Well.
-Home sweet home. -Yeah.
That's probably what you'll say when you get back home?
-Yeah. -Which you're anxious to get back to?
-Where's Maddie? -She's due tomorrow.
-We came back a day early. -Yeah, right.
It seems we were there longer than we were.
-I guess so. -Bermuda's overrated.
The triangle section probably would've been a lot more fun.
-You had a lousy time. -I had a wonderful time.
-Wonderful? -I'm sorry it wasn't wonderful for you.
-Don't put it on me. -Put what on you?
I'm putting the kind of time you had on you. You know if it was wonderful.
Why don't you do your hair?
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. What did you say?
-Nothing. -I spend a lot of time on my hair?
-More than you spend on yours? -Me? I don't even comb my hair.
Who are you kidding? Every single strand has its own stylist.
-Got a problem with my hair? -No. If you put time in, it pays off.
-I think I'm gonna go. -Let me get the door.
I'm looking for Victor Morrison. I was told he's here.
-I'm Victor. -Hi. This is for you.
-What is it? -A summons. You're being sued.
Service with a smile.
Hm.
VONDA SINGS: I've been down this road
Another One Bites the Dust
Walking the line That's painted by pride
And I have made mistakes in my life That ljust can 't hide
Oh, I believe I am ready For what love has to bring
I got myself together Now I'm ready to sing
I've been searching my soul tonight I know there's so much more to life
Now I know I can shine a light To fiind my way back home
Baby
-Sued for what? -I don't know. I showed him out.
If he calls, just tell him I'm in trial.
Good morning. Let's get started.
-How was your trip? -Fine.
-Ever leave the room? -What'd we say about sexist remarks?
-You seem tense. Are you tense? ALLY: No, Liza. I'm fine.
I know some relaxing techniques.
Actually, they're secrets.
Thank you, Liza, but. . .
. . .this is a staff meeting.
Not a forum to discuss our personal lives or problems.
Only yours.
We don't really know each other yet, do we?
I don't have a personal life.
-Poor Richard. -Well. . . .
-You want to watch me take a shower? -I--
-All right! That's just-- -Ally, Victor's in your office.
-Didn't you tell him I was in trial? -No. I forgot.
Should I go tell him that now?
-One simple instruction. -Bad vacation?
-Never mind. -How bad?
Just never mind.
-How do you like my hair? -Well--
A smile even.
What exactly did you do?
Baby, we had a lousy time in Bermuda.
And I just want to admit it and move on.
Okay.
-It sucked. -It was the worst.
-Why? -Not every couple's good at vacationing.
Maybe it was because it was our first time together. . .
. . .away without Maddie.
-Doesn't that make you worry about us? -Nope.
Do I have to get another lawyer on this?
No.
I'll do it.
What is this case even about?
Sheila Hunt owns an art gallery that sold some of my paintings.
She says I owed her more pieces than I did. It is not true.
You're an artist?
Yeah. I mean, it's a hobby.
So is there anything else that I need to know?
Well, the owner of the gallery is my ex-girlfriend.
Hm.
Ex-girlfriend.
Richard?
Richard, I don't want to pry, but are you all right?
-Sure. Why wouldn't I be? -Well, it's just that. . .
. . .over the last few days, you've been working.
It's not like you. Are you trying to occupy yourself?
Maybe a little.
I'm gonna tell you something about myself that not many people know.
When I was born, unlike other women, the Almighty gave me a little. . . .
A little dial.
-A dial? -A sexual dial.
Oh, gee.
It's a little bit like an internal barometer.
-It vibrates during arousal. -Well. . . .
Do you have a little dial that vibrates, Richard?
Well, on occasion, it's. . . .
I sense that right now your dial is vibrating for me.
Well. . . .
-Between us? -Of course.
-Liza. I want her. -Liza?
She's. . . .
(BELCHING]
She's horrible!
Sorry. She is horrible.
I can't help but think underneath that tough exterior, she's nasty.
She's more naughty, more cunning, more delicious than Ling. . .
. . .and Ling was amazing.
You're romanticizing cunning Ling, Richard.
But I'm right about Liza. She's an itty-bitty little sexual package.
And I want to just unwrap it.
Barry, I didn't think I'd see you so soon.
Look, I think you're a snake, okay?
I need a snake.
-What's the problem? -My girlfriend. My ex-girlfriend.
I sort of taped us. I thought it might be fun to watch.
-Cheese? Pickles? -No. I left out the accoutrements.
The problem is, she has a copy of the tape and is threatening. . .
. . .to show my coworkers if I don't pay her $25,000.
-And the tape shows. . .? -Just lovemaking and so forth.
I make funny sounds I wasn't aware of at the time.
I'm a vice president. This could really hurt me.
Could you help?
These are pictures of naked women.
-They're abstract nudes. -Uh-huh.
So you paint naked women?
Yeah.
These women just come here, and they take their clothes off for you?
Well, Ally, they're models.
So how come you never told me that you were a painter?
I don't know. I guess it never came up.
Never came up? We spent five days alone together.
Big chunks of it, we invented conversation.
I have a hard time believing you didn't just say, "I paint. "
Think I mind you staring at naked women with perfect bodies?
I don't.
-That's not it. -Do they?
-What? -Do the naked women come on to you?
-Come on. No. -I think it's weird you never told me.
I don't think it's weird to think it's weird. Ask the naked women.
Do they even know that I exist?
You know, there is a reason why I never told you I painted.
For your birthday, I've been doing an abstract painting of you.
Oh. Oh.
Well, I mean, well. . . .
I just-- Can I see it?
-Before your birthday? -Yes.
Okay.
-That's it? -Go ahead.
Okay.
-It's beautiful. -Do you like it?
Do I like it? I love it. It's. . . .
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. There's my eye, and. . .
. . .this is my arm.
-That's my foot. -Yeah.
-What's this? -Well, that's a buttock.
And the other one's over here.
And what is this on it? These little lines?
(BRAKES SCREECHING]
-You gave me cellulite! -No, it's just texture.
-Texture? No. Cellulite is not texture. -Look, it's--
No. Look, I do not have cottage cheese.
-Ally? -You blemished me.
Cellulite gives an ass character.
My ass has plenty of character. What it doesn't have is this:
You're a little early. Otherwise, just perfect timing.
-Maddie called. -Anything else?
Three messages from Victor. He loves your ass.
So do l.
-Hetero? -I don't know. She's cute.
Yes, she is.
I set up a deposition with the gallery.
-Today? -You said ASAP.
-I barely read the complaint. What? -From Victor.
-Also in appreciation of your ass. -Need him for the depo?
-Lovely. -Yes, he needs to be here.
I would like him to come-- I beg your pardon!
Giving flowers is the same principle as chocolates.
Sweets to the sweet. I just had a little whiff.
You smell lovely.
Why not ask her out?
First of all, I'm a senior partner. I could be sued for hitting on her.
Yes. She seems defenseless, doesn't she?
Two things could happen.
She could say no or she could say yes.
-I'm not sure I could handle yes. -Why?
-She'd own me in minutes. -She owns you now.
-No, she does not. -Richard?
-Corretta. I'm sorry, is it Thor? -It's Raymond.
-Right. I'm off to work out. -In a stall?
You've never done it in a stall, Thor?
-It's a little cramped, isn't it? -John gave me his hole.
Richard, you might want to blot that drool.
-The sexiest thing on a woman? -Me.
No. Not you, not me, not any piece of clothing.
-Sweat. -Sweat?
She's in there. She's about to work out. She'll be sweating.
Why don't you join her, Richard?
I couldn't handle it.
It's blackmail.
Not blackmail. It's exciting footage.
My client is excited to share it.
In exchange for forfeiting, she'll accept $25,000.
We could go to the police.
We could sell the thing on eBay.
-We're making an offer. -You can live with yourself?
-You made the tape. -As a valentine to our love.
Yeah, two weeks before you dumped me.
Look, my client made a very fair offer here. $25,000 for 1 3 minutes of. . .
. . .graphic footage that pay-per-view stations would pay double for.
We'll give you till the end of business tomorrow to decide. Come on, Sandra.
You are not an honorable person.
-I don't need to see this again. -Any ideas, Nelle?
I think they've got us.
-You can't do anything? -Not unless we can somehow. . .
. . .outscum them.
She was trying to make me a celebrity. I just wanted to paint.
-Continue. -It seemed to matter more to her--
Because you dated?
A couple tends to care about each other.
Continue, please.
Oh. Rolling your eyes.
-You're obviously still upset. -No.
-It's about the case. -Don't take it personally.
Let me give you a tip. Women tend to take texture personally.
Let's imagine that somebody were to find fault with your hair.
Get off the hair. I did the painting before I saw your ass.
You were projecting cellulite because my face has one little wrinkle?
-A wrinkle? -You exercise your hair?
I've seen your butt. It's world-class.
Yes, it is. It also happens to be a world-class butt in jeans, Victor.
You don't have to see me naked in order to--
-Okay, let's just drop it. -Good idea.
-The paintings? -I delivered those promised. . .
. . .under the contract.
-She's more upset she lost me as a-- -Boyfriend.
Yes.
Did you ever paint her?
-Not a good idea that you're my lawyer. -No, I'm fine.
-Don't worry about me. -Fine.
Fine.
Richard.
Don't sneak up on me like that.
I can't help it. It's a problem for me, blending into the background.
-No one ever sees me coming. -Can I help you?
I'm not a fan of that vicious little minx!
But I am a champion of love.
Does your heart speak to you, Richard, when you watch Liza?
-Yes, my heart and my dial shout. -You must go to her.
Claire, you know, I know when I'm overmatched.
-You read Cyrano de Bergerac? -No.
I've seen the movie Roxanne.
I could be your Cyrano. I know how to push that little button's buttons.
I'll have her eat from your hand, assuming you keep. . .
-. . .your hand off your destiny. -You know, Claire--
Richard, hi. Does the office not have a shower facility?
I'm all sweaty. I look like I've been on a date.
-Well, a little bit. -I kind of like being sweaty.
-It's kind of a tropical, moist feeling. -Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
-I think you handled it well. -I'm open to getting help.
Little sweaty Betty.
The contract called for him to deliver eight paintings during the year 2001 .
-He delivered three. -The contract says. . .
. . .he had to deliver up to eight paintings. There was no minimum.
The three previous years, he painted between 1 2 and 1 5.
-He did not operate in good faith. -Are we talking "faith" professionally?
This has nothing to do with our relationship.
Ms. Hunt, I'd like to remind you that you are indeed under oath.
Our personal relationship was a hindrance.
He wouldn't have time to paint if I made love to him as often as he--
Objection. Move to strike that. Nonresponsive.
Is that what he said? I was nonresponsive?
-Sheila. -Victor.
Your client has a problem, counsel. Ask him about his little fetish.
-Sheila-- -Victor! What fetish?
Let's just say your client is a butt man.
-Sheila. -Victor!
-This isn't relevant. -I'm the one asking the questions.
-A butt man? -He paints them, he studies them. . .
-. . .during sex, he nibbles them. -Sheila.
-Victor. -Ally.
-Nibble them? -Yes.
One reason why he broke up with me was because my buttocks were too. . .
. . .conventionally beautiful. He likes women's asses to be asymmetrical.
-Asymmetrical? -Just settle the case.
-What? -I'm not gonna discuss buttocks--
-Tell her you like cellulite. -Sheila--
-It adds character. -I'm out of--
No, just sit. Sit. All right, let's just move on.
Okay, the buttock-- The contract called for no minimum.
But it did call for good faith, and he simply stopped painting.
He gave me three pieces. Then didn't call or return my calls. He walked.
That's bad faith. He was in it for sex. When I cut back on sex, he walked.
-You were falling in love. -That's why you quit?
Yes.
Well, there you go.
He admitted he stopped painting.
He breached.
How many times do you need to watch?
-You represent a special-effects house? -Yes?
I have an idea.
I'm getting the sense it's evil.
-Aren't they the best? -Can I help?
Put me in touch with your client. Then get Mr. Spaner and Sandy in here. . .
. . .set up another meeting.
Scum?
Serious scum.
(HIGH-PITCHED MOANING]
-I don't see how this can work. -The bar is the perfect place for this.
There's so much noise. She won't hear me.
Yes, how you blend into the background.
Testing.
Is that too loud?
-You have to talk softly, Claire. -Yes, of course.
We're gonna be a team, Richard.
I'll be speaking softly. You'll be carrying a big stick.
-Get! -Come on, now. Let's go.
This is going to be lovely. Testing.
Copy. Copy.
Ew.
What do you mean, "ew"?
Six and a quarter?
-What? -Your left side's more muscular too.
That's because I kicked with my left foot. Do the right one.
-Ally, they look even! -Maddie, can you. . .?
-Hey. -What are you doing?
I'm getting a new outfit, so I wanna measure.
-Could I talk to you for a minute? -Downstairs?
And your left side rides a little higher.
Never mind!
Go ahead.
You can forget that.
-You're never walking behind me again. -Fine.
Your case is not fine after that deposition.
-What? -You admitted you quit painting.
-A breach. -No minimum.
There was a good-faith requirement. She was in love.
Were you in love with her?
No, that was the problem.
-She was too symmetrical? -Here we go.
-She didn't have my cellulite bottom. -Ally.
-Men stare at this. -I bet.
-It's even, ripe and smooth. -Let me grab it.
You know what?
It is not a good time for you to be amused.
And what is this about wanting to have sex with her all the time?
It took you three months to kiss me. You can't paint, because. . .
-. . .you can't think of your--? -Ally!
Even on vacation in Bermuda, you're not what I would call voracious.
I'm a nibbler, right?
I'm sorry.
The sex was polite. It was totally polite.
How many couples go to the Caribbean to have polite sex?
We didn't have fun talking. You barely said a poop.
-Peep. -We hung around.
The highlight was ordering food.
Then we'd go to the hotel to have polite sex.
And you didn't even bite me.
You're laughing at me again on the inside.
No. This time, I'm laughing on the outside.
Ally, baby, I apologize if the sex was too polite.
I'm sorry if I barely spoke a poop.
But I promise you, next time, I will bite you.
I so hate you.
I am not happy. I assumed this was to be an offer.
It is an offer.
I'm offering the lovely Sandy a chance to drop this and say she's sorry.
-Let's go. -Hold on.
It seems there's surfaced another tape.
What other tape?
You've been a busy girl, haven't you?
-What are you talking about? -Well, I could tell you, but. . .
-. . .a picture's worth-- How many words? -Used to be 1 000.
But this could jack it up some.
-Would you like to see it? -I would.
There you are. On top of Barry, but we've seen that already.
What?
That isn't me.
Of course it is. That's you.
-Good that you were on top. -It's a trick.
This is trick photography.
(COW MOOS]
Mercy!
We don't need to see that. The deal is. . .
. . .the office sees you and Barry, they see you and the others. . .
-. . .including Clementine. -This is out-and-out fraud!
Barry's excited to show it.
In exchange for forfeiting, you drop your extortion.
My tape is real. That's a fake.
No matter what it is. . .
. . .it would be a big hit on eBay.
Always and forever
Each moment with you
Is just like a dream to me
-Hi, Richard. CLAIRE: Hello?
Hello.
-Working late? -Well--
I was working on my book.
-I'm working on my book. -A book?
-Yes. The Lost Art of Conversation. -Really?
Are people conversing less or just less artfully?
-That little rejoinder-- -Tells me you haven't lost the art.
-Even a raconteur such as yourself-- -Probably too often resorts. . .
. . .to the language of the body via touch, a smile, the flirtatious giggle.
That's what my book focuses on.
The tendency of men and women to resort to physicality.
-Let me ask you-- -Be honest--
When you're talking to a man one on one for the first time--
-Do you ask yourself--? -Would l?
Isn't it natural?
Well, it is, but suppose the answer is yes.
Is the conversation colored by that? How could it not be colored?
-For example, when I look at you-- -I can't help--
-But want to-- -Stoke your embers--
With my little poker.
-Really? -But since I would never say that. . .
. . .I innately look to communicate that with physical expression.
I'll let you read the book one day.
See, I have no problem just saying it.
If I wanted to sleep with you, I'd say, "Richard. . .
. . .Iet's go somewhere and do it. "
-Goodness, what a-- -Slut.
(MICROPHONE SQUEALS]
What did you call me?
Sorry, Richard. She's got me flustered, the little tramp.
Here's the deal, Richard.
Every man I work for wonders what it would be like.
And it gets in the way professionally. It's actually really annoying.
Maybe we should just do it once. . .
. . .satisfy your curiosity, get it over with and move on.
I. . . .
I'll always love you
I think we put pressure on the vacation because we wanted it to be magical.
Maybe we wanted it too much.
As far as the painting goes. . .
. . .I'm sorry.
I consider you to be an incredibly beautiful woman.
I wish the painting captured my love for you.
As for Sheila, it was just a physical relationship.
I am always amazed at how men can just enter into. . .
-. . .purely physical relationships. -I cared for her.
Maybe that's why I left the way I did.
Sorry?
I could see she was falling in love.
I cared for her. I was not in love. And I realized that. . .
. . .my leaving would devastate her, so. . .
. . .I left. No explanation, I just walked out.
-Why? -I think I wanted her to hate me.
Anger's easier than heartbreak. You know, it's easier to get over.
And if she thinks I'm a jerk, it mitigates the loss.
-That's what he was doing. -Sorry?
-He wanted me to hate him. -Who?
Larry.
I could never figure out why he just. . . .
But that's it.
He wanted me to feel anger.
Great. Let's talk about Larry.
Where did he go?
I don't know.
He left right after I said the L word.
Larry?
Yeah. When you start dating and you're spending time with your boyfriend. . .
. . .you should minimize the obsessing about the old boyfriend.
I'll try to remember that.
-Is he coming back? -Larry?
Victor.
Oh, l-- I-- I--
I don't know.
They don't tend to come back with me.
-Come on in, Richard. -Wow.
-Liza, this is a great place. -Thanks.
-The art is so. . . . -Pop?
I know. I like pop.
I like pop music. Pop-Tarts.
Popsicles.
(SPRINGBOARD REVERBERATES]
Pop goes the weasel.
-Was that Mr. Fish? -Bygones.
You're scared stiff.
Well, Liza, I usually pull the strings with women. I'm not used to--
-I make you crazy, don't l? -Yeah.
-And all you can think about is-- -Yes.
Richard.
I'm very serious about my career.
-If I extinguish your curiosity. . . -Yeah.
-. . .will you see me as a lawyer? -I will so try, I promise.
Okay.
Come on.
Just like that, she dropped it?
-She dropped it. -It was the cow.
-I don't have to pay her? -Not a cent. You do have to pay us.
With pleasure.
I want you to know, because I don't hand out compliments freely. . .
. . .you're the most disgusting attorneys I've encountered.
-Thank you. -They set the bar so low.
-And you just slithered right under it. -We try.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
We are good.
Yes, we are.
-Well, here we are. -What is this?
When I get home from work, I want to dive right into bed.
And I really dive. I used to compete.
So you have a diving board over your bed.
What do you want to do first?
Well, you sort of promised I could watch you shower.
Richard.
Oh.
(WATER RUNNING]
(KNOCKING]
-You're back. -Yeah.
I brought you something.
What's this?
It's a ticket. . .
. . .to Detroit. . .
. . .for one.
-Sorry? -I think you need to go see Larry.
Whatever's there or was there, you settle with him. . .
-. . .before we move on. -You think I need to settle things?
-Yeah. -Oh.
Well, things are settled, Victor. It's over.
-Not for you. -Not for me, why?
-Because I think about him? -You think about him all the time.
Right. So you, what? You went and bought me a ticket?
I think you should go. I'll stay here with Maddie.
You know. . . .
I still like men, even though some of them have done awful things to me.
This takes the cake. It's the most arrogant, most obnoxious--
-Flight leaves at 9 a.m. -What--?
-You're not over him. -Even so. . .
. . .don't send me off. A thing between me and Larry is between me and him.
Don't you think I'm involved?
-No. -No?
Not to the extent it does me. You've no right to buy me tickets!
-I'm trying to be patient. -I don't care how patient--
You're losing me! Okay?
It's time for you to clean up your mess and move on.
Please. Let this sink in.
Okay, Victor. See, I don't want to be with Larry.
I choose not to be with him.
But whether or not I'll lose you. . . .
-I think you overplayed. -It's not a game.
It isn't! My mess is my life. I choose to live this way.
I don't wanna be booked on planes! Take your ticket. Good night!
Are you really sure this is what you want?
Yes. For once, I am so sure.
You showed up as caretaker. Then set up as controller.
One thing I know about myself and men is, I do not take to being controlled.
You're controlled by your past.
-Is that what you think? -Yeah.
You know what? It doesn't matter what you think anymore, Victor.
You can come over and say goodbye to Maddie tomorrow.
Was it good for you?
It was unbelievable.
No, Richard. That was believable.
You want unbelievable, lie down on the bed.
-What? -Just do what I tell you.
Lay down. Hurry up.
-I'm gonna show you unbelievable. -What are you doing?
Just lie back. It's important that you don't move.
-This looks dangerous. -Isn't that what you like?
-That I'm a little dangerous? -The idea of being hospitalized. . . .
Just lie still. I promise, you won't get hurt.
Still, Richard. Very, very still.
Well, I'll be as. . . . Yeah.
Now, that would be a perfect 1 0, even from the French judge.
I think perfect is a six, but--
Now, Richard, be honest, really honest.
Can you imagine what it must be like to make love to me?
-Yes. -You can feel it?
-Do you even know it? -Yes.
Good! Curiosity satisfied. You can go now.
No, no, no. Wait. What? What?
Well, it would be wrong for us to actually sleep together.
-I'm not a slut. -I--
-See you at the office. -I'm. . . .
(KNOCKING]
So where am I going now?
I'm sorry.
-I was hurt. -I know.
So was l.
I'm really sorry that I called you controlling.
-I don't really think that, but-- -But?
Well, Victor, there's a reason. . .
. . .why we didn't get together for two months.
A reason why we had a bad vacation. A reason why we don't sexually combust.
There's a reason I didn't know you're a painter.
And there's a reason why I probably am sabotaging us.
I just think, on some level, you know that I'm not it for you.
And on some level, I know you're not it for me.
We could date. We could have fun.
But I don't think we are very good at doing that.
And. . . .
I saw myself marrying you.
And I saw myself marrying you.
But can--?
Can you really see us married?
You know, I think that it's probably best for us to take a little break. . .
. . .just to see if. . . .
Yeah, a break is probably best.
-Just, you-- -Just to see.
Yeah.
I can still talk to you during the break, right?
'Cause I'm gonna call you.
Okay.
Bye.
OLD LADY: You stinker!
Ripped by thewildbunch22