Sync & corrections by PetaG & momster - www.addic7ed.com -
Okay. Five-card draw poker.
You in, Cincinnati?
Of course he's in.
Come on, Rimmer. Deal the cards.
Matchsticks, nothing more.
If you think you're winning my back issues
of Morris Dancer Monthly, you've got another think coming.
Here we go!
One, two, three, four, five.
Let's see what we got!
Where are our cards?
You ain't getting any.
Without cards, we can't win.
Exactly.
What kind of game is that?
A good game!
A game I'm gonna win.
Look, let's try it another way
so that we all get five cards
and we all get a chance to win.
You might just enjoy it.
How many cards you wanna change?
None! Are you crazy?
You've got a really good hand, right?
How did you know?
- Have you never heard of a poker face? - Huh?
You get your cards and you look at them like this...
and you don't give anything away.
All right? Let's try it again.
How many cards do you wanna change?
Five!
- [BEEPING] - Sirs, we're picking up an SSL.
It's in the neighbouring vector.
Okay. Start her up.
As silky as the first day we got her.
Moon base coming up on our starboard side.
What is this place, Krytes?
Mm, according to the ident,
it's a United America scientific research station.
- United America? Who's that? - Well, at the end of the 23rd century,
America attempted to bring peace to the world
by asking every nation on Earth to sign a peace treaty.
Any nation that refused, they invaded.
Now, a war ensued that was called the War Against War.
Those countries who went to war because they were so against war,
they were prepared to go to war to fight in a war against war,
called themselves United America.
But why would these United America Johnnies
want to build a research station way out here?
By the looks of their manifest, they're loaded with tech.
Maybe we can finally fix Starbug's thruster.
I'm sick of always having to turn left.
Alrighty. Bringing her in.
There's a sandstorm coming in; 18 on the Newton scale.
Looks we're going to be stuck here for a while.
Any idea what they did here, Krytes?
Well, it appears they were testing a cure for evil, sir.
Evil? But you can't cure evil, that's ridiculous.
What did they do, hand out tubes of evil ointment?
"Gently rub into your frontal lobes when feeling psychotic."
To be honest, I've never really believed in evil.
You should try inhaling your socks sometimes!
Well, Okay.
Some people do terrible things, but not because they're evil.
It's 'cause they're mentally bonkers.
I never realised you read up on the subject, Listy.
"Mentally bonkers"? I'm struggling a bit to keep up here.
You mean, they're psychopaths.
Well, not all psychopaths kill, of course, sir.
They don't?
Most psychopaths lack empathy for others and have no remorse,
but, as a rule, they don't actually physically harm anyone.
So, what do they do, then?
Well, many go into banking.
Many others are CEOs, businessmen, lawyers, even politicians.
Ruthless men and women drawn to positions of power
and the reward that brings.
This evil cure, Kryten, any idea who they tested it on?
You think there might be wall-to-wall crazies in here,
running around rioting, screaming and stabbing people?
You make it sound like my old school!
I want all the bazookoids' safeties off, ready to fire.
All the bazookoids are back on Red Dwarf, sir.
[HE SIGHS] Have we got any guns with us?
Just your staple gun, sir.
Fill her up.
Hey, cryobooths.
Look at this.
"Vlad The Impaler, cured."
"Josef Stalin, cured."
"Messalina, cured."
"Adolf Hitler, cured"?
"Rupert Murdoch.
"Not responding to treatment."
Hitler? Isn't he dead?
I thought he died playing golf.
He was in Berlin, you goit, in a bunker.
He poisoned his partner and shot himself.
Ha, golf can do that to you!
All these people are from ancient history.
Where did they get them from?
It appears they tracked down their descendants
and then, with DNA regression technology,
travelled back down the ancestral line
via their mitochondrial DNA
and recreated them.
But Hitler didn't have any kids. His ancestral line died with him.
I read this conspiracy book once and it proposed the theory that
at the end of the Second World War,
Hitler killed his wife and his body double to make it look
as if he'd committed suicide.
Then, he snuck off to Argentina in a stolen U-boat
with art treasures looted from the museums of Europe.
Hitler, the more you hear about that guy...
The story went that when he reached Argentina, he had kids there.
Well, there's a long-held belief
that memories are indeed encoded in DNA, sir,
and passed down the ancestral line.
It explains why humans have seemingly inexplicable phobias.
- Like? - Fear of rats, for example.
Fear of rats, descendants beware; they spread bubonic plague.
- Precisely. - Fear of clowns.
Descendants beware of weird-looking children's entertainers,
they can be really dodgy!
So, who's this Messalina?
The third wife of the Roman Emperor Claudius,
possibly the most depraved, brutal
and murderous nymphomaniac in history.
Not all bad, then.
These are some of the most damaged and deranged humans who ever lived.
They're worse than the 1970s Leeds United team.
So, how did they cure these people?
In people labelled evil,
a misfiring gene has often turned empathy off.
So, they can just flick it back on like a light switch?
- As easy as that? - Hey, light switches can be tricky.
I don't always get them first time.
There's another cryobooth here.
Professor Shawl Telford.
Maybe he can help us?
I suggest we release the professor
and ask him if they have the tech here to repair the thruster.
Hey, this one is empty.
Indeed it is.
Good day, gentlemen.
Your arrival here
automatically triggered the cryobooths to release mode.
Wait, when you said we automatically triggered the cryobooths,
did you mean all the cryobooths?
You have nothing to fear.
My patients have been cured for many centuries.
Come, join us for lunch.
Let me introduce you.
Josef Stalin.
Idiots, erm... call me Joe.
Adolf Hitler.
Please, call me Dolfy.
No "mein fuhrers", that's the old me.
Messalina.
Call me, er, any time.
[ALL LAUGH]
She is such a joker.
It is so lovely for us to have guests.
Some wine? Let me be mutter.
Now, appetisers.
Pumpernickel canapes, we just got them out of cryo.
I made them myself.
Dragon fruit?
Ha-ha-ha-ha! It's a keeper.
Oh, and you must try his puddings.
Dolfy makes the most divine choux pastry.
Messy, please, you're embarrassing me. She's terrible.
Oh, sorry I'm late.
May I sit here?
Sure.
I'm Vlad The Impaler.
Ah! Are you on your own, or is there a Mrs The Impaler?
What about all the other scientists?
I mean, surely you weren't here on your own?
Well, many years ago, they sent a special task force to eliminate us,
but with our pooled skills, we managed to survive.
Why would they try to eliminate you?
A cure for evil would mean an end to war.
An end to war would mean no arms industry.
Which would mean trillions of lost dollar/pounds.
The First World economy would slump.
The Second and Third World economy would boom.
There would be no one to exploit.
Society wouldn't work any more.
Yes, they couldn't allow the end of evil to happen.
So, they marooned us here
with no hope of getting back to Earth.
But enough!
Let us eat. There is much to do.
After lunch, we must show you our engineering department.
In the meantime, a toast.
To new friends.
New friends.
Selfie!
Tea? Or as you English say,
would you like a nice cup of chow?
I'm fine, thanks.
I hope you don't mind me saying this,
but I just totally adore your jacket.
Where did you buy it?
London? Paris? New York?
I bought it in a second-hand shop on Mimas, then I painted it myself.
Nein way!
Your manipulation of the palette is dazzling.
And your use of saturated colours
to celebrate the counterculture spirit of the piece is so...
chic and fun!
That's what I was going for.
It so... works.
Did you go to art school?
Yeah.
Get out of town! I went to art school, too!
Well, I applied, but they wouldn't take me.
You probably didn't fail enough exams.
Still paint?
Not so much, since I was reincarnated.
I'm trying to explore other sides of myself.
I play guitar now.
Get out of town. I play guitar.
You are scheissing me!
We should jam sometime.
Yeah, maybe.
Are you waiting for these pieces to dry? How about now?
Look, I can't jam with you, okay?
It's because I'm Hitler, isn't it?
Look, I admit, I was evil,
but it is a disease. I am cured now. Really, I am.
What is it they say? To err is human,
forgive divine.
I can't jam with you. It's 'cause I haven't got my guitar.
I've got a bunch of guitars in my quarters!
Hi. We didn't get much of a chance to talk at lunch,
so I brought you some milk.
Don't even think about it, lady.
I know all about your murderous, poisoning, nympho, seducing ways.
So let me tell you right now,
this... is off limits.
All right.
Now, I know this is going to be hell for you,
like dangling the world's juiciest steak
in front of a starving pit-bull.
But you're just gonna have to accept the fact
that no matter how much you want it, you ain't getting it. Got it?
That's fine.
Now, I'm going to be working,
which means I may be bending down a lot.
I might even get sweaty and have to pop off my shirt.
Now, if that happens,
I suggest you fashion some sort of bib to catch the drool,
otherwise we're going to be slipping and sliding all over the place.
Look, you do not need to worry,
because I am really not interested in you.
- You're not interested? - No.
In me?!
Not in the slightest.
We are talking about me, right?
You're just, err...
not my type.
Not your type? Every type's your type.
Your type's every type. How am I not your type?
You just don't...
ping my bell.
"Ping your bell"?!
You know what, lady? They were right.
You are crazy.
[HE LAUGHS]
[RHYTHM GUITAR PLAYS]
- ♪ I like to go a-wandering ♪ - ♪ A-wandering ♪
♪ Along the mountain track ♪
♪ And as I go, I like to sing ♪
♪ My knapsack on my back ♪
- ♪ Val-derie ♪ - ♪ Val-derie ♪
- ♪ Val-dera ♪ - ♪ Val-dera ♪
- ♪ Val-derie ♪ - ♪ Val-derie ♪
♪ Val-de, hahahahahaha ♪
- ♪ Val-derie ♪ - ♪ Val-derie ♪
- ♪ Val-dera ♪ - ♪ Val-dera ♪
♪ My knapsack on my back... ♪
♪ Knapsack on my back ♪
- ♪ I like to go a-wandering ♪ - ♪ A-wandering ♪
♪ Along the mountain track ♪
♪ And as I go, I like to sing ♪
♪ My knapsack on my back ♪
- ♪ Val-derie ♪ - ♪ Val-derie ♪
- ♪ Val-dera ♪ - ♪ Val-dera ♪
- ♪ Val-derie ♪ - ♪ Val-derie ♪
♪ Val-de, ahahahahaha ♪
- ♪ Val-derie ♪ - ♪ Val-derie ♪
- ♪ Val-dera ♪ - ♪ Val-dera ♪
♪ My knapsack on my back! ♪
Thank you, deep space!
Lister, can I have a word?
Jamming with Hitler?
You think that's all right?
Can't you see what he's doing?
Before you know it, he'll have you in lederhosen
playing Tomorrow Belongs To Me.
I got carried away. I thought it was the right thing to do.
The right thing to do?
Playing soft rock with the man who caused World War II?
Playing soft rock? That's never the right thing to do.
Sirs, there isn't time to discuss this now.
Grave news, I'm afraid.
We've detected a protoplanet
which is gone to collide with this moon in less than ten hours.
We're out of here as soon as that sandstorm clears.
What about Hitler and the others? Are we going to bring them?
I think we're pretty much covered in the fascist dictator department.
They don't know anything about the protoplanet,
the thruster's fixed,
we're out of here the second the sandstorm passes,
- around three in the morning. - So, you're suggesting that we just
walk away from here and leave them to die?
No, I'm suggesting we leg it from here and leave them to die.
But that's immoral, Rimmer. That's not right, cured or not cured.
It's an ethical dilemma, sir, I'll grant you that.
We go at three, we're not taking the evils, no arguments.
- Yeah, what about Telford? - Apart from Telford.
But he won't go without everyone else.
Well, then we'll leave him, too. In fact, let's leave him, too.
I mean, having to fit a whole load of ramps all over Red Dwarf,
what a giant pain that'll be.
And why should he get the big toilet
with the snazzy red cord all to himself?
Rimmer, if we leave them to die here,
we're no better than they were.
It means we're committing an act of evil ourselves.
Look, we're taking them all.
I'm going to tell them we leave at three.
Do you know what, I don't feel that great.
I feel like I might have been...
[HE GROANS]
What do you think he was trying to say?
Do you think it might possibly have been "drugged", sir?
I think I might have been drug...
[HE SIGHS]
What's going on? What are we going to do?
I'm not sure I can help, sir.
I think my hard drive's been hacked and as we speak,
someone's closing down my files...
[VOICE SLOWS] and enabling a forced shutdown.
Am I next?
[COUGHS] Where am I?
[KNOCKING]
What's this?
[GROANS]
"A Hitler"?
He's buried me alive!
Help! Help!
This is a nightmare.
This is my worst fear ever, being buried alive.
Nothing's worse than being buried alive.
How could anything be worse than this?
Argh!
What's going on?
_
What?! No!
No! They're not cured!
What the hell?!
I hate water!
Not my clothes! They're dry clean only!
Help!
Hello? I've got no arms!
How am I gonna mop up ever again?
Kryten!
What have they done to you? Where's your head?
I don't understand sign language, Kryten.
It's no good signing slower.
I don't understand sign language. Have you lost your mind?
Come on, let's go and find the others.
Yeah, and your head.
Oh, sir! Thank goodness!
This way.
Rimmer!
Shh... listen!
- [BANGING] - Help!
I think they put him in the waste disposal.
- Help! - _
No.
I was starting to think this whole damn day couldn't get any worse,
and then you get a boost like this!
We've gotta get him out.
Get him out, are you crazy? We should seal him in!
Rimmer's locked in there.
I mean, aren't you're getting the claustrophobic sweats
just thinking about it?
No. I'm not in there, he is.
But if it was you in there,
how would you feel if you were Rimmer?
Ugly.
Get him out.
[MUTTERING] 22-89-62
That's the last time I ever trust a psychopath.
He's unconscious. He's received a blow to the head.
I think we may have interrupted his attacker.
We've been looking for you everywhere.
What happened to Telford?
- He's been attacked! - And he's not the only one.
Rimmer got buried alive,
Cat got sealed in a water tank,
I nearly had my love spuds lasered,
and Kryten woke up with his head on a stake.
Who could have done this?
It's an absolute mystery.
You think we had something to do with this?
They found his head impaled on a stake.
So, somebody's head winds up impaled on a stake,
so it's automatically got to be Vlad the Impaler?
Well, let's be fair, you have got a bit of previous.
4,000-5,000 mistakes and you never hear the last of it.
Whoever buried me alive left this behind.
"A. Hitler"
And you think that's mine?
It did cross my mind.
It's not possible...
there's an Andy Hitler?!
Or an Ainsley Hitler?!
And even if it did stand for Adolf,
that doesn't necessarily mean that it is mine.
Oh, no... that, it is mine.
Who stole my Zippo?
So, what now?
One or more of you isn't cured.
We've gotta find out who, and fix them.
How?
By employing the psychopathy scanner.
That'll tell us who the fruit loop is.
Well, wait a minute. How do we know it's not one of you guys, eh?
You think I buried myself?
Do you think I'd wave bye-bye to my two best friends?
Everybody gets tested.
Ready to commence, sir.
Processing now.
Scanning all brains.
I know who my money's on.
"Don't ping my bell."
No wonder they couldn't cure you.
Well?
There is indeed a psychopath among us.
According to the psycho scan,
they display all the tell-tale signs;
greatly reduced empathy, no remorse
and a massive sense of self-worth.
I knew it! Which one of them is it?
It's you, sir.
What?
According to this, sir, you are a psychopath.
Yeah, let me see that.
"Vain, superficial, self-centred, self obsessed,
"unaware of others' feelings, narcissistic and egotistical"?
I can't believe they haven't mentioned handsome!
A psychopath he may be, Kryten,
- but he's not the type that kills. - Mmm.
Wait, there's something else coming through now.
Must be an apology for forgetting to mention handsome.
There are two psychopaths.
One is the cat. The second is...
it's Professor Telford.
Hey, how come he's walking? I thought he needed a wheelchair.
He was faking it.
[WHIRRING]
- They're droids! - So, who are you?
United America, head of Research and Development.
I was a neuroscientist.
I brain-hacked entire populations
and made them attack themselves,
before my arrest and execution.
You were the patient. The only patient.
They were the scientists trying to cure you.
Indeed they were.
I mean, did it strike you as curious
that Hitler didn't really look very much like Hitler?
He was an android neuroscientist,
physically identical to his creator, Professor John Asquith.
I rewrote his programming.
There's one thing I don't understand.
Why didn't you leg it when we were trapped?
Well, I did, but I couldn't start Starbug.
It must have some special ignition sequence. What is it?
Ah! So, you can't go anywhere without us.
I only need one of you.
The rest of you,
are going to die.
- You! - Who, me?
You have no loyalty to them.
A cat has no fidelity to anyone but himself. Join me.
I don't care what the damn scan says. We're the posse!
- Boys from the Dwarf. - Yeah!
- No one's changing sides here. - Uh-uh!
- I'll give you anything that you want. - Sounds good!
Cat, man!
Hey, I'm a cat. It's my nature! I can't help it!
You heard him; I have no fidelity.
Well, in that case, sir, why be on his side?
- Be on ours. - Okay.
I'll give you anything that your heart desires
if you join me and show me how the ship starts.
OK, deal!
I'll give you anything your heart desires
plus a special secret surprise if you join us.
I love secret surprises!
They're not going to be giving you anything
'cause pretty soon, they're going to be dead.
In fact, let me prove it to you by killing them one by one.
No, wait!
I'm with you, but I get to do it.
Hmm?
Can I trust you?
Can I?
Really?
I'm a psychopath, ain't I? You and me both.
What more do you need?
I'm starving. Let's eat.
You shot him!
How was that for a pokey face, huh?
It's poker face!
I only have to know how to do it, not say it.
Sync & corrections by PetaG & momster - www.addic7ed.com -
♪ It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere ♪
♪ I'm all alone, more or less ♪
♪ Let me fly far away from here ♪
♪ Fun, fun, fun ♪
♪ In the sun, sun, sun ♪
♪ I want to lie shipwrecked and comatose ♪
♪ Drinking fresh mango juice ♪
♪ Goldfish shoals nibbling at my toes ♪
♪ Fun, fun, fun ♪
♪ In the sun, sun, sun ♪
♪ Fun, fun, fun ♪
♪ In the sun, sun, sun. ♪
♪ Yeah! ♪