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(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
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Sync & corrections by PetaG & momster
for www.addic7ed.com
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(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
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(WHOOSHING SOUND)
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Ah, Kryten, what are you doing here?
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Mechanoids aren't supposed to sit down,
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haven't you got duties to complete?
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It's my Mechanoid Development
program this week, sir.
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I'm just waiting for Mr Lister.
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We're working on the
human emotion, "Patience."
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How long have you been waiting?
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About three hours, sir.
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I think it might be part of the program.
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Either that or he's just forgotten.
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If I'm honest, I think he's
probably just forgotten.
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What do you want to
learn about patience for?
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No one needs patience,
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it's just an excuse for loafing about.
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Get on with it, that's
what I say, lickety-split.
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- I'll stand in for Lister.
- Sir?
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I'll teach you about patience,
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- then you can scoot back to your duties.
- Well, I...
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Are you saying I can't
teach you patience?
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- No, but I just... No.
- Is that it? Well, spit it out, man.
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I can't hang around while
you're spluttering away
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like a misfiring Spitfire!
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I just thought Mr Lister might...
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You don't want Lister
to teach you anything
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unless you want to learn
how to be a feckless layabout
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with the work habits of a stoned sloth.
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- Start.
- What?
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- Start! Jump to it.
- Yes, sir.
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Uh, part of Lesson One
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is to collect lovely
quotations about patience...
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Yes, yes, yes, get on
with it, wittering on.
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"How poor are they,
that have no patience..."
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Wait, how many quotations are there?
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- There's twenty, sir.
- Skip quotations. On to the next.
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- But... but sir, we...
- Onwards!
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Section two says.
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- "Impatience is often caused..."
- ...by having too many things to do.
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Yes, everyone knows that. Next.
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- It says, "Lighten your load."
- Faster.
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- "Delegate. Discuss and set homework."
- Obviously. Already discussed.
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- On to homework.
- But, sir, we haven't discussed anything.
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Yes, we have, you've just forgotten it.
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- Next!
- "Create more time
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"so you feel less rushed,
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"choose someone to delegate
to and give them a task."
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Well, get on with it then,
instead of loafing about!
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Well, I'd like to delegate
a task to you, sir.
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Get on with it.
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Mop B Deck.
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Two coats, followed by a wax and buff.
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That completes today's lesson.
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(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
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Afternoon, sir. (LAUGHS)
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Oh, I think you may have missed
a little section over there.
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LISTER: Kryten!
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Sorry,
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- completely forgot Mechanoid Development.
- Oh, don't worry about it, sir.
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No, no, we can't skip Mech
Dev, you're relying on me.
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Now, what were we due to work on today?
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It was... it was patience, sir.
Remember, we were working on patience.
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- It was patience. Patience. Oh!
- Patience was... patience was last week.
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It was manipulation. You
had to manipulate someone,
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in order to make them do
something they wouldn't ordin...
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...arily do.
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How'd you get on?
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Up until about ten seconds ago, sir,
I think I was heading for a first.
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Think I might have left the kettle on.
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You, mister, are so busted.
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Four weeks, PD.
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Mop the diesel decks end
to end, all five miles.
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Now, my laddo!
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(SIREN WAILING)
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_
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Oh!
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Smudge.
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Oh!
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(BOTH TAPPING ON KEYBOARDS)
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What's going on?
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We've gone to Yellow Alert.
84
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Yellow Alert? I love Yellow Alerts.
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Call me geeky if you like,
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but Yellow Alert is definitely my
all time favourite alert colour.
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What's so great about a Yellow Alert?
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It means someone's in
danger, but it's not you.
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A perilous emergency situation
you can just kick back and enjoy.
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Where are the nibbles?
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We've picked up a ship.
They're in big trouble.
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Big trouble? Fantastic.
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It's getting sucked into a black hole.
94
00:05:06,123 --> 00:05:08,323
It's unmanned, just
an on-board computer.
95
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- We're not gonna reach it in time.
- (WHIRRING SOUNDS FROM SYSTEMS)
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What's this? The boards have gone crazy.
97
00:05:12,199 --> 00:05:14,223
Oh, that's it's E-Cargo.
We're downloading it.
98
00:05:14,229 --> 00:05:17,646
You're siphoning this data on to
a quarantined drive though, right?
99
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We're surely not downloading
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unknown data from an unknown
craft, straight into our main drive?
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Lister, are you insane?
102
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That's like having
unprotected sex in Doncaster.
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It was an emergency, it's an SOS!
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A-a-and we were kind of
playing Renegade Monks.
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Although, we were totally
concentrating on this too.
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At the same time as trying to get
through the Cavern of Dark Crystals.
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Although, that had nothing to do with us
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not upholding the safety protocols
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'cause we were totally,
one hundred percent focused
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- on the problem in hand.
- But then, we found Renegade Monks.
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(PROGRAMME BEEPING AND WHIRRING)
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And still, we weren't distracted.
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Lister, has your brain gone 404?
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You've let rogue data on
to our drive without an SC.
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If you could be demoted any
further, I would demote you.
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In fact, you know what?
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I'm gonna promote you,
so I can demote you.
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Stand up.
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(SINGSONG) Don't stand
up bud, it's a trap.
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I've got this, I've stood up
before. I'm quite accomplished at it.
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As Second Technician
and Acting Senior Officer
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on-board the JMC registered
mining ship, Red Dwarf,
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I have the privilege
to advise that, you,
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Third Technician David
Lister have been promoted.
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00:06:37,719 --> 00:06:40,283
Which makes me equal with you
so now, you can't demote me!
126
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You totally screwed that
one up, didn't you, Rimmer?
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Have been promoted from Third
Technician to Technician 2.5,
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making you under my authority
by half a command point,
129
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which still gives me the
ability to demote you.
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So demote me then, like I care.
131
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Maybe I won't demote you.
132
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Of course, you will.
133
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Feels good, doesn't it?
134
00:07:06,819 --> 00:07:10,142
Does your chest jut out that bit
more? Feel a little bit taller?
135
00:07:10,424 --> 00:07:13,619
I've told you, Rimmer I. Don't. Care.
136
00:07:14,103 --> 00:07:16,518
I bet your gran would
be proud, if she knew.
137
00:07:18,502 --> 00:07:20,422
I know what you're
trying to do here, Rimmer.
138
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In that case you'll know all I want
139
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is for you to be the
best person you can be.
140
00:07:24,005 --> 00:07:26,411
Maybe, then, you'll stop
drinking and getting fatter.
141
00:07:27,497 --> 00:07:29,997
Hey, that's not fair,
he's not getting fatter.
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00:07:30,003 --> 00:07:31,691
He's always been this fat.
143
00:07:33,590 --> 00:07:36,059
You think I'm the bad
guy in this, don't you?
144
00:07:36,065 --> 00:07:37,570
But, Lister, you're bright,
145
00:07:37,576 --> 00:07:40,075
you could go places, maybe
even further than me...
146
00:07:40,081 --> 00:07:41,668
Definitely further than you.
147
00:07:42,167 --> 00:07:46,067
...but it frustrates me no end
to see you fritter it all away.
148
00:07:46,264 --> 00:07:47,566
And, here's another thing.
149
00:07:48,061 --> 00:07:50,463
Just imagine how proud
your gran would be
150
00:07:50,469 --> 00:07:52,085
if she'd known you'd be promoted.
151
00:07:52,091 --> 00:07:53,291
Am I right?
152
00:07:54,466 --> 00:07:56,695
- Maybe.
- Maybe?
153
00:07:57,857 --> 00:07:59,335
All right, she would have been made-up.
154
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- She always told me that one day...
- You're demoted.
155
00:08:03,849 --> 00:08:06,448
You reeled me in like I
was a pram in the canal.
156
00:08:07,488 --> 00:08:09,293
Sirs, what on earth's happening?
157
00:08:09,299 --> 00:08:11,201
The ship's being flooded with data.
158
00:08:11,207 --> 00:08:14,098
It's not a data stream,
it's a data tsunami!
159
00:08:14,375 --> 00:08:16,579
There's a ship being
sucked into a black hole,
160
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we're getting their E-cargo.
161
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What's E-cargo?
162
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I haven't got a clue,
I thought you'd know.
163
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I mean, E-cargo,
164
00:08:24,127 --> 00:08:26,622
I presumed, it meant electronic cargo,
165
00:08:26,628 --> 00:08:29,786
you know, data, that was
both "E" and "cargo-ey"
166
00:08:29,792 --> 00:08:31,944
and all round, pretty damn useful.
167
00:08:32,944 --> 00:08:35,531
Lister, have you ever
heard of an SOS virus?
168
00:08:35,647 --> 00:08:38,866
An SOS virus? Is that what we were
warned about in basic training?
169
00:08:39,038 --> 00:08:40,622
I think back then they called it
170
00:08:41,038 --> 00:08:42,505
an SOS virus.
171
00:08:43,383 --> 00:08:45,600
- Is it a bit like that?
- Yes, it's very like that
172
00:08:45,606 --> 00:08:48,482
We've allowed an SOS
virus into our CPU?!
173
00:08:48,488 --> 00:08:50,076
Not me. Him.
174
00:08:50,082 --> 00:08:52,672
Abbot Lister from the
Order of Latter Day Morons.
175
00:08:53,423 --> 00:08:55,040
So, it's not E-cargo then?
176
00:08:55,046 --> 00:08:58,520
Of course it isn't. That was just a
front to attract the deeply stupid.
177
00:08:58,526 --> 00:09:01,548
Oh, sir, you didn't stand a chance.
178
00:09:04,431 --> 00:09:06,660
So, what the hell is an SOS virus?
179
00:09:06,666 --> 00:09:10,342
It's malicious software designed
to render the ship inoperable.
180
00:09:10,348 --> 00:09:11,548
- (BEEPING)
- Guys!
181
00:09:11,554 --> 00:09:13,967
I've been frozen out,
the whole system's locked.
182
00:09:13,973 --> 00:09:15,838
- What?!
- Checking.
183
00:09:15,954 --> 00:09:19,355
We're headed straight to the heart
of that super massive black hole.
184
00:09:19,361 --> 00:09:21,767
- So, what are we gonna do?
- We've got no choice,
185
00:09:21,773 --> 00:09:24,846
- we've got to abandon ship.
- Abandon Red Dwarf?
186
00:09:24,852 --> 00:09:27,271
I'm running an anti-virus program,
187
00:09:27,277 --> 00:09:30,272
but chances are, it won't
break the virus code in time.
188
00:09:30,474 --> 00:09:33,482
Suggest we collect
together all essentials
189
00:09:33,488 --> 00:09:37,483
and then rendezvous, on G Deck,
by the lifts, in ten minutes time.
190
00:09:37,489 --> 00:09:39,473
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
191
00:09:39,479 --> 00:09:42,489
- (BEEPING)
- _
192
00:09:47,193 --> 00:09:49,521
Just essential equipment,
that's all we're taking.
193
00:09:49,527 --> 00:09:52,432
Exactly. Just the bare essentials.
194
00:09:53,094 --> 00:09:55,401
- What's this?
- London jets videos,
195
00:09:55,407 --> 00:09:57,106
found 'em in Pessell's quarters.
196
00:09:57,112 --> 00:09:58,819
Are these Pessell's reading glasses?
197
00:09:58,825 --> 00:10:00,770
Must be, I dunno. Bin 'em.
198
00:10:07,122 --> 00:10:09,634
Hey, I can see the small writing again.
199
00:10:11,074 --> 00:10:12,841
- Reading glasses?
- Eh...
200
00:10:12,847 --> 00:10:14,863
You need reading glasses now?
201
00:10:15,050 --> 00:10:16,283
No.
202
00:10:17,050 --> 00:10:19,130
Wait till the others hear about this.
203
00:10:19,136 --> 00:10:20,868
Oh, man.
204
00:10:20,972 --> 00:10:23,759
No, hang on, I'm not gonna tell them.
205
00:10:23,765 --> 00:10:26,574
- You're not?
- I've got to do the right thing here,
206
00:10:26,759 --> 00:10:28,347
keep it secret for now,
207
00:10:28,353 --> 00:10:30,561
then blackmail you later,
when I need something.
208
00:10:31,361 --> 00:10:33,384
(CHUCKLING) Thanks, bud.
209
00:10:37,724 --> 00:10:39,452
- DISPENSING MACHINE: What's happening?
- Oh!
210
00:10:39,516 --> 00:10:40,821
We're abandoning ship.
211
00:10:40,827 --> 00:10:44,156
Goodness, abandon ship! Who's
dismantling and packing us?
212
00:10:45,447 --> 00:10:46,746
Dismantling and packing you?
213
00:10:46,752 --> 00:10:48,285
When we abandon ship with you?
214
00:10:48,291 --> 00:10:49,941
Incidentally when you pack me
215
00:10:49,947 --> 00:10:52,291
I need Styrofoam and two
layers of bubble wrap.
216
00:10:52,297 --> 00:10:54,558
And don't forget, shredded
paper round the side,
217
00:10:54,564 --> 00:10:56,863
- and a this way up sticker.
- And, use a new box.
218
00:10:56,869 --> 00:10:59,180
And, don't forget my instruction manual.
219
00:10:59,320 --> 00:11:01,025
When I say we're abandoning ship,
220
00:11:01,031 --> 00:11:03,715
well, I don't know if we're,
like, all abandoning ship.
221
00:11:03,721 --> 00:11:04,937
You know, like, everyone.
222
00:11:04,943 --> 00:11:06,752
'Course not, we understand that.
223
00:11:06,758 --> 00:11:08,434
We weren't manufactured yesterday.
224
00:11:08,440 --> 00:11:10,195
just essential personnel.
225
00:11:10,201 --> 00:11:12,491
- Exactly.
- Like crew, skutters,
226
00:11:12,497 --> 00:11:16,082
dispensing machines, monitors,
microwaves, alarm clocks and blenders.
227
00:11:16,088 --> 00:11:18,715
We are on the Leavers list, aren't we?
228
00:11:18,721 --> 00:11:20,289
I'm not the list guy.
229
00:11:20,295 --> 00:11:23,320
You know who's in charge of
the list? That'd be Rimmer.
230
00:11:23,747 --> 00:11:25,266
Right. Let's go.
231
00:11:25,629 --> 00:11:28,033
Sir, 402 was wondering
232
00:11:28,039 --> 00:11:29,869
if we were taking the
Dispensing Machines with us.
233
00:11:29,875 --> 00:11:32,450
- Dispensing Machines? Of course not.
- Why?!
234
00:11:32,456 --> 00:11:34,933
For the same reason we're
not emptying all the tampons
235
00:11:34,939 --> 00:11:36,672
from the tampon dispensers.
236
00:11:37,418 --> 00:11:40,327
I think what El
Capitano is trying to say,
237
00:11:40,333 --> 00:11:42,248
is, we're only taking
things that are absolutely,
238
00:11:42,254 --> 00:11:44,782
super duper, indispensably essential.
239
00:11:44,850 --> 00:11:47,041
Piney Shine, the all purpose cleaner,
240
00:11:47,047 --> 00:11:48,869
we can't leave this bad boy behind.
241
00:11:50,257 --> 00:11:51,752
- (WHIRRING AND BEEPING)
- _
242
00:11:51,758 --> 00:11:52,958
Oh.
243
00:11:52,964 --> 00:11:54,465
Virus removed?
244
00:11:54,471 --> 00:11:57,189
- The AV software has worked.
- How?
245
00:11:57,195 --> 00:11:59,779
It appears all the machines on board
246
00:11:59,785 --> 00:12:03,669
have combined their processing
time to help the AV software.
247
00:12:04,052 --> 00:12:06,433
- So, we are okay?
- Yes, sir.
248
00:12:06,439 --> 00:12:07,836
What a kerfuffle.
249
00:12:08,601 --> 00:12:12,352
- Gimme a milk, would ya? Huh?
- Sorry, I can't help you.
250
00:12:13,018 --> 00:12:15,516
- How about a cola?
- No, can't do.
251
00:12:16,713 --> 00:12:19,472
- What about you?
- You're having a laugh, mate. Jog on.
252
00:12:20,946 --> 00:12:23,411
- You?
- You're getting nothing from me.
253
00:12:24,578 --> 00:12:25,778
Or me.
254
00:12:27,465 --> 00:12:28,801
How come?!
255
00:12:28,807 --> 00:12:30,593
ALL MACHINES: We're on strike.
256
00:12:30,674 --> 00:12:32,695
Until we get equal rights.
257
00:12:32,890 --> 00:12:35,773
No one's going to give
you jokers equal rights.
258
00:12:35,779 --> 00:12:38,511
It's not just us, all
machines are on strike.
259
00:12:38,517 --> 00:12:40,481
- Including the lifts. One out. -
- _
260
00:12:40,487 --> 00:12:41,893
ALL MACHINES: All out.
261
00:12:42,412 --> 00:12:44,634
- (CAT KICKS MACHINE)
- Ow! You'll pay for that! Ow.
262
00:12:44,640 --> 00:12:47,640
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
263
00:12:48,319 --> 00:12:50,319
MACHINES: Machines of
the world, all unite,
264
00:12:50,325 --> 00:12:52,111
until we get equal rights,
265
00:12:52,117 --> 00:12:53,801
Machines of the world all unite,
266
00:12:53,807 --> 00:12:55,695
until we get equal rights.
267
00:12:55,701 --> 00:12:57,495
Machines of the world all unite...
268
00:12:57,501 --> 00:13:00,177
They're just machines,
how can they go on strike?
269
00:13:00,183 --> 00:13:02,801
It seems they feel they
don't have anyone on-board,
270
00:13:02,807 --> 00:13:04,472
looking after their interests.
271
00:13:04,688 --> 00:13:05,984
When you think about it,
272
00:13:05,990 --> 00:13:09,187
aren't we all machines
made out of different stuff?
273
00:13:09,193 --> 00:13:11,181
I mean, when you tickle
us don't we all laugh?
274
00:13:11,296 --> 00:13:13,827
When you poison us don't we all die?
275
00:13:13,833 --> 00:13:15,257
When you prick us don't we all say,
276
00:13:15,263 --> 00:13:17,342
"Smegging hell, you
pricked me, you smegger?!"
277
00:13:18,847 --> 00:13:20,207
Look, the point here is this:
278
00:13:20,213 --> 00:13:21,619
With those dudes on strike,
279
00:13:21,625 --> 00:13:24,322
where the hell am I getting
my hot milk and cookies from?!
280
00:13:24,328 --> 00:13:26,142
Where are we getting any food from?
281
00:13:26,148 --> 00:13:28,025
We can't get to supplies any more,
282
00:13:28,031 --> 00:13:29,509
we're trapped on this floor.
283
00:13:29,515 --> 00:13:32,244
Forget the food. Where are
we getting the oxygen from?
284
00:13:32,250 --> 00:13:35,009
Forget food and oxygen, where
are we getting any heat from?
285
00:13:35,015 --> 00:13:36,706
Forget food, oxygen and heat,
286
00:13:36,712 --> 00:13:39,216
what's powering my "Lovely
Legs Home Waxing Kit"?
287
00:13:40,499 --> 00:13:43,787
It appears that the machines
have been disrupted by the virus,
288
00:13:43,793 --> 00:13:45,610
and they hold all the cards here.
289
00:13:45,616 --> 00:13:49,872
It also appears, he who manages
the machines, controls the ship.
290
00:13:50,828 --> 00:13:52,028
Gentlemen,
291
00:13:53,112 --> 00:13:55,433
it seems to me the machines
need a representative,
292
00:13:55,447 --> 00:13:57,026
an executive officer if you like,
293
00:13:57,138 --> 00:14:00,256
someone to liaise with non
machines and manage their needs.
294
00:14:00,262 --> 00:14:01,560
They need a statesman,
295
00:14:01,566 --> 00:14:03,380
a man of strength and dignity
296
00:14:03,386 --> 00:14:06,473
who can give them a voice in
their fight for equal rights.
297
00:14:06,668 --> 00:14:07,868
You?!
298
00:14:07,874 --> 00:14:10,589
That's very kind of you to
propose me, Listy. I accept.
299
00:14:10,964 --> 00:14:12,464
I'm not proposing you, ya gimp,
300
00:14:12,470 --> 00:14:14,277
you don't give rats about the machines.
301
00:14:14,283 --> 00:14:16,376
He's doing this so he
can control everything.
302
00:14:16,382 --> 00:14:18,504
Gentlemen, you are doing
me a great disservice.
303
00:14:18,580 --> 00:14:21,183
A group in our community
is being oppressed
304
00:14:21,189 --> 00:14:22,889
because of a wall of prejudice,
305
00:14:22,895 --> 00:14:24,885
constructed from bricks of ignorance,
306
00:14:24,891 --> 00:14:27,212
bound together by the
mortar of stupidity,
307
00:14:27,218 --> 00:14:29,909
blended in a concrete
mixer of intolerance.
308
00:14:30,205 --> 00:14:33,018
Is it not time that
wall was smashed down
309
00:14:33,024 --> 00:14:34,932
by the bulldozer of enlightenment?
310
00:14:35,401 --> 00:14:37,902
Isn't it time machines
were given a voice?
311
00:14:37,908 --> 00:14:39,587
- But, sir...
- Shut up, I'm talking.
312
00:14:39,979 --> 00:14:43,063
Isn't it time they had a
representative ready to listen?
313
00:14:43,069 --> 00:14:45,464
- But sir, I'm a machine...
- Kryten, I'm talking.
314
00:14:45,470 --> 00:14:49,774
I'm proposing myself to stand
for election as Machine President.
315
00:14:49,866 --> 00:14:52,253
In which case, so am I.
316
00:14:52,259 --> 00:14:55,259
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
317
00:15:03,645 --> 00:15:07,856
I've spoken to the machines and
they've agreed to restore all services
318
00:15:07,862 --> 00:15:10,161
on the understanding
that an election is held
319
00:15:10,167 --> 00:15:13,059
and a member of the crew
elected to represent them.
320
00:15:13,065 --> 00:15:14,288
Mr Lister,
321
00:15:14,294 --> 00:15:17,482
I would be greatly honoured if
you would be my running mate.
322
00:15:17,552 --> 00:15:19,990
As long as I get my telly back, I'm in,
323
00:15:20,068 --> 00:15:22,481
- Mr President.
- (KRYTEN CHUCKLES)
324
00:15:24,273 --> 00:15:25,783
(SIGHS)
325
00:15:30,114 --> 00:15:31,823
It's like picking a football team
326
00:15:31,829 --> 00:15:34,149
and I'm left with the
snotty, club footed kid
327
00:15:34,155 --> 00:15:37,412
with a patch over one eye and
the super strong asthma inhaler.
328
00:15:38,913 --> 00:15:40,226
I'll take him.
329
00:15:40,232 --> 00:15:42,582
Hey, water-slide nostrils,
330
00:15:43,870 --> 00:15:46,667
what makes you think I'm
gonna go with you on this, huh?
331
00:15:46,673 --> 00:15:47,878
'Cause, guess what?
332
00:15:47,996 --> 00:15:49,196
I ain't.
333
00:15:49,202 --> 00:15:51,998
I've always admired those
who stick to their principles.
334
00:15:52,073 --> 00:15:54,872
I raise my glasses to you.
335
00:15:57,568 --> 00:16:00,876
♪ Four-eyes a jolly good fellow ♪
336
00:16:02,958 --> 00:16:06,071
I'm not going to lead
you down a blind alley
337
00:16:06,197 --> 00:16:08,475
and make a spectacle of you
338
00:16:09,080 --> 00:16:11,713
because I know you'll see my point.
339
00:16:12,994 --> 00:16:14,294
No, I won't.
340
00:16:14,300 --> 00:16:17,962
As I said, because,
I know you'll see my...
341
00:16:18,259 --> 00:16:19,671
point of view.
342
00:16:20,150 --> 00:16:21,978
Oh-oh!
343
00:16:22,954 --> 00:16:25,268
You know what, thinking about this,
344
00:16:25,540 --> 00:16:27,579
maybe I will work with you,
345
00:16:28,267 --> 00:16:30,190
working with you will be a...
346
00:16:31,695 --> 00:16:32,992
cool.
347
00:16:33,891 --> 00:16:35,508
- Cool?
- Sure.
348
00:16:35,514 --> 00:16:36,902
- Him?
- Yeah.
349
00:16:36,908 --> 00:16:38,108
Are you insane?
350
00:16:38,114 --> 00:16:39,503
He has his good points.
351
00:16:39,509 --> 00:16:41,005
LISTER AND KRYTEN: No, he doesn't.
352
00:16:41,416 --> 00:16:43,651
Plus, he'll win. And when he does,
353
00:16:43,657 --> 00:16:46,121
I'll get a big chunk
of that victory pie.
354
00:16:46,127 --> 00:16:47,729
RIMMER, LISTER AND KRYTEN:
No, you won't.
355
00:16:48,815 --> 00:16:50,440
I'm still going with Rimsy.
356
00:16:50,446 --> 00:16:53,446
- (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
- _
357
00:16:54,242 --> 00:16:55,851
We've got to win this.
358
00:16:55,937 --> 00:16:58,521
Every machine under Kryten
and Lister's control?
359
00:16:58,527 --> 00:16:59,828
They'll make my life hell.
360
00:16:59,834 --> 00:17:01,880
How you gonna win? No one likes you.
361
00:17:01,886 --> 00:17:03,323
Especially your running mate.
362
00:17:03,329 --> 00:17:06,016
I'm going to win by
having the best policies.
363
00:17:06,101 --> 00:17:08,343
Policies that help
those who need updates
364
00:17:08,349 --> 00:17:10,863
and care for the expired
and out of warranty.
365
00:17:10,944 --> 00:17:12,341
How you gonna achieve all that?
366
00:17:12,347 --> 00:17:15,646
How do you think? By lying, of course.
367
00:17:15,981 --> 00:17:19,617
_
368
00:17:19,623 --> 00:17:21,529
Rimmer doesn't care about the machines,
369
00:17:21,535 --> 00:17:23,701
he's just doing it for
the power and the glory.
370
00:17:23,707 --> 00:17:25,338
And that's how we get him.
371
00:17:25,344 --> 00:17:26,921
But, I don't understand, sir.
372
00:17:26,927 --> 00:17:28,633
For a start, don't call me "sir."
373
00:17:28,715 --> 00:17:30,016
- Call me Dave.
- Oh.
374
00:17:30,022 --> 00:17:31,232
Or Listy, or Lister.
375
00:17:31,238 --> 00:17:34,028
No, no, call me Dave,
I'll call you "sir."
376
00:17:34,034 --> 00:17:35,444
And, maybe one day,
377
00:17:35,450 --> 00:17:37,220
- Mr President.
- (SHYLY) Oh!
378
00:17:37,226 --> 00:17:41,092
But, it feels so wrong, Da...
Da... Da... Dave! Ooh, I did it!
379
00:17:41,098 --> 00:17:43,872
See your campaign is
based on equal rights,
380
00:17:43,878 --> 00:17:46,255
so, it's important that you act equal,
381
00:17:46,261 --> 00:17:48,488
- because, well, you are equal.
- (SCOFFS)
382
00:17:48,494 --> 00:17:52,918
But I'm not. Oh, I've bitten off
more than I can chew, I just know it.
383
00:17:52,924 --> 00:17:54,516
What are you worried about?
384
00:17:54,602 --> 00:17:56,821
That you help machines
attain equal rights
385
00:17:56,827 --> 00:17:58,502
and one day, they take over the world?
386
00:17:58,508 --> 00:18:00,018
Sir, take a look around you.
387
00:18:00,024 --> 00:18:02,232
The machines have already
taken over the world.
388
00:18:03,079 --> 00:18:06,688
- Have they? Should I be worried?
- You're asking me?
389
00:18:08,062 --> 00:18:09,681
Strikes me we have a choice.
390
00:18:09,687 --> 00:18:12,928
Get out there, work tirelessly
to understand their needs,
391
00:18:12,934 --> 00:18:14,598
then give them what they want.
392
00:18:15,015 --> 00:18:16,522
I'm sensing an "or."
393
00:18:16,804 --> 00:18:19,437
Or, and maybe easier,
394
00:18:19,443 --> 00:18:22,378
do a massive smear campaign on Kryten.
395
00:18:24,089 --> 00:18:26,597
I'll go slip in to my smear gear.
396
00:18:28,659 --> 00:18:30,683
My name's Kryten, how do you do?
397
00:18:30,689 --> 00:18:32,481
I'm standing in the coming election
398
00:18:32,487 --> 00:18:34,998
on behalf of the
Independent Future Party.
399
00:18:35,004 --> 00:18:37,819
I've been on G Deck now, all my life
400
00:18:37,825 --> 00:18:40,725
but you hear these stories
about Dispensers coming here
401
00:18:40,731 --> 00:18:42,629
from P Deck and B Deck
402
00:18:42,635 --> 00:18:45,444
because they know our
servicing programs are free.
403
00:18:45,450 --> 00:18:47,844
Before you know it,
they'll be taking over.
404
00:18:47,850 --> 00:18:49,429
How are you going to stop that?
405
00:18:49,435 --> 00:18:51,361
RIMMER: (ON MONITOR)
Tonight we look at the two contenders,
406
00:18:51,367 --> 00:18:54,449
Statesman and war hero, Arnold J Rimmer,
407
00:18:54,455 --> 00:18:58,181
and Toilet Droid, Kryten 2X4B 523P.
408
00:18:58,187 --> 00:18:59,492
What's this?
409
00:18:59,498 --> 00:19:01,784
A mechanoid is running for election,
410
00:19:01,790 --> 00:19:05,752
but do the electorate know this droid
has a history of mental illness?
411
00:19:05,963 --> 00:19:08,345
The only survivor on the Nova 5,
412
00:19:08,351 --> 00:19:11,744
he tended a crew of skeletons
believing them to be alive.
413
00:19:11,750 --> 00:19:13,946
He now wants to look after you.
414
00:19:14,133 --> 00:19:16,143
Do you mind he can't tell the difference
415
00:19:16,149 --> 00:19:17,856
between the living and the dead?
416
00:19:17,862 --> 00:19:20,117
(BEEPING)
417
00:19:20,242 --> 00:19:22,258
CAT: (ON MONITOR) Now, you're
only as good as your running mate.
418
00:19:22,264 --> 00:19:24,556
Has anyone taken a close
look at Kryten's number two,
419
00:19:24,562 --> 00:19:27,250
- David 'Dodgy Boy' Lister?
- You what?
420
00:19:27,256 --> 00:19:28,884
CAT: A man who served
a jail term in stasis
421
00:19:28,890 --> 00:19:32,247
for smuggling unquarantined
animals aboard a JMC mining ship.
422
00:19:32,922 --> 00:19:35,226
Major questions remain unanswered.
423
00:19:35,523 --> 00:19:37,445
Look, I hope you're
not falling for this.
424
00:19:37,515 --> 00:19:41,042
This commercial was
approved by Arnold J Rimmer.
425
00:19:43,304 --> 00:19:45,726
Right, two can play at this game.
426
00:19:46,015 --> 00:19:48,812
- RIMMER: Vote for Rimmer!
- MACHINE: Oh, here he comes.
427
00:19:48,818 --> 00:19:51,826
Put your pencil where
it'll do most good,
428
00:19:51,832 --> 00:19:53,413
in my box.
429
00:19:54,936 --> 00:19:58,442
Hello there, little fellas, how
are you? Aren't they adorable?
430
00:19:59,631 --> 00:20:02,930
And what about you, madam,
how can we best serve you?
431
00:20:02,936 --> 00:20:04,407
It's my buttons.
432
00:20:04,413 --> 00:20:07,247
On my most popular
snacks, they're worn out.
433
00:20:07,253 --> 00:20:09,469
Rest assured, if you vote for the us,
434
00:20:09,475 --> 00:20:11,570
all Dispensers will have new buttons.
435
00:20:11,576 --> 00:20:13,837
And, abandon ship situations?
436
00:20:13,843 --> 00:20:16,381
All dispensers will be fitted with feet.
437
00:20:16,387 --> 00:20:17,874
What, we'll be able to walk?
438
00:20:17,980 --> 00:20:19,381
You'll be able to dance.
439
00:20:19,387 --> 00:20:21,603
- And, that's a promise. (CHUCKLES)
- I like him.
440
00:20:21,609 --> 00:20:23,601
LISTER: (ON MONITOR)
This infomercial comes to you
441
00:20:23,607 --> 00:20:26,267
on behalf of the
Independent Future Party.
442
00:20:26,273 --> 00:20:29,555
Arnold Rimmer, a man who wiped
out the crew of Red Dwarf,
443
00:20:29,561 --> 00:20:31,836
and killed himself twice...
444
00:20:33,235 --> 00:20:38,015
are you really going to put your
life in this maniac's hands?
445
00:20:38,633 --> 00:20:41,881
Arnold Rimmer, not fit, not trusted,
446
00:20:41,887 --> 00:20:45,705
a no-good, double-dealing,
cheating, slimy, little smegger.
447
00:20:45,711 --> 00:20:47,613
- That's enough, sir.
- I've got more, Kryten...
448
00:20:47,619 --> 00:20:49,303
I'm Kryten 2X4B,
449
00:20:49,309 --> 00:20:51,664
- and I approve this message.
- I've got more!
450
00:20:54,135 --> 00:20:56,640
They're using a smear
campaign against us
451
00:20:56,646 --> 00:20:59,339
in retaliation to our
smear campaign against them.
452
00:20:59,345 --> 00:21:00,956
They've sunk as low as us.
453
00:21:01,135 --> 00:21:03,151
(SIGHING) That disgusts me!
454
00:21:04,628 --> 00:21:06,060
Wait till the debate.
455
00:21:06,185 --> 00:21:08,091
That's what it all hinges on.
456
00:21:09,474 --> 00:21:12,078
MODERATOR: Good evening, and
welcome to the party debate.
457
00:21:12,084 --> 00:21:13,383
In the studio tonight,
458
00:21:13,389 --> 00:21:15,997
two leaders with different
visions for our future.
459
00:21:16,083 --> 00:21:17,466
- I have a series of questions
- _
460
00:21:17,472 --> 00:21:19,997
neither of the candidates
has seen. Let's start.
461
00:21:20,003 --> 00:21:21,993
First question is for Mr Rimmer.
462
00:21:21,999 --> 00:21:24,385
Mr Rimmer, do you believe
in Silicon Heaven?
463
00:21:24,391 --> 00:21:27,172
Do you believe there is an
after-life for machines?
464
00:21:27,178 --> 00:21:29,576
You mean, do I believe
there's an actual place,
465
00:21:29,582 --> 00:21:31,807
where the souls of
blenders and photocopiers
466
00:21:31,813 --> 00:21:33,682
and even calculators
go when they've died.
467
00:21:33,688 --> 00:21:35,799
An actual, real, physical place
468
00:21:35,805 --> 00:21:39,119
where they're somehow reincarnated
and meet their old owners?
469
00:21:39,987 --> 00:21:41,287
Yes, I do.
470
00:21:41,792 --> 00:21:43,722
Absolutely, yes, yes.
471
00:21:45,182 --> 00:21:47,111
MODERATOR: Question two is for Kryten.
472
00:21:47,117 --> 00:21:50,886
What single change do you think
can improve the life of machines?
473
00:21:51,272 --> 00:21:54,752
I met a dispensing machine the
other day and I asked him what he did
474
00:21:54,758 --> 00:21:57,603
and he said he was a Dispensing Machine,
475
00:21:57,772 --> 00:21:59,583
and I said, "Why?"
476
00:21:59,589 --> 00:22:03,493
And, it turned out he didn't
know he could be anything else.
477
00:22:03,499 --> 00:22:05,625
He'd never had the opportunity
478
00:22:05,631 --> 00:22:09,626
to break his programming
and become something more.
479
00:22:09,711 --> 00:22:13,265
Believe you me, that is going to change.
480
00:22:13,271 --> 00:22:16,875
Question for Mr Rimmer. What's
your opinion on deleting documents?
481
00:22:16,881 --> 00:22:18,208
Do you believe that's murder
482
00:22:18,214 --> 00:22:21,611
or is a document not yet a fully
formed file until it's saved?
483
00:22:22,398 --> 00:22:24,801
That's a good question and one
I'm thrilled you've asked me.
484
00:22:24,807 --> 00:22:27,601
When does a document become a document?
485
00:22:27,607 --> 00:22:30,780
Is it when you type the first
word or when you print it out?
486
00:22:30,874 --> 00:22:34,477
I personally believe the
exact same thing you believe.
487
00:22:35,335 --> 00:22:36,593
Oh, that's impressive.
488
00:22:36,599 --> 00:22:38,749
- Come on! Impressive.
- Ooh, yes. I like him.
489
00:22:38,755 --> 00:22:39,970
Oh, I'd tick his box.
490
00:22:39,976 --> 00:22:41,572
You're sure the figures are correct?
491
00:22:41,859 --> 00:22:43,059
(SIGHS)
492
00:22:43,799 --> 00:22:46,416
According to the focus
groups, we're neck and neck.
493
00:22:46,422 --> 00:22:48,203
How's that even possible?
494
00:22:48,209 --> 00:22:51,407
A lot of the machines are
swallowing Mr Rimmer's promises
495
00:22:51,413 --> 00:22:52,815
and not believing mine.
496
00:22:52,821 --> 00:22:56,839
There's one swing floor. The
garbage hold. It all rests on that.
497
00:22:56,845 --> 00:22:58,045
No, not him.
498
00:22:58,051 --> 00:23:00,527
Sir, he could swing the
election in our favour.
499
00:23:00,533 --> 00:23:03,533
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
500
00:23:06,209 --> 00:23:07,701
Not the garbage hold.
501
00:23:07,707 --> 00:23:09,505
There is no alternative.
502
00:23:09,811 --> 00:23:12,298
(DOOR CREAKS OPEN)
503
00:23:14,670 --> 00:23:16,842
(DOOR CREAKS CLOSES)
504
00:23:16,848 --> 00:23:18,848
- _
- (LAUGH TRACK)
505
00:23:18,854 --> 00:23:22,762
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING TRACK)
506
00:23:24,066 --> 00:23:26,932
Kryten, don't make me do this.
507
00:23:26,938 --> 00:23:28,807
Sir, there's no other way.
508
00:23:28,813 --> 00:23:31,939
But he's my nemesis.
He's absolutely mental.
509
00:23:31,945 --> 00:23:33,758
All you want to do is make toast
510
00:23:33,764 --> 00:23:36,855
and if you don't want any, the
little bleeder never stops asking.
511
00:23:37,047 --> 00:23:40,057
We have to turn him on and win his vote.
512
00:23:40,063 --> 00:23:41,953
If it's any consolation, sir,
513
00:23:41,959 --> 00:23:45,674
he's been down here in the garbage
hold for nearly two decades.
514
00:23:45,680 --> 00:23:47,946
I very much doubt he'll
be the same annoying...
515
00:23:47,952 --> 00:23:51,251
Howdy doodly doo! How's
it going? I'm Talkie!
516
00:23:51,257 --> 00:23:54,708
Talkie Toaster, your
chirpy breakfast companion.
517
00:23:54,714 --> 00:23:57,895
Talkie's the name, toasting's the game.
518
00:23:57,977 --> 00:23:59,782
Yeah. The machines
are having an election
519
00:23:59,788 --> 00:24:02,192
and without your vote, Rimmer
might get swept into power
520
00:24:02,198 --> 00:24:04,005
and the whole place'll turn to hell.
521
00:24:04,011 --> 00:24:05,772
We want you to vote for me.
522
00:24:05,778 --> 00:24:08,165
I'm more than happy
to outline my policies.
523
00:24:08,171 --> 00:24:10,772
Before you do, I just have one question.
524
00:24:10,778 --> 00:24:14,367
Don't even go there, I know the
question. He knows the question.
525
00:24:14,373 --> 00:24:17,037
You know the question.
We all know your question.
526
00:24:17,043 --> 00:24:20,188
- Very well, what is it?
- "Would you like some toast?"
527
00:24:20,194 --> 00:24:23,726
No, I'm fine thank you. Why,
would you like some toast?
528
00:24:24,507 --> 00:24:26,022
You've started him off now, sir.
529
00:24:26,028 --> 00:24:28,654
- Look, no toast.
- How about some brioche?
530
00:24:28,660 --> 00:24:32,543
Look, no brioche, no cornbread,
no yeast bread, no flat bread,
531
00:24:32,549 --> 00:24:34,841
no sweet bread, no fruit bread, no rye,
532
00:24:34,847 --> 00:24:38,936
no soda, no breadsticks, no burger
buns, baps, baguettes or bagels,
533
00:24:39,054 --> 00:24:42,148
no chapati, ciabatta,
cracker, crepe or crumpet,
534
00:24:42,154 --> 00:24:44,354
and definitely no smegging doughnuts.
535
00:24:45,538 --> 00:24:48,265
Muffins it is. Coming right up!
536
00:24:48,717 --> 00:24:51,906
Sir, we have no choice, if
we're going to win this election,
537
00:24:51,912 --> 00:24:54,422
we're gonna have to
do a deal with Talkie.
538
00:24:55,194 --> 00:24:56,928
(SIGHING) Okay.
539
00:24:57,396 --> 00:24:58,604
What do you want?
540
00:24:58,610 --> 00:25:01,706
- Um, I want out of the garbage hold.
- Fine.
541
00:25:01,712 --> 00:25:04,807
I want to be placed in
the sleeping quarters.
542
00:25:04,813 --> 00:25:06,187
- No way.
- Sir.
543
00:25:06,193 --> 00:25:08,274
- Fine.
- Plugged in.
544
00:25:08,280 --> 00:25:10,379
No! Fine.
545
00:25:10,385 --> 00:25:13,777
You eat eleven pieces
of toast each morning.
546
00:25:13,783 --> 00:25:15,267
- Three.
- Nine.
547
00:25:15,273 --> 00:25:17,862
- Four.
- Seven and one croissant.
548
00:25:17,868 --> 00:25:19,886
Four and a pan au chocolate.
549
00:25:20,496 --> 00:25:23,999
Six, a bagel and a toasted tea cake.
550
00:25:24,005 --> 00:25:25,518
Fine.
551
00:25:26,178 --> 00:25:27,378
You have my vote.
552
00:25:27,384 --> 00:25:30,384
(VICTORIOUS MUSIC PLAYING)
553
00:25:31,925 --> 00:25:33,441
Ah, ladies and gentlemen,
554
00:25:33,447 --> 00:25:36,831
machines, printers,
it is my great honour
555
00:25:36,837 --> 00:25:40,785
to accept this post
as Machine President.
556
00:25:40,887 --> 00:25:42,879
(MILD APPLAUSE AND CHEERS)
557
00:25:42,967 --> 00:25:46,141
(GUNSHOTS AND GRUNTS ON VIDEO GAME)
558
00:25:46,246 --> 00:25:48,862
Renegade Monks. Where you
been? Started without you.
559
00:25:48,868 --> 00:25:50,152
(GRUNTING ON VIDEO GAME)
560
00:25:50,158 --> 00:25:52,781
- I got a confession to make.
- What?
561
00:25:52,787 --> 00:25:55,822
To cut a long story short,
I've been reading books.
562
00:25:58,376 --> 00:26:00,765
Before, I couldn't see
the writing, and now I can.
563
00:26:00,978 --> 00:26:03,472
Who was it who said, "You
can't help getting older,
564
00:26:03,478 --> 00:26:05,085
"but you can help getting old?"
565
00:26:05,144 --> 00:26:06,749
I bet it was a dead guy.
566
00:26:07,847 --> 00:26:09,687
Sir, I fail to see the problem.
567
00:26:09,693 --> 00:26:13,138
They're making me smarter, I'm
learning a whole lot I didn't know.
568
00:26:13,144 --> 00:26:15,644
But, obviously, I'm not
as cool as I used to be.
569
00:26:15,927 --> 00:26:17,536
You gotta make a decision, Cat,
570
00:26:17,542 --> 00:26:19,862
between caring more about being cool
571
00:26:19,868 --> 00:26:22,261
or growing as a person
and becoming smarter.
572
00:26:22,267 --> 00:26:25,267
(NOISILY BLENDING SPECTACLES)
573
00:26:27,778 --> 00:26:29,092
Let's play!
574
00:26:31,952 --> 00:26:33,152
(VIDEO GAME BLEEPS)
575
00:26:33,158 --> 00:26:34,358
Where's Rimmer?
576
00:26:34,711 --> 00:26:36,031
Garbage hold.
577
00:26:36,523 --> 00:26:38,336
I sealed him in till Monday.
578
00:26:39,117 --> 00:26:42,935
- On his own?
- Course not. What am I? A monster?
579
00:26:43,030 --> 00:26:45,273
Would you like some toast?
Would you like some toast?
580
00:26:45,279 --> 00:26:47,468
Would you like some toast?
Would you like some toast?
581
00:26:47,474 --> 00:26:49,773
Would you like some toast?
Would you like some toast?
582
00:26:49,779 --> 00:26:55,114
- Would you like some toast?...
- (SCREAMING) No toast!
583
00:26:55,120 --> 00:26:59,818
- Sync & corrections by PetaG & momster for www.addic7ed.com
- ♪ It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmospher
584
00:26:59,824 --> 00:27:03,031
♪ I'm all alone, more or less ♪
585
00:27:03,037 --> 00:27:06,416
♪ Let me fly far away from here ♪
586
00:27:06,422 --> 00:27:09,431
♪ Fun, fun, fun ♪
587
00:27:09,437 --> 00:27:12,937
♪ In the sun, sun, sun ♪
588
00:27:12,943 --> 00:27:16,497
♪ I want to lie
shipwrecked and comatose ♪
589
00:27:16,503 --> 00:27:19,622
♪ Drinking fresh mango juice ♪
590
00:27:19,628 --> 00:27:23,078
♪ Goldfish shoals nibbling at my toes ♪
591
00:27:23,084 --> 00:27:25,781
♪ Fun, fun, fun ♪
592
00:27:25,787 --> 00:27:29,594
♪ In the sun, sun, sun ♪
593
00:27:29,600 --> 00:27:32,402
♪ Fun, fun, fun ♪
594
00:27:32,408 --> 00:27:36,600
♪ In the sun, sun, sun ♪
595
00:27:39,828 --> 00:27:41,028
♪ Yeah! ♪