Just a few more questions.
- Still single? - Yes.
Okay. Any recent sexual partners?
No.
All righty, any chance you might be pregnant?
- No. - Are you planning on becoming pregnant?
Because at 30, you have five more years
before it's considered a geriatric pregnancy.
I'm sorry, can we just get to the exam?
These questions are making me feel bad about myself.
Sure, sure.
I've had this on ice all morning.
I'm just kidding.
But it's probably gonna be pretty cold.
Now just relax.
Third through fifth grade teachers, here are
your materials for this week's standardized tests.
- Welcome to hell. - These tests are racist.
They're biased towards privileged white males.
- I always did well on them. - Yeah, you're white.
Nice try. My spray tan artist says I'm Tuscan buff.
Well, they're state mandated.
And I have enough problems already.
Some hipster parents heard on NPR that their kids
can opt out of the tests if they write a note.
- Who cares if they opt out? - All of us should.
If less students take the tests,
it could skew our results downward and we'll lose funding.
Whatever. These kids are middle class.
They can bring supplies from home.
And you'll lose your merit-based pay.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, I can't afford
to have my salary reduced.
I've only had two of eight full-body
laser hair removal treatments.
That's why it's imperative that we keep this a secret.
Ms. Cannon, you'll be monitoring the multipurpose room
where the opt-out students will be separated
- from the general population. - Don't you think
- that's just gonna mean... - That's enough.
I expect us all to comply for the good of Fillmore.
This isn't a democracy.
Why's your hair out of place?
You slut!
Did a big old barge finally come through your Panama Canal?
No, as I'm being reminded for the 13th time today,
I have not had sex in a really long time!
You and me both, sister.
I was at the gynecologist.
When he found out I was turning 30,
he went on about how time was running out for me
if I want to have a child.
He actually said "tick-tock" as he swiped my cervix.
A male gynecologist?
Ooh, I don't trust a man who looks at my vagina
- and doesn't get turned on. - Don't worry, Caroline,
you're still young.
You have plenty of time to have kids.
No, I don't. According to my life plan,
I was supposed to be married last year,
have conceived nine months ago, and be giving birth this month.
I'm not even dating anyone!
Your plan is that specific?
Yeah. Not all of us are going to get pregnant
from sitting in a hot tub.
Okay, first of all, it was a Jacuzzi.
And second of all, the doctor said it was just gas
from all of the champagne.
I should have just frozen some of my eggs
when I donated back in college.
Wait, you donated your eggs?
I thought that was just for unattractive people
who couldn't strip their way through law school.
I had to. My father cut me off from my trust fund
for a semester when I dated a Democrat.
Well, ladies, as much as this conversation has reaffirmed
my belief in assisted suicide,
we have to go turn children into mindless testing robots.
So sad about Ms. Cabot.
- I can't believe she died. - Who?
Ms. Cabot. She taught third grade.
The same grade as you.
Ohh!
It was just so unexpected.
- Wasn't she like 90? - Exactly.
I really had gotten to know her these last couple of years.
I'm gonna miss her stories about atom bomb drills.
Who's gonna get all of her stuff?
I don't know. They tried calling her emergency contacts,
but they've all been dead since the Nixon administration.
There's probably some pretty valuable stuff in here.
Looks like a ton of junk to me.
You couldn't pay me to shovel this shit into a dumpster fire.
With all respect to the deceased, of course.
Great job cutting and gluing, everybody.
I'm sure the older kids taking the tests
appreciate how quiet you're being.
Samantha, how are you enjoying your first week at Fillmore?
It's nice, but not as clean as my old school.
Is that a baby Lysol?
Cute. You can never get a place spotless with kids around.
Tell me about it.
Oh, I love your pencil bag.
Thanks, I embroidered it myself.
Not enough people appreciate paisley.
I couldn't agree more.
Okay, guys, clear off your desks
and take out your number two pencils.
What about our "Real Housewives" projects?
No, we won't be able to discuss
Vicki Gunvalson's control issues this week.
We have to do things that are mandated by the state.
- What is this? - My mom heard on the radio
- I don't have to take this. - Shh!
The others will hear you.
Just go to the multipurpose room
and do not talk to anyone on your way there.
Okay?
Hey, where's she going?
She's gone to a better place.
Deb, what are you doing?
You said all of her emergency contacts were dead.
- This stuff is gonna go to waste. - So you're stealing it?
Proverbs 29:24: He who is a partner with a thief
hates his own life.
He hears the oath but tells nothing.
I don't know how to respond to that.
I'm shaming you, Deb!
Her body is barely cold and you're putting her things
in a garbage bag like the Hamburglar.
You're right.
I'm gross. I'll put everything back.
Thank you.
Oh, for future reference,
that Bible stuff doesn't work on me.
But the Hamburglar?
That really hit home.
Thanks for letting me borrow your labeler.
I kept putting my crayons in my markers box,
and it's driving me bananas.
No problem.
Did anyone want to present their family tree?
- I do! - Samantha? Go ahead.
This is me and my dad, Eric, and his mom and dad,
- Bill and Doris. - Why is there
a big question mark next to your mom's side?
Because I don't know who my biological mom is.
She gave her eggs to my parents
because they couldn't have a baby.
I'm sorry, what?
No, my headband.
That's okay, I brought my emergency headband.
She's my daughter.
I think it's a world peace button.
Boop.
Okay, go explore your freedom, boys.
Hey, Eliza left this in my class.
I have to remove all signs of her
so the other kids stop asking where she went.
Wow, this place is great.
Yes. This is life in a test-free world,
where students are free to express themselves,
not be judged by how well they can fill in a bubble.
Ms. Snap, we're having the best time.
This morning, I learned how to play the didgeridoo.
And now I'm writing a play about Cesar Chavez.
Oh, that is wonderful!
But if you see any of your classmates,
don't say anything to them.
Ms. Snap is getting laser hair removal
and they haven't gotten to the hedges growing next
to my back door, if you know what I mean.
Mr. and Mrs. Schmidt,
I just wanted to let you know that Samantha
is adjusting to Fillmore wonderfully.
- Oh. - I know it's only been a week
and I'm not supposed to say this,
but she's my favorite student.
That's so great to hear.
We were nervous about making such a big move
halfway through the school year.
Where exactly did you move from?
- Connecticut. - I knew it!
I mean, I am from there as well,
and you always recognize a fellow Connecticuter.
Absolutely.
Now, there was something I wanted to talk to you about.
- Oh. - We were recently working
on family trees and Samantha told me something interesting.
Now I don't want to get this wrong,
but I think she said something about an egg,
giving an egg, she definitely mentioned an egg.
Yes, we used an egg donor.
We've been very open with her about that.
Connecticut egg donor.
I see.
You know, when I was little,
I went to a polo camp in Vermont.
We learned sportsmanship and got to spend time
with other children of a certain ilk.
It was magical.
Maybe you could send my child there, too.
I'm sorry, your child?
Oh, I call all the children in the class mine.
I'm very passionate about my job.
Okay.
Hey, I just wanted to say I'm sorry again
for trying to rob Ms. Cabot.
Dude! Are you serious?
You made me feel like shit and then you did the same thing!
I most certainly did not.
I took my friend's belongings that she would have
wanted me to have.
Why would she want you to have her stuff?
Because I actually knew her.
I knew her, too!
We used to have this great inside joke
where she'd be walking down the hall and I'd be behind her
and she'd be going really slow
and then I'd yell, "For Christ sakes, move!"
That just sounds like you were being rude.
Whatever. I loved Ms. Abbot.
- Cabot. - Right!
I miss her. Now give me some of her stuff.
No!
You're like Grimace.
Trying to have all the shakes for yourself.
Damn! That always gets me.
Fine, we need someone fair and impartial to mediate this.
Come on.
Hey, do you know where Eliza went?
I heard she's in a place where you make sock puppets,
eat oatmeal cream pies for breakfast,
and slide down rainbows covered in glitter.
You mean a land where kids aren't made to do word problems
by the government?
Ms. Snap, I wanna go to the happy place
where there are no tests!
There is no such place.
Anyway, sometimes in life
you have to do stuff that you don't want to.
I don't wanna remove hair from every part of my body,
but apparently, one of my ancestors
mated with a yeti and I have to.
Okay, fine.
There is a way to get out of taking...
Students,
I know you all have been working hard,
and I urge you in the coming days
to forge ahead for the glory of Fillmore.
That is all.
Ms. Snap.
What were you going to say?
I can't.
He's always watching.
So I pulled Ms. Cabot's file like you asked.
I'm gonna quiz you on her personal information.
Whoever gets the most right gets all her stuff.
Question number one.
Mary-Louise, where was Ms. Cabot born?
Omaha, Nebraska.
Oh, I'm sorry. That's incorrect.
Deb for the steal?
Uh...
The correct answer
- was Leawood, Kansas. - What?
Deb, where did Ms. Cabot get her teaching certificate?
Pass. Aren't there any true-or-false ones in there?
Ooh, no, I'm sorry. There are not.
- Mary-Louise for the steal. - The Teacher Training Institute
for Unmarried Women in Sioux City.
- Oh, incorrect. - No, it's not.
The answer is the Iowa State Normal School.
- No, it's... - Yes, it is, duh.
I got the answers right here.
Deb, how many dependents does Ms. Cabot have?
- I don't know, one? - Zero.
Dudes, this just isn't fun anymore.
I don't normally criticize people
'cause I'm rolling through the school day on a snack cake high,
but I gotta say, this is really pathetic.
The two of you are acting like vultures.
I really thought I knew her.
Clearly, neither of us deserve her stuff.
We're garbage people.
I'll put everything back.
I think that's the right thing to do.
Samantha, are you left-handed?
- No. - Oh, thank God.
Hey, Caroline, do you have any more
industrial-sized garbage bags?
I need to return Ms. Cabot's things to her room.
Oh, sure. They're in my supply closet
under "G" for "garbage bags."
Samantha, uh-uh. You didn't push your chair in.
I expect that kind of behavior from the other students,
but not you.
We don't do that. Thank you.
You sure you should be treating her differently?
You know, putting her desk next to yours?
How dare you tell me how to parent!
Get out of here!
And remember, Fillmore's future
does not depend on you as an individual,
but on your collective efforts.
Persevere. That is all.
My eyes hurt from reading.
Why can't we go to the bathroom?
I can't let anyone go now that we've started.
Hey.
I wanted to see how you were holding up.
Not good. My students are, like, losing their will to live.
There's plenty of space in the multipurpose room.
I can't. My salary is gonna get cut
if my scores aren't high enough.
This is killing me. I mean,
I know I'm a little bit selfish, but I do have a heart.
Remember when I started that surprise GoFundMe,
encouraging my cousin to have a nose job?
This situation is almost as bad as her nose was.
And her nose was really bad.
I think I can help.
I can't free them all,
but I bet I could smuggle one out in my art cart.
Give me your tired, your poor,
your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.
That is beautiful. Did you make that up?
No, it's on the Statue of Liberty.
Uh, I loved her in "Ghostbusters."
Thanks for the ice cream.
You're the nicest teacher I've ever had.
Thank you. I just hope you weren't too full
- from the lunch I packed you. - No, no.
It was great. I love the note you left on my napkin.
- Oh. - Can I go play?
- Samantha. - May I go play?
Yes, you may.
Hey, where'd you get that ice cream?
Ms. Watson got it for me.
That's 'cause you're the teacher's pet.
- No, I'm not. - Teacher's pet! Teacher's pet!
- Give it back! - Henry.
- Teacher's pet! Teacher's pet! - Stop!
- Teacher's pet! Teacher's pet! - Henry, stop that.
- Give it back! - Leave my daughter alone!
What?
You're welcome to come to church with me and repent
- if you still feel guilty. - No thanks.
I feel bad but not bad enough to waste a Sunday.
RIP, Ms. Cabot.
Feldman?
"Antiques Roadshow," here I come, y'all.
What were you thinking?
I had to spend two hours comforting the Schmidts,
who were deeply disturbed.
Samantha is not your daughter.
Excuse me, but I have seen every episode of "Law & Order,"
and if there's one thing I know,
it's that a mother always knows her child.
They keep in touch with their egg donor!
Okay? Her name is Brooke
and she's an anesthesiologist in New Haven.
But I was so sure.
I guess I just got excited about the possibility
of having a child because I feel like I'm running out of time.
I don't wanna be like Ms. Cabot, you know?
Without somebody to come get my things.
I do know.
I always wanted to be a father,
but I could never convince Roberta.
And now I'm all alone and she's expecting twins
with a blue jean mogul.
I feel like I'm running out of time, too.
Okay, I'm sorry. I can't listen to you complain about this.
You're a man. You could be a hundred years old,
paralyzed from the neck down and still get somebody pregnant.
I'm 29. In this culture, I'm practically dead.
- That's not true. - Yes, it is!
Do you have any idea what it's like to deal
with a constant barrage of people asking you
if you're married or have kids yet?
Because apparently, that's what makes you a legitimate woman
in this country.
Do you think I wanna be like this?
I don't! But when it comes down to it,
women's bodies are operating on an unfair timeline.
We're still programmed to be given away
at 14 years old for a couple of sheep,
and turn geriatric by the age of 35.
So I'm sorry, Toby,
but you're not running out of time.
I am.
I apologize. You're right.
I can't tell you that you've got plenty of time.
But I can tell you that your unnatural attachment
to that child proves that someday
you will be a wonderful mother.
Thank you.
That actually makes me feel a little better.
Good.
Well, now that that's cleared up.
I think you can see that your actions were a little...
Over the top, yeah.
I was gonna say demented.
- Would you like coffee? - No. This isn't a thing.
Okay.
If anyone stops us, don't make a sound.
- Okay. - We'll miss you, Colin.
But there's a better life for you out there
and you have to do it.
For all of us.
It's time.
Watch out for the charcoals.
Ms. Cannon.
What are you doing in the test-taking zone?
Oh, I was just bringing Chelsea
some more number two pencils.
Very well. As you were.
Oh, Ms. Cannon.
Just one more question.
If you're just delivering pencils,
then why did you bring the entire art cart?
What's under there?
- Where's your note? - Run, Colin!
Tell the others they only need a note
to get out of taking the test! Run!
We don't have to take the test!
You just need a note to be free!
Well, I hope you're happy.
We've most certainly lost our funding
with this many opt-outs.
School should be a place where children are free to grow,
not spend their days taking some oppressive tests.
- True dat. - I'm surprised at you, Ms. Snap.
Aren't you concerned about your merit-based pay?
Of course. I'm always thinking about myself.
That's why I bribed my smartest students with candy
not to opt out.
I got all the teachers to do the same.
Fillmore is gonna have the best scores in the district.
Your self-serving nature never ceases to amaze me.
Ooh. These are gonna be so smooth.
Mm. Thanks again, guys.
Oh, yeah.
And so will this.
And this.
Oh, and these bad boys are gonna be gone.
- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -