Synced and corrected by Katniss Everdeen. www.addic7ed.com
Attention, campers!
You may wonder why I'm smiling.
Your mail-order husband arrived?
No, I couldn't afford the postage.
Tomorrow is the last day of camp.
Finally, I'll be rid of all of you.
Is it weird I'm gonna miss her?
Yes.
It's also time for the traditional Kikiwaka overnight campout.
Don't forget your bear spray.
I don't want another incident.
I told Crystal not to wrestle that grizzly.
Yeah, I've never seen a bear tap out before.
Hey, not so fast, Blondie and Rudy.
You would think that after two years she would know my name.
At least she was close.
She still calls me by my hair color.
If that were true, she'd call you "Dye-job!"
Ha-ha!
All CITs eligible for promotion to counselor
have to complete a final series of tests.
Which Xander and I are going to administer.
I'd do it, but I have to go hawk my mother's silver to buy stamps.
It's shocking how much it costs to ship a 180-pound man from Bulgaria.
This campout is awesome!
I can't wait to sleep in the open air and bathe in the lake.
I wouldn't do that.
You'll come out dirtier than you went in.
Well, maybe not you.
Here's to our last night at Camp Kikiwaka.
And to my last bite of sugar until next summer!
Why don't you just smuggle some candy home?
Because my mom will find it.
She pats me down as soon as I get in the door.
I like to pretend it's a hug.
Hey, guys!
I just heard there's an old cemetery nearby!
It's where Jedediah Swearengen is buried.
The guy who founded Camp Kikiwaka?
Yeah. Let's sneak out later,
stay up all night, and party with some poltergeists!
I'm in!
Count me out!
Cemeteries are the second scariest thing on Earth.
What's the first?
Zuri, if you miss a loan payment.
Speaking of which, I need that cheddar by tomorrow,
or you're going home without kneecaps.
Help me, help me!
My arm just got bit off by a moose!
There goes my juggling career.
Quick! What would a good counselor do?
Alert the authorities about the man-eating moose on the loose?
Tell somebody about the bodies in the lake?
I meant, to help Lou!
Oh. Um...
Assess the situation!
Do you have insurance? Any drug allergies?
What is your blood type?
Right now, it's type empty, because I'm bleeding out.
Emma, quick! Use your belt.
I'm on it.
Emma, my blood pressure's dropping, not my pants.
I meant, put the belt on her arm.
Ew! Then it'll get all bloody.
It's not real blood.
Well, then why am I trying to save you?
And I'm dead.
Oh, on the bright side,
at least you won't have to worry about your juggling career.
You hear that owl?
He's saying, "Who... Who's stupid enough to be in a graveyard at night?"
You know, legend says if you call the camp founder's name three times,
his spirit will be released from the grave.
Ooh, fun!
What's fun about saying "Jedediah" three times?
I'm sorry, what name?
Jedediah.
Jorge, you're gonna have to speak up.
Jedediah!
Oh, no!
I can't believe you guys tricked me.
Now, that dead guy is gonna kill us.
Or, maybe he'll just gently haunt us.
That's it?
Our lunch yesterday was scarier than that.
Hey, guys, look at this grave!
Something disturbed the dirt.
This isn't just any grave...
it's Jedediah Swearengen's!
I think we just released his ghost.
I just released something too...
and it wasn't a ghost.
CITs, pick up the pace.
Do you think they're taking us into the woods for our initiation,
where we'll get our counselor badges?
Yes. Oh, perhaps there will be a ceremony and a secret handshake.
And... we're here.
Oh, where is everybody?
This looks like Ravi's last birthday party.
Speaking of which, Emma, why could you not come?
Oh, sorry. I didn't get the address.
Your room is across the hall from me.
We're here so you can take your final test to become counselors.
You need to spend a night in the woods by yourselves.
What? Spend the night?
But I did not bring my hypoallergenic neck pillow,
or my compression stockings.
You got your work cut out for you with this one.
Oh, forget him.
Unless this dirt has an 800 thread count, I'm going back to the campout.
To pass this test, you need to use the skills you've learned as CITs
to build a shelter, start a fire and find food.
And to help you out, we're giving you this canteen of water.
Oh, gee, thanks.
There's a candy bar taped to the bottom of it.
Xander, stop babying them.
Okay, okay.
Good luck, you guys. We'll see you tomorrow morning.
Not without my make-up you won't.
She has a point. You do not wanna see that.
That was close!
I was afraid Jedediah's ghost
was gonna suck our brains out through our eyeholes!
Those of us who have brains.
With Jorge, it would just be that empty, slurping sound.
Guys, we should not have left.
It's our fault that Jedediah's spirit is wandering around.
Who cares? Let him wander.
He's 134 years old.
He can take care of himself.
No, Zuri, we have to go back and fix this.
We need to find Jedediah's ghost and return him to his resting place.
How are we going to find a ghost?
Not being seen is what they're best at!
I have an idea.
But if it doesn't work, and the enraged ghost wreaks havoc,
I say we blame Ravi.
Works for me. Me too.
I blame Ravi for everything...
although it works better at camp than it does at home.
There, all done.
Lou would be so impressed.
Of course, she grew up in a barn so the bar is kind of low.
Nice work, Emma.
Two summers ago, you could not even make your own bed.
I know. I thought that's why God invented Bertram.
Now, let us find some actual food so we can ace this survival test.
I just wish all the leaves in the woods didn't taste like...
leaves in the woods.
Oh, well, there is a fluid secreted by a gland in a beaver's buttocks
that we can use to make an artificial sweetener.
So, uh, fingers crossed we find a beaver to squeeze.
Good luck passing your test now.
Ha-ha!
Hey, what the heck happened?
I think your lean-to leaned too much.
Too soon?
Cool hut, Ravi.
Actually, it is a yurt.
The geodesic design is not only pleasing to the eye,
but it is engineered to distribute weight for maximum structural integrity.
You could've just said, "Thanks."
Sorry, I am not used to getting compliments from girls.
Say goodbye to your nerd cave!
Ha... Huh?
I better kick this up a notch, literally.
What? No!
So much for your "geodesic design."
Your yurt got hurt and hit the dirt.
Emma!
Oh, but when you do it, it's okay?
Okay, Griff, once we lure the ghost of Jedediah back here,
your job is to toss the baking powder on him,
thus making him visible to the naked eye.
You said "naked."
Jorge, you're going to be the bait.
Why me?
Because you're the one who called him.
Because you guys tricked me!
Which was surprisingly easy.
I've met bread smarter than you.
Okay, Zuri, your job is to suck the ghost into the vacuum once we see him.
And if there's time, I'll also suck up whatever's left of Jorge.
Great!
Now, get out there, and look hauntable.
Fine!
But if anything happens to me and I become a ghost,
I'm coming back to make your lives miserable.
You already do that.
Sorry I woke you up, Jedediah.
It was all Ravi's fault.
It's Jedediah's ghost!
Get back out there.
Get ready.
Now!
I've got Jedediah's hair!
Wait, the ghost has hair?
Gladys?
What the heck is wrong with you kids?
I'm not a ghost.
Although, you wouldn't know it from the way men look right through me.
Sorry, Gladys, but we accidentally released Jedediah's spirit
and now he's gonna haunt Camp Kikiwaka forever.
Oh, you kids and your imagination.
There's no such thing as ghosts!
But we have proof.
Look, his grave has been disturbed!
Oh, I did that.
It's my tradition to visit his final resting place on the last night of camp.
To pay your respects?
No, to spit on his grave.
Thanks to him, I'm stuck here running this stupid camp.
But why did you dig it up?
Oh, I was gonna plant these flowers.
Sure, I hate the guy, but I'm not a monster.
Gladys, instead of running the camp, what would you rather be doing?
Cruise ship director.
I'm a people person.
The worst part about gathering this food
is that I got my supes cute new boots all muddy.
Wha... Emma, no!
Great, now we have no drinking water, but at least you have clean
"Supes cute new boots!"
Ugh, these berries taste like they were fermented in old milk and then
slowly aged in between Jorge's toes.
Bet you are longing for some beaver butt extract right about now.
Hey.
You wanna try that again and sound more like a guy?
Hey, that scream got me on the cheer squad in high school.
Lou? Xander?
We heard a girly scream, and we thought there might be
a Justin Bieber concert out here.
That's ridiculous.
According to his fan site, he's in London until Thursday.
Okay, what are you guys doing out here?
Well...
I was watching over you because
I wasn't sure that you guys could make it on your own.
What?
You didn't believe in us?
Typical. Coach Kazinsky did not believe in me either,
but every one of those football players got their towels.
Xander, the whole point of this test is for Emma and Ravi
to prove that they can do this on their own.
Now, what is the first thing you're gonna do
when you get back to your camp site?
Build a... Fire!
Xander, let them do this one thing by themselves!
No, look!
Either somebody is roasting the world's largest s'more,
or the camp is on fire.
What? Oh, no!
Oh, no, our cabins!
Thank the gods Mrs. Kipling booked that tail modeling gig in New York.
We have to call the fire department!
Fire! Fire! What do we do?
We stay calm, and don't panic.
Xander and Lou are calling for help.
We must evacuate the campers to the emergency gathering spot.
Ravi, you take the lead.
I'll make sure we don't leave anyone behind.
Okay, campers, just like we practiced in the fire drill,
we are going to calmly walk through the mess hall, into the clearing by the lake.
Come on, let's go.
Forget the campers.
If that fire spreads to my cabin, my Morgy shrine will go up in flames!
And if it spreads to my cabin, my Xander shrine will go up in flames!
I mean, my suspender collection!
Morgy, your Sweet Thang is coming to save you!
No! We have to stay away from the fire.
It's too dangerous.
Nothing can keep me from my morgy.
Well, hel-lo!
Suddenly that fire's not the only thing that's smokin'.
I can't believe it.
Everything is gone.
My clothes, my shoes...
Do you know how long it will take to replace all this?
I feel so sorry for my personal shopper.
Violet! You're alive!
I'm so glad I got you that fireproof case.
That's the one thing I wish had burned up.
I mean... Yay.
I cannot believe Grizzly cabin has been reduced to a pile of ash.
I know.
I spent the best summers of my life in this cabin.
And part of one September when my parents forgot to pick me up.
Everything is gone.
Not everything.
I think this is that piece of pizza I lost a month ago.
Nope, that is a shoe.
Counselors, CITs, I need a word with you.
The fireman found this shorted-out curling iron, still plugged in.
Gee, who's the girl in Woodchuck cabin with picture perfect hair every day?
Thank you. But that's not mine.
I was talking about Emma.
She destroyed your cabin and Grizzly cabin.
I guess you can kiss being a counselor goodbye.
Ha-ha!
Guys, I am so sorry.
Hold on. The fireman also found this electric razor with a frayed wire.
Oh, no, that is my razor.
Why do you need a razor? You don't have any facial hair.
Yes, I do.
I have one very sturdy chin whisker.
I still blame Emma. Banish her.
No one's being banished yet.
The firemen are still conducting their investigation,
and they still haven't checked out the hottest thing at this camp.
Me!
Coming, captain!
If this fire is my fault, I curse my manly chin hair.
Ow. My baby toe. My baby toe!
Wait.
There's a melted candle holder under Xander's bed.
It's probably just that scented candle I gave Xander for our anniversary.
Nope, that candle's in my mom's guest bathroom.
Because I loved it so much.
Judging by the scorch marks on this box spring and the path the fire took,
it looks like this candle must have fallen over and started the fire.
Wow, Ravi. How did you figure that out?
I once took an "Arson Investigation" after-school enrichment class.
Shout out, Battalion Chief McGillicutty!
Hazel, this is your candle.
No, it's not.
The label says "Essence of Xander."
That doesn't prove anything.
It's a very popular scent.
Yeah, in crazy land.
We all know you used Xander's ear wax to make candles.
We do? Huh.
That explains my recurring dream about creepy aliens probing my ears.
You dream about me?
Hazel, you're missing the point. This is serious.
Okay, fine!
I must have forgotten to put out the candle after I lit it
for my romantic date with Xander's pillow.
You go on dates with my pillow?
No.
Unless you find that kind of thing endearing.
Well, I got Captain Hunky's home address.
Does anyone know where "214 Never Gonna Happen Avenue" is?
Hazel, is there anything you want to tell Gladys?
Yes.
When Xander and I get married and have a baby,
he's going to be named Armando.
Hazel!
Okay.
I started the fire in Grizzly cabin.
It's my fault.
I'm sorry, Aunt Gladys.
Look who's getting banished now.
I'm not going to banish Hazel.
Aw! Because I'm your niece and you love me?
No.
Because I owe your dad 20 grand for my spider vein removal.
Well, at least Xandy and I will never be torn apart.
We were never together.
Eh, we're leaving in a few hours.
Just give her this one.
But we cannot leave in a few hours.
Emma and I need more time to take our overnight counselor exam.
Actually, you don't need a test.
This fire was a real-life crisis,
and you both stepped up and got the job done.
And that's what real counselors do.
Ravi, did Gladys just compliment us?
Yes. I am a little scared.
Rudy and Blondie, you are officially promoted to Camp Kikiwaka counselors.
I can't believe I have to be counselors with them.
You don't.
You burned down two cabins.
I'm demoting you to CIT.
What? So now they're going to be bossing me around?
Ha-ha!
No!
Ravi, we did it!
Yes, we are counselors!
Ow, Ravi.
Your chin whisker just scratched me.
It did?
No.
Welcome to the club, guys.
I knew you could do it.
And I should've known.
Oh, thanks, guys.
We couldn't have done it without you.
Yes, you taught us everything we know.
Well, you're great students, and I'm really happy for you.
Me, too.
I'm also happy I'm not dating a CIT anymore.
People were starting to talk.
Yippee, you're all leaving!
Load your stuff in the van.
Aren't you forgetting? We don't have any stuff.
Then you can get in the van even faster.
Well, we might have lost most of our belongings,
but at least we still have our memories.
What could be more valuable than that?
The $75,000 I had stashed in my mattress.
Emma, I...
I just...
The thought of saying goodbye to you...
Hold it together, Xander.
Aw, Xander, that is really sweet.
But you know we still have a two-hour van ride together, right?
Only two?
I still can't believe our cabins turned into a giant bonfire.
On the bright side, the fire destroyed all of Xander's Justin Bieber figurines.
That was supposed to be our little secret.
To keep a secret like that will cost you way more than five bucks.
Wow, I'm really gonna miss all you guys.
It was another great summer at camp.
Well, except for the whole fire thing.
Yeah. I really hope we get to do it all again next year.
Except for the whole fire thing.
I just don't know what Camp Kikiwaka is gonna be like without our cabins.
It is going to be wonderful.
It is not the cabins that make this place so special.
It is the people.
Cut the sappy stuff and get in the van!
Well, not all the people.
Do you think Hazel's still upset that she was demoted to CIT?
Little bit.
Hey, Emma, tell your dad I say hello.
Oh, sorry, we're not allowed to mention you in the house.
Wait.
If you guys are gonna be singing, I'm walking home.