Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com
- [Cherry] Good morning! - Fuck.
Morning.
Just, uh, getting back from the gym here. It's an early workout.
Right. 'Cause that's a workout bustier.
It's a new costume element I'm working on.
Sometimes you need to break 'em in. 'Cause they're very, very... they're tight.
[chuckles]
Rosen, that white girl bullshit might work on teachers and cops,
but not me.
- Rosen? - This is your last warning.
You break curfew again, you're fired.
Look, are we still doing this whole Louis Gossett Jr., Richard Gere thing?
Come on.
'Cause I really don't see you up anybody else's asshole.
Other people don't piss me off as much. And Sam put me in charge.
I'm official now. So, deal with it, Rosen.
Fuckin' anti-Semite.
[women grunting]
[groans]
Yeah.
[grunting and shrieking]
When did we learn that move?
We didn't.
I think, just, nerds try harder.
[laughing and cheering]
[Cherry] All right.
- Sort of doing a werewolf thing over here. - Yeah, I like it.
She's actually British, which is impressive. These two.
And finally, our star.
Debbie, I'd like you to meet Glen Klitnick,
our phenomenal executive at K-DTV,
aka, the man who's making all of our dreams come true, huh?
Glen, I'd like you to meet the beautiful Deborah Eagan.
You, of course, know her best as Laura Morgan.
[Debbie chuckles]
- Paradise Cove. - Oh, uh... soap opera.
- Right? Yeah. I'm not a big soap guy. - Oh.
My wife, Jodie, she goes crazy for All My Children.
- You ever do anything there? - They film in New York.
So, I've always been based in LA.
So, no.
[chuckles] Deb, why don't you show him what you've been working on?
Okay. Uh, yeah.
So, I've just been practicing some landings.
Um, so, if I did like a jump off the ropes type thing,
I could sort of land in like a somersault-y, um...
type thing.
I could just mark it for you.
And reset. Anyway. And then, um...
And then my, uh, character is...
is Liberty Belle.
She's the all-American hero.
Uh, she's kind of like the role model for kids.
Um, so, I could then say something like... Like...
"Be all that you can be."
Or like, "Say nope to dope."
That kind of thing.
I am a mom.
So, I know how important it is to be patriotic.
Uh, but I'm still kind of working on it, so...
Uh, well, I look forward to seeing it when it's done.
[Bash chuckles]
- This way, Glen. - Okay.
[Sam] So, it's deeper than that, really. Okay?
They're gonna be wrestling with their own female stereotypes, metaphorically.
Do you understand?
I think that's something that'll really resonate with female audiences.
And guys... Well, guys, let's be honest.
They're gonna watch because girls wrestling is fucking hot.
[chuckles] Sure. Though Glen's Saturday morning programming targets kids.
Hot and family friendly, Glen.
Porn you can watch with your kids.
Finally.
[laughing]
- Well, I have to say this is very strong. - [Sam] Glen.
Strong concept, strong timeslot.
I feel like we could be making something special.
Providing we find the right sponsor.
- Sure. - Wait, aren't you the sponsor?
Uh, Sam, I'm the producer. Heh.
Sponsor pays for airtime.
- How we doing with that, Glen? - Well, we have a great lead.
Booming local business
looking to expand their profile throughout the region.
Patio Town.
You mean, like, bird baths and shit?
Bird baths, furniture, custom fire pits, you know.
They're the number-two purveyor
of indoor/outdoor lifestyle in Southern California.
Wow.
What can we do, Glen?
They have a brand-new location in Calabasas.
Grand opening this Friday, the owner will be there.
We thought it might be a wonderful opportunity
for a little meet and greet.
Bring a couple of the girls, you know.
That zippy Ruth girl. Nail this puppy down.
We're gonna nail this puppy down so hard, it'll think it's been crucified, huh?
[Glen and Bash chuckling]
I'm Liberty Belle, the American hero.
I'm a perfect ten, and you're a zero.
[sighs]
I'm American as apple pie,
and if you're not, I'll make you die.
So, what do you think?
- I never thought he was right for you. - [Debbie] Oh, Mom.
Now is not the time.
Well, I just always thought he was very controlling.
Please don't put me in the position of having to defend the man I just left.
I'm not asking you to defend anybody. I'm just worried about you.
You've always been so independent. Now all of a sudden you're off in Pasadena
with a new belt for every outfit, waiting for him to come home.
I made the choice to stop working. I wanted to actually be there for my kid.
Well, it's nice you had the choice.
- Oh, Mom, I didn't mean... - Honey, honey, honey.
I know.
Maybe you'll get back together.
Have another piece of bacon, Ron.
So, it's just gonna be for a few weeks.
Just in the daytimes during rehearsals.
Well, maybe some evenings here and there. Um...
- Mark has him on weekends. - Isn't that your friend Ruth?
[Lorene] Ruth? Oh, my God, what are you doing here?
- Ruth and I are working together. - [Lorene] My gosh, that's fabulous.
- Ron, isn't that fabulous? - [Ron] Very nice.
Come over here, honey, have a seat.
I would love to stay and catch up with you,
but, you know, uh, actually, I...
came in to check the time, and I gotta run to rehearsal.
It was so nice to see you, Lorene, really.
- [Lorene] Okay. Bye, hon. - Bye, Ron.
- Debbie, isn't that nice that she's here? - Yeah.
Really, after your father left,
if it wasn't for your Aunt Cathy, I think I might have lost my mind.
Um, oh, I have to go.
So, extra clothes are in here,
extra bottles in the side pocket...
Yes, everything's under control. Sweetie, go, go.
- All right. Okay, thank you. - [Lorene] We're gonna have a good time.
- Aren't we? Yes, we are. - Bye. Love you.
[Lorene mimics kissing sounds]
[Lorene] We're gonna have a good time, aren't we?
Yeah, with Meemaw and Ron.
[sighs]
[phone ringing]
- Keith Bang. - [woman on phone] Where's the beef?
- Excuse me? - We've been wondering, sir,
exactly where you've been putting your beef.
[women laughing over phone]
[phone ringing]
- Got blood alcohol levels? - Phil's checking them.
- Hello? - [woman] Hellmann's Mayonnaise.
Can you take a survey?
- A survey? - Yes, yes. Mm-hmm.
- About mayonnaise? - Yes, about mayonnaise.
- I always have time for condiments. - Perfect.
Ah.
That shower is the best.
No, I'm quite fastidious about following instructions on the label.
[woman speaking indistinctly over phone]
Personal lubricant?
[scoffs]
No, I'm not sure I understand...
[laughing]
[ringing]
- Hello, Fujiyama. - [man on phone] Quincy.
[Fujiyama] Hang on, Lieutenant, he's right here. Quince, Monahan.
- [Quince] Yeah, Lieutenant? - [Monahan on phone] Quincy, I talked to...
Excuse me.
We're having some trouble with our TV.
Not my problem.
Not your problem? We're guests at this hotel.
And our TV keeps fuzzing out.
[sighs] It says "free TV," not "free TVs."
You want watch? Go to room of another prostitute.
[scoffs]
[phone rings]
Wrong number.
Is the animal handler.
He injects his homosexual lover...
with venom of snake.
How do you know that?
In Soviet Union, television watches you.
[chuckles]
- Is that a joke? - You leave now.
[chuckling]
Ah, Quincy, Quincy.
This will be my masterpiece.
- Okay, I can't wait. - All right. [exhales]
[coughs]
[clears throat] Hello?
Yes, is this Melanie Rosen?
- [Melrose] Yeah. - Melanie Danielle Rosen?
Mm-hmm.
Yes, this is Lisa from Dr. Goldberg's office.
We have your test results.
- You have AIDS... in your butt. - [laughing]
Oh, my God.
Really?
Because I was just in my really good friends Dawn and Stacey's room,
and suddenly, out of nowhere, I started bleeding right out of my butt.
And the only way I could get it to stop
was by shoving both of their toothbrushes into my anus!
Get a life, you fucking hags!
[grumbles]
How does everyone know my fucking real name?
- [Jenny] I don't know. - What are you doing?
- My hair. - For who?
For me. Self-esteem, hello?
I can't look at you anymore.
Any of you.
I gotta get the fuck out of here.
We could go out, but we have to be back by ten.
[phone rings]
Fuck.
Fucking cunt!
Cunt! Cunt! Cunt! Cunt! Cunt!
- Hi, it's Justine. - Oh, hey. What do you want?
- I wanted to see if you'd split a pizza. - Again?
Dude, why do you keep ordering pizza?
[Tears For Fears' "Head Over Heels" playing]
♪ I wanted to be with you alone ♪
♪ And talk about the weather ♪
♪ I'm lost in admiration Could I need you this much? ♪
♪ Oh, you're wasting my time ♪
♪ You're just, just, just wasting time ♪
♪ Something happens And I'm head over heels ♪
Hi.
Hey.
You got black olives this time.
Yeah.
I like the color black.
[Billy] Yeah? Cool.
So, um, it'll be 11 even.
Oh, right. [chuckles]
♪ I made a fire And watching it burn ♪
♪ Thought of your future ♪
So, um, I'll see you around.
Yeah.
♪ Have you no ambition? ♪
[groans, sobs]
"I like the color black"? Ugh, he must think I'm a total fucking poser!
Why can't I talk to him?
[Justine sighs]
I can't order more pizza, I'm out of cash until next Friday.
Good thing he wrote his number on the box.
[Justine whispering] Whoa.
Do you think he actually wants me to call him?
Yeah.
- More! More! More! - Ah!
Ruth. Up here.
You wanna take a field trip?
Guess all that extra work paid off, huh?
- For her, anyway. - You wanna talk?
You can squat.
So, you have obviously been helping her.
You're so good, now she is so good, and I still suck.
Well, Ruth takes it seriously.
Well, I take this seriously. I'm working out as hard as I can.
I had a baby six months ago. My hips are still in the wrong place,
every time Cherry makes us jump rope, I leak a little,
but, you know, I'm here.
It's not the workouts.
The problem is you think wrestling is stupid.
Well, it is stupid. [chuckles] I mean, isn't it?
I prefer exaggerated. I mean, that's the point.
My brother, he once had this promoter
set him up with a guy who wrestled with a snake.
The day of the match, the snake died. Kermit put on a sock puppet.
My brother had to wrestle it like it was real.
- That sounds humiliating. - It brought the house down.
Have you never been to a real wrestling match?
[chattering]
- ♪ Don't wanna make it something special ♪ - ♪ Special ♪
♪ Not in the mood for something true ♪
Are we doing a demo?
Because I have this new idea for a character...
No. No demos, no talking.
It's a formality. You guys are just window dressing or...
patio furniture dressing.
Oh, here we actually go. Sam!
[clears throat] Girls, I'd like to introduce you to the CEO
and paterfamilias of this whole operation,
Mr. Patrick O'Towne.
Ah, I get it.
Pun. Patty O'Towne.
You know what they say, our name is our destiny.
Yeah. Yes, so true.
I often wonder what my life would be like
if my name was, I don't know, Francis Ford Coppola.
[chuckles]
Speaking of names, how would you like to see Patio Town
plastered across 14 of the most gorgeous ladies
in the world of wrestling? I mean, imagine this times 14.
[chuckles] Look, I get it. Lady wrestlers.
Women can do anything men do, blah, blah, blah.
Yeah, I appreciate it,
but it's not gonna help me sell lawn chairs.
- I don't understand. Uh, Glen said... - Oh, Glen. Yeah, he's a golf buddy.
I owed him a favor
for writing a recommendation letter to Pepperdine for my son.
Give us a second to show you what we're all about.
Look, this is a family business, all right?
I mean, our customer is a nice suburban mom
who's looking for a good deal on a wrought-iron bistro set, okay?
Hey, enjoy the refreshments.
Sam?
What?
Pat.
Buddy.
You may be selling barbecues to moms, but...
I see a lot of guys here, too.
Guys whose lives, quite frankly, didn't work out the way they thought.
Guys who are wondering just how many more fucking sundials
their wives have to show 'em before their dicks fall off.
You know what I'm saying, Pat? You catch my drift?
Rhonda, show him what we're talking about.
Huh? Very nice, baby.
Yeah. Right?
This is my favorite part.
Calabasas homeowners, are you ready to save?
[man coughs]
I can't hear you.
[Ruth] Nyet! Nyet!
[in Russian accent] Stop this disgrace!
[scoffs] Patio Town...
- is disgusting. - [murmuring]
Capitalism at its worst.
- Should we...? - No.
So much quality, so much choices.
One store, 50 different types of chair.
In Soviet Union, we have one chair.
We take turns to sit in him.
You miss your turn, too bad.
You sit on floor for rest of year.
[murmuring]
This is the greatness of communism.
Boo!
[all booing]
Yeah, boo!
Okay, okay.
I know why you boo. Because so many cash register.
At Patio Town, you never get to stand in line.
In Soviet Union, line is like cocktail party.
Where else you have conversation and KGB don't hear?
[all chuckle]
Here we go.
[Sam] Yeah, all right.
Fuck my mother in her fucking cunt!
I'm thirsty!
Fuck you!
What are you looking at?
Oh, you guys are friends now? That's cute.
Are you guys going out?
'Cause Cherry's gonna have a shit fit if you guys aren't back by curfew.
Tell.
Can I come?
[chattering]
Holy shit. Carmen, these are good seats!
I know people.
Hi.
[heavy metal music playing over speakers]
[announcer] Buckle your seat belts, it's wrestling time!
[cheering]
[Ruth in Russian accent] Mm. Delicious.
In Soviet Union, we must pay one month's salary for this quality of cat.
[Sam laughs]
Mm.
Fosters Freeze.
We have same place.
Ice Cream Gulag.
There, you go in, it's so cold, you die.
[Ruth and Sam chuckle]
I like you like this. I like you more than I usually like you.
[Ruth] Mm.
Is because you are weak American.
I will destroy all you hold dear.
Russians, best villains since the Nazis.
It's too bad you can't do it for real.
[in normal voice] Why can't I?
Well, if you're Russian,
you have to fight the all-American hero, and Debbie's not talking to you.
Well, you never know.
She could change her mind.
[in Russian accent] Is like old Russian saying:
A fishermen cannot kill a chicken
till there are no more fish in the sea.
- [Sam chuckles] - [Rhonda clears throat]
I need to wee.
So?
Go.
- Don't you want to come with me? - What?
[in English accent] Do you normally like to watch her wee?
Is that something you fancy?
[chuckling] All right, okay, shut up.
- [in normal voice] You're fucking her. - You fucked what's-his-name.
- He wasn't my boss. - Right.
He was your best friend's husband.
[sighs] Sorry.
That was defensive.
I'm sorry.
I have a flaw in my conflict style
according to my ex-wife's cognitive behavioral therapist.
Why did you do it?
Why does anyone make a stupid, horrible mistake?
Well, for me...
it's usually 'cause I'm high...
or drunk,
or someone has done something to make me feel so small and insecure...
that I have to do something to remind myself that I exist.
But you don't seem like that kind of person.
What kind of person do I seem like?
An okay person.
You know, Sam and I are shagging.
[sighs]
[audience cheering and shouting]
That's it!
Watch this. Moonsault. It's one of the hardest moves in wrestling.
Oh, shit! That looks dangerous.
[bell rings]
- Yeah! - [referee] Winner!
We should probably get going.
I have to check on the baby before my mother goes to sleep.
One more match.
One of my all-time favorite guys is up next. Please?
I need some tequila.
Yes! Mama is out!
I mean, does he even know my name?
What if I call, and I'm like, "Hi, this is Justine."
And he's like, "Who?"
[Arthie] He knows your name.
Maybe he's been expecting me to call. Now he's mad.
What if he, like, hangs up on me?
What if I have to talk to his mom?
[knock on door]
[sighs] He probably already has a girlfriend.
Some cool punk girl who's in a band,
and knows how to give a blow job without choking.
I... I didn't order pizza.
I did.
I'm going to study.
I'll be back later.
In exactly 45 minutes.
Try not to choke on anything. Thanks!
You didn't call me.
I'm sorry.
It's okay.
[audience cheering]
Yeah!
They call him Steel Horse.
A working class hero.
Yeah!
I think my vagina just swallowed itself.
♪ Make that money ♪
♪ Make that money, boy ♪
[audience booing]
♪ Make that money ♪
The greatest showman who has ever walked into the ring.
Mr. Monopoly, the heel.
This is gonna be a grudge match.
- Like, in real life? - In the story.
Every match is like another chapter.
It started when Mr. Monopoly closed down the factory in Steel Horse's town,
and he and all of his friends lost their jobs.
And then, he kidnapped Crystal, Steel Horse's woman, and brainwashed her.
She was his high school sweetheart, but now she thinks he's evil.
He still loves her. Every time, tries to win her back.
Come on!
Come on! Come on!
[audience booing]
I'm here for you.
Come on.
I'm right here.
- No, no, no. You stay right there! - Come on! Come on!
[audience shrieks]
It turned out they're actually half-brothers, and...
And that was his plan, to ruin Steel Horse's life
to get revenge on the father who abandoned him.
Oh, my God.
[referee] Let's go!
[audience gasps]
It's a soap opera!
This is a soap opera!
I understand how to do that.
Come on!
[screams]
[yells]
[cheering]
Come on!
[audience chanting] Steel Horse! Steel Horse! Steel Horse!
- [cheers] - [crowd continues chanting]
My brother said he's super nice.
Hi, Dale.
I'm Carmen, Tom and Kurt's little sister.
Oh, right. Sure.
We just wanted to come back and tell you how amazing that was.
- Um, these are my friends. Melanie... - Melrose.
Melrose. Hi, it's a pleasure.
- Hi. - Hi.
- And Debbie. - Hi.
You're Laura Morgan.
- From Paradise Cove. - Oh, yeah. Oh, God.
Yeah. I mean, I was.
[chuckles]
I can't believe I'm meeting you, I'm a huge fan.
- You watch soaps? - Yeah.
It's where we get all our best ideas from.
But I have to say, new Laura can't act for shit.
[laughing]
I sell it, but he's the one with the real strength, the real craft.
That's how it is with bad guys. They're craftsmen.
You mean the heel.
[Steel Horse] Superfan here.
[Debbie chuckles]
Yeah. The heel makes the face.
Rick has been making me look good for years.
That's a good friend.
We're not friends. You don't have to be friends to wrestle.
It's like an unspoken language.
I look at him like this... he looks at me like that.
And we know what's gonna go down. Because that's a partnership, you know?
We don't like each other, but we make each other better.
Shit in the ring, it's just entertainment.
But there's gotta be something there that's real.
That's what makes it work.
That's what makes it hit you.
Right here.
[Melrose] Debbie?
- It's getting late. - [Steel Horse] It's cool.
You probably gotta go home to your boyfriend or husband.
Uh, you know what, I am actually recently separated, so...
Oh.
Mm-hmm.
Debbie, don't make me be the rules person.
I'm not emotionally equipped for it.
You know what, why don't you just...
Just, uh... Just take my car.
- Are you sure? - I'll take a cab. Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Fantastic! Bye.
- If Cherry finds out... - You know, I'll deal with Cherry.
- [Melrose] Really sweet of you. - Bye.
- Thanks for having us. - Yeah, yeah. Bye.
- Separated? - Yeah.
- I feel bad for your husband. - Really? 'Cause I don't give a shit.
[Keith sighs]
Jesus, baby, it's five in the morning.
And when I get back,
there might actually be hot water left for my damn shower.
[Keith chuckles]
Mm. Mm. Go run, go.
[Cherry chuckles]
[Debbie] Fuck.
Shit. Where the fuck is that key?
Hey, Cherry.
Oh, good morning.
Hi.
I'm so sorry, I, uh... Well, had a little bit of an emergency.
And... Well, everything's fine, but... I'm just gonna grab my keys, and...
Oh... no smoking.
Keith thinks I quit.
Well, it's my first pack since Randy was born, so...
[clicks tongue] So... did Steel Horse live up to the name?
[chuckles sarcastically]
- They told you. - Melrose did.
I told her what we do to rats where I come from. Bitch shut up after that.
[both chuckle]
Yeah...
You didn't answer my question.
Oh. Um...
Yeah, it was good, I guess.
You know, it's exciting.
It's kind of...
So...
And fucking weird. I don't know.
[both laugh]
You know, you're with someone for a long time,
and all you think about is all the guys you'd get to sleep with
if he just, like, disappeared...
and then he does.
And you do, and...
You just remember how much easier it is...
How much better everything works when, um... [clicks tongue]
it's someone you really know, and, uh, who really knows you.
- Sounds like horse was less than steely. - Oh, no.
The horse was steely. Exhaustingly steely.
Steely enough that I'm dreading having to pee.
So, I gotta get some sleep.
Enjoy.
Oh, no. You're not getting off that easy.
We've got a 5K uphill.
- 5K? - Just you and me.
Oh...
Okay.
Give me five minutes to wash my face and drain my tits.
You got until I'm done.
- Okay. - Yep.
[Debbie groans]
[ringing]
Dawn, enough with the fucking crank calls.
It's Debbie.
Oh.
Oh, hey. You all right? What's going on?
Yeah. So, I've been thinking about the show.
What? You know, look,
I know that the situation with the network executive was not...
ideal...
I'm all in.
But if you want me to be the star, I need a great heel.
Find me one.
[Scorpions' "Rock You Like a Hurricane" playing]
♪ Here I am ♪
♪ Rock you like a hurricane ♪
♪ Here I am ♪
♪ Rock you like a hurricane ♪
♪ My body is burning It starts to shout ♪
♪ Desire is coming It breaks out loud ♪
♪ Lust is in cages Till storm breaks loose ♪
♪ Just have to make it With someone I choose ♪
♪ The night is calling I have to go ♪
♪ The wolf is hungry He runs the show ♪
♪ He's licking his lips He's ready to win ♪
♪ On the hunt tonight For love at first sting ♪
♪ Here I am ♪
♪ Rock you like a hurricane ♪
♪ Here I am ♪
♪ Rock you like a hurricane ♪
♪ Here I am ♪