1
00:00:01,014 --> 00:00:02,052
_
2
00:00:02,077 --> 00:00:03,830
Phil, thank you so much for helping,
3
00:00:03,855 --> 00:00:06,268
especially after Jay was so rude
to you last night.
4
00:00:06,307 --> 00:00:09,063
I wanted to start
a new family tradition.
5
00:00:09,098 --> 00:00:10,593
In a way, I succeeded.
6
00:00:10,628 --> 00:00:13,388
We now have Phil Un-appreciation Day.
7
00:00:13,423 --> 00:00:16,164
- Hear ye, hear ye!
- Nope.
8
00:00:16,199 --> 00:00:20,805
I hereby declare the opening
of the first annual Dunphy Games.
9
00:00:20,840 --> 00:00:24,814
- Hard pass.
- Tests of strength, games of chance...
10
00:00:24,849 --> 00:00:27,768
with the champion receiving
the coveted Dunphy chalice
11
00:00:27,803 --> 00:00:30,516
and this gift card to Yogurtland.
12
00:00:30,610 --> 00:00:32,090
Phil, it's not going to happen.
13
00:00:32,118 --> 00:00:34,318
Your dissent has been noted, town elder,
14
00:00:34,387 --> 00:00:36,253
but perhaps those
who've seen fewer winters
15
00:00:36,322 --> 00:00:37,521
should cast a vote.
16
00:00:40,393 --> 00:00:44,365
Who dares accept the challenge
of a noodle-joust?
17
00:00:44,400 --> 00:00:45,579
No sale, Dad.
18
00:00:45,614 --> 00:00:47,810
Oh, well. Nice try, Son.
19
00:00:47,845 --> 00:00:50,472
I'll probably just drive
back to Florida, then.
20
00:00:50,507 --> 00:00:52,105
Great to see you guys.
21
00:00:58,962 --> 00:01:03,962
Synced and corrected by BLuk
www.addic7ed.com
22
00:01:04,404 --> 00:01:06,170
I just thought with everyone growing up,
23
00:01:06,239 --> 00:01:08,206
a new tradition
might give us another excuse
24
00:01:08,274 --> 00:01:09,874
to get together every year.
25
00:01:09,943 --> 00:01:12,043
Oh, baby, we can get together today
26
00:01:12,112 --> 00:01:13,911
for Joe's soccer-team party.
27
00:01:13,980 --> 00:01:18,182
We have superheroes coming.
We have the Superman, the X-Men.
28
00:01:18,251 --> 00:01:20,852
That's what Jay called
my dad and me. Ex-men.
29
00:01:20,920 --> 00:01:22,487
Ohh! That hurts!
30
00:01:22,555 --> 00:01:23,721
- Why, what happened?
- Oh, it's nothing.
31
00:01:23,790 --> 00:01:26,858
It's probably just my stilter's hip
flaring up. No, it's not.
32
00:01:26,926 --> 00:01:29,227
Oh, you don't look that good.
Do you have a fever?
33
00:01:29,295 --> 00:01:32,230
I don't know. I can't tell.
34
00:01:32,298 --> 00:01:34,699
Ay, no, you're burning up!
35
00:01:34,768 --> 00:01:37,502
Hi, I ordered your
Ultra-Soft Gel-Heel Socks,
36
00:01:37,570 --> 00:01:39,604
and they are both marked "L."
37
00:01:39,672 --> 00:01:40,872
And "L" is for...
38
00:01:40,940 --> 00:01:43,241
"L" is for large. Hilarious.
39
00:01:43,309 --> 00:01:45,276
I'm thinking I've been wearing
two left socks.
40
00:01:45,345 --> 00:01:46,711
I am adorable.
41
00:01:46,780 --> 00:01:48,946
Can you hang on a second?
42
00:01:49,015 --> 00:01:50,882
- CLAIRE: Hello?
- Claire, everything is okay,
43
00:01:50,950 --> 00:01:53,818
but I am taking Phil to the hospital.
44
00:01:53,887 --> 00:01:57,922
- He's dead!
- I was just resting my eyes!
45
00:01:57,991 --> 00:01:59,757
- Oh, God! What happened?!
- It's okay, honey.
46
00:01:59,826 --> 00:02:01,526
I just have a little bit
of stomach pain.
47
00:02:01,594 --> 00:02:03,294
Hang in there, sweetie. I'll...
I'm... I'm... I'm coming.
48
00:02:03,363 --> 00:02:04,395
I'll be... I'll be... I'll be there.
49
00:02:05,799 --> 00:02:07,098
Really, Schwartzy?
50
00:02:07,167 --> 00:02:08,499
Calling me while I'm putting?
51
00:02:08,568 --> 00:02:11,002
It's bush-league moves like that
why your wife left you,
52
00:02:11,071 --> 00:02:13,271
why we still play poker
and never invite you, why we...
53
00:02:13,339 --> 00:02:15,606
Oh, it's Gloria.
54
00:02:15,675 --> 00:02:17,975
Jay, pick up Joe and meet me
at the hospital!
55
00:02:18,044 --> 00:02:19,377
What happened? Is it Stella?!
56
00:02:19,446 --> 00:02:20,845
No, it's Phil!
57
00:02:20,914 --> 00:02:22,613
Wait a minute,
I'm... I'm getting another call.
58
00:02:22,682 --> 00:02:23,748
- Dad...
- JAY: I heard.
59
00:02:23,817 --> 00:02:25,817
Okay, Haley and Luke
are working at the club.
60
00:02:25,885 --> 00:02:27,985
Can you grab them
and meet me at the hospital?
61
00:02:28,054 --> 00:02:29,220
Sure thing.
Sorry, guys.
62
00:02:29,289 --> 00:02:30,855
Emergency, I gotta take the cart.
63
00:02:30,924 --> 00:02:33,257
- What?!
- The clubhouse is 50 yards away.
64
00:02:33,326 --> 00:02:36,661
Walk the first 25, make camp,
and then tackle the rest in the morning.
65
00:02:36,729 --> 00:02:39,197
Forget about Joe, I'll have
Mitch and Cam bring him.
66
00:02:39,265 --> 00:02:41,332
Phil, how's the pain?
On a scale of one to...
67
00:02:41,401 --> 00:02:42,600
Bo Derek!
68
00:02:42,669 --> 00:02:43,801
10. Got it.
69
00:02:43,870 --> 00:02:46,337
Boy, they did not
get that score wrong, huh?
70
00:02:48,141 --> 00:02:49,240
- Good.
- Yeah.
71
00:02:49,309 --> 00:02:51,476
Okay, it's good, but is it wow?
72
00:02:51,544 --> 00:02:53,211
We're inviting eight people
over for brunch
73
00:02:53,279 --> 00:02:56,013
with an invitation that reads,
"Friends, Romans, Hungreymen"...
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00:02:56,082 --> 00:02:57,482
they're gonna say wow.
75
00:02:57,550 --> 00:02:59,383
Hey, Gloria.
76
00:02:59,452 --> 00:03:01,419
I am taking Phil to the hospital!
77
00:03:01,488 --> 00:03:03,621
What? They're taking Phil
to the hospital.
78
00:03:03,690 --> 00:03:05,189
It's just a stomach issue.
79
00:03:05,258 --> 00:03:08,526
Please pick up Joe at soccer
and meet us over there.
80
00:03:08,595 --> 00:03:10,061
Of course. Oh, but what about Lily?
81
00:03:11,898 --> 00:03:13,931
What is that? A harp?
82
00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:15,533
No! Dios mío, no!
83
00:03:15,602 --> 00:03:17,401
The angels are coming down.
84
00:03:17,470 --> 00:03:20,138
You cannot have him yet!
85
00:03:21,574 --> 00:03:22,840
Hello?
86
00:03:22,909 --> 00:03:25,510
Haley, would you mind picking up
Lily from City Kidz gym?
87
00:03:25,578 --> 00:03:26,844
I don't have a car.
88
00:03:26,913 --> 00:03:28,746
Alex said she's on a date,
but she can grab Lily.
89
00:03:28,815 --> 00:03:30,781
Oh, crap. We don't have time
for this valet stuff.
90
00:03:30,850 --> 00:03:31,883
I'm going rogue.
91
00:03:31,951 --> 00:03:33,384
Luke, this thing's not fast enough.
92
00:03:33,453 --> 00:03:35,153
Grab a nine-iron, try to hook a bumper.
93
00:03:35,221 --> 00:03:36,487
Aah!
94
00:03:36,556 --> 00:03:39,223
Hey, Uncle Mitchell,
I'm kinda busy right now.
95
00:03:39,292 --> 00:03:41,292
He is? I'm on my way.
96
00:03:42,562 --> 00:03:45,496
Sorry, boys, gotta cut it short today.
97
00:03:45,565 --> 00:03:47,165
Hurry, hurry! Take him!
98
00:03:51,738 --> 00:03:54,071
If Phil dies,
would Claire get a new husband?
99
00:03:54,140 --> 00:03:55,540
Okay, he's not gonna die, bud.
100
00:03:55,608 --> 00:03:57,375
But to answer your question,
yes, probably.
101
00:03:57,443 --> 00:03:58,609
You have to move on with life.
102
00:03:58,678 --> 00:03:59,744
Wow.
103
00:03:59,812 --> 00:04:00,845
Wait for us.
104
00:04:00,914 --> 00:04:03,214
Comin' in hot! Comin' in hot!
105
00:04:04,684 --> 00:04:06,117
You're just gonna park that right there?
106
00:04:06,186 --> 00:04:08,819
I did the closets for head
of surgery here. I'm untouchable.
107
00:04:08,888 --> 00:04:10,588
Phil, honey, how are you?
108
00:04:10,657 --> 00:04:12,523
- Oh, back in the hospital.
- Oh.
109
00:04:12,592 --> 00:04:15,459
But better because of Elsie
and her friend IV.
110
00:04:15,528 --> 00:04:16,794
Oh.
111
00:04:16,863 --> 00:04:19,063
If it's okay, I invited IV
to come live with us.
112
00:04:19,132 --> 00:04:20,231
Uh-huh.
113
00:04:20,300 --> 00:04:21,399
Well, I brought you something
114
00:04:21,467 --> 00:04:23,968
that's gonna make you feel
so much better.
115
00:04:24,037 --> 00:04:26,604
Oh, Surgery Bear.
116
00:04:26,635 --> 00:04:29,703
Our first year dating,
we went to a carnival.
117
00:04:29,755 --> 00:04:30,988
At the milk-can toss,
118
00:04:31,057 --> 00:04:33,190
there was a bear
that Claire really liked.
119
00:04:33,259 --> 00:04:36,227
I spent all night trying
to win it, but I just couldn't.
120
00:04:36,295 --> 00:04:39,496
Came back the next night
and the carnival had left town.
121
00:04:39,565 --> 00:04:41,665
So, I drove to Fresno, failed again.
122
00:04:41,734 --> 00:04:43,133
Sacramento, no dice.
123
00:04:43,202 --> 00:04:46,103
Six weeks later, in Carson City,
Nevada, it happened.
124
00:04:46,172 --> 00:04:47,571
Yeah.
125
00:04:47,640 --> 00:04:49,773
When I handed it to her
and saw the smile on her face,
126
00:04:49,842 --> 00:04:51,675
I proposed to her on the spot.
127
00:04:53,045 --> 00:04:54,912
Anyhoo, it's come with me
128
00:04:54,981 --> 00:04:57,314
to every visit in the hospital
since for good luck.
129
00:04:57,383 --> 00:04:59,450
And I was so worried about forgetting it
130
00:04:59,518 --> 00:05:00,684
that guess what I did?
131
00:05:00,753 --> 00:05:01,952
Remembered it?
132
00:05:02,021 --> 00:05:04,488
Well, I brought you your nice,
comfy neck pillow,
133
00:05:04,557 --> 00:05:06,824
and I'm gonna run right home
and get you Surgery Bear, okay?
134
00:05:06,893 --> 00:05:07,898
- Okay.
- Okay.
135
00:05:07,927 --> 00:05:09,693
- Dad!
- Hi. Oh, honey.
136
00:05:09,762 --> 00:05:11,328
- Yeah?
- Just in case,
137
00:05:11,397 --> 00:05:13,898
I made one of my goodbye videos
for you and the kids.
138
00:05:13,966 --> 00:05:15,833
I posted it in the usual spot.
139
00:05:15,902 --> 00:05:17,501
- Okay.
- Goodbye videos?
140
00:05:17,570 --> 00:05:20,471
It's nothing, don't worry about it.
I'll be right back. I'll be right back.
141
00:05:20,539 --> 00:05:21,705
- Hey, Phil.
- Hi.
142
00:05:21,774 --> 00:05:22,907
How you feeling?
143
00:05:22,975 --> 00:05:25,276
Did you tell them about the long pants?
144
00:05:25,344 --> 00:05:27,511
Oh, yeah, they had to cut me out of them
145
00:05:27,580 --> 00:05:29,513
when th... when they got tangled up
146
00:05:29,582 --> 00:05:31,148
in the spokes of the wheelchair!
147
00:05:31,217 --> 00:05:33,117
JAY: Well, they gave him
the good stuff.
148
00:05:33,185 --> 00:05:34,652
Well, glad you got to
wish him well.
149
00:05:34,720 --> 00:05:37,087
We have to get this guy prepped
for his gallbladder surgery.
150
00:05:37,156 --> 00:05:39,156
That means they're gonna shave me.
151
00:05:39,225 --> 00:05:41,492
Should we be worried that
those could be his last words?
152
00:05:41,560 --> 00:05:42,760
I got this. Phil, we love you.
153
00:05:42,828 --> 00:05:44,762
I love you, too.
154
00:05:44,830 --> 00:05:46,530
They're gonna shave me.
155
00:05:46,599 --> 00:05:47,698
Well, we tried.
156
00:05:48,838 --> 00:05:50,938
So you're sure Phil's gonna be okay?
157
00:05:51,006 --> 00:05:54,240
Absolutely, Papi, Phil is not gonna die
in a long, long time.
158
00:05:54,309 --> 00:05:55,475
Am I going to die?
159
00:05:55,544 --> 00:05:57,710
Well, Joe, it's a natural thing
that we...
160
00:05:57,745 --> 00:05:58,978
Bup, bup, bup.
161
00:05:59,047 --> 00:06:01,347
This is not a topic
you tend to handle gently.
162
00:06:01,416 --> 00:06:03,049
It's not your fault,
163
00:06:03,117 --> 00:06:06,892
but many people in your orbit
met with ugly ends. I'll handle this.
164
00:06:06,927 --> 00:06:09,569
Fine. I have to pick up the party cake.
165
00:06:09,604 --> 00:06:11,660
It's shaped like a soccer ball.
166
00:06:11,695 --> 00:06:13,726
You sure that won't scare them?
'Cause the only thing
167
00:06:13,795 --> 00:06:15,361
I've seen them do with
a soccer ball is run from it.
168
00:06:16,631 --> 00:06:19,446
Look, kid, that's a deep question,
169
00:06:19,481 --> 00:06:21,314
"Will I die some day?"
170
00:06:21,349 --> 00:06:25,007
And I'm gonna be straight
with you about it... no.
171
00:06:25,042 --> 00:06:26,819
Never?
172
00:06:26,854 --> 00:06:30,171
A few years back, people would
live to be around 12.
173
00:06:30,206 --> 00:06:34,002
Nowadays, what with all the
science they're doing, sky's the limit.
174
00:06:34,027 --> 00:06:37,774
You play your cards right,
and someday you'll be 200,
175
00:06:37,809 --> 00:06:39,743
and if you learn anything
from your old man,
176
00:06:39,778 --> 00:06:44,395
you'll have a gorgeous
100-year-old bride on your arm.
177
00:06:44,430 --> 00:06:49,392
Uh, there will be some squawking
from women in their 180s,
178
00:06:49,427 --> 00:06:52,420
but, uh, you're a successful man
179
00:06:52,455 --> 00:06:54,871
and you've earned your happiness.
180
00:06:55,785 --> 00:06:56,970
CAMERON: What is a gallbladder?
181
00:06:57,039 --> 00:06:58,905
Yeah, and what's up with these
organs you don't even need?
182
00:06:58,974 --> 00:07:01,708
You can lose a gallbladder, an appendix,
and everything's fine.
183
00:07:01,777 --> 00:07:04,611
Yeah, kind of like husbands.
You lose one, you just get another.
184
00:07:04,680 --> 00:07:06,446
That is what you said earlier.
185
00:07:06,515 --> 00:07:08,849
Oh, how did I know that
was gonna boomerang back on me?
186
00:07:08,917 --> 00:07:12,401
I didn't bring it up to attack you.
I just wondered...
187
00:07:12,436 --> 00:07:14,221
have you ever thought about
who you'd end up with
188
00:07:14,289 --> 00:07:17,855
if, you know, my show closes early?
189
00:07:17,890 --> 00:07:20,574
I would give my right gallbladder
not to answer this question.
190
00:07:20,609 --> 00:07:21,832
Come on, it'll be a fun game.
191
00:07:21,867 --> 00:07:23,360
Don't you want to know
who I'm thinking about?
192
00:07:23,385 --> 00:07:24,391
I guess.
193
00:07:24,460 --> 00:07:26,827
Okay, well, then, let's just
say a name on three.
194
00:07:26,896 --> 00:07:28,362
- Cam.
- No, come on.
195
00:07:28,431 --> 00:07:29,930
I think you'll be surprised
by my choice.
196
00:07:29,999 --> 00:07:31,532
You ready?
197
00:07:31,600 --> 00:07:34,001
One, two, three...
198
00:07:34,069 --> 00:07:36,069
- Caleb.
- You're my everything.
199
00:07:36,138 --> 00:07:37,938
- Y-You... You tricked me.
- Okay, who's Caleb?
200
00:07:38,007 --> 00:07:40,107
You... You met him.
At... At Jotham's party.
201
00:07:40,176 --> 00:07:41,608
The... The massage therapist.
202
00:07:41,677 --> 00:07:43,310
Well, I guess he rubbed you
the right way.
203
00:07:43,379 --> 00:07:44,545
Cam, oh, come on.
204
00:07:44,613 --> 00:07:46,046
I only said a name
because you pressured me to.
205
00:07:46,115 --> 00:07:48,048
I've had like two conversations
with him.
206
00:07:48,117 --> 00:07:50,851
Look, I-I only picked him
because he reminds me of you.
207
00:07:50,920 --> 00:07:53,754
So sweet and open
and such a good balance for me.
208
00:07:53,823 --> 00:07:55,289
I-I thought he might be, too.
209
00:07:55,357 --> 00:07:57,491
Well, then, that's lovely.
210
00:07:58,327 --> 00:08:00,193
Oh, thank God. I cut the right wire.
211
00:08:00,262 --> 00:08:01,962
Okay, what is a gallbladder?
212
00:08:02,030 --> 00:08:06,399
The gallbladder is "a 4-inch
pear-shaped organ that stores bile."
213
00:08:06,480 --> 00:08:08,179
Like... Like a little bile cabinet.
214
00:08:09,349 --> 00:08:11,850
That's why people want us around.
215
00:08:14,087 --> 00:08:15,420
Uh, Caleb.
216
00:08:15,489 --> 00:08:16,688
- Hey, Mitchell.
- CAMERON: Hey.
217
00:08:16,757 --> 00:08:18,356
Thanks for coming on such short notice.
218
00:08:18,425 --> 00:08:20,458
You can set your table up,
uh, down in the TV area.
219
00:08:20,527 --> 00:08:21,559
- Sounds good.
- You got it.
220
00:08:21,628 --> 00:08:23,628
What's going on?
221
00:08:23,697 --> 00:08:25,530
Uh, would you stop being so suspicious?
222
00:08:25,599 --> 00:08:28,333
You said you neck hurt from
posing for our photograph...
223
00:08:28,401 --> 00:08:31,002
so I invited Caleb over
to ply his trade.
224
00:08:31,071 --> 00:08:34,038
I do not think he's here to ply.
I think he's here so you can pry.
225
00:08:34,107 --> 00:08:35,740
ALEX: Dad's gonna be fine.
226
00:08:35,809 --> 00:08:37,242
Since we're on the subject,
at my funeral,
227
00:08:37,310 --> 00:08:39,077
make sure the pallbearers
say things like,
228
00:08:39,146 --> 00:08:42,647
"Wow, she's so light,"
and things like, "Is she even in here?"
229
00:08:42,716 --> 00:08:45,049
I don't want to be buried.
I'm donating my body to science.
230
00:08:45,118 --> 00:08:46,368
Haven't you already?
231
00:08:46,403 --> 00:08:47,918
I'm putting kettle bells in your coffin.
232
00:08:48,012 --> 00:08:49,912
And make sure my cadaver
goes to an Ivy League.
233
00:08:49,981 --> 00:08:52,081
I don't want some hungover
freshman from Swarthmore
234
00:08:52,150 --> 00:08:53,549
getting his hands all over me.
235
00:08:53,618 --> 00:08:54,717
Mm. It's not so bad.
236
00:08:54,786 --> 00:08:56,018
I'm never gonna die.
237
00:08:56,087 --> 00:08:58,154
Science is gonna find
a cure for everything.
238
00:08:58,222 --> 00:08:59,655
Grandpa told me that.
239
00:08:59,724 --> 00:09:03,058
Quick, kids, hey, listen,
Surgery Bear is not upstairs. Any ideas?
240
00:09:03,127 --> 00:09:05,428
Oh, right, Dad gave it to Joe
when he got his tonsils taken out.
241
00:09:05,496 --> 00:09:07,897
You could've told me that
before I looked through Luke's drawers.
242
00:09:07,965 --> 00:09:10,332
- Which drawer?!
- We'll get into that later.
243
00:09:13,337 --> 00:09:14,703
Come on!
244
00:09:14,772 --> 00:09:16,238
Damn it.
245
00:09:17,475 --> 00:09:19,675
Hey, honey, did you find Surgery Bear?
246
00:09:19,780 --> 00:09:21,480
Uh... yeah, sure did.
247
00:09:21,549 --> 00:09:25,251
He's... He's right here
with his beautiful blue eyes.
248
00:09:25,319 --> 00:09:26,485
I always considered them hazel,
249
00:09:26,554 --> 00:09:28,187
but who could tell
underneath those sunglasses?
250
00:09:28,256 --> 00:09:30,456
Sunglasses. Right.
251
00:09:30,524 --> 00:09:31,857
Um...
252
00:09:31,926 --> 00:09:34,727
why don't you tell me
what your favorite thing is
253
00:09:34,795 --> 00:09:35,995
about Surgery Bear?
254
00:09:36,063 --> 00:09:39,164
Well, as you know, he's the polar...
255
00:09:40,735 --> 00:09:42,522
...opposite of me.
256
00:09:42,557 --> 00:09:43,635
I mean, I hate surfing.
257
00:09:44,670 --> 00:09:47,471
But it makes sense
that a fireman would love it.
258
00:09:47,539 --> 00:09:49,507
Yes, of course.
259
00:09:49,536 --> 00:09:51,976
In my mind, he's a volunteer
fireman during the summer
260
00:09:52,044 --> 00:09:53,977
because professors have those off.
261
00:09:54,046 --> 00:09:55,591
Professors have... Yes.
262
00:09:55,625 --> 00:09:56,681
Oh, gotta run, honey.
263
00:09:56,730 --> 00:09:58,756
Elsie's here to give me
another shot for the pain.
264
00:09:58,791 --> 00:10:02,064
Don't be stingy, Elsie.
Last time, it took forever to fee...
265
00:10:05,521 --> 00:10:08,255
Oh, thank God you're here.
266
00:10:08,323 --> 00:10:09,489
Which one of these is Surgery Bear?
267
00:10:09,558 --> 00:10:12,559
Neither one. I gave him to Manny
when he went to college.
268
00:10:12,628 --> 00:10:13,660
Ugh!
269
00:10:20,235 --> 00:10:22,869
Was that Claire?
270
00:10:22,938 --> 00:10:25,205
I don't know, but we've
given out too many keys.
271
00:10:25,274 --> 00:10:27,207
Look out below!
272
00:10:27,276 --> 00:10:29,342
What are you doing there?!
You're gonna kill yourself!
273
00:10:29,411 --> 00:10:32,546
No, I won't.
Dad said I'm gonna live forever.
274
00:10:32,614 --> 00:10:33,713
Come down here.
275
00:10:33,782 --> 00:10:35,682
Is that what you told him?
Are you crazy?
276
00:10:35,701 --> 00:10:37,701
I didn't want to steal
the kid's innocence.
277
00:10:37,770 --> 00:10:41,171
Joe, I know what
your father said, but forget it.
278
00:10:41,240 --> 00:10:42,973
You can die from that.
279
00:10:43,042 --> 00:10:44,108
Really?
280
00:10:44,176 --> 00:10:47,478
Yes. People die all the time.
That's why you have to be careful.
281
00:10:47,547 --> 00:10:50,247
Everyone dies. You can choke
282
00:10:50,316 --> 00:10:53,484
or something very heavy
can fall on top of your head.
283
00:10:53,553 --> 00:10:56,586
One time, I heard there was
a little kid that exploded.
284
00:10:56,777 --> 00:11:00,345
The nuns said that it was
because of unclean thoughts.
285
00:11:00,414 --> 00:11:02,014
Do you get all this?
286
00:11:02,083 --> 00:11:04,049
Yes, Mommy.
287
00:11:04,118 --> 00:11:06,018
Those are your friends. Go welcome them.
288
00:11:06,087 --> 00:11:07,553
Hi, Joe. I brought cupcakes.
289
00:11:07,621 --> 00:11:10,422
What's the point?
290
00:11:10,491 --> 00:11:12,691
- You okay with the pressure?
- If you looked under this table,
291
00:11:12,760 --> 00:11:14,660
you'll see I'm drooling
like a trumpeter.
292
00:11:14,728 --> 00:11:16,261
Hey, sorry to interrupt.
293
00:11:16,330 --> 00:11:18,263
Made some hot tea
and some homemade cookies.
294
00:11:18,332 --> 00:11:20,566
I'm suddenly feeling some tension
in your shoulder here, Mitchell.
295
00:11:20,634 --> 00:11:22,634
Do you cook, like I do, Caleb, or...?
296
00:11:22,703 --> 00:11:24,603
Oh, no. Not as much as I used to.
297
00:11:24,672 --> 00:11:28,540
Oh, yeah, well, nothin' says lovin'
like a home-cooked meal.
298
00:11:29,146 --> 00:11:30,245
I know.
299
00:11:30,314 --> 00:11:32,681
I had my own restaurant for 15 years.
300
00:11:32,750 --> 00:11:34,950
Oh, but it failed
and you lost everything?
301
00:11:35,019 --> 00:11:36,618
No, I had to walk away.
302
00:11:36,687 --> 00:11:38,453
It's such a stressful life.
303
00:11:38,522 --> 00:11:41,056
But I do miss
having someone to cook for.
304
00:11:41,125 --> 00:11:43,058
Cam, maybe you want
to get into these topics
305
00:11:43,127 --> 00:11:44,626
with Caleb during your massage?
306
00:11:44,695 --> 00:11:47,062
Oh, yeah, okay. I'll leave you guys.
307
00:11:47,131 --> 00:11:50,198
And the knots are melting away.
308
00:11:50,267 --> 00:11:52,401
- You know, I'm a drummer.
- Big one coming back here now.
309
00:11:52,469 --> 00:11:54,336
Are you musical in any way, Caleb?
310
00:11:54,407 --> 00:11:56,507
Yeah, I was actually in a band once.
311
00:11:56,576 --> 00:11:59,377
Oh. But it failed
and you lost everything?
312
00:11:59,446 --> 00:12:01,779
Uh, no. We actually toured
Europe for a couple years.
313
00:12:01,848 --> 00:12:03,548
Bought me a house and a cabin in Hawaii.
314
00:12:03,616 --> 00:12:06,017
When you say Hawaii,
you mean the big island of Ha-va-ee?
315
00:12:06,086 --> 00:12:07,151
I'm sorry, Caleb.
316
00:12:07,220 --> 00:12:08,920
I just remembered
I need to talk to Cameron
317
00:12:08,989 --> 00:12:10,621
about the recycling bin.
318
00:12:10,690 --> 00:12:12,656
Would you excuse us?
319
00:12:12,896 --> 00:12:16,431
- Sure.
- Thanks.
320
00:12:16,500 --> 00:12:17,699
You're acting crazy.
321
00:12:17,768 --> 00:12:19,000
Okay, you know what?
322
00:12:19,069 --> 00:12:21,536
I have some health issues
on my mind, Mitchell,
323
00:12:21,605 --> 00:12:23,438
and I was simply evaluating the man
324
00:12:23,507 --> 00:12:26,207
who might become
Lily's stepfather someday.
325
00:12:26,276 --> 00:12:28,076
Cam, your... your health is fine.
326
00:12:28,145 --> 00:12:29,944
You don't know that. Phil
probably thought the same thing
327
00:12:30,012 --> 00:12:31,012
when he woke up this morning.
328
00:12:31,021 --> 00:12:32,046
- Okay.
- Things lurk.
329
00:12:32,115 --> 00:12:33,281
Okay, so that's what this is?
330
00:12:33,350 --> 00:12:36,818
You... Seeing Phil flipped you out,
but nothing is lurking.
331
00:12:36,887 --> 00:12:39,287
Okay. Maybe I'm being crazy.
332
00:12:39,356 --> 00:12:41,990
How about if I send him home...
333
00:12:42,058 --> 00:12:45,126
and finish this little massage myself?
334
00:12:45,195 --> 00:12:47,796
Hey! Uh, everything okay
with the recycling bins?
335
00:12:47,864 --> 00:12:49,364
What? Oh. Oh. The excuse.
336
00:12:49,432 --> 00:12:51,499
Y-Y-Yes, and listen, about earlier, um,
337
00:12:51,568 --> 00:12:54,569
Mitchell has a little crush
on you and I was being weird,
338
00:12:54,638 --> 00:12:56,070
but we're all good now, so...
339
00:12:56,139 --> 00:12:58,573
No, it's actually really nice to hear.
340
00:12:58,642 --> 00:12:59,974
- I just got dumped...
- Aww.
341
00:13:00,043 --> 00:13:02,544
...so I'll take
any validation I can get.
342
00:13:02,612 --> 00:13:05,046
Did he say what exactly
about me he liked?
343
00:13:05,115 --> 00:13:06,714
I think how not needy you are.
344
00:13:06,783 --> 00:13:09,317
Anyway, we've put you
through enough, you should go.
345
00:13:09,386 --> 00:13:10,652
I'll finish the massage.
346
00:13:10,720 --> 00:13:12,854
Oh, absolutely not.
Please, you've already paid.
347
00:13:12,923 --> 00:13:14,889
Besides, when I leave,
I'm just gonna be alone
348
00:13:14,958 --> 00:13:17,158
in that apartment
with the parrot that we adopted.
349
00:13:17,227 --> 00:13:19,527
Where's Silvio? Where's Silvio?
350
00:13:19,596 --> 00:13:23,164
I don't know. He left!
351
00:13:27,838 --> 00:13:29,704
Hey, I-I just had an impulse.
352
00:13:29,773 --> 00:13:31,339
Let's skip the massage.
353
00:13:31,408 --> 00:13:34,676
I'll grab some wine and you can
meet me in the bedroom.
354
00:13:34,744 --> 00:13:36,578
Go on. Get in there.
355
00:13:42,840 --> 00:13:44,106
MANNY: Go away!
356
00:13:44,175 --> 00:13:47,076
You don't even know who it is.
It's Claire. I need Surgery Bear.
357
00:13:47,144 --> 00:13:50,071
- Not a good time, Claire.
- Oh, gotta have it, buddy.
358
00:13:50,106 --> 00:13:53,147
You know how in college, everybody
goes through a rebellious phase...
359
00:13:53,152 --> 00:13:55,119
You know how one time Alex
locked herself in the bathroom
360
00:13:55,187 --> 00:13:56,220
and I kicked the door down?
361
00:13:57,857 --> 00:14:00,624
That's what all the fuss
is about? An earring?
362
00:14:00,693 --> 00:14:02,192
Ugh. Where's the bear?
363
00:14:02,261 --> 00:14:04,295
Closet.
364
00:14:04,363 --> 00:14:06,830
I started with an earring.
No one even noticed.
365
00:14:06,899 --> 00:14:08,499
So, you might need to up your game, pal.
366
00:14:08,568 --> 00:14:10,034
Try wearing a snake
around your neck
367
00:14:10,102 --> 00:14:12,169
and then act annoyed when people
want to talk about it.
368
00:14:12,238 --> 00:14:13,404
Drawers?
369
00:14:13,472 --> 00:14:15,606
I went a different way.
370
00:14:15,674 --> 00:14:16,674
Uh-huh.
371
00:14:16,742 --> 00:14:18,642
Oh! Okay.
372
00:14:18,711 --> 00:14:20,578
Wow.
373
00:14:20,646 --> 00:14:25,015
Well, first of all, welcome.
We do have more fun.
374
00:14:25,892 --> 00:14:27,692
I'm guessing you like it,
375
00:14:27,761 --> 00:14:29,827
but you're worried
what other people will think?
376
00:14:29,896 --> 00:14:32,196
A passerby likened me to a tennis ball.
377
00:14:32,265 --> 00:14:33,464
And you can't...
378
00:14:33,533 --> 00:14:35,800
hide in here until it grows out.
379
00:14:35,869 --> 00:14:38,302
I ran the numbers.
Even with inside-out wearings,
380
00:14:38,371 --> 00:14:39,637
I'd be out of underwear in three weeks.
381
00:14:39,706 --> 00:14:41,606
Yeah.
382
00:14:41,674 --> 00:14:45,643
Um, let me tell you about
the happiest guy I know.
383
00:14:45,712 --> 00:14:48,379
He stretched a tightrope
across his front yard.
384
00:14:48,448 --> 00:14:50,548
Didn't worry about the neighbors.
385
00:14:50,617 --> 00:14:52,850
He pogo-sticked to work, and...
386
00:14:54,220 --> 00:14:57,188
The point is, he doesn't care
what anybody thinks,
387
00:14:57,257 --> 00:14:58,389
and if he did,
388
00:14:58,458 --> 00:15:01,459
he wouldn't have had
half the fun he's had.
389
00:15:02,352 --> 00:15:03,361
Let me ask you again.
390
00:15:04,459 --> 00:15:06,508
How do you feel about the hair?
391
00:15:06,565 --> 00:15:08,291
- Kinda like it.
- Yeah.
392
00:15:08,575 --> 00:15:10,972
How do you feel about the fact
that Jay's gonna hate it?
393
00:15:11,007 --> 00:15:12,844
I love that.
394
00:15:14,915 --> 00:15:16,147
Thanks, Claire.
395
00:15:16,216 --> 00:15:18,525
Yeah, I'm gonna hold on
just a little longer.
396
00:15:18,560 --> 00:15:20,870
I need it today. Okay.
397
00:15:21,401 --> 00:15:23,455
Oh. Cabinet.
398
00:15:26,073 --> 00:15:27,533
Come on.
399
00:15:31,411 --> 00:15:32,605
I hate to interrupt,
400
00:15:32,674 --> 00:15:34,674
but if you just scream
you'll call her back,
401
00:15:34,743 --> 00:15:37,076
you might want to see
how Joe's party's going.
402
00:15:39,814 --> 00:15:42,181
Apparently,
Joe shared the uplifting news
403
00:15:42,250 --> 00:15:44,917
that his friends could die
at any minute.
404
00:15:48,390 --> 00:15:50,189
Hey, so, I love what I do,
405
00:15:50,258 --> 00:15:52,592
but I feed off the energy
of my audience.
406
00:15:52,661 --> 00:15:53,926
And if I'm not getting a lot back,
407
00:15:53,995 --> 00:15:56,195
it's harder for me to forget
I'm a 45-year-old
408
00:15:56,264 --> 00:15:58,197
classically trained actor in a body sock
409
00:15:58,266 --> 00:16:00,533
and a cape that doubles
as a curtain in my van.
410
00:16:00,602 --> 00:16:02,835
So, I'm gonna go.
411
00:16:03,125 --> 00:16:04,992
Jackson, Mama's here!
412
00:16:05,061 --> 00:16:07,495
You told them
they were all going to die?
413
00:16:07,563 --> 00:16:09,897
No, only Joe, but in a very nice way.
414
00:16:09,966 --> 00:16:11,966
Really? Because it looks like
the "before" picture
415
00:16:12,034 --> 00:16:13,434
in an ad for chewable Prozac.
416
00:16:13,503 --> 00:16:15,636
Take us, too!
417
00:16:15,705 --> 00:16:17,271
Joe, come here.
418
00:16:17,340 --> 00:16:20,474
We need to talk again about the thing.
419
00:16:20,543 --> 00:16:22,176
I think I'm just gonna go to bed.
420
00:16:22,245 --> 00:16:25,212
JAY: Hold on.
It's true we all die sometime.
421
00:16:25,281 --> 00:16:29,449
But someone like you, so young,
is gonna live a long, long, long time.
422
00:16:29,484 --> 00:16:30,536
Yeah, and the thing is,
423
00:16:30,571 --> 00:16:32,386
knowing we're gonna die some day
can be a good thing.
424
00:16:32,455 --> 00:16:35,376
Because it reminds us to appreciate
425
00:16:35,411 --> 00:16:37,061
every minute that we're around.
426
00:16:38,231 --> 00:16:39,997
It's hitting you hard, isn't it?
427
00:16:40,066 --> 00:16:42,433
It feels like I'm never
going to laugh again.
428
00:16:42,502 --> 00:16:43,801
But that's natural.
429
00:16:43,870 --> 00:16:46,404
This is a pretty adult thing
you're dealing with here.
430
00:16:46,472 --> 00:16:48,406
In fact, I'd be worried about you
431
00:16:48,474 --> 00:16:51,375
if you weren't walking underneath
a cloud for a few days.
432
00:16:51,444 --> 00:16:52,810
- And eventually...
- Hey!
433
00:16:59,779 --> 00:17:02,146
Hey. You, me, bedroom.
434
00:17:02,214 --> 00:17:04,915
I got the Syrah and I want
to do something Syr-wrong.
435
00:17:04,984 --> 00:17:06,383
But what about your massage?
436
00:17:06,452 --> 00:17:10,354
I said I didn't want it. Come on.
437
00:17:10,422 --> 00:17:12,589
Mitchell, I am so happy
we're doing this.
438
00:17:12,658 --> 00:17:14,725
We haven't done
anything spontaneous in forever.
439
00:17:14,794 --> 00:17:16,693
I hope you like
what I picked out for us.
440
00:17:16,762 --> 00:17:18,695
It is a little fruitier
than we're used to.
441
00:17:18,764 --> 00:17:21,064
Ugh, what a day, huh?
442
00:17:21,133 --> 00:17:23,267
Togas and health scares...
443
00:17:23,335 --> 00:17:24,735
Mitchell, I love you,
444
00:17:24,804 --> 00:17:27,171
and I don't want Caleb
to get between us.
445
00:17:27,239 --> 00:17:28,539
Oh, so, where do you want me, then?
446
00:17:28,607 --> 00:17:30,507
Wha...? Oh, my God.
W-What are you doing here?
447
00:17:30,576 --> 00:17:31,942
Me? I... Cameron said that you liked me,
448
00:17:32,011 --> 00:17:33,644
and then you said
meet you in the bedroom.
449
00:17:33,712 --> 00:17:35,410
You told Caleb that I liked him?
450
00:17:35,445 --> 00:17:36,446
You told him
to meet you in the bedroom?
451
00:17:36,515 --> 00:17:37,948
I thought I was talking to you.
452
00:17:38,017 --> 00:17:39,716
Guys, it sounds like all three
of us could really use this.
453
00:17:39,785 --> 00:17:43,487
Take it easy, Caleb. You'll have
Mitchell to yourself soon enough.
454
00:17:43,556 --> 00:17:45,691
Cam, you're not dying!
455
00:17:45,726 --> 00:17:46,979
We don't know that I'm not!
456
00:17:47,014 --> 00:17:51,626
I-I had a cousin that died at my age
from a genetic condition,
457
00:17:51,661 --> 00:17:53,520
and it runs
on my mom's side of the family.
458
00:17:53,555 --> 00:17:55,521
And if you have those two genes,
you're at risk.
459
00:17:55,556 --> 00:17:58,077
That's why I've been acting
crazy all day.
460
00:17:58,112 --> 00:17:59,528
Well, then, take a test
461
00:17:59,563 --> 00:18:01,876
to make sure you don't have
that pair of mom genes.
462
00:18:01,911 --> 00:18:05,477
Mitchell, I did take the test.
I took it a week ago,
463
00:18:05,512 --> 00:18:07,784
and I've been too scared
to look at the results.
464
00:18:07,806 --> 00:18:10,193
Oh, honey, I'm... I'm so sorry
465
00:18:10,228 --> 00:18:11,483
you've been going through
this by yourself.
466
00:18:11,518 --> 00:18:13,823
Hey... Hey, let's look at
the results together, okay?
467
00:18:13,858 --> 00:18:14,960
- Really?
- Yeah.
468
00:18:16,785 --> 00:18:18,893
Okay, here goes.
469
00:18:19,939 --> 00:18:21,504
- Oh, thank God.
- You're okay?
470
00:18:21,539 --> 00:18:24,012
No, my Etsy order shipped.
But, okay, here's the... here it is.
471
00:18:24,047 --> 00:18:26,166
- You look. I cannot look at it.
- Okay, okay, okay.
472
00:18:26,201 --> 00:18:27,483
It's... It's negative.
473
00:18:27,573 --> 00:18:29,045
- What?
- You're fine. Look.
474
00:18:29,070 --> 00:18:30,074
- Is it?
- Yeah.
475
00:18:30,109 --> 00:18:31,781
Oh, my God! I can't believe it!
476
00:18:31,944 --> 00:18:34,779
Oh, now, that is something to celebrate.
477
00:18:34,814 --> 00:18:36,277
- I love you.
- I love you.
478
00:18:36,312 --> 00:18:38,885
All right, guys,
I'm not... I'm not dense here.
479
00:18:38,920 --> 00:18:40,986
I-I know this is my cue to leave.
480
00:18:42,086 --> 00:18:46,222
But what you guys have is...
it's very special.
481
00:18:47,079 --> 00:18:48,735
You should cherish that.
482
00:18:49,334 --> 00:18:51,498
- Caleb...
- I am so back in.
483
00:18:51,567 --> 00:18:53,968
I was gonna say, if you want
to take the cookies when you leave...
484
00:18:54,036 --> 00:18:56,604
No offense, but what do you see in him?
485
00:19:01,043 --> 00:19:02,776
Oh, no. I'm in heaven.
486
00:19:02,845 --> 00:19:05,412
No. No, you're not.
Not yet. You made it.
487
00:19:05,481 --> 00:19:08,249
And just so you know,
Surgery Bear was here
488
00:19:08,317 --> 00:19:09,984
and scrubbed in for the whole procedure.
489
00:19:10,052 --> 00:19:13,925
That's pretty dangerous.
He's a women's studies professor.
490
00:19:14,091 --> 00:19:16,859
Besides, the only thing I really
needed was my neck pillow.
491
00:19:16,928 --> 00:19:18,294
What?
492
00:19:18,362 --> 00:19:19,762
I knew if you didn't have
something to keep you busy,
493
00:19:19,830 --> 00:19:21,263
you'd worry all day.
494
00:19:21,332 --> 00:19:22,498
Aww, honey.
495
00:19:22,567 --> 00:19:24,733
You really do know me.
496
00:19:24,802 --> 00:19:27,703
I'm glad you woke up when you did.
497
00:19:27,772 --> 00:19:30,973
You almost slept through
the second Saturday in January.
498
00:19:31,042 --> 00:19:32,975
Why would you put it like that?
499
00:19:33,044 --> 00:19:35,511
Hear ye, hear ye!
500
00:19:35,580 --> 00:19:39,014
I hereby declare the opening of
the first annual Dunphy Games...
501
00:19:39,083 --> 00:19:40,382
hospital edition.
502
00:19:41,519 --> 00:19:43,219
Tests of strength...
503
00:19:44,073 --> 00:19:45,106
chance...
504
00:19:46,576 --> 00:19:48,376
- ...and cunning.
- Yes!
505
00:19:48,444 --> 00:19:51,012
â(Trademark)ª
506
00:19:51,080 --> 00:19:52,346
Ahh!
507
00:19:54,017 --> 00:19:55,816
Oh-ho!
508
00:19:55,885 --> 00:19:59,820
JAY: With the winner receiving
the coveted Dunphy chalice.
509
00:19:59,889 --> 00:20:01,756
To our champion, Mitchell!
510
00:20:03,359 --> 00:20:04,558
Yes!
511
00:20:04,627 --> 00:20:06,394
Extinguish the torch.
512
00:20:06,462 --> 00:20:09,530
And that concludes
the first Dunphy Games.
513
00:20:09,599 --> 00:20:11,866
Uh, Wi-Wi-Winter Dunphy Games.
514
00:20:11,934 --> 00:20:14,869
We'll see you all again
July 9 for the Summer...
515
00:20:14,937 --> 00:20:17,104
- Take the win, Phil.
- Okay. Okay. All right.
516
00:20:18,030 --> 00:20:21,038
So we discovered our dad made
a series of videos through the years.
517
00:20:21,293 --> 00:20:24,247
Every time he was in danger,
he made a goodbye video for us.
518
00:20:24,272 --> 00:20:28,639
It turns out he's had the same
haircut for a really long time.
519
00:20:28,664 --> 00:20:31,350
Hey, kids, um, I've been trapped
in this porta-potty
520
00:20:31,361 --> 00:20:33,315
for some time now,
and as you can see by the...
521
00:20:33,407 --> 00:20:35,140
the curling edges of my mustache,
522
00:20:35,192 --> 00:20:37,028
the, uh, the chemical fumes are strong.
523
00:20:37,062 --> 00:20:41,250
I didn't plan to be on an airplane
for Y2K, but here I am.
524
00:20:41,402 --> 00:20:45,358
A quick, loving goodbye as I am
surrounded by a swarm of bears.
525
00:20:45,373 --> 00:20:47,666
If anything happens to me
today, I have faith knowing
526
00:20:47,675 --> 00:20:49,352
that the three of you
will always have each other.
527
00:20:49,422 --> 00:20:51,247
My fingers are numb,
to the point at which
528
00:20:51,260 --> 00:20:53,012
it's hard to even keep a grip
on the phone.
529
00:20:54,063 --> 00:20:55,428
No!
530
00:20:56,055 --> 00:20:58,618
Oh, no! It's happening! It's hap...
531
00:20:58,880 --> 00:21:01,167
Oh, they're... they're just
starting the movie.
532
00:21:01,197 --> 00:21:02,979
Oh. It's... It's "A Bug's Life."
533
00:21:03,059 --> 00:21:04,192
They're goofy.
534
00:21:04,294 --> 00:21:06,494
But it's sweet that he wanted
his last words on Earth
535
00:21:06,596 --> 00:21:08,096
to be something for his family.
536
00:21:08,198 --> 00:21:09,297
Yeah.
537
00:21:09,399 --> 00:21:10,832
Also, we've reached a point
in world history
538
00:21:10,934 --> 00:21:13,368
where it's become much too easy
to film yourself.
539
00:21:13,470 --> 00:21:15,003
Totally.
540
00:21:15,105 --> 00:21:16,455
Wait, what?
541
00:21:16,480 --> 00:21:21,480
Synced and corrected by BLuk
www.addic7ed.com