Wow, new apartment's really comin' together.
I mean, pretty much.
Murph, I finished building the bed.
Do you wanna help me break it in?
Yes, please.
Be gentle. I didn't follow the instructions
and there's a lot of screws left over.
Oh.
- Is this new? - Old actually.
- Like vintage? - Like I got it five years ago.
We weren't together five years ago.
My boyfriend at the time got it for me.
You're seducing me in another man's lingerie?
First off, it's my lingerie, and second off,
what do you want me to do? Burn my underwear
every time I break up with a guy?
Yeah.
Okay, well I don't really see the big deal 'cause I washed it.
Ugh. What did you wash off it?
Look, lingerie is expensive. Okay?
I wear it twice a year for like two minutes.
Do you realize the cost per use ratio on that?
I'm passing it down to my grandkids.
You don't see me using any of my ex's stuff.
We literally use your ex's Netflix account.
Okay, well the moment your lingerie can play
all three seasons of Hemlock Grove, we'll talk.
I don't understand what the problem is.
I have a whole box of stuff from exes.
- I thought that was an Xbox. - No, sorry.
There is a PlayStation in there.
It was my ex Danny's.
Well, I refuse to hook it up.
How could you move in with me
when you're clearly clinging to your past?
You're the one clinging to my past.
Who is this jerk and why did you go to prom with him?
His name is Trevor, and we barely got to second base.
You realize you're jealous of a fourteen year old boy right now?
You realize you're keeping a picture
- of a kid who touched your boobs? - Fine.
If you really wanna burn this teensy-weensy little box
of random mementos from my life to soothe your fragile ego,
be my guest.
Okay.
Huh.
That didn't work like it does in tv shows.
- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -
I'm not clinging to the past.
I'm cherishing the memories.
Of Trevor's clammy hands struggling to unclasp your bra.
Anyways, maybe a little jealousy is a good thing,
ya know? Some fire, some passion.
Otherwise, we'd be like that couple.
Great work.
It is so nice to support authentic urban art.
Ah, the Shady Monk Tavern.
Shall we go inside and split a daiquiri for old time's sake?
I dunno, Seth.
The twins have a flute recital tomorrow,
and I haven't even started the finger sandwiches.
So, tomorrow is slammed for me.
- Seth? - Beth?
What's up you dirty dongs?
I haven't seen you guys since you moved up to the 'burbs.
Cooper from undergrad.
- Well met, old friend. - Wow.
Blast from the past.
What kinda trouble you sick bastards gettin' into tonight, huh?
- Trouble? - You hittin' the bottle?
You guys gonna get nasty in the bathroom?
- We used to party so hard. - Yeah.
So, actually we're gonna be hittin' the 9: 00 train home,
and if we get nasty,
it's gonna be after we tuck in our two beautiful twin daughters.
- They play the flute. - That's lame.
- What? - Listen if you guys
do decide to nut up,
I am throwin' a rager tonight at my loft.
- See you there? - Okay.
- Beth, have we gotten lame? - Of course not, Seth.
Don't you remember that dinner party we threw,
and I added little pickles to the charcuterie...
Yes, Seth, I believe we have gotten lame.
Ya know what?
To heck with the 9: 00 train.
We've got a sitter. Let's get wild tonight...
- undergrad wild. - Undergrad?
Nevermind, it's mildly crowded. Come, Beth.
Seth,
you know your wife has never had a hard time
getting a bartender's attention.
- Oh my. - Hat's off.
Can I help you?
- Beer and a shot of whiskey please. - Oh.
- And you? - Okay, so we would absolutely...
- Shot of whiskey and a beer. - ... love.
Okay. Scusi!
Perdon, do you do half karafs?
I'm gonna take that to be a no.
Right here, right in front of you...
Woman who you keep missing.
Hi. Hi.
Hi.
Take my purse.
Listen up you ragamuffin,
I have been here longer than any of these people.
I used to dance on this bar.
I used to get nasty in that bathroom.
I have gotten into a few scrapes with a few fellas,
and I am not afraid to add a few more.
I'm sorry, what can I get you?
We would love to see a wine list.
We have whiskey and we have beer.
Oh, okay.
Water's good then, thanks.
- Just two waters. - No ice for this guy.
Yes, it hurts his tummy.
_
How was it?
- How was the bathroom? - Yep.
Really good, actually.
The sink had a bunch of seashells on it.
- I felt like The Little Mermaid. - I read your phone
- and saw that you were texting your ex. - Oh my God.
I know, right? You texting your ex and not telling me about it?
"Happy birthday, dude."
- Flirtatious. - First off,
you think I'm cheating on you with a guy I call dude?
I see you're also following this so-called dude on Instagram.
This is an egregious breech of privacy.
- And you liked one of his picture. - Yeah, well,
I liked that photo because it's a picture of his dog,
- and I like his dog. - You must like his dog
quite a bit because his dog has his own account,
which you are also following.
Aww, look at that good boy playing at the beach.
I don't see a dog playing on the beach,
I see a woman obsessed with the past.
Okay, well I can be friends with an ex
if the breakup was mutual.
Mutual breakups are a lie perpetuated by dumpers
- so they don't have to feel bad. - Typical dumpee.
Fine, ya know what? We'll compromise.
I can keep following the dog,
but I will unfollow a couple other random exes
that I don't need in my life anyways like
this schmuck who just had a baby
that looks weirdly like John Malkovich,
and his wife is so buff for having just given birth because...
She's a pro wrestler.
- Oh my God, I need to follow her. - Emily!
I'm sorry! Exes are fascinating.
Fine. If you won't budge
- then I'll look up my exes. - Good.
- I think you should. - Okay.
My ex Bridget just posted a picture
at a bar down the street.
Maybe I'll comment and see if she wants to meet up.
Yeah, you should. I think it sounds like a fine idea.
- It is a fine idea. - I am perfectly fine with that.
I mean, realistically, she's not gonna respond
- to an Instagram comment while she's out. - Definitely not.
I'm just gonna stop by and say hello.
Okay, well have fun with your friend!
She's my ex, not my friend.
_
Welcome back to the Bachelorette Rebound.
Tonight Amy will decide which of these lucky contestants
she'll sleep with for two weeks
then ghost because she still has feelings for her ex, but first,
Amy must decide which of these suitors
she'll keep around on this emotional rollercoaster.
Have you made your choice?
I have, Chip.
Lorn, we've been friends for ten years.
You helped me move into my first apartment
and comforted me when my mom was sick,
now I'm considering throwing that all away by hooking up with you.
I actually don't care about our friendship.
I've been trying to sleep with you for the past ten years.
Convenient.
Will you
let me string you along while I sort out my shit.
I would love to ruin our relationship with sex.
Another friendship ruined on the Bachelorette Rebound.
She kept Lorn?
I hate Lorn.
Wait, a twist?
My ex just commented on my picture.
Bartender, can I get two shots?
I have a friend coming.
Hey Bridget, remember me?
Sending that to Emily.
Murph, of course. I saw your comment.
I got us shots,
but then I drank them.
So I, like, ordered two more,
and then I drank them.
- Are you here by yourself? - No.
Could you imagine? Like, what a loser!
Actually, I was, like, here with this guy and then we got into, like,
this screaming fight and he left.
I see not much has changed since we were dating.
Would it be gross if I ate in front of you?
- Uh, no. - So, this isn't gross?
Let's try this again. How are you, Bridget?
I'm trying to reconnect with my past,
and I thought that
- maybe we could catch up. - I'm terrible.
All of my friends have boyfriends,
if you can actually even call those bitches my friends.
- You're still surrounded by drama. - It's like...
Actually though, if you can't handle me at my best,
you don't deserve me at my worst.
I'm just like really glad that you're here.
- Can we get a couple waters? - Why? Am I getting you hot?
- Bridget, I'm dating someone. - Yeah, I know.
Like, me too, but he's, like, such a dick.
I just, like, hate guys.
Well, maybe you need to slow down and
take a little time for yourself.
Wait,
yes.
You are so right.
I need to stop doing all these shitty guys and start doing me.
Yeah.
You know what? I'm actually glad
I could offer you a little friendly advice.
It's like really turning me on
- that you're being nice to me. - Okay, that backfired.
- I told Emily this would be weird. - Why?
- Is it because I'm ugly? - No, no. Not at...
- you look really good. - It's just like,
actually, honest to God Murph,
why would you contact an ex out of the blue
- if you didn't wanna hook up. - See, that's what I said!
Bridget, I wanted to apologize.
- Who's this guy? - It's my ex, Brad.
I'm hanging out with my ex.
- That's shady. - Thank you.
I was just having this conversation with my girlfriend and...
ah no, I'm agreeing with crazy people.
Sorry dude.
Oh my God, that was hot. Brad, wait.
Brad, wait.
Stay away from me, Bridget.
Brad, like, what do you even want here.
You say you don't wanna be my boyfriend
and then you get all jealous.
I just don't wanna get hurt again.
I won't hurt you.
That's what Marissa said.
She ended up cheating on me with some guy she met at a ren fair.
That is, like, actually awful, but it is not your fault.
Then why does it keep happening?
It's like one minute everything's great,
and then the next minute I'm catching her getting
bent over a saddle rack by the stable boy.
That was one girl, Brad.
- That was a different girl. - Oh.
Marissa did the green knight,
Denise banged the stable boy,
and Allison left me for a bard.
So, you've had like several people
cheat on you at ren fairs?
Aye.
Oh my God.
Okay, how 'bout this?
I promise,
pro-mi-se,
I will not cheat on you.
- Not with the minstrel? - No.
- Or the falcon? - No.
What about the guy who carves gargoyles and says
"Hey Nonny Nonny" and believes in dragons?
Look, Brad.
You need to stop living in the past, like the 1400s.
Like, you need to stop going to ren fairs.
I can't.
Have you ever paid $15
to be knighted by a guy pretending to be the king?
Of course I haven't, that sounds fucking stupid.
It's an honor,
and if I have to choose between a relationship and the ren life...
- Oh God there's even more of it. - I've gotta live that ren life.
You know what? I, like,
really wanted this to work out because I thought it was, like,
super hot when you punched my ex,
but now that I know you're a friggin' dork,
I'm like kinda fine with this. So, boy, bye.
Look.
My boyfriend is hanging out with his ex.
They're friends.
It's healthy.
Ya know, we're healthy like that.
His exes are like not a big deal, ya know?
I might text my own ex.
'Cause that's healthy.
_
Is it cool if I have a panic attack in your bathroom.
Sure, but someone's been in there
for like 10 minutes already.
Seth, look, they still have the seashell sink.
Oh, and this mirror. Hello, old friend.
I've been pushed up against this on more than one occasion.
Well, I can't drink on account of my sour tummy,
but I can still publicly fornicate.
- Oh. - Oh sorry.
Where did those muscles come from?
Mm. Oh.
Seth, before this goes any further...
There's something going around at school,
and I don't want the twins getting sick.
Oh God, it smells like spring rain.
Mm, Seth.
- Oh, Beth. - Oh, Seth,
actually be careful with your Chinos on the floor
'cause you do need those for the tree dedication ceremony.
Oh.
Are Dan and Ericka picking us up or are we driving?
Hurry up!
And, there goes my erection.
It's okay, Seth.
I'm gonna paint a picture for you. How 'bout that?
- Okay. - Me, buck naked
sitting on that chaise lounge you've been eyeing.
The one from West Elm?
Mid Century modern with an antique finish.
Oh the very same.
It's not even on sale, we bought it at full price.
Oh you dirty girl.
And the kids, they're away at school.
Oh yeah.
- And by school, I mean Princeton. - Oh.
Even though they both got full-rides at Amherst and Duke.
- Oh. - Yeah, now we're getting somewhere.
That's my Seth.
I'm sorry, Beth. I can't do this.
Seth, come on. We've gotta prove we can still hang.
Plus, we've already committed to paying the babysitter
time and a half, and she's not gonna let us outta that.
She's a real cunt.
You're right, Beth.
Let's go to Cooper's rager.
Oh, Seth.
I'm gonna kick your fucking ass.
Perhaps, we leave out the window.
I'm just really confused, Jaden.
Me and my ex just broke up.
Also, I'm sleeping with two other guys on national television.
Don't cut Jaden, he's a school teacher slash student double.
Hey it's Murph. Leave a message.
Hey babe.
Just callin' to talk.
Seein' where you at.
Okay. Quick update, I am throwing out the ex box.
Not because you were right.
Just because I needed to make room for some stuff.
Um, any hoo, let me know when you're coming back
or if you are cheating on me;
in which case, I'll go ahead and throw out your stuff too.
Okay, bye.
Goodbye Dean Demarco,
Ashton Claypool,
Doug... I think.
Okay, whatever.
Amy, I know this has been
a difficult decision. You've been thinking about this for minutes now.
Have you come to a conclusion?
I have.
Jaden, this is the end of our journey.
I still really admire your dedication to children and stunts.
Please leave.
So anyone can just plug in their phone,
put on a playlist, and call themselves a DJ?
- Yeah. - Fascinating.
Cooper from undergrad.
You guys can just call me Cooper.
Do you have any drugs?
- Like heroin? - No. No, no, no.
- That's 3 or 4 steps too far. - No, no, no.
- Like marijuana? - Oh.
Hell yeah. I got some weed.
I got vapes, drops, oils, lozenges.
I even got this foam that you just rub into your skin.
- Oh. - Oh.
I'll try the computer cigarette.
The Vaporhighzer 2.0, excellent choice.
- Now, you'll wanna hold it like this... - Right.
Thank you, but I think I remember how to smoke marijuana.
So, thank you...
I don't remember how to smoke marijuana.
Yeah. You just press down the button
and then gently turn the crank,
and then an orange light will come on.
The whole thing'll vibrate,
and then the Kush is ready.
I'll try the foam.
There's that light, little vibration...
Oh my goddess.
It's all so clear.
We're not lame,
- you are. - What?
You guys must be gettin' pretty stoned.
What are you doing hanging out
with 20 year olds, we're like 40?
This apartment is a trash heap.
You definitely have a mold problem.
There's dishes in the sink.
You invited people over and you have dishes in the sink.
You guys are like the meanest stoners.
Hun, let's hit up the train home.
Can we get nasty in the bathroom?
I'd rather get nasty in our California king Posturepedic.
Oh that sounds good on the lumbar.
Let's get outta here.
I'm just gonna take this.
I'm just gonna borrow this for ever.
Oh my God what happened?
I had to stop by urgent care.
Things got weird, like I said they would.
I'm sorry.
You were right.
- I threw out the ex box. - No, I'm sorry.
I mean, I have no reason not to trust you.
I was acting crazy.
Aw, you kind of were.
Yeah, I mean, like, we would never cheat on each other.
When Bridget hit on me, I wasn't even the slightest bit tempted.
She hit on you?
Come out, bitch.
Ow, oh, that didn't work.
Actually though, what are you doing?
The Bachelorette Rebound marathon is almost over
and Amy's about to choose her bachelor.
Oh crap, really?
Okay, come on.
We're going inside?
Amy, we are down to your last two suitors.
Tucker and Lorn.
It's time to make your final decision.
I choose...
... both of you.
I'd love to sort of half date you at the same time
until it blows up in all our faces.
Will you be my rebounds?
- Yeah. - Yes.
Well, there you have it, folks.
Another exciting conclusion
to the Bachelorette Rebound.
It's the end of the night.
- Some found love... - Oh, hun.
- Oh, hun.
Oh, hun. Oh, shh, the twins.
- Oh, hun. - Oh, hun.
Some found heartbreak,
but most importantly, we've all found the strength
to move on.
Still can't believe she didn't choose Jaden.
Wait, like actually though, he was my favorite.
Okay, can we all agree that this is weird?
- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -