Previously on "weeds"...
My daughteris not modeling fat clothes.
She's fantastic.
I have a job interview.
Who's rejecting you today?
After my uncle paid her,jade took me into a room...
shh!
You're adorable,but I'm not attracted to you.
- Heylia? - Joseph.
I'd very muchlike to see you.
These are ourpot-growin' armenian neighbors.
I have this problem.
I've got toget back to work.
It's a raid.
****We got to hide it all!
The daring raidtook place late last night...
- you got me a neighborhood.N- I did.
Keep him awayfrom my daughter.
She meets your son,she starts smoking pot,and she's having abortions.
Just drive.
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Weeds Season 2 Episode 06
Silas. Come on.
You can't stay locked in there forever.
At least come out and ignore me.
Or let lupita refuse to change your sheets.
Go away.
I want to talk.
Come out and talk to me.
Hello?
We got trouble in little armenia.
Would it kill you to say good morning when you call?
I ain't so sure it's a good morning. The dea...
the dea knocked over some grow houses near our spot. Who was on shift?
Sanjay.
- You hear from him?N- No,but --
just meet me over here. We gonna go in together.
Okay. I'll be there soon.
Somethin' ain't right.
What happened?
Ahhh! Don't shoot!
Oh. Hi.
Hang on,okay? I've got a call.
- Hello?N- What the fuck happened?!
We t hought we were being busted.
We tried to flush the weed.
You think a houseful of weed is like a dime bag in the boys' room at church camp?
I'm hindu.
- We?Who's we?N- Andy.
- Where is he?N- I don't know.
He just yelled,"out of my way,brownie," and ran off.
Where the fuck is my mother?
Andy had it.
Listen,I have to go.
My mom is probably flipping out.
Go.Go.Go.Go.
What,no raid?
Motherfucker.
I think we need a panic room.
What'd you do?
We can't see out,okay?
And there were sirens and helicopters,so I panicked.
If we had a panic room,I wouldn't have panicked.
Why does my plant smell funny?
Because I saved it.
By the way,I'm a little freaked out over here.
Thought I was going to jail.
Look at this face.
Smells like piss. Did you piss on my plant?
No,I did not piss on your plant.
I watered it with my urine.
- You what?N- I was saving her life.
Not only did I provide moisture when she was dry,but I wrapped her precious roots in my good hoodie,so...
you're welcome.
You pissed in my plant.
Pee has nitrogen in it.
Man,that's good for plants.
Not when it's concentrated,like in pee.
It wasn't concentrated.
I drank seven bottles of water.
I know the importance of staying hydrated,man.
Is this bad for us? Did he hurt our plant with his pee?
See?
That is a little bit of mein her.
Why do you never know when to shut up?
Get her back in some soil and see if she'll take root again.
If she does,we're okay,right?
Heucked up our lights.
You better hope that the rest of them plants are okay.
I'm gonna go clip some clones and get us back on track.
At least we're still in business,right?
We could all bein the hoosegow right now.
No,we couldn'T. We were finetill you trashed the place.
I'm gonna go check the potty,see if any of the other clonesare salvageable.
Yeah,you do that.
Nice.
You look adorable,honey.
Isn't this exciting?
Yeah,it is.
What are you doing here?
Well,this is nowour only source of income,so I'm protecting our assets.
Excuse me. The hair is all wrong.
She has a small headon a large body.
Don't let the moon facefool you.
She needs her big hairto balance things out.
This iswhat the director wants.
Well,the directordoesn't realize that isabelhas a freakishly small head.
Mom. I am looking outfor your best interest.
Excuse me.
she won't look like a pinhead.
I don't needthese negative vibes.
Well,that hairdresser should bestyling hair at the circus.
You want to have a gowith makeup next just to guaranteethat she's fired?
Well,the makeup is terrible,too.
I mean,who givesan 11-year-old blow-job lips?
What seemsto be the problem?
The problem is that they don'tknow how to style my daughter.
Why is it that all you gay menhate women so much?
Because we have motherslike you.
Okay,you,the hair.
Security,the mother.
I beg your pardon?
I want her off my set.
Control freak.
Horror show.
I love show business.
Thought I hearda chicken sneeze singing polly wolly doodleall the day
fare thee well,fare thee well Fare thee well,my fairy fay
stop!
lou'sianafor to see my susi-anna singing polly wolly doodle all the day
you have to stop!
Yeah,yeah. Stop.
Not till silas comes out.
This is my invasionof panama.
Like when we got the canal?
Now,what do they teach youin school?
How to passthe weekly standardized tests to get the schoolmore funding.
Okay,kiddo,home schooling.
Uh,in the '80s,panama was ruled by a man with bad skinnamed manuel noriega
who used to be ourpuppet leader but then wasn'T.
So as the U.S.Always seems to do when we have a president namedbush,we invaded his country.
Now,then noriega hid outin the vatican embassy,but we couldn't storm in there'cause the pope would freak,
so instead we blasted rock musicat the building till it drove him so crazythat he surrendered.
Silas is your mom's noriega,and "polly wolly doodle"is her rock 'n' roll.
Wow.
Now I'm tired again.
Did noriega have acousticnoise-canceling headphones?
Because silas does,and I don't,and now I'm going mental.
Go to your...
mediocre publicschool before you're late.
Is it okayif I stay after school for a little bit?
I joined the debate club.
What brought that on?
I don't know. I thoughtit'd be fun to debate and stuff.
Well,good for you.
- Have fun.N- Thanks.
Silas,come out,please.
I'm trying to help you.
Oh,god damn it.
- What can I do to help you?N- Buy him a car.
- I want a car.N- No.
So,how's business?
I'm not gonna talk with youabout this.
Not so hot?
Jeez,nancy,if you can't rakeit in dealing drugs,then --
- I swear.N- Come on.
Stop thinking of me like a kid.
Fine. Business is fine.Thank you.
So,is it just weed?
- Just weed.N- Why?
Because I think...
coke and meth are...
Dangerous drugsthat destroy lives.
I think pot-smokingis basically a victimless crime,although I don't want yousmoking it.
You shouldn't smoke it.
You two look likeyou are ready to buy.
I -- I need somethingfor my son.
Oh,special occasion?
Birthday? Graduation?
My girlfriendjust had an abortion.
I've got just the car.
This is sweet.
Two seater.
No backseat,no trouble.
I'll be right back.
I love it.
No. Unsafe.
If you're so concernedabout my safety,maybe you should have consideredanother line of work.
One more word,I'm taking my dirty drug money,and I'm buying myself diamondearrings and a gold tooth.
- Mom --N- I mean it.
get your assinto a nice four-door d be gratefulyou're not on rollerblades.
You can buy the sports carwhen you're 47 and bald.
Agrestic elementary has becomea second-rate debate school.
We were the regional championswhen students like joel garrity,leon krantzberg,and larry chin were debating.
But now it's up to youto uphold their legacy,
to make us the powerhousewe once were and returnthe disraeli award home...
isabel.
I need to talk to you,mr.Wilson.
Does your mother know you're here?
No.
Oh,I don't speak to that cu--
your mother and irarely speak.
That's why I'm here.
I need someone I trustto handle my money.
What money?
From my commercials. I'm the new huskeroos girl.
Oh,"the bigger the better,the huskeroos sweater"?
Yeah,that's gonna be me.
And we're talkingbig hunks of cheddar.
So,can you help me,mr.Wilson?
Well,I could put your moneyin a trust,but you're gonna needat least one parent to be the signatoryuntil you're 18.
That's bullshit. The money's mine.
The state of california says you got to pick one parent
--my dad.
Your mom really has no ideathat you're coming to me?
Can your accountant interest youin a delicious crunchie?
Yay.
Are you still angry with me?
No,I'm fine.
I'm fine with being a friend. I'm a fine friend.
I ha to fuck you.
Will you stop?
I told you.
You don't have the qualitiesI look for in a man.
Now,what exactlyare those qualities?
I know a guy who knows a guy.
I like big men.
You have noneof the physical qualities I look forin a male lover.
But you do have soft skin...
and sad eyes.
And those are thingsI find very attractive when I sleep with women.
Okay.
Well,I do so appreciatehow you respect my dietary laws.
Oh,it's fun.
Let's eat.
Look at these lamb chops.
I like pork chops,myself.
You know,the pig is a filthy animal.
It carries parasites that livein your intestine and lay eggs,causing all kinds of illness.
Well,them parasitestaste damn good to me.
Miss vaneeta,I'm simply tryingto educate you.
Why?
That's enough,little girl.
Please,heylia,let me talk to her.
Your hostilityhangs thick in the air.
What's troubling you?
You comin' 'round here withyour holier-than-thou bullshit.
We don't eat this. We don't do that.
We like our women dressedlike fuckin' beekeepers.
My dear child...
maybe you need to takea good,hard look at yourself.
Look at your tattoos,your cornrows.
Listen to the languagethat comes out of your mouth.
You're not a lady.
You don't act like a lady.
And then you wonder whyyour baby has no father.
Fuck you,you bow-tie-wearin'motherfucker!
Hey,now stop,both of you.
Just -- let's just relaxand have a good meal.
I am sorry,heylia.
Perhaps I should be going.
That's the best words come outof your fool mouth all night.
Joseph.
You got any last words? Yes.
Where the hell are you?
You so busy finding fuckin'couscous on the internet,you ain't takin' careof your game.
Conrad is never here no more,and business is off,
and all you can think about is some fancy-preachin',pork-fearin' fat ass.
Heylia,if you gon' drop out and become one of themlee-lee-shriekin' islam ladies,
let me know so I can hirea fuckin' babysitter
and call keeyon inand get to work,'cause everythingis goin' to shit.
Oh.Oh.Oh.
What's that?
What does it look like?
Oh-ho-ho-ho.
You think you can take it?
It's not for me.
God,it's big.
I know.
That's really big.
It'll fit.
Does it have to be black?
Stop being a pussy.
I thoughtthat was the whole idea.
Don't forget to breathe.
what?
hey,check it out.
Ow!
how are the kids?
Conrad.
Got 20 new clippings. We'll see how they do.
You're a genius.
What's wrong?
Been thinking.
About what?
About our little miracle.
Dead smack in the middle of allthese houses that get busted,and we skate.
Yeah. Wow.
Were we lucky.
It's a funny thingabout luck.
What's that?
I don't believe in it.
You got somethingyou want to say to me?
You want to tell me why our armenian problem isno longer a problem?
I told youI was gonna take care of them.
You're still fuckin'that dea guy,ain't you?
It's not like that.
Then,please,tell me what it's like.
He's on our side.
You fuckin' lied to me.
You swore on your childrenthat he didn't know.
He didn't knowwhen I told you.
I mean,he did know,but I didn't know that he knew.
It turned out,actually,that he knew all along,but it does-- it's --
it doesn't matter.It's okay.
How can you beso fuckin' sure?
I have insurance.
Insurance,wha-- state farm got some "getout of jail free" policy that I don't know about?
I -- I married him.
You what?
We're married.
No,it's really clever.
See,if I'm his wife,he -- he can't be forcedto testify against me,and he married a drug dealer,
so it's kind ofmutually assured destruction.
I have the marriage certificate,so we're protected.
You're protected.
Ain't no ring on my finger.
We're partners.
We're partners?
Then,why is it that every moveyou make digs my grave?
He doesn't know about you.
For how long?
It's just a matter of time.
It's gonna be okay.
How in the fuckis this gonna be okay?!
You know,heylia was right.
You just openyour big,brown eyes,and me,I just fall into shit!
What in the hell is this?
The softail deluxe.
What the fuck is it doingin my atrium?
I bought it. It's mine.
Really? With what money?
My salary.
- You got a job?N- Yeah.
And why didn't you tell me? Doing what?
I am isabel's manager.
Oh,no.No.No.No.
Yes,I am. Yes,yes,yes,yes,yes.
You're a lawyer,dean.
You need to go findlawyer work.
Kill all the lawyers.
God,how did I get here?
What have I done?
This is not my life.
"Same as it ever was."
Where were you?
Driving around.
It felt good.
Silas...
it's 4:30 in the morning.
You're not allowedto stay out this late.
I know. I'm sorry.
I'll keep better track of timenext time.
Well...
Good.
- Mom?N- Yeah?
What you do and all...
yeah?
I'm cool with it.
Fish and game officialstranquilized the bear,who fell out of the treebut was not injured.
Oh,watch this.
Celia:No,watch this.
Where'd you get this?
You e-mailed it to deanas a joke.
Oh,yeah. It's pretty funny.
Won't be so funnywhen I bulk-mail it to every voter in agrestic.
Ooh,I'm shaking.
Well,you should be.
Because when I'm done,you won't be able to get a seatin a chair factory.
Unless you preferto save yourself some major embarrassment,
not to mentionpotential criminal charges,
by making me the signatoryon isabel's account instead of harley davidstein.
Only needed one parent,and davidsteinbeat you to the punch.
I will not allowyou and dean to take controlof my daughter's finances.
I'm just following her orders.
Her orders?
Isabel came to me.
And I explained to herthat she needed to make a choice between you or dean,or both you and dean.
And it took herhalf a secd to decide.
- Really?N- She hates you.
Oh,my god. Too bad she can't vote.
Well,I -- you know,isabeland I have had our differences.
She hates you.
Just like I hate you.
So you know what?
Go aheadand bulk-mail your heart out.
See ya.
Hi. Welcome to thursday'S.How many?
Oh,I'm here to meet someone.
Well,would you like to have a seat?
- Hey,there.N- Nancy.
Welcome to thursday'S.How many?
Table for three.
Okay.
First things first.
I want to apologize.
I didn't think either of youwould show if I told you in advance,so I lied.
I'm a liar. I'm sorry,conrad.I'm sorry,peter.
This should have happeneda lot sooner.
That's my fault.
So,if you have any anger,send your anger this way.
Nancy,who is this person?
This is,uh,conrad,my business partner.
No,I am not.
I am just anotherout-of-work black man.
I've never seen this woman before in my life.
It's okay. Really.
Why are we here?
Conrad had some issueswith our arrangement,and I thought it would be betterif we met
and we got to know each other.
Conrad,the floor is yours.
Ask peter anything.
- I don't think so.N- Peter,please.
You're the husband?
I am.
And you are the partner?
Conrad.
Why risk your wholefuckin' career,man?
I'm having trouble wrappingmy head around that part.
I do it for her.
Now it's my turnto have a question answered.
How didthis partnership begin?
Um,my kid bit her kidat a karate tournament.
Oh,that's funny.
Your boys at the dea,do they know about me?
I wouldn't know.
Probably not. You're small-time.
Nobody knows about anybody,okay?
Conrad is my friendand my business partner.
This was just sort ofdropped into my lap.
I had not anticipated this.
I know. I'm sorry.
I thought we should work thingsout so we could move forward.
How the fuck is thissupposed to work out?
Well,off the top of my head,I would say don't expand furtherthan the grow house,
and take your harvest directlyto the medical marijuana clubs.
And you don't want a piece?
I don't want any money. I just want nancy.
And I'm just supposedto trust you?
Oh,you don't have to trust me.
Trust your partner,who happens to be my partner.
And so,by the transitiveproperty of partner trust,we can trust each other.
See?
It's all gonna be fine.
Right?
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Weeds Season 2 Episode 06