I've never found anyone to replace you.
Mr Greene, we are terminating your membership of this bar.
What in the name of Bob Menzies are you two doing here?
Actually, we're campaigning, Cleaver.
So you're seriously putting your name down for the Senate?
Absolutely.
On the basis of saying nothing, and hating your sister.
In fact, Cleaver Greene...
I'd like to talk today about the absurdity of fracking.
Yep, sure, sure.
I want to get onto fracking with you.
- I build apps. - Apps?
And I'm pretty good at it too, it seems.
In the last six months, I've had three bestsellers.
Oh!
This is unconscionable behaviour!
So I announce my resignation from the Australian Labor Party...
...and further announce I'm joining the Greens...
...whose membership have asked me to run for a seat in the Senate.
I'm prepared to try and secure you a seat as an independent senator.
What's the catch?
You get the fuck out of Wendy's and my life.
I mean, Cleaver Greene on the left-hand side.
There's a bit of a donkey vote, a bit of confusion,
and he seems to be polling very well at the moment.
You're alright, darling.
I mean, his record is there for the public to see,
and yet there is a possibility
that he's going to be elected as a senator.
I think you're in, Cleave.
We won't know for a bit, but...
...it looks like you're going to be a senator.
And, um...
...while we're in the mood for announcements,
Missy and I are having a baby.
- What? - What?
So you're going to choose Canberra and politics over Sardinia and me?
He has to. He's been elected.
So it seems there was some confusion
about the meaning of 'Greene' on the ballot.
My clients are screaming green murder.
Even the ABC guy, his name is Green, Antony Green!
It's Greens, Greens everywhere, like a family conspiracy!
And yet the people seem to have spoken, Jack.
Synced & corrected by -robtor- www.addic7ed.com
Oh, not today, you little brats.
_
Of all the shitting days.
I haven't trimmed my nose hair in, like, 15 years,
and I thought, "Oh, you know, special occasion, I'll make an effort."
Has it stopped?
Mmm... no.
But I have a styptic pencil.
- That might help. - What's a styptic pencil?
It clots blood quickly.
Oh.
It should be there in the glove compartment.
Right-hand side, I think.
- This thing? - Mm-hm.
Oh. What, do you just...
Oh, holy shit!
Yeah. Oh!
Ohh!
Let me look.
It's slowed.
- Great. - Keep applying it, sir.
Excellent.
If I may, sir,
make sure you're camera-left when they take the group photo.
That way your name will appear first in the caption.
Camera-left, so that's... So that's...
You'd be on the right-hand side of the group,
facing the photographer.
Facing the photographer, right.
- Mm-hm. - OK, great.
Excellent advice. Thank you, Jakob.
I have been doing this job a long time.
Ah.
Would you like a little drink, perhaps?
A little settler?
A tiny Polish vodka to calm the nerves?
Oh...
...maybe a little settler.
Welcome.
- Senator Greene. - Yes.
Lovely to meet you.
This way.
Oh.
_
Not a saveloy has passed my lips since last we met.
_
Vaughan.
We both made it over the line, huh?
Pretty good. Yes, we did.
Now, listen, I'm putting up a private member's bill
to increase by 700%
the amount of shooting allowable in national parks.
- Oh. - Now, I presume
you'll be supporting the bill,
as per our pre-election conversation?
Oh, well, mate, you know, I mean, send me the details, alright?
As I was when I was a lawyer, I'll be a stickler for the detail.
Good.
Oh! Senator Harry, sorry, David Potter.
- Well... - Cleaver.
Fancy us, mate, side by side in the highest office in the land.
Fancy that.
I'm not entirely sure we'll be side by side, Cleaver.
Not unless you want a dose of penicillin.
Oh, Penny.
Didn't notice you under there.
Is it true that you were going to call your party
the Penny Evans Experience,
and then somebody pointed out that that'd make you the PEE party?
Fake news, Cleaver.
- Oh, is it? Is it? - Excuse me...
Well, now you're the PEP party,
I'll be relying on you for the party favours.
Senator. Senator.
Oh, Your Excellency.
Oh, sorry. Just excuse me.
Congratulations on your appointment, Senator.
Thank you, thank you.
It's some time since we were jousting together in court.
Well, indeed it is. Indeed it is.
Now, I've just been told that you're a Jew. Is that right?
- I mean, I had no idea. - That's right, yes.
I'm not quite as zealous as my wife, but, um...
- Yes. - Yeah. My first girlfriend was a Jew.
Incredible. I mean, flashing smile.
Mmm.
Incredibly bright.
Deceptively powerful thighs.
Well, when you have 3,000 years wandering in the desert,
and you don't have Netflix...
Now, how do you feel?
It must be a bit strange having to listen to the Lord's Prayer
all day and all night.
I mean, how's that working for you?
Part of the job. Her Majesty's rep.
- Grin and bear it. - Mm.
May I ask why you're asking?
Oh, no, just... I mean, I'm just intrigued by belief, you know.
I mean, I'm... I'm, you know, Catholic, technically.
Well, lapsed... prolapsed Catholic.
So, you know, I mean, it's no biggie for me.
But, you know, I mean, there's Aborigines here,
there's Muslim people, there's Jews...
Maybe it's time to think about reforming the whole thing.
Well, maybe it is.
I mean, you know, we're supposed to be a secular state,
church, state, all that.
It's great to see you again, Your Excellency.
- Lovely to... - Yeah.
The Governor-General has found himself in a scandal today...
Suggesting the Parliament should abandon saying the Lord's Prayer
before each sitting.
The Governor-General has a point.
I mean, this is a secular society,
and to compel a public official, even the Governor-General,
to be standing and listening to the Lord's Prayer in that way...
The Council of Australian Jewry
is up in arms after the Governor-General...
...was forced to resign last night
over attacks from a number of religious groups.
If he were, for instance, Hindu or Muslim,
and we have to look to a future
in which a Governor-General of this country
would be proudly Hindu or Muslim.
My mother was a woman dedicated to service and love,
service and love to family, community, and nation.
First speeches are normally fairly sedate affairs.
The politicians, the new politicians,
don't strive to be controversial,
and in fact the tradition is there are not even any interjections.
Now, I promise to do my utmost
to make this chamber one of decency, respect, integrity,
dedicated to the wellbeing of the Australian people.
But then things got interesting when it was Cleaver Greene's turn.
Well done, Senator Harry.
Er, you've outdone yourself.
Mr President, my campaign pledge was to do and say nothing,
and that seemed to resonate with the people,
because I think, like me,
they don't see this as a temple of service and love.
They see it more as a place
of pretty unsightly self-gratification,
the carpets sticky with the forgotten fantasies
of vainglorious old senators past.
Mr President, this Parliament is our national shrine
to wanking.
Well, at this point, the Senate President warned Senator Greene,
but did not throw him out of the chamber.
From you... it's... You're not kicking me out?
- No, I'm not. - I can go on?
- Yes. - I can...
- You can, Senator Greene. - I can... Oh, great.
In April 2003,
I got a bill from Telstrus
overcharging me to the tune of some $240.
So we drove for three... was it three hours?
Three and a half. Three and a half hours.
Three and a half hours to listen to you make a speech
that was about Telstrus,
and the two restaurants that you got food poisoning in,
that were both in Spain, by the way,
and the penalty try that cost Souths the semi.
- Cronulla. - Cronulla.
And the Lord's Prayer.
And not a mention of your family.
Or Barney.
I mean, do you actually think that you would have got here on your own?
Well, I did. You know, I got here by mistake. We all know that.
Yes, but a mention might have been nice.
The Senate's not... it's not a nice place.
It's not a forum for, you know, pleasantries.
It's a tough, tough game.
And don't get me started on Barney.
I gave him ample warning about today.
It's a huge murder case. You know it'll take a year.
There's no way he could make it.
Well, bully for him.
You know, I'm sure he's raking it in.
I miss those big murders.
Cleaver, you've just made your maiden speech as a Senator.
Oh, Fuzz.
- Darling. Hold on a sec. - Ah, Fuzzy.
Fuzzy.
- Hello, mate. - Hey.
Look at that.
Who's your daddy?
How's San Fran, Fuzzy?
Uh... exhausting, but pretty great.
I, uh... I think they're going to offer me a deal for three games.
- Oh, gosh. - That's great.
Sorry I can't be there.
How'd the speech go, Cleave?
Oh, it was incredible, mate.
You know, it was a big moment for me, big moment for Australia.
It was remarkable, darling.
- Great, Fuzz. - Sorry, I can't stay for too long.
Um, love you all. Well done, Cleave.
See you, mate. Love you.
- See you, Fuzz. - Bye, darling.
Hey, Miss, can the three of us have a private moment?
You bet.
Oh, God. Just hold on a sec.
- You right? - Yep.
Hello, darling.
Now that's my grandchild there.
I can't think about that too much.
I'm going to go and strain the cannelloni.
Lovely family you have there, Cleaver.
Thank you, Penny.
Which one was your hooker again?
Lobster mornay...
Wendy.
Oh, my God.
- Hello. - Jack, hi.
Oh... Wow.
Oh, Christ.
Oh, you flatter me, Cleaver.
- Here's the deal. - Uh... not another one, no, thank you.
I have been engaged by certain parties
to approach the crossbenchers and to try and facilitate a way
that you can all vote as a bloc.
If you vote together, your power is inordinate.
If you vote separately, well, you're just a bunch of tedious fuckwits.
Yeah. Well, again, not interested, thanks, Witchy-poo.
Fine. You just keep doing your "do nothing" shtick, then, Cleaver.
I mean, I don't even know why you bother showing up.
You don't have a party. You don't have to do anything.
You could just take your little salary,
go lie on a beach somewhere, huh?
You know, when your term finishes,
that is, of course, if you don't get arrested
for corruption in the meantime,
your granddaughter is going to ask you or Fuzz
what it is that you've achieved in your life.
And there is only one answer to that, Cleaver.
Absolutely nothing.
He looks well. He looks amazing.
- He looked so handsome. - Three!
- Yeah, three games. - So he's made three already.
He's on fire.
No, I think he's made one,
and then he's been commissioned to make the other two.
Does anyone at this table think there's a problem with this country
that I can fix?
Oh...
Oh, you got to be kidding me.
God, how long's this going to go on for?
Archie, Nick.
- Breakfast. - Hey, guys, guys.
Hey, what you doing, looking at my boys naked?
What? What are you looking at, huh?!
Oh, mate. Look, they wake me up at sparrow's fart every morning.
I'm going nuts.
Can you just maybe have a word for them to start their bouncing
at, I don't know, 7:00am?
- You pervert! - Oh, yes, mate.
Oh, I really love your... your little boys,
with their... with their little bouncy balls.
I see penis. Penis, penis!
- Hey, that's... - You be careful, pervert!
You paedo!
Tensions are rising in South-East Asia,
and senior leaders and defence officials
will gather from around the region in Canberra tomorrow,
in Parliament House,
to try and get some kind of agreement on the defence treaty.
Joining me now in our studio is the chair of this summit,
the Prime Minister Angela Sway.
Prime Minister, welcome back to Breakfast.
Good to be with you, Fran.
Prime Minister, you must feel really honoured...
- Bananas! One, two, three! - ..to chair a summit
which may very well determine the future of Asia,
perhaps the future of the world.
Miss... I'm just...
♪ Bopping in the tree with you and me! ♪
...recognition of the role Australia plays in the region.
A region which some say is on the brink of war.
Well, these are testing times.
But I am convinced this summit, under my leadership...
Come on, Wends, join in.
♪ And he's mighty funky ♪
♪ Bopping in the tree with you and me ♪
♪ Bananas, bananas ♪
♪ Let's go bananas... ♪
Your popularity ratings are at alarming lows in the polls.
I'm not really interested in the polls, Fran.
This summit is about securing safety for Australia,
the region and the planet.
Prime Minister, let's cut to the chase.
How likely is a nuclear war?
Well, Fran, at this point we are alert but not alarmed.
- Good morning. - Sorry?
- Uh... good morning. - Uh, morning, dear.
I'm, uh, Nicole Vargas, Senator Greene's chief of staff.
- Hi. - Frank O'Brien, veteran journo.
Oh, OK. Do you have a meeting to see the Senator?
I got a message from him, yeah.
Alright, well, if you just bear with us just for one moment, Frank...
- At your disposal, my dear. - Right.
Oh, don't do that.
- You've got that lunch. - Oh, fuck, is that now?
There is someone from another era waiting for you.
Frank O'Brien? Does that ring any bells?
Frank? That doesn't for me.
Oh, Frank. Frank's here.
Great. Look after him.
Frank is who?
OK. You know how I've been wanting to do something for this country?
Yes, you keep saying.
And I've been feeling a bit guilty,
despite my manifesto of doing nothing,
that I have actually done nothing.
- Mm-hm. - But then I had a revelation.
- Right, what was that? - It's not my fault.
It's your fault.
Oh, right, of course. It's my fault.
- Yes. - Mm-hm.
Because to do something, you've got to get the people on side.
To get the people on side, you need the press on side,
and you have no idea about that.
Well, you were all over the net with Jewgate.
- Because you didn't manage it. - I can't do everything.
I've been telling you for over a year now
that you need to get a media manager,
but you didn't want to spend the money.
And now we have one because I've had a brainwave.
- Who? - Frank.
That... Frank?
Frank O'Brien.
He scored the match-winning try in the '69 grand final.
Balmain and Souths, my first grand final.
- So he's a footballer. - Yes, yes.
A footy columnist no doubt.
The hardest, the toughest school there is.
And when was the last time he worked, Cleaver?
It's a hard game for hard men. I knew you were going to be...
I knew it.
If you want to play the millennial, you know, elitist
with your desert boots and your big waxy beard,
that's fine.
But I'm telling you to go out there
and to hire Frank O'Brien as my media point man.
Huh?
Yes?
'69 grand final, you said?
Yes.
- Who won that game? - Balmain.
Balmain won that game.
You hate Balmain because they won that game.
Ever since I've known you, you have loathed Balmain, so...
Somehow you owe him money, right?
- You are so cynical. - Oh...
You've become more as the years have gone by, do you know that?
- Really? - And wrong. And jaundiced.
So who do you owe Cleaver?
I owe his brother a few grand,
but that doesn't detract from Frank O'Brien's gifts
as a journalist, alright?
So look after him.
- Frank. - Eh?
Frank. G'day, mate. Welcome aboard.
If I am, it's a privilege Cleaver.
Oh, you are, you are.
Now, I've got to fly, mate, but this is Nicole, my chief.
Chief Nicole.
She'll... she's gonna look after you mate.
Oh, um, there might be a story coming out later on this afternoon
about me being a paedophile.
Can you get Frank onto that ASAP?
Thanks.
Madame Prime Minister, the President is adamant
that every part of this treaty
represent a stronger, even more aggressive posture.
The Chinese need to know that we're serious.
I couldn't agree more, Mr Secretary.
Well, that's all well and good to agree, Prime Minister,
but what are you actually going to do?
Look, this is about more than just South-East Asia.
This is the President's number one priority,
he's made that very clear,
and I shall quote from him.
"We are looking at World War III
"and if it starts, we will be killing..."
- Fuck me sideways. - "..tremendous amount of people
"very, very quickly.
"And we want to know if you're seriously behind us,
"or is this another Prime Minister piece of bullshit."
Of course, as the US Secretary of Defense,
I stand behind the President's words.
No, no, we are seriously behind you, all the way, whatever it takes.
Joe, we are in conference with Secretary Potemkin.
I'm sorry, Mr Secretary, I know these are sensitive affairs,
but if it was possible to have a private word
with the Prime Minister.
It's rather urgent.
Yes, of course, of course.
I don't have a lot of time.
Jesus.
For fuck's sake.
Righto, you lot, fuck off.
Move! Come on!
- OK. - Mm...
It's a roughy,
but I reckon we could have it polished and ready to go by 6:00.
Oh, yeah, I'm a p... I'm a p...
I'm a...
I really love your... your little boys,
love your... your little boys,
with their little bouncy balls,
with their little bouncy balls.
He's fucked..
He's going to have to quit.
Then all our Senate worries will be over.
- Do we have a codename? - We do.
Operation Scrotum.
That's very good. Very apt, very good.
Oh, my goodness!
What is going on?
Oh, God!
Everybody outside!
We're with the embassy lunch.
Of course, this way, sir.
Oh, shit! Sorry, mate. I'm...
What is that?
Everybody outside!
Ladies and gentlemen, please assemble...
Oh...
...quarantine officers...
Cal, as you can see, it's chaos here.
Katie, with so much rigorous security in place these days,
how could this possibly happen?
I mean, where were the security forces?
Well, obviously it's way too early to know who is responsible,
but this clearly bears all the hallmarks
of a chemical terrorist attack on the nation's parliament.
Any reported fatalities?
Cal, I can see the Prime Minister approaching the hazmat zone
as we speak.
Prime Minister?
Let me assure the people of...
...of Australia
that we have this situation completely...
...completely under...
Prime Minister, have there been any fatalities?
Tragically, Caitlin, yes, my dear friend,
the Member for Poole in Western Australia,
Brian Oatley, the Defence Minister,
is a casualty.
The government's deepest, deepest sympathies
go out to Brian's wife, Lorraine, and their three children.
It only spurs us on to track down those responsible for this evil.
I have appointed Joe...
- McGregor. - ..McGregor,
the leader of the government in the Senate as acting Defence Minister.
So, Cal, the first death has been confirmed
as Defence Minister Oatley.
Well, Katie, Brian was a top bloke.
They really don't get any better than that.
It's a very sad day.
I'm...
I'm Cal McGregor.
And we're out.
Mm.
Hello, puddin'.
So do you think I should run?
Run? What?
For Oatley's seat. There'll be a by-election.
Well, Oatley was a Lib.
It's a West Australian Lib seat.
You're a Nat, and you live in Sydney.
You've gotta live in the seat. Have you ever been to WA, darling?
Stop being so negative.
I'm not trying to be negative, love, I'm just spelling out the facts.
You are so... spineless.
I thought marrying Cal McGregor would mean something,
but no.
I married a worm.
No, love, I don't think you're really being fair there.
Just fuck off back to Play School.
You right, Cal?
Yeah, I'll be fine. It's just this Oatley business.
He was a fine bloke.
Ladies and gentlemen, please assemble in an orderly fashion.
Oi! Oi!
What is going on here?
Oh, God! You alright?
You'll be right. Oh, yuck.
Is that vomit? Oh, that is revolting.
- Ahh... - Jesus!
You're picking up the dry-cleaning on this, for sure.
Fuck, I'm a senator,
I can't be walking around
covered in somebody else's fuckin' three-bean mix.
Not a good idea.
Now, will you two accompany me, please, to the tents?
No, no, mate, take her, take her. I just got here.
- I'm alright. I'm good. - Cleave.
Did you come into physical contact with this person?
What, with her? Me and her? No. No way.
- Isn't that her vomit you're wearing? - This... that's an Andy Chow, FYI.
Finest tailor in Hong Kong.
- She launched herself at me. - Follow me, please, sir.
I was just trying to give her some comfort.
I'm an innocent bystander. I didn't... I'm fucked...
Fuck me!
Guys, these shoes... These are Italian shoes,
Fuck!
Roll over, please.
- What? - Roll over, please, sir.
Fucking kidding!
And remove your hands, please, sir!
Oh, God!
Nicole!
Thank you.
Mr Secretary...
...there's been a terrorist attack on the Australian Parliament.
Really?
Singaporeans have offered an alternate venue for the conference.
How many times do I have to tell you I fucking hate Singapore?
The heat and humidity aggravates my asthma.
I know.
I already told them.
The Australians say they have another venue which will be safe.
Well, I hope so, 'cause I'll be dammed if I'm going to Singapore.
And if the Australians fuck this up,
they won't know what hit them.
You never, ever touch me.
You've made it your business to not touch me.
And today you decide, "Oh, yeah, I know what,
"I'll just drape myself on Cleave,
"and cover him with my chunky chicken chowder."
Or your bloody Ebola virus or whatever it is.
If I die, it's murder,
Do you hear that?
And if I don't die, it's assault with the intention to commit murder.
Sorry, I was very sick and I was very confused, Cleaver.
I just went to pick up my clothes.
- Guess what? - Well, they've destroyed them.
Bingo!
My one and only Andy Chow suit.
I bought that suit in Hong Kong in '98.
Never gone out of style. The man's a genius!
One arm and he's still the greatest tailor in the world.
His clients...
Pierce Brosnan.
- I'm out... - Robert Palmer.
David Hasselhoff.
No, not Hasselhof. The fuckwit from Simply Red. Me.
Yeah.
I wanted to be buried in that suit, Nicole.
Oh, well, if it's a comfort to you, Cleaver,
I'd like to see you buried in it as well.
Linus, please feel safe.
There is no reason to change venues.
Canberra, it is. Well, I hope so.
In fact, we have, Mr Secretary,
a perfectly good and honourable venue
in our former Parliament House.
I look forward to seeing you there.
- Goodbye. - Yes, goodbye.
Welcome to the museum
of Australian democracy, children.
I'm Mr Seaton,
and I am the director here and also the senior tour guide.
So if you have any questions at all, I'm the one to ask.
Excuse me, son, just move right back.
You don't touch George V.
Nobody touches George.
OK? That goes for everyone.
Right, well, let's, uh, start with a few basic questions, shall we?
See how clever you are.
Who was Australia's first prime minister?
Edmund Barton.
- Who was yours? - I beg your pardon?
Well, you're not Australian. You're a Kiwi, aren't you?
Yes, as a matter of fact, I am.
So who was your first prime minister?
I know... Ooh, blazes.
You.
Get the kids out first then any non-essentials.
What the heck do you people think you're doing?
OK? I want you to halt, cease and desist.
- You in charge? - Yes, I am.
And you, sir, and your gang,
you are breaking about 23 Commonwealth laws as we speak.
Well, I am Gareth Morrow.
Minister for of Homeland Security,
so I don't think we're breaking any laws.
The Prime Minister is commandeering this house
until the situation at the new Parliament is clarified.
By the way, we are having a drinks party here tonight,
and tomorrow a crucial round of talks
with various international dignitaries,
all in the hope that Asia will still exist this time next Wednesday.
Bring them down.
Clear.
My minister will hear about this.
The Minister for the Arts? Dear, oh, dear, I am in trouble.
We only have half a dozen functioning phone lines,
there is no broadband, we share four dongles between us.
It won't work.
Ladies and gentlemen, just a bit of shoosh, please.
The Prime Minister of Australia.
Colleagues, I'm here to tell you,
that these terrorists will be apprehended
and the business of the Australian government will proceed undaunted.
Now, I dare say, it's going to be a little squeezy in here.
This place has functioned as a Parliament for 35 years,
so there will be a sharing of offices and resources.
It's going to be tough, but we must show leadership.
We must inspire the Australian people
with our ability to roll up our sleeves and get the job done
on their behalf.
We will show the world the meaning of the expression,
dignity in adversity
because we are members of the Australian Parliament,
and we are as one for our nation.
- Stand back, please. - Get back!
I mean, I don't even care about a bloody office, do you?
No!
As long as it's kind of a reasonable size. North facing.
Senior cabinet and prime ministerial staff, this way.
The rest of you, just please keep moving on.
There's a hidey hole around here, Cleave.
Does anyone know how this works?
Wait! Excuse me.
What the hell do you think you're doing?
No! Argh!
Bugger off.
- No wi-fi... - Oh, mate.
Oh, God!
What a goat fuck.
Argh! Not on your nellie.
Here.
Oh, where'd those bloody things come from?
- I thought the place was sealed. - Nothing in or out.
I mean, that was the one advantage of this shit.
- No more files. - It's an offsite server, Cleaver.
Oh, the bastards think of everything. I can't work like this!
I can't even not work like this.
It really doesn't matter the size of the space
in which you do nothing, does it?
You got to go home and get changed.
You've got that drinks reception with your old mate tonight.
Is that thing with Linus still on.
Can I please come in the car with you? I'm buggered.
I don't know, do you still smell?
Go back, go back!
Why are you bringing all this...
I mean, I would have thought
this was a golden opportunity to start again?
- Do you know what I mean? - I know what you mean.
- I mean, just let it go. - Let it go.
We've got to be much more kind of... Taoist about all this shit.
God.
Unbelievable.
Not one of my relatives has called to see if I was OK, not even my son.
Bloody pack of ingrates.
I beg your pardon, sir. I telephoned Wendy and Finnegan myself.
I knew you'd have no reception in the old House.
They were very relieved to hear you and Nicole were alright.
Ah.
I hope I didn't overstep any boundaries.
No. No, no, that's great. Oh, thanks, Jakob.
Ooh, shit, I hope this doesn't mean my BuzzStay booking cancels.
You have BuzzStay guests? Since when?
No, these will be the first. Why... why not?
I've got a spare bedroom.
What... I'll tell you why not.
Because... because the place is paid for by the government.
- Oh. - So it's probably a crime, Cleaver.
Oh...
Honestly, I've never known anybody so obsessed with criminality.
It's like a... Poor old Brian Oakley, eh?
He's, uh... he was a good lawyer.
He was a lousy politician. Loved a party.
Indeed he did, it would seem.
Oh, yeah, what do you know?
His driver and the Education Minister's driver...
Brian Oakley was on with the Education Minister?
I don't know anything, sir, I'm just a driver.
But...
But word is he had passed before the explosion
and... he wasn't alone when he did so.
What, so Brian died on the job with Astrid?
It's not up to me to speculate, sir.
But an ambulance was seen outside the members' entrance
before the attack.
Jesus.
I presume the PM wants to spare his family the indignity.
Did you hear that? Brian!
What you didn't know him, did you?
I got an email from Barney.
I asked you for that leave, Cleaver.
I wanted to go to Sardinia with them.
Sardinia.
I wanted to go with Barney and the kids
just for a couple of weeks' holiday,
but, I mean, he desperately needed that but, no, you refused me leave!
Sorry, I can't... all I'm reading is a whole lot of bullshit
about what a wonderful woman you are.
Skip to the second page, Cleaver!
Second page? Jesus, I hate long emails.
Oh, shit.
He met someone. I just wanted two weeks' leave.
But, no, you couldn't give me the leave.
Well, I... you know, you are my chief of staff.
Excuse me! Huh?
I thought at the time that you might have actually been useful.
- I didn't realise... - Now he has met someone, Cleaver!
He's met an Italian woman, for Christ's sake.
I mean... I mean, all Italian women look like Monica Bellucci!
- Oh. - And guess what else?
She has a widowed mother, who actually likes him.
Not all Italian women look like Monica Bellucci.
Oh, really? You know, because... because I googled her, Cleaver.
There you are.
- Oh, my God. - You're joking.
Shit, are you sure?
- This is who Barney's with? - And guess what...
I mean she looks a lot like Monica Bellucci.
She has a husband who died, falling down some stairs.
- No. - Yeah. Just like Scarlet.
So they have shared grief.
Shared grief?
- I mean... - I mean, that's crazy.
I can't compete with that. I can't. I can't.
I can't compete with Monica Bellucci...
- No. - ..and a loving mother...
- Yeah. - ..and shared grief.
Yeah. Not a chance.
I mean, that's just incredible.
How...? What are the odds?
- Oh, my God! - Do you know what I mean?
And I'll tell you the other thing.
- Sardinia wasn't even... - He's met someone!
...wasn't even Barney's dream Mediterranean escape destination
in the first place.
He was... it wasn't even meant to be.
That was Wendy's and my dream Mediterranean escape destination.
Look...
Barney was gone the day that Scarlet died.
He couldn't be in that house anymore.
It was too sad.
He couldn't be in Sydney, he didn't want to be here.
He told me so himself.
Therefore, it's not about you.
Welcome to Australia, Mr Secretary.
Joe. Hello.
Hello.
Thank you.
It's all going on here. I'm afraid so.
A giant cluster fuck, pardon my Chinese.
- This way, Mr Secretary. - Hmm.
- Madam Prime Minister. - Mr Secretary.
The, um... the President asked me to express our sympathies
and the solidarity for the United States has
with our great friends and allies, the Australian people.
Together we shall defeat the scourge of terror by any means.
Thank you from the deepest bottom, the bottom of our hearts.
It means a great deal.
This is our Minister for Homeland Security, Gareth Morrow.
How are you, Minister?
We're bearing up, thank you, Mr Secretary.
Serious people for serious times.
But the talks must go on. There's too much at stake.
We need a treaty signed by tomorrow.
Yes, well, the United States is not only prepared to sign a treaty
but they will lead this alliance no matter what the consequences.
Quite.
You know, I like the old schoolness of this place.
I do.
You know, I'm... I'm an old-school kind of guy.
Harvard, West Point.
I don't think I've seen one of these since the first moon landing.
Zenith. I believe it's in the Smithsonian now.
I like the way you preserve your history,
I mean, some pretty big decisions were made in this office, I imagine.
- You know, during the wars. - Mm-hm.
These telecommunication systems don't still work, do they?
I wouldn't know, actually.
Oh, it's a pity. What about your phones?
Ah, the satellite phone works if you stand on that ladder over there.
No, you can use mine.
It works anywhere, dammit. It has its own satellite.
I swear to God, it could cook a roast chicken. Its name's Patsy.
It's a crazy world!
And so I understand that you've spent some time in Australia?
Yes, yes, some 20 years ago
I was assigned here as a young military attache to Sydney.
In fact, it was one of your current senators.
He extended such social kindness and courtesy to me
that I've always had a very deep place in my heart for this country.
It was a club called Rose.
Ooh.
- How wonderful, Mr Secretary! - Yes, it was.
Um, which Senator was that?
Ah, yes, this was Senator Cleaver Greene.
I'm very much looking forward to seeing him tonight.
Excuse me, Mr Secretary.
Madam Prime Minister, may I be excused?
I need to go and have a word with my chief of staff
about tonight's arrangements.
You do.
You do, indeed.
Tarry not.
Yes, Senator Greene is considered a very, very good friend
to the United States.
Vikki!
- Cancel Scrotum. - Huh? What did you say?
Cancel fucking Scrotum. Go!
Well, I think it's all going splendidly, don't you?
Under the circumstances.
Victory plucked from the jaws, and all that.
Mr Secretary. Madam Prime Minister.
Would you like some champagne?
I'm told there's plenty more ice on its way.
No, no, no, those days are lost to me.
The defence of liberty is probably better for it.
This is our national treasurer, Gregory Peters.
- How do you do, sir? - How do you do, Mr Secretary?
How much is that socialist health care program costing you these days?
About 23% per capita, what your health care system is costing you.
Oh.
- Ah! Look at us. - Look at us!
- Huh? - Hmm.
Joe, Gar, Prime Minister, Greg?
Cleaver. I believe you and the Secretary are old friends.
Oh, yes, we... we go...
I mean, how... when would that have...
'98, '99, Marcus Levy's birthday, as I recall.
- Oh, God. - Wild times!
We're all grown up now.
May I have your attention, ladies and gentlemen.
Quiet, please.
Thank you. My name is Mr Edmond Seaton.
I am the director and senior guide here
at the Museum of Australian Democracy.
- Who is this idiot? - He's no-one. I'll sort him out.
...explain to you the procedures, in case of an emergency,
which I would say is particularly relevant
considering the events today at the other place.
So, we have three exits, down there and to the right...
Edmund, fuck off.
As I was saying, we have the three exits.
Prime Minister, it would be lovely to recall old times with Cleaver,
so if you wouldn't mind giving us a few minutes.
Absolutely, Mr Secretary.
Thank you.
Excuse me.
Shit.
It's OK.
Scrotum is on hold and ready to go,
once the treaty's signed.
Is there somewhere private that we could speak?
Oh, I have the living definition of privacy.
I mean, I think it's down here.
I should have left a trail of bread.
Fuck.
Ahh.
- This is it? - This is it.
You're kidding! What a fucking shithole.
Welcome to the Australian Senate.
Hey, listen, you got any booze?
Oh. Uh...
Oh, there's a bar fridge somewhere, but I'm buggered if I can find it.
Oh, Jesus.
How the hell did you become a senator, anyway?
Ah, well, there may have been a little bit of confusion
with people voting Green,
but they were voting Green with an extra 'E'.
Beautiful.
Beautiful! I love it.
Tonight we're going to party like it's 1999.
Do you remember that party in 1999?
Oh, mate, I'll never forget.
Professor Wasabi and his many coloured pills.
And his little sidekick with the skin...
Skin tag. Couldn't take your eyes off.
No.
That's why I want to have a party.
Old party, old time, like we used to.
We could do it at your place?
You know, my secret service boys, a couple of hookers.
Come on. Ah, not really, mate, not mine, no.
I mean, you know, the fact that I'm an Australian Senator
is obviously irrelevant,
but you're the US Defense Secretary,
plus, there's a bit of an issue
with one of my neighbours just at the moment,
some... some bad feng shui.
You do realise that the treaty tomorrow is total bullshit!
- It's all for show. - What are you talking about?
World war is inevitable.
It could start tomorrow at 12 noon and end at about 6:00-ish.
Sorry, what?
What... are you kid... Why?
The President wants a fucking war,
preferably global, you know that?
So could you just do me a favour?
Make some calls, and organise something?
You know?
Fuck!
Come on! Come on!
Fucking hell! Guys, keep it down, will ya!
You're going to get me fucking kicked out of here.
Keep it down to a bloody stadium level, will you?
Honestly.
Fuck me.
Alright, that's it.
Fuck this.
Whoo!
Yes, alright, listen, mate, that's fine,
but if my neighbour comes down, it's on your head, alright?
Your... the American Secret Service's head
or whatever you fucking are.
Where's Linus?
Linus?
Come here! Come here!
Whoo!
Linus!
Line!
Thought you wanted to party.
I am. In my own way.
Well...
You really had me going for a while there
with all that World War III bullshit, mate.
I mean, even if the President was serious,
you wouldn't let it happen, would you?
I mean, you'd stop him?
Technically I'm not supposed to,
but the truth is that Pentagon has no confidence in the President
so they give him the wrong numbers.
You give the President the wrong numbers for the nuclear codes.
Would you give this president the right numbers?
It's all in here, Cleave.
The world is not going to end with a bang,
it's going to end with a phone call.
- Bullshit. - Her name's Patsy.
Who's name's Patsy?
My phone.
That's a lovely name, Patsy, for a nuclear launching device.
It's the real deal, Cleaver.
- Show us. - Right, right.
I'm going to put the future of the entire world
in Cleaver Greene's hands.
Well, mate, you're not exactly instilling
a whole lot of confidence in your hands, tonight.
I know you, Cleave, I know you.
And Patsy is better off in my hands,
even though sometimes I just want to blow it all up.
Mate, what are you talking about?
You've got a wife, you've got three kids.
What are you talking about? My marriage is political.
- I don't understand. - What don't you understand?
I work for a certifiable narcissist.
I live in a loveless marriage,
within where I've had sex three times,
each time producing a child.
The whole world is about to go ka-boom,
and my boyfriend of 15 years dumped me on Wednesday.
Your boyfriend?
Right.
He's a moderate Republican congressmen from the Midwest and...
...I love him.
So he's a moderate Republican,
he's just a little bit pro-life, a little bit pro-gun,
and just a tiny bit anti-gay.
- Little bit... - Jesus.
Mate, I thought my life was shit.
Fuck.
Ah.
Can you just stop fiddling with that? It's a little disconcerting.
There are nine numbers in the code.
And I think...
...that I have pressed eight of them five times since Wednesday.
So have you... have you pressed eight, now?
- Yes, I have. - Seriously?
Seriously.
Look, there's no compelling reason
why I should be alive right now.
I mean, any actuary worth his salt would tell you
I should have died long ago.
But here I am,
in the middle of all the shit and squalor of my life,
entirely self-inflicted,
because, along the way,
there have just been these tiny little moments
of... breathtaking joy.
It does happen, mate.
It will happen again.
- I like joy. - Good.
OK.
So, here's what I'm thinking, right?
We just sleep on the whole "let's blow up the world" idea,
until tomorrow.
If you wake up in the morning and you still feel like it,
go for it.
But, you know,
now let's just... let's just head back in there,
we'll kick those fuckwits out,
and we'll just have a nice cup of tea and a natter.
- Oh... - Eh?
That would be so nice.
Come on, we're getting too old for this shit.
I know it, I know it.
- Come on, mate. - Alright.
Come on. What a fuckwit.
Eh? Aren't you?
Eh?
Cleave...
...Patsy...
...is just a phone.
- Patsy's just a phone. - Yep.
Can't blow anything up.
What is wrong with you?
Oh, ha ha ha!
Oh, yeah, let's have some fun.
I just needed some space to clear my head.
Oh, needed some space
and needed to fucking make me look like a fucking red-hot tool.
- I don't... - What is wrong with you?
- What? - What is wrong with you?
Come on, make me a cup of tea, my love, hmm?
- You're still gay, though, yeah? - Yes.
♪ US Forces give the nod ♪
♪ It's a setback for your country ♪
♪ Sing me songs of no denying ♪
♪ Seems to me too many trying ♪
♪ Waiting for the next big thing. ♪
I told you, man, I fucking told you this'd be like Berlin.
Oh! Oh!
Mate, what you're doing there, that doesn't look like such a good idea.
I'm going to send one of these to the fucking President.
Oh, he'll love it.
Happy Birthday, Mr Fucking President.
Greene! Greene!
Shut the music down!
I'm calling the police!
Greene!
So, which hospital?
No, no. No hospital. The usual place.
- Where's the Secretary? - I don't know, mate.
I mean, we were all there...
My brother's just been arrested again.
- Isn't that your ex-husband? - No!
- Flank me. Flank me. - There's only one of me, Cleaver.
Dogs of war.
Does that thing look at everybody like that?
He's texted photos of his dick.
I need you to publicly verify
that that is not my penis.
Oh, Jesus!
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