- Sheila Gruff? - Goff. She's new and she sounds...
Petrified?
How could I even begin to...
- What? - Compare.
Oh, it's not a competition.
D'you actually want us to succeed?
Since when was it "us"?
If we can't provide what you need, you should go elsewhere.
So no-one's arsed, then? That mum's having an affair?
'Scuse me?
- Give over... - She'd never do that.
Wouldn't she?
I slept with Bel.
HE SCREAMS
He said it was just the once.
She'd made a real effort and he felt so bad for her, he just...
Poked her out of pity?
I feel bad for her.
And guilty? At cheating on her with me?
Of course.
Then you still love her.
You do know you're playing with fire?
What I know is
I'm going to make them wish they'd never set eyes on each other.
Mirror, mirror on the wall...
Who's the fairest of them all?
Age before beauty?
Pearls before swine?
Handsome Prince Charming.
Will you be mine?
Sync & corrections by emeline-whovian www.addic7ed.com
I want blood.
Come on, love. All this hate.
- It's not you. - Why? Why do I have to be the good one?
Because you are.
She can't do this to people without consequences.
And I'm sure there will be, but don't you...
What's her name? Lorelei?
Oh, yeah, I know all about it.
We don't have secrets any more.
Since when?
I've told her to butt out.
Swear. Not a word to Wes.
Not an utterance.
Whatever's going on in that head of yours...
- Nobody walks over me. - Nobody is walking over you.
I can't bear a woman who tramples over other women's property.
- You swore... - And I stand by it.
I won't say a single solitary word to that husband of hers.
But that Lore-lying-bitch has got to know who she's messing with.
Can't have either of 'em thinking they're being pushed.
I'm on course with Wes. What's Miss Lorelei saying?
That they're having fun, she still feels like his "bit on the side".
I'd hoped she'd feel more like a permanent fixture by now.
We've got a night lined up with the gang. He's invited.
You show him what he's missing.
Get him high as a kite.
Bright lights! Freedom!
And Bel's spag bol and Thorn Birds box set
might not seem so appealing.
See, they're beating down the doors to get in again.
All down to you, kid.
Come on in, ladies. Welcome to my world.
Oh, it's Lexie's first go at the promo.
Give us a look?
It's just the beginning, just a few snippets to be getting on with...
THEY LAUGH
Oh, look at you!
- Cringe. - No!
That's good. She's done a good job with it.
And I'm where?
Obviously, I don't actually do anything around here!
Obviously, I'm invisible!
You wish!
That's torn it!
You never say anything bad about Bel.
Why would I?
She's not enough for you. Why is she not enough?
I dunno.
So maybe one day, this won't be enough either?
Whatever THIS is.
It's just... THIS.
Kitchen sex?
In a very nice kitchen. I mean, I'd shag whoever fitted it!
- Shag? - Make love.
I dunno.
If people knew what THIS was, they'd bottle it.
They'd have it every day.
And when it ran out, they'd just make some more.
Nobody would be sad and relationships would last for ever.
But they don't.
So, I don't know what to tell you to stop your head from hurting.
Let's enjoy it. Make the most, and hope it never runs out.
RECORDING: Hi, Sheila, it's Lorelei.
Your favourite PT... SHE GIGGLES
I just had a thought.
How about you nip round to my place sometime this week and we can
check your weight and measurements, yeah?
Take your body fat percentage, BMI, all that stuff?
Don't panic... I know it sounds scary,
and nobody likes having their fat pinched.
But trust me, it's totally the best way to measure progress.
And you have made progress, Sheila.
You should be proud of yourself.
I really, really want you to see how amazing you're doing.
So, yeah... Let me know.
SHE SIGHS
What you doing to yourself?
LORELEI LAUGHS LOUDLY
No! No! No! Wesley Finch, I'm not doing it now!
Oh, yes, you are! C'mon! Why do you think I bought you a new dress?
So you could put it on!
Yeah? And then you can take it off?
Now we are talking!
SHE LAUGHS
Go on...
Can't do that. I've got a meeting with Mitch.
Who?
Guy I've got coming to finalise designs for our billboard.
What billboard? Does Bel know about this?
I've texted her.
I care about the future of this business. Unlike some.
Suppose I decided to swan off whenever I fancied?
Do it.
We've sat for years listening to you skrike about being stuck in here
while the world's going on outside. Now's your chance. Get out.
- Do it. - What's it look like I'm doing?
I'm dragging us into the 20th century!
21st.
Billboards, tellin' you, it's the key.
Me? Do one? No chance. She'd love that.
I doubt she'd even notice. She don't give you a second thought.
But for you, it's like she's your obsession. You want revenge.
- Be happy. - How's that work?
I dunno. But you're jealous as hell whenever she is.
SHE SNIFFLES, SOBS
Shit. Shit!
That was supposed to be a quickie.
- Was for me. - PHONE RINGS
You know what? Don't just stand there starkers.
Clothes on, out.
It's Dante - wants to know if you're coming for that drink tonight.
Think he's got a soft spot for you.
You could maybe even stay again?
Where's my under-crackers?
I know it's a big ask.
But I'd love it if we could have the night together.
You know, like a proper couple.
PHONE RINGS
Hi, love.
You all right?
Yeah, er, I've got a job on in Leeds tonight.
So I've got to stay over. Is that OK?
Yeah, sure.
OK. OK, see you later.
SHE SIGHS
Let's see how many mils you lost.
Right, now, we set you a target of three mils.
Don't worry if we don't hit it.
Did you get a glance at my fella?
What d'you reckon?
SHE LAUGHS
- Not your type? - I wouldn't say that.
You know, I finally decided to stop beating myself up about it.
Is that right?
Well, yeah. We all have a right to be happy, don't we?
Happy people don't have affairs.
He's happy when he's with me.
Gives me that stupid loved-up look, you know the one?
The, er, the foam roller. The roller! In your car.
For my muscles. You said I could borrow it?
Yeah. Sure. I'm sorry. Wittering on.
This can be a very confronting process, can't it?
OK, er... Two ticks, I'll... You take a minute to yourself.
SHE EXHALES LOUDLY, DOOR SHUTS
Shit!
_
I'm so sorry. I was just getting a drink of water.
SHE LAUGHS
I'm sorry all you could find to mop up with was Wes's knickers!
See? This is how I know she's not fussed!
Three-for-a-quid grundies off the market?
Seriously, to say you've lost nine mils is amazing.
You should be so proud of yourself.
Poor Mrs Parjour. Who'd do that to her car?
You know, when I came down before,
there was some weird old bloke on a Vespa over there.
It doesn't sit right.
When it's just me and Lorelei, it's this secret thing.
But going out, it's like
I'm cheating on Bel with all her mates as well. Know what I mean?
No.
But the sex is amazing.
It's not about sex.
It is when you're not having any!
It's like the good old days.
All the fun, less of the fumbling.
One wife. Two lives. It's a lot of faff for a fumble.
Someone's going to get hurt.
That's art, that is. You're a proper Picasso.
Well, I'm only as good as the material I work with.
The billboards are just the start.
There's cinema, TV adverts we can exploit.
I am so ready for my close-up.
So will the billboards be ready for the big launch tomorrow?
I want the family to share in the grand unveil.
Of course. The Excelsior package guarantees a 24-hour printing service.
It's the best five grand we'll spend. You watch.
It'll put this salon on the map.
Least the bailiffs'll know where to find us.
Sorry about my sister, she's great for a tattooed anchor
or a borstal spot, but no appreciation for the finer things in life.
You'll end up saving. Signing with us gives you access
to very competitive rates with our partners.
Has Bel agreed to this?
Those who turn up get to make the decisions.
Not when those who don't still hold the cheque book!
DOOR OPENS
Oh, here she is. Manchester's Olympic hopeful, "Older Korbut".
Nice of you to show. I'm just saving the business.
First she's late, then she's rude!
I think you owe Mitch an apology!
Real card, your sister.
These mobile billboards that I've facilitated are the media
strategy that'll turn this business around.
- Where's Mum? - On the roof.
Right!
We need to finalise the budget for the...
I envy you, mate. Two women to keep happy?
I can't even please one!
Maybe I should make the most of it.
Nights out, fresh flesh, sex on tap...
That's what keeps you young!
Rest of us sad sacks end up wearing Lycra and running marathons!
I was always the sensible one, growing up.
Mm! Job, wife, kids...
Before you had a chance to be young and daft.
So maybe I've earned this.
Trip to the Pleasure Beach...
..while the rest of us sit at home playing dominoes.
Oh, I just don't want to hurt Bel, though.
Then don't. Be daft.
And careful.
What d'you do to that woman's car?
Exactly what she had coming to her.
The 68-year-old librarian? You got the wrong car!
Oh. Collateral damage. I'll get her next time.
Next time?
Well, you'll do sod-all. You haven't got the balls.
I'm going to put hair-dye in her washing machine.
Oh, well, that'll show her...
..what her kecks look like with caramel highlights!
How much does all this hurt?
Sometimes, I can't get breath in my body.
Take hold of that. Tie a big bow on it.
And know that the only time that hurt stops
is when hers starts.
_
We need to do something so bad...
..that they'll still wake up sweating in 20 years' time.
Them?
- Her and Wes. - Not him. He can't know that I know.
It's tying one hand behind your back before you even start.
Don't you dare say a word to him.
Me and Wes still have a chance to work things out.
What? By pretending it never happened?
Hopefully.
Until the next time.
You can't let him think he's got away with it.
Men are dogs.
It's your fault for not training him.
Don't blame the dog, blame the owner.
All right, you two?
Yeah.
Deep down, Wes knows that what he's doing is wrong.
He's still doing it!
And he'll keep lying to your face and laughing behind your back
until you teach him he can't.
I might lose him for good.
He's already gone.
Wes stays out of this.
I tried to get out of it, but Marco...
You remember me saying about Marco?
Great guy, solid, but he's going to owe this bloke
a shed-load if he can't get his contract job done tonight,
and he's helped me out in the past,
so we're going to pull an all-nighter,
which, in my shoes, you'd do the same, right?
Sure.
Is there any chance you could get me some new pants?
- These are a bit... - Knackered?
Naff.
I thought you liked those, you said they didn't ride up.
Did I? 20 years ago!
Have you seen the state?
Cheers, love!
PHONE BEEPS
_
She said yes?
You make sure Wes has a good night.
And I'll make sure Bel gets to hear of it.
Where is he?
Be here any minute.
I'm telling you, this guy Wes is hot, hot, hot!
He is!
Wes!
Do I look all right?
You look amazing. Ten years younger.
Here he is. Everybody, this is Wes.
And you've met Dante already.
Mate. Come and sit over here.
Right, cheers, everybody.
Leanne's lying to me about where she's going. Where she's been.
I've been following her.
If you know someone's password,
you can enter it and trace where they are.
It's meant to be for when you lose your phone.
But it also works when your partner's lying through
their back teeth about who they're shagging.
Hey...
Part of me wants to scream, kick and fight to win her back.
And the other part?
Thinks I should just walk away.
She lies so easily now, I'm not sure I could ever trust her.
It's like a bone.
Once it's broken...
..you're always wondering, if you put pressure on it,
is it going to snap?
What will you do?
If I don't respect myself enough to walk away...
..how can she respect me enough to stay?
Do you moisturise?
No, I didn't think so.
Hey, we've all been trying to score Lol for years.
What's your secret?
Not wearing make-up.
HE LAUGHS
Nah, we all reckon you're working that old-man-daddy-shit.
Oh, yeah?
So, how d'you nab her? Did you buy her a pony?
Take her to Disneyland?
What are you two gassing about? Or shouldn't I ask?
Hey, Wes! Get one of these down you.
CHEERING, YELLING
Yeah, baby!
_
Wow.
Where to next?
Next? I'm a bit knacked.
C'mon, mate. Need to get some practice in.
We've booked a villa in Ibiza next year. You been?
Lol's going to ask you to come. Say yes?
It's mad out there. You'll love it!
Wow. Look at you.
Gorge or what, huh?
Ding-Dong won't engage with my billboards.
She's scared shitless of me having even one split second of success.
Couldn't get her even to look at the budget.
So I signed the paperwork anyway.
Is that so?
Why's everyone trying to shove Bel in, 'stead of me?
I am that salon.
Without me, it'd be as popular as a dead dog at Crufts!
Why won't she treat me as her equal?
Maybe you need to show Bel you've changed.
- What's wrong with who I am? - Nothing. You're amazing.
You just need to let Bel see that.
You've got your big launch tomorrow. Whole family will be there.
To celebrate you. And your billboard campaign.
Yeah, and so will she, being all nicey-nicey so I look bad!
But you're right, I am totes amazing!
It's time they all knew it.
I will not be seen as some second-rate Bel!
I am not keeping her seat warm! Am I?
- Teddy Bear? Am I? - Huh? No, Baby Bear.
You're nobody's substitute.
Watch your step. You're going to knock me over.
She just looks at me and says, "So tasty!"
Hang on, hang on, wait for us.
SHE HYPERVENTILATES
SHE SCREAMS
Oh, my God!
MUFFLED SCREAMS
You're right, Mum.
He's lying to me and laughing behind my back.
Let's get both the bastards.
Great night, eh?
Yeah!
(IRONICALLY) Great.
At this morning's session with Lorelei, I'm going to tell her
that I'm so...
Grateful for everything you've been doing.
Everybody's been saying how great I'm looking.
You are.
Yeah, you are.
Thanks.
Our Leanne's stupid marketing nonsense
might actually come in handy.
I'm going to tell Lorelei...
I've got a friend, owes me a favour, runs a marketing company.
They do these big billboards that you drive around the city,
and I thought maybe we could do one of them with your business on it.
What do you reckon?
She'd lap it up.
Then, I'll tell her I want to organise an unveiling of the
billboard outside a bar in town and that she should...
Get all your clients and your mates there.
Our lot will be at Leanne's billboard bollocks next door.
And that's when we unleash the beast.
Yes!
SHE LAUGHS Love it.
A minute?
You two seem very... chummy at the moment.
- Anything you want to tell me? - No.
I just think we've finally found a few things in common.
Well, whatever you and her are cooking up, stop it.
This won't just end up hurting him. Think about the kids.
D'you want to poison them against him, eh?
Oh, Dad...
Oh, come on, you must have had something in common with her mates.
In common with her mates? Er, zilch.
They sing theme tunes to kids' shows I've never heard of.
They go on about Giggs. As in footy? No. Grime artist.
Seriously? I've only just caught onto Banksy. And I'm knackered.
Like, Walking Dead knackered.
Now Lorelei's invited me to some media do for her PT business.
Which is on the same night as I'm meant to rock up to Leanne's launch.
What d'you know about this media thing she's invited Wes to?
One of her clients sprung it on her.
He told her he's going.
That'll go down well, Wes not showing at a family gig.
How'd he get on last night?
Everyone loved him.
Apart from being a nasty little cheat, he's a lovely guy.
I knew you'd get on.
He was really cool when his son came out.
What d'you mean?
Huh? Just that the whole gay thing wouldn't get in the way.
Who said I was gay?
Nobody, er... I just knew.
How?
So, you're not?
No, I am. But you can't just assume it.
- Why would I think you were anything but? - Because!
You dress nice. You're polite. You look after yourself.
You go to the gym. You're never out the salon.
Homophobe!
How...?
Dante!
Taxis will be here soon.
I love you, girl, and I've long since give up trying to make you
something you're not.
But I'll not stand by whilst you poison the well with our kids.
Oh, keep your callipers on.
If we had it your way,
they'd be laying on the road with tyre marks up their back.
Bollocks!
I picked that dress up from the dry cleaners.
I've never seen it before.
Which meant she wore it on a night out I didn't know about
with someone I didn't know, looking for someone else's approval.
Mitchell?
Yeah.
The billboard driver's parking outside,
after Lorelei's lot have arrived.
Wes will be there about ten.
And I've told Lorelei to meet me next door in about an hour.
Since when were they such bezzies?
I think it's lovely her and Mum are getting closer.
Like me and Diz.
It's always about her, though. I've organised all of this.
And "blot on the landscape" is acting like she's star of the show.
Were just saying how amazing you looked.
Beautiful dress. Few more weeks, you'll fit it a treat.
What? I said it was nice.
Any news of the billboard?
Driver said it should be there in the next hour.
Sign-up fee seems hefty, but it means
I could negotiate a massive discount.
And I looked gorge on an iPad.
Imagine me blown up on the back of a truck.
Mitchell calls me Manchester's Alan Sugar.
I know you can't bear me being in the spotlight.
But you should sack the frown.
Adds years to you. Trust me, you can't afford it.
Do you know what else we can't afford?
You, you daft cow.
No wonder Mitchell loves you.
You've just given him five and a half grand for a 1K billboard!
Bel, give it a break. Leanne, we can make use of it.
Tell her, Teddy Bear!
Yeah, tell her, Teddy Bear. You're the accountant.
It's way overpriced.
But we can write it off as a loss for the company.
Genius! You are hired!
(YELLS) Bel! Over 'ere.
I've never seen you look more like your mother than in the last
- five minutes. What's going on? - Nothing.
You've never lied to me. And you are now.
So... what are you and her up to?
Teaching them a lesson.
Whatever comfort you think you're going to take from this, you won't.
- I have to see this through. - Your mother...
..put me into this wheelchair.
What? How?
Oh...
It was my idea to start the swinging.
Your mother weren't keen.
But I knew how much she loved me,
and I took advantage of that. We had this one rule.
No shitting in our own back yard.
She had a best friend. Claire.
As you might imagine, your mum don't make friends easy.
But Claire was special.
Which, er, shouldn't have, but the fact she was off bounds
made her more attractive to me.
I didn't know she'd found out about us
until half a second before she'd pushed me out that window.
She don't know I know. I mean, I was pissed.
We were both pissed as parrots. Anyway...
..in the hospital, I could see how bloody devastated she was,
so I lied.
I said I fell.
Oh, Dad...
No, no. Save your sympathy. I deserve this.
What I did cost her. She's never trusted anyone since.
And revenge has a funny way of bouncing back on you.
I'm in this chair...
..but she's had to look after me the last 30 years.
HE CHUCKLES SOFTLY
You want to sort this?
Talk to him.
Tell him how you feel.
Taxis are here!
We've got to call it all off.
Anyone for starters?
There's a waiter and breaded crab claw I've got me eye on!
- Oh! - He's not picking up!
- Who? - The billboard guy!
I need to tell him not to drive the van here!
Did I not say? I've texted him.
You have? Oh, thank God for that!
Was he OK about it?
Yeah, he had some sort of family emergency,
couldn't deliver within the hour.
Oh, my God, relief!
So he's had to drop it off early.
What?
And he can't pick it up till tomorrow.
Get your coat!
I'll tell you who's a genius...
Oh, well, I get what he sees in her.
Well, you wanted to rip her face off? Get ripping.
Well, don't just stand there, help me!
He's going to be here any minute.
This is you all over.
Leanne's a snidey little cow,
but least she's got the guts to stick up for herself.
Not now!
Well, when? You do realise you've asked for all this?
I have not! I've been a good, loving, loyal wife.
Not like you!
Oh, do you want the coconut or the cuddly toy?
Least me and your dad aren't shagging around behind
- each others' backs. - Yeah, but you still hurt each other.
Oh, that's love. Grow up!
Least I know where my old man is every night.
Yeah! In a wheelchair.
PHONE RINGS
Long story short, gave taxi wrong pick-up time,
so I'm going to be there stupid early.
- Where are you? - Er, nowhere near.
Er, exactly how "stupid early" are you going to be?
Er, just around the corner? No worries. I'll just wait.
No, Lorelei...
She's only seconds away. So, I don't care how you do it,
but sort it!
Where are you going? Mum! You're not ripping!
GLASS SHATTERS
Get in.
- What you doing? - Sorting it.
Ah! Ha-ha!
Oh, if you don't want tonight to go totally tits-up, call her,
distract her before she sees this van.
Oh, shit.
Come on, come on, come on.
That's it.
Hi.
Lorelei. Er, there's been a terrible mix-up and the, er...
..the man...
..the man that was doing the poster,
he's had a problem and he can't, he can't do it.
Oh, it's fine. Sheila, you sound really stressed.
You've no idea! Er, I'm so sorry.
I, er... I, er... Can we cancel?
I feel really awful. I feel like I've let you down.
I can't believe how upset you are. Honestly, it's fine.
PHONE BEEPS
- Oh, it's Wes. - Where?
- On the phone. - I've got to go.
Hi.
No. That's terrible news.
OK. So we're going somewhere else.
It's not going to be a late one, is it?
OK. I've just got to nip somewhere else first. Won't be long.
- It's raw. - You don't like raw?
Smile, Mum!
Oh, here she is. Waltzing in and out whenever she fancies.
It's just like at work.
Up the duff, off she goes.
- Kids go to uni, back she swans. - It was her choice.
Yeah? You should've seen her face when YOU came back to work.
"Only just popped it out and now she's back at the salon.
"Can't understand women who put career before kids."
No. What I said was I couldn't with mine.
So, Disney's not as important as your two?
I don't want any rows.
Did you want to win your ice-skating final?
When I was nine?
Some wounds don't heal.
Especially when your sister loosens your blades before you go on!
You dared me. I didn't know you'd break your ankle!
It's ancient history. Can we just have a quiet night?
My ankle's never been the same.
Did Bel ever tell you she thinks tattooing's a waste of space?
- That's not true! - No?
OK, yeah, when we started, I did wonder if the rooms could be
better used, you know, for other beauty treatments.
She was getting us all ganged-up. Ready to get rid of you.
- I was thinking about you. - If you thought it, you could've said it to my face.
Too busy, two-faced and so high-and-mighty,
she's started collecting air miles!
That ain't true! Mum don't look down and she don't talk behind your back!
Did she tell you she sobbed her heart out
when you shook your little spangles out the closet?
Pack it in, Leanne.
Mum?
Swear on his life you didn't wish him straight when he told you.
Did you?
For less than a second. It's not how she's making out.
Mum...
Bloody hell!
You were never there for Mum.
No, you're right.
Ty...
Gave her no support when Dad had his accident.
Almost like you blamed her!
You did. Very judgmental.
And was I wrong, eh?
Since it turns out it was you who pushed him out of the window!
He deserved it. Cheating bastard.
Speaking of cheats...
- Sorry I'm late. - Mum!
So, that's what you two's been thick as thieves about?
Little Miss Perfect is shagging around!
- I'd never cheat on you. - Do we believe her?
Ah! There's your answer.
You hard-faced, snide-arsed witch!
There's nothing you love more than other people's misery!
Jealous, are we? That somebody might have a better life than you?
Who'd be jealous of you? Yeah, your kids despise you,
your husband's sussed you out
and the guy you really wanted is married to me!
Is he? Wow! And what makes you think he really wanted you?
Well, just ask anyone! Ask Teddy!
You ask him.
Did you see that?
She's the witch, not me.
DISTANT SIRENS
How did we not know about Dad and Bel did?
- How long has she known? - And why didn't she tell us?
Cos she'll say anything to be centre of attention.
Oh, come on, sack the sympathy! It's complete and utter bollocks.
Dad fell.
And Teddy wouldn't touch her with a Taser!
She's ruined my night,
but if you think I'm going to sit here snivelling,
wrecking me 50 quid mascara over that sack of spuds...
I'm grabbing Ted, we're out of here.
I'm sorry, Ted, I...
I don't know why I said that to Leanne.
You and I have only ever been mates.
Good mates.
Best mates.
But that was it.
I think we did once grab a Christmas kiss.
Did we?
You don't remember?
Yeah, actually, it's coming back to me.
I think I kind of liked it.
Then later, you talked me into giving Wes a go.
Did I?
I remember, I said, "I think he's a bit immature."
- And you said... - Don't go off first impressions.
The right guy might be right in front of you.
Still good advice, Bel!
You're right.
I shouldn't let anything stop me and Wes being happy.
I have to go home.
Need a lift?
No, I just need time on my own to think.
PHONE VIBRATES
So, I hope you're not picking up because you're out with Wes.
Well, it's all kicked off. Exactly as we wanted.
So, now I need you to give Wes the night of his life!
- Where've you been? - Er, just putting money in the meter.
I was upset.
I'm just glad everyone's finally seen Bel for who she really is.
Can we go home?
Yep.
Bloody hell.
Oh, my goodness me!
Oh, my God, look at the state!
- Are we dropping you off? - No, I'm coming with you.
- Home? - Home? It's early!
Josh has got us on the guest list for this secret club night in Salford.
I've got work in the morning.
It's a retro '80s throwback night. You'll fit right in.
Come on.
If you can't keep up, we can swing by the retirement home on the way.
Keep your snotty schneb out of this, Josh.
- The pair of you! - Or you'll what?
All right, out of the car, you little shit.
- Ready when you are! - Stop it!
Wes, what's wrong?
I'm sorry, but I can't cope with this. Not tonight.
- Come on! - I am shagged out, I'm stressed,
I'm too old for this shit.
And I am sick of hanging out with dickheads
who think they invented dancing, drinking and drugs
and refer to the '80s as retro!
Ever heard of the Hacienda, you cock-end?
Wes!
You should have told us about Dad.
How about you take the day off?
KLAXON BLARES, SHE GASPS
(YELLS) Stupid cow!
You were miles away. You weren't still worrying about last night?
The no-show billboard?
I can't quite figure you out.
It's weird, cos you pay me to help you,
but you're always there, helping me.
Willing to listen. Never judging.
It's like we have this connection, like we share this thing...
..I can't put my finger on.
But despite that, I feel like there's something else.
Some sadness...
..that you're too scared to talk about.
You know, life isn't perfect.
I think it's about finding a way to say,
"This is how it is, and can I be at peace with that?"
And the tree that doesn't bend in the wind, breaks.
Does that make sense?
- I guess. - Hey.
It's a make-up pressie.
We had our first barney last night.
And I did think when I were buying 'em, he moans about the ones
his missus gets, so why doesn't he buy his own bloody pants?
You know that dress he got me? Nothing happened, did it?
When you were there?
No, nothing. How d'you mean?
No, I just, er...
I found a rip in it that I'd not noticed before.
- How strange. - Yeah.
You know what, we should make up for our missed night out, go for drink.
Yeah, great.
Me, you and our other halves?
Bye.
PHONE BEEPS
_
PHONE BEEPS
_
Sorry. Didn't handle that well yesterday.
I just wanted you to see me as your son before you met me as a...
..gay bloke.
Why?
Mate, it makes no difference to me. Why does it to you? Hm?
What I feel for Bel, I've never known anything like it.
From the moment I first felt it, I promised myself I'd make it happen.
You've seen what I'm willing to do.
So who am I to tell you who you can and can't love?
And anyway, why would you care?
I just want you to be proud of me.
Then you find someone you love...
..and don't let anything come between you. Hm?
Did she get to hear? About him cheating?
No, hopefully next time.
Right, then.
We nearly lost Wes last night because you went AWOL.
I need my best lieutenant...
..back in action.
TV PLAYS QUIETLY
Room on there for a little one?
- I haven't been having an affair. - You don't need to say it.
Wouldn't blame you if you had, the way I've been with you lately.
Last few weeks, since the kids left.
It's all been a bit crazy.
Relationships change. Maybe we haven't acknowledged that.
Too scared to ask questions.
Things have to evolve.
Or die.
Are you bored of us?
No.
What's wrong with boring? I like boring. I like this.
Staying in with you. We don't have to try. New's nice.
Normal's better.
Mum and Dad aren't normal.
(LAUGHS) Nope. They are not.
From the outside, it looks like they'd be miserable.
Screwing around and cheating on each other. But they're not.
They love each other.
And they've lasted.
Maybe it's because they accept that life isn't perfect.
The tree that doesn't bend... breaks.
PHONE BEEPS
_
I can't quite figure you out.
Is it Sheila?
Like we share this thing I can't put my finger on.
Latte?
Kale & beetroot spritzer.
Yum.
Oh, hi there, bitch! Or should I say, Bel?
I took you at face value.
I went the extra mile on your programme because I really
wanted to help you get fit, turn back the clock.
And in return, you've used me. Talk about two-faced.
Yeah, let's talk about that.
About the conniving witch
who got her claws into someone else's husband.
How's that working out by the way? Dumped me yet, has he?
Asked for a divorce and moved in with you?
Oh, wait, he hasn't! Why d'you think that is?
Come on.
There you go.
I've been thinking about where we'll live.
Oh?
Yeah, I've seen this amazing thatched cottage in the middle of nowhere.
I'm more of a townie...
- No shops, no traffic... - I kind of like the city.
Two bedrooms, you know, for when the kids come to stay.
Kids? What kids?
Your kids. My step-kids.
Speaking of which, when do I meet them?
Is that really a good idea?
Obviously, they'll hate me at first.
But once they realise I make you happy...
Their mum made me happy, that's what they'll say.
And I'll say, "Watch me take it to the next level."
It's not a competition.
What would you call it, then?
PHONE RINGS
Client. Won't be a sec.
Hello. Yep, speaking.
What can I do for you?
- What am I up to? - Mm.
I'm spying on your life!
I'm trying to work out how to stitch you up!
And how about this?
D'you blame me?
Believe me, I never wanted any of this.
But if you won't fight fair, why should I?
£4, please.
Keep the change.
Bye.
Sorry.
HE SIGHS