Synced and corrected by Aaronnmb www.addic7ed.com
Previously on "Cassandra French's Finishing School"...
Let me out!
At some point, you might want to at least consider opening up in here.
You're an interesting woman, you must doing interesting things.
Travel, friends, men?
You're gonna end up like your dad
or half the other people on this shitty fuckin' planet
either way ending up alone.
This guy's into nitrous.
24% of all sexual injuries occur from pharmaceutical abuse.
Okay. I thought there'd be, like, instructions or something,
but whatever.
You are a bad person.
Boop.
That was halothane, not laughing gas.
Also, I brought muffins.
♪ ♪
Hmm.
♪ I've been lookin' at the way you lied to me ♪
Lexi! Wait! It's not what you think!
It's a dude in a basement!
- Come on, it's fine! - (car door opens and closes)
[Tires screech]
Well, shit!
She'll stand there like a flamingo for 10 minutes and be fine.
If you're wrong, we are really fuckin' screwed.
This muffin is terrible.
♪ All the things that I've done ♪
♪ Oh, how you'd run if you knew a single one ♪
♪ Of all of the things that I've done ♪
She's not at home. She's not in the studio.
I mean, I've checked every juice bar and, like,
bullshit raw food place in town.
Krishna Temple Vegan Buffet?
No meat, no Lexi.
Dude, they haven't seen her.
I mean, she hasn't updated a thing.
No tweets, no Instagram stretchies.
Geez, I mean, you'd think, like, after a couple of days,
she'd be over some tied-up dude.
Dude, when I killed that moth,
she didn't talk to me for like two weeks.
Yeah, but that's one of God's creatures.
- I mean, this is just Owen. - Yeah, I don't know.
I mean, we've had him down there for, what, a week?
And we don't have very much to show for it.
I don't know. Maybe we're not doing the right thing.
It's early. Fish didn't learn to walk day one.
Plus, I'm getting a ton of DMs from his peeps
bitching about him not answering texts.
We really need a phone.
Grab a burner at 7-Eleven.
Uh, dude, have you ever watched "The Wire"?
Cops can track that shit.
Plus, it'll have to go to his old number or the text won't play.
Okay. I might know a guy.
Listen, I'll check more Lexi hangouts.
You just, uh, text me if she calls, okay?
- Okay. - Okay!
Okay.
Who wants to check out some more juice bars?
♪ ♪
Hey.
So I made you a grilled Gruyère
with lingonberry jelly from IKEA...
because that's my jam.
Do you get it, because jelly is jam?
No, I understood.
- Cool. - It's hilarious.
Are we good?
- Are we good? - Considering the situation.
Sure, Cassandra. We're good.
Okay. All right.
Cool.
Yeah, it's just we said a lot of stuff the other night
when we were, uh,
and I'm not sure that we necessarily meant all of it.
- No, I meant it. - Right... in the moment...
- ... because it was heated. - I still mean it.
All right.
What do you want from me?
Got me back down here.
I'm not tryin' to escape.
I'm reading all of the assigned literature that Claire gave me.
And I got your assignment coming up next.
So is there a question?
'Cause I'll answer it. If there's a test, I'll take it.
I just wish you were happier.
[Scoffs]
Well, I'm so sorry to disappoint you.
But if there's nothing left on your list,
then I'm going to finish my reading
because I have been licking too hard...
or too light.
Both, apparently.
[Cellphone vibrates]
_
♪ ♪
Oh! Did you know where Elijah Foster's trailer is?
Thank you.
Elijah?
It's Cassandra. I just wanted to thank you...
- for the gift basket. - Oh.
This trailer is ridiculous.
Um, yeah. It's kind of amazing.
If Elijah wanted a coffin,
we would have set him up with a Twilight reboot.
We have to get him some more space.
You've met Ken Hall, our illustrious leader and founder.
Uh, yeah, I have many times.
Right on, man.
Nice to meet you.
Ken was just telling me how pleased he is
with the bump in Elijah's social media profile.
Gonna climb that mountain,
grab that flag,
wave it hard.
[Laughs]
Oh, and Ken just had a brilliant idea.
We set Elijah up with a social media star,
a sexual slingshot, so to speak.
So any ideas?
Someone to set Elijah up with to have sex?
Well, actual penetration is optional.
Uh, just a tweet here, a photo there.
You know, Katie Holmes the situation.
[Cellphone beeps]
- [Sighs] God damn it. - _
Yeah, baby. God damn it all.
No, I wasn't talking about the...
[Gasps]
Oh, my God.
[Moaning passionately]
Cool.
Cool, uh, yeah, that was... that was good.
I don't have another appointment for an hour.
Uh, no, no, it's cool. We both came so it's... it's great.
Come on.
You pay for these sessions.
Least I could do is give you a little therapy.
Something's up.
Uh, my friend Lexi, she's, uh, pissed at me.
- Why is that? - [Chuckles]
We do not have time for that.
- There's a lot on my plate right now. - Well, I'm here to listen,
if not as your therapist then as something more.
Uh, yeah, um,
we're having fun, right?
And w-we, you know, I... you like what I got goin' on.
I... I like what you're got goin' on.
So let's, like, not Nicholas Sparks this shit.
[Chuckles] Okay?
[Smooches]
- Just know I'm here to talk. - Great, yeah, thanks.
Professionally or otherwise.
See you next week. Okay.
Cassandra, I love the surprise.
So if I seem a bit drained, we shot a really intense scene.
Bradley's gone under cover, but we him for figured a cop.
And while on the surface, I have to hold his head in a tub of water,
the subtext is all,
you know, broken homes and this cycle of poverty and...
Oh, sorry, I'm sweating all over you.
- It's a bit tight in here. - No, it's okay.
Cassandra was just going to give us some names
of influential Internet women to set you up.
Oh. Was she now?
Seems a bit disingenuous.
It's actually a pretty common practice.
Oh, no, no, no.
All great Hollywood romances were first P.R. campaigns.
Tracy and Hepburn, Bogart and Bacall,
Brad and Angelina... before that all went to shit.
Brangelina's a setup?
Yeah. Two of the kids are just cardboard cutouts.
Well, you know, I understand we have to lie a little bit.
But I'm not really into going out with a woman I don't fancy.
No, no, no. Of course not.
Cassandra, you know Elijah relatively well.
You must know what he likes.
Yeah, Cassandra,
you must know what I like.
Uh,
I think that you would
be interested in someone who obviously respects your talent...
Mm.
... someone have you can a conversation with,
spar with, someone who won't back down.
Well, yeah. It doesn't hurt if she's beautiful.
Dark blonde,
brilliant eyes to match her brilliant mind,
a smile that lights up the room.
So there must be thousands of girls like that. Cassie, go!
Oh, okay! Uh, so, obviously,
you need someone with a large following,
unattached, willing to pimp out their brand, uh,
- Gia Lauren... - Ugh.
Mika 5, uh, Kaylee,
uh, but I don't know if she's free.
Oh, the Snapchat girl!
Who does all the flipping!
Yes! Wha... wha... what do you call that?
- A cheerlebrity. - Yeah.
Well, that's fun.
You know, she does a backbend,
you do a backbend.
America, oh, start your engines.
- Uh, yeah, she... she's kinda vapid. - Oh, no, no.
I know her manager. We both got maitre d's fired from Elise.
Oh, the two of you will look fantastic together.
I will make a call!
Too bad you're not a social media star.
Otherwise, this whole thing would be a lot easier, wouldn't it?
The perfect pair.
I mean, pizza,
you know, bagel.
Pizza-bagel.
[Chuckles]
Mnh.
[Cellphone vibrates]
_
- The appointment went well? - Yeah, fine.
Can we swing by La Brea? I got a thing at 5:00.
[Deep voice] All right, Ms. Daisy.
I swear to God, sometimes I think you're having a stroke.
[Normal voice] So what do you talk about in therapy?
Uh, I don't know. I just, like, talk about my feelings and shit.
So she's somebody that you feel like you can...
be completely honest with?
Uh, no. Fuck, no. That's horrifying.
It's just probably, like, the same as yours.
Oh, we didn't have therapy in Juarez.
Our therapy was hoping for the kidnappings to stop
and then rejoicing when the kidnappings stopped.
You're such a downer.
Um, okay.
I, uh, I talk about my life and my family and...
and, uh, fights I'm having with my friends.
Why are you fighting with your friends?
- They's your friends. - Oh, no.
Not fights, like,
disagreements.
And I... I guess that brings up emotions
and I have to see a therapist to help me get through it.
I assume by pointing out that many of these disagreements
might arise from childhood trauma
about making emotional connections.
And the only way forward is to face your fears and
stop avoiding what really scares you the most...
intimacy.
1991,
"What About Bob?"
Bill Murray, Richard Dreyfuss, classic.
[Chuckles]
Hey, girly girl.
- Untraceable bear till 2:18. - Ooh!
I had the SIM reprogrammed to Owen's number
and we can GeoTap any picture from any location.
We could literally seem like we're texting from the inside
of a penguin's ass at the South Pole, and we would be golden.
I told you I know a guy.
- How much did it cost? - Uh, $700.
American dollars?
Claire, I could get, like, an actual new iPhone for that.
And a really nice family plan and be cops on our asses.
Crime may not pay, but it costs.
You actually had like 700 bucks just on you?
Let's just say we owe some people some favors.
God damn it.
_
Lexi?
You in here?
God, I feel like Josh Groban's lurking in a corner with a piano.
This is some Santería shit, dude.
If you smell chicken blood, we run.
[Man chanting in native language]
This is the Mourner's Kaddish,
chanted in synagogues for the deceased for over 3,000 years.
Whoa, Lexi. That guy you saw, he was not dead.
The death that I refer to is the death of our friendship.
This represents the love that we shared.
Jonas Brothers.
Our first concert together.
The beginning of our friendship.
May it now mark the end.
Mm, yeah, that's not gonna work.
Okay, yep, it... it is.
Okay, listen, Lexi. I know...
you must think that we are awful people.
But that guy did some fucking terrible things.
So you chain him up like an animal?
It's been a process.
Okay, is this, like, a sex thing?
Why are you looking at me?
Listen, we're happy to tell you everything.
It's just gonna take some time.
You guys, it's not just the guy or the chains.
You guys kept this from me.
It's not exactly something you post on Snapchat.
Well, I went into the wilderness to ask myself
some very hard questions these past couple of days.
Really? You went camping?
Santa Barbara. They have a Four Seasons.
But I realized...
you guys don't like me.
What? Lexi,
that is so not true.
You can be annoying as fuck,
but we still love you.
Fine, okay. But you guys have to recognize
that you have your own thing going on, "The Cassie and Claire Show."
And here's Lexi over here on the corner like...
a plate of doughnuts that nobody wants.
What? God, no! Lexi, come on!
Everybody loves doughnuts.
I just would have thought that after everything
we've been through, you guys could trust me.
We do trust you.
Yeah. Yeah, we do.
And...
if you're ready to hear it,
we're ready to tell you everything.
Well,
then as the Hindus believe, there is no death,
only rebirth.
Mnh-mnh. This is not okay.
Okay, I'm not sure I made myself clear.
First, he live-streamed us having sex.
Yes, you told me, and that's awful.
But this... this is not the answer.
- Thank you! Right? - Hey, hey.
This does not concern you.
He's fine. He's gettin' a free education.
Yeah, it's like community college.
Without the weird old creepy dude
auditing the human sexualities class.
There's no light here. There's no sunlight for him.
There's no... there's no fresh air for him.
Um, we have lamps.
And we have a fan.
Guys.
Owen, lean over.
Come on, a little more.
Is that as far as you can go?
Without breaking my back, yeah.
Where is he at on his...
trunk rotation, his V-sit measurements?
- What? - One class, you guys.
One class is all I ever asked for you to take.
- Let me see your tongue. - Uhh. Ow.
See? Purplish tinge.
That means lack of circulation and emotional stagnation.
You guys are giving him no proper exercise.
His personal space is... is devoid of life,
his nutrition, abysmal,
and I can't imagine you're nourishing his soul.
- There is no soul nourishment. - Shh.
[Sighs]
You have to let him go.
- Yeah, you tell 'em. - Shh.
That's clearly not an option.
Look, Lexi, we thought we could trust you.
And trusting me is trusting that I know about these things.
Look you... you guys know what I've been through.
I spent the last three years building myself back up.
I rearranged my whole life
getting my mind and my body back in alignment.
I'm telling you, if you keep him like this,
you can't expect him to thrive, let alone learn...
that.
So fix it.
You... you'll just... you'll let him go?
No.
Just fix it.
Fix him.
I mean, clearly, we need to do something different.
So you should do your thing. Like, go full Lexi on him.
- Dude, what are you doing? - He needs movement,
personal Stretchology classes.
A better diet, you can control every single thing
this fucker puts in his mouth.
More spiritual...
... Nourishment.
Raise him up.
You fuck... Halle-fucking-lujah.
Oh, so it'll...
- so it'll be like an experiment. - Yes.
It will be exactly like an experiment.
I mean, look at him. Like, look at this guy.
He's the perfect before. He's got no muscle definition.
He's not...
- ... strong. - Ugh. He's so gross.
I'm sitting right here.
You don't even have to worry about him, like,
sneaking off to get pizza and beer with the guys
and, like, ruining all of your hard work.
We could control all the variables.
See if you can really help someone.
He is my chance. [Sighs]
- And we've got the school. - Yeah.
And so far, results have been...
- ... Kinda shitty. - ... less than stellar.
Maybe what we've been missing is another teacher.
- Do I get a business card? - Probably not. But, you know,
- that's totally up for discussion. - Okay.
- Do I get a say in this? - No.
[Sighs]
I'm gonna do it.
- Rise and shine. - What?
We're gonna get those circadian rhythms
in sync with Mother Nature.
I promise you will feel so much better.
I promise you I won't.
I promise you you will.
- Let's go. - Fine.
- Let's get this over with. - Mm-hmm.
Ugh.
Come on. Pilates circles.
- What the fuck is that? - Mm-hmm.
♪ ♪
♪ Oh, I can tell him to shove it ♪
♪ Yeah, I can tell him to shove it ♪
♪ Oh, I can tell him to shove it ♪
♪ But the devil don't have no ears ♪
Elijah.
Cassandra French, matchmaker to the stars.
Listen, I am so sorry about that setup.
It was not my idea. But, honestly, it'll probably work.
Wendy knows when she's doing. And Ken...
Oh, Ken. Ken. Ken's a genius.
No. I can't understand a word that guy's saying.
Thank God! I thought I was the only one!
So, um...
so you think I should do it?
I think you should go with your gut.
Yeah. Usually do. It's served me well.
That's good to know 'cause some people say gut,
but really they mean intuition, and it's a harder thing to quali...
So I've got a day off tomorrow.
Maybe we should, uh,
discuss it further?
Um...
yeah. I'll... I'll call Wendy.
Not Wendy, just us.
I'd like that.
[Clears throat]
[Camera shutter clicks]
- _ - Hmm.
Your followers are gonna be so impressed
with your new healthy lifestyle!
_
Take I-5 south toward
Los Angeles for 218 miles.
♪ You're bad news and I'm the war ♪
♪ But I won't make your headlines no more ♪
♪ You're bad news and I'm the war ♪
♪ But I won't settle any of your scores ♪
Next time on "Cassandra French's Finishing School"...
- I met someone. - Is this, like, a thing?
I think it's a thing.
- The Kaylee date is on. - Kaylee?
Oh, you must be Cassava, the new P.R. assistant girl!
- Cassava? - It's not worth it.
What are you looking at? What are you doin'?
What? I'm not allowed to look at her?
- Ditch the suit. - Down to what?
Down to the studs, stud.
He kissed me. I'm sure he's not in his right mind.
And how could he possibly be because...
- Cassandra Nicole French! - Whoa.
Synced and corrected by Aaronnmb www.addic7ed.com