
No, back where you came from.
- My name's Penelope. - I'm Tracy. Boy Tracy.
- Who's the girl? - That's Tracey.
She's supposed to see me here with my penis and my power
- and see that I am her ultimate man! - I believe it.
I'm a raging bull.
I'm fire and air.
You are the ultimate raging bull,
fire, air, all the elements.
- Now, let's do what we came for. - Stop!
I've never ejaculated before.
- What? Tell me that's a joke. - It's certainly not. I can...
... for ages. But when I feel like I need to come, I just stop.
You're going to go away now, aren't you?
How can I make you relax?
I have this game that I play where I'm an ex-cop turned bad
because a government official shot my child and I'm seeking vengeance.
And girl Tracey plays the government official that killed Jacob,
my son, and I shoot her. Then, while she's unconscious,
she realises that she's in love with me, even though I'm...
Even though I'm a cop, even though I'm the bad...
Oh, my God!
Tracey, look, look!
Oh!
OK, my disciples,
who will give testimony today?
You are always talking.
- Brother Roy. - Hold on, one moment.
Let me just find the page.
Ah.
Jeremiah 23:16...
"Do not listen to the words of the prophets
who are prophesying to you.
They are leading you into futility.
They speak with a vision of their own imagination
and not from the mouth of the Lord."
Uh, OK. So, what God is saying here
is that the church/community hall
is for everyone.
Jesus/God loves everyone...
the same, apparently.
Even Buddhists, homosexuals...
graphic designers.
Turn to your life partner and say, "I love you."
I love you.
- Take it off. - No.
Do you want me to rip it off? Is that what you want?
- Sit down, Aaron. - Come on, Candice. I'm taking control here.
What do you want? Cos sometimes, like...
- What do you want? - Aaron, I've put on weight, OK?
So, you just thought you'd wear your coat for the rest of your life?
"You haven't put on weight, babe. It's all in your head."
- That's all you have to say. - Well, maybe you have.
Maybe you haven't. All I know is that you're gorgeous.
Yeah, in my face.
All the fat's gone to the wrong places.
You expect a body like Kim K
and instead you get Pat Butcher.
I'm Pat Butcher, man.
Oh, yes!
Hello? Connor?
Connor?
Connor?!
Connor, you are not bum calling me.
Do... Do not... ! Connor!
OK, fine, well if you can't hear me,
I'm going to tell you you're a prick.
You are a prick!
You're a good-for-nothing, no ambition, no deodorant, no nature,
and you're goddamn self has rubbed off on me
and now nobody will come near me because I'm damaged goods,
so thanks for that.
Thanks to you I can't even get used and abused in a sex club.
- Oh, yes! - _
I am worthy. There's just rules.
I can have sex with anyone. I can have sex with everyone.
I've just got to ask! This is great. This is... No, it's not.
No, no, no, wake up. What are you talking about?
What are you doing? This is gross. This is disgusting.
I'd be a prostitute doing charity work.
I've got to put a stop to this. This is...
I've got to put a stop to this!
Oh, yes! Oh!
I didn't want it before,
but now I need it! I'm so lonely!
Seeing this love, I want this, Joy.
- Amen! - Amen!
God will find you husband. You will find a husband.
- I will find husband. - Praise God!
- Repeat these words.
Jesus, I invite you to become Lord of my life,
to reign in my heart forever.
Jesus, I invite you to become the Lord of my life, to...
- To reign in my heart forever. - To reign in my heart forever.
To keep Joy Ministries open and running.
Oh, no, no, I'm shutting this down.
I mean, yeah, this thing is done.
Thank you!
Hey, hey, hey. Come here. Freemans catalogue.
- Want to have sex? - Course.
Yeah? Hey, hey, hey, hi.
Yeah, I think you're ugly and pathetic.
- Do you want to have sex? - Yeah, I'm up for that.
Excuse me, excuse me. Your mum, she's a dirty tramp.
- Do you want to have sex? - Yeah.
Yeah? You just want to have some sex, yeah?
Yeah. Fucking joke! Turn the music off!
I'm Tracey and I ain't having sex with anyone here, OK?
Cos for the first time in my life
all I've got to do is aim and click a finger
and I can have anybody I want, and I don't want to.
You don't see me, my charm, my personality,
how I look like Beyonce...
... from certain angles.
Look, you're beautiful people, OK?
I might want to bang some of you.
I just want to know who I'm banging!
Do you know what I mean? Sometimes, hey, hey, hey,
I feel ugly. Who feels like ugly too?
- Whoo! - Yeah. Yes, thank you.
- Yes. - I've gained a few pounds.
What?! Babes, shut up, it's in your head,
you look amazing. You look great.
Come on. Let it out, guys. Let it go.
Who feels unwanted?
- Yes! Yeah! Yes, you feel unwanted? - Yeah!
Yes, brother, yes, my sister.
Yes. I'm a virgin, stand with me!
Sometimes I get vaginal thrush. Who's with me? Thrush!
Who wants to have sex now?
I'm head over heels in love with a girl
that happens to be my cousin.
Shut up.
Right, sex ain't the only thing that makes us feel good.
So let's go out on a different kind of bang, then.
Yeah, party dildo! Right! Go on! Go, go, go!
I used to think my life was a bit crappy because nobody wanted me,
but now I realise it could be worse.
- Everybody could want me. - Oh, no,
- I feel like... - Oh, yeah?
- I feel like I'm going to... - Come?
Come! We've got to get you to the end of the rainbow.
No, I'm scared. It's so hot!
I need the cold. I need to...
I've got to get out. Let me out!
Give it back! I'm scared! I'm going to come!
- Out of my way! - Tracy!
- I'm going to go.
- ut of my way! - Tracy!
Tracy! What are you doing? You can't swim!
Tracey, I'm really scared. Something's happening.
- What's wrong with you?! - Something's happening.
What's happening? What's wrong?!
- Is that my come? - Yep.
Hi, Mummy, everything is fine, I'm being good, I actually am.
I know you are lying, but it's OK.
Mummy, are you OK?
I told you to do like me. I was wrong.
If you do like me,
you may reach the end of your days with nothing.
Anyway, my dear,
see you whenever you are home.
Uh...
Hm.
I think I need a bit more time away from you.
Oh, yeah, definitely, yeah.
Yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely.
- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -