I'm Carter Hawkins.
The topic -- Presidential Campaign.
Supervillain Killface versus billionaire tycoon Xander Crews.
Joining me, news lady Grace Ryan and suspiciously handsome
political commentator Harper Ellis.
Grace, Harper, welcome to "The Hawk."
- Thanks Hawk. - Thank you.
Democratic nominee Killface, Harper?
You got to love this guy.
Cured global warming, rescued Baby Lamont,
has hip-hop megastar Taqu'il on the ticket.
Republican nominee billionaire tycoon Xander Crews,
Grace Ryan.
Well, he's just fantastic.
He has no experience whatsoever.
He's also a billionaire.
Richest candidate always wins.
Harper?
Unfortunately, that's often the case,
but with global warming --
Jump science-- Mr. Ford via satellite.
American voters -- what do they want?
Really, all America wants is cold beer,
warm [bleep] and someplace to take a [bleep]
With a door on it.
Up next --
I mean you don't want the dog looking at you.
Immigration --
why not have a massive pedestrian overpass to Canada?
Man, I was gonna do a pedestrian overpass to Canada.
I was gonna call it "The Spic Span."
And I think it's a fantastic idea.
See, Stan, you get me.
A good quality in a running mate.
I am glad you brought that up,
'cause I need somebody who gets me, and also somebody
who's a fighter, Stan -- just a tenacious smashing bastard.
Yep.
He may be a little older, may be a little balder,
but he's still the only player in NFL history
to get two safeties in a single game.
I am sorry?
Yes, Stan -- two-time pro bowler Fred Dryer.
STAN: You mean TV's Hunter?
[ Gasps] He was Hunter?
Oh, my god!
Ashley!
I have a new secretary, 'cause turns out Simone died.
[engine runs]
[ Beeping ]
I been 1 Ashley!
ASHLEY: I had to chase after him.
XANDER: Ashley!
ASHLEY: Uhm, Uhm yeah?
Get me Fred Dryer on the phone.
Like, the guy from "Hunter"?
How does everybody know this?
Yes!
Is this just like common knowledge?
Also, get me every episode of "Hunter."
Like, on DVD?
Format doesn't matter!
But if it's any other format,
I'm gonna need the machine that plays it.
ASHLEY: Okay.
Just give me two of every machine that ever played video,
ASHLEY: Got it.
And then the "Hunter."
ASHLEY: Got it.
And then format won't matter.
Well should I call him fir-
[ beep ] TV's Hunter!
God, it's like finding out Jesus knew karate.
Imagine that, Stan -- karate Jesus.
Can I at least be campaign manager?
Yeah, if Fred Dryer says it's okay.
J" Dee Dee McCall J"
Okay, so, go get me a prosthetic ear.
Also, go get me a campaign jet.
Wouldn't you rather have a bus?
A bus?
Stan, I'm the Republican candidate for President,
not the old black lady that comes to clean your house,
whatever those are called.
KILLFACE: Wendell, you've outdone yourself.
Well, now I know how Diego Rivera must have felt--
It's a brillant bus--
-- when he was banging Frida Kahlo. Tea bagging the unibrow.
I just... can't believe it was $9,000.
Well, there's hidden fees, you know.
Title transfer, plus having the tags.
[ Clanking ]
I thought it would have cost more.
Oh, well, then, never mind my excuse.
Wait, is that blood down there?
No, I...think that is hydraulic fluid.
Well, even so, it's a steal at twice the price.
So, if there's a few bucks left over,
you know, go get something nice.
Yeah, hey, I'd like a $9,000 prostitute, please.
Oh. Do you have nine $1,000 ones?
Yeah? Good.
And if you got an albino, send her up, too.
And in 20 minutes, I'm gonna be asleep, so get them up here.
I had, like, half a bottle of melatonin, six beers,
this whole [bleep] bucket of chicken.
Oh, the Sandman is coming.
KILLFACE: Oh, and it's got a little micro --
oh, my god, that's full size.
It's the same model that's in your house.
That's 300 watts.
'Cause you already got it dialed in for the vegeritos.
Oh, I love them.
Wendell, this is the greatest campaign vehicle in the history
of the ..
[rumbling]
Son of a whore!
Papa bear, get down!
Hmm?
Wendell, would you get off me?
WENDELL: I got to shield you from the bullets.
KILLFACE: I don't think that was the assassin.
No, that wasn't me.
I'm more low-tech, high-concept, I guess -- Angel of Death.
Rahh! [ laughs ]
MAN: Okay.
KILLFACE: Oh, my god, did you see that?
Look, I was laying right there.
It could have crushed me.
God, first the tarantula, and now this.
First the tarantula and now this.
You know?
Maybe you should put the necklace back.
Ever think of that?
Don't you have any solid leads?
Well, just these.
I guess the assassin must have dropped them, which--
ASSASSIN: Damn it.
[sniffs] actually might just be a red herring.
You know --
Oh, lighten up.
I know, I know, but I just can't stay mad at him.
No, Wendell, that explosion was caused by someone far more...
crappier.
XANDER: Folks, welcome to Air Presidente.
That sonic boom was me blowing out the windows on my
opponent's bus,
just like I'm gonna blow him out in the election.
Ka-kow! Questions?
Who's first?
Grace Ryan.
No, you're not first.
Call on Darcell for me.
What?
Waiting on you.
That's pathetic.
Please don't do this.
Call on Darcell.
Do it.
[sighs]
Darcell Jones of Team Jaguar.
Yes, Darcell Jones of Team --
Wait, hang on, Darcell. I'm sorry.
You, Grace, do the roar.
What?
Roar like the Team Jaguar jaguar.
[sighs]
- Rar. - No!
Dammit, you're an apex predator.
- Rahr! - Yeah!
That's how she sounds when I'm banging her.
[ laughter]
XANDER: Whoa-hoe!
I know.
I just can't stay mad at him.
I'm gonna to have his babies.
MAN: Uh, is that --
Uh-huh.
MAN: Shouldn't that be in a freezer?
Sometimes I just like to hold them.
MAN: Fantastic.
KILLFACE: Emergency strategy meeting.
Everybody come in here and --
Oh.
Guess we're all here.
Well, first, we need more staff.
And now that the perfidious Xander Crews
is running against us, we must have an airplane.
An airplane?
God, please don't make me kill again.
- Hmm? - What?
We can't afford an airplane.
Well, maybe if you'd lay off the platinum-infused highballs.
Me? What about those idiotic t-shirts?
Okay, hope you got your jock on tight, because ta-da!
"Ming."
Ming, Ming -- what am I looking at?
Oh, sorry.
- Um... - "Kept us out of war...Ming."
Global warming.
Why is "Ming" on the front?
No, it's not --
There's a pocket there, Wendell.
Oh, yeah. Crap.
How much did that cost us?
No, no, no not that much
'cause they had a pretty decent price break there.
There where?
36...thousand.
Wendell!
And that pocket was free.
You know, you put your Zune in there.
You couldn't pour pee out of a boot
if the directions were on the heel.
Woman, they had pricing tiers.
Oh, go tell it to your albino whores.
I will not even dignify that with a response.
Yeah, please don't.
Can I say something?
Not if it's about that.
How about we try to beat Crews on the issues?
Like, did anybody read my
position paper on education reform?
Oh, yeah.
That thing's chock-full of. . . reform.
No, I didn't read it.
Look, we can win this election.
How, giving out free bus rides?
Well, who wants to ride in some Crappy,
old bus with no windows?
Me, me. Me.
Oh, you just like trips.
Oh, can you lay off the bird?
He's the only reason we've gotten this far.
Crews cannot touch us on global warming.
[mumbling]
No, it's not on backwards.
And you're forgetting his underlying weakness --
he's an idiot.
He is an idiot.
I forgot about that.
I mean, what's his position on education reform, vouchers?
Hotter teachers.
'Cause if the teachers are crazy smoking-ass hot,
kids will study more.
And plus we'll get them boob jobs.
Who, the teachers?
Yeah, or high-school chicks, too, if they want them.
Or whoever.
You know, big, fat-ass, double D's for everybody.
Well, that's certainly --
You could kind of use a set.
[ laughter]
Hang on, gonna swing around and blow out the windows
on Killface's house.
Well, if we can't afford an airplane,
why not just take away his?
And how do you propose we do that?
Well, I actually have some thoughts on that.
Pedestrian overpass to Canada.
This way, the Mexicans walk right over us --
[rumbling]
My god, a missile!
We've been hit.
Yeah! [ laughs ]
Ooh, nice shot!
Take that, you bum smacking Republican.
Dammit, I thought we were gonna campaign on the issues!
Oh, lighten up.
[mumbling]
No, you can have one cupcake.
XANDER: Thanks for coming out, everybody.
I got to jump out of this burning airplane.
You have a parachute?
Yeah, built into my tux.
Also recycles urine.
Take me with you.
Yeah, I can probably take one person.
Well, then, take me.
Ooh!
Ooh, what?
Well, Stan's campaign manager.
Ka-kow!
If you leave me to burn to death in this airplane,
we are just finished.
XANDER: Well, we'll always have Vegas.
That wasn't me!
Oh, right.
Okay.
You bastard!
God, still can't stay mad at him!
Ahhhhhhhh!
Uh. [clears throat]
Thank you for picking me.
Hey, don't get all "Sophie's Choice," man,
you know?
Think of all the sympathy coos I'm gonna get.
"Oh, where's your girlfriend?"
"Oh, she burned to death."
"Oh, my god, put your penis in my vagina."
I'm gonna be killing it, man.
Ugh!
[sighs]
You... you are like a bad penny.
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