[Music]
[Pam sighs]
[Pam] He looks so peaceful, doesn't he?
Sometimes I wonder if he's dreaming.
But then I remember I don't give a shit.
[blows whistle] [screams]
[screaming] What the...?
[woman screams] [Archer screams]
Who the hell are you? [Crackers screaming]
[woman screaming]
Shut the f... [blows whistle]
God... [woman and Archer scream]
Hey! [woman and Crackers screaming]
Goddamn it! [gunshots]
[woman crying]
What is your problem?
- Patch. Patch. Eye patch. - What... Son of a...
[crying continues]
[scoffs] Oh, thanks, lady. Hang on.
Okay, there. Sorry.
[Crackers snickering] Shut up, bird.
Why are you in here, dummy?
What...? Because the frickin' fuel pump's
still hinky and we got that charter.
- That's tomorrow. - It is tomorrow.
- I just said that. - No, you...
- You've been drunk two days! - Oh, right.
So I guess that explains why you're here, naked lady stranger.
[crying]
But why the hell are you crying?
Buh... Buh... Buh... Buh...
Buh-cause...
[sloppy sniff]
...it's my ho... ho... ho... honeymo-oooon!
[sobbing]
We got married?!
[chuckles] Jesus Christ. [gasps]
[Title theme]
sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~
No, you idiot! I got married to my husband.
- This is my honeymoon! - [chuckling] Oh, thank God.
- For a minute there, I... - I remember drinking champagne
in the bar, and then Whitney went off
to play roulette in the back room...
He just ditched you? What a jerk.
- Yeah. Plus, Whitney. - But then it all goes a bit fuzzy.
[jazz music playing] [patrons chattering]
I think that patch is sexy
and I kinda want to put my tongue in there.
[belches] Oh, okay.
Oh, my God! What have I done?!
Well, hopefully not that. [crying]
[door opens in distance] [man] Charlotte?!
[gasps] That's him!
- Who's him? - My husband!
- Duh. - Right?
[pounding on door] [man] Answer me this instant!
- You have to hide me! - Uh, actually, I do not.
- Wh...? Are you...? - Ooh! Here! Hide in here!
What the hell are you doing? [pounding on door]
- [man] Charlotte! - Oh, come on, don't be a dick.
[deep sigh]
- What? - Yes, I'm looking for my wife,
Mrs. Charlotte Stratton? Nee Vandertunt?
Redhead? Kind of flibbertigibbity?
Oh, why, yes, as a matter of fact.
Closet.
- What?! - Archer!
- [Crackers] C'mon, man... - Charlotte!
What are you doing? You're ruining everything!
[Charlotte screams; Crackers squawks] Why the hell'd you do that?
What'd you think, we're going to run away
and live happily ever after?
[objects breaking in distance] I mean...
How could I ever trust her?
[Charlotte screaming; Crackers squawking] You know, plus she obviously
- makes terrible decisions. - I'll say.
- You'll say what? - What.
- Goddamn it, Manu. If... - [Malory] Sterling! [chuckles]
[groans] Mama wants you.
Don't call her that!
Oh, I would just murder that.
- Me too. - I meant sexually.
- I meant murder-ly. - [Malory] Sterling!
What, Mother? Jesus!
What the hell is wrong with you?
Me? He's the one calling you Mama.
What? No, not Manu, you ass.
- Shooting off a gun in my hotel! - Oh. Oh, right, that.
- Oh. No, there was a rat. - Snake.
- Rat-snake. - Snake-rat.
- Goddamn it. - Are you finished?
- Yes. - [Stratton] Well, then, we are finished.
[door closes; object shatters]
And apparently so are the Strattons. [Charlotte sobbing in distance]
But then I don't suppose you'd know anything about that.
No, I was pretty busy with the...
- rat-snake. - Snake-rat.
- Goddamn it! - What?! [deep sigh]
- Right? - I swear to God, if you can't learn to keep
- that thing in your pants... - It was actually in a drawer.
...then you're going to have to find a new place to live.
Wha...? Where else can I live for free?
Oh, what, is that your point?
My point is, as the majority stakeholder in Archer Airways,
I'd like to see a return on my investment.
Ah, well, yeah, we all would.
- Sterling! - And we got a charter.
- A what? - [Stratton] A boat, you fool.
- I want a boat. - Why, Mr. Stratton, you're down early.
- Would you care for some breakfast? - Porridge.
- Uh, I'm sorry? - Save your breath for cooling yours.
[both chuckle]
I want a boat to take me out to the Clipper, and I mean this instant.
- But I don't understand. Are you...? - And you!
I have half a mind to give you the worst beating of your life.
All right, now. You're obviously upset.
Yeah, you're talking crazy.
'Cause he's literally had the shit beat out of him.
- 'Member? - You know...
Well, then maybe I'll just sue him
for alienation of affection and prosecute you for...
- pandering. - What?!
Yeah, I don't think any money changed hands.
- But if it did, it would be mine. - Well...
Do you people think this is some sort of joke?
- I will ruin you! - Oh, all right.
- Manu, call the tender. - Yes, Mama.
And quit calling her that!
- Why does it bother you so much? - [stifled chuckle] Seriously?!
Now, while you're waiting,
perhaps you'd like to settle your account?
I really do not get your sense of humor.
If you think I'm paying for that so-called honeymoon suite...
No no, I was referring to your marker from last night
at the roulette table. [laughs]
Oh, all right, now that it is funny.
You want me to pay you for what I lost
in your illegal gambling den?
[laughs] [whistle blows]
Everyone out! Zis hotel is closed until furzer notice!
How can you close me? Upon what grounds?
I am shocked, shocked to find
- that gambling is going on in here! - Oh, for...
Ha ha! Not to mention adultery.
He seduced my wife. Arrest him.
Monsieur, this is French territory.
Of course adultery is not illegal.
What about consensual buggery?
[gasps] [clears throat]
Uh, asking for a buddy.
[Malory] All right, Reynaud, cut the merde.
What do you want?
Well, we can start with my winnings from last night.
- Fair enough. - [Stratton] I beg your...
- Now, just a damn minute! - Merci.
What?! [Manu clears throat]
- The tender is waiting. - No! I demand that
- you arrest her! - You demand it?
- I most certainly... - Doudou? Aide monsieur a bord.
[Stratton] What...? No, I... Ow!
You people haven't heard the last of Whitney Stratton IV!
Oh, I bet we have...
- Pastis? - Mmm, un petit.
And then you can explain to me
why I hear gunshots coming from your hotel.
- Sterling? - Yeah, sorry.
- There was a rat-snake. - Snake-rat.
- Pam! - What?!
Whatever the reason. Idiots!
I can assure you, that was the last time
you're ever going to hear... [gunshot]
[all gasp] [body thumps in distance]
[deep sigh]
[gulping]
[sniffs] Alors.
What is wrong with you?
- Me? - [squawks] She's crazy.
[gasps] I'm just trying to calm her down, you know,
doing my thing, and then out of nowhere,
the crazy broad grabs the gun and tries to shoot me.
- Me, Crackers! - [yells] Because why are you talking?!
How can a bird be talking?!
He is parrot.
Actually, technically, I'm a macaw,
which is actually a type of parrot,
so I-I'm technically a parrot, actually.
- But I mean, technically, I'm, you know... - Rambling?
I almost died, woman!
I know. Here, get some of this down ya.
- I mean... - [panting] But... But how?
- How can he do that? - He's a parrot!
- [Crackers] Well... - Shut up, bird.
He talks. That's just how it is.
Don't make a big thing out of it.
- Don't make a big thing out of it?! - See! She just flips!
- You destroyed my marriage. - Hey, it takes two to tango.
And obviously, you guys already had some problems, so...
You want to talk problems?!
[gulps and exhales]
Zut alors...
My marriage is ruined.
When my family finds out why, they will disown me.
As will all of New York society.
I have no money, no job, no skills,
and no prospects, and it's all your fault!
And so right now, the only thing I want
in this world, besides for you to die
of some heretofore unknown form of eyehole cancer,
is to get off this godforsaken island!
[boat-plane engine roaring in distance]
- [Charlotte] And... when does it come back? - Ahem. Two weeks?
- [sniffs] And Whitney's on it? - Mm-hmm.
[crying]
- Oh, come on now, it's not that bad... - He has my passport!
- What do you mean?! - I mean just that, it is impossible.
To get a passport, you have to go to the consulate
in Papeete, on Tahiti.
- Well, how far is that? - As the crow flies?
Ugh, crows.
On the supply ship, it takes about a week.
- A week?! - It makes other stops.
And it will be here in... one month.
[sobbing] [glass breaks]
Of course, it's only three hours by plane.
Well, news flash, lady, the plane just left!
Yeah, so, air travel's not really an option here, Mother.
[gasps] Well, now, wait a minute...
- Mother... - Sterling, dear,
couldn't you just take her in your plane? [groans]
- Your what? - Hey, yeah!
- No, actually, Mother, I can't. - Well, why ever not?
- Because! Uh, because... - [Princess Lanaluakalani] Presumably...
because you can't tell time.
Her royal highness, Princess Lanaluakalani.
- Latou te iloa. - Votre Altesse.
Ah, Capitaine Reynaud. Et pourquoi me parles-tu en français?
Parce que la langue officielle de Mitimotu est français.
Oui, en ce moment.
Now, can someone please explain to me why Mr. Fuchs and I
aren't sipping champagne in the plane I chartered?
- Uh, well... - For one thing, we don't do that.
- And secondly, Fuchs? - Yeah?
Well, we could, and we're happy to, Your Highness.
Or even... I bet we could even mix you up some Bellinis.
- We have fresh peaches? - No.
Then shut up! The point is, Your Highness,
- my plane is your plane. - Well, then...
What?! I don't care who you are, lady, I've got dibs on that plane.
[clears throat]
Reynaud?
[Reynaud] I'm very sorry, madame,
but we have strict law against vagrancy, and you have no money.
[grunts in frustration]
Alors, for your dinner, one turnip.
[Lanaluakalani] You must be kidding.
[Engine sputters]
[Lanaluakalani] Are you sure this thing can fly?
Oh, don't worry about ol' Lucy Goosey.
She may not look like much, but that's... [engine backfires]
- ...mainly cosmetic. Flaps! - Well, except for the fue...
- I just... - Flaps, goddamn it, flaps!
Okay, Your Highness, as you requested,
we'll be making a big loop around the island,
so just sit back and relax.
That is physically impossible.
Uh. Ja, zis is not a good airplane.
I hope it at least has parachutes.
- There's actually only three, so... - [yelps] Gott im Himmel!
Oh, yes, I talk. Get over it.
[jazz music playing over record player]
[Archer] No, Your Highness, I just meant
- it's kinda weird though, right? - I think he's just reacting to the music.
- Thanks, you just defined dancing. - Shut up, bird!
No, I mean, it's not a big island, so the fact that
we've never run into each other, kinda weird, right?
No. And should you... be drinking?
[gulping]
- Yes. - I...
So what's your story, Fuchs? What brings you out here to Mitimotu?
- Er, uh, well, er... - Breadfruit.
Oh, ja! I will make a plantation.
- A plantation? Where? - Down there. On the island.
Creating many jobs for our people.
[chuckling] As what, artisanal coffin builders?
- Was? - Nothing.
Nothing but danger.
That jungle's stuffed to the tits with quicksand,
ferocious baboons, poisonous snakes...
- Poisonous frogs. - The frogs are poisonous?
- Mildly. - Insanely. I mean,
you get hit by a dart slathered with frog poison...?
- Will you...? - A dart? From where?
- The cannibals. - Please!
- What cannibals?! - The...
- The Mua Mua! Man, they are... - Simply a small native tribe
that has had very limited experience
with people from the outside world.
- Except as food. - If you...
- Although compared to the dragons... - What dragons?!
Oh. They're just extremely big lizards.
- You told me none of these dangers! - Because the dangers...
aren't that dangerous. And if Mister...
- [Pam] Archer! - Thank you. If Mister...
[Pam] No, Archer, come here! Like now!
- What's happening? - Is there a problem?
[chuckles] No.
- What is your problem? - It's not my problem, it's Lucy's!
- Her fuel pressure's dropping! - Son of a... [music]
Why do you always do this?
I mean, I finally meet someone I might like,
we're having fun, getting to know each other,
I'm being super charming, but no,
I'm not allowed to be happy because you're a big, jealous baby!
Oh. You're talking to me?
- Who else is there?! - The fuel pump.
Oh, right. Okay, I've got a plan.
[engines sputtering]
[Pam] I'm all ears.
- What is wrong? - Was ist los?!
[Archer] Nothing, all good. Have some bubbles.
Feather props!
Feather one! Feather two!
[Fuchs] Nein! Let me go!
Okay, now let me see if we...
- We are going to die up here! - No, we're not!
Yeah, it's the ground that kills ya.
- Thanks. - Eh.
- But how can we fly with no engines?! - The same way a bird does...
- Flapping around with hollow bones? - [Archer] Shut up, bird!
We're gonna glide right into a smooth landing.
Where?! The island has no runway!
- The ocean is the runway. - But... [startled yelp]
[Archer] Wh...? No, no, no, no, no, no!
- [Pam] Well, it was. - Goddamn it, Fuchs!
Ach! Why would someone put the landing gear control there?!
Because they didn't know you're an asshole?
- Get 'em up! - Love to...
- But... - Goddamn it!
- What?! - We can't land on the water
- if the frickin' wheels are down! - And if there is no runway...
Oof! What are you doing?
[Fuchs] Parachutes! [Crackers squawks]
[Fuchs] Where are the parachutes?!
- Oh, for the... You pussy! - No, he's right!
- What? - [Fuchs] Ah-ha!
- You all gotta bail out! - Oka atua!
Go on! I'll get us over land, you get the princess in a chute,
get her down safe, and get her home safe!
- What about you?! - I'll try to bring Lucy down
easy in the water. Go on, I'll be fine!
- No you won't! - Just go, you big dumb ox!
Wow. Okay, let's go, Your Fanciness.
[nervous, to self] Vater Unser im Himmel, geheiligt werde dein Name...
Better pray I don't kick your ass...
- What do we do? What do we do? - Well, the first thing
you want to do, is take some deep breaths.
While you help her put that on!
You help her! I'm getting... owwww!
Your fists are like... Dosenschinken!
[chuckles] Yeah, I get that a lot.
Hey! We don't have all day here!
Once we get below a thousand feet,
those chutes are basically just laundry!
[Pam] Hang on, we're almost ready!
- Will you hurry up?! - Will you shut up?!
- There! Happy? - Not really!
Okay, you two! Jesus! You can bitch on the way down.
- What is all that for?! - Protection. [cocks gun]
We weren't kidding about that jungle.
[Archer] Come on, Pam, it's now or never!
Let's go, people! Move! Move! Move!
[Fuchs and Lanaluakalani screaming]
[grunts]
[Pam] Ow, my twat!
[relieved exhale] Good luck. Except for you, Fuchs.
I hope you wind up as an entree.
Hey, Crackers? Crackers, come here, buddy!
- Okay, so listen... - Yeah, not great, huh?
No, no, not great. I'm gonna do the best I can,
but we're gonna hit the water
- pretty hard, probably even flip over. - Mm-hmm.
But there's a bunch of life jackets in the storage locker,
so I want you to get in there and hunker down, okay, buddy?
Hopefully that'll cushion the impact.
Oh. You're talking to me.
Wh...? Who else would I be...?
- Oh. - Yeah.
- You can fly. - Yeah.
So you're outta here.
- Is that weird? - I mean...
Well, yeah, obviously it's weird if you make it weird.
Okay, you know what?!
[blows striking and grunting; Crackers squawking]
[Crackers] Aaaassshoooole!
Yeah, I'm the asshole.
[straining] Okay, Lucy! Here we go! [dramatic music]
[grunting and groaning]
[Announcer] Next time on Archer: Danger Island:
[screaming]
Fuel pump piece of shit!
Oh.
[Archer laughs] Whoo-hoo-hoo!
[Archer] Now who's the asshole? Stupid bird.
[music theme]
sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~