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Toilet paper: one of mankind's crowning achievements.
Without it, we'd have to use leaves
or newspaper or a horse.
And no one loves TP more than George and Harold.
Not for its intended use, but for pranks.
- Man, I love TP. - Same.
I'm running out of oxygen!
♪ So George and Harold make comic books ♪
- We're cool! - Me too!
♪ But they had a mean old principal Who told them what to... ♪
Blah, blah, blah, blah!
♪ So they got a Hypno-Ring And first they made him dance ♪
♪ Then accidentally, kinda on purpose Turned him into Captain Underpants! ♪
Tra-la-la!
♪ With a snap, he's the Captain Not the brightest man ♪
♪ And don't forget, when he gets wet You're back where you began ♪
♪ Put it all together What could possibly go wrong? ♪
♪ Now this is the end Of the Captain Underpants song! ♪
- ♪ By George Beard and Harold Hutchins ♪ - Tra-la-la!
The Terrifying Perilous Misfortune of the TP Mummy.
That means "toilet paper time-out."
While George and Harold had successfully TP'd most items in Piqua,
they had their eyes on an even bigger prize.
TPing the entire school is gonna be the greatest prank ever.
We're gonna be legends.
Good thing we have a TP Teepee.
It's the best TP-only store that only sells TP.
Sorry, guys. You're banned.
Banned? For what?
Too much TPing.
Your principal, Mr. Krupp, sent this over.
Whoa. Nice poster.
- Can we have it? - No.
Great. What are we gonna do now?
- Don't worry, buddy, we still got... - No, you don't.
Aw, man.
Hey, there, Er... ica.
Erica, you don't know where we could get, like, a thousand rolls of toilet paper?
We were on the verge of pulling an epic TP prank.
We would've been legends.
Oh, so you're giving up? Legends don't give up...
legends like Horatio Dump.
"Horatio Dump. He never gave up."
Long ago, people threw their trash wherever.
Then Horatio Dump said, "Trash belongs in one place, not all over."
People hated him for it.
But he never gave up.
And that's why the place where trash goes is named...
The Horatio?
- The dump. - That's made up.
No, that's tenacity.
- Whoa! - Cool. What's tenacity?
Erica?
- She's like Batman. - Minus the angry mumbling.
Mr. Ree, Mr. Ree!
That's fancy French toilet paper, not a sack of potatoes.
This is Mr. Ree, the school janitor.
He's a dedicated employee and definitely doesn't have a secret past.
Ooh, I've said too much.
Three-ply, quilted, plush weave.
Not the usual sandpaper you order. What's the occasion?
We have a new French teacher, and I want her to have the best.
So you got a crush on the "ooh-la-la"?
What? That's ridiculous!
It's not like I want to take long walks at the movies,
trading butterfly kisses or... or anything!
- Whatever floats your boat, chief. - My boat floats fine!
- Liar. - What?
Yeah, you heard me.
Thanks, Marge.
Now, guard this toilet paper with your life.
It was very expensive.
So expensive, I had to use most of your salary to pay for it.
This is Ms. Yewh, the new French teacher.
She loves everything French.
And she always wanted to go to Paris,
but she'd settle for French-speaking Canada.
The best way to learn French is by speaking French,
which means in my French class we will only speak en franÃ§ais.
- Oui? - If we're banned from the TP Teepee,
where are we gonna get TP?
- Uh, the bathroom? - Smart.
Uh, excuse me. We got to go to the bathroom.
Yeah, me too.
In French.
You want us to go to the bathroom "in French"?
Oui, oui.
We apologize for using a joke that is over 280 years old.
Sit, s'il vous plaÃ®t.
Dang.
- Huh? - What the...
Ms. Yewh, uh...
I just wanted to make sure you're settling in
and to see if you had any questions...
I have a question. Why are you wearing skinny jeans?
No more questions, you two!
Did you join a band?
Go stand at the window
and pick out the Dumpster you'll be living in
after you flunk out of French class!
- Okay. - Anyway...
Do you have everything you need? Chalk...
Uh, anyway, there's a new teacher orientation this afternoon.
It's gonna be a blast! And it's...
...mandatory!
This is our current TP inventory?
Seven squares? We couldn't even cover a...
Holy cow! George, look.
Whoa. A TP mother lode.
It's a TP TD.
Touchdown!
- So good. - You're not getting anything
except a talking-to in my office, now.
Okay.
That toilet paper is for Ms. Yewh
and Ms. Yewh only.
She must go to the bathroom a lot.
Yeah. That's a lot of "oui, oui."
Ooh, we're sorry again.
She's an excellent teacher with a great head of hair,
and she smells like Saint Patrick's Day.
What?
So keep your grubby little paws off that toilet paper, or else.
- Or else what? - You... you... know what else!
- You don't have anything, do you? - Get out!
Let's roll... TP roll.
Yeah!
Nope.
Not yours.
For Ms. Yewh!
We're never gonna get that TP.
He's keeping all of that for Ms. Yewh. She's the problem.
You're right. So... what if we got rid of Ms. Yewh?
You mean like...
Yes.
We make a comic to embarrass her so much, she quits.
It's worked before... well, by accident.
Captain Underpants
and the Quarrelsome Tyranny of Queen Tootenfarti,
by George Beard and Harold Hutchins.
Once, there was this annoying French teacher
who was awful and really loved French stuff
and made all the kids talk French, like, "Oui, oui, oui, oui."
One day, she took the kids on a field trip in a bus and stuff.
They were all, "Yay," until they found out it was to a museum to see French junk.
"Le boring!" "I le know!"
But first, they had to walk through the mummy exhibit.
The mummy was Queen Tootenfarti, an ancient Egyptian queen.
The sign said, "Don't touch the mummy,"
but the teacher did 'cause she's dumb, and the mummy woke up,
and she farted her mummy spirit
into the teacher and made the teacher the mummy.
Her face got all rotten and yucky.
She scared all the kids. "Groan! Groan in French!"
Captain Underpants flew in. "Tra-la-la-la-la.
Stop, mummy!"
And she's all, "I will eat you, 'cause I'm hungry"...also in French.
Captain Underpants is like, "So? Me too!
I had to leave dinner with my mummy to come fight you, mummy!"
The mummy attacked, but he could see she was kind of sad and stuff.
Captain Underpants thought, "Hey, she was in a box, like, very long!
She must be lonely!"
So he wrapped himself in toilet paper and made her think he was her boyfriend.
"You're so pretty, grr and groan!"
She fell for it and he grabbed her hand,
but 'cause she was a million years old, it crushed to dust.
"Oops," said Captain Underpants.
The mummy was all, "Now I'm mad and French,"
which is super dangerous.
She attacked! She, like, threw out all this old stuff
and went, "Oui oui, oui, oui, oui, oui," all over the place.
He fell inside a car-sar-ca-gophulous box!
She was gonna eat Captain Underpants!
But then someone came and hit her on the head
with a frying pan and knocked her out.
"Who did that?" said the kids.
And Captain Underpants said, "Why, that's my mummy!"
And it was! It was his mom who stopped the old French Fartentooti
and saved the day.
The end.
So how long before Ms. Yewh quits?
All she has to do is read the comic, get mad, fill out all of the paperwork...
- So... how long? - Six to eight years.
- We can't wait that long. - You two.
Got a major gravy spill in the kitchen.
- Need your help. - You want us to wipe up gravy?
No. You're not certified for that.
I need you to guard that toilet paper.
You see, Mr. Krupp asked Mr. Ree to guard the toilet paper,
but neglected to say from whom...
meaning fortuitous error for George and Harold and this story.
♪ It's not just for tushies It can also be for pranks ♪
♪ And it's really a gas ♪
♪ That's gas as in funny Not gas as in farty ♪
- ♪ 'Cause pranking with TP ♪ - ♪ Is always a blast ♪
We're so close. Almost legends.
Just got to cover this last bit. Let's hit it.
Now, I know you like French stuff, and I know you like to go to the bathroom,
So I got you a little surprise.
Oh, no, eternal winter!
Yay!
- No! - We're not finished.
Oh, yes, you are.
And after you clean up this mess,
you're going to mow the entire football field.
That doesn't sound so bad.
- With your teeth! - What?
- How would we do that? - With your teeth!
But how would we do that?
With... with your teeth!
Just wanted to see if he'd say it three times.
So good.
We were so close. This is gonna take forever.
If only someone had invented a device to get rid of toilet paper quickly,
perhaps using water to flush it away.
Wait. They did.
- It's working. - Almost done.
- Dang, we're good. - Even when we don't want to do it.
Listen up, hairnets. I've got a very important date...
err, that's new teacher's orientation,
and everything needs to be perfect.
I'll get out the paper plates.
"Paper"? What are you... Plastic! The good plastic.
Now, Ms. Yewh likes French stuff, so make the cafeteria look like French.
And make some escargot, whatever that is.
And clean up this dump.
What is this? A comic?
"Annoying French teacher," "Queen Tootenfarti"...
Sacré bleu!
That's a French word from the Internet.
Don't worry, my sweet. I'll make sure you never see this.
I swear.
Uh...
Give me those comics!
Give me that!
And... ooh... that!
That's all of 'em... I think.
But he thinks wrong. There was one left.
What? Quoi? Moi?
Easiest cleanup ever.
Yep, we worked smarter, not harder.
Hey, are your feet wet?
That can't be good.
We got to unclog these toilets, or Krupp is gonna flush us.
Relax, buddy, we're golden.
Look!
"Gone to The Clogs Mega Ultra Maximum-Strength Clog Remover."
"Just use one drop." Hmm.
How about the whole jug?
The whole jug? You've doomed us all.
That stuff's experimental, unpredictable, and kind of pricey.
The pipes at Jerome Horowitz
were rated to handle the flushing of exactly 47 comics,
one gallon of de-clogger,
and 500 rolls of toilet paper.
As long as no one flushes one more...
Quoi? Garbáge.
That would be the "one more."
Oh, poo.
I am the queen! The queen of TP!
Oui, oui, oui!
Oui!
I am the TP Mummy!
Give me TP! Oui, oui, oui!
Okay, the whole jug was too much.
We're gonna die!
If you want to live, come with me.
Ah, Ms. Yewh.
Oui, oui!
I, um, uh, huh... see you've draped yourself
in wet toilet paper.
Is that the latest in French style?
What? Ah, look!
As you can see, I'm a big French fan myself.
What is that?
- Escargot. Snails. - Snail?
Uh, yes. Of course.
Mmm.
Mmm, so French. Want...
I want all the TP!
And once I have it, all will bow down before me
or never go to the bathroom again!
Uh, well, that's, uh, that's a big ask. Oof!
Whoa!
I can't believe there's a secret toilet lab under the school.
No one's supposed to know, but that monster was gonna get you,
so I had no choice.
So, what, you're some kind of secret toilet agent?
Used to be. I was in charge of making T.E.R.D.S.
- Gross! - It's an acronym.
It stands for Toilet Eliminator of Really Dangerous Stuff.
But if you were a secret toilet guy, why did you work at the school?
Uh, mainly, I get to keep anything
that's been in the lost and found more than a month.
Really? That's it?
All right, all right. I'll tell you.
Just quit hounding me, will you?
In the late 1990s, the government hired me to make T.E.R.D.S.,
a huge, massive toilet to eliminate the most serious threats on Earth...
poisonous chemicals, weapons of mass destruction, envelopes.
Envelopes?
Ever gotten a paper cut from one of those bad boys?
Anyway...
During our first official test flush, the handle got stuck.
Run!
Massive flooding.
I tried to jiggle it, but the handle wouldn't budge.
I jiggled.
I jiggled and jiggled and jiggled and jiggled and jiggled until...
No!
People got hurt.
It was all my fault.
They shut us down, and I left T.E.R.D.S. behind me, shattered.
Wait a minute. M-maybe we could use T.E.R.D.S. to stop that mummy.
You can't give up. If Horatio Dump had given up, there'd be trash everywhere.
Horatio Dump? The Horatio Dump?
He's the reason I got into the field of elimination sciences.
So you're in? 'Cause we really need your T.E.R.D.S..
- You got to help us. - Come on.
Yeah.
Stop! Just stop. Don't you see? Don't you get it?
- Not really. - Me neither.
Sorry, boys, but I flushed T.E.R.D.S. away,
which is too bad, because it's almost as if I was put here to solve
this very specific problem.
Anyway, good luck.
- Well, that was a huge waste of time. - Yeah.
- Let's go get Captain Underpants. - Yeah!
Ooh, a sign. "Caution: T.E.R.D.S. slippery when wet."
- No need to change this sign. - Nope. Can't beat perfect.
Where... is... TP?
I don't know. The bathroom?
We'll always have cafeteria Paris.
Come on, Captain Underpants.
Hmm?
Ha!
Tra-la-la!
Captain Underpants, there's a TP Mummy on the loose.
Right. Whatever that means, it sounds bad. I like it.
Which way?
Hey, mummy. I'm gonna wipe you out.
Get it? 'Cause toilet paper.
The following scene is so violent,
we're presenting it in the harmless graffiti
often found in public restrooms.
Enjoy Stall-O-Rama.
There once was a man who wore undies.
He had a tough time with a mummy.
He tried to fight back, but she gave him a smack.
And in the end,
"Jimmy Slapthighs was here." Wait, what?
Somebody call a plumber!
I want all the TP!
- How are we gonna stop her? - With T.E.R.D.S.!
Huh?
It's Mr. Ree!
Ha ha!
Oof.
You were right, boys. It's time for T.E.R.D.S..
Yeah!
Now, if we only we had a way to make that TP Mummy follow us.
That's it! There!
The TP Teepee TP.
"TP Teepee TP"?
- There. - Oh! The TP Teepee TP. Got it.
Then this happened.
- She's right behind us. - Keep running!
Mr. Ree, we're running out of TP.
Hang on, boys. T.E.R.D.S. is dead ahead.
Are you sure that's it?
- 'Cause it looks like a regular mountain. - The mountain will open, kid!
- Are you sure that's... - The mountain will open!
It's a...
Oh, yeah, right, the top. The top opens. Ah, it's been a while.
TP! TP!
TP! TP! TP! TP!
Ooh.
T.E.R.D.S. is on the other side of that door.
Now, what was that code?
- Try number one. - Try number two.
Oh, yeah, 12.
- Welcome to T.E.R.D.S., gentlemen. - Whoa...
This is the omega toilet.
- Oh... - Yep, it's a big toilet.
It sure is.
More TP!
Okay, boys, T.E.R.D.S. is a go.
Captain Underpants, distract her.
Great idea!
Pick a card, any card.
Oh, no! She hates magic!
Try what you did in our comic.
And then I... I...
Good stuff, boys! I'm on it!
Ha!
- Want to go to the dump? - Huh?
- It's romantic. - I will destroy you!
Sounds like a yes to me.
Captain Underpants, phase two.
Tra-la-la!
- You need to unwind. - It's working!
What?
You cannot flush me!
- What are we gonna do now? - Oui, oui, oui, oui!
Bow down before me!
Oui, oui!
Oh, no!
- Oui, oui, oui! - What...
is... going... on?
Oh, no! He's turning back into Krupp.
Oui, oui, oui, oui, oui!
Mr. Ree, it's overflowing. Help!
- What do you want me to do? - Jiggle the handle!
Jiggle the handle!
No. No, I-I can't.
You have to. Remember Horatio Dump. He didn't give up.
What should I do, Mr. Dump?
Jiggle it. Just a little bit.
I... can... jiggle it!
It's flushing!
And it didn't expl...
It worked.
Where am I? And what's that smell?
Smells like victory.
Oh...
No, it smells like a toilet.
Merci. You're the janitor, oui?
Oui.
- French? - Actually...
- French-Canadian. - Ooh!
Close enough.
Wait! Wait!
I ate a snail for her.
That was amazing!
It's too bad no one will ever know about this,
you know, because we're deep inside the mountain of T.E.R.D.S.
Sad high five.
Yep. Guess we'll never be legends.
Except, in fact, they would be legends,
because that huge amount of toilet paper flew through the sky
and completely covered Jerome Horwitz Elementary School.
Ha! They did it! The knuckleheads did it.
Legends.
-- Addic7ed.com --